WEBVTT 00:00:01.159 --> 00:00:03.960 We all have dreams for our children, but did 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.139 you know that God has a dream for your child 00:00:06.139 --> 00:00:09.300 that is higher and more amazing than anything 00:00:09.300 --> 00:00:12.199 that you could ever imagine? The question is, 00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:15.740 how do you cooperate with God so that His dream 00:00:15.740 --> 00:00:18.980 becomes a reality in your child's life? That's 00:00:18.980 --> 00:00:23.199 today. Stay with me. Welcome to this edition 00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:26.600 of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Our mission 00:00:26.600 --> 00:00:29.179 is to inspire Christians to be genuine followers 00:00:29.179 --> 00:00:32.320 of Jesus and to empower them to be active disciple 00:00:32.320 --> 00:00:35.100 makers in our world. Well, coming up today, Chip 00:00:35.100 --> 00:00:38.460 continues our series, Uninvited Guests, by highlighting 00:00:38.460 --> 00:00:41.259 the one crucial habit every child needs to learn 00:00:41.259 --> 00:00:43.840 that'll help fulfill the dream God has for them. 00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:46.380 Well, Chip's got a lot of ground to cover, so 00:00:46.380 --> 00:00:48.200 if you're ready, let's settle in for his message, 00:00:48.340 --> 00:00:52.380 How to Develop Your Child's Full Potential. When 00:00:52.380 --> 00:00:55.299 I was a young dad, I remember I have four children. 00:00:56.200 --> 00:00:59.399 And I remember at times coming home late from 00:00:59.399 --> 00:01:02.520 a meeting or maybe being out of town and house 00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:06.120 is quiet. And we had a small little house with 00:01:06.120 --> 00:01:08.900 real tiny bedrooms that were all one, two, three, 00:01:08.939 --> 00:01:11.599 and then ours was over here. And I could turn 00:01:11.599 --> 00:01:14.760 off the bathroom, all the lights except the bathroom 00:01:14.760 --> 00:01:18.379 light and get just enough light. And I'd been 00:01:18.379 --> 00:01:21.760 out and so I'd sort of gaze and see my little 00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:24.219 girl there, you know. Little girls when they 00:01:24.219 --> 00:01:27.879 sleep look like angels. Then my youngest son, 00:01:27.959 --> 00:01:30.180 he looks like he and the covers have been doing 00:01:30.180 --> 00:01:34.480 battle, you know. And then the twins were in 00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:37.420 the last bedroom. And, you know, sometimes when 00:01:37.420 --> 00:01:39.180 you're really sort of keyed up, you're not really 00:01:39.180 --> 00:01:41.500 quite ready to go to bed. And I had to go out, 00:01:41.540 --> 00:01:43.540 sit in a chair, and turn on a little light. And 00:01:43.540 --> 00:01:45.359 I would just think, oh, God, what are you going 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:49.140 to do in these kids? What's their future? And 00:01:49.140 --> 00:01:51.019 then I would have this terrifying thought. In 00:01:51.019 --> 00:01:54.280 what part are we as parents supposed to play? 00:01:55.019 --> 00:01:58.299 I mean, what's my role to help them become all 00:01:58.299 --> 00:02:01.140 that you want them to be? I know you have a dream 00:02:01.140 --> 00:02:04.019 for them. In fact, your word says, I hasn't seen 00:02:04.019 --> 00:02:05.980 or ear heard or entered into the heart of man 00:02:05.980 --> 00:02:08.719 all the good that you have stored up for those 00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:12.139 that love you. And then the years went by and 00:02:12.139 --> 00:02:17.479 all my kids got older and older and I would have 00:02:17.479 --> 00:02:19.800 the light on and I would sit in the chair and 00:02:19.800 --> 00:02:21.740 I'd be ready to go to bed and they were all out. 00:02:22.139 --> 00:02:24.319 right? You know, the teenagers are out doing 00:02:24.319 --> 00:02:26.060 their thing, and they decide at, you know, like 00:02:26.060 --> 00:02:27.599 9, 30, or 10, what do you want to do tonight? 00:02:28.099 --> 00:02:32.240 The ones are away in college, and I had that 00:02:32.240 --> 00:02:34.560 same terrifying thought. It was just a different 00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:36.900 one, like, oh, man, I got a sophomore in high 00:02:36.900 --> 00:02:39.039 school. I got a senior. I've got two in college. 00:02:39.479 --> 00:02:42.139 What am I supposed to do? How do I cooperate 00:02:42.139 --> 00:02:45.060 with you? Does anyone here ever share those kind 00:02:45.060 --> 00:02:48.919 of fears and feelings? Yeah? Well, we're going 00:02:48.919 --> 00:02:53.680 to talk about how to cooperate with God to develop 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:58.020 your child's full potential. God does have a 00:02:58.020 --> 00:03:01.240 dream. He has a plan. He's got a plan for all 00:03:01.240 --> 00:03:04.460 the world, but he has a plan for every one of 00:03:04.460 --> 00:03:07.599 your children and mine. If you'll open your notes, 00:03:07.659 --> 00:03:10.020 we're going to look at five specific keys, and 00:03:10.020 --> 00:03:14.099 I just want to warn you. We have been inundated 00:03:14.099 --> 00:03:17.599 with thoughts and culture about what we ought 00:03:17.599 --> 00:03:20.300 to do as parents because we care and we want 00:03:20.300 --> 00:03:23.219 to raise our kids well. But what you're about 00:03:23.219 --> 00:03:26.560 to hear is God's agenda, and often it's counter 00:03:26.560 --> 00:03:30.379 to what a lot of us have been told. And for those 00:03:30.379 --> 00:03:32.500 of us like myself that I didn't grow up as a 00:03:32.500 --> 00:03:34.780 Christian, I never opened the Bible, what God 00:03:34.780 --> 00:03:37.520 has to say about being a parent was really different 00:03:37.520 --> 00:03:41.879 than what I experienced or what I heard. So we're 00:03:41.879 --> 00:03:45.340 going to sort of do a top line picture of what 00:03:45.340 --> 00:03:48.319 that is. And then we're going to go on a journey 00:03:48.319 --> 00:03:51.240 together. And I will just tell you on the front 00:03:51.240 --> 00:03:53.639 end, you'll probably need some other parents 00:03:53.639 --> 00:03:56.599 and some other support to actually do what we're 00:03:56.599 --> 00:04:00.879 going to talk about. But if you do, God really 00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:03.819 does have a great plan for your kids. Key number 00:04:03.819 --> 00:04:06.539 one is that you must understand your child's 00:04:06.539 --> 00:04:11.099 two primary needs are for significance. and security. 00:04:11.900 --> 00:04:14.240 The little human being, whether it's a brand 00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:16.620 new baby, a two -year -old, a 12 -year -old, 00:04:16.699 --> 00:04:20.079 a 22 -year -old, a 32 -year -old, I have learned 00:04:20.079 --> 00:04:22.240 they're still your kids and they still have the 00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:26.379 same two needs, significance and security. Significance 00:04:26.379 --> 00:04:31.899 is, am I a somebody? Do I really matter? Security 00:04:31.899 --> 00:04:35.860 is, am I safe and do I belong? And so intrinsically, 00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:38.019 your children are always asking two questions. 00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:42.209 One, do you love me? Basically, by your body 00:04:42.209 --> 00:04:44.550 language, by your actions, by your words, by 00:04:44.550 --> 00:04:47.189 what you do, by what you don't do. Do I belong? 00:04:47.509 --> 00:04:50.850 Do I matter? Am I valued? Am I wanted? Am I accepted? 00:04:51.449 --> 00:04:53.529 Inside, they're always asking that question. 00:04:53.990 --> 00:04:56.189 The second question they're asking is, where's 00:04:56.189 --> 00:04:59.730 the boundaries? And that's like, who's in charge? 00:05:00.230 --> 00:05:03.629 Is there someplace safe? The little hearts they 00:05:03.629 --> 00:05:06.199 have and the big hearts they have. You know, 00:05:06.240 --> 00:05:08.699 you tell any kid, here's the line. Don't cross 00:05:08.699 --> 00:05:10.379 that line. What do you know in three minutes? 00:05:11.800 --> 00:05:14.420 Right? Because I've got it in me and you've got 00:05:14.420 --> 00:05:17.680 it in you. And what they need to know is there's 00:05:17.680 --> 00:05:20.980 boundaries. And what that produces, those boundaries, 00:05:21.019 --> 00:05:24.620 when you're consistent about, no, you can't have 00:05:24.620 --> 00:05:29.420 your own selfish way, produces security and safety 00:05:29.420 --> 00:05:34.149 and self -esteem. The perfect parent God, when 00:05:34.149 --> 00:05:37.009 he created us as his children, you'll notice 00:05:37.009 --> 00:05:40.310 in chapter 1 of Genesis, he said, you're significant. 00:05:40.550 --> 00:05:43.410 You're made in my image. Here's all that I have 00:05:43.410 --> 00:05:45.970 for you. I've created all this for you. I'm going 00:05:45.970 --> 00:05:48.430 to walk in the garden with you. You matter. You're 00:05:48.430 --> 00:05:51.889 loved, accepted. And then in chapter 2, he said, 00:05:51.949 --> 00:05:54.629 now here's the boundaries. All of this is available, 00:05:54.689 --> 00:06:00.850 but don't go there. Significance, security. The 00:06:00.850 --> 00:06:03.740 second key. to developing your child's full potential 00:06:03.740 --> 00:06:07.259 is you must recognize your child's primary responsibility 00:06:07.259 --> 00:06:13.540 is to learn obedience. And just kind of lean 00:06:13.540 --> 00:06:17.040 back because there's a huge implication. That 00:06:17.040 --> 00:06:22.379 means your number one priority as a parent, your 00:06:22.379 --> 00:06:26.899 number one priority is to teach your child to 00:06:26.899 --> 00:06:30.120 obey. Your number one priority is not to make 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:32.699 them successful. Your number one priority is 00:06:32.699 --> 00:06:35.839 not to make them happy. Your number one priority 00:06:35.839 --> 00:06:39.680 is to teach them to obey you and then later obey 00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:42.339 God. There's only one verse in the Bible that 00:06:42.339 --> 00:06:44.600 I can find in all the New Testament that speaks 00:06:44.600 --> 00:06:46.639 directly to children. I've put it in your notes. 00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:49.579 Listen carefully. This is what God says to your 00:06:49.579 --> 00:06:52.939 son or your daughter. Children, it is your Christian 00:06:52.939 --> 00:06:55.800 duty, and underline this word, to obey your parents. 00:06:56.540 --> 00:06:59.899 Well, why? For this is the right thing to do. 00:07:01.100 --> 00:07:03.399 Then quoting one of the Ten Commandments, respect 00:07:03.399 --> 00:07:06.319 your father and your mother is the first commandment 00:07:06.319 --> 00:07:10.040 that has a promise added to it. Notice why God 00:07:10.040 --> 00:07:14.220 wants your children to learn to obey you and 00:07:14.220 --> 00:07:18.199 ultimately learn to obey him. So that all may 00:07:18.199 --> 00:07:21.240 go well with you and you may live long in the 00:07:21.240 --> 00:07:25.399 land. Obedience is the channel through which 00:07:25.399 --> 00:07:29.699 God's best plans get fulfilled for your son or 00:07:29.699 --> 00:07:33.230 your daughter. Definition I have of obedience 00:07:33.230 --> 00:07:35.930 here in your notes is obedience is teaching your 00:07:35.930 --> 00:07:38.850 child to come under the hearing of your voice. 00:07:39.709 --> 00:07:41.769 That's different than they just need to do what's 00:07:41.769 --> 00:07:45.350 right because you said so. The word for obedience 00:07:45.350 --> 00:07:48.089 in the New Testament is a compound word, hupo, 00:07:48.089 --> 00:07:50.709 that means to be under, and akuo, that means 00:07:50.709 --> 00:07:54.290 to hear. You can see some akuo guitars, right? 00:07:54.410 --> 00:07:58.069 Acoustic guitars. And see, what God really wants 00:07:58.069 --> 00:08:02.410 your children, here's obedience. When you speak, 00:08:02.529 --> 00:08:06.870 not yell, not scream, when you speak and you 00:08:06.870 --> 00:08:10.709 tell your child, do this or don't do that, they 00:08:10.709 --> 00:08:13.269 come under the hearing of your voice and they 00:08:13.269 --> 00:08:16.670 obey you, not simply doing right, but submitting 00:08:16.670 --> 00:08:20.709 to you out of a good attitude, from the heart, 00:08:20.790 --> 00:08:24.990 out of relationship, the first time you tell 00:08:24.990 --> 00:08:27.120 them something. Now, what I want to tell you 00:08:27.120 --> 00:08:29.139 is most of us parents don't take that very seriously. 00:08:29.240 --> 00:08:32.820 At least I didn't as an early parent. But I had 00:08:32.820 --> 00:08:34.700 an experience that changed my view of obedience. 00:08:35.539 --> 00:08:37.059 To me, it was like, you know, tell your kids 00:08:37.059 --> 00:08:38.700 to do this, but down deep you don't really expect 00:08:38.700 --> 00:08:41.559 them to do it a lot of the time, and then just 00:08:41.559 --> 00:08:44.159 sort of learn to live with it. Teresa and I were 00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:46.100 taking a walk with our family when they were 00:08:46.100 --> 00:08:48.279 small. My oldest sons were very small, about 00:08:48.279 --> 00:08:49.639 five years old, and we're doing the little, you 00:08:49.639 --> 00:08:52.059 know, walking on the sidewalks, and there's a 00:08:52.059 --> 00:08:54.120 driveway here and a driveway here, and my one 00:08:54.120 --> 00:08:56.480 son was adventuresome, so he would, you know, 00:08:56.500 --> 00:08:59.240 run ahead and hi -hi and run ahead, and, you 00:08:59.240 --> 00:09:02.159 know, that was okay. But as we were coming, there 00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:07.419 were hedges, and the hedges came like this, and 00:09:07.419 --> 00:09:08.960 when you're five years old, you're only this 00:09:08.960 --> 00:09:11.620 tall, and the hedge was this high. And I would 00:09:11.620 --> 00:09:13.720 say to my son, stop, stop. And he would look 00:09:13.720 --> 00:09:16.059 at me and wave and just keep running. Has anyone 00:09:16.059 --> 00:09:19.440 had any of your kids do that? Ever, right? Okay, 00:09:19.580 --> 00:09:21.759 now here's the scary part. Because actually, 00:09:22.259 --> 00:09:24.799 I think it's kind of cute. And he's running pretty 00:09:24.799 --> 00:09:26.960 fast. And as an old ex -jock, say, way to go, 00:09:27.039 --> 00:09:29.620 son, you know? But it's not funny at all because 00:09:29.620 --> 00:09:32.500 now I see a truck coming out of a driveway going 00:09:32.500 --> 00:09:34.200 about 30 miles an hour and picking up speed. 00:09:34.580 --> 00:09:38.059 Guess what? There's hedges. He can't see my little 00:09:38.059 --> 00:09:42.389 boy. And so I say, eh! Eric, stop! And I'm just, 00:09:42.470 --> 00:09:44.590 you know, you see this coming? This is a direct 00:09:44.590 --> 00:09:47.710 collision, and he laughs at me, and he runs, 00:09:47.750 --> 00:09:53.009 and he runs across, and that car goes by. And 00:09:53.009 --> 00:09:55.990 you know what I learned? I learned that I did 00:09:55.990 --> 00:09:59.769 not take teaching my son obedience. He was not 00:09:59.769 --> 00:10:03.409 under the hearing of my voice, and my lack of 00:10:03.409 --> 00:10:07.710 diligence almost cost him his life. Parents, 00:10:07.730 --> 00:10:11.620 listen really carefully. If your son or daughter, 00:10:11.799 --> 00:10:14.580 and by the way, the earlier the better, if they 00:10:14.580 --> 00:10:17.200 do not learn to come under the hearing of your 00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:20.279 voice and you are a parent that they can see, 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:23.419 how do you expect them to hear the voice of their 00:10:23.419 --> 00:10:26.539 heavenly father who they cannot see? Because 00:10:26.539 --> 00:10:28.720 they're going to be 14 years old and they're 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:31.019 going to hear God's voice say, don't get in that 00:10:31.019 --> 00:10:34.019 car and go with those kids and do that. You know 00:10:34.019 --> 00:10:36.440 that's wrong. And someone is going to say to 00:10:36.440 --> 00:10:37.740 them, you know something? You ought to come to 00:10:37.740 --> 00:10:39.899 this party. And you know what? It doesn't hurt 00:10:39.899 --> 00:10:41.820 you. You ought to try this at least once. And 00:10:41.820 --> 00:10:44.480 they're going to hear God's voice. And they're 00:10:44.480 --> 00:10:46.679 either going to learn because of their practice 00:10:46.679 --> 00:10:51.879 with you to know the safest, best, most significant, 00:10:52.019 --> 00:10:55.299 and fulfilling place to ever be is under the 00:10:55.299 --> 00:10:58.580 voice of obeying your mother or father. And if 00:10:58.580 --> 00:11:02.259 they don't learn it from you, the likelihood 00:11:02.259 --> 00:11:04.559 of them learning it From the Heavenly Father 00:11:04.559 --> 00:11:09.240 is very slim. So their number one job. And it's 00:11:09.240 --> 00:11:11.779 hard. I mean, this is really hard. And we've 00:11:11.779 --> 00:11:16.440 all, we all struggle here, okay? I remember when 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:19.100 I was trying to learn this, and it took such 00:11:19.100 --> 00:11:21.799 effort. You know when you go to maybe some friend's 00:11:21.799 --> 00:11:23.580 house, and you're all hanging out together, and 00:11:23.580 --> 00:11:26.919 the kids, especially when they're smaller, they're 00:11:26.919 --> 00:11:29.120 ripping through the house, and every toy in the 00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:31.019 house is out, and things are a complete mess. 00:11:31.279 --> 00:11:33.399 And this is how most of us do it. You're with 00:11:33.399 --> 00:11:35.620 this other maybe couple, and you say, hey, we 00:11:35.620 --> 00:11:37.600 really need to go. And that means we're going 00:11:37.600 --> 00:11:39.279 to stop in the kitchen, talk for a little bit 00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:40.460 more, and then after we talk, then we're going 00:11:40.460 --> 00:11:41.840 to get near the door and talk a little bit more. 00:11:41.960 --> 00:11:45.980 But you tell the kids, right? I've seen this 00:11:45.980 --> 00:11:47.960 so many times. Now, this is self -confession. 00:11:48.899 --> 00:11:51.320 Okay, guys, clean up those toys. Got to get to 00:11:51.320 --> 00:11:54.720 go right now. And, I mean, you watch these two, 00:11:54.740 --> 00:11:57.539 like, five -year -olds. They don't even budge. 00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:00.399 I mean, they don't even budge because our kids 00:12:00.399 --> 00:12:02.059 are way better students of us than we are of 00:12:02.059 --> 00:12:04.360 them. And so then you move from the kitchen, 00:12:04.419 --> 00:12:06.240 you get near the door, and you really do need 00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:08.720 to go, hey, hey, hey, guys, didn't I just tell 00:12:08.720 --> 00:12:10.600 you? Come on now, let's go. Pick that stuff up. 00:12:11.419 --> 00:12:13.399 These two five -year -olds are, you know, Legos 00:12:13.399 --> 00:12:14.980 are still putting together, you know. It's like, 00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:16.759 you know, if we could read their mind, it's like, 00:12:16.840 --> 00:12:20.200 this means absolutely nothing. In a couple minutes, 00:12:20.299 --> 00:12:22.480 we might have to go. And then they hear this 00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:26.720 from one of us. Hey, how can I tell you pick 00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:28.620 up those toys right now? Get those toys up here. 00:12:28.679 --> 00:12:30.120 You know, I can't, I'm embarrassed of these people 00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:33.220 right now. And the kid calmly looks at his friend 00:12:33.220 --> 00:12:37.779 and goes, I think we're going to go. You know 00:12:37.779 --> 00:12:41.710 a different picture? And it takes such time and 00:12:41.710 --> 00:12:44.889 such diligence. But see, that child has learned 00:12:44.889 --> 00:12:47.490 when you scream, when you're upset, when you 00:12:47.490 --> 00:12:50.350 act like that, there's probably consequences, 00:12:50.409 --> 00:12:53.350 so they need to respond. The other option is 00:12:53.350 --> 00:12:56.110 you walk over to those kids that are 3, 4, 5, 00:12:56.230 --> 00:12:58.409 6, 7, depending on their personality and how 00:12:58.409 --> 00:13:01.309 off the charts they are, and you get their little 00:13:01.309 --> 00:13:06.049 face, and you look into their eyes. Bobby? Bobby? 00:13:06.490 --> 00:13:10.500 Yeah. We're going to leave in two minutes. You 00:13:10.500 --> 00:13:14.100 can play for one more minute, and then you pick 00:13:14.100 --> 00:13:20.360 up your toys. Bobby, do you understand? Okay, 00:13:20.460 --> 00:13:23.179 we're going to be right there, and I'm going 00:13:23.179 --> 00:13:24.879 to tell you in one minute to pick up the toys. 00:13:25.159 --> 00:13:28.600 Got it? Yeah. You walk over here. Hey, we really 00:13:28.600 --> 00:13:32.399 need to go. Okay, Bobby, it's time. Pick them 00:13:32.399 --> 00:13:34.899 up right now, and especially if you're a father, 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:39.460 you use your father voice. The deep voice. The 00:13:39.460 --> 00:13:42.399 deep voice that says to them, this is not a warning. 00:13:42.539 --> 00:13:45.440 This is not an option. I mean it right now. You're 00:13:45.440 --> 00:13:47.919 calm. You're clothed. You're in your right mind. 00:13:48.059 --> 00:13:51.379 And if he doesn't move, consequences happen rapidly. 00:13:52.340 --> 00:13:54.019 And you know what that little boy and that little 00:13:54.019 --> 00:13:56.940 girl learns? They learn that when you say going 00:13:56.940 --> 00:13:59.500 to the grocery store, no, we can't have that 00:13:59.500 --> 00:14:01.720 today. They don't act like, you know, they're 00:14:01.720 --> 00:14:04.220 on drugs. Mom, what's going to happen? Have you 00:14:04.220 --> 00:14:06.899 seen this in the grocery stores, right? Or, you 00:14:06.899 --> 00:14:08.980 know, like Target, I've got to have these toys. 00:14:09.080 --> 00:14:10.620 You know, they're throwing them in the basket, 00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:12.480 and parents are going, I'm so embarrassed, I 00:14:12.480 --> 00:14:17.919 guess I'll just buy it. Teach your kids to obey 00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:25.279 your voice calmly, with consequences, with rewards, 00:14:25.639 --> 00:14:29.960 with love, and with tenderness. It's a hard job. 00:14:30.559 --> 00:14:35.009 It takes a lot of time. Most five -year -olds 00:14:35.009 --> 00:14:37.590 are running the world. That's why McDonald's 00:14:37.590 --> 00:14:41.070 markets to them. Where are we going to go to 00:14:41.070 --> 00:14:42.889 eat? I don't want that. Why do they call it a 00:14:42.889 --> 00:14:46.970 happy meal, right? You're listening to Living 00:14:46.970 --> 00:14:49.929 on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And before he continues 00:14:49.929 --> 00:14:53.110 our new series, Uninvited Guests, I want to remind 00:14:53.110 --> 00:14:55.529 you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples 00:14:55.529 --> 00:14:58.289 and parents are only possible because of listeners 00:14:58.289 --> 00:15:01.379 like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep 00:15:01.379 --> 00:15:03.879 listening after today's message as Chip shares 00:15:03.879 --> 00:15:06.740 more of his heart for preserving the family and 00:15:06.740 --> 00:15:09.320 why now is a great time to partner with us in 00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:12.379 this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now, 00:15:12.399 --> 00:15:15.940 let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk. Third, 00:15:16.139 --> 00:15:19.399 you must remember that obedience is a developmental 00:15:19.399 --> 00:15:23.279 process. Now, what I mean by this is that children 00:15:23.279 --> 00:15:27.610 don't... Just learn to obey. Just as they physically 00:15:27.610 --> 00:15:31.629 develop, just as they mentally develop, and just 00:15:31.629 --> 00:15:33.909 as they more develop, you need to understand 00:15:33.909 --> 00:15:35.870 that they're involved in a process. Just like 00:15:35.870 --> 00:15:38.389 there's seasons, there's a way that a two -year 00:15:38.389 --> 00:15:40.049 -old, a four -year -old, an eight -year -old, 00:15:40.070 --> 00:15:41.909 an 11 -year -old, a 13 -year -old, a 15 -year 00:15:41.909 --> 00:15:44.429 -old, and a 22 -year -old, they think differently. 00:15:44.690 --> 00:15:47.049 Their bodies are different. The hormones are 00:15:47.049 --> 00:15:50.620 different. You need to understand. That learning 00:15:50.620 --> 00:15:53.580 obedience is different at different stages, but 00:15:53.580 --> 00:15:56.159 this is our number one job. Because obedience 00:15:56.159 --> 00:16:00.480 is the channel through which God's biggest and 00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:03.379 best plans for your child are delivered. That 00:16:03.379 --> 00:16:06.399 it might be well with them. Notice the passage 00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:08.980 here. Although he was a son, speaking of Jesus, 00:16:09.080 --> 00:16:11.879 he learned obedience from what he suffered. Perfect 00:16:11.879 --> 00:16:14.659 deity, but perfect humanity. He went through 00:16:14.659 --> 00:16:18.080 the normal process. Jesus had to learn to obey. 00:16:18.200 --> 00:16:20.539 If Jesus had to learn to obey, think about our 00:16:20.539 --> 00:16:23.559 kids. And then notice the developmental process 00:16:23.559 --> 00:16:26.980 in Luke 2 .52. Jesus grew in wisdom and stature 00:16:26.980 --> 00:16:30.440 and in favor with God and favor with men. Wisdom, 00:16:30.440 --> 00:16:33.440 intellectual development. Stature, physical development. 00:16:33.820 --> 00:16:36.720 Favor with God, spiritual development. Favor 00:16:36.720 --> 00:16:41.299 with men, social development. And so I put a 00:16:41.299 --> 00:16:44.000 little chart here. You'll notice it says spiritual 00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:46.779 formation and mental development. Literally, 00:16:46.840 --> 00:16:51.000 it's mental and moral development. My background 00:16:51.000 --> 00:16:54.700 before I went to seminary was in education and 00:16:54.700 --> 00:16:57.720 in psychology, kind of sports psychology and 00:16:57.720 --> 00:17:00.639 educational psychology. So how do kids learn? 00:17:00.960 --> 00:17:02.980 And how do people learn? And how do they grow? 00:17:03.389 --> 00:17:05.849 And that little chart you see is from a fellow 00:17:05.849 --> 00:17:08.789 named Lawrence Kohlberg, who made his life study 00:17:08.789 --> 00:17:12.809 to examine how do little children at various 00:17:12.809 --> 00:17:16.450 stages grow? How do their minds work so that 00:17:16.450 --> 00:17:19.750 they learn both mentally and morally? Because 00:17:19.750 --> 00:17:21.609 what I would suggest is when you don't understand 00:17:21.609 --> 00:17:25.089 how God has made children, we often do the very 00:17:25.089 --> 00:17:27.839 opposite of what they need. And so notice the 00:17:27.839 --> 00:17:30.500 little chart here. When a child is zero to about 00:17:30.500 --> 00:17:32.460 four or five years of age, notice underneath, 00:17:32.599 --> 00:17:35.920 they just think in concrete terms. Explanations 00:17:35.920 --> 00:17:38.420 about why and, you know, you shouldn't do that 00:17:38.420 --> 00:17:40.400 and say you're sorry because of this and, you 00:17:40.400 --> 00:17:42.299 know, these three passages and, you know, the 00:17:42.299 --> 00:17:44.759 sanctification process is about this and these 00:17:44.759 --> 00:17:47.559 four verses and this lecture. They're four years 00:17:47.559 --> 00:17:51.779 old. Right? Wrong. Just information. They just 00:17:51.779 --> 00:17:54.099 need to know the rules. What's right? What's 00:17:54.099 --> 00:17:57.589 wrong? As they get beyond that into the 6, 9, 00:17:57.710 --> 00:18:00.130 10, 11, and by the way, it's a very sliding scale 00:18:00.130 --> 00:18:02.670 because kids mature at different times, mentally, 00:18:02.869 --> 00:18:05.730 morally, spiritually, physically. And then you 00:18:05.730 --> 00:18:07.750 want to tie obedience to the who relationship. 00:18:08.650 --> 00:18:11.230 This is right, this is wrong, but it's about 00:18:11.230 --> 00:18:14.009 a love relationship. I want you to do this out 00:18:14.009 --> 00:18:16.890 of respect for me. I want you to treat your brother 00:18:16.890 --> 00:18:20.049 like this because you care for him. When you 00:18:20.049 --> 00:18:23.750 disobey or when you lie to me, 9, 10, 11 -year 00:18:23.750 --> 00:18:25.829 -old, do you understand what it does to our relationship? 00:18:26.410 --> 00:18:29.990 So obedience goes from simply what is right and 00:18:29.990 --> 00:18:33.750 what is wrong to who. And so write that above 00:18:33.750 --> 00:18:36.589 that. As they get older, and for some as early 00:18:36.589 --> 00:18:38.490 as 11, for most people it's going to be in the 00:18:38.490 --> 00:18:41.630 early teens. And so somewhere between 11 to 14, 00:18:41.730 --> 00:18:44.809 15, their developmental reasoning is happening, 00:18:44.930 --> 00:18:47.309 and they can now think in more abstract ways. 00:18:47.750 --> 00:18:49.789 And so now you want to begin to not just say, 00:18:49.869 --> 00:18:52.349 this is right, this is wrong, and out of relationship. 00:18:52.710 --> 00:18:55.549 The first is about the what. The next is about 00:18:55.549 --> 00:18:59.970 the who. This is about the why. Why can't I go 00:18:59.970 --> 00:19:03.289 with my friends to that movie? Why can't I do 00:19:03.289 --> 00:19:06.369 what everyone else is doing? Why do we as a family 00:19:06.369 --> 00:19:11.910 have to do this? A very bad answer is, because 00:19:11.910 --> 00:19:15.750 I said so, that's why. That frustrates kids. 00:19:16.529 --> 00:19:19.990 They can reason now. They understand this is 00:19:19.990 --> 00:19:23.470 the truth, this is the what, this is the who 00:19:23.470 --> 00:19:26.450 of the relationship with God, and this is the 00:19:26.450 --> 00:19:30.170 why. here's the damage it could do. This is the 00:19:30.170 --> 00:19:32.849 problem that it would create. And then finally, 00:19:32.849 --> 00:19:35.130 when they get into somewhere between 16 to their 00:19:35.130 --> 00:19:38.710 very early 20s, you really want them to have 00:19:38.710 --> 00:19:41.569 resolve. And what I mean by that is you want 00:19:41.569 --> 00:19:44.950 them to make their own decisions, and you go 00:19:44.950 --> 00:19:47.289 from sort of in the early days, you're the commander, 00:19:47.450 --> 00:19:50.869 right? This is the way it is. Then you turn from 00:19:50.869 --> 00:19:54.180 the commander to the... to the instructor, okay? 00:19:54.299 --> 00:19:56.720 I care about you. And then you go from the instructor 00:19:56.720 --> 00:20:00.480 to the coach. This is why. And then you literally, 00:20:00.619 --> 00:20:02.599 in the later years, you're becoming a consultant. 00:20:02.839 --> 00:20:04.960 And what you really want them to do is learn 00:20:04.960 --> 00:20:07.559 to make the right decisions for the right reason 00:20:07.559 --> 00:20:10.660 in relationship to God and you and other people. 00:20:11.319 --> 00:20:13.819 And that creates a very, very different approach. 00:20:14.859 --> 00:20:18.240 This is outlined. Some of you are looking at 00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:20.710 me like... Wow, these have huge implications. 00:20:21.009 --> 00:20:24.349 These have huge implications. We ended up putting 00:20:24.349 --> 00:20:26.509 this in a book form called Effective Parenting 00:20:26.509 --> 00:20:28.670 in a Defective World where I develop it a lot 00:20:28.670 --> 00:20:31.140 more. Because here's our tendency. Here's what 00:20:31.140 --> 00:20:34.140 we do. When you're a young parent, you so want 00:20:34.140 --> 00:20:36.140 to do it right, and you want your kids to turn 00:20:36.140 --> 00:20:38.519 out so right, and we do things like this. You 00:20:38.519 --> 00:20:39.759 know, like a three -year -old and a four -year 00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:41.160 -old, they're fighting, or a five -year -old, 00:20:41.220 --> 00:20:43.720 and we get them together. Now, you too, you need 00:20:43.720 --> 00:20:45.859 to say you're sorry. You need to confess your 00:20:45.859 --> 00:20:49.200 sins. Have you memorized 1 John 1 .9? Say that 00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:51.279 to him. If we confess our sins, he's faithful 00:20:51.279 --> 00:20:53.980 and just to forgive us our sins. Okay, then here's 00:20:53.980 --> 00:20:55.779 what I, and you know, we have these long explanations. 00:20:56.059 --> 00:20:59.190 They're four. They're five years old. Or we say, 00:20:59.250 --> 00:21:01.089 now, do you have Jesus in your heart? And the 00:21:01.089 --> 00:21:02.869 kid will say, I don't think there's room there. 00:21:03.789 --> 00:21:10.549 He's very big. So we talk, talk, talk, talk instead 00:21:10.549 --> 00:21:15.309 of behavior, calmness, reward, consequences. 00:21:16.029 --> 00:21:18.970 And then they get to be teenagers. Well, we're 00:21:18.970 --> 00:21:21.410 still fearful, but we're worn out. You know? 00:21:22.570 --> 00:21:24.369 And so they say, you know, I don't understand 00:21:24.369 --> 00:21:26.289 why, you know, all the other kids, and his dad's 00:21:26.289 --> 00:21:28.309 even, you know, he goes to church too, and they're 00:21:28.309 --> 00:21:29.589 seeing this movie, and they're going to have 00:21:29.589 --> 00:21:31.769 a stay overnight, and his parents are at home, 00:21:31.809 --> 00:21:33.829 but you should really trust me, and I don't understand, 00:21:34.029 --> 00:21:35.430 you know, he's only been to juvenile detention 00:21:35.430 --> 00:21:37.950 once, and, you know, he said he was sorry, and 00:21:37.950 --> 00:21:41.630 why can't I go? And your answer is, because I 00:21:41.630 --> 00:21:44.609 said so. And I'm the mom, or I'm the dad. And 00:21:44.609 --> 00:21:46.170 they slam the door and go to your room, and you 00:21:46.170 --> 00:21:51.880 don't talk. When they're small, You're kind, 00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:55.279 you're calm, you're under control. There's consequences, 00:21:55.640 --> 00:21:58.880 there's behavior, very short explanations. The 00:21:58.880 --> 00:22:01.259 older they get and they have all those questions, 00:22:01.500 --> 00:22:05.019 you say, wow, that is a great question. You know 00:22:05.019 --> 00:22:07.039 what, let's go grab a Coke or a cup of coffee. 00:22:07.140 --> 00:22:09.740 Let's talk about it. And you say, okay, let's, 00:22:09.740 --> 00:22:12.900 you know, and this is where as a parent, you 00:22:12.900 --> 00:22:15.460 say, you know, I've been reading in the Proverbs 00:22:15.460 --> 00:22:18.799 and the Proverbs in 1320 says that he who dwells 00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:21.279 with wise men will be wise. but the companion 00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:24.220 of a fool will suffer harm. And you know what? 00:22:24.259 --> 00:22:26.920 You just hang around the wrong people. This is 00:22:26.920 --> 00:22:30.380 always what happens. And I love you, and your 00:22:30.380 --> 00:22:33.039 mom loves you, and we're for you. And this is 00:22:33.039 --> 00:22:35.660 a boundary that I really can't budge on, and 00:22:35.660 --> 00:22:38.859 I understand it, but this is the why behind it. 00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:41.920 Now, they may not go, oh, dad, mom, thanks so 00:22:41.920 --> 00:22:43.779 much. I get it now, and you even read a verse 00:22:43.779 --> 00:22:45.720 from the Bible. I just feel ooey -gooey inside. 00:22:45.819 --> 00:22:48.359 No, no, no, no. But what they'll be treated like 00:22:48.359 --> 00:22:50.839 as an adult, and they'll have a reason and a 00:22:50.839 --> 00:22:54.279 why. When they get a little bit older, right, 00:22:54.420 --> 00:22:57.039 and they want to do something, it's gray. And 00:22:57.039 --> 00:22:59.000 down deep, you know, this is not the best thing. 00:22:59.759 --> 00:23:02.579 Okay? This is where you want to develop convictions. 00:23:03.200 --> 00:23:05.940 And so often my kids, you know, they're 17 or 00:23:05.940 --> 00:23:08.960 late 16, 17, and they're saying, I really want 00:23:08.960 --> 00:23:11.059 to do this. And you're thinking, I do not feel 00:23:11.059 --> 00:23:13.000 good about this. I don't think it's a good idea. 00:23:13.140 --> 00:23:15.400 But the worst that can happen is a fender bender. 00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:17.839 You know what I mean by that? I mean, you know, 00:23:17.859 --> 00:23:20.099 no one's going to die probably. It's not going 00:23:20.099 --> 00:23:24.299 to be good. And so instead of saying no, I often, 00:23:24.440 --> 00:23:26.900 when I got to here, because I want them to get 00:23:26.900 --> 00:23:29.480 resolved, I'd say, well, you know what? And then 00:23:29.480 --> 00:23:31.200 I remember when they start looking at me. So 00:23:31.200 --> 00:23:32.839 what I want you to do is, I want you to just 00:23:32.839 --> 00:23:36.509 pray about this for 24, 48 hours. What? I mean, 00:23:36.529 --> 00:23:38.089 whether I can go on this thing with this group 00:23:38.089 --> 00:23:39.730 and do that. Yeah, I just want you to pray. You 00:23:39.730 --> 00:23:42.170 ask God whether you think this is good. And then 00:23:42.170 --> 00:23:44.710 let's get together in 24 or 48 hours. And you 00:23:44.710 --> 00:23:46.789 tell me how God's leading you and why you think 00:23:46.789 --> 00:23:49.730 it's a good idea. Now, at times they made the 00:23:49.730 --> 00:23:52.130 decision I didn't think was very good. But they 00:23:52.130 --> 00:23:54.710 processed it. They owned it. They did it. And 00:23:54.710 --> 00:23:56.829 sometimes when it wasn't very good, guess what? 00:23:56.950 --> 00:23:58.829 They got the consequences. It wasn't very good. 00:24:00.210 --> 00:24:02.430 And other times I was actually surprised. When 00:24:02.430 --> 00:24:05.259 I put the ball on their court, it was like. No, 00:24:05.259 --> 00:24:08.680 I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah, I'm 00:24:08.680 --> 00:24:14.099 not going to go. Do you see? When you want to 00:24:14.099 --> 00:24:17.059 develop obedience, you need to understand the 00:24:17.059 --> 00:24:20.400 age of your child and the moral development because 00:24:20.400 --> 00:24:24.839 the goal, the goal is they learn to obey from 00:24:24.839 --> 00:24:29.200 the heart, you, and even more importantly then, 00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:36.609 God. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, 00:24:36.650 --> 00:24:38.869 and you've been listening to part one of Chip's 00:24:38.869 --> 00:24:41.609 message, How to Develop Your Child's Full Potential, 00:24:41.630 --> 00:24:44.950 from our series, Uninvited Guests. Chip will 00:24:44.950 --> 00:24:47.089 be back shortly to share some helpful application 00:24:47.089 --> 00:24:50.289 for us to think about. We've all heard it said 00:24:50.289 --> 00:24:52.549 that raising kids isn't for the faint of heart. 00:24:52.809 --> 00:24:55.490 Every parent can attest that it can be deeply 00:24:55.490 --> 00:24:58.450 encouraging and life -giving one moment and want 00:24:58.450 --> 00:25:01.339 to pull out your hair frustrating the next. And 00:25:01.339 --> 00:25:03.759 those emotional ups and downs don't include the 00:25:03.759 --> 00:25:06.339 external challenges and pressures that kids, 00:25:06.339 --> 00:25:09.480 moms, and dads face every day. So over the next 00:25:09.480 --> 00:25:11.619 handful of messages, Chip will highlight biblical 00:25:11.619 --> 00:25:13.960 principles to help navigate the complexities 00:25:13.960 --> 00:25:17.119 of raising kids in today's world. Don't miss 00:25:17.119 --> 00:25:19.759 the insightful wisdom from God's Word, along 00:25:19.759 --> 00:25:22.619 with practical advice from a seasoned dad to 00:25:22.619 --> 00:25:25.640 guide you along your parenting journey. If you've 00:25:25.640 --> 00:25:29.079 missed any part of this series, catch up at livingontheedge 00:25:29.079 --> 00:25:33.569 .org. or wherever you listen to podcasts. Well, 00:25:33.609 --> 00:25:35.730 before we go any further, our Bible teacher Chip 00:25:35.730 --> 00:25:37.809 Ingram is with us in studio to share a quick 00:25:37.809 --> 00:25:41.170 word with all of you. Chip? Thanks, Dave. Over 00:25:41.170 --> 00:25:43.670 the years, I've counseled hundreds of couples, 00:25:43.769 --> 00:25:46.869 and I've heard one thing over and over. We've 00:25:46.869 --> 00:25:50.569 just fallen out of love. Now we just have disagreements 00:25:50.569 --> 00:25:52.930 and disappointments, and we annoy one another. 00:25:53.210 --> 00:25:55.569 We're Christians. We know God's plan, but we 00:25:55.569 --> 00:25:58.109 just can't make it work. And what I can tell 00:25:58.109 --> 00:26:00.910 you is that there's lies that couples are believing 00:26:00.910 --> 00:26:04.450 that lead to divorce that literally crush their 00:26:04.450 --> 00:26:07.410 kids and bring about regret and heartache at 00:26:07.410 --> 00:26:10.029 levels that they can't imagine. And if I would 00:26:10.029 --> 00:26:11.710 have believed those things, Teresa and I would 00:26:11.710 --> 00:26:14.289 not be married today. But thankfully, it was 00:26:14.289 --> 00:26:16.650 the truth that we got from a marriage counselor. 00:26:16.769 --> 00:26:19.210 When we felt like we were falling out of love, 00:26:19.329 --> 00:26:22.210 when we couldn't make things work, we got the 00:26:22.210 --> 00:26:25.250 truth in our mind to begin to work through the 00:26:25.250 --> 00:26:27.640 tough areas of our marriage. And now, decades 00:26:27.640 --> 00:26:30.740 later, we've created Marriage That Works truth 00:26:30.740 --> 00:26:33.940 cards to give you what God used to transform 00:26:33.940 --> 00:26:36.599 our marriage. And I'll tell you what, if you'll 00:26:36.599 --> 00:26:39.480 review a few of these every single day for 30 00:26:39.480 --> 00:26:42.980 days, 60 days, your thinking will change, you'll 00:26:42.980 --> 00:26:45.519 be glad you did, and your kids will be glad you 00:26:45.519 --> 00:26:48.359 did. So, Dave, take a minute now and share with 00:26:48.359 --> 00:26:50.980 people how they can get these cards. Sure, Chip. 00:26:51.099 --> 00:26:53.240 It's actually really simple. Throughout this 00:26:53.240 --> 00:26:55.859 entire series, for anyone who chooses to become 00:26:55.859 --> 00:26:58.500 a monthly partner with Living on the Edge, we'll 00:26:58.500 --> 00:27:00.759 send you these new Marriage That Works truth 00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:03.900 cards as our way of saying thanks. So please 00:27:03.900 --> 00:27:06.299 pray about supporting us. Your gifts have an 00:27:06.299 --> 00:27:08.700 eternal impact as we fight for marriages and 00:27:08.700 --> 00:27:11.440 families everywhere. To learn how to become a 00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:14.920 monthly partner, visit livingontheedge .org or 00:27:14.920 --> 00:27:22.279 call us at 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333 -6003 00:27:22.279 --> 00:27:26.859 or go to livingontheedge .org. App listeners, 00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:30.119 tap donate. Join us next time as Chip continues 00:27:30.119 --> 00:27:33.480 his series, Uninvited Guests. Until then, I'm 00:27:33.480 --> 00:27:35.519 Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening to this 00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:37.359 edition of Living on the Edge.