Conflict, it is inevitable, but it's not necessarily
a bad thing. However, left unresolved, conflict
has the power to destroy even the strongest marriages.
So how do you resolve conflict? How do you work
through it effectively? That's what we're going
to talk about today. Thanks for listening to
this edition of Living on the Edge with Chip
Ingram. We are an international teaching and
discipleship ministry that encourages and equips
Christians to live like Christians. In this program,
Chip continues our series, Uninvited Guests,
with the remainder of his talk, Conflict Resolution,
How to Fight Fair in Marriage. And in case you
missed the first half or any other message in
this teaching, visit livingontheedge .org or
wherever you listen to podcasts. Okay, there's
a lot more helpful content to get to, so let's
join Chip now for today's talk. Now what I'd
like to do is I want to walk through an acronym.
Are you ready for this? DEFUSE. Can you believe
I used that acronym? We want to diffuse the conflict.
Literally, I looked this up in Webster's. It's
the idea of something that's kind of coming to
a boil and to diffuse means to spread it out.
We wanna diffuse the anger, diffuse the argument,
diffuse the conflict so that instead of it being
attacking one another, you diffuse it to the
point where both of you get God's perspective
and you resolve it God's way. So here's what
I want you to do. Some of you, this will be very
easy, all right? Some of you, maybe you've had
a good last couple, three weeks, try and remember,
I want you to bring to your mind the biggest
conflict in your marriage right now, okay? I
mean, let's not go through this like I'm going
to give you something to do for each of these
letters and you all go, oh boy, that was so good.
Wasn't that wonderful? If we ever have a fight
or a disagreement, this will be nice. No, no,
no, no, no, no. I want you to think of the biggest
conflict in your marriage right now. Maybe it's
where some money's being spent. Maybe it's in
the areas of intimacy in your life. Maybe it's
in terms of where you're going to locate. Maybe
it's an issue about how you discipline the kids.
I don't know what it is. unfulfilled longings,
frustrations, but I want you to think of this
is the biggest conflict in our marriage right
now. Now, what I want to do is walk through a
process to say, instead of attacking or withdrawing,
how in the world can we do this God's way? And
before I do, can I give you one quick, you know,
those word pictures we're talking about? I'm
going to give you a little word picture. that
will help you recognize how you tend to respond.
When you have conflict, you tend to respond either
as a turtle or as a shark, okay? Those are just
the normal ways that people respond. So sometimes
there's conflict and there's hurt and there's
an argument and there's something. Some people
are turtles. What do turtles do? They stick their
head back in the shell and then they pull their
little limbs in. Turtles will not speak to you
for hours or sometimes days at a time. That means
you have a problem in your relationship. Turtles
often face the other wall that we talked about
at bedtime, letting you know they don't really
want to talk to you or be around you. Turtles
withdraw affection. Turtles will not hug you
or kiss you in ways that make you feel like there's
a real person inside hugging you or kissing you.
You know, they give you the old, hmm. Or you
get the cold, silent shoulder. And by the way,
this is just kind of... We all learn from our
families and our personalities how to deal with
conflict. So this is like in your DNA. You've
been trained by this. Turtles avoid. If there's
conflict, let's not talk about that. They redirect,
let's do this. Oh, why don't we do something
else? Hey, maybe we should go on vacation. Let's
not talk about that right now. Whatever it takes
to avoid the conflict, to not face difficult
issues, that's what turtles do. Sometimes they
run to mother. Sometimes they run to pain. Sometimes
they run to alcohol or drugs or spending or pleasure
or buying things they can't afford. Now, by contrast,
sharks, when there's conflict, they start swimming
the water. Have you seen like on the Discovery
Channel? You know, right? You know, hey, there's
conflict. We're going to get it solved and we're
going to get it solved now. And their goal is
to win. And so sharks have different games. They
play the mind reading game. You only did that
when you're trying to be nice because you felt
guilty, didn't you? See, I can read your mind.
I'm the mini psychologist. Or, you know, when
you bring up something, a shark will say something.
Well, anyway, if you think my office is filthy,
look at yours. Or if you did this, you know,
they will do the switcheroo. So what they do
is they take any issue that's brought up, they
spin it real quickly and dagger right back at
you. If you're thinking to yourself, this guy
really is good on the shark side of it, there's
a reason. Sharks keep score. Sharks play in their
mind and comes out of their mouth. I'm trying
harder than you are. You know, if you try as
hard as me, then this marriage would be what
it's supposed to be. Sharks use logic to escape
emotional reality. When someone gives a shark
an I feel message. This is what I'm feeling and
I think we need to deal with this. They intellectualize
it and say, well, in light of your childhood
and the sociological issues that you were brought
up with and in light of sort of the DNA patterns
that I've noticed over the last 26 years of marriage,
I can see where someone with your pathology might
feel that way. Basically discounting the message.
Sharks use their intellect. to diffuse things
in their mind because the goal for sharks is
to win. Sharks, when it really gets bad, you
know, it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes,
it comes. Hey, you know what? I'll tell you what,
I'll just divorce you and you'll see how it's
the atom bomb attack, the big threat. Trying
to bring fear into the relationship to make the
other person submit and shut up and not face
it. Sharks humiliate their partners. Statements
come out. And you get this, even if they don't
say it, there's this kind of, how could you be
so stupid? I mean, how could you? Did your mom
not raise any smart kids? I mean, you know, that
is ludicrous. There's this air of sophistication
where they go up and they put you down. And by
the way, what does this do? Just closes down
everything, doesn't it? And what's it teach you?
It teaches you, if you're married to a shark,
you know, when I talked about bringing up conflict
and I feel messages and doing it gently, some
of you, the knots start in your stomach and you're
thinking, I've done that before and I've got
a wound here and a shark bite right here. And
some of you are married to turtles and you live
with constant frustration. It's like the guessing
game. Is something wrong? Is something wrong?
Is something wrong? I can kind of tell something's
wrong. I think something's wrong. I mean, the
fact we haven't talked in a week and a half,
Maybe, would you write me a note? I think something's
wrong. Now, let me ask you this question. Now,
not that any of you are full -blooded sharks
or big, big turtles, but if I had to make you
put yourself in the shark or the turtle category,
which are you? How do you respond to conflict?
What do you tend to do? And see, the reason I
want you to get that down is because when I'm
gonna walk through this major conflict, You need
to do it through the lens of realizing my natural
inclination is to attack. You attack, why? Because
you're insecure like me and you don't want the
other person to see your shame and your failure.
Or you're gonna withdraw. Why are you gonna withdraw?
Because you're insecure like me and everybody
else. And you don't wanna face difficult, hard
things that might come up. And all I'm saying
is, if there's any encouragement in Christ, You
know, if there's any consolation of love, if
there's any fellowship of the Spirit, be of the
same mind toward one another. Be of the same
purpose. Don't think only on your own interests,
but think also the interest of others. Let's
figure a way to not be a shark or a turtle and
get this on the table and deal with it. And I
hope right now you're saying, how? Okay, ready?
The D stands for? define the problem. And what
I mean by this, define it on your own. When a
conflict begins, the biggest mistake is verbalizing
and trying to define and solve it with the other
person. Because most of the time we're dealing
with symptoms. But you have a problem, we jump
in, and as soon as you get attacked, then the
turtle and the shark start showing up. And now
and then, a turtle, you know, if it's in, in,
in, in, in the shell, tell you what, when you
see a turtle that decides to have a shark day,
it's scary. They come out, you know, with a snapping
turtle because they can only take so much so
long. And so this is what you need to do on your
own. One of the reasons I keep a journal is I
have little things that bother me all the time,
not just about my marriage, but lots of things.
And what we tend to do is not process our feelings
and what's going on. And then we want to blame
shift, right? We learned it. Adam did it. Eve
did it. So we're the sons and daughters. So what
we find someone that we're gonna punish or blame
shift, even when we're not sure what's going
on inside. And who do you do that with? The people
you love the most that are safest. So you tend
to do that with your mate. And so my encouragement
is define the problem on your own. And so I write
down things like, what's bothering me? How do
I feel? When did this begin? And as one of the
great... Spurgeon said, he says, I pray my way
near and I write my way clear. When I don't know
what's going on inside and you're not sure, just
start writing. I feel, God, I don't understand.
There's anger going on in my heart right now
and I can't figure out exactly where it's coming
from. And pretty soon you write your way clear.
But what you want to do is define the problem.
Is the problem really the spending? Is that what
really is bothering you? Is the problem the argument
about the kids or is it philosophical? Is there
a different belief system? I mean, define the
problem on your own and get to where you can
separate the problem from the person because
as long as they're connected, every time you
talk about the problem and you have some emotion
behind it, what you're communicating is attack
on the person. And so you want to get that problem
and say, you know, what's really going on here?
And that'll take some time. And you pray and
you write and you think. Then second, once you
define the problem, you think, you know, I think
this is the issue. I think this is the problem.
And by the way, it's I think, because you don't
know for sure until you talk with your mate.
Second, then the I stands for initiate a time
to talk. Initiate a time to talk. And by the
way, I would say that you need to do that when
it's good for you. and when it's good for them.
When you're a shark, when you go away and define
the problem, what I do is I come home and say,
Teresa, I need to talk right now. She's in the
kitchen. She's doing this. She's doing that.
She's been up early. Maybe there was two kids.
She had other issues. I'm going to talk. I'm
going to talk right now. And it was just like,
you're nuts, Chip. You're nuts. I'm not ready
to talk. Initiate a time to talk. And it may
be something like, you know what? We had that
fighter argument. A couple days ago, I've been
away, I've been thinking, I've been praying.
When would be a good time in the next 24 to 48
hours to sit down and talk about this and then
write it down? The scripture says, the discerning
heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool
feeds on folly. The discerning heart seeks knowledge.
You wanna define that problem, figure out what's
going on. And then it's not like if the turtle
says, well, I'd like to talk about this in six
months. That's not one of the options, okay?
You know, tell me in the next 24 to 48 hours
or so, look at your calendar. Because remember
what Jesus said in Matthew 5, if you come there
before the father and are there offering your
offering and you realize your brother, in this
case, your mate has something against you, leave
your offering there, go to them. and make it
right. Because when you have unresolved issues
that don't get resolved, all that stuff starts
getting down in here. And I'll tell you, it'll
pop out in your speech, it'll pop out in your
sex life, it'll pop out in your behavior, and
pretty soon you'll have all these symptoms going
because the real issue doesn't get dealt with.
Define the problem, initiate a time to talk that's
good for both of you. Don't be pushy, but don't
procrastinate. And then the F stands for... Focus
on the perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs
18, 19 says, an offended brother is more unyielding
than a fortified city and disputes are like the
barred gates of a citadel. Now listen to that
again. An offended brother. Let me take a little
license here. An offended mate. is more unyielding
than a, think of a fortified city with all the
walls and all the ramparts. And disputes, arguments,
are like barred gates of the citadel. When we
wound our mate, walls start going up. And so
you need to focus on the perceived problem and
not the person. Every argument, every big conflict
always ends up one of two things, a win -win
or a lose -lose. Write that down. It's a win
-win or a lose -lose. If you win and your mate
loses, you're won organically before God. You've
just hated yourself. And it'll come back to bite
you. You never win by, oh, I won this battle.
Well, good for you. And you just lost the war.
Whatever has to happen, you need to do it in
a way. It's either going to be a win -win for
both of you. And so you focus on the problem
and not the person. You don't bring up their
parents. You don't bring up their past. You don't
bring up past stuff. This is the problem. This
is what I perceive it to be. It may not be the
right problem, but you say, that's what I'm going
to focus on. And so you avoid messages like you
should, you always, you ought. And instead, okay,
write in your notes here, write that I feel message.
I feel this when this happens. Therefore, My
perspective, I try and use that. I'm not as good
as I should be. My perspective is I think this
is the issue versus this is the issue. In other
words, I know. So D, define the problem. I, initiate
a time to talk. F, focus on the perceived problem.
And then the next F is for feel their pain as
though it were your own. Proverbs 17, 17 says,
a friend loves at all times and a brother is
born for adversity. Our first calling to our
mates, and this is hard. Our first calling. to
our mates is not what they give to us, but you
are, remember, you are an agent of grace. Think
of yourself as a pastor or a minister, okay?
And God has all these people in the world, and
you are the minister or the priest or the pastor
that he's gonna use more than any person in the
world, more than the greatest Bible teachers,
whoever they are, the greatest worship services,
the greatest music. The person he's going to
use to make your mate the most like Jesus is
you. And we have a high priest who's sympathetic
with our needs, right? Who in every way was tempted,
but he didn't sin. It's Hebrews 2 .18. And so
what that means is when I come before the throne
of grace and I'm struggling and I'm hurting and
I'm lonely and I'm depressed and I've messed
up and I feel condemned, I come to a priest who
feels my pain, who understands where I'm coming
from. I don't come to a God whose arms are crossed
and toe is tapping and has a long, long finger
like this going, boy, I was waiting for you to
come, Ingram. You know what? You have really
been messing up and I've been talking to Gabriel
and the angels about you and boy, I'll tell you
what, we're ready to, that's not who I meet.
I meet a coming to me all you that labor and
are heavy laden. I meet the father of the prodigal
who says, I understand you messed up. I died
for those mess ups. You have, my command is come
boldly where? To the throne of grace, unmerited
favor. To get what? Mercy in your time of need.
What's mercy? Mercy is God withholding what you
deserve for what you did bad. You're listening
to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll
be right back to finish today's message. But
first, if this new series from Chip has inspired
you, consider joining the Living on the Edge
team. In fact, let me encourage you to stick
around after the teaching to hear about a special
gift we have for those who become monthly partners.
You're not going to want to miss out. But until
then, here again is Chip. And so I wanna be a
priest to my wife and God wants her to be a priest
to me. And the only way to do that is, and this
is so hard for us men. I mean, I struggle with
this, to feel the pain of where they're at. And
you might jot in the corner word pictures. I
have been so hardheaded in areas and Teresa has
reminded me and she goes, you really don't get
it, do you? And I kept telling her, yeah, I do,
yeah, I do, yeah. Yeah, I do. Now she goes, you
really don't. And you know, as I've, you know,
I'm preparing all this stuff on marriage. Isn't
this great? You know? And so, you know what I
realized? I don't. I don't get it. The issue
we're talking about, because I intellectualized
and I logicked it and I put Bible verses to it.
And this is, I didn't feel. I didn't feel what
she was feeling. I didn't transpose myself for
a while and say, I wonder what it's like to be
her in this situation, in this stage of life,
and have these things coming at you. What would
that produce in your heart? I didn't do that.
And so I was working from the neck up. And so,
well, here, we need to do this. We ought to do
this. We need to do this. And I caused a lot
of pain and I messed up. Any of you other guys
ever do that? And you know, this isn't just a
male thing. I mean, there's a lot of men. It's
just harder for us. You have to pull out what
we feel because we don't know what we feel a
lot. What we're good at is not feeling. In fact,
even ask us a lot of questions. How many times
does your husband say, oh, I'm really feeling
vulnerable right now? Is that what you're getting
from your man? You know, when's the last time
you had a deep conversation? Your husband said,
you know, I'm feeling kind of alone and vulnerable.
And, you know, I just feel like, I want God to
hold me. I mean, that sounds like you're not
a real man. And the fact of the matter is, I'll
guarantee your husband feels lonely and like
he longs for God to hold him and longs that there's
someone who's big and powerful and strong and
accepting. Because you know what? He has all
the same struggles and all the fears you do.
But we've grown up in a world where real men
are macho men. And we haven't had a lot of models
to learn how to process. You know what? The God
that we serve is the God of Zephaniah 317. The
Lord your God is with you. He's mighty to save.
He will quiet you with his love. He will sing,
rejoice over you with singing. You know the heart
of a man when you feel alone and you feel all
this pressure and you don't know what to do,
to be able to come before God and realize he's
mighty to deliver. He will quiet you, not with
his power, with his love. that you're okay, that
he'll never leave you, that the thought of, you
know, God singing over you, rejoicing over you,
not because of what you did or what you didn't
do, that, you know what, life's okay because
you're loved by him. And the person who's going
to communicate that a lot is you. And your husband
needs it. You need to feel what the pressures
are that he feels. He's not some robot that just
gets up and makes stuff happen. He's got fearful
things inside of him. You know, if we could understand
that every woman at some point in time, there's
a lot of little girl in her, and every man, no
matter how big or powerful or wealthy, there's
a little boy in him too. And part of what we
need to do is learn how to love that person.
And that means you've got to not just define
the problem, initiate a time to focus on the
problem, not the person, but you need to feel
their pain as though it were your own. And by
the way, I just realized too, guys, you don't
have to understand it. It doesn't have to be
logical. It doesn't even have to make sense.
You know, I would go, well, that doesn't make
sense. So I would say stuff like this to Teresa.
Why are you feeling that way? That is, by the
way, a very dumb question. Why are you feeling?
Feelings are. They're the caboose in life, all
right? They're just the caboose in life. The
will is the engine. But the caboose is, you know,
that chooser is what. feelings come, feelings
go. I mean, it's everything from a bad experience
to a bad enchilada. Who knows why we feel all
the things we feel? And then after you feel,
then you uncover the root problem. Most conflicts,
by and large, are symptoms. Root problems not
dealt with will forever surface over and over
and over in the same kind of issues. Did you
notice in your notes, and I just gave you some
common symptoms. If you find you're arguing about
money all the time, probably the issue is not
money, okay? The problem in likelihood is you've
got different values, you've got different priorities,
or there's power and control issues in your relationship.
Why did you spend the money here? Well, you're
saying, well, our goals are here, but you spent
it there. Or our priority, we should have spent
it here instead of here. Or who has real control
in the relationship? Well, money. begins to reveal
those deep -seated issues. You need to get those
issues on the table and talk about them. Or the
second symptom here is sex. Often, not always,
but often it's communication. I don't feel love.
We're not communicating there. I don't feel close
to you. If I don't feel like we're connecting
intellectually and emotionally and we're talking
things through, then getting together physically,
you know, that's not doing it for me. Or maybe
it's an unmet emotional need. You know, you want
to be with me in a physical way, but I don't
feel like kind of, you know, that triangle again.
There is the spirit, the soul, and the body.
And when the soul and the spirit's not being
nurtured, you know what? That other person may
not feel like getting together physically is
such a wonderful, loving thing. Or for many,
you know, it's past baggage in history. Or for
many of us men, understanding. where our wives
have been. And I mean, this is delicate and sensitive,
but we better say it sometime, somewhere, right?
If you haven't had a good conversation in an
appropriate way, and maybe it's with a good counselor
to understand your mate's sexual history, if
they have real struggles in this area, you know
what? Don't live your whole life there. Go get
some help. I mean, when a woman has been abused,
or if a woman has been through, you know, major
rejection, there's multiple issues that impact
this area. And you know what? You can just keep
doing this forever and ever and ever and ever.
Get down to the root issue. Or if the arguments
are about in -laws, the roots are usually loyalty
or expectations. You know, where, I mean, how
many arguments have we all had about where are
you going to go to Christmas? And are the kids
coming here? Are you going to, we've done this
forever, right? Or, you know, how much money
do you spend for them? You know, your in -laws
and this. It's about, I spent a good portion
of the early years of my marriage communicating
wrongly to my wife unintentionally that my parents
were more important than her. And I didn't feel
it. I didn't get it until bang, I got it. And
I realized we were arguing about things because
my parents were treating her in a way that were
pitting me between them. And I was feeling like,
and she needed to know, hey, if there's ever
an issue, it's us against the world. And that
means times you have to say some hard things
to your parents or in -laws and say, hey, here's
some boundaries. And you know what? We're a team
and you can't treat me nice and her not nice.
But those arguments have to do with loyalty and
allegiance. And finally, if you argue a lot about
children and work, it's about roles and goals.
The root issue is what's our goal as a couple
and why are we spending so much time with the
kids or so much time at work? Or what's our roles?
You know, this is happening with the children.
My expectations are you handle this. Well, mine
were that you would handle this. Well, you can
keep arguing and arguing and arguing until you
get down to, so what should our roles be and
what are our goals? Okay, walk through it with
me. You ready? D stands for? Define the problem.
I stands for? Initiate a time to talk. F is focus
on the? Problem, not the person. The next F is
feel what's going on. The U is uncover the root
symptoms. And then the S is set things right
between you. It's a very, very simple one. Set
things right between you. Therefore, confess
your sins to one another that you may be healed.
Own your responsibility. Confess. And by the
way, don't do this in general ways. I was wrong.
and then fill in the specific. Not, I'm really
sorry for all that I did. There's something about
that. It's kind of like when you say at bedtime,
dear God, forgive me for all of my sins. You
know, there's something that doesn't feel real
cleansing about that, is it? Now, I mean, he
understands the unknown sins, but you know, when
he's pointed out this, this, this, this, he kind
of wants you to have that personal talk and say,
you know, Lord, I'm really sorry about this.
And you know, when you say to your mate, I'm
sorry for any way I've hurt you ever in our marriage
in the last 27 years. Hey. I feel better. How
about you? You know, it doesn't fly, does it?
It needs to be specific and from the heart and
contrite. And this is about, you know, setting
things right is owning your responsibility. And
then it's saying, I was wrong. And the next line
is, will you forgive me? And I think this is
important to look in their face. Will you forgive?
It's a request. And I think it's very important
that you don't just, oh yeah, it's okay. No,
it's not okay. You know, just as I've again been
doing this series, you know, God has brought
some things to mind where I have in the very,
you know, recent time had to realize, wow, I
was wrong. Will you please forgive me? And I
appreciate my wife as she looked me right now
and says, I forgive you for what you've done.
And then it's behind us. Do you realize how many
couples never have that little conversation with
those few words? I was wrong. Will you forgive
me? And then to hear from the other person, I
forgive you. You know what that does? That's
like going over to the big relational chalkboard
or whiteboard of your relationship and you erase
it. And you erase it. Does it mean that things
are never going to go up there again? No. But
for now, you erase it. And you're clean before
one another. And then when you forgive, you release.
And that means you can't use stuff to bring it
up in the past for the next round of conflict.
And that's a choice. The E is establish a specific
action plan that addresses the issues discussed.
And you write it down. If you think I'm really
big on writing stuff down, it's because if you
don't write stuff down, nothing really happens
and you don't have a track record and your view
and remembrance of the situation will be very
different than your mate's. Well, I thought we
said we were gonna, well, I thought you said
we're gonna do that. We're not gonna do that.
Did I really say that? You know, get a calendar
out and then get a piece of paper out. And then
this sounds maybe pedantic, but it's very helpful.
And as a husband, you say, I commit to blank
by blank. And it might be, hey, I'm not sure
what to do. I commit to think about this for
three days and come back with three suggestions
about how to deal with this. Or it might be,
you know, I commit to have a conference once
a week or forget that. I commit to do it this
Thursday and then next Thursday, we'll talk about
doing one next week. I commit to planning a weekend
away in the next three months. And so the husband
does that and the wife does that. And you see
what it does? It takes you from a problem that
gets... blown out of proportion, and you take
the pie of your relationship, and that problem
is a slice, and it's usually about 5%, maybe
3%. And instead of arguing and bickering and
hurting and wounding so that it goes to 10 and
15 and 20 and 30 and 40%, and pretty soon you're
saying, I got a terrible marriage. It really
stinks. I can't live with this person. You focus
on all that God has done, and then you diffuse
it, and you say, you know what? Let's define
this problem. Why don't we initiate a time to
talk? You know, I'm going to focus on the problem,
not the person. You know, I really want to feel
how you're really feeling. Let's get down below
what's really happening. You know what I see
in this problem? I need to own this. And now
let's establish a plan to make some progress.
And you're always going to have those slices,
right? You're going to have conflict. I mean,
running backs get tackled. That's just the way
it goes. It's a fallen world. You're going to
have conflict. But you know what? You can take
that little diffuse. And you can say, this is
how we're gonna work through it. And when you
do, I will tell you, God is gracious and kind
and loving. And his word to us, I believe, would
come out of James chapter one, as you listen
to what I've just said. Because this is where
the rubber meets the road, isn't it? James one,
verse 22 to 25 says, do not merely listen to
the word and so deceive yourselves, do what it
says. Anyone who listens to the word but doesn't
do what it says is like a man who looks at his
face in a mirror. After looking at himself, goes
away and immediately forgets what he looks like.
But the man who looks intently into the perfect
law that gives freedom and continues to do this,
not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it,
he will be blessed in all he does. You're listening
to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the
message you just heard, Conflict Resolution,
How to Fight Fair in Marriage, is from our series,
Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting the
attacks on your family. Chip will join us in
studio to share some insights from today's talk
in just a minute. many philosophers have likened
marriage to an exciting adventure which is true
so how can you and your spouse make the most
of your journey together for the last couple
of programs chip explained how clear communication
and resolving conflict can completely transform
your relationship So whether you're a newlywed
or have been together for decades, we pray CHIPS
Insights have motivated you and your mate to
practice these two skills. Let me encourage you
to go back and catch up on any part of this series
you may have missed by visiting livingontheedge
.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. Well,
Chip's back in studio with me now. And Chip,
you shared with me recently that an elder at
your church came to you looking for advice about
an issue that many in the congregation were struggling
with. In fact, it's an issue that countless across
the country are dealing with, too. Absolutely,
Dave. It wasn't something new, but it is something
heartbreaking. You know, he was talking to me
about, and he didn't share any names or anything.
He said, you would be shocked at the people that
are having marriage problems in our church. I
mean, it's a healthy church. It teaches God's
Word. And yet, in the midst of a healthy, healthy
church environment, little by little, lies have
undermined their marriages, and it's pulling
them apart. People facing the emptiness or having
a little struggle or getting pulled into porn
or something happened in their marriage. This
isn't about people out there. These are leaders
in the church. There's never been a greater need
for clear biblical guidance on the subject of
marriage. And not only guidance, but some tools
to help ordinary people. Learn to communicate.
Learn to resolve conflict. Then have some tools
to work at building a great marriage, whether
it's good and needs to get better or whether
it's in trouble. And you really need an anchor
to help your marriage become what you know God
wants it to become when you give financially
to Living on the Edge. And when you also pray,
you're a part of strengthening and healing marriages
and helping marriage partners become better parents
because great marriages are the key to kids who
walk with God. Would you pray about becoming
a financial partner with Living on the Edge?
We need your help. Marriages are in trouble.
Christian families are hurting. And we want to
make a difference. And we need your partnership
to do it. Thanks so much. Great challenge, Chip.
And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice.
Your regular support allows us to plan our next
steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through
doors that God opens for us. And as Chip said
during this entire series, if you become a monthly
financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll
send you our newest resource, the Marriage That
Works truth cards, as our thank you. Learn more
by going to livingontheedge .org or by calling
888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888 -333 -6003
or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners
tap donate. Well, here again is Chip to share
his application for his message. As we close
today's program, I want to give you a word picture.
I want to give you a picture. of the conflict
in your relationship as this harsh light. Have
you ever seen harsh light come through blinds
where when you look up, I mean, you know, it
blinds you or coming over a hill in the car at
a certain time of the day where the sun comes
and literally you can't even see the road? That's
what happens with conflict. And what we're talking
about, this acronym DIFFUSE, is how to put on
some spiritual sunglasses. Picture with me this
light coming in, but as you look... the way across
the room, how it gets diffused. That's what we're
talking about is the specific way to take that
conflict that ignites your heart and your passions
and your anger and your wounds and that resurrects
bitterness. And when you make up names for one
another and talk about family members from the
past and when you can talk about how they have
done something 11 years ago that you still haven't
let go of and on and on and on. I mean, resolving
conflict, what you realize is about the first
half of it, I need to go in a room by myself
and get things clear and right and let things
diffuse in me. And so get alone with God, write
things down, and then go with your mate calmly,
lovingly, empowered by the Spirit, diffuse the
conflict, express love, be forgiven, extend forgiveness,
and move ahead. Really practical advice for us
to follow, Chip. Thanks. Well, next time, Chip
continues our series, Uninvited Guests, by shifting
his focus from the marital relationship to helping
couples parent in a God -honoring way. So be
sure to join us for the next edition of Living
on the Edge. Until then, I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks
for listening.