WEBVTT 00:00:01.129 --> 00:00:04.509 In our last broadcast, I told you that communication 00:00:04.509 --> 00:00:08.310 is the highway on which love travels. And I gave 00:00:08.310 --> 00:00:11.750 you two key principles for improving, really 00:00:11.750 --> 00:00:14.550 developing your communication. Today, I want 00:00:14.550 --> 00:00:16.850 to give you the last three principles. You're 00:00:16.850 --> 00:00:19.370 not going to want to miss it. If you want your 00:00:19.370 --> 00:00:22.269 love to get through, you can learn to communicate 00:00:22.269 --> 00:00:27.949 better today. Thanks for listening to this edition 00:00:27.949 --> 00:00:31.260 of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are 00:00:31.260 --> 00:00:33.859 an international teaching and discipleship ministry 00:00:33.859 --> 00:00:36.740 that motivates Christians to live like Christians. 00:00:37.100 --> 00:00:39.200 Well, today Chip picks up where he left off in 00:00:39.200 --> 00:00:41.780 our series, Uninvited Guests, with the second 00:00:41.780 --> 00:00:43.740 half of his talk about healthy communication 00:00:43.740 --> 00:00:46.719 in marriage. He has a lot to share, so grab your 00:00:46.719 --> 00:00:50.079 Bible and go again to Ephesians chapter 4. Chip 00:00:50.079 --> 00:00:52.380 begins by continuing to walk through the principles 00:00:52.380 --> 00:00:54.719 that will revolutionize the way you and your 00:00:54.719 --> 00:00:59.890 spouse communicate. Let's dive in. Principle 00:00:59.890 --> 00:01:02.890 out of this is be diligent. Work hard on your 00:01:02.890 --> 00:01:06.569 relationships. Verse 28, if you used to be a 00:01:06.569 --> 00:01:09.650 thief, you must not only give up stealing, you 00:01:09.650 --> 00:01:12.170 must learn to make an honest living so that you 00:01:12.170 --> 00:01:15.090 may be able to give to those in need. And the 00:01:15.090 --> 00:01:18.310 idea here is be diligent. You know, he's talking 00:01:18.310 --> 00:01:20.530 about this transformation in relationships and 00:01:20.530 --> 00:01:22.170 he says, yeah, you used to be a thief. What's 00:01:22.170 --> 00:01:25.370 the idea of a thief? It's a shortcut. Stealing 00:01:25.370 --> 00:01:27.349 is no more than I want the product, I don't want 00:01:27.349 --> 00:01:29.870 the process. I mean, you work all week and then 00:01:29.870 --> 00:01:31.769 the guy comes up and puts the gun and says, you 00:01:31.769 --> 00:01:33.750 get your money out of the ATM and he takes it. 00:01:33.790 --> 00:01:35.670 You did all the work, he gets all the reward. 00:01:37.829 --> 00:01:40.590 That violates a biblical principle of communication 00:01:40.590 --> 00:01:43.870 and relationship. He says, be diligent, work 00:01:43.870 --> 00:01:47.269 hard. I came to realize I don't have the skill 00:01:47.269 --> 00:01:50.569 to relate. I have baggage. I have sin. She's 00:01:50.569 --> 00:01:53.049 a woman. I'm a man. We got different personalities. 00:01:53.250 --> 00:01:56.209 I realized I needed to sign up for the rest of 00:01:56.209 --> 00:01:58.629 my life and make my marriage my number one priority 00:01:58.629 --> 00:02:01.629 and work at it. And what we want is we want these 00:02:01.629 --> 00:02:05.010 ideal marriages that are wonderful, but we don't 00:02:05.010 --> 00:02:07.109 want to put the time in. I don't want to go through 00:02:07.109 --> 00:02:10.150 the process. Great marriages are like oak trees, 00:02:10.250 --> 00:02:13.830 not weeds. Take a lot of time and they're really 00:02:13.830 --> 00:02:17.990 great. But you got to really work. Next, it's 00:02:17.990 --> 00:02:21.009 be positive. Don't wound with your words. Verse 00:02:21.009 --> 00:02:26.169 29, let no more foul language, but good words 00:02:26.169 --> 00:02:29.849 instead. Words suitable for the occasion, which 00:02:29.849 --> 00:02:32.520 God can use to help other people. Never hurt 00:02:32.520 --> 00:02:34.520 the Holy Spirit. He is, remember, the personal 00:02:34.520 --> 00:02:37.460 pledge of your eventual full redemption. Let 00:02:37.460 --> 00:02:40.340 there be no more resentment, form of anger, no 00:02:40.340 --> 00:02:43.199 more slander, and no more malicious remarks. 00:02:43.800 --> 00:02:47.919 So we're to be positive. Don't wound with your 00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:51.919 words. See, you express it in a way that doesn't 00:02:51.919 --> 00:02:54.729 wound. In fact, one translation says, let no 00:02:54.729 --> 00:02:57.469 unwholesome word. And the word there for unwholesome 00:02:57.469 --> 00:03:00.789 word in Ephesians 4 .29, it's a picture of milk 00:03:00.789 --> 00:03:03.389 that's gone sour or fruit that has been completely 00:03:03.389 --> 00:03:05.750 decayed. Have you ever been on vacation and you 00:03:05.750 --> 00:03:06.889 left something in the refrigerator for like two 00:03:06.889 --> 00:03:08.969 or three weeks and you open it and then you open 00:03:08.969 --> 00:03:12.169 this thing, that smell, that stench? That's this 00:03:12.169 --> 00:03:16.160 word. Don't let any of those kind of words. Words 00:03:16.160 --> 00:03:18.740 that build up people are legal in your marriage. 00:03:19.759 --> 00:03:23.379 Sarcasm, picking, labeling, name -calling, talking 00:03:23.379 --> 00:03:28.020 about her parents, their parents, illegal. Now, 00:03:28.120 --> 00:03:30.379 you've got to discipline yourself, but they're 00:03:30.379 --> 00:03:33.180 illegal. By the way, too, you think, oh, I said 00:03:33.180 --> 00:03:35.979 I'm sorry. Guess who keeps remembering, right? 00:03:36.719 --> 00:03:38.300 I've got a second -grade teacher. I can still 00:03:38.300 --> 00:03:41.180 remember what she said to me, and I've been out 00:03:41.180 --> 00:03:43.219 of second grade for a long time. I've got a coach 00:03:43.219 --> 00:03:45.580 in ninth grade who said some things to me. I 00:03:45.580 --> 00:03:46.979 can still remember exactly what he said to me. 00:03:47.360 --> 00:03:50.759 Wounds with words are powerful. There's life 00:03:50.759 --> 00:03:54.139 and death in the power of words. Be very careful. 00:03:54.759 --> 00:03:56.520 Every one of my kids, here's a little skill, 00:03:56.659 --> 00:03:58.840 write down Ephesians 4 .29 and write the word 00:03:58.840 --> 00:04:02.400 memorize. Every one of my kids had to memorize 00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:04.879 that verse and when they said things to one another 00:04:04.879 --> 00:04:07.639 or to one of us that were put downs, you had 00:04:07.639 --> 00:04:10.750 to put money in a jar. And I'll tell you what, 00:04:10.789 --> 00:04:12.889 after a while, they just realized, they realized 00:04:12.889 --> 00:04:15.229 I'm going broke doing this. But I wanted them 00:04:15.229 --> 00:04:17.370 to learn there's a real thing. You're either 00:04:17.370 --> 00:04:19.629 putting money in a jar and building people up, 00:04:19.689 --> 00:04:21.370 or you're taking something out of the relationship. 00:04:21.990 --> 00:04:25.670 Be diligent, be positive, be forgiving. Be the 00:04:25.670 --> 00:04:30.209 first to say, I'm sorry. Verse 32 says, be kind 00:04:30.209 --> 00:04:32.649 to one another, be understanding, be as ready 00:04:32.649 --> 00:04:35.410 to forgive others as God, for Christ's sake, 00:04:35.410 --> 00:04:39.149 has forgiven you. And by the way, this is the 00:04:39.149 --> 00:04:42.709 key to breaking deadlock in your marriages. The 00:04:42.709 --> 00:04:46.829 word forgive literally means to release. Okay, 00:04:46.850 --> 00:04:50.689 you release. The reason we don't forgive is revenge. 00:04:52.889 --> 00:04:55.170 See, you gotta pay for this. You hurt me, you 00:04:55.170 --> 00:04:57.810 gotta pay for this. I can't forgive. I can't 00:04:57.810 --> 00:04:59.250 let it go. If I let it go, then you won't have 00:04:59.250 --> 00:05:01.009 to pay. No, what you'll get rid of is your ulcers. 00:05:03.459 --> 00:05:05.019 And you say, well, he doesn't deserve it. Do 00:05:05.019 --> 00:05:06.600 you understand what he did? Do you know what 00:05:06.600 --> 00:05:08.199 she did? Do you know what she said? Do you know 00:05:08.199 --> 00:05:09.759 how much money she spent after we talked about 00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:13.899 this? Do you know what? Yeah. You don't forgive 00:05:13.899 --> 00:05:17.120 them because they deserve it. But forgive one 00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:22.740 another just as God in Christ has forgiven you. 00:05:23.379 --> 00:05:28.439 I give it because I got it. And when Jesus says 00:05:28.439 --> 00:05:32.459 that we're to learn how to pray, I prayed this 00:05:32.459 --> 00:05:38.220 morning. Father, forgive me as I forgive those 00:05:38.220 --> 00:05:42.639 who've trespassed against me. And then I thought 00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:44.600 of two or three names of people that I felt like 00:05:44.600 --> 00:05:48.339 had trespassed against me in maybe the last six 00:05:48.339 --> 00:05:51.360 or eight months. And I said, I just want to remind 00:05:51.360 --> 00:05:54.220 you, Father, I want to release them. I want to 00:05:54.220 --> 00:05:57.259 pray that you bless them because I want you to 00:05:57.259 --> 00:06:01.279 forgive me. There's a little equation that goes 00:06:01.279 --> 00:06:07.110 on there, isn't it? And so you never can wipe 00:06:07.110 --> 00:06:10.850 the board clean and you can never start the healing 00:06:10.850 --> 00:06:13.949 process until you're willing to let go of the 00:06:13.949 --> 00:06:17.189 past hurts. And I know at times that mean that's 00:06:17.189 --> 00:06:22.670 an affair or that's a squandering of money. But 00:06:22.670 --> 00:06:26.620 God has forgiven you. And you need to turn them 00:06:26.620 --> 00:06:29.720 loose and release them and treat them in the 00:06:29.720 --> 00:06:31.639 way that God has forgiven you. And by the way, 00:06:31.660 --> 00:06:33.920 Matthew 5, there in the Sermon on the Mount, 00:06:33.980 --> 00:06:35.779 Jesus said, if you're coming to the altar, you 00:06:35.779 --> 00:06:37.879 know, to worship, and there, remember, your brother 00:06:37.879 --> 00:06:40.480 has something against you, he says, tell you 00:06:40.480 --> 00:06:42.180 what, you just leave your offering, your time 00:06:42.180 --> 00:06:45.660 with God, and go and find your brother and make 00:06:45.660 --> 00:06:49.589 it right. Be the first to say, I'm sorry. The 00:06:49.589 --> 00:06:52.129 way we usually play the game is, it's 90 % her 00:06:52.129 --> 00:06:53.689 fault. I'll tell you what, when she comes and 00:06:53.689 --> 00:06:55.170 apologizes, we'll get the same straightened out. 00:06:56.370 --> 00:06:58.470 Well, I didn't respond the right way. Yeah, that's 00:06:58.470 --> 00:07:01.069 10 % truth, of course. I mean, I'm an intelligent 00:07:01.069 --> 00:07:04.050 person, and 10 % of the problem is my 90 % hers. 00:07:04.129 --> 00:07:05.629 I'll tell you what, we haven't talked in three 00:07:05.629 --> 00:07:07.930 days, and I've slept on the couch, which isn't 00:07:07.930 --> 00:07:09.930 all that fun. She should be sleeping on the couch, 00:07:10.029 --> 00:07:14.269 but couldn't bring myself to that. You know what 00:07:14.269 --> 00:07:18.009 God teaches? the relationship matters more than 00:07:18.009 --> 00:07:20.930 who's right. And go into the bedroom and wake 00:07:20.930 --> 00:07:22.550 her up and say, you know something, honey, I 00:07:22.550 --> 00:07:24.990 want to apologize. And even if you only think 00:07:24.990 --> 00:07:30.350 it's 10%, own your part and say, I'm sorry. And 00:07:30.350 --> 00:07:32.250 isn't it an amazing thing when the other person, 00:07:32.370 --> 00:07:34.350 you know, reality, it might have been a 50 -50 00:07:34.350 --> 00:07:37.500 or a 60 -40 or a 70 -30. But isn't it an amazing 00:07:37.500 --> 00:07:39.339 thing when another person takes the initiative 00:07:39.339 --> 00:07:41.639 and owns their part, even if it was a wrong response, 00:07:41.939 --> 00:07:45.019 and ask forgiveness for that? See, what keeps 00:07:45.019 --> 00:07:48.860 us apart is pride. And God is against the proud. 00:07:49.100 --> 00:07:54.819 It's my rights. I can't let go. Just be the bigger 00:07:54.819 --> 00:07:58.339 person. Be the first to say, I'm sorry. And what 00:07:58.339 --> 00:08:01.500 you'll find, tremendous healing will occur in 00:08:01.500 --> 00:08:04.959 your relationship. Well, that... Those principles 00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:06.579 are pretty clear, aren't they? Just right out 00:08:06.579 --> 00:08:10.139 of scripture. Be honest, be diligent, be positive, 00:08:10.300 --> 00:08:14.860 be forgiving. I wanna give you three skills, 00:08:15.100 --> 00:08:18.439 okay? Three quick skills. One's a listening skill. 00:08:18.939 --> 00:08:21.959 One is a conflict resolution skill. And one is 00:08:21.959 --> 00:08:23.939 an increase your love quotient skill. All right, 00:08:23.980 --> 00:08:27.160 are you ready? Skill number one is what I call 00:08:27.160 --> 00:08:29.959 the conference. Tool for listening. And this 00:08:29.959 --> 00:08:31.899 is the way it works. It's very, very, very simple. 00:08:32.019 --> 00:08:33.440 And there's three questions and they're very 00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:36.519 easy. And I sit down. I remember the first time 00:08:36.519 --> 00:08:38.080 we had this. I got this from marriage counseling. 00:08:38.379 --> 00:08:42.179 Thank you, Dr. Dick Meyer. Okay. I wish Teresa 00:08:42.179 --> 00:08:43.620 was here because we'd have done this. Teresa, 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:54.159 what are you concerned about? Excuse me. Mm -hmm. 00:08:54.639 --> 00:08:57.990 Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. I ask, what are you concerned 00:08:57.990 --> 00:09:01.330 about? I don't interrupt. I don't talk. I don't 00:09:01.330 --> 00:09:04.190 solve a problem. I don't make a comment. I can 00:09:04.190 --> 00:09:07.929 verbally, mm -hmm, uh -huh, yeah. But you just 00:09:07.929 --> 00:09:11.830 listen. What are you concerned about? And then 00:09:11.830 --> 00:09:16.190 when I get done, she says, well, Chip, what are 00:09:16.190 --> 00:09:19.169 you concerned about? And she puts tape over her 00:09:19.169 --> 00:09:20.470 mouth. Well, you don't have to actually do the 00:09:20.470 --> 00:09:22.169 tape, but for some, you'll find it's far more 00:09:22.169 --> 00:09:25.090 effective. Because even though you're laughing, 00:09:25.230 --> 00:09:28.980 you'll interrupt. You will. So if, you know, 00:09:28.980 --> 00:09:30.980 this is legal in this little thing that you can 00:09:30.980 --> 00:09:32.940 say, excuse me, I think maybe you need this tape. 00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:36.559 All right. And so question one, what are you 00:09:36.559 --> 00:09:39.149 concerned about? You pour it out. And by the 00:09:39.149 --> 00:09:40.370 way, if you haven't done this in a long time, 00:09:40.429 --> 00:09:42.649 it might take 10, 12 minutes. But you're not 00:09:42.649 --> 00:09:44.330 asking questions. What are you concerned about? 00:09:44.629 --> 00:09:46.350 I'm concerned about our marriage not being where 00:09:46.350 --> 00:09:48.269 I need it to be. I'm concerned about our finances. 00:09:48.549 --> 00:09:50.830 I'm concerned about kind of what's happening 00:09:50.830 --> 00:09:53.129 around the world with all these wars. I'm concerned 00:09:53.129 --> 00:09:55.330 about our daughter. I do not like that guy she's 00:09:55.330 --> 00:09:57.210 dating. I'm concerned about, I'm concerned about, 00:09:57.269 --> 00:09:59.029 I'm concerned about. And then when it gets quiet, 00:09:59.149 --> 00:10:03.570 just wait. Anything else? And then you flip it. 00:10:03.990 --> 00:10:07.039 And then the next question is, What do you desire? 00:10:08.500 --> 00:10:11.080 What do you desire? So I sit down, and again, 00:10:11.159 --> 00:10:13.399 I don't interrupt. I get the old tape out. What 00:10:13.399 --> 00:10:19.039 do you desire, honey? Well, I desire for us to 00:10:19.039 --> 00:10:20.720 have a close -knit relationship like we used 00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:24.299 to. I desire for us to get a weekend away and 00:10:24.299 --> 00:10:26.750 really talk. I desire that you would help me 00:10:26.750 --> 00:10:28.909 with the kids with their homework because you 00:10:28.909 --> 00:10:30.490 know what? I don't understand math anymore and 00:10:30.490 --> 00:10:31.710 you're good in math, but you're never around. 00:10:31.990 --> 00:10:34.789 I desire, I desire, I desire, I desire, I desire. 00:10:34.870 --> 00:10:36.529 And it doesn't have to be super serious. I desire 00:10:36.529 --> 00:10:38.090 we'd win the lotto and we could give most of 00:10:38.090 --> 00:10:39.190 the money away, but we could have some real fun 00:10:39.190 --> 00:10:41.509 for ourselves. I desire, you know, just whatever 00:10:41.509 --> 00:10:45.330 desire you have, just get it out. So question, 00:10:45.549 --> 00:10:47.210 what are you concerned about? What do you desire? 00:10:47.710 --> 00:10:50.230 You don't interrupt one another. And then the 00:10:50.230 --> 00:10:52.809 last question, and here's the final rule, what 00:10:52.809 --> 00:10:55.570 are you willing to do? But there's one rule behind 00:10:55.570 --> 00:10:58.610 the rule. You don't have to do anything. Don't 00:10:58.610 --> 00:11:01.950 have to do anything at all. Otherwise, it turns 00:11:01.950 --> 00:11:04.429 into manipulation. So when I get done, I say 00:11:04.429 --> 00:11:09.970 to her, what are you willing to do? She can say, 00:11:10.070 --> 00:11:11.889 I'm willing to have another conference like this 00:11:11.889 --> 00:11:15.110 in a couple days. Or I'm willing to pray for 00:11:15.110 --> 00:11:17.970 you at a deeper level. Or in my case, I remember 00:11:17.970 --> 00:11:20.269 specifically, it's not hypothetical, I'm willing 00:11:20.269 --> 00:11:22.950 to take over all the math homework for all the 00:11:22.950 --> 00:11:25.820 kids. Now, here's what you need to understand. 00:11:26.419 --> 00:11:29.320 Most of us are in levels one, two, and three, 00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:33.740 right? Most all the time. In about 20 minutes, 00:11:33.879 --> 00:11:37.779 what occurs is you share all your burdens. That's 00:11:37.779 --> 00:11:40.000 your concerns. You know what burdens do to you? 00:11:40.399 --> 00:11:43.700 They weigh you down. And then you share your 00:11:43.700 --> 00:11:47.360 desires. That's kind of like, that's wind in 00:11:47.360 --> 00:11:50.639 your sails. And what you're really doing is you 00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:52.879 have a little time where you say, here's what's 00:11:52.879 --> 00:11:55.580 weighing me down, babe. here's what we put wind 00:11:55.580 --> 00:11:58.379 in my sails. I don't expect you to do anything, 00:11:58.500 --> 00:12:00.840 but now you know. If you'd like to put a little 00:12:00.840 --> 00:12:03.059 wind in my sails or if you'd like to lift off 00:12:03.059 --> 00:12:05.299 a burden, at least you're aware, but I don't 00:12:05.299 --> 00:12:07.860 expect you to do anything. I got to tell you, 00:12:07.879 --> 00:12:10.000 our first conference took about 25 minutes. I 00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:11.960 learned more about what was going on in my wife 00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:15.879 than hours and hours of talking about stuff because 00:12:15.879 --> 00:12:18.039 we usually talk about work and stuff and logistics. 00:12:19.789 --> 00:12:23.350 But just have a conference. We did that. We had 00:12:23.350 --> 00:12:25.450 two conferences a week probably for a decade 00:12:25.450 --> 00:12:28.350 as we were repairing and working on our marriage 00:12:28.350 --> 00:12:32.590 to be diligent. You're listening to Living on 00:12:32.590 --> 00:12:35.330 the Edge with Chip Ingram. And before he continues 00:12:35.330 --> 00:12:38.509 our new series, Uninvited Guests, I want to remind 00:12:38.509 --> 00:12:40.950 you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples 00:12:40.950 --> 00:12:43.730 and parents are only possible because of listeners 00:12:43.730 --> 00:12:46.799 like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep 00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:49.299 listening after today's message as Chip shares 00:12:49.299 --> 00:12:52.139 more of his heart for preserving the family and 00:12:52.139 --> 00:12:54.740 why now is a great time to partner with us in 00:12:54.740 --> 00:12:57.799 this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now, 00:12:57.820 --> 00:13:01.379 let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk. The 00:13:01.379 --> 00:13:04.379 second is what I call word pictures. And a lot 00:13:04.379 --> 00:13:06.039 of people have done lots of good work on this, 00:13:06.120 --> 00:13:09.139 but it's just a tool for understanding. Sometimes 00:13:09.139 --> 00:13:11.779 we can't get into one another's worlds and you 00:13:11.779 --> 00:13:15.360 can't get him to really get it. You say it, but 00:13:15.360 --> 00:13:17.759 he doesn't get it. Or you say, honey, this really 00:13:17.759 --> 00:13:19.419 matters. And no matter what you do, you can't 00:13:19.419 --> 00:13:22.460 consider a word picture. And a word picture is 00:13:22.460 --> 00:13:25.720 just something that comes out of their world 00:13:25.720 --> 00:13:27.960 instead of your world that you might be able 00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:30.860 to bridge so that light would come on. So they 00:13:30.860 --> 00:13:34.039 go, oh, I get it. So I won't go into all the 00:13:34.039 --> 00:13:37.299 details of. how bad I've been around the house. 00:13:37.419 --> 00:13:39.000 And this, I've actually made lots of progress, 00:13:39.059 --> 00:13:42.919 but this was years ago. And apparently our dishwasher, 00:13:42.980 --> 00:13:44.659 whenever it was on, the water would come under 00:13:44.659 --> 00:13:46.620 the bottom, but Teresa put towels under it. So 00:13:46.620 --> 00:13:49.399 I thought that was okay. And then our daughter's 00:13:49.399 --> 00:13:52.500 room, when it rained, the water would come in 00:13:52.500 --> 00:13:54.259 and it took more than a few towels, but I thought 00:13:54.259 --> 00:13:56.639 that's better than replacing a window. And apparently 00:13:56.639 --> 00:13:59.179 we had three or four appliances and... four or 00:13:59.179 --> 00:14:00.860 five other things like this all around the house 00:14:00.860 --> 00:14:03.620 that I didn't notice. Teresa, ask and ask and 00:14:03.620 --> 00:14:05.419 ask, and she's angry and she's pushing it down. 00:14:05.539 --> 00:14:07.320 And, you know, I can't figure out, I wonder why 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:09.559 my wife doesn't want to be more romantic. And 00:14:09.559 --> 00:14:12.659 so we go through this and she says, Chip, I really 00:14:12.659 --> 00:14:14.460 need to talk to you. And she learned to do it 00:14:14.460 --> 00:14:16.299 at the right time at the right place. But she 00:14:16.299 --> 00:14:19.139 told me this, I mean, for the first 15 years 00:14:19.139 --> 00:14:21.720 of our marriage, I couldn't hear it. And so I 00:14:21.720 --> 00:14:23.539 was near the fireplace. I still remember this. 00:14:23.580 --> 00:14:25.519 You ever have those moments where sort of a turning 00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:26.759 point in your marriage? I can remember right 00:14:26.759 --> 00:14:28.539 where I was at. And she goes, Chip, I really 00:14:28.539 --> 00:14:30.279 want to talk to you. I said, fine. She goes, 00:14:30.320 --> 00:14:32.539 no, no, you're going to get mad. You're really 00:14:32.539 --> 00:14:36.600 going to get mad. Surely you jest, dear. I won't 00:14:36.600 --> 00:14:38.259 get mad. Will you promise? Okay, I won't get 00:14:38.259 --> 00:14:39.659 mad. Well, then if you don't get mad, you're 00:14:39.659 --> 00:14:41.620 going to get really defensive. No, honey, I'm 00:14:41.620 --> 00:14:43.600 not going to be defensive. Would you just tell 00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:46.220 me? No, I'm really kind of afraid to tell you. 00:14:46.299 --> 00:14:49.340 And I said, okay. Look, will you just tell me 00:14:49.340 --> 00:14:50.759 right now and I promise I won't be mad, I won't 00:14:50.759 --> 00:14:53.580 be defensive. And so she said, okay. She said, 00:14:53.639 --> 00:14:55.399 Chip, you know, when we drive by the church and 00:14:55.399 --> 00:14:58.139 we were involved in a building program and developing 00:14:58.139 --> 00:15:00.220 a site over about a 10 or 12 year period. And 00:15:00.220 --> 00:15:03.259 you know, when you are driving by the church 00:15:03.259 --> 00:15:06.299 and the bushes are all messed up or when we walk 00:15:06.299 --> 00:15:08.679 out of a service, if songs or different things 00:15:08.679 --> 00:15:10.320 weren't done the way, you know, you have those 00:15:10.320 --> 00:15:12.840 quick debriefing meetings and you evaluate, here's 00:15:12.840 --> 00:15:14.299 what went well, here's what didn't, here's how 00:15:14.299 --> 00:15:16.820 we need to change it. Or remember last week when 00:15:16.820 --> 00:15:18.669 we were driving? on our date on Friday for coffee 00:15:18.669 --> 00:15:21.470 and you just saw just all this big pile of junk 00:15:21.470 --> 00:15:23.610 and you stopped and said, you know, can you take 00:15:23.610 --> 00:15:25.049 just a minute? And you walked into the office 00:15:25.049 --> 00:15:26.850 and you made a call to make sure that wouldn't 00:15:26.850 --> 00:15:29.429 be there. I said, well, yeah. I'm thinking she's 00:15:29.429 --> 00:15:31.610 thinking about what a great husband I am who 00:15:31.610 --> 00:15:35.090 notices these things at my work. She said, Chip, 00:15:35.169 --> 00:15:38.610 when you notice all those things at the church 00:15:38.610 --> 00:15:41.750 and you make sure everything is right and repaired 00:15:41.750 --> 00:15:46.090 because it's your world, I really admire you. 00:15:47.210 --> 00:15:49.830 But when you don't even see the things that need 00:15:49.830 --> 00:15:53.990 repaired in my world, it makes me feel like you 00:15:53.990 --> 00:15:57.090 don't care about me because our home in some 00:15:57.090 --> 00:16:01.409 ways is an extension of me. You know, this is 00:16:01.409 --> 00:16:05.429 like David getting it from Nathan, right? I mean, 00:16:05.470 --> 00:16:07.330 hey, she was telling me forever and ever and 00:16:07.330 --> 00:16:08.429 ever and ever and ever, you know, this needs 00:16:08.429 --> 00:16:09.730 fixed, that needs fixed, that needs fixed. I'm 00:16:09.730 --> 00:16:11.289 thinking 300 bucks, we don't have that, forget 00:16:11.289 --> 00:16:13.860 that, that, you know. I want to tell you probably 00:16:13.860 --> 00:16:15.740 in the next two and a half months, every single 00:16:15.740 --> 00:16:19.100 one of those things got fixed. Because she told 00:16:19.100 --> 00:16:22.179 me in a way that reached my heart in from my 00:16:22.179 --> 00:16:26.659 world. I just thought, oh, I get it. And you 00:16:26.659 --> 00:16:29.559 might have to be creative. And you're like Nathan 00:16:29.559 --> 00:16:31.279 made up that little story about, you know, the 00:16:31.279 --> 00:16:35.440 shepherd that had only the one little lamb. But 00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:38.940 if you can think of ways to say things that give 00:16:38.940 --> 00:16:41.960 a picture out of their world, often a light will 00:16:41.960 --> 00:16:44.629 come on. Final thing, and this is a little exercise 00:16:44.629 --> 00:16:47.029 that we're going to run with. I call it Care 00:16:47.029 --> 00:16:49.970 List, and it's a tool for building. And so what 00:16:49.970 --> 00:16:51.809 happens is, remember I talked about the pie? 00:16:52.250 --> 00:16:54.970 of life and how you can focus on the little sliver 00:16:54.970 --> 00:16:56.990 that's not so good and forget all the good things 00:16:56.990 --> 00:16:59.269 that you really have. And what you really need 00:16:59.269 --> 00:17:01.570 to do is build on the good things. And so those 00:17:01.570 --> 00:17:03.409 other things shrink. So you get enough kind of 00:17:03.409 --> 00:17:05.430 positive emotions in the bank to deal with them. 00:17:05.630 --> 00:17:09.130 A care list is list seven simple, loving, caring 00:17:09.130 --> 00:17:12.109 behaviors that are non -conflict producing and 00:17:12.109 --> 00:17:14.109 non -expensive that make you feel loved by your 00:17:14.109 --> 00:17:16.339 spouse. So I've done this with lots of groups 00:17:16.339 --> 00:17:18.180 and seminars and I get all of them in together. 00:17:18.299 --> 00:17:19.740 I say, okay, let's list them, get on a whiteboard. 00:17:19.880 --> 00:17:23.119 And they give me 10, 12, 15 things. I feel love 00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:26.140 when my wife and the top two are communicates 00:17:26.140 --> 00:17:27.940 confidence in me. Man, when my wife communicates 00:17:27.940 --> 00:17:30.279 confidence in me, I feel love. When she shows 00:17:30.279 --> 00:17:32.480 and initiates affection, man, I feel love. And 00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:35.200 we just make a list. And then my wife would get 00:17:35.200 --> 00:17:36.859 in the room with a bunch of ladies. So what makes 00:17:36.859 --> 00:17:38.700 you feel loved by your husband? And ladies would 00:17:38.700 --> 00:17:41.079 say, when he calls me from work, when he listens 00:17:41.079 --> 00:17:43.460 intently to me, when he really acts in an understanding 00:17:43.460 --> 00:17:47.819 way. So here's what I want you to do. I want 00:17:47.819 --> 00:17:50.380 you to take, just as we close, three, four minutes, 00:17:50.440 --> 00:17:54.180 and on the part that it says woman, if you're 00:17:54.180 --> 00:17:57.460 a woman, I'd like you to at least put, you know, 00:17:57.460 --> 00:17:59.519 three, four, two or three things that when your 00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:02.880 husband does them, notice they're caring behaviors, 00:18:03.160 --> 00:18:05.940 they're non -conflict producing. In other words, 00:18:05.960 --> 00:18:07.519 like if you've been arguing about a cruise for 00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:09.599 the last 15 years, don't put, I feel love when 00:18:09.599 --> 00:18:11.640 he takes me on a cruise. Don't do that, okay? 00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:17.630 So, you know, non -expensive, non -conflict producing, 00:18:17.890 --> 00:18:20.049 but you feel loved when he does these things. 00:18:20.170 --> 00:18:21.670 Will you just list three or four or five things? 00:18:22.450 --> 00:18:25.470 And then men, I want you to list three or four 00:18:25.470 --> 00:18:28.430 things that make you feel really loved. And then 00:18:28.430 --> 00:18:30.690 this is an amazing little thing, but what you 00:18:30.690 --> 00:18:33.470 do is, ladies, when we get done, you give yours 00:18:33.470 --> 00:18:36.910 to your husband. And men, you give yours to your 00:18:36.910 --> 00:18:39.490 wife. And they don't have to do any of them, 00:18:39.529 --> 00:18:42.450 but what I'm going to suggest is choose one of 00:18:42.450 --> 00:18:44.680 these and just do one each day. Wouldn't it be 00:18:44.680 --> 00:18:47.220 amazing to know that I can at least do one thing 00:18:47.220 --> 00:18:49.000 every day when I do it, my wife's gonna go, wow, 00:18:49.059 --> 00:18:52.079 he loves me. Wow, he loves me. And for some of 00:18:52.079 --> 00:18:56.660 you extra milers, do two a day, right? And what 00:18:56.660 --> 00:18:58.880 you're gonna be doing is you actually, rather 00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:00.960 than guessing, we spend so much of our energy 00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:02.680 thinking I did that and she didn't respond, he 00:19:02.680 --> 00:19:06.619 did that. Why not make a list and say, I really 00:19:06.619 --> 00:19:09.339 feel love when these things happen and then give 00:19:09.339 --> 00:19:11.440 it to the other person with ammunition to say, 00:19:11.539 --> 00:19:13.559 you are free to love me as much as you want. 00:19:15.160 --> 00:19:17.920 Christ loved so much he died for his church. 00:19:17.960 --> 00:19:20.680 Is it too much that we would tell one another 00:19:20.680 --> 00:19:25.200 clearly what makes us experience love from that 00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:29.539 person and then by a willful choice begin to 00:19:29.539 --> 00:19:32.660 do the things that communicate love? And what 00:19:32.660 --> 00:19:36.039 you'll find is that sliver that bothers you will 00:19:36.039 --> 00:19:38.279 just keep shrinking. Because what you're going 00:19:38.279 --> 00:19:40.559 to begin to do is you're going to create an atmosphere 00:19:40.559 --> 00:19:43.460 where the deeper, more painful vulnerabilities 00:19:43.460 --> 00:19:47.119 that you will get to later, it can happen in 00:19:47.119 --> 00:19:53.039 a healthy place where you feel more secure. You're 00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:55.640 listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:19:55.720 --> 00:19:58.140 And the message you just heard, how to share 00:19:58.140 --> 00:20:00.799 hearts instead of exchange words, is from our 00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:04.140 series, Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting 00:20:04.140 --> 00:20:07.019 the attacks on your family. Chip will join us 00:20:07.019 --> 00:20:09.220 in studio to share some insights from today's 00:20:09.220 --> 00:20:12.279 talk in just a minute. Many philosophers have 00:20:12.279 --> 00:20:15.180 likened marriage to an exciting adventure, which 00:20:15.180 --> 00:20:17.740 is true. So how can you and your spouse make 00:20:17.740 --> 00:20:20.319 the most of your journey together? For the next 00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:22.700 couple of programs, Chip will highlight two vital 00:20:22.700 --> 00:20:25.500 skills couples need to learn that will transform 00:20:25.500 --> 00:20:28.450 their relationship. When you learn to communicate 00:20:28.450 --> 00:20:30.990 more clearly and effectively resolve conflict, 00:20:31.289 --> 00:20:33.710 your connection to your mate will flourish and 00:20:33.710 --> 00:20:36.170 also serve as a powerful model for your kids 00:20:36.170 --> 00:20:39.210 to look up to. So whether you're a newlywed or 00:20:39.210 --> 00:20:41.789 have been together for decades, CHIPS Insights 00:20:41.789 --> 00:20:44.930 are sure to empower and encourage you. Well, 00:20:44.930 --> 00:20:47.089 Chip's back in studio with me now. And Chip, 00:20:47.130 --> 00:20:48.970 you've talked a lot in this series about the 00:20:48.970 --> 00:20:51.529 fun experience you had teaching a young marrieds 00:20:51.529 --> 00:20:53.750 class. Tell me, what's been your biggest takeaway 00:20:53.750 --> 00:20:56.750 as you talk to these husbands and wives? Well, 00:20:56.829 --> 00:21:01.049 Dave, you're right. My biggest aha. was an eagerness. 00:21:01.170 --> 00:21:03.650 It was like, are you really saying that marriage 00:21:03.650 --> 00:21:06.210 is just one man, one woman? Are you really saying 00:21:06.210 --> 00:21:08.910 that divorce is not an option? Are you really 00:21:08.910 --> 00:21:11.069 saying that the man can lead and cherish his 00:21:11.069 --> 00:21:13.650 wife and that a woman respects and even submits 00:21:13.650 --> 00:21:15.390 to her husband? Are you saying that God's word 00:21:15.390 --> 00:21:18.150 is the foundation of marriage? I taught all of 00:21:18.150 --> 00:21:21.490 that. And instead of pushback, I got all these 00:21:21.490 --> 00:21:24.150 young couples leaning in and going, my parents' 00:21:24.250 --> 00:21:26.549 marriage didn't work. My first marriage didn't 00:21:26.549 --> 00:21:30.359 work. The world is crazy. Thank you. And I think 00:21:30.359 --> 00:21:33.619 part of the series probably grew out of my excitement 00:21:33.619 --> 00:21:37.339 of realizing people aren't trying to do marriage 00:21:37.339 --> 00:21:41.019 God's way and failing. They don't know God's 00:21:41.019 --> 00:21:44.140 way of how to do marriage. This whole series 00:21:44.140 --> 00:21:47.359 is built around let's give people something short 00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:51.019 and helpful. to identify the lies that they believe, 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:54.240 the foundations that they can build on, and then 00:21:54.240 --> 00:21:57.339 a way to put it into practice that really builds 00:21:57.339 --> 00:22:00.079 strong marriages. And so we've created some brand 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:02.819 new resources. It's called the Marriage That 00:22:02.819 --> 00:22:06.319 Works Truth Cards. And during this series, for 00:22:06.319 --> 00:22:08.220 those who choose to become monthly partners, 00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:11.160 we want to give you Marriage That Works Truth 00:22:11.160 --> 00:22:14.559 Cards as a way to say thanks, pray about partnering 00:22:14.559 --> 00:22:17.650 with us, and then follow God's lead. Great challenge, 00:22:17.730 --> 00:22:19.970 Chip. And please know how much we appreciate 00:22:19.970 --> 00:22:23.029 your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us 00:22:23.029 --> 00:22:26.250 to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready 00:22:26.250 --> 00:22:28.910 to walk through doors that God opens for us. 00:22:29.170 --> 00:22:32.089 And as Chip said during this entire series, if 00:22:32.089 --> 00:22:34.630 you become a monthly financial partner of Living 00:22:34.630 --> 00:22:37.009 on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, 00:22:37.309 --> 00:22:40.130 The Marriage That Works Truth Cards, as our thank 00:22:40.130 --> 00:22:43.619 you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge .org 00:22:43.619 --> 00:22:49.440 or by calling 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888 00:22:49.440 --> 00:22:56.440 -333 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. App 00:22:56.440 --> 00:22:58.960 listeners, tap Donate. Here again is Chip to 00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:02.140 share a few final words. In today's broadcast, 00:23:02.579 --> 00:23:05.740 I covered a lot. I probably talked pretty quickly. 00:23:06.440 --> 00:23:08.980 I encourage you, go to the website, livingontheedge 00:23:08.980 --> 00:23:12.240 .org, and download the notes at a minimum. And 00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:14.960 the conference questions, the care list, all 00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:17.480 that is right there. And I got to tell you, I 00:23:17.480 --> 00:23:20.539 mean, I paid for 12 different sessions of marriage 00:23:20.539 --> 00:23:23.839 counseling while I was in seminary. This little 00:23:23.839 --> 00:23:26.700 tool, the conference, was worth all the money. 00:23:26.980 --> 00:23:30.279 Teresa and I were assigned twice a week to have 00:23:30.279 --> 00:23:33.220 a conference to ask these questions. What are 00:23:33.220 --> 00:23:35.960 you concerned about? What do you wish? What are 00:23:35.960 --> 00:23:37.960 you willing to do? And you need to listen to 00:23:37.960 --> 00:23:39.960 that over because I gave some rules and I'm not 00:23:39.960 --> 00:23:41.660 going to go over them again right now. There 00:23:41.660 --> 00:23:44.700 are some specific rules complete with duct tape 00:23:44.700 --> 00:23:47.059 that you need to put over your mouth because 00:23:47.059 --> 00:23:49.799 especially guys, you'll want to solve the problem. 00:23:49.980 --> 00:23:52.960 And ladies, you'll probably have a few comments 00:23:52.960 --> 00:23:56.259 you want to share. This will take your communication 00:23:56.259 --> 00:23:58.559 to the next level. It'll be very uncomfortable 00:23:58.559 --> 00:24:02.440 at first. Do it. And ladies, please don't get 00:24:02.440 --> 00:24:05.059 frustrated. This is really, really hard for guys 00:24:05.059 --> 00:24:08.859 to do. In the room, I had people stop. I made 00:24:08.859 --> 00:24:12.539 them do it. I shamed the men into doing it. But 00:24:12.539 --> 00:24:16.559 when they did it, the lights came on. But I will 00:24:16.559 --> 00:24:18.779 tell you, I saw body language of guys. They looked 00:24:18.779 --> 00:24:21.400 like they were being stabbed in the back. It's 00:24:21.400 --> 00:24:24.119 not that hard. but it really is uncomfortable. 00:24:24.460 --> 00:24:27.440 So ladies, be graceful. And guys, I'm telling 00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:29.640 you, if you want to make points, I mean, you 00:24:29.640 --> 00:24:33.319 want to get like to an A on the wife list, take 00:24:33.319 --> 00:24:35.480 these three questions and say, honey, I'd just 00:24:35.480 --> 00:24:38.140 like to try something. Write them down. You don't 00:24:38.140 --> 00:24:41.380 have to do it well. Have a conference. And what 00:24:41.380 --> 00:24:43.539 you'll find is without judgment, you're going 00:24:43.539 --> 00:24:46.099 to get some good stuff out on the table and begin 00:24:46.099 --> 00:24:50.380 on that highway of love. So go for it. Great 00:24:50.380 --> 00:24:52.619 challenge, Chip. Thanks for listening to this 00:24:52.619 --> 00:24:54.960 edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:24:55.039 --> 00:24:57.519 I'm Dave Drewy, and I hope you'll join us again 00:24:57.519 --> 00:24:58.140 next time.