WEBVTT 00:00:01.229 --> 00:00:03.669 When you and your co -workers approach a big 00:00:03.669 --> 00:00:06.849 project, it seems perfectly reasonable to divide 00:00:06.849 --> 00:00:09.509 up the tasks evenly so everyone does their fair 00:00:09.509 --> 00:00:12.369 share. But does the same principle work in our 00:00:12.369 --> 00:00:15.390 marriages too? Coming up on Living on the Edge, 00:00:15.529 --> 00:00:18.050 our Bible teacher Chip Ingram argues that this 00:00:18.050 --> 00:00:21.289 idea is actually a subtle lie that will cause 00:00:21.289 --> 00:00:23.850 you to burn out and become resentful toward your 00:00:23.850 --> 00:00:26.890 spouse. I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks for joining us 00:00:26.890 --> 00:00:29.530 as we continue our series, Uninvited Guests, 00:00:29.690 --> 00:00:32.509 recognizing and resisting the attacks on your 00:00:32.509 --> 00:00:35.609 family. So far, Chip's been focusing on the institution 00:00:35.609 --> 00:00:38.829 of marriage, revealing the dangerous misbeliefs 00:00:38.829 --> 00:00:41.630 husbands and wives have adopted, which can destroy 00:00:41.630 --> 00:00:44.509 their relationship. And before he picks up in 00:00:44.509 --> 00:00:46.590 our study, if this is your first time listening 00:00:46.590 --> 00:00:48.969 to Living on the Edge or you're curious about 00:00:48.969 --> 00:00:52.429 what we do or who we are, visit livingontheedge 00:00:52.429 --> 00:00:56.259 .org. you'll discover a wealth of valuable tools 00:00:56.259 --> 00:00:58.640 we've created to equip you in your walk with 00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:03.380 Jesus. So check out livingontheedge .org today. 00:01:04.180 --> 00:01:06.659 All right, grab your Bible and notes and settle 00:01:06.659 --> 00:01:09.920 in for Chip's insightful talk, The 50 -50 Lie. 00:01:11.420 --> 00:01:13.980 As I was thinking about the misbelief that we're 00:01:13.980 --> 00:01:17.000 going to cover, I think of a husband that I know. 00:01:17.180 --> 00:01:19.340 I've known him for over 10 years, maybe a bit 00:01:19.340 --> 00:01:22.680 more. And of all the husbands I've ever known, 00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:25.620 on the face of the earth, I admire him the most. 00:01:25.700 --> 00:01:27.799 Not that I don't have lots of friends that are 00:01:27.799 --> 00:01:30.640 great husbands and I admire and I want to learn 00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:33.719 from them, but this guy has a very unique situation. 00:01:34.439 --> 00:01:36.719 I got to know him as I was pastoring here in 00:01:36.719 --> 00:01:39.280 the Silicon Valley. He immediately got involved. 00:01:39.480 --> 00:01:42.799 His wife had incredible prayer ministry and we 00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:44.640 didn't spend a whole lot of time together, but 00:01:44.640 --> 00:01:47.790 just like, wow. And a little bit later they came 00:01:47.790 --> 00:01:49.730 and said, we'd like to talk to you about something. 00:01:49.829 --> 00:01:52.549 And I thought, oh, what's wrong? And he said, 00:01:52.590 --> 00:01:54.430 my wife and I have been praying and thinking. 00:01:54.569 --> 00:01:57.049 And, you know, this is a very large church. There's 00:01:57.049 --> 00:01:59.629 lots of leaders. And we got to know your son. 00:01:59.829 --> 00:02:02.909 And my son had planted a church about five years 00:02:02.909 --> 00:02:05.969 earlier. And it was on the other side of town, 00:02:06.109 --> 00:02:09.050 real near where they live. And they got to know 00:02:09.050 --> 00:02:11.370 him. He had preached where I was preaching, filled 00:02:11.370 --> 00:02:14.229 in for me a couple times. And he said, would 00:02:14.229 --> 00:02:17.939 you be offended? if we would leave this church 00:02:17.939 --> 00:02:21.900 and go help him and help that church. And I said, 00:02:21.960 --> 00:02:24.819 oh, apologize. Are you kidding? He needs people 00:02:24.819 --> 00:02:27.219 like you. Oh, this would be great. Of course, 00:02:27.219 --> 00:02:30.979 they moved there and he and his wife had been 00:02:30.979 --> 00:02:35.560 just unbelievable, the impact they had and became 00:02:35.560 --> 00:02:39.199 very, very close friends with my son. And I don't 00:02:39.199 --> 00:02:41.759 know all the details, but they were traveling 00:02:41.759 --> 00:02:44.680 and on a vacation and it was either some kind 00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:47.979 of food in a country or a sting of some kind 00:02:47.979 --> 00:02:51.740 of an insect. They're not 100 % sure, but during 00:02:51.740 --> 00:02:54.340 that time, for the first time ever, his wife 00:02:54.340 --> 00:02:57.219 had a seizure. I mean, a really, really violent 00:02:57.219 --> 00:02:59.860 seizure. And they thought, oh, what happened? 00:02:59.979 --> 00:03:01.680 And they did all the kind of tests that you do. 00:03:01.780 --> 00:03:04.699 And there's more seizures. And what's worse is 00:03:04.699 --> 00:03:07.000 we don't know why the seizures. And they're becoming 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:09.819 more violent. Then there's more research. And 00:03:09.819 --> 00:03:12.240 then there's more testing. And then there's other 00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:16.060 medical facilities. And then pretty soon it's 00:03:16.060 --> 00:03:20.379 debilitating. She can't function. Now we're six 00:03:20.379 --> 00:03:23.639 years in. It's limited what he can do. It's impacted 00:03:23.639 --> 00:03:26.620 his work. He loves to volunteer and be a part 00:03:26.620 --> 00:03:29.919 of the church. It's super limited. And the seizures 00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:33.599 continue and growing worse. I've been tracking 00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:37.500 with him just the last week or so and another 00:03:37.500 --> 00:03:40.199 major surgery where they're implanting some things 00:03:40.199 --> 00:03:43.240 to try and stop these seizures. And all I can 00:03:43.240 --> 00:03:47.740 tell you is he has been faithful. He has loved 00:03:47.740 --> 00:03:51.539 her. And if he has complained, I certainly have 00:03:51.539 --> 00:03:54.500 never heard it. All those verses about loving 00:03:54.500 --> 00:03:56.819 your wife the way Christ loved the church. I 00:03:56.819 --> 00:03:59.400 mean, if you could Google that, his face would 00:03:59.400 --> 00:04:04.060 come up. He's positive. He cares for her. He 00:04:04.060 --> 00:04:07.120 has gone beyond all limits of what he could do 00:04:07.120 --> 00:04:10.639 with his finances, education, technology, medicine, 00:04:10.900 --> 00:04:14.860 sacrifice, and has this positive, encouraging. 00:04:15.919 --> 00:04:20.000 hopeful. I'm going to be there for her. We're 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:23.240 in this together. And not pie in the sky, but 00:04:23.240 --> 00:04:28.519 trusting God. He just refuses to lose hope. And 00:04:28.519 --> 00:04:31.819 I share that because it's a vivid, vivid contrast 00:04:31.819 --> 00:04:34.500 to what I think is one of the most common lies. 00:04:34.740 --> 00:04:36.639 I mean, the lie that I'm going to give you right 00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:40.439 now, it's so deeply rooted in our psyches that 00:04:40.439 --> 00:04:42.899 as I shared this with a number of young couples, 00:04:43.470 --> 00:04:44.910 They kind of looked at each other like, well, 00:04:45.009 --> 00:04:48.209 how can this one be a lie? Are you ready? Lie 00:04:48.209 --> 00:04:51.470 number six. Marriage is a 50 -50 proposition. 00:04:51.930 --> 00:04:55.029 As long as everyone does their part, everything 00:04:55.029 --> 00:04:58.689 will be okay. Marriage is a 50 -50 proposition. 00:04:58.949 --> 00:05:02.250 You do your part. I do my part. Everything will 00:05:02.250 --> 00:05:06.730 be okay. May sound reasonable. May be a good 00:05:06.730 --> 00:05:10.050 contract for two parties in business. but not 00:05:10.050 --> 00:05:13.589 marriage. The truth is marriage is a 100%, 100 00:05:13.589 --> 00:05:17.430 % proposition. It's an unconditional commitment 00:05:17.430 --> 00:05:21.490 to an imperfect person. Love is giving another 00:05:21.490 --> 00:05:25.069 person what they need the most when they deserve 00:05:25.069 --> 00:05:31.009 it the least at great, great personal cost. It's 00:05:31.009 --> 00:05:35.149 not 50 -50. It's 100 -100. Over the years, that 00:05:35.149 --> 00:05:38.050 definition came to me as I studied the life of 00:05:38.050 --> 00:05:40.639 Jesus and I think of the passage where Jesus 00:05:40.639 --> 00:05:45.180 says, a new commandment I give to you, love one 00:05:45.180 --> 00:05:48.740 another. How? As I have loved you, so you must 00:05:48.740 --> 00:05:52.060 love one another. By this, everyone will know 00:05:52.060 --> 00:05:54.600 that you're my disciples if you love one another. 00:05:54.939 --> 00:05:58.360 And so I would just remind you, yes, there's 00:05:58.360 --> 00:06:02.600 a lie. Yes, there is truth. And yes, there's 00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:07.519 a verse. But it's not just hearing that. I read 00:06:07.519 --> 00:06:11.470 that lie. every morning and every night for months. 00:06:11.790 --> 00:06:14.629 And then I would say, stop, after I read that 00:06:14.629 --> 00:06:17.670 out loud. And then I would turn that card over 00:06:17.670 --> 00:06:21.509 and I would read the truth slowly and meditate 00:06:21.509 --> 00:06:24.449 on it. And then I would read that verse out loud. 00:06:24.629 --> 00:06:28.430 And you know what happened? Over time, the Lord 00:06:28.430 --> 00:06:31.689 renewed my mind. In fact, what I have learned 00:06:31.689 --> 00:06:35.050 is he actually rewired some of the neurology 00:06:35.050 --> 00:06:38.000 inside my brain. to get me thinking differently 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:41.959 about what commitment is, it's not 50 -50. It's 00:06:41.959 --> 00:06:47.279 100%, 100%. I think of my wife, and I thank God 00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:51.000 it's not 50 -50. I moved her from her family 00:06:51.000 --> 00:06:54.300 in West Virginia, and we left her parents. And 00:06:54.300 --> 00:06:56.699 that was a huge step. And then we moved from 00:06:56.699 --> 00:07:00.259 Texas to Santa Cruz, and I uprooted the family 00:07:00.259 --> 00:07:03.319 yet again. And then we moved from Santa Cruz 00:07:03.319 --> 00:07:05.899 to Atlanta, and that was a... terrible, terrible 00:07:05.899 --> 00:07:08.360 move, especially for her. And her mother had 00:07:08.360 --> 00:07:11.199 died and challenges were there. And then we moved 00:07:11.199 --> 00:07:14.100 back from Atlanta to Silicon Valley. And each 00:07:14.100 --> 00:07:18.360 one of those moves was, I have to follow the 00:07:18.360 --> 00:07:22.560 call of God on my life. And each time it was 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:28.279 80 % sacrifice for Teresa and 20 % for me. There 00:07:28.279 --> 00:07:31.480 were seasons where I had to learn to be an immediate 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:34.259 father. to two little boys that biologically 00:07:34.259 --> 00:07:37.660 weren't mine. And I didn't have a clue. You know, 00:07:37.680 --> 00:07:39.519 it's not like you start out with little babies 00:07:39.519 --> 00:07:41.600 and you figure it out. I mean, they're four and 00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:43.600 a half. Now they're six. Now they're eight. And 00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:46.680 there's a lot of issues. Some of you that have 00:07:46.680 --> 00:07:49.720 a blended family, you understand. There's abandonment 00:07:49.720 --> 00:07:52.459 issues. There's connection issues. There's, am 00:07:52.459 --> 00:07:54.300 I ever going to measure up as a dad issues? Are 00:07:54.300 --> 00:07:55.699 we going to have that deep connection issues? 00:07:56.439 --> 00:07:59.220 By God's grace, I got to adopt them. But that 00:07:59.220 --> 00:08:03.060 part was, that was a 90 me and a 10 % her. About 00:08:03.060 --> 00:08:07.319 15, 16 years ago, she got cancer and they removed 00:08:07.319 --> 00:08:11.300 21 lymph glands. I found myself in a role that, 00:08:11.319 --> 00:08:14.160 I mean, she's been the glue of our family. I 00:08:14.160 --> 00:08:16.620 didn't know if I would have her. I lived every 00:08:16.620 --> 00:08:20.290 day not knowing. I drove her to Stanford and 00:08:20.290 --> 00:08:22.149 we went through all the treatments together. 00:08:22.350 --> 00:08:24.889 And then we would go get a cup of coffee and 00:08:24.889 --> 00:08:28.029 sit in the car and split a cookie and talk about 00:08:28.029 --> 00:08:29.910 the great life that God had given us. And we 00:08:29.910 --> 00:08:32.409 have to hold it loosely. And we don't know, will 00:08:32.409 --> 00:08:34.169 we have some more months? Will we have another 00:08:34.169 --> 00:08:37.769 year? Who knows? And cancel the book contract, 00:08:38.070 --> 00:08:40.629 let the church know I can do the weekends, but 00:08:40.629 --> 00:08:45.590 nothing matters. Schedule doesn't matter. Commitments 00:08:45.590 --> 00:08:47.730 doesn't matter. Supposed to go overseas doesn't 00:08:47.730 --> 00:08:51.389 matter. And I'd never regret that. I would never 00:08:51.389 --> 00:08:53.210 want it to happen again, but it was precious. 00:08:54.029 --> 00:08:56.029 There's times where you're going to need to be 00:08:56.029 --> 00:08:58.889 70, 80, 90 % for your mate because of things 00:08:58.889 --> 00:09:02.289 that are happening in their life. For her, she 00:09:02.289 --> 00:09:04.750 had to learn to deal with some family issues 00:09:04.750 --> 00:09:07.909 that I had in my baggage, and I certainly had 00:09:07.909 --> 00:09:10.470 to learn that as we went and visited and dealt 00:09:10.470 --> 00:09:14.230 with issues in her family. Marriage is not a 00:09:14.230 --> 00:09:18.840 50 -50. proposition. Marriage is a 100%, 100 00:09:18.840 --> 00:09:22.980 % proposition toward one another. It's a unconditional 00:09:22.980 --> 00:09:27.179 commitment to an imperfect person for life. It 00:09:27.179 --> 00:09:29.360 is giving that other person what they need the 00:09:29.360 --> 00:09:32.419 most when they deserve it the least at great 00:09:32.419 --> 00:09:37.720 personal cost, which reminds me of a passage 00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:41.480 in scripture that really changed my perspective. 00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:44.860 So much of life is expectations. You might jot 00:09:44.860 --> 00:09:46.659 this down. I don't know if you've memorized scripture, 00:09:46.840 --> 00:09:48.360 but if you never had, this would be a good one. 00:09:48.659 --> 00:09:51.820 It's Philippians chapter 1, verses 29 and 30. 00:09:52.279 --> 00:09:55.159 The Apostle Paul is in prison, doesn't know whether 00:09:55.159 --> 00:09:58.399 he's going to be executed or maybe get set free. 00:09:58.600 --> 00:10:01.460 A lot of things are up in the air. And the church 00:10:01.460 --> 00:10:04.539 is having some struggles. He says, for it has 00:10:04.539 --> 00:10:06.700 been granted to you, speaking to this little 00:10:06.700 --> 00:10:09.039 church that he loves in Philippi, it has been 00:10:09.039 --> 00:10:13.120 granted to you not only to believe in him, but 00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:16.700 also to suffer for his sake. I remember doing 00:10:16.700 --> 00:10:19.460 a little word study. It has been granted to you. 00:10:19.559 --> 00:10:23.139 The word granted there, it's grace. In other 00:10:23.139 --> 00:10:25.919 words, it's a gift. It has been a gift given 00:10:25.919 --> 00:10:29.159 to you to not only believe, which brings eternal 00:10:29.159 --> 00:10:32.379 life and new life, but also to suffer for his 00:10:32.379 --> 00:10:35.929 sake. And to change your expectations that realize 00:10:35.929 --> 00:10:39.490 in life, suffering isn't like something that 00:10:39.490 --> 00:10:42.830 might happen. It is going to happen. And part 00:10:42.830 --> 00:10:45.429 of suffering is a gift. Certain things happen 00:10:45.429 --> 00:10:48.309 in your soul, in your relationships, in your 00:10:48.309 --> 00:10:51.190 sanctification that cannot happen and will not 00:10:51.190 --> 00:10:54.929 happen apart from suffering. There's certain 00:10:54.929 --> 00:10:58.990 aspects of intimacy in the most important relationships 00:10:58.990 --> 00:11:02.379 that will never happen apart from going through 00:11:02.379 --> 00:11:07.320 suffering together. Often in life, and especially 00:11:07.320 --> 00:11:12.740 in marriage, we have skewed expectations. You're 00:11:12.740 --> 00:11:15.320 listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, 00:11:15.340 --> 00:11:17.779 and he'll be right back to finish today's message. 00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:20.919 But first, if this new series from Chip has inspired 00:11:20.919 --> 00:11:23.700 you, consider joining the Living on the Edge 00:11:23.700 --> 00:11:26.500 team. In fact, let me encourage you to stick 00:11:26.500 --> 00:11:29.059 around after the teaching to hear about a special 00:11:29.059 --> 00:11:32.059 gift we have for those who become monthly partners. 00:11:32.360 --> 00:11:35.000 You're not going to want to miss out. But until 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:39.240 then, here again is Chip. Lie number seven about 00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:41.879 marriage is this. Marriage shouldn't be this 00:11:41.879 --> 00:11:45.120 difficult. No matter how hard I work at it, it 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:47.440 seems like we always have issues to work through. 00:11:47.980 --> 00:11:51.360 I really wonder if it's worth it. Have you been 00:11:51.360 --> 00:11:56.000 there? I have. It shouldn't be this hard. Tracy 00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:58.580 and I went through a book by Norman Wright called 00:11:58.580 --> 00:12:01.220 Communication, Key to Your Marriage. And we made 00:12:01.220 --> 00:12:04.899 progress. And then luckily we found out he had 00:12:04.899 --> 00:12:07.139 another book. Communication, Key to Your Marriage, 00:12:07.299 --> 00:12:10.539 Volume 2. So we read that one. We've read so 00:12:10.539 --> 00:12:13.519 many books together. We've been to so many seminars. 00:12:14.039 --> 00:12:16.279 We've learned so many little skills that we would 00:12:16.279 --> 00:12:19.100 practice like after dinner and going on a date 00:12:19.100 --> 00:12:20.940 and learning to take a walk and learning to lean 00:12:20.940 --> 00:12:23.159 forward and for me, keep my mouth shut, make 00:12:23.159 --> 00:12:27.240 eye contact and listen to her. Hard work. At 00:12:27.240 --> 00:12:28.879 least it was for me. I'm sure it was for her. 00:12:29.580 --> 00:12:32.200 The more I've gotten to know myself, my wife's 00:12:32.200 --> 00:12:36.000 patience. blows me away, that she's put up with 00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:39.320 me and been patient with me. I have certain tendencies. 00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:42.299 I realize that as she says, look, Chip, I just 00:12:42.299 --> 00:12:44.899 have come to realize you're just over the top. 00:12:45.259 --> 00:12:49.039 And it's part of what makes you, you. It's part 00:12:49.039 --> 00:12:52.200 of how God uses you. And it's part of what makes 00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:55.460 me very frustrated in our marriage. Marriage 00:12:55.460 --> 00:12:58.500 shouldn't be this difficult. It shouldn't be 00:12:58.500 --> 00:13:01.039 this hard. I've tried and tried and tried, and 00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:04.950 I wonder if it's worth it. I had a friend, still 00:13:04.950 --> 00:13:07.789 a current friend, and he's a pro football player. 00:13:08.570 --> 00:13:11.669 Good guy. And he was in that stage of marriage, 00:13:11.850 --> 00:13:14.269 small kids, lots of demands at work, lots of 00:13:14.269 --> 00:13:16.769 pressures. I mean, the perfect storm that every 00:13:16.769 --> 00:13:18.750 couple, by the way, goes through when you're 00:13:18.750 --> 00:13:21.230 pulled this way, she's pulled that way. You have 00:13:21.230 --> 00:13:23.129 a few things you haven't quite worked out. The 00:13:23.129 --> 00:13:26.029 kids are very demanding. All that happens. And 00:13:26.029 --> 00:13:28.049 so we're playing golf. He says, we need to play 00:13:28.049 --> 00:13:30.129 nine holes of golf and I need to talk to you. 00:13:30.309 --> 00:13:33.289 And so. I listen. Like, hole number one, I listen. 00:13:33.450 --> 00:13:35.330 Hole number two, I listen. Hole number three, 00:13:35.389 --> 00:13:37.789 I listen. So we get on the fourth hole. And he 00:13:37.789 --> 00:13:39.409 just puts his hands on his hips. He goes, you 00:13:39.409 --> 00:13:41.549 know, I'm working really hard. I'm trying to 00:13:41.549 --> 00:13:43.710 be sacrificial. And, you know, I'm doing this, 00:13:43.710 --> 00:13:45.429 and I'm doing this, and I'm doing that. It just 00:13:45.429 --> 00:13:48.850 shouldn't be this hard. I said, do you remember 00:13:48.850 --> 00:13:51.549 two -a -day practices in high school? Yeah. Do 00:13:51.549 --> 00:13:54.139 you remember two -a -day practices? in college? 00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:57.120 Oh, man, alive. Are you kidding me? He told me 00:13:57.120 --> 00:13:59.200 where he came from and how hot it was. And, you 00:13:59.200 --> 00:14:01.279 know, 6 a .m. in the morning, you get out in 00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:03.220 just two hours. Then you come back in the afternoon. 00:14:03.440 --> 00:14:05.620 And it's just unbelievable. And you do these 00:14:05.620 --> 00:14:07.899 drills and you do bear walks. And I mean, then 00:14:07.899 --> 00:14:10.460 you hit the weight room. And I said, so that 00:14:10.460 --> 00:14:12.299 was pretty hard, right? Oh, man, unbelievable. 00:14:12.940 --> 00:14:15.240 But it was worth it, right? Yeah. I mean, you're 00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:17.879 a college star. You played pro football. Yeah. 00:14:18.830 --> 00:14:21.149 So like as a tight end, when you make a good 00:14:21.149 --> 00:14:23.090 move and you cut, then you cross the middle and 00:14:23.090 --> 00:14:25.470 the ball comes and you catch it and linebacker 00:14:25.470 --> 00:14:27.509 like smacks you in the face. Do you get up and 00:14:27.509 --> 00:14:30.870 say, boy, that's not very nice. And he just laughed 00:14:30.870 --> 00:14:35.070 at me. And I said, I'm not sure you get in the 00:14:35.070 --> 00:14:38.529 picture, but you were willing to endure the hardship 00:14:38.529 --> 00:14:41.350 of mornings and late nights and weight training 00:14:41.350 --> 00:14:45.610 and give yourself unreservedly and pay an incredible 00:14:45.610 --> 00:14:49.029 price to become. a very great football player. 00:14:49.610 --> 00:14:52.590 And yet for the most important person in your 00:14:52.590 --> 00:14:55.710 life that God has given you that will shape your 00:14:55.710 --> 00:14:57.990 life and her life and the life of your children 00:14:57.990 --> 00:15:00.509 and will be a testimony to all the people you 00:15:00.509 --> 00:15:03.950 know, you're telling me it's just way too hard. 00:15:04.409 --> 00:15:08.789 And he just cracked this big smile. And it was 00:15:08.789 --> 00:15:14.389 like, gotcha. Can I tell you all something? Marriage 00:15:14.389 --> 00:15:17.080 is hard. You're married to an imperfect person. 00:15:17.620 --> 00:15:20.740 You're commanded to love them the way Jesus loves 00:15:20.740 --> 00:15:24.279 you. Impossible. Guess what? All of life is not 00:15:24.279 --> 00:15:26.399 about you being happy or you being fulfilled. 00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:29.419 I know they are on Hallmark, but that's not life. 00:15:30.039 --> 00:15:33.220 If you think that every person and everything's 00:15:33.220 --> 00:15:35.440 going to make you happy and fulfilled, and the 00:15:35.440 --> 00:15:38.059 moment it doesn't, then you will get into that 00:15:38.059 --> 00:15:40.559 long line of people that you see at the grocery 00:15:40.559 --> 00:15:43.480 store, right? Christie Brinkley has a new book 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:47.429 out. She goes, just I have one regret. I've been 00:15:47.429 --> 00:15:50.549 married four times. I've just never been able 00:15:50.549 --> 00:15:52.970 to make a marriage work. Or you look at some 00:15:52.970 --> 00:15:54.710 of the most famous people. Think of some of the 00:15:54.710 --> 00:15:56.909 people that played in Friends. Or my heart goes 00:15:56.909 --> 00:16:00.509 out to a J -Lo, a beautiful woman, super successful. 00:16:00.850 --> 00:16:03.509 And, you know, it's this guy, then it's the next 00:16:03.509 --> 00:16:05.370 guy, then it's the next guy, and it's the next 00:16:05.370 --> 00:16:08.169 big wedding, the next big wedding. See, if you 00:16:08.169 --> 00:16:11.330 believe that it shouldn't be hard, when it gets 00:16:11.330 --> 00:16:14.779 hard, you just jump to the next person. And here's 00:16:14.779 --> 00:16:19.299 the thing, the pain and the attachment and the 00:16:19.299 --> 00:16:23.720 scars of each and every relationship. And I'm 00:16:23.720 --> 00:16:26.259 no expert, but believe me, I've studied a lot 00:16:26.259 --> 00:16:29.259 of psychology. And I can tell you this, with 00:16:29.259 --> 00:16:32.100 every broken relationship, there are scars and 00:16:32.100 --> 00:16:34.539 there's deep down issues in your heart that I 00:16:34.539 --> 00:16:36.460 don't measure up. You can say it's the other 00:16:36.460 --> 00:16:38.679 person and you can whine and you can blame and 00:16:38.679 --> 00:16:41.139 you can say all kinds of things. But when you 00:16:41.139 --> 00:16:45.909 go after serial multiple relationships that don't 00:16:45.909 --> 00:16:51.070 work, it brings a brokenness in your soul. You 00:16:51.070 --> 00:16:53.169 know how Jesus feels about people that have been 00:16:53.169 --> 00:16:56.450 through things like that? He weeps for them. 00:16:56.889 --> 00:17:00.649 He cares about them. He has a plan. It's called 00:17:00.649 --> 00:17:03.169 marriage. He has some rules called fidelity, 00:17:03.450 --> 00:17:06.970 trust. He created marriage so that we could flourish, 00:17:07.029 --> 00:17:11.440 so we could be loved. And as the song says, we're 00:17:11.440 --> 00:17:14.319 looking for love in all the wrong places. The 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:16.680 truth is that everything of great value requires 00:17:16.680 --> 00:17:20.759 commitment, sacrifice, and perseverance. As my 00:17:20.759 --> 00:17:23.619 spouse and I face challenges and overcome them, 00:17:23.700 --> 00:17:27.440 our intimacy and joy will far outweigh our present 00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:30.019 problems. Some of you just need to hear the last 00:17:30.019 --> 00:17:36.900 line. As we do what? Persevere and overcome facing 00:17:36.900 --> 00:17:40.990 those hard challenges. Over time, our intimacy 00:17:40.990 --> 00:17:46.130 and our joy will far outweigh our present problems. 00:17:46.849 --> 00:17:51.170 The verse is Galatians 6, 9. Let us not become 00:17:51.170 --> 00:17:54.769 weary in doing good, for at the proper time we 00:17:54.769 --> 00:17:59.369 will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Please 00:17:59.369 --> 00:18:03.750 don't give up. Here's the deal. We all grow weary. 00:18:04.089 --> 00:18:07.789 There's times when you just grow weary of we 00:18:07.789 --> 00:18:10.650 can't have a baby. You grow weary of you can't 00:18:10.650 --> 00:18:12.809 get sleep because you do have a baby. You grow 00:18:12.809 --> 00:18:15.369 weary because they're never going to be out of 00:18:15.369 --> 00:18:17.549 diapers. You grow weary because they're teenagers 00:18:17.549 --> 00:18:19.930 and you're tired of arguing about phones and 00:18:19.930 --> 00:18:22.009 screen time. And then you grow weary because 00:18:22.009 --> 00:18:24.410 they're leaving the nest and you're all alone 00:18:24.410 --> 00:18:26.750 and you have to reimagine their future. And you 00:18:26.750 --> 00:18:28.869 grow weary because you get bored and you've drifted 00:18:28.869 --> 00:18:31.230 apart and you have to go back and really start 00:18:31.230 --> 00:18:32.990 working at some things that you've neglected 00:18:32.990 --> 00:18:37.480 over a period of time. Don't give up. Because 00:18:37.480 --> 00:18:41.559 it leads to the most devastating of all misbeliefs. 00:18:41.559 --> 00:18:44.440 It's number eight. I've tried hard to make this 00:18:44.440 --> 00:18:47.359 marriage work, but it's too far gone. God wants 00:18:47.359 --> 00:18:50.259 me to be happy, and I know he'll understand if 00:18:50.259 --> 00:18:54.259 I get a divorce. If I had $100 for every time 00:18:54.259 --> 00:18:57.119 I've heard that, I'll never forget. I was on 00:18:57.119 --> 00:18:59.369 a... radio call in and I'd written a book about 00:18:59.369 --> 00:19:02.289 relationships and a lady called in and she goes, 00:19:02.329 --> 00:19:04.470 I'm so glad I got to talk to you. And I'm just 00:19:04.470 --> 00:19:07.069 so, so, so glad you took my call. And, you know, 00:19:07.089 --> 00:19:09.170 I listened to Living on the Edge. It's just so, 00:19:09.250 --> 00:19:11.109 so wonderful. And, you know, I've talked to my 00:19:11.109 --> 00:19:13.089 pastor and he just doesn't get it. So I want 00:19:13.089 --> 00:19:15.029 you to know that I know I'll hear from God from 00:19:15.029 --> 00:19:18.210 you. So I'm not happy and I know God wants me 00:19:18.210 --> 00:19:20.170 to be happy and I want to divorce my husband. 00:19:20.269 --> 00:19:22.589 And my pastor says it's not God's will. Would 00:19:22.589 --> 00:19:25.529 you straighten him out? So I asked a few questions. 00:19:25.630 --> 00:19:28.809 She had no grounds. for biblical divorce and 00:19:28.809 --> 00:19:31.970 she wasn't happy. I said, ma 'am, you know, this 00:19:31.970 --> 00:19:33.930 is kind of embarrassing. There's probably a lot 00:19:33.930 --> 00:19:35.990 of people listening and hopefully they don't 00:19:35.990 --> 00:19:38.950 know your voice. God's goal is not necessarily 00:19:38.950 --> 00:19:41.549 that you're always happy. If you can't be happy 00:19:41.549 --> 00:19:43.650 with him, I'm going to guess you probably won't 00:19:43.650 --> 00:19:45.789 be happy with anyone else either. You need to 00:19:45.789 --> 00:19:47.809 obey God. You need to keep your commitments. 00:19:48.230 --> 00:19:52.930 Divorce is not the answer. Click. The truth is 00:19:52.930 --> 00:19:56.130 God hates divorce and no marriage is beyond repair. 00:19:56.809 --> 00:19:59.670 If Jesus can raise the dead, he can certainly 00:19:59.670 --> 00:20:04.250 resurrect my marriage or yours. Malachi 2 .16 00:20:04.250 --> 00:20:07.190 says, The man who hates and divorces his wife, 00:20:07.329 --> 00:20:10.250 says the Lord, the God of Israel, does violence 00:20:10.250 --> 00:20:12.869 to the one he should protect, says the Lord Almighty. 00:20:13.130 --> 00:20:18.470 So be on your guard and do not be unfaithful. 00:20:18.960 --> 00:20:21.200 And some at this point will rationalize, well, 00:20:21.240 --> 00:20:23.819 Chip, you don't understand. I don't have biblical 00:20:23.819 --> 00:20:26.960 grounds, but it's not an intimate marriage. It's 00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:29.759 not very fulfilling. And there's conflict and 00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:31.980 the kids are aware of it. And certainly it's 00:20:31.980 --> 00:20:35.660 better that our children live in a more positive 00:20:35.660 --> 00:20:39.180 environment than this marriage that is so unfulfilling. 00:20:39.740 --> 00:20:43.079 You hear that all the time. Well, researchers 00:20:43.079 --> 00:20:46.319 at the National Marriage Project have literally 00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:48.920 done the work. And this is what the research 00:20:48.920 --> 00:20:52.000 says about that. When parents don't get along, 00:20:52.160 --> 00:20:54.400 children are better off if their parents divorce 00:20:54.400 --> 00:20:57.920 than if they stay together. A recent large -scale 00:20:57.920 --> 00:21:00.559 long -term study suggests otherwise. While it's 00:21:00.559 --> 00:21:03.460 found that parents' marital unhappiness and discord 00:21:03.460 --> 00:21:06.259 have a broad negative impact on virtually every 00:21:06.259 --> 00:21:08.759 dimension of their children's well -being, so 00:21:08.759 --> 00:21:11.420 does the fact of going through a divorce. In 00:21:11.420 --> 00:21:13.599 examining the negative impact on children more 00:21:13.599 --> 00:21:16.539 closely, the study discovered that it was only 00:21:16.539 --> 00:21:19.339 the children of very high -conflict or volatile 00:21:19.339 --> 00:21:23.220 homes where staying in the home was a challenge 00:21:23.220 --> 00:21:26.400 or a negative influence. In lower -conflict marriages 00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:30.539 that end in divorce, the situation of the children 00:21:30.539 --> 00:21:34.769 was made much worse following a divorce. Based 00:21:34.769 --> 00:21:37.490 on these findings and study, therefore, except 00:21:37.490 --> 00:21:39.950 in the minority of high -conflict marriages, 00:21:40.309 --> 00:21:43.630 it is better for the children if their parents 00:21:43.630 --> 00:21:46.890 stay together and work out their problems than 00:21:46.890 --> 00:21:51.470 if they divorce. That's not even the Bible. That's 00:21:51.470 --> 00:21:56.869 just secular research. Stop making excuses. Stop 00:21:56.869 --> 00:22:01.130 pretending. Deal with your own issues. If you're 00:22:01.130 --> 00:22:02.750 doing great and you know someone who's having 00:22:02.750 --> 00:22:06.440 a struggle, Get this broadcast to them. And if 00:22:06.440 --> 00:22:08.680 you haven't yet got the cards so you can renew 00:22:08.680 --> 00:22:11.259 your mind and start doing what I've done, my 00:22:11.259 --> 00:22:14.619 wife did, and so many people have done to reframe 00:22:14.619 --> 00:22:16.859 your brain, your future, and your thinking about 00:22:16.859 --> 00:22:19.740 marriage, let me encourage you, get these cards 00:22:19.740 --> 00:22:25.500 and get on board. You're listening to Living 00:22:25.500 --> 00:22:28.299 on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the message 00:22:28.299 --> 00:22:31.759 you just heard, the 50 -50 lie, is from our series, 00:22:31.900 --> 00:22:35.259 Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting the 00:22:35.259 --> 00:22:37.680 attacks on your family. Well, Chip's back in 00:22:37.680 --> 00:22:40.279 studio with me now. And Chip, you've talked a 00:22:40.279 --> 00:22:42.660 lot in this series about the fun experience you've 00:22:42.660 --> 00:22:45.900 had teaching a young marriage class. What's been 00:22:45.900 --> 00:22:48.200 your biggest takeaway as you talk to these husbands? 00:22:48.619 --> 00:22:52.700 Well, Dave, you're right. My biggest aha. was 00:22:52.700 --> 00:22:55.500 an eagerness. It was like, are you really saying 00:22:55.500 --> 00:22:57.779 that marriage is just one man, one woman? Are 00:22:57.779 --> 00:23:00.720 you really saying that divorce is not an option? 00:23:00.859 --> 00:23:02.940 Are you really saying that the man can lead and 00:23:02.940 --> 00:23:05.039 cherish his wife and that a woman respects and 00:23:05.039 --> 00:23:07.160 even submits to her husband? Are you saying that 00:23:07.160 --> 00:23:09.980 God's word is the foundation of marriage? I taught 00:23:09.980 --> 00:23:13.619 all of that. And instead of pushback, I got all 00:23:13.619 --> 00:23:16.039 these young couples leaning in and going, my 00:23:16.039 --> 00:23:18.480 parents' marriage didn't work. My first marriage 00:23:18.480 --> 00:23:22.069 didn't work. The world is crazy. Thank you. And 00:23:22.069 --> 00:23:25.210 I think part of this series probably grew out 00:23:25.210 --> 00:23:28.910 of my excitement of realizing people aren't trying 00:23:28.910 --> 00:23:32.769 to do marriage God's way and failing. They don't 00:23:32.769 --> 00:23:35.990 know God's way of how to do marriage. This whole 00:23:35.990 --> 00:23:39.190 series is built around let's give people something 00:23:39.190 --> 00:23:42.880 short and helpful. to identify the lies that 00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:45.539 they believe, the foundations that they can build 00:23:45.539 --> 00:23:48.980 on, and then a way to put it into practice that 00:23:48.980 --> 00:23:51.539 really builds strong marriages. And so we've 00:23:51.539 --> 00:23:54.440 created some brand new resources. It's called 00:23:54.440 --> 00:23:57.240 the Marriage That Works Truth Cards. And during 00:23:57.240 --> 00:24:00.180 this series, for those who choose to become monthly 00:24:00.180 --> 00:24:03.240 partners, we want to give you Marriage That Works 00:24:03.240 --> 00:24:06.400 Truth Cards as a way to say thanks, pray about 00:24:06.400 --> 00:24:08.779 partnering with us, and then follow God's lead. 00:24:09.240 --> 00:24:11.740 Great challenge, Chip. And please know how much 00:24:11.740 --> 00:24:14.539 we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support 00:24:14.539 --> 00:24:17.519 allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry 00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:20.700 and be ready to walk through doors that God opens 00:24:20.700 --> 00:24:23.980 for us. And as Chip said during this entire series, 00:24:24.200 --> 00:24:26.779 if you become a monthly financial partner of 00:24:26.779 --> 00:24:28.839 Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest 00:24:28.839 --> 00:24:31.759 resource, the Marriage That Works Truth Cards, 00:24:31.759 --> 00:24:35.220 as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge 00:24:35.220 --> 00:24:41.380 .org or by calling 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 00:24:41.380 --> 00:24:47.500 888 -333 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. 00:24:48.180 --> 00:24:51.000 App listeners, tap donate. Well, from all of 00:24:51.000 --> 00:24:53.279 us here, I'm Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening 00:24:53.279 --> 00:24:55.940 to this edition of Living on the Edge, and I 00:24:55.940 --> 00:24:57.460 hope you'll join us again next time.