Everyone struggles with anger. I mean, that's
a true statement. Now, we do it in different
ways. Some people blow up. Some people repress
it. Some people let it leak out. But it always
does incredible damage. What about you? How do
you deal with your anger? Want to find out? Stay
with me. Thank you for being with us for this
edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
Chip serves as our Bible teacher for this global
teaching and discipleship ministry, helping Christians
develop an authentic faith. Well, in just a minute,
we'll pick up where we left off last time in
our series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy.
Today, Chip will continue identifying the different
ways anger reveals itself in our lives and what
we can do to better control it. So, here now
is Chip with the remainder of his message, Rage,
Understanding the Monster Within, from James
chapter 1. I'm gonna suggest that anger wears
many masks and that there's three primary masks
that we put on. And I wanna walk through what
these masks are. And I'm gonna be pretty, I think
the educational word is pedantic. I mean, I'm
literally gonna go through some lists where you
see some things and nod. And then I'm gonna ask
a few diagnostic questions where we're gonna
say, okay. How do I tend to express my anger?
And when we get done, I'm just going to guess
that everyone will go, oh, so if that's the issue,
then I guess I do have a little issue with angry
feelings. In fact, what I want you to think about
is what you do with your anger. Everyone has
it. There's slow people in front of you, right?
There's people that frustrate you. There are
block goals. There's people that say things about
you. You get wounded. You have expectations.
You're human. Note, we express our anger in such
a wide variety of ways that many people assume
anger is not an issue in their life. For those
that make sure the fill -ins get filled in right
or they get angry, the first word is express.
And the second word is anger. We all express
it in such a wide variety of ways, we often think
we don't have an anger problem. Dr. Becca listed
some common ways that people express their anger.
And so let me just give you a salad bar. And
they shut down. They assert power and authority.
They become pushy and aggressive. They yell,
scream, shout, and slam. They belittle, demand,
and slander. They intimidate others. They become
depressed. They isolate themselves. They alienate
others. They suppress their feelings. They repress,
regress, become fearful. They hit, grab, push,
beat, slap, throw. Should I go on? They spew
out, threaten others, become hostile, feel shame,
manipulate others, experience self -hatred, cover
up their feelings. pretend they're not really
angry and hope it goes away. They rationalize
and blame, you made me angry. They make excuses.
They become discouraged, despondent, depressed.
They gossip, they slander, they become selfish,
self -centered. They minimize how anger really,
it doesn't really impact me that much. They deny
their feelings. They feel self -pity. They become
critical, cynical, sarcastic. They give people
a silent treatment. They often cry for long periods
of time. They point their finger and use one
of their fingers as they drive. They frown. They
shake their fists, they groan, they give ultimatums,
they shrug their shoulders, and they sneer. Those
are 50 quick ways that people tend to express
their anger on occasion. And let's talk about
the many masks. Proverbs 17 .9 says, the heart
is deceitful above all else and beyond cure.
Who can understand it? It goes on to say that
the Lord searches the heart, examines the mind
to reward each man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve. And what
I want to do right now is I'm going to walk you
through a little journey, all right? There may
be more, but you can take anger into three major
masks or categories. I'm going to suggest that
there are spewers, there are stuffers, and there
are leakers. Should we go over that again? There
are spewers with their anger. There are stuffers.
And then there are leakers. And I want to go
over first spewers. And there's a very clear
inventory. You can see on your notes. So we'll
go through this pretty rapidly. And then I have
some questions. And maybe you shouldn't count
on your fingers, but I'll have some questions
that you can mentally go, yeah, for me, yeah,
yeah, yeah. And here's the goal. None of these
make you bad. Okay? Don't get, I'm a spewer,
I'm a leaker, I wish I wasn't a leaker, I wish
I could be a stuffer, then I could be depressed,
but people wouldn't know. You know, this is not
about one of the masks. These are human responses.
Now, some of them have different damage. So let's
follow along. Here's a summary of all the research
about people who spew their anger. There's two
types of spewers. Exploding time bombs, they're
out of control, and calculated time bombs. There's
some people, they spew it, they know when they're
going to do it, why they're going to do it, and
how they're going to do it. The message they
have is that anger is necessary. Their reaction
is, you bet I'm mad. Do what I say or else. This
is a power issue. The reasons for spewers expressing
their anger, it gives them a false sense of power
or control, it helps them release pent -up negative
emotions, and they feel unable to constrain or
control their anger. They have poor impulse control.
The guy on the radio talk show yesterday, I mean,
he just said, I do it and I don't want to do
it and I work really hard and then it... It just
comes out, and he goes, I'm destroying my family.
He said, I read the Bible. I'm a leader in my
church. My wife and my kids, I mean, this is,
what do I do? This is how they blow up, yell,
scream, shout, push, shove, hit, kick, intimidate,
aggression, become overly opinionated, overly
blunt, forceful, tactless, or demanding and repetitive.
My dad was a spewer. And when he was really mad,
man, you just got out of the way. But like when
he got really mad and he was dealing with you
with something, hey, why didn't you clean out
the garage? Why didn't you clean out the garage?
Why didn't you clean out the garage? Son, come
over right here. Do you see that? Yeah, that's
not clean. Yeah, the garage isn't clean. I'm
thinking, he thinks I have a hearing problem.
When people get real mad, they... Spewers, they
tend to repeat, repeat. The results, listen to
the results. This is what happens to spewers.
This is why we're going to study this. They wound
themselves and others. There's a loss of control
or power. There's a false sense of power. There's
great feelings of guilt. Spewers often feel...
amazing remorse. They're so sorry, and it's genuine.
They have strained then and unhealthy relationships,
possible retaliation or revenge. When you spew
on people, there's times where you got to be
careful. Guess what? They're going to come back
at you. There's possible damage, even violent
behavior, and often spewers have tremendous regrets.
What a spewer needs, this is what they need.
They need to develop a longer fuse. They need
to learn to control their anger. Unconsciously,
spewers give themselves permission. They say
things like, I can't help it. I'm Irish. I have
red hair. It's just the way I am. They did, and
they will use phrases like, you made me angry.
No one ever makes you angry. Your emotions are
yours that you control, and you choose to respond
and not respond. I mean, this has happened in
our home, unfortunately. But let's just make
it your home so I don't feel quite so guilty.
So I'll make this example in your house. And
let's just say you and one of your children or
grandchildren or let's say you and your husband
and wife are having a rather heated discussion.
I mean, a good Christian heated discussion. You're
not yelling, I mean, like really loud. Nothing
is being thrown, no expletives. But I mean, you're
hot. And then the phone rings. Hello? No, actually,
we're busy right now. Yeah, I think I could bring
a casserole. Yeah, Bob's, you know, Bob's, yeah,
he's occupied right now. Okay. Now, right? We
have the power to control our anger. Question,
are you a spewer? Now, I want to read. This is
out of an excellent workbook, actually. It's
by Les Carter and Frank Minereth. And I want
you to lean back, and I'm going to list seven
to ten questions. And as I say them, again, this
is, you know, my lands, we've so been brainwashed
that any kind of anger is wrong. I just want
you to get a grip on who you are and how you
tend. You learn this, okay? You learn this from
other people. It's where you're at. So I'm going
to read these questions, and every time you think
that question, and just your first response,
if you're going, well, I'm not sure I really
do that. If you start down that, just yeah or
no, yeah or no. But I'm going to list them, and
as I list them, I want you to ask yourself just
a quick yes or no and keep count. Okay, number
one, I can be blunt and forceful when someone
does something to frustrate me. Yes or no? As
I speak my convictions, my voice becomes increasingly
louder. Three, when someone confronts me about
a problem, I'm likely to offer a ready rebuttal.
Four, no one has to guess my opinion. I'm known
for having unwavering viewpoints. Five, when
something goes wrong, I focus so sharply on fixing
the problem, I often overlook people's feelings.
Six, I have a history of getting caught in bickering
matches with family members. Check with your
mate on that one. Seven, during verbal disagreements
with someone, I tend to repeat myself several
times to make the point. Eight, I find it hard
to keep my thoughts to myself when I know something
is wrong. Nine, I have a reputation of being
strong -willed. And 10, I tend to give advice
even when others have not asked for it. Okay,
now just in your mind, if you mentally have five,
welcome. to the spew club. We'll have t -shirts
later. I'm a spewer, but God's working in my
life, okay? Stuffers, there's two types. Those
who repress, they deny and avoid, and those who
suppress, they pretend and stuff. The message
they believe is that anger is bad. Their reaction
to, are you angry, is angry? Not me. Why are
they afraid of anger? They think it's bad or
even sinful to be angry. They fear God's wrath.
They fear a loss of control and making a fool
of themselves if they got angry. They fear rejection
by others. If I get angry, those people will
reject me. They don't like to feel guilty, and
when they get angry, they feel guilty. They experience
anger sometime in their past was scary, so all
anger is something to be avoided. They fear retaliation,
punishment, or the consequences and the outcomes
of them expressing their anger. Most of you learned
that. As a kid. My wife is a classic stuffer.
Anger was not allowed in her home. Varying opinions
were not allowed in her home. She had a very
sweet mother and a father who traveled, who was
an alcoholic. He didn't know what he didn't know.
and he ruled with an ironed fist and lots of
rules, and you didn't buck him, and you never
talked back. Talking back was like opening your
mouth. But so she had a belief system, all anger
is wrong. The reason I learned so much about
anger was I had a dad who was a spewer. She had
a dad where anger is wrong. We love one another.
We're in seminary. And Frank Minner's friend,
Paul Meyer, the Minner -Meyer Clinic, was teaching
us how to do pastoral counseling. And here I'm
learning how to do pastoral counseling. And I'm
learning how we're supposed to help these other
people. And he gets into some of these kind of
things. And I realize my wife goes silent. She
withdraws. She cries quietly and doesn't talk
to me for two days. And it pretends everything's
okay. This is not a healthy response to anger.
I don't feel close to her when she does that.
And she doesn't feel close to me because I'm
a verbalizer, and since we don't have it resolved,
and I have Ephesians 4 .26 memorized, she's in
bed up to one, and I'm walking around the bed.
We have to deal with this tonight. Be angry,
but do not sin. Would you please wake up? Hey,
get up here. Hey, we're going to talk about it
right now, right now, right, you know? And she
would shut down, and then we would pretend for
two days. Nothing really happened. We'd bury
the anger. Move on. You do understand that anger
puts a roadblock in intimacy. Emotional intimacy,
intellectual intimacy, and physical intimacy.
And so I realized that we didn't know how to
deal with anger and we didn't know how to communicate.
And so I was making $1 ,000 a month and supporting
my family as I went to seminary. And at about
$90 a pop for 12 weeks. We went to Paul Meyer's
brother for counseling in marriage, and he gave
us tools to learn how to communicate and how
to express our anger. And I'm not even going
to charge you. I'm going to give you some of
those tools. And it is an amazing thing to be
able to communicate. I feel hurt. I feel angry.
Win you and be able to get things on the table
and not attack the other person and not be threatened.
Some of you will come away and realize that was
worth the entire time together. Stuffers, how
do they stuff it? By ignoring it, denying it,
shielding or defecting it, minimizing it, pretending
they're not really angry, by avoiding it, by
burying it. By the way, when you bury it, Paul
Meyer says 95 % of all depression is anger turned
inward. Think of that. People that are very,
very, very depressed. Now, there's clinical reasons
and physiological reasons, but a lot of depression
is people don't even know they're angry. They
push it down. And physiologically, we'll see
in a minute, it can cause ulcers, headaches,
all kind of difficult things in your body. But
emotionally, it causes depression. You're listening
to Living on the Edge. We'll return you to Chip's
message in just a minute. But let me quickly
share with you, God has called us to do incredible
ministry work all around the world. And when
you regularly give to Living on the Edge, you're
a part of what we do. So consider becoming a
monthly partner today and visit livingontheedge
.org. We appreciate your generous support. Well,
with that, here's Chip. Results, they become
doormats. They're taken advantage of. They redirect
their anger at themselves. I remember one of
the biggest things I've done in my wife after
those years is I would say, honey, I think you're
angry. And she'd look at me like, no, I'm not.
No, I'm not. Honey, honey, you got to be angry.
That lady just talked to you like that. Well,
she's probably having a bad day. No matter what
happened, my wife, I would joke, an ambulance
would go by and Teresa would try and, I wonder
what I did wrong. I mean, I'm joking. I'm exaggerating.
But I mean, she... It was so wrong to be angry
about anything, she always figured out how to
blame herself. Now, I wish you could see the
beautiful woman that I'm married to now. But
wow, we had to discover how she dealt with anger
before she got the truth that set her free. The
results are they develop physical ailments that
I talked about. They occasionally erupt. By the
way, it's kind of weird. These kind of people,
they never share it, never share it. And then
finally, they develop resentment. What stuffers
need is to accept that anger is okay and normal,
to acknowledge their fears and seek to minimize
their hold on others, learn to communicate anger
effectively, become more assertive with their
needs, that it's okay to have real needs and
real wants, and to become clear about what they
will and will not do. So are you a stuffer? Could
you be a stuffer? I have another 10 questions,
and you can just put them on your fingers. Question
number one, I'm very image conscious. I don't
like to let others know my problems. Yes or no?
Even when I feel frustrated, I portray myself
publicly as having it all together. Three, I'm
rather reserved about sharing my problems or
my frustrations. Four, if a family member or
friend upsets me, I can let days pass without
even mentioning it. Five, I have a tendency to
be depressed and moody. Just a tendency, doesn't
mean you all the time. Six, resentful thinking
is common for me, although many people would
never suspect it. Seven, I've suffered with physical
complaints, for example, headaches, stomach ailments,
and sleep irregularity. Eight, there are times
when I wonder if my opinions or preferences are
really valid. Nine, sometimes I feel paralyzed
when confronted by an unwanted situation. And
10, I feel guilty a lot about little things,
especially if someone is upset with me. Those
of you that said click, click, click, click,
click, five or more, you're probably a stuffer.
Now, some of you are feeling real bad because
you're thinking, you know, I had like four or
five on the last one. I got five on this one.
I mean, yes, you can wear more than one mask.
You probably have a primary one. but you can
wear more than one. So are you a stuffer? Yes,
no, or maybe. Finally, let's look at our leakers.
The technical word for this is passive aggressive.
And a leaker is a person who is angry, but what
they do is they have, as you'll look, they have
all the same fears as stuffers. They have the
same belief system as stuffers, but they just...
just stuffing it all the time. It's like, I just
can't go there. And so, but they're not gonna
do it directly. So what they do is I'm angry
about this situation, this person, this hurt,
this injustice, this pain, this wound. I'm not
gonna deal with it over here. I take that anger.
I put it under my arm like a football. And now
I go over to here to a safe playing field. And
then I take the anger and I leak it to get back
at the person to punish them for what they did.
Sarcasm. Negativity, procrastination, frigidity.
Critical remarks. Knowing they like you to be
prompt, you're late. Knowing they'll love you
to follow through, I forgot. I'm so sorry. Okay?
That's what leakers do. I'm an expert on this
one. Types are indirect and direct leakers. Here's
their message. It's not that anger, it's showing
anger is bad. You can be angry, but just don't
let anyone see it. The reaction, angry, not me.
Well, maybe just a little. Why are they afraid
of anger? They think it's bad or even sinful
to be angry. They fear God's wrath. They fear
loss of control. Losing it might make them look
foolish. They fear rejection. Others won't like
them if they get angry. They don't like to feel
guilty. Their experience with anger was scary,
so all anger is something to be afraid of or
avoid it. That's what I had. They fear retaliation,
punishment, or consequences or outcomes. Now,
did you notice that most all of those were the
exact same reasons as people that stuff their
anger? But then how do they leak it? By not following
through on commitments or promises, by not letting
their yes be yes or their no be no. These people,
you know, when you're really a leaker, I'll do
this, I wish I could, I can't. We are flaky at
times, and it makes people crazy. By making excuses,
by procrastinating, by knowingly going at a pace
different than others, or knowing, have you ever
had people really get up on your bumper? You
know, beep, beep, you know, you know, there's
like 15 million cars ahead of you, and this guy's,
you know, switching and almost killing people
so he can make it like 30 more feet, right? And
so he's like, you look in your rearview mirror,
and all you see is his grill. Now, some of you
in your younger days, or if you know karate,
want to pull off and say, right now, dude, right
now, let's take it down. Let's take it down.
Others of you want to express yourself to them,
and still others go, if you think you're close
to my bumper now going 65, oh my, I'm only going
58 now. And there's a big semi on the right.
And you know something? I'm getting kind of tired.
I think I'm going to pull it down to 43, you
know? And then no eye contact. You just look
ahead, right? You're one angry person. You wonder
where I got that illustration. I have no idea.
The results. They develop a false or unhealthy
sense of power. I mean, even all your laughter,
it was like, you know why you were laughing?
It was a power deal, right? We got that guy.
We got that guy. That smart aleck in front of
me, back of me. They aggravate those around them
and they strain weakened relationships. They
become critical and negative. They become isolated.
You might write the word, leakers are very, very
sarcastic. They're often late. They withdraw.
They often are frigid sexually to pay back their
mate. They forget, and they avoid issues. What
a leaker needs is to accept that anger is okay
and normal, to acknowledge fears and seek to
minimize the influence of those fears on their
life. They need to learn to communicate their
anger effectively. They need to become more assertive.
A lot of times they don't really say. We don't
say what we really mean. We think people can
read our minds, but then they don't come through
for us because they're not reading our minds.
And so we get angry at them because they don't
read our minds, even though we didn't tell them.
And then we do stuff to punish them. And then,
you know, it doesn't work. And they need to be
clear about what they will do and won't do. Okay,
are you ready for the big 10 questions? Here's
the questions. Add them up. Yes or no, real quick.
When I'm frustrated, I become silent. knowing
it bothers other people. Two, I'm prone to sulk
and pout. I'm going to go out to the garage and
work on my tools. Three, when I don't want to
do a project, I will procrastinate. I can be
lazy. Four, when someone asks me if I'm frustrated,
I will lie and say, no, everything's fine. Five,
there are times when I am deliberately evasive
so others won't bother me. Six, I sometimes approach
work projects half -heartedly. Seven, when someone
talks to me about my problems, I stare straight
ahead, being deliberately obstinate. Eight, I'm
often sarcastic and hide my real hurts behind
jokes. Nine, I withdraw affection and become
frigid when hurt. Ten, I forget to do things
for people when they've wounded me. Got them?
Are you a leaker? Yes, no, or maybe? Ask yourself,
and I encourage you to get a pen before you share
it with others if you can, what makes you angry?
Just the top three. What are two or three things
that really make you angry? Second, when and
where is it okay to feel angry? I mean, if you
could just identify, some of you think it's so
wrong. When would it be okay? Some of you so
lit up when I talked about Jesus was angry, Moses
was angry, David was angry, Chip was angry at
the laundromat. Some of you, your faces just
said, wow, maybe I could get a little mad and
be okay. Where do you think it'd be okay to get
mad? And then, in what ways do you tend to misuse
anger? Why do you hang on to it? And then which
anger mask do you wear most often? Spewer, stuffer,
or leaker? Then the final question, and this
will be the journey just up to now, if you had
to turn to someone and say, the one insight that
I received so far about anger and emotions that
I think will be helpful to me, I think it's,
what would you write down? Okay? We're going
to go on a journey together and get some practical
help for those angry feelings that destroy relationships.
God gave you this divine gift, a neutral emotion
called anger that can be for good or for evil.
Let's figure out how we deal with our anger and
then how we can, by God's grace, begin to channel
it in ways for His glory and our good. You're
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram,
and the message you just heard, Rage, Understanding
the Monster Within, is from our series, Overcoming
Emotions That Destroy. Chip will join us in studio
to share some insights from today's talk in just
a minute. Anger has always been seen as a wrong,
unhealthy feeling. But what if I told you that
this emotion is a signal of a deeper problem
we need to be aware of? And if channeled correctly,
anger could actually be used for good. Well,
in this 10 -part series, Chip uncovers the root
of anger in our lives and explains how we can
turn our most intense frustrations into a valuable
asset. So if you're desperate to better understand
this emotion and have control over it, you're
not going to want to miss a single program. Well,
Chip's here in studio with me now to share a
quick word with all of you. Chip? Thanks, Dave.
I want to share an important request with you.
If Living on the Edge is ministering to you,
would you consider returning the favor? If you've
been listening but haven't yet become a financial
partner with Living on the Edge, would you prayerfully
consider sending a gift today? And if you've
given but could do it monthly, I can't tell you.
It would make a huge difference. If we all pitched
in, it would just make an incredible difference
in terms of what we can do here to reach and
care for more people. So thanks so much for all
that you do. And thanks for just praying and
doing whatever God shows you to do. And we will
receive it with great gratitude. Thanks, Chip.
It takes a team to do what God's called us to
do. So we invite you to join us as we encourage
Christians everywhere to live like Christians.
Send in your gift or learn how to become a monthly
partner by going to livingontheedge .org or by
calling 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333 -6003
or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners
tap donate. We'll hear again as Chip to share
a few final words. As we close today's program,
you heard me teach that anger wears many masks
or many facades. We often think we don't have
an anger problem because, you know, we're not
a spewer. We don't blow up. But there's three
masks that we often wear. these anger masks.
One is the leaker. This is the passive -aggressive
person that I talked about. This is when we know
how to push people's buttons and we don't want
to confront it head -on, and so we let it leak
out. And so let me ask you, is that you? Do you
find yourself being sarcastic and letting your
resentment and things come out in these very
subtle ways so that if people call you on it,
you say, oh, no, no, I was just kidding? Or do
you stuff? Is that your anger mask? Do you stuff
it? You just don't say anything. Somewhere along
the line, you learn that anger is wrong and you
should never be mad and it's a sin to be angry.
And you find yourself getting depressed or you
have stomach issues or migraine issues. And it's
a powerful thing when our emotions are pushed
down. Or maybe you are that spewer that it just
builds up inside and you are loud and then you're
so sorry and so remorseful and you keep asking
people to forgive you for how you blew up and
people were intimidated by you. All I want you
to do today is to identify what's your major
response. I'd like you to ponder that. And then
right now, I'd like you to bring it before the
Lord and say, Lord Jesus, right now, will you
help me learn to deal with my anger? Would you
show me why I get angry and what's going on inside
so you could change me from the inside out? That's
what you need to pray. And here's what I'll tell
you. God will show you. That's absolutely right,
Chip. Good word. Thanks for listening to this
edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
I'm Dave Drewy, and I hope you'll join us again
next time.