WEBVTT 00:00:01.440 --> 00:00:05.219 Conflict, it is inevitable, but it's not necessarily 00:00:05.219 --> 00:00:09.839 a bad thing. However, left unresolved, conflict 00:00:09.839 --> 00:00:13.419 has the power to destroy even the strongest marriages. 00:00:13.779 --> 00:00:16.960 So how do you resolve conflict? How do you work 00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:18.920 through it effectively? That's what we're going 00:00:18.920 --> 00:00:23.260 to talk about today. Thanks for listening to 00:00:23.260 --> 00:00:26.000 this edition of Living on the Edge with Chip 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:28.789 Ingram. We are an international teaching and 00:00:28.789 --> 00:00:31.469 discipleship ministry that encourages and equips 00:00:31.469 --> 00:00:34.170 Christians to live like Christians. In this program, 00:00:34.289 --> 00:00:36.770 Chip continues our series, Uninvited Guests, 00:00:36.810 --> 00:00:39.729 with the remainder of his talk, Conflict Resolution, 00:00:39.909 --> 00:00:42.729 How to Fight Fair in Marriage. And in case you 00:00:42.729 --> 00:00:44.869 missed the first half or any other message in 00:00:44.869 --> 00:00:48.990 this teaching, visit livingontheedge .org or 00:00:48.990 --> 00:00:51.710 wherever you listen to podcasts. Okay, there's 00:00:51.710 --> 00:00:54.170 a lot more helpful content to get to, so let's 00:00:54.170 --> 00:00:57.679 join Chip now for today's talk. Now what I'd 00:00:57.679 --> 00:01:00.140 like to do is I want to walk through an acronym. 00:01:01.320 --> 00:01:04.459 Are you ready for this? DEFUSE. Can you believe 00:01:04.459 --> 00:01:07.500 I used that acronym? We want to diffuse the conflict. 00:01:07.620 --> 00:01:10.599 Literally, I looked this up in Webster's. It's 00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:12.760 the idea of something that's kind of coming to 00:01:12.760 --> 00:01:15.879 a boil and to diffuse means to spread it out. 00:01:16.430 --> 00:01:20.549 We wanna diffuse the anger, diffuse the argument, 00:01:20.709 --> 00:01:24.090 diffuse the conflict so that instead of it being 00:01:24.090 --> 00:01:26.450 attacking one another, you diffuse it to the 00:01:26.450 --> 00:01:28.769 point where both of you get God's perspective 00:01:28.769 --> 00:01:32.489 and you resolve it God's way. So here's what 00:01:32.489 --> 00:01:34.090 I want you to do. Some of you, this will be very 00:01:34.090 --> 00:01:36.709 easy, all right? Some of you, maybe you've had 00:01:36.709 --> 00:01:39.629 a good last couple, three weeks, try and remember, 00:01:39.829 --> 00:01:41.870 I want you to bring to your mind the biggest 00:01:41.870 --> 00:01:45.439 conflict in your marriage right now, okay? I 00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:47.180 mean, let's not go through this like I'm going 00:01:47.180 --> 00:01:48.819 to give you something to do for each of these 00:01:48.819 --> 00:01:51.019 letters and you all go, oh boy, that was so good. 00:01:51.060 --> 00:01:52.799 Wasn't that wonderful? If we ever have a fight 00:01:52.799 --> 00:01:54.439 or a disagreement, this will be nice. No, no, 00:01:54.439 --> 00:01:58.760 no, no, no, no. I want you to think of the biggest 00:01:58.760 --> 00:02:01.379 conflict in your marriage right now. Maybe it's 00:02:01.379 --> 00:02:03.879 where some money's being spent. Maybe it's in 00:02:03.879 --> 00:02:06.560 the areas of intimacy in your life. Maybe it's 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:08.479 in terms of where you're going to locate. Maybe 00:02:08.479 --> 00:02:10.680 it's an issue about how you discipline the kids. 00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:15.060 I don't know what it is. unfulfilled longings, 00:02:15.060 --> 00:02:17.639 frustrations, but I want you to think of this 00:02:17.639 --> 00:02:21.020 is the biggest conflict in our marriage right 00:02:21.020 --> 00:02:24.039 now. Now, what I want to do is walk through a 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:29.659 process to say, instead of attacking or withdrawing, 00:02:29.659 --> 00:02:35.120 how in the world can we do this God's way? And 00:02:35.120 --> 00:02:37.780 before I do, can I give you one quick, you know, 00:02:37.780 --> 00:02:39.180 those word pictures we're talking about? I'm 00:02:39.180 --> 00:02:41.300 going to give you a little word picture. that 00:02:41.300 --> 00:02:43.500 will help you recognize how you tend to respond. 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:47.439 When you have conflict, you tend to respond either 00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:51.939 as a turtle or as a shark, okay? Those are just 00:02:51.939 --> 00:02:55.199 the normal ways that people respond. So sometimes 00:02:55.199 --> 00:02:58.099 there's conflict and there's hurt and there's 00:02:58.099 --> 00:03:00.000 an argument and there's something. Some people 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:02.080 are turtles. What do turtles do? They stick their 00:03:02.080 --> 00:03:04.680 head back in the shell and then they pull their 00:03:04.680 --> 00:03:07.599 little limbs in. Turtles will not speak to you 00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:11.030 for hours or sometimes days at a time. That means 00:03:11.030 --> 00:03:14.330 you have a problem in your relationship. Turtles 00:03:14.330 --> 00:03:16.849 often face the other wall that we talked about 00:03:16.849 --> 00:03:19.849 at bedtime, letting you know they don't really 00:03:19.849 --> 00:03:22.969 want to talk to you or be around you. Turtles 00:03:22.969 --> 00:03:26.949 withdraw affection. Turtles will not hug you 00:03:26.949 --> 00:03:29.509 or kiss you in ways that make you feel like there's 00:03:29.509 --> 00:03:31.750 a real person inside hugging you or kissing you. 00:03:31.789 --> 00:03:35.069 You know, they give you the old, hmm. Or you 00:03:35.069 --> 00:03:37.990 get the cold, silent shoulder. And by the way, 00:03:37.990 --> 00:03:39.930 this is just kind of... We all learn from our 00:03:39.930 --> 00:03:42.110 families and our personalities how to deal with 00:03:42.110 --> 00:03:45.050 conflict. So this is like in your DNA. You've 00:03:45.050 --> 00:03:48.430 been trained by this. Turtles avoid. If there's 00:03:48.430 --> 00:03:50.969 conflict, let's not talk about that. They redirect, 00:03:51.150 --> 00:03:53.050 let's do this. Oh, why don't we do something 00:03:53.050 --> 00:03:54.930 else? Hey, maybe we should go on vacation. Let's 00:03:54.930 --> 00:03:57.150 not talk about that right now. Whatever it takes 00:03:57.150 --> 00:04:00.610 to avoid the conflict, to not face difficult 00:04:00.610 --> 00:04:03.830 issues, that's what turtles do. Sometimes they 00:04:03.830 --> 00:04:08.009 run to mother. Sometimes they run to pain. Sometimes 00:04:08.009 --> 00:04:10.830 they run to alcohol or drugs or spending or pleasure 00:04:10.830 --> 00:04:15.849 or buying things they can't afford. Now, by contrast, 00:04:16.009 --> 00:04:20.009 sharks, when there's conflict, they start swimming 00:04:20.009 --> 00:04:21.550 the water. Have you seen like on the Discovery 00:04:21.550 --> 00:04:27.730 Channel? You know, right? You know, hey, there's 00:04:27.730 --> 00:04:29.449 conflict. We're going to get it solved and we're 00:04:29.449 --> 00:04:31.209 going to get it solved now. And their goal is 00:04:31.209 --> 00:04:34.189 to win. And so sharks have different games. They 00:04:34.189 --> 00:04:38.019 play the mind reading game. You only did that 00:04:38.019 --> 00:04:40.000 when you're trying to be nice because you felt 00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:42.699 guilty, didn't you? See, I can read your mind. 00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:46.540 I'm the mini psychologist. Or, you know, when 00:04:46.540 --> 00:04:48.600 you bring up something, a shark will say something. 00:04:48.620 --> 00:04:51.000 Well, anyway, if you think my office is filthy, 00:04:51.120 --> 00:04:52.839 look at yours. Or if you did this, you know, 00:04:52.839 --> 00:04:55.319 they will do the switcheroo. So what they do 00:04:55.319 --> 00:04:57.139 is they take any issue that's brought up, they 00:04:57.139 --> 00:04:59.600 spin it real quickly and dagger right back at 00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:01.839 you. If you're thinking to yourself, this guy 00:05:01.839 --> 00:05:03.579 really is good on the shark side of it, there's 00:05:03.579 --> 00:05:09.660 a reason. Sharks keep score. Sharks play in their 00:05:09.660 --> 00:05:11.060 mind and comes out of their mouth. I'm trying 00:05:11.060 --> 00:05:12.579 harder than you are. You know, if you try as 00:05:12.579 --> 00:05:13.759 hard as me, then this marriage would be what 00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:17.019 it's supposed to be. Sharks use logic to escape 00:05:17.019 --> 00:05:19.740 emotional reality. When someone gives a shark 00:05:19.740 --> 00:05:24.050 an I feel message. This is what I'm feeling and 00:05:24.050 --> 00:05:26.689 I think we need to deal with this. They intellectualize 00:05:26.689 --> 00:05:28.610 it and say, well, in light of your childhood 00:05:28.610 --> 00:05:30.910 and the sociological issues that you were brought 00:05:30.910 --> 00:05:33.149 up with and in light of sort of the DNA patterns 00:05:33.149 --> 00:05:35.430 that I've noticed over the last 26 years of marriage, 00:05:35.529 --> 00:05:37.790 I can see where someone with your pathology might 00:05:37.790 --> 00:05:42.910 feel that way. Basically discounting the message. 00:05:44.389 --> 00:05:47.480 Sharks use their intellect. to diffuse things 00:05:47.480 --> 00:05:49.620 in their mind because the goal for sharks is 00:05:49.620 --> 00:05:53.279 to win. Sharks, when it really gets bad, you 00:05:53.279 --> 00:05:55.660 know, it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes, 00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:57.319 it comes. Hey, you know what? I'll tell you what, 00:05:57.379 --> 00:05:59.439 I'll just divorce you and you'll see how it's 00:05:59.439 --> 00:06:03.660 the atom bomb attack, the big threat. Trying 00:06:03.660 --> 00:06:06.819 to bring fear into the relationship to make the 00:06:06.819 --> 00:06:10.000 other person submit and shut up and not face 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:15.259 it. Sharks humiliate their partners. Statements 00:06:15.259 --> 00:06:17.759 come out. And you get this, even if they don't 00:06:17.759 --> 00:06:22.439 say it, there's this kind of, how could you be 00:06:22.439 --> 00:06:27.399 so stupid? I mean, how could you? Did your mom 00:06:27.399 --> 00:06:30.540 not raise any smart kids? I mean, you know, that 00:06:30.540 --> 00:06:33.740 is ludicrous. There's this air of sophistication 00:06:33.740 --> 00:06:36.800 where they go up and they put you down. And by 00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:40.360 the way, what does this do? Just closes down 00:06:40.360 --> 00:06:42.660 everything, doesn't it? And what's it teach you? 00:06:43.340 --> 00:06:45.439 It teaches you, if you're married to a shark, 00:06:45.800 --> 00:06:48.060 you know, when I talked about bringing up conflict 00:06:48.060 --> 00:06:50.980 and I feel messages and doing it gently, some 00:06:50.980 --> 00:06:53.180 of you, the knots start in your stomach and you're 00:06:53.180 --> 00:06:55.899 thinking, I've done that before and I've got 00:06:55.899 --> 00:07:00.519 a wound here and a shark bite right here. And 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:02.379 some of you are married to turtles and you live 00:07:02.379 --> 00:07:05.120 with constant frustration. It's like the guessing 00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:06.579 game. Is something wrong? Is something wrong? 00:07:06.740 --> 00:07:08.279 Is something wrong? I can kind of tell something's 00:07:08.279 --> 00:07:10.540 wrong. I think something's wrong. I mean, the 00:07:10.540 --> 00:07:12.220 fact we haven't talked in a week and a half, 00:07:13.080 --> 00:07:15.500 Maybe, would you write me a note? I think something's 00:07:15.500 --> 00:07:19.439 wrong. Now, let me ask you this question. Now, 00:07:19.500 --> 00:07:21.319 not that any of you are full -blooded sharks 00:07:21.319 --> 00:07:26.540 or big, big turtles, but if I had to make you 00:07:26.540 --> 00:07:28.740 put yourself in the shark or the turtle category, 00:07:28.899 --> 00:07:32.560 which are you? How do you respond to conflict? 00:07:33.939 --> 00:07:37.100 What do you tend to do? And see, the reason I 00:07:37.100 --> 00:07:38.639 want you to get that down is because when I'm 00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:41.680 gonna walk through this major conflict, You need 00:07:41.680 --> 00:07:44.600 to do it through the lens of realizing my natural 00:07:44.600 --> 00:07:48.160 inclination is to attack. You attack, why? Because 00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:50.540 you're insecure like me and you don't want the 00:07:50.540 --> 00:07:52.360 other person to see your shame and your failure. 00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:54.459 Or you're gonna withdraw. Why are you gonna withdraw? 00:07:54.699 --> 00:07:56.680 Because you're insecure like me and everybody 00:07:56.680 --> 00:07:59.019 else. And you don't wanna face difficult, hard 00:07:59.019 --> 00:08:01.620 things that might come up. And all I'm saying 00:08:01.620 --> 00:08:06.779 is, if there's any encouragement in Christ, You 00:08:06.779 --> 00:08:09.319 know, if there's any consolation of love, if 00:08:09.319 --> 00:08:12.160 there's any fellowship of the Spirit, be of the 00:08:12.160 --> 00:08:14.000 same mind toward one another. Be of the same 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:16.740 purpose. Don't think only on your own interests, 00:08:16.819 --> 00:08:19.720 but think also the interest of others. Let's 00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:23.079 figure a way to not be a shark or a turtle and 00:08:23.079 --> 00:08:26.139 get this on the table and deal with it. And I 00:08:26.139 --> 00:08:28.959 hope right now you're saying, how? Okay, ready? 00:08:29.519 --> 00:08:35.679 The D stands for? define the problem. And what 00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:38.820 I mean by this, define it on your own. When a 00:08:38.820 --> 00:08:42.080 conflict begins, the biggest mistake is verbalizing 00:08:42.080 --> 00:08:43.919 and trying to define and solve it with the other 00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:45.820 person. Because most of the time we're dealing 00:08:45.820 --> 00:08:48.179 with symptoms. But you have a problem, we jump 00:08:48.179 --> 00:08:50.440 in, and as soon as you get attacked, then the 00:08:50.440 --> 00:08:52.980 turtle and the shark start showing up. And now 00:08:52.980 --> 00:08:55.679 and then, a turtle, you know, if it's in, in, 00:08:55.779 --> 00:08:57.899 in, in, in the shell, tell you what, when you 00:08:57.899 --> 00:08:59.620 see a turtle that decides to have a shark day, 00:08:59.700 --> 00:09:03.570 it's scary. They come out, you know, with a snapping 00:09:03.570 --> 00:09:06.070 turtle because they can only take so much so 00:09:06.070 --> 00:09:09.870 long. And so this is what you need to do on your 00:09:09.870 --> 00:09:12.570 own. One of the reasons I keep a journal is I 00:09:12.570 --> 00:09:14.230 have little things that bother me all the time, 00:09:14.250 --> 00:09:16.129 not just about my marriage, but lots of things. 00:09:16.470 --> 00:09:19.870 And what we tend to do is not process our feelings 00:09:19.870 --> 00:09:21.929 and what's going on. And then we want to blame 00:09:21.929 --> 00:09:24.149 shift, right? We learned it. Adam did it. Eve 00:09:24.149 --> 00:09:26.799 did it. So we're the sons and daughters. So what 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:29.539 we find someone that we're gonna punish or blame 00:09:29.539 --> 00:09:31.360 shift, even when we're not sure what's going 00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:33.580 on inside. And who do you do that with? The people 00:09:33.580 --> 00:09:36.200 you love the most that are safest. So you tend 00:09:36.200 --> 00:09:38.620 to do that with your mate. And so my encouragement 00:09:38.620 --> 00:09:41.340 is define the problem on your own. And so I write 00:09:41.340 --> 00:09:45.080 down things like, what's bothering me? How do 00:09:45.080 --> 00:09:50.919 I feel? When did this begin? And as one of the 00:09:50.919 --> 00:09:55.450 great... Spurgeon said, he says, I pray my way 00:09:55.450 --> 00:09:58.870 near and I write my way clear. When I don't know 00:09:58.870 --> 00:10:01.049 what's going on inside and you're not sure, just 00:10:01.049 --> 00:10:04.850 start writing. I feel, God, I don't understand. 00:10:05.509 --> 00:10:07.470 There's anger going on in my heart right now 00:10:07.470 --> 00:10:08.950 and I can't figure out exactly where it's coming 00:10:08.950 --> 00:10:11.830 from. And pretty soon you write your way clear. 00:10:12.269 --> 00:10:14.090 But what you want to do is define the problem. 00:10:14.889 --> 00:10:17.850 Is the problem really the spending? Is that what 00:10:17.850 --> 00:10:20.330 really is bothering you? Is the problem the argument 00:10:20.330 --> 00:10:23.309 about the kids or is it philosophical? Is there 00:10:23.309 --> 00:10:25.769 a different belief system? I mean, define the 00:10:25.769 --> 00:10:29.950 problem on your own and get to where you can 00:10:29.950 --> 00:10:33.129 separate the problem from the person because 00:10:33.129 --> 00:10:35.389 as long as they're connected, every time you 00:10:35.389 --> 00:10:37.730 talk about the problem and you have some emotion 00:10:37.730 --> 00:10:39.909 behind it, what you're communicating is attack 00:10:39.909 --> 00:10:42.409 on the person. And so you want to get that problem 00:10:42.409 --> 00:10:44.409 and say, you know, what's really going on here? 00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:48.059 And that'll take some time. And you pray and 00:10:48.059 --> 00:10:51.299 you write and you think. Then second, once you 00:10:51.299 --> 00:10:53.100 define the problem, you think, you know, I think 00:10:53.100 --> 00:10:55.039 this is the issue. I think this is the problem. 00:10:55.320 --> 00:10:58.220 And by the way, it's I think, because you don't 00:10:58.220 --> 00:10:59.659 know for sure until you talk with your mate. 00:11:00.740 --> 00:11:03.419 Second, then the I stands for initiate a time 00:11:03.419 --> 00:11:09.500 to talk. Initiate a time to talk. And by the 00:11:09.500 --> 00:11:13.259 way, I would say that you need to do that when 00:11:13.259 --> 00:11:16.309 it's good for you. and when it's good for them. 00:11:16.490 --> 00:11:18.490 When you're a shark, when you go away and define 00:11:18.490 --> 00:11:20.210 the problem, what I do is I come home and say, 00:11:20.269 --> 00:11:21.629 Teresa, I need to talk right now. She's in the 00:11:21.629 --> 00:11:23.110 kitchen. She's doing this. She's doing that. 00:11:23.169 --> 00:11:25.490 She's been up early. Maybe there was two kids. 00:11:25.549 --> 00:11:27.250 She had other issues. I'm going to talk. I'm 00:11:27.250 --> 00:11:28.610 going to talk right now. And it was just like, 00:11:28.669 --> 00:11:30.850 you're nuts, Chip. You're nuts. I'm not ready 00:11:30.850 --> 00:11:35.789 to talk. Initiate a time to talk. And it may 00:11:35.789 --> 00:11:38.129 be something like, you know what? We had that 00:11:38.129 --> 00:11:41.190 fighter argument. A couple days ago, I've been 00:11:41.190 --> 00:11:42.610 away, I've been thinking, I've been praying. 00:11:42.850 --> 00:11:45.470 When would be a good time in the next 24 to 48 00:11:45.470 --> 00:11:48.789 hours to sit down and talk about this and then 00:11:48.789 --> 00:11:54.009 write it down? The scripture says, the discerning 00:11:54.009 --> 00:11:56.330 heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool 00:11:56.330 --> 00:11:59.870 feeds on folly. The discerning heart seeks knowledge. 00:11:59.929 --> 00:12:02.409 You wanna define that problem, figure out what's 00:12:02.409 --> 00:12:05.250 going on. And then it's not like if the turtle 00:12:05.250 --> 00:12:08.070 says, well, I'd like to talk about this in six 00:12:08.070 --> 00:12:09.730 months. That's not one of the options, okay? 00:12:10.330 --> 00:12:12.909 You know, tell me in the next 24 to 48 hours 00:12:12.909 --> 00:12:15.929 or so, look at your calendar. Because remember 00:12:15.929 --> 00:12:18.470 what Jesus said in Matthew 5, if you come there 00:12:18.470 --> 00:12:20.629 before the father and are there offering your 00:12:20.629 --> 00:12:23.429 offering and you realize your brother, in this 00:12:23.429 --> 00:12:25.590 case, your mate has something against you, leave 00:12:25.590 --> 00:12:28.610 your offering there, go to them. and make it 00:12:28.610 --> 00:12:31.909 right. Because when you have unresolved issues 00:12:31.909 --> 00:12:34.509 that don't get resolved, all that stuff starts 00:12:34.509 --> 00:12:36.789 getting down in here. And I'll tell you, it'll 00:12:36.789 --> 00:12:39.669 pop out in your speech, it'll pop out in your 00:12:39.669 --> 00:12:42.309 sex life, it'll pop out in your behavior, and 00:12:42.309 --> 00:12:44.169 pretty soon you'll have all these symptoms going 00:12:44.169 --> 00:12:46.409 because the real issue doesn't get dealt with. 00:12:47.929 --> 00:12:50.450 Define the problem, initiate a time to talk that's 00:12:50.450 --> 00:12:52.990 good for both of you. Don't be pushy, but don't 00:12:52.990 --> 00:12:56.240 procrastinate. And then the F stands for... Focus 00:12:56.240 --> 00:13:00.940 on the perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs 00:13:00.940 --> 00:13:04.179 18, 19 says, an offended brother is more unyielding 00:13:04.179 --> 00:13:07.059 than a fortified city and disputes are like the 00:13:07.059 --> 00:13:10.960 barred gates of a citadel. Now listen to that 00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:13.879 again. An offended brother. Let me take a little 00:13:13.879 --> 00:13:19.370 license here. An offended mate. is more unyielding 00:13:19.370 --> 00:13:21.710 than a, think of a fortified city with all the 00:13:21.710 --> 00:13:25.610 walls and all the ramparts. And disputes, arguments, 00:13:25.769 --> 00:13:30.090 are like barred gates of the citadel. When we 00:13:30.090 --> 00:13:33.990 wound our mate, walls start going up. And so 00:13:33.990 --> 00:13:36.809 you need to focus on the perceived problem and 00:13:36.809 --> 00:13:41.049 not the person. Every argument, every big conflict 00:13:41.049 --> 00:13:43.809 always ends up one of two things, a win -win 00:13:43.809 --> 00:13:48.000 or a lose -lose. Write that down. It's a win 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:51.360 -win or a lose -lose. If you win and your mate 00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:54.600 loses, you're won organically before God. You've 00:13:54.600 --> 00:13:57.820 just hated yourself. And it'll come back to bite 00:13:57.820 --> 00:14:00.580 you. You never win by, oh, I won this battle. 00:14:00.639 --> 00:14:02.620 Well, good for you. And you just lost the war. 00:14:03.740 --> 00:14:06.159 Whatever has to happen, you need to do it in 00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:08.899 a way. It's either going to be a win -win for 00:14:08.899 --> 00:14:11.379 both of you. And so you focus on the problem 00:14:11.379 --> 00:14:13.659 and not the person. You don't bring up their 00:14:13.659 --> 00:14:15.379 parents. You don't bring up their past. You don't 00:14:15.379 --> 00:14:18.960 bring up past stuff. This is the problem. This 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:20.759 is what I perceive it to be. It may not be the 00:14:20.759 --> 00:14:22.840 right problem, but you say, that's what I'm going 00:14:22.840 --> 00:14:25.919 to focus on. And so you avoid messages like you 00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:30.019 should, you always, you ought. And instead, okay, 00:14:30.179 --> 00:14:32.879 write in your notes here, write that I feel message. 00:14:33.639 --> 00:14:38.940 I feel this when this happens. Therefore, My 00:14:38.940 --> 00:14:42.179 perspective, I try and use that. I'm not as good 00:14:42.179 --> 00:14:44.639 as I should be. My perspective is I think this 00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:48.159 is the issue versus this is the issue. In other 00:14:48.159 --> 00:14:53.659 words, I know. So D, define the problem. I, initiate 00:14:53.659 --> 00:14:56.500 a time to talk. F, focus on the perceived problem. 00:14:56.700 --> 00:15:00.840 And then the next F is for feel their pain as 00:15:00.840 --> 00:15:03.919 though it were your own. Proverbs 17, 17 says, 00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:06.679 a friend loves at all times and a brother is 00:15:06.679 --> 00:15:09.899 born for adversity. Our first calling to our 00:15:09.899 --> 00:15:12.799 mates, and this is hard. Our first calling. to 00:15:12.799 --> 00:15:15.419 our mates is not what they give to us, but you 00:15:15.419 --> 00:15:18.379 are, remember, you are an agent of grace. Think 00:15:18.379 --> 00:15:21.559 of yourself as a pastor or a minister, okay? 00:15:21.899 --> 00:15:24.500 And God has all these people in the world, and 00:15:24.500 --> 00:15:27.120 you are the minister or the priest or the pastor 00:15:27.120 --> 00:15:29.220 that he's gonna use more than any person in the 00:15:29.220 --> 00:15:31.340 world, more than the greatest Bible teachers, 00:15:31.460 --> 00:15:33.740 whoever they are, the greatest worship services, 00:15:33.860 --> 00:15:36.059 the greatest music. The person he's going to 00:15:36.059 --> 00:15:38.820 use to make your mate the most like Jesus is 00:15:38.820 --> 00:15:42.340 you. And we have a high priest who's sympathetic 00:15:42.340 --> 00:15:45.259 with our needs, right? Who in every way was tempted, 00:15:45.460 --> 00:15:49.059 but he didn't sin. It's Hebrews 2 .18. And so 00:15:49.059 --> 00:15:51.360 what that means is when I come before the throne 00:15:51.360 --> 00:15:53.679 of grace and I'm struggling and I'm hurting and 00:15:53.679 --> 00:15:55.820 I'm lonely and I'm depressed and I've messed 00:15:55.820 --> 00:15:59.500 up and I feel condemned, I come to a priest who 00:15:59.500 --> 00:16:02.639 feels my pain, who understands where I'm coming 00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:05.179 from. I don't come to a God whose arms are crossed 00:16:05.179 --> 00:16:08.279 and toe is tapping and has a long, long finger 00:16:08.279 --> 00:16:09.879 like this going, boy, I was waiting for you to 00:16:09.879 --> 00:16:11.500 come, Ingram. You know what? You have really 00:16:11.500 --> 00:16:13.679 been messing up and I've been talking to Gabriel 00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:15.759 and the angels about you and boy, I'll tell you 00:16:15.759 --> 00:16:17.639 what, we're ready to, that's not who I meet. 00:16:18.730 --> 00:16:20.929 I meet a coming to me all you that labor and 00:16:20.929 --> 00:16:24.710 are heavy laden. I meet the father of the prodigal 00:16:24.710 --> 00:16:28.690 who says, I understand you messed up. I died 00:16:28.690 --> 00:16:32.889 for those mess ups. You have, my command is come 00:16:32.889 --> 00:16:36.610 boldly where? To the throne of grace, unmerited 00:16:36.610 --> 00:16:40.029 favor. To get what? Mercy in your time of need. 00:16:40.070 --> 00:16:43.070 What's mercy? Mercy is God withholding what you 00:16:43.070 --> 00:16:46.879 deserve for what you did bad. You're listening 00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:49.879 to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll 00:16:49.879 --> 00:16:52.000 be right back to finish today's message. But 00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:54.820 first, if this new series from Chip has inspired 00:16:54.820 --> 00:16:57.580 you, consider joining the Living on the Edge 00:16:57.580 --> 00:17:00.360 team. In fact, let me encourage you to stick 00:17:00.360 --> 00:17:02.940 around after the teaching to hear about a special 00:17:02.940 --> 00:17:05.920 gift we have for those who become monthly partners. 00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:08.880 You're not going to want to miss out. But until 00:17:08.880 --> 00:17:12.539 then, here again is Chip. And so I wanna be a 00:17:12.539 --> 00:17:14.940 priest to my wife and God wants her to be a priest 00:17:14.940 --> 00:17:17.319 to me. And the only way to do that is, and this 00:17:17.319 --> 00:17:20.180 is so hard for us men. I mean, I struggle with 00:17:20.180 --> 00:17:24.519 this, to feel the pain of where they're at. And 00:17:24.519 --> 00:17:27.660 you might jot in the corner word pictures. I 00:17:27.660 --> 00:17:31.660 have been so hardheaded in areas and Teresa has 00:17:31.660 --> 00:17:34.720 reminded me and she goes, you really don't get 00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:38.519 it, do you? And I kept telling her, yeah, I do, 00:17:38.599 --> 00:17:41.640 yeah, I do, yeah. Yeah, I do. Now she goes, you 00:17:41.640 --> 00:17:44.420 really don't. And you know, as I've, you know, 00:17:44.440 --> 00:17:46.220 I'm preparing all this stuff on marriage. Isn't 00:17:46.220 --> 00:17:50.519 this great? You know? And so, you know what I 00:17:50.519 --> 00:17:53.940 realized? I don't. I don't get it. The issue 00:17:53.940 --> 00:17:56.880 we're talking about, because I intellectualized 00:17:56.880 --> 00:17:59.480 and I logicked it and I put Bible verses to it. 00:17:59.539 --> 00:18:04.500 And this is, I didn't feel. I didn't feel what 00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:07.359 she was feeling. I didn't transpose myself for 00:18:07.359 --> 00:18:10.079 a while and say, I wonder what it's like to be 00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:12.500 her in this situation, in this stage of life, 00:18:12.579 --> 00:18:15.140 and have these things coming at you. What would 00:18:15.140 --> 00:18:17.440 that produce in your heart? I didn't do that. 00:18:17.799 --> 00:18:21.039 And so I was working from the neck up. And so, 00:18:21.039 --> 00:18:22.440 well, here, we need to do this. We ought to do 00:18:22.440 --> 00:18:23.819 this. We need to do this. And I caused a lot 00:18:23.819 --> 00:18:27.119 of pain and I messed up. Any of you other guys 00:18:27.119 --> 00:18:30.359 ever do that? And you know, this isn't just a 00:18:30.359 --> 00:18:32.619 male thing. I mean, there's a lot of men. It's 00:18:32.619 --> 00:18:34.519 just harder for us. You have to pull out what 00:18:34.519 --> 00:18:37.200 we feel because we don't know what we feel a 00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:40.240 lot. What we're good at is not feeling. In fact, 00:18:40.240 --> 00:18:42.200 even ask us a lot of questions. How many times 00:18:42.200 --> 00:18:44.720 does your husband say, oh, I'm really feeling 00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:48.119 vulnerable right now? Is that what you're getting 00:18:48.119 --> 00:18:51.180 from your man? You know, when's the last time 00:18:51.180 --> 00:18:52.559 you had a deep conversation? Your husband said, 00:18:52.680 --> 00:18:55.740 you know, I'm feeling kind of alone and vulnerable. 00:18:56.160 --> 00:18:59.599 And, you know, I just feel like, I want God to 00:18:59.599 --> 00:19:03.140 hold me. I mean, that sounds like you're not 00:19:03.140 --> 00:19:06.519 a real man. And the fact of the matter is, I'll 00:19:06.519 --> 00:19:09.880 guarantee your husband feels lonely and like 00:19:09.880 --> 00:19:13.400 he longs for God to hold him and longs that there's 00:19:13.400 --> 00:19:15.700 someone who's big and powerful and strong and 00:19:15.700 --> 00:19:17.680 accepting. Because you know what? He has all 00:19:17.680 --> 00:19:19.519 the same struggles and all the fears you do. 00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:23.880 But we've grown up in a world where real men 00:19:23.880 --> 00:19:27.019 are macho men. And we haven't had a lot of models 00:19:27.019 --> 00:19:30.769 to learn how to process. You know what? The God 00:19:30.769 --> 00:19:35.049 that we serve is the God of Zephaniah 317. The 00:19:35.049 --> 00:19:37.710 Lord your God is with you. He's mighty to save. 00:19:37.910 --> 00:19:40.930 He will quiet you with his love. He will sing, 00:19:40.950 --> 00:19:44.470 rejoice over you with singing. You know the heart 00:19:44.470 --> 00:19:46.529 of a man when you feel alone and you feel all 00:19:46.529 --> 00:19:48.029 this pressure and you don't know what to do, 00:19:48.130 --> 00:19:52.509 to be able to come before God and realize he's 00:19:52.509 --> 00:19:56.650 mighty to deliver. He will quiet you, not with 00:19:56.650 --> 00:20:00.099 his power, with his love. that you're okay, that 00:20:00.099 --> 00:20:03.200 he'll never leave you, that the thought of, you 00:20:03.200 --> 00:20:06.259 know, God singing over you, rejoicing over you, 00:20:06.299 --> 00:20:08.000 not because of what you did or what you didn't 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:10.579 do, that, you know what, life's okay because 00:20:10.579 --> 00:20:13.779 you're loved by him. And the person who's going 00:20:13.779 --> 00:20:16.519 to communicate that a lot is you. And your husband 00:20:16.519 --> 00:20:18.880 needs it. You need to feel what the pressures 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:20.980 are that he feels. He's not some robot that just 00:20:20.980 --> 00:20:23.839 gets up and makes stuff happen. He's got fearful 00:20:23.839 --> 00:20:26.240 things inside of him. You know, if we could understand 00:20:26.240 --> 00:20:28.279 that every woman at some point in time, there's 00:20:28.279 --> 00:20:30.500 a lot of little girl in her, and every man, no 00:20:30.500 --> 00:20:32.400 matter how big or powerful or wealthy, there's 00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:34.759 a little boy in him too. And part of what we 00:20:34.759 --> 00:20:36.359 need to do is learn how to love that person. 00:20:37.019 --> 00:20:39.180 And that means you've got to not just define 00:20:39.180 --> 00:20:42.039 the problem, initiate a time to focus on the 00:20:42.039 --> 00:20:46.000 problem, not the person, but you need to feel 00:20:46.000 --> 00:20:49.359 their pain as though it were your own. And by 00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:51.400 the way, I just realized too, guys, you don't 00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:53.220 have to understand it. It doesn't have to be 00:20:53.220 --> 00:20:55.019 logical. It doesn't even have to make sense. 00:20:56.480 --> 00:20:58.759 You know, I would go, well, that doesn't make 00:20:58.759 --> 00:21:01.259 sense. So I would say stuff like this to Teresa. 00:21:01.500 --> 00:21:03.579 Why are you feeling that way? That is, by the 00:21:03.579 --> 00:21:05.579 way, a very dumb question. Why are you feeling? 00:21:05.859 --> 00:21:08.079 Feelings are. They're the caboose in life, all 00:21:08.079 --> 00:21:11.420 right? They're just the caboose in life. The 00:21:11.420 --> 00:21:15.579 will is the engine. But the caboose is, you know, 00:21:15.640 --> 00:21:20.150 that chooser is what. feelings come, feelings 00:21:20.150 --> 00:21:21.970 go. I mean, it's everything from a bad experience 00:21:21.970 --> 00:21:23.869 to a bad enchilada. Who knows why we feel all 00:21:23.869 --> 00:21:27.329 the things we feel? And then after you feel, 00:21:27.390 --> 00:21:30.890 then you uncover the root problem. Most conflicts, 00:21:30.890 --> 00:21:34.690 by and large, are symptoms. Root problems not 00:21:34.690 --> 00:21:38.289 dealt with will forever surface over and over 00:21:38.289 --> 00:21:42.210 and over in the same kind of issues. Did you 00:21:42.210 --> 00:21:44.829 notice in your notes, and I just gave you some 00:21:44.829 --> 00:21:48.339 common symptoms. If you find you're arguing about 00:21:48.339 --> 00:21:50.299 money all the time, probably the issue is not 00:21:50.299 --> 00:21:53.079 money, okay? The problem in likelihood is you've 00:21:53.079 --> 00:21:55.619 got different values, you've got different priorities, 00:21:55.700 --> 00:21:58.079 or there's power and control issues in your relationship. 00:21:59.759 --> 00:22:01.720 Why did you spend the money here? Well, you're 00:22:01.720 --> 00:22:03.880 saying, well, our goals are here, but you spent 00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:06.660 it there. Or our priority, we should have spent 00:22:06.660 --> 00:22:09.519 it here instead of here. Or who has real control 00:22:09.519 --> 00:22:12.750 in the relationship? Well, money. begins to reveal 00:22:12.750 --> 00:22:15.750 those deep -seated issues. You need to get those 00:22:15.750 --> 00:22:17.930 issues on the table and talk about them. Or the 00:22:17.930 --> 00:22:20.809 second symptom here is sex. Often, not always, 00:22:20.910 --> 00:22:23.650 but often it's communication. I don't feel love. 00:22:23.710 --> 00:22:25.589 We're not communicating there. I don't feel close 00:22:25.589 --> 00:22:27.549 to you. If I don't feel like we're connecting 00:22:27.549 --> 00:22:29.769 intellectually and emotionally and we're talking 00:22:29.769 --> 00:22:32.450 things through, then getting together physically, 00:22:32.769 --> 00:22:35.549 you know, that's not doing it for me. Or maybe 00:22:35.549 --> 00:22:38.500 it's an unmet emotional need. You know, you want 00:22:38.500 --> 00:22:40.839 to be with me in a physical way, but I don't 00:22:40.839 --> 00:22:42.900 feel like kind of, you know, that triangle again. 00:22:43.079 --> 00:22:46.380 There is the spirit, the soul, and the body. 00:22:46.559 --> 00:22:48.839 And when the soul and the spirit's not being 00:22:48.839 --> 00:22:50.980 nurtured, you know what? That other person may 00:22:50.980 --> 00:22:52.980 not feel like getting together physically is 00:22:52.980 --> 00:22:56.059 such a wonderful, loving thing. Or for many, 00:22:56.160 --> 00:23:00.880 you know, it's past baggage in history. Or for 00:23:00.880 --> 00:23:03.849 many of us men, understanding. where our wives 00:23:03.849 --> 00:23:05.930 have been. And I mean, this is delicate and sensitive, 00:23:06.029 --> 00:23:07.809 but we better say it sometime, somewhere, right? 00:23:08.329 --> 00:23:11.390 If you haven't had a good conversation in an 00:23:11.390 --> 00:23:13.410 appropriate way, and maybe it's with a good counselor 00:23:13.410 --> 00:23:16.569 to understand your mate's sexual history, if 00:23:16.569 --> 00:23:18.869 they have real struggles in this area, you know 00:23:18.869 --> 00:23:21.369 what? Don't live your whole life there. Go get 00:23:21.369 --> 00:23:24.150 some help. I mean, when a woman has been abused, 00:23:24.880 --> 00:23:27.180 or if a woman has been through, you know, major 00:23:27.180 --> 00:23:29.700 rejection, there's multiple issues that impact 00:23:29.700 --> 00:23:31.799 this area. And you know what? You can just keep 00:23:31.799 --> 00:23:34.700 doing this forever and ever and ever and ever. 00:23:35.079 --> 00:23:37.779 Get down to the root issue. Or if the arguments 00:23:37.779 --> 00:23:40.559 are about in -laws, the roots are usually loyalty 00:23:40.559 --> 00:23:44.019 or expectations. You know, where, I mean, how 00:23:44.019 --> 00:23:45.759 many arguments have we all had about where are 00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:47.099 you going to go to Christmas? And are the kids 00:23:47.099 --> 00:23:48.900 coming here? Are you going to, we've done this 00:23:48.900 --> 00:23:51.099 forever, right? Or, you know, how much money 00:23:51.099 --> 00:23:52.660 do you spend for them? You know, your in -laws 00:23:52.660 --> 00:23:57.700 and this. It's about, I spent a good portion 00:23:57.700 --> 00:24:00.119 of the early years of my marriage communicating 00:24:00.119 --> 00:24:03.700 wrongly to my wife unintentionally that my parents 00:24:03.700 --> 00:24:06.839 were more important than her. And I didn't feel 00:24:06.839 --> 00:24:09.640 it. I didn't get it until bang, I got it. And 00:24:09.640 --> 00:24:11.960 I realized we were arguing about things because 00:24:11.960 --> 00:24:15.140 my parents were treating her in a way that were 00:24:15.140 --> 00:24:16.940 pitting me between them. And I was feeling like, 00:24:16.940 --> 00:24:19.920 and she needed to know, hey, if there's ever 00:24:19.920 --> 00:24:23.210 an issue, it's us against the world. And that 00:24:23.210 --> 00:24:24.710 means times you have to say some hard things 00:24:24.710 --> 00:24:26.950 to your parents or in -laws and say, hey, here's 00:24:26.950 --> 00:24:28.990 some boundaries. And you know what? We're a team 00:24:28.990 --> 00:24:31.470 and you can't treat me nice and her not nice. 00:24:32.869 --> 00:24:35.410 But those arguments have to do with loyalty and 00:24:35.410 --> 00:24:37.670 allegiance. And finally, if you argue a lot about 00:24:37.670 --> 00:24:40.069 children and work, it's about roles and goals. 00:24:40.730 --> 00:24:42.849 The root issue is what's our goal as a couple 00:24:42.849 --> 00:24:44.190 and why are we spending so much time with the 00:24:44.190 --> 00:24:46.890 kids or so much time at work? Or what's our roles? 00:24:47.009 --> 00:24:48.650 You know, this is happening with the children. 00:24:48.750 --> 00:24:50.970 My expectations are you handle this. Well, mine 00:24:50.970 --> 00:24:53.309 were that you would handle this. Well, you can 00:24:53.309 --> 00:24:55.809 keep arguing and arguing and arguing until you 00:24:55.809 --> 00:24:59.289 get down to, so what should our roles be and 00:24:59.289 --> 00:25:01.609 what are our goals? Okay, walk through it with 00:25:01.609 --> 00:25:05.049 me. You ready? D stands for? Define the problem. 00:25:05.250 --> 00:25:09.009 I stands for? Initiate a time to talk. F is focus 00:25:09.009 --> 00:25:12.509 on the? Problem, not the person. The next F is 00:25:12.509 --> 00:25:16.910 feel what's going on. The U is uncover the root 00:25:16.910 --> 00:25:19.690 symptoms. And then the S is set things right 00:25:19.690 --> 00:25:24.410 between you. It's a very, very simple one. Set 00:25:24.410 --> 00:25:26.490 things right between you. Therefore, confess 00:25:26.490 --> 00:25:29.390 your sins to one another that you may be healed. 00:25:30.569 --> 00:25:34.910 Own your responsibility. Confess. And by the 00:25:34.910 --> 00:25:37.609 way, don't do this in general ways. I was wrong. 00:25:38.660 --> 00:25:41.700 and then fill in the specific. Not, I'm really 00:25:41.700 --> 00:25:43.660 sorry for all that I did. There's something about 00:25:43.660 --> 00:25:46.000 that. It's kind of like when you say at bedtime, 00:25:46.339 --> 00:25:49.240 dear God, forgive me for all of my sins. You 00:25:49.240 --> 00:25:50.599 know, there's something that doesn't feel real 00:25:50.599 --> 00:25:53.079 cleansing about that, is it? Now, I mean, he 00:25:53.079 --> 00:25:55.220 understands the unknown sins, but you know, when 00:25:55.220 --> 00:25:57.279 he's pointed out this, this, this, this, he kind 00:25:57.279 --> 00:25:59.640 of wants you to have that personal talk and say, 00:25:59.700 --> 00:26:01.599 you know, Lord, I'm really sorry about this. 00:26:01.720 --> 00:26:03.500 And you know, when you say to your mate, I'm 00:26:03.500 --> 00:26:05.640 sorry for any way I've hurt you ever in our marriage 00:26:05.640 --> 00:26:08.460 in the last 27 years. Hey. I feel better. How 00:26:08.460 --> 00:26:11.519 about you? You know, it doesn't fly, does it? 00:26:11.920 --> 00:26:15.440 It needs to be specific and from the heart and 00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:18.259 contrite. And this is about, you know, setting 00:26:18.259 --> 00:26:22.019 things right is owning your responsibility. And 00:26:22.019 --> 00:26:24.900 then it's saying, I was wrong. And the next line 00:26:24.900 --> 00:26:29.900 is, will you forgive me? And I think this is 00:26:29.900 --> 00:26:33.059 important to look in their face. Will you forgive? 00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:36.190 It's a request. And I think it's very important 00:26:36.190 --> 00:26:38.150 that you don't just, oh yeah, it's okay. No, 00:26:38.210 --> 00:26:41.150 it's not okay. You know, just as I've again been 00:26:41.150 --> 00:26:42.970 doing this series, you know, God has brought 00:26:42.970 --> 00:26:45.190 some things to mind where I have in the very, 00:26:45.250 --> 00:26:50.630 you know, recent time had to realize, wow, I 00:26:50.630 --> 00:26:55.650 was wrong. Will you please forgive me? And I 00:26:55.650 --> 00:26:57.390 appreciate my wife as she looked me right now 00:26:57.390 --> 00:26:59.029 and says, I forgive you for what you've done. 00:26:59.710 --> 00:27:03.019 And then it's behind us. Do you realize how many 00:27:03.019 --> 00:27:05.579 couples never have that little conversation with 00:27:05.579 --> 00:27:09.519 those few words? I was wrong. Will you forgive 00:27:09.519 --> 00:27:12.660 me? And then to hear from the other person, I 00:27:12.660 --> 00:27:15.819 forgive you. You know what that does? That's 00:27:15.819 --> 00:27:17.960 like going over to the big relational chalkboard 00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:20.519 or whiteboard of your relationship and you erase 00:27:20.519 --> 00:27:23.920 it. And you erase it. Does it mean that things 00:27:23.920 --> 00:27:25.660 are never going to go up there again? No. But 00:27:25.660 --> 00:27:28.289 for now, you erase it. And you're clean before 00:27:28.289 --> 00:27:30.950 one another. And then when you forgive, you release. 00:27:31.069 --> 00:27:33.609 And that means you can't use stuff to bring it 00:27:33.609 --> 00:27:35.750 up in the past for the next round of conflict. 00:27:36.049 --> 00:27:41.529 And that's a choice. The E is establish a specific 00:27:41.529 --> 00:27:44.710 action plan that addresses the issues discussed. 00:27:45.250 --> 00:27:47.900 And you write it down. If you think I'm really 00:27:47.900 --> 00:27:49.279 big on writing stuff down, it's because if you 00:27:49.279 --> 00:27:50.859 don't write stuff down, nothing really happens 00:27:50.859 --> 00:27:53.819 and you don't have a track record and your view 00:27:53.819 --> 00:27:56.160 and remembrance of the situation will be very 00:27:56.160 --> 00:27:57.980 different than your mate's. Well, I thought we 00:27:57.980 --> 00:27:59.400 said we were gonna, well, I thought you said 00:27:59.400 --> 00:28:01.380 we're gonna do that. We're not gonna do that. 00:28:01.400 --> 00:28:03.940 Did I really say that? You know, get a calendar 00:28:03.940 --> 00:28:08.660 out and then get a piece of paper out. And then 00:28:08.660 --> 00:28:11.160 this sounds maybe pedantic, but it's very helpful. 00:28:11.339 --> 00:28:14.380 And as a husband, you say, I commit to blank 00:28:14.380 --> 00:28:17.539 by blank. And it might be, hey, I'm not sure 00:28:17.539 --> 00:28:19.579 what to do. I commit to think about this for 00:28:19.579 --> 00:28:21.960 three days and come back with three suggestions 00:28:21.960 --> 00:28:24.059 about how to deal with this. Or it might be, 00:28:24.099 --> 00:28:26.880 you know, I commit to have a conference once 00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:29.579 a week or forget that. I commit to do it this 00:28:29.579 --> 00:28:31.380 Thursday and then next Thursday, we'll talk about 00:28:31.380 --> 00:28:34.980 doing one next week. I commit to planning a weekend 00:28:34.980 --> 00:28:38.940 away in the next three months. And so the husband 00:28:38.940 --> 00:28:40.759 does that and the wife does that. And you see 00:28:40.759 --> 00:28:43.220 what it does? It takes you from a problem that 00:28:43.220 --> 00:28:46.549 gets... blown out of proportion, and you take 00:28:46.549 --> 00:28:48.670 the pie of your relationship, and that problem 00:28:48.670 --> 00:28:51.009 is a slice, and it's usually about 5%, maybe 00:28:51.009 --> 00:28:53.910 3%. And instead of arguing and bickering and 00:28:53.910 --> 00:28:56.089 hurting and wounding so that it goes to 10 and 00:28:56.089 --> 00:28:58.329 15 and 20 and 30 and 40%, and pretty soon you're 00:28:58.329 --> 00:28:59.609 saying, I got a terrible marriage. It really 00:28:59.609 --> 00:29:02.029 stinks. I can't live with this person. You focus 00:29:02.029 --> 00:29:04.470 on all that God has done, and then you diffuse 00:29:04.470 --> 00:29:06.650 it, and you say, you know what? Let's define 00:29:06.650 --> 00:29:08.960 this problem. Why don't we initiate a time to 00:29:08.960 --> 00:29:11.059 talk? You know, I'm going to focus on the problem, 00:29:11.140 --> 00:29:12.599 not the person. You know, I really want to feel 00:29:12.599 --> 00:29:14.920 how you're really feeling. Let's get down below 00:29:14.920 --> 00:29:17.240 what's really happening. You know what I see 00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:19.680 in this problem? I need to own this. And now 00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:21.480 let's establish a plan to make some progress. 00:29:21.940 --> 00:29:23.480 And you're always going to have those slices, 00:29:23.680 --> 00:29:27.059 right? You're going to have conflict. I mean, 00:29:28.119 --> 00:29:29.839 running backs get tackled. That's just the way 00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:32.619 it goes. It's a fallen world. You're going to 00:29:32.619 --> 00:29:34.799 have conflict. But you know what? You can take 00:29:34.799 --> 00:29:37.759 that little diffuse. And you can say, this is 00:29:37.759 --> 00:29:40.099 how we're gonna work through it. And when you 00:29:40.099 --> 00:29:43.680 do, I will tell you, God is gracious and kind 00:29:43.680 --> 00:29:47.180 and loving. And his word to us, I believe, would 00:29:47.180 --> 00:29:49.400 come out of James chapter one, as you listen 00:29:49.400 --> 00:29:52.019 to what I've just said. Because this is where 00:29:52.019 --> 00:29:54.140 the rubber meets the road, isn't it? James one, 00:29:54.279 --> 00:29:56.960 verse 22 to 25 says, do not merely listen to 00:29:56.960 --> 00:29:59.500 the word and so deceive yourselves, do what it 00:29:59.500 --> 00:30:02.180 says. Anyone who listens to the word but doesn't 00:30:02.180 --> 00:30:03.759 do what it says is like a man who looks at his 00:30:03.759 --> 00:30:06.509 face in a mirror. After looking at himself, goes 00:30:06.509 --> 00:30:09.029 away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 00:30:09.150 --> 00:30:11.869 But the man who looks intently into the perfect 00:30:11.869 --> 00:30:15.190 law that gives freedom and continues to do this, 00:30:15.210 --> 00:30:18.230 not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it, 00:30:18.309 --> 00:30:25.650 he will be blessed in all he does. You're listening 00:30:25.650 --> 00:30:28.410 to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the 00:30:28.410 --> 00:30:30.950 message you just heard, Conflict Resolution, 00:30:31.130 --> 00:30:33.829 How to Fight Fair in Marriage, is from our series, 00:30:33.990 --> 00:30:37.109 Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting the 00:30:37.109 --> 00:30:39.690 attacks on your family. Chip will join us in 00:30:39.690 --> 00:30:41.990 studio to share some insights from today's talk 00:30:41.990 --> 00:30:45.289 in just a minute. many philosophers have likened 00:30:45.289 --> 00:30:47.890 marriage to an exciting adventure which is true 00:30:47.890 --> 00:30:50.250 so how can you and your spouse make the most 00:30:50.250 --> 00:30:52.809 of your journey together for the last couple 00:30:52.809 --> 00:30:55.069 of programs chip explained how clear communication 00:30:55.069 --> 00:30:58.049 and resolving conflict can completely transform 00:30:58.049 --> 00:31:01.140 your relationship So whether you're a newlywed 00:31:01.140 --> 00:31:03.900 or have been together for decades, we pray CHIPS 00:31:03.900 --> 00:31:06.140 Insights have motivated you and your mate to 00:31:06.140 --> 00:31:09.099 practice these two skills. Let me encourage you 00:31:09.099 --> 00:31:11.539 to go back and catch up on any part of this series 00:31:11.539 --> 00:31:14.420 you may have missed by visiting livingontheedge 00:31:14.420 --> 00:31:18.549 .org or wherever you listen to podcasts. Well, 00:31:18.549 --> 00:31:20.670 Chip's back in studio with me now. And Chip, 00:31:20.750 --> 00:31:23.269 you shared with me recently that an elder at 00:31:23.269 --> 00:31:26.069 your church came to you looking for advice about 00:31:26.069 --> 00:31:28.569 an issue that many in the congregation were struggling 00:31:28.569 --> 00:31:31.269 with. In fact, it's an issue that countless across 00:31:31.269 --> 00:31:34.029 the country are dealing with, too. Absolutely, 00:31:34.250 --> 00:31:36.910 Dave. It wasn't something new, but it is something 00:31:36.910 --> 00:31:39.109 heartbreaking. You know, he was talking to me 00:31:39.109 --> 00:31:41.150 about, and he didn't share any names or anything. 00:31:41.980 --> 00:31:44.220 He said, you would be shocked at the people that 00:31:44.220 --> 00:31:46.500 are having marriage problems in our church. I 00:31:46.500 --> 00:31:48.420 mean, it's a healthy church. It teaches God's 00:31:48.420 --> 00:31:52.019 Word. And yet, in the midst of a healthy, healthy 00:31:52.019 --> 00:31:56.019 church environment, little by little, lies have 00:31:56.019 --> 00:31:58.640 undermined their marriages, and it's pulling 00:31:58.640 --> 00:32:02.369 them apart. People facing the emptiness or having 00:32:02.369 --> 00:32:05.109 a little struggle or getting pulled into porn 00:32:05.109 --> 00:32:08.049 or something happened in their marriage. This 00:32:08.049 --> 00:32:11.549 isn't about people out there. These are leaders 00:32:11.549 --> 00:32:14.710 in the church. There's never been a greater need 00:32:14.710 --> 00:32:18.089 for clear biblical guidance on the subject of 00:32:18.089 --> 00:32:21.109 marriage. And not only guidance, but some tools 00:32:21.109 --> 00:32:24.420 to help ordinary people. Learn to communicate. 00:32:24.519 --> 00:32:27.420 Learn to resolve conflict. Then have some tools 00:32:27.420 --> 00:32:30.000 to work at building a great marriage, whether 00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:32.299 it's good and needs to get better or whether 00:32:32.299 --> 00:32:35.759 it's in trouble. And you really need an anchor 00:32:35.759 --> 00:32:38.660 to help your marriage become what you know God 00:32:38.660 --> 00:32:41.880 wants it to become when you give financially 00:32:41.880 --> 00:32:44.740 to Living on the Edge. And when you also pray, 00:32:44.960 --> 00:32:48.579 you're a part of strengthening and healing marriages 00:32:48.579 --> 00:32:52.079 and helping marriage partners become better parents 00:32:52.079 --> 00:32:55.920 because great marriages are the key to kids who 00:32:55.920 --> 00:32:59.019 walk with God. Would you pray about becoming 00:32:59.019 --> 00:33:01.660 a financial partner with Living on the Edge? 00:33:01.839 --> 00:33:04.700 We need your help. Marriages are in trouble. 00:33:05.079 --> 00:33:07.960 Christian families are hurting. And we want to 00:33:07.960 --> 00:33:10.299 make a difference. And we need your partnership 00:33:10.299 --> 00:33:14.250 to do it. Thanks so much. Great challenge, Chip. 00:33:14.369 --> 00:33:17.109 And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice. 00:33:17.470 --> 00:33:20.349 Your regular support allows us to plan our next 00:33:20.349 --> 00:33:23.349 steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through 00:33:23.349 --> 00:33:26.549 doors that God opens for us. And as Chip said 00:33:26.549 --> 00:33:29.349 during this entire series, if you become a monthly 00:33:29.349 --> 00:33:32.089 financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll 00:33:32.089 --> 00:33:34.549 send you our newest resource, the Marriage That 00:33:34.549 --> 00:33:37.720 Works truth cards, as our thank you. Learn more 00:33:37.720 --> 00:33:40.940 by going to livingontheedge .org or by calling 00:33:40.940 --> 00:33:48.420 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888 -333 -6003 00:33:48.420 --> 00:33:53.079 or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners 00:33:53.079 --> 00:33:55.559 tap donate. Well, here again is Chip to share 00:33:55.559 --> 00:33:58.519 his application for his message. As we close 00:33:58.519 --> 00:34:01.339 today's program, I want to give you a word picture. 00:34:01.460 --> 00:34:04.190 I want to give you a picture. of the conflict 00:34:04.190 --> 00:34:08.010 in your relationship as this harsh light. Have 00:34:08.010 --> 00:34:10.710 you ever seen harsh light come through blinds 00:34:10.710 --> 00:34:13.070 where when you look up, I mean, you know, it 00:34:13.070 --> 00:34:16.690 blinds you or coming over a hill in the car at 00:34:16.690 --> 00:34:18.690 a certain time of the day where the sun comes 00:34:18.690 --> 00:34:21.809 and literally you can't even see the road? That's 00:34:21.809 --> 00:34:24.289 what happens with conflict. And what we're talking 00:34:24.289 --> 00:34:27.449 about, this acronym DIFFUSE, is how to put on 00:34:27.449 --> 00:34:30.550 some spiritual sunglasses. Picture with me this 00:34:30.550 --> 00:34:33.030 light coming in, but as you look... the way across 00:34:33.030 --> 00:34:36.329 the room, how it gets diffused. That's what we're 00:34:36.329 --> 00:34:39.690 talking about is the specific way to take that 00:34:39.690 --> 00:34:43.309 conflict that ignites your heart and your passions 00:34:43.309 --> 00:34:46.429 and your anger and your wounds and that resurrects 00:34:46.429 --> 00:34:48.449 bitterness. And when you make up names for one 00:34:48.449 --> 00:34:50.389 another and talk about family members from the 00:34:50.389 --> 00:34:53.469 past and when you can talk about how they have 00:34:53.469 --> 00:34:56.130 done something 11 years ago that you still haven't 00:34:56.130 --> 00:34:59.369 let go of and on and on and on. I mean, resolving 00:34:59.369 --> 00:35:01.409 conflict, what you realize is about the first 00:35:01.409 --> 00:35:03.929 half of it, I need to go in a room by myself 00:35:03.929 --> 00:35:08.050 and get things clear and right and let things 00:35:08.050 --> 00:35:12.670 diffuse in me. And so get alone with God, write 00:35:12.670 --> 00:35:16.550 things down, and then go with your mate calmly, 00:35:16.750 --> 00:35:19.989 lovingly, empowered by the Spirit, diffuse the 00:35:19.989 --> 00:35:25.809 conflict, express love, be forgiven, extend forgiveness, 00:35:26.050 --> 00:35:29.159 and move ahead. Really practical advice for us 00:35:29.159 --> 00:35:31.559 to follow, Chip. Thanks. Well, next time, Chip 00:35:31.559 --> 00:35:34.880 continues our series, Uninvited Guests, by shifting 00:35:34.880 --> 00:35:37.780 his focus from the marital relationship to helping 00:35:37.780 --> 00:35:40.920 couples parent in a God -honoring way. So be 00:35:40.920 --> 00:35:43.019 sure to join us for the next edition of Living 00:35:43.019 --> 00:35:46.019 on the Edge. Until then, I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks 00:35:46.019 --> 00:35:46.480 for listening.