WEBVTT 00:00:01.290 --> 00:00:04.009 What does it take to have a great marriage? Not 00:00:04.009 --> 00:00:06.950 just an okay one or one that's barely surviving, 00:00:07.129 --> 00:00:10.109 but a relationship that's life -giving and thriving. 00:00:10.550 --> 00:00:12.689 Well, today on Living on the Edge, our Bible 00:00:12.689 --> 00:00:15.189 teacher, Chip Ingram, boils down a lot of the 00:00:15.189 --> 00:00:17.809 advice he's received over the years and wisdom 00:00:17.809 --> 00:00:21.149 from Scripture to three simple practices. Hey, 00:00:21.170 --> 00:00:23.149 I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks for joining us today as 00:00:23.149 --> 00:00:26.589 we pick up in our series, Uninvited Guests, recognizing 00:00:26.589 --> 00:00:29.940 and resisting the attacks on your family. And 00:00:29.940 --> 00:00:31.879 before we get going, let me encourage you to 00:00:31.879 --> 00:00:34.399 download Chip's message notes. They're a great 00:00:34.399 --> 00:00:37.060 resource available for every program. They contain 00:00:37.060 --> 00:00:39.600 Chip's outline, all the scripture he references, 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:42.579 and more. Check them out under the broadcasts 00:00:42.579 --> 00:00:46.020 tab at livingontheedge .org. Tap listeners, tap 00:00:46.020 --> 00:00:48.700 fill in notes. Well, there's a lot of ground 00:00:48.700 --> 00:00:51.079 to cover today. So here's Chip with today's talk, 00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:54.060 three skills great marriages have in common. 00:00:55.219 --> 00:00:57.240 Thanks so much, Dave. You know, for the last 00:00:57.679 --> 00:01:00.679 two weeks, we talked about lies that we all believe. 00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:04.620 They're embedded in culture, in media, in life, 00:01:04.620 --> 00:01:07.319 in family of origin. Now, what I want to talk 00:01:07.319 --> 00:01:11.260 about this week is three skills that you must 00:01:11.260 --> 00:01:15.640 learn, develop, and practice regularly if you 00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:18.340 want to have a great family. And the key to having 00:01:18.340 --> 00:01:21.579 a great family, the foundation, it always begins 00:01:21.579 --> 00:01:25.480 with a deep intimate marriage. And let's just 00:01:25.480 --> 00:01:29.260 go on record to say that is hard. That is very, 00:01:29.299 --> 00:01:32.239 very challenging. And whether it's busyness or 00:01:32.239 --> 00:01:34.760 we wound one another or we don't understand each 00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:39.060 other, there are three vital skills that you 00:01:39.060 --> 00:01:41.959 must learn. Let me give you what they are. I'm 00:01:41.959 --> 00:01:44.519 going to cover one today. And I'm going to spend 00:01:44.519 --> 00:01:47.579 two broadcasts on the second one and two more 00:01:47.579 --> 00:01:50.939 on the last one. Because you can identify the 00:01:50.939 --> 00:01:54.359 lies and you can try as hard as you want. But 00:01:54.359 --> 00:01:57.099 without these skills, you will never make it. 00:01:57.299 --> 00:02:01.640 Skill number one is learning the skill of forgiving 00:02:01.640 --> 00:02:05.280 your mate. Skill number two is communication. 00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:08.819 I don't mean talking. I don't mean just sharing 00:02:08.819 --> 00:02:12.710 words. I mean... The entire process, the sharing 00:02:12.710 --> 00:02:16.189 of your heart, the actual transfer of what's 00:02:16.189 --> 00:02:19.610 on your mind and your heart and your intent actually 00:02:19.610 --> 00:02:22.090 gets into the mind and the heart of your mate. 00:02:22.229 --> 00:02:27.050 You actually connect. What you mean by what you're 00:02:27.050 --> 00:02:30.669 saying, both with your eyes, with your body language, 00:02:30.770 --> 00:02:32.710 with your tone of voice, and with your actual 00:02:32.710 --> 00:02:37.610 words, crosses this chasm, and your mate actually 00:02:37.610 --> 00:02:41.439 understands. This is what he's saying to me, 00:02:41.479 --> 00:02:44.979 or this is what she's saying to me. And that 00:02:44.979 --> 00:02:47.879 is a lifelong journey and a process, but you 00:02:47.879 --> 00:02:50.180 can learn it. We're going to give you some tools, 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:53.300 some super practical things to learn to communicate 00:02:53.300 --> 00:02:57.259 this week. The last one is resolving conflict. 00:02:57.919 --> 00:03:00.740 Maybe another way to say it is you have to learn 00:03:00.740 --> 00:03:03.719 to fight fair. We're going to have conflict about 00:03:03.719 --> 00:03:07.080 money, conflict about kids, conflict about sex, 00:03:07.300 --> 00:03:09.740 conflict about in -laws, conflict about schedules, 00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.520 conflict about roles, conflict about responsibilities, 00:03:12.979 --> 00:03:15.819 conflict about free time, right? We're going 00:03:15.819 --> 00:03:22.120 to have conflict. Most couples attack the other 00:03:22.120 --> 00:03:25.400 person instead of the problem because they don't 00:03:25.400 --> 00:03:28.780 have a clear plan and they don't know the skill 00:03:28.780 --> 00:03:32.400 of how to resolve conflict. And before I talk 00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:35.479 about skill number one of forgiveness, what I 00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:40.039 want some of you to hear is the most challenging, 00:03:40.280 --> 00:03:43.879 most frustrating time I've ever had in my marriage 00:03:43.879 --> 00:03:48.860 is when I recognized we needed to change. I recognized 00:03:48.860 --> 00:03:51.659 we wanted to have a good marriage. I recognized 00:03:51.659 --> 00:03:54.900 she was trying and I was trying. But no matter 00:03:54.900 --> 00:03:59.099 what I said or what I did, my best efforts actually 00:03:59.099 --> 00:04:03.039 made things worse. instead of better. I got so 00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:06.280 discouraged. I really came to the point, I wondered, 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:09.979 can this marriage make it? And so I have been 00:04:09.979 --> 00:04:13.080 there. And I want you to know there's hope. This 00:04:13.080 --> 00:04:15.960 series is not about learning more truth about 00:04:15.960 --> 00:04:18.439 marriage or learning more about communication 00:04:18.439 --> 00:04:21.500 and nodding and trying a little something. This 00:04:21.500 --> 00:04:27.399 is about you saying, I'm going to do this. I 00:04:27.399 --> 00:04:31.199 am going to learn to communicate. I'm going to 00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:33.959 go into training. I now know the lies that I 00:04:33.959 --> 00:04:37.500 believe that over time, the enemy will use these. 00:04:37.660 --> 00:04:40.579 In my moments of weakness, my flesh will use 00:04:40.579 --> 00:04:43.519 these. And the world system is designed to use 00:04:43.519 --> 00:04:46.839 these lies to absolutely destroy my marriage. 00:04:47.079 --> 00:04:51.300 The God of the universe wants your relationship 00:04:51.300 --> 00:04:55.790 with your mate. to demonstrate the love of Jesus 00:04:55.790 --> 00:05:01.970 with his church? Perfect? No. Significant? Rich? 00:05:02.410 --> 00:05:06.310 Deep? Fulfilling? Ups and downs, of course. Hard 00:05:06.310 --> 00:05:10.569 seasons? Yes. But an intimacy, a oneness of mind 00:05:10.569 --> 00:05:14.410 and soul and body and spirit and emotions. It's 00:05:14.410 --> 00:05:17.269 not only possible, it's God's will. But we've 00:05:17.269 --> 00:05:21.250 so long believed so many lies, we get off track 00:05:21.250 --> 00:05:24.899 not even knowing. how we got off track. And secondly, 00:05:24.980 --> 00:05:27.740 if you don't have these skills of forgiving and 00:05:27.740 --> 00:05:30.980 communication and resolving conflict, you will 00:05:30.980 --> 00:05:34.199 not be able to get through the hard, rough times 00:05:34.199 --> 00:05:38.379 life will bring. So here we go. Let me spend 00:05:38.379 --> 00:05:41.860 my time with you today talking about forgiveness, 00:05:42.019 --> 00:05:45.540 what it is and what it's not. First, what it's 00:05:45.540 --> 00:05:48.579 not. It's not a magic bullet where you say two 00:05:48.579 --> 00:05:50.879 little words, I'm sorry, and then everything's 00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:55.439 okay. It's also not, I've forgiven them, so I 00:05:55.439 --> 00:05:58.060 guess all the hurt, all the pain, and all the 00:05:58.060 --> 00:06:00.579 struggles, and the same behavior I let happen 00:06:00.579 --> 00:06:03.199 over and over. I'm just a doormat, and I say, 00:06:03.240 --> 00:06:06.680 I forgive you, and I get the same response each 00:06:06.680 --> 00:06:08.660 and every time. No, that's not what forgiveness 00:06:08.660 --> 00:06:12.579 is either. I just say, I'm sorry, I own my part, 00:06:12.720 --> 00:06:15.560 but there's no next steps to deal with things. 00:06:15.740 --> 00:06:18.959 No, that's not forgiveness. Forgiveness has three 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:23.699 aspects. It's a decision. Number one, it's a 00:06:23.699 --> 00:06:28.180 process. Number two, and it actually is accomplished. 00:06:28.300 --> 00:06:32.060 Number three, the three key words about forgiveness 00:06:32.060 --> 00:06:37.459 is this, I forgive you. The word forgive literally 00:06:37.459 --> 00:06:40.259 in the New Testament has the idea of to release. 00:06:40.579 --> 00:06:44.860 In other words, behind not forgiving is this 00:06:44.860 --> 00:06:48.660 desire that we have to pay people back. And the 00:06:48.660 --> 00:06:51.879 Lord says, vengeance is mine. I will repay. We 00:06:51.879 --> 00:06:55.120 have to come first and foremost, if we're really 00:06:55.120 --> 00:06:58.259 going to forgive, is instead of looking horizontal, 00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:01.819 instead of contemplating the wound, the hurt, 00:07:01.879 --> 00:07:04.980 the betrayal, and I don't in any way diminish 00:07:04.980 --> 00:07:08.779 how painful and how wrong you may have been treated. 00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:13.000 There's times to just process and cry and take 00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:16.639 it to the Lord. That's real. But you can't want 00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:20.420 to hang on to I want to pay them back. I want 00:07:20.420 --> 00:07:24.360 to see them suffer. Someone has wisely said, 00:07:24.519 --> 00:07:28.160 to not forgive another person is like drinking 00:07:28.160 --> 00:07:32.180 poison and believing that it's killing them instead 00:07:32.180 --> 00:07:35.180 of killing you. And some of these are little 00:07:35.180 --> 00:07:39.180 things, right? But for many listening, it's been 00:07:39.180 --> 00:07:43.100 a betrayal. And there's some pain and hurt that 00:07:43.100 --> 00:07:47.319 if you bury, It comes up in passive -aggressive 00:07:47.319 --> 00:07:50.500 type behavior and joking and putting them down 00:07:50.500 --> 00:07:54.019 and doing things that little by little will just 00:07:54.019 --> 00:07:57.660 erode the intimacy and the connection and the 00:07:57.660 --> 00:08:00.980 real love that you long for. People choose not 00:08:00.980 --> 00:08:03.699 to forgive and almost do it unconsciously and 00:08:03.699 --> 00:08:05.680 just figure out how to live in these parallel 00:08:05.680 --> 00:08:10.899 lanes inside the same home. Try to forget everything 00:08:10.899 --> 00:08:13.620 for a while and maybe sex will make it better 00:08:13.620 --> 00:08:15.980 or let's go on a vacation and that will make 00:08:15.980 --> 00:08:18.300 it better or I'll buy something for them and 00:08:18.300 --> 00:08:20.680 that will make it better. But you never get to 00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:24.839 the core of really forgiving the other person. 00:08:25.339 --> 00:08:30.379 And so spiritually, Jesus taught, as we have 00:08:30.379 --> 00:08:35.059 freely been forgiven, so we must freely forgive. 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:40.860 We know that God is rich in mercy. We know that 00:08:40.860 --> 00:08:45.600 when Jesus hung upon the cross, the just judgment 00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:48.519 for my sin and your sin and the sin of all the 00:08:48.519 --> 00:08:52.139 world was placed on him. God so loved the world 00:08:52.139 --> 00:08:54.220 that he gave his one and only son that whoever 00:08:54.220 --> 00:08:57.740 would believe in him shouldn't perish but have 00:08:57.740 --> 00:08:59.940 everlasting life. And then the next verse talks 00:08:59.940 --> 00:09:02.720 about Jesus didn't come into the world to condemn 00:09:02.720 --> 00:09:06.809 the world but to forgive, to restore. 1 John 00:09:06.809 --> 00:09:09.409 reminds us that when we confess, when we agree 00:09:09.409 --> 00:09:12.090 with God, when we get brutally honest, when we 00:09:12.090 --> 00:09:15.330 confess our sins, he is faithful because of his 00:09:15.330 --> 00:09:18.289 character and just because of what Jesus has 00:09:18.289 --> 00:09:22.129 done to not only forgive us, but cleanse us from 00:09:22.129 --> 00:09:26.409 all unrighteousness. Here's the key. We have 00:09:26.409 --> 00:09:31.029 to give away what we've received. Forgive us 00:09:31.029 --> 00:09:35.029 our sins as we forgive those who've sinned against 00:09:35.029 --> 00:09:40.840 us. Here's the truth about human nature. I want 00:09:40.840 --> 00:09:43.960 justice from everyone else, right? That deep 00:09:43.960 --> 00:09:46.519 -seated, I don't deserve this. That's not fair. 00:09:47.139 --> 00:09:50.039 And yet, from God, I don't want justice. I want 00:09:50.039 --> 00:09:53.259 mercy. Lord, forgive me. I know I lied. Lord, 00:09:53.320 --> 00:09:55.200 forgive me. I know you told me to do this, and 00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:57.419 I didn't do it. Lord, forgive me. You told me 00:09:57.419 --> 00:09:59.639 never to do that, and I went ahead and did it 00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:02.500 anyway. And then afterwards, and here's the consequences, 00:10:02.679 --> 00:10:05.120 and I know I don't deserve it, but forgive me. 00:10:05.909 --> 00:10:09.269 Let me give you a very key passage before I talk 00:10:09.269 --> 00:10:13.570 about how the act forgive, the process forgiving 00:10:13.570 --> 00:10:16.509 and what you actually do in that process, and 00:10:16.509 --> 00:10:20.070 then the finality of forgiven, the evidence that 00:10:20.070 --> 00:10:23.450 it's at peace. You're right with God, and as 00:10:23.450 --> 00:10:26.309 far as it depends on you, you're right with your 00:10:26.309 --> 00:10:29.990 mate. It was a passage that was the turning point 00:10:29.990 --> 00:10:33.889 in my marriage because I felt when I did my part, 00:10:34.519 --> 00:10:36.740 Teresa does her part, and if she doesn't do her 00:10:36.740 --> 00:10:39.720 part, then the problem in our marriage is her. 00:10:40.220 --> 00:10:43.460 Well, then I'll forgive, and I'll do like X, 00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:46.000 Y, and Z. I'll unload the dishwasher. I'll help 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:48.019 with vacuuming. I'll have one of these little 00:10:48.019 --> 00:10:51.159 conferences where I listen to her, and I make 00:10:51.159 --> 00:10:54.179 eye contact, and I do all this stuff I'm supposed 00:10:54.179 --> 00:10:57.179 to as a husband. Waiting for the transaction, 00:10:57.500 --> 00:11:00.419 well, that means she's going to do. X, Y, and 00:11:00.419 --> 00:11:03.259 Z that says I love you to me, that was a lie 00:11:03.259 --> 00:11:07.000 I believed. And if it didn't happen when or how 00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:10.039 I wanted to happen, then I was resentful and 00:11:10.039 --> 00:11:15.120 bitter. I wasn't really forgiving. I was using 00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:18.600 forgiveness as a means to get what I wanted. 00:11:20.059 --> 00:11:24.460 Listen carefully to the core behind all forgiveness 00:11:24.460 --> 00:11:28.059 is to look to the Lord and what He's done for 00:11:28.059 --> 00:11:33.240 you and what he's done for me, long before we 00:11:33.240 --> 00:11:36.559 even think about trying to release or forgive 00:11:36.559 --> 00:11:39.840 our mates. The most powerful teaching of Jesus 00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:43.720 is in Matthew 18. Peter and the disciples are 00:11:43.720 --> 00:11:47.740 really, really wrestling with this forgiveness, 00:11:47.840 --> 00:11:51.919 like it's so unfair. And so Peter goes way out 00:11:51.919 --> 00:11:54.159 and says, should I forgive my brother like seven 00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:58.299 times? Jesus uses this hyperbole seven times 00:11:58.299 --> 00:12:01.159 70, basically. There's no limit to the forgiveness 00:12:01.159 --> 00:12:03.360 you must give because there's no limit to what 00:12:03.360 --> 00:12:06.399 you've received. And then he tells a parable 00:12:06.399 --> 00:12:10.320 that for me was the turning point. For me, it 00:12:10.320 --> 00:12:13.700 took all that pent -up justice, and I've done 00:12:13.700 --> 00:12:16.899 all these good things, and I'm sure I had a very 00:12:16.899 --> 00:12:20.419 skewed view of myself and Teresa at the time. 00:12:20.519 --> 00:12:24.370 And he tells this story. For this reason, the 00:12:24.370 --> 00:12:27.090 kingdom of heaven may be compared to a certain 00:12:27.090 --> 00:12:30.230 king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. 00:12:30.610 --> 00:12:33.610 And when he had begun to settle them, they brought 00:12:33.610 --> 00:12:37.610 one to him who owed him 10 ,000 talents. I mean, 00:12:37.629 --> 00:12:39.570 I could give you all the details. A denarius 00:12:39.570 --> 00:12:43.009 was a day's wage, and this was like a hundred 00:12:43.009 --> 00:12:46.960 years of a day's wage. would be one talent. So 00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:50.220 10 ,000, I mean, it's just like you win the lottery 00:12:50.220 --> 00:12:54.340 every single day for maybe a month. So this overwhelming 00:12:54.340 --> 00:12:57.500 amount of money is the point. But since he did 00:12:57.500 --> 00:13:00.340 not have the means to repay, his Lord commanded 00:13:00.340 --> 00:13:03.279 him to be sold along with his wife and his children 00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:06.559 and all that he had and repayment to be made. 00:13:07.019 --> 00:13:10.299 Then the slave falling down prostrated himself 00:13:10.299 --> 00:13:13.840 before him saying, have. patience with me and 00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:18.019 I will repay everything. And the Lord felt compassion 00:13:18.019 --> 00:13:23.220 and released him and forgave the debt. But that 00:13:23.220 --> 00:13:25.659 slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves 00:13:25.659 --> 00:13:28.700 who owed him a hundred nadars, a hundred days 00:13:28.700 --> 00:13:31.820 wages. And he seized him and he began to choke 00:13:31.820 --> 00:13:35.580 him saying, pay back what you owe. So his fellow 00:13:35.580 --> 00:13:38.600 slave fell down and began to entreat him saying, 00:13:38.720 --> 00:13:42.679 have patience with me and I will repay you. But 00:13:42.679 --> 00:13:45.639 he was unwilling and threw him into prison until 00:13:45.639 --> 00:13:48.879 he had paid back what he owed. So when his fellow 00:13:48.879 --> 00:13:52.200 slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply 00:13:52.200 --> 00:13:54.879 grieved, and they came and reported it to their 00:13:54.879 --> 00:13:58.480 lord, all that had happened. Then summoning him, 00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:04.360 his lord said to him, You wicked slave! I forgave 00:14:04.360 --> 00:14:08.480 you all that debt because you entreated me. Should 00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:11.799 you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, 00:14:12.039 --> 00:14:16.019 even as I've had mercy on you? And his Lord moved 00:14:16.019 --> 00:14:18.980 with anger, handed him over to the torturers 00:14:18.980 --> 00:14:24.059 until he should repay all that he was owed. So 00:14:24.059 --> 00:14:28.519 shall my heavenly Father also do to you if each 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:39.259 of you do not forgive his brother. And personally, 00:14:39.559 --> 00:14:43.600 I somehow felt justified because I was hurt and 00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:45.899 I was wounded. And by the way, Teresa felt the 00:14:45.899 --> 00:14:49.559 same way. And as a result of that, I would sort 00:14:49.559 --> 00:14:53.600 of say the right words, but I didn't forgive 00:14:53.600 --> 00:14:56.659 in the way God had forgiven me. And the turning 00:14:56.659 --> 00:15:02.159 point came when I recognized how much I had sinned 00:15:02.159 --> 00:15:06.539 and how deeply and merciful God had forgiven 00:15:06.539 --> 00:15:10.279 me and that I could not expect that from God 00:15:10.279 --> 00:15:15.559 if I was unwilling to give that to my wife. And 00:15:15.559 --> 00:15:18.399 then I did that. And I did it unlike I did it 00:15:18.399 --> 00:15:20.879 in the past. I didn't do it with this attitude, 00:15:21.120 --> 00:15:23.080 well, I'm going to forgive her, I'm going to 00:15:23.080 --> 00:15:24.960 release her, and I'm going to do nice things 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:27.059 for her so that she'll do nice things for me. 00:15:27.720 --> 00:15:32.419 When you forgive with open hands, you must release 00:15:32.419 --> 00:15:36.159 that person, turn them to the Lord, say, Lord, 00:15:36.279 --> 00:15:39.759 you teach them, you help them, I release them 00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:44.080 from the pain inflicted on me. And you do that 00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:47.620 freely. Because they deserve it? No. But it takes 00:15:47.620 --> 00:15:50.000 the resentment out of your heart. It doesn't 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:53.190 allow bitterness to grow. And so let me give 00:15:53.190 --> 00:15:56.110 you the practical ways to do that. Number one, 00:15:56.190 --> 00:15:59.929 it's a choice. Multiple times I've had to literally 00:15:59.929 --> 00:16:04.669 write down on this day, I choose to forgive one 00:16:04.669 --> 00:16:08.429 of my children or my wife for, and then I write 00:16:08.429 --> 00:16:11.409 down the harsh words she said to me for the, 00:16:11.470 --> 00:16:13.789 we made this plans and then she didn't follow 00:16:13.789 --> 00:16:17.169 through or you write out, I choose to forgive 00:16:17.169 --> 00:16:20.610 and you write it out. It's a declaration, it's 00:16:20.610 --> 00:16:23.029 an act, and you do it on this day and you put 00:16:23.029 --> 00:16:26.590 a date. Then the second part of the process is 00:16:26.590 --> 00:16:30.450 forgiving. And Jesus says that for our enemies, 00:16:30.830 --> 00:16:33.950 he says we're to bless them. That means to want 00:16:33.950 --> 00:16:37.090 good for them, to see God honor their life, bless 00:16:37.090 --> 00:16:39.789 their life, bring them joy, bring good things 00:16:39.789 --> 00:16:42.529 and good circumstances and good people, and we're 00:16:42.529 --> 00:16:45.389 to pray for them that persecute us. How much 00:16:45.389 --> 00:16:48.700 more our mate? And so you bless them without 00:16:48.700 --> 00:16:51.639 thinking of anything in return. You give words 00:16:51.639 --> 00:16:55.399 of life, jot a note. You know what I love you 00:16:55.399 --> 00:16:57.960 means to them, right? And so you not only forgive, 00:16:58.080 --> 00:17:01.639 but then you do the things that bless their life, 00:17:01.700 --> 00:17:04.180 and don't miss this one, and you pray for them. 00:17:04.839 --> 00:17:07.119 And the early prayers for me was, well, change 00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:09.559 her heart, help her be more this way, help her 00:17:09.559 --> 00:17:11.819 be more that way. I was trying to fix her in 00:17:11.819 --> 00:17:14.559 my prayers. But to bless is, Lord, would you 00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:17.349 give her great joy? Would you give her just a 00:17:17.349 --> 00:17:20.890 deep awareness of how beautiful she is in your 00:17:20.890 --> 00:17:24.309 eyes? Lord, would you cause this day to just 00:17:24.309 --> 00:17:27.069 bring joy to her heart? God, would you encourage 00:17:27.069 --> 00:17:29.369 her with, I know that relationship she's really 00:17:29.369 --> 00:17:31.650 struggling with, with one of her parents. Lord, 00:17:31.730 --> 00:17:33.930 would you, and you just begin to pray blessing. 00:17:34.190 --> 00:17:36.750 And by the way, I didn't feel like doing it. 00:17:36.789 --> 00:17:39.609 My wounds were so deep, not that she did terrible 00:17:39.609 --> 00:17:42.329 things, probably me being so overly sensitive, 00:17:46.039 --> 00:17:49.200 I couldn't do it for her. In fact, it was scary 00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:52.500 because my heart had gotten hard. I didn't want 00:17:52.500 --> 00:17:56.660 to be nice to my own wife. I didn't want to say 00:17:56.660 --> 00:18:00.259 nice things. Now, I admit that. Now, by the way, 00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:04.720 I got 46 years under my belt now, and our marriage 00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:06.920 is better than I ever dreamed it could be. Perfect? 00:18:07.019 --> 00:18:10.420 No. Do we still have struggles? Yes. Does she 00:18:10.420 --> 00:18:12.400 still hurt my feelings and I hurt her feelings 00:18:12.400 --> 00:18:16.130 now and then? Yes. But these were the foundational 00:18:16.130 --> 00:18:19.589 things that we learned. And when it was so hard, 00:18:19.769 --> 00:18:22.970 I looked up to God and I said, Lord, I can't 00:18:22.970 --> 00:18:26.289 do it for her right now. And I want you to soften 00:18:26.289 --> 00:18:29.609 my heart, but I'll do it for you. This is my 00:18:29.609 --> 00:18:32.210 act of worship. I'm praying for my wife. I'm 00:18:32.210 --> 00:18:34.890 bringing her before you. God, this is my act 00:18:34.890 --> 00:18:37.750 of worship. These words that are kind. This is 00:18:37.750 --> 00:18:40.369 my act of worship. Without being asked, I'm going 00:18:40.369 --> 00:18:42.349 to take out the garbage. I'm going to vacuum 00:18:42.349 --> 00:18:45.029 the floor. And I'm not going to point out, oh, 00:18:45.089 --> 00:18:47.049 did you notice that I did this or I did that? 00:18:47.529 --> 00:18:49.970 This is my act of kindness. I'm going to say 00:18:49.970 --> 00:18:54.029 words that affirm her inner beauty and how nice 00:18:54.029 --> 00:18:57.750 she looks today and why I'm glad God gave her 00:18:57.750 --> 00:19:02.890 to me as a wife. And I begin to process day after 00:19:02.890 --> 00:19:07.490 day after day blessings. and words of affirmation, 00:19:07.490 --> 00:19:11.349 and acts of kindness, and acts of service. And 00:19:11.349 --> 00:19:12.890 what I can tell you, the person that changed 00:19:12.890 --> 00:19:17.369 immediately was not her. The person that changed 00:19:17.369 --> 00:19:20.470 was me. The bitterness went out of my heart. 00:19:20.549 --> 00:19:22.910 The resentment went out of my heart. I was in 00:19:22.910 --> 00:19:26.450 the process. Now, would she still say something 00:19:26.450 --> 00:19:28.250 or do something? And does that mean I haven't 00:19:28.250 --> 00:19:30.589 forgiven her when those emotions come back? No, 00:19:30.670 --> 00:19:33.700 no, no, no, no. That just means the wound got 00:19:33.700 --> 00:19:37.059 reopened and I need to go back and say, no, I've 00:19:37.059 --> 00:19:39.420 forgiven her for that. Or maybe something new. 00:19:39.480 --> 00:19:44.099 I choose to forgive her for this. Act. I choose 00:19:44.099 --> 00:19:47.319 to forgive. It is a process. I will pray for 00:19:47.319 --> 00:19:50.140 that person and I will bless them with my words 00:19:50.140 --> 00:19:53.079 and my actions. And I don't have to feel like 00:19:53.079 --> 00:19:56.640 it. I'm going to do that as an offering to God. 00:19:56.819 --> 00:20:00.559 And third, when I see and hear something good 00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:03.190 about them, I'll know I've completely forgiven 00:20:03.190 --> 00:20:06.569 them when my heart rejoices. And this is true 00:20:06.569 --> 00:20:08.509 not just in our marriages, but this has been 00:20:08.509 --> 00:20:12.029 true in the most difficult betrayals and relationships 00:20:12.029 --> 00:20:15.230 of anything that I've ever experienced. It's 00:20:15.230 --> 00:20:17.990 what Romans 12 teaches. Bless those who persecute 00:20:17.990 --> 00:20:20.470 you. Bless and curse not. As far as it depends 00:20:20.470 --> 00:20:24.250 on you, be at peace with all men. This starts 00:20:24.250 --> 00:20:29.250 with your view of God's mercy for you. It is 00:20:29.250 --> 00:20:34.289 a skill. I practiced this in a couple relationships 00:20:34.289 --> 00:20:36.710 where I really got betrayed in some ministry. 00:20:37.109 --> 00:20:39.490 And about a year later, I heard something good 00:20:39.490 --> 00:20:41.930 about this person that I did ministry with. And 00:20:41.930 --> 00:20:43.670 I artificially said, oh, yeah, that's great, 00:20:43.750 --> 00:20:45.829 that's great. But in my heart, it was like, boy, 00:20:45.930 --> 00:20:48.410 Lord, that doesn't seem fair after what that 00:20:48.410 --> 00:20:51.269 person did to me. And yet I was praying for blessing 00:20:51.269 --> 00:20:53.549 in his marriage and blessing in his life and 00:20:53.549 --> 00:20:56.109 blessing in his ministry. And it took about two 00:20:56.109 --> 00:20:58.490 years. And I remember hearing something really 00:20:58.490 --> 00:21:01.150 wonderful as God was using his life in a great 00:21:01.150 --> 00:21:05.109 way. And I remember rejoicing and thinking, wow, 00:21:05.309 --> 00:21:08.309 that's so great. And it was like, oh, not only 00:21:08.309 --> 00:21:12.890 is that great, I'm really free. Bless those who 00:21:12.890 --> 00:21:16.930 persecute you. Bless and curse not. As far as 00:21:16.930 --> 00:21:20.829 it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 00:21:23.440 --> 00:21:25.839 Now, in our next broadcast, what I'm going to 00:21:25.839 --> 00:21:29.960 do is I'm going to help you learn how to communicate. 00:21:30.059 --> 00:21:32.839 Not just say words, but really learn to communicate. 00:21:33.180 --> 00:21:35.599 And then later this week, we're going to give 00:21:35.599 --> 00:21:39.200 you a very specific plan about resolving conflict. 00:21:40.619 --> 00:21:44.380 Can you imagine the joy in the heart of Jesus 00:21:44.380 --> 00:21:47.779 as he sees the walls coming down in your marriage? 00:21:48.560 --> 00:21:51.460 emotions coming back of love and encouragement 00:21:51.460 --> 00:21:54.599 and connection. Can you imagine the impact in 00:21:54.599 --> 00:21:58.720 our children's lives as they see a model of two 00:21:58.720 --> 00:22:01.400 people that are in love after five years, 10 00:22:01.400 --> 00:22:04.839 years, 25 years, 31 years, whatever the number. 00:22:05.950 --> 00:22:08.950 After ups and downs or even maybe after a hurt 00:22:08.950 --> 00:22:11.769 or an argument where there's a sitting down and 00:22:11.769 --> 00:22:14.289 a sharing and an honest confession and a praying 00:22:14.289 --> 00:22:16.910 with one another and a crying together and a 00:22:16.910 --> 00:22:20.069 coming back together, we're all human. We all 00:22:20.069 --> 00:22:23.490 will mess up. But God is loving and kind and 00:22:23.490 --> 00:22:28.369 merciful and forgiving. And he wants to communicate 00:22:28.369 --> 00:22:30.650 with us through his word and we talk with him. 00:22:31.369 --> 00:22:33.329 He wants us to be involved in community where 00:22:33.329 --> 00:22:35.569 we get support to do these things I'm talking 00:22:35.569 --> 00:22:39.650 about. I can't do anything that I'm teaching 00:22:39.650 --> 00:22:42.710 you or that I have shared without the support 00:22:42.710 --> 00:22:44.809 of brothers in my life that I can share these 00:22:44.809 --> 00:22:47.569 things with honestly, or my wife having sisters 00:22:47.569 --> 00:22:50.009 in her life where she can go through this journey 00:22:50.009 --> 00:22:52.730 with them and come and be the kind of wife that 00:22:52.730 --> 00:22:56.250 I need and I can be the man that she needs. Can 00:22:56.250 --> 00:23:00.279 I encourage you? Make. your marriage, apart from 00:23:00.279 --> 00:23:03.099 your relationship with Jesus, your highest priority. 00:23:04.319 --> 00:23:07.240 In the decades to come, if the Lord does not 00:23:07.240 --> 00:23:11.380 return, it will be so much more important than 00:23:11.380 --> 00:23:14.960 your work, so much more important than your kids' 00:23:15.059 --> 00:23:17.940 grades, so much more important than what other 00:23:17.940 --> 00:23:21.960 people think. The foundation of culture and society 00:23:21.960 --> 00:23:25.079 and life is our relationship with God, number 00:23:25.079 --> 00:23:27.930 one. and our relationship with our mates where 00:23:27.930 --> 00:23:32.569 we give evidence of the beauty of the body of 00:23:32.569 --> 00:23:36.369 Christ connected to our head Jesus. And we model 00:23:36.369 --> 00:23:39.829 that in our marriages in a way where the love 00:23:39.829 --> 00:23:44.549 of God and the kindness of God and the beauty 00:23:44.549 --> 00:23:47.529 of life and relationships can be exhibited through 00:23:47.529 --> 00:23:51.890 one man and one woman deeply in love, choosing 00:23:51.890 --> 00:23:54.990 to sacrificially put the needs of the other first. 00:23:55.440 --> 00:23:59.319 It's an amazing, beautiful strategy and plan 00:23:59.319 --> 00:24:02.160 that the King and Creator of the universe has 00:24:02.160 --> 00:24:26.259 made. Don't miss out on it. to live like Christians. 00:24:26.829 --> 00:24:28.670 And right now, for those who choose to become 00:24:28.670 --> 00:24:31.569 monthly partners, we'll send you our newest resource, 00:24:31.910 --> 00:24:34.930 The Marriage That Works Truth Cards, as our way 00:24:34.930 --> 00:24:38.130 of saying thank you. To learn more, go to livingontheedge 00:24:38.130 --> 00:24:44.670 .org or call 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333 00:24:44.670 --> 00:24:50.910 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners, 00:24:51.009 --> 00:24:53.809 tap Donate. And thanks in advance for doing whatever 00:24:53.809 --> 00:24:57.170 the Lord leads you to do. and the entire team 00:24:57.170 --> 00:24:59.529 here. This is Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening 00:24:59.529 --> 00:25:02.190 to this edition of Living on the Edge. And I 00:25:02.190 --> 00:25:03.809 hope you'll join us again next time.