What does it take to have a great marriage? Not
just an okay one or one that's barely surviving,
but a relationship that's life -giving and thriving.
Well, today on Living on the Edge, our Bible
teacher, Chip Ingram, boils down a lot of the
advice he's received over the years and wisdom
from Scripture to three simple practices. Hey,
I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks for joining us today as
we pick up in our series, Uninvited Guests, recognizing
and resisting the attacks on your family. And
before we get going, let me encourage you to
download Chip's message notes. They're a great
resource available for every program. They contain
Chip's outline, all the scripture he references,
and more. Check them out under the broadcasts
tab at livingontheedge .org. Tap listeners, tap
fill in notes. Well, there's a lot of ground
to cover today. So here's Chip with today's talk,
three skills great marriages have in common.
Thanks so much, Dave. You know, for the last
two weeks, we talked about lies that we all believe.
They're embedded in culture, in media, in life,
in family of origin. Now, what I want to talk
about this week is three skills that you must
learn, develop, and practice regularly if you
want to have a great family. And the key to having
a great family, the foundation, it always begins
with a deep intimate marriage. And let's just
go on record to say that is hard. That is very,
very challenging. And whether it's busyness or
we wound one another or we don't understand each
other, there are three vital skills that you
must learn. Let me give you what they are. I'm
going to cover one today. And I'm going to spend
two broadcasts on the second one and two more
on the last one. Because you can identify the
lies and you can try as hard as you want. But
without these skills, you will never make it.
Skill number one is learning the skill of forgiving
your mate. Skill number two is communication.
I don't mean talking. I don't mean just sharing
words. I mean... The entire process, the sharing
of your heart, the actual transfer of what's
on your mind and your heart and your intent actually
gets into the mind and the heart of your mate.
You actually connect. What you mean by what you're
saying, both with your eyes, with your body language,
with your tone of voice, and with your actual
words, crosses this chasm, and your mate actually
understands. This is what he's saying to me,
or this is what she's saying to me. And that
is a lifelong journey and a process, but you
can learn it. We're going to give you some tools,
some super practical things to learn to communicate
this week. The last one is resolving conflict.
Maybe another way to say it is you have to learn
to fight fair. We're going to have conflict about
money, conflict about kids, conflict about sex,
conflict about in -laws, conflict about schedules,
conflict about roles, conflict about responsibilities,
conflict about free time, right? We're going
to have conflict. Most couples attack the other
person instead of the problem because they don't
have a clear plan and they don't know the skill
of how to resolve conflict. And before I talk
about skill number one of forgiveness, what I
want some of you to hear is the most challenging,
most frustrating time I've ever had in my marriage
is when I recognized we needed to change. I recognized
we wanted to have a good marriage. I recognized
she was trying and I was trying. But no matter
what I said or what I did, my best efforts actually
made things worse. instead of better. I got so
discouraged. I really came to the point, I wondered,
can this marriage make it? And so I have been
there. And I want you to know there's hope. This
series is not about learning more truth about
marriage or learning more about communication
and nodding and trying a little something. This
is about you saying, I'm going to do this. I
am going to learn to communicate. I'm going to
go into training. I now know the lies that I
believe that over time, the enemy will use these.
In my moments of weakness, my flesh will use
these. And the world system is designed to use
these lies to absolutely destroy my marriage.
The God of the universe wants your relationship
with your mate. to demonstrate the love of Jesus
with his church? Perfect? No. Significant? Rich?
Deep? Fulfilling? Ups and downs, of course. Hard
seasons? Yes. But an intimacy, a oneness of mind
and soul and body and spirit and emotions. It's
not only possible, it's God's will. But we've
so long believed so many lies, we get off track
not even knowing. how we got off track. And secondly,
if you don't have these skills of forgiving and
communication and resolving conflict, you will
not be able to get through the hard, rough times
life will bring. So here we go. Let me spend
my time with you today talking about forgiveness,
what it is and what it's not. First, what it's
not. It's not a magic bullet where you say two
little words, I'm sorry, and then everything's
okay. It's also not, I've forgiven them, so I
guess all the hurt, all the pain, and all the
struggles, and the same behavior I let happen
over and over. I'm just a doormat, and I say,
I forgive you, and I get the same response each
and every time. No, that's not what forgiveness
is either. I just say, I'm sorry, I own my part,
but there's no next steps to deal with things.
No, that's not forgiveness. Forgiveness has three
aspects. It's a decision. Number one, it's a
process. Number two, and it actually is accomplished.
Number three, the three key words about forgiveness
is this, I forgive you. The word forgive literally
in the New Testament has the idea of to release.
In other words, behind not forgiving is this
desire that we have to pay people back. And the
Lord says, vengeance is mine. I will repay. We
have to come first and foremost, if we're really
going to forgive, is instead of looking horizontal,
instead of contemplating the wound, the hurt,
the betrayal, and I don't in any way diminish
how painful and how wrong you may have been treated.
There's times to just process and cry and take
it to the Lord. That's real. But you can't want
to hang on to I want to pay them back. I want
to see them suffer. Someone has wisely said,
to not forgive another person is like drinking
poison and believing that it's killing them instead
of killing you. And some of these are little
things, right? But for many listening, it's been
a betrayal. And there's some pain and hurt that
if you bury, It comes up in passive -aggressive
type behavior and joking and putting them down
and doing things that little by little will just
erode the intimacy and the connection and the
real love that you long for. People choose not
to forgive and almost do it unconsciously and
just figure out how to live in these parallel
lanes inside the same home. Try to forget everything
for a while and maybe sex will make it better
or let's go on a vacation and that will make
it better or I'll buy something for them and
that will make it better. But you never get to
the core of really forgiving the other person.
And so spiritually, Jesus taught, as we have
freely been forgiven, so we must freely forgive.
We know that God is rich in mercy. We know that
when Jesus hung upon the cross, the just judgment
for my sin and your sin and the sin of all the
world was placed on him. God so loved the world
that he gave his one and only son that whoever
would believe in him shouldn't perish but have
everlasting life. And then the next verse talks
about Jesus didn't come into the world to condemn
the world but to forgive, to restore. 1 John
reminds us that when we confess, when we agree
with God, when we get brutally honest, when we
confess our sins, he is faithful because of his
character and just because of what Jesus has
done to not only forgive us, but cleanse us from
all unrighteousness. Here's the key. We have
to give away what we've received. Forgive us
our sins as we forgive those who've sinned against
us. Here's the truth about human nature. I want
justice from everyone else, right? That deep
-seated, I don't deserve this. That's not fair.
And yet, from God, I don't want justice. I want
mercy. Lord, forgive me. I know I lied. Lord,
forgive me. I know you told me to do this, and
I didn't do it. Lord, forgive me. You told me
never to do that, and I went ahead and did it
anyway. And then afterwards, and here's the consequences,
and I know I don't deserve it, but forgive me.
Let me give you a very key passage before I talk
about how the act forgive, the process forgiving
and what you actually do in that process, and
then the finality of forgiven, the evidence that
it's at peace. You're right with God, and as
far as it depends on you, you're right with your
mate. It was a passage that was the turning point
in my marriage because I felt when I did my part,
Teresa does her part, and if she doesn't do her
part, then the problem in our marriage is her.
Well, then I'll forgive, and I'll do like X,
Y, and Z. I'll unload the dishwasher. I'll help
with vacuuming. I'll have one of these little
conferences where I listen to her, and I make
eye contact, and I do all this stuff I'm supposed
to as a husband. Waiting for the transaction,
well, that means she's going to do. X, Y, and
Z that says I love you to me, that was a lie
I believed. And if it didn't happen when or how
I wanted to happen, then I was resentful and
bitter. I wasn't really forgiving. I was using
forgiveness as a means to get what I wanted.
Listen carefully to the core behind all forgiveness
is to look to the Lord and what He's done for
you and what he's done for me, long before we
even think about trying to release or forgive
our mates. The most powerful teaching of Jesus
is in Matthew 18. Peter and the disciples are
really, really wrestling with this forgiveness,
like it's so unfair. And so Peter goes way out
and says, should I forgive my brother like seven
times? Jesus uses this hyperbole seven times
70, basically. There's no limit to the forgiveness
you must give because there's no limit to what
you've received. And then he tells a parable
that for me was the turning point. For me, it
took all that pent -up justice, and I've done
all these good things, and I'm sure I had a very
skewed view of myself and Teresa at the time.
And he tells this story. For this reason, the
kingdom of heaven may be compared to a certain
king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves.
And when he had begun to settle them, they brought
one to him who owed him 10 ,000 talents. I mean,
I could give you all the details. A denarius
was a day's wage, and this was like a hundred
years of a day's wage. would be one talent. So
10 ,000, I mean, it's just like you win the lottery
every single day for maybe a month. So this overwhelming
amount of money is the point. But since he did
not have the means to repay, his Lord commanded
him to be sold along with his wife and his children
and all that he had and repayment to be made.
Then the slave falling down prostrated himself
before him saying, have. patience with me and
I will repay everything. And the Lord felt compassion
and released him and forgave the debt. But that
slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves
who owed him a hundred nadars, a hundred days
wages. And he seized him and he began to choke
him saying, pay back what you owe. So his fellow
slave fell down and began to entreat him saying,
have patience with me and I will repay you. But
he was unwilling and threw him into prison until
he had paid back what he owed. So when his fellow
slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply
grieved, and they came and reported it to their
lord, all that had happened. Then summoning him,
his lord said to him, You wicked slave! I forgave
you all that debt because you entreated me. Should
you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave,
even as I've had mercy on you? And his Lord moved
with anger, handed him over to the torturers
until he should repay all that he was owed. So
shall my heavenly Father also do to you if each
of you do not forgive his brother. And personally,
I somehow felt justified because I was hurt and
I was wounded. And by the way, Teresa felt the
same way. And as a result of that, I would sort
of say the right words, but I didn't forgive
in the way God had forgiven me. And the turning
point came when I recognized how much I had sinned
and how deeply and merciful God had forgiven
me and that I could not expect that from God
if I was unwilling to give that to my wife. And
then I did that. And I did it unlike I did it
in the past. I didn't do it with this attitude,
well, I'm going to forgive her, I'm going to
release her, and I'm going to do nice things
for her so that she'll do nice things for me.
When you forgive with open hands, you must release
that person, turn them to the Lord, say, Lord,
you teach them, you help them, I release them
from the pain inflicted on me. And you do that
freely. Because they deserve it? No. But it takes
the resentment out of your heart. It doesn't
allow bitterness to grow. And so let me give
you the practical ways to do that. Number one,
it's a choice. Multiple times I've had to literally
write down on this day, I choose to forgive one
of my children or my wife for, and then I write
down the harsh words she said to me for the,
we made this plans and then she didn't follow
through or you write out, I choose to forgive
and you write it out. It's a declaration, it's
an act, and you do it on this day and you put
a date. Then the second part of the process is
forgiving. And Jesus says that for our enemies,
he says we're to bless them. That means to want
good for them, to see God honor their life, bless
their life, bring them joy, bring good things
and good circumstances and good people, and we're
to pray for them that persecute us. How much
more our mate? And so you bless them without
thinking of anything in return. You give words
of life, jot a note. You know what I love you
means to them, right? And so you not only forgive,
but then you do the things that bless their life,
and don't miss this one, and you pray for them.
And the early prayers for me was, well, change
her heart, help her be more this way, help her
be more that way. I was trying to fix her in
my prayers. But to bless is, Lord, would you
give her great joy? Would you give her just a
deep awareness of how beautiful she is in your
eyes? Lord, would you cause this day to just
bring joy to her heart? God, would you encourage
her with, I know that relationship she's really
struggling with, with one of her parents. Lord,
would you, and you just begin to pray blessing.
And by the way, I didn't feel like doing it.
My wounds were so deep, not that she did terrible
things, probably me being so overly sensitive,
I couldn't do it for her. In fact, it was scary
because my heart had gotten hard. I didn't want
to be nice to my own wife. I didn't want to say
nice things. Now, I admit that. Now, by the way,
I got 46 years under my belt now, and our marriage
is better than I ever dreamed it could be. Perfect?
No. Do we still have struggles? Yes. Does she
still hurt my feelings and I hurt her feelings
now and then? Yes. But these were the foundational
things that we learned. And when it was so hard,
I looked up to God and I said, Lord, I can't
do it for her right now. And I want you to soften
my heart, but I'll do it for you. This is my
act of worship. I'm praying for my wife. I'm
bringing her before you. God, this is my act
of worship. These words that are kind. This is
my act of worship. Without being asked, I'm going
to take out the garbage. I'm going to vacuum
the floor. And I'm not going to point out, oh,
did you notice that I did this or I did that?
This is my act of kindness. I'm going to say
words that affirm her inner beauty and how nice
she looks today and why I'm glad God gave her
to me as a wife. And I begin to process day after
day after day blessings. and words of affirmation,
and acts of kindness, and acts of service. And
what I can tell you, the person that changed
immediately was not her. The person that changed
was me. The bitterness went out of my heart.
The resentment went out of my heart. I was in
the process. Now, would she still say something
or do something? And does that mean I haven't
forgiven her when those emotions come back? No,
no, no, no, no. That just means the wound got
reopened and I need to go back and say, no, I've
forgiven her for that. Or maybe something new.
I choose to forgive her for this. Act. I choose
to forgive. It is a process. I will pray for
that person and I will bless them with my words
and my actions. And I don't have to feel like
it. I'm going to do that as an offering to God.
And third, when I see and hear something good
about them, I'll know I've completely forgiven
them when my heart rejoices. And this is true
not just in our marriages, but this has been
true in the most difficult betrayals and relationships
of anything that I've ever experienced. It's
what Romans 12 teaches. Bless those who persecute
you. Bless and curse not. As far as it depends
on you, be at peace with all men. This starts
with your view of God's mercy for you. It is
a skill. I practiced this in a couple relationships
where I really got betrayed in some ministry.
And about a year later, I heard something good
about this person that I did ministry with. And
I artificially said, oh, yeah, that's great,
that's great. But in my heart, it was like, boy,
Lord, that doesn't seem fair after what that
person did to me. And yet I was praying for blessing
in his marriage and blessing in his life and
blessing in his ministry. And it took about two
years. And I remember hearing something really
wonderful as God was using his life in a great
way. And I remember rejoicing and thinking, wow,
that's so great. And it was like, oh, not only
is that great, I'm really free. Bless those who
persecute you. Bless and curse not. As far as
it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
Now, in our next broadcast, what I'm going to
do is I'm going to help you learn how to communicate.
Not just say words, but really learn to communicate.
And then later this week, we're going to give
you a very specific plan about resolving conflict.
Can you imagine the joy in the heart of Jesus
as he sees the walls coming down in your marriage?
emotions coming back of love and encouragement
and connection. Can you imagine the impact in
our children's lives as they see a model of two
people that are in love after five years, 10
years, 25 years, 31 years, whatever the number.
After ups and downs or even maybe after a hurt
or an argument where there's a sitting down and
a sharing and an honest confession and a praying
with one another and a crying together and a
coming back together, we're all human. We all
will mess up. But God is loving and kind and
merciful and forgiving. And he wants to communicate
with us through his word and we talk with him.
He wants us to be involved in community where
we get support to do these things I'm talking
about. I can't do anything that I'm teaching
you or that I have shared without the support
of brothers in my life that I can share these
things with honestly, or my wife having sisters
in her life where she can go through this journey
with them and come and be the kind of wife that
I need and I can be the man that she needs. Can
I encourage you? Make. your marriage, apart from
your relationship with Jesus, your highest priority.
In the decades to come, if the Lord does not
return, it will be so much more important than
your work, so much more important than your kids'
grades, so much more important than what other
people think. The foundation of culture and society
and life is our relationship with God, number
one. and our relationship with our mates where
we give evidence of the beauty of the body of
Christ connected to our head Jesus. And we model
that in our marriages in a way where the love
of God and the kindness of God and the beauty
of life and relationships can be exhibited through
one man and one woman deeply in love, choosing
to sacrificially put the needs of the other first.
It's an amazing, beautiful strategy and plan
that the King and Creator of the universe has
made. Don't miss out on it. to live like Christians.
And right now, for those who choose to become
monthly partners, we'll send you our newest resource,
The Marriage That Works Truth Cards, as our way
of saying thank you. To learn more, go to livingontheedge
.org or call 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333
-6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners,
tap Donate. And thanks in advance for doing whatever
the Lord leads you to do. and the entire team
here. This is Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening
to this edition of Living on the Edge. And I
hope you'll join us again next time.