We all have dreams for our children, but did
you know that God has a dream for your child
that is higher and more amazing than anything
that you could ever imagine? The question is,
how do you cooperate with God so that His dream
becomes a reality in your child's life? That's
today. Stay with me. Welcome to this edition
of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Our mission
is to inspire Christians to be genuine followers
of Jesus and to empower them to be active disciple
makers in our world. Well, coming up today, Chip
continues our series, Uninvited Guests, by highlighting
the one crucial habit every child needs to learn
that'll help fulfill the dream God has for them.
Well, Chip's got a lot of ground to cover, so
if you're ready, let's settle in for his message,
How to Develop Your Child's Full Potential. When
I was a young dad, I remember I have four children.
And I remember at times coming home late from
a meeting or maybe being out of town and house
is quiet. And we had a small little house with
real tiny bedrooms that were all one, two, three,
and then ours was over here. And I could turn
off the bathroom, all the lights except the bathroom
light and get just enough light. And I'd been
out and so I'd sort of gaze and see my little
girl there, you know. Little girls when they
sleep look like angels. Then my youngest son,
he looks like he and the covers have been doing
battle, you know. And then the twins were in
the last bedroom. And, you know, sometimes when
you're really sort of keyed up, you're not really
quite ready to go to bed. And I had to go out,
sit in a chair, and turn on a little light. And
I would just think, oh, God, what are you going
to do in these kids? What's their future? And
then I would have this terrifying thought. In
what part are we as parents supposed to play?
I mean, what's my role to help them become all
that you want them to be? I know you have a dream
for them. In fact, your word says, I hasn't seen
or ear heard or entered into the heart of man
all the good that you have stored up for those
that love you. And then the years went by and
all my kids got older and older and I would have
the light on and I would sit in the chair and
I'd be ready to go to bed and they were all out.
right? You know, the teenagers are out doing
their thing, and they decide at, you know, like
9, 30, or 10, what do you want to do tonight?
The ones are away in college, and I had that
same terrifying thought. It was just a different
one, like, oh, man, I got a sophomore in high
school. I got a senior. I've got two in college.
What am I supposed to do? How do I cooperate
with you? Does anyone here ever share those kind
of fears and feelings? Yeah? Well, we're going
to talk about how to cooperate with God to develop
your child's full potential. God does have a
dream. He has a plan. He's got a plan for all
the world, but he has a plan for every one of
your children and mine. If you'll open your notes,
we're going to look at five specific keys, and
I just want to warn you. We have been inundated
with thoughts and culture about what we ought
to do as parents because we care and we want
to raise our kids well. But what you're about
to hear is God's agenda, and often it's counter
to what a lot of us have been told. And for those
of us like myself that I didn't grow up as a
Christian, I never opened the Bible, what God
has to say about being a parent was really different
than what I experienced or what I heard. So we're
going to sort of do a top line picture of what
that is. And then we're going to go on a journey
together. And I will just tell you on the front
end, you'll probably need some other parents
and some other support to actually do what we're
going to talk about. But if you do, God really
does have a great plan for your kids. Key number
one is that you must understand your child's
two primary needs are for significance. and security.
The little human being, whether it's a brand
new baby, a two -year -old, a 12 -year -old,
a 22 -year -old, a 32 -year -old, I have learned
they're still your kids and they still have the
same two needs, significance and security. Significance
is, am I a somebody? Do I really matter? Security
is, am I safe and do I belong? And so intrinsically,
your children are always asking two questions.
One, do you love me? Basically, by your body
language, by your actions, by your words, by
what you do, by what you don't do. Do I belong?
Do I matter? Am I valued? Am I wanted? Am I accepted?
Inside, they're always asking that question.
The second question they're asking is, where's
the boundaries? And that's like, who's in charge?
Is there someplace safe? The little hearts they
have and the big hearts they have. You know,
you tell any kid, here's the line. Don't cross
that line. What do you know in three minutes?
Right? Because I've got it in me and you've got
it in you. And what they need to know is there's
boundaries. And what that produces, those boundaries,
when you're consistent about, no, you can't have
your own selfish way, produces security and safety
and self -esteem. The perfect parent God, when
he created us as his children, you'll notice
in chapter 1 of Genesis, he said, you're significant.
You're made in my image. Here's all that I have
for you. I've created all this for you. I'm going
to walk in the garden with you. You matter. You're
loved, accepted. And then in chapter 2, he said,
now here's the boundaries. All of this is available,
but don't go there. Significance, security. The
second key. to developing your child's full potential
is you must recognize your child's primary responsibility
is to learn obedience. And just kind of lean
back because there's a huge implication. That
means your number one priority as a parent, your
number one priority is to teach your child to
obey. Your number one priority is not to make
them successful. Your number one priority is
not to make them happy. Your number one priority
is to teach them to obey you and then later obey
God. There's only one verse in the Bible that
I can find in all the New Testament that speaks
directly to children. I've put it in your notes.
Listen carefully. This is what God says to your
son or your daughter. Children, it is your Christian
duty, and underline this word, to obey your parents.
Well, why? For this is the right thing to do.
Then quoting one of the Ten Commandments, respect
your father and your mother is the first commandment
that has a promise added to it. Notice why God
wants your children to learn to obey you and
ultimately learn to obey him. So that all may
go well with you and you may live long in the
land. Obedience is the channel through which
God's best plans get fulfilled for your son or
your daughter. Definition I have of obedience
here in your notes is obedience is teaching your
child to come under the hearing of your voice.
That's different than they just need to do what's
right because you said so. The word for obedience
in the New Testament is a compound word, hupo,
that means to be under, and akuo, that means
to hear. You can see some akuo guitars, right?
Acoustic guitars. And see, what God really wants
your children, here's obedience. When you speak,
not yell, not scream, when you speak and you
tell your child, do this or don't do that, they
come under the hearing of your voice and they
obey you, not simply doing right, but submitting
to you out of a good attitude, from the heart,
out of relationship, the first time you tell
them something. Now, what I want to tell you
is most of us parents don't take that very seriously.
At least I didn't as an early parent. But I had
an experience that changed my view of obedience.
To me, it was like, you know, tell your kids
to do this, but down deep you don't really expect
them to do it a lot of the time, and then just
sort of learn to live with it. Teresa and I were
taking a walk with our family when they were
small. My oldest sons were very small, about
five years old, and we're doing the little, you
know, walking on the sidewalks, and there's a
driveway here and a driveway here, and my one
son was adventuresome, so he would, you know,
run ahead and hi -hi and run ahead, and, you
know, that was okay. But as we were coming, there
were hedges, and the hedges came like this, and
when you're five years old, you're only this
tall, and the hedge was this high. And I would
say to my son, stop, stop. And he would look
at me and wave and just keep running. Has anyone
had any of your kids do that? Ever, right? Okay,
now here's the scary part. Because actually,
I think it's kind of cute. And he's running pretty
fast. And as an old ex -jock, say, way to go,
son, you know? But it's not funny at all because
now I see a truck coming out of a driveway going
about 30 miles an hour and picking up speed.
Guess what? There's hedges. He can't see my little
boy. And so I say, eh! Eric, stop! And I'm just,
you know, you see this coming? This is a direct
collision, and he laughs at me, and he runs,
and he runs across, and that car goes by. And
you know what I learned? I learned that I did
not take teaching my son obedience. He was not
under the hearing of my voice, and my lack of
diligence almost cost him his life. Parents,
listen really carefully. If your son or daughter,
and by the way, the earlier the better, if they
do not learn to come under the hearing of your
voice and you are a parent that they can see,
how do you expect them to hear the voice of their
heavenly father who they cannot see? Because
they're going to be 14 years old and they're
going to hear God's voice say, don't get in that
car and go with those kids and do that. You know
that's wrong. And someone is going to say to
them, you know something? You ought to come to
this party. And you know what? It doesn't hurt
you. You ought to try this at least once. And
they're going to hear God's voice. And they're
either going to learn because of their practice
with you to know the safest, best, most significant,
and fulfilling place to ever be is under the
voice of obeying your mother or father. And if
they don't learn it from you, the likelihood
of them learning it From the Heavenly Father
is very slim. So their number one job. And it's
hard. I mean, this is really hard. And we've
all, we all struggle here, okay? I remember when
I was trying to learn this, and it took such
effort. You know when you go to maybe some friend's
house, and you're all hanging out together, and
the kids, especially when they're smaller, they're
ripping through the house, and every toy in the
house is out, and things are a complete mess.
And this is how most of us do it. You're with
this other maybe couple, and you say, hey, we
really need to go. And that means we're going
to stop in the kitchen, talk for a little bit
more, and then after we talk, then we're going
to get near the door and talk a little bit more.
But you tell the kids, right? I've seen this
so many times. Now, this is self -confession.
Okay, guys, clean up those toys. Got to get to
go right now. And, I mean, you watch these two,
like, five -year -olds. They don't even budge.
I mean, they don't even budge because our kids
are way better students of us than we are of
them. And so then you move from the kitchen,
you get near the door, and you really do need
to go, hey, hey, hey, guys, didn't I just tell
you? Come on now, let's go. Pick that stuff up.
These two five -year -olds are, you know, Legos
are still putting together, you know. It's like,
you know, if we could read their mind, it's like,
this means absolutely nothing. In a couple minutes,
we might have to go. And then they hear this
from one of us. Hey, how can I tell you pick
up those toys right now? Get those toys up here.
You know, I can't, I'm embarrassed of these people
right now. And the kid calmly looks at his friend
and goes, I think we're going to go. You know
a different picture? And it takes such time and
such diligence. But see, that child has learned
when you scream, when you're upset, when you
act like that, there's probably consequences,
so they need to respond. The other option is
you walk over to those kids that are 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, depending on their personality and how
off the charts they are, and you get their little
face, and you look into their eyes. Bobby? Bobby?
Yeah. We're going to leave in two minutes. You
can play for one more minute, and then you pick
up your toys. Bobby, do you understand? Okay,
we're going to be right there, and I'm going
to tell you in one minute to pick up the toys.
Got it? Yeah. You walk over here. Hey, we really
need to go. Okay, Bobby, it's time. Pick them
up right now, and especially if you're a father,
you use your father voice. The deep voice. The
deep voice that says to them, this is not a warning.
This is not an option. I mean it right now. You're
calm. You're clothed. You're in your right mind.
And if he doesn't move, consequences happen rapidly.
And you know what that little boy and that little
girl learns? They learn that when you say going
to the grocery store, no, we can't have that
today. They don't act like, you know, they're
on drugs. Mom, what's going to happen? Have you
seen this in the grocery stores, right? Or, you
know, like Target, I've got to have these toys.
You know, they're throwing them in the basket,
and parents are going, I'm so embarrassed, I
guess I'll just buy it. Teach your kids to obey
your voice calmly, with consequences, with rewards,
with love, and with tenderness. It's a hard job.
It takes a lot of time. Most five -year -olds
are running the world. That's why McDonald's
markets to them. Where are we going to go to
eat? I don't want that. Why do they call it a
happy meal, right? You're listening to Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And before he continues
our new series, Uninvited Guests, I want to remind
you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples
and parents are only possible because of listeners
like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep
listening after today's message as Chip shares
more of his heart for preserving the family and
why now is a great time to partner with us in
this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now,
let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk. Third,
you must remember that obedience is a developmental
process. Now, what I mean by this is that children
don't... Just learn to obey. Just as they physically
develop, just as they mentally develop, and just
as they more develop, you need to understand
that they're involved in a process. Just like
there's seasons, there's a way that a two -year
-old, a four -year -old, an eight -year -old,
an 11 -year -old, a 13 -year -old, a 15 -year
-old, and a 22 -year -old, they think differently.
Their bodies are different. The hormones are
different. You need to understand. That learning
obedience is different at different stages, but
this is our number one job. Because obedience
is the channel through which God's biggest and
best plans for your child are delivered. That
it might be well with them. Notice the passage
here. Although he was a son, speaking of Jesus,
he learned obedience from what he suffered. Perfect
deity, but perfect humanity. He went through
the normal process. Jesus had to learn to obey.
If Jesus had to learn to obey, think about our
kids. And then notice the developmental process
in Luke 2 .52. Jesus grew in wisdom and stature
and in favor with God and favor with men. Wisdom,
intellectual development. Stature, physical development.
Favor with God, spiritual development. Favor
with men, social development. And so I put a
little chart here. You'll notice it says spiritual
formation and mental development. Literally,
it's mental and moral development. My background
before I went to seminary was in education and
in psychology, kind of sports psychology and
educational psychology. So how do kids learn?
And how do people learn? And how do they grow?
And that little chart you see is from a fellow
named Lawrence Kohlberg, who made his life study
to examine how do little children at various
stages grow? How do their minds work so that
they learn both mentally and morally? Because
what I would suggest is when you don't understand
how God has made children, we often do the very
opposite of what they need. And so notice the
little chart here. When a child is zero to about
four or five years of age, notice underneath,
they just think in concrete terms. Explanations
about why and, you know, you shouldn't do that
and say you're sorry because of this and, you
know, these three passages and, you know, the
sanctification process is about this and these
four verses and this lecture. They're four years
old. Right? Wrong. Just information. They just
need to know the rules. What's right? What's
wrong? As they get beyond that into the 6, 9,
10, 11, and by the way, it's a very sliding scale
because kids mature at different times, mentally,
morally, spiritually, physically. And then you
want to tie obedience to the who relationship.
This is right, this is wrong, but it's about
a love relationship. I want you to do this out
of respect for me. I want you to treat your brother
like this because you care for him. When you
disobey or when you lie to me, 9, 10, 11 -year
-old, do you understand what it does to our relationship?
So obedience goes from simply what is right and
what is wrong to who. And so write that above
that. As they get older, and for some as early
as 11, for most people it's going to be in the
early teens. And so somewhere between 11 to 14,
15, their developmental reasoning is happening,
and they can now think in more abstract ways.
And so now you want to begin to not just say,
this is right, this is wrong, and out of relationship.
The first is about the what. The next is about
the who. This is about the why. Why can't I go
with my friends to that movie? Why can't I do
what everyone else is doing? Why do we as a family
have to do this? A very bad answer is, because
I said so, that's why. That frustrates kids.
They can reason now. They understand this is
the truth, this is the what, this is the who
of the relationship with God, and this is the
why. here's the damage it could do. This is the
problem that it would create. And then finally,
when they get into somewhere between 16 to their
very early 20s, you really want them to have
resolve. And what I mean by that is you want
them to make their own decisions, and you go
from sort of in the early days, you're the commander,
right? This is the way it is. Then you turn from
the commander to the... to the instructor, okay?
I care about you. And then you go from the instructor
to the coach. This is why. And then you literally,
in the later years, you're becoming a consultant.
And what you really want them to do is learn
to make the right decisions for the right reason
in relationship to God and you and other people.
And that creates a very, very different approach.
This is outlined. Some of you are looking at
me like... Wow, these have huge implications.
These have huge implications. We ended up putting
this in a book form called Effective Parenting
in a Defective World where I develop it a lot
more. Because here's our tendency. Here's what
we do. When you're a young parent, you so want
to do it right, and you want your kids to turn
out so right, and we do things like this. You
know, like a three -year -old and a four -year
-old, they're fighting, or a five -year -old,
and we get them together. Now, you too, you need
to say you're sorry. You need to confess your
sins. Have you memorized 1 John 1 .9? Say that
to him. If we confess our sins, he's faithful
and just to forgive us our sins. Okay, then here's
what I, and you know, we have these long explanations.
They're four. They're five years old. Or we say,
now, do you have Jesus in your heart? And the
kid will say, I don't think there's room there.
He's very big. So we talk, talk, talk, talk instead
of behavior, calmness, reward, consequences.
And then they get to be teenagers. Well, we're
still fearful, but we're worn out. You know?
And so they say, you know, I don't understand
why, you know, all the other kids, and his dad's
even, you know, he goes to church too, and they're
seeing this movie, and they're going to have
a stay overnight, and his parents are at home,
but you should really trust me, and I don't understand,
you know, he's only been to juvenile detention
once, and, you know, he said he was sorry, and
why can't I go? And your answer is, because I
said so. And I'm the mom, or I'm the dad. And
they slam the door and go to your room, and you
don't talk. When they're small, You're kind,
you're calm, you're under control. There's consequences,
there's behavior, very short explanations. The
older they get and they have all those questions,
you say, wow, that is a great question. You know
what, let's go grab a Coke or a cup of coffee.
Let's talk about it. And you say, okay, let's,
you know, and this is where as a parent, you
say, you know, I've been reading in the Proverbs
and the Proverbs in 1320 says that he who dwells
with wise men will be wise. but the companion
of a fool will suffer harm. And you know what?
You just hang around the wrong people. This is
always what happens. And I love you, and your
mom loves you, and we're for you. And this is
a boundary that I really can't budge on, and
I understand it, but this is the why behind it.
Now, they may not go, oh, dad, mom, thanks so
much. I get it now, and you even read a verse
from the Bible. I just feel ooey -gooey inside.
No, no, no, no. But what they'll be treated like
as an adult, and they'll have a reason and a
why. When they get a little bit older, right,
and they want to do something, it's gray. And
down deep, you know, this is not the best thing.
Okay? This is where you want to develop convictions.
And so often my kids, you know, they're 17 or
late 16, 17, and they're saying, I really want
to do this. And you're thinking, I do not feel
good about this. I don't think it's a good idea.
But the worst that can happen is a fender bender.
You know what I mean by that? I mean, you know,
no one's going to die probably. It's not going
to be good. And so instead of saying no, I often,
when I got to here, because I want them to get
resolved, I'd say, well, you know what? And then
I remember when they start looking at me. So
what I want you to do is, I want you to just
pray about this for 24, 48 hours. What? I mean,
whether I can go on this thing with this group
and do that. Yeah, I just want you to pray. You
ask God whether you think this is good. And then
let's get together in 24 or 48 hours. And you
tell me how God's leading you and why you think
it's a good idea. Now, at times they made the
decision I didn't think was very good. But they
processed it. They owned it. They did it. And
sometimes when it wasn't very good, guess what?
They got the consequences. It wasn't very good.
And other times I was actually surprised. When
I put the ball on their court, it was like. No,
I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah, I'm
not going to go. Do you see? When you want to
develop obedience, you need to understand the
age of your child and the moral development because
the goal, the goal is they learn to obey from
the heart, you, and even more importantly then,
God. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram,
and you've been listening to part one of Chip's
message, How to Develop Your Child's Full Potential,
from our series, Uninvited Guests. Chip will
be back shortly to share some helpful application
for us to think about. We've all heard it said
that raising kids isn't for the faint of heart.
Every parent can attest that it can be deeply
encouraging and life -giving one moment and want
to pull out your hair frustrating the next. And
those emotional ups and downs don't include the
external challenges and pressures that kids,
moms, and dads face every day. So over the next
handful of messages, Chip will highlight biblical
principles to help navigate the complexities
of raising kids in today's world. Don't miss
the insightful wisdom from God's Word, along
with practical advice from a seasoned dad to
guide you along your parenting journey. If you've
missed any part of this series, catch up at livingontheedge
.org. or wherever you listen to podcasts. Well,
before we go any further, our Bible teacher Chip
Ingram is with us in studio to share a quick
word with all of you. Chip? Thanks, Dave. Over
the years, I've counseled hundreds of couples,
and I've heard one thing over and over. We've
just fallen out of love. Now we just have disagreements
and disappointments, and we annoy one another.
We're Christians. We know God's plan, but we
just can't make it work. And what I can tell
you is that there's lies that couples are believing
that lead to divorce that literally crush their
kids and bring about regret and heartache at
levels that they can't imagine. And if I would
have believed those things, Teresa and I would
not be married today. But thankfully, it was
the truth that we got from a marriage counselor.
When we felt like we were falling out of love,
when we couldn't make things work, we got the
truth in our mind to begin to work through the
tough areas of our marriage. And now, decades
later, we've created Marriage That Works truth
cards to give you what God used to transform
our marriage. And I'll tell you what, if you'll
review a few of these every single day for 30
days, 60 days, your thinking will change, you'll
be glad you did, and your kids will be glad you
did. So, Dave, take a minute now and share with
people how they can get these cards. Sure, Chip.
It's actually really simple. Throughout this
entire series, for anyone who chooses to become
a monthly partner with Living on the Edge, we'll
send you these new Marriage That Works truth
cards as our way of saying thanks. So please
pray about supporting us. Your gifts have an
eternal impact as we fight for marriages and
families everywhere. To learn how to become a
monthly partner, visit livingontheedge .org or
call us at 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333 -6003
or go to livingontheedge .org. App listeners,
tap donate. Join us next time as Chip continues
his series, Uninvited Guests. Until then, I'm
Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening to this
edition of Living on the Edge.