In our last broadcast, I told you that communication
is the highway on which love travels. And I gave
you two key principles for improving, really
developing your communication. Today, I want
to give you the last three principles. You're
not going to want to miss it. If you want your
love to get through, you can learn to communicate
better today. Thanks for listening to this edition
of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are
an international teaching and discipleship ministry
that motivates Christians to live like Christians.
Well, today Chip picks up where he left off in
our series, Uninvited Guests, with the second
half of his talk about healthy communication
in marriage. He has a lot to share, so grab your
Bible and go again to Ephesians chapter 4. Chip
begins by continuing to walk through the principles
that will revolutionize the way you and your
spouse communicate. Let's dive in. Principle
out of this is be diligent. Work hard on your
relationships. Verse 28, if you used to be a
thief, you must not only give up stealing, you
must learn to make an honest living so that you
may be able to give to those in need. And the
idea here is be diligent. You know, he's talking
about this transformation in relationships and
he says, yeah, you used to be a thief. What's
the idea of a thief? It's a shortcut. Stealing
is no more than I want the product, I don't want
the process. I mean, you work all week and then
the guy comes up and puts the gun and says, you
get your money out of the ATM and he takes it.
You did all the work, he gets all the reward.
That violates a biblical principle of communication
and relationship. He says, be diligent, work
hard. I came to realize I don't have the skill
to relate. I have baggage. I have sin. She's
a woman. I'm a man. We got different personalities.
I realized I needed to sign up for the rest of
my life and make my marriage my number one priority
and work at it. And what we want is we want these
ideal marriages that are wonderful, but we don't
want to put the time in. I don't want to go through
the process. Great marriages are like oak trees,
not weeds. Take a lot of time and they're really
great. But you got to really work. Next, it's
be positive. Don't wound with your words. Verse
29, let no more foul language, but good words
instead. Words suitable for the occasion, which
God can use to help other people. Never hurt
the Holy Spirit. He is, remember, the personal
pledge of your eventual full redemption. Let
there be no more resentment, form of anger, no
more slander, and no more malicious remarks.
So we're to be positive. Don't wound with your
words. See, you express it in a way that doesn't
wound. In fact, one translation says, let no
unwholesome word. And the word there for unwholesome
word in Ephesians 4 .29, it's a picture of milk
that's gone sour or fruit that has been completely
decayed. Have you ever been on vacation and you
left something in the refrigerator for like two
or three weeks and you open it and then you open
this thing, that smell, that stench? That's this
word. Don't let any of those kind of words. Words
that build up people are legal in your marriage.
Sarcasm, picking, labeling, name -calling, talking
about her parents, their parents, illegal. Now,
you've got to discipline yourself, but they're
illegal. By the way, too, you think, oh, I said
I'm sorry. Guess who keeps remembering, right?
I've got a second -grade teacher. I can still
remember what she said to me, and I've been out
of second grade for a long time. I've got a coach
in ninth grade who said some things to me. I
can still remember exactly what he said to me.
Wounds with words are powerful. There's life
and death in the power of words. Be very careful.
Every one of my kids, here's a little skill,
write down Ephesians 4 .29 and write the word
memorize. Every one of my kids had to memorize
that verse and when they said things to one another
or to one of us that were put downs, you had
to put money in a jar. And I'll tell you what,
after a while, they just realized, they realized
I'm going broke doing this. But I wanted them
to learn there's a real thing. You're either
putting money in a jar and building people up,
or you're taking something out of the relationship.
Be diligent, be positive, be forgiving. Be the
first to say, I'm sorry. Verse 32 says, be kind
to one another, be understanding, be as ready
to forgive others as God, for Christ's sake,
has forgiven you. And by the way, this is the
key to breaking deadlock in your marriages. The
word forgive literally means to release. Okay,
you release. The reason we don't forgive is revenge.
See, you gotta pay for this. You hurt me, you
gotta pay for this. I can't forgive. I can't
let it go. If I let it go, then you won't have
to pay. No, what you'll get rid of is your ulcers.
And you say, well, he doesn't deserve it. Do
you understand what he did? Do you know what
she did? Do you know what she said? Do you know
how much money she spent after we talked about
this? Do you know what? Yeah. You don't forgive
them because they deserve it. But forgive one
another just as God in Christ has forgiven you.
I give it because I got it. And when Jesus says
that we're to learn how to pray, I prayed this
morning. Father, forgive me as I forgive those
who've trespassed against me. And then I thought
of two or three names of people that I felt like
had trespassed against me in maybe the last six
or eight months. And I said, I just want to remind
you, Father, I want to release them. I want to
pray that you bless them because I want you to
forgive me. There's a little equation that goes
on there, isn't it? And so you never can wipe
the board clean and you can never start the healing
process until you're willing to let go of the
past hurts. And I know at times that mean that's
an affair or that's a squandering of money. But
God has forgiven you. And you need to turn them
loose and release them and treat them in the
way that God has forgiven you. And by the way,
Matthew 5, there in the Sermon on the Mount,
Jesus said, if you're coming to the altar, you
know, to worship, and there, remember, your brother
has something against you, he says, tell you
what, you just leave your offering, your time
with God, and go and find your brother and make
it right. Be the first to say, I'm sorry. The
way we usually play the game is, it's 90 % her
fault. I'll tell you what, when she comes and
apologizes, we'll get the same straightened out.
Well, I didn't respond the right way. Yeah, that's
10 % truth, of course. I mean, I'm an intelligent
person, and 10 % of the problem is my 90 % hers.
I'll tell you what, we haven't talked in three
days, and I've slept on the couch, which isn't
all that fun. She should be sleeping on the couch,
but couldn't bring myself to that. You know what
God teaches? the relationship matters more than
who's right. And go into the bedroom and wake
her up and say, you know something, honey, I
want to apologize. And even if you only think
it's 10%, own your part and say, I'm sorry. And
isn't it an amazing thing when the other person,
you know, reality, it might have been a 50 -50
or a 60 -40 or a 70 -30. But isn't it an amazing
thing when another person takes the initiative
and owns their part, even if it was a wrong response,
and ask forgiveness for that? See, what keeps
us apart is pride. And God is against the proud.
It's my rights. I can't let go. Just be the bigger
person. Be the first to say, I'm sorry. And what
you'll find, tremendous healing will occur in
your relationship. Well, that... Those principles
are pretty clear, aren't they? Just right out
of scripture. Be honest, be diligent, be positive,
be forgiving. I wanna give you three skills,
okay? Three quick skills. One's a listening skill.
One is a conflict resolution skill. And one is
an increase your love quotient skill. All right,
are you ready? Skill number one is what I call
the conference. Tool for listening. And this
is the way it works. It's very, very, very simple.
And there's three questions and they're very
easy. And I sit down. I remember the first time
we had this. I got this from marriage counseling.
Thank you, Dr. Dick Meyer. Okay. I wish Teresa
was here because we'd have done this. Teresa,
what are you concerned about? Excuse me. Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. I ask, what are you concerned
about? I don't interrupt. I don't talk. I don't
solve a problem. I don't make a comment. I can
verbally, mm -hmm, uh -huh, yeah. But you just
listen. What are you concerned about? And then
when I get done, she says, well, Chip, what are
you concerned about? And she puts tape over her
mouth. Well, you don't have to actually do the
tape, but for some, you'll find it's far more
effective. Because even though you're laughing,
you'll interrupt. You will. So if, you know,
this is legal in this little thing that you can
say, excuse me, I think maybe you need this tape.
All right. And so question one, what are you
concerned about? You pour it out. And by the
way, if you haven't done this in a long time,
it might take 10, 12 minutes. But you're not
asking questions. What are you concerned about?
I'm concerned about our marriage not being where
I need it to be. I'm concerned about our finances.
I'm concerned about kind of what's happening
around the world with all these wars. I'm concerned
about our daughter. I do not like that guy she's
dating. I'm concerned about, I'm concerned about,
I'm concerned about. And then when it gets quiet,
just wait. Anything else? And then you flip it.
And then the next question is, What do you desire?
What do you desire? So I sit down, and again,
I don't interrupt. I get the old tape out. What
do you desire, honey? Well, I desire for us to
have a close -knit relationship like we used
to. I desire for us to get a weekend away and
really talk. I desire that you would help me
with the kids with their homework because you
know what? I don't understand math anymore and
you're good in math, but you're never around.
I desire, I desire, I desire, I desire, I desire.
And it doesn't have to be super serious. I desire
we'd win the lotto and we could give most of
the money away, but we could have some real fun
for ourselves. I desire, you know, just whatever
desire you have, just get it out. So question,
what are you concerned about? What do you desire?
You don't interrupt one another. And then the
last question, and here's the final rule, what
are you willing to do? But there's one rule behind
the rule. You don't have to do anything. Don't
have to do anything at all. Otherwise, it turns
into manipulation. So when I get done, I say
to her, what are you willing to do? She can say,
I'm willing to have another conference like this
in a couple days. Or I'm willing to pray for
you at a deeper level. Or in my case, I remember
specifically, it's not hypothetical, I'm willing
to take over all the math homework for all the
kids. Now, here's what you need to understand.
Most of us are in levels one, two, and three,
right? Most all the time. In about 20 minutes,
what occurs is you share all your burdens. That's
your concerns. You know what burdens do to you?
They weigh you down. And then you share your
desires. That's kind of like, that's wind in
your sails. And what you're really doing is you
have a little time where you say, here's what's
weighing me down, babe. here's what we put wind
in my sails. I don't expect you to do anything,
but now you know. If you'd like to put a little
wind in my sails or if you'd like to lift off
a burden, at least you're aware, but I don't
expect you to do anything. I got to tell you,
our first conference took about 25 minutes. I
learned more about what was going on in my wife
than hours and hours of talking about stuff because
we usually talk about work and stuff and logistics.
But just have a conference. We did that. We had
two conferences a week probably for a decade
as we were repairing and working on our marriage
to be diligent. You're listening to Living on
the Edge with Chip Ingram. And before he continues
our new series, Uninvited Guests, I want to remind
you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples
and parents are only possible because of listeners
like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep
listening after today's message as Chip shares
more of his heart for preserving the family and
why now is a great time to partner with us in
this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now,
let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk. The
second is what I call word pictures. And a lot
of people have done lots of good work on this,
but it's just a tool for understanding. Sometimes
we can't get into one another's worlds and you
can't get him to really get it. You say it, but
he doesn't get it. Or you say, honey, this really
matters. And no matter what you do, you can't
consider a word picture. And a word picture is
just something that comes out of their world
instead of your world that you might be able
to bridge so that light would come on. So they
go, oh, I get it. So I won't go into all the
details of. how bad I've been around the house.
And this, I've actually made lots of progress,
but this was years ago. And apparently our dishwasher,
whenever it was on, the water would come under
the bottom, but Teresa put towels under it. So
I thought that was okay. And then our daughter's
room, when it rained, the water would come in
and it took more than a few towels, but I thought
that's better than replacing a window. And apparently
we had three or four appliances and... four or
five other things like this all around the house
that I didn't notice. Teresa, ask and ask and
ask, and she's angry and she's pushing it down.
And, you know, I can't figure out, I wonder why
my wife doesn't want to be more romantic. And
so we go through this and she says, Chip, I really
need to talk to you. And she learned to do it
at the right time at the right place. But she
told me this, I mean, for the first 15 years
of our marriage, I couldn't hear it. And so I
was near the fireplace. I still remember this.
You ever have those moments where sort of a turning
point in your marriage? I can remember right
where I was at. And she goes, Chip, I really
want to talk to you. I said, fine. She goes,
no, no, you're going to get mad. You're really
going to get mad. Surely you jest, dear. I won't
get mad. Will you promise? Okay, I won't get
mad. Well, then if you don't get mad, you're
going to get really defensive. No, honey, I'm
not going to be defensive. Would you just tell
me? No, I'm really kind of afraid to tell you.
And I said, okay. Look, will you just tell me
right now and I promise I won't be mad, I won't
be defensive. And so she said, okay. She said,
Chip, you know, when we drive by the church and
we were involved in a building program and developing
a site over about a 10 or 12 year period. And
you know, when you are driving by the church
and the bushes are all messed up or when we walk
out of a service, if songs or different things
weren't done the way, you know, you have those
quick debriefing meetings and you evaluate, here's
what went well, here's what didn't, here's how
we need to change it. Or remember last week when
we were driving? on our date on Friday for coffee
and you just saw just all this big pile of junk
and you stopped and said, you know, can you take
just a minute? And you walked into the office
and you made a call to make sure that wouldn't
be there. I said, well, yeah. I'm thinking she's
thinking about what a great husband I am who
notices these things at my work. She said, Chip,
when you notice all those things at the church
and you make sure everything is right and repaired
because it's your world, I really admire you.
But when you don't even see the things that need
repaired in my world, it makes me feel like you
don't care about me because our home in some
ways is an extension of me. You know, this is
like David getting it from Nathan, right? I mean,
hey, she was telling me forever and ever and
ever and ever and ever, you know, this needs
fixed, that needs fixed, that needs fixed. I'm
thinking 300 bucks, we don't have that, forget
that, that, you know. I want to tell you probably
in the next two and a half months, every single
one of those things got fixed. Because she told
me in a way that reached my heart in from my
world. I just thought, oh, I get it. And you
might have to be creative. And you're like Nathan
made up that little story about, you know, the
shepherd that had only the one little lamb. But
if you can think of ways to say things that give
a picture out of their world, often a light will
come on. Final thing, and this is a little exercise
that we're going to run with. I call it Care
List, and it's a tool for building. And so what
happens is, remember I talked about the pie?
of life and how you can focus on the little sliver
that's not so good and forget all the good things
that you really have. And what you really need
to do is build on the good things. And so those
other things shrink. So you get enough kind of
positive emotions in the bank to deal with them.
A care list is list seven simple, loving, caring
behaviors that are non -conflict producing and
non -expensive that make you feel loved by your
spouse. So I've done this with lots of groups
and seminars and I get all of them in together.
I say, okay, let's list them, get on a whiteboard.
And they give me 10, 12, 15 things. I feel love
when my wife and the top two are communicates
confidence in me. Man, when my wife communicates
confidence in me, I feel love. When she shows
and initiates affection, man, I feel love. And
we just make a list. And then my wife would get
in the room with a bunch of ladies. So what makes
you feel loved by your husband? And ladies would
say, when he calls me from work, when he listens
intently to me, when he really acts in an understanding
way. So here's what I want you to do. I want
you to take, just as we close, three, four minutes,
and on the part that it says woman, if you're
a woman, I'd like you to at least put, you know,
three, four, two or three things that when your
husband does them, notice they're caring behaviors,
they're non -conflict producing. In other words,
like if you've been arguing about a cruise for
the last 15 years, don't put, I feel love when
he takes me on a cruise. Don't do that, okay?
So, you know, non -expensive, non -conflict producing,
but you feel loved when he does these things.
Will you just list three or four or five things?
And then men, I want you to list three or four
things that make you feel really loved. And then
this is an amazing little thing, but what you
do is, ladies, when we get done, you give yours
to your husband. And men, you give yours to your
wife. And they don't have to do any of them,
but what I'm going to suggest is choose one of
these and just do one each day. Wouldn't it be
amazing to know that I can at least do one thing
every day when I do it, my wife's gonna go, wow,
he loves me. Wow, he loves me. And for some of
you extra milers, do two a day, right? And what
you're gonna be doing is you actually, rather
than guessing, we spend so much of our energy
thinking I did that and she didn't respond, he
did that. Why not make a list and say, I really
feel love when these things happen and then give
it to the other person with ammunition to say,
you are free to love me as much as you want.
Christ loved so much he died for his church.
Is it too much that we would tell one another
clearly what makes us experience love from that
person and then by a willful choice begin to
do the things that communicate love? And what
you'll find is that sliver that bothers you will
just keep shrinking. Because what you're going
to begin to do is you're going to create an atmosphere
where the deeper, more painful vulnerabilities
that you will get to later, it can happen in
a healthy place where you feel more secure. You're
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
And the message you just heard, how to share
hearts instead of exchange words, is from our
series, Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting
the attacks on your family. Chip will join us
in studio to share some insights from today's
talk in just a minute. Many philosophers have
likened marriage to an exciting adventure, which
is true. So how can you and your spouse make
the most of your journey together? For the next
couple of programs, Chip will highlight two vital
skills couples need to learn that will transform
their relationship. When you learn to communicate
more clearly and effectively resolve conflict,
your connection to your mate will flourish and
also serve as a powerful model for your kids
to look up to. So whether you're a newlywed or
have been together for decades, CHIPS Insights
are sure to empower and encourage you. Well,
Chip's back in studio with me now. And Chip,
you've talked a lot in this series about the
fun experience you had teaching a young marrieds
class. Tell me, what's been your biggest takeaway
as you talk to these husbands and wives? Well,
Dave, you're right. My biggest aha. was an eagerness.
It was like, are you really saying that marriage
is just one man, one woman? Are you really saying
that divorce is not an option? Are you really
saying that the man can lead and cherish his
wife and that a woman respects and even submits
to her husband? Are you saying that God's word
is the foundation of marriage? I taught all of
that. And instead of pushback, I got all these
young couples leaning in and going, my parents'
marriage didn't work. My first marriage didn't
work. The world is crazy. Thank you. And I think
part of the series probably grew out of my excitement
of realizing people aren't trying to do marriage
God's way and failing. They don't know God's
way of how to do marriage. This whole series
is built around let's give people something short
and helpful. to identify the lies that they believe,
the foundations that they can build on, and then
a way to put it into practice that really builds
strong marriages. And so we've created some brand
new resources. It's called the Marriage That
Works Truth Cards. And during this series, for
those who choose to become monthly partners,
we want to give you Marriage That Works Truth
Cards as a way to say thanks, pray about partnering
with us, and then follow God's lead. Great challenge,
Chip. And please know how much we appreciate
your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us
to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready
to walk through doors that God opens for us.
And as Chip said during this entire series, if
you become a monthly financial partner of Living
on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource,
The Marriage That Works Truth Cards, as our thank
you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge .org
or by calling 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888
-333 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. App
listeners, tap Donate. Here again is Chip to
share a few final words. In today's broadcast,
I covered a lot. I probably talked pretty quickly.
I encourage you, go to the website, livingontheedge
.org, and download the notes at a minimum. And
the conference questions, the care list, all
that is right there. And I got to tell you, I
mean, I paid for 12 different sessions of marriage
counseling while I was in seminary. This little
tool, the conference, was worth all the money.
Teresa and I were assigned twice a week to have
a conference to ask these questions. What are
you concerned about? What do you wish? What are
you willing to do? And you need to listen to
that over because I gave some rules and I'm not
going to go over them again right now. There
are some specific rules complete with duct tape
that you need to put over your mouth because
especially guys, you'll want to solve the problem.
And ladies, you'll probably have a few comments
you want to share. This will take your communication
to the next level. It'll be very uncomfortable
at first. Do it. And ladies, please don't get
frustrated. This is really, really hard for guys
to do. In the room, I had people stop. I made
them do it. I shamed the men into doing it. But
when they did it, the lights came on. But I will
tell you, I saw body language of guys. They looked
like they were being stabbed in the back. It's
not that hard. but it really is uncomfortable.
So ladies, be graceful. And guys, I'm telling
you, if you want to make points, I mean, you
want to get like to an A on the wife list, take
these three questions and say, honey, I'd just
like to try something. Write them down. You don't
have to do it well. Have a conference. And what
you'll find is without judgment, you're going
to get some good stuff out on the table and begin
on that highway of love. So go for it. Great
challenge, Chip. Thanks for listening to this
edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
I'm Dave Drewy, and I hope you'll join us again
next time.