The book of Proverbs reminds us that life and
death are in the power of the tongue. So how
we use our words matters, especially when we
talk to and about our spouse. Coming up on Living
on the Edge, we'll delve deeper into this subject,
including how to navigate conflict with understanding
and forgiveness. I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks for joining
us today as our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, continues
to guide us through our series, Uninvited Guests.
So far, he's highlighted 13 lies that couples
have unknowingly accepted, which can subtly undermine
their marriage. In just a minute, he'll identify
a few more that relate to this topic of communication,
an area that every couple can improve on. So
if you haven't already, consider inviting a few
married friends to join you in this series. Everyone
can listen at livingontheedge .org or wherever
you listen to podcasts. All right, here now is
Chip with his talk, Words That Wound. truth that
heals. Did you ever wonder why just a little
comment can cause such a big argument? Your spouse
says some little thing, or you say some little
thing, and all of a sudden you find yourself
like, whoa, where did that reaction come from?
And for the life of you, it was like, I can't
figure out what happened here. This is nuts.
I mean, I didn't say anything that should be
offensive. And as we look at misbelief number
14 and number 15, I want to give you maybe some
insight that'll be really helpful. I want to
talk first to you women. Misbelief number 14
is my husband's attitude makes no sense to me.
He gets so upset when I make even the smallest
comment in front of others about something he
did wrong. We've all been here. You and another
couple are going to a restaurant or maybe you're
going to a concert. And it's a really big parking
lot. You are sitting in the front seat with your
husband and you're driving around and he's surveying
the parking lot, doing what men do, looking for
a spot. Now in his mind, there's a lot of issues
about this spot that he's not saying. One of
the issues is he doesn't want to be too close
because This is a fairly new car and he doesn't
want to get bumped. Another is he's thinking
ahead, thinking, you know what, man, there's
a lot of people here. I don't want to be stuck
for an hour getting out of here. So he's wandering
in places that you don't understand. First once
and then twice, then like three times. Oh, oh,
oh, dear, dear, right here, right here. Park
here, park here, park here. And he kind of glances
at the back seat and then he drives a little
bit farther. Didn't you see that one? Look, quick,
that other car's going to get it. If you go to
the other side and you go turn and then you get
a look from him that is a little stronger than
if there wasn't another couple, he might say
something he'd regret. So you keep driving and
then he eventually parks the car. You all get
out. You begin walking toward the restaurant
or the concert and being the perceptive wife
that you are, you recognize that there might
be something wrong. And you turn to him as you're
walking because he looks very silent. His body
language has stiffened. You sort of reach out
to hold his hand. And he makes it evident that
he doesn't want to hold your hand. And you're
thinking, wait a second. This was supposed to
be a date. These are with our really good friends.
This is one of our favorite restaurants. Or this
is a concert we've all been waiting to go to.
And what's with him? And you can't get it out
of him. And he's cold most of the night. And
finally, you drop the other couple off and you
get in the car and Mr. Stoic is still Mr. Stoic.
And you turn to him and you say, you just about
ruined our evening. We had this plan for a long
time and those tickets cost quite a bit of money.
And I was so looking forward to being with you.
And then you just turned like a cold fish. What's
wrong with you? And he's silent. No, I mean it.
What's wrong with you? And you finally probe
and probe and probe. And finally, he tells you.
And in your mind, you're thinking, Are you kidding
me? You mean our whole evening was semi -ruined
from my perspective because I was trying to help?
I was just trying to help you find a parking
spot and that little comment made you respond
like that? And I'm guessing this is not like
the only illustration. That's the most benign
one I can give you. I've experienced that more
than a few times. You know, I have all adult
children now. And whether it's Christmas or a
Thanksgiving or a vacation or something, everyone's
there. And there's a lot of joking that goes
on, and I'm the butt of a lot of it. I don't
know, maybe it's being a pastor. I think my kids
got sick of hearing people don't really know
me very well. They think your dad's so wonderful.
And so I think one of our goals in life is to
make sure he stays humble at home. And so they
give me a hard time about everything. I mean,
if I say something crazy or... tell a wrong illustration.
It's like the roast goes on. And so we're all
together and we're all talking about something
and it's usually pretty good natured. And Teresa
goes into this whole story about, I can't fix
anything. I'm just inept and I can't fix anything.
Well, it's true. And usually it can be a joke,
but I remember as she shared that and it was
all funny and everyone was laughing. I wasn't
laughing. I mean, on the outside, I smiled and
I laughed, but it really hurt. And that may be
true, but in front of my grown kids, it was like
a little dart. It made me so sad because what
I realized is I didn't want to be around her.
I mean, I love my wife. She said what was true
in front of my kids and everyone's laughing.
I can't fix anything. So why did that hurt so
much? And let me tell you, ladies, this is why
it hurts so much. And this is why you have to
really guard your mouth. And later, men, I'll
talk about why you need to guard your mouth.
The lie is my husband's attitude makes no sense
to me. He gets so upset even when the smallest
comment in front of others, when he did something
wrong. Well, here's the truth and here's why.
Husbands fear futility, the sense that they don't
measure up. That's why affirmation, refusing
to criticize publicly, and physical intimacy
builds up his confidence. I don't care how successful
your husband is. I don't care if he's built like
Atlas and lifts weights. I don't care if he's
wealthy and powerful. I don't care what kind
of job he has. I don't care if it's construction
or he's a genius in computer programming. Every
single man on the face of the earth fears futility.
Do I measure up? And a little comment that communicates
Okay, maybe it shouldn't threaten a man for someone
to tell him where to park, but the message that
a man hears is, do you think I'm an idiot? You
think I can't figure out where to park? You don't
think I have a brain? I'm not your son? You don't
think I've got a few things that I'm thinking
about where to park that might be a little bit
different than you? I don't need help in this
one. That's where that emotion is. And, you know,
I've tried to use the kind of illustrations that
seem so mild. How in the world could they produce
that? But some of you know, you've said really
critical things to a friend about your husband
and it gets back to him. Critical things that
make him feel like he doesn't measure up. In
fact, you've said them to him. If you don't get
anything else out of this message, you need to
grasp that your husband more than anything else.
believes that your opinion is the most important
opinion in the entire world. Write that down,
jot it down, do something. Your husband believes
that your opinion is the most important opinion
in the entire world. I happen to do a job where
I'm in front of lots of people, at times thousands
of people, and I'll go to airports and be picking
up my bag. Oh, I recognize that voice. Are you
Chip? Yeah, I listen to Living on the Edge. Blah,
blah, blah. After a service, I want to tell you
that's the best message I've ever heard in my
whole life. And what I know is it's not the best
message. What I know is I've been used by God.
And what I've learned over the years is, thank
you, Lord. I want to be your PVC pipe that your
grace can flow through. And in my wife's experience,
she goes, you get so much praise. How in the
world do you handle that? And I said, by and
large, I appreciate. They're really trying to
say thanks to God, but they need to see someone,
and I happen to be the person, and it's a stewardship,
and I need to listen and sort of deflect and
make sure that, hey, thanks, I was glad to be
a part of God's work in your life. But when my
wife tells me, Chip, I've heard you speak a lot
of times. Wow, I saw God's power. You were up
at the wee hours of the morning. Man, you were
really preparing. I've seen you pray. I know
how much pressure you felt. That message, the
way it could have gone because it's very controversial.
Chip, I'm really proud of you. That, ladies,
is worth 100 ,000 comments from people all over
the world that I don't know. And so I just want
to encourage you that words of affirmation, and
especially if your husband's lost his job, if
he's going through a rough time, if he's doubting
himself, can I be so bold to say, You need to
give words of affirmation. And I know this is
a family program, but you initiating making love
with him will tell him more about how he's loved
and affirmed and cared for. And certainly the
act of intimacy is important, but it's way more
being naked and unashamed, being valued just
for who you are. You bring nothing to the table.
And someone in this world loves you and loves
you deeply. And what I would be very quick to
give you is, Philippians 2, 3, and 4. And it's
a verse worth memorizing. Do nothing from selfish
ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility,
value others above yourselves, not looking to
your own interests, but each of you to the interests
of others. You're listening to Living on the
Edge with Chip Ingram. And before he continues
our new series, Uninvited Guests. I want to remind
you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples
and parents are only possible because of listeners
like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep
listening after today's message as Chip shares
more of his heart for preserving the family and
why now is a great time to partner with us in
this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now,
let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk. And
women are not the only ones, gentlemen, who say
insensitive things. and that are clueless about
why a certain word could cause such wounds and
such damage and such arguments. Let me give you
some of the private thoughts of men. Ladies,
you might be interested in this. Here's the misbelief.
My wife's attitude makes no sense to me. If I
joke about her gaining a little weight or I take
notice even slightly of another woman, she comes
unglued. I don't get it. I was just joking. I
just said, hey, hon, looks like you put on a
couple pounds. And then she shut down. Or you're
in a restaurant and a beautiful woman walks by.
We're all human. God made people very beautiful.
And maybe this person has a very lovely figure
and decided not to put much on to cover it. And
being a human and being a man, you look. That's
one thing. It's the glue of your eyes as that
occurs. And your wife is like, what's going on?
What is going on? In fact, if you want to know,
gentlemen, why porn is so, so devastating for
a wife to discover, or for some of you that are
dating, if you discover it about your boyfriend,
porn gets at the heart of why all these things
I'm talking about is painful, devastating, can
shut a woman down and make her feel very, very
unloved. The misbelief is my wife's attitude
makes no sense to me when I joke about gaining
a little weight or I take even a little notice
of other women. She comes unglued. Here's the
truth. Women fear abandonment, of losing the
relationship. That's why saying I love you, being
a good listener, and showing affection in public
build up her sense of belonging. Just as you
feel like I don't measure up, am I really a man?
Women, by and large, fear, are you going to leave
me? Are you going to abandon me? Am I not good
enough so that you have to stare in front of
the screen of make -believe people who have their
bodies shot up with stuff and pretend worlds?
Am I not good enough that your attention goes
to another woman? Do you love me or just if my
body isn't what it used to be? You really don't
love me. You just love me for how I looked. That's
what's going through her mind. That's why that
little comment is not a little comment. And that's
why, men, you need to communicate that you love
her. And I know I've heard all the jokes like,
I told her I love her when we got married. And,
you know, she ought to remember that. I have
learned and I've gone into training. I probably
tell my wife that I love her multiple times a
day. Teaching this right now has been an encouragement
because, as most of you know, I didn't get these
misbeliefs out of a book somewhere. It wasn't
like, hey, Chip, here's a great book on misbeliefs
about marriage and relationships. Why don't you
write those down and come up with some messages?
I got all these misbeliefs from my own personal
experience, from the study of God's Word, and
from countless hours of meeting with men and
women. who could have had great relationships,
who actually squandered them because they started
believing lies like, when the right person comes
into my life, then everything's going to be okay.
If my husband would only do this, then everything
would be great. If my wife would only do this,
then everything would be great. The fact of the
matter is that women fear abandonment and we
need to communicate, I love you. I don't love
you just for the way you look. I don't love you
for what you bring. I don't love you just for
what you do. I love you. I am for you. And by
the way, that can be very, very generic, so you
need to get it specific. I love you because of
the way you're faithful to me and the way that
you listen. I love you because I watch how you
treat our children. I love you because every
time we're around, in my case, women that are
hurting and no one cares about, I see the love
of Christ. come through you into their lives.
I love you because you remind me that we're all
desperate. And someday I would love to learn
to pray the way that you pray. I love you because
you inspire me to walk with God. I love you,
sometimes not as much as I'd like to, when you
are so about integrity, integrity, integrity,
and little tiny things. And I'm thinking you're
being a little legalistic. And the fact of the
matter is maybe I was being a little bit loose.
Your wives so desperately need to hear that kind
of affirmation. And then you need to be, are
you ready? I mean, all the research is in. A
woman likely feels more loved when you do this
one thing than almost any other thing. And it's
what we as men are no good at, by and large.
It's called listening. When you come home, you
need to... stop in the driveway or get off the
train or get off the bus or get off the bike,
whatever you do, you get home. For those of us
that work outside our home, or if you work inside
the home, then shut down your computer and move
from another room and take a lap or two around
the house and then say, okay, I'm entering a
new world. And whether you get home at the same
time, but when she enters, my first 15 minutes
need to be about how was your day? How are you
doing? What was the biggest challenge you had?
Tell me a little bit more about that. And maybe
they're tired and there's just a word, but listen.
And when you listen, it can't be like, yeah,
honey, tell me about that. And the TV's on over
here. Or, you know, you've got a magazine or
a book up. No, no, no, no. When you listen, you
need to lean forward, body language. I'm engaged.
It needs to be eye contact. I really want to
hear what you're saying. And then don't fix her.
Don't, oh, well, gosh, if you would have got
up earlier, that wouldn't happen. Well, I think
you should tell your boss that. Well, if I was
you, I wouldn't put up with that from your supervisor.
Did you report that in the HR? All that may be
true. She doesn't want to hear that. She doesn't
need to hear that. Here's what she needs. I love
you. I'm for you. I want to listen about your
day. And there may be a time to address some
things. But your wife needs to know that she's
precious, that she's beautiful. And I don't mean
this as manipulation. I think my wife's beautiful.
I was looking at a picture just before I came
in, and it was a picture of my wife about 20
years ago when my daughter, gosh, at least 20
years ago, my daughter was late teens. And I
saw the picture of the three of us, and I just
looked at her and I thought, she's gorgeous.
She's gorgeous. Men, here's the key. Your wife...
needs to know that she's gorgeous and she needs
to hear you say and believe you're beautiful.
You look really good in that dress. That's a
lot better than, you know, did you get some new
jeans? I think they're too tight. Guys, you say
the stupidest, dumbest things. Now, by the way,
can I say both directions for men and for women?
There may be some times where you need to say,
I'm concerned about your health. Could we have
a conversation about how much you're working?
Or I'm concerned about your health. I can tell
you you're down and you don't like yourself.
When you gain 5, 10, 15 pounds, I know you don't
like yourself right now. I want you to know I
love you, but what's the game plan? How can I
be of help? Or what do you need to do? Because
this isn't a direction. So don't hear that you
don't ever address things. What I'm saying is
you need to understand that A little comment,
a little joke, a little insensitivity from a
wife to a husband or from a husband to a wife
can be devastating. And it can produce layers
of resentment. And I will tell you, the enemy
is glad to break up your relationship, even if
it takes 10 years. But little resentments that
don't get addressed, they just get filed and
then they build up. After that becomes bitterness.
And after that is you see them through a different
lens, and it's a negative one. And that path
is devastating. The truth, women fear abandonment
of losing the relationship. That's why saying
I love you, being a good listener, and showing
affection in public build up her sense of belonging.
It's the same verse. It's Philippians 2, 3, and
4. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain
conceit. Rather, In humility, value others above
yourselves, not looking to your own interests,
but each of you to the interests of others. Here's
what I'm going to tell you. If you want your
marriage to change, because in our next time
together, I'm going to go a little bit different
direction. We're going to look at the foundation,
but you want your marriage to change. You really
want a great marriage that will produce a great
family. Then here's the deal. You need to get
these cards. And by the way, I don't want you
just to, don't even try to memorize them. What
I want you to do is I want you to get them and
put them next to your bedside. And then what
I want you to do is three, maybe four cards at
the most. When you get up, sit up in bed. Don't
turn on your phone. Don't check the Wall Street
Journal. Don't do anything. I want you just to
take a few minutes and read them out loud. If
your mate's not up, just whisper them. Two or
three of these cards. Here's the misbelief. Here's
the truth. Here's the verse. and then put them
under the stack and leave them there. Before
you go to bed, you do the same thing. I'm going
to tell you something because I've been doing
this for decades. You read that over and over
and over and over and over and that misbelief
and you say the word stop out loud and then you
flip the card over and this is the truth and
here's the passage. You will unconsciously find
yourself doing things that you never did before.
I unconsciously now walk by the trash can and
realize it's full. I never even saw it before
and I take it out. I walk into the room and she's
done all the laundry and my mind goes to she
will feel affirmed and loved if I put it away
right now. So that's I did it. I never did that
before. Something comes out of my mouth that
encourages her. Why? Because I have gone into
training so that these attitudes and these responses
are the ones I know God wants for me, the ones
I want. But just reading a book or trying hard
will not change very much. You have to renew
your mind. If you want a great marriage, you
have to fight for it. This is Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to
Chip's message, Words that Wound, Truth that
Heals, from our series, Uninvited Guests, Recognizing
and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family. Well,
our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, is back in studio
with me. And Chip, throughout this series, you've
invited our listeners to become monthly financial
partners. Now, take a minute, if you would, and
explain why we've devoted so much time and energy
to asking people to join us. Dave, there's a
very, very simple reason. The backbone of our
ministry is people who are on the team. The second
thing is, is we have people give at all different
levels and we're thankful for all of them, but
we never know what's coming in. When people are
on the team and people give monthly, guess what?
You begin to build a baseline that you can know
this amount of money is going to come in each
month. And just like people's budget. Can you
imagine never knowing what your paycheck is going
to be and how are you going to pay your bills?
And so we wanted to emphasize monthly donors
become a part of the family. They become a part
of reaching the next generation, equipping pastors
and leaders, and discipling God's people. And
if it's $10 a month or $20 a month, $100 a month,
we leave that up to them. Move from this is great,
this is helpful to I want to be on the team.
We are committed to really making a difference.
And that means we've got to go there together.
And we need everyone to carry some of the weight.
That's why we talk about becoming monthly partners.
Our world is in desperate need. Our country's
in desperate need. Families who love Jesus are
in desperate need. We are called to make disciples,
to reach the next generation, and to equip families
and leaders to really walk with God. We want
to be a part of helping Christians live like
Christians. And if you resonate with that, let
me encourage you, become a monthly partner. Great
challenge, Chip. And please know how much we
appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support
allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry
and be ready to walk through doors that God opens
for us. And as Chip said during this entire series,
if you become a monthly financial partner of
Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest
resource, the Marriage That Works Truth Cards,
as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge
.org or by calling 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's
888 -333 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org.
App listeners, tap donate. Well, from all of
us here, I'm Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening
to this edition of Living on the Edge, and I
hope you'll join us again next time.