WEBVTT 00:00:01.159 --> 00:00:03.859 For the first two years of our marriage, Teresa 00:00:03.859 --> 00:00:07.940 and I argued and fought a lot. And then I learned 00:00:07.940 --> 00:00:11.519 five principles from Scripture that revolutionized 00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:14.359 how we dealt with those issues. If you want to 00:00:14.359 --> 00:00:16.699 learn how to improve the communication with your 00:00:16.699 --> 00:00:23.600 mate, stick around. Welcome to this edition of 00:00:23.600 --> 00:00:26.760 Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are an 00:00:26.760 --> 00:00:29.199 international teaching and discipleship ministry 00:00:29.199 --> 00:00:32.259 devoted to helping Christians worldwide live 00:00:32.259 --> 00:00:34.640 out their faith for the glory of God and the 00:00:34.640 --> 00:00:37.079 good of all. We're in the middle of our ongoing 00:00:37.079 --> 00:00:40.759 series, Uninvited Guests. Last time, he explained 00:00:40.759 --> 00:00:43.100 that great marriages practice three essential 00:00:43.100 --> 00:00:46.020 skills and highlighted the first one, which is 00:00:46.020 --> 00:00:48.960 forgiving your mate. Today, he's focusing on 00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:51.500 an area every couple can grow in, communication. 00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:54.859 We'll stick around to learn how to engage with 00:00:54.859 --> 00:00:58.140 your spouse in a sincere, heartfelt way while 00:00:58.140 --> 00:01:00.920 also listening to their wants, needs, and desires. 00:01:01.380 --> 00:01:04.159 So if you're ready, go to Ephesians chapter 4 00:01:04.159 --> 00:01:06.700 in your Bible and settle in for his talk, How 00:01:06.700 --> 00:01:11.459 to Share Hearts Instead of Exchange Words. Communication 00:01:11.459 --> 00:01:18.040 is the highway upon which love travels. Okay? 00:01:18.599 --> 00:01:24.409 Communication... is the highway upon which love 00:01:24.409 --> 00:01:28.310 travels. You can love one another. You can love 00:01:28.310 --> 00:01:31.370 God. You can be committed to one another. And 00:01:31.370 --> 00:01:35.189 if you can't get out inside of you what you really 00:01:35.189 --> 00:01:37.590 think and what you really feel, and if your mate 00:01:37.590 --> 00:01:40.349 can't do it in a way that doesn't attack and 00:01:40.349 --> 00:01:43.810 wound one another, I will tell you in years and 00:01:43.810 --> 00:01:45.709 years of marriage counseling, there are people 00:01:45.709 --> 00:01:48.750 that love one another, love God, and no longer 00:01:48.750 --> 00:01:51.799 are together. because they could not communicate 00:01:51.799 --> 00:01:55.700 and get to the heart of the issues. I told you 00:01:55.700 --> 00:01:58.340 earlier about that first couple years of my life 00:01:58.340 --> 00:02:00.760 and that professor sent us to marriage counseling 00:02:00.760 --> 00:02:04.019 and I bet 90 % of it was learning to communicate. 00:02:04.319 --> 00:02:06.480 We didn't know how to resolve anger and we didn't 00:02:06.480 --> 00:02:08.180 know how to communicate. Well, you know what? 00:02:08.199 --> 00:02:10.460 There's a lot of issues that if you can't get 00:02:10.460 --> 00:02:12.620 the love traveling on the highway of communication, 00:02:13.120 --> 00:02:16.810 you're dead. And the frustration boils over, 00:02:16.889 --> 00:02:19.009 especially if you really love God and you wanna 00:02:19.009 --> 00:02:21.449 get through and you want to express this to your 00:02:21.449 --> 00:02:23.650 mate, but you just keep getting knocked down. 00:02:23.770 --> 00:02:28.169 Pretty soon, the blame starts. The greatest, 00:02:28.229 --> 00:02:31.389 most vivid example, it's in your notes. It starts 00:02:31.389 --> 00:02:36.909 with, it all started with the car. It was early 00:02:36.909 --> 00:02:39.250 pastorate that I had in Texas many, many years 00:02:39.250 --> 00:02:42.250 ago, and I love to play basketball. If you've 00:02:42.250 --> 00:02:43.969 ever heard me speak, you know I'm a basketball 00:02:43.969 --> 00:02:46.550 junkie and had the privilege of playing in college 00:02:46.550 --> 00:02:48.849 and then around the world for a couple, three 00:02:48.849 --> 00:02:52.419 summers. And these neighbors had a hoop. And 00:02:52.419 --> 00:02:54.680 so I knew these are going to be my friends. I 00:02:54.680 --> 00:02:55.800 mean, you know, because I'm going to go play. 00:02:55.960 --> 00:02:58.080 And we started playing and he had three boys 00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:00.500 and I had boys. And one thing led to another. 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:03.379 And I found out that he was there. He'd been 00:03:03.379 --> 00:03:05.099 through a couple of very difficult relationships 00:03:05.099 --> 00:03:08.319 and he had four teenagers. And he was living 00:03:08.319 --> 00:03:10.860 with a gal who'd been through some really painful 00:03:10.860 --> 00:03:12.759 relationships and a couple, three marriages. 00:03:13.400 --> 00:03:15.599 And she had a tiny little girl and they were 00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:17.939 all living together. And so we went down and 00:03:17.939 --> 00:03:20.020 played basketball, six, seven, eight, nine months. 00:03:20.360 --> 00:03:22.620 And little by little got a chance to share Christ 00:03:22.620 --> 00:03:25.939 with them. And then he came down one day and 00:03:25.939 --> 00:03:28.599 I can still remember, you know, I was weeding 00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:32.259 next to my mailbox and Dan comes by. Why didn't 00:03:32.259 --> 00:03:34.139 you tell me? I said, what do you mean? Why didn't 00:03:34.139 --> 00:03:36.340 you tell me? I said, why didn't I tell you what? 00:03:36.699 --> 00:03:38.780 That you're one of those preacher types. You're 00:03:38.780 --> 00:03:41.580 a pastor. I said, well, yeah, I am. He said, 00:03:41.639 --> 00:03:43.919 well, we've been kind of watching you and Teresa 00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:46.879 and we've been listening and we want to get married. 00:03:46.939 --> 00:03:49.960 Will you marry us? And I'm thinking, oh boy. 00:03:51.759 --> 00:03:54.639 I said, well, I tell you what, one of the things 00:03:54.639 --> 00:03:57.280 I have is I always do six weeks minimum of counseling. 00:03:57.860 --> 00:04:00.159 And you really need to know what marriage is 00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:02.819 and it's kind of hard. And so I want to talk 00:04:02.819 --> 00:04:05.180 about. how that works. And I would love to meet 00:04:05.180 --> 00:04:06.599 with you and your wife and Teresa will do it 00:04:06.599 --> 00:04:08.800 too. Well, we did it by about the third session. 00:04:08.879 --> 00:04:11.599 They both came to Christ, amazing stories, great 00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:14.500 redemption, and went through the whole process. 00:04:15.199 --> 00:04:17.319 And then now we're into this new marriage, six 00:04:17.319 --> 00:04:19.339 or nine months. They're both brand new in Christ. 00:04:19.459 --> 00:04:21.759 They both love God. They're both in God's word. 00:04:22.060 --> 00:04:23.420 They're both going, I will say it was a good 00:04:23.420 --> 00:04:25.160 church. I got to be the pastor. It was a great 00:04:25.160 --> 00:04:29.639 group of people. And so I came by and he was 00:04:29.639 --> 00:04:32.040 in this traveling job where, you know, like Monday 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:34.199 through Thursday or even all the way to Friday, 00:04:34.240 --> 00:04:37.100 he'd be traveling all over America in sales and 00:04:37.100 --> 00:04:40.199 then come home. Well, she's with four teenagers 00:04:40.199 --> 00:04:42.410 that aren't hers, okay? And they're making her 00:04:42.410 --> 00:04:45.730 nuts. And so he comes home and he's thinking, 00:04:45.769 --> 00:04:47.569 oh, I haven't seen my wife. Let's go out to dinner. 00:04:47.670 --> 00:04:49.149 I'm gonna really love her. We're gonna have a 00:04:49.149 --> 00:04:51.009 date, all this stuff. And she's thinking, we 00:04:51.009 --> 00:04:53.189 gotta resolve conflict with Bob at school and 00:04:53.189 --> 00:04:55.810 your other son and your daughter. She's dating 00:04:55.810 --> 00:04:58.209 this guy and she's juggling all this stuff. And 00:04:58.209 --> 00:05:01.610 so anyway, they come home and she's listening 00:05:01.610 --> 00:05:03.149 and she's meeting with Teresa and he's meeting 00:05:03.149 --> 00:05:06.569 with me. So this is, listen, listen. They love 00:05:06.569 --> 00:05:08.410 each other, remember? They're committed to the 00:05:08.410 --> 00:05:10.370 Lord, remember? They're actually growing spiritually, 00:05:10.529 --> 00:05:13.079 remember? And so he comes home for the weekend, 00:05:13.100 --> 00:05:15.060 and she says, I want to be other -centered and 00:05:15.060 --> 00:05:16.759 grace -giving. So they go out to a beautiful 00:05:16.759 --> 00:05:19.839 dinner. They have a romantic evening. They take 00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:23.339 walks the next day. But she keeps waiting for, 00:05:23.480 --> 00:05:25.310 when are we going to have the big talk? I mean, 00:05:25.329 --> 00:05:26.709 when are you going to sit down and talk about, 00:05:26.829 --> 00:05:28.730 you know, am I going to discipline these kids 00:05:28.730 --> 00:05:30.709 and they're too big for me? And what about these 00:05:30.709 --> 00:05:32.910 issues? And we've got all kinds of things we 00:05:32.910 --> 00:05:34.449 need to do. Well, he wants to be other centered 00:05:34.449 --> 00:05:37.149 and it's getting cold in Texas. So it's Sunday 00:05:37.149 --> 00:05:38.870 afternoon and he's going to get on a plane about 00:05:38.870 --> 00:05:42.290 five or six hours. So he is out underneath the 00:05:42.290 --> 00:05:45.769 car, changing the oil of her car to make sure 00:05:45.769 --> 00:05:48.970 the antifreeze. So he's loving her. All right. 00:05:49.610 --> 00:05:53.379 You got the story. I walk down, I know we're 00:05:53.379 --> 00:05:56.300 not gonna get to play basketball and one of my 00:05:56.300 --> 00:05:58.100 kids runs out of the house and says, dad, you 00:05:58.100 --> 00:05:59.600 better watch out. It's going like crazy down 00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:01.860 there. I said, well, what do you mean? So I walk 00:06:01.860 --> 00:06:04.199 up and by the time I get there, I mean, it is 00:06:04.199 --> 00:06:07.399 a no holes barred. He's gonna half under the 00:06:07.399 --> 00:06:10.199 car sitting up like that. There is veins, eyes 00:06:10.199 --> 00:06:13.860 bulbing, plates have already been flowing. There 00:06:13.860 --> 00:06:16.379 is cursing. There is you are this, everything 00:06:16.379 --> 00:06:18.800 they've ever thought. I mean like. All, everything 00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:20.319 they brought into their marriage that was ugly, 00:06:20.399 --> 00:06:22.879 bad, they just spewed it on one another. And 00:06:22.879 --> 00:06:24.839 I mean, my kid ran out and said, what happened? 00:06:24.920 --> 00:06:27.079 Well, that plate almost hit me when it went by 00:06:27.079 --> 00:06:28.680 and crashed against the wall, you know? And I 00:06:28.680 --> 00:06:30.680 said, well, get home, you know? And so I watched 00:06:30.680 --> 00:06:34.920 all this happen. And she's there thinking what? 00:06:35.819 --> 00:06:38.319 Man, I'm loving these four adults. you know, 00:06:38.339 --> 00:06:41.019 teenage adults. And I've got all this stuff on 00:06:41.019 --> 00:06:42.379 my hands and you've been here two and a half 00:06:42.379 --> 00:06:44.259 days. We've had a decent talk and you're going 00:06:44.259 --> 00:06:45.920 to get on a plane. I'm stuck with all this. I 00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:47.759 don't know what we're going to do. And he's thinking, 00:06:47.819 --> 00:06:50.279 you know what? I have come home and I have wined 00:06:50.279 --> 00:06:52.480 and dined instead of getting a workout and doing 00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:54.759 some stuff I wanted to do. And I took these romantic 00:06:54.759 --> 00:06:56.519 walks and talks like Chip says we're supposed 00:06:56.519 --> 00:06:59.120 to do and all this jazz. And here I am out here 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:01.120 trying to get your car ready for you. So you're 00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:09.420 safe and you treat. And I will, I remember doing 00:07:09.420 --> 00:07:12.379 a debrief about a week later and hours with him, 00:07:12.540 --> 00:07:15.720 Teresa hours with her, bringing them both together. 00:07:15.939 --> 00:07:19.040 Here's what I can tell you. He did what he did 00:07:19.040 --> 00:07:23.540 all weekend for one reason. He loved her. She 00:07:23.540 --> 00:07:27.199 did what she did all weekend because she loved 00:07:27.199 --> 00:07:30.319 him. They both put the other person first in 00:07:30.319 --> 00:07:34.560 a way that they understood to obey God. And they 00:07:34.560 --> 00:07:39.480 had one of the biggest fights that put a barrier 00:07:39.480 --> 00:07:42.639 in their marriage that they never recovered from. 00:07:45.160 --> 00:07:47.339 See, we learned you need to love God and know 00:07:47.339 --> 00:07:49.980 His plan. They knew it. We said they're barriers. 00:07:50.060 --> 00:07:51.959 They identified they're barriers and they loved 00:07:51.959 --> 00:07:54.439 one another and they were operating to solve 00:07:54.439 --> 00:07:58.079 it. But what they couldn't do is they had not 00:07:58.079 --> 00:08:00.439 learned how on the highway of communication. 00:08:01.610 --> 00:08:04.430 to get the love that was in heart for his wife 00:08:04.430 --> 00:08:07.550 and her love for him on the highway of communication 00:08:07.550 --> 00:08:10.829 in a way that it could get received. And under 00:08:10.829 --> 00:08:13.769 pressure, they went back to the old ways. And 00:08:13.769 --> 00:08:15.930 you know, to this day, I know two people are 00:08:15.930 --> 00:08:18.670 no longer together who love one another, who 00:08:18.670 --> 00:08:21.230 both love God, because they didn't learn what 00:08:21.230 --> 00:08:23.990 we're going to learn right now. Let's talk about 00:08:23.990 --> 00:08:26.509 the communication process. We're going to learn 00:08:26.509 --> 00:08:29.910 what it is and how it works. Understanding the 00:08:29.910 --> 00:08:32.370 communication process, the definition is the 00:08:32.370 --> 00:08:34.669 meeting of meanings. Write the word meanings. 00:08:35.049 --> 00:08:38.590 Communication is not talking. It's when the meaning, 00:08:38.669 --> 00:08:40.549 what's in your heart, what do you really mean, 00:08:40.669 --> 00:08:44.370 somehow goes across this highway into the heart 00:08:44.370 --> 00:08:47.929 and to the mind of your mate. Norman Wright says, 00:08:48.009 --> 00:08:50.169 communication is the privilege of exchanging 00:08:50.169 --> 00:08:53.169 vulnerabilities. By the way, the word vulnerable, 00:08:53.289 --> 00:08:58.080 it means open to woundedness. See, great communication 00:08:58.080 --> 00:09:01.299 is always risky and often painful before it gets 00:09:01.299 --> 00:09:04.100 good. Norman Wright also says, communication 00:09:04.100 --> 00:09:07.120 is the process of sharing yourself verbally and 00:09:07.120 --> 00:09:09.940 non -verbally in such a way that the other person, 00:09:10.019 --> 00:09:13.679 listen, can both accept and understand what you're 00:09:13.679 --> 00:09:17.029 saying. So if you say it in a way where they 00:09:17.029 --> 00:09:19.450 can't accept it or they can't understand it, 00:09:19.470 --> 00:09:21.809 you don't communicate. You can say, I said the 00:09:21.809 --> 00:09:24.570 right words. I wrote it down. This is the way 00:09:24.570 --> 00:09:27.289 it is. If they can't hear it, you didn't communicate. 00:09:28.149 --> 00:09:31.149 And a lot of times we do things unintentionally, 00:09:31.149 --> 00:09:33.710 completely unintentionally, that shut down the 00:09:33.710 --> 00:09:36.529 communication process. Many of us think, especially 00:09:36.529 --> 00:09:38.870 us as men, we think communication, look, that's 00:09:38.870 --> 00:09:40.789 what I said. I said I love you, okay? Look, I 00:09:40.789 --> 00:09:43.029 love you. You don't get it? What's the deal? 00:09:43.929 --> 00:09:46.929 I love you. Hey, I said it once, I said it twice. 00:09:46.970 --> 00:09:51.610 I love you, okay? Get over it. Now, what did 00:09:51.610 --> 00:09:53.990 my words say? Someone could have put that in 00:09:53.990 --> 00:09:56.269 a transcript and said, oh my, Chip's such a wonderful 00:09:56.269 --> 00:09:58.889 husband. He just said six times in a row, I love 00:09:58.889 --> 00:10:01.850 you. Except that wasn't my tone of voice, was 00:10:01.850 --> 00:10:06.570 it? Notice on your notes, the complete message, 00:10:06.610 --> 00:10:12.570 words alone are about 7%. Tone of voice, 38%. 00:10:13.629 --> 00:10:17.490 Facial expression, gestures, posture, the nonverbal, 00:10:17.610 --> 00:10:22.789 55%. And by the way, that's sometimes, as men, 00:10:22.850 --> 00:10:25.950 we get really frustrated because we're really 00:10:25.950 --> 00:10:28.950 trying, but they can read behind. And some of 00:10:28.950 --> 00:10:32.230 you guys can do it too. It's kind of like, yeah, 00:10:32.990 --> 00:10:37.590 we need that deep talk. Yeah, go ahead, hon, 00:10:37.629 --> 00:10:40.129 whatever. I mean, tell me, I really want to hear. 00:10:43.370 --> 00:10:46.730 Communication, that's kids. Yeah, let's go. No, 00:10:46.809 --> 00:10:53.850 I'm listening, I'm listening. You see, your body, 00:10:53.909 --> 00:10:56.330 your presence, your face, your tone of voice, 00:10:56.490 --> 00:10:59.830 your eyes, all of that is how we communicate 00:10:59.830 --> 00:11:04.610 with one another. And if we think I said the 00:11:04.610 --> 00:11:07.129 right thing or I even meant the right thing, 00:11:07.210 --> 00:11:10.909 and if you think you got through, you may not 00:11:10.909 --> 00:11:14.750 have all. And I noticed it's a skill. It's the 00:11:14.750 --> 00:11:17.769 highway on which love travels. It is a skill. 00:11:17.830 --> 00:11:20.850 It can be learned. But most of us did not grow 00:11:20.850 --> 00:11:23.330 up with models where people communicated clearly 00:11:23.330 --> 00:11:26.169 and well. And most of us don't know how. I mean, 00:11:26.169 --> 00:11:29.289 I spent about $90. That was a student rate. I 00:11:29.289 --> 00:11:34.110 spent $90. I'm making $1 ,000 a month in seminary. 00:11:34.269 --> 00:11:37.049 And I've got three kids. I'm working full -time, 00:11:37.169 --> 00:11:39.840 going to school full -time. And I've got this 00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:41.559 little tiny apartment that you can live all that 00:11:41.559 --> 00:11:46.879 on 1 ,000. I paid $90 for 12 weeks in a row to 00:11:46.879 --> 00:11:48.960 learn how to communicate. So actually, I should 00:11:48.960 --> 00:11:52.220 be charging most of you for me telling you what 00:11:52.220 --> 00:11:54.580 these counselors taught me, all right? And then 00:11:54.580 --> 00:11:56.159 I have some passages that'll be helpful too. 00:11:56.580 --> 00:11:59.600 But it's a skill. There's five levels of communication 00:11:59.600 --> 00:12:02.480 according to author John Powell, who wrote the 00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:05.019 book, Why I'm Afraid to Tell You Who I Am. He 00:12:05.019 --> 00:12:07.960 says there's the cliche, level one, safe, shallow, 00:12:08.120 --> 00:12:10.860 you know. How are you? I'm fine. There's level 00:12:10.860 --> 00:12:13.840 two, reporting facts, refers to basically third 00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:15.059 person. Have you heard about the weather today? 00:12:15.159 --> 00:12:17.299 No, I think it's going to rain. There's level 00:12:17.299 --> 00:12:21.399 three, ideas or judgment. Risk begins here because 00:12:21.399 --> 00:12:23.480 there's attachment of yourself with the facts. 00:12:23.639 --> 00:12:26.019 So what did you think of that message last week 00:12:26.019 --> 00:12:29.200 in church? What do you think about the current 00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:31.620 political situation? What do you think about 00:12:31.620 --> 00:12:35.019 what we need to do with our money? Do you see? 00:12:35.419 --> 00:12:39.120 Now, what you say may cause a little conflict, 00:12:39.220 --> 00:12:40.460 so it's getting a little bit more dangerous. 00:12:41.059 --> 00:12:43.899 Level four is feelings and emotions, laying self 00:12:43.899 --> 00:12:48.860 on the line. I feel hurt. I'm struggling. I'm 00:12:48.860 --> 00:12:53.080 depressed. I was really offended last night when 00:12:53.080 --> 00:12:54.519 we were with that couple and you brought that 00:12:54.519 --> 00:12:56.720 subject up that, you know, you never talked with 00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:02.200 me about that. I felt really damaged. Level five 00:13:02.200 --> 00:13:05.919 is open communication, total honesty, mutual 00:13:05.919 --> 00:13:08.559 understanding, vulnerability, no holes barred. 00:13:09.019 --> 00:13:10.919 Now on the left side of your notes, at the very 00:13:10.919 --> 00:13:12.779 top where it says level one, I want you to write 00:13:12.779 --> 00:13:16.639 the word safe and put a box around it. And then 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:18.419 at the very bottom where it says level five, 00:13:18.559 --> 00:13:23.220 I want you to write the word dangerous. Because 00:13:23.220 --> 00:13:26.600 here's what you need to understand. Shallow communication 00:13:26.600 --> 00:13:29.360 is very safe, but it doesn't lead to intimacy. 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:36.059 Intimacy occurs at levels four and five. It moves 00:13:36.059 --> 00:13:39.720 from safe to dangerous, but deeply fulfilling 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:43.919 along with deeply painful conversations happen 00:13:43.919 --> 00:13:46.220 at levels four and especially at level five. 00:13:46.700 --> 00:13:49.340 And if you don't understand, then you'll start 00:13:49.340 --> 00:13:51.879 opening up and you'll start sharing. And then 00:13:51.879 --> 00:13:53.940 some hard things are going to come out and you're 00:13:53.940 --> 00:13:55.480 going to get wounded and you're going to get 00:13:55.480 --> 00:13:57.899 hurt. And instead of realizing, oh, this is normal. 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:00.740 This is like we're at level 4 .5. And I guess 00:14:00.740 --> 00:14:02.940 I need to be real sensitive to what the Spirit's 00:14:02.940 --> 00:14:05.279 saying so that before it comes out of my mouth, 00:14:05.320 --> 00:14:07.980 I really process it. And instead of striking 00:14:07.980 --> 00:14:10.779 back, maybe I really need to listen carefully. 00:14:10.879 --> 00:14:13.620 There may be a nugget of truth into this. See, 00:14:13.659 --> 00:14:15.679 if you don't know it's dangerous, then you'll 00:14:15.679 --> 00:14:19.169 react. right? And pretty soon you'll close down. 00:14:20.490 --> 00:14:23.470 And we want to talk about, so how in the world 00:14:23.470 --> 00:14:28.529 do you move from level one down progressively 00:14:28.529 --> 00:14:32.110 in different areas to level five? Intimacy always 00:14:32.110 --> 00:14:35.730 occurs at levels four and five. But some of you 00:14:35.730 --> 00:14:37.690 might be having this thought, well, wait a minute. 00:14:38.570 --> 00:14:40.730 You know, I've tried that before and you're right. 00:14:40.789 --> 00:14:43.850 There is a lot of pain. I was really open before. 00:14:44.500 --> 00:14:47.440 And we've done some of that. And you know what? 00:14:47.460 --> 00:14:48.840 If you're going to ask me to go there again, 00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:51.720 I'm not going to do it because it hurt too badly. 00:14:52.340 --> 00:14:54.700 I want to suggest is that you need some rules. 00:14:54.860 --> 00:14:58.639 You need some principles from God to build that 00:14:58.639 --> 00:15:01.519 highway of communication so you can go there 00:15:01.519 --> 00:15:05.379 without getting hurt. All right? This is Living 00:15:05.379 --> 00:15:07.740 on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And Chip will be 00:15:07.740 --> 00:15:10.080 back to finish today's message in just a minute. 00:15:10.460 --> 00:15:13.080 But let me first gently ask you, is your marriage 00:15:13.080 --> 00:15:15.759 in trouble right now? Do you and your mate need 00:15:15.759 --> 00:15:18.840 a practical biblical tool to revive and transform 00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:21.799 your relationship? Well, we've developed a brand 00:15:21.799 --> 00:15:24.899 new resource designed to do just that. So stick 00:15:24.899 --> 00:15:26.940 around after the teaching to hear about this 00:15:26.940 --> 00:15:30.200 practical way we are encouraging couples. Until 00:15:30.200 --> 00:15:32.460 then, here again is Chip to continue our series, 00:15:32.620 --> 00:15:36.620 Uninvited Guests. So with that, let me give you 00:15:36.620 --> 00:15:38.740 five principles I believe that will transform 00:15:38.740 --> 00:15:41.340 communication in your home. If you open your 00:15:41.340 --> 00:15:45.659 Bibles to Ephesians chapter four, the context 00:15:45.659 --> 00:15:48.740 is really exciting because the first three chapters 00:15:48.740 --> 00:15:50.700 are about all these wonderful, great things that 00:15:50.700 --> 00:15:52.440 God has done. You're a new person in Christ. 00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:54.960 And then chapter four opens up, now walk. in 00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:56.799 a manner worthy of your calling. In other words, 00:15:56.840 --> 00:16:00.059 how do you live out this new supernatural life? 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:02.720 The Spirit of God has taken up residence in you. 00:16:02.960 --> 00:16:04.840 You've been taken out of the kingdom of darkness. 00:16:04.899 --> 00:16:06.419 You've been pulled into the kingdom of light. 00:16:06.580 --> 00:16:09.220 Your sins are gone. You have peace. The Spirit 00:16:09.220 --> 00:16:11.460 lives in you. You're a part of a new family called 00:16:11.460 --> 00:16:13.399 the church. You are going to be transformed. 00:16:13.559 --> 00:16:16.129 He says, how does it work? And in the first 17 00:16:16.129 --> 00:16:18.809 verses, he begins to explain about who you are 00:16:18.809 --> 00:16:21.269 in Christ and how your mind needs to be transformed. 00:16:21.590 --> 00:16:24.049 And the supernatural thing called the church 00:16:24.049 --> 00:16:25.809 is called a community where he gives apostles 00:16:25.809 --> 00:16:28.230 and prophets and evangelists and teachers so 00:16:28.230 --> 00:16:30.090 that he equipped the saints to do the work in 00:16:30.090 --> 00:16:32.190 the ministry until everyone is mature. And the 00:16:32.190 --> 00:16:33.990 idea is where we, all the fullness, we become 00:16:33.990 --> 00:16:36.970 more and more like Jesus. And then after he lays 00:16:36.970 --> 00:16:39.649 all that out, he picks it up and he says, okay, 00:16:39.710 --> 00:16:43.399 now let me. target about five specific areas 00:16:43.399 --> 00:16:45.580 about how this practically works out in your 00:16:45.580 --> 00:16:48.159 relationships. How do you live out this new supernatural 00:16:48.159 --> 00:16:50.960 life, the spirit of God in you? You're born again. 00:16:51.240 --> 00:16:53.559 You're a Christian. How does it work in relationships? 00:16:53.840 --> 00:16:56.539 And he gives five very simple principles. Principle 00:16:56.539 --> 00:16:58.759 number one, you pick it up in verse 15, but he 00:16:58.759 --> 00:17:01.879 develops it in verse 25. And it's simply put, 00:17:02.039 --> 00:17:05.500 be honest. Write those two words down. Speak 00:17:05.500 --> 00:17:09.039 the truth in love. I mean, this is the key to 00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:12.039 communication. It is easy to speak the truth. 00:17:12.579 --> 00:17:16.680 It is easy to speak in love. It is very hard 00:17:16.680 --> 00:17:19.880 to speak the truth in love. I mean, you know, 00:17:19.940 --> 00:17:21.740 it's easy to speak the truth. You gained a lot 00:17:21.740 --> 00:17:25.660 of weight lately. What's the problem? Oh, nothing 00:17:25.660 --> 00:17:27.799 really. I think it's the lazy guy I'm married 00:17:27.799 --> 00:17:31.440 to. The truth is just right out there on the 00:17:31.440 --> 00:17:34.759 table. No problem here, right? But I'm not sure 00:17:34.759 --> 00:17:36.099 that's going to bring about good communication. 00:17:37.180 --> 00:17:40.180 Or you don't. ever mention areas that are of 00:17:40.180 --> 00:17:42.299 pain or a problem. Oh, you're wonderful. I'm 00:17:42.299 --> 00:17:43.859 wonderful. You're wonderful. I'm wonderful. No, 00:17:43.940 --> 00:17:45.759 you're more wonderful. No, no, no, no, no. You're 00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:47.480 wonderful, but I'm more wonderful. And you just 00:17:47.480 --> 00:17:49.079 take all that junk, you don't face it, and you 00:17:49.079 --> 00:17:51.880 push it down. Speaking the truth isn't hard. 00:17:52.740 --> 00:17:55.339 Speaking in love isn't hard. Speaking the truth 00:17:55.339 --> 00:17:59.079 in love requires tremendous spirit -directed 00:17:59.079 --> 00:18:01.720 capacity. Notice what he says in verse 15, but 00:18:01.720 --> 00:18:03.740 speaking the truth in love, notice what happens. 00:18:03.880 --> 00:18:06.460 We are to grow up into all aspects into him who 00:18:06.460 --> 00:18:10.039 is the head, even Christ. Finish then with lying 00:18:10.039 --> 00:18:11.940 and tell your neighbor the truth. Well, your 00:18:11.940 --> 00:18:15.640 mate is a neighbor. We are not separate units, 00:18:15.720 --> 00:18:18.779 but intimately related to one another in Christ. 00:18:19.940 --> 00:18:23.460 It means that we stop pretending. It means we 00:18:23.460 --> 00:18:27.180 don't lie. And it means that in a very calculated, 00:18:27.339 --> 00:18:30.559 wise, God -ordained way, we begin to move into 00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:34.039 levels four and five, and we start talking honestly 00:18:34.039 --> 00:18:37.559 about areas that are of conflict, areas that 00:18:37.559 --> 00:18:41.519 are hard, areas where you're dissatisfied, areas 00:18:41.519 --> 00:18:44.519 where you feel wounded. But you speak the truth 00:18:44.519 --> 00:18:47.559 in a way where the other person can hear it because 00:18:47.559 --> 00:18:51.319 it's couched in, I'm not down on you. This is 00:18:51.319 --> 00:18:54.130 not payback. And I'm gonna give you some specific 00:18:54.130 --> 00:18:56.930 skills toward the end about how to do this, okay? 00:18:57.430 --> 00:18:59.569 But what you gotta do, we've gotta be honest. 00:18:59.630 --> 00:19:02.269 You don't grow unless we're honest with one another. 00:19:03.190 --> 00:19:06.309 One of the little applications I would give you 00:19:06.309 --> 00:19:11.170 right in your notes, make direct requests. One 00:19:11.170 --> 00:19:13.369 of the things we do is we think our mates can 00:19:13.369 --> 00:19:17.769 read our minds. And so, you know, the car is 00:19:17.769 --> 00:19:22.369 a quarter low on empty. And your husband drives 00:19:22.369 --> 00:19:24.910 your car and it comes back all the way on empty. 00:19:25.430 --> 00:19:27.509 And you're frustrated and everything. And so 00:19:27.509 --> 00:19:29.349 what we go to is, you know, I can't believe he's 00:19:29.349 --> 00:19:30.869 so inconsiderate. Why does he leave my car that 00:19:30.869 --> 00:19:33.750 way? Well, you know, I'll get news for you. If 00:19:33.750 --> 00:19:35.609 he's anything like me, I don't know where my 00:19:35.609 --> 00:19:39.400 car is. Heaven knows I know what yours is. You 00:19:39.400 --> 00:19:42.059 know, often my wife grew up with a dad who was 00:19:42.059 --> 00:19:44.859 like Mr. Fix -It, you know, like Mr. Rogers on 00:19:44.859 --> 00:19:47.019 steroids, except, you know, Mr. Green Jeans was 00:19:47.019 --> 00:19:49.539 there. And he painted his house every three years, 00:19:49.599 --> 00:19:51.779 whether it needed or not. I didn't even notice 00:19:51.779 --> 00:19:55.000 when our house needed painted, okay? And so she's 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:57.619 thinking I'm gonna be like him. And so she's 00:19:57.619 --> 00:19:59.960 assuming, well, you know, why have you serviced 00:19:59.960 --> 00:20:04.400 the cars? They're not running? You know, or, 00:20:04.500 --> 00:20:06.440 you know, when are we going to repair this thing? 00:20:06.579 --> 00:20:08.140 It doesn't look broken to me. That's way too, 00:20:08.259 --> 00:20:11.220 I wasn't good or bad. I just, you know what my 00:20:11.220 --> 00:20:13.740 dad was good at? Catching baseballs, hitting 00:20:13.740 --> 00:20:17.839 baseballs, playing basketball. He was a golden 00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:19.640 glove boxer. You know what I learned? I learned 00:20:19.640 --> 00:20:22.160 how to do sports. I didn't, you know, when something 00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:26.180 broke, my dad's call the repairman. He couldn't 00:20:26.180 --> 00:20:27.940 do anything and he reproduced after himself. 00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:30.799 And you know what she learned? Here's a skill, 00:20:30.920 --> 00:20:33.559 make direct requests. You know what she started 00:20:33.559 --> 00:20:35.700 doing? Simple things like, Chip, are you going 00:20:35.700 --> 00:20:37.299 to use my car right now? Yeah, because I need 00:20:37.299 --> 00:20:39.559 it. It's got more room. Would you mind filling 00:20:39.559 --> 00:20:44.200 it with gas? No. In fact, I did it. It felt like 00:20:44.200 --> 00:20:46.500 a hero. Ooh, boy, look at this, you know? In 00:20:46.500 --> 00:20:48.299 fact, I started changing the oil. I mean, she 00:20:48.299 --> 00:20:50.720 thought I was metamorphosized right in front 00:20:50.720 --> 00:20:53.400 of her. Speak the truth in love. Those kind of 00:20:53.400 --> 00:20:56.380 issues like that sometimes go unspoken for 10, 00:20:56.519 --> 00:21:00.099 15, 20 years in marriages. Second, you didn't 00:21:00.099 --> 00:21:02.130 know this much was in the Bible, did you? Be 00:21:02.130 --> 00:21:05.990 angry. Deal with anger appropriately. Notice 00:21:05.990 --> 00:21:07.670 what it says. If you're angry, be sure that it's 00:21:07.670 --> 00:21:10.390 not out of wounded pride or a bad temper. Never 00:21:10.390 --> 00:21:12.970 go to bed angry. Don't give the devil that sort 00:21:12.970 --> 00:21:15.329 of foothold. That's a Phillips translation of 00:21:15.329 --> 00:21:18.769 Ephesians 4, 26 and 27. The literal translation 00:21:18.769 --> 00:21:21.369 is be angry. It's a command. It's an imperative. 00:21:21.630 --> 00:21:25.190 Yet, do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on 00:21:25.190 --> 00:21:28.529 your anger. Anger is the most destructive emotion 00:21:28.529 --> 00:21:33.740 in any marriage relationship. Anger is the distance 00:21:33.740 --> 00:21:35.940 between your expectations and your experience 00:21:35.940 --> 00:21:38.779 is anger. The difference between what you thought 00:21:38.779 --> 00:21:40.599 was gonna happen and what you're currently experiencing 00:21:40.599 --> 00:21:43.339 creates anger. Now, sometimes it's justified 00:21:43.339 --> 00:21:47.759 and sometimes it's not. It just, you know, they 00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:49.019 just tick you off a little bit and it's because 00:21:49.019 --> 00:21:52.940 you're selfish. But he says, be angry. If you 00:21:52.940 --> 00:21:55.099 don't deal with that anger and if you push it 00:21:55.099 --> 00:21:57.859 down, you know, some researchers say as much 00:21:57.859 --> 00:22:00.559 as 90 % of all depression is rooted in unresolved 00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:02.980 anger. Well, I can tell you it will cause your 00:22:02.980 --> 00:22:05.180 stomach to do this. But here's what's worse. 00:22:05.220 --> 00:22:07.599 What's this verse say? You know, we don't think 00:22:07.599 --> 00:22:10.720 about, you know, the spirit world and, you know, 00:22:10.740 --> 00:22:15.380 Jesus came to what? To give life. The enemy came 00:22:15.380 --> 00:22:20.799 to destroy and to steal and to kill. What's this 00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:23.019 verse say? Be angry, yet don't sin. Don't let 00:22:23.019 --> 00:22:26.519 the enemy get a foothold. You know, when you 00:22:26.519 --> 00:22:29.170 go to bed mad, When you have unresolved anger, 00:22:29.349 --> 00:22:32.230 when you push it down, you're inviting demonic 00:22:32.230 --> 00:22:36.170 spirits to begin to divide. And then you start 00:22:36.170 --> 00:22:38.890 playing in your mind and blame shifting. Man, 00:22:38.910 --> 00:22:40.990 I'll tell you what, it is a serious thing to 00:22:40.990 --> 00:22:45.269 be able to say, I feel angry. I don't know how 00:22:45.269 --> 00:22:47.750 we need to resolve it, but I feel angry about. 00:22:48.639 --> 00:22:50.859 One of the little tools, and I feel bad giving 00:22:50.859 --> 00:22:53.279 this away because I paid my $90 for 12 weeks, 00:22:53.380 --> 00:22:54.900 but I'm giving it to you free, so I want you 00:22:54.900 --> 00:22:57.599 to write this down. A skill here is what we call 00:22:57.599 --> 00:23:01.119 I feel messages. Our Christian counselor, on 00:23:01.119 --> 00:23:02.859 a three by five card, it was on our refrigerator 00:23:02.859 --> 00:23:09.779 for two years. I feel blank when you blank. Okay, 00:23:09.859 --> 00:23:12.079 you want me to go over that again slower? Okay, 00:23:12.220 --> 00:23:16.700 I feel blank, hurt. angry, frustrated, lonely, 00:23:16.980 --> 00:23:20.500 when you blank, don't come home on time, don't 00:23:20.500 --> 00:23:24.660 call, are not affectionate or responsive. I feel 00:23:24.660 --> 00:23:28.519 blank when you blank. See, what we tend to do 00:23:28.519 --> 00:23:31.259 is we use ought and should and never and always. 00:23:31.420 --> 00:23:33.660 You should never do that. You always do that. 00:23:33.900 --> 00:23:37.259 How do parents talk to children? Ought, should, 00:23:37.480 --> 00:23:41.160 never, always. When you hear that from your mate, 00:23:41.240 --> 00:23:45.559 those are fighting words. You tell a man, you 00:23:45.559 --> 00:23:47.380 never, you ought, you should. His manhood is 00:23:47.380 --> 00:23:49.720 challenged. You want, hey, you think that's it? 00:23:49.940 --> 00:23:51.940 And when you say that to a woman, it's like some, 00:23:52.039 --> 00:23:54.319 you're not my father talking down to me and making 00:23:54.319 --> 00:23:57.000 me feel small. Well, if you think she's withdrawing 00:23:57.000 --> 00:24:00.319 now, you keep talking like that. My wife and 00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:02.039 I bumped heads and we didn't know how to resolve 00:24:02.039 --> 00:24:04.940 anger. And that card was on here. And I had one 00:24:04.940 --> 00:24:09.240 thing that drove her crazy. She would make dinner 00:24:09.240 --> 00:24:11.509 and she is what we call a dot. communicator. 00:24:11.529 --> 00:24:14.450 I'm a dash communicator. Dot communicators mean 00:24:14.450 --> 00:24:16.089 when they say something, there's a period at 00:24:16.089 --> 00:24:18.490 the end of it. We're going to eat at 5 .30. Dot. 00:24:19.230 --> 00:24:22.609 It's concrete. I mean, not 5 .31, 5 .30. And 00:24:22.609 --> 00:24:25.569 when you come in at 20 till 6, I'm a dash. 5 00:24:25.569 --> 00:24:27.589 .30, you say, hey, let's meet at 5 .30. To me, 00:24:27.630 --> 00:24:31.130 that's 20 after 5, 20 to 6, depending on traffic, 00:24:31.329 --> 00:24:32.910 depending on whatever else is happening. I'm 00:24:32.910 --> 00:24:34.710 sure you understand. I understand. I'll give 00:24:34.710 --> 00:24:37.380 you grace. You give me grace. Okay, I'm a dash, 00:24:37.500 --> 00:24:39.240 I'm married to a dot. Yet another difference. 00:24:39.619 --> 00:24:43.180 So it's 5 .30, and I come in not at 22, and I 00:24:43.180 --> 00:24:45.079 don't call, and it's now six o 'clock, and I'm 00:24:45.079 --> 00:24:47.319 thinking, you don't understand. I'm working full 00:24:47.319 --> 00:24:50.380 -time. I'm going to school full -time. Like two 00:24:50.380 --> 00:24:52.980 afternoons, I can play pickup basketball. When 00:24:52.980 --> 00:24:54.920 you play pickup basketball, when you win, you 00:24:54.920 --> 00:25:01.099 stay on. Okay? Okay? I've won three games. I'm 00:25:01.099 --> 00:25:03.210 not going to leave when I'm still on. I mean, 00:25:03.210 --> 00:25:05.069 this is my one little fun. You know, I mean, 00:25:05.069 --> 00:25:07.609 I'm the skinny little white kid playing. I'm 00:25:07.609 --> 00:25:11.670 on. I'm gonna, I can't go home. And so I come 00:25:11.670 --> 00:25:14.390 home like 30, 40 minutes late and I've had a 00:25:14.390 --> 00:25:15.890 great time playing basketball. And then here 00:25:15.890 --> 00:25:18.829 we go again. You ought, you should, you never. 00:25:19.130 --> 00:25:21.210 Here's the cold supper. And then we fought about 00:25:21.210 --> 00:25:24.230 it. And then so we communicated as we did. She 00:25:24.230 --> 00:25:26.849 would shut down for two or three days and I would, 00:25:26.869 --> 00:25:29.390 you know, try and make it up to her. And then 00:25:29.390 --> 00:25:32.720 I kept doing the same thing. And I'll never forget, 00:25:32.839 --> 00:25:35.299 I came home typically late, and instead of she 00:25:35.299 --> 00:25:36.920 acting like my mother, and by the way, when your 00:25:36.920 --> 00:25:39.759 wife acts like your mother, just take her to 00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:41.299 the bank, honey. We were going, bam, you know, 00:25:41.319 --> 00:25:44.619 right? And so she didn't have her hands on her 00:25:44.619 --> 00:25:48.660 hips, and there was candles, and she goes, your 00:25:48.660 --> 00:25:50.519 food's in the oven. I'll get it for you if you 00:25:50.519 --> 00:25:55.680 want to sit down. Uh -oh. Do -do -do -do -do 00:25:55.680 --> 00:25:58.240 -do -do -do, you know, you know. I don't know 00:25:58.240 --> 00:25:59.500 what this counselor's teaching her, but it's 00:25:59.500 --> 00:26:01.259 getting scary. And so she brings it, and she 00:26:01.259 --> 00:26:03.220 sets it down. And she said, I want you to know 00:26:03.220 --> 00:26:06.400 the kids and I had a good meal. I said, oh. You 00:26:06.400 --> 00:26:08.299 know, I'm thinking, oh, gosh, I'm not sure how 00:26:08.299 --> 00:26:11.099 to handle this. And so I sat down, and I started 00:26:11.099 --> 00:26:15.079 to eat. And she just waited, calm, under control, 00:26:15.279 --> 00:26:18.339 clothed, in her right mind. And I had all my 00:26:18.339 --> 00:26:22.579 defenses up. And I'll never forget, she looked 00:26:22.579 --> 00:26:28.869 at me, and she said, Chip, I feel. like you don't 00:26:28.869 --> 00:26:32.529 love me when I spend all day cooking a meal to 00:26:32.529 --> 00:26:35.309 express my love to you and you don't show up 00:26:35.309 --> 00:26:43.269 and you don't call. It was like, get up and fight 00:26:43.269 --> 00:26:47.250 like a real man. You know, eyes watering up. 00:26:48.690 --> 00:26:52.029 I feel like, do you see where the attack has 00:26:52.029 --> 00:26:55.509 gone? It's an I feel message. And pretty soon 00:26:55.509 --> 00:26:58.480 it was I feel frustrated. I feel confused. I 00:26:58.480 --> 00:27:02.940 feel lonely. I feel left out. And you can learn 00:27:02.940 --> 00:27:06.019 to begin to express anger with this little message 00:27:06.019 --> 00:27:09.519 that doesn't attack the person. And then, you 00:27:09.519 --> 00:27:12.200 know, I don't know, something happened. I just 00:27:12.200 --> 00:27:13.859 thought, now, wait a second. I love to play ball, 00:27:13.960 --> 00:27:18.000 but I love my wife. If this makes her feel like 00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:20.759 I don't love her. Hey, guys, I got news for you. 00:27:20.779 --> 00:27:22.920 You know what? Get a brother over here and it's 00:27:22.920 --> 00:27:24.039 chain link fans. I said, you know what? This 00:27:24.039 --> 00:27:26.140 is your lucky day. I'm on and this is my team 00:27:26.140 --> 00:27:28.299 and you get my spot. I got to go. Okay, you can 00:27:28.299 --> 00:27:32.259 run. And I got home. I mean, it got to be, I 00:27:32.259 --> 00:27:35.799 rarely ever was not on time because as long as 00:27:35.799 --> 00:27:38.720 she was chiding me, as long as she was trying 00:27:38.720 --> 00:27:42.279 to get to change me, instead of opening her heart 00:27:42.279 --> 00:27:45.400 and telling me how she felt, then we were in 00:27:45.400 --> 00:27:48.420 a battle. When I realized I was wounding her. 00:27:48.970 --> 00:27:50.650 Well, I mean, I may not be sensitive, but I'm 00:27:50.650 --> 00:27:53.509 not a jerk. That is what, you know, isn't it 00:27:53.509 --> 00:27:55.529 the kindness of the Lord that brings us to repentance? 00:27:56.150 --> 00:27:58.990 It was her kindness that transformed me, not 00:27:58.990 --> 00:28:04.910 her nagging. This is Living on the Edge with 00:28:04.910 --> 00:28:07.069 Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to part 00:28:07.069 --> 00:28:09.650 one of Chip's message, How to Share Hearts Instead 00:28:09.650 --> 00:28:12.730 of Exchange Words, from our series, Uninvited 00:28:12.730 --> 00:28:15.910 Guests, Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks 00:28:15.910 --> 00:28:18.420 on Your Family. Chip will be back shortly to 00:28:18.420 --> 00:28:20.619 share some helpful application for us to think 00:28:20.619 --> 00:28:23.480 about. Many philosophers have likened marriage 00:28:23.480 --> 00:28:26.960 to an exciting adventure, which is true. So how 00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:28.900 can you and your spouse make the most of your 00:28:28.900 --> 00:28:31.559 journey together? For the next couple of programs, 00:28:31.799 --> 00:28:34.099 Chip will highlight two vital skills couples 00:28:34.099 --> 00:28:36.900 need to learn that will transform their relationship. 00:28:37.529 --> 00:28:39.910 When you learn to communicate more clearly and 00:28:39.910 --> 00:28:42.210 effectively resolve conflict, your connection 00:28:42.210 --> 00:28:45.109 to your mate will flourish and also serve as 00:28:45.109 --> 00:28:47.289 a powerful model for your kids to look up to. 00:28:47.569 --> 00:28:50.230 So whether you're a newlywed or have been together 00:28:50.230 --> 00:28:53.210 for decades, CHIPS Insights are sure to empower 00:28:53.210 --> 00:28:56.579 and encourage you. Chip's with me in studio now, 00:28:56.680 --> 00:28:59.279 and Chip, your mentor, Howard Hendricks, once 00:28:59.279 --> 00:29:01.779 said that the family is the cornerstone of society. 00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:04.579 So what are we doing as a ministry to address 00:29:04.579 --> 00:29:07.460 all the chaos and dysfunction surrounding families 00:29:07.460 --> 00:29:10.059 today? Well, Dave, really, the answer to that 00:29:10.059 --> 00:29:13.119 is pretty easy. When you see the discipleship 00:29:13.119 --> 00:29:16.740 deficit, it all begins with the family. And if 00:29:16.740 --> 00:29:18.559 families are going to be strong, that begins 00:29:18.559 --> 00:29:21.380 with a strong marriage of a husband and a wife 00:29:21.380 --> 00:29:24.019 who understand they're being bombarded each and 00:29:24.019 --> 00:29:26.240 every day with lies about what makes a great 00:29:26.240 --> 00:29:28.720 relationship. And so we've created some brand 00:29:28.720 --> 00:29:31.660 new resources that aren't a big book you have 00:29:31.660 --> 00:29:34.700 to read or a seminar you need to go to, but something 00:29:34.700 --> 00:29:37.680 to put on your nightstand that day by day, it 00:29:37.680 --> 00:29:39.740 could really transform your thinking and as a 00:29:39.740 --> 00:29:42.940 result, your marriage. We're calling them Marriage 00:29:42.940 --> 00:29:46.000 That Works Truth Cards. And during this series, 00:29:46.200 --> 00:29:49.579 we're doing something really radical. For those 00:29:49.579 --> 00:29:52.140 who choose to become monthly partners, we want 00:29:52.140 --> 00:29:54.960 to give you Marriage That Works Truth Cards as 00:29:54.960 --> 00:29:58.460 a way to say thanks. So today, would you consider 00:29:58.460 --> 00:30:01.339 being a financial partner to help us to repair 00:30:01.339 --> 00:30:04.259 and to strengthen marriages? Great challenge, 00:30:04.359 --> 00:30:06.599 Chip. And please know how much we appreciate 00:30:06.599 --> 00:30:09.660 your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us 00:30:09.660 --> 00:30:12.880 to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready 00:30:12.880 --> 00:30:15.559 to walk through doors that God opens for us. 00:30:15.819 --> 00:30:18.720 And as Chip said during this entire series, if 00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:21.299 you become a monthly financial partner of Living 00:30:21.299 --> 00:30:23.619 on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, 00:30:23.940 --> 00:30:26.759 The Marriage That Works Truth Cards, as our thank 00:30:26.759 --> 00:30:30.279 you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge .org 00:30:30.279 --> 00:30:38.740 or by calling 888 - Again, that's 888 -333 -6003 00:30:38.740 --> 00:30:43.400 or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners, 00:30:43.500 --> 00:30:46.140 tap donate. With that, here again is Chip to 00:30:46.140 --> 00:30:49.859 share a few final words. Communication is the 00:30:49.859 --> 00:30:53.359 highway upon which love travels. And you've got 00:30:53.359 --> 00:30:56.339 to get this. I love Teresa with all my heart. 00:30:56.500 --> 00:30:59.519 She loved me with all her heart. And I mean, 00:30:59.539 --> 00:31:01.619 she made me nuts. I mean, I just thought she 00:31:01.619 --> 00:31:03.660 was so narrow. What's the big deal? I just want 00:31:03.660 --> 00:31:05.799 to play basketball. And she thought I was so 00:31:05.799 --> 00:31:08.779 inconsiderate. We didn't connect. We didn't know 00:31:08.779 --> 00:31:11.220 how to break through that barrier until we used 00:31:11.220 --> 00:31:14.599 that tool, that I feel message. And I mean, it 00:31:14.599 --> 00:31:16.319 was like a dagger in my heart when she said, 00:31:16.400 --> 00:31:20.160 I feel her. when you, and then she explained 00:31:20.160 --> 00:31:22.759 it. And so here's the application for you. I 00:31:22.759 --> 00:31:24.440 want you to write onto the three by five card, 00:31:24.599 --> 00:31:29.299 I feel blank when you dot, dot, dot. And then 00:31:29.299 --> 00:31:32.039 instead of nagging and oughts and shoulds and 00:31:32.039 --> 00:31:34.680 trying to power your mate and get him to understand, 00:31:35.019 --> 00:31:37.920 I want you to use an I feel message. You just 00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:39.920 can't let your heart get wounded. You can't get 00:31:39.920 --> 00:31:42.519 bitter. You can't feel like it's impossible. 00:31:42.839 --> 00:31:45.740 When you love one another, the problem's not 00:31:45.740 --> 00:31:48.750 the person. The problem is discovering how to 00:31:48.750 --> 00:31:51.150 communicate your love in a way where the other 00:31:51.150 --> 00:31:53.930 person can get it. And it can happen. Today, 00:31:54.130 --> 00:31:58.750 use one I feel message. God will honor it. Good 00:31:58.750 --> 00:32:01.150 word, Chip. Listen in next time as Chip picks 00:32:01.150 --> 00:32:04.390 up in our newest series, Uninvited Guests. Until 00:32:04.390 --> 00:32:06.849 then, this is Dave Drewy saying thanks for joining 00:32:06.849 --> 00:32:09.289 us for this edition of Living on the Edge.