Conflicts with kids are inevitable. And I think
one of the most intimidating things about parenting
is the fear of losing our kids when these conflicts
present themselves. Well, today I'm going to
share eight specific key things that you can
do that will build the kind of relationship so
that you can weather just about any conflict.
Stay with me. Thank you for being with us for
this edition of Living on the Edge with Chip
Ingram. Chip serves as our Bible teacher for
this global teaching and discipleship ministry,
helping Christians develop an authentic faith.
Well, we're in the middle of our series, Uninvited
Guests, and right now we're diving back into
the second half of Chip's talk, How to Raise
Positive Kids in a Negative World. So if you
have your notes and Bible ready, here again is
Chip. First Thessalonians chapter 2, he says,
But we were gentle among you, how? Like a mother,
circle the word mother, caring for her little
children. He says, this is how we treated you.
We loved you so much that we're delighted to
share with you not only the gospel of God, I
mean, not just the content, not the truth, but
our own lives as well. Why? Because you had become
so dear to us. Would you underline the word gentle,
caring, loved, share, dear to us? He's saying,
we loved you, and this is how. A child needs
a mother's love. There's a tenderness. There's
a nurturing. There's a commitment. There's a
pouring out your life that builds relationships
that bond. But kids need a father's love. Now,
both do both, but he says, for you know that
we dealt with each of you as a father, a circle
father. Well, how should a father deal with his
child? One who encourages, comforting, and urging
you. What? Notice the target. the man in the
house, living a life worthy of God. The world
is not about you. It's not how many points you
score. It's not your SAT scores. It's not that
you got in Ivy League school or Stanford. If
those things happen, great. If you happen to
be a good musician, athlete, great. I want you
to live a life worthy of God. That's the target
who calls you into his kingdom and glory. I did
a word study on each of these words, encouraging,
comforting, and urging. And the role of the father,
the mother, is nurturing and caring, and we get
to do that as dads. But the role of the father,
the first word is you're the biggest cheerleader.
Something about a dad on the sidelines, you can
do it, honey. Great job here. Oh, you'll do okay
on that test. I'm for you. I'm 100%. You're their
biggest cheerleader. You inspire. You praise,
you encourage. The next word is translated comforting,
but this word is also translated exhorting, admonishing.
It's the idea of you want to help your child,
but as you're helping your child, sometimes the
goal is how do you help them break through a
barrier? And sometimes what they need is, you
know, they fell off the balance beam, or they
really did bad on a test, or they were in the
recital and they completely froze, and they need
comforted. They need to say, hey, it's okay.
Life is more than a recital, this or that, and
that dad comes in. I'm for you, a comfort. But
sometimes the barrier is they get full of themselves.
And you've told them, look, I don't want you
to hang out with those two people. We know what
happens in their home. Their parents aren't home.
There's a lot of free alcohol and drugs going
on. I forbid you to hang out with them and ever
go in their home when their parents aren't there.
And then, of course, somehow, I think God orchestrates
this, at least did in my life and even with my
kids. You find out stuff that you'd never know
how you found it out, right? And here's what
a dad does. Son, sit down. Now, we need to have
a very serious talk, and your deep dad voice
kicks in. I'm not sure if there was something
that wasn't clear about what we talked about,
about not hanging around with those two people
or going into that house, but I'm aware you did.
There may be some extenuating circumstances that
I don't know about, but let's get this straight
right now. Consequences will be severe and swift.
But you're such a great kid and I believe in
you so much and I trust you so much. This is
a warning. The next word is urge. This is the
severe consequences kick in. And so the dad is
going, you can do it. I'm going to help you break
through a barrier. And then finally is draw a
line in the sand. You know something? You went
to that house again. We agreed. We have a written
contract. You're now grounded for a week. I'm
really sorry that you'll miss the prom, your
first basketball game or whatever. And your mother
is crying and she will get over it. But this
is the way it is. Those were true stories. Here's
the... Here's the principle. I put a little picture
on here that I think will be helpful. In your
heart of hearts, you're making progress and you
have certain values and beliefs, right? You love
God. You want to be a person of integrity. You
want your kid to be other -centered. You want
him to be kind. You want him to learn how to
be a team player. You want him to make a significant
contribution to other people. And you say to
yourself, these are my values, and I want to
transmit those values across this bridge of life
from zero to about early 20s and sometimes a
little bit later. And here's what it is. Your
values, not what you say, by the way, but how
you actually live, your values will be transmitted
across this bridge of relationship. And there's
going to be a lot of ups and downs, so it's the
strength of the glue of your relationship that
that bridge can hold a lot of truth and a lot
of disappointment and a lot of pain. And so it
very simply goes like this. Axiom number one
would be the stronger the relationship you have
with your child, the more likely they will embrace
the values that you have. Flip it over. The weaker
relationship that you have with your child, the
less likely they will embrace the values that
you have. And finally, tension and conflict are
inevitable. So they're going to cross that bridge.
There's going to be times where you're on this
page and they're on that page. And what will
sustain you over time is all that time invested
in building a glue from the heart that when you
have to say hard things and they slam the door,
I don't love you anymore. You're the worst mom
in the whole world. I just can't stand it. I
wish you were a dad, but I wish you weren't a
Christian dad. I've heard all of that. And you
know what? They get over it. They get over it
if you know you live it, you love them, and as
much as they scream and cry out because of the
pressure externally, they can embrace and they
see your life. And every year that they get older,
they see the wisdom of God's way in your life.
So let me give you eight very specific ways to
build that kind of relationship. I'll go a bit
fast because these are things you can really
develop. And then I want you, as I go through
these, I'd like you to be asking yourself, what
one of these? You can do two if you want. But
what one of these this week, what I'm going to
start doing, even if my kids are grown. even
if I have to figure out a way to do it long distance.
Number one is unconditional love. This may come
naturally for a lot of you. Verbalize your unconditional
love. Let them know, I love you. Communicate
verbally, I love you. Embrace them in ways that
communicate unconditional love. Try and find
opportunities when you know they've failed and
they know they've failed, where you separate
their bad behavior or their failure from them.
What you did is unacceptable. Who you are is
always acceptable. So multiple, multiple ways
you want to communicate unconditional love. I'm
for you no matter what. Sometimes you do that
verbally. Sometimes you do it by your behavior.
Out of our four kids, we had one son that we
went through about a four -year season of rebellion.
And he did not want to be around me. He did not
want to be around our family. He did not want
to do anything. He said, you know, Dad, I kind
of like you as a person. I wish you weren't a
Christian dad. I don't know if I believe in Jesus
or anything. I want to stay out as late. I want
to do what all my friends do. And sometimes unconditional
love is you can't have your own way. But son,
every other week, you and I are going to go out
to breakfast and you can keep rolling your eyes
and I'm still going to come to your games and
I'm still going to pray for you out loud and
we're still going to hang out because there's
nothing you can do ever to make me stop loving
you. How do you do that? See, our kids can wound
us like no one else. They can hurt you like no
one else. And what, if you're not careful, is
when they wound you, you start putting up walls.
Because when you get wounded, even with your
own kids, you want to pay them back. And what
we know how to do in very sophisticated ways
is now to love them conditionally and manipulate
their life. The second is scheduled time. Lots
of ways you can do this, but can I just give
you three quick ones? Have dates with your kids.
And I know some of you have a lot of kids, some
not too many, and maybe it's every other week.
Second, only have one calendar, especially those
that work outside the home. One calendar. I mean,
for years I had my work calendar and then, you
know, on the refrigerator we had the family calendar.
And here's what can happen if you're not careful.
Boy, there's a real big meeting and this is a
big thing and a big project at work and, oh,
here's this really, really thing. We've got to
do that. Oh, yeah, well, honey, you know, we
were supposed to go out to breakfast. We'll do
that next week. Or, you know, we try to eat as
a family. But, you know, you have these seasons.
You have these times. It's only lasted nine years.
But it's a very long season. And I'm up before,
you know, the sun comes up. And I get home basically
after dark. But, you know, it's quality time,
right? You know? I take you to Disneyland. I
buy you lots of stuff because I feel guilty inside.
And put them all on the same calendar. And then
when someone says, can you do this or that? You
know, I'd love to. I get a very important commitment.
You don't have to tell them it's eating with
your family. You don't have to tell them it's
having breakfast or lunch with one of your kids.
I got news for you. After all the deals you get
done doing and all the super important stuff,
you have them for a window of time. I mean, inside
your house for very limited time. And what happens
in that very limited time, it will shape. I mean,
you hit 50 through about 80. If you live that
long, it will shape all those years. And you
won't even remember the deals. Is there balance?
Is there seasons? Common sense? Yeah. Schedule
time with your kids. Eat together as a family.
No technology on. No people going on the plates.
They heat their stuff up. You heat your stuff
up. If you're eating in minivans because you
have practice on Monday, practice on Wednesday,
something on Thursday, something on Friday, ask
yourself, if you were from a different planet,
And someone stepped in and said, excuse me, I'm
from a different planet. I'm doing an analysis
on what really matters to people. I noticed that
you were doing this, this, this, this, this,
and this. So the goal of all parenting is that
you watch your kids play sports and you sit in
stands with people you don't know. Is this correct?
Is that your long -term goal? And you would say,
no. Then why are you doing it? Because Johnny
would be so disappointed if he doesn't get to
be on that team with all his friends, and he
might cry. Let him cry. Let him know he's a loved
son or a loved daughter. Schedule time. The third
schedule time is dinner, dates, and bedtimes.
Men especially, put your kids to bed. Tell them
stories. Read them Bible stories. Make up stories
about yourself. Third is focused attention, listening
in an understanding way. Cornell University did
a study of two -year -olds. They put a microphone
on them for a couple weeks until everyone realized
that they didn't notice them anymore. And then
they had fathers come in, and they discovered
that the average father, except for high and
bi, are you ready for this, was spending a whopping
37 seconds per week in meaningful conversation
with their kids. I mean, will you really listen?
How many of us get in the car, kids in the car?
Yeah, honey, I'll be right with you, be right
with you. Yeah, how'd your day go? Oh, Dad, you
can't believe what happened. You know, we were
coloring monsters. And, you know, I got a business
meeting here, and I say I got to order that stuff.
Yeah, yeah, good monsters? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Excuse me, I got to take this. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Bobby, yeah, yeah, right, yeah. Tell them we
can't do that. No, hey, are you kidding me? The
stock just went down. Oh, yeah, yeah, honey,
tell me about the monsters. No, no, Dad, it was
monsters. You know what? They get it. You're
not here. I don't matter. I don't matter. Paper's
up. Eyes are here. You got to be there. Focused
attention, and part of focused attention is eye
contact. You look them in the eye. You shut off
stuff. There's a powerful, the eyes are the window
of the soul. Your kids need to see you look into
their eyes and almost be able to feel what's
going through your mind is, I can't believe I
get to be this boy or girl's dad or mom. They
are so precious, and I love them so much. That's
what they need to see when you look into their
eye because that's what you're feeling inside.
And everything else will wait, and you never
have to rush with your kids. So you schedule
time, and you make it matter. This is Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and Chip will be
back to finish today's message in just a minute.
But let me first gently ask you, is your marriage
in trouble right now? Do you and your mate need
a practical biblical tool to revive and transform
your relationship? Well, we've developed a brand
new resource designed to do just that. So stick
around after the teaching to hear about this
practical way we are encouraging couples. Until
then, here again is Chip to continue our series,
Uninvited Guests. Number five is consistent or
ongoing communication. Did we mention eating
together? Oh, yes. You have to talk. And by the
way, there's some of you that are going, oh,
man, start with two times a week. It's a novel
idea. It happened historically. Cook some food
in your own house. It's a thought. There's a
range. We've got some burners and stuff rarely
used, but you'll figure it out. It's not that
hard. Get some food. Cook it. Set a table. Turn
the TV, computers, everything off, and sit around.
It'll be weird at first. And then ask, like,
how did your day go at school? Or how are you
feeling today? or what made you happy, or what
was your biggest challenge, and then be prepared
for nothing. Okay, fine. And what you are is
you smile and say inside, I refuse to allow that
to be our dinner table conversation. Well, I'm
going to tell you what happened with me. And
honestly, tell them some stuff. They won't understand
it all. I had a big meeting today, and this is
what happened. And they're going, what? And you
create a culture. where there's a safe place
where all the world gets pushed aside. What did
Jesus do the very last night he was going to
be with his disciples? They ate together. Jesus
got accused of being such a terrible person because
what did he do with tax collectors and sinners?
He ate with them. The very first thing that happens
in heaven when it all gets wrapped up, we're
going to the marriage supper of the... There's
something about eating. There's secular research
that talks about families that eat together are
healthy and they have great relationships. Ongoing
communication. Meaningful touching is critical.
The largest organ you have is your skin. When
your kids are small, if you're a dad especially,
wrestle with them, wrestle with them, wrestle
with them. They want to be touched. We feel affirmed
and loved when we're touched. Your daughters
need to have non -sexual touching to feel feminine
and important and valuable and to know that men
can be safe. I remember early I would come home
and always bug Teresa. I couldn't figure out
why. She was in the middle of cooking dinner
and I'd always want to come and mess around and
kiss her or something. And she's going, you know,
like, is this really the right time? And I would
say, yes, actually it is, you know. I'm only
wanting to model this for our children, you know.
It has nothing to do with any sexual desires
or anything like that. I'm just a loving father
trying to model something for our kids, you know.
And she would, you know, okay, give me a hug.
And Annie would run in and get between us, and
we would hug. And she would go, oh, let's do
a peanut butter sandwich. And you know what that
little girl wanted? She wanted... When two people
love each other, it's a safe place. And she wanted
to be right in the middle and feel touched and
consumed and loved and important. And some of
you aren't huggers, so I have a suggestion. It
doesn't come naturally. Do it anyway. Just do
it anyway. I watched my wife get hugged by her
dad probably for the first time in his late 60s.
She never heard her father say I love you to
her until he was in his 70s. You understand weird
things we do. You understand the psychology of
what happens in the soul of a human being if
down deep you don't feel like your mother or
your father loves you and if the most powerful
way that we express that is both verbally and
by touching. See, These are the kind of things
that they bypass the brain. They go down in the
soul of your kids. And when you're in an argument
later or when they want to date someone that
you know is bad news and when they want to go
out with some friends that you know there's drugs
and alcohol and when you're talking about this
school or that school and you think, no, yeah,
no, that's a party school in the whole world
and you guys can't get on the same page and you
have to make a really hard call, it will be the
strength of relationship. that when they even
have to accept and you're doing this, there's
stuff down in here that's been invested in. Final
two are ones that I think they're equally important.
You might think I'm crazy, but it's have fun
together and pray together often. I just think
I see people that are like super spiritually.
Okay, are you ready? Bobby, I want you to pray
for Africa. I want you to pray for Europe. Okay,
ready? Go. Heavenly Father, thou art thine. Okay,
7 .4 minutes on your prayer. Here we go again.
All right, now it's supper time. Close your eyes.
And now, holy God. God. I change his name when
I'm really... And the kids are sitting there
going, what in the world is this about? You pray
when you tuck them in. You get in the car ready
to go to school. Lord, would you help us? You
play one -on -one basketball in the driveway,
and you're absolutely sweaty and wringing wet,
and you lay down, and you're looking up at the
stars, and without warning, oh, God, I can't
believe I get to be this kid's dad. He just beat
me for the first time, and it was a blast. Thanks
for just letting us be friends. A siren goes
by, and your kid's in their preteens, and you've
been spending time as a family. Emily, Emily,
someone's really hurting right now. I've got
to keep my eyes open, but would you pray for
whoever's in that ambulance? And your kids just
start realizing prayer isn't something you do.
It's communicating with God, and we do it, and
there's a tragedy, and everyone sits on the family
room floor, and you beg God for grandma or grandfather's
life. And then you have to say no to some stuff
because it's a wicked world, and your house is
the fun place. Invest in a ping pong table. Invest
in a foosball. Invest in something that isn't
just electronic and people are staring at screens.
Play board games. Make your house where it's
fun. Well, you can't go to that party, but here's
what we're going to do. And be active and focused
and just have a blast with your kids. Invest
deeply in them. The final one is not just a clear
target, not just that you're the teacher, not
in an environment of love, but effective parenting
requires constant repair and ongoing maintenance.
The scripture says if we confess our sins, he's
faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all unrighteousness. Okay,
here's the deal. Your kids are going to mess
up. And even if they don't mess up, whatever
you're doing right, like you have these little
seasons and you're, you know, okay, like they're
like four or five or six and you're trying to
help. Teach them some responsibility. A little
basic thing like make their bed or, you know,
take out the trash. And, you know, like they
forget and you're frustrated. And so you read
in a book, put a chart up, trash, bed. And when
they do it, they get a sticker, you know. And
all of a sudden they get a sticker and they go,
ooh. And like for three months, they just take
out the trash every day and they make their bed.
It's like, wow. And month number four, who wants
stickers? or they're a teenager, and we're going
to make a contract, and we want you to be responsible,
and okay, if you do this, here's the consequences,
but if you do this in school, and this is consequences,
if you stop treating your mother like here's
the reward you're going to get, wow, I'm independent,
and they get the contract, and you know, for
three, four, five months, man, it's great, and
this tension's gone, and then all of a sudden
it's, you know, I don't believe in contracts.
Welcome to the NFL of parenting. Nothing ever
stays the same. And by the way, it's not just
that they change, you change. When I was not
consistent, I had this amazing correlation. When
I wasn't consistent with rewarding and disciplining
my children, they acted up. Couldn't figure it
out. I can't tell you how many times I'd get
the whole family together and say, you know what,
I've really not been the dad God wants me to
be because you guys are doing this, this, and
this, and we've said these would be the consequences,
and I just couldn't get out of that lazy boy.
And I didn't do anything about it. And so now
you're fighting with each other, and you're talking
back to your mom, and you're back to not finishing
your homework, and you're beating your brother
up, and that's, that's got to stop. But I could
blame a lot of people, but it starts with me.
I'm the dad. So I want to ask you guys to forgive
me for not being the dad I'm supposed to be.
And I want you to know, like, we're going to
end this little family meeting, like 30 seconds
afterwards, dad's back. And I'm going to reward
you and love you like I know God wants me to.
And I'll provide those consequences we agreed
on. And then I would literally plan and look
for times to try and catch them doing something
right and really affirm them. And then the very
first time they did the thing that we've been
talking about, swift and loving, of course. No,
I'm serious. And you know what? It recalibrated.
Here's the five magic words. And I don't mean
that like magic. I mean, like, it's amazing.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Okay, we're in
this together. And you know, it's never too late.
And I don't know any families that haven't had
big struggles. And you may have a son or daughter
that's dealing with an addiction or is in a relationship
that breaks your heart or a little kid that's
acting out or someone that you're thinking, are
they going to pee the bed like until they're
15? Right? I mean, there's all these kind of
issues that we all have. And it just means you're
a regular mom or dad with a regular kid and we're
on a journey. But I'll tell you what, you set
a clear target, you practice what you preach,
you build relationships that bond at whatever
age, and then you realize there's always going
to be ongoing maintenance and constant repair.
And I will tell you, and then we've got to help
each other, and we're going to learn how to really
then walk through the very specific ways to help
our kids. You're listening to Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram. And the message you just heard,
how to raise positive kids in a negative world,
is from our series, Uninvited Guests. Chip will
join us in studio to share some insights from
today's talk in just a minute. We've all heard
it said that raising kids isn't for the faint
of heart. Every parent can attest that it can
be deeply encouraging and life -giving one moment
and want to pull out your hair frustrating the
next. And those emotional ups and downs don't
include the external challenges and pressures
that kids, moms, and dads face every day. So
over the next handful of messages, Chip will
highlight biblical principles to help navigate
the complexities of raising kids in today's world.
Don't miss the insightful wisdom from God's Word,
along with practical advice from a seasoned dad
to guide you along your parenting journey. If
you've missed any part of this series, catch
up at livingontheedge .org. or wherever you listen
to podcasts. Well, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram,
is back in studio with me. And Chip, throughout
this series, you've invited our listeners to
become monthly financial partners. Now, if you
would take a minute and explain why we've devoted
so much time and energy to asking people to join
us. Dave, there's a very, very simple reason.
The backbone of our ministry is... people who
are on the team. The second thing is, is we have
people give at all different levels and we're
thankful for all of them, but we never know what's
coming in. When people are on the team and people
give monthly, guess what? You begin to build
a baseline that you can know this amount of money
is going to come in each month. And just like
people's budget. Can you imagine never knowing
what your paycheck is going to be and how are
you going to pay your bills? And so we wanted
to emphasize monthly donors become a part of
the family. They become a part of reaching the
next generation, equipping pastors and leaders,
and discipling God's people. And if it's $10
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is helpful to I want to be on the team. We are
committed to really making a difference. And
that means we've got to go there together. And
we need everyone to carry some of the weight.
That's why we talk about becoming monthly partners.
Our world is in desperate need. Our country's
in desperate need. Families who love Jesus are
in desperate need. We are called to make disciples,
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me encourage you, become a monthly partner. Great
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