Have you ever noticed how family dynamics have
evolved even since our grandparents lived? I
mean, back 50, 60 years ago, men were primarily
the breadwinners going to work every day, while
women managed the house and took care of the
kids. So that raises a vital question. How does
this more traditional model stack up against
the ways families function now? And what does
God's Word say about the roles men and women
play in their households? Well, in just a minute,
our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, will tackle these
relevant questions as he continues our series,
Uninvited Guests. I'm Dave Drury, and you're
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
We're an international teaching and discipleship
ministry devoted to helping Christians worldwide
live out their faith for the glory of God and
the good of all. And as I mentioned, today we're
picking up in our new teaching focused on encouraging
parents and couples. For the past few messages,
Chip's highlighted the dangerous misbeliefs that
husbands and wives have held which can harm their
relationships. So if you want to go back and
listen to a program you may have missed, it's
not too late to catch up. You can easily listen
at livingontheedge .org or wherever you listen
to podcasts. Okay, grab your notes and Bible
and settle in now for Chip's message, Who Does
What? God's Roles for Husbands and Wives. A number
of years ago, I came across a book that sort
of identified one of the most common frictions
that I experienced in counseling couples. It
was by a San Francisco psychologist, Dr. Pierre
Mornell. He named the book Passive Men, Wild
Women. And so I went ahead and Googled it, went
on Amazon to find out what's a description of
the book. I'd read it. It was years ago. But
listen to this. This is Pierre Mornell's classic
study of modern relationships and why they break
down so often. Relationships just don't work
well when the man neglects to take the lead when
he should, neglects to make decisions at home,
and fails to be proactive in his involvement
with his family. The expression he uses is wet
noodle to describe modern husbands. He talked
about high -powered men in the financial district
of San Francisco who were taking the bull by
the horns, leading major companies. But he found
himself counseling their wives who said, when
this strong, dynamic leader who's building these
businesses comes home. He's passive. It's like
he's not engaged. And by the way, I think the
wet noodle description might be a little too
strong. My experience is that a lot of men come
off passive because they really think they're
being like a servant leader. It's such a common
problem. I had an opportunity, as I've shared
recently, to help with some young adult Sunday
school class. And we were going through a book
that I wrote and sitting around the tables and
talking with him. And as this came up, I asked
these young men, I said, so what's it look like
to be active and proactive at home? And the one
guy said, well, I'm really trying to be a good
Christian husband. And so we're going to go out
to eat. I'll say, well, where do you want to
go? Or we're thinking about something for the
kids. And I think she probably knows more than
me. So I'll say, well, what do you think we should
do? I said, did you ever consider that when you
ask all the questions that she ends up making
all the decisions, what she feels is all the
weight and all the responsibility for the family.
And then one guy said, I think part of it, I'm
trying to be a servant leader. And the other
part is I don't feel like I'll make good decisions.
I think she'll probably know better. And when
I'm really honest, if she'll make them all, then
I don't have to. And the misbelief that I want
to identify here. is this misbelief. And some
of these I say in a way to give a little edge
to them so that there's something inside you
that goes, oh boy, I don't look at that that
way. Misbelief number 12 is husbands are to earn
the money and wives are to take care of the kids
and the house. In other words, there can be a
misbelief as a man, and maybe you grew up this
way, or maybe you come up out of background where
there was even some teaching you got this way.
Look, I go out, I earn the money, I bring the
money home. I provide for us your job, you take
care of the house, you take care of the kids.
So when I come home, I don't have any responsibility.
Some of that may have been old school and worked
in another day, but I got news for you. If you
want to have a very, very frustrated wife, not
have much intimacy in your marriage, just keep
believing that. Just keep believing that somehow
all you need to do is earn the paycheck and you're
done. The truth is this. As a husband, I am a
servant leader in our home. I am responsible,
listen carefully, to provide for and protect
my family's physical, spiritual, and emotional
needs as I model Jesus every day. Now, I understand
that for some, you're passive, and others, it's,
can I just be honest with you, fellas? It's because
you're lazy. Lazy doesn't mean that you're playing
video games in the back room for four hours.
My definition of lazy is failing to do what you
need to do when it needs to be done. In fact,
discipline is doing what needs to be done when
it needs to be done, especially when you don't
feel like it. Here's the deal. We as men need
to understand provision is important, but we
need to understand that we're to be a servant
leader, not just in the financial provision.
but in the spiritual leadership, in the emotional
leadership, and that I'm to model Jesus each
and every day. And now think of this. I really
want you to ponder for just a minute. In Ephesians
chapter 6, it talks about the role of men. In
Ephesians chapter 5, it talks about the role
of men. It says that I'm supposed to lead the
way Jesus leads. That whole issue about headship
is way more about responsibility rather than
authority. You know, I happen to be the CEO of
the organization that I get to lead. And sure,
I have significant influence, but actually I
go to bed most nights with a weight of responsibility.
Does our staff have all that they need? Do we
have enough resources to get there? Am I being
a bottleneck anywhere right now in the organization
so that we can't fulfill the mission? I want
to get the best information. And if there's a
conflict or God gives me a very clear leading,
I'm going to own. This is a step we need to take.
but rarely does that ever happen in isolation.
Your job as the leader is to draw the best out
of your wife, to cherish her, to help the kids,
to be the servant leader, to lead in a way where
you're responsible, where you think the buck
stops with me. Are my kids growing spiritually?
I appreciate what my wife does. I'm really glad
what they do at Sunday school. I'm thankful for
a good church. It's great that we have a youth
group, but guess what? The youth group is not
going to stand before God for the spiritual development
of my child. I am. Ephesians 6 says, Fathers,
do not exasperate your children, but bring them
up in the discipline and the nurture of the Lord.
The word discipline there means you shape your
child's behavior by actions. The word nurture
means you do it by words. So your actions and
your words become guardrails and a pathway where
you help your kids learn to love God, treat their
mother with respect, honor one another, learn
to be self -disciplined, learn to care about
other people. See, that's what it means to be
the man of the house. That's what it means to
be a servant leader. And so this misbelief that,
hey, once I've done my job, brought in some money,
I don't have any responsibility. That is a recipe
for disaster in your marriage. I want you to
ponder this passage, Ephesians 5 verses 1 and
2. Follow God's example therefore as dearly beloved
children and walk in the way of love just as
Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as
a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. In
other words, walking in love in your marriage.
Walking in love as a father in a family, it means
you follow Christ's example. Notice what it says.
As a dearly loved child, staying connected to
the Father where you feel loved and affirmed.
Jesus did his ministry not to please his Father.
He did it from the pleasure of his Father. Remember,
he came out of that baptism water. This is my
beloved Son in whom I'm well pleased. He understood
how much God loved him. God loves you. You need
to understand you don't earn your wife's favor.
You don't earn your kid's affirmation. You have
God's, and so you can lead as a servant. And
when you do, a lot of wonderful things happen.
So don't buy the lie that you're just the money
earner, and when you've done that, your job is
done. Now, I'm imagining there's probably some
Ladies right now, possibly driving in their minivan,
taking a walk with your headphones on, and you're
saying to yourself, I just cannot wait to let
my husband know he really needs to hear today's
message. And you're right, he probably does.
And my confession is, believe me, I've had my
moments of being a really passive husband. We
all do that. I've had my moments of being lazy.
I've had my moments where Man, I've killed it
at work. I've been up from the wee hours of the
morning. I've been meetings all day. I had to
travel. I come home. And yes, in my flesh, it's
like, Teresa, could you just take care of everything
for a little while? But ladies, I want to encourage
you that half of the problem is passivity among
men. But what I want you to know, there is a
misbelief that women have as well. And it's one
of the reasons why husbands are not stepping
up. and leading their homes. And as I read it,
here's what I want you to do. I want you to ask
yourself as a woman, are these some of my private
thoughts? Just between you and yourself, or maybe
even you and God, are there times where this
thought goes through your mind? Lie number 13.
My husband is almost like another child I have
to take care of. If I don't handle our finances,
the house, our children, and major decisions,
this place would fall apart tomorrow. Is that
any of you? Do you find, oh, the bills are coming
due. School season's coming. What school should
they be in? What about all their supplies? How
much does it cost? Do you find yourself owning
all the responsibility and seeing, I've even
heard women say this, maybe they've got two boys,
and she'll say, well, I have one daughter and
three boys. I have two boys and then one husband.
I have to take care as well. In fact, I've heard
couples calling the other person mom or dad.
No, no, no, no. You're spouses. Kids get to call
you mom or dad. You need to treat one another
as peers and co -heirs of the grace of God and
as a man and a woman made for one another. And
what happens in relationships is men get passive
and women begin to treat their husbands like
one of the kids. I'm going to go and probe a
little bit here. So this is for your good. I
want to suggest that that misbelief says I'm
a victim. All the weight, all the responsibility
is on me. And yes, he does need to step up. But
the question is this. Do you trust God enough
to provide room for him to step up? Let me put
it this way. Here's the truth. When I, as a woman,
take care of everything myself, I'm actually
usurping my husband's God -given role. Until
I stop taking care of everything, my husband
will never step up and leave. This is Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and Chip will be
back to finish today's message in just a minute.
But let me first gently ask you, is your marriage
in trouble right now? Do you and your mate need
a practical biblical tool to revive and transform
your relationship? Well, we've developed a brand
new resource designed to do just that. So stick
around after the teaching to hear about this
practical way we are encouraging couples. Until
then, here again is Chip to continue our series,
Uninvited Guests. Now, I've had a lot of conversations
with a lot of couples, and this is a hard one
to digest. And here's what it really boils down
to. At the end of the day, can you trust God?
You see... Most of us as men, we don't really
get moving until there's a crisis. And most of
you as women see the crisis coming way before
we do. And so you see it coming and you just
take care of stuff. How many of you, when you
get up during the day and you look around and
there's clothes on the floor, they're not yours,
they're your husband's, you pick them up. How
many of you, when there's dishes laid out here
or there and they were your husband's, you put
them away? How many of you, when something isn't
done and he said he would do it and you think
he's probably not going to get around to it because
there's been a lot of times he didn't get around
to it and you said it doesn't have to get done
until Thursday, but let's face it, right? It's
Wednesday late afternoon. You just went ahead
and did it yourself. Sound familiar? If you don't
step in, he'll never step up. I've talked to
a lot of husbands, and I've had this conversation
with couples where, I mean, the eyes are flaring
at one another as, you know, am I supposed to
just let the bills go and let the electricity
get turned off? I'm not saying you need to be
that extreme, but if things never drop, your
husband will never wake up to the fact that his
responsibility that he owns is never getting
done. And that's a hard point. In fact, the passage
I want to give you as wives is this, because
it really boils down to, if you're going to create
room for your husbands, it means you're going
to have to trust God. The passage I have for
you ladies is Proverbs 3, 5, and 6. Trust in
the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your
own understandings. In all your ways, submit
to him, and he will make your path straight,
or literally, he'll show you what to do. Now,
let me give you a couple positive ways to do
this. One is refuse to do things that are his
job and start out with little things. I think
my wife learned early on that she could either
be my wife or she could act like my mom. And
let me just tell you something. When a woman
acts like a man's mom, just do the math in your
mind about what that does to the intimacy of
your relationship. I don't think I need to say
much more. My wife communicated very early on,
I love you. I'm for you. You're a grown up. I'm
going to treat you like the husband that I love
and the man that I care about, not like your
mother. If I would happen to leave a towel on
the floor or sometimes, you know, I'm watching
a ball game and I take off my shoes and I stick
my shoes underneath the little coffee table and
put my feet up. Maybe she goes to bed first and
I finish that Warriors game, hoping Steph Curry
is going to bring us through one more time. And
then I go to bed and I'm a little sleepy. I get
up, I got things going and I go to work. I come
back and guess where my shoes are? They're exactly
where I left them. If I lay something on the
floor, guess where they're at? They're exactly
where I lay them. You know, one of the saddest
experiences I had was my father coming from an
alcoholic background. My mom was this amazing
person, but little did she recognize, even though
she was a counselor, she was such an enabler.
My father became so passive that he couldn't
get dressed for work until she picked out his
clothes. This is an intelligent, really gifted,
sharp guy who's admired by amazing people, who's
an amazing athlete. And I've seen him in his
skivvies growing up in his t -shirt going, I
can't get ready because Marty hasn't picked out
my clothes. Now, these are extreme. And I'm giving
you extreme examples because I want to shake
some of you up to say, ladies, enable, enable,
enable, enable. You'll emasculate your man. Let
him have some challenges. Let him struggle with,
I don't know exactly how to do this or I've never
done this. He's fearful and he feels inadequate.
And the more that you do and the more he doesn't
do, it just reinforces it. It got to such an
extreme. My mom and dad, being school teachers,
were always in continuing education. And so my
mom was taking some classes, and I'll never forget,
it was like 4 or 5 o 'clock in the afternoon.
And she came in, and I mean, he was hot. Marty,
where have you been? What's going on? I can't
believe it. She goes, well, the class went late.
He said, well, I have not eaten all day. And
she said, why? Well, you weren't here to fix
it. She walks over, opens the refrigerator, it's
full of food, and he'd become so passive, so
like I can't do anything, that he couldn't pull
something out of the refrigerator and feed himself.
And there are a lot of times where growing up
and not seeing him be a man and step up, except
for at work or in athletic things. I really had
a bit of a critical attitude toward my father,
a bit of resentment like, hey, come on, Dad,
step up and be a real man. And years later, my
mom died. I don't believe I've been as sad at
any moment, any week, any set of months ever
in my life. Super, super close to my mom. And
I'll never forget, my father, he'd finally gone
back home. We'd been through a very long time
of medicine and the funeral. in and out of Duke
Hospital. And it was really challenging. And
he finally got back home and got on his feet.
And first time in about three or four weeks,
I heard some pep in his voice. And you may laugh,
but he said, yeah, I did something today I've
never done. Haven't done this in over 40 years.
I said, what's that? He said, I wrote a check.
I said, you what? He said, I wrote a check. He
was having to do some things he had not had to
do in 40 years. And he was coming alive. And
by God's grace, some time later, he met a very
godly woman and she was a widow and they married.
She wouldn't enable him. And so he didn't want
to travel. He was afraid to do this or afraid
to do that. She goes, oh, that's fine. I'll be
back in a week. And it was like, I guess I'll
get on a plane. All I'm saying is it's a fine
line. You need to pray carefully. But men, if
you want to have a great marriage, you. have
to step up and own the responsibility. You don't
have to be good at it. And ladies, if you want
him to step up, can I give you a couple tools?
My wife did this with me and looking back, it
worked. Instead of being frustrated and feeling
like you have one more child to take care of,
ask for his help. Let him know that you need
him. Every man's not lazy. If you feel inadequate
and fearful and think you're not going to do
a good job, it's pretty easy to be passive. I
remember the beginning for us. It was just because
of what I was doing, what she was doing. Our
kids were in a very, very poor educational system
in Texas. And so they would come home and they
needed a lot of help with their homework. Teresa
was doing that because she did it right after
school before I got home. And as they got a little
bit older, some of the math was a little bit
more complicated. And she just felt overwhelmed.
And we were in counseling, so I was learning
to ask these three questions. Like, you know,
what are you concerned about? What do you wish?
What would you be willing to do? Or how can I
help you? And so she said, I'm overwhelmed with
the kids' homework. Is there any way you could
help me, especially with the math and the science
part? Well, I'm good in those. My dad was a math
and science teacher. I started doing their math
and science homework when I got home. Couldn't
have been three days later. Guys, you need to
hear this. This is golden stuff for you right
now. She comes up to me in the hallway and says
something like, when you help the kids and take
care of the math and the science, I just feel
like you've taken the weight of the world off
my shoulders. You know what that made me feel?
Man, I'm a real man, right? I'm stepping up.
I was stepping up in an area that I knew. And
ladies, even in some things that are a struggle
and they've been an argument before, instead
of being resentful, try this. Honey, I know right
now that we have limited finances and we have
a lot of bills and there's a lot of challenges
right now. And I just have to tell you, I just
don't think I can do this on my own. I need your
help. Even if we sit down together and write
out the bills together or I put them in a notebook
and we meet together to do that, I just don't
think I can do this without you. Now, the fact
of the matter, you've been doing it by yourself
and being resentful. That was another area for
me that it was, that wasn't a big deal. And my
wife came to me and I was unaware that she was
feeling pressure about our finances. I think
it was about 44 years ago, we started a practice
that we still do. Every two weeks, we have a
folder. Every bill that comes in goes in on one
side. Every two weeks, I get a paycheck. We sit
down, we open the folder. I take the little checks,
or we have the computer open, so we do some of
them online. And we walk through together and
pay every bill. We know how much savings we have.
We start with where we're going to give. We make
decisions about that. We've been on the same
page for 44 years, but we do it together because
she came and said, I'm not going to take the
responsibility for all the areas in our family
and our relationship that you either never did
or didn't see your father do or feel inadequate
or just have fears about it. And if you all can
break the cycle of passive men that make women
wild, I am telling you. You will thank God for
the day that you walk down the path to say, Men,
step up. Ladies, step in. Let Him lead. You're
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
And the message you just heard, Who Does What?
God's Roles for Husbands and Wives, is from our
series, Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting
the attacks on your family. Thanks, Dave. In
the midst of this series, there's something I
want to share with you. Do you know that less
than 5 % of all the income... that we receive
at Living on the Edge comes from resource sales.
In other words, we literally give a lot of it
away. Secondly, you may not know it, but unlike
public TV or public radio where sponsors and
commercials pay for the airtime, in the Christian
world, we pay for the airtime. And we have millions
of people listen to this broadcast each and every
day, and there's probably less than 1 % that
become Living on the Edge financial partners.
The Bible is really clear that where we're receiving
spiritual nourishment and are being fed spiritually,
the Apostle Paul says they're a corresponding
financial commitment to help those who are feeding
you spiritually. Now, we always talk about doing
that first and foremost at your local church.
But I would like to ask you, has Living on the
Edge ministered to you? Do you catch the program
a couple times a week? Have you used daily discipleship,
small group content? If so, would you say, Lord,
then I should be a part of helping them fulfill
their calling to disciple God's people, to train
pastors, and to reach the next generation. Please
go online today and make a gift, and let's partner
together. Great challenge, Chip. And please know
how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular
support allows us to plan our next steps as a
ministry and be ready to walk through doors that
God opens for us. And as Chip said during this
entire series, if you become a monthly financial
partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you
our newest resource, The Marriage That Works
Truth Cards, as our thank you. Learn more by
going to livingontheedge .org or by calling 888
-333 -6003. Again, that's 888 -333 -6003. 6003
or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners,
tap donate. Well, until next time, this is Dave
Druey saying thanks for listening to this edition
of Living on the Edge.