Whenever I teach on parenting, can you guess
what topic is the most asked for? You got it,
discipline. In fact, parents say, how in the
world can I get my kid to mind without losing
mine? And discipline is one of those tricky areas.
Some people are too hard, some people are too
soft. God has a plan, and I want to share it
with you today. Welcome to this edition of Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission of
this daily program is to intentionally disciple
Christians through the insightful Bible teaching
of Chip Engler. And as he teased, today he's
tackling the critical role moms and dads play
in disciplining and setting healthy boundaries
for their kids. But what do you do with that
strong -willed child who seems to test every
limit? And how do you discipline your kids without
being painted as the bad guy? Well, that's what
Chip's going to unpack for us right now. So if
you're ready, here's Chip with his talk, How
to Discipline Your Child Effectively. You know,
when you get around the table and you start talking
to brothers and sisters, if you've grown up,
or in my case, I have grown kids, you talk about,
you know, in my case, how I discipline them.
It is a lot of laughs. I mean, you really do
laugh at the crazy things you did as a parent,
and then you find out all the crazy things your
kids did that you didn't even know about. But
I will tell you, when you're in the midst of
disciplining and raising your kids, it isn't
funny at all. The biggest heartbreaks and the
biggest heartaches I've ever had in my life was
over issues with my kids and feeling like a failure
or feeling like I didn't know what to do or being
paralyzed by fear at some choices I saw them
making. The biggest arguments I've ever had in
my marriage were around how we should discipline
our kids. We have one person that tends to be
overly strict and one that tends to be overly
passive, and meeting in the middle is hard. We're
going to talk about how to effectively discipline
your kids, and I'm not sure there's anything
more important for the sake of your children
than that. If you'll pull out your notes, I want
to give you two case studies to get us going.
Case study number one is called the Ruben Hill,
Minnesota Report. An empirical study with thousands
of teenagers over a period of time to determine
what kind of parenting styles produce what kind
of children. We all have a parenting style. In
order to do this, they created a X and Y axis,
you know, horizontal axis and a vertical axis.
The X axis or the horizontal axis from zero to
100, zero being very low on discipline or control,
100 being very high on control. The Y or vertical
axis, the zero at the bottom would be unloving,
unaffirming, literally giving nothing to your
kids. And then 100 would be maybe over the top
loving. You know, this is the parent that...
Kisses their children 72 times, walks out the
door and goes, I knew it should have been 73
before they go to bed. And so what that produces
is four very clear quadrants of a parenting style.
And each of these quadrants produce, in general,
a very predictable kind of response from kids.
Quadrant number one I call the permissive parent.
These are parents that are very fearful. They
don't want to disappoint their kids. Parent in
such a way that they're so afraid they're going
to maybe damage their children's psyche or they're
fearful that they will be rejected. And the result
is children with low self -esteem and inferiority.
Parents who, for all the right motives, are very
permissive, create kids that don't like themselves
very well and that are very insecure. The second
quadrant are those that are very low on discipline
and then also low on love. This is like the worst
of all cases. This is the neglectful parent.
They're preoccupied with business or work or
TV or social activities or church, or more often
they find themselves in an addiction or in a
very nasty divorce. And basically through multiple
circumstances, they're very unloving. very permissive,
and there's no boundaries, there's no affirmation,
and most of these kids find themselves in a counseling
room somewhere trying to work through the very
painful issues of, I didn't matter, I wasn't
loved, I was estranged. They have no relationship
with their parents. They basically live a life
that says, I never want to be like my parents,
and how could anyone, let alone God, love me,
because my parents didn't. Quadrant number three
is the authoritarian parent. This is the parent
that ends up with a fighting lifestyle with their
child. This is sort of the Nazi parent. This
is the person that is low on love but very high
control. And so it's sort of like these parents,
they don't just win the wars, they win every
single battle. This is at the table when you
mildly roll your, I saw you roll your eyes. Don't
you do that. You rebellious little child. You
go to your room right now. You didn't clean up
your plate. And, you know, like the kids are
like, I can never measure up. The bar is so high.
The intensity is always up. They get the structure,
but they don't feel the love, and there's not
an atmosphere of you're accepted even when you
blow it. These kids very predictably rebel. They
sort of have this silent little meter inside
that goes, I can't wait to get out of this house
and my super high control parents will not control
me later. The fourth quadrant in the study was
the authoritative parents. They had a fellowshipping
style. Interestingly, they were very high in
control. These were strict parents, but they
were very high in love. They communicated to
the kids, you matter. That behavior isn't acceptable.
The boundaries are clear. The rules are very
clear. But it was a fun, fellowshipping, encouraging,
highly invested, and it produces kids with high
self -image, great coping skills, and a good
relationship with their parents with lots of
ups and downs along the way. So if you could
choose one style of parenting, which one would
you like to be? Notice at the bottom, this balanced,
authoritative, high love. and high on discipline,
produced children with high self -esteem, excellent
coping skills, and a positive relationship with
their parents. Some of you may have not been
around for the very first message, but we said
that kids have two primary needs, significance
and security. We said that the way they feel
significant is when we love them, we affirm them,
we treat them as special, we value them regardless
of their behavior. We said the way they experience
security is we set very clear boundaries and
we're consistent and enforce them. Isn't it interesting
when someone does a sociological study over time
with thousands of parents and teenagers, they
find, aha, what produces great kids with great
coping skills, with high self -esteem that make
their own decisions are parents that are high
on love and high on discipline. Now, I'd like
before we go on, because most of us would like
to just sort of drift and think, well, you know,
I'm pretty much a four. Right? No one wants to
be neglectful. But what I'd like you to do is
I'm going to guess that you have tendencies.
Okay? So you're probably all fours. But what
I'd like you to do is think, if you err on the
side of being a little too permissive or being
a little too strict, which would it be? just
so that you can listen for what God may want
to speak to you. Turn the page, if you will.
Study number two is right from the Bible. Any
time from Scripture we have God parenting us
as his spiritual children and giving us clear
guidelines about what discipline is, why it matters,
and how to do it, we ought to pay attention.
The book of Hebrews is written during a time
of persecution. It's written to a mixed group
of Christians and non -Christians. And under
the persecution and difficulty, although they
started well, were obeying God, well, right now
it's getting kind of tough and they're drifting.
A lot like our kids do, right? They know what's
right to do, but they're not doing it. And so
God brings, I call it the velvet vice of discipline.
He brings consequences in their life to get their
attention, to get them back on the right path
for the right reason. Follow along as I read
this case study. It was written in about AD 66
or 70. It's written to Jewish Christians and
a mixed audience. And the introduction is, in
your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted
to the point of shedding your blood. And have
you forgotten that word of encouragement that
addresses you as sons? In other words, it is
difficult. You haven't been martyred yet. It's
really hard. And then he's going to quote Proverbs
3. My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline.
And do not lose heart when he rebukes you because
the Lord disciplines those he loves and he chastens
everyone he accepts as a son. And now he gives
the instruction. Endure hardship as discipline.
God is treating you as sons. In other words,
don't chafe against the difficult circumstances
in your life except this is God's discipline.
For what son is not disciplined by his father?
If you're not disciplined and everyone who undergoes
discipline, It's true. Then you're an illegitimate
child and not true sons. Moreover, we've all
had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected
them for it. How much more should we submit to
the Father of our spirits and live? And then
it gives just an illustration that they would
all kind of lean back and say, well, that's true.
Our human fathers disciplined us for a little
while as they thought best. But God disciplines
us for our good. that we may share in his holiness.
God disciplines us for our good that we might
share in his holiness. There's a clear target
on the wall. He wants to make us like his son.
He wants to make us like Christ. He wants to
make us whole. He wants to bring out the best
in our life and through our life. And then he
gives us sort of a summary axiomatic principle
about discipline. No discipline seems pleasant
at the time, but painful. Later on, however,
it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace
for those who have been trained by it. Circle
the word trained. It's a process. When God is
a part of disciplining your life, he uses adversity
and difficulty and health issues and financial
issues and circumstances and stock market drops.
He uses things that you can't control. But he's
your heavenly father, and he wants to use those
things to discipline or align your life so that
you get the very best. I'm going to ask you to
do one thing on your notes, if you will, up on
the top where it says, my son, do not make light
of the Lord's discipline. Would you put a line
right through discipline and write the word action?
It's an interesting word. It's yassar. And we
translate the word discipline, and then he uses
the same word in English, discipline and rebuke.
But this word is action. God uses certain actions
to bring about desired behavior. Later on, he
says he rebukes you. That's a different Hebrew
word. It's yacheg. And this is words. So I just
want you to put action and words. Because what
you're going to see is all through the Old Testament,
all through the wisdom literature, here's what
God's plan is. Discipline isn't like just painful
things you go through. Discipline is the process.
by which God uses actions or consequences along
with very specific words and instructions to
bring about the very best. This is Living on
the Edge with Chip Ingram, and Chip will be back
to finish today's message in just a minute. But
let me first gently ask you, is your marriage
in trouble right now? Do you and your mate need
a practical biblical tool to revive and transform
your relationship? Well, we've developed a brand
new resource designed to do just that. So stick
around after the teaching to hear about this
practical way we are encouraging couples. Until
then, here again is Chip to continue our series,
Uninvited Guests. Now I want to spend most of
our time in the practical side of this. And so
let me just walk through what I think is a summary
of this passage and then the points of the passage
so we can get to, okay, how do we practice it?
Because I think discipline for many, it's like
a dirty word. It's like... or we have a picture
of someone doing terrible things to little people
to make them obey. This is the biblical view
of discipline. It's teaching obedience to God
and his word. How? Through consistent consequences,
actions, and clear instructions, words, in an
atmosphere of love. Okay, you look at it. I'm
gonna read it again. I want you to get, this
is discipline. Regardless of what your parents
did, regardless of what the media says, regardless
of what you've heard, whatever emotional baggage,
discipline is teaching obedience to God. Why?
In his word, so your kids get the very best.
How do you do it? Through consistent actions,
through clear instruction in an atmosphere of
love. And so, well, why? The necessity of discipline
is to deter destruction. Undisciplined children,
undisciplined children of God, they destroy themselves.
I mean, we watch kids. We incarcerate more children
in this country than any country in the world.
We have more people in prisons than any place
in the world. We have a culture in America that
is very undisciplined, that doesn't respect authority.
And you know what? If you don't discipline your
kids, just lock on. Someone will someday. Right?
How many of our kids have, you know, they were
really struggling, and they went into the military,
and what happened? Structure, discipline, expectations,
and they hated it. Like, I've never had anyone
go, boot camp. Man, I went into the Marines.
Boot camp was awesome. What did I tell you? I
hated it. And then what do they tell you? I'm
a man. I own my own responsibility. I get up
on time. I clean my own boots. I watch my brother.
He's got my back. I got his back. We're a team.
This isn't about me, right? Sometimes it's not
the military. Sometimes it's the juvenile hall.
Later, it's a prison. And you know, the recidivism,
the reason why so many people, after they're
in prison, They've never learned discipline.
It provides structure. I've had a lot of inmates
tell me, I'm scared to death. I almost don't
want to come out because I know how to live here.
You eat at this time. You do this. There's structure.
There's consequences. When I get out, I don't
know how to do that. And I just find myself with
the wrong people doing the same thing, repeating
the same behavior. About 70 % or more of all
people that come out of prison go right back.
So we're talking about a pretty serious topic.
You want your kids. to have self -discipline,
to learn to say no to short -term attraction
and endure short -term pain to get long -term
gain. Secondly, the means of discipline are actions
and words. So all we're going to learn about
is for your kids as a parent or grandparent,
what actions or consequences and what words do
you use to align them to keep them on the right
path? Third, the motive of discipline is not
to punish or make them feel bad. It's to express
love. What's the whole passage? Endure hardship.
God is treating you as sons. If he doesn't discipline
you, you're illegitimate and you're not even
loved. I did one of my theses and for some graduate
work I did and I had to do all these studies
and I was just shocked because a lot of them
came out of, you know, interviews with juvenile
delinquents. And in all the studies, these are
juvenile delinquents. These are people that are
incarcerated, and they'd ask on survey after
survey, how did you know your parents loved you
or didn't love you? And among the top two responses
among juvenile delinquents were, when my parents
disciplined me, I knew they loved me. And you
know what? When they didn't, they didn't give
a rip. They didn't care. Now, your kids are never
going to tell you that, by the way. Their kids
are going to buck you. Why can't I do that? I
want to do everything I want. But they desperately
long in their soul for that security, that consistency.
But so it's to express love. The goal of discipline
is to teach obedience. It's not just to make
them a happy camper. You want them to learn to
obey, to submit. And by the way, the whole idea
of submission is usually if you want to do it,
it's not submitting. It's learning to do what
you really don't want to do by faith, thinking
this is really better for me. And don't they
learn that in sports? You know what? It's August
and we're going to do two -a -days. Coach, I
love to run line drills. I love doing two -a
-days. We're going to bust it, bust it, bust
it. Why? Because they're learning to endure the
pain now so for the fourth quarter later. Or,
you know, they go and they want to be a musician
and they want to play like this and the piano
teacher goes, do the scales. I know how to do
scales. I want to get to the fun. If you don't
discipline yourself and do scales so you can
do it backwards and forwards, you can never,
right? Short -term pain, going into training
so that something happens a bit later. It's for
the good, for the higher good. The result of
discipline is, you can fill this one in, can't
you? Short -term pain that produces long -term
gain. I want to give you a physical picture of
this, and then I want you to think with me because
this is hard, okay? Can we just go into this
like this is really, really hard. When you make
your kids, through words and consequences, do
what they don't want to do. When they're real
little, they do things like this. And I don't
know about you, when my kids did that to me,
I felt like a terrible parent. When they get
older, they do this. When they get a little bit
older, they slam the door. You don't love me.
Why don't you trust me? And everything in you
wants to give them what they want instead of
what they need because it brings initial peace
for the moment. So most of us are willing to
trade short -term peace for long -term pain.
But what a parent does and what God does is he
teaches us to endure short -term pain to get
long -term gain. Now, you're going to have to
do this in their social relationships. You're
going to have to do this in what they watch.
You're going to have to do this with their friendships.
You're going to have to do it in their spiritual
development. You have to do it in their physical
development. But it's kind of hard to see, so
I'm going to give you a picture just in the very
simple physical realm so you can say, oh, I get
it. It makes sense. And then I'll have a little
application for you. My dad was a really good
athlete, and so part of learning every sport
was sort of what he taught me. When something
broke, he picked up the phone. Is there a repairman?
Because that was his idea of anything. He couldn't
fix anything. And that genetic gift was passed
on to me. My dad could shoot a basketball. He
was on a football scholarship. He won the state
of Virginia in Golden Gloves. He was just an
amazing athlete, and so I learned all this kind
of stuff, and then I became a Christian, and
I had this amazing opportunity to marry this
great woman, and I got to adopt these two little
boys, and I had no idea how to be a good dad,
and I was so conscious about being a good dad,
and we had devotional times, and I'm reading
them Bible stories, and then I've got about six,
seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 years under my belt,
They're in sixth grade, and these two older boys
are ready to go into junior high. And I felt
like, you know, I'm struggling, but I'm trying
to be a good dad. And so we were down on the
floor or something. I said, hey, guys. Hey, Jason,
Eric, how you doing? How many push -ups can you
do? And Jason was sort of that little sort of
chubby season that you have sometimes at about
12 years old, and he could do one. And Eric was
thinner, quite thinner. He could do three. And
I thought. Remember, guys, any of you remember
what junior high was like? Remember what junior
high locker rooms were like? Remember your first
shower in junior high? Remember when you did
sports in junior high? And all of a sudden, this
picture was, I'm the worst father in the whole
world. They're going to go to junior high. They're
going to get killed. I mean, they're going to
get massacred. Man, I've been so concerned about
their spiritual development, their relational
development. I mean, I've been asleep on the
job. So being the loving, kind, zealous father
who always has a great process, who brings things
into being, it's all a lie. I said to them, guys,
tomorrow morning, we've got to dress this, 6
a .m. Dad, what are you, kidding me? Yeah, we'll
do push -ups and sit -ups every morning for the
next three months. I mean, they didn't more than
roll their eyes. Are you kidding me? I mean,
dad, give me a break. No, no. And, you know,
this was not like, hey, here's an idea. What
do you think, guys? I'll see you at 6 a .m. Set
your alarms. Oh, Dad. So they get up, you know,
and okay, here we go. Come on, guys. Let's go.
Let's go. Jason, come on. Come on, let's go.
Come on, come on. Okay, look, son. And so, you
know, like after a week, you know, he's up to
three and he's up to five. And three weeks later,
he's got 20 and the other's got 10. Two months
later, they're ripping off 40 and 50. Three months
later, they're watching their bodies change.
Four months later, they are at a garage sale,
find a bar and a bench press. Five months later,
they're in the garage pumping iron. They look
like different boys, and they walk into junior
high as men prepared for what they're going to
have to face. Now, here's what you need to know.
Their dad's a jerk. I mean, you know, sometimes
they whisper, he's a jerk, he's a jerk. Eric,
can you believe this man? I mean, it was a very
loud whisper, to which they got. Sorry, Dad.
I was a complete jerk. Every morning, hold their
feet, push up, push up, then sit up, sit up.
And I did them with them. Let me ask you a question.
You willing to be a jerk? My one son, who was
a little chibi one, he really struggled in a
lot of areas, but that became his outlet. I remember
later when he got older, He said, Dad, do you
want to go lift with me? And I said, sure. He
was bench -passionate, like 280, 300. And then,
it's your turn, Dad. And they take off all the
weights. Here, I'll help you, you know. And he
ended up with a broken hand. I think he won the
CCL in wrestling. And it was where all these
deep issues and issues in his heart, he was trying
to figure out, listen carefully. you need to
be willing to be a jerk and say, you can't date
that boy. You can't date that girl. You can't
go to that movie. I love you too much. No, we're
not going to play three different sports and
have our whole family in a minivan every night
because everyone else gets to. No, this is what
we're going to do. Yes. Tell you what, we're
going to sit around the table, and you can roll
your eyes as much as you want, but we're going
to eat together, and I want to hear what's going
on. You don't have to have your heart in it,
but we're going to join hands, and we're going
to pray for one another, and you cause them to
have some short -term pain because you're the
parent. And what you know is it doesn't matter
whether they like you or slam the door or roll
their eyes today, but you want them 10 years
later looking back and saying, thanks, Mom. Thanks,
Dad. That's why we have coaches. They help us
do things we would never do on our own because
they care and want to develop the best. We have
developed a society that you want to be your
kid's little buddy and you never want to feel
rejected. And it's all about keeping the peace
instead of making peace. They have plenty of
friends and plenty of buddies. Be willing to
be a jerk for a season if need be. To give them
what they need. instead of what they want. Make
sense? Now the question is, how do we do that?
And as we do that, there's one theological issue
I've got to share with you. It's the difference
between punishment and discipline. And this is,
I'll make this brief, but it's very, very critical.
You know, the difference between punishment and
discipline. Punishment's focus is to inflict
the penalty for an offense. Punishment is this
past misdeed is the focus. The attitude from
the parent is often hostility, frustration. And
the result is fear and guilt. And so they took
the car when you said not to and they got a little
bump in it or they went behind your back. How
many times have I told you to do that? What's
wrong with you? You loser. You didn't do your
homework. This is what's going to happen, right?
Excuse the outburst, but that's not new to a
lot of you. It got all built up. You're going
to make them pay? You won't accept that. Often
you've let it build up for a long time and you
have these explosions. For many of you, I mean,
bedtime constantly, homework constantly, fighting
with one another constantly. It's chaos in your
house. And then pretty soon, then you lay down
the law, then you feel guilty as a parent. Discipline,
by contrast, is training for correction for maturity.
That's the purpose. The focus is future correct
acts. And the attitude is love and concern on
the part of a parent. And the result for your
child is security. See, you know, often we say,
go to your room. If you are angry, you never
discipline out of anger. You have to go to your
room first. And you may need to sit on the bed
and have your time out to say, God, I am so livid.
It doesn't mean you have emotions. It doesn't
mean you don't share them. I am so livid. I mean,
this is metaphorical, of course. I want to wring
their neck. I can't believe you did that. They
violated my trust. They did this. They did this.
Okay. And then here's where you go. And Father,
I understand that God, the second person of the
Trinity, took on human flesh in the form of a
baby by a virgin. and lived a perfect life. And
then you laid your life out on the cross and
you became our sin offering. Our propitiation
is the word. And all the sins of all people were
placed on the son and he absorbed them. And your
just anger and punishment and wrath because you
hate sin was poured on Christ. And that's why
he said, my God, my God, why have you forsaken
him? Our sins and the judgment of God was put
on Jesus. And then. In that payment, he died,
rose the third day, for 40 days walked upon the
earth, 500 eyewitnesses. He's sitting at the
right hand. God never punishes his children.
God never punishes you. He disciplines you. God's
never mad at you. All of his anger for all time
and all people was placed on Christ. And so when
you do things that you know are wrong and you
feel guilty and you hurt people, God's motive
and purpose is to realign your life to give you
the best. His motive and purpose is to care for
you. His heart is to express his love. Now, those
consequences may be severe when you're really
disobedient, and it may look like the same thing.
Punishment could be, but the heart and the purpose
is different. Do you get that? This is Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been
listening to part one of Chip's message, How
to Discipline Your Child Effectively, from our
series, Uninvited Guests. Chip will be back shortly
to share some helpful application for us to think
about. We've all heard it said that raising kids
isn't for the faint of heart. Every parent can
attest that it can be deeply encouraging and
life -giving one moment and want to pull out
your hair frustrating the next. And those emotional
ups and downs don't include the external challenges
and pressures that kids, moms, and dads face
every day. So over the next handful of messages,
Chip will highlight biblical principles to help
navigate the complexities of raising kids in
today's world. Don't miss the insightful wisdom
from God's Word, along with practical advice
from a seasoned dad to guide you along your parenting
journey. If you've missed any part of this series,
catch up at livingontheedge .org. or wherever
you listen to podcasts. Well, our Bible teacher,
Chip Ingram, is with me now. And Chip, throughout
this series, you've highlighted a new resource
we've created for couples. Can you tell us a
bit more about it? Be glad to, Dave. We're calling
them Marriage That Works Truth Cards. And there's
two things that these cards do. They provide
foundational truths about marriage, and they
expose the prominent lies that almost every couple
believes. Let me give you an example. When I
finally meet the right person, everything will
be fine. Well, then on that card, there has a
stop sign, and then you flip it over, and it
says marrying the right person is crucial. But
even with the greatest mate, a successful marriage
requires following God's design, putting in the
hard work, and persevering through difficulties
and relying on the Holy Spirit's power. And here's
what I want you to get. When marriages get tough,
when you hit a rough patch, and we all do, that
lie creeps in. Maybe I married the wrong person.
If I could just find the right person, and it's
easy to get out of this relationship and find
someone else. We want to help couples focus in
on the truth that will build the kind of marriages
that cause families to thrive. So if you would
like to strengthen your marriage, let me encourage
you, get these cards. Dave, could you take a
minute and help people understand exactly how
to get these? Sure, Chip. It's actually really
simple. Throughout this entire series, for anyone
who chooses to become a monthly partner with
Living on the Edge, we'll send you these new
Marriage That Works truth cards as our way of
saying thanks. So please pray about supporting
us. Your gifts have an eternal impact as we fight
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