Have you ever found yourself in an emotional
standoff with your mate? You had an argument
or disagreement, then each of you waited for
the other to apologize. Or worse yet, if no one
took the first step, did you sweep the issue
and all your feelings under the rug? Well, today
we'll learn how unresolved conflict and impossible
expectations can damage the foundation of your
marriage. Hello, everyone. I'm Dave Drew. You're
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
And in just a minute, Chip will pick up in our
newest series, Uninvited Guests. Now, in this
program, he'll debunk the notion that marriage
should be easy by revealing three more lies that
couples have believed. But with that, here's
Chip with his message, The Perfect Marriage Myth.
One of the things I really love doing, although
I'm not a senior pastor anymore, I was asked
to help with a young married couples class. And
so I started one of the classes and I said something
very matter of fact. I said, all of you will
at some point in your marriage struggle with
roles, money, in -laws, and sex. And I kind of
paused and I looked around the room and it wasn't
audible, but it was like a gasp, like what, what?
And the others were like, I can see other people
with those kinds of issues, but that could never
be a problem for us. I assured them that no matter
how much they loved each other, at some point
they're going to have conflict and probably arguments
about roles. Who does what and how often? Who
takes care of this and who takes care of that?
Hey, why didn't you fill up my car with gas,
dear? And you think, well, because it's not my
car. And then you find out that, in my case,
well, her dad always filled up the car with gas.
That's what men do. Well, they didn't do that
at my house. My dad couldn't even change the
oil. And it sounds funny now, but whether it's
a family of origin issues or discovering who
should do what or when or coming to some convictions
about what does the Bible teach about some big
fundamental roles and then how's that going to
work out in our relationship with our gifts and
how do we handle the finances and who owns which
part of it or how do we stay on top of it together?
Those are realities of two people living their
lives and come together and they become one.
And so roles are going to be an issue. I mean,
we can laugh about who takes the garbage out,
but I got news. Someone has to take the garbage
out. Or in -laws. The first Thanksgiving comes
up. Well, we're going to my parents. What do
you mean your parents? My parents want us to
come there. Well, oh man, we can't do that. If
we don't go to my parents, they'll be so disappointed
and so hurt. And so who's going to tell which
parent? And then pretty soon there's a big argument
about that. And then we try the every other year
plan and it doesn't matter what you do. And see,
the issue is not in -laws. The issue is about
loyalty. The issue is about expectations. The
issue later becomes about boundaries. And so
you're going to argue about in -law issues because
at some point in time, if your mate seems to
be putting her family ahead of your relationship,
you've got a problem. If there's a chance that
some things are happening where they're encroaching
on your marriage or on how you're raising your
children and you have to set some boundaries,
those are tough conversations. Those were some
of the hardest that I had to have with, especially
Teresa's father. Or think about the issue of
money. If you don't think you're going to have
some conflicts over money, but it's never really
about money. See, it's about values and priorities.
We have so much money. What are we going to spend
it on? All I'm trying to get to is that these
are the kind of things that cause conflict. For
others, they've got this secularized Hollywood
view of sex and thinks it's all about some experience.
And that's what matters versus how do you cherish
and serve your mate? Some will come out of a
promiscuous background and really struggle with
past memories or issues they've had. Others come
from maybe a real holiness background and literally
think sex is bad. And so if sex and roles and
money and in -laws at different seasons are going
to be major problems, guess what? You get stuck.
What do you mean? I mean, you argue about them,
you bury them, they come up, and you keep going
round and round, and over time they build resentment,
and you have a problem, and a problem's caused
division, and division caused problems in a marriage,
so what do you do? Well, a lot of couples just
hunker down. Well, we just get through this,
or they bury it, and then resentment grows. If
you're a baseball fan, what do you know about
every baseball player. The greatest hitters of
all time always have what? They have a slump.
I mean, they can't figure it out. Been batting
.325 for years and .45 home runs, and the season's
two months in. I'm batting .128. Something's
wrong. Well, what do they do? They watch film,
and then they get a coach, an older player mentor,
and they say, I don't know what's going on. I
know I'm a good hitter, but something's wrong.
Lie number nine of what kills and destroys marriages
is this. Getting help for our marriage from a
counselor or a mentor is for losers. We should
be able to figure this out on our own. And besides,
we don't want to broadcast our problems to everyone
around the world. We don't need outside help.
The underlying message is being vulnerable is
scary. And I'm afraid. And that can be the man,
that can be the woman, that can be both of you.
If we invite someone into this relationship,
we're going to get exposed. Here's the truth.
Every great athlete, artist, and business executive
knows the value of a coach. We all get stuck
on occasion, and we need help to work through
these issues we can't see for ourselves. Now,
sometimes that's an older friend. There was probably
not a church that we ever served in that we didn't
find an older couple or two that we felt like
they're 10 years, maybe 15 years down the road,
and we're going to become friends with them because
I don't know what that decade looks like, but
they look like they came through it pretty well.
I want to hang out with someone that I can say,
how did you go through your 50s? Or later, how
did you go through your 60s? Or our kids are...
They're going away to school and the empty nest
is coming. And how did you guys negotiate that?
At other times, it's a little more formal. Maybe
you meet with one of your pastors or maybe your
small group leader is a gifted facilitator. Or
maybe it's a really, really biblical Christian
therapist. And you just say, we're stuck. And
unfortunately, if you stay stuck, the problems
don't get better. They get bigger and bigger
and bigger. And over time. The problem isn't
just the problem. The problem is your husband.
The problem is your wife. It's the way he always
is. It's the way she always is. And you begin
to create a world where you start to label and
blame your mate in ways that are really negative
and it's hard to get out of. My personal issue
was that I was proud. I'm in seminary. I majored
in psychology. I've led a ministry. I've helped
other people with their problems. We did our
marriage, our dating God's way. We should figure
this out. And the picture, literally, I had in
my mind was, I'm going to walk in to some counseling
area. And as I'm sitting out there in the waiting
room, someone I know is going to walk in. Wow,
I didn't know you had such big problems. You
needed a counselor. And the truth is, I had such
big problems, I really needed a counselor. I
think I have at least average to above average
intelligence. And my wife, certainly, she's a
smart lady. Well, we couldn't figure it out.
We got stuck. The greatest step we ever took
was going to counseling. And I thought, if my
marriage doesn't work, I can't be a pastor. Now,
back then, we got the student rate, which was
really good, $90 an hour. And I'm making $1 ,000
a month. It is the best $90 I spent in my whole
life. That $90 taught us how to communicate.
That $90 helped my wife and I both realize we're
both insecure. We're both afraid. We both have
baggage. And here is the beauty. I got to listen
to my wife tell someone what some issues and
problems and struggles were that I never heard
in my life. And I got to share some things that
I would have probably liked to say to her that
I didn't have the courage to say. And my wife
could eavesdrop and realize, wow, Chip's really
hurting. He's really struggling. What I received
out of that experience was compassion from my
wife. And what I gained was understanding about,
oh, she's doing this because that's how she grew
up. That's how she was treated before. That's
what she fears. I just can't encourage you enough.
Do not believe this lie. that getting help for
your marriage from a counselor or a mentor is
for losers. Every great athlete, artist, and
business executive knows the value of a coach.
We all get stuck on occasion, and we need help
to work through the issues that we can't see
for ourselves. My passage for this one is 1 Peter
5 .5. In the same way, You who are younger, submit
yourselves to your elders. And all of you, clothe
yourselves with humility toward one another,
because God is opposed to the proud, but he shows
favor to the humble. It was in humbling myself
that I experienced God's favor, and our marriage
got restored. It was work, but God did it. And
he did it because I refused to believe at some
point in time, and my wife refused to believe
that we could do it on our own. You're listening
to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll
get back to today's message in just a minute.
But quickly, throughout this series, Chip's emphasized
the fact that great marriages require a lot of
work. And that's where we come in. Keep listening
after this message to learn more about a helpful
new resource we've created that couples can use
to grow and strengthen their relationship. Stick
around to get all of the details. For now, here
again is Chip to continue our series on invited
guests. Now, if things aren't resolved, and especially
if you don't get outside help, it can lead to
misbelief number 10 and number 11. And these
are when you go from having problems with an
issue to having problems with the person. And
there's a difference. Lots of people have issues
in their marriage. But unresolved issues over
time, you shift to blaming the other person.
And then you shift from not only blaming, but
you assign motives. Not only is your husband
that way, but the reason he does that is X, Y,
and Z. Not only is your wife that way, but the
reason she does it is X, Y, and Z. And then you
play these tapes in your head, these tapes of,
well, she only cares about this or that, or he
only cares about this or that. And if she really
loved me, if he really loved me, then. And you
nurse these and you feed them and you put up
with stuff and you bury it. And if you bury it
deep enough, you get depressed. If you bury it
for a while and then there's a spark, you explode.
And then pretty soon, if you're not careful,
you can find yourself living these parallel lives
where you go and find your fulfillment in some
area and your mate goes and finds her fulfillment
in some area and you agree around money or work
or kids and you do this parallel life thing and
it breaks Jesus' heart because he made us to
become one and to grow in intimacy. And so misbelief
number 10 is A wife's misbelief. All he cares
about is work and sports. I feel like I'm left
to do all the work of raising our kids and taking
care of our home. I wonder sometimes if he even
cares. Notice this misbelief. It assumes you
know what he really cares about. I feel like
I'm left to do all the work raising the kids
and taking care of our home. And the underlying
message is I feel unimportant, unloved. rejected.
I wonder, does he still love me? And that goes
to other darker places like, am I still attractive?
Am I still lovable? Am I worthwhile? And those
things begin to create a lot of things in a woman's
heart and life that lead to a very dark place.
Here's the truth. Men default to areas where
they feel comfortable. Your husband has fears
and insecurities about being a spiritual leader
and an effective father. Criticism and disrespect
will heighten those fears and push him away.
Do you get it? Let me go back to a little time
prior to our counseling. I'm married. I've never
been married before, but I marry someone who
has been married before. Back of my mind, I'm
thinking there might be some comparison here.
And I may not be very good at being married.
Think of every aspect. Well, we've been married
about six months, and guess what? I'm a father.
I don't have a clue. I know I'm not a good father.
In fact, I'm inept. I'm inadequate. I don't even
know what I'm doing. Later on in seminary, I
wrote my thesis on the role and responsibility
of the father in the family, mostly because I
needed it desperately, and I thought, I better
figure this out somehow. In addition, I'm in
seminary. I have a really good memory. I don't
know that I'm all that smart, but I got an amazing
memory. And so I always did really well in school.
So I've been to college. I've been to graduate
school. I did really, really well. And now they
dropped me in this place called seminary. I mean,
the first week. Christology, pneumatology, eschatology.
Man, there's all these words. What in the world
are these people talking about? And they've been
to Bible school and they know this and they know
that. And then the first day in Greek is this.
And then you go to a Hebrew class. And by the
way, it's good to have you gentlemen read these
1500 pages by two weeks. I mean, I was so overwhelmed.
And for the first time in my quote, educational
life, I felt like I'm not sure I can make it
here. So I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not
going to be a good husband or a good father.
And I've got this whole new world of I need to
hold down a job and make money and go to seminary.
And what I learned from that counselor was to
help me see that I was afraid and that was normal.
It's okay if you have two jobs and you're afraid
that you may not be able to support your family.
Those are normal emotions. And as I shared those
things, guess what? I looked over and I've got
this wife with tears coming down her eyes. compassionate.
She was concerned about me. But what I presented
was, why are you messing with me? But what I
was really hiding from was all my fears and all
my insecurities and all my struggles that I did
not know how to communicate, nor did she know
how to get it out of me. The verse here is 1
Peter 3, 1 and 2. Wives, in the same way, submit
yourselves to your own husbands so that if any
of them do not believe the word, they may be
won over without a word by the behavior of their
wives when they see the purity and the reverence
of your lives. My world changed when my wife
was compassionate, kind, and understanding and
created a safe place for my inadequacies and
my fears. and my insecurities. That was just
the opposite of hands on her hips. All he cares
about is work and sports. I defaulted like most
men do to areas where we're confident. And that
tends to be our work or sports or computers or
whatever it is that makes us as a man feel like
we're in control. We know what we're doing. And
so we run there and we hide there. Is it good?
No, but you need as a wife to understand. That's
the truth. And husbands, you have a very similar
misbelief. The misbelief for husbands is lie
number 11. It goes something like this. All my
wife cares about is the kids and the calendar.
Our sex life is on life support because she's
always tired or making excuses. Sometimes I wonder
if she even cares. Sound familiar, guys? The
underlying message as a man is I feel rejected
and I feel unimportant. And so what do you do?
You assign motives and you assign blame. And
by the way, I've had to learn this and then relearn
it with different seasons. Please don't hear
me say, I had 12 sessions and man, it's been
great and no problems ever since. No, I did 12
sessions of counseling that helped me discover
how much help I needed. where we needed to go,
and we've been learning ever since. And if I
could be so bold, we've been stuck. You mean
you got stuck even while you were pastoring like
a really large church? Yes. You got stuck in
the empty nest when the whole world changed and
seasons changed? Yep. What did you do? Well,
I talked to mentors and coaches and friends who
would really help me. And on a couple occasions,
I know a guy who's an amazing biblical counselor.
And I said, you know something, Teresa and I
have been working through this for a few months
and we're just kind of butting heads. You think
you could meet with us two or three times and
help us kind of get some perspective? Sure, Chip,
be glad to. Can I tell you something? This happens
in seasons. Sometimes it's right after that baby
comes. I don't know how many young men have conceded,
I feel so guilty. I feel so guilty. I said, what
do you feel so guilty about? It was just the
two of us. We had this great marriage. It was
really wonderful. And then this baby came, and
I mean, it was awesome, and it's cute, and I
held it, and she held it, and we get up at night
together, and we share everything, and it's wonderful.
I mean, that was good for three or four months,
but now I don't think she knows I exist. I mean,
children are great, but I want to be number one.
And at the same time, our intimacy is gone. She's
preoccupied. Her whole world is wrapped up in
that child. and you got a little attention at
the gym, or the barista sure is cute at the coffee
shop, or there's a co -worker that is kindly
asking, how are things at home, and is everything
okay? You seem a little down, and you start sharing
with someone else other than your wife some of
your struggles, and they sure seem accepting.
And if you want to get set up for an affair,
If you want to get set up for destroying your
marriage, set up for destroying your kids' lives,
your future, perhaps your job, and a lot of other
things that go with it, I just can't tell you
how many times I've sat across the table from
a godly man that in a weak moment allowed this
misbelief to rattle around in his head and then
into his heart where he thought all my wife cares
about is the kids or the calendar or what's going
on at church. The truth is women default to areas
where they feel confident. Your wife has fears
and insecurities about her value, her identity,
and her physical attractiveness. Sarcasm about
sex, her looks, or preoccupation with the kids
will only reinforce her feelings of inadequacy,
and they will drive her away. The verse here
is Ephesians 5, 28 and 29. In the same way, husbands
ought to love their wives as their own body.
He who loves his wife loves himself. After all,
no one ever hated his own body, but they feed
and care for their body just as Christ does the
church. See, what I learned was that my wife
growing up, when she was going through a rough
time, she would go out by herself and play her
guitar. And she's an introvert. And she would
just get alone all by herself because that's
her safe space. And what I learned was that she
went through a very painful rejection at home
and then another one in a marriage when her husband
ran off with another woman. So in our conflicts,
she's thinking, I may be failing as a wife. This
could be happening again. She's feeling. I don't
fit into the seminary crowd. All these people
have all this education and chips in a different
world. And someday, are we going to drift apart?
She focused what? On our children and on other
areas. Why? Because that's where she was comfortable.
And what I learned was when I heard she was as
afraid and hurting and as insecure as me in some
areas. And I got to hear that. Guess what? I
had compassion. I thought, oh. It's not just
she only cares about the kids. It's that she's
hiding there because that feels safe. Can I encourage
you, if you need some help to get unstuck, make
a phone call today to a friend, a mentor, a pastor,
or a Christian biblical therapist and talk to
your mate and say, you know something? We're
both smart people. If we could figure this out,
we would have done it by now. Why don't we go
to counseling? And if for any reason this has
gone a bit too far and they won't go, you go
by yourself. Because once you change, the whole
system changes. Lord, would you please speak
powerfully to those that are stuck and that are
hurting? And part of what I shared is just, it's
like I'm reading their mail and I know what's
going on inside their home. You know what's going
on and you want to help them. Would you give
them the grace to take that step? and to get
some outside help. In Jesus' name, amen. This
is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And you've
been listening to Chip's message, The Perfect
Marriage Myth, from our series, Uninvited Guests,
recognizing and resisting the attacks on your
family. Well, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram,
is with me now. And Chip, throughout this series,
you've highlighted a new resource we've created
for couples. Can you tell us a bit more about
it? Be glad to, Dave. We're calling them Marriage
That Works Truth Cards. And there's two things
that these cards do. They provide foundational
truths about marriage, and they expose the prominent
lies that almost every couple believes. Let me
give you an example. When I finally meet the
right person, everything will be fine. Well,
then on that card, there has a stop sign, and
then you flip it over, and it says marrying the
right person is crucial. But even with the greatest
mate, a successful marriage requires following
God's design, putting in the hard work, and persevering
through difficulties and relying on the Holy
Spirit's power. And here's what I want you to
get. When marriages get tough, when you hit a
rough patch, and we all do, that lie creeps in.
Maybe I married the wrong person. If I could
just find the right person. And it's easy to
get out of this relationship and find someone
else. We want to help couples focus in on the
truth that will build the kind of marriages that
cause families to thrive. So if you would like
to strengthen your marriage, let me encourage
you, get these cards. Dave, could you take a
minute and help people understand exactly how
to get these? Sure, Chip. It's actually really
simple. Throughout this entire series, for anyone
who chooses to become a monthly partner with
Living on the Edge, we'll send you these new
Marriage That Works Truth Cards as our way of
saying thanks. So please pray about supporting
us. Your gifts have an eternal impact as we fight
for marriages and families everywhere. To learn
how to become a monthly partner, visit livingontheedge
.org or call us at 888 -333 -6003. That's 888
-333 -6003 or go to livingontheedge .org. App
listeners, tap donate. Well, be sure to join
us next time as Chip continues his series, Uninvited
Guests, recognizing and resisting the attacks
on your family. Until then, I'm Dave Drewy saying
thanks for listening to this edition of Living
on the Edge.