As your child moves into adulthood, and whether
that's going off to college or starting a career
or getting married, I don't know if there's a
more difficult or challenging time to be a parent
than when you have adult kids. I thought my parenting
was over. Ha, ha, ha. When I meet with other
parents of adult children, we still have a lot
to learn. That's today you don't want to miss.
Thank you for being with us for this edition
of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip
serves as our Bible teacher for this global teaching
and discipleship ministry, helping Christians
develop an authentic faith. Well, in just a minute,
we'll wrap up our newest series, Uninvited Guests.
And we've covered a lot of ground over the past
many, many broadcasts as Chip shared some essential
biblical wisdom for parents, husbands, and wives.
Our goal for this entire teaching has been to
strengthen families amidst this hostile culture.
So if you want to catch up on any messages that
you missed or revisit one that you really liked,
go to livingontheedge .org or wherever you listen
to podcasts. Well, in this program, we'll hear
the second half of Chip's conversation with his
friend Jim Burns, author of the book, Doing Life
With Your Adult Children. Last time, they discussed
the first three principles from Jim's book that
parents need to adopt in their relationships
with their grown kids. Today, they'll walk through
the last three. So grab your Bible and notes
as Chip begins with principle number four. When
your grown children violate your values, you
can't want it more than they want it. And so
we're talking about they're cohabitating. Maybe
they have a porn or alcohol or drug addiction,
or they've chosen an alternative lifestyle, or
they've just said, you know what, you, your faith,
Jesus, forget it. You call this the cringe factors.
You know, it's easy to say you can't want it
more than they wanted, but of course we want
it to go a different way. And so many parents
who really raised their kids in the church and
their kids were, you know, in the youth group
and whatnot, and they strayed and they have continued
to stray. Yet. I think there are some principles
that we can learn from this that can help us
navigate it. And it's not a simple thing, because
how do you show love and grace and hold to a
biblical worldview that is different than where
they're going? Plus, you're also dealing with
your own grief. When one of our kids bumped,
and not in a world's worst way, but Kathy and
I said, oh, we should have had him more at youth
group, or if we would have prayed together more
as a family, or we put it all on us. And one
of the things I say in this case is that really
good parents sometimes have kids who make poor
choices. Yes. And I think that's really important
for us to hear as we deal with this. But when
someone does this, you've got to give them tough
love. Now, tough love, Chip, is not... meanness.
I think some people think, oh, we have to be
mean, and we start emptying all of our frustration
and anger at our kids. Tough love is allowing
the consequences to take place. Let me tell you
an illustration. Friends of ours, their daughter
raised in the church, great people. She went
away to the University of Virginia, and she moved
in with her boyfriend. Parents were paying for
college and they went out and said, look, here's
the deal. If you want to live with your boyfriend,
you're acting like an adult. So that means we're
not going to keep paying for this. And she said,
but you call yourselves Christians and I can't
believe that you would do this. And we love each
other and it's a new world and understand the
culture and all the things. And they held their
ground. Basically, this woman had no money now.
And so she figured out how to kind of navigate
through school for a little bit. She eventually
called back and said, we've broken up. I want
to come home and have a conversation with you.
And I loved that. So they showed love, but they
also had, well, there's consequences to that.
So because you moved in, we're not going to keep
paying for school. That's part of the deal. I
heard you say something, though, that I think
is really important for people to hear is, you
know, this wasn't like spiritual ping pong. No.
You moved in, okay, no more money. This was,
we care about you. You're an adult. You can make
your own decisions. Right. Whether it's about
your sexuality or education or others. At our
house, we always talked about these two things
go together, decisions and responsibility. So
if you get 100 % authority to make all the decisions,
you get all the responsibility that goes with
it. That's a great point. One of the things we
talk about is that you can't bail them out if
they make this decision. This is what's tough,
especially when addictions and straying from
faith and cohabitation, all these things, and
there are consequences to that. But the non -bailing
out says, I love you so much that I'm not going
to enable you to make poor choices well i will
say having been a pastor for over 35 years what
you're describing is what people intellectually
may agree with but the average christian parent
is saying i just can't do that where do you get
the kind of courage because my observation and
the many emails and letters we get are train
wreck after train wreck after train wreck of
people bailing their kids out And they don't
learn and there's not the consequences. What
do you say to that parent who says, okay, I paid
for one rehab. Nothing's changed. We can't get
on the same page, even as parents, which is a
big one about what does tough love really look
like? Well, it's hard. And I think sometimes
maybe you do pay for it more times. But the mistake
we make is we continue to go in that direction.
I just don't think that works. When they blow
it, I think you say. here's what we can do and
here's what we can't do. But I don't think it
happens in the heat of the moment. I think you
try to do it beforehand. If you choose to live
in that lifestyle, then we're not going to pay
for this. We still love you and we still are
going to have a relationship with you, but here's
what some of those consequences are going to
be. And we're not going to bail you out. There's
such a tension of truth and grace. And I think
being able to say, I don't agree with you. You
can make that decision. You're an adult. If you
want to live with your girlfriend, the research,
Is that 10 years later, only one out of 10 people,
even if you marry, will ever be together. I'm
for you. I love you. But these are the consequences
of that decision. Yes. A woman asked me last
week, what would I do? And it was a situation
where he had definitely strayed from faith. And
I said, does she know what you believe? Yes.
Does she know how you feel about where she's
going and the direction she's going? Yes. Well,
then. Have a relationship with her. If she likes
to shop, shop. Don't be a one -topic parent in
this place. I think even in Bible -believing
circles, we're seeing a tremendous movement away
from some core Orthodox morality. Well, you just
have to love and accept people. And I think love
is giving another person what they need the most
when they deserve it the least at great personal
cost. When I think of the cross, what I needed
the most forgiveness. When I deserve it the least,
I was rebelling. I was an enemy of God at great
personal cost. And I think sometimes the cost
is us as parents, there's a distance in the relationship.
I've got a close friend whose daughter entered
the gay and lesbian lifestyle, and you don't
love me, and why aren't you doing this? Why are
you doing that? And he said as kindly as he could,
who moved? I love you. And he took initiative.
He cared and did all that he could. But unless
he would agree with her lifestyle for a season,
she cut him out. And sometimes tough love, it's
harder on us than it is on the person. And we
really need support and counsel and wisdom. And
then, I mean, this sounds simplistic, and yet
it's so important. I think we have to relinquish
our children to God. Yes. You know, and I pray
this prayer. I release. and relinquish my children
to your loving care and your tender mercies because
you love them more than I do. And I still don't
understand that because I love my kids so much.
I don't know where you're at, but I can only
imagine that you or someone you love knows someone
that has a grown adult child whose lifestyle,
whose faith, or one of these cringe issues is
a part of their life. Let me encourage you, don't
give up on them. You keep as many doors open
and you are that prodigal father waiting, and
yet you keep the consequences. And I think that's
where parents often cave in and actually end
up enabling the very thing because they don't
like the feeling of being called unloving or
the distance with their child. Let me encourage
you. Don't be all love and no truth. Don't be
all truth and no love. Build a relationship where
possible. I mean, that's the principle. And I'll
just tell you all, the word navigate is chosen
very, very carefully because sometimes the waters
are smooth and sometimes they're rocky and sometimes
you're in the middle of a storm. And Jim, we
really want to talk about, I think, what people
feel the most. And I love this principle. They
will never know how far the town is if you carry
them on your back. we talked about launching
them and we get to know their culture and values.
And now it's like, are you really helping them
or are you enabling them? And you share a great
story that I think really pictures this. Share
that with us. And it's actually the failure to
launch story in some ways, because I think if
we are enabling them, we're not going to help
them launch. So Sean walked in to my office and
I have a couch. It's not that big of a couch,
but Sean is on one side and his mom and dad are
on the other. And they said, we have a problem
with Sean. And the problem is that he graduated
from school, UCLA, great school. He did well
with school, but he's come back home. He's getting
up late about one o 'clock, plays video games.
He's a vegan. So my wife fixes him a vegan meal
and then we eat our meal at dinner, but he doesn't
really eat with us. And then he kind of parties
out most of the night and comes back and sleeps
till one. And now when Sean came in, he had a
smirk on his face. He looked. kind of happy.
The mom and the dad were mad. They were mad at
Sean. The mom and dad were mad at each other.
The wife was just struggling like crazy as a
mom. Her heart was broken. So they kept going
on and on. And finally they said, Sean has a
problem. And I said, actually, I don't think
Sean has a problem. I think you guys have the
problem. Sean has a pretty good life. You're
taking care of him. You're even cooking him a
different meal. And the point was, is that they
were actually enabling Sean. He still had the
family credit card. They were still paying for
his gas. They were paying for all of this stuff.
And Sean was saying, you know, I'm going to get
around to finally getting a job and whatnot,
but he didn't even have a job. We have to look
at it. If we're carrying them on our back, we've
got to firmly take them off of our back and place
them where they can make some of those decisions.
We use a phrase in the recovery movement for
people who are alcoholics and addicts. It's you
earned it. You know, there's pain in life. It's
either the pain of discipline or the pain of
regret. We have to teach our kids that. And what
I like to say, and somebody once said this to
me, a man named Dr. Bill Hall, when the pain
of remaining the same is greater than the pain
of changing, that's when they'll change. And
that's good for me. That's good for my own relationship
with God. It's good for my relationship with
my wife, but it's also good for my adult children
that it is okay for them to have pain. And in
fact, We have to look at sometimes their pain
as something that's good. You know, in many ways,
it's the biblical principle that says you reap
what you sow. Right. We have to allow some of
that negative to happen so that you're not enabling
them, but you're helping them to become the responsible
adult who does not have a failure to launch.
You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip
Ingram, and he'll be right back to finish today's
message. But first, if this new series from Chip
has inspired you, consider joining the Living
on the Edge team. In fact, let me encourage you
to stick around after the teaching to hear about
a special gift we have for those who become monthly
partners. You're not going to want to miss out.
But until then, here again is Chip. And it really
ties back into you can't want it more than they
want it. I think of Hebrews 12, 11, all discipline
for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful.
Yet those who have been, here's a key word, trained
by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit
of righteousness. And training is not talking
to your kids and saying, you really need to get
out there and get a job. You need to get up earlier.
You need to do this. You need to do that. And
it is different. We have a different relationship
with our adult children if they live outside
of the house or if they live inside of the house.
Even if they're going to college, they're young
adults. Then I think it's pretty key that we
put some expectations and boundaries. And I think
as parents, we talk about everything else. We
talk about their education. We talk about this.
Why don't we put some expectations and boundaries?
And I think they have to be pretty simple. But
if we do have those. expectations and boundaries,
they at least have a roadmap. Be productive,
honor our moral code when you're in the house.
Now, again, you can't follow your kids all around.
We'd like to sometimes, but you can't. But in
our house, this is how you're going to do it.
I know somebody who they wanted their girlfriend
to come and sleep in the same bedroom with them
at their house. And the parents said, no, this
is our home and you're going to honor our moral
code, even though you're not honoring our moral
code outside. Way to go parents on that. I think
also they have to be financially responsible.
If they don't, it's time for them to move on.
See, you give them even more than the passport
to adulthood. You give them the passport to financial
responsibility. But if they don't have boundaries
and expectations, the mistake we make is that
we make it mushy or we don't talk about it. Could
we have you as our expert address some couples
who are... One is saying, oh, you know, he'll
end up homeless. We have to keep paying for this
or doing that. And another going, how long are
we going to live in this? And it's ruining our
home. What do you say to that couple? Well, for
one thing, I would say to the couple that they're
not alone. When we talk about the issues ahead
of time, it's easier for us to follow through.
It's hard. I mean, I remember when our kids were
little. And they would grind on us and we're
tired and we're stressed. We go, okay, yeah,
20 cookies. We don't care. We're just tired.
If you'll just be quiet about it. That was not
a good decision, obviously, because then the
sugar high would kick in. But it's the same with
adult children. We have to get on the same page.
You don't get on the same page in the heat of
the moment. You get on the same page before when
you set up some of those boundaries and expectations.
But I think... people support what they help
create. So not only is it that you and your spouse
are creating it, but you're also bringing your
adult child into it and saying, let's create
a plan that's going to work. And at the same
time, if we have to create an exit plan, we're
going to create an exit plan that'll work. When
you do that, that gets you closer together, but
you're still going to have to live with the fact
that sometimes, at least the way we parented,
Kathy and I, we're going to have to agree to
disagree because she was going to go in this
direction and I was going to go in this direction.
We realized that our differences When we embraced
them, we made a pretty good team. Therese and
I, I'm so glad they didn't just have me as a
parent. And I'm so glad they didn't just have
her. We had a lot of arguments and a lot of come
to Jesus meetings with one another. But this
is super helpful. As you listen to Jim and I
with the normal issues we've had, here's what
I'd recommend. Come up with a plan. First, identify
what is the problem in your home? What are the
real issues that are surfacing? Second is get
on the same page, not just as a couple or especially
as a single parent, you might need some outside
help, but get your adult child and sit down together,
not during an argument, but at a time when you
can really say, we need to resolve this. And
the final thing I would say is, Jim, some people
need some help on the outside. And the only way
you do that is you go to the pastor of your church
or an older couple that you trust, because if
you had figured it out and it was running smoothly,
then you wouldn't need the help. I mean, some
of these things are heavy and difficult. This
is one of those where we need to get some outside
help to help us first and then help us deal with
this issue with one of our adult children. And
just before we jump into this final principle,
we've covered a lot. And it's rooted in a book
that Jim wrote, Doing Life with Your Adult Children.
And I love the subtitle, Keep Your Mouth Shut
and the Welcome Mat Out. So Jim, thanks for writing
this. And we're here because I read this book
and I applied it. And then I realized how many
letters and emails we get around this topic.
And we're going to talk about something now that
I think is one of the very biggest ones. It might
be one that we do the worst, but it's actually
one of the easiest. to fix if you have the courage
to do it. And so this is the principle, financial
independence and responsibility is the goal.
How do you help your adult children become financially
independent? Well, we're not talking about wealth
or deep capacity or whatever, but we are talking
about for them to be responsible adults are going
to have to be financially independent. And I
think we have to keep in mind the high cost of
money to a relationship. So I think it's important
that we keep it simple. But I don't think we
make it complicated. I think sometimes we do
make it complicated. And let me say from the
beginning, 75 % of parents do put some money
into their adult children's lives. I mean, one
time or another. But again, with the thought
in mind that they're going to become responsible
adults, I think it's important for us to help
them have a clear plan and actually an exit strategy.
Meaning, okay, right now we're paying for some
of this, but what's the exit strategy? Now, obviously
that happens when the kids are in those. emerging
adult years, those younger years, maybe there's
still some money there, but at all costs, we've
got to help them have that exit strategy. You
know what? They want that too, Chip. They really
do. But it's part of developing the plan. You
know, this sounds so unspontaneous, but that's
what good parenting is. Parenting is training.
Parenting is discipline. You know, when Paul
said to Timothy, discipline yourself for the
purpose of godliness, he used an athletic term,
meaning you're going to have to discipline yourself.
And he was talking about godliness. But part
of our godliness is how we handle our money.
And what I like to say is when you say, I love
you, you may still be saying no to giving them
more money. Flesh that out for me. That's a good
one. Well, sometimes people think, well, because
I love my kids so much, I want to help them get
that great car. I want to help them get this
new house or whatever it might be. And we think
that's love. But sometimes love is saying, no,
I can't do that for you, even if you could. You
know, I know of a couple who they helped their
children get into a house. I don't have a problem
with that. But what they did was their kids wanted
this amazing house. So they actually helped them
get into a house that was. more expensive than
their house. And they took it out of retirement
funds because their plan had been to retire at
a certain stage and they needed those funds.
Well, come to find out, even the kids couldn't
afford this dream home. So now the parents have
not only put money out of the retirement fund
to do it, but they're also now paying a little
bit monthly to help them. And finally, the thing
blew up. What they should have said at the beginning
was no, or said, you know what? We got into a
starter home. It wasn't as snazzy as the home
you want. We'll help you with this much. I was
involved in three weddings and what we had to
do was say to our kids, hey, I know that the
average wedding in America is this much and we
don't have that. So here's what we're going to
give you and go for it. In fact, if you want
to go on a cheaper one, we'll still give you
that much money. So I think part of what a parent
can do for their adult children, and I think
it starts even sometimes younger, is actually
teach them to be good stewards of money. Things
like have a budget. A lot of parents have never
taught their kids how to have a budget and then
they just expect them to be okay. create a budget.
Now, some parents don't have a budget either,
but help them have a budget. Help them understand
that debt can be slavery. In fact, the Bible's
pretty clear about debt. So again, we've got
to teach them good stewardship. I think it starts
really early, the passage that my children heard.
Luke 16 .10 says, he who is faithful in a very
little thing will be faithful also in much. And
the context of that is money. And so you have
to have this plan where I mean, even, okay, you're
19. You need to pay for your phone. You pay for
this and I'll pay for the insurance on your car.
So we're graduating it. If you think that they
turn 23 and are out of college and they have
the skills, probably not a good plan. No. And
the question you have to ask yourself, am I providing
money to help them launch or am I actually providing
money that's going to prolong? dependence on
us. And so we're setting them up for failure.
If they have been bankrupt or if they have huge
college debt or whatever, now they get married.
Well, you know, 31 % of marriages say that the
number one reason they got... divorced was because
of money problems. So do we teach them delayed
gratification? Do we teach them to give and to
save? The people I know who give and save, those
are young couples who really have done well.
And one young couple said to one of these mentors,
well, how do we become good financial stewards?
And he said, two words, good decisions. Well,
how do you make good decisions? One word, experience.
How do you go through experience? Two words,
bad decisions. And so again, let your kids learn
on their own. Cheer them on, but don't enable
them. Way too many parents enable their kids
and it gets complicated and they get angry and
then the kids don't pay back. Now you've got
a relationship problem as opposed to just a financial
problem. I remember when my son was probably
19 years old, maybe 20. So excited. Dad, do you
see that car? Yeah, it's great. Well, I don't
have quite enough credit. Will you co -sign?
I said, no. What do you mean? I said, no. Buy
a car you can afford. Well, how much do you have
saved? Well, I don't have anything saved. Then
I guess you're not ready to buy a car. And, you
know, he had a pretty old car that he didn't
like that he could afford. And I mean, he looked
at me like. you're the devil incarnate. I thought
you loved me. I thought you were my dad, you
know? And I look back on that as feeling a little
bit bad for a moment and then realizing how important
that is. And we had three jars when my kids were
small, giving, saving, spending. And we started
with 10 pennies, 10 dimes all the way through.
having a bank account, learning to write your
checks before you graduated. Now, no one writes
checks anymore. But I would just say this is
one where, again, you might need some outside
help because the fact is most of the parents
aren't on a budget. Most of the parents have
a lot of debt. And this is one where you, I think,
have to look at yourself and say, we need to
get our house in order and resist this. I feel.
like I'm a good parent because I'm buying or
taking care of things, often going into debt
to do it. I have a friend who actually was kind
of in that realm. They weren't working on a budget
and they were struggling themselves with their
adult children. And they were giving their adult
children money, not thinking about it. And they
ended up going to a class at a church, Financial
Peace University. And so then they worked together
to get... They're axed together, both of them.
And you know what? Both of them are now debt
-free. And, you know, that improves the marriage.
So they actually helped the marriage of their
son and daughter -in -law because they took the
courageous step for them to get healthy financially
first. Well, I will just tell you that of all
the things as a parent you can do is help your
children get financially stable, independent,
and trusting God. This is Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to
the remainder of Chip's insightful conversation
with author and speaker Jim Burns. To learn more
about Jim's book, Doing Life with Your Adult
Children, visit livingontheedge .org or call
888 -333 -6003. Well, our Bible teacher Chip
Ingram is here in studio now to share something
really important with all of you. Thanks, Dave.
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