WEBVTT 00:00:01.129 --> 00:00:03.390 One of the most challenging responsibilities 00:00:03.390 --> 00:00:07.490 of every parent is properly disciplining our 00:00:07.490 --> 00:00:10.949 children. How do you walk that tightrope of not 00:00:10.949 --> 00:00:15.269 being a hard drill sergeant demanding with no 00:00:15.269 --> 00:00:18.370 understanding or being so passive and loving 00:00:18.370 --> 00:00:20.989 and caring that they don't have the boundaries 00:00:20.989 --> 00:00:23.589 that they desperately need? Today, we're going 00:00:23.589 --> 00:00:26.789 to talk about two words to help you be the parent 00:00:26.789 --> 00:00:31.559 that God wants you to be. Thank you for being 00:00:31.559 --> 00:00:34.200 with us for this edition of Living on the Edge 00:00:34.200 --> 00:00:37.200 with Chip Ingram. Chip serves as our Bible teacher 00:00:37.200 --> 00:00:39.640 for this global teaching and discipleship ministry, 00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:42.640 helping Christians develop an authentic faith. 00:00:42.939 --> 00:00:44.979 Well, in this program, Chip picks up where he 00:00:44.979 --> 00:00:47.420 left off with the insightful second half of his 00:00:47.420 --> 00:00:49.539 talk, how to discipline your child effectively. 00:00:50.170 --> 00:00:52.609 And like last time, he has a lot to teach us 00:00:52.609 --> 00:00:55.250 about this vital, vital topic. So I hope you 00:00:55.250 --> 00:00:57.450 have your notes and Bible ready as we join him 00:00:57.450 --> 00:01:00.090 now to continue our series on invited guests. 00:01:01.689 --> 00:01:06.209 John, if you would, 1 John 2, verses 1 and 2. 00:01:06.349 --> 00:01:08.250 Just all I want you to do is get this principle. 00:01:09.870 --> 00:01:12.109 The apostle is writing to this young church. 00:01:12.209 --> 00:01:14.590 He says, I've written to you, my dear children, 00:01:14.769 --> 00:01:18.400 in order that you might not sin. But if you do 00:01:18.400 --> 00:01:20.659 sin, knowing they will, we have an advocate, 00:01:20.900 --> 00:01:25.060 Jesus Christ the righteous. We have an advocate 00:01:25.060 --> 00:01:26.680 with the Father. Advocate just means we have 00:01:26.680 --> 00:01:28.920 a lawyer. We have someone pleading our case. 00:01:29.099 --> 00:01:32.079 We have an advocate, Jesus Christ the righteous, 00:01:32.280 --> 00:01:36.439 and he is the propitiation for our sin. Propitiation 00:01:36.439 --> 00:01:38.140 is one of those really big biblical words that 00:01:38.140 --> 00:01:43.040 means he absorbed the just wrath of God. And 00:01:43.040 --> 00:01:44.859 then it goes on to say, but not only for us, 00:01:44.959 --> 00:01:49.420 believers, but for the whole world. Now, theologically, 00:01:49.540 --> 00:01:52.000 there are some people who will say, I don't want 00:01:52.000 --> 00:01:54.500 the free gift. I'll take the punishment. I don't 00:01:54.500 --> 00:01:56.620 want the free gift. I don't want what Christ 00:01:56.620 --> 00:01:58.739 has done. And God says, thy will be done. He 00:01:58.739 --> 00:02:02.780 doesn't force it on anyone. But if you can understand 00:02:02.780 --> 00:02:06.120 that's how your heavenly father deals with you, 00:02:06.260 --> 00:02:09.360 he doesn't punish you. He's not down on you. 00:02:09.800 --> 00:02:13.620 That's been covered. It's been atoned for. His 00:02:13.620 --> 00:02:16.740 heart's desire. Now, The discipline may get more 00:02:16.740 --> 00:02:18.780 and more and more severe if you don't listen. 00:02:18.919 --> 00:02:20.740 And you may have to cause the discipline for 00:02:20.740 --> 00:02:22.259 your kids to be more and more and more severe 00:02:22.259 --> 00:02:25.020 until it gets their attention. But it comes from 00:02:25.020 --> 00:02:28.120 a different heart. Does that make sense? The 00:02:28.120 --> 00:02:30.199 reason why you have a lot of conflict and you 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:32.500 feel bad and you feel guilty and kids withdraw 00:02:32.500 --> 00:02:35.419 and they rebel is they need to know and feel 00:02:35.419 --> 00:02:38.539 your love even when you're disciplining them 00:02:38.539 --> 00:02:40.500 because you're not punishing them. It's not, 00:02:40.539 --> 00:02:42.860 I'm going to pay you back. It's not out of anger. 00:02:43.439 --> 00:02:48.240 Now then, The $64 ,000 question is how? Well, 00:02:48.300 --> 00:02:50.560 what did we learn? How does God do it? Through 00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:56.280 consistent consequences, actions, and clear instruction. 00:02:56.800 --> 00:02:59.460 And so I want to go over those two things and 00:02:59.460 --> 00:03:02.080 give you some very practical tools about how 00:03:02.080 --> 00:03:05.080 to do that with your kids. Consistent consequences 00:03:05.080 --> 00:03:08.759 go something like this. Proverbs 13, 24 says, 00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:13.210 He who spares his rod hates his son. but he who 00:03:13.210 --> 00:03:17.030 loves him disciplines him diligently. Think of 00:03:17.030 --> 00:03:19.729 that. If you spare the rod, consistent action, 00:03:19.849 --> 00:03:24.870 not talk, you hate your child. Why? Because God 00:03:24.870 --> 00:03:26.849 says, if you loved him, you would give him what 00:03:26.849 --> 00:03:28.909 he needs instead of what he wants. He goes on 00:03:28.909 --> 00:03:30.710 to say, folly is bound up in the heart of a child. 00:03:30.849 --> 00:03:34.409 Every kid's like this. But the rod of discipline, 00:03:34.530 --> 00:03:38.330 action, will drive it far from him. Now, I'm 00:03:38.330 --> 00:03:40.919 going to do something, and this will be... Can 00:03:40.919 --> 00:03:43.479 I just go on record real quickly here? Will you 00:03:43.479 --> 00:03:49.099 please lean back? Take a nice deep breath. For 00:03:49.099 --> 00:03:51.360 the next five minutes, I will be as radically, 00:03:51.479 --> 00:03:54.280 politically incorrect of anything you've heard 00:03:54.280 --> 00:03:58.060 in the last 30 days, maybe more. I'm going to 00:03:58.060 --> 00:04:00.919 describe what the rod is. I'm going to describe 00:04:00.919 --> 00:04:04.620 what it means when biblical quote spanking. I 00:04:04.620 --> 00:04:06.580 will give you some research on that when I get 00:04:06.580 --> 00:04:08.800 done about... from psychologists, the American 00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:11.419 Psychological Association, that will instruct 00:04:11.419 --> 00:04:14.680 you very clearly about the non -negative impacts 00:04:14.680 --> 00:04:18.579 when done biblically. But you are living in a 00:04:18.579 --> 00:04:21.759 world where many of your kids do not obey, and 00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:23.819 you have arguments, and it's time out, and there's 00:04:23.819 --> 00:04:26.240 this, and there's that. And God has provided 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:29.160 a way, especially if you start young, to help 00:04:29.160 --> 00:04:32.420 your children obey and learn obedience that gets 00:04:32.420 --> 00:04:35.060 down into their soul that's very helpful. Now, 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:38.639 You can totally choose to say, that's not a practice 00:04:38.639 --> 00:04:40.759 that will be good for me. All I'm saying is, 00:04:40.860 --> 00:04:44.259 we are so afraid to talk about this. We have 00:04:44.259 --> 00:04:46.660 parents out on islands struggling with their 00:04:46.660 --> 00:04:50.879 children, and by and large, creating huge psychological 00:04:50.879 --> 00:04:54.579 damage because of the yelling and the screaming 00:04:54.579 --> 00:04:56.560 and all the things that happen that your kids 00:04:56.560 --> 00:04:58.740 aren't getting. So I'm going to tell you what 00:04:58.740 --> 00:05:01.540 the biblical rod or spanking looks like. You 00:05:01.540 --> 00:05:03.779 evaluate. You can hear the research. Then you 00:05:03.779 --> 00:05:06.740 can do whatever God leads you to do. Number one, 00:05:06.920 --> 00:05:09.300 whenever you feel like this is important, you 00:05:09.300 --> 00:05:11.680 give them a clear warning. A child should never 00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:14.569 be pulled out of a booth and... You never use 00:05:14.569 --> 00:05:16.810 your hand, by the way. It should never be, when 00:05:16.810 --> 00:05:19.829 is this coming? My Nazi crazy parent out of the 00:05:19.829 --> 00:05:22.129 blue is blowing up in anger. They need to know. 00:05:22.209 --> 00:05:24.769 And by the way, the small little windows, this 00:05:24.769 --> 00:05:27.149 isn't for every little offense. This is when 00:05:27.149 --> 00:05:31.310 you draw a line in the sand and your son or your 00:05:31.310 --> 00:05:35.350 daughter steps up and goes, no, I'm not doing 00:05:35.350 --> 00:05:38.160 that. And by the way, it starts early. So there 00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:41.100 are times when it's really clear. Do not, do 00:05:41.100 --> 00:05:43.300 not do this. There's been a clear warning. And 00:05:43.300 --> 00:05:44.959 you're concerned because you know if they do 00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:47.459 it, they'll get hurt. There's great damage. And 00:05:47.459 --> 00:05:50.379 you say, if that happens again, I want you to 00:05:50.379 --> 00:05:53.420 know when you're really testing who is the boss, 00:05:53.600 --> 00:05:56.339 that this is going to be the consequence. There's 00:05:56.339 --> 00:05:59.680 a clear warning. Second, you establish responsibility. 00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:03.180 So I'll give you a real life example. I have 00:06:03.180 --> 00:06:05.560 many of them, but this is just one. My kids were 00:06:05.560 --> 00:06:08.120 in that five to six, seven age group. They had 00:06:08.120 --> 00:06:11.459 friends. The parents were about three doors down. 00:06:11.720 --> 00:06:14.790 The son was at our house all the time. This is 00:06:14.790 --> 00:06:16.550 not exaggeration. He'd been through three or 00:06:16.550 --> 00:06:18.509 four marriages. She had been through three. They 00:06:18.509 --> 00:06:20.850 had both alcohol and drug problems. They had, 00:06:20.889 --> 00:06:23.449 you know, a mixed group, which I really understood 00:06:23.449 --> 00:06:26.310 of all different ages. The older boys had people 00:06:26.310 --> 00:06:30.050 over drugs, alcohol, violence. And I told my 00:06:30.050 --> 00:06:33.329 little boys, Michael can come over here anytime. 00:06:33.610 --> 00:06:35.910 He can be a part of our family. He can eat. You, 00:06:36.170 --> 00:06:39.310 parents are gone all during the day, can never 00:06:39.310 --> 00:06:41.839 go in that house. I mean, we made friends. We 00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:43.680 actually, the mom and dad both came to Christ 00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:46.420 about three years later. But I mean, you know, 00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:48.019 it was just like, here, the bar is like this, 00:06:48.019 --> 00:06:50.000 and this is like this. I mean, and everything 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:53.500 went on. And so, of course, I don't know how 00:06:53.500 --> 00:06:56.139 God works this. We're driving by, and I watch 00:06:56.139 --> 00:06:58.800 my kids come out of the house. And so, clear 00:06:58.800 --> 00:07:03.180 warning, okay? Look, do you understand? If I 00:07:03.180 --> 00:07:06.040 catch you going over to that house again, you 00:07:06.040 --> 00:07:09.519 will get a spanking. Eye contact. Do you get 00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:13.220 that? Yes. Well, you know, two days later, same 00:07:13.220 --> 00:07:16.860 thing. They do it. So here's, I did not, when 00:07:16.860 --> 00:07:18.939 I caught them the second time, they know what's 00:07:18.939 --> 00:07:20.300 going to happen. They're going to get a spanking. 00:07:20.639 --> 00:07:23.240 Of course, am I angry? Yes, but I get under control. 00:07:24.060 --> 00:07:28.319 I did not ask them, why did you do that? You 00:07:28.319 --> 00:07:30.920 ever hear yourself saying, why did you do that? 00:07:30.980 --> 00:07:33.019 Why did you go with those friends? Why did you 00:07:33.019 --> 00:07:34.920 do that I told you not to? Why did you go to 00:07:34.920 --> 00:07:36.980 that movie? Why did you spend that money? Why 00:07:36.980 --> 00:07:38.399 did you take the car without permission? Why, 00:07:38.420 --> 00:07:39.959 why, why? I'll tell you why. Because they're 00:07:39.959 --> 00:07:43.839 sinners. Like you. Why do you mess up? Why do 00:07:43.839 --> 00:07:46.839 you do stupid stuff? Why do you lie? Because 00:07:46.839 --> 00:07:50.019 you're a sinner. That doesn't help anything. 00:07:50.639 --> 00:07:52.639 I mean, if you want to shame them, why, why, 00:07:52.660 --> 00:07:55.860 why? What's wrong with you? What are you expecting 00:07:55.860 --> 00:07:57.930 in your seven -year -old? Well, I was born in 00:07:57.930 --> 00:08:01.430 Adam, and I think I've inherited sin, and I've 00:08:01.430 --> 00:08:03.449 not yet understood the propitiation of Christ, 00:08:03.629 --> 00:08:06.029 and I'm really not up on the sanctification process, 00:08:06.230 --> 00:08:07.930 and because of that, I'm not renewing my mind 00:08:07.930 --> 00:08:10.689 at the level that allows me to. Are you kidding 00:08:10.689 --> 00:08:14.670 me? But here's important. What did you do wrong? 00:08:15.329 --> 00:08:17.009 Well, I just, you know, the other kids were doing 00:08:17.009 --> 00:08:18.889 it, and I just, no, no, no, no. What did you 00:08:18.889 --> 00:08:21.629 do wrong? Well, I didn't mean to do it, and it 00:08:21.629 --> 00:08:23.410 was Jason. He wanted to go, and I wanted to. 00:08:23.990 --> 00:08:29.620 Stop. What did you wrong? I went in the house. 00:08:29.720 --> 00:08:33.539 You told me not to. What do we call that? Disobedience. 00:08:34.879 --> 00:08:38.460 Your kids have got to own it. I mean, I see parents 00:08:38.460 --> 00:08:40.259 doing all this stuff. The kid does this. The 00:08:40.259 --> 00:08:41.539 kid does that. Go tell him you're sorry about 00:08:41.539 --> 00:08:44.139 what? I'm sorry. I guess it's over. What you 00:08:44.139 --> 00:08:45.639 want to do is you want to teach what did they 00:08:45.639 --> 00:08:49.480 do wrong? You're listening to Living on the Edge 00:08:49.480 --> 00:08:52.159 with Chip Ingram. And before he continues our 00:08:52.159 --> 00:08:54.970 new series, Uninvited Guests. I want to remind 00:08:54.970 --> 00:08:57.370 you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples 00:08:57.370 --> 00:09:00.190 and parents are only possible because of listeners 00:09:00.190 --> 00:09:03.250 like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep 00:09:03.250 --> 00:09:05.730 listening after today's message as Chip shares 00:09:05.730 --> 00:09:08.590 more of his heart for preserving the family and 00:09:08.590 --> 00:09:11.169 why now is a great time to partner with us in 00:09:11.169 --> 00:09:14.250 this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now, 00:09:14.269 --> 00:09:17.690 let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk. Third, 00:09:17.870 --> 00:09:22.529 avoid embarrassment. Don't ever do this publicly. 00:09:22.830 --> 00:09:25.149 Don't do it out in the living room. This is a 00:09:25.149 --> 00:09:27.049 private moment, either in your bedroom, their 00:09:27.049 --> 00:09:30.090 bedroom, or away from the crowd. Four, communicate 00:09:30.090 --> 00:09:32.970 grief. See, this is why I wanted to teach you 00:09:32.970 --> 00:09:35.429 the theology of discipline instead of punishment. 00:09:35.649 --> 00:09:37.549 In other words, you're not an out -of -control 00:09:37.549 --> 00:09:40.110 parent. Now, many times I've told my kids, you 00:09:40.110 --> 00:09:45.149 can't believe how angry I am right now. But here's 00:09:45.149 --> 00:09:49.269 the core of my anger. I feel so betrayed. I love 00:09:49.269 --> 00:09:52.950 you. I trust you. We hang out. We do all kind 00:09:52.950 --> 00:09:55.769 of things. When I tell you something and you 00:09:55.769 --> 00:10:00.009 tell me something, I'm your dad. I'm for you. 00:10:00.350 --> 00:10:04.929 And you know what? It's not all bad. In fact, 00:10:04.950 --> 00:10:07.110 it's not bad at all. But if they see you kind 00:10:07.110 --> 00:10:09.570 of well up or see a tear in your eye, you broke 00:10:09.570 --> 00:10:13.929 my heart. Sin is not primarily about behavior, 00:10:14.129 --> 00:10:17.409 people. Sin is not, and your kids' outcomes are 00:10:17.409 --> 00:10:19.169 not, they do this, they don't do that, they do 00:10:19.169 --> 00:10:21.690 this, they'll come out okay. Sin is always primarily 00:10:21.690 --> 00:10:25.029 a relational issue. You want them to learn. They 00:10:25.029 --> 00:10:28.730 betrayed your trust. They broke your heart. Because 00:10:28.730 --> 00:10:30.950 what you want them to learn later and what you 00:10:30.950 --> 00:10:33.509 need to understand, when you lie and when you 00:10:33.509 --> 00:10:36.429 cheat and when you log on or when you are tempted 00:10:36.429 --> 00:10:39.149 to do things, this isn't about how close can 00:10:39.149 --> 00:10:42.909 I get to some line. You're breaking your father's 00:10:42.909 --> 00:10:47.669 heart. You betray your father, the one who loves 00:10:47.669 --> 00:10:49.370 you, the one who sent his son, the one who has 00:10:49.370 --> 00:10:51.970 your best. And so you want to communicate genuine 00:10:51.970 --> 00:10:55.029 grief because you want it to be a relational 00:10:55.029 --> 00:10:58.830 issue. And then I brought my little, you know, 00:10:58.850 --> 00:11:01.149 from about, you know, you'll have to choose, 00:11:01.190 --> 00:11:04.409 but somewhere around two or three or somewhere 00:11:04.409 --> 00:11:07.269 they get old enough where they know and they 00:11:07.269 --> 00:11:11.269 draw a line in the sand. And you never, this, 00:11:11.330 --> 00:11:14.720 you know what this is for? Loving. touching, 00:11:14.899 --> 00:11:20.399 caring, praying, and nurturing. This never, ever 00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:22.940 strikes your child anywhere on their body for 00:11:22.940 --> 00:11:25.659 any reason. Well, I have to do it right. No, 00:11:25.679 --> 00:11:29.299 you don't. This is a rod. It's a little wooden 00:11:29.299 --> 00:11:32.799 spoon. It's extraordinarily effective. And I 00:11:32.799 --> 00:11:35.000 want to show you how to do it. I'm not joking 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:36.740 with you. Because I've seen people, they get 00:11:36.740 --> 00:11:41.480 angry. You don't do that. Every human being, 00:11:41.519 --> 00:11:43.100 especially children, have something here. It's 00:11:43.100 --> 00:11:46.000 called adipose tissue. It's a fancy way for saying 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:51.240 fat. Here's your goal. You flick the wrist. This 00:11:51.240 --> 00:11:55.159 will produce an amazing level of sting. It does 00:11:55.159 --> 00:12:00.100 absolutely no damage. You want it to hurt. It 00:12:00.100 --> 00:12:02.419 produces in kids up through about, depending 00:12:02.419 --> 00:12:04.759 on their size and ability, up through about 10 00:12:04.759 --> 00:12:07.139 years old or somewhere in there, it produces 00:12:07.139 --> 00:12:09.379 a level of, oh, I don't ever want that to happen 00:12:09.379 --> 00:12:13.120 again. which is what you want, and it's immediate. 00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:16.379 And then you want them to experience sincere 00:12:16.379 --> 00:12:18.980 repentance. The earlier you start, the better. 00:12:19.080 --> 00:12:21.860 And so when my kids were four or five and even 00:12:21.860 --> 00:12:24.980 older, we would go through this process, and 00:12:24.980 --> 00:12:28.840 they're crying now. And I would usually sit on 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:33.500 the floor, and I'd have them on my lap, and I'd 00:12:33.500 --> 00:12:38.720 just let them cry. I want them to know. I'm here, 00:12:38.799 --> 00:12:41.559 my arms around you. You did what was wrong. You 00:12:41.559 --> 00:12:44.580 owned up to it. This is what happens. I'm for 00:12:44.580 --> 00:12:47.759 you. I don't know about you. I've cried in God's 00:12:47.759 --> 00:12:50.019 presence. I've cried in God's presence when I've 00:12:50.019 --> 00:12:54.580 done really stupid or sinful things. David cried 00:12:54.580 --> 00:12:57.600 in God's presence. And then they cry for a while 00:12:57.600 --> 00:13:00.039 and then they kind of get calmed down. And then 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:02.299 sincere repentance. I said, well, are you ready 00:13:02.299 --> 00:13:04.240 to talk to God? And when they were small, I coached 00:13:04.240 --> 00:13:07.320 them so they learned how. Yeah, daddy, I'm ready. 00:13:07.899 --> 00:13:10.080 So what do you say to God? I'm a bad person. 00:13:10.200 --> 00:13:12.820 No, you're not a bad person, son. You're not 00:13:12.820 --> 00:13:14.840 a bad person. You're special. God loves you. 00:13:15.399 --> 00:13:19.240 What did you do? I went in the house when you 00:13:19.240 --> 00:13:24.580 told me not to. Okay. Why don't you tell God? 00:13:25.620 --> 00:13:27.840 God, I'm sorry for going in the house when Daddy 00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:32.080 told me not to. I disobeyed. Okay. Why don't 00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:36.590 you tell him you're sorry? I'm sorry, God. Is 00:13:36.590 --> 00:13:38.009 there someone else you need to apologize to? 00:13:40.289 --> 00:13:44.409 You? Yeah, that's right. Okay. I'm sorry, Dad. 00:13:44.629 --> 00:13:49.169 Oh, honey, I forgive you. And I put my arms around 00:13:49.169 --> 00:13:52.169 him and I teach him. Lord, I thank you that whenever 00:13:52.169 --> 00:13:55.850 we break your heart by doing what's wrong, that 00:13:55.850 --> 00:14:00.009 like it's a mark on a chalkboard. And the moment 00:14:00.009 --> 00:14:02.389 we come from our heart and ask you to forgive 00:14:02.389 --> 00:14:06.840 us, you absolutely erase it and love us. Amen. 00:14:06.840 --> 00:14:09.600 And then we would get up together, and I usually 00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:11.480 tried to do something very positive. Let's go 00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:15.340 play horse. I want them to know, you're not rejected. 00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:20.639 That's biblical spanking. That's the rod. But 00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:23.240 what's happened in our day? I've got an interesting 00:14:23.240 --> 00:14:27.759 article by a psychologist in... Chicago, and 00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:30.580 it's called The Killer Narcissist. And I won't 00:14:30.580 --> 00:14:33.799 read it, but the essence of the article is why 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:37.019 do we have wanton killings in schools? And the 00:14:37.019 --> 00:14:39.820 politically correct answer is because of these 00:14:39.820 --> 00:14:42.320 desperate underprivileged homes and all the different 00:14:42.320 --> 00:14:44.700 things they're going through. And then what she 00:14:44.700 --> 00:14:46.940 does is she goes, well, actually, if you look 00:14:46.940 --> 00:14:49.720 at Littleton, if you look at what happened in 00:14:49.720 --> 00:14:52.080 Pennsylvania, and she goes through all the different 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:54.960 ones and none of them fit the profile. It's upwardly 00:14:54.960 --> 00:15:00.169 mobile. white suburbs largely, of affluent kids 00:15:00.169 --> 00:15:03.009 whose parents have given them everything. And 00:15:03.009 --> 00:15:06.830 she says what happens is the movement of a narcissist 00:15:06.830 --> 00:15:11.309 to a radical killer is very small in the teenage 00:15:11.309 --> 00:15:13.889 years. And when you raise kids who think the 00:15:13.889 --> 00:15:15.850 whole world revolves around them and they don't 00:15:15.850 --> 00:15:18.450 get their way, they feel very hurt because they 00:15:18.450 --> 00:15:20.549 don't get the esteem, the entitlement, and life 00:15:20.549 --> 00:15:24.649 works for me, and it creates rage. And all the 00:15:24.649 --> 00:15:27.100 kids she goes through are of parents, educated 00:15:27.100 --> 00:15:30.320 gave him everything we're producing narcissists 00:15:30.320 --> 00:15:34.139 every kid doesn't need a trophy every kid doesn't 00:15:34.139 --> 00:15:35.919 need to know that the whole world revolves around 00:15:35.919 --> 00:15:38.399 them we don't go out to eat where our kids want 00:15:38.399 --> 00:15:40.600 we don't make decisions about all our kids all 00:15:40.600 --> 00:15:43.580 the time what you create is they an expectation 00:15:43.580 --> 00:15:46.360 that the world revolves around them and they're 00:15:46.360 --> 00:15:47.840 going to find out the world doesn't and when 00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:52.080 they do really bad things happen it's a complete 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:55.669 lack of discipline But it takes being a jerk 00:15:55.669 --> 00:15:58.629 sometimes. And what I can tell you is when you 00:15:58.629 --> 00:16:01.629 start very early, this is one. Now, if a timeout 00:16:01.629 --> 00:16:04.990 works, great. If this works, great. But this 00:16:04.990 --> 00:16:08.230 is a biblical way to help your children. And 00:16:08.230 --> 00:16:10.610 here's the difference. The difference is when 00:16:10.610 --> 00:16:14.009 it's done, it's done. It's not 30 minutes. I 00:16:14.009 --> 00:16:15.769 told you to stand up. I told you to sit down. 00:16:15.889 --> 00:16:18.809 Okay, a 10 -minute timeout. You're grounded for 00:16:18.809 --> 00:16:22.720 three days, five days. You're grounded until 00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:26.460 Jesus comes. And then, you know, I hang out in 00:16:26.460 --> 00:16:28.320 coffee shops and, you know, a couple of high 00:16:28.320 --> 00:16:30.460 schoolers come in after school in backpacks and 00:16:30.460 --> 00:16:32.600 got the earphones. Hey, how's it going, man? 00:16:32.700 --> 00:16:34.179 It's going pretty good. What's up with you? Oh, 00:16:34.279 --> 00:16:36.620 man, I'm grounded. Oh, yeah. Oh, bummer, man. 00:16:36.639 --> 00:16:38.600 This is coming up. How long? Oh, they say two 00:16:38.600 --> 00:16:42.259 weeks, but I figure three days. Your kids are 00:16:42.259 --> 00:16:46.519 really good students of you. Oh, Mom, the prom's 00:16:46.519 --> 00:16:48.980 coming up. I'm going to miss this. How could 00:16:48.980 --> 00:16:51.179 you do that? Don't you trust me? You're being 00:16:51.179 --> 00:16:53.860 so hard on me. You don't really get it. All my 00:16:53.860 --> 00:16:55.440 other friends, and they go to church, and their 00:16:55.440 --> 00:16:58.679 parents let them do this. Why, my, my, my. And 00:16:58.679 --> 00:17:03.980 we have a generation of non -jerk parents. And 00:17:03.980 --> 00:17:07.299 you keep the peace, and you will feel the pain. 00:17:08.579 --> 00:17:11.339 And God says, I love you too much, and I want 00:17:11.339 --> 00:17:14.490 you to love your kids too much. to let that happen. 00:17:15.809 --> 00:17:17.329 A lady wrote me, and I don't know whether it 00:17:17.329 --> 00:17:19.730 was a small group material or the book. She goes, 00:17:19.750 --> 00:17:22.690 I recently... shied away from spanking, even 00:17:22.690 --> 00:17:24.670 though every other discipline for my seven -year 00:17:24.670 --> 00:17:26.990 -old has not worked. I've been exhausted with 00:17:26.990 --> 00:17:29.190 the confrontations and the drama associated with 00:17:29.190 --> 00:17:31.609 even the minor things in life. This message was 00:17:31.609 --> 00:17:33.430 the kick in the pants I needed to do what's right 00:17:33.430 --> 00:17:35.849 before God. Thank you. This morning, his attitude 00:17:35.849 --> 00:17:39.150 was the same as normal. We had fights. He wouldn't 00:17:39.150 --> 00:17:41.269 do his schoolwork. He was argumentative, disrespectful, 00:17:41.490 --> 00:17:43.910 and disobedient. He was clearly challenging my 00:17:43.910 --> 00:17:46.500 authority. So I breathed a helpful prayer. I 00:17:46.500 --> 00:17:48.299 asked him to come upstairs away from the little 00:17:48.299 --> 00:17:50.440 brother. I picked up the spoon along the way. 00:17:51.259 --> 00:17:55.019 Anyhow, the bottom line, no pun intended. Two 00:17:55.019 --> 00:17:57.960 quick stings later, he was sobbing and repenting 00:17:57.960 --> 00:18:01.920 in my arms and apologizing. I held him, and then 00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:06.480 he said this, Mama, I'm sure glad they make wooden 00:18:06.480 --> 00:18:10.200 spoons. The rest of the day has been peaceful. 00:18:10.299 --> 00:18:13.490 We prayed together, no arguments. No disobedience. 00:18:14.089 --> 00:18:16.170 Thanks for the reminder that I need the courage 00:18:16.170 --> 00:18:20.230 to discipline. So you know what? Your kids, their 00:18:20.230 --> 00:18:22.890 conscience needs cleansed. Your kids need to 00:18:22.890 --> 00:18:25.970 have a clean moment of, you know, if it's ongoing, 00:18:26.309 --> 00:18:30.250 you're shaming them. Now, I'm not saying that 00:18:30.250 --> 00:18:31.970 everyone should do this and it's not for every. 00:18:32.049 --> 00:18:34.009 I'm expecting like there's a level of common 00:18:34.009 --> 00:18:36.869 sense in this room. But you need to figure out 00:18:36.869 --> 00:18:39.390 when they challenge your authority and they cross 00:18:39.390 --> 00:18:43.490 the line. You need to really think about what 00:18:43.490 --> 00:18:46.690 you need to do and if possibly these verses in 00:18:46.690 --> 00:18:48.849 Proverbs may be as true as all the other verses 00:18:48.849 --> 00:18:51.490 in Proverbs that we claim. But these just happen 00:18:51.490 --> 00:18:54.309 to be unpopular. Well, actions is one thing, 00:18:54.329 --> 00:18:58.609 but then words. Clear instructions or reproof. 00:18:58.630 --> 00:19:00.809 I gave you those two little Hebrew words out 00:19:00.809 --> 00:19:03.190 of Proverbs and the second one had to do with 00:19:03.190 --> 00:19:06.509 very specific words. And so four ways to use 00:19:06.509 --> 00:19:09.069 words to bring about correction. And by the way, 00:19:09.089 --> 00:19:13.109 we always start with words. You know, just clarification. 00:19:13.390 --> 00:19:17.410 I rarely spank my kids. I rarely had to. But 00:19:17.410 --> 00:19:20.670 if that is a clear expectation and they know 00:19:20.670 --> 00:19:22.589 that when you say this or say that, you actually 00:19:22.589 --> 00:19:25.349 mean it, you know, a lot of times it's, son, 00:19:25.549 --> 00:19:29.589 and he looks at you, it's time to go. All it 00:19:29.589 --> 00:19:33.609 takes is, Eric, you know what that means? Consequences 00:19:33.609 --> 00:19:37.690 are coming. Bam, he gets up. But there's never 00:19:37.690 --> 00:19:41.019 a line, your words don't mean much. So number 00:19:41.019 --> 00:19:47.039 one, say no firmly. Say no firmly. Here's what 00:19:47.039 --> 00:19:49.700 I see happen. And by the way, everything I'm 00:19:49.700 --> 00:19:51.420 going to share, all these illustrations like, 00:19:51.480 --> 00:19:53.180 oh, I do that, I can't believe it. Well, where 00:19:53.180 --> 00:19:57.539 do you think I get them? This is our failure 00:19:57.539 --> 00:20:00.119 as parents over the years, okay? And so this 00:20:00.119 --> 00:20:02.160 is like, and I'll exaggerate just to make the 00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:05.329 quick point. You know, your daughter says, can 00:20:05.329 --> 00:20:07.470 I do a sleepover with these three girls, and 00:20:07.470 --> 00:20:08.910 we're going to watch this movie, and I think 00:20:08.910 --> 00:20:10.170 it's really going to be great, and her parents 00:20:10.170 --> 00:20:11.190 are going to be home, and everything's going 00:20:11.190 --> 00:20:13.009 to be okay. And immediately, you know, the three 00:20:13.009 --> 00:20:15.250 girls just got on juvie. It's a triple X rated 00:20:15.250 --> 00:20:17.670 movie. The houses aren't there, and both parents 00:20:17.670 --> 00:20:21.190 are drug addicts. And, okay, am I exaggerating 00:20:21.190 --> 00:20:24.130 enough? And inside, you're thinking, absolutely 00:20:24.130 --> 00:20:28.089 not, right? You know, inside, no way. And here's 00:20:28.089 --> 00:20:30.890 your response. Oh, honey, you know, I don't know. 00:20:31.420 --> 00:20:33.519 It just, that doesn't really sound like a good, 00:20:33.579 --> 00:20:36.400 and what do they hear? There's a window, right? 00:20:36.799 --> 00:20:39.140 Come on, mom, don't you really trust me? I mean, 00:20:39.160 --> 00:20:40.799 everyone's gonna, I never get to do anything, 00:20:40.900 --> 00:20:42.759 and you know, I love Jesus, and maybe this is 00:20:42.759 --> 00:20:44.759 my chance to really help them, and come on, mom. 00:20:45.440 --> 00:20:49.460 And then it's like, well, honey, no, no, I don't, 00:20:49.460 --> 00:20:51.799 I just really don't think so. Your words are 00:20:51.799 --> 00:20:53.059 saying one thing. What's your tone of voice saying? 00:20:53.299 --> 00:20:56.369 There's a window. So now it's, I. can't believe 00:20:56.369 --> 00:20:58.789 it. You don't trust me at all. I could never 00:20:58.789 --> 00:21:01.430 do anything. Slam the door. And now you got drama. 00:21:03.490 --> 00:21:07.029 Say what you mean. Say it clearly. Say it firmly. 00:21:07.230 --> 00:21:09.269 And if you don't mean it, then don't say it. 00:21:09.670 --> 00:21:13.509 So, same situation. She says that. Or you fill 00:21:13.509 --> 00:21:16.769 it in. And you stop. And if you're not sure, 00:21:16.930 --> 00:21:20.029 you say, ooh, you know what? I need to pray about 00:21:20.029 --> 00:21:21.690 that. And if you're not a single parent, then 00:21:21.690 --> 00:21:23.450 you say, I need to talk with your father. This 00:21:23.450 --> 00:21:26.099 is a big decision. I'll let you know later. But 00:21:26.099 --> 00:21:30.279 if it's an absolute one, what you say is, did 00:21:30.279 --> 00:21:34.359 I hear you right? Absolutely not. But mom, and 00:21:34.359 --> 00:21:36.019 then you give them this look, if you haven't 00:21:36.019 --> 00:21:38.700 worked on this, this means, oh, you are on dangerous 00:21:38.700 --> 00:21:40.779 ground. This is the look. But mom, and you go, 00:21:40.980 --> 00:21:45.680 and you know what that look means? There is no 00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:48.680 more discussion. And you know what? They accept 00:21:48.680 --> 00:21:54.339 it. Say no firmly. You know, you ever go over, 00:21:55.070 --> 00:21:56.769 to friends' houses or they come to your house 00:21:56.769 --> 00:21:58.250 and the kids really like each other and they're 00:21:58.250 --> 00:21:59.950 really having fun. And so they're like running 00:21:59.950 --> 00:22:02.490 around and going nuts and going crazy. And you 00:22:02.490 --> 00:22:03.970 do stuff like this because you're with your friends. 00:22:04.150 --> 00:22:07.130 And hey, hey, hey, kids, kids, kids, stop running 00:22:07.130 --> 00:22:09.150 through here. Stop running through here. You 00:22:09.150 --> 00:22:11.369 don't mean it at all. So they run out, run out. 00:22:11.470 --> 00:22:13.730 And hey, how are things going? Zoom, zoom, they 00:22:13.730 --> 00:22:15.789 come through again. Toys are coming off. Hey, 00:22:15.809 --> 00:22:18.250 hey, I told you guys, slow down. Stop in here. 00:22:18.309 --> 00:22:20.109 Do not run through the living room while we're 00:22:20.109 --> 00:22:22.289 talking. You don't mean it at all. Three minutes 00:22:22.289 --> 00:22:24.680 later, here they come again, right? And then 00:22:24.680 --> 00:22:26.900 pretty soon, like the number four time, you do 00:22:26.900 --> 00:22:28.319 something like this that embarrasses you in front 00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:30.900 of your friends. Hey, what in the blank did I 00:22:30.900 --> 00:22:33.640 say? I said stop right now. And then you realize, 00:22:33.779 --> 00:22:36.039 oh my, I am embarrassing myself and this is not 00:22:36.039 --> 00:22:39.900 really a good moment. See, say what you mean. 00:22:41.099 --> 00:22:45.799 If you don't, hey, stop. I know you guys haven't 00:22:45.799 --> 00:22:47.259 seen each other and you really like each other. 00:22:47.640 --> 00:22:50.339 You can go outside right now, run all you want. 00:22:50.700 --> 00:22:54.240 Okay, listen. If you run through here again, 00:22:54.539 --> 00:22:59.039 seven -minute timeout. And then eye contact. 00:22:59.400 --> 00:23:04.299 Do you understand? Now, what are they going to 00:23:04.299 --> 00:23:06.380 do? They're going to run through one more time, 00:23:06.440 --> 00:23:09.740 correct? So your game face comes on, and boom, 00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:13.779 here they go, stop. And hey, it takes time. You 00:23:13.779 --> 00:23:15.480 sit them down, and hopefully the seven -minute 00:23:15.480 --> 00:23:19.359 works. Say no firmly. Second, clear warning of 00:23:19.359 --> 00:23:22.450 consequences. I tried to model that. Let them 00:23:22.450 --> 00:23:25.069 know. I mean, kids are kids. Let them be kids, 00:23:25.190 --> 00:23:28.509 but warn them. This is going to happen if you 00:23:28.509 --> 00:23:31.269 don't do this or that, right? Give them a clear 00:23:31.269 --> 00:23:33.490 warning and get there. Don't make a clear warning. 00:23:33.589 --> 00:23:34.710 Hey, if you do that again, you're going to be 00:23:34.710 --> 00:23:38.230 in trouble. No, stop them. Look them in the eye. 00:23:38.349 --> 00:23:43.089 Third, use contracts. You know, they don't do 00:23:43.089 --> 00:23:44.930 their chores. They're disrespectful. They won't 00:23:44.930 --> 00:23:46.230 do their homework. They're hanging out with the 00:23:46.230 --> 00:23:49.779 wrong people. They beat up their brother or sister. 00:23:50.079 --> 00:23:53.579 I mean, right? It's like they're not responsible. 00:23:53.799 --> 00:23:55.920 They won't do this. I mean, there's only like 00:23:55.920 --> 00:23:58.480 four or five major things that any kid messes 00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:01.299 up with. And what happens, you get into these 00:24:01.299 --> 00:24:05.420 wars all the time. Stop the wars. When you're 00:24:05.420 --> 00:24:07.779 not upset, when it's not, they haven't done something 00:24:07.779 --> 00:24:09.480 wrong, it's like you have a good time, maybe 00:24:09.480 --> 00:24:11.319 it's after a meal, you go out for a Coke, whatever 00:24:11.319 --> 00:24:13.500 you do, and then you come and you say, you know 00:24:13.500 --> 00:24:15.880 something? We've been battling one another. I 00:24:15.880 --> 00:24:17.960 love you too much. I remember sitting down and 00:24:17.960 --> 00:24:20.480 doing this. You know, this is just no fun. I 00:24:20.480 --> 00:24:22.380 mean, I love you. You're so fun to be around. 00:24:22.500 --> 00:24:24.640 But we keep arguing about you don't do your schoolwork. 00:24:24.839 --> 00:24:26.940 Or, you know, my one son, you just keep beating 00:24:26.940 --> 00:24:28.680 up your brother every time we leave. And the 00:24:28.680 --> 00:24:30.680 hole in the wall just is not really good. And 00:24:30.680 --> 00:24:35.339 true story. And so I said, okay, let's just list 00:24:35.339 --> 00:24:37.059 the things that are a problem on the left side. 00:24:37.539 --> 00:24:39.200 And then, you know, I've tried everything. It's 00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:42.160 not working. So here's a column that says consequences 00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:45.819 that are negative. You tell me if you do this, 00:24:45.940 --> 00:24:49.180 what negative consequence would really help you 00:24:49.180 --> 00:24:51.440 obey? What would help you learn? And then, by 00:24:51.440 --> 00:24:53.680 the way, here's the next column, positive consequence. 00:24:53.779 --> 00:24:55.960 Like if you really like obeyed in that area for 00:24:55.960 --> 00:24:58.039 X amount of time, what would be a good perk? 00:24:58.140 --> 00:24:59.700 I mean, what would just say, hey, man, that's 00:24:59.700 --> 00:25:02.039 worth, okay. And we just went through the four 00:25:02.039 --> 00:25:04.700 or five things and I had him write it down. And, 00:25:04.740 --> 00:25:06.339 you know, I remember he said, oh, well. If I 00:25:06.339 --> 00:25:08.400 was like grounded from basketball practice for 00:25:08.400 --> 00:25:10.720 two days. Okay, we'll write that one down. Well, 00:25:11.380 --> 00:25:13.259 of course. Now, by the way, anytime you do this, 00:25:13.319 --> 00:25:15.700 they test it. You know why? They're like you. 00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:18.839 It's like Adam and Eve. Do not do this. Okay, 00:25:18.980 --> 00:25:22.140 right? It's part of the human condition. And 00:25:22.140 --> 00:25:24.059 so, of course, he wrote them down. I wrote them 00:25:24.059 --> 00:25:27.880 down. It's a contract. He does it. He's gonna 00:25:27.880 --> 00:25:29.440 miss basketball practice, and then he's, dad, 00:25:29.779 --> 00:25:31.720 you can't do this to me. I worked all summer. 00:25:31.839 --> 00:25:33.500 I lifted weights. I practiced. I finally made 00:25:33.500 --> 00:25:36.039 the first team. I'm gonna start next Friday night. 00:25:36.200 --> 00:25:38.359 If I miss these two practices, I won't start. 00:25:38.559 --> 00:25:42.920 How could you do this to me? Now I'm very calm. 00:25:43.700 --> 00:25:47.000 I said, oh, son, this is not, I'm not doing anything. 00:25:47.299 --> 00:25:50.500 This, the contract that we made, and I signed 00:25:50.500 --> 00:25:54.200 it here, and you signed it there, and you know 00:25:54.200 --> 00:25:57.309 something? I'm so bummed out. I was so forward 00:25:57.309 --> 00:25:59.109 -looking to you start. I just watched your hard 00:25:59.109 --> 00:26:04.990 work, and boy, I am so sad. But this is your 00:26:04.990 --> 00:26:07.809 contract. You get to own your responsibility. 00:26:09.289 --> 00:26:13.309 Do you see the difference? So you get out of 00:26:13.309 --> 00:26:16.910 this arguing drama, and I had a lady come up 00:26:16.910 --> 00:26:18.829 with three boys. They're the most wonderful boys, 00:26:18.950 --> 00:26:21.210 but she gave me her top three problems, or top 00:26:21.210 --> 00:26:23.750 three or four of everyone. Sit down, write a 00:26:23.750 --> 00:26:25.390 contract with them. And they were like, you know, 00:26:25.390 --> 00:26:27.089 teenagers and one younger one. And they kind 00:26:27.089 --> 00:26:29.490 of, yeah, we'd do that. But just sit down and 00:26:29.490 --> 00:26:32.329 use a contract. Finally, use consequences. I'll 00:26:32.329 --> 00:26:35.869 have now and then have someone say, you can't 00:26:35.869 --> 00:26:37.950 believe it. My daughter is completely out of 00:26:37.950 --> 00:26:39.890 control. She doesn't come in at night. She's 00:26:39.890 --> 00:26:41.809 drinking. I know there's marijuana we found. 00:26:42.109 --> 00:26:44.309 She's dating a boy that is totally outside the 00:26:44.309 --> 00:26:46.329 bounds. She's 15 years old. We don't know what 00:26:46.329 --> 00:26:48.789 to do. We've been to counseling. I'm powerless. 00:26:48.970 --> 00:26:51.950 What do I do? And I'm not the greatest counselor 00:26:51.950 --> 00:26:53.849 at all, and that's why I don't do much of it. 00:26:54.049 --> 00:26:58.289 And you all think I'm joking. I'm not. But here's 00:26:58.289 --> 00:27:01.410 my response. I said, oh, wow, you're powerless? 00:27:02.170 --> 00:27:08.029 Yes, what can I do? I said, well, like, does 00:27:08.029 --> 00:27:12.009 she drive at all? Well, yeah. So, man, 15, 16, 00:27:12.109 --> 00:27:16.269 so did she buy the car? No, it's ours. Oh, well, 00:27:16.289 --> 00:27:19.369 who pays for the gas? Well, we do. Who pays for 00:27:19.369 --> 00:27:23.950 the insurance? Well, we do. Oh, wow. Does she 00:27:23.950 --> 00:27:26.289 have a phone? Yeah. Who pays for that? We do. 00:27:27.210 --> 00:27:30.569 Oh. And I just went through and I started asking 00:27:30.569 --> 00:27:33.450 her questions. So you're powerless? Does she 00:27:33.450 --> 00:27:35.910 have an outside job to eat food in your house? 00:27:36.009 --> 00:27:41.529 And does she rent the room? I said, excuse me, 00:27:41.549 --> 00:27:46.809 you hold all the cards. And eliminate the drama. 00:27:47.490 --> 00:27:50.119 Here's one or two very clear boundaries. The 00:27:50.119 --> 00:27:52.359 next time this happens, by the way, in fact, 00:27:52.480 --> 00:27:56.200 the car is gone. This is gone. We'll start with 00:27:56.200 --> 00:27:58.740 this one. And you just begin through the velvet 00:27:58.740 --> 00:28:03.700 vice of love. And you'd be the parent. And by 00:28:03.700 --> 00:28:06.039 the way, I got to the point with one of my sons 00:28:06.039 --> 00:28:08.160 where I did all that because some of you are 00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:10.720 thinking, well, they might just opt out. I got 00:28:10.720 --> 00:28:13.400 where 17 and a half years old, tears down my 00:28:13.400 --> 00:28:16.319 face and tears down his face. I wish you weren't 00:28:16.319 --> 00:28:20.019 a Christian dad. No rules. You can't tell me 00:28:20.019 --> 00:28:22.880 anything. I said, and don't do this unless you've 00:28:22.880 --> 00:28:24.440 prayed it through, gotten good counsel from a 00:28:24.440 --> 00:28:26.460 counselor and probably a pastor and thought through. 00:28:26.619 --> 00:28:28.480 But you know, you've tried everything. And I 00:28:28.480 --> 00:28:30.279 remember sitting in front of the car in front 00:28:30.279 --> 00:28:32.059 of my house said, you're destroying our marriage. 00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:35.299 You're destroying our home. You're 17 and a half 00:28:35.299 --> 00:28:37.980 years old. If you're a man enough now to get 00:28:37.980 --> 00:28:40.859 a job, find a place to live and figure out what 00:28:40.859 --> 00:28:44.400 you're going to do for food, then I can't teach 00:28:44.400 --> 00:28:50.450 you. So you got 48 hours. You don't have to believe 00:28:50.450 --> 00:28:53.730 anything I believe. But I will tell you this, 00:28:53.809 --> 00:28:56.230 either you come and have a good attitude and 00:28:56.230 --> 00:28:59.930 stop ruining our family, or you find a place 00:28:59.930 --> 00:29:03.670 to live. And I wasn't bluffing, and he knew it. 00:29:04.690 --> 00:29:08.789 And I was crying. And later he came back and 00:29:08.789 --> 00:29:10.809 he said, you know, dad, it wasn't all the discipline. 00:29:10.990 --> 00:29:13.950 He said, when you and mom cried, I realized how 00:29:13.950 --> 00:29:16.849 precious and real Jesus is to you. I went in 00:29:16.849 --> 00:29:19.809 my bedroom for 48 hours, realized a lot of it 00:29:19.809 --> 00:29:22.430 was just my pure rebellion. And part of it was 00:29:22.430 --> 00:29:24.170 you pushed my buttons, dad, and I pushed yours. 00:29:25.890 --> 00:29:28.269 But he said, God really spoke to me. He came 00:29:28.269 --> 00:29:29.930 out of the room and I was just, I was waiting 00:29:29.930 --> 00:29:32.029 for this, you know, the second shoe to drop, 00:29:32.130 --> 00:29:34.089 you know, like he was a manipulator. It seems 00:29:34.089 --> 00:29:38.500 like rebellious kids are very smart. And then 00:29:38.500 --> 00:29:41.599 we watched a complete change. I want to give 00:29:41.599 --> 00:29:44.619 parents hope here. God can do anything. Two of 00:29:44.619 --> 00:29:46.980 the three songs we sang, this kid wrote them. 00:29:47.259 --> 00:29:49.819 And they're sung all over the world. My prayer 00:29:49.819 --> 00:29:53.099 wasn't that he write songs. My prayer was, oh 00:29:53.099 --> 00:29:55.039 God, keep him out of the ditch. Oh God, help 00:29:55.039 --> 00:29:57.019 him not do something so stupid that he's going 00:29:57.019 --> 00:30:00.130 to ruin the rest of his life. But all I can do 00:30:00.130 --> 00:30:02.789 is set a boundary over here and say, you know 00:30:02.789 --> 00:30:04.970 what? In our house, you can't treat people that 00:30:04.970 --> 00:30:07.509 way. And over here, no matter what you do, I'm 00:30:07.509 --> 00:30:11.470 going to love you. And is it hard? It's excruciatingly 00:30:11.470 --> 00:30:14.990 hard. All discipline for the moment seems not 00:30:14.990 --> 00:30:18.609 to be joyful but sorrowful. But after they've 00:30:18.609 --> 00:30:20.670 been trained by it, it yields a peaceful fruit 00:30:20.670 --> 00:30:24.250 of righteousness. On the back page, I've given 00:30:24.250 --> 00:30:27.210 you a game plan. It's pretty self -explanatory. 00:30:28.839 --> 00:30:32.259 Here's some pitfalls to avoid. I mean, we've 00:30:32.259 --> 00:30:34.400 all done these, right? The screaming parent. 00:30:35.019 --> 00:30:36.980 The all talk. You know, you have a good talk 00:30:36.980 --> 00:30:39.200 or nagging, nagging, nagging that's not working. 00:30:39.940 --> 00:30:42.740 I just put this abusive parent. If you're striking 00:30:42.740 --> 00:30:44.619 your child or you're out of control, get help. 00:30:45.700 --> 00:30:47.980 The closed -lipped parent is just the passivity 00:30:47.980 --> 00:30:51.640 of you just think this is going to go away. When 00:30:51.640 --> 00:30:54.960 you don't address stuff, your kid's heart is 00:30:54.960 --> 00:30:58.099 telling him you don't care. And then finally, 00:30:58.140 --> 00:31:00.160 the light bulb parent is, you know, it's totally 00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:03.099 inconsistent. You know, this really, really matters 00:31:03.099 --> 00:31:05.960 on Monday and on Friday. You don't care. The 00:31:05.960 --> 00:31:08.980 game plan is just simple. Identify the top two 00:31:08.980 --> 00:31:10.859 behavior problems. Don't try and tackle everything. 00:31:11.220 --> 00:31:13.500 Just what are the top one or two things that 00:31:13.500 --> 00:31:16.319 are just making you crazy and making your kid 00:31:16.319 --> 00:31:19.259 crazy? And then honestly evaluate. I mean, go 00:31:19.259 --> 00:31:21.900 back to the first page and ask yourself honestly, 00:31:22.039 --> 00:31:24.880 which one of those? Where do I lean? Where do 00:31:24.880 --> 00:31:27.440 I need to address some issues? Many times when 00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:29.000 my kids were disobeying, what I realized was 00:31:29.000 --> 00:31:31.960 I wanted to blame them. The problem was me. I 00:31:31.960 --> 00:31:35.019 was inconsistent. I wasn't avoiding some of those 00:31:35.019 --> 00:31:38.039 pitfalls. And then third, have a family conference. 00:31:38.380 --> 00:31:41.980 You sit down, and often you start it with, you 00:31:41.980 --> 00:31:44.619 know something, I've not been the dad I needed 00:31:44.619 --> 00:31:47.440 to be, or inconsistent, or I didn't do this. 00:31:47.579 --> 00:31:50.140 But I want you to know, here's the top two issues. 00:31:50.400 --> 00:31:53.259 Here's the plan. Here's the consequences. I love 00:31:53.259 --> 00:31:54.599 you. This is how we're going to move forward. 00:31:54.759 --> 00:31:59.420 And then strap it on. They will test you. And 00:31:59.420 --> 00:32:02.500 you need to win. And then finally, sit down and 00:32:02.500 --> 00:32:05.440 set some goals together and ask God to work in 00:32:05.440 --> 00:32:11.980 a powerful way. He will. There's hope. You're 00:32:11.980 --> 00:32:14.539 listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:32:14.599 --> 00:32:17.279 And the message you just heard, how to discipline 00:32:17.279 --> 00:32:20.539 your child effectively, is from our series, Uninvited 00:32:20.539 --> 00:32:23.440 Guests. Chip will join us in studio to share 00:32:23.440 --> 00:32:26.039 some insights from today's talk in just a minute. 00:32:26.599 --> 00:32:29.420 We've all heard it said that raising kids isn't 00:32:29.420 --> 00:32:32.420 for the faint of heart. Every parent can attest 00:32:32.420 --> 00:32:34.900 that it can be deeply encouraging and life -giving 00:32:34.900 --> 00:32:37.819 one moment and want to pull out your hair frustrating 00:32:37.819 --> 00:32:41.279 the next. And those emotional ups and downs don't 00:32:41.279 --> 00:32:43.640 include the external challenges and pressures 00:32:43.640 --> 00:32:47.210 that kids, moms, and dads face every day. For 00:32:47.210 --> 00:32:49.289 the past couple of messages, Chip highlighted 00:32:49.289 --> 00:32:52.190 biblical principles for moms and dads to navigate 00:32:52.190 --> 00:32:55.450 the complexities of raising kids in today's world. 00:32:55.670 --> 00:32:58.670 We hope you were encouraged and motivated wherever 00:32:58.670 --> 00:33:01.269 you are in your parenting journey. If you've 00:33:01.269 --> 00:33:04.509 missed any part of this series, catch up at livingontheedge 00:33:04.509 --> 00:33:08.920 .org or wherever you listen to podcasts. Well, 00:33:08.940 --> 00:33:11.119 Chip's with me in studio now, and Chip, your 00:33:11.119 --> 00:33:13.660 mentor, Howard Hendricks, once said that the 00:33:13.660 --> 00:33:17.519 family is the cornerstone of society. So what 00:33:17.519 --> 00:33:19.660 are we doing as a ministry to address all the 00:33:19.660 --> 00:33:22.240 chaos and dysfunction hurting families today? 00:33:22.759 --> 00:33:24.720 Well, Dave, really, the answer to that is pretty 00:33:24.720 --> 00:33:27.680 easy. When you see the discipleship deficit, 00:33:27.960 --> 00:33:31.500 it all begins with the family. And if families 00:33:31.500 --> 00:33:33.700 are going to be strong, that begins with a strong 00:33:33.700 --> 00:33:36.619 marriage of a husband and a wife who understand 00:33:36.619 --> 00:33:38.920 they're being bombarded each and every day with 00:33:38.920 --> 00:33:41.740 lies about what makes a great relationship. And 00:33:41.740 --> 00:33:44.640 so we've created some brand new resources that 00:33:44.640 --> 00:33:47.039 aren't a big book you have to read or a seminar 00:33:47.039 --> 00:33:49.720 you need to go to, but something to put on your 00:33:49.720 --> 00:33:52.940 nightstand that day by day, it could really transform 00:33:52.940 --> 00:33:54.940 your thinking and as a result, your marriage. 00:33:55.160 --> 00:33:58.220 We're calling them Marriage That Works Truth 00:33:58.220 --> 00:34:01.380 Cards. And during this series, we're doing something 00:34:01.380 --> 00:34:04.680 really radical. For those who choose to become 00:34:04.680 --> 00:34:07.559 monthly partners, we want to give you Marriage 00:34:07.559 --> 00:34:10.199 That Works Truth Cards as a way to say thanks. 00:34:10.500 --> 00:34:13.500 So today, would you consider being a financial 00:34:13.500 --> 00:34:16.679 partner to help us to repair and to strengthen 00:34:16.679 --> 00:34:19.559 marriages? Great challenge, Chip. And please 00:34:19.559 --> 00:34:22.340 know how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your 00:34:22.340 --> 00:34:25.380 regular support allows us to plan our next steps 00:34:25.380 --> 00:34:28.340 as a ministry and be ready to walk through doors 00:34:28.340 --> 00:34:31.449 that God opens for us. And as Chip said during 00:34:31.449 --> 00:34:34.269 this entire series, if you become a monthly financial 00:34:34.269 --> 00:34:36.969 partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you 00:34:36.969 --> 00:34:39.369 our newest resource, the Marriage That Works 00:34:39.369 --> 00:34:42.429 Truth Cards, as our thank you. Learn more by 00:34:42.429 --> 00:34:46.010 going to livingontheedge .org or by calling 888 00:34:46.010 --> 00:34:53.750 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888 -333 -6003 or visit 00:34:53.750 --> 00:34:58.309 livingontheedge .org. App listeners, tap donate. 00:34:58.889 --> 00:35:01.110 Well, until next time, this is Dave Drewy saying 00:35:01.110 --> 00:35:03.449 thanks for listening to this edition of Living 00:35:03.449 --> 00:35:04.250 on the Edge.