Every now and then, I'll pick up a book and say,
why didn't I get this 10 years earlier? And the
book was by Jim Burns, and it was How to Parent
Your Adult Children. And so I asked Jim, would
you come and share about parenting adult kids?
And thank God he said yes, and that's today.
Welcome to this edition of Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram. Our mission is to inspire Christians
to be genuine followers of Jesus and to empower
them to be active disciple makers in our world.
Thanks for joining us as we begin to wind down
our insightful series, Uninvited Guests, recognizing
and resisting the attacks on your family. And
as Chip teased today, he'll sit down with his
friend Jim Burns, author of the book, Doing Life
with Your Adult Children. For these last two
programs, they'll walk through six vital principles
that parents must embrace as their kids become
adults. So if you're ready, here's Chip and Jim
Burns to dive right into this meaningful discussion.
We've gotten so many letters and emails about
this topic, and I thought, we've got to help
people, but I've got enough issues with my adult
children, I wanted to come to an expert. So,
Jim, you've got a number of principles that we've
taken what we felt like were the top six that
we hear from our audience. And I would just like
you to go over those and let's just have a conversation
to help the people that are, I think, having
at best. challenges and at worst some real hard
times. The more we think about it as our kids
get to be adults, they're running parallel journeys.
We don't know what we're doing as a parent of
an adult child because we've never done that
before. And they don't know what they're doing
because they've never been an adult before. So
the first principle is your role as a parent
has to change. In fact, I tell parents, you're
fired. Not as a parent, but you're fired as a
day -to -day parent because you've invested two
decades of your life pretty much in control and
focusing on those kids. And now, they're leaving.
And so what you've got to do is actually help
them leave by giving them the passport to adulthood.
And I don't think that's easy for them sometimes.
And I know it's not easy for us, especially if
they're not making those great decisions. I know
for me, I was an old coach, pastor. I have a
lot of suggestions. I've got a lot of, hey, this
is how you can do it. That did not go over real
well. And I realized that, talk about that role,
that passport. I had to become a consultant.
And that's a very, very different role. How do
you launch them? What are specific things you
can do to help? Well, really, I think there is
a job description. And I agree with you. It's
not easy. I'm the guy who said, so why do they
need to go to Europe to find themselves? I have
all the answers right here. But if I'm going
to do it right, I've got to help them launch
by actually rewriting the script and rewriting
the way I do it. And I've been a parent. a child.
And even when teens, it was a parent -child relationship.
But I think we have to move it to an adult -to
-adult relationship. And I find for a lot of
parents, they have trouble there because their
kids aren't exactly acting like adults, especially
in those, what we call the emerging adult years.
But when we do that, that means that in launching
them, we have to help them become more independent.
And really, they're moving from dependence on
you toward independence. My kids would say, well,
I'm an adult. And I'd be saying, well, I'm paying
for your cell phone. I'm actually paying for
your college. I think there's an insurance bill
that we're popping for. And so it was hard. I
think it's important for us to, as we give them
that passport, I think we have to be encouraging,
but not intrusive. And we want to be intrusive
because a lot of times we have that right answer.
I was thinking about somebody who lives up in
your area. She's a vice president of a major,
major company up there in the Silicon Valley.
She's 45 years old, has done very well for herself.
And her mother said, it's cold outside, honey,
put on a coat. And it bothered her. So she said,
well, mom, I think I'm pretty capable of deciding
if I'm going to put on the coat. And the mom
said, well, I'm your mother. You put on that
coat. She's 45 years old. And I said, well, what'd
you do? She goes, well, I put on the coat, of
course. But again, as a parent, we have to let
them experience some of the highs and the lows.
I learned. how to ride a bike because I skinned
my knee. And this is a time period that's really
hard for us because if not, there'll be a failure
to launch if we just kind of keep doing it for
them. We see that a lot, don't we? Yeah. You
know, the joke of the 30 -year -old in the back
bedroom who's eating mom's food, mom's doing
the clothes, all those, and never grow up. And,
you know, Psalm 127, I love this passage. Children
are a heritage from the Lord, an offspring, a
reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior,
children are born in one's youth. Blessed is
the man whose quiver is full of them. And then
it talks about they won't be put to shame when
they contend to their opponents in the court.
And the idea that our kids are arrows launched
toward a target, that there's intentionality.
The real goal isn't that everything is the way
you like it, but they actually fulfill the purpose
that God has for them. And I think that's hard
for us because we like, or at least I liked,
I like them being dependent on me. And one of
the aspects of that first principle of your role
as a parent has to change for me is I have to
ask the question, am I helping or enabling dependency?
And I think sometimes it's our fault because
we still want to be needed and we don't like
the role that. has now been given us. But when
you talk about that scripture and you talk about
launching them with arrows, then we have to help
them become responsible adults. And isn't that
the bottom line? We want our kids to be responsible
adults who love God. Nobody said it was going
to be perfect. In fact, the scripture is very
clear that it's not going to be this easy, clear
path. There's going to be some bumps and bruises
along the way, but they learn through those bumps
and bruises. If we enable dependency, then that's
more our problem as a parent instead of allowing
them to launch and let them experience some of
the highs and lows of life. We had to do that.
Yeah. They have to make some decisions that don't
go so well. The sort of emotional or physical
or sometimes even financial skinning of their
knee. I have three sons and a daughter. They're
all grown now. And I'm learning about this. And
your book was very, very helpful. But my youngest,
he just didn't like school. And so one, six weeks,
he'd do well. And then he'd just fall off the
cliff. Well, this is like for five years in a
row. So he graduates from high school. And I'm
going to go to college. And I remember thinking
this through. Okay, wait a second. This isn't
my money. This is God's money. And I sit down
with him and I say, you've never put two six
weeks together. And so I said, son, this may
sound cruel, but you can work for a year. I'll
give you a very low rent. In fact, I'll take
all the money and I'll put it towards your college.
But you need to come up with $10 ,000 and work
for the next year. So you pay for that first
semester. And then if you do well, we'll jump
in it together. And, you know, he did landscaping
and then he did window tenting. And then after
about six months, he said, Dad, I got news for
you. I'm going to college. Now, those are good
jobs. But he realized I really need to become
responsible. And I talked till I was blue in
the face. But that experience is what taught
him it. Well, experience is a better. teacher
than advice. Each child is different along the
way. And when we do that, we have to look at
each individual and say, what is best for them
to help them launch to become a responsible adult?
There's an element of it too, in that when we
let them go, there is a sense of loss. I find
a lot of parents, and I'm in the same place you
are. I have three daughters. So of course, we
had no hormones or drama in our life, but I have
three daughters who are now launched. And yet,
There was a sense of loss for us. Our identity
was around those kids. And now that we're launching
them, we had to almost grieve the fact that we're
in a different phase, even though it's a great
phase. I would say, too, it is often very different
for the woman that is the man and being on the
same page about launching. My wife intellectually
understood that our son has to be responsible
or sending him to college is not a good plan.
Her head got that. Her heart didn't. I mean,
it's embarrassing for him. I mean, how can you
do this? I said, well, we either can protect
him or we can help him grow up. And sometimes
helping people grow up is hard. Exactly right.
As the role changes, we have to get as physically.
emotionally and spiritually healthy together.
And I actually think sometimes for people who
are married, and I realize there's a lot of single
parents out there, but for people who are married,
one of the most important things is that they
get on the same page. They make some of those
decisions. Now, again, we're never going to be
totally on the same page. Kathy and I are on
the same page and we write books on parenting
and marriage. That's what's funny. But the point
being is the more you can be united. And it really
does take some time and effort. And I didn't
think it was going to be as complicated as they
became young adults and adults. And it is complicated.
And it was complicated for Kathy and I to work
on ourselves. But when we work on our own self,
somebody once said to me, untended fires soon
become nothing but a pile of ashes. And I realized
that during a season, even when our kids were
teens, we weren't tending the fire within our
own souls. And we weren't tending the fire within
our own marriage enough. And so we had to kind
of do some course corrections. in order to help
those kids launch. So the second principle here
is unsolicited advice is usually taken. as criticism.
Could you unpack that for us? You know, what's
funny is I was saying to you that people, they
start shaking their heads once I say that. Unsolicited
advice is usually taken as criticism. They go,
oh, that's my kid. But the principle is keep
your mouth shut, the welcome mat out. Now, there
are some things that when a kid is straying deeply
and having struggles, obviously they need to
know what we believe, what we think. But I think
we do that too often and then they don't launch.
So it goes back to the idea that they don't want
advice. They're not seeking sometimes our advice.
And the fact is, is that they're going to have
to learn. It's back to what we said in that first
principle that experience is a better teacher
than advice. And I think that's really hard for
us because we typically do know the answers.
We typically do have the answers and it's hard
to sit back and say. okay, they're going to have
to navigate this. And I think we often feel very
rejected. I mean, it's like you're now 19, 20,
and you don't even ask me, how did I get dumb?
And then we have a conversation sitting around
the table or over a cup of coffee someplace,
and you're telling me, oh, I got this off the
internet, or so -and -so says this. I'm thinking,
what do you mean? And it was really hard, I think,
for us to accept. them pulling away is a part
of them growing up. And actually that's healthy
because a lot of times we don't see that as healthy.
It gets back to our own unhealthiness, but really
them pulling away is a positive trait because
they're going to have to figure out how to do
it on their own. I think we have to ask for permission.
How have you done that with your kids? Well,
I remember with Christy one time, Christy and
Steve, my son -in -law, they were living with
us for two months and they were going to move
to Texas for a year. and they were talking about
the move. And so I'm listening in on this, and
I'm not thinking either one of them have a really
good idea on how they're going to move. They're
trying to do it cheap. So I walked in, and I
said, can I ask you guys for permission to kind
of give you some advice? Christy, who's in an
intense conversation with Steve, says, not now,
Dad. And I went, oh. And I thought, wait, people
pay me to give them advice, and my own daughter
doesn't want this. So I walked away, and I did
the right thing. You're listening to Living on
the Edge with Chip Ingram. And we'll get you
back to today's message in just a minute. But
quickly, it should be clear from this new series
how passionate we are about encouraging husbands
and wives and empowering them to be God -honoring
parents. And that's why we've also created a
new engaging tool that couples can rely on every
day to strengthen their relationship. Stick around
after the teaching to learn how to get your hands
on this resource. But for now, here again is
Chip. I had an interesting situation on this
Keep Your Mouth Shut. My son -in -law, I knew
him before my daughter did. And I could tell
he was a little bit sweet on her. And it was
a long journey. And he asked me to mentor him.
We met every week for like two years. And man,
we're really tied. He's digging into the scriptures.
And it's been really, really great. I'm over
at his house. And he goes, could we be peers?
I said, what? Well, I appreciate your wise counsel,
but it just feels like every time we're together,
you're either sharing something you're learning
or here's a thought you might have, or no matter
what I'm doing, you sort of want to help me.
I mean, I really respect you, but could we just
hang out? I didn't even know I was doing it,
Jim. Right. And you had been in a different role
with him. And I think we do that with our kids.
We do that sometimes with the significant others
and the in -laws. And what he really did was
he gave you a gift. I love all the advice and
all the respect that I have for you, but the
fact is I want to change the relationship just
a little bit. We kind of came full circle, and
I had to learn to shut up. Yeah. It's so key
for us, though, to have the kind of relationship
with them that they do come back. He's going
to continue to ask for advice, but he wants that
relationship to be kind of on his turn. And so
what do we do? We become their greatest cheerleaders.
Yes. And I think sometimes when we are their
significant cheerleader, then they really are
going to be willing to ask. And I find that when
my kids, when they come and seek advice from
me, now they really want to because they're asking
me. And I want to be open to that. But if I'm
too intrusive. they're not going to want it.
I finally learned that the way that builds that
bridge so they come and ask is listening and
asking questions. Proverbs 9, 8 through 10 says,
do not rebuke a mocker lest he hate you. Rebuke
a wise man and he'll love you. Give instruction
to a wise man and he becomes still wiser. Teach
a righteous man and they'll add to their learning.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
And I think there's times where they don't want
to hear. And coming on super strong, not only
is it not well -received, it actually begins
to cause distance and resentment. And we're not
talking just about cultural issues and the kind
of music you listen to, but this is about your
education or maybe a moral issue, and you're
just getting a wall. What do you say to that
parent? Yeah, I think it's hard. And I've experienced
that with my kids. In fact, one of my daughters,
she was about an hour away in college and she
wasn't making all great choices. And I would
go up every Tuesday and I always had a list in
my pocket that I wanted to cover. But I found
that it was much better when it was more natural
in the conversation. And sometimes it was. And
there were times, Chip, when I would get in that
car and I'd say, did I waste my time? I just
had a meal with her, but I didn't get to go through
my list. And you know what's interesting is I
found that just pouring into her, and she knew
what I was doing, and she probably knew I had
a list, to be honest. But there were other times
when, with her especially, I needed to say, we
need to talk through this. I want to tell you,
I love you. I trust you. I think you're going
to make good decisions. But I feel like I'm still
your dad. I need to have this conversation. But
it's what you did with your son -in -law. I think
it comes through asking the right questions.
It's a little bit like fishing. You're waiting
for that fish to bite. You got to have some patience
and perseverance and you don't have to have the
answer immediately because if we jump in, then
I think they're going to pull back. You share
a story in the book. It's about Ruth Graham because
sometimes they do go away and sometimes they
don't make small bad decisions. They make some
really big ones. You know, Ruth Graham actually
told me this. I love her transparency, but this
is Ruth Jr. who we're talking about. She was
married to someone who had worked for the Graham
organization for years and that's where they
had their children. And then he made some real,
immoral decisions. And on the rebound, she married
somebody that her parents, think of this, this
is Billy and Ruth Graham, had said, don't think
this is a wise idea. Maybe you're rushing into
this. And so she married this guy. They went
down to Florida and within six weeks, it was
a disaster and there was some abuse things going
on. And so she got in her car and she started
driving and she didn't know where she was going
to go. She ended up driving toward home. Because
when we're in trouble, we go home. Calls her
dad up and said, dad, I'm coming home. You were
right. And he didn't say, I told you so. So she
gets there. And of course, there's a gate. It's
the Billy Graham compound. So they open the gate
and she comes up and the door opens and it's
her dad. And he just says, welcome home, bunny.
That's what they called her bunny. Welcome home,
bunny. I love you. And I'm so proud of you. Well,
he could have said so many other things at that
moment. He could have said, I told you so. He
could have said, oh, that was a. Poor choice.
But instead what he did was he just welcomed
her. And guess what? That brought them closer
together. And there were major great conversations
that took place then. Love the grace and the
love that he showed in that moment. I don't know
where you're at. But here's the principle. Keep
your mouth shut and keep the welcome mat open.
I mean, that's the principle. And it's rooted
in a book that Jim wrote that I have passed on
to so many people, doing life with your adult
children. And here's a couple guys that are navigating
life and have done that with their adult children.
And we're going to talk now about principle number
three, become a student of their culture. And
I think this is really critical because The culture
has changed so quickly, and the dynamics behind
it have changed so radically. I think a lot of
parents, they feel the change, but I don't think
they understand it. You described it really well.
It's a mindset shift. You know, my parents were
bugged because the Beatles had long hair. Right.
But the fascinating thing is, is the culture
has shifted and it shifted quickly. So what I'll
say a lot of times to parents of adult children
is they experience so much so differently, not
only as children, for example. They saw the iPhone
birth. We didn't. There were so many things like
that that changed. And I think for a lot of us,
we know that, but we don't become students of
the culture. And so I think it's important for
parents to not agree with everything that's changing
in the culture, but to actually be students of
the culture. For example, I just saw that there
are twice as many atheists in Gen Z than in the
millennials. And we've been worried about the
millennials, but that's going to help me understand
this new generation of kids and what their mindset
is. But we need to know some of the distinctives
because I think we can pair it better when we
know the distinctives. So one of the distinctives
is they're shaped by technology. It means that's
how they're going to shop. That's how they're
going to work. So because they're shaped by technology,
we just have to understand that they have influences
that we didn't have, and it's influenced quickly.
Another part of that is this generation, they
don't live to work. They work. to live. And so
they're not going to get the gold watch by being
someplace for, you know, 35 years. They're just
probably not going to get that. And there's a
positive side to that too, but it drives parents
nuts. You know, I have a daughter who has a master's
degree in business and most every year she kind
of changes, but that's just the norm. This is
a generation that meanders towards responsibility
and it bugs parents like crazy. Now, when you
ask millennials, Even Gen Z, you know, what are
the important factors in your life? They want
to have a good marriage. They want to be good
parents. But they're not going to be going to
the latest Jim Burns seminar or read the big,
thick books. They're looking at podcasts. They're
looking at three -minute videos, maybe a TED
Talk if they're really going to go for it. Yeah,
my daughter said, Well, Dad, I only listen to
podcasts, and we don't have a TV. We get all
our information if I want to watch something
on YouTube. But it's more than just technology
and information. They have a different mindset,
too, don't they? So one of the other points is
that this generation views tolerance as a form
of loving. Sometimes that really struggles when
you have a biblical worldview. I don't want to
be narrow, but at the same time, I do believe
the Bible, and they get frustrated at a point
because of this tolerance. So even though we
disagree, It's possible to produce what I call
odd. If you came into my office, right on my
desk, it's a yellowed post -it note now, but
it says A .W .E. And it stands for affection,
warmth, and encouragement. And I think what we
want to do, even in the midst of not totally
understanding the culture or agreeing with the
culture, is that we give them plenty of affection.
choose to make poor choices, even sexually, not
because they wanted sex. They craved affection
and they weren't getting it from home. And so
I think we give them affection with lots of praise
and then warmth is setting the tone. You can
disagree with your kids and you can even disagree
with some of the cultural decisions, but you
can still set a tone of warmth. My mom did that.
My dad was an alcoholic. We have a similar background
growing up. And yet my mom set a tone in our
home. So what that meant was, sure, she had issues,
but she still set a tone of warmth. We were drawn
to her. So we've got to be the people who give
them lots of affection and warmth and encouragement,
even when we are looking at a worldview differently
than they are. A couple of things come to my
mind. One is I had one son go through a pretty
decent season of rebellion, and he wasn't way
out there morally, but was really challenged
with his faith. And I had these two rules. One,
nothing you can do. is going to cause me to stop
loving you. Oh, so good. And number two is you
can't have your own selfish way inside our home,
you know? Perfect. I mean, his attitude was terrible,
and I went out to breakfast with him once a week,
and he would roll his eyes, and I would just
think, this is the biggest waste of time. And
I was waiting for that big moment and big breakthrough,
but it was just the presence. And, you know,
he turned back around and talked about becoming
a student of them. He had this passion for music.
And I said, hey, son, music is nice, but you've
got to make a living. And so I'm telling him,
you know, you really ought to major in something.
You know, do your music on the side. No, Dad,
I don't want to go to college. This is what I
want to do. And we're in the living room. And
he goes, Dad, I believe God is leading me to
go into music. And then he puts his hands on
his hips and he said, who told me to dream a
dream and trust God and step out? And I remember
in that moment realizing, hey, son, you're right.
How can I support you in that? In my mind, did
I think he was ever going to make it in music?
Absolutely not. But he was a very hard -headed
kid, and he eventually actually made it in music.
And writes a lot of songs that we sing. But I
think it's that coming to where you're understanding
him and realize it's his life. And it wasn't
immoral. But there are times when their culture
and our values really start telling a different
story. And we have to be willing to lean in.
In fact, my passage for this one is the Apostle
Paul. He says, To the Jews I became like a Jew
to win the Jews. To those under the law I became
like one under the law, though I myself am not
under the law, so as to win those under the law.
To those not having the law I became like one
not having the law, though I'm free not from
the law but under Christ's law, so as to win
those not having the law. To the weak I became
weak. to win the week. I've become all things
to all men that I might save some. How do we
do that as parents? Well, I think your illustration
with your son is a perfect illustration of that.
Children, even when they're young, regard your
very presence as a sign of caring and connectedness.
Wow. And I think part of that is, yes, understand
their culture. You don't have to agree with their
culture, but understand what those needs are
within their culture. And they still need dad
and they still need mom to be present in their
life. It's in a different way. But when you do
that, you still are their greatest influence.
When they were young, you were an influence.
And as they're old, it's not like it's going
to go away. You're going to still influence them,
but from a different manner. But it is your presence.
This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
And you've been listening to the first half of
Chip's discussion with author and speaker Jim
Burns. To learn more about Jim's book, Doing
Life with Your Adult Children, visit livingontheedge
.org or call 888 -333 -6003. Well, our Bible
teacher Chip Ingram is back in studio with me
now. And Chip, throughout this series, you've
invited our listeners to become monthly financial
partners. Well, take a minute, if you would,
and explain why we've devoted so much time and
energy to asking people to join us. Dave, there's
a very, very simple reason. The backbone of our
ministry is... people who are on the team. The
second thing is, is we have people give at all
different levels and we're thankful for all of
them, but we never know what's coming in. When
people are on the team and people give monthly,
guess what? You begin to build a baseline that
you can know this amount of money is going to
come in each month. And just like people's budget.
Can you imagine never knowing what your paycheck
is going to be and how are you going to pay your
bills? And so we wanted to emphasize monthly
donors become a part of the family. They become
a part of reaching the next generation, equipping
pastors and leaders and discipling God's people.
And if it's $10 a month or $20 a month, $100
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this is great, this is helpful to I want to be
on the team. We are committed to really making
a difference. And that means we've got to go
there together. And we need everyone to carry
some of the weight. That's why we talk about
becoming monthly partners. Our world is in desperate
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who love Jesus are in desperate need. We are
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series, Uninvited Guests. Until then, I'm Dave
Drewy saying thanks for listening to this edition
of Living on the Edge.