WEBVTT 00:00:01.290 --> 00:00:03.529 Have you ever found yourself in an emotional 00:00:03.529 --> 00:00:06.530 standoff with your mate? You had an argument 00:00:06.530 --> 00:00:09.250 or disagreement, then each of you waited for 00:00:09.250 --> 00:00:12.490 the other to apologize. Or worse yet, if no one 00:00:12.490 --> 00:00:14.910 took the first step, did you sweep the issue 00:00:14.910 --> 00:00:17.629 and all your feelings under the rug? Well, today 00:00:17.629 --> 00:00:20.429 we'll learn how unresolved conflict and impossible 00:00:20.429 --> 00:00:23.710 expectations can damage the foundation of your 00:00:23.710 --> 00:00:26.769 marriage. Hello, everyone. I'm Dave Drew. You're 00:00:26.769 --> 00:00:29.469 listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:30.089 --> 00:00:31.769 And in just a minute, Chip will pick up in our 00:00:31.769 --> 00:00:34.990 newest series, Uninvited Guests. Now, in this 00:00:34.990 --> 00:00:37.289 program, he'll debunk the notion that marriage 00:00:37.289 --> 00:00:40.950 should be easy by revealing three more lies that 00:00:40.950 --> 00:00:43.490 couples have believed. But with that, here's 00:00:43.490 --> 00:00:45.969 Chip with his message, The Perfect Marriage Myth. 00:00:47.090 --> 00:00:50.350 One of the things I really love doing, although 00:00:50.350 --> 00:00:52.969 I'm not a senior pastor anymore, I was asked 00:00:52.969 --> 00:00:56.119 to help with a young married couples class. And 00:00:56.119 --> 00:00:58.780 so I started one of the classes and I said something 00:00:58.780 --> 00:01:02.020 very matter of fact. I said, all of you will 00:01:02.020 --> 00:01:04.120 at some point in your marriage struggle with 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:08.540 roles, money, in -laws, and sex. And I kind of 00:01:08.540 --> 00:01:12.000 paused and I looked around the room and it wasn't 00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:14.920 audible, but it was like a gasp, like what, what? 00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:17.659 And the others were like, I can see other people 00:01:17.659 --> 00:01:20.680 with those kinds of issues, but that could never 00:01:20.680 --> 00:01:24.640 be a problem for us. I assured them that no matter 00:01:24.640 --> 00:01:27.239 how much they loved each other, at some point 00:01:27.239 --> 00:01:30.019 they're going to have conflict and probably arguments 00:01:30.019 --> 00:01:34.400 about roles. Who does what and how often? Who 00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:36.319 takes care of this and who takes care of that? 00:01:36.640 --> 00:01:38.780 Hey, why didn't you fill up my car with gas, 00:01:38.859 --> 00:01:41.500 dear? And you think, well, because it's not my 00:01:41.500 --> 00:01:44.359 car. And then you find out that, in my case, 00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:47.840 well, her dad always filled up the car with gas. 00:01:47.900 --> 00:01:51.849 That's what men do. Well, they didn't do that 00:01:51.849 --> 00:01:54.010 at my house. My dad couldn't even change the 00:01:54.010 --> 00:01:57.469 oil. And it sounds funny now, but whether it's 00:01:57.469 --> 00:02:01.170 a family of origin issues or discovering who 00:02:01.170 --> 00:02:04.549 should do what or when or coming to some convictions 00:02:04.549 --> 00:02:06.569 about what does the Bible teach about some big 00:02:06.569 --> 00:02:09.349 fundamental roles and then how's that going to 00:02:09.349 --> 00:02:11.909 work out in our relationship with our gifts and 00:02:11.909 --> 00:02:15.490 how do we handle the finances and who owns which 00:02:15.490 --> 00:02:17.650 part of it or how do we stay on top of it together? 00:02:18.159 --> 00:02:21.439 Those are realities of two people living their 00:02:21.439 --> 00:02:23.979 lives and come together and they become one. 00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:26.219 And so roles are going to be an issue. I mean, 00:02:26.240 --> 00:02:28.360 we can laugh about who takes the garbage out, 00:02:28.379 --> 00:02:30.960 but I got news. Someone has to take the garbage 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:35.240 out. Or in -laws. The first Thanksgiving comes 00:02:35.240 --> 00:02:37.819 up. Well, we're going to my parents. What do 00:02:37.819 --> 00:02:39.599 you mean your parents? My parents want us to 00:02:39.599 --> 00:02:41.819 come there. Well, oh man, we can't do that. If 00:02:41.819 --> 00:02:44.539 we don't go to my parents, they'll be so disappointed 00:02:44.539 --> 00:02:47.080 and so hurt. And so who's going to tell which 00:02:47.080 --> 00:02:49.780 parent? And then pretty soon there's a big argument 00:02:49.780 --> 00:02:52.580 about that. And then we try the every other year 00:02:52.580 --> 00:02:55.719 plan and it doesn't matter what you do. And see, 00:02:55.800 --> 00:02:59.180 the issue is not in -laws. The issue is about 00:02:59.180 --> 00:03:03.550 loyalty. The issue is about expectations. The 00:03:03.550 --> 00:03:06.430 issue later becomes about boundaries. And so 00:03:06.430 --> 00:03:09.909 you're going to argue about in -law issues because 00:03:09.909 --> 00:03:13.550 at some point in time, if your mate seems to 00:03:13.550 --> 00:03:15.990 be putting her family ahead of your relationship, 00:03:16.330 --> 00:03:19.949 you've got a problem. If there's a chance that 00:03:19.949 --> 00:03:22.870 some things are happening where they're encroaching 00:03:22.870 --> 00:03:25.389 on your marriage or on how you're raising your 00:03:25.389 --> 00:03:27.490 children and you have to set some boundaries, 00:03:27.689 --> 00:03:30.949 those are tough conversations. Those were some 00:03:30.949 --> 00:03:33.490 of the hardest that I had to have with, especially 00:03:33.490 --> 00:03:37.590 Teresa's father. Or think about the issue of 00:03:37.590 --> 00:03:39.810 money. If you don't think you're going to have 00:03:39.810 --> 00:03:41.949 some conflicts over money, but it's never really 00:03:41.949 --> 00:03:45.310 about money. See, it's about values and priorities. 00:03:45.629 --> 00:03:48.729 We have so much money. What are we going to spend 00:03:48.729 --> 00:03:51.969 it on? All I'm trying to get to is that these 00:03:51.969 --> 00:03:55.039 are the kind of things that cause conflict. For 00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:57.900 others, they've got this secularized Hollywood 00:03:57.900 --> 00:04:00.759 view of sex and thinks it's all about some experience. 00:04:00.900 --> 00:04:03.699 And that's what matters versus how do you cherish 00:04:03.699 --> 00:04:06.740 and serve your mate? Some will come out of a 00:04:06.740 --> 00:04:09.780 promiscuous background and really struggle with 00:04:09.780 --> 00:04:13.199 past memories or issues they've had. Others come 00:04:13.199 --> 00:04:16.019 from maybe a real holiness background and literally 00:04:16.019 --> 00:04:20.980 think sex is bad. And so if sex and roles and 00:04:20.980 --> 00:04:25.519 money and in -laws at different seasons are going 00:04:25.519 --> 00:04:28.579 to be major problems, guess what? You get stuck. 00:04:29.319 --> 00:04:32.680 What do you mean? I mean, you argue about them, 00:04:32.740 --> 00:04:35.000 you bury them, they come up, and you keep going 00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:37.279 round and round, and over time they build resentment, 00:04:37.319 --> 00:04:39.860 and you have a problem, and a problem's caused 00:04:39.860 --> 00:04:42.279 division, and division caused problems in a marriage, 00:04:42.360 --> 00:04:44.720 so what do you do? Well, a lot of couples just 00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:47.300 hunker down. Well, we just get through this, 00:04:47.399 --> 00:04:50.779 or they bury it, and then resentment grows. If 00:04:50.779 --> 00:04:52.660 you're a baseball fan, what do you know about 00:04:52.660 --> 00:04:56.170 every baseball player. The greatest hitters of 00:04:56.170 --> 00:04:58.910 all time always have what? They have a slump. 00:04:59.170 --> 00:05:01.509 I mean, they can't figure it out. Been batting 00:05:01.509 --> 00:05:05.970 .325 for years and .45 home runs, and the season's 00:05:05.970 --> 00:05:08.689 two months in. I'm batting .128. Something's 00:05:08.689 --> 00:05:10.829 wrong. Well, what do they do? They watch film, 00:05:10.949 --> 00:05:15.550 and then they get a coach, an older player mentor, 00:05:15.810 --> 00:05:18.730 and they say, I don't know what's going on. I 00:05:18.730 --> 00:05:21.850 know I'm a good hitter, but something's wrong. 00:05:22.759 --> 00:05:27.339 Lie number nine of what kills and destroys marriages 00:05:27.339 --> 00:05:30.199 is this. Getting help for our marriage from a 00:05:30.199 --> 00:05:34.680 counselor or a mentor is for losers. We should 00:05:34.680 --> 00:05:37.420 be able to figure this out on our own. And besides, 00:05:37.819 --> 00:05:40.639 we don't want to broadcast our problems to everyone 00:05:40.639 --> 00:05:43.480 around the world. We don't need outside help. 00:05:43.980 --> 00:05:48.100 The underlying message is being vulnerable is 00:05:48.100 --> 00:05:52.199 scary. And I'm afraid. And that can be the man, 00:05:52.279 --> 00:05:54.500 that can be the woman, that can be both of you. 00:05:54.579 --> 00:05:57.740 If we invite someone into this relationship, 00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:01.860 we're going to get exposed. Here's the truth. 00:06:02.379 --> 00:06:05.720 Every great athlete, artist, and business executive 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:09.079 knows the value of a coach. We all get stuck 00:06:09.079 --> 00:06:12.000 on occasion, and we need help to work through 00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:16.220 these issues we can't see for ourselves. Now, 00:06:16.240 --> 00:06:19.660 sometimes that's an older friend. There was probably 00:06:19.660 --> 00:06:22.139 not a church that we ever served in that we didn't 00:06:22.139 --> 00:06:25.600 find an older couple or two that we felt like 00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:28.519 they're 10 years, maybe 15 years down the road, 00:06:28.560 --> 00:06:31.100 and we're going to become friends with them because 00:06:31.100 --> 00:06:34.120 I don't know what that decade looks like, but 00:06:34.120 --> 00:06:36.019 they look like they came through it pretty well. 00:06:36.139 --> 00:06:38.220 I want to hang out with someone that I can say, 00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:40.879 how did you go through your 50s? Or later, how 00:06:40.879 --> 00:06:43.639 did you go through your 60s? Or our kids are... 00:06:43.930 --> 00:06:45.629 They're going away to school and the empty nest 00:06:45.629 --> 00:06:48.329 is coming. And how did you guys negotiate that? 00:06:48.389 --> 00:06:50.649 At other times, it's a little more formal. Maybe 00:06:50.649 --> 00:06:53.230 you meet with one of your pastors or maybe your 00:06:53.230 --> 00:06:55.910 small group leader is a gifted facilitator. Or 00:06:55.910 --> 00:06:59.209 maybe it's a really, really biblical Christian 00:06:59.209 --> 00:07:03.930 therapist. And you just say, we're stuck. And 00:07:03.930 --> 00:07:06.930 unfortunately, if you stay stuck, the problems 00:07:06.930 --> 00:07:09.790 don't get better. They get bigger and bigger 00:07:09.790 --> 00:07:13.300 and bigger. And over time. The problem isn't 00:07:13.300 --> 00:07:15.459 just the problem. The problem is your husband. 00:07:15.620 --> 00:07:18.459 The problem is your wife. It's the way he always 00:07:18.459 --> 00:07:21.420 is. It's the way she always is. And you begin 00:07:21.420 --> 00:07:24.860 to create a world where you start to label and 00:07:24.860 --> 00:07:28.279 blame your mate in ways that are really negative 00:07:28.279 --> 00:07:32.000 and it's hard to get out of. My personal issue 00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:37.019 was that I was proud. I'm in seminary. I majored 00:07:37.019 --> 00:07:40.639 in psychology. I've led a ministry. I've helped 00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:43.540 other people with their problems. We did our 00:07:43.540 --> 00:07:47.160 marriage, our dating God's way. We should figure 00:07:47.160 --> 00:07:50.060 this out. And the picture, literally, I had in 00:07:50.060 --> 00:07:52.839 my mind was, I'm going to walk in to some counseling 00:07:52.839 --> 00:07:55.720 area. And as I'm sitting out there in the waiting 00:07:55.720 --> 00:07:59.399 room, someone I know is going to walk in. Wow, 00:07:59.720 --> 00:08:02.319 I didn't know you had such big problems. You 00:08:02.319 --> 00:08:06.279 needed a counselor. And the truth is, I had such 00:08:06.279 --> 00:08:09.839 big problems, I really needed a counselor. I 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:12.240 think I have at least average to above average 00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:14.899 intelligence. And my wife, certainly, she's a 00:08:14.899 --> 00:08:17.160 smart lady. Well, we couldn't figure it out. 00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:21.120 We got stuck. The greatest step we ever took 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:24.220 was going to counseling. And I thought, if my 00:08:24.220 --> 00:08:27.360 marriage doesn't work, I can't be a pastor. Now, 00:08:27.379 --> 00:08:29.939 back then, we got the student rate, which was 00:08:29.939 --> 00:08:33.879 really good, $90 an hour. And I'm making $1 ,000 00:08:33.879 --> 00:08:38.919 a month. It is the best $90 I spent in my whole 00:08:38.919 --> 00:08:42.779 life. That $90 taught us how to communicate. 00:08:43.179 --> 00:08:47.519 That $90 helped my wife and I both realize we're 00:08:47.519 --> 00:08:51.000 both insecure. We're both afraid. We both have 00:08:51.000 --> 00:08:54.720 baggage. And here is the beauty. I got to listen 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:59.039 to my wife tell someone what some issues and 00:08:59.039 --> 00:09:01.519 problems and struggles were that I never heard 00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:04.799 in my life. And I got to share some things that 00:09:04.799 --> 00:09:07.139 I would have probably liked to say to her that 00:09:07.139 --> 00:09:09.970 I didn't have the courage to say. And my wife 00:09:09.970 --> 00:09:13.190 could eavesdrop and realize, wow, Chip's really 00:09:13.190 --> 00:09:16.730 hurting. He's really struggling. What I received 00:09:16.730 --> 00:09:19.730 out of that experience was compassion from my 00:09:19.730 --> 00:09:22.610 wife. And what I gained was understanding about, 00:09:22.730 --> 00:09:27.110 oh, she's doing this because that's how she grew 00:09:27.110 --> 00:09:30.230 up. That's how she was treated before. That's 00:09:30.230 --> 00:09:33.710 what she fears. I just can't encourage you enough. 00:09:34.149 --> 00:09:37.590 Do not believe this lie. that getting help for 00:09:37.590 --> 00:09:40.929 your marriage from a counselor or a mentor is 00:09:40.929 --> 00:09:44.389 for losers. Every great athlete, artist, and 00:09:44.389 --> 00:09:47.029 business executive knows the value of a coach. 00:09:47.470 --> 00:09:51.029 We all get stuck on occasion, and we need help 00:09:51.029 --> 00:09:52.929 to work through the issues that we can't see 00:09:52.929 --> 00:09:56.230 for ourselves. My passage for this one is 1 Peter 00:09:56.230 --> 00:10:00.779 5 .5. In the same way, You who are younger, submit 00:10:00.779 --> 00:10:04.139 yourselves to your elders. And all of you, clothe 00:10:04.139 --> 00:10:06.340 yourselves with humility toward one another, 00:10:06.559 --> 00:10:09.820 because God is opposed to the proud, but he shows 00:10:09.820 --> 00:10:13.399 favor to the humble. It was in humbling myself 00:10:13.399 --> 00:10:17.320 that I experienced God's favor, and our marriage 00:10:17.320 --> 00:10:20.740 got restored. It was work, but God did it. And 00:10:20.740 --> 00:10:23.799 he did it because I refused to believe at some 00:10:23.799 --> 00:10:26.559 point in time, and my wife refused to believe 00:10:26.559 --> 00:10:30.399 that we could do it on our own. You're listening 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:33.120 to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll 00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:35.320 get back to today's message in just a minute. 00:10:35.419 --> 00:10:38.240 But quickly, throughout this series, Chip's emphasized 00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:41.480 the fact that great marriages require a lot of 00:10:41.480 --> 00:10:44.320 work. And that's where we come in. Keep listening 00:10:44.320 --> 00:10:46.700 after this message to learn more about a helpful 00:10:46.700 --> 00:10:49.639 new resource we've created that couples can use 00:10:49.639 --> 00:10:52.659 to grow and strengthen their relationship. Stick 00:10:52.659 --> 00:10:55.549 around to get all of the details. For now, here 00:10:55.549 --> 00:10:58.250 again is Chip to continue our series on invited 00:10:58.250 --> 00:11:03.269 guests. Now, if things aren't resolved, and especially 00:11:03.269 --> 00:11:06.409 if you don't get outside help, it can lead to 00:11:06.409 --> 00:11:10.710 misbelief number 10 and number 11. And these 00:11:10.710 --> 00:11:14.149 are when you go from having problems with an 00:11:14.149 --> 00:11:17.870 issue to having problems with the person. And 00:11:17.870 --> 00:11:20.909 there's a difference. Lots of people have issues 00:11:20.909 --> 00:11:24.399 in their marriage. But unresolved issues over 00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:27.559 time, you shift to blaming the other person. 00:11:27.720 --> 00:11:30.139 And then you shift from not only blaming, but 00:11:30.139 --> 00:11:33.059 you assign motives. Not only is your husband 00:11:33.059 --> 00:11:36.100 that way, but the reason he does that is X, Y, 00:11:36.100 --> 00:11:38.960 and Z. Not only is your wife that way, but the 00:11:38.960 --> 00:11:42.250 reason she does it is X, Y, and Z. And then you 00:11:42.250 --> 00:11:44.710 play these tapes in your head, these tapes of, 00:11:44.809 --> 00:11:47.769 well, she only cares about this or that, or he 00:11:47.769 --> 00:11:50.289 only cares about this or that. And if she really 00:11:50.289 --> 00:11:54.210 loved me, if he really loved me, then. And you 00:11:54.210 --> 00:11:58.049 nurse these and you feed them and you put up 00:11:58.049 --> 00:12:01.529 with stuff and you bury it. And if you bury it 00:12:01.529 --> 00:12:04.350 deep enough, you get depressed. If you bury it 00:12:04.350 --> 00:12:06.789 for a while and then there's a spark, you explode. 00:12:07.450 --> 00:12:09.129 And then pretty soon, if you're not careful, 00:12:09.210 --> 00:12:11.649 you can find yourself living these parallel lives 00:12:11.649 --> 00:12:15.549 where you go and find your fulfillment in some 00:12:15.549 --> 00:12:18.610 area and your mate goes and finds her fulfillment 00:12:18.610 --> 00:12:22.070 in some area and you agree around money or work 00:12:22.070 --> 00:12:26.129 or kids and you do this parallel life thing and 00:12:26.129 --> 00:12:30.169 it breaks Jesus' heart because he made us to 00:12:30.169 --> 00:12:34.490 become one and to grow in intimacy. And so misbelief 00:12:34.490 --> 00:12:39.659 number 10 is A wife's misbelief. All he cares 00:12:39.659 --> 00:12:42.879 about is work and sports. I feel like I'm left 00:12:42.879 --> 00:12:45.620 to do all the work of raising our kids and taking 00:12:45.620 --> 00:12:48.659 care of our home. I wonder sometimes if he even 00:12:48.659 --> 00:12:52.860 cares. Notice this misbelief. It assumes you 00:12:52.860 --> 00:12:56.399 know what he really cares about. I feel like 00:12:56.399 --> 00:12:58.899 I'm left to do all the work raising the kids 00:12:58.899 --> 00:13:02.600 and taking care of our home. And the underlying 00:13:02.600 --> 00:13:06.789 message is I feel unimportant, unloved. rejected. 00:13:07.549 --> 00:13:11.690 I wonder, does he still love me? And that goes 00:13:11.690 --> 00:13:14.669 to other darker places like, am I still attractive? 00:13:15.250 --> 00:13:19.970 Am I still lovable? Am I worthwhile? And those 00:13:19.970 --> 00:13:23.110 things begin to create a lot of things in a woman's 00:13:23.110 --> 00:13:27.190 heart and life that lead to a very dark place. 00:13:27.929 --> 00:13:31.529 Here's the truth. Men default to areas where 00:13:31.529 --> 00:13:34.779 they feel comfortable. Your husband has fears 00:13:34.779 --> 00:13:37.559 and insecurities about being a spiritual leader 00:13:37.559 --> 00:13:41.539 and an effective father. Criticism and disrespect 00:13:41.539 --> 00:13:45.299 will heighten those fears and push him away. 00:13:45.879 --> 00:13:50.340 Do you get it? Let me go back to a little time 00:13:50.340 --> 00:13:54.700 prior to our counseling. I'm married. I've never 00:13:54.700 --> 00:13:57.740 been married before, but I marry someone who 00:13:57.740 --> 00:14:00.480 has been married before. Back of my mind, I'm 00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:02.100 thinking there might be some comparison here. 00:14:02.840 --> 00:14:04.720 And I may not be very good at being married. 00:14:04.840 --> 00:14:08.360 Think of every aspect. Well, we've been married 00:14:08.360 --> 00:14:10.299 about six months, and guess what? I'm a father. 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:14.639 I don't have a clue. I know I'm not a good father. 00:14:14.679 --> 00:14:18.059 In fact, I'm inept. I'm inadequate. I don't even 00:14:18.059 --> 00:14:21.259 know what I'm doing. Later on in seminary, I 00:14:21.259 --> 00:14:23.259 wrote my thesis on the role and responsibility 00:14:23.259 --> 00:14:26.559 of the father in the family, mostly because I 00:14:26.559 --> 00:14:28.379 needed it desperately, and I thought, I better 00:14:28.379 --> 00:14:31.740 figure this out somehow. In addition, I'm in 00:14:31.740 --> 00:14:34.889 seminary. I have a really good memory. I don't 00:14:34.889 --> 00:14:36.970 know that I'm all that smart, but I got an amazing 00:14:36.970 --> 00:14:39.669 memory. And so I always did really well in school. 00:14:39.850 --> 00:14:41.570 So I've been to college. I've been to graduate 00:14:41.570 --> 00:14:44.450 school. I did really, really well. And now they 00:14:44.450 --> 00:14:46.769 dropped me in this place called seminary. I mean, 00:14:46.809 --> 00:14:51.019 the first week. Christology, pneumatology, eschatology. 00:14:51.200 --> 00:14:53.299 Man, there's all these words. What in the world 00:14:53.299 --> 00:14:54.620 are these people talking about? And they've been 00:14:54.620 --> 00:14:56.419 to Bible school and they know this and they know 00:14:56.419 --> 00:14:59.240 that. And then the first day in Greek is this. 00:14:59.240 --> 00:15:01.440 And then you go to a Hebrew class. And by the 00:15:01.440 --> 00:15:03.100 way, it's good to have you gentlemen read these 00:15:03.100 --> 00:15:07.740 1500 pages by two weeks. I mean, I was so overwhelmed. 00:15:07.879 --> 00:15:10.279 And for the first time in my quote, educational 00:15:10.279 --> 00:15:13.740 life, I felt like I'm not sure I can make it 00:15:13.740 --> 00:15:18.059 here. So I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not 00:15:18.059 --> 00:15:20.179 going to be a good husband or a good father. 00:15:20.340 --> 00:15:23.200 And I've got this whole new world of I need to 00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:26.440 hold down a job and make money and go to seminary. 00:15:26.919 --> 00:15:29.399 And what I learned from that counselor was to 00:15:29.399 --> 00:15:31.759 help me see that I was afraid and that was normal. 00:15:32.080 --> 00:15:34.840 It's okay if you have two jobs and you're afraid 00:15:34.840 --> 00:15:36.879 that you may not be able to support your family. 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:40.360 Those are normal emotions. And as I shared those 00:15:40.360 --> 00:15:43.220 things, guess what? I looked over and I've got 00:15:43.220 --> 00:15:46.440 this wife with tears coming down her eyes. compassionate. 00:15:46.759 --> 00:15:50.340 She was concerned about me. But what I presented 00:15:50.340 --> 00:15:54.659 was, why are you messing with me? But what I 00:15:54.659 --> 00:15:58.600 was really hiding from was all my fears and all 00:15:58.600 --> 00:16:01.879 my insecurities and all my struggles that I did 00:16:01.879 --> 00:16:04.659 not know how to communicate, nor did she know 00:16:04.659 --> 00:16:08.440 how to get it out of me. The verse here is 1 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:12.559 Peter 3, 1 and 2. Wives, in the same way, submit 00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:15.539 yourselves to your own husbands so that if any 00:16:15.539 --> 00:16:18.240 of them do not believe the word, they may be 00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:21.000 won over without a word by the behavior of their 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:24.320 wives when they see the purity and the reverence 00:16:24.320 --> 00:16:29.919 of your lives. My world changed when my wife 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:33.879 was compassionate, kind, and understanding and 00:16:33.879 --> 00:16:37.919 created a safe place for my inadequacies and 00:16:37.919 --> 00:16:41.419 my fears. and my insecurities. That was just 00:16:41.419 --> 00:16:45.080 the opposite of hands on her hips. All he cares 00:16:45.080 --> 00:16:48.799 about is work and sports. I defaulted like most 00:16:48.799 --> 00:16:51.919 men do to areas where we're confident. And that 00:16:51.919 --> 00:16:55.960 tends to be our work or sports or computers or 00:16:55.960 --> 00:16:58.379 whatever it is that makes us as a man feel like 00:16:58.379 --> 00:17:01.200 we're in control. We know what we're doing. And 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:05.519 so we run there and we hide there. Is it good? 00:17:05.680 --> 00:17:09.400 No, but you need as a wife to understand. That's 00:17:09.400 --> 00:17:16.839 the truth. And husbands, you have a very similar 00:17:16.839 --> 00:17:20.599 misbelief. The misbelief for husbands is lie 00:17:20.599 --> 00:17:23.900 number 11. It goes something like this. All my 00:17:23.900 --> 00:17:26.920 wife cares about is the kids and the calendar. 00:17:27.099 --> 00:17:30.079 Our sex life is on life support because she's 00:17:30.079 --> 00:17:34.240 always tired or making excuses. Sometimes I wonder 00:17:34.240 --> 00:17:39.059 if she even cares. Sound familiar, guys? The 00:17:39.059 --> 00:17:42.220 underlying message as a man is I feel rejected 00:17:42.220 --> 00:17:45.900 and I feel unimportant. And so what do you do? 00:17:45.960 --> 00:17:50.019 You assign motives and you assign blame. And 00:17:50.019 --> 00:17:51.980 by the way, I've had to learn this and then relearn 00:17:51.980 --> 00:17:54.220 it with different seasons. Please don't hear 00:17:54.220 --> 00:17:57.119 me say, I had 12 sessions and man, it's been 00:17:57.119 --> 00:18:00.880 great and no problems ever since. No, I did 12 00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:03.779 sessions of counseling that helped me discover 00:18:03.779 --> 00:18:06.809 how much help I needed. where we needed to go, 00:18:06.970 --> 00:18:10.470 and we've been learning ever since. And if I 00:18:10.470 --> 00:18:14.089 could be so bold, we've been stuck. You mean 00:18:14.089 --> 00:18:16.349 you got stuck even while you were pastoring like 00:18:16.349 --> 00:18:19.730 a really large church? Yes. You got stuck in 00:18:19.730 --> 00:18:22.150 the empty nest when the whole world changed and 00:18:22.150 --> 00:18:25.829 seasons changed? Yep. What did you do? Well, 00:18:26.009 --> 00:18:29.230 I talked to mentors and coaches and friends who 00:18:29.230 --> 00:18:31.329 would really help me. And on a couple occasions, 00:18:31.650 --> 00:18:35.809 I know a guy who's an amazing biblical counselor. 00:18:35.930 --> 00:18:38.289 And I said, you know something, Teresa and I 00:18:38.289 --> 00:18:39.950 have been working through this for a few months 00:18:39.950 --> 00:18:41.930 and we're just kind of butting heads. You think 00:18:41.930 --> 00:18:43.950 you could meet with us two or three times and 00:18:43.950 --> 00:18:46.150 help us kind of get some perspective? Sure, Chip, 00:18:46.210 --> 00:18:50.170 be glad to. Can I tell you something? This happens 00:18:50.170 --> 00:18:52.769 in seasons. Sometimes it's right after that baby 00:18:52.769 --> 00:18:55.450 comes. I don't know how many young men have conceded, 00:18:55.450 --> 00:18:59.650 I feel so guilty. I feel so guilty. I said, what 00:18:59.650 --> 00:19:02.349 do you feel so guilty about? It was just the 00:19:02.349 --> 00:19:04.190 two of us. We had this great marriage. It was 00:19:04.190 --> 00:19:06.690 really wonderful. And then this baby came, and 00:19:06.690 --> 00:19:08.589 I mean, it was awesome, and it's cute, and I 00:19:08.589 --> 00:19:10.269 held it, and she held it, and we get up at night 00:19:10.269 --> 00:19:12.589 together, and we share everything, and it's wonderful. 00:19:12.769 --> 00:19:14.490 I mean, that was good for three or four months, 00:19:14.609 --> 00:19:17.630 but now I don't think she knows I exist. I mean, 00:19:17.670 --> 00:19:20.849 children are great, but I want to be number one. 00:19:21.650 --> 00:19:25.509 And at the same time, our intimacy is gone. She's 00:19:25.509 --> 00:19:28.609 preoccupied. Her whole world is wrapped up in 00:19:28.609 --> 00:19:31.240 that child. and you got a little attention at 00:19:31.240 --> 00:19:34.920 the gym, or the barista sure is cute at the coffee 00:19:34.920 --> 00:19:38.859 shop, or there's a co -worker that is kindly 00:19:38.859 --> 00:19:41.579 asking, how are things at home, and is everything 00:19:41.579 --> 00:19:44.819 okay? You seem a little down, and you start sharing 00:19:44.819 --> 00:19:46.900 with someone else other than your wife some of 00:19:46.900 --> 00:19:49.720 your struggles, and they sure seem accepting. 00:19:50.519 --> 00:19:52.579 And if you want to get set up for an affair, 00:19:53.130 --> 00:19:55.410 If you want to get set up for destroying your 00:19:55.410 --> 00:19:58.349 marriage, set up for destroying your kids' lives, 00:19:58.670 --> 00:20:02.329 your future, perhaps your job, and a lot of other 00:20:02.329 --> 00:20:05.170 things that go with it, I just can't tell you 00:20:05.170 --> 00:20:07.210 how many times I've sat across the table from 00:20:07.210 --> 00:20:10.829 a godly man that in a weak moment allowed this 00:20:10.829 --> 00:20:13.710 misbelief to rattle around in his head and then 00:20:13.710 --> 00:20:16.589 into his heart where he thought all my wife cares 00:20:16.589 --> 00:20:19.529 about is the kids or the calendar or what's going 00:20:19.529 --> 00:20:23.660 on at church. The truth is women default to areas 00:20:23.660 --> 00:20:26.900 where they feel confident. Your wife has fears 00:20:26.900 --> 00:20:30.339 and insecurities about her value, her identity, 00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:33.660 and her physical attractiveness. Sarcasm about 00:20:33.660 --> 00:20:37.140 sex, her looks, or preoccupation with the kids 00:20:37.140 --> 00:20:40.700 will only reinforce her feelings of inadequacy, 00:20:40.700 --> 00:20:44.440 and they will drive her away. The verse here 00:20:44.440 --> 00:20:48.569 is Ephesians 5, 28 and 29. In the same way, husbands 00:20:48.569 --> 00:20:51.569 ought to love their wives as their own body. 00:20:51.789 --> 00:20:55.730 He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, 00:20:55.869 --> 00:20:58.990 no one ever hated his own body, but they feed 00:20:58.990 --> 00:21:02.029 and care for their body just as Christ does the 00:21:02.029 --> 00:21:06.450 church. See, what I learned was that my wife 00:21:06.450 --> 00:21:09.309 growing up, when she was going through a rough 00:21:09.309 --> 00:21:12.349 time, she would go out by herself and play her 00:21:12.349 --> 00:21:15.170 guitar. And she's an introvert. And she would 00:21:15.170 --> 00:21:17.809 just get alone all by herself because that's 00:21:17.809 --> 00:21:21.509 her safe space. And what I learned was that she 00:21:21.509 --> 00:21:23.750 went through a very painful rejection at home 00:21:23.750 --> 00:21:26.450 and then another one in a marriage when her husband 00:21:26.450 --> 00:21:29.450 ran off with another woman. So in our conflicts, 00:21:29.549 --> 00:21:33.490 she's thinking, I may be failing as a wife. This 00:21:33.490 --> 00:21:36.599 could be happening again. She's feeling. I don't 00:21:36.599 --> 00:21:38.720 fit into the seminary crowd. All these people 00:21:38.720 --> 00:21:41.319 have all this education and chips in a different 00:21:41.319 --> 00:21:43.960 world. And someday, are we going to drift apart? 00:21:44.759 --> 00:21:48.660 She focused what? On our children and on other 00:21:48.660 --> 00:21:51.019 areas. Why? Because that's where she was comfortable. 00:21:51.220 --> 00:21:54.299 And what I learned was when I heard she was as 00:21:54.299 --> 00:21:57.440 afraid and hurting and as insecure as me in some 00:21:57.440 --> 00:21:59.940 areas. And I got to hear that. Guess what? I 00:21:59.940 --> 00:22:04.250 had compassion. I thought, oh. It's not just 00:22:04.250 --> 00:22:07.150 she only cares about the kids. It's that she's 00:22:07.150 --> 00:22:12.170 hiding there because that feels safe. Can I encourage 00:22:12.170 --> 00:22:16.089 you, if you need some help to get unstuck, make 00:22:16.089 --> 00:22:19.869 a phone call today to a friend, a mentor, a pastor, 00:22:20.049 --> 00:22:23.849 or a Christian biblical therapist and talk to 00:22:23.849 --> 00:22:26.049 your mate and say, you know something? We're 00:22:26.049 --> 00:22:28.789 both smart people. If we could figure this out, 00:22:28.869 --> 00:22:31.130 we would have done it by now. Why don't we go 00:22:31.130 --> 00:22:33.839 to counseling? And if for any reason this has 00:22:33.839 --> 00:22:36.400 gone a bit too far and they won't go, you go 00:22:36.400 --> 00:22:40.099 by yourself. Because once you change, the whole 00:22:40.099 --> 00:22:44.039 system changes. Lord, would you please speak 00:22:44.039 --> 00:22:47.079 powerfully to those that are stuck and that are 00:22:47.079 --> 00:22:49.779 hurting? And part of what I shared is just, it's 00:22:49.779 --> 00:22:52.579 like I'm reading their mail and I know what's 00:22:52.579 --> 00:22:55.460 going on inside their home. You know what's going 00:22:55.460 --> 00:22:58.700 on and you want to help them. Would you give 00:22:58.700 --> 00:23:00.990 them the grace to take that step? and to get 00:23:00.990 --> 00:23:08.069 some outside help. In Jesus' name, amen. This 00:23:08.069 --> 00:23:11.349 is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And you've 00:23:11.349 --> 00:23:13.289 been listening to Chip's message, The Perfect 00:23:13.289 --> 00:23:16.690 Marriage Myth, from our series, Uninvited Guests, 00:23:16.869 --> 00:23:19.589 recognizing and resisting the attacks on your 00:23:19.589 --> 00:23:21.920 family. Well, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, 00:23:21.980 --> 00:23:24.220 is with me now. And Chip, throughout this series, 00:23:24.380 --> 00:23:26.579 you've highlighted a new resource we've created 00:23:26.579 --> 00:23:29.279 for couples. Can you tell us a bit more about 00:23:29.279 --> 00:23:32.700 it? Be glad to, Dave. We're calling them Marriage 00:23:32.700 --> 00:23:35.700 That Works Truth Cards. And there's two things 00:23:35.700 --> 00:23:38.440 that these cards do. They provide foundational 00:23:38.440 --> 00:23:42.019 truths about marriage, and they expose the prominent 00:23:42.019 --> 00:23:45.079 lies that almost every couple believes. Let me 00:23:45.079 --> 00:23:47.619 give you an example. When I finally meet the 00:23:47.619 --> 00:23:50.130 right person, everything will be fine. Well, 00:23:50.150 --> 00:23:52.309 then on that card, there has a stop sign, and 00:23:52.309 --> 00:23:54.650 then you flip it over, and it says marrying the 00:23:54.650 --> 00:23:57.549 right person is crucial. But even with the greatest 00:23:57.549 --> 00:23:59.869 mate, a successful marriage requires following 00:23:59.869 --> 00:24:03.869 God's design, putting in the hard work, and persevering 00:24:03.869 --> 00:24:06.190 through difficulties and relying on the Holy 00:24:06.190 --> 00:24:08.599 Spirit's power. And here's what I want you to 00:24:08.599 --> 00:24:11.299 get. When marriages get tough, when you hit a 00:24:11.299 --> 00:24:14.599 rough patch, and we all do, that lie creeps in. 00:24:14.700 --> 00:24:16.819 Maybe I married the wrong person. If I could 00:24:16.819 --> 00:24:19.200 just find the right person. And it's easy to 00:24:19.200 --> 00:24:21.380 get out of this relationship and find someone 00:24:21.380 --> 00:24:25.519 else. We want to help couples focus in on the 00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:28.740 truth that will build the kind of marriages that 00:24:28.740 --> 00:24:31.700 cause families to thrive. So if you would like 00:24:31.700 --> 00:24:33.680 to strengthen your marriage, let me encourage 00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:36.220 you, get these cards. Dave, could you take a 00:24:36.220 --> 00:24:38.099 minute and help people understand exactly how 00:24:38.099 --> 00:24:40.500 to get these? Sure, Chip. It's actually really 00:24:40.500 --> 00:24:43.319 simple. Throughout this entire series, for anyone 00:24:43.319 --> 00:24:45.619 who chooses to become a monthly partner with 00:24:45.619 --> 00:24:47.880 Living on the Edge, we'll send you these new 00:24:47.880 --> 00:24:50.779 Marriage That Works Truth Cards as our way of 00:24:50.779 --> 00:24:53.339 saying thanks. So please pray about supporting 00:24:53.339 --> 00:24:56.359 us. Your gifts have an eternal impact as we fight 00:24:56.359 --> 00:24:59.279 for marriages and families everywhere. To learn 00:24:59.279 --> 00:25:02.180 how to become a monthly partner, visit livingontheedge 00:25:02.180 --> 00:25:08.460 .org or call us at 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 00:25:08.460 --> 00:25:15.079 -333 -6003 or go to livingontheedge .org. App 00:25:15.079 --> 00:25:17.460 listeners, tap donate. Well, be sure to join 00:25:17.460 --> 00:25:20.640 us next time as Chip continues his series, Uninvited 00:25:20.640 --> 00:25:23.539 Guests, recognizing and resisting the attacks 00:25:23.539 --> 00:25:26.720 on your family. Until then, I'm Dave Drewy saying 00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:29.140 thanks for listening to this edition of Living 00:25:29.140 --> 00:25:29.940 on the Edge.