When you and your co -workers approach a big
project, it seems perfectly reasonable to divide
up the tasks evenly so everyone does their fair
share. But does the same principle work in our
marriages too? Coming up on Living on the Edge,
our Bible teacher Chip Ingram argues that this
idea is actually a subtle lie that will cause
you to burn out and become resentful toward your
spouse. I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks for joining us
as we continue our series, Uninvited Guests,
recognizing and resisting the attacks on your
family. So far, Chip's been focusing on the institution
of marriage, revealing the dangerous misbeliefs
husbands and wives have adopted, which can destroy
their relationship. And before he picks up in
our study, if this is your first time listening
to Living on the Edge or you're curious about
what we do or who we are, visit livingontheedge
.org. you'll discover a wealth of valuable tools
we've created to equip you in your walk with
Jesus. So check out livingontheedge .org today.
All right, grab your Bible and notes and settle
in for Chip's insightful talk, The 50 -50 Lie.
As I was thinking about the misbelief that we're
going to cover, I think of a husband that I know.
I've known him for over 10 years, maybe a bit
more. And of all the husbands I've ever known,
on the face of the earth, I admire him the most.
Not that I don't have lots of friends that are
great husbands and I admire and I want to learn
from them, but this guy has a very unique situation.
I got to know him as I was pastoring here in
the Silicon Valley. He immediately got involved.
His wife had incredible prayer ministry and we
didn't spend a whole lot of time together, but
just like, wow. And a little bit later they came
and said, we'd like to talk to you about something.
And I thought, oh, what's wrong? And he said,
my wife and I have been praying and thinking.
And, you know, this is a very large church. There's
lots of leaders. And we got to know your son.
And my son had planted a church about five years
earlier. And it was on the other side of town,
real near where they live. And they got to know
him. He had preached where I was preaching, filled
in for me a couple times. And he said, would
you be offended? if we would leave this church
and go help him and help that church. And I said,
oh, apologize. Are you kidding? He needs people
like you. Oh, this would be great. Of course,
they moved there and he and his wife had been
just unbelievable, the impact they had and became
very, very close friends with my son. And I don't
know all the details, but they were traveling
and on a vacation and it was either some kind
of food in a country or a sting of some kind
of an insect. They're not 100 % sure, but during
that time, for the first time ever, his wife
had a seizure. I mean, a really, really violent
seizure. And they thought, oh, what happened?
And they did all the kind of tests that you do.
And there's more seizures. And what's worse is
we don't know why the seizures. And they're becoming
more violent. Then there's more research. And
then there's more testing. And then there's other
medical facilities. And then pretty soon it's
debilitating. She can't function. Now we're six
years in. It's limited what he can do. It's impacted
his work. He loves to volunteer and be a part
of the church. It's super limited. And the seizures
continue and growing worse. I've been tracking
with him just the last week or so and another
major surgery where they're implanting some things
to try and stop these seizures. And all I can
tell you is he has been faithful. He has loved
her. And if he has complained, I certainly have
never heard it. All those verses about loving
your wife the way Christ loved the church. I
mean, if you could Google that, his face would
come up. He's positive. He cares for her. He
has gone beyond all limits of what he could do
with his finances, education, technology, medicine,
sacrifice, and has this positive, encouraging.
hopeful. I'm going to be there for her. We're
in this together. And not pie in the sky, but
trusting God. He just refuses to lose hope. And
I share that because it's a vivid, vivid contrast
to what I think is one of the most common lies.
I mean, the lie that I'm going to give you right
now, it's so deeply rooted in our psyches that
as I shared this with a number of young couples,
They kind of looked at each other like, well,
how can this one be a lie? Are you ready? Lie
number six. Marriage is a 50 -50 proposition.
As long as everyone does their part, everything
will be okay. Marriage is a 50 -50 proposition.
You do your part. I do my part. Everything will
be okay. May sound reasonable. May be a good
contract for two parties in business. but not
marriage. The truth is marriage is a 100%, 100
% proposition. It's an unconditional commitment
to an imperfect person. Love is giving another
person what they need the most when they deserve
it the least at great, great personal cost. It's
not 50 -50. It's 100 -100. Over the years, that
definition came to me as I studied the life of
Jesus and I think of the passage where Jesus
says, a new commandment I give to you, love one
another. How? As I have loved you, so you must
love one another. By this, everyone will know
that you're my disciples if you love one another.
And so I would just remind you, yes, there's
a lie. Yes, there is truth. And yes, there's
a verse. But it's not just hearing that. I read
that lie. every morning and every night for months.
And then I would say, stop, after I read that
out loud. And then I would turn that card over
and I would read the truth slowly and meditate
on it. And then I would read that verse out loud.
And you know what happened? Over time, the Lord
renewed my mind. In fact, what I have learned
is he actually rewired some of the neurology
inside my brain. to get me thinking differently
about what commitment is, it's not 50 -50. It's
100%, 100%. I think of my wife, and I thank God
it's not 50 -50. I moved her from her family
in West Virginia, and we left her parents. And
that was a huge step. And then we moved from
Texas to Santa Cruz, and I uprooted the family
yet again. And then we moved from Santa Cruz
to Atlanta, and that was a... terrible, terrible
move, especially for her. And her mother had
died and challenges were there. And then we moved
back from Atlanta to Silicon Valley. And each
one of those moves was, I have to follow the
call of God on my life. And each time it was
80 % sacrifice for Teresa and 20 % for me. There
were seasons where I had to learn to be an immediate
father. to two little boys that biologically
weren't mine. And I didn't have a clue. You know,
it's not like you start out with little babies
and you figure it out. I mean, they're four and
a half. Now they're six. Now they're eight. And
there's a lot of issues. Some of you that have
a blended family, you understand. There's abandonment
issues. There's connection issues. There's, am
I ever going to measure up as a dad issues? Are
we going to have that deep connection issues?
By God's grace, I got to adopt them. But that
part was, that was a 90 me and a 10 % her. About
15, 16 years ago, she got cancer and they removed
21 lymph glands. I found myself in a role that,
I mean, she's been the glue of our family. I
didn't know if I would have her. I lived every
day not knowing. I drove her to Stanford and
we went through all the treatments together.
And then we would go get a cup of coffee and
sit in the car and split a cookie and talk about
the great life that God had given us. And we
have to hold it loosely. And we don't know, will
we have some more months? Will we have another
year? Who knows? And cancel the book contract,
let the church know I can do the weekends, but
nothing matters. Schedule doesn't matter. Commitments
doesn't matter. Supposed to go overseas doesn't
matter. And I'd never regret that. I would never
want it to happen again, but it was precious.
There's times where you're going to need to be
70, 80, 90 % for your mate because of things
that are happening in their life. For her, she
had to learn to deal with some family issues
that I had in my baggage, and I certainly had
to learn that as we went and visited and dealt
with issues in her family. Marriage is not a
50 -50. proposition. Marriage is a 100%, 100
% proposition toward one another. It's a unconditional
commitment to an imperfect person for life. It
is giving that other person what they need the
most when they deserve it the least at great
personal cost, which reminds me of a passage
in scripture that really changed my perspective.
So much of life is expectations. You might jot
this down. I don't know if you've memorized scripture,
but if you never had, this would be a good one.
It's Philippians chapter 1, verses 29 and 30.
The Apostle Paul is in prison, doesn't know whether
he's going to be executed or maybe get set free.
A lot of things are up in the air. And the church
is having some struggles. He says, for it has
been granted to you, speaking to this little
church that he loves in Philippi, it has been
granted to you not only to believe in him, but
also to suffer for his sake. I remember doing
a little word study. It has been granted to you.
The word granted there, it's grace. In other
words, it's a gift. It has been a gift given
to you to not only believe, which brings eternal
life and new life, but also to suffer for his
sake. And to change your expectations that realize
in life, suffering isn't like something that
might happen. It is going to happen. And part
of suffering is a gift. Certain things happen
in your soul, in your relationships, in your
sanctification that cannot happen and will not
happen apart from suffering. There's certain
aspects of intimacy in the most important relationships
that will never happen apart from going through
suffering together. Often in life, and especially
in marriage, we have skewed expectations. You're
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram,
and he'll be right back to finish today's message.
But first, if this new series from Chip has inspired
you, consider joining the Living on the Edge
team. In fact, let me encourage you to stick
around after the teaching to hear about a special
gift we have for those who become monthly partners.
You're not going to want to miss out. But until
then, here again is Chip. Lie number seven about
marriage is this. Marriage shouldn't be this
difficult. No matter how hard I work at it, it
seems like we always have issues to work through.
I really wonder if it's worth it. Have you been
there? I have. It shouldn't be this hard. Tracy
and I went through a book by Norman Wright called
Communication, Key to Your Marriage. And we made
progress. And then luckily we found out he had
another book. Communication, Key to Your Marriage,
Volume 2. So we read that one. We've read so
many books together. We've been to so many seminars.
We've learned so many little skills that we would
practice like after dinner and going on a date
and learning to take a walk and learning to lean
forward and for me, keep my mouth shut, make
eye contact and listen to her. Hard work. At
least it was for me. I'm sure it was for her.
The more I've gotten to know myself, my wife's
patience. blows me away, that she's put up with
me and been patient with me. I have certain tendencies.
I realize that as she says, look, Chip, I just
have come to realize you're just over the top.
And it's part of what makes you, you. It's part
of how God uses you. And it's part of what makes
me very frustrated in our marriage. Marriage
shouldn't be this difficult. It shouldn't be
this hard. I've tried and tried and tried, and
I wonder if it's worth it. I had a friend, still
a current friend, and he's a pro football player.
Good guy. And he was in that stage of marriage,
small kids, lots of demands at work, lots of
pressures. I mean, the perfect storm that every
couple, by the way, goes through when you're
pulled this way, she's pulled that way. You have
a few things you haven't quite worked out. The
kids are very demanding. All that happens. And
so we're playing golf. He says, we need to play
nine holes of golf and I need to talk to you.
And so. I listen. Like, hole number one, I listen.
Hole number two, I listen. Hole number three,
I listen. So we get on the fourth hole. And he
just puts his hands on his hips. He goes, you
know, I'm working really hard. I'm trying to
be sacrificial. And, you know, I'm doing this,
and I'm doing this, and I'm doing that. It just
shouldn't be this hard. I said, do you remember
two -a -day practices in high school? Yeah. Do
you remember two -a -day practices? in college?
Oh, man, alive. Are you kidding me? He told me
where he came from and how hot it was. And, you
know, 6 a .m. in the morning, you get out in
just two hours. Then you come back in the afternoon.
And it's just unbelievable. And you do these
drills and you do bear walks. And I mean, then
you hit the weight room. And I said, so that
was pretty hard, right? Oh, man, unbelievable.
But it was worth it, right? Yeah. I mean, you're
a college star. You played pro football. Yeah.
So like as a tight end, when you make a good
move and you cut, then you cross the middle and
the ball comes and you catch it and linebacker
like smacks you in the face. Do you get up and
say, boy, that's not very nice. And he just laughed
at me. And I said, I'm not sure you get in the
picture, but you were willing to endure the hardship
of mornings and late nights and weight training
and give yourself unreservedly and pay an incredible
price to become. a very great football player.
And yet for the most important person in your
life that God has given you that will shape your
life and her life and the life of your children
and will be a testimony to all the people you
know, you're telling me it's just way too hard.
And he just cracked this big smile. And it was
like, gotcha. Can I tell you all something? Marriage
is hard. You're married to an imperfect person.
You're commanded to love them the way Jesus loves
you. Impossible. Guess what? All of life is not
about you being happy or you being fulfilled.
I know they are on Hallmark, but that's not life.
If you think that every person and everything's
going to make you happy and fulfilled, and the
moment it doesn't, then you will get into that
long line of people that you see at the grocery
store, right? Christie Brinkley has a new book
out. She goes, just I have one regret. I've been
married four times. I've just never been able
to make a marriage work. Or you look at some
of the most famous people. Think of some of the
people that played in Friends. Or my heart goes
out to a J -Lo, a beautiful woman, super successful.
And, you know, it's this guy, then it's the next
guy, then it's the next guy, and it's the next
big wedding, the next big wedding. See, if you
believe that it shouldn't be hard, when it gets
hard, you just jump to the next person. And here's
the thing, the pain and the attachment and the
scars of each and every relationship. And I'm
no expert, but believe me, I've studied a lot
of psychology. And I can tell you this, with
every broken relationship, there are scars and
there's deep down issues in your heart that I
don't measure up. You can say it's the other
person and you can whine and you can blame and
you can say all kinds of things. But when you
go after serial multiple relationships that don't
work, it brings a brokenness in your soul. You
know how Jesus feels about people that have been
through things like that? He weeps for them.
He cares about them. He has a plan. It's called
marriage. He has some rules called fidelity,
trust. He created marriage so that we could flourish,
so we could be loved. And as the song says, we're
looking for love in all the wrong places. The
truth is that everything of great value requires
commitment, sacrifice, and perseverance. As my
spouse and I face challenges and overcome them,
our intimacy and joy will far outweigh our present
problems. Some of you just need to hear the last
line. As we do what? Persevere and overcome facing
those hard challenges. Over time, our intimacy
and our joy will far outweigh our present problems.
The verse is Galatians 6, 9. Let us not become
weary in doing good, for at the proper time we
will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Please
don't give up. Here's the deal. We all grow weary.
There's times when you just grow weary of we
can't have a baby. You grow weary of you can't
get sleep because you do have a baby. You grow
weary because they're never going to be out of
diapers. You grow weary because they're teenagers
and you're tired of arguing about phones and
screen time. And then you grow weary because
they're leaving the nest and you're all alone
and you have to reimagine their future. And you
grow weary because you get bored and you've drifted
apart and you have to go back and really start
working at some things that you've neglected
over a period of time. Don't give up. Because
it leads to the most devastating of all misbeliefs.
It's number eight. I've tried hard to make this
marriage work, but it's too far gone. God wants
me to be happy, and I know he'll understand if
I get a divorce. If I had $100 for every time
I've heard that, I'll never forget. I was on
a... radio call in and I'd written a book about
relationships and a lady called in and she goes,
I'm so glad I got to talk to you. And I'm just
so, so, so glad you took my call. And, you know,
I listened to Living on the Edge. It's just so,
so wonderful. And, you know, I've talked to my
pastor and he just doesn't get it. So I want
you to know that I know I'll hear from God from
you. So I'm not happy and I know God wants me
to be happy and I want to divorce my husband.
And my pastor says it's not God's will. Would
you straighten him out? So I asked a few questions.
She had no grounds. for biblical divorce and
she wasn't happy. I said, ma 'am, you know, this
is kind of embarrassing. There's probably a lot
of people listening and hopefully they don't
know your voice. God's goal is not necessarily
that you're always happy. If you can't be happy
with him, I'm going to guess you probably won't
be happy with anyone else either. You need to
obey God. You need to keep your commitments.
Divorce is not the answer. Click. The truth is
God hates divorce and no marriage is beyond repair.
If Jesus can raise the dead, he can certainly
resurrect my marriage or yours. Malachi 2 .16
says, The man who hates and divorces his wife,
says the Lord, the God of Israel, does violence
to the one he should protect, says the Lord Almighty.
So be on your guard and do not be unfaithful.
And some at this point will rationalize, well,
Chip, you don't understand. I don't have biblical
grounds, but it's not an intimate marriage. It's
not very fulfilling. And there's conflict and
the kids are aware of it. And certainly it's
better that our children live in a more positive
environment than this marriage that is so unfulfilling.
You hear that all the time. Well, researchers
at the National Marriage Project have literally
done the work. And this is what the research
says about that. When parents don't get along,
children are better off if their parents divorce
than if they stay together. A recent large -scale
long -term study suggests otherwise. While it's
found that parents' marital unhappiness and discord
have a broad negative impact on virtually every
dimension of their children's well -being, so
does the fact of going through a divorce. In
examining the negative impact on children more
closely, the study discovered that it was only
the children of very high -conflict or volatile
homes where staying in the home was a challenge
or a negative influence. In lower -conflict marriages
that end in divorce, the situation of the children
was made much worse following a divorce. Based
on these findings and study, therefore, except
in the minority of high -conflict marriages,
it is better for the children if their parents
stay together and work out their problems than
if they divorce. That's not even the Bible. That's
just secular research. Stop making excuses. Stop
pretending. Deal with your own issues. If you're
doing great and you know someone who's having
a struggle, Get this broadcast to them. And if
you haven't yet got the cards so you can renew
your mind and start doing what I've done, my
wife did, and so many people have done to reframe
your brain, your future, and your thinking about
marriage, let me encourage you, get these cards
and get on board. You're listening to Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the message
you just heard, the 50 -50 lie, is from our series,
Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting the
attacks on your family. Well, Chip's back in
studio with me now. And Chip, you've talked a
lot in this series about the fun experience you've
had teaching a young marriage class. What's been
your biggest takeaway as you talk to these husbands?
Well, Dave, you're right. My biggest aha. was
an eagerness. It was like, are you really saying
that marriage is just one man, one woman? Are
you really saying that divorce is not an option?
Are you really saying that the man can lead and
cherish his wife and that a woman respects and
even submits to her husband? Are you saying that
God's word is the foundation of marriage? I taught
all of that. And instead of pushback, I got all
these young couples leaning in and going, my
parents' marriage didn't work. My first marriage
didn't work. The world is crazy. Thank you. And
I think part of this series probably grew out
of my excitement of realizing people aren't trying
to do marriage God's way and failing. They don't
know God's way of how to do marriage. This whole
series is built around let's give people something
short and helpful. to identify the lies that
they believe, the foundations that they can build
on, and then a way to put it into practice that
really builds strong marriages. And so we've
created some brand new resources. It's called
the Marriage That Works Truth Cards. And during
this series, for those who choose to become monthly
partners, we want to give you Marriage That Works
Truth Cards as a way to say thanks, pray about
partnering with us, and then follow God's lead.
Great challenge, Chip. And please know how much
we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support
allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry
and be ready to walk through doors that God opens
for us. And as Chip said during this entire series,
if you become a monthly financial partner of
Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest
resource, the Marriage That Works Truth Cards,
as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge
.org or by calling 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's
888 -333 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org.
App listeners, tap donate. Well, from all of
us here, I'm Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening
to this edition of Living on the Edge, and I
hope you'll join us again next time.