We've all heard the expression, men are from
Mars and women are from Venus, alluding to the
fact that the sexes think, speak, and act very
differently from one another. So how can husbands
and wives bridge that gap to communicate effectively,
understand each other's needs, and navigate challenges
together? Well, that's what we're going to tackle
today. Hey, everyone. I'm Dave Drewy, and you're
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
Our mission is to inspire Christians to be genuine
followers of Jesus and to empower them to be
active disciple makers in our world. And we're
in the middle of our ongoing series, Uninvited
Guests. And we pray everything we've studied
together has enriched your marriage and motivated
you to uncover the subtle lies that may be holding
your relationship back. So if you want to help
other marriages grow and thrive, would you take
a minute after today's program and share it with
someone in your life? You can do that from livingontheedge
.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. Thanks
for spreading the word about how God is using
our ministry in your life. Well, if you're ready,
here's Chip with his talk, Speaking Your Spouse's
Love Language. As we close our focus on this
section of the series, we've talked about lies
that tear down our marriages. We've talked about
these foundational truths that you can build
your marriage on. And it doesn't matter what
comes your way. It'll be strong and stable and
grow. Today, I want to share the last two foundation
stones that for me are so encouraging, so positive.
So foundational truth number four is, by the
way, this is for men. I will choose to love my
wife today in a specific and sacrificial way.
That is meaningful to her. And here's the reason.
She is God's gift to me and I will cherish her
just as Christ loved his bride, the church. Men,
think about what would it be like for your wife
to feel cherished, special, valuable, more than
anything else, any other human relationship that
she would just feel. your words and your life
and your concern and your body language and your
eye contact, she would just feel cherished. As
I've shared, coming out of some of our marriage
counseling, I had to learn that love is a choice,
okay, so I'm going to choose. And then I was
loving Teresa. Actually, in the midst of our
most difficult times, I just was loving her in
a way that I thought would be loving. You know,
the things that made me feel loving, I thought,
well, I'll do that for her. I choose to love
my wife. Notice the key word today. I'll choose
to love my wife today in a specific and sacrificial
way that's meaningful to her. I was doing a lot
of loving, like I came home and I gave you a
kiss. I gave you a big hug. I mean, physical
touch is one of my love languages. And the fact
that the garbage wasn't out, that stuff was broken
around the house. I mean, what's that got to
do with love? Well, I learned to her, it had
a lot to do with love. And always remembering
this, I think sometimes we forget this. She is
a gift from God. You know, Proverbs has 31 chapters.
And I would say in the 45, 50 years that I've
walked seriously with the Lord, I've read through
Proverbs, I don't know, hundreds of times. And
I'm always struck where it says, wealth comes
from X, Y, and Z, but a wife is a gift from God.
And there's another proverb that talks about
she is more precious than diamonds or rubies.
In other words, there's no amount of material
wealth that can compare to having a wife that
loves God and loves you. And so just remembering
that's a gift I want to take really, really good
care of. And she's not only my wife. This helps
me. Maybe you don't think like this. She's my
heavenly father's daughter. I need to treat her
as a co -heir of the grace of Christ. She really
matters to the almighty King of Kings and Lord
of Lords. And so I need to steward and treat
her that way. So that's sort of the motivation.
Now to the real specific. There's some key words.
And I want you as a man to kind of just be thinking,
Lord, will you give me some creative, specific
ideas that I could love my wife today? in a way
that's meaningful to her. So the first one is
I choose. That means you don't have to feel like
it. Things aren't really going great for you
all. You don't have to wait until there's a romantic
moment. You're just going to say, I'm going to
choose today to love my wife. Well, how? In a
specific way. And as I say, in a way that's meaningful,
those kind of go together. I'll give you an example.
I reviewed all my notes to do this teaching.
And I happened to wake up a little bit earlier
than normal. And I was reviewing them all. And
I had a couple hours in. And I noticed when I
came into the kitchen that the little light on
the dishwasher was off. And I knew when I went
to bed, the little light was on. So it was working.
Normally, Teresa unloads the dishwasher if she's
there. But I happen to know she doesn't like
to do that. For whatever reason, we all have
things I don't really like to do. Unloading the
dishwasher. It's something she really doesn't
like to do. So about 5 .30 this morning, I was
taking a break. I saw that the light was off
and it wasn't a big deal. But because I'm reviewing
and thinking of these things, I was prompted.
I tried to be really quiet and I unloaded the
dishwasher and I wiped off the top of the ones
where there was water and I put everything away.
I didn't say, hey, by the way, honey, I want
you to know I unloaded the dishwasher. This isn't
to get stroked. It was. Sometime today, my wife
is going to open that up thinking, oh, brother.
And when she opens it up, it's going to be empty.
And you know what she's going to feel? Cherished.
Because she knows that's so out of character.
She's thinking, the last thing left to myself
that I would ever do is even notice the dishwasher
is full, let alone unload it. And here's what
I want you to get. Chip, that doesn't sound like
very romantic. Well, I got news. Not to me either,
but to her. Her love language is acts of service.
Took me five years to figure that out. But guess
what? That's her love language. When we were
in marriage counseling, one of the big ahas that
finally came to me early, early on was I was
speaking and doing acts in French and she was
speaking German. We weren't connecting at all.
And so what we had to learn was. Love doesn't
connect into the heart of another person unless
you love them in a way that makes sense to them.
And the more specific, the better. And little
things matter. It doesn't have to be a dozen
roses. It doesn't have to be a big date. Like
for me, I needed her car. It's the one that we
can get the dog in the back. And we went somewhere
to drop the dog off. And I looked down and she
has a quarter tank of gas. In my world, you got
plenty of time. In her world, a quarter tank
of gas is almost empty. So what do you do? I
pulled over to a gas station. I filled her car
with gas. It wasn't a big deal. The next time
she got in her car, it was filled with gas. And
guess what I get at dinner? Chip. when did you
fill my car with gas? Do you understand what
she's experiencing? Now, I'm not trying to make
myself some hero. You need to understand that
I knocked my head against the wall and we butted
heads for I don't know how many years until it
was like, it's not that hard to love your wife,
but you choose to, you do it in specific ways.
And then I'm going to go another one. When you
make a sacrifice, it really means something to
your wife. And this will be such a trite illustration.
If you all laugh at me out loud, I'll be deeply,
deeply offended. But since I can't hear you,
I'm going to be okay. So I played basketball
in college. I played overseas. I used to coach
basketball. Are you ready? I love basketball.
Steph Curry on my lands. Watching the Warriors.
Fantastic. Unbelievable. We're in the playoffs.
The Warriors are playing. And I saw her face
as I walked in. And I'm looking at her body language.
And this is from God. I'm prompted realizing
whether the Warriors win or lose, it will really
not make a difference 24 hours from now. And
I turned to her. I said, you want to watch something
else? Oh, no, no, honey. That's good. I know
basketball. You're really into that. And you
know what? If I really wanted to see it all,
I could record it. But you want to watch something
else? Yeah. Well, why don't we show something
that we both like? We watched it. We talked afterwards,
went to bed. I think that the last three minutes
of the game was on. I checked it out. I come
to bed 10 minutes later. Did they win or lose?
You know, and I realized, who cares? I had a
moment with my wife. Again, you know what she
experienced? The fact that I would think it's
a sacrifice to not watch a basketball game and
watch something else maybe tells me a lot more
about our culture and our world. But let me tell
you this. It communicated something to her. Men.
How will you choose to love your wife today in
a specific way, in a meaningful way? In other
words, it will be like, oh, this is her love
language. Maybe it's an act of service. Maybe
it's quality time. Maybe it's a gift. Maybe it's
physical touch. Maybe it's some non -sexual hugging.
What do you do that makes her experience in her
heart that she's cherished and loved? That's
what you do. The passage is one that most of
you know. It's at the heart for every husband.
It's Ephesians 5, 28 and 29. In the same way,
husbands, just as Jesus loved the church, husbands
ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself. After all,
no one ever hated his own body, but they feed
and care for their body just as Christ does the
church. You're listening to Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram. We'll get back to today's message
in just a minute. But quickly, throughout this
series, Chip's emphasized the fact that great
marriages require a lot of work. And that's where
we come in. Keep listening after this message
to learn more about a helpful new resource we've
created that couples can use to grow and strengthen
their relationship. Stick around to get all of
the details. For now, here again is Chip to continue
our series, Uninvited Guests. See, we talk about
two become one flesh, and we sort of have this
mystical, oh, I guess that's a metaphor. I don't
think that's how God looks at it. I think he
believes that there's a oneness that really occurs,
and that when you love your wife in a very real
sense, you are loving yourself. And now one of
the dangers here, men, I'm going to just shoot
it straight. You can't give to get, right? Well,
let's see. The way I want to be loved is X, Y,
and Z. And so the way I'm going to get what I
really want is I'm going to learn her love language
and I'm going to do that and then sort of go,
okay, she's going to love me that way now. That's
not scriptural. And by the way, God doesn't do
that. God blesses a cheerful giver. There is
a kingdom principle. That when from the right
heart you are generous and you give, when you
expect nothing in return, this is not a transaction.
This is, I care for you. I want to cherish you.
And you make sacrifice. And you love another,
especially your mate. The Lord will honor that.
I missed a game and I have a deep connection
with my wife. I go to bed greatly at peace. We
have that sense that we're really connected.
We're really one. That's the byproduct of foundational
marriage truth number four. I will choose to
love my wife in a specific and sacrificial way
that is meaningful to her. She is God's gift
to me, and I will cherish her as Christ loves
his bride, the church. When you wake up every
day trying to figure a way to love your mate
in a specific, meaningful, sacrificial way, I'm
just telling you, the dynamic of the whole relationship
can turn around and happen really pretty quickly.
Foundational truth number five is for women.
I will choose to encourage and respect my husband
in a specific and sacrificial way that is meaningful
to him. Are you ready, ladies? He is God's gift
to me and I will build him up with my words and
actions for the glory of Christ. So key word
here, not to be too redundant, but I don't want
to miss anything, is choose today. Choose. Yeah,
well, he wasn't very nice and we had a fight
last night and he's not stepping up as a man.
I don't want to hear it. Choose today to love
him. Jesus loves you. When you don't deserve
it, today, you're going to be an agent of the
living God. Choose, whether you feel like it
or not, to give him encouragement and respect.
He desperately longs for respect. Words of affirmation
that say, you measure up. I haven't told you
lately, you're a good dad. I haven't told you
lately, you get up and... You go to work. Thank
you. You're a good listener. When we both come
home from work and you jump in and help me cook.
Now, I don't do that because I can't cook. But
I mean, I've got a couple of my sons that that's
just part of their deal. The love language to
their wife is, yeah, I help in the kitchen. But
ask yourself, listening, making love with your
husband, letting him know that you value him,
that you care for him, asking him questions.
He just desperately needs encouragement. How
did it go today? And okay, the fact that he doesn't
or is not very good at communicating what's going
on inside doesn't mean you can't get there. Probe
with some questions. Be gentle. Affirm him. What's
really bothering you? What one thing could I
pray for you? What's his love language? And then
just like I asked them in, discover what his
love language is. Is it a gift? Is it quality
time? What we've learned, at least in our marriage,
is let's find a love language that's true of
both of us. And number two for both of us is
quality time. Some of you think that most of
my life, other than preaching and teaching God's
Word or maybe traveling a little bit, basically
all I do is drink coffee. And there may be some
truth to that, but when I was a kid, part of
the dynamic of our home. We weren't born again,
Bible reading Christians. We were social Christians,
but I will tell you, we ate breakfast together.
We ate dinner together. And when we got done,
you pushed the plate to the middle. People didn't
get up and run around and you'd get a cup of
coffee. Even at three, I didn't like milk. If
I drank half milk, they'd put coffee in there
and we would talk and we would share. And something
happened in my psyche that a cup of coffee and
a deep conversation go together. I bet a thousand
plus times when I felt like we're not really
connected, I'll turn to Teresa and say, hey,
you want to go get a cup of coffee? And I think
what she knows is you want to have a good talk
and get out of wherever we are. And sometimes
she's more practical. You think we could just
make it here and go out on the porch? Yeah, that
would work as well. But ladies, love them in
a way that's specific. and meaningful to him.
Communicate, I want to be around you. I love
you. I'm for you. Thank you for coming through
for me. The passage is Proverbs 31, 10 to 12,
a noble wife or a wife of noble character who
can find. She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks
nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life. Many, many, many years
ago, I remember we were talking about this passage.
And Teresa, just in passing, said, Chip, do you
know one thing I pray every single day of my
life? And this is my heart before the Lord. I
pray that I would do you good and not harm all.
the days of my life. And I think God's answering
that prayer. I feel that. I get to experience
that. And so ladies, let me encourage you that
your husband is in desperate need of feeling
loved. And for some, it might be, hey, here's
tickets to a great ball game. Or I know you and
one of the guys love to do this. And so I just
want to let you know that I'm going to go do
this with the girls. Have fun. Go play golf.
I don't know what it is. but you do. If you each
and every day, and I'm speaking to both of you,
if each and every day I will choose to love my
husband or my wife in a specific, meaningful,
sacrificial way, and then you did something,
doesn't have to be big, and you did something
every single day, I am telling you, It's like
putting money in a bank. It's like putting emotional
money in a bank. It's like putting spiritual
money in a bank. It's like communicating God's
favor, God's love. And guess what love does?
It covers a multitude of sins. You're gonna make
mistakes. I'm gonna make mistakes. Everyone makes
mistakes. You're gonna sin. I'm gonna sin. You're
gonna do things that you're really sorry for.
Love is powerful. Love never fails. Love is a
verb. Love is action. Love is choosing, especially
when we don't feel like it, to do for another
person what they need the most, when they deserve
it the least, at great personal cost. When we
give love away, when we do things that are sacrificial
and they cost us time, And it cost us money.
And at times, maybe it cost us reputation. And
when we give up some things that we really want
to serve and really care for someone else, especially
in our homes, you know what your kids see? They
see love. They see Jesus manifested. You know
what gets birthed inside your kids' hearts? Someday,
someway, I would love to have a marriage. like
my mom and dad's. See, the Great Commission,
making disciples of every nation, it has to start
under our own roofs. And I understand. Believe
me, I know there's a lot of people that you have
tears right now thinking, I wish I'd heard this
five years ago, or I'm lonely and it's difficult
right now. We're going to talk about some of
those other special times. But I'm talking to
people that are married right now. And I want
to talk especially to those of you that haven't
even said anything. But those little lies are
creeping into your brain and some other people
are looking kind of good and you're kind of bored.
And it's not really bad, but it's not overly
fulfilling. And you're filling your mind with
enough. TV and Netflix and junk that makes it
look like all the fun and all the joy is all
the hot stuff That's out there somewhere and
it is a lie from the pit of hell And you need
to get a hold of your mind and you need to look
at what you already have and you need to believe
what's going to last forever and be the man in
your home that God is calling you to be and be
the woman in your home that God is calling you
to be. And just realize it's going to take a
lot of hard work and you're going to have to
fight for your marriage. And when you do as you
do. You'll make it through all kind of difficult,
challenging, painful, hard things. And you will
draw closer and closer and closer and you will
get to know God in ways that you never dreamed.
That kind of a marriage is like light spreading
out in your neighborhood, in your workplace,
in your church, in your community. And you just
might find people saying, could you help me understand
where you two get this hope that's in you? You've
got this vibe for one another. You got this connection
with one another. You got this something that
I'm desperate for with one another. Where and
how do you get that? And I don't want to be trite,
but the answer is Jesus. It's Jesus having the
freedom to live his life inside of you with full
control. So your mate gets loved the way Jesus
wants to love him. And it's you connecting with
him and letting him love you to such a degree
that you actually have something to give. Lord,
we pray that you would fill us with a deep sense
of your love so that we might love our mates
today specifically, meaningfully, sacrificially
in ways like never before for their good. and
for your glory. We pray this in Jesus' name.
Amen. You're listening to Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram. And the message you just heard,
the 50 -50 lie, is from our series, Uninvited
Guests, recognizing and resisting the attacks
on your family. Well, Chip's joined me in studio
now to share something with all of you. Thanks,
Dave. Each and every day, we get letters and
emails. It's like, Chip, here's my situation.
What should I do? I want your counsel. I want
your advice. And part of that is because I think
we've shared pretty openly. Early in our marriage,
Teresa and I really struggled. We weren't Christians
until we were adults. And then when we got married,
coming from alcoholic homes, we had to really
work and we really had to learn. And so if I
have anything to say that might help your marriage,
I wrote a book called Marriage That Works, and
then I took the best things out of that book
and put it in some cards with a game plan that
helps ordinary people begin to think about lies
they're believing and foundational truths they
need to believe and how to get that in their
mind, then their heart, and into their actions.
And so if you would like some counsel from me,
Marriage That Works truth cards are what we want
to put in people's hands to give them a shorter,
powerful, specific way to grow in their marriage,
whether it's kind of in the pits and you need
to get out, or whether it's pretty good and you
want it to be great, or whether it's really good
and you want to keep it that way. So, Dave, take
a minute now, if you will, and share with people
how they can get these cards. Sure, Chip. It's
actually really simple. Throughout this entire
series, for anyone who chooses to become a monthly
partner with Living on the Edge, we'll send you
these new Marriage That Works truth cards as
our way of saying thanks. So please pray about
supporting us. Your gifts have an eternal impact
as we fight for marriages and families everywhere.
To learn how to become a monthly partner, visit
livingontheedge .org or call us at 888 -333 -6003.
That's 888 -333 -6003 or go to livingontheedge
.org. App listeners, tap donate. Well, from all
of us here, I'm Dave Drewy, thanking you for
listening to this edition of Living on the Edge,
and I hope you'll join us again next time.