WEBVTT 00:00:01.229 --> 00:00:03.730 Have you ever noticed how family dynamics have 00:00:03.730 --> 00:00:06.690 evolved even since our grandparents lived? I 00:00:06.690 --> 00:00:09.849 mean, back 50, 60 years ago, men were primarily 00:00:09.849 --> 00:00:12.650 the breadwinners going to work every day, while 00:00:12.650 --> 00:00:14.650 women managed the house and took care of the 00:00:14.650 --> 00:00:18.030 kids. So that raises a vital question. How does 00:00:18.030 --> 00:00:20.609 this more traditional model stack up against 00:00:20.609 --> 00:00:23.570 the ways families function now? And what does 00:00:23.570 --> 00:00:25.929 God's Word say about the roles men and women 00:00:25.929 --> 00:00:28.050 play in their households? Well, in just a minute, 00:00:28.089 --> 00:00:30.489 our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, will tackle these 00:00:30.489 --> 00:00:32.890 relevant questions as he continues our series, 00:00:33.030 --> 00:00:36.259 Uninvited Guests. I'm Dave Drury, and you're 00:00:36.259 --> 00:00:38.439 listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:38.579 --> 00:00:41.439 We're an international teaching and discipleship 00:00:41.439 --> 00:00:43.759 ministry devoted to helping Christians worldwide 00:00:43.759 --> 00:00:46.820 live out their faith for the glory of God and 00:00:46.820 --> 00:00:49.320 the good of all. And as I mentioned, today we're 00:00:49.320 --> 00:00:51.719 picking up in our new teaching focused on encouraging 00:00:51.719 --> 00:00:54.799 parents and couples. For the past few messages, 00:00:55.060 --> 00:00:57.700 Chip's highlighted the dangerous misbeliefs that 00:00:57.700 --> 00:01:00.640 husbands and wives have held which can harm their 00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:03.100 relationships. So if you want to go back and 00:01:03.100 --> 00:01:05.379 listen to a program you may have missed, it's 00:01:05.379 --> 00:01:07.680 not too late to catch up. You can easily listen 00:01:07.680 --> 00:01:11.620 at livingontheedge .org or wherever you listen 00:01:11.620 --> 00:01:14.519 to podcasts. Okay, grab your notes and Bible 00:01:14.519 --> 00:01:17.140 and settle in now for Chip's message, Who Does 00:01:17.140 --> 00:01:22.099 What? God's Roles for Husbands and Wives. A number 00:01:22.099 --> 00:01:25.189 of years ago, I came across a book that sort 00:01:25.189 --> 00:01:28.230 of identified one of the most common frictions 00:01:28.230 --> 00:01:30.950 that I experienced in counseling couples. It 00:01:30.950 --> 00:01:33.810 was by a San Francisco psychologist, Dr. Pierre 00:01:33.810 --> 00:01:38.709 Mornell. He named the book Passive Men, Wild 00:01:38.709 --> 00:01:41.670 Women. And so I went ahead and Googled it, went 00:01:41.670 --> 00:01:44.310 on Amazon to find out what's a description of 00:01:44.310 --> 00:01:47.010 the book. I'd read it. It was years ago. But 00:01:47.010 --> 00:01:50.590 listen to this. This is Pierre Mornell's classic 00:01:50.590 --> 00:01:53.269 study of modern relationships and why they break 00:01:53.269 --> 00:01:57.069 down so often. Relationships just don't work 00:01:57.069 --> 00:02:00.150 well when the man neglects to take the lead when 00:02:00.150 --> 00:02:02.790 he should, neglects to make decisions at home, 00:02:02.909 --> 00:02:05.489 and fails to be proactive in his involvement 00:02:05.489 --> 00:02:08.819 with his family. The expression he uses is wet 00:02:08.819 --> 00:02:12.219 noodle to describe modern husbands. He talked 00:02:12.219 --> 00:02:15.020 about high -powered men in the financial district 00:02:15.020 --> 00:02:18.139 of San Francisco who were taking the bull by 00:02:18.139 --> 00:02:21.439 the horns, leading major companies. But he found 00:02:21.439 --> 00:02:24.759 himself counseling their wives who said, when 00:02:24.759 --> 00:02:27.639 this strong, dynamic leader who's building these 00:02:27.639 --> 00:02:31.930 businesses comes home. He's passive. It's like 00:02:31.930 --> 00:02:34.689 he's not engaged. And by the way, I think the 00:02:34.689 --> 00:02:37.310 wet noodle description might be a little too 00:02:37.310 --> 00:02:41.069 strong. My experience is that a lot of men come 00:02:41.069 --> 00:02:43.750 off passive because they really think they're 00:02:43.750 --> 00:02:46.590 being like a servant leader. It's such a common 00:02:46.590 --> 00:02:49.129 problem. I had an opportunity, as I've shared 00:02:49.129 --> 00:02:52.090 recently, to help with some young adult Sunday 00:02:52.090 --> 00:02:54.639 school class. And we were going through a book 00:02:54.639 --> 00:02:57.060 that I wrote and sitting around the tables and 00:02:57.060 --> 00:03:00.080 talking with him. And as this came up, I asked 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:02.680 these young men, I said, so what's it look like 00:03:02.680 --> 00:03:05.479 to be active and proactive at home? And the one 00:03:05.479 --> 00:03:07.800 guy said, well, I'm really trying to be a good 00:03:07.800 --> 00:03:10.120 Christian husband. And so we're going to go out 00:03:10.120 --> 00:03:11.680 to eat. I'll say, well, where do you want to 00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:13.960 go? Or we're thinking about something for the 00:03:13.960 --> 00:03:16.020 kids. And I think she probably knows more than 00:03:16.020 --> 00:03:17.860 me. So I'll say, well, what do you think we should 00:03:17.860 --> 00:03:21.180 do? I said, did you ever consider that when you 00:03:21.180 --> 00:03:23.759 ask all the questions that she ends up making 00:03:23.759 --> 00:03:26.979 all the decisions, what she feels is all the 00:03:26.979 --> 00:03:29.719 weight and all the responsibility for the family. 00:03:30.280 --> 00:03:33.199 And then one guy said, I think part of it, I'm 00:03:33.199 --> 00:03:35.360 trying to be a servant leader. And the other 00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:37.419 part is I don't feel like I'll make good decisions. 00:03:37.659 --> 00:03:40.400 I think she'll probably know better. And when 00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:42.699 I'm really honest, if she'll make them all, then 00:03:42.699 --> 00:03:46.819 I don't have to. And the misbelief that I want 00:03:46.819 --> 00:03:50.159 to identify here. is this misbelief. And some 00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:52.620 of these I say in a way to give a little edge 00:03:52.620 --> 00:03:55.180 to them so that there's something inside you 00:03:55.180 --> 00:03:57.080 that goes, oh boy, I don't look at that that 00:03:57.080 --> 00:04:00.479 way. Misbelief number 12 is husbands are to earn 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:03.300 the money and wives are to take care of the kids 00:04:03.300 --> 00:04:06.240 and the house. In other words, there can be a 00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:08.800 misbelief as a man, and maybe you grew up this 00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:10.659 way, or maybe you come up out of background where 00:04:10.659 --> 00:04:12.740 there was even some teaching you got this way. 00:04:12.840 --> 00:04:16.959 Look, I go out, I earn the money, I bring the 00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:20.620 money home. I provide for us your job, you take 00:04:20.620 --> 00:04:22.540 care of the house, you take care of the kids. 00:04:22.699 --> 00:04:26.000 So when I come home, I don't have any responsibility. 00:04:26.920 --> 00:04:29.660 Some of that may have been old school and worked 00:04:29.660 --> 00:04:32.540 in another day, but I got news for you. If you 00:04:32.540 --> 00:04:35.480 want to have a very, very frustrated wife, not 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:38.120 have much intimacy in your marriage, just keep 00:04:38.120 --> 00:04:40.500 believing that. Just keep believing that somehow 00:04:40.500 --> 00:04:44.500 all you need to do is earn the paycheck and you're 00:04:44.500 --> 00:04:49.310 done. The truth is this. As a husband, I am a 00:04:49.310 --> 00:04:52.069 servant leader in our home. I am responsible, 00:04:52.430 --> 00:04:55.889 listen carefully, to provide for and protect 00:04:55.889 --> 00:04:59.910 my family's physical, spiritual, and emotional 00:04:59.910 --> 00:05:06.069 needs as I model Jesus every day. Now, I understand 00:05:06.069 --> 00:05:10.129 that for some, you're passive, and others, it's, 00:05:10.129 --> 00:05:14.069 can I just be honest with you, fellas? It's because 00:05:14.069 --> 00:05:16.730 you're lazy. Lazy doesn't mean that you're playing 00:05:16.730 --> 00:05:18.649 video games in the back room for four hours. 00:05:19.149 --> 00:05:22.850 My definition of lazy is failing to do what you 00:05:22.850 --> 00:05:26.089 need to do when it needs to be done. In fact, 00:05:26.089 --> 00:05:29.649 discipline is doing what needs to be done when 00:05:29.649 --> 00:05:32.290 it needs to be done, especially when you don't 00:05:32.290 --> 00:05:36.189 feel like it. Here's the deal. We as men need 00:05:36.189 --> 00:05:39.589 to understand provision is important, but we 00:05:39.589 --> 00:05:41.430 need to understand that we're to be a servant 00:05:41.430 --> 00:05:43.810 leader, not just in the financial provision. 00:05:44.560 --> 00:05:47.399 but in the spiritual leadership, in the emotional 00:05:47.399 --> 00:05:50.660 leadership, and that I'm to model Jesus each 00:05:50.660 --> 00:05:53.379 and every day. And now think of this. I really 00:05:53.379 --> 00:05:56.279 want you to ponder for just a minute. In Ephesians 00:05:56.279 --> 00:06:00.420 chapter 6, it talks about the role of men. In 00:06:00.420 --> 00:06:02.860 Ephesians chapter 5, it talks about the role 00:06:02.860 --> 00:06:05.560 of men. It says that I'm supposed to lead the 00:06:05.560 --> 00:06:08.819 way Jesus leads. That whole issue about headship 00:06:08.819 --> 00:06:12.160 is way more about responsibility rather than 00:06:12.160 --> 00:06:16.060 authority. You know, I happen to be the CEO of 00:06:16.060 --> 00:06:19.279 the organization that I get to lead. And sure, 00:06:19.379 --> 00:06:22.019 I have significant influence, but actually I 00:06:22.019 --> 00:06:24.740 go to bed most nights with a weight of responsibility. 00:06:25.199 --> 00:06:27.959 Does our staff have all that they need? Do we 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:30.360 have enough resources to get there? Am I being 00:06:30.360 --> 00:06:32.699 a bottleneck anywhere right now in the organization 00:06:32.699 --> 00:06:35.300 so that we can't fulfill the mission? I want 00:06:35.300 --> 00:06:37.519 to get the best information. And if there's a 00:06:37.519 --> 00:06:39.879 conflict or God gives me a very clear leading, 00:06:40.019 --> 00:06:42.699 I'm going to own. This is a step we need to take. 00:06:43.160 --> 00:06:45.800 but rarely does that ever happen in isolation. 00:06:46.459 --> 00:06:50.300 Your job as the leader is to draw the best out 00:06:50.300 --> 00:06:53.160 of your wife, to cherish her, to help the kids, 00:06:53.240 --> 00:06:56.839 to be the servant leader, to lead in a way where 00:06:56.839 --> 00:06:58.920 you're responsible, where you think the buck 00:06:58.920 --> 00:07:01.740 stops with me. Are my kids growing spiritually? 00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:04.740 I appreciate what my wife does. I'm really glad 00:07:04.740 --> 00:07:07.000 what they do at Sunday school. I'm thankful for 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:08.939 a good church. It's great that we have a youth 00:07:08.939 --> 00:07:11.899 group, but guess what? The youth group is not 00:07:11.899 --> 00:07:14.540 going to stand before God for the spiritual development 00:07:14.540 --> 00:07:19.779 of my child. I am. Ephesians 6 says, Fathers, 00:07:19.779 --> 00:07:22.899 do not exasperate your children, but bring them 00:07:22.899 --> 00:07:25.240 up in the discipline and the nurture of the Lord. 00:07:25.379 --> 00:07:28.360 The word discipline there means you shape your 00:07:28.360 --> 00:07:30.980 child's behavior by actions. The word nurture 00:07:30.980 --> 00:07:34.639 means you do it by words. So your actions and 00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:38.360 your words become guardrails and a pathway where 00:07:38.360 --> 00:07:42.500 you help your kids learn to love God, treat their 00:07:42.500 --> 00:07:45.480 mother with respect, honor one another, learn 00:07:45.480 --> 00:07:47.800 to be self -disciplined, learn to care about 00:07:47.800 --> 00:07:50.420 other people. See, that's what it means to be 00:07:50.420 --> 00:07:52.959 the man of the house. That's what it means to 00:07:52.959 --> 00:07:56.800 be a servant leader. And so this misbelief that, 00:07:56.860 --> 00:08:00.660 hey, once I've done my job, brought in some money, 00:08:00.740 --> 00:08:04.790 I don't have any responsibility. That is a recipe 00:08:04.790 --> 00:08:08.829 for disaster in your marriage. I want you to 00:08:08.829 --> 00:08:12.069 ponder this passage, Ephesians 5 verses 1 and 00:08:12.069 --> 00:08:17.629 2. Follow God's example therefore as dearly beloved 00:08:17.629 --> 00:08:21.430 children and walk in the way of love just as 00:08:21.430 --> 00:08:25.750 Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as 00:08:25.750 --> 00:08:29.569 a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. In 00:08:29.569 --> 00:08:31.870 other words, walking in love in your marriage. 00:08:32.880 --> 00:08:36.600 Walking in love as a father in a family, it means 00:08:36.600 --> 00:08:39.580 you follow Christ's example. Notice what it says. 00:08:40.080 --> 00:08:44.039 As a dearly loved child, staying connected to 00:08:44.039 --> 00:08:46.960 the Father where you feel loved and affirmed. 00:08:47.340 --> 00:08:50.539 Jesus did his ministry not to please his Father. 00:08:50.720 --> 00:08:53.340 He did it from the pleasure of his Father. Remember, 00:08:53.620 --> 00:08:56.419 he came out of that baptism water. This is my 00:08:56.419 --> 00:09:00.070 beloved Son in whom I'm well pleased. He understood 00:09:00.070 --> 00:09:04.029 how much God loved him. God loves you. You need 00:09:04.029 --> 00:09:06.230 to understand you don't earn your wife's favor. 00:09:06.370 --> 00:09:09.330 You don't earn your kid's affirmation. You have 00:09:09.330 --> 00:09:12.529 God's, and so you can lead as a servant. And 00:09:12.529 --> 00:09:15.450 when you do, a lot of wonderful things happen. 00:09:15.710 --> 00:09:19.409 So don't buy the lie that you're just the money 00:09:19.409 --> 00:09:22.049 earner, and when you've done that, your job is 00:09:22.049 --> 00:09:26.190 done. Now, I'm imagining there's probably some 00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:29.139 Ladies right now, possibly driving in their minivan, 00:09:29.360 --> 00:09:32.779 taking a walk with your headphones on, and you're 00:09:32.779 --> 00:09:36.019 saying to yourself, I just cannot wait to let 00:09:36.019 --> 00:09:38.960 my husband know he really needs to hear today's 00:09:38.960 --> 00:09:41.200 message. And you're right, he probably does. 00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:44.639 And my confession is, believe me, I've had my 00:09:44.639 --> 00:09:47.460 moments of being a really passive husband. We 00:09:47.460 --> 00:09:50.120 all do that. I've had my moments of being lazy. 00:09:50.500 --> 00:09:53.820 I've had my moments where Man, I've killed it 00:09:53.820 --> 00:09:55.659 at work. I've been up from the wee hours of the 00:09:55.659 --> 00:09:57.700 morning. I've been meetings all day. I had to 00:09:57.700 --> 00:10:00.960 travel. I come home. And yes, in my flesh, it's 00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:02.960 like, Teresa, could you just take care of everything 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:05.960 for a little while? But ladies, I want to encourage 00:10:05.960 --> 00:10:10.039 you that half of the problem is passivity among 00:10:10.039 --> 00:10:13.179 men. But what I want you to know, there is a 00:10:13.179 --> 00:10:16.940 misbelief that women have as well. And it's one 00:10:16.940 --> 00:10:20.259 of the reasons why husbands are not stepping 00:10:20.259 --> 00:10:23.649 up. and leading their homes. And as I read it, 00:10:23.669 --> 00:10:26.129 here's what I want you to do. I want you to ask 00:10:26.129 --> 00:10:30.149 yourself as a woman, are these some of my private 00:10:30.149 --> 00:10:33.149 thoughts? Just between you and yourself, or maybe 00:10:33.149 --> 00:10:36.549 even you and God, are there times where this 00:10:36.549 --> 00:10:40.009 thought goes through your mind? Lie number 13. 00:10:40.750 --> 00:10:44.509 My husband is almost like another child I have 00:10:44.509 --> 00:10:47.230 to take care of. If I don't handle our finances, 00:10:47.909 --> 00:10:50.409 the house, our children, and major decisions, 00:10:50.629 --> 00:10:54.470 this place would fall apart tomorrow. Is that 00:10:54.470 --> 00:10:57.129 any of you? Do you find, oh, the bills are coming 00:10:57.129 --> 00:10:59.830 due. School season's coming. What school should 00:10:59.830 --> 00:11:01.929 they be in? What about all their supplies? How 00:11:01.929 --> 00:11:05.350 much does it cost? Do you find yourself owning 00:11:05.350 --> 00:11:08.610 all the responsibility and seeing, I've even 00:11:08.610 --> 00:11:10.809 heard women say this, maybe they've got two boys, 00:11:10.909 --> 00:11:12.590 and she'll say, well, I have one daughter and 00:11:12.590 --> 00:11:15.529 three boys. I have two boys and then one husband. 00:11:15.649 --> 00:11:18.559 I have to take care as well. In fact, I've heard 00:11:18.559 --> 00:11:21.480 couples calling the other person mom or dad. 00:11:21.820 --> 00:11:25.159 No, no, no, no. You're spouses. Kids get to call 00:11:25.159 --> 00:11:28.440 you mom or dad. You need to treat one another 00:11:28.440 --> 00:11:31.399 as peers and co -heirs of the grace of God and 00:11:31.399 --> 00:11:34.779 as a man and a woman made for one another. And 00:11:34.779 --> 00:11:37.259 what happens in relationships is men get passive 00:11:37.259 --> 00:11:40.220 and women begin to treat their husbands like 00:11:40.220 --> 00:11:43.860 one of the kids. I'm going to go and probe a 00:11:43.860 --> 00:11:46.919 little bit here. So this is for your good. I 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:50.600 want to suggest that that misbelief says I'm 00:11:50.600 --> 00:11:53.960 a victim. All the weight, all the responsibility 00:11:53.960 --> 00:11:58.019 is on me. And yes, he does need to step up. But 00:11:58.019 --> 00:12:02.740 the question is this. Do you trust God enough 00:12:02.740 --> 00:12:07.500 to provide room for him to step up? Let me put 00:12:07.500 --> 00:12:10.580 it this way. Here's the truth. When I, as a woman, 00:12:10.620 --> 00:12:12.899 take care of everything myself, I'm actually 00:12:12.899 --> 00:12:16.289 usurping my husband's God -given role. Until 00:12:16.289 --> 00:12:19.470 I stop taking care of everything, my husband 00:12:19.470 --> 00:12:23.830 will never step up and leave. This is Living 00:12:23.830 --> 00:12:26.190 on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and Chip will be 00:12:26.190 --> 00:12:28.549 back to finish today's message in just a minute. 00:12:28.730 --> 00:12:31.509 But let me first gently ask you, is your marriage 00:12:31.509 --> 00:12:34.210 in trouble right now? Do you and your mate need 00:12:34.210 --> 00:12:37.289 a practical biblical tool to revive and transform 00:12:37.289 --> 00:12:40.250 your relationship? Well, we've developed a brand 00:12:40.250 --> 00:12:43.340 new resource designed to do just that. So stick 00:12:43.340 --> 00:12:45.379 around after the teaching to hear about this 00:12:45.379 --> 00:12:48.639 practical way we are encouraging couples. Until 00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:50.899 then, here again is Chip to continue our series, 00:12:51.059 --> 00:12:55.080 Uninvited Guests. Now, I've had a lot of conversations 00:12:55.080 --> 00:12:57.980 with a lot of couples, and this is a hard one 00:12:57.980 --> 00:13:00.440 to digest. And here's what it really boils down 00:13:00.440 --> 00:13:04.120 to. At the end of the day, can you trust God? 00:13:04.740 --> 00:13:07.720 You see... Most of us as men, we don't really 00:13:07.720 --> 00:13:10.519 get moving until there's a crisis. And most of 00:13:10.519 --> 00:13:13.340 you as women see the crisis coming way before 00:13:13.340 --> 00:13:16.639 we do. And so you see it coming and you just 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:19.519 take care of stuff. How many of you, when you 00:13:19.519 --> 00:13:21.299 get up during the day and you look around and 00:13:21.299 --> 00:13:23.220 there's clothes on the floor, they're not yours, 00:13:23.379 --> 00:13:25.950 they're your husband's, you pick them up. How 00:13:25.950 --> 00:13:27.950 many of you, when there's dishes laid out here 00:13:27.950 --> 00:13:30.350 or there and they were your husband's, you put 00:13:30.350 --> 00:13:32.950 them away? How many of you, when something isn't 00:13:32.950 --> 00:13:35.590 done and he said he would do it and you think 00:13:35.590 --> 00:13:37.370 he's probably not going to get around to it because 00:13:37.370 --> 00:13:38.789 there's been a lot of times he didn't get around 00:13:38.789 --> 00:13:40.610 to it and you said it doesn't have to get done 00:13:40.610 --> 00:13:43.210 until Thursday, but let's face it, right? It's 00:13:43.210 --> 00:13:45.429 Wednesday late afternoon. You just went ahead 00:13:45.429 --> 00:13:50.090 and did it yourself. Sound familiar? If you don't 00:13:50.090 --> 00:13:54.200 step in, he'll never step up. I've talked to 00:13:54.200 --> 00:13:56.639 a lot of husbands, and I've had this conversation 00:13:56.639 --> 00:13:59.720 with couples where, I mean, the eyes are flaring 00:13:59.720 --> 00:14:02.200 at one another as, you know, am I supposed to 00:14:02.200 --> 00:14:04.700 just let the bills go and let the electricity 00:14:04.700 --> 00:14:08.080 get turned off? I'm not saying you need to be 00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:12.620 that extreme, but if things never drop, your 00:14:12.620 --> 00:14:15.200 husband will never wake up to the fact that his 00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:18.360 responsibility that he owns is never getting 00:14:18.360 --> 00:14:21.919 done. And that's a hard point. In fact, the passage 00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:24.320 I want to give you as wives is this, because 00:14:24.320 --> 00:14:27.759 it really boils down to, if you're going to create 00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:30.580 room for your husbands, it means you're going 00:14:30.580 --> 00:14:33.460 to have to trust God. The passage I have for 00:14:33.460 --> 00:14:36.919 you ladies is Proverbs 3, 5, and 6. Trust in 00:14:36.919 --> 00:14:39.559 the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your 00:14:39.559 --> 00:14:42.960 own understandings. In all your ways, submit 00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:46.019 to him, and he will make your path straight, 00:14:46.159 --> 00:14:49.379 or literally, he'll show you what to do. Now, 00:14:49.419 --> 00:14:51.320 let me give you a couple positive ways to do 00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:55.980 this. One is refuse to do things that are his 00:14:55.980 --> 00:14:59.080 job and start out with little things. I think 00:14:59.080 --> 00:15:02.220 my wife learned early on that she could either 00:15:02.220 --> 00:15:05.139 be my wife or she could act like my mom. And 00:15:05.139 --> 00:15:07.220 let me just tell you something. When a woman 00:15:07.220 --> 00:15:11.279 acts like a man's mom, just do the math in your 00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:13.299 mind about what that does to the intimacy of 00:15:13.299 --> 00:15:15.840 your relationship. I don't think I need to say 00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:18.860 much more. My wife communicated very early on, 00:15:18.980 --> 00:15:22.240 I love you. I'm for you. You're a grown up. I'm 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:24.379 going to treat you like the husband that I love 00:15:24.379 --> 00:15:27.139 and the man that I care about, not like your 00:15:27.139 --> 00:15:30.600 mother. If I would happen to leave a towel on 00:15:30.600 --> 00:15:32.980 the floor or sometimes, you know, I'm watching 00:15:32.980 --> 00:15:35.580 a ball game and I take off my shoes and I stick 00:15:35.580 --> 00:15:38.299 my shoes underneath the little coffee table and 00:15:38.299 --> 00:15:40.620 put my feet up. Maybe she goes to bed first and 00:15:40.620 --> 00:15:42.919 I finish that Warriors game, hoping Steph Curry 00:15:42.919 --> 00:15:45.370 is going to bring us through one more time. And 00:15:45.370 --> 00:15:47.850 then I go to bed and I'm a little sleepy. I get 00:15:47.850 --> 00:15:51.389 up, I got things going and I go to work. I come 00:15:51.389 --> 00:15:54.669 back and guess where my shoes are? They're exactly 00:15:54.669 --> 00:15:57.190 where I left them. If I lay something on the 00:15:57.190 --> 00:15:58.850 floor, guess where they're at? They're exactly 00:15:58.850 --> 00:16:02.470 where I lay them. You know, one of the saddest 00:16:02.470 --> 00:16:04.990 experiences I had was my father coming from an 00:16:04.990 --> 00:16:07.549 alcoholic background. My mom was this amazing 00:16:07.549 --> 00:16:10.370 person, but little did she recognize, even though 00:16:10.370 --> 00:16:12.590 she was a counselor, she was such an enabler. 00:16:13.500 --> 00:16:16.360 My father became so passive that he couldn't 00:16:16.360 --> 00:16:19.259 get dressed for work until she picked out his 00:16:19.259 --> 00:16:22.899 clothes. This is an intelligent, really gifted, 00:16:23.019 --> 00:16:26.720 sharp guy who's admired by amazing people, who's 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:29.539 an amazing athlete. And I've seen him in his 00:16:29.539 --> 00:16:32.340 skivvies growing up in his t -shirt going, I 00:16:32.340 --> 00:16:34.799 can't get ready because Marty hasn't picked out 00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:38.340 my clothes. Now, these are extreme. And I'm giving 00:16:38.340 --> 00:16:40.620 you extreme examples because I want to shake 00:16:40.620 --> 00:16:43.899 some of you up to say, ladies, enable, enable, 00:16:44.220 --> 00:16:48.320 enable, enable. You'll emasculate your man. Let 00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:50.919 him have some challenges. Let him struggle with, 00:16:51.000 --> 00:16:53.480 I don't know exactly how to do this or I've never 00:16:53.480 --> 00:16:56.320 done this. He's fearful and he feels inadequate. 00:16:56.779 --> 00:16:59.379 And the more that you do and the more he doesn't 00:16:59.379 --> 00:17:03.539 do, it just reinforces it. It got to such an 00:17:03.539 --> 00:17:06.759 extreme. My mom and dad, being school teachers, 00:17:07.000 --> 00:17:09.839 were always in continuing education. And so my 00:17:09.839 --> 00:17:12.400 mom was taking some classes, and I'll never forget, 00:17:12.579 --> 00:17:14.720 it was like 4 or 5 o 'clock in the afternoon. 00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:18.420 And she came in, and I mean, he was hot. Marty, 00:17:18.539 --> 00:17:20.619 where have you been? What's going on? I can't 00:17:20.619 --> 00:17:22.619 believe it. She goes, well, the class went late. 00:17:22.700 --> 00:17:25.559 He said, well, I have not eaten all day. And 00:17:25.559 --> 00:17:28.119 she said, why? Well, you weren't here to fix 00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:32.109 it. She walks over, opens the refrigerator, it's 00:17:32.109 --> 00:17:35.609 full of food, and he'd become so passive, so 00:17:35.609 --> 00:17:38.450 like I can't do anything, that he couldn't pull 00:17:38.450 --> 00:17:41.029 something out of the refrigerator and feed himself. 00:17:41.910 --> 00:17:45.849 And there are a lot of times where growing up 00:17:45.849 --> 00:17:48.769 and not seeing him be a man and step up, except 00:17:48.769 --> 00:17:52.309 for at work or in athletic things. I really had 00:17:52.309 --> 00:17:54.529 a bit of a critical attitude toward my father, 00:17:54.609 --> 00:17:56.829 a bit of resentment like, hey, come on, Dad, 00:17:57.009 --> 00:18:02.769 step up and be a real man. And years later, my 00:18:02.769 --> 00:18:05.990 mom died. I don't believe I've been as sad at 00:18:05.990 --> 00:18:08.609 any moment, any week, any set of months ever 00:18:08.609 --> 00:18:12.509 in my life. Super, super close to my mom. And 00:18:12.509 --> 00:18:15.710 I'll never forget, my father, he'd finally gone 00:18:15.710 --> 00:18:17.730 back home. We'd been through a very long time 00:18:17.730 --> 00:18:21.880 of medicine and the funeral. in and out of Duke 00:18:21.880 --> 00:18:24.480 Hospital. And it was really challenging. And 00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:26.420 he finally got back home and got on his feet. 00:18:26.559 --> 00:18:29.180 And first time in about three or four weeks, 00:18:29.259 --> 00:18:32.180 I heard some pep in his voice. And you may laugh, 00:18:32.180 --> 00:18:34.480 but he said, yeah, I did something today I've 00:18:34.480 --> 00:18:36.400 never done. Haven't done this in over 40 years. 00:18:36.839 --> 00:18:38.720 I said, what's that? He said, I wrote a check. 00:18:39.380 --> 00:18:42.779 I said, you what? He said, I wrote a check. He 00:18:42.779 --> 00:18:45.059 was having to do some things he had not had to 00:18:45.059 --> 00:18:49.659 do in 40 years. And he was coming alive. And 00:18:49.659 --> 00:18:52.940 by God's grace, some time later, he met a very 00:18:52.940 --> 00:18:56.019 godly woman and she was a widow and they married. 00:18:56.279 --> 00:19:00.220 She wouldn't enable him. And so he didn't want 00:19:00.220 --> 00:19:02.440 to travel. He was afraid to do this or afraid 00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:04.339 to do that. She goes, oh, that's fine. I'll be 00:19:04.339 --> 00:19:06.940 back in a week. And it was like, I guess I'll 00:19:06.940 --> 00:19:10.839 get on a plane. All I'm saying is it's a fine 00:19:10.839 --> 00:19:15.220 line. You need to pray carefully. But men, if 00:19:15.220 --> 00:19:17.700 you want to have a great marriage, you. have 00:19:17.700 --> 00:19:21.019 to step up and own the responsibility. You don't 00:19:21.019 --> 00:19:23.539 have to be good at it. And ladies, if you want 00:19:23.539 --> 00:19:25.940 him to step up, can I give you a couple tools? 00:19:26.180 --> 00:19:29.640 My wife did this with me and looking back, it 00:19:29.640 --> 00:19:32.579 worked. Instead of being frustrated and feeling 00:19:32.579 --> 00:19:34.500 like you have one more child to take care of, 00:19:34.619 --> 00:19:38.559 ask for his help. Let him know that you need 00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:42.160 him. Every man's not lazy. If you feel inadequate 00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:44.619 and fearful and think you're not going to do 00:19:44.619 --> 00:19:48.220 a good job, it's pretty easy to be passive. I 00:19:48.220 --> 00:19:52.220 remember the beginning for us. It was just because 00:19:52.220 --> 00:19:54.559 of what I was doing, what she was doing. Our 00:19:54.559 --> 00:19:57.279 kids were in a very, very poor educational system 00:19:57.279 --> 00:20:01.059 in Texas. And so they would come home and they 00:20:01.059 --> 00:20:03.299 needed a lot of help with their homework. Teresa 00:20:03.299 --> 00:20:04.960 was doing that because she did it right after 00:20:04.960 --> 00:20:07.480 school before I got home. And as they got a little 00:20:07.480 --> 00:20:08.940 bit older, some of the math was a little bit 00:20:08.940 --> 00:20:11.180 more complicated. And she just felt overwhelmed. 00:20:11.299 --> 00:20:13.640 And we were in counseling, so I was learning 00:20:13.640 --> 00:20:15.480 to ask these three questions. Like, you know, 00:20:15.500 --> 00:20:17.420 what are you concerned about? What do you wish? 00:20:17.599 --> 00:20:19.460 What would you be willing to do? Or how can I 00:20:19.460 --> 00:20:22.420 help you? And so she said, I'm overwhelmed with 00:20:22.420 --> 00:20:24.940 the kids' homework. Is there any way you could 00:20:24.940 --> 00:20:27.259 help me, especially with the math and the science 00:20:27.259 --> 00:20:30.599 part? Well, I'm good in those. My dad was a math 00:20:30.599 --> 00:20:32.920 and science teacher. I started doing their math 00:20:32.920 --> 00:20:35.359 and science homework when I got home. Couldn't 00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:37.700 have been three days later. Guys, you need to 00:20:37.700 --> 00:20:39.559 hear this. This is golden stuff for you right 00:20:39.559 --> 00:20:42.339 now. She comes up to me in the hallway and says 00:20:42.339 --> 00:20:45.359 something like, when you help the kids and take 00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:47.680 care of the math and the science, I just feel 00:20:47.680 --> 00:20:49.720 like you've taken the weight of the world off 00:20:49.720 --> 00:20:52.259 my shoulders. You know what that made me feel? 00:20:53.000 --> 00:20:56.119 Man, I'm a real man, right? I'm stepping up. 00:20:56.140 --> 00:20:58.980 I was stepping up in an area that I knew. And 00:20:58.980 --> 00:21:01.980 ladies, even in some things that are a struggle 00:21:01.980 --> 00:21:04.539 and they've been an argument before, instead 00:21:04.539 --> 00:21:08.940 of being resentful, try this. Honey, I know right 00:21:08.940 --> 00:21:12.480 now that we have limited finances and we have 00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:14.660 a lot of bills and there's a lot of challenges 00:21:14.660 --> 00:21:17.799 right now. And I just have to tell you, I just 00:21:17.799 --> 00:21:20.519 don't think I can do this on my own. I need your 00:21:20.519 --> 00:21:23.890 help. Even if we sit down together and write 00:21:23.890 --> 00:21:26.430 out the bills together or I put them in a notebook 00:21:26.430 --> 00:21:29.609 and we meet together to do that, I just don't 00:21:29.609 --> 00:21:32.190 think I can do this without you. Now, the fact 00:21:32.190 --> 00:21:33.630 of the matter, you've been doing it by yourself 00:21:33.630 --> 00:21:37.009 and being resentful. That was another area for 00:21:37.009 --> 00:21:41.029 me that it was, that wasn't a big deal. And my 00:21:41.029 --> 00:21:43.849 wife came to me and I was unaware that she was 00:21:43.849 --> 00:21:47.099 feeling pressure about our finances. I think 00:21:47.099 --> 00:21:50.400 it was about 44 years ago, we started a practice 00:21:50.400 --> 00:21:52.880 that we still do. Every two weeks, we have a 00:21:52.880 --> 00:21:55.359 folder. Every bill that comes in goes in on one 00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:58.359 side. Every two weeks, I get a paycheck. We sit 00:21:58.359 --> 00:22:01.220 down, we open the folder. I take the little checks, 00:22:01.240 --> 00:22:03.819 or we have the computer open, so we do some of 00:22:03.819 --> 00:22:06.380 them online. And we walk through together and 00:22:06.380 --> 00:22:08.960 pay every bill. We know how much savings we have. 00:22:09.079 --> 00:22:11.220 We start with where we're going to give. We make 00:22:11.220 --> 00:22:14.980 decisions about that. We've been on the same 00:22:14.980 --> 00:22:19.140 page for 44 years, but we do it together because 00:22:19.140 --> 00:22:23.319 she came and said, I'm not going to take the 00:22:23.319 --> 00:22:26.579 responsibility for all the areas in our family 00:22:26.579 --> 00:22:29.579 and our relationship that you either never did 00:22:29.579 --> 00:22:32.259 or didn't see your father do or feel inadequate 00:22:32.259 --> 00:22:36.680 or just have fears about it. And if you all can 00:22:36.680 --> 00:22:39.740 break the cycle of passive men that make women 00:22:39.740 --> 00:22:44.019 wild, I am telling you. You will thank God for 00:22:44.019 --> 00:22:47.900 the day that you walk down the path to say, Men, 00:22:48.140 --> 00:22:56.099 step up. Ladies, step in. Let Him lead. You're 00:22:56.099 --> 00:22:58.839 listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:22:58.940 --> 00:23:01.380 And the message you just heard, Who Does What? 00:23:01.500 --> 00:23:04.539 God's Roles for Husbands and Wives, is from our 00:23:04.539 --> 00:23:08.000 series, Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting 00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:15.019 the attacks on your family. Thanks, Dave. In 00:23:15.019 --> 00:23:17.220 the midst of this series, there's something I 00:23:17.220 --> 00:23:19.839 want to share with you. Do you know that less 00:23:19.839 --> 00:23:23.440 than 5 % of all the income... that we receive 00:23:23.440 --> 00:23:25.539 at Living on the Edge comes from resource sales. 00:23:25.759 --> 00:23:28.519 In other words, we literally give a lot of it 00:23:28.519 --> 00:23:31.579 away. Secondly, you may not know it, but unlike 00:23:31.579 --> 00:23:35.059 public TV or public radio where sponsors and 00:23:35.059 --> 00:23:37.559 commercials pay for the airtime, in the Christian 00:23:37.559 --> 00:23:41.140 world, we pay for the airtime. And we have millions 00:23:41.140 --> 00:23:44.039 of people listen to this broadcast each and every 00:23:44.039 --> 00:23:46.700 day, and there's probably less than 1 % that 00:23:46.700 --> 00:23:49.259 become Living on the Edge financial partners. 00:23:49.950 --> 00:23:52.369 The Bible is really clear that where we're receiving 00:23:52.369 --> 00:23:55.250 spiritual nourishment and are being fed spiritually, 00:23:55.529 --> 00:23:58.009 the Apostle Paul says they're a corresponding 00:23:58.009 --> 00:24:01.670 financial commitment to help those who are feeding 00:24:01.670 --> 00:24:04.170 you spiritually. Now, we always talk about doing 00:24:04.170 --> 00:24:06.109 that first and foremost at your local church. 00:24:06.490 --> 00:24:09.710 But I would like to ask you, has Living on the 00:24:09.710 --> 00:24:12.910 Edge ministered to you? Do you catch the program 00:24:12.910 --> 00:24:16.410 a couple times a week? Have you used daily discipleship, 00:24:16.410 --> 00:24:19.789 small group content? If so, would you say, Lord, 00:24:19.990 --> 00:24:23.549 then I should be a part of helping them fulfill 00:24:23.549 --> 00:24:27.190 their calling to disciple God's people, to train 00:24:27.190 --> 00:24:30.170 pastors, and to reach the next generation. Please 00:24:30.170 --> 00:24:34.150 go online today and make a gift, and let's partner 00:24:34.150 --> 00:24:37.089 together. Great challenge, Chip. And please know 00:24:37.089 --> 00:24:40.039 how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular 00:24:40.039 --> 00:24:43.039 support allows us to plan our next steps as a 00:24:43.039 --> 00:24:45.980 ministry and be ready to walk through doors that 00:24:45.980 --> 00:24:49.079 God opens for us. And as Chip said during this 00:24:49.079 --> 00:24:51.619 entire series, if you become a monthly financial 00:24:51.619 --> 00:24:54.299 partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you 00:24:54.299 --> 00:24:56.720 our newest resource, The Marriage That Works 00:24:56.720 --> 00:24:59.759 Truth Cards, as our thank you. Learn more by 00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:03.380 going to livingontheedge .org or by calling 888 00:25:03.380 --> 00:25:10.240 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888 -333 -6003. 6003 00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:14.980 or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners, 00:25:15.079 --> 00:25:17.720 tap donate. Well, until next time, this is Dave 00:25:17.720 --> 00:25:20.039 Druey saying thanks for listening to this edition 00:25:20.039 --> 00:25:21.680 of Living on the Edge.