WEBVTT 00:00:01.229 --> 00:00:04.450 As your child moves into adulthood, and whether 00:00:04.450 --> 00:00:06.769 that's going off to college or starting a career 00:00:06.769 --> 00:00:09.710 or getting married, I don't know if there's a 00:00:09.710 --> 00:00:12.910 more difficult or challenging time to be a parent 00:00:12.910 --> 00:00:16.589 than when you have adult kids. I thought my parenting 00:00:16.589 --> 00:00:21.070 was over. Ha, ha, ha. When I meet with other 00:00:21.070 --> 00:00:23.949 parents of adult children, we still have a lot 00:00:23.949 --> 00:00:26.589 to learn. That's today you don't want to miss. 00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:32.740 Thank you for being with us for this edition 00:00:32.740 --> 00:00:35.960 of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip 00:00:35.960 --> 00:00:38.380 serves as our Bible teacher for this global teaching 00:00:38.380 --> 00:00:40.859 and discipleship ministry, helping Christians 00:00:40.859 --> 00:00:44.119 develop an authentic faith. Well, in just a minute, 00:00:44.140 --> 00:00:47.000 we'll wrap up our newest series, Uninvited Guests. 00:00:47.159 --> 00:00:49.399 And we've covered a lot of ground over the past 00:00:49.399 --> 00:00:52.500 many, many broadcasts as Chip shared some essential 00:00:52.500 --> 00:00:55.619 biblical wisdom for parents, husbands, and wives. 00:00:56.240 --> 00:00:58.539 Our goal for this entire teaching has been to 00:00:58.539 --> 00:01:01.240 strengthen families amidst this hostile culture. 00:01:01.539 --> 00:01:03.899 So if you want to catch up on any messages that 00:01:03.899 --> 00:01:06.120 you missed or revisit one that you really liked, 00:01:06.239 --> 00:01:10.920 go to livingontheedge .org or wherever you listen 00:01:10.920 --> 00:01:13.560 to podcasts. Well, in this program, we'll hear 00:01:13.560 --> 00:01:15.819 the second half of Chip's conversation with his 00:01:15.819 --> 00:01:18.859 friend Jim Burns, author of the book, Doing Life 00:01:18.859 --> 00:01:21.969 With Your Adult Children. Last time, they discussed 00:01:21.969 --> 00:01:24.689 the first three principles from Jim's book that 00:01:24.689 --> 00:01:26.549 parents need to adopt in their relationships 00:01:26.549 --> 00:01:29.450 with their grown kids. Today, they'll walk through 00:01:29.450 --> 00:01:32.189 the last three. So grab your Bible and notes 00:01:32.189 --> 00:01:36.569 as Chip begins with principle number four. When 00:01:36.569 --> 00:01:40.730 your grown children violate your values, you 00:01:40.730 --> 00:01:43.829 can't want it more than they want it. And so 00:01:43.829 --> 00:01:46.840 we're talking about they're cohabitating. Maybe 00:01:46.840 --> 00:01:49.760 they have a porn or alcohol or drug addiction, 00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:53.319 or they've chosen an alternative lifestyle, or 00:01:53.319 --> 00:01:55.859 they've just said, you know what, you, your faith, 00:01:56.060 --> 00:01:59.799 Jesus, forget it. You call this the cringe factors. 00:02:00.120 --> 00:02:01.879 You know, it's easy to say you can't want it 00:02:01.879 --> 00:02:03.560 more than they wanted, but of course we want 00:02:03.560 --> 00:02:06.299 it to go a different way. And so many parents 00:02:06.299 --> 00:02:09.120 who really raised their kids in the church and 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:11.020 their kids were, you know, in the youth group 00:02:11.020 --> 00:02:13.659 and whatnot, and they strayed and they have continued 00:02:13.659 --> 00:02:16.569 to stray. Yet. I think there are some principles 00:02:16.569 --> 00:02:18.469 that we can learn from this that can help us 00:02:18.469 --> 00:02:21.389 navigate it. And it's not a simple thing, because 00:02:21.389 --> 00:02:25.389 how do you show love and grace and hold to a 00:02:25.389 --> 00:02:27.129 biblical worldview that is different than where 00:02:27.129 --> 00:02:29.569 they're going? Plus, you're also dealing with 00:02:29.569 --> 00:02:32.039 your own grief. When one of our kids bumped, 00:02:32.099 --> 00:02:34.520 and not in a world's worst way, but Kathy and 00:02:34.520 --> 00:02:36.020 I said, oh, we should have had him more at youth 00:02:36.020 --> 00:02:38.419 group, or if we would have prayed together more 00:02:38.419 --> 00:02:40.759 as a family, or we put it all on us. And one 00:02:40.759 --> 00:02:43.379 of the things I say in this case is that really 00:02:43.379 --> 00:02:45.180 good parents sometimes have kids who make poor 00:02:45.180 --> 00:02:46.919 choices. Yes. And I think that's really important 00:02:46.919 --> 00:02:50.080 for us to hear as we deal with this. But when 00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:53.120 someone does this, you've got to give them tough 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:56.259 love. Now, tough love, Chip, is not... meanness. 00:02:56.400 --> 00:02:58.039 I think some people think, oh, we have to be 00:02:58.039 --> 00:02:59.960 mean, and we start emptying all of our frustration 00:02:59.960 --> 00:03:02.620 and anger at our kids. Tough love is allowing 00:03:02.620 --> 00:03:05.539 the consequences to take place. Let me tell you 00:03:05.539 --> 00:03:07.659 an illustration. Friends of ours, their daughter 00:03:07.659 --> 00:03:10.460 raised in the church, great people. She went 00:03:10.460 --> 00:03:12.219 away to the University of Virginia, and she moved 00:03:12.219 --> 00:03:14.400 in with her boyfriend. Parents were paying for 00:03:14.400 --> 00:03:16.520 college and they went out and said, look, here's 00:03:16.520 --> 00:03:18.099 the deal. If you want to live with your boyfriend, 00:03:18.319 --> 00:03:20.919 you're acting like an adult. So that means we're 00:03:20.919 --> 00:03:22.900 not going to keep paying for this. And she said, 00:03:23.020 --> 00:03:24.840 but you call yourselves Christians and I can't 00:03:24.840 --> 00:03:27.099 believe that you would do this. And we love each 00:03:27.099 --> 00:03:29.319 other and it's a new world and understand the 00:03:29.319 --> 00:03:32.000 culture and all the things. And they held their 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:34.960 ground. Basically, this woman had no money now. 00:03:35.099 --> 00:03:37.360 And so she figured out how to kind of navigate 00:03:37.360 --> 00:03:39.219 through school for a little bit. She eventually 00:03:39.219 --> 00:03:42.360 called back and said, we've broken up. I want 00:03:42.360 --> 00:03:43.860 to come home and have a conversation with you. 00:03:43.860 --> 00:03:47.139 And I loved that. So they showed love, but they 00:03:47.139 --> 00:03:49.180 also had, well, there's consequences to that. 00:03:49.259 --> 00:03:50.879 So because you moved in, we're not going to keep 00:03:50.879 --> 00:03:52.599 paying for school. That's part of the deal. I 00:03:52.599 --> 00:03:54.159 heard you say something, though, that I think 00:03:54.159 --> 00:03:57.240 is really important for people to hear is, you 00:03:57.240 --> 00:03:59.379 know, this wasn't like spiritual ping pong. No. 00:03:59.400 --> 00:04:02.439 You moved in, okay, no more money. This was, 00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:05.979 we care about you. You're an adult. You can make 00:04:05.979 --> 00:04:08.020 your own decisions. Right. Whether it's about 00:04:08.020 --> 00:04:11.330 your sexuality or education or others. At our 00:04:11.330 --> 00:04:13.409 house, we always talked about these two things 00:04:13.409 --> 00:04:16.410 go together, decisions and responsibility. So 00:04:16.410 --> 00:04:18.829 if you get 100 % authority to make all the decisions, 00:04:19.110 --> 00:04:20.889 you get all the responsibility that goes with 00:04:20.889 --> 00:04:22.589 it. That's a great point. One of the things we 00:04:22.589 --> 00:04:25.129 talk about is that you can't bail them out if 00:04:25.129 --> 00:04:26.769 they make this decision. This is what's tough, 00:04:26.870 --> 00:04:29.149 especially when addictions and straying from 00:04:29.149 --> 00:04:31.769 faith and cohabitation, all these things, and 00:04:31.769 --> 00:04:34.689 there are consequences to that. But the non -bailing 00:04:34.689 --> 00:04:38.329 out says, I love you so much that I'm not going 00:04:38.329 --> 00:04:42.759 to enable you to make poor choices well i will 00:04:42.759 --> 00:04:46.899 say having been a pastor for over 35 years what 00:04:46.899 --> 00:04:50.100 you're describing is what people intellectually 00:04:50.100 --> 00:04:52.980 may agree with but the average christian parent 00:04:52.980 --> 00:04:56.860 is saying i just can't do that where do you get 00:04:56.860 --> 00:05:01.959 the kind of courage because my observation and 00:05:01.959 --> 00:05:05.639 the many emails and letters we get are train 00:05:05.639 --> 00:05:08.000 wreck after train wreck after train wreck of 00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:10.850 people bailing their kids out And they don't 00:05:10.850 --> 00:05:13.149 learn and there's not the consequences. What 00:05:13.149 --> 00:05:15.129 do you say to that parent who says, okay, I paid 00:05:15.129 --> 00:05:19.370 for one rehab. Nothing's changed. We can't get 00:05:19.370 --> 00:05:21.550 on the same page, even as parents, which is a 00:05:21.550 --> 00:05:24.709 big one about what does tough love really look 00:05:24.709 --> 00:05:26.569 like? Well, it's hard. And I think sometimes 00:05:26.569 --> 00:05:29.750 maybe you do pay for it more times. But the mistake 00:05:29.750 --> 00:05:32.550 we make is we continue to go in that direction. 00:05:32.610 --> 00:05:35.370 I just don't think that works. When they blow 00:05:35.370 --> 00:05:38.420 it, I think you say. here's what we can do and 00:05:38.420 --> 00:05:39.839 here's what we can't do. But I don't think it 00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:41.620 happens in the heat of the moment. I think you 00:05:41.620 --> 00:05:45.000 try to do it beforehand. If you choose to live 00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:47.240 in that lifestyle, then we're not going to pay 00:05:47.240 --> 00:05:49.720 for this. We still love you and we still are 00:05:49.720 --> 00:05:51.500 going to have a relationship with you, but here's 00:05:51.500 --> 00:05:53.019 what some of those consequences are going to 00:05:53.019 --> 00:05:55.139 be. And we're not going to bail you out. There's 00:05:55.139 --> 00:05:57.699 such a tension of truth and grace. And I think 00:05:57.699 --> 00:06:01.120 being able to say, I don't agree with you. You 00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:03.839 can make that decision. You're an adult. If you 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:05.839 want to live with your girlfriend, the research, 00:06:06.379 --> 00:06:09.560 Is that 10 years later, only one out of 10 people, 00:06:09.639 --> 00:06:12.680 even if you marry, will ever be together. I'm 00:06:12.680 --> 00:06:16.379 for you. I love you. But these are the consequences 00:06:16.379 --> 00:06:19.699 of that decision. Yes. A woman asked me last 00:06:19.699 --> 00:06:22.040 week, what would I do? And it was a situation 00:06:22.040 --> 00:06:24.939 where he had definitely strayed from faith. And 00:06:24.939 --> 00:06:27.899 I said, does she know what you believe? Yes. 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:30.899 Does she know how you feel about where she's 00:06:30.899 --> 00:06:32.899 going and the direction she's going? Yes. Well, 00:06:32.939 --> 00:06:34.850 then. Have a relationship with her. If she likes 00:06:34.850 --> 00:06:37.589 to shop, shop. Don't be a one -topic parent in 00:06:37.589 --> 00:06:40.050 this place. I think even in Bible -believing 00:06:40.050 --> 00:06:43.209 circles, we're seeing a tremendous movement away 00:06:43.209 --> 00:06:47.290 from some core Orthodox morality. Well, you just 00:06:47.290 --> 00:06:50.350 have to love and accept people. And I think love 00:06:50.350 --> 00:06:53.329 is giving another person what they need the most 00:06:53.329 --> 00:06:56.910 when they deserve it the least at great personal 00:06:56.910 --> 00:07:00.930 cost. When I think of the cross, what I needed 00:07:00.930 --> 00:07:03.360 the most forgiveness. When I deserve it the least, 00:07:03.439 --> 00:07:06.839 I was rebelling. I was an enemy of God at great 00:07:06.839 --> 00:07:09.600 personal cost. And I think sometimes the cost 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:12.399 is us as parents, there's a distance in the relationship. 00:07:12.740 --> 00:07:15.279 I've got a close friend whose daughter entered 00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:18.220 the gay and lesbian lifestyle, and you don't 00:07:18.220 --> 00:07:19.839 love me, and why aren't you doing this? Why are 00:07:19.839 --> 00:07:22.379 you doing that? And he said as kindly as he could, 00:07:22.540 --> 00:07:26.079 who moved? I love you. And he took initiative. 00:07:26.139 --> 00:07:28.939 He cared and did all that he could. But unless 00:07:28.939 --> 00:07:30.920 he would agree with her lifestyle for a season, 00:07:31.000 --> 00:07:34.819 she cut him out. And sometimes tough love, it's 00:07:34.819 --> 00:07:37.439 harder on us than it is on the person. And we 00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:40.240 really need support and counsel and wisdom. And 00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:43.079 then, I mean, this sounds simplistic, and yet 00:07:43.079 --> 00:07:46.000 it's so important. I think we have to relinquish 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:48.060 our children to God. Yes. You know, and I pray 00:07:48.060 --> 00:07:51.560 this prayer. I release. and relinquish my children 00:07:51.560 --> 00:07:54.000 to your loving care and your tender mercies because 00:07:54.000 --> 00:07:57.019 you love them more than I do. And I still don't 00:07:57.019 --> 00:07:58.899 understand that because I love my kids so much. 00:07:59.060 --> 00:08:02.180 I don't know where you're at, but I can only 00:08:02.180 --> 00:08:05.000 imagine that you or someone you love knows someone 00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:09.500 that has a grown adult child whose lifestyle, 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:12.720 whose faith, or one of these cringe issues is 00:08:12.720 --> 00:08:15.600 a part of their life. Let me encourage you, don't 00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:18.139 give up on them. You keep as many doors open 00:08:18.139 --> 00:08:22.500 and you are that prodigal father waiting, and 00:08:22.500 --> 00:08:25.480 yet you keep the consequences. And I think that's 00:08:25.480 --> 00:08:29.120 where parents often cave in and actually end 00:08:29.120 --> 00:08:32.799 up enabling the very thing because they don't 00:08:32.799 --> 00:08:35.700 like the feeling of being called unloving or 00:08:35.700 --> 00:08:38.159 the distance with their child. Let me encourage 00:08:38.159 --> 00:08:40.960 you. Don't be all love and no truth. Don't be 00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:43.919 all truth and no love. Build a relationship where 00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:47.019 possible. I mean, that's the principle. And I'll 00:08:47.019 --> 00:08:50.440 just tell you all, the word navigate is chosen 00:08:50.440 --> 00:08:53.740 very, very carefully because sometimes the waters 00:08:53.740 --> 00:08:57.399 are smooth and sometimes they're rocky and sometimes 00:08:57.399 --> 00:08:59.960 you're in the middle of a storm. And Jim, we 00:08:59.960 --> 00:09:03.039 really want to talk about, I think, what people 00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:06.659 feel the most. And I love this principle. They 00:09:06.659 --> 00:09:10.519 will never know how far the town is if you carry 00:09:10.519 --> 00:09:13.309 them on your back. we talked about launching 00:09:13.309 --> 00:09:15.850 them and we get to know their culture and values. 00:09:16.389 --> 00:09:19.009 And now it's like, are you really helping them 00:09:19.009 --> 00:09:22.409 or are you enabling them? And you share a great 00:09:22.409 --> 00:09:24.750 story that I think really pictures this. Share 00:09:24.750 --> 00:09:26.629 that with us. And it's actually the failure to 00:09:26.629 --> 00:09:28.750 launch story in some ways, because I think if 00:09:28.750 --> 00:09:30.629 we are enabling them, we're not going to help 00:09:30.629 --> 00:09:33.250 them launch. So Sean walked in to my office and 00:09:33.250 --> 00:09:34.690 I have a couch. It's not that big of a couch, 00:09:34.730 --> 00:09:37.590 but Sean is on one side and his mom and dad are 00:09:37.590 --> 00:09:39.889 on the other. And they said, we have a problem 00:09:39.889 --> 00:09:43.370 with Sean. And the problem is that he graduated 00:09:43.370 --> 00:09:45.929 from school, UCLA, great school. He did well 00:09:45.929 --> 00:09:48.789 with school, but he's come back home. He's getting 00:09:48.789 --> 00:09:51.450 up late about one o 'clock, plays video games. 00:09:51.870 --> 00:09:56.049 He's a vegan. So my wife fixes him a vegan meal 00:09:56.049 --> 00:09:58.990 and then we eat our meal at dinner, but he doesn't 00:09:58.990 --> 00:10:00.870 really eat with us. And then he kind of parties 00:10:00.870 --> 00:10:03.389 out most of the night and comes back and sleeps 00:10:03.389 --> 00:10:05.409 till one. And now when Sean came in, he had a 00:10:05.409 --> 00:10:07.600 smirk on his face. He looked. kind of happy. 00:10:07.679 --> 00:10:09.759 The mom and the dad were mad. They were mad at 00:10:09.759 --> 00:10:11.799 Sean. The mom and dad were mad at each other. 00:10:11.899 --> 00:10:14.139 The wife was just struggling like crazy as a 00:10:14.139 --> 00:10:16.240 mom. Her heart was broken. So they kept going 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:19.220 on and on. And finally they said, Sean has a 00:10:19.220 --> 00:10:22.240 problem. And I said, actually, I don't think 00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:23.740 Sean has a problem. I think you guys have the 00:10:23.740 --> 00:10:25.639 problem. Sean has a pretty good life. You're 00:10:25.639 --> 00:10:27.019 taking care of him. You're even cooking him a 00:10:27.019 --> 00:10:29.659 different meal. And the point was, is that they 00:10:29.659 --> 00:10:32.019 were actually enabling Sean. He still had the 00:10:32.019 --> 00:10:34.490 family credit card. They were still paying for 00:10:34.490 --> 00:10:36.090 his gas. They were paying for all of this stuff. 00:10:36.230 --> 00:10:37.850 And Sean was saying, you know, I'm going to get 00:10:37.850 --> 00:10:40.629 around to finally getting a job and whatnot, 00:10:40.649 --> 00:10:42.529 but he didn't even have a job. We have to look 00:10:42.529 --> 00:10:44.429 at it. If we're carrying them on our back, we've 00:10:44.429 --> 00:10:47.710 got to firmly take them off of our back and place 00:10:47.710 --> 00:10:50.350 them where they can make some of those decisions. 00:10:50.490 --> 00:10:53.330 We use a phrase in the recovery movement for 00:10:53.330 --> 00:10:55.370 people who are alcoholics and addicts. It's you 00:10:55.370 --> 00:10:57.820 earned it. You know, there's pain in life. It's 00:10:57.820 --> 00:10:59.700 either the pain of discipline or the pain of 00:10:59.700 --> 00:11:02.620 regret. We have to teach our kids that. And what 00:11:02.620 --> 00:11:04.620 I like to say, and somebody once said this to 00:11:04.620 --> 00:11:06.799 me, a man named Dr. Bill Hall, when the pain 00:11:06.799 --> 00:11:09.299 of remaining the same is greater than the pain 00:11:09.299 --> 00:11:12.580 of changing, that's when they'll change. And 00:11:12.580 --> 00:11:16.580 that's good for me. That's good for my own relationship 00:11:16.580 --> 00:11:18.379 with God. It's good for my relationship with 00:11:18.379 --> 00:11:20.700 my wife, but it's also good for my adult children 00:11:20.700 --> 00:11:23.960 that it is okay for them to have pain. And in 00:11:23.960 --> 00:11:26.100 fact, We have to look at sometimes their pain 00:11:26.100 --> 00:11:28.299 as something that's good. You know, in many ways, 00:11:28.379 --> 00:11:30.639 it's the biblical principle that says you reap 00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.220 what you sow. Right. We have to allow some of 00:11:33.220 --> 00:11:36.120 that negative to happen so that you're not enabling 00:11:36.120 --> 00:11:38.259 them, but you're helping them to become the responsible 00:11:38.259 --> 00:11:41.259 adult who does not have a failure to launch. 00:11:42.830 --> 00:11:45.549 You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip 00:11:45.549 --> 00:11:48.070 Ingram, and he'll be right back to finish today's 00:11:48.070 --> 00:11:50.789 message. But first, if this new series from Chip 00:11:50.789 --> 00:11:53.669 has inspired you, consider joining the Living 00:11:53.669 --> 00:11:56.669 on the Edge team. In fact, let me encourage you 00:11:56.669 --> 00:11:59.129 to stick around after the teaching to hear about 00:11:59.129 --> 00:12:02.049 a special gift we have for those who become monthly 00:12:02.049 --> 00:12:04.450 partners. You're not going to want to miss out. 00:12:04.809 --> 00:12:08.559 But until then, here again is Chip. And it really 00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:11.799 ties back into you can't want it more than they 00:12:11.799 --> 00:12:15.100 want it. I think of Hebrews 12, 11, all discipline 00:12:15.100 --> 00:12:18.960 for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful. 00:12:19.139 --> 00:12:22.320 Yet those who have been, here's a key word, trained 00:12:22.320 --> 00:12:25.279 by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit 00:12:25.279 --> 00:12:27.860 of righteousness. And training is not talking 00:12:27.860 --> 00:12:30.000 to your kids and saying, you really need to get 00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:32.200 out there and get a job. You need to get up earlier. 00:12:32.360 --> 00:12:34.779 You need to do this. You need to do that. And 00:12:34.779 --> 00:12:36.360 it is different. We have a different relationship 00:12:36.360 --> 00:12:38.299 with our adult children if they live outside 00:12:38.299 --> 00:12:40.460 of the house or if they live inside of the house. 00:12:40.679 --> 00:12:42.259 Even if they're going to college, they're young 00:12:42.259 --> 00:12:44.419 adults. Then I think it's pretty key that we 00:12:44.419 --> 00:12:47.039 put some expectations and boundaries. And I think 00:12:47.039 --> 00:12:49.019 as parents, we talk about everything else. We 00:12:49.019 --> 00:12:50.539 talk about their education. We talk about this. 00:12:50.659 --> 00:12:52.480 Why don't we put some expectations and boundaries? 00:12:52.600 --> 00:12:54.600 And I think they have to be pretty simple. But 00:12:54.600 --> 00:12:58.500 if we do have those. expectations and boundaries, 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:00.860 they at least have a roadmap. Be productive, 00:13:01.080 --> 00:13:03.559 honor our moral code when you're in the house. 00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:05.620 Now, again, you can't follow your kids all around. 00:13:05.779 --> 00:13:07.919 We'd like to sometimes, but you can't. But in 00:13:07.919 --> 00:13:09.759 our house, this is how you're going to do it. 00:13:09.799 --> 00:13:11.919 I know somebody who they wanted their girlfriend 00:13:11.919 --> 00:13:14.600 to come and sleep in the same bedroom with them 00:13:14.600 --> 00:13:16.940 at their house. And the parents said, no, this 00:13:16.940 --> 00:13:18.840 is our home and you're going to honor our moral 00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:20.799 code, even though you're not honoring our moral 00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:24.940 code outside. Way to go parents on that. I think 00:13:24.940 --> 00:13:26.860 also they have to be financially responsible. 00:13:27.460 --> 00:13:30.320 If they don't, it's time for them to move on. 00:13:30.620 --> 00:13:33.059 See, you give them even more than the passport 00:13:33.059 --> 00:13:35.100 to adulthood. You give them the passport to financial 00:13:35.100 --> 00:13:37.299 responsibility. But if they don't have boundaries 00:13:37.299 --> 00:13:39.759 and expectations, the mistake we make is that 00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:42.179 we make it mushy or we don't talk about it. Could 00:13:42.179 --> 00:13:46.279 we have you as our expert address some couples 00:13:46.279 --> 00:13:49.799 who are... One is saying, oh, you know, he'll 00:13:49.799 --> 00:13:52.840 end up homeless. We have to keep paying for this 00:13:52.840 --> 00:13:55.779 or doing that. And another going, how long are 00:13:55.779 --> 00:13:57.659 we going to live in this? And it's ruining our 00:13:57.659 --> 00:14:00.059 home. What do you say to that couple? Well, for 00:14:00.059 --> 00:14:01.440 one thing, I would say to the couple that they're 00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:03.740 not alone. When we talk about the issues ahead 00:14:03.740 --> 00:14:06.220 of time, it's easier for us to follow through. 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:08.820 It's hard. I mean, I remember when our kids were 00:14:08.820 --> 00:14:11.940 little. And they would grind on us and we're 00:14:11.940 --> 00:14:14.200 tired and we're stressed. We go, okay, yeah, 00:14:14.259 --> 00:14:16.080 20 cookies. We don't care. We're just tired. 00:14:16.259 --> 00:14:18.919 If you'll just be quiet about it. That was not 00:14:18.919 --> 00:14:20.379 a good decision, obviously, because then the 00:14:20.379 --> 00:14:22.039 sugar high would kick in. But it's the same with 00:14:22.039 --> 00:14:24.840 adult children. We have to get on the same page. 00:14:24.919 --> 00:14:26.179 You don't get on the same page in the heat of 00:14:26.179 --> 00:14:28.779 the moment. You get on the same page before when 00:14:28.779 --> 00:14:30.759 you set up some of those boundaries and expectations. 00:14:31.379 --> 00:14:34.100 But I think... people support what they help 00:14:34.100 --> 00:14:37.700 create. So not only is it that you and your spouse 00:14:37.700 --> 00:14:39.740 are creating it, but you're also bringing your 00:14:39.740 --> 00:14:41.879 adult child into it and saying, let's create 00:14:41.879 --> 00:14:43.940 a plan that's going to work. And at the same 00:14:43.940 --> 00:14:45.539 time, if we have to create an exit plan, we're 00:14:45.539 --> 00:14:47.779 going to create an exit plan that'll work. When 00:14:47.779 --> 00:14:50.980 you do that, that gets you closer together, but 00:14:50.980 --> 00:14:52.200 you're still going to have to live with the fact 00:14:52.200 --> 00:14:54.519 that sometimes, at least the way we parented, 00:14:54.519 --> 00:14:55.980 Kathy and I, we're going to have to agree to 00:14:55.980 --> 00:14:58.019 disagree because she was going to go in this 00:14:58.019 --> 00:14:59.500 direction and I was going to go in this direction. 00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:02.549 We realized that our differences When we embraced 00:15:02.549 --> 00:15:05.470 them, we made a pretty good team. Therese and 00:15:05.470 --> 00:15:07.389 I, I'm so glad they didn't just have me as a 00:15:07.389 --> 00:15:09.450 parent. And I'm so glad they didn't just have 00:15:09.450 --> 00:15:12.210 her. We had a lot of arguments and a lot of come 00:15:12.210 --> 00:15:14.450 to Jesus meetings with one another. But this 00:15:14.450 --> 00:15:17.330 is super helpful. As you listen to Jim and I 00:15:17.330 --> 00:15:20.330 with the normal issues we've had, here's what 00:15:20.330 --> 00:15:23.639 I'd recommend. Come up with a plan. First, identify 00:15:23.639 --> 00:15:26.320 what is the problem in your home? What are the 00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:29.700 real issues that are surfacing? Second is get 00:15:29.700 --> 00:15:32.639 on the same page, not just as a couple or especially 00:15:32.639 --> 00:15:34.419 as a single parent, you might need some outside 00:15:34.419 --> 00:15:38.139 help, but get your adult child and sit down together, 00:15:38.340 --> 00:15:41.740 not during an argument, but at a time when you 00:15:41.740 --> 00:15:44.960 can really say, we need to resolve this. And 00:15:44.960 --> 00:15:47.740 the final thing I would say is, Jim, some people 00:15:47.740 --> 00:15:50.590 need some help on the outside. And the only way 00:15:50.590 --> 00:15:52.809 you do that is you go to the pastor of your church 00:15:52.809 --> 00:15:55.769 or an older couple that you trust, because if 00:15:55.769 --> 00:15:58.710 you had figured it out and it was running smoothly, 00:15:58.950 --> 00:16:01.450 then you wouldn't need the help. I mean, some 00:16:01.450 --> 00:16:04.009 of these things are heavy and difficult. This 00:16:04.009 --> 00:16:06.529 is one of those where we need to get some outside 00:16:06.529 --> 00:16:09.909 help to help us first and then help us deal with 00:16:09.909 --> 00:16:12.049 this issue with one of our adult children. And 00:16:12.049 --> 00:16:14.309 just before we jump into this final principle, 00:16:14.509 --> 00:16:17.639 we've covered a lot. And it's rooted in a book 00:16:17.639 --> 00:16:20.259 that Jim wrote, Doing Life with Your Adult Children. 00:16:20.419 --> 00:16:23.259 And I love the subtitle, Keep Your Mouth Shut 00:16:23.259 --> 00:16:26.580 and the Welcome Mat Out. So Jim, thanks for writing 00:16:26.580 --> 00:16:29.500 this. And we're here because I read this book 00:16:29.500 --> 00:16:32.360 and I applied it. And then I realized how many 00:16:32.360 --> 00:16:35.580 letters and emails we get around this topic. 00:16:35.740 --> 00:16:37.679 And we're going to talk about something now that 00:16:37.679 --> 00:16:40.860 I think is one of the very biggest ones. It might 00:16:40.860 --> 00:16:43.940 be one that we do the worst, but it's actually 00:16:43.940 --> 00:16:47.299 one of the easiest. to fix if you have the courage 00:16:47.299 --> 00:16:50.440 to do it. And so this is the principle, financial 00:16:50.440 --> 00:16:53.360 independence and responsibility is the goal. 00:16:53.539 --> 00:16:56.899 How do you help your adult children become financially 00:16:56.899 --> 00:16:59.399 independent? Well, we're not talking about wealth 00:16:59.399 --> 00:17:02.259 or deep capacity or whatever, but we are talking 00:17:02.259 --> 00:17:05.119 about for them to be responsible adults are going 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:07.059 to have to be financially independent. And I 00:17:07.059 --> 00:17:09.640 think we have to keep in mind the high cost of 00:17:09.640 --> 00:17:12.400 money to a relationship. So I think it's important 00:17:12.400 --> 00:17:14.839 that we keep it simple. But I don't think we 00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:16.660 make it complicated. I think sometimes we do 00:17:16.660 --> 00:17:18.400 make it complicated. And let me say from the 00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:22.700 beginning, 75 % of parents do put some money 00:17:22.700 --> 00:17:24.900 into their adult children's lives. I mean, one 00:17:24.900 --> 00:17:27.160 time or another. But again, with the thought 00:17:27.160 --> 00:17:28.839 in mind that they're going to become responsible 00:17:28.839 --> 00:17:30.980 adults, I think it's important for us to help 00:17:30.980 --> 00:17:33.740 them have a clear plan and actually an exit strategy. 00:17:33.759 --> 00:17:35.200 Meaning, okay, right now we're paying for some 00:17:35.200 --> 00:17:37.980 of this, but what's the exit strategy? Now, obviously 00:17:37.980 --> 00:17:40.980 that happens when the kids are in those. emerging 00:17:40.980 --> 00:17:43.440 adult years, those younger years, maybe there's 00:17:43.440 --> 00:17:46.240 still some money there, but at all costs, we've 00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:48.700 got to help them have that exit strategy. You 00:17:48.700 --> 00:17:50.799 know what? They want that too, Chip. They really 00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:54.119 do. But it's part of developing the plan. You 00:17:54.119 --> 00:17:56.119 know, this sounds so unspontaneous, but that's 00:17:56.119 --> 00:17:57.759 what good parenting is. Parenting is training. 00:17:58.369 --> 00:18:00.049 Parenting is discipline. You know, when Paul 00:18:00.049 --> 00:18:01.990 said to Timothy, discipline yourself for the 00:18:01.990 --> 00:18:04.430 purpose of godliness, he used an athletic term, 00:18:04.569 --> 00:18:06.769 meaning you're going to have to discipline yourself. 00:18:06.849 --> 00:18:08.569 And he was talking about godliness. But part 00:18:08.569 --> 00:18:10.349 of our godliness is how we handle our money. 00:18:10.430 --> 00:18:13.309 And what I like to say is when you say, I love 00:18:13.309 --> 00:18:16.470 you, you may still be saying no to giving them 00:18:16.470 --> 00:18:19.079 more money. Flesh that out for me. That's a good 00:18:19.079 --> 00:18:20.880 one. Well, sometimes people think, well, because 00:18:20.880 --> 00:18:22.799 I love my kids so much, I want to help them get 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:25.039 that great car. I want to help them get this 00:18:25.039 --> 00:18:27.460 new house or whatever it might be. And we think 00:18:27.460 --> 00:18:29.980 that's love. But sometimes love is saying, no, 00:18:30.079 --> 00:18:32.160 I can't do that for you, even if you could. You 00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:34.059 know, I know of a couple who they helped their 00:18:34.059 --> 00:18:36.519 children get into a house. I don't have a problem 00:18:36.519 --> 00:18:39.000 with that. But what they did was their kids wanted 00:18:39.000 --> 00:18:41.180 this amazing house. So they actually helped them 00:18:41.180 --> 00:18:43.500 get into a house that was. more expensive than 00:18:43.500 --> 00:18:45.579 their house. And they took it out of retirement 00:18:45.579 --> 00:18:48.700 funds because their plan had been to retire at 00:18:48.700 --> 00:18:51.200 a certain stage and they needed those funds. 00:18:51.339 --> 00:18:52.920 Well, come to find out, even the kids couldn't 00:18:52.920 --> 00:18:55.960 afford this dream home. So now the parents have 00:18:55.960 --> 00:18:57.799 not only put money out of the retirement fund 00:18:57.799 --> 00:18:59.559 to do it, but they're also now paying a little 00:18:59.559 --> 00:19:01.839 bit monthly to help them. And finally, the thing 00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:03.859 blew up. What they should have said at the beginning 00:19:03.859 --> 00:19:06.539 was no, or said, you know what? We got into a 00:19:06.539 --> 00:19:08.839 starter home. It wasn't as snazzy as the home 00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:11.839 you want. We'll help you with this much. I was 00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:13.440 involved in three weddings and what we had to 00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:15.220 do was say to our kids, hey, I know that the 00:19:15.220 --> 00:19:18.559 average wedding in America is this much and we 00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:20.420 don't have that. So here's what we're going to 00:19:20.420 --> 00:19:23.480 give you and go for it. In fact, if you want 00:19:23.480 --> 00:19:25.359 to go on a cheaper one, we'll still give you 00:19:25.359 --> 00:19:27.579 that much money. So I think part of what a parent 00:19:27.579 --> 00:19:29.759 can do for their adult children, and I think 00:19:29.759 --> 00:19:31.460 it starts even sometimes younger, is actually 00:19:31.460 --> 00:19:33.859 teach them to be good stewards of money. Things 00:19:33.859 --> 00:19:36.059 like have a budget. A lot of parents have never 00:19:36.059 --> 00:19:37.599 taught their kids how to have a budget and then 00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:42.009 they just expect them to be okay. create a budget. 00:19:42.089 --> 00:19:43.430 Now, some parents don't have a budget either, 00:19:43.490 --> 00:19:46.690 but help them have a budget. Help them understand 00:19:46.690 --> 00:19:50.269 that debt can be slavery. In fact, the Bible's 00:19:50.269 --> 00:19:52.289 pretty clear about debt. So again, we've got 00:19:52.289 --> 00:19:54.329 to teach them good stewardship. I think it starts 00:19:54.329 --> 00:19:57.430 really early, the passage that my children heard. 00:19:57.809 --> 00:20:00.769 Luke 16 .10 says, he who is faithful in a very 00:20:00.769 --> 00:20:03.329 little thing will be faithful also in much. And 00:20:03.329 --> 00:20:05.769 the context of that is money. And so you have 00:20:05.769 --> 00:20:08.950 to have this plan where I mean, even, okay, you're 00:20:08.950 --> 00:20:11.609 19. You need to pay for your phone. You pay for 00:20:11.609 --> 00:20:13.670 this and I'll pay for the insurance on your car. 00:20:14.049 --> 00:20:16.910 So we're graduating it. If you think that they 00:20:16.910 --> 00:20:20.450 turn 23 and are out of college and they have 00:20:20.450 --> 00:20:23.069 the skills, probably not a good plan. No. And 00:20:23.069 --> 00:20:24.690 the question you have to ask yourself, am I providing 00:20:24.690 --> 00:20:28.289 money to help them launch or am I actually providing 00:20:28.289 --> 00:20:30.930 money that's going to prolong? dependence on 00:20:30.930 --> 00:20:33.630 us. And so we're setting them up for failure. 00:20:33.750 --> 00:20:36.049 If they have been bankrupt or if they have huge 00:20:36.049 --> 00:20:38.769 college debt or whatever, now they get married. 00:20:39.009 --> 00:20:43.190 Well, you know, 31 % of marriages say that the 00:20:43.190 --> 00:20:45.549 number one reason they got... divorced was because 00:20:45.549 --> 00:20:48.289 of money problems. So do we teach them delayed 00:20:48.289 --> 00:20:51.549 gratification? Do we teach them to give and to 00:20:51.549 --> 00:20:55.009 save? The people I know who give and save, those 00:20:55.009 --> 00:20:57.390 are young couples who really have done well. 00:20:57.470 --> 00:21:00.109 And one young couple said to one of these mentors, 00:21:00.430 --> 00:21:03.190 well, how do we become good financial stewards? 00:21:03.349 --> 00:21:06.029 And he said, two words, good decisions. Well, 00:21:06.109 --> 00:21:09.430 how do you make good decisions? One word, experience. 00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:12.640 How do you go through experience? Two words, 00:21:12.759 --> 00:21:15.940 bad decisions. And so again, let your kids learn 00:21:15.940 --> 00:21:18.880 on their own. Cheer them on, but don't enable 00:21:18.880 --> 00:21:21.019 them. Way too many parents enable their kids 00:21:21.019 --> 00:21:23.740 and it gets complicated and they get angry and 00:21:23.740 --> 00:21:25.880 then the kids don't pay back. Now you've got 00:21:25.880 --> 00:21:28.359 a relationship problem as opposed to just a financial 00:21:28.359 --> 00:21:32.619 problem. I remember when my son was probably 00:21:32.619 --> 00:21:37.049 19 years old, maybe 20. So excited. Dad, do you 00:21:37.049 --> 00:21:39.269 see that car? Yeah, it's great. Well, I don't 00:21:39.269 --> 00:21:41.089 have quite enough credit. Will you co -sign? 00:21:41.950 --> 00:21:45.410 I said, no. What do you mean? I said, no. Buy 00:21:45.410 --> 00:21:47.509 a car you can afford. Well, how much do you have 00:21:47.509 --> 00:21:49.369 saved? Well, I don't have anything saved. Then 00:21:49.369 --> 00:21:51.650 I guess you're not ready to buy a car. And, you 00:21:51.650 --> 00:21:54.529 know, he had a pretty old car that he didn't 00:21:54.529 --> 00:21:57.549 like that he could afford. And I mean, he looked 00:21:57.549 --> 00:22:00.940 at me like. you're the devil incarnate. I thought 00:22:00.940 --> 00:22:02.900 you loved me. I thought you were my dad, you 00:22:02.900 --> 00:22:06.259 know? And I look back on that as feeling a little 00:22:06.259 --> 00:22:10.279 bit bad for a moment and then realizing how important 00:22:10.279 --> 00:22:13.839 that is. And we had three jars when my kids were 00:22:13.839 --> 00:22:17.579 small, giving, saving, spending. And we started 00:22:17.579 --> 00:22:20.579 with 10 pennies, 10 dimes all the way through. 00:22:21.289 --> 00:22:23.190 having a bank account, learning to write your 00:22:23.190 --> 00:22:25.450 checks before you graduated. Now, no one writes 00:22:25.450 --> 00:22:27.829 checks anymore. But I would just say this is 00:22:27.829 --> 00:22:30.069 one where, again, you might need some outside 00:22:30.069 --> 00:22:33.269 help because the fact is most of the parents 00:22:33.269 --> 00:22:35.569 aren't on a budget. Most of the parents have 00:22:35.569 --> 00:22:38.069 a lot of debt. And this is one where you, I think, 00:22:38.089 --> 00:22:40.569 have to look at yourself and say, we need to 00:22:40.569 --> 00:22:44.710 get our house in order and resist this. I feel. 00:22:45.690 --> 00:22:47.910 like I'm a good parent because I'm buying or 00:22:47.910 --> 00:22:50.089 taking care of things, often going into debt 00:22:50.089 --> 00:22:52.950 to do it. I have a friend who actually was kind 00:22:52.950 --> 00:22:54.769 of in that realm. They weren't working on a budget 00:22:54.769 --> 00:22:56.470 and they were struggling themselves with their 00:22:56.470 --> 00:22:58.450 adult children. And they were giving their adult 00:22:58.450 --> 00:23:00.309 children money, not thinking about it. And they 00:23:00.309 --> 00:23:02.690 ended up going to a class at a church, Financial 00:23:02.690 --> 00:23:05.609 Peace University. And so then they worked together 00:23:05.609 --> 00:23:08.309 to get... They're axed together, both of them. 00:23:08.349 --> 00:23:10.509 And you know what? Both of them are now debt 00:23:10.509 --> 00:23:13.210 -free. And, you know, that improves the marriage. 00:23:13.329 --> 00:23:15.349 So they actually helped the marriage of their 00:23:15.349 --> 00:23:18.569 son and daughter -in -law because they took the 00:23:18.569 --> 00:23:21.130 courageous step for them to get healthy financially 00:23:21.130 --> 00:23:24.509 first. Well, I will just tell you that of all 00:23:24.509 --> 00:23:27.670 the things as a parent you can do is help your 00:23:27.670 --> 00:23:30.750 children get financially stable, independent, 00:23:31.109 --> 00:23:37.559 and trusting God. This is Living on the Edge 00:23:37.559 --> 00:23:39.920 with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to 00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:41.940 the remainder of Chip's insightful conversation 00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:45.579 with author and speaker Jim Burns. To learn more 00:23:45.579 --> 00:23:47.799 about Jim's book, Doing Life with Your Adult 00:23:47.799 --> 00:23:52.380 Children, visit livingontheedge .org or call 00:23:52.380 --> 00:23:57.819 888 -333 -6003. Well, our Bible teacher Chip 00:23:57.819 --> 00:23:59.880 Ingram is here in studio now to share something 00:23:59.880 --> 00:24:02.579 really important with all of you. Thanks, Dave. 00:24:03.000 --> 00:24:06.119 Have you ever tossed a rock in a pond? and watch 00:24:06.119 --> 00:24:08.960 the ripples travel across the water? Well, the 00:24:08.960 --> 00:24:11.759 same principle applies to committing to be a 00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:14.920 God -honoring family. When a couple loves God 00:24:14.920 --> 00:24:18.299 and are loyal to one another, you have the ability 00:24:18.299 --> 00:24:21.720 to create a godly home and raise godly kids and 00:24:21.720 --> 00:24:24.859 grandkids, and it ripples for generation after 00:24:24.859 --> 00:24:28.599 generation. Strengthening families is our passion, 00:24:28.700 --> 00:24:31.160 and I want you to know you are playing a vital 00:24:31.160 --> 00:24:33.420 role in making that happen at Living on the Edge. 00:24:33.759 --> 00:24:36.859 When you support us financially, you're investing 00:24:36.859 --> 00:24:41.200 in our work to establish a legacy of Christ -centered 00:24:41.200 --> 00:24:44.119 families. You know, we can blame lots of other 00:24:44.119 --> 00:24:46.559 people. We can talk about the media or education. 00:24:46.880 --> 00:24:50.140 I've got news for you. The research is crystal 00:24:50.140 --> 00:24:54.049 clear. It begins with the family. Your support 00:24:54.049 --> 00:24:57.470 financially at Living on the Edge will help us 00:24:57.470 --> 00:25:00.849 build families that raise kids and grandkids 00:25:00.849 --> 00:25:03.769 that walk with God. And right now during this 00:25:03.769 --> 00:25:06.710 series, those of you who choose to become monthly 00:25:06.710 --> 00:25:09.049 partners will receive the Marriage That Works 00:25:09.049 --> 00:25:12.190 truth cards as our way of saying thanks. Pray 00:25:12.190 --> 00:25:14.650 about partnering with us and then follow God's 00:25:14.650 --> 00:25:17.369 lead. Great challenge, Chip. And please know 00:25:17.369 --> 00:25:20.289 how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular 00:25:20.289 --> 00:25:23.309 support allows us to plan our next steps as a 00:25:23.309 --> 00:25:26.230 ministry and be ready to walk through doors that 00:25:26.230 --> 00:25:29.349 God opens for us. And as Chip said during this 00:25:29.349 --> 00:25:31.869 entire series, if you become a monthly financial 00:25:31.869 --> 00:25:34.589 partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you 00:25:34.589 --> 00:25:36.990 our newest resource, the Marriage That Works 00:25:36.990 --> 00:25:40.029 Truth Cards, as our thank you. Learn more by 00:25:40.029 --> 00:25:43.609 going to livingontheedge .org or by calling 888 00:25:43.609 --> 00:25:51.349 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888 -333 -6003 or visit 00:25:51.349 --> 00:25:55.910 livingontheedge .org. App listeners, tap donate. 00:25:56.490 --> 00:25:58.750 Well, from all of us here, I'm Dave Drewy, thanking 00:25:58.750 --> 00:26:01.210 you for listening to this edition of Living on 00:26:01.210 --> 00:26:03.750 the Edge, and I hope you'll join us again next 00:26:03.750 --> 00:26:04.029 time.