One of the most enchanting, yet often misleading
phrases in all of literature is, and they lived
happily ever after. Now, it's completely natural
to desire a wonderful relationship. The problem
is when couples believe that marrying the right
person will guarantee them a fulfilling life
without any challenges. Coming up on Living on
the Edge, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, confronts
this common misconception about marriage and
challenges us to consider what it takes to be
committed to someone for life. I'm Dave Drewy.
Thanks for being with us as we continue our series
on invited guests. In this program, Chip continues
to identify the bedrock truths of a godly marriage
and what you can do to preserve these building
blocks in your relationship. All right, if you
have a Bible, go to James chapter 1 now as we
join Chip for his talk, The Myth of Happily Ever
After. Marriage is an unconditional commitment
to an imperfect person. Let me say that again.
Marriage is an unconditional commitment. In other
words, good, bad, hard, easy, great, difficult.
You're committed to an imperfect person. We're
all married to imperfect people. That means that
wonderful, amazing, loving, over -the -top wife
or husband that you have will have a few days,
and hopefully it's just a few days, where they
won't be so amazing. And they won't be so wonderful.
In fact, they'll make mistakes that drive you
crazy. It's worse than mistakes. They'll sin
against you. On a bad day, their flesh will take
over and they will say some things that everything
in them wish they could take back, but they can't.
And they'll wound you. And they'll do some things
that you could never believe. As amazing and
great and wonderful as they are, how could they
ever do that? We can love Jesus with all of our
heart, and yet there are times, there are days.
I mean, read the Bible. Men and women of great
faith, men who love God, women who love God,
there are moments, weak moments, where they do
very selfish, sinful things. And so that means
there's going to be challenges. That's just reality.
No one married a perfect person. On top of that,
If you have the most wonderful, the most loving,
the most committed marriage, you're on the same
page. We get before God. We are in community.
We are on mission. We read books about marriage.
We are absolutely committed to having a great,
great marriage. There's external forces. There's
times where a job will get lost. You'll be betrayed
at work. You'll have a financial setback. You'll
have a medical issue that you didn't see coming.
Hurricanes happen to Christians. Drunk drivers
go left of center and hit Christians. Some of
you will experience great loss of someone close
to you that will impact your marriage. For some,
and I pray this doesn't happen to anyone, but
some will lose a child. And it is the most difficult.
The most challenging of all things for any couple
to come through. I have a couple of very, very
close friends who lost children in their teenage
years. Very strong marriages. And it was very
painful and very difficult as each dealt with
it quite differently and asking for God's grace
to get through it. The world we're living in
now, there's a good chance that one of you will
be struggling with some mental health issues,
anxiety issues, panic attacks, depression. Where
do we go from here? And that doesn't even account
the normal things, right? Well, if the goal was
to make you very discouraged and depressed and
give you some really negative expectations, I
probably did that. But that's not why I'm sharing
these things. Remember, Lies tear down your relationship.
Truth is what builds it up. Foundational truth
number one is you can't live this life, I can't
live this life without the supernatural power
of God. And so following Jesus personally is
the number one priority. Foundational truth number
two is I must choose to love my mate, whether
I feel like it or not. Foundational truth number
three, we will have ongoing challenges with communication,
sex, finances, parenting, and extended family.
These issues are not deal breakers, they are
heart makers as we learn to listen, understand,
and follow God's path. In marriages that aren't
prepared, You'll see each of these barriers as
excuses and the enemy will whisper, see, this
isn't the right person. Oh, this is too hard.
This is too hopeless. No, it's normal. You're
going to have issues with your in -laws. You're
going to have issues in your sex life, your communication,
your parenting. These are all normal. And there
are going to be some things that you can't control
that will come into your sphere of influence.
And if you have children into their life, that
will produce incredible pressure and stress.
Those issues don't have to be deal breakers.
They can actually become heart makers. When you
go through some of the hardest times you'll ever
face, And as you cling together and cling to
the Lord and trust him, and it doesn't mean it
won't be hard. It doesn't mean you might get
out of sorts with one another, but you will come
through those times stronger and better. These
barriers don't mean something's wrong. They mean
you're living in a fallen world with an imperfect
person, but with a sovereign God who loves you
and is for you. and wants to give you the support
and love that you need through this person called
your husband or your wife. So here's the truth
that I want you to get. Here's the passage. Consider
it all joy when these things happen in your life.
There's conflict, difficulty, medical issues,
external or internal, when you're stuck in your
relationship. Consider it all joy, my brethren,
when you encounter various trials. knowing that
the testing of your faith produces endurance.
And let endurance have its perfect result so
that you may be perfect and complete, lacking
in nothing. And then it has this caveat. But
if any of you lacks wisdom, in other words, I
don't know what to do with this problem in our
sex life. I don't know what to do with this issue
with your in -laws. I don't know what to do because
We don't have the money to address this issue,
and you've got cancer. I don't know what to do
because I lost my job. Should we relocate? I
don't know what to do about one of our children,
right? Are you getting the idea? If any of you
lack wisdom, let him ask of God, and then notice,
who gives to all men generously and without reproach.
Without reproach means sometimes. Are you ready?
Sometimes you have a problem. But that problem
isn't because someone out there did something
to you. That problem isn't because of even your
mate. That problem is because of you. You made
a mistake or you sinned. You did something that
was really, really unwise. And now you have the
consequences. And when we experience that, our
emotions and our mind says, I can't come to God.
God's not going to help me. And this passage
says, When you're in a difficult, challenging,
painful time, even if it was your fault, you
come to your heavenly father and he's generous.
It's an amazing New Testament word. He's generous.
He's lavish with his mercy. He wants to forgive.
He wants to help. He wants to give grace. You
won't get a God whose arms are crossed. See,
I told you not to do that and you did it anyway.
You'll come to a God when you genuinely, I need
your help. Show me what to do. And notice the
promise. When you come to your heavenly father,
he'll give you wisdom. The passage goes on, but
let him ask in faith without any doubting. Because
the one who doubts is like a person who's tossed
by every wind or on the waves of the sea. Let
not that person expect to receive anything from
the Lord. And the issue there is. You can't come
to God and say, I really want your counsel. I
really want to know what we should do about this
issue in our marriage or this external trial.
And I'm going to take it under consideration,
whatever you tell me, God. God says, no, no wisdom,
sorry. But when you come to God, you say, Lord,
I don't know what to do. I lost my job. My husband's
got cancer. One of my kids needs special treatment
and we don't have the money. You're going to
have times where it's difficult, where it's challenging,
where you don't know what to do. I know for me,
I've shared this a number of times, but I was
praying about a huge struggle in our marriage
and we couldn't fix it. And the Lord whispered,
go to counseling. And it was, what? That's for
losers. That's for people who can't fix themselves.
And the Holy Spirit said, no, that's for people
that are humble, people that recognize they need
help. And I pushed against it. And then finally
I realized, You know what? That's just my pride.
So I just want to encourage you. If you're willing
to say, Lord, whatever you show me, I'll do it.
His promise in this passage, he'll give you wisdom.
Now notice, these are normal things that are
going to happen, right? Some that are very predictable
in every marriage. Some that are external. Some
of you have some extra baggage. Teresa and I
both came from alcoholic families. Wow, that's
like putting steroids in this whole mix. But
the command, how do you handle it? Consider it
all joy. The word consider, it's an accounting
term. This isn't like, oh great, we're going
through cancer together. Or, oh great, one of
our kids is really sick. Or, oh great, we can't
sort of figure out this area of our marriage.
No, this is a reality. It's very challenging.
It's very painful. We hurt. And we're going to
take this reality and it's an accounting term.
It'd be like a ledger where you're listing all
the different things. You know, these are my
assets. These are my liabilities. And then you
look at them and you examine them. Consider it
all literally unmitigated. The word is or pure
joy. Well, how could you ever do that? The next
line, when you encounter various trials, not
if. When you encounter, and this word for various
trials is when external trials, when stuff comes
into your world that you didn't plan. Remember
the story of the Good Samaritan? It's when he
was surrounded by robbers. This is this word.
So stuff comes in your life. You can't control
the economy. You can't control a flood. You can't
control a hurricane. Where I live, you can't
control earthquakes. Those things happen in our
world and they impact us and they impact our
marriages. How do you respond? How do you go
through, Teresa and I went through cancer. It
was a heart maker. It wasn't a deal breaker.
Was it scary? Did we cry out to God together?
Did I pray like never before? You bet I did.
Why? Because I was desperate and I loved my wife
and I didn't want to lose her. I know he's good.
I know he cares about me, but did I get before
him and fast and pray and say, Lord, would you
please grant us more years? And in my particular
case, the answer was yes. And some of my closest
friends, the answer was, I'm bringing my son,
I'm bringing my daughter home. I will give you
the grace to get through this. You're listening
to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll
be right back to finish today's message. But
first, if this new series from Chip has inspired
you, consider joining the Living on the Edge
team. In fact, let me encourage you to stick
around after the teaching to hear about a special
gift we have for those who become monthly partners.
You're not going to want to miss out. But until
then, here again is Chip. So he says, consider
it all joy when you encounter, not if. various
kinds of trials. And that's the first command.
And that's, again, a choice. That's not emotion.
I'm going to look at this very difficult situation,
whether it's internal or external. And I'm going
to examine it knowing that the testing of my
faith, that's what this is. Am I going to trust
that God is sovereign? Am I going to trust that
he's good? Am I going to trust that he's going
to get me through this? Am I going to trust that
he'll use it for my good somehow, someway? Which
is the whole message of the last third of the
book of Genesis. The whole story of Joseph has
one point. What does a good God do in a fallen
world when people experience extreme injustice?
And whether it's being sold into slavery by his
brother, by being falsely accused by Potiphar's
wife, being forgotten in prison. Each and every
time the text says, and the Lord was with Joseph.
And what God did is he built capacity in this
man through all those difficulties that gave
him the wisdom and the resilience to be a man
he would greatly use as the second most powerful
person in the world. I don't know God's plans
for my life. You don't know God's plans for your
life or for your wife or your husband or your
kids. But it's in these challenges, in these
painful, difficult times, that's how God works.
But it's out of his goodness and his kindness.
It's not about punishment. He loves us and he
cares for us. And so he says, if you will endure,
if you won't bail out, if you won't blame your
mate, the Lord can use this. And I just want
you to know that's got to be one of your building
blocks. Because this isn't about if it's going
to happen. Some of you are laughing, thinking,
we've already been through a lot of hard times.
And others, it's a little new. But when you build
this into, this is how I think about marriage.
This is going to be a part of the foundational
building blocks. We will go through difficult
times, choosing to count it all joy, knowing
that through that process, we will become more
like Jesus. And that somehow, someway, that God
in his love and sovereignty, we may not be able
to see it now, we may not be able to see it for
quite a while, but a good God will even use the
evil aimed at us, the betrayal aimed at us, the
injustice aimed at us, and he'll flip it and
turn it for our good. And I'm finding myself
saying this a lot more these days than I even
did five or ten years ago, but one of the great
beauties of entering my seventh decade is my
rear view mirror is way bigger than most of yours.
I can now look back at the biggest, hardest,
most difficult, this isn't fair type experiences
that I've had and God's kindness and sovereignty,
faithfulness and love for me turns so many of
those into things that I think I beg God to take
that away. I beg God to get out of that as soon
as possible. And I was wondering if he even cared
about me. And now where I am today, what's happened
today, who I'm with today, and how God is working
today, none of that could have happened unless
that occurred. So I just want to encourage you.
You can trust him. And the next building block
is, I'm going to go from number three to number
six because they really go together. Foundational
truth number six, I will not consider divorce
as an option and I will never threaten my spouse
with divorce. I have made a holy and binding
covenant before God to let nothing undermine
our lifelong commitment. And the reason I wanted
to share this one next to the one about challenges,
because it's during these kind of challenges
that the enemy whispers or some well -intended
friends kind of whisper. You just can't keep
living that way. That's so unfair. That's so
difficult. He'll never change. She'll never change.
Or private thoughts will whisper like, you'll
just sit alone sometimes at a stoplight and you
get a beep, beep, beep because you were lost
in space. It's been green for a couple seconds.
And where your mind went was, I just can't take
this anymore. Right? I just can't take this anymore.
She. is never going to change, or he is never
going to change. This is a lifeless marriage.
I just can't perceive. I can't emotionally think
about living like this the rest of my life. Anything,
anything is better than this. Yeah, it'll be
hard. Kids are resilient. They'll all bounce
back. This won't have big impact on them. Lie,
lie, lie, lie, lie. Now, There are some very
unique cases when divorce may be something to
consider. When you or your children are not safe,
when you're married to someone who is unfaithful
sexually on a regular basis and won't change.
I've got a situation I'm aware of where the man
just simply won't work and lays it all on his
wife. that's a moment where I may not have biblical
grounds, but I need to get some help and go to
my church, talk to my pastor, and begin a game
plan that puts the responsibility back in that
person's court. So I'm not saying there aren't
exceptions, but what I am saying is that by and
large, we in the church, we don't take this seriously.
Listen to the words of Jesus, Matthew 19, six
through nine. So they are no longer two, but
one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together,
let no one separate. Why then, they asked, did
Moses commend that a man leave his wife and give
her a certificate of divorce and send her away?
Jesus replied, Moses permitted you to divorce
your wives because your hearts were hard. But
it was not that way from the beginning. I tell
you that anyone, listen carefully, who divorces
his wife except for sexual immorality. and marries
another, commits adultery. That word for sexual
immorality is the most general word in scripture.
It's pornea. We got our word pornography. It's
a violation of the holy covenant. We have some
good material and others do about certain unique
conditions when divorce is a biblical possibility.
I obviously believe there's some biblical grounds
for divorce or I would have not married a woman
who was abandoned as an unbeliever. And on the
grounds of adultery, got a divorce. What I'm
saying in the contemporary church today, we act
as though this verse is not there. And if we're
unhappy or things don't really work out, we divorce
casually. We used to go to this church. Now we
just go to another church in town and we think
everything's okay. I've got news for you. There
are consequences when you disobey God. And they're
big consequences. And so if you're one of those
people listening to me and thinking, oh, wow,
I didn't have biblical grounds. It wasn't immorality.
I was very unhappy. I got a divorce. That was
two years ago, five years ago, 10 years ago,
and now I've remarried. Well, what do I do? Repent.
Now, the Bible is clear. Don't go divorce this
wife and try and make it back to the other one.
Tell God, I blew it. Will you forgive me? It
was a sin. And for some of you, I just want to
encourage you, you were the victim. Someone ran
off with someone else. You were the victim that
they got into pornography or got involved in
some perverted things. And you feel like maybe
there's no hope. In those cases, God wants you
to know there's hope. First and foremost, he
will be there for you. If you find yourself being
abandoned by someone or someone has left you,
Can you just not, for at least a year or 18 months,
get involved in any other relationship? You are
so vulnerable, and what I can guarantee is you
will get in a relationship that will bring more
and more pain, and you'll be tempted to cross
some boundaries. Refuse as a married couple to
entertain divorce as an option. God hates it.
you need to learn to hate it. And if it becomes
an option, you will not endure. You won't consider
it all joy and you'll find yourself going down
a path and all the research says your kids won't
just bounce back. It will follow them all the
way into adulthood. We have glossed over things
because we don't want to face the hard truth
that when you violate God's command of the most
precious vow you've ever made and the sacred
trust, of a wife or a husband and children, when
you mess around with that, you bring destruction
in your life. There's always forgiveness with
repentance, and God's kindness and love is always
available, but it almost always comes with consequences.
And so let me encourage those of you that are
married, would you covenant with God in your
mate? Never use this word. Never threaten with
this word. Never consider this word. I actually
have a friend, true story. Shortly after he got
married, he took real thin knives and he got
a dictionary out. And he and his wife opened
up a dictionary and they actually cut the word
divorce out. So it's not in their dictionary.
And they said, we will never use this word in
a conversation with one another. That's kind
of symbolic, but that's how drastic you need
to be. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram,
and you've been listening to Chip's message,
The Myth of Happily Ever After, from our series,
Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting the
attacks on your family. Well, before we go any
further, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, is with
us to share a quick word with all of you. Chip?
Thanks, Dave. Over the years, I've counseled
hundreds of couples, and I've heard one thing
over and over. We've just fallen out of love.
Now we just have disagreements and disappointments,
and we annoy one another. We're Christians. We
know God's plan, but we just can't make it work.
And what I can tell you is that there's lies
that couples are believing that lead to divorce
that literally crush their kids and bring about
regret and heartache at levels that they can't
imagine. And if I would have believed those things,
Teresa and I would not be married today. But
thankfully, it was the truth that we got from
a marriage counselor. When we felt like we were
falling out of love, when we couldn't make things
work, we got the truth in our mind to begin to
work through the tough areas of our marriage.
And now, decades later, we've created Marriage
That Works truth cards to give you what God used
to transform our marriage. And I'll tell you
what, if you'll review a few of these every single
day for 30 days, 60 days, your thinking will
change, you'll be glad you did, and your kids
will be glad you did. So, Dave, take a minute
now and share with people how they can get these
cards. Sure, Chip. It's actually really simple.
Throughout this entire series, for anyone who
chooses to become a monthly partner with Living
on the Edge, we'll send you these new Marriage
That Works Truth Cards as our way of saying thanks.
So please pray about supporting us. Your gifts
have an eternal impact as we fight for marriages
and families everywhere. To learn how to become
a monthly partner, visit livingontheedge .org
or call us at 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333
-6003 or go to livingontheedge .org. App listeners,
tap donate. Join us next time as Chip continues
his series, Uninvited Guests. Until then, I'm
Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening to this
edition of Living on the Edge.