WEBVTT 00:00:01.519 --> 00:00:04.280 Everyone struggles with anger. I mean, that's 00:00:04.280 --> 00:00:06.580 a true statement. Now, we do it in different 00:00:06.580 --> 00:00:09.359 ways. Some people blow up. Some people repress 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:12.060 it. Some people let it leak out. But it always 00:00:12.060 --> 00:00:15.720 does incredible damage. What about you? How do 00:00:15.720 --> 00:00:18.399 you deal with your anger? Want to find out? Stay 00:00:18.399 --> 00:00:23.920 with me. Thank you for being with us for this 00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:26.839 edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:27.399 --> 00:00:29.579 Chip serves as our Bible teacher for this global 00:00:29.579 --> 00:00:32.539 teaching and discipleship ministry, helping Christians 00:00:32.539 --> 00:00:35.719 develop an authentic faith. Well, in just a minute, 00:00:35.740 --> 00:00:37.899 we'll pick up where we left off last time in 00:00:37.899 --> 00:00:40.200 our series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. 00:00:40.659 --> 00:00:43.159 Today, Chip will continue identifying the different 00:00:43.159 --> 00:00:46.439 ways anger reveals itself in our lives and what 00:00:46.439 --> 00:00:49.119 we can do to better control it. So, here now 00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:51.579 is Chip with the remainder of his message, Rage, 00:00:51.640 --> 00:00:54.560 Understanding the Monster Within, from James 00:00:54.560 --> 00:01:00.539 chapter 1. I'm gonna suggest that anger wears 00:01:00.539 --> 00:01:05.200 many masks and that there's three primary masks 00:01:05.200 --> 00:01:09.299 that we put on. And I wanna walk through what 00:01:09.299 --> 00:01:12.620 these masks are. And I'm gonna be pretty, I think 00:01:12.620 --> 00:01:15.560 the educational word is pedantic. I mean, I'm 00:01:15.560 --> 00:01:17.340 literally gonna go through some lists where you 00:01:17.340 --> 00:01:19.900 see some things and nod. And then I'm gonna ask 00:01:19.900 --> 00:01:23.700 a few diagnostic questions where we're gonna 00:01:23.700 --> 00:01:27.719 say, okay. How do I tend to express my anger? 00:01:28.500 --> 00:01:32.099 And when we get done, I'm just going to guess 00:01:32.099 --> 00:01:36.980 that everyone will go, oh, so if that's the issue, 00:01:37.079 --> 00:01:40.480 then I guess I do have a little issue with angry 00:01:40.480 --> 00:01:44.819 feelings. In fact, what I want you to think about 00:01:44.819 --> 00:01:50.340 is what you do with your anger. Everyone has 00:01:50.340 --> 00:01:53.180 it. There's slow people in front of you, right? 00:01:53.709 --> 00:01:56.590 There's people that frustrate you. There are 00:01:56.590 --> 00:01:58.930 block goals. There's people that say things about 00:01:58.930 --> 00:02:00.870 you. You get wounded. You have expectations. 00:02:01.129 --> 00:02:07.469 You're human. Note, we express our anger in such 00:02:07.469 --> 00:02:10.330 a wide variety of ways that many people assume 00:02:10.330 --> 00:02:15.310 anger is not an issue in their life. For those 00:02:15.310 --> 00:02:18.349 that make sure the fill -ins get filled in right 00:02:18.349 --> 00:02:22.669 or they get angry, the first word is express. 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:27.860 And the second word is anger. We all express 00:02:27.860 --> 00:02:31.340 it in such a wide variety of ways, we often think 00:02:31.340 --> 00:02:38.340 we don't have an anger problem. Dr. Becca listed 00:02:38.340 --> 00:02:42.020 some common ways that people express their anger. 00:02:42.460 --> 00:02:45.060 And so let me just give you a salad bar. And 00:02:45.060 --> 00:02:47.379 they shut down. They assert power and authority. 00:02:47.520 --> 00:02:49.360 They become pushy and aggressive. They yell, 00:02:49.419 --> 00:02:51.860 scream, shout, and slam. They belittle, demand, 00:02:52.099 --> 00:02:53.840 and slander. They intimidate others. They become 00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:56.219 depressed. They isolate themselves. They alienate 00:02:56.219 --> 00:02:58.759 others. They suppress their feelings. They repress, 00:02:58.780 --> 00:03:01.060 regress, become fearful. They hit, grab, push, 00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:04.360 beat, slap, throw. Should I go on? They spew 00:03:04.360 --> 00:03:06.460 out, threaten others, become hostile, feel shame, 00:03:06.659 --> 00:03:09.020 manipulate others, experience self -hatred, cover 00:03:09.020 --> 00:03:11.419 up their feelings. pretend they're not really 00:03:11.419 --> 00:03:13.840 angry and hope it goes away. They rationalize 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:16.240 and blame, you made me angry. They make excuses. 00:03:16.319 --> 00:03:17.860 They become discouraged, despondent, depressed. 00:03:18.139 --> 00:03:19.979 They gossip, they slander, they become selfish, 00:03:20.159 --> 00:03:22.379 self -centered. They minimize how anger really, 00:03:22.439 --> 00:03:25.960 it doesn't really impact me that much. They deny 00:03:25.960 --> 00:03:27.680 their feelings. They feel self -pity. They become 00:03:27.680 --> 00:03:29.800 critical, cynical, sarcastic. They give people 00:03:29.800 --> 00:03:32.199 a silent treatment. They often cry for long periods 00:03:32.199 --> 00:03:34.419 of time. They point their finger and use one 00:03:34.419 --> 00:03:39.069 of their fingers as they drive. They frown. They 00:03:39.069 --> 00:03:41.229 shake their fists, they groan, they give ultimatums, 00:03:41.229 --> 00:03:44.569 they shrug their shoulders, and they sneer. Those 00:03:44.569 --> 00:03:47.009 are 50 quick ways that people tend to express 00:03:47.009 --> 00:03:51.830 their anger on occasion. And let's talk about 00:03:51.830 --> 00:03:55.110 the many masks. Proverbs 17 .9 says, the heart 00:03:55.110 --> 00:03:57.610 is deceitful above all else and beyond cure. 00:03:57.810 --> 00:04:00.500 Who can understand it? It goes on to say that 00:04:00.500 --> 00:04:02.539 the Lord searches the heart, examines the mind 00:04:02.539 --> 00:04:05.479 to reward each man according to his conduct, 00:04:05.740 --> 00:04:09.599 according to what his deeds deserve. And what 00:04:09.599 --> 00:04:11.479 I want to do right now is I'm going to walk you 00:04:11.479 --> 00:04:14.259 through a little journey, all right? There may 00:04:14.259 --> 00:04:17.899 be more, but you can take anger into three major 00:04:17.899 --> 00:04:21.519 masks or categories. I'm going to suggest that 00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:25.379 there are spewers, there are stuffers, and there 00:04:25.379 --> 00:04:28.850 are leakers. Should we go over that again? There 00:04:28.850 --> 00:04:32.629 are spewers with their anger. There are stuffers. 00:04:32.629 --> 00:04:35.569 And then there are leakers. And I want to go 00:04:35.569 --> 00:04:39.610 over first spewers. And there's a very clear 00:04:39.610 --> 00:04:41.850 inventory. You can see on your notes. So we'll 00:04:41.850 --> 00:04:43.870 go through this pretty rapidly. And then I have 00:04:43.870 --> 00:04:47.230 some questions. And maybe you shouldn't count 00:04:47.230 --> 00:04:49.009 on your fingers, but I'll have some questions 00:04:49.009 --> 00:04:50.850 that you can mentally go, yeah, for me, yeah, 00:04:50.949 --> 00:04:54.129 yeah, yeah. And here's the goal. None of these 00:04:54.129 --> 00:04:58.470 make you bad. Okay? Don't get, I'm a spewer, 00:04:58.649 --> 00:05:01.529 I'm a leaker, I wish I wasn't a leaker, I wish 00:05:01.529 --> 00:05:03.050 I could be a stuffer, then I could be depressed, 00:05:03.129 --> 00:05:06.930 but people wouldn't know. You know, this is not 00:05:06.930 --> 00:05:10.470 about one of the masks. These are human responses. 00:05:11.310 --> 00:05:14.850 Now, some of them have different damage. So let's 00:05:14.850 --> 00:05:17.730 follow along. Here's a summary of all the research 00:05:17.730 --> 00:05:20.170 about people who spew their anger. There's two 00:05:20.170 --> 00:05:23.420 types of spewers. Exploding time bombs, they're 00:05:23.420 --> 00:05:26.519 out of control, and calculated time bombs. There's 00:05:26.519 --> 00:05:28.319 some people, they spew it, they know when they're 00:05:28.319 --> 00:05:29.660 going to do it, why they're going to do it, and 00:05:29.660 --> 00:05:32.019 how they're going to do it. The message they 00:05:32.019 --> 00:05:35.920 have is that anger is necessary. Their reaction 00:05:35.920 --> 00:05:40.439 is, you bet I'm mad. Do what I say or else. This 00:05:40.439 --> 00:05:43.910 is a power issue. The reasons for spewers expressing 00:05:43.910 --> 00:05:46.649 their anger, it gives them a false sense of power 00:05:46.649 --> 00:05:49.350 or control, it helps them release pent -up negative 00:05:49.350 --> 00:05:52.689 emotions, and they feel unable to constrain or 00:05:52.689 --> 00:05:55.870 control their anger. They have poor impulse control. 00:05:56.329 --> 00:06:00.209 The guy on the radio talk show yesterday, I mean, 00:06:00.230 --> 00:06:03.069 he just said, I do it and I don't want to do 00:06:03.069 --> 00:06:05.629 it and I work really hard and then it... It just 00:06:05.629 --> 00:06:07.930 comes out, and he goes, I'm destroying my family. 00:06:08.110 --> 00:06:10.230 He said, I read the Bible. I'm a leader in my 00:06:10.230 --> 00:06:12.829 church. My wife and my kids, I mean, this is, 00:06:12.850 --> 00:06:19.410 what do I do? This is how they blow up, yell, 00:06:19.550 --> 00:06:23.129 scream, shout, push, shove, hit, kick, intimidate, 00:06:23.129 --> 00:06:26.629 aggression, become overly opinionated, overly 00:06:26.629 --> 00:06:30.269 blunt, forceful, tactless, or demanding and repetitive. 00:06:31.009 --> 00:06:34.339 My dad was a spewer. And when he was really mad, 00:06:34.439 --> 00:06:37.860 man, you just got out of the way. But like when 00:06:37.860 --> 00:06:39.800 he got really mad and he was dealing with you 00:06:39.800 --> 00:06:41.839 with something, hey, why didn't you clean out 00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:43.319 the garage? Why didn't you clean out the garage? 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:44.680 Why didn't you clean out the garage? Son, come 00:06:44.680 --> 00:06:46.240 over right here. Do you see that? Yeah, that's 00:06:46.240 --> 00:06:48.459 not clean. Yeah, the garage isn't clean. I'm 00:06:48.459 --> 00:06:50.699 thinking, he thinks I have a hearing problem. 00:06:53.279 --> 00:06:56.149 When people get real mad, they... Spewers, they 00:06:56.149 --> 00:06:59.050 tend to repeat, repeat. The results, listen to 00:06:59.050 --> 00:07:00.810 the results. This is what happens to spewers. 00:07:00.850 --> 00:07:03.050 This is why we're going to study this. They wound 00:07:03.050 --> 00:07:05.750 themselves and others. There's a loss of control 00:07:05.750 --> 00:07:09.970 or power. There's a false sense of power. There's 00:07:09.970 --> 00:07:13.750 great feelings of guilt. Spewers often feel... 00:07:14.379 --> 00:07:16.959 amazing remorse. They're so sorry, and it's genuine. 00:07:17.339 --> 00:07:19.879 They have strained then and unhealthy relationships, 00:07:20.220 --> 00:07:23.100 possible retaliation or revenge. When you spew 00:07:23.100 --> 00:07:24.579 on people, there's times where you got to be 00:07:24.579 --> 00:07:26.279 careful. Guess what? They're going to come back 00:07:26.279 --> 00:07:29.399 at you. There's possible damage, even violent 00:07:29.399 --> 00:07:32.839 behavior, and often spewers have tremendous regrets. 00:07:33.759 --> 00:07:37.699 What a spewer needs, this is what they need. 00:07:37.920 --> 00:07:41.519 They need to develop a longer fuse. They need 00:07:41.519 --> 00:07:44.560 to learn to control their anger. Unconsciously, 00:07:44.560 --> 00:07:47.019 spewers give themselves permission. They say 00:07:47.019 --> 00:07:50.379 things like, I can't help it. I'm Irish. I have 00:07:50.379 --> 00:07:54.180 red hair. It's just the way I am. They did, and 00:07:54.180 --> 00:07:56.279 they will use phrases like, you made me angry. 00:07:56.379 --> 00:08:00.920 No one ever makes you angry. Your emotions are 00:08:00.920 --> 00:08:03.920 yours that you control, and you choose to respond 00:08:03.920 --> 00:08:07.879 and not respond. I mean, this has happened in 00:08:07.879 --> 00:08:10.579 our home, unfortunately. But let's just make 00:08:10.579 --> 00:08:12.199 it your home so I don't feel quite so guilty. 00:08:12.480 --> 00:08:14.720 So I'll make this example in your house. And 00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:17.000 let's just say you and one of your children or 00:08:17.000 --> 00:08:18.819 grandchildren or let's say you and your husband 00:08:18.819 --> 00:08:20.420 and wife are having a rather heated discussion. 00:08:20.660 --> 00:08:23.240 I mean, a good Christian heated discussion. You're 00:08:23.240 --> 00:08:25.759 not yelling, I mean, like really loud. Nothing 00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:28.699 is being thrown, no expletives. But I mean, you're 00:08:28.699 --> 00:08:40.950 hot. And then the phone rings. Hello? No, actually, 00:08:41.129 --> 00:08:44.529 we're busy right now. Yeah, I think I could bring 00:08:44.529 --> 00:08:48.289 a casserole. Yeah, Bob's, you know, Bob's, yeah, 00:08:48.429 --> 00:08:55.250 he's occupied right now. Okay. Now, right? We 00:08:55.250 --> 00:09:00.210 have the power to control our anger. Question, 00:09:00.490 --> 00:09:04.120 are you a spewer? Now, I want to read. This is 00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:06.539 out of an excellent workbook, actually. It's 00:09:06.539 --> 00:09:09.320 by Les Carter and Frank Minereth. And I want 00:09:09.320 --> 00:09:11.820 you to lean back, and I'm going to list seven 00:09:11.820 --> 00:09:15.899 to ten questions. And as I say them, again, this 00:09:15.899 --> 00:09:18.940 is, you know, my lands, we've so been brainwashed 00:09:18.940 --> 00:09:21.679 that any kind of anger is wrong. I just want 00:09:21.679 --> 00:09:24.600 you to get a grip on who you are and how you 00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:27.919 tend. You learn this, okay? You learn this from 00:09:27.919 --> 00:09:31.620 other people. It's where you're at. So I'm going 00:09:31.620 --> 00:09:33.759 to read these questions, and every time you think 00:09:33.759 --> 00:09:35.480 that question, and just your first response, 00:09:35.659 --> 00:09:37.659 if you're going, well, I'm not sure I really 00:09:37.659 --> 00:09:40.019 do that. If you start down that, just yeah or 00:09:40.019 --> 00:09:43.940 no, yeah or no. But I'm going to list them, and 00:09:43.940 --> 00:09:46.639 as I list them, I want you to ask yourself just 00:09:46.639 --> 00:09:50.139 a quick yes or no and keep count. Okay, number 00:09:50.139 --> 00:09:52.679 one, I can be blunt and forceful when someone 00:09:52.679 --> 00:09:55.740 does something to frustrate me. Yes or no? As 00:09:55.740 --> 00:09:59.039 I speak my convictions, my voice becomes increasingly 00:09:59.039 --> 00:10:02.470 louder. Three, when someone confronts me about 00:10:02.470 --> 00:10:05.210 a problem, I'm likely to offer a ready rebuttal. 00:10:05.669 --> 00:10:08.950 Four, no one has to guess my opinion. I'm known 00:10:08.950 --> 00:10:13.250 for having unwavering viewpoints. Five, when 00:10:13.250 --> 00:10:17.070 something goes wrong, I focus so sharply on fixing 00:10:17.070 --> 00:10:20.049 the problem, I often overlook people's feelings. 00:10:20.710 --> 00:10:23.269 Six, I have a history of getting caught in bickering 00:10:23.269 --> 00:10:26.149 matches with family members. Check with your 00:10:26.149 --> 00:10:30.730 mate on that one. Seven, during verbal disagreements 00:10:30.730 --> 00:10:33.210 with someone, I tend to repeat myself several 00:10:33.210 --> 00:10:36.610 times to make the point. Eight, I find it hard 00:10:36.610 --> 00:10:39.110 to keep my thoughts to myself when I know something 00:10:39.110 --> 00:10:43.990 is wrong. Nine, I have a reputation of being 00:10:43.990 --> 00:10:46.929 strong -willed. And 10, I tend to give advice 00:10:46.929 --> 00:10:50.610 even when others have not asked for it. Okay, 00:10:50.690 --> 00:10:53.970 now just in your mind, if you mentally have five, 00:10:54.250 --> 00:10:57.919 welcome. to the spew club. We'll have t -shirts 00:10:57.919 --> 00:11:00.559 later. I'm a spewer, but God's working in my 00:11:00.559 --> 00:11:04.539 life, okay? Stuffers, there's two types. Those 00:11:04.539 --> 00:11:07.340 who repress, they deny and avoid, and those who 00:11:07.340 --> 00:11:11.539 suppress, they pretend and stuff. The message 00:11:11.539 --> 00:11:14.960 they believe is that anger is bad. Their reaction 00:11:14.960 --> 00:11:19.100 to, are you angry, is angry? Not me. Why are 00:11:19.100 --> 00:11:21.899 they afraid of anger? They think it's bad or 00:11:21.899 --> 00:11:24.919 even sinful to be angry. They fear God's wrath. 00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:27.899 They fear a loss of control and making a fool 00:11:27.899 --> 00:11:31.000 of themselves if they got angry. They fear rejection 00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:33.120 by others. If I get angry, those people will 00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:36.360 reject me. They don't like to feel guilty, and 00:11:36.360 --> 00:11:38.980 when they get angry, they feel guilty. They experience 00:11:38.980 --> 00:11:42.460 anger sometime in their past was scary, so all 00:11:42.460 --> 00:11:45.879 anger is something to be avoided. They fear retaliation, 00:11:45.919 --> 00:11:49.340 punishment, or the consequences and the outcomes 00:11:49.340 --> 00:11:52.840 of them expressing their anger. Most of you learned 00:11:52.840 --> 00:11:58.539 that. As a kid. My wife is a classic stuffer. 00:11:59.279 --> 00:12:04.000 Anger was not allowed in her home. Varying opinions 00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:07.980 were not allowed in her home. She had a very 00:12:07.980 --> 00:12:11.000 sweet mother and a father who traveled, who was 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:14.779 an alcoholic. He didn't know what he didn't know. 00:12:15.120 --> 00:12:18.879 and he ruled with an ironed fist and lots of 00:12:18.879 --> 00:12:21.299 rules, and you didn't buck him, and you never 00:12:21.299 --> 00:12:23.679 talked back. Talking back was like opening your 00:12:23.679 --> 00:12:28.600 mouth. But so she had a belief system, all anger 00:12:28.600 --> 00:12:31.879 is wrong. The reason I learned so much about 00:12:31.879 --> 00:12:36.500 anger was I had a dad who was a spewer. She had 00:12:36.500 --> 00:12:39.559 a dad where anger is wrong. We love one another. 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:42.360 We're in seminary. And Frank Minner's friend, 00:12:42.539 --> 00:12:44.580 Paul Meyer, the Minner -Meyer Clinic, was teaching 00:12:44.580 --> 00:12:47.500 us how to do pastoral counseling. And here I'm 00:12:47.500 --> 00:12:50.039 learning how to do pastoral counseling. And I'm 00:12:50.039 --> 00:12:51.259 learning how we're supposed to help these other 00:12:51.259 --> 00:12:53.539 people. And he gets into some of these kind of 00:12:53.539 --> 00:12:57.279 things. And I realize my wife goes silent. She 00:12:57.279 --> 00:13:00.419 withdraws. She cries quietly and doesn't talk 00:13:00.419 --> 00:13:02.519 to me for two days. And it pretends everything's 00:13:02.519 --> 00:13:05.919 okay. This is not a healthy response to anger. 00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:08.379 I don't feel close to her when she does that. 00:13:09.019 --> 00:13:11.480 And she doesn't feel close to me because I'm 00:13:11.480 --> 00:13:14.679 a verbalizer, and since we don't have it resolved, 00:13:14.919 --> 00:13:17.919 and I have Ephesians 4 .26 memorized, she's in 00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:20.299 bed up to one, and I'm walking around the bed. 00:13:20.379 --> 00:13:22.179 We have to deal with this tonight. Be angry, 00:13:22.220 --> 00:13:24.799 but do not sin. Would you please wake up? Hey, 00:13:25.100 --> 00:13:27.100 get up here. Hey, we're going to talk about it 00:13:27.100 --> 00:13:30.320 right now, right now, right, you know? And she 00:13:30.320 --> 00:13:32.200 would shut down, and then we would pretend for 00:13:32.200 --> 00:13:34.759 two days. Nothing really happened. We'd bury 00:13:34.759 --> 00:13:38.279 the anger. Move on. You do understand that anger 00:13:38.279 --> 00:13:42.940 puts a roadblock in intimacy. Emotional intimacy, 00:13:43.159 --> 00:13:46.620 intellectual intimacy, and physical intimacy. 00:13:47.799 --> 00:13:51.460 And so I realized that we didn't know how to 00:13:51.460 --> 00:13:53.360 deal with anger and we didn't know how to communicate. 00:13:53.700 --> 00:13:58.440 And so I was making $1 ,000 a month and supporting 00:13:58.440 --> 00:14:01.919 my family as I went to seminary. And at about 00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:06.419 $90 a pop for 12 weeks. We went to Paul Meyer's 00:14:06.419 --> 00:14:10.480 brother for counseling in marriage, and he gave 00:14:10.480 --> 00:14:13.580 us tools to learn how to communicate and how 00:14:13.580 --> 00:14:16.220 to express our anger. And I'm not even going 00:14:16.220 --> 00:14:19.559 to charge you. I'm going to give you some of 00:14:19.559 --> 00:14:23.340 those tools. And it is an amazing thing to be 00:14:23.340 --> 00:14:26.960 able to communicate. I feel hurt. I feel angry. 00:14:27.059 --> 00:14:29.500 Win you and be able to get things on the table 00:14:29.500 --> 00:14:32.659 and not attack the other person and not be threatened. 00:14:33.389 --> 00:14:36.070 Some of you will come away and realize that was 00:14:36.070 --> 00:14:40.970 worth the entire time together. Stuffers, how 00:14:40.970 --> 00:14:43.070 do they stuff it? By ignoring it, denying it, 00:14:43.110 --> 00:14:45.909 shielding or defecting it, minimizing it, pretending 00:14:45.909 --> 00:14:48.230 they're not really angry, by avoiding it, by 00:14:48.230 --> 00:14:51.230 burying it. By the way, when you bury it, Paul 00:14:51.230 --> 00:14:55.389 Meyer says 95 % of all depression is anger turned 00:14:55.389 --> 00:14:59.740 inward. Think of that. People that are very, 00:14:59.820 --> 00:15:01.820 very, very depressed. Now, there's clinical reasons 00:15:01.820 --> 00:15:04.740 and physiological reasons, but a lot of depression 00:15:04.740 --> 00:15:06.980 is people don't even know they're angry. They 00:15:06.980 --> 00:15:10.179 push it down. And physiologically, we'll see 00:15:10.179 --> 00:15:12.320 in a minute, it can cause ulcers, headaches, 00:15:12.620 --> 00:15:15.820 all kind of difficult things in your body. But 00:15:15.820 --> 00:15:20.559 emotionally, it causes depression. You're listening 00:15:20.559 --> 00:15:23.490 to Living on the Edge. We'll return you to Chip's 00:15:23.490 --> 00:15:25.690 message in just a minute. But let me quickly 00:15:25.690 --> 00:15:28.309 share with you, God has called us to do incredible 00:15:28.309 --> 00:15:31.309 ministry work all around the world. And when 00:15:31.309 --> 00:15:33.610 you regularly give to Living on the Edge, you're 00:15:33.610 --> 00:15:36.169 a part of what we do. So consider becoming a 00:15:36.169 --> 00:15:39.389 monthly partner today and visit livingontheedge 00:15:39.389 --> 00:15:44.110 .org. We appreciate your generous support. Well, 00:15:44.129 --> 00:15:46.909 with that, here's Chip. Results, they become 00:15:46.909 --> 00:15:49.629 doormats. They're taken advantage of. They redirect 00:15:49.629 --> 00:15:52.279 their anger at themselves. I remember one of 00:15:52.279 --> 00:15:54.679 the biggest things I've done in my wife after 00:15:54.679 --> 00:15:57.940 those years is I would say, honey, I think you're 00:15:57.940 --> 00:15:59.799 angry. And she'd look at me like, no, I'm not. 00:16:01.019 --> 00:16:03.539 No, I'm not. Honey, honey, you got to be angry. 00:16:03.659 --> 00:16:06.240 That lady just talked to you like that. Well, 00:16:06.360 --> 00:16:08.960 she's probably having a bad day. No matter what 00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:11.879 happened, my wife, I would joke, an ambulance 00:16:11.879 --> 00:16:15.039 would go by and Teresa would try and, I wonder 00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:18.659 what I did wrong. I mean, I'm joking. I'm exaggerating. 00:16:18.679 --> 00:16:21.799 But I mean, she... It was so wrong to be angry 00:16:21.799 --> 00:16:24.019 about anything, she always figured out how to 00:16:24.019 --> 00:16:26.759 blame herself. Now, I wish you could see the 00:16:26.759 --> 00:16:29.919 beautiful woman that I'm married to now. But 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:33.519 wow, we had to discover how she dealt with anger 00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:38.100 before she got the truth that set her free. The 00:16:38.100 --> 00:16:40.679 results are they develop physical ailments that 00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:42.879 I talked about. They occasionally erupt. By the 00:16:42.879 --> 00:16:44.779 way, it's kind of weird. These kind of people, 00:16:44.899 --> 00:16:47.899 they never share it, never share it. And then 00:16:47.899 --> 00:16:52.259 finally, they develop resentment. What stuffers 00:16:52.259 --> 00:16:54.279 need is to accept that anger is okay and normal, 00:16:54.340 --> 00:16:56.139 to acknowledge their fears and seek to minimize 00:16:56.139 --> 00:16:58.600 their hold on others, learn to communicate anger 00:16:58.600 --> 00:17:00.860 effectively, become more assertive with their 00:17:00.860 --> 00:17:03.940 needs, that it's okay to have real needs and 00:17:03.940 --> 00:17:06.519 real wants, and to become clear about what they 00:17:06.519 --> 00:17:10.519 will and will not do. So are you a stuffer? Could 00:17:10.519 --> 00:17:13.539 you be a stuffer? I have another 10 questions, 00:17:13.619 --> 00:17:17.019 and you can just put them on your fingers. Question 00:17:17.019 --> 00:17:20.000 number one, I'm very image conscious. I don't 00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:22.960 like to let others know my problems. Yes or no? 00:17:23.579 --> 00:17:26.160 Even when I feel frustrated, I portray myself 00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:29.480 publicly as having it all together. Three, I'm 00:17:29.480 --> 00:17:32.119 rather reserved about sharing my problems or 00:17:32.119 --> 00:17:34.859 my frustrations. Four, if a family member or 00:17:34.859 --> 00:17:37.960 friend upsets me, I can let days pass without 00:17:37.960 --> 00:17:41.839 even mentioning it. Five, I have a tendency to 00:17:41.839 --> 00:17:44.359 be depressed and moody. Just a tendency, doesn't 00:17:44.359 --> 00:17:47.460 mean you all the time. Six, resentful thinking 00:17:47.460 --> 00:17:49.519 is common for me, although many people would 00:17:49.519 --> 00:17:52.500 never suspect it. Seven, I've suffered with physical 00:17:52.500 --> 00:17:55.160 complaints, for example, headaches, stomach ailments, 00:17:55.200 --> 00:17:58.019 and sleep irregularity. Eight, there are times 00:17:58.019 --> 00:18:01.160 when I wonder if my opinions or preferences are 00:18:01.160 --> 00:18:04.900 really valid. Nine, sometimes I feel paralyzed 00:18:04.900 --> 00:18:08.720 when confronted by an unwanted situation. And 00:18:08.720 --> 00:18:12.119 10, I feel guilty a lot about little things, 00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:16.349 especially if someone is upset with me. Those 00:18:16.349 --> 00:18:18.769 of you that said click, click, click, click, 00:18:18.789 --> 00:18:21.589 click, five or more, you're probably a stuffer. 00:18:21.650 --> 00:18:23.470 Now, some of you are feeling real bad because 00:18:23.470 --> 00:18:27.410 you're thinking, you know, I had like four or 00:18:27.410 --> 00:18:29.490 five on the last one. I got five on this one. 00:18:30.710 --> 00:18:40.109 I mean, yes, you can wear more than one mask. 00:18:41.369 --> 00:18:45.819 You probably have a primary one. but you can 00:18:45.819 --> 00:18:51.019 wear more than one. So are you a stuffer? Yes, 00:18:51.299 --> 00:18:55.180 no, or maybe. Finally, let's look at our leakers. 00:18:56.180 --> 00:18:58.700 The technical word for this is passive aggressive. 00:18:59.240 --> 00:19:04.660 And a leaker is a person who is angry, but what 00:19:04.660 --> 00:19:07.279 they do is they have, as you'll look, they have 00:19:07.279 --> 00:19:09.640 all the same fears as stuffers. They have the 00:19:09.640 --> 00:19:13.660 same belief system as stuffers, but they just... 00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:15.779 just stuffing it all the time. It's like, I just 00:19:15.779 --> 00:19:18.240 can't go there. And so, but they're not gonna 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:20.119 do it directly. So what they do is I'm angry 00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:22.279 about this situation, this person, this hurt, 00:19:22.400 --> 00:19:25.640 this injustice, this pain, this wound. I'm not 00:19:25.640 --> 00:19:27.480 gonna deal with it over here. I take that anger. 00:19:27.799 --> 00:19:31.700 I put it under my arm like a football. And now 00:19:31.700 --> 00:19:34.900 I go over to here to a safe playing field. And 00:19:34.900 --> 00:19:37.980 then I take the anger and I leak it to get back 00:19:37.980 --> 00:19:40.759 at the person to punish them for what they did. 00:19:42.700 --> 00:19:46.940 Sarcasm. Negativity, procrastination, frigidity. 00:19:49.579 --> 00:19:54.079 Critical remarks. Knowing they like you to be 00:19:54.079 --> 00:19:56.880 prompt, you're late. Knowing they'll love you 00:19:56.880 --> 00:20:01.480 to follow through, I forgot. I'm so sorry. Okay? 00:20:01.759 --> 00:20:05.160 That's what leakers do. I'm an expert on this 00:20:05.160 --> 00:20:11.759 one. Types are indirect and direct leakers. Here's 00:20:11.759 --> 00:20:15.369 their message. It's not that anger, it's showing 00:20:15.369 --> 00:20:18.890 anger is bad. You can be angry, but just don't 00:20:18.890 --> 00:20:23.769 let anyone see it. The reaction, angry, not me. 00:20:23.849 --> 00:20:27.650 Well, maybe just a little. Why are they afraid 00:20:27.650 --> 00:20:30.470 of anger? They think it's bad or even sinful 00:20:30.470 --> 00:20:34.950 to be angry. They fear God's wrath. They fear 00:20:34.950 --> 00:20:37.509 loss of control. Losing it might make them look 00:20:37.509 --> 00:20:40.289 foolish. They fear rejection. Others won't like 00:20:40.289 --> 00:20:42.740 them if they get angry. They don't like to feel 00:20:42.740 --> 00:20:45.220 guilty. Their experience with anger was scary, 00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:47.259 so all anger is something to be afraid of or 00:20:47.259 --> 00:20:50.240 avoid it. That's what I had. They fear retaliation, 00:20:50.259 --> 00:20:52.700 punishment, or consequences or outcomes. Now, 00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:55.279 did you notice that most all of those were the 00:20:55.279 --> 00:20:58.240 exact same reasons as people that stuff their 00:20:58.240 --> 00:21:01.579 anger? But then how do they leak it? By not following 00:21:01.579 --> 00:21:04.380 through on commitments or promises, by not letting 00:21:04.380 --> 00:21:06.480 their yes be yes or their no be no. These people, 00:21:06.539 --> 00:21:07.980 you know, when you're really a leaker, I'll do 00:21:07.980 --> 00:21:11.240 this, I wish I could, I can't. We are flaky at 00:21:11.240 --> 00:21:15.599 times, and it makes people crazy. By making excuses, 00:21:15.819 --> 00:21:19.579 by procrastinating, by knowingly going at a pace 00:21:19.579 --> 00:21:22.279 different than others, or knowing, have you ever 00:21:22.279 --> 00:21:24.880 had people really get up on your bumper? You 00:21:24.880 --> 00:21:26.440 know, beep, beep, you know, you know, there's 00:21:26.440 --> 00:21:30.299 like 15 million cars ahead of you, and this guy's, 00:21:30.299 --> 00:21:32.380 you know, switching and almost killing people 00:21:32.380 --> 00:21:35.480 so he can make it like 30 more feet, right? And 00:21:35.480 --> 00:21:37.160 so he's like, you look in your rearview mirror, 00:21:37.240 --> 00:21:40.420 and all you see is his grill. Now, some of you 00:21:40.420 --> 00:21:44.819 in your younger days, or if you know karate, 00:21:45.059 --> 00:21:47.339 want to pull off and say, right now, dude, right 00:21:47.339 --> 00:21:49.420 now, let's take it down. Let's take it down. 00:21:50.059 --> 00:21:53.559 Others of you want to express yourself to them, 00:21:53.619 --> 00:21:57.279 and still others go, if you think you're close 00:21:57.279 --> 00:22:04.160 to my bumper now going 65, oh my, I'm only going 00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:08.710 58 now. And there's a big semi on the right. 00:22:09.950 --> 00:22:12.029 And you know something? I'm getting kind of tired. 00:22:12.069 --> 00:22:14.009 I think I'm going to pull it down to 43, you 00:22:14.009 --> 00:22:18.930 know? And then no eye contact. You just look 00:22:18.930 --> 00:22:25.769 ahead, right? You're one angry person. You wonder 00:22:25.769 --> 00:22:27.789 where I got that illustration. I have no idea. 00:22:31.769 --> 00:22:35.579 The results. They develop a false or unhealthy 00:22:35.579 --> 00:22:38.900 sense of power. I mean, even all your laughter, 00:22:38.920 --> 00:22:40.799 it was like, you know why you were laughing? 00:22:41.160 --> 00:22:43.079 It was a power deal, right? We got that guy. 00:22:43.259 --> 00:22:46.019 We got that guy. That smart aleck in front of 00:22:46.019 --> 00:22:49.059 me, back of me. They aggravate those around them 00:22:49.059 --> 00:22:51.900 and they strain weakened relationships. They 00:22:51.900 --> 00:22:54.880 become critical and negative. They become isolated. 00:22:56.039 --> 00:22:59.200 You might write the word, leakers are very, very 00:22:59.200 --> 00:23:03.869 sarcastic. They're often late. They withdraw. 00:23:04.849 --> 00:23:08.029 They often are frigid sexually to pay back their 00:23:08.029 --> 00:23:13.289 mate. They forget, and they avoid issues. What 00:23:13.289 --> 00:23:15.269 a leaker needs is to accept that anger is okay 00:23:15.269 --> 00:23:18.769 and normal, to acknowledge fears and seek to 00:23:18.769 --> 00:23:21.269 minimize the influence of those fears on their 00:23:21.269 --> 00:23:23.809 life. They need to learn to communicate their 00:23:23.809 --> 00:23:26.960 anger effectively. They need to become more assertive. 00:23:26.960 --> 00:23:28.640 A lot of times they don't really say. We don't 00:23:28.640 --> 00:23:30.799 say what we really mean. We think people can 00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:32.400 read our minds, but then they don't come through 00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:33.819 for us because they're not reading our minds. 00:23:33.940 --> 00:23:35.460 And so we get angry at them because they don't 00:23:35.460 --> 00:23:36.980 read our minds, even though we didn't tell them. 00:23:37.019 --> 00:23:40.079 And then we do stuff to punish them. And then, 00:23:40.099 --> 00:23:42.380 you know, it doesn't work. And they need to be 00:23:42.380 --> 00:23:45.200 clear about what they will do and won't do. Okay, 00:23:45.299 --> 00:23:48.079 are you ready for the big 10 questions? Here's 00:23:48.079 --> 00:23:52.000 the questions. Add them up. Yes or no, real quick. 00:23:52.339 --> 00:23:55.700 When I'm frustrated, I become silent. knowing 00:23:55.700 --> 00:23:59.079 it bothers other people. Two, I'm prone to sulk 00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:01.700 and pout. I'm going to go out to the garage and 00:24:01.700 --> 00:24:04.799 work on my tools. Three, when I don't want to 00:24:04.799 --> 00:24:07.420 do a project, I will procrastinate. I can be 00:24:07.420 --> 00:24:10.720 lazy. Four, when someone asks me if I'm frustrated, 00:24:10.980 --> 00:24:15.900 I will lie and say, no, everything's fine. Five, 00:24:16.019 --> 00:24:18.680 there are times when I am deliberately evasive 00:24:18.680 --> 00:24:22.420 so others won't bother me. Six, I sometimes approach 00:24:22.420 --> 00:24:25.609 work projects half -heartedly. Seven, when someone 00:24:25.609 --> 00:24:27.990 talks to me about my problems, I stare straight 00:24:27.990 --> 00:24:32.849 ahead, being deliberately obstinate. Eight, I'm 00:24:32.849 --> 00:24:35.789 often sarcastic and hide my real hurts behind 00:24:35.789 --> 00:24:39.170 jokes. Nine, I withdraw affection and become 00:24:39.170 --> 00:24:43.430 frigid when hurt. Ten, I forget to do things 00:24:43.430 --> 00:24:47.650 for people when they've wounded me. Got them? 00:24:49.009 --> 00:24:55.119 Are you a leaker? Yes, no, or maybe? Ask yourself, 00:24:55.400 --> 00:24:57.980 and I encourage you to get a pen before you share 00:24:57.980 --> 00:25:01.160 it with others if you can, what makes you angry? 00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:06.279 Just the top three. What are two or three things 00:25:06.279 --> 00:25:09.900 that really make you angry? Second, when and 00:25:09.900 --> 00:25:12.900 where is it okay to feel angry? I mean, if you 00:25:12.900 --> 00:25:14.819 could just identify, some of you think it's so 00:25:14.819 --> 00:25:17.420 wrong. When would it be okay? Some of you so 00:25:17.420 --> 00:25:19.920 lit up when I talked about Jesus was angry, Moses 00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:24.019 was angry, David was angry, Chip was angry at 00:25:24.019 --> 00:25:26.359 the laundromat. Some of you, your faces just 00:25:26.359 --> 00:25:30.819 said, wow, maybe I could get a little mad and 00:25:30.819 --> 00:25:34.799 be okay. Where do you think it'd be okay to get 00:25:34.799 --> 00:25:39.660 mad? And then, in what ways do you tend to misuse 00:25:39.660 --> 00:25:46.589 anger? Why do you hang on to it? And then which 00:25:46.589 --> 00:25:50.809 anger mask do you wear most often? Spewer, stuffer, 00:25:50.809 --> 00:25:55.529 or leaker? Then the final question, and this 00:25:55.529 --> 00:25:58.630 will be the journey just up to now, if you had 00:25:58.630 --> 00:26:01.970 to turn to someone and say, the one insight that 00:26:01.970 --> 00:26:07.670 I received so far about anger and emotions that 00:26:07.670 --> 00:26:09.809 I think will be helpful to me, I think it's, 00:26:09.809 --> 00:26:14.059 what would you write down? Okay? We're going 00:26:14.059 --> 00:26:18.200 to go on a journey together and get some practical 00:26:18.200 --> 00:26:21.779 help for those angry feelings that destroy relationships. 00:26:22.420 --> 00:26:26.720 God gave you this divine gift, a neutral emotion 00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:31.240 called anger that can be for good or for evil. 00:26:31.740 --> 00:26:36.720 Let's figure out how we deal with our anger and 00:26:36.720 --> 00:26:40.220 then how we can, by God's grace, begin to channel 00:26:40.220 --> 00:26:47.680 it in ways for His glory and our good. You're 00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:50.180 listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, 00:26:50.240 --> 00:26:53.220 and the message you just heard, Rage, Understanding 00:26:53.220 --> 00:26:56.359 the Monster Within, is from our series, Overcoming 00:26:56.359 --> 00:26:59.460 Emotions That Destroy. Chip will join us in studio 00:26:59.460 --> 00:27:02.059 to share some insights from today's talk in just 00:27:02.059 --> 00:27:05.640 a minute. Anger has always been seen as a wrong, 00:27:05.700 --> 00:27:08.849 unhealthy feeling. But what if I told you that 00:27:08.849 --> 00:27:11.450 this emotion is a signal of a deeper problem 00:27:11.450 --> 00:27:13.990 we need to be aware of? And if channeled correctly, 00:27:14.390 --> 00:27:17.390 anger could actually be used for good. Well, 00:27:17.450 --> 00:27:20.029 in this 10 -part series, Chip uncovers the root 00:27:20.029 --> 00:27:22.569 of anger in our lives and explains how we can 00:27:22.569 --> 00:27:25.750 turn our most intense frustrations into a valuable 00:27:25.750 --> 00:27:28.809 asset. So if you're desperate to better understand 00:27:28.809 --> 00:27:31.369 this emotion and have control over it, you're 00:27:31.369 --> 00:27:34.660 not going to want to miss a single program. Well, 00:27:34.660 --> 00:27:36.599 Chip's here in studio with me now to share a 00:27:36.599 --> 00:27:39.500 quick word with all of you. Chip? Thanks, Dave. 00:27:39.599 --> 00:27:41.960 I want to share an important request with you. 00:27:42.460 --> 00:27:44.799 If Living on the Edge is ministering to you, 00:27:44.980 --> 00:27:48.079 would you consider returning the favor? If you've 00:27:48.079 --> 00:27:49.880 been listening but haven't yet become a financial 00:27:49.880 --> 00:27:52.920 partner with Living on the Edge, would you prayerfully 00:27:52.920 --> 00:27:55.880 consider sending a gift today? And if you've 00:27:55.880 --> 00:27:58.940 given but could do it monthly, I can't tell you. 00:27:58.960 --> 00:28:01.900 It would make a huge difference. If we all pitched 00:28:01.900 --> 00:28:04.039 in, it would just make an incredible difference 00:28:04.039 --> 00:28:07.000 in terms of what we can do here to reach and 00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:10.680 care for more people. So thanks so much for all 00:28:10.680 --> 00:28:12.900 that you do. And thanks for just praying and 00:28:12.900 --> 00:28:15.319 doing whatever God shows you to do. And we will 00:28:15.319 --> 00:28:17.859 receive it with great gratitude. Thanks, Chip. 00:28:17.960 --> 00:28:20.480 It takes a team to do what God's called us to 00:28:20.480 --> 00:28:23.180 do. So we invite you to join us as we encourage 00:28:23.180 --> 00:28:25.819 Christians everywhere to live like Christians. 00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:28.720 Send in your gift or learn how to become a monthly 00:28:28.720 --> 00:28:32.940 partner by going to livingontheedge .org or by 00:28:32.940 --> 00:28:40.140 calling 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333 -6003 00:28:40.140 --> 00:28:44.660 or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners 00:28:44.660 --> 00:28:47.430 tap donate. We'll hear again as Chip to share 00:28:47.430 --> 00:28:50.809 a few final words. As we close today's program, 00:28:51.210 --> 00:28:55.529 you heard me teach that anger wears many masks 00:28:55.529 --> 00:28:59.170 or many facades. We often think we don't have 00:28:59.170 --> 00:29:01.430 an anger problem because, you know, we're not 00:29:01.430 --> 00:29:04.910 a spewer. We don't blow up. But there's three 00:29:04.910 --> 00:29:08.700 masks that we often wear. these anger masks. 00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:12.000 One is the leaker. This is the passive -aggressive 00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:14.920 person that I talked about. This is when we know 00:29:14.920 --> 00:29:17.240 how to push people's buttons and we don't want 00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:19.480 to confront it head -on, and so we let it leak 00:29:19.480 --> 00:29:23.380 out. And so let me ask you, is that you? Do you 00:29:23.380 --> 00:29:25.900 find yourself being sarcastic and letting your 00:29:25.900 --> 00:29:28.200 resentment and things come out in these very 00:29:28.200 --> 00:29:30.940 subtle ways so that if people call you on it, 00:29:30.960 --> 00:29:33.799 you say, oh, no, no, I was just kidding? Or do 00:29:33.799 --> 00:29:37.059 you stuff? Is that your anger mask? Do you stuff 00:29:37.059 --> 00:29:39.319 it? You just don't say anything. Somewhere along 00:29:39.319 --> 00:29:42.140 the line, you learn that anger is wrong and you 00:29:42.140 --> 00:29:44.619 should never be mad and it's a sin to be angry. 00:29:45.099 --> 00:29:48.119 And you find yourself getting depressed or you 00:29:48.119 --> 00:29:52.000 have stomach issues or migraine issues. And it's 00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:54.200 a powerful thing when our emotions are pushed 00:29:54.200 --> 00:29:57.759 down. Or maybe you are that spewer that it just 00:29:57.759 --> 00:30:01.299 builds up inside and you are loud and then you're 00:30:01.299 --> 00:30:04.019 so sorry and so remorseful and you keep asking 00:30:04.019 --> 00:30:06.980 people to forgive you for how you blew up and 00:30:06.980 --> 00:30:09.940 people were intimidated by you. All I want you 00:30:09.940 --> 00:30:13.220 to do today is to identify what's your major 00:30:13.220 --> 00:30:16.539 response. I'd like you to ponder that. And then 00:30:16.539 --> 00:30:18.119 right now, I'd like you to bring it before the 00:30:18.119 --> 00:30:20.680 Lord and say, Lord Jesus, right now, will you 00:30:20.680 --> 00:30:24.039 help me learn to deal with my anger? Would you 00:30:24.039 --> 00:30:27.240 show me why I get angry and what's going on inside 00:30:27.240 --> 00:30:30.779 so you could change me from the inside out? That's 00:30:30.779 --> 00:30:32.859 what you need to pray. And here's what I'll tell 00:30:32.859 --> 00:30:35.720 you. God will show you. That's absolutely right, 00:30:35.819 --> 00:30:38.440 Chip. Good word. Thanks for listening to this 00:30:38.440 --> 00:30:40.819 edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:30:40.900 --> 00:30:43.200 I'm Dave Drewy, and I hope you'll join us again 00:30:43.200 --> 00:30:43.740 next time.