WEBVTT 00:00:01.799 --> 00:00:05.240 Conflicts with kids are inevitable. And I think 00:00:05.240 --> 00:00:07.339 one of the most intimidating things about parenting 00:00:07.339 --> 00:00:10.519 is the fear of losing our kids when these conflicts 00:00:10.519 --> 00:00:13.080 present themselves. Well, today I'm going to 00:00:13.080 --> 00:00:16.539 share eight specific key things that you can 00:00:16.539 --> 00:00:19.820 do that will build the kind of relationship so 00:00:19.820 --> 00:00:22.140 that you can weather just about any conflict. 00:00:22.359 --> 00:00:27.899 Stay with me. Thank you for being with us for 00:00:27.899 --> 00:00:30.539 this edition of Living on the Edge with Chip 00:00:30.539 --> 00:00:33.049 Ingram. Chip serves as our Bible teacher for 00:00:33.049 --> 00:00:35.030 this global teaching and discipleship ministry, 00:00:35.350 --> 00:00:38.130 helping Christians develop an authentic faith. 00:00:38.469 --> 00:00:40.789 Well, we're in the middle of our series, Uninvited 00:00:40.789 --> 00:00:43.170 Guests, and right now we're diving back into 00:00:43.170 --> 00:00:45.570 the second half of Chip's talk, How to Raise 00:00:45.570 --> 00:00:48.490 Positive Kids in a Negative World. So if you 00:00:48.490 --> 00:00:50.570 have your notes and Bible ready, here again is 00:00:50.570 --> 00:00:54.070 Chip. First Thessalonians chapter 2, he says, 00:00:54.149 --> 00:00:56.649 But we were gentle among you, how? Like a mother, 00:00:56.789 --> 00:00:59.750 circle the word mother, caring for her little 00:00:59.750 --> 00:01:02.039 children. He says, this is how we treated you. 00:01:02.820 --> 00:01:04.819 We loved you so much that we're delighted to 00:01:04.819 --> 00:01:07.719 share with you not only the gospel of God, I 00:01:07.719 --> 00:01:10.540 mean, not just the content, not the truth, but 00:01:10.540 --> 00:01:14.359 our own lives as well. Why? Because you had become 00:01:14.359 --> 00:01:17.659 so dear to us. Would you underline the word gentle, 00:01:17.840 --> 00:01:23.439 caring, loved, share, dear to us? He's saying, 00:01:23.500 --> 00:01:26.859 we loved you, and this is how. A child needs 00:01:26.859 --> 00:01:29.000 a mother's love. There's a tenderness. There's 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:31.060 a nurturing. There's a commitment. There's a 00:01:31.060 --> 00:01:34.140 pouring out your life that builds relationships 00:01:34.140 --> 00:01:38.659 that bond. But kids need a father's love. Now, 00:01:38.700 --> 00:01:41.500 both do both, but he says, for you know that 00:01:41.500 --> 00:01:43.939 we dealt with each of you as a father, a circle 00:01:43.939 --> 00:01:46.260 father. Well, how should a father deal with his 00:01:46.260 --> 00:01:50.319 child? One who encourages, comforting, and urging 00:01:50.319 --> 00:01:53.459 you. What? Notice the target. the man in the 00:01:53.459 --> 00:01:57.840 house, living a life worthy of God. The world 00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:00.340 is not about you. It's not how many points you 00:02:00.340 --> 00:02:02.459 score. It's not your SAT scores. It's not that 00:02:02.459 --> 00:02:05.519 you got in Ivy League school or Stanford. If 00:02:05.519 --> 00:02:07.280 those things happen, great. If you happen to 00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:09.740 be a good musician, athlete, great. I want you 00:02:09.740 --> 00:02:14.419 to live a life worthy of God. That's the target 00:02:14.419 --> 00:02:19.009 who calls you into his kingdom and glory. I did 00:02:19.009 --> 00:02:21.210 a word study on each of these words, encouraging, 00:02:21.330 --> 00:02:23.610 comforting, and urging. And the role of the father, 00:02:23.629 --> 00:02:25.789 the mother, is nurturing and caring, and we get 00:02:25.789 --> 00:02:28.270 to do that as dads. But the role of the father, 00:02:28.270 --> 00:02:29.949 the first word is you're the biggest cheerleader. 00:02:30.530 --> 00:02:32.729 Something about a dad on the sidelines, you can 00:02:32.729 --> 00:02:35.370 do it, honey. Great job here. Oh, you'll do okay 00:02:35.370 --> 00:02:37.889 on that test. I'm for you. I'm 100%. You're their 00:02:37.889 --> 00:02:41.509 biggest cheerleader. You inspire. You praise, 00:02:41.550 --> 00:02:44.610 you encourage. The next word is translated comforting, 00:02:44.870 --> 00:02:48.770 but this word is also translated exhorting, admonishing. 00:02:49.430 --> 00:02:53.030 It's the idea of you want to help your child, 00:02:53.150 --> 00:02:55.490 but as you're helping your child, sometimes the 00:02:55.490 --> 00:02:57.650 goal is how do you help them break through a 00:02:57.650 --> 00:03:00.189 barrier? And sometimes what they need is, you 00:03:00.189 --> 00:03:02.530 know, they fell off the balance beam, or they 00:03:02.530 --> 00:03:04.569 really did bad on a test, or they were in the 00:03:04.569 --> 00:03:07.129 recital and they completely froze, and they need 00:03:07.129 --> 00:03:09.560 comforted. They need to say, hey, it's okay. 00:03:09.819 --> 00:03:12.000 Life is more than a recital, this or that, and 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:15.340 that dad comes in. I'm for you, a comfort. But 00:03:15.340 --> 00:03:17.639 sometimes the barrier is they get full of themselves. 00:03:18.199 --> 00:03:20.159 And you've told them, look, I don't want you 00:03:20.159 --> 00:03:22.139 to hang out with those two people. We know what 00:03:22.139 --> 00:03:24.500 happens in their home. Their parents aren't home. 00:03:24.719 --> 00:03:26.780 There's a lot of free alcohol and drugs going 00:03:26.780 --> 00:03:29.860 on. I forbid you to hang out with them and ever 00:03:29.860 --> 00:03:31.199 go in their home when their parents aren't there. 00:03:32.039 --> 00:03:35.699 And then, of course, somehow, I think God orchestrates 00:03:35.699 --> 00:03:37.340 this, at least did in my life and even with my 00:03:37.340 --> 00:03:40.110 kids. You find out stuff that you'd never know 00:03:40.110 --> 00:03:42.629 how you found it out, right? And here's what 00:03:42.629 --> 00:03:48.310 a dad does. Son, sit down. Now, we need to have 00:03:48.310 --> 00:03:51.169 a very serious talk, and your deep dad voice 00:03:51.169 --> 00:03:54.830 kicks in. I'm not sure if there was something 00:03:54.830 --> 00:03:56.849 that wasn't clear about what we talked about, 00:03:56.930 --> 00:03:58.849 about not hanging around with those two people 00:03:58.849 --> 00:04:02.330 or going into that house, but I'm aware you did. 00:04:02.710 --> 00:04:05.050 There may be some extenuating circumstances that 00:04:05.050 --> 00:04:07.069 I don't know about, but let's get this straight 00:04:07.069 --> 00:04:12.319 right now. Consequences will be severe and swift. 00:04:12.759 --> 00:04:14.939 But you're such a great kid and I believe in 00:04:14.939 --> 00:04:16.980 you so much and I trust you so much. This is 00:04:16.980 --> 00:04:22.500 a warning. The next word is urge. This is the 00:04:22.500 --> 00:04:25.680 severe consequences kick in. And so the dad is 00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:27.860 going, you can do it. I'm going to help you break 00:04:27.860 --> 00:04:30.220 through a barrier. And then finally is draw a 00:04:30.220 --> 00:04:32.139 line in the sand. You know something? You went 00:04:32.139 --> 00:04:34.759 to that house again. We agreed. We have a written 00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:37.259 contract. You're now grounded for a week. I'm 00:04:37.259 --> 00:04:38.920 really sorry that you'll miss the prom, your 00:04:38.920 --> 00:04:41.019 first basketball game or whatever. And your mother 00:04:41.019 --> 00:04:42.899 is crying and she will get over it. But this 00:04:42.899 --> 00:04:50.660 is the way it is. Those were true stories. Here's 00:04:50.660 --> 00:04:53.000 the... Here's the principle. I put a little picture 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:56.220 on here that I think will be helpful. In your 00:04:56.220 --> 00:04:58.819 heart of hearts, you're making progress and you 00:04:58.819 --> 00:05:01.899 have certain values and beliefs, right? You love 00:05:01.899 --> 00:05:04.620 God. You want to be a person of integrity. You 00:05:04.620 --> 00:05:06.139 want your kid to be other -centered. You want 00:05:06.139 --> 00:05:08.019 him to be kind. You want him to learn how to 00:05:08.019 --> 00:05:10.740 be a team player. You want him to make a significant 00:05:10.740 --> 00:05:13.829 contribution to other people. And you say to 00:05:13.829 --> 00:05:16.329 yourself, these are my values, and I want to 00:05:16.329 --> 00:05:19.149 transmit those values across this bridge of life 00:05:19.149 --> 00:05:22.129 from zero to about early 20s and sometimes a 00:05:22.129 --> 00:05:25.209 little bit later. And here's what it is. Your 00:05:25.209 --> 00:05:27.290 values, not what you say, by the way, but how 00:05:27.290 --> 00:05:31.689 you actually live, your values will be transmitted 00:05:31.689 --> 00:05:35.829 across this bridge of relationship. And there's 00:05:35.829 --> 00:05:37.550 going to be a lot of ups and downs, so it's the 00:05:37.550 --> 00:05:40.189 strength of the glue of your relationship that 00:05:40.189 --> 00:05:42.750 that bridge can hold a lot of truth and a lot 00:05:42.750 --> 00:05:45.769 of disappointment and a lot of pain. And so it 00:05:45.769 --> 00:05:48.910 very simply goes like this. Axiom number one 00:05:48.910 --> 00:05:51.930 would be the stronger the relationship you have 00:05:51.930 --> 00:05:55.089 with your child, the more likely they will embrace 00:05:55.089 --> 00:06:00.569 the values that you have. Flip it over. The weaker 00:06:00.569 --> 00:06:03.660 relationship that you have with your child, the 00:06:03.660 --> 00:06:07.060 less likely they will embrace the values that 00:06:07.060 --> 00:06:12.100 you have. And finally, tension and conflict are 00:06:12.100 --> 00:06:15.120 inevitable. So they're going to cross that bridge. 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:17.120 There's going to be times where you're on this 00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:19.360 page and they're on that page. And what will 00:06:19.360 --> 00:06:23.100 sustain you over time is all that time invested 00:06:23.100 --> 00:06:27.079 in building a glue from the heart that when you 00:06:27.079 --> 00:06:29.399 have to say hard things and they slam the door, 00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:32.930 I don't love you anymore. You're the worst mom 00:06:32.930 --> 00:06:36.029 in the whole world. I just can't stand it. I 00:06:36.029 --> 00:06:37.529 wish you were a dad, but I wish you weren't a 00:06:37.529 --> 00:06:44.730 Christian dad. I've heard all of that. And you 00:06:44.730 --> 00:06:48.089 know what? They get over it. They get over it 00:06:48.089 --> 00:06:53.750 if you know you live it, you love them, and as 00:06:53.750 --> 00:06:55.689 much as they scream and cry out because of the 00:06:55.689 --> 00:06:58.589 pressure externally, they can embrace and they 00:06:58.589 --> 00:07:01.250 see your life. And every year that they get older, 00:07:01.329 --> 00:07:03.850 they see the wisdom of God's way in your life. 00:07:05.889 --> 00:07:08.449 So let me give you eight very specific ways to 00:07:08.449 --> 00:07:11.810 build that kind of relationship. I'll go a bit 00:07:11.810 --> 00:07:13.810 fast because these are things you can really 00:07:13.810 --> 00:07:15.610 develop. And then I want you, as I go through 00:07:15.610 --> 00:07:18.370 these, I'd like you to be asking yourself, what 00:07:18.370 --> 00:07:23.029 one of these? You can do two if you want. But 00:07:23.029 --> 00:07:25.449 what one of these this week, what I'm going to 00:07:25.449 --> 00:07:28.120 start doing, even if my kids are grown. even 00:07:28.120 --> 00:07:29.819 if I have to figure out a way to do it long distance. 00:07:30.500 --> 00:07:33.680 Number one is unconditional love. This may come 00:07:33.680 --> 00:07:36.399 naturally for a lot of you. Verbalize your unconditional 00:07:36.399 --> 00:07:39.819 love. Let them know, I love you. Communicate 00:07:39.819 --> 00:07:42.920 verbally, I love you. Embrace them in ways that 00:07:42.920 --> 00:07:45.759 communicate unconditional love. Try and find 00:07:45.759 --> 00:07:48.600 opportunities when you know they've failed and 00:07:48.600 --> 00:07:50.519 they know they've failed, where you separate 00:07:50.519 --> 00:07:53.160 their bad behavior or their failure from them. 00:07:53.860 --> 00:07:58.149 What you did is unacceptable. Who you are is 00:07:58.149 --> 00:08:01.910 always acceptable. So multiple, multiple ways 00:08:01.910 --> 00:08:05.110 you want to communicate unconditional love. I'm 00:08:05.110 --> 00:08:08.329 for you no matter what. Sometimes you do that 00:08:08.329 --> 00:08:10.430 verbally. Sometimes you do it by your behavior. 00:08:11.829 --> 00:08:14.290 Out of our four kids, we had one son that we 00:08:14.290 --> 00:08:16.069 went through about a four -year season of rebellion. 00:08:16.709 --> 00:08:19.110 And he did not want to be around me. He did not 00:08:19.110 --> 00:08:21.250 want to be around our family. He did not want 00:08:21.250 --> 00:08:23.810 to do anything. He said, you know, Dad, I kind 00:08:23.810 --> 00:08:25.310 of like you as a person. I wish you weren't a 00:08:25.310 --> 00:08:26.990 Christian dad. I don't know if I believe in Jesus 00:08:26.990 --> 00:08:29.389 or anything. I want to stay out as late. I want 00:08:29.389 --> 00:08:32.470 to do what all my friends do. And sometimes unconditional 00:08:32.470 --> 00:08:36.860 love is you can't have your own way. But son, 00:08:36.940 --> 00:08:38.299 every other week, you and I are going to go out 00:08:38.299 --> 00:08:40.200 to breakfast and you can keep rolling your eyes 00:08:40.200 --> 00:08:42.840 and I'm still going to come to your games and 00:08:42.840 --> 00:08:45.120 I'm still going to pray for you out loud and 00:08:45.120 --> 00:08:48.279 we're still going to hang out because there's 00:08:48.279 --> 00:08:51.700 nothing you can do ever to make me stop loving 00:08:51.700 --> 00:08:56.480 you. How do you do that? See, our kids can wound 00:08:56.480 --> 00:08:59.700 us like no one else. They can hurt you like no 00:08:59.700 --> 00:09:02.580 one else. And what, if you're not careful, is 00:09:02.580 --> 00:09:04.899 when they wound you, you start putting up walls. 00:09:05.730 --> 00:09:07.409 Because when you get wounded, even with your 00:09:07.409 --> 00:09:10.110 own kids, you want to pay them back. And what 00:09:10.110 --> 00:09:12.269 we know how to do in very sophisticated ways 00:09:12.269 --> 00:09:15.710 is now to love them conditionally and manipulate 00:09:15.710 --> 00:09:21.470 their life. The second is scheduled time. Lots 00:09:21.470 --> 00:09:24.289 of ways you can do this, but can I just give 00:09:24.289 --> 00:09:27.190 you three quick ones? Have dates with your kids. 00:09:27.970 --> 00:09:29.850 And I know some of you have a lot of kids, some 00:09:29.850 --> 00:09:31.649 not too many, and maybe it's every other week. 00:09:32.529 --> 00:09:35.070 Second, only have one calendar, especially those 00:09:35.070 --> 00:09:38.450 that work outside the home. One calendar. I mean, 00:09:38.470 --> 00:09:41.090 for years I had my work calendar and then, you 00:09:41.090 --> 00:09:42.909 know, on the refrigerator we had the family calendar. 00:09:43.129 --> 00:09:45.129 And here's what can happen if you're not careful. 00:09:45.230 --> 00:09:47.190 Boy, there's a real big meeting and this is a 00:09:47.190 --> 00:09:49.289 big thing and a big project at work and, oh, 00:09:49.330 --> 00:09:50.950 here's this really, really thing. We've got to 00:09:50.950 --> 00:09:54.289 do that. Oh, yeah, well, honey, you know, we 00:09:54.289 --> 00:09:56.309 were supposed to go out to breakfast. We'll do 00:09:56.309 --> 00:09:59.029 that next week. Or, you know, we try to eat as 00:09:59.029 --> 00:10:00.970 a family. But, you know, you have these seasons. 00:10:01.029 --> 00:10:03.070 You have these times. It's only lasted nine years. 00:10:03.190 --> 00:10:05.929 But it's a very long season. And I'm up before, 00:10:06.070 --> 00:10:08.809 you know, the sun comes up. And I get home basically 00:10:08.809 --> 00:10:11.309 after dark. But, you know, it's quality time, 00:10:11.409 --> 00:10:13.990 right? You know? I take you to Disneyland. I 00:10:13.990 --> 00:10:16.210 buy you lots of stuff because I feel guilty inside. 00:10:16.289 --> 00:10:21.769 And put them all on the same calendar. And then 00:10:21.769 --> 00:10:23.370 when someone says, can you do this or that? You 00:10:23.370 --> 00:10:25.210 know, I'd love to. I get a very important commitment. 00:10:26.149 --> 00:10:27.710 You don't have to tell them it's eating with 00:10:27.710 --> 00:10:29.889 your family. You don't have to tell them it's 00:10:29.889 --> 00:10:31.610 having breakfast or lunch with one of your kids. 00:10:32.169 --> 00:10:34.570 I got news for you. After all the deals you get 00:10:34.570 --> 00:10:36.850 done doing and all the super important stuff, 00:10:37.049 --> 00:10:40.009 you have them for a window of time. I mean, inside 00:10:40.009 --> 00:10:43.070 your house for very limited time. And what happens 00:10:43.070 --> 00:10:46.090 in that very limited time, it will shape. I mean, 00:10:46.110 --> 00:10:48.450 you hit 50 through about 80. If you live that 00:10:48.450 --> 00:10:51.799 long, it will shape all those years. And you 00:10:51.799 --> 00:10:55.259 won't even remember the deals. Is there balance? 00:10:55.379 --> 00:10:58.419 Is there seasons? Common sense? Yeah. Schedule 00:10:58.419 --> 00:11:02.399 time with your kids. Eat together as a family. 00:11:03.480 --> 00:11:07.220 No technology on. No people going on the plates. 00:11:07.259 --> 00:11:08.940 They heat their stuff up. You heat your stuff 00:11:08.940 --> 00:11:11.700 up. If you're eating in minivans because you 00:11:11.700 --> 00:11:13.360 have practice on Monday, practice on Wednesday, 00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:15.919 something on Thursday, something on Friday, ask 00:11:15.919 --> 00:11:19.159 yourself, if you were from a different planet, 00:11:19.710 --> 00:11:23.590 And someone stepped in and said, excuse me, I'm 00:11:23.590 --> 00:11:25.850 from a different planet. I'm doing an analysis 00:11:25.850 --> 00:11:28.250 on what really matters to people. I noticed that 00:11:28.250 --> 00:11:29.529 you were doing this, this, this, this, this, 00:11:29.529 --> 00:11:31.509 and this. So the goal of all parenting is that 00:11:31.509 --> 00:11:33.129 you watch your kids play sports and you sit in 00:11:33.129 --> 00:11:34.850 stands with people you don't know. Is this correct? 00:11:36.049 --> 00:11:39.289 Is that your long -term goal? And you would say, 00:11:39.309 --> 00:11:43.980 no. Then why are you doing it? Because Johnny 00:11:43.980 --> 00:11:46.179 would be so disappointed if he doesn't get to 00:11:46.179 --> 00:11:48.600 be on that team with all his friends, and he 00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:55.279 might cry. Let him cry. Let him know he's a loved 00:11:55.279 --> 00:12:00.840 son or a loved daughter. Schedule time. The third 00:12:00.840 --> 00:12:04.740 schedule time is dinner, dates, and bedtimes. 00:12:05.899 --> 00:12:09.519 Men especially, put your kids to bed. Tell them 00:12:09.519 --> 00:12:11.480 stories. Read them Bible stories. Make up stories 00:12:11.480 --> 00:12:15.789 about yourself. Third is focused attention, listening 00:12:15.789 --> 00:12:18.610 in an understanding way. Cornell University did 00:12:18.610 --> 00:12:20.809 a study of two -year -olds. They put a microphone 00:12:20.809 --> 00:12:22.909 on them for a couple weeks until everyone realized 00:12:22.909 --> 00:12:25.029 that they didn't notice them anymore. And then 00:12:25.029 --> 00:12:27.409 they had fathers come in, and they discovered 00:12:27.409 --> 00:12:30.929 that the average father, except for high and 00:12:30.929 --> 00:12:33.929 bi, are you ready for this, was spending a whopping 00:12:33.929 --> 00:12:38.850 37 seconds per week in meaningful conversation 00:12:38.850 --> 00:12:43.279 with their kids. I mean, will you really listen? 00:12:44.960 --> 00:12:46.940 How many of us get in the car, kids in the car? 00:12:47.100 --> 00:12:49.080 Yeah, honey, I'll be right with you, be right 00:12:49.080 --> 00:12:52.019 with you. Yeah, how'd your day go? Oh, Dad, you 00:12:52.019 --> 00:12:53.419 can't believe what happened. You know, we were 00:12:53.419 --> 00:12:55.480 coloring monsters. And, you know, I got a business 00:12:55.480 --> 00:12:57.159 meeting here, and I say I got to order that stuff. 00:12:57.320 --> 00:12:59.539 Yeah, yeah, good monsters? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:12:59.840 --> 00:13:02.440 Excuse me, I got to take this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 00:13:02.460 --> 00:13:04.580 Bobby, yeah, yeah, right, yeah. Tell them we 00:13:04.580 --> 00:13:06.379 can't do that. No, hey, are you kidding me? The 00:13:06.379 --> 00:13:07.980 stock just went down. Oh, yeah, yeah, honey, 00:13:08.039 --> 00:13:10.679 tell me about the monsters. No, no, Dad, it was 00:13:10.679 --> 00:13:14.519 monsters. You know what? They get it. You're 00:13:14.519 --> 00:13:20.659 not here. I don't matter. I don't matter. Paper's 00:13:20.659 --> 00:13:27.759 up. Eyes are here. You got to be there. Focused 00:13:27.759 --> 00:13:29.600 attention, and part of focused attention is eye 00:13:29.600 --> 00:13:32.759 contact. You look them in the eye. You shut off 00:13:32.759 --> 00:13:37.340 stuff. There's a powerful, the eyes are the window 00:13:37.340 --> 00:13:40.220 of the soul. Your kids need to see you look into 00:13:40.220 --> 00:13:43.120 their eyes and almost be able to feel what's 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:46.460 going through your mind is, I can't believe I 00:13:46.460 --> 00:13:50.519 get to be this boy or girl's dad or mom. They 00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:53.559 are so precious, and I love them so much. That's 00:13:53.559 --> 00:13:54.940 what they need to see when you look into their 00:13:54.940 --> 00:13:57.379 eye because that's what you're feeling inside. 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:00.000 And everything else will wait, and you never 00:14:00.000 --> 00:14:02.860 have to rush with your kids. So you schedule 00:14:02.860 --> 00:14:07.320 time, and you make it matter. This is Living 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:09.679 on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and Chip will be 00:14:09.679 --> 00:14:12.019 back to finish today's message in just a minute. 00:14:12.200 --> 00:14:14.980 But let me first gently ask you, is your marriage 00:14:14.980 --> 00:14:17.700 in trouble right now? Do you and your mate need 00:14:17.700 --> 00:14:20.759 a practical biblical tool to revive and transform 00:14:20.759 --> 00:14:23.740 your relationship? Well, we've developed a brand 00:14:23.740 --> 00:14:26.809 new resource designed to do just that. So stick 00:14:26.809 --> 00:14:28.870 around after the teaching to hear about this 00:14:28.870 --> 00:14:32.129 practical way we are encouraging couples. Until 00:14:32.129 --> 00:14:34.389 then, here again is Chip to continue our series, 00:14:34.549 --> 00:14:38.929 Uninvited Guests. Number five is consistent or 00:14:38.929 --> 00:14:42.169 ongoing communication. Did we mention eating 00:14:42.169 --> 00:14:47.690 together? Oh, yes. You have to talk. And by the 00:14:47.690 --> 00:14:49.590 way, there's some of you that are going, oh, 00:14:49.610 --> 00:14:53.409 man, start with two times a week. It's a novel 00:14:53.409 --> 00:14:57.250 idea. It happened historically. Cook some food 00:14:57.250 --> 00:15:01.490 in your own house. It's a thought. There's a 00:15:01.490 --> 00:15:04.610 range. We've got some burners and stuff rarely 00:15:04.610 --> 00:15:06.629 used, but you'll figure it out. It's not that 00:15:06.629 --> 00:15:12.610 hard. Get some food. Cook it. Set a table. Turn 00:15:12.610 --> 00:15:15.429 the TV, computers, everything off, and sit around. 00:15:15.610 --> 00:15:18.450 It'll be weird at first. And then ask, like, 00:15:18.529 --> 00:15:21.750 how did your day go at school? Or how are you 00:15:21.750 --> 00:15:24.139 feeling today? or what made you happy, or what 00:15:24.139 --> 00:15:25.700 was your biggest challenge, and then be prepared 00:15:25.700 --> 00:15:31.720 for nothing. Okay, fine. And what you are is 00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:34.980 you smile and say inside, I refuse to allow that 00:15:34.980 --> 00:15:37.559 to be our dinner table conversation. Well, I'm 00:15:37.559 --> 00:15:39.460 going to tell you what happened with me. And 00:15:39.460 --> 00:15:41.399 honestly, tell them some stuff. They won't understand 00:15:41.399 --> 00:15:43.620 it all. I had a big meeting today, and this is 00:15:43.620 --> 00:15:49.299 what happened. And they're going, what? And you 00:15:49.299 --> 00:15:52.480 create a culture. where there's a safe place 00:15:52.480 --> 00:15:55.840 where all the world gets pushed aside. What did 00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:57.919 Jesus do the very last night he was going to 00:15:57.919 --> 00:16:03.759 be with his disciples? They ate together. Jesus 00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:06.200 got accused of being such a terrible person because 00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:07.740 what did he do with tax collectors and sinners? 00:16:07.799 --> 00:16:11.299 He ate with them. The very first thing that happens 00:16:11.299 --> 00:16:13.220 in heaven when it all gets wrapped up, we're 00:16:13.220 --> 00:16:16.269 going to the marriage supper of the... There's 00:16:16.269 --> 00:16:18.250 something about eating. There's secular research 00:16:18.250 --> 00:16:21.370 that talks about families that eat together are 00:16:21.370 --> 00:16:24.889 healthy and they have great relationships. Ongoing 00:16:24.889 --> 00:16:29.129 communication. Meaningful touching is critical. 00:16:29.669 --> 00:16:35.610 The largest organ you have is your skin. When 00:16:35.610 --> 00:16:37.370 your kids are small, if you're a dad especially, 00:16:37.509 --> 00:16:38.990 wrestle with them, wrestle with them, wrestle 00:16:38.990 --> 00:16:43.309 with them. They want to be touched. We feel affirmed 00:16:43.309 --> 00:16:45.809 and loved when we're touched. Your daughters 00:16:45.809 --> 00:16:50.029 need to have non -sexual touching to feel feminine 00:16:50.029 --> 00:16:52.889 and important and valuable and to know that men 00:16:52.889 --> 00:16:57.570 can be safe. I remember early I would come home 00:16:57.570 --> 00:16:59.970 and always bug Teresa. I couldn't figure out 00:16:59.970 --> 00:17:01.710 why. She was in the middle of cooking dinner 00:17:01.710 --> 00:17:03.830 and I'd always want to come and mess around and 00:17:03.830 --> 00:17:05.410 kiss her or something. And she's going, you know, 00:17:05.450 --> 00:17:08.829 like, is this really the right time? And I would 00:17:08.829 --> 00:17:11.750 say, yes, actually it is, you know. I'm only 00:17:11.750 --> 00:17:13.930 wanting to model this for our children, you know. 00:17:14.150 --> 00:17:17.109 It has nothing to do with any sexual desires 00:17:17.109 --> 00:17:19.150 or anything like that. I'm just a loving father 00:17:19.150 --> 00:17:20.890 trying to model something for our kids, you know. 00:17:21.069 --> 00:17:23.829 And she would, you know, okay, give me a hug. 00:17:23.910 --> 00:17:27.549 And Annie would run in and get between us, and 00:17:27.549 --> 00:17:29.190 we would hug. And she would go, oh, let's do 00:17:29.190 --> 00:17:32.190 a peanut butter sandwich. And you know what that 00:17:32.190 --> 00:17:36.359 little girl wanted? She wanted... When two people 00:17:36.359 --> 00:17:38.779 love each other, it's a safe place. And she wanted 00:17:38.779 --> 00:17:41.099 to be right in the middle and feel touched and 00:17:41.099 --> 00:17:46.660 consumed and loved and important. And some of 00:17:46.660 --> 00:17:49.539 you aren't huggers, so I have a suggestion. It 00:17:49.539 --> 00:17:55.539 doesn't come naturally. Do it anyway. Just do 00:17:55.539 --> 00:17:59.839 it anyway. I watched my wife get hugged by her 00:17:59.839 --> 00:18:04.339 dad probably for the first time in his late 60s. 00:18:05.880 --> 00:18:09.420 She never heard her father say I love you to 00:18:09.420 --> 00:18:17.200 her until he was in his 70s. You understand weird 00:18:17.200 --> 00:18:19.319 things we do. You understand the psychology of 00:18:19.319 --> 00:18:21.900 what happens in the soul of a human being if 00:18:21.900 --> 00:18:23.720 down deep you don't feel like your mother or 00:18:23.720 --> 00:18:27.500 your father loves you and if the most powerful 00:18:27.500 --> 00:18:30.599 way that we express that is both verbally and 00:18:30.599 --> 00:18:36.009 by touching. See, These are the kind of things 00:18:36.009 --> 00:18:41.309 that they bypass the brain. They go down in the 00:18:41.309 --> 00:18:44.470 soul of your kids. And when you're in an argument 00:18:44.470 --> 00:18:46.269 later or when they want to date someone that 00:18:46.269 --> 00:18:47.789 you know is bad news and when they want to go 00:18:47.789 --> 00:18:49.150 out with some friends that you know there's drugs 00:18:49.150 --> 00:18:51.650 and alcohol and when you're talking about this 00:18:51.650 --> 00:18:53.269 school or that school and you think, no, yeah, 00:18:53.309 --> 00:18:54.910 no, that's a party school in the whole world 00:18:54.910 --> 00:18:56.990 and you guys can't get on the same page and you 00:18:56.990 --> 00:18:59.329 have to make a really hard call, it will be the 00:18:59.329 --> 00:19:02.849 strength of relationship. that when they even 00:19:02.849 --> 00:19:05.869 have to accept and you're doing this, there's 00:19:05.869 --> 00:19:09.230 stuff down in here that's been invested in. Final 00:19:09.230 --> 00:19:11.849 two are ones that I think they're equally important. 00:19:11.970 --> 00:19:15.930 You might think I'm crazy, but it's have fun 00:19:15.930 --> 00:19:19.009 together and pray together often. I just think 00:19:19.009 --> 00:19:21.650 I see people that are like super spiritually. 00:19:21.670 --> 00:19:24.710 Okay, are you ready? Bobby, I want you to pray 00:19:24.710 --> 00:19:26.609 for Africa. I want you to pray for Europe. Okay, 00:19:26.750 --> 00:19:31.730 ready? Go. Heavenly Father, thou art thine. Okay, 00:19:33.750 --> 00:19:36.109 7 .4 minutes on your prayer. Here we go again. 00:19:36.289 --> 00:19:39.130 All right, now it's supper time. Close your eyes. 00:19:40.109 --> 00:19:46.210 And now, holy God. God. I change his name when 00:19:46.210 --> 00:19:48.230 I'm really... And the kids are sitting there 00:19:48.230 --> 00:19:54.269 going, what in the world is this about? You pray 00:19:54.269 --> 00:19:57.009 when you tuck them in. You get in the car ready 00:19:57.009 --> 00:19:59.390 to go to school. Lord, would you help us? You 00:19:59.390 --> 00:20:01.069 play one -on -one basketball in the driveway, 00:20:01.210 --> 00:20:03.089 and you're absolutely sweaty and wringing wet, 00:20:03.230 --> 00:20:04.970 and you lay down, and you're looking up at the 00:20:04.970 --> 00:20:07.130 stars, and without warning, oh, God, I can't 00:20:07.130 --> 00:20:09.630 believe I get to be this kid's dad. He just beat 00:20:09.630 --> 00:20:12.509 me for the first time, and it was a blast. Thanks 00:20:12.509 --> 00:20:15.390 for just letting us be friends. A siren goes 00:20:15.390 --> 00:20:18.210 by, and your kid's in their preteens, and you've 00:20:18.210 --> 00:20:20.470 been spending time as a family. Emily, Emily, 00:20:20.650 --> 00:20:22.630 someone's really hurting right now. I've got 00:20:22.630 --> 00:20:24.210 to keep my eyes open, but would you pray for 00:20:24.210 --> 00:20:26.740 whoever's in that ambulance? And your kids just 00:20:26.740 --> 00:20:29.660 start realizing prayer isn't something you do. 00:20:30.039 --> 00:20:33.000 It's communicating with God, and we do it, and 00:20:33.000 --> 00:20:34.819 there's a tragedy, and everyone sits on the family 00:20:34.819 --> 00:20:38.420 room floor, and you beg God for grandma or grandfather's 00:20:38.420 --> 00:20:42.920 life. And then you have to say no to some stuff 00:20:42.920 --> 00:20:45.019 because it's a wicked world, and your house is 00:20:45.019 --> 00:20:48.500 the fun place. Invest in a ping pong table. Invest 00:20:48.500 --> 00:20:50.579 in a foosball. Invest in something that isn't 00:20:50.579 --> 00:20:52.859 just electronic and people are staring at screens. 00:20:53.160 --> 00:20:55.900 Play board games. Make your house where it's 00:20:55.900 --> 00:20:58.579 fun. Well, you can't go to that party, but here's 00:20:58.579 --> 00:21:01.200 what we're going to do. And be active and focused 00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:04.799 and just have a blast with your kids. Invest 00:21:04.799 --> 00:21:08.019 deeply in them. The final one is not just a clear 00:21:08.019 --> 00:21:09.839 target, not just that you're the teacher, not 00:21:09.839 --> 00:21:12.339 in an environment of love, but effective parenting 00:21:12.339 --> 00:21:14.720 requires constant repair and ongoing maintenance. 00:21:16.140 --> 00:21:18.400 The scripture says if we confess our sins, he's 00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:21.079 faithful and just and will forgive us our sins 00:21:21.079 --> 00:21:25.000 and purify us from all unrighteousness. Okay, 00:21:25.059 --> 00:21:27.500 here's the deal. Your kids are going to mess 00:21:27.500 --> 00:21:31.140 up. And even if they don't mess up, whatever 00:21:31.140 --> 00:21:33.259 you're doing right, like you have these little 00:21:33.259 --> 00:21:35.299 seasons and you're, you know, okay, like they're 00:21:35.299 --> 00:21:38.079 like four or five or six and you're trying to 00:21:38.079 --> 00:21:40.079 help. Teach them some responsibility. A little 00:21:40.079 --> 00:21:42.259 basic thing like make their bed or, you know, 00:21:42.259 --> 00:21:43.799 take out the trash. And, you know, like they 00:21:43.799 --> 00:21:46.440 forget and you're frustrated. And so you read 00:21:46.440 --> 00:21:51.079 in a book, put a chart up, trash, bed. And when 00:21:51.079 --> 00:21:53.700 they do it, they get a sticker, you know. And 00:21:53.700 --> 00:21:54.759 all of a sudden they get a sticker and they go, 00:21:54.759 --> 00:21:56.819 ooh. And like for three months, they just take 00:21:56.819 --> 00:21:58.900 out the trash every day and they make their bed. 00:21:58.960 --> 00:22:01.359 It's like, wow. And month number four, who wants 00:22:01.359 --> 00:22:05.289 stickers? or they're a teenager, and we're going 00:22:05.289 --> 00:22:07.329 to make a contract, and we want you to be responsible, 00:22:07.369 --> 00:22:09.549 and okay, if you do this, here's the consequences, 00:22:09.710 --> 00:22:12.049 but if you do this in school, and this is consequences, 00:22:12.269 --> 00:22:13.809 if you stop treating your mother like here's 00:22:13.809 --> 00:22:16.230 the reward you're going to get, wow, I'm independent, 00:22:16.410 --> 00:22:18.410 and they get the contract, and you know, for 00:22:18.410 --> 00:22:20.690 three, four, five months, man, it's great, and 00:22:20.690 --> 00:22:22.650 this tension's gone, and then all of a sudden 00:22:22.650 --> 00:22:24.109 it's, you know, I don't believe in contracts. 00:22:27.569 --> 00:22:30.930 Welcome to the NFL of parenting. Nothing ever 00:22:30.930 --> 00:22:33.710 stays the same. And by the way, it's not just 00:22:33.710 --> 00:22:38.809 that they change, you change. When I was not 00:22:38.809 --> 00:22:41.609 consistent, I had this amazing correlation. When 00:22:41.609 --> 00:22:44.009 I wasn't consistent with rewarding and disciplining 00:22:44.009 --> 00:22:46.789 my children, they acted up. Couldn't figure it 00:22:46.789 --> 00:22:49.630 out. I can't tell you how many times I'd get 00:22:49.630 --> 00:22:52.309 the whole family together and say, you know what, 00:22:52.430 --> 00:22:54.430 I've really not been the dad God wants me to 00:22:54.430 --> 00:22:56.369 be because you guys are doing this, this, and 00:22:56.369 --> 00:22:59.069 this, and we've said these would be the consequences, 00:22:59.109 --> 00:23:00.950 and I just couldn't get out of that lazy boy. 00:23:02.160 --> 00:23:05.359 And I didn't do anything about it. And so now 00:23:05.359 --> 00:23:06.880 you're fighting with each other, and you're talking 00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:08.859 back to your mom, and you're back to not finishing 00:23:08.859 --> 00:23:11.440 your homework, and you're beating your brother 00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:16.759 up, and that's, that's got to stop. But I could 00:23:16.759 --> 00:23:18.599 blame a lot of people, but it starts with me. 00:23:18.680 --> 00:23:21.220 I'm the dad. So I want to ask you guys to forgive 00:23:21.220 --> 00:23:23.619 me for not being the dad I'm supposed to be. 00:23:23.680 --> 00:23:26.680 And I want you to know, like, we're going to 00:23:26.680 --> 00:23:29.259 end this little family meeting, like 30 seconds 00:23:29.259 --> 00:23:33.900 afterwards, dad's back. And I'm going to reward 00:23:33.900 --> 00:23:35.740 you and love you like I know God wants me to. 00:23:35.900 --> 00:23:37.940 And I'll provide those consequences we agreed 00:23:37.940 --> 00:23:41.339 on. And then I would literally plan and look 00:23:41.339 --> 00:23:43.299 for times to try and catch them doing something 00:23:43.299 --> 00:23:46.019 right and really affirm them. And then the very 00:23:46.019 --> 00:23:47.759 first time they did the thing that we've been 00:23:47.759 --> 00:23:52.259 talking about, swift and loving, of course. No, 00:23:52.279 --> 00:23:54.500 I'm serious. And you know what? It recalibrated. 00:23:55.140 --> 00:23:57.279 Here's the five magic words. And I don't mean 00:23:57.279 --> 00:24:00.220 that like magic. I mean, like, it's amazing. 00:24:00.980 --> 00:24:05.730 I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Okay, we're in 00:24:05.730 --> 00:24:08.309 this together. And you know, it's never too late. 00:24:09.609 --> 00:24:11.390 And I don't know any families that haven't had 00:24:11.390 --> 00:24:14.170 big struggles. And you may have a son or daughter 00:24:14.170 --> 00:24:16.170 that's dealing with an addiction or is in a relationship 00:24:16.170 --> 00:24:18.509 that breaks your heart or a little kid that's 00:24:18.509 --> 00:24:20.309 acting out or someone that you're thinking, are 00:24:20.309 --> 00:24:21.750 they going to pee the bed like until they're 00:24:21.750 --> 00:24:24.609 15? Right? I mean, there's all these kind of 00:24:24.609 --> 00:24:27.690 issues that we all have. And it just means you're 00:24:27.690 --> 00:24:30.269 a regular mom or dad with a regular kid and we're 00:24:30.269 --> 00:24:32.349 on a journey. But I'll tell you what, you set 00:24:32.349 --> 00:24:34.910 a clear target, you practice what you preach, 00:24:35.089 --> 00:24:37.569 you build relationships that bond at whatever 00:24:37.569 --> 00:24:40.269 age, and then you realize there's always going 00:24:40.269 --> 00:24:43.890 to be ongoing maintenance and constant repair. 00:24:44.730 --> 00:24:46.529 And I will tell you, and then we've got to help 00:24:46.529 --> 00:24:49.289 each other, and we're going to learn how to really 00:24:49.289 --> 00:24:51.269 then walk through the very specific ways to help 00:24:51.269 --> 00:24:57.380 our kids. You're listening to Living on the Edge 00:24:57.380 --> 00:25:00.180 with Chip Ingram. And the message you just heard, 00:25:00.259 --> 00:25:02.519 how to raise positive kids in a negative world, 00:25:02.599 --> 00:25:05.920 is from our series, Uninvited Guests. Chip will 00:25:05.920 --> 00:25:08.079 join us in studio to share some insights from 00:25:08.079 --> 00:25:11.420 today's talk in just a minute. We've all heard 00:25:11.420 --> 00:25:13.720 it said that raising kids isn't for the faint 00:25:13.720 --> 00:25:16.319 of heart. Every parent can attest that it can 00:25:16.319 --> 00:25:19.099 be deeply encouraging and life -giving one moment 00:25:19.099 --> 00:25:21.759 and want to pull out your hair frustrating the 00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:24.740 next. And those emotional ups and downs don't 00:25:24.740 --> 00:25:26.960 include the external challenges and pressures 00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:30.440 that kids, moms, and dads face every day. So 00:25:30.440 --> 00:25:32.299 over the next handful of messages, Chip will 00:25:32.299 --> 00:25:34.680 highlight biblical principles to help navigate 00:25:34.680 --> 00:25:37.480 the complexities of raising kids in today's world. 00:25:37.839 --> 00:25:40.619 Don't miss the insightful wisdom from God's Word, 00:25:40.839 --> 00:25:43.599 along with practical advice from a seasoned dad 00:25:43.599 --> 00:25:46.859 to guide you along your parenting journey. If 00:25:46.859 --> 00:25:49.019 you've missed any part of this series, catch 00:25:49.019 --> 00:25:53.130 up at livingontheedge .org. or wherever you listen 00:25:53.130 --> 00:25:56.390 to podcasts. Well, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, 00:25:56.430 --> 00:25:58.950 is back in studio with me. And Chip, throughout 00:25:58.950 --> 00:26:01.029 this series, you've invited our listeners to 00:26:01.029 --> 00:26:03.829 become monthly financial partners. Now, if you 00:26:03.829 --> 00:26:05.849 would take a minute and explain why we've devoted 00:26:05.849 --> 00:26:08.630 so much time and energy to asking people to join 00:26:08.630 --> 00:26:11.710 us. Dave, there's a very, very simple reason. 00:26:11.930 --> 00:26:16.150 The backbone of our ministry is... people who 00:26:16.150 --> 00:26:19.089 are on the team. The second thing is, is we have 00:26:19.089 --> 00:26:22.049 people give at all different levels and we're 00:26:22.049 --> 00:26:24.970 thankful for all of them, but we never know what's 00:26:24.970 --> 00:26:28.029 coming in. When people are on the team and people 00:26:28.029 --> 00:26:30.549 give monthly, guess what? You begin to build 00:26:30.549 --> 00:26:33.890 a baseline that you can know this amount of money 00:26:33.890 --> 00:26:36.950 is going to come in each month. And just like 00:26:36.950 --> 00:26:39.849 people's budget. Can you imagine never knowing 00:26:39.849 --> 00:26:41.750 what your paycheck is going to be and how are 00:26:41.750 --> 00:26:43.750 you going to pay your bills? And so we wanted 00:26:43.750 --> 00:26:46.569 to emphasize monthly donors become a part of 00:26:46.569 --> 00:26:49.210 the family. They become a part of reaching the 00:26:49.210 --> 00:26:51.849 next generation, equipping pastors and leaders, 00:26:51.970 --> 00:26:54.890 and discipling God's people. And if it's $10 00:26:54.890 --> 00:26:57.910 a month or $20 a month, $100 a month, we leave 00:26:57.910 --> 00:27:01.970 that up to them. Move from this is great, this 00:27:01.970 --> 00:27:05.390 is helpful to I want to be on the team. We are 00:27:05.390 --> 00:27:08.049 committed to really making a difference. And 00:27:08.049 --> 00:27:10.109 that means we've got to go there together. And 00:27:10.109 --> 00:27:12.869 we need everyone to carry some of the weight. 00:27:13.430 --> 00:27:16.569 That's why we talk about becoming monthly partners. 00:27:16.829 --> 00:27:20.190 Our world is in desperate need. Our country's 00:27:20.190 --> 00:27:23.230 in desperate need. Families who love Jesus are 00:27:23.230 --> 00:27:26.490 in desperate need. We are called to make disciples, 00:27:26.690 --> 00:27:29.829 to reach the next generation, and to equip families 00:27:29.829 --> 00:27:33.009 and leaders to really walk with God. We want 00:27:33.009 --> 00:27:36.109 to be a part of helping Christians live like 00:27:36.109 --> 00:27:38.509 Christians. And if you resonate with that, let 00:27:38.509 --> 00:27:41.400 me encourage you, become a monthly partner. Great 00:27:41.400 --> 00:27:43.759 challenge, Chip. And please know how much we 00:27:43.759 --> 00:27:46.480 appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support 00:27:46.480 --> 00:27:49.460 allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry 00:27:49.460 --> 00:27:52.619 and be ready to walk through doors that God opens 00:27:52.619 --> 00:27:55.960 for us. And as Chip said during this entire series, 00:27:56.160 --> 00:27:58.720 if you become a monthly financial partner of 00:27:58.720 --> 00:28:00.779 Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest 00:28:00.779 --> 00:28:03.700 resource, The Marriage That Works Truth Cards, 00:28:03.740 --> 00:28:07.240 as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge 00:28:07.240 --> 00:28:14.630 .org or by calling 888 - Again, that's 888 -333 00:28:14.630 --> 00:28:21.049 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners, 00:28:21.190 --> 00:28:23.990 tap donate. Well, from all of us here, I'm Dave 00:28:23.990 --> 00:28:26.029 Drewy, thanking you for listening to this edition 00:28:26.029 --> 00:28:28.630 of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join 00:28:28.630 --> 00:28:29.609 us again next time.