One of the biggest challenges parents have today
is how do we raise positive kids in such a negative
world? Well, today we're going to help you learn
how to become an effective parent in a defective
world. Stay with me. Welcome to this edition
of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission
of this daily program is to intentionally disciple
Christians through the insightful Bible teaching
of Chip Ingram. And today we're picking back
up in his series, Uninvited Guests, recognizing
and resisting the attacks on your family. Over
the past several broadcasts, Chip shared invaluable
wisdom to help strengthen marriages. If you didn't
have a chance to listen to those messages, visit
livingontheedge .org or wherever you listen to
podcasts. For the remainder of our series, Chip
will specifically focus on parenting. So whether
you're just starting a family or navigating the
challenging teen years, the upcoming programs
are packed with practical tools and biblical
guidelines for moms and dads. So let's get started.
Here's Chip with his talk, How to Raise Positive
Kids in a Negative World. Well, without a doubt,
these are very, very difficult days to raise
kids. I will never forget the phone call received
a number of years ago. It was Tyler's dad. And
at the other end of the phone he said, we found
Tyler laying on the floor of his bedroom and
he's dead. And I'd known a bit of the journey.
Tyler was a really bright, likable kid. Got in
with the wrong crowd. These are a mom and dad
with good jobs who go to a Bible -believing church.
They're seeking to raise their kids in a way
that they think honors God. They figure their
kids have a few ups and downs, as all kids do.
Gets in with the wrong crowd, does some experimentation.
They discover it. They go through rehab. They
work through some things. They do family counseling.
Tyler's okay. And then a moment of weakness.
He has a relapse, gets some bad heroin. He's
gone. I mean, that for me changed as a pastor.
That really changed the dynamic of parenting.
The stakes are so high. And when a lot of you
grew up, you could make a few small mistakes
and there were some consequences, but nothing
like that. And now your kid can click on a site,
make a wrong decision, be at the wrong place
at the wrong time, get bullied at school. There's
a world that makes it very, very difficult to
be an effective parent in a very defective world.
Psalm 127 says, children are a gift from the
Lord. And then it goes on to say that they're
your great reward. My experience is the stewardship
that you have of raising a child is the most
sacred, important stewardship of your life. Your
children will be your greatest challenge. They'll
be your greatest joy. They'll be your greatest
pain. And then through all the process, God's
desires, they're your great reward. And I think
one of the things I hear from parents, especially
when things get a bit hard, is, well, you know,
we had these issues when I was a kid, and we
unconsciously think that the world that your
kid is growing up in is a lot like your world.
And let me tell you, it's completely different.
The shift of morality in the last 10 years alone.
The shift of disintegration in the family, the
culture, the educational system, the world that
they live in, the landscape underneath your kids
is moving so rapidly. You really need to be on
your A game and really understand God's plan
and how to cooperate with it. Because your kids
are living in a world that moves fast, is bombarding
them, and is more evil than in the past. And
so a parent's challenge is not to protect your
kid and create some bubble that, you know, they
can never get hurt, but your challenge is to
discover how to help your child navigate through
this world deeply anchored in God's love, understanding
his or her purpose, and becoming a change agent
in the world and discovering that God really
wants to use them to change the world, not necessarily
be protected from it. As you look at Scripture,
the world may be difficult, but it's always been
difficult, at times much worse. And in one of
the most difficult periods of all human history,
God decided that he would use a teenager to bring
into this world Mary, 14, 15, maybe 16 years
old. In one of the most perverted cultures, Persia,
Daniel was a teenager and was at the heart of
changing the future of the world. David, as a
teenage boy, when all was going against Israel,
tackled a giant. And I could go on and on and
on. We have great hope. We have a great God.
He is greater. He is stronger. He's powerful.
But you and I have a job as a parent to equip
our kids to be those kind of kids. And so the
big question I think parents are asking, how
do you raise positive kids in a negative world?
I get four principles. that help you raise positive
kids in a negative world. Here's what you need
to understand. If I could just sort of have an
overarching, let's talk about parenting. These
are big, timeless principles. You apply these
if you have two -year -olds. You can apply these
if you have 22 -year -olds. You apply them differently,
by the way. Principle number one. Effective parenting
begins with positive, clear -cut objectives.
Positive. clear -cut objectives. In your notes,
I'd like you to make a little squiggly line with
an arrow and then draw a little circle with some
circles inside of it and make a target. See,
parenting begins with having a crystal -clear
target. If you don't know what you're aiming
at, my father always told me, you'll hit it every
time. So what's the target? What's the goal?
What are you trying to do as you nurture, develop,
provide boundaries? In the life of your little
boy, your little girl, or not so little boy or
girl, what's the target? What are you trying
to accomplish? Ephesians 6, 4 gives us the answer,
and I love it in the Phillips translation. Notice
it says, fathers, negative command, don't overcorrect
your children or make it difficult for them to
obey the commandment. Positive command, bring
them up with Christian teaching and Christian
discipline. Notice it says, In parenting, dads,
you need to have a strong, influential role.
The number one correlation between about the
eight or ten worst things that are happening
in our culture are all related to either passive
or father absent homes. I don't understand it
all, but it's the way God designed it. So we
as men have to understand, you don't do it all,
but we've got to be actively involved. And then
it warns us that when we get actively involved,
we tend to overcorrect. We tend to come on a
little too strong. Positively, it says bring
them up with Christian teaching and Christian
discipline. Underline bring them up and then
put a box around Christian teaching and a box
around Christian discipline. The word bring them
up in the ancient Greek was the physical development
of a child. Classical Greek literature, you would
read this word. It would be the strength and
the physical development of a child. In later
Greek literature, it meant the total education
of a child, the moral, physical, relational,
spiritual development. What do you need to do
to nurture or bring them up or develop them?
By the time the Apostle Paul uses this word,
he's basically saying, as a Christian parent,
your goal is to not overcorrect, but by contrast,
spiritually, morally, relationally, and physically,
help them become who God wants them to become.
And then he says you have two tools in your toolbox.
You have Christian teaching and Christian discipline.
We'll develop these further. Christian teaching
is what you say. It's what you teach. It's what
you instruct informally and formally. Christian
discipline is what you do. Other than modeling
the life, you only do two things with your kids.
You say certain things and you do certain things.
And so he says that's the target. I call this
the principle of focus. My biggest concern with
parents, and believe me, I have four grown kids.
We had many ups and downs. I came from an alcoholic
home. My wife came from an alcoholic home. So
all I'm going to tell you is I had no clue about
how to do what I'm going to tell you. But I passionately
dug in and asked God to show me. And the biggest
danger I always had was parenting out of fear.
I've lived in places that were really dangerous.
I lived in places that I just described. My kids
lived there. But God says parenting out of fear
doesn't work. You need to parent out of focus,
a clear target. So what's the target? I'd like
to challenge you to think about God's dream versus
what I'd call the human dream or the American
dream or our personal dream for our kids. God's
dream, you can write down Romans 8, 29. We often
quote verse 28, especially when you're going
through hard times. For we know that God works
all things together for the good, for them that
love him. for those that are called according
to his purpose. The very next verse talks about
the process that he uses, and his goal is to
conform your sons and your daughters to the image
of Christ. In other words, God's dream, are you
ready? This is how simple. He wants your kids
to be like Jesus. He wants them to be Christ
-like. The Bible word that we don't use a lot,
he wants them to be holy. Not holy as in weird.
Not wholly as in they just don't know how to
relate to people. Wholly as in set apart for
him. Morally pure. Understanding his love. Counter
to the culture. That is the target for your child.
Now, human, and especially American culture,
the target is for your child to be successful
and happy. And this isn't just out there. This
is us. The culture just, we are bombarded with,
if you really are a good parent, you want your
kids to be happy. So that's why you give them
happy meals, right? And they deserve a break
today. And if all their friends are getting to
do something, you don't want them to be left
out because they wouldn't be happy. You want
them to be happy, happy, happy, happy, happy.
And so you don't want to hurt their feelings
and you don't want to, and you've been bought
and you've been sold. A bill of goods that says
good parents make your kids happy. And the way
you understand happiness is not just emotional
happiness, but they'll be happy if they'll be
successful. And so if you have a three -year
-old that's not in a soccer league, you need
to get with the program. And, you know, they
need to learn piano and guitar. And you better
check out and see if ballet might be part of
what they should do. And then they're on this
team, and hopefully they'll make the traveling
team. And by sixth grade, you need to get an
SAT tutor. And they'll really be happy if they
get in a really good, I mean, not just a good
university, but a great university. And so if
you would take all the time and energy and money
that you spend helping your child be successful
in athletics and in sports and in school, And
all the money and time and energy you spend at
their moral and spiritual development, you tell
me in your own parenting journey, where does
the energy go? You're listening to Living on
the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll get back to
today's message in just a minute. But quickly,
throughout this series, Chip's emphasized the
fact that great marriages require a lot of work.
And that's where we come in. Keep listening after
this message to learn more about a helpful new
resource we've created that couples can use to
grow and strengthen their relationship. Stick
around to get all of the details. For now, here
again is Chip to continue our series, Uninvited
Guests. And here's what I can tell you. If your
child has a passionate love for God and they
become holy, and they become other -centered
and kind and disciplined and non -narcissistic
and care for people that other people don't care
for and be other -centered and have a passion
to love and walk with God, I will guarantee beyond
happiness, they'll have joy and they'll have
impact and they'll have purpose. But many of
you could tell me the story, and I've pastored
for a little over 30 years. I could read a list
of who's who of kids that are extraordinarily
successful from really good Christian homes that
they went away to college. And you know what?
They don't care about God, and they don't care
about you, and they care about themselves. And
you know what? In your greatest and most sincere
intentions to make them happy, happy, happy,
they got the weird idea that the whole world
was about them. And whenever they're not happy,
the life's not fair. And in their little superficial
faith that they had of if God didn't make them
happy and he didn't come through, well, they
get mad at him. And we've got a generation of
about 70 % of those coming out of our Bible teaching
churches who four or five years after college
don't really have anything to do with God, and
we wonder why. Effective parenting begins with
the crystal clear target. Your job as a parent,
more than their success, more than their happiness,
is to help them be holy. And that requires a
lot of courage. It requires intentionality. It
requires a plan. And by the way, it's not easy.
And you'll not only be unpopular with unbelievers,
you'll be unpopular with a lot of Christians.
But there's a great reward, an amazing reward.
Second principle, effective parenting demands
that we practice what we preach, that we practice
what we preach. The Apostle Paul is writing to
a church that's near and dear to him. They're
Corinthians, but they are a group that's kind
of hard. They have a lot of struggles. They have
a lot of dysfunctions. They got a lot of baggage.
and they have a lot of sort of super apostles
that are coming in and coming out and telling,
you ought to live this way, you ought to live
that way. And so he writes a very personal letter
to them talking about, look, I'm your spiritual
father, okay? There's a lot of people that will
tell you stuff. I'm your spiritual father, and
in the midst of all this confusion, I want you
to listen to me very, very carefully. And so
he writes as a father to spiritual children,
and I think there's a great application for us
as parents. It's 1 Corinthians 4, 14 to 16. He
says, I am not writing this to shame you, but
to warn you as my dear children. In other words,
this is from a warm heart. He's not down on them.
Even though you have 10 ,000 guardians in Christ,
you do not have many fathers. For in Christ Jesus,
I became your father through the gospel. In other
words, I care for you more than anyone else.
I was the conduit of God's grace that brought
spiritual birth. Now here's the application.
Therefore, I urge you to imitate me. And if you
would just put a little word, write the word
mimic, M -I -C above it. And you now know one
Greek word. That's the word, mimic, imitate.
He's saying, I want you to pray the way you saw
me pray. I want you to work the way you saw me
work. I want you to forgive people the way you
saw me forgive people. I want you to passionately
follow Christ the way you saw me do it. I want
you to use your money and your time and your
energy the way, just mimic me. Follow me as I
follow Christ. See, you can't impart what you
don't possess. The most important principle of
all parenting. You can almost mess up in every
area, but if you are what you want your kids
to become, here's the deal. They're going to
be, for better or worse, a lot like you. Jesus
stated it in Luke 640. A student, when he's fully
trained, will be just like his teacher. Here's
what you need to get, and for some of you, this
will be really, really helpful. Our junior high,
our children's ministry, a Christian school that
you may send your kid to, a mentoring group,
a small group, a Christian coach. What I want
you to know is all those people are wonderful,
tiny, little helpers. But the teacher of your
child is you. The person that God will hold responsible
for what did your child learn and what they receive
is not the church, not a Bible study leader,
not a school. It's you. And here's the research.
My background was in all the social sciences,
and one of the great heroes of research was a
guy named Albert Bandura. And all of his work
was in the area of what he called modeling. The
number one and most powerful socialization of
a child is modeling. And that's psychology speak
for you talk like your mom and dad, you eat like
your mom and dad, your values are like your mom
and dad, you'll be prejudiced like your mom and
dad, you'll be passionate about like your mom
and dad. Your kids in your home, the environment
of your home and your life is the most powerful
thing. Your kids, even in their teen years, even
in their young adulthood, You are the most powerful
influencer. You have to be what you want them
to become. If you don't get anything out of this
whole series, see, when I do that, I start thinking
to myself, oh my, that's scary. I mean, isn't
it? I mean, if you play it out, would I want
my kids to forgive people? the way I don't forgive
people, what I want my kids to drive a car the
way I drive my car, what I want my kids to have
those white lies on the phone, like tell them
I'm not here the way I have white lies on the
phone, what I want my kids to handle their priorities
and money the way I handle my priorities and
money. Here's the deal. They will. I came across
an ancient quote. It's anonymous. It says, let
every father remember that one day his son will
follow his example instead of his advice. Right?
So the principle of modeling, more really is
caught than taught. And so one of the things
that has motivated me as a parent, and I didn't
know what I was doing, but I got motivated. I
had these mental pictures, and this is a different
picture where I lined all my kids up on the couch
when they were small. And I basically heard myself
say, okay, I want you to drive exactly the way
you see me drive. I want you to spend time with
God and pray the way you see me spend time with
God. I want you to deal when people say bad things
about you. I want you to, are you ready? I want
you to respond the way you see me respond. And
all of a sudden, I just went through those areas,
and it was the greatest motivation to walk with
God and be a man of God. And by the way, just
before you get into... Oh, I've got to be perfect.
And if I'm not perfect, my kids are going to
turn out. Believe me, you're not perfect. They
already know that. You know what they need to
learn? They need to learn how to be authentic
and loving. And you know how they learn that?
Is when you're driving in a way that you realize,
oh my. When stuff comes out of your mouth that
you go, oh, that is not what I want to come out
of their mouth. You know what you do? You own
it. And I cannot tell you how many times, even
when they were small, I'd have to get down on
one knee and, you know, look one of my kids in
the eye and say, what you did was wrong. And
I love you, but I can't accept that behavior.
We don't do that here. But I love you. But how
daddy corrected you, the way his voice got loud,
and the anger that you could feel, I was wrong.
Will you forgive me? See, you know how your kids
learn to walk with God? It's not that you have
it all together. They see where you make great
progress and they see how you deal with it when
you fail so they understand how to receive forgiveness
and to own their stuff when they fail because
they will. there's a target that has to be crystal
clear. I want my kids to be holy like Christ.
My energy, my plan, my intentionality. I mean,
some of you have plans for their academics, don't
you? I mean, if their sophomore year, we haven't
visited any colleges yet, or you want them to
be a good athlete, my lens, you know, we don't
have a personal coach yet and a strength trainer
and nutrition drinks and lifting weights and,
right? And because they got to make the traveling
team, they got to have a scholarship. I mean,
you have a plan, and many of you, your whole
life revolves around either academics or sports
or music. Well, if all you want to do is produce
athletes or musicians, great, or people that
get in good schools. But what does it profit
a child if he gains the whole world and forfeits
his or her soul? They become successful spiritual
washouts with parents whose hearts are broken,
who don't have relationship, who question and
wonder what in the world went wrong. Principle
number three, the target is clear, the teacher
is you, but all learning happens in an environment.
Principle number three is effective parents build
relationships that bond. You want to have super
glue between your heart and the heart of your
child. You're going to go through difficult times.
The world is going to bombard them. They're going
to have peer influence. There's going to be all
kind of technology. They're going to be bullied.
They're going to be afraid. They're going to
have different personalities. You're going to
have one that's compliant, and you can sort of
look at them like that, and they say, oh, yes,
whatever you say, mom or dad. And you're going
to have one that it doesn't matter what you say.
You ground them for 35 years, whatever you tell
them. And they just look at you, is that all
you got? And you're going to have difficulty.
So what you want to do is you want to build,
and by the way, it's never, ever, ever, ever
too late, but it's most, most, most effective
when you start as early as possible. You want
to build relationships with your kids that bond
your heart to their heart because what you want
them to do is not want to disappoint you because
they know you love them and they love you instead
of some set of rigid rules and performance orientation
that they need to measure up. The Apostle Paul
gives us a picture of these kind of relationships
as he talks to a church and literally from Scripture
tells us this is how mothers love and this is
how fathers love. 1 Thessalonians 2, he says,
but we were gentle among you, how? Like a mother,
circle the word mother, caring for her little
children. He says, this is how we treated you.
We loved you so much that we're delighted to
share with you not only the gospel of God, I
mean, not just the content, not the truth, but
our own lives as well. Why? Because you had become
so dear to us. Would you underline the word gentle,
caring, loved, share, dear to us? He's saying,
we loved you. And this is how a child needs a
mother's love. There's a tenderness. There's
a nurturing. There's a commitment. There's a
pouring out your life that builds relationships
that bond. This is Living on the Edge with Chip
Ingram, and you've been listening to part one
of Chip's message, How to Raise Positive Kids
in a Negative World, from our series, Uninvited
Guests. Chip will be back shortly to share some
helpful application for us to think about. We've
all heard it said that raising kids isn't for
the faint of heart. Every parent can attest that
it can be deeply encouraging and life -giving
one moment and want to pull out your hair frustrating
the next. And those emotional ups and downs don't
include the external challenges and pressures
that kids, moms, and dads face every day. So
over the next handful of messages, Chip will
highlight biblical principles to help navigate
the complexities of raising kids in today's world.
Don't miss the insightful wisdom from God's Word,
along with practical advice from a seasoned dad
to guide you along your parenting journey. If
you've missed any part of this series, catch
up at livingontheedge .org. or wherever you listen
to podcasts. Well, our Bible teacher Chip Ingram
is here in studio to share something with all
of you. Thanks, Dave. Have you ever tossed a
rock in a pond and watched the ripples travel
across the water? Well, the same principle applies
to committing to be a God -honoring family. When
a couple loves God and are loyal to one another,
you have the ability to create a godly home and
raise godly kids and grandkids. And it ripples
for generation after generation. Strengthening
families is our passion. And I want you to know
you are playing a vital role in making that happen
at Living on the Edge. When you support us financially,
you're investing in our work to establish a legacy
of Christ -centered families. You know, we can
blame lots of other people and we can talk about
the media or education. I've got news for you.
The research is crystal clear. It begins with
the family. Your support financially at Living
on the Edge will help us build families that
raise kids and grandkids that walk with God.
And right now during this series, those of you
who choose to become monthly partners will receive
the Marriage That Works truth cards as our way
of saying thanks. Pray about partnering with
us and then follow God's lead. Great challenge,
Chip. And please know how much we appreciate
your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us
to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready
to walk through doors that God opens for us.
And as Chip said during this entire series, if
you become a monthly financial partner of Living
on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource,
The Marriage That Works Truth Cards, as our thank
you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge .org
or by calling 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888
-333 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. App
listeners, tap Donate. Well, coming up on the
next edition of Living on the Edge, we'll continue
Chip's series, Uninvited Guests. So I hope you'll
join us. But until then, I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks
for listening.