WEBVTT 00:00:01.260 --> 00:00:04.019 The book of Proverbs reminds us that life and 00:00:04.019 --> 00:00:06.879 death are in the power of the tongue. So how 00:00:06.879 --> 00:00:09.339 we use our words matters, especially when we 00:00:09.339 --> 00:00:12.619 talk to and about our spouse. Coming up on Living 00:00:12.619 --> 00:00:14.900 on the Edge, we'll delve deeper into this subject, 00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:17.600 including how to navigate conflict with understanding 00:00:17.600 --> 00:00:21.120 and forgiveness. I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks for joining 00:00:21.120 --> 00:00:23.440 us today as our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, continues 00:00:23.440 --> 00:00:26.699 to guide us through our series, Uninvited Guests. 00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:30.140 So far, he's highlighted 13 lies that couples 00:00:30.140 --> 00:00:33.359 have unknowingly accepted, which can subtly undermine 00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:36.200 their marriage. In just a minute, he'll identify 00:00:36.200 --> 00:00:38.859 a few more that relate to this topic of communication, 00:00:39.399 --> 00:00:42.619 an area that every couple can improve on. So 00:00:42.619 --> 00:00:44.740 if you haven't already, consider inviting a few 00:00:44.740 --> 00:00:47.640 married friends to join you in this series. Everyone 00:00:47.640 --> 00:00:51.600 can listen at livingontheedge .org or wherever 00:00:51.600 --> 00:00:54.520 you listen to podcasts. All right, here now is 00:00:54.520 --> 00:00:57.670 Chip with his talk, Words That Wound. truth that 00:00:57.670 --> 00:01:01.890 heals. Did you ever wonder why just a little 00:01:01.890 --> 00:01:06.629 comment can cause such a big argument? Your spouse 00:01:06.629 --> 00:01:10.469 says some little thing, or you say some little 00:01:10.469 --> 00:01:12.750 thing, and all of a sudden you find yourself 00:01:12.750 --> 00:01:15.349 like, whoa, where did that reaction come from? 00:01:15.489 --> 00:01:17.950 And for the life of you, it was like, I can't 00:01:17.950 --> 00:01:20.290 figure out what happened here. This is nuts. 00:01:20.370 --> 00:01:22.230 I mean, I didn't say anything that should be 00:01:22.230 --> 00:01:24.709 offensive. And as we look at misbelief number 00:01:24.709 --> 00:01:28.000 14 and number 15, I want to give you maybe some 00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:31.019 insight that'll be really helpful. I want to 00:01:31.019 --> 00:01:33.959 talk first to you women. Misbelief number 14 00:01:33.959 --> 00:01:37.200 is my husband's attitude makes no sense to me. 00:01:37.379 --> 00:01:40.579 He gets so upset when I make even the smallest 00:01:40.579 --> 00:01:43.319 comment in front of others about something he 00:01:43.319 --> 00:01:46.780 did wrong. We've all been here. You and another 00:01:46.780 --> 00:01:50.239 couple are going to a restaurant or maybe you're 00:01:50.239 --> 00:01:52.980 going to a concert. And it's a really big parking 00:01:52.980 --> 00:01:55.500 lot. You are sitting in the front seat with your 00:01:55.500 --> 00:01:59.599 husband and you're driving around and he's surveying 00:01:59.599 --> 00:02:02.319 the parking lot, doing what men do, looking for 00:02:02.319 --> 00:02:04.959 a spot. Now in his mind, there's a lot of issues 00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:07.540 about this spot that he's not saying. One of 00:02:07.540 --> 00:02:09.780 the issues is he doesn't want to be too close 00:02:09.780 --> 00:02:12.280 because This is a fairly new car and he doesn't 00:02:12.280 --> 00:02:14.520 want to get bumped. Another is he's thinking 00:02:14.520 --> 00:02:16.379 ahead, thinking, you know what, man, there's 00:02:16.379 --> 00:02:18.680 a lot of people here. I don't want to be stuck 00:02:18.680 --> 00:02:21.580 for an hour getting out of here. So he's wandering 00:02:21.580 --> 00:02:25.939 in places that you don't understand. First once 00:02:25.939 --> 00:02:27.979 and then twice, then like three times. Oh, oh, 00:02:27.979 --> 00:02:29.560 oh, dear, dear, right here, right here. Park 00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:32.000 here, park here, park here. And he kind of glances 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:34.080 at the back seat and then he drives a little 00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:36.639 bit farther. Didn't you see that one? Look, quick, 00:02:36.740 --> 00:02:38.319 that other car's going to get it. If you go to 00:02:38.319 --> 00:02:40.740 the other side and you go turn and then you get 00:02:40.740 --> 00:02:44.080 a look from him that is a little stronger than 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:45.819 if there wasn't another couple, he might say 00:02:45.819 --> 00:02:48.860 something he'd regret. So you keep driving and 00:02:48.860 --> 00:02:52.520 then he eventually parks the car. You all get 00:02:52.520 --> 00:02:55.530 out. You begin walking toward the restaurant 00:02:55.530 --> 00:02:58.789 or the concert and being the perceptive wife 00:02:58.789 --> 00:03:01.430 that you are, you recognize that there might 00:03:01.430 --> 00:03:04.729 be something wrong. And you turn to him as you're 00:03:04.729 --> 00:03:07.310 walking because he looks very silent. His body 00:03:07.310 --> 00:03:10.150 language has stiffened. You sort of reach out 00:03:10.150 --> 00:03:12.610 to hold his hand. And he makes it evident that 00:03:12.610 --> 00:03:15.750 he doesn't want to hold your hand. And you're 00:03:15.750 --> 00:03:17.189 thinking, wait a second. This was supposed to 00:03:17.189 --> 00:03:19.389 be a date. These are with our really good friends. 00:03:19.650 --> 00:03:21.870 This is one of our favorite restaurants. Or this 00:03:21.870 --> 00:03:23.729 is a concert we've all been waiting to go to. 00:03:23.849 --> 00:03:26.969 And what's with him? And you can't get it out 00:03:26.969 --> 00:03:30.139 of him. And he's cold most of the night. And 00:03:30.139 --> 00:03:32.900 finally, you drop the other couple off and you 00:03:32.900 --> 00:03:35.860 get in the car and Mr. Stoic is still Mr. Stoic. 00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:38.580 And you turn to him and you say, you just about 00:03:38.580 --> 00:03:41.060 ruined our evening. We had this plan for a long 00:03:41.060 --> 00:03:43.580 time and those tickets cost quite a bit of money. 00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:46.060 And I was so looking forward to being with you. 00:03:46.199 --> 00:03:48.919 And then you just turned like a cold fish. What's 00:03:48.919 --> 00:03:52.180 wrong with you? And he's silent. No, I mean it. 00:03:52.199 --> 00:03:55.039 What's wrong with you? And you finally probe 00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:57.360 and probe and probe. And finally, he tells you. 00:03:57.659 --> 00:04:00.520 And in your mind, you're thinking, Are you kidding 00:04:00.520 --> 00:04:05.199 me? You mean our whole evening was semi -ruined 00:04:05.199 --> 00:04:08.099 from my perspective because I was trying to help? 00:04:08.360 --> 00:04:11.199 I was just trying to help you find a parking 00:04:11.199 --> 00:04:15.539 spot and that little comment made you respond 00:04:15.539 --> 00:04:19.500 like that? And I'm guessing this is not like 00:04:19.500 --> 00:04:22.899 the only illustration. That's the most benign 00:04:22.899 --> 00:04:25.699 one I can give you. I've experienced that more 00:04:25.699 --> 00:04:28.040 than a few times. You know, I have all adult 00:04:28.040 --> 00:04:31.569 children now. And whether it's Christmas or a 00:04:31.569 --> 00:04:33.990 Thanksgiving or a vacation or something, everyone's 00:04:33.990 --> 00:04:36.310 there. And there's a lot of joking that goes 00:04:36.310 --> 00:04:38.470 on, and I'm the butt of a lot of it. I don't 00:04:38.470 --> 00:04:41.649 know, maybe it's being a pastor. I think my kids 00:04:41.649 --> 00:04:43.889 got sick of hearing people don't really know 00:04:43.889 --> 00:04:45.930 me very well. They think your dad's so wonderful. 00:04:46.209 --> 00:04:48.769 And so I think one of our goals in life is to 00:04:48.769 --> 00:04:52.089 make sure he stays humble at home. And so they 00:04:52.089 --> 00:04:54.310 give me a hard time about everything. I mean, 00:04:54.350 --> 00:04:58.100 if I say something crazy or... tell a wrong illustration. 00:04:58.240 --> 00:05:01.199 It's like the roast goes on. And so we're all 00:05:01.199 --> 00:05:03.459 together and we're all talking about something 00:05:03.459 --> 00:05:06.040 and it's usually pretty good natured. And Teresa 00:05:06.040 --> 00:05:08.160 goes into this whole story about, I can't fix 00:05:08.160 --> 00:05:11.060 anything. I'm just inept and I can't fix anything. 00:05:11.259 --> 00:05:15.300 Well, it's true. And usually it can be a joke, 00:05:15.319 --> 00:05:18.000 but I remember as she shared that and it was 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:20.120 all funny and everyone was laughing. I wasn't 00:05:20.120 --> 00:05:22.439 laughing. I mean, on the outside, I smiled and 00:05:22.439 --> 00:05:25.819 I laughed, but it really hurt. And that may be 00:05:25.819 --> 00:05:29.079 true, but in front of my grown kids, it was like 00:05:29.079 --> 00:05:31.519 a little dart. It made me so sad because what 00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:33.819 I realized is I didn't want to be around her. 00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:37.519 I mean, I love my wife. She said what was true 00:05:37.519 --> 00:05:39.279 in front of my kids and everyone's laughing. 00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:43.040 I can't fix anything. So why did that hurt so 00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:46.420 much? And let me tell you, ladies, this is why 00:05:46.420 --> 00:05:49.120 it hurts so much. And this is why you have to 00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:52.220 really guard your mouth. And later, men, I'll 00:05:52.220 --> 00:05:54.040 talk about why you need to guard your mouth. 00:05:54.620 --> 00:05:58.199 The lie is my husband's attitude makes no sense 00:05:58.199 --> 00:06:01.439 to me. He gets so upset even when the smallest 00:06:01.439 --> 00:06:03.500 comment in front of others, when he did something 00:06:03.500 --> 00:06:05.680 wrong. Well, here's the truth and here's why. 00:06:06.420 --> 00:06:10.920 Husbands fear futility, the sense that they don't 00:06:10.920 --> 00:06:14.459 measure up. That's why affirmation, refusing 00:06:14.459 --> 00:06:17.860 to criticize publicly, and physical intimacy 00:06:17.860 --> 00:06:22.389 builds up his confidence. I don't care how successful 00:06:22.389 --> 00:06:25.910 your husband is. I don't care if he's built like 00:06:25.910 --> 00:06:29.089 Atlas and lifts weights. I don't care if he's 00:06:29.089 --> 00:06:31.750 wealthy and powerful. I don't care what kind 00:06:31.750 --> 00:06:34.250 of job he has. I don't care if it's construction 00:06:34.250 --> 00:06:37.550 or he's a genius in computer programming. Every 00:06:37.550 --> 00:06:42.370 single man on the face of the earth fears futility. 00:06:42.970 --> 00:06:48.889 Do I measure up? And a little comment that communicates 00:06:49.319 --> 00:06:52.800 Okay, maybe it shouldn't threaten a man for someone 00:06:52.800 --> 00:06:55.660 to tell him where to park, but the message that 00:06:55.660 --> 00:06:59.060 a man hears is, do you think I'm an idiot? You 00:06:59.060 --> 00:07:01.459 think I can't figure out where to park? You don't 00:07:01.459 --> 00:07:04.839 think I have a brain? I'm not your son? You don't 00:07:04.839 --> 00:07:06.500 think I've got a few things that I'm thinking 00:07:06.500 --> 00:07:08.480 about where to park that might be a little bit 00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:11.160 different than you? I don't need help in this 00:07:11.160 --> 00:07:14.079 one. That's where that emotion is. And, you know, 00:07:14.079 --> 00:07:17.040 I've tried to use the kind of illustrations that 00:07:17.040 --> 00:07:20.279 seem so mild. How in the world could they produce 00:07:20.279 --> 00:07:22.899 that? But some of you know, you've said really 00:07:22.899 --> 00:07:26.079 critical things to a friend about your husband 00:07:26.079 --> 00:07:29.579 and it gets back to him. Critical things that 00:07:29.579 --> 00:07:31.860 make him feel like he doesn't measure up. In 00:07:31.860 --> 00:07:35.500 fact, you've said them to him. If you don't get 00:07:35.500 --> 00:07:39.160 anything else out of this message, you need to 00:07:39.160 --> 00:07:41.920 grasp that your husband more than anything else. 00:07:42.430 --> 00:07:44.970 believes that your opinion is the most important 00:07:44.970 --> 00:07:48.689 opinion in the entire world. Write that down, 00:07:48.810 --> 00:07:52.329 jot it down, do something. Your husband believes 00:07:52.329 --> 00:07:54.769 that your opinion is the most important opinion 00:07:54.769 --> 00:07:58.889 in the entire world. I happen to do a job where 00:07:58.889 --> 00:08:01.509 I'm in front of lots of people, at times thousands 00:08:01.509 --> 00:08:04.250 of people, and I'll go to airports and be picking 00:08:04.250 --> 00:08:07.040 up my bag. Oh, I recognize that voice. Are you 00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:09.420 Chip? Yeah, I listen to Living on the Edge. Blah, 00:08:09.420 --> 00:08:11.360 blah, blah. After a service, I want to tell you 00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:14.060 that's the best message I've ever heard in my 00:08:14.060 --> 00:08:16.379 whole life. And what I know is it's not the best 00:08:16.379 --> 00:08:19.060 message. What I know is I've been used by God. 00:08:19.199 --> 00:08:21.939 And what I've learned over the years is, thank 00:08:21.939 --> 00:08:24.620 you, Lord. I want to be your PVC pipe that your 00:08:24.620 --> 00:08:27.139 grace can flow through. And in my wife's experience, 00:08:27.339 --> 00:08:29.399 she goes, you get so much praise. How in the 00:08:29.399 --> 00:08:31.399 world do you handle that? And I said, by and 00:08:31.399 --> 00:08:34.019 large, I appreciate. They're really trying to 00:08:34.019 --> 00:08:36.259 say thanks to God, but they need to see someone, 00:08:36.340 --> 00:08:38.899 and I happen to be the person, and it's a stewardship, 00:08:39.080 --> 00:08:41.960 and I need to listen and sort of deflect and 00:08:41.960 --> 00:08:43.899 make sure that, hey, thanks, I was glad to be 00:08:43.899 --> 00:08:46.600 a part of God's work in your life. But when my 00:08:46.600 --> 00:08:49.980 wife tells me, Chip, I've heard you speak a lot 00:08:49.980 --> 00:08:55.500 of times. Wow, I saw God's power. You were up 00:08:55.500 --> 00:08:57.940 at the wee hours of the morning. Man, you were 00:08:57.940 --> 00:09:00.960 really preparing. I've seen you pray. I know 00:09:00.960 --> 00:09:03.399 how much pressure you felt. That message, the 00:09:03.399 --> 00:09:05.480 way it could have gone because it's very controversial. 00:09:06.559 --> 00:09:10.340 Chip, I'm really proud of you. That, ladies, 00:09:10.500 --> 00:09:15.580 is worth 100 ,000 comments from people all over 00:09:15.580 --> 00:09:18.580 the world that I don't know. And so I just want 00:09:18.580 --> 00:09:21.799 to encourage you that words of affirmation, and 00:09:21.799 --> 00:09:25.220 especially if your husband's lost his job, if 00:09:25.220 --> 00:09:27.940 he's going through a rough time, if he's doubting 00:09:27.940 --> 00:09:31.639 himself, can I be so bold to say, You need to 00:09:31.639 --> 00:09:34.779 give words of affirmation. And I know this is 00:09:34.779 --> 00:09:37.700 a family program, but you initiating making love 00:09:37.700 --> 00:09:40.980 with him will tell him more about how he's loved 00:09:40.980 --> 00:09:44.320 and affirmed and cared for. And certainly the 00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:47.139 act of intimacy is important, but it's way more 00:09:47.139 --> 00:09:50.279 being naked and unashamed, being valued just 00:09:50.279 --> 00:09:52.820 for who you are. You bring nothing to the table. 00:09:53.100 --> 00:09:56.240 And someone in this world loves you and loves 00:09:56.240 --> 00:09:59.379 you deeply. And what I would be very quick to 00:09:59.379 --> 00:10:04.159 give you is, Philippians 2, 3, and 4. And it's 00:10:04.159 --> 00:10:07.299 a verse worth memorizing. Do nothing from selfish 00:10:07.299 --> 00:10:10.320 ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, 00:10:10.639 --> 00:10:14.259 value others above yourselves, not looking to 00:10:14.259 --> 00:10:17.279 your own interests, but each of you to the interests 00:10:17.279 --> 00:10:21.519 of others. You're listening to Living on the 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:24.080 Edge with Chip Ingram. And before he continues 00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:27.289 our new series, Uninvited Guests. I want to remind 00:10:27.289 --> 00:10:29.730 you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples 00:10:29.730 --> 00:10:32.509 and parents are only possible because of listeners 00:10:32.509 --> 00:10:35.570 like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep 00:10:35.570 --> 00:10:38.070 listening after today's message as Chip shares 00:10:38.070 --> 00:10:40.889 more of his heart for preserving the family and 00:10:40.889 --> 00:10:43.509 why now is a great time to partner with us in 00:10:43.509 --> 00:10:46.570 this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now, 00:10:46.590 --> 00:10:50.149 let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk. And 00:10:50.149 --> 00:10:54.370 women are not the only ones, gentlemen, who say 00:10:54.370 --> 00:10:58.330 insensitive things. and that are clueless about 00:10:58.330 --> 00:11:02.669 why a certain word could cause such wounds and 00:11:02.669 --> 00:11:05.889 such damage and such arguments. Let me give you 00:11:05.889 --> 00:11:08.470 some of the private thoughts of men. Ladies, 00:11:08.490 --> 00:11:11.590 you might be interested in this. Here's the misbelief. 00:11:11.669 --> 00:11:14.950 My wife's attitude makes no sense to me. If I 00:11:14.950 --> 00:11:17.690 joke about her gaining a little weight or I take 00:11:17.690 --> 00:11:20.330 notice even slightly of another woman, she comes 00:11:20.330 --> 00:11:24.379 unglued. I don't get it. I was just joking. I 00:11:24.379 --> 00:11:26.740 just said, hey, hon, looks like you put on a 00:11:26.740 --> 00:11:30.940 couple pounds. And then she shut down. Or you're 00:11:30.940 --> 00:11:32.620 in a restaurant and a beautiful woman walks by. 00:11:33.279 --> 00:11:35.820 We're all human. God made people very beautiful. 00:11:35.960 --> 00:11:38.360 And maybe this person has a very lovely figure 00:11:38.360 --> 00:11:41.200 and decided not to put much on to cover it. And 00:11:41.200 --> 00:11:44.559 being a human and being a man, you look. That's 00:11:44.559 --> 00:11:47.860 one thing. It's the glue of your eyes as that 00:11:47.860 --> 00:11:52.419 occurs. And your wife is like, what's going on? 00:11:53.159 --> 00:11:56.500 What is going on? In fact, if you want to know, 00:11:56.500 --> 00:12:01.879 gentlemen, why porn is so, so devastating for 00:12:01.879 --> 00:12:05.240 a wife to discover, or for some of you that are 00:12:05.240 --> 00:12:07.039 dating, if you discover it about your boyfriend, 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:11.759 porn gets at the heart of why all these things 00:12:11.759 --> 00:12:16.659 I'm talking about is painful, devastating, can 00:12:16.659 --> 00:12:19.539 shut a woman down and make her feel very, very 00:12:19.539 --> 00:12:23.529 unloved. The misbelief is my wife's attitude 00:12:23.529 --> 00:12:27.129 makes no sense to me when I joke about gaining 00:12:27.129 --> 00:12:30.389 a little weight or I take even a little notice 00:12:30.389 --> 00:12:33.269 of other women. She comes unglued. Here's the 00:12:33.269 --> 00:12:37.549 truth. Women fear abandonment, of losing the 00:12:37.549 --> 00:12:41.690 relationship. That's why saying I love you, being 00:12:41.690 --> 00:12:44.990 a good listener, and showing affection in public 00:12:44.990 --> 00:12:49.429 build up her sense of belonging. Just as you 00:12:49.429 --> 00:12:52.570 feel like I don't measure up, am I really a man? 00:12:53.409 --> 00:12:56.409 Women, by and large, fear, are you going to leave 00:12:56.409 --> 00:13:00.470 me? Are you going to abandon me? Am I not good 00:13:00.470 --> 00:13:02.470 enough so that you have to stare in front of 00:13:02.470 --> 00:13:05.110 the screen of make -believe people who have their 00:13:05.110 --> 00:13:08.190 bodies shot up with stuff and pretend worlds? 00:13:09.070 --> 00:13:11.190 Am I not good enough that your attention goes 00:13:11.190 --> 00:13:14.529 to another woman? Do you love me or just if my 00:13:14.529 --> 00:13:17.399 body isn't what it used to be? You really don't 00:13:17.399 --> 00:13:20.720 love me. You just love me for how I looked. That's 00:13:20.720 --> 00:13:22.919 what's going through her mind. That's why that 00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:26.899 little comment is not a little comment. And that's 00:13:26.899 --> 00:13:30.600 why, men, you need to communicate that you love 00:13:30.600 --> 00:13:33.320 her. And I know I've heard all the jokes like, 00:13:33.360 --> 00:13:35.059 I told her I love her when we got married. And, 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:38.700 you know, she ought to remember that. I have 00:13:38.700 --> 00:13:41.940 learned and I've gone into training. I probably 00:13:41.940 --> 00:13:45.539 tell my wife that I love her multiple times a 00:13:45.539 --> 00:13:49.450 day. Teaching this right now has been an encouragement 00:13:49.450 --> 00:13:53.169 because, as most of you know, I didn't get these 00:13:53.169 --> 00:13:54.970 misbeliefs out of a book somewhere. It wasn't 00:13:54.970 --> 00:13:57.970 like, hey, Chip, here's a great book on misbeliefs 00:13:57.970 --> 00:14:00.049 about marriage and relationships. Why don't you 00:14:00.049 --> 00:14:01.690 write those down and come up with some messages? 00:14:01.870 --> 00:14:04.929 I got all these misbeliefs from my own personal 00:14:04.929 --> 00:14:08.190 experience, from the study of God's Word, and 00:14:08.190 --> 00:14:11.750 from countless hours of meeting with men and 00:14:11.750 --> 00:14:14.500 women. who could have had great relationships, 00:14:14.620 --> 00:14:18.320 who actually squandered them because they started 00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:21.279 believing lies like, when the right person comes 00:14:21.279 --> 00:14:23.379 into my life, then everything's going to be okay. 00:14:23.620 --> 00:14:26.279 If my husband would only do this, then everything 00:14:26.279 --> 00:14:28.539 would be great. If my wife would only do this, 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:30.679 then everything would be great. The fact of the 00:14:30.679 --> 00:14:34.139 matter is that women fear abandonment and we 00:14:34.139 --> 00:14:37.419 need to communicate, I love you. I don't love 00:14:37.419 --> 00:14:39.539 you just for the way you look. I don't love you 00:14:39.539 --> 00:14:41.460 for what you bring. I don't love you just for 00:14:41.460 --> 00:14:47.309 what you do. I love you. I am for you. And by 00:14:47.309 --> 00:14:49.490 the way, that can be very, very generic, so you 00:14:49.490 --> 00:14:53.250 need to get it specific. I love you because of 00:14:53.250 --> 00:14:56.090 the way you're faithful to me and the way that 00:14:56.090 --> 00:14:59.750 you listen. I love you because I watch how you 00:14:59.750 --> 00:15:02.870 treat our children. I love you because every 00:15:02.870 --> 00:15:05.629 time we're around, in my case, women that are 00:15:05.629 --> 00:15:08.669 hurting and no one cares about, I see the love 00:15:08.669 --> 00:15:11.879 of Christ. come through you into their lives. 00:15:12.039 --> 00:15:15.659 I love you because you remind me that we're all 00:15:15.659 --> 00:15:18.259 desperate. And someday I would love to learn 00:15:18.259 --> 00:15:21.419 to pray the way that you pray. I love you because 00:15:21.419 --> 00:15:24.899 you inspire me to walk with God. I love you, 00:15:24.940 --> 00:15:27.399 sometimes not as much as I'd like to, when you 00:15:27.399 --> 00:15:30.480 are so about integrity, integrity, integrity, 00:15:30.500 --> 00:15:32.600 and little tiny things. And I'm thinking you're 00:15:32.600 --> 00:15:35.139 being a little legalistic. And the fact of the 00:15:35.139 --> 00:15:37.179 matter is maybe I was being a little bit loose. 00:15:38.190 --> 00:15:42.029 Your wives so desperately need to hear that kind 00:15:42.029 --> 00:15:45.110 of affirmation. And then you need to be, are 00:15:45.110 --> 00:15:48.929 you ready? I mean, all the research is in. A 00:15:48.929 --> 00:15:52.909 woman likely feels more loved when you do this 00:15:52.909 --> 00:15:56.669 one thing than almost any other thing. And it's 00:15:56.669 --> 00:15:58.889 what we as men are no good at, by and large. 00:15:58.950 --> 00:16:02.649 It's called listening. When you come home, you 00:16:02.649 --> 00:16:05.460 need to... stop in the driveway or get off the 00:16:05.460 --> 00:16:07.759 train or get off the bus or get off the bike, 00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:10.279 whatever you do, you get home. For those of us 00:16:10.279 --> 00:16:13.000 that work outside our home, or if you work inside 00:16:13.000 --> 00:16:15.559 the home, then shut down your computer and move 00:16:15.559 --> 00:16:17.740 from another room and take a lap or two around 00:16:17.740 --> 00:16:20.820 the house and then say, okay, I'm entering a 00:16:20.820 --> 00:16:23.460 new world. And whether you get home at the same 00:16:23.460 --> 00:16:27.519 time, but when she enters, my first 15 minutes 00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:31.340 need to be about how was your day? How are you 00:16:31.340 --> 00:16:33.940 doing? What was the biggest challenge you had? 00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:36.940 Tell me a little bit more about that. And maybe 00:16:36.940 --> 00:16:39.159 they're tired and there's just a word, but listen. 00:16:39.759 --> 00:16:41.940 And when you listen, it can't be like, yeah, 00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:44.820 honey, tell me about that. And the TV's on over 00:16:44.820 --> 00:16:47.659 here. Or, you know, you've got a magazine or 00:16:47.659 --> 00:16:50.139 a book up. No, no, no, no. When you listen, you 00:16:50.139 --> 00:16:52.559 need to lean forward, body language. I'm engaged. 00:16:52.820 --> 00:16:55.700 It needs to be eye contact. I really want to 00:16:55.700 --> 00:16:58.259 hear what you're saying. And then don't fix her. 00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:00.639 Don't, oh, well, gosh, if you would have got 00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:02.460 up earlier, that wouldn't happen. Well, I think 00:17:02.460 --> 00:17:04.099 you should tell your boss that. Well, if I was 00:17:04.099 --> 00:17:05.640 you, I wouldn't put up with that from your supervisor. 00:17:05.779 --> 00:17:08.240 Did you report that in the HR? All that may be 00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:10.480 true. She doesn't want to hear that. She doesn't 00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:13.240 need to hear that. Here's what she needs. I love 00:17:13.240 --> 00:17:17.440 you. I'm for you. I want to listen about your 00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:22.019 day. And there may be a time to address some 00:17:22.019 --> 00:17:26.160 things. But your wife needs to know that she's 00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:29.339 precious, that she's beautiful. And I don't mean 00:17:29.339 --> 00:17:32.519 this as manipulation. I think my wife's beautiful. 00:17:33.339 --> 00:17:35.799 I was looking at a picture just before I came 00:17:35.799 --> 00:17:38.700 in, and it was a picture of my wife about 20 00:17:38.700 --> 00:17:40.880 years ago when my daughter, gosh, at least 20 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:43.579 years ago, my daughter was late teens. And I 00:17:43.579 --> 00:17:46.740 saw the picture of the three of us, and I just 00:17:46.740 --> 00:17:48.740 looked at her and I thought, she's gorgeous. 00:17:50.220 --> 00:17:55.380 She's gorgeous. Men, here's the key. Your wife... 00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:57.839 needs to know that she's gorgeous and she needs 00:17:57.839 --> 00:18:00.920 to hear you say and believe you're beautiful. 00:18:01.559 --> 00:18:04.420 You look really good in that dress. That's a 00:18:04.420 --> 00:18:06.680 lot better than, you know, did you get some new 00:18:06.680 --> 00:18:09.559 jeans? I think they're too tight. Guys, you say 00:18:09.559 --> 00:18:13.279 the stupidest, dumbest things. Now, by the way, 00:18:13.299 --> 00:18:15.980 can I say both directions for men and for women? 00:18:16.319 --> 00:18:19.480 There may be some times where you need to say, 00:18:19.539 --> 00:18:23.380 I'm concerned about your health. Could we have 00:18:23.380 --> 00:18:25.200 a conversation about how much you're working? 00:18:25.660 --> 00:18:28.579 Or I'm concerned about your health. I can tell 00:18:28.579 --> 00:18:30.940 you you're down and you don't like yourself. 00:18:31.539 --> 00:18:35.420 When you gain 5, 10, 15 pounds, I know you don't 00:18:35.420 --> 00:18:38.319 like yourself right now. I want you to know I 00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:41.779 love you, but what's the game plan? How can I 00:18:41.779 --> 00:18:44.380 be of help? Or what do you need to do? Because 00:18:44.380 --> 00:18:47.200 this isn't a direction. So don't hear that you 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:49.900 don't ever address things. What I'm saying is 00:18:49.900 --> 00:18:53.390 you need to understand that A little comment, 00:18:53.470 --> 00:18:56.950 a little joke, a little insensitivity from a 00:18:56.950 --> 00:19:00.029 wife to a husband or from a husband to a wife 00:19:00.029 --> 00:19:03.650 can be devastating. And it can produce layers 00:19:03.650 --> 00:19:06.349 of resentment. And I will tell you, the enemy 00:19:06.349 --> 00:19:08.809 is glad to break up your relationship, even if 00:19:08.809 --> 00:19:12.450 it takes 10 years. But little resentments that 00:19:12.450 --> 00:19:15.910 don't get addressed, they just get filed and 00:19:15.910 --> 00:19:18.809 then they build up. After that becomes bitterness. 00:19:19.089 --> 00:19:21.549 And after that is you see them through a different 00:19:21.549 --> 00:19:23.970 lens, and it's a negative one. And that path 00:19:23.970 --> 00:19:28.750 is devastating. The truth, women fear abandonment 00:19:28.750 --> 00:19:31.470 of losing the relationship. That's why saying 00:19:31.470 --> 00:19:34.690 I love you, being a good listener, and showing 00:19:34.690 --> 00:19:37.769 affection in public build up her sense of belonging. 00:19:38.089 --> 00:19:41.490 It's the same verse. It's Philippians 2, 3, and 00:19:41.490 --> 00:19:45.390 4. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain 00:19:45.390 --> 00:19:48.990 conceit. Rather, In humility, value others above 00:19:48.990 --> 00:19:52.150 yourselves, not looking to your own interests, 00:19:52.289 --> 00:19:56.049 but each of you to the interests of others. Here's 00:19:56.049 --> 00:19:58.549 what I'm going to tell you. If you want your 00:19:58.549 --> 00:20:00.690 marriage to change, because in our next time 00:20:00.690 --> 00:20:02.329 together, I'm going to go a little bit different 00:20:02.329 --> 00:20:04.269 direction. We're going to look at the foundation, 00:20:04.289 --> 00:20:06.970 but you want your marriage to change. You really 00:20:06.970 --> 00:20:09.269 want a great marriage that will produce a great 00:20:09.269 --> 00:20:11.410 family. Then here's the deal. You need to get 00:20:11.410 --> 00:20:13.589 these cards. And by the way, I don't want you 00:20:13.589 --> 00:20:16.349 just to, don't even try to memorize them. What 00:20:16.349 --> 00:20:18.450 I want you to do is I want you to get them and 00:20:18.450 --> 00:20:20.369 put them next to your bedside. And then what 00:20:20.369 --> 00:20:22.410 I want you to do is three, maybe four cards at 00:20:22.410 --> 00:20:25.809 the most. When you get up, sit up in bed. Don't 00:20:25.809 --> 00:20:27.849 turn on your phone. Don't check the Wall Street 00:20:27.849 --> 00:20:31.269 Journal. Don't do anything. I want you just to 00:20:31.269 --> 00:20:33.849 take a few minutes and read them out loud. If 00:20:33.849 --> 00:20:36.349 your mate's not up, just whisper them. Two or 00:20:36.349 --> 00:20:39.690 three of these cards. Here's the misbelief. Here's 00:20:39.690 --> 00:20:43.240 the truth. Here's the verse. and then put them 00:20:43.240 --> 00:20:45.779 under the stack and leave them there. Before 00:20:45.779 --> 00:20:48.119 you go to bed, you do the same thing. I'm going 00:20:48.119 --> 00:20:49.559 to tell you something because I've been doing 00:20:49.559 --> 00:20:52.240 this for decades. You read that over and over 00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:55.099 and over and over and over and that misbelief 00:20:55.099 --> 00:20:57.380 and you say the word stop out loud and then you 00:20:57.380 --> 00:20:59.240 flip the card over and this is the truth and 00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:01.839 here's the passage. You will unconsciously find 00:21:01.839 --> 00:21:03.720 yourself doing things that you never did before. 00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:06.440 I unconsciously now walk by the trash can and 00:21:06.440 --> 00:21:09.019 realize it's full. I never even saw it before 00:21:09.019 --> 00:21:11.400 and I take it out. I walk into the room and she's 00:21:11.400 --> 00:21:14.019 done all the laundry and my mind goes to she 00:21:14.019 --> 00:21:15.839 will feel affirmed and loved if I put it away 00:21:15.839 --> 00:21:18.519 right now. So that's I did it. I never did that 00:21:18.519 --> 00:21:21.539 before. Something comes out of my mouth that 00:21:21.539 --> 00:21:24.880 encourages her. Why? Because I have gone into 00:21:24.880 --> 00:21:29.819 training so that these attitudes and these responses 00:21:29.819 --> 00:21:32.960 are the ones I know God wants for me, the ones 00:21:32.960 --> 00:21:36.099 I want. But just reading a book or trying hard 00:21:36.099 --> 00:21:39.200 will not change very much. You have to renew 00:21:39.200 --> 00:21:43.220 your mind. If you want a great marriage, you 00:21:43.220 --> 00:21:49.140 have to fight for it. This is Living on the Edge 00:21:49.140 --> 00:21:51.359 with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to 00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:53.920 Chip's message, Words that Wound, Truth that 00:21:53.920 --> 00:21:57.759 Heals, from our series, Uninvited Guests, Recognizing 00:21:57.759 --> 00:22:00.519 and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family. Well, 00:22:00.539 --> 00:22:02.700 our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, is back in studio 00:22:02.700 --> 00:22:05.079 with me. And Chip, throughout this series, you've 00:22:05.079 --> 00:22:07.420 invited our listeners to become monthly financial 00:22:07.420 --> 00:22:10.019 partners. Now, take a minute, if you would, and 00:22:10.019 --> 00:22:12.740 explain why we've devoted so much time and energy 00:22:12.740 --> 00:22:15.839 to asking people to join us. Dave, there's a 00:22:15.839 --> 00:22:19.119 very, very simple reason. The backbone of our 00:22:19.119 --> 00:22:23.460 ministry is people who are on the team. The second 00:22:23.460 --> 00:22:26.279 thing is, is we have people give at all different 00:22:26.279 --> 00:22:29.220 levels and we're thankful for all of them, but 00:22:29.220 --> 00:22:32.039 we never know what's coming in. When people are 00:22:32.039 --> 00:22:34.660 on the team and people give monthly, guess what? 00:22:34.819 --> 00:22:37.700 You begin to build a baseline that you can know 00:22:37.700 --> 00:22:41.000 this amount of money is going to come in each 00:22:41.000 --> 00:22:43.900 month. And just like people's budget. Can you 00:22:43.900 --> 00:22:46.400 imagine never knowing what your paycheck is going 00:22:46.400 --> 00:22:48.099 to be and how are you going to pay your bills? 00:22:48.240 --> 00:22:51.039 And so we wanted to emphasize monthly donors 00:22:51.039 --> 00:22:53.920 become a part of the family. They become a part 00:22:53.920 --> 00:22:56.599 of reaching the next generation, equipping pastors 00:22:56.599 --> 00:22:59.500 and leaders, and discipling God's people. And 00:22:59.500 --> 00:23:02.559 if it's $10 a month or $20 a month, $100 a month, 00:23:02.700 --> 00:23:07.099 we leave that up to them. Move from this is great, 00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:09.960 this is helpful to I want to be on the team. 00:23:10.140 --> 00:23:13.000 We are committed to really making a difference. 00:23:13.160 --> 00:23:15.079 And that means we've got to go there together. 00:23:15.240 --> 00:23:18.299 And we need everyone to carry some of the weight. 00:23:18.880 --> 00:23:22.019 That's why we talk about becoming monthly partners. 00:23:22.299 --> 00:23:25.660 Our world is in desperate need. Our country's 00:23:25.660 --> 00:23:28.690 in desperate need. Families who love Jesus are 00:23:28.690 --> 00:23:31.970 in desperate need. We are called to make disciples, 00:23:32.170 --> 00:23:35.309 to reach the next generation, and to equip families 00:23:35.309 --> 00:23:38.470 and leaders to really walk with God. We want 00:23:38.470 --> 00:23:41.569 to be a part of helping Christians live like 00:23:41.569 --> 00:23:43.990 Christians. And if you resonate with that, let 00:23:43.990 --> 00:23:47.000 me encourage you, become a monthly partner. Great 00:23:47.000 --> 00:23:49.339 challenge, Chip. And please know how much we 00:23:49.339 --> 00:23:52.079 appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support 00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:55.039 allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry 00:23:55.039 --> 00:23:58.200 and be ready to walk through doors that God opens 00:23:58.200 --> 00:24:01.519 for us. And as Chip said during this entire series, 00:24:01.759 --> 00:24:04.319 if you become a monthly financial partner of 00:24:04.319 --> 00:24:06.380 Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest 00:24:06.380 --> 00:24:09.299 resource, the Marriage That Works Truth Cards, 00:24:09.319 --> 00:24:12.819 as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge 00:24:12.819 --> 00:24:18.920 .org or by calling 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 00:24:18.920 --> 00:24:25.039 888 -333 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. 00:24:25.700 --> 00:24:28.599 App listeners, tap donate. Well, from all of 00:24:28.599 --> 00:24:30.740 us here, I'm Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening 00:24:30.740 --> 00:24:33.359 to this edition of Living on the Edge, and I 00:24:33.359 --> 00:24:35.099 hope you'll join us again next time.