WEBVTT 00:00:01.199 --> 00:00:04.280 For decades, society has viewed a couple living 00:00:04.280 --> 00:00:07.860 together as a necessary step, almost like a form 00:00:07.860 --> 00:00:10.800 of relational insurance for marriage. I mean, 00:00:10.820 --> 00:00:12.919 doesn't it make sense to know someone's committed 00:00:12.919 --> 00:00:15.359 to you or that you're compatible on a sexual, 00:00:15.580 --> 00:00:18.440 emotional, and mental level? Well, today on Living 00:00:18.440 --> 00:00:20.600 on the Edge, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, 00:00:20.679 --> 00:00:23.539 jumps into the contentious issue of cohabitation 00:00:23.539 --> 00:00:26.480 and highlights what God's Word says about this 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:29.350 relevant topic. I'm Dave Drewy, and in just a 00:00:29.350 --> 00:00:31.670 minute, we'll pick up in our series, Uninvited 00:00:31.670 --> 00:00:35.030 Guests, as Chip continues to identify the dangerous 00:00:35.030 --> 00:00:37.869 lies couples believe that can slowly destroy 00:00:37.869 --> 00:00:40.829 their relationships. And before Chip gets going, 00:00:40.950 --> 00:00:43.350 let me encourage you to try using his message 00:00:43.350 --> 00:00:46.049 notes while you listen. They contain his outline, 00:00:46.329 --> 00:00:48.829 scripture references, and some key fill -ins 00:00:48.829 --> 00:00:51.329 to help you remember what you hear. Download 00:00:51.329 --> 00:00:54.350 them under the broadcasts tab at livingontheedge 00:00:54.350 --> 00:00:58.829 .org. App listeners, tap fill in notes. Well, 00:00:58.869 --> 00:01:00.670 if you're ready, here now is Chip with his message, 00:01:00.829 --> 00:01:04.790 Why Marriage Still Matters. You know, when we 00:01:04.790 --> 00:01:06.890 think of marriage, especially as Christians, 00:01:06.969 --> 00:01:09.790 we think about it as the union of a man and a 00:01:09.790 --> 00:01:12.609 woman, the importance of what God has set up 00:01:12.609 --> 00:01:15.680 for us to thrive as a society. But there are 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:18.120 sociologists and people all around the world 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:21.459 now that are deeply, deeply concerned at the 00:01:21.459 --> 00:01:24.459 decline in marriages. Because when that institution 00:01:24.459 --> 00:01:27.959 is in decline, there is a domino effect that 00:01:27.959 --> 00:01:31.799 impacts society, economics, the health and welfare 00:01:31.799 --> 00:01:34.400 of children. And this decline in marriage is 00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:38.010 a huge problem. But behind it is a lie. And this 00:01:38.010 --> 00:01:40.209 is a lie that's been spread all across the world, 00:01:40.230 --> 00:01:42.829 that it really doesn't matter if you're married 00:01:42.829 --> 00:01:46.230 or not. In fact, in some places in Europe, marriage 00:01:46.230 --> 00:01:50.310 has become passe. 60 to 80 percent of some populations 00:01:50.310 --> 00:01:52.609 don't get married at all. They just live together, 00:01:52.750 --> 00:01:55.689 have children, and move forward. And you say, 00:01:55.709 --> 00:01:57.569 well, why are you talking about that if we're 00:01:57.569 --> 00:02:00.930 Christians and marriage means a lot to us? It's 00:02:00.930 --> 00:02:03.129 because a lot of this has really infiltrated 00:02:03.129 --> 00:02:05.870 the church. I can't tell you how many people 00:02:05.870 --> 00:02:09.210 I meet, often parents, that talk about a conflict. 00:02:09.370 --> 00:02:11.870 And the conflict goes something like this. My 00:02:11.870 --> 00:02:15.409 daughter's getting married in a year. Her fiancé 00:02:15.409 --> 00:02:18.810 lives in another city, and they've decided to 00:02:18.810 --> 00:02:21.569 move in together until they get married. And 00:02:21.569 --> 00:02:23.689 I'm really struggling with that. I know it's 00:02:23.689 --> 00:02:26.729 wrong. I know God doesn't approve of it. She's 00:02:26.729 --> 00:02:28.370 a Christian. He's a Christian. They're planning 00:02:28.370 --> 00:02:30.889 on getting married. And so the conversation goes, 00:02:31.189 --> 00:02:34.400 what do we do? Or I've met many, many, many people 00:02:34.400 --> 00:02:37.460 who we get in conversation. They've been in church 00:02:37.460 --> 00:02:40.400 for quite a while. And it becomes obvious that 00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:43.099 they're not married. They're living together. 00:02:43.400 --> 00:02:45.520 And they kind of look at you. And by the way, 00:02:45.560 --> 00:02:48.020 especially a younger generation, it's not like 00:02:48.020 --> 00:02:50.139 we're going to willfully not get married. It's 00:02:50.139 --> 00:02:52.680 they've grown up in another world. And here's 00:02:52.680 --> 00:02:55.360 the lie that they've heard. The National Marriage 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:59.560 Project lists the 10 most common lies about marriage. 00:02:59.979 --> 00:03:03.650 Number nine is this. Cohabitation is just like 00:03:03.650 --> 00:03:06.750 marriage, but without the piece of paper. You've 00:03:06.750 --> 00:03:08.569 heard that, right? I've heard that. Hey, you 00:03:08.569 --> 00:03:10.469 love each other. You're committed to one another. 00:03:10.689 --> 00:03:13.550 What's the big deal, Chip? Here's what their 00:03:13.550 --> 00:03:17.069 research. This isn't the Bible. Researchers at 00:03:17.069 --> 00:03:19.750 the National Marriage Project have literally 00:03:19.750 --> 00:03:23.770 done the work. This is their research. Cohabitation 00:03:23.770 --> 00:03:27.289 typically does not bring the benefits in physical 00:03:27.289 --> 00:03:30.250 health, wealth, and emotional well -being that 00:03:30.250 --> 00:03:33.680 marriage does. In terms of these benefits, cohabitants 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:36.860 in the United States more closely resemble singles 00:03:36.860 --> 00:03:39.620 than married couples. This is due in part to 00:03:39.620 --> 00:03:42.719 the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed 00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:45.759 as married couples, and they're more oriented 00:03:45.759 --> 00:03:48.800 toward their own personal autonomy and less to 00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:51.580 the well -being of their partners. Some other 00:03:51.580 --> 00:03:54.300 research that I read earlier says that of people 00:03:54.300 --> 00:03:59.340 that cohabit, 10 years later, only 1 out of 10 00:03:59.340 --> 00:04:03.360 are still together. even among those who decide 00:04:03.360 --> 00:04:06.080 to marry at some point along the way. Now, I 00:04:06.080 --> 00:04:08.419 think those statistics can be changed and are 00:04:08.419 --> 00:04:10.280 very different for people who come to know Jesus 00:04:10.280 --> 00:04:13.400 during that process or repent and realize, oh, 00:04:13.699 --> 00:04:16.319 like, does it really matter? Is marriage that 00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:20.220 important? Well, yeah, it really is. Cohabitation 00:04:20.220 --> 00:04:23.819 has deeply, deeply damaged not just marriage, 00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:27.420 but especially women. Men talk about, well, why 00:04:27.420 --> 00:04:29.649 should I get married? I can have sex anytime 00:04:29.649 --> 00:04:32.610 I want it. We share the expenses. If it doesn't 00:04:32.610 --> 00:04:34.350 work out, we won't have to split things with 00:04:34.350 --> 00:04:37.350 the divorce. The people that pay the highest 00:04:37.350 --> 00:04:40.610 price for cohabitation, by and large, are women. 00:04:41.269 --> 00:04:43.930 Well, you know, we're talking about lies that 00:04:43.930 --> 00:04:46.610 we believe that destroy the lives of the ones 00:04:46.610 --> 00:04:49.949 that we love. This is number four. Marriage is 00:04:49.949 --> 00:04:52.389 merely a man -made set of rules and restrictions. 00:04:52.750 --> 00:04:56.459 I can tailor my marriage. however I want to, 00:04:56.500 --> 00:04:59.420 to fit my needs. It's kind of the idea, I think 00:04:59.420 --> 00:05:02.019 of it as sort of the salad bar mentality. We 00:05:02.019 --> 00:05:04.740 want to be together. God's word says this about 00:05:04.740 --> 00:05:07.399 marriage. The culture says this. Why don't we 00:05:07.399 --> 00:05:10.060 just decide how we want it to work and we'll 00:05:10.060 --> 00:05:12.720 make up our own rules. You know, that sounds 00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:16.319 kind of good on the outside, but fundamentally 00:05:16.319 --> 00:05:19.420 it doesn't work. I remember a young man that 00:05:19.420 --> 00:05:22.219 I had the privilege of leading to Christ. And 00:05:22.219 --> 00:05:24.899 as we were going on this journey together and 00:05:24.899 --> 00:05:27.480 he said, I want to follow Jesus, but I'm living 00:05:27.480 --> 00:05:29.259 with my girlfriend and I don't want to give her 00:05:29.259 --> 00:05:31.519 up. And I said, why don't you marry her? He goes, 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:33.279 well, I'm afraid to marry her. Who knows where 00:05:33.279 --> 00:05:35.000 that will go, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. 00:05:35.620 --> 00:05:37.800 I remember just looking at him and saying, I 00:05:37.800 --> 00:05:39.459 said, oh, well, I mean, if you want second rate 00:05:39.459 --> 00:05:42.240 sex the rest of your life, go ahead. He went, 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:44.699 what? I said, yeah, second rate sex. That's all 00:05:44.699 --> 00:05:47.579 you'll have. You can leave anytime. She can leave 00:05:47.579 --> 00:05:50.759 anytime. You're not committed to her. Sex is 00:05:50.759 --> 00:05:53.459 not simply about physical bodies or physical 00:05:53.459 --> 00:05:57.500 pleasure. Sex is about the union of souls. God's 00:05:57.500 --> 00:06:00.259 goal for sex was the apex of communication that's 00:06:00.259 --> 00:06:02.800 your heart and your mind, your emotions, that 00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:05.579 sense of being secure, that sense that we are 00:06:05.579 --> 00:06:08.540 one. The Bible talks about leaving and cleaving 00:06:08.540 --> 00:06:11.180 and becoming one flesh. And when you're not married, 00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:13.519 when there's not a commitment, it's just second 00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:16.199 -rate sex. And I'll never forget. I mean, we 00:06:16.199 --> 00:06:17.720 went on a journey. We studied the scriptures 00:06:17.720 --> 00:06:21.550 together. He determined he would marry her. It 00:06:21.550 --> 00:06:23.389 was a very small wedding. Teresa was the maid 00:06:23.389 --> 00:06:25.550 of honor, and they'd been living together some 00:06:25.550 --> 00:06:29.110 time. But their relationship so changed. This 00:06:29.110 --> 00:06:31.529 line, marriage is merely a man -made set of rules 00:06:31.529 --> 00:06:33.649 and restrictions. I can tailor my marriage however 00:06:33.649 --> 00:06:37.250 I want to fit my needs. Here's the truth. Marriage 00:06:37.250 --> 00:06:40.310 is an institution created by God. He designed 00:06:40.310 --> 00:06:43.550 it with specific guidelines and roles to provide 00:06:43.550 --> 00:06:46.689 spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy. 00:06:47.360 --> 00:06:50.500 as a family's foundation. In fact, in some further 00:06:50.500 --> 00:06:54.839 research, this is a project seeking to answer 00:06:54.839 --> 00:06:57.439 these three questions. What is marriage for? 00:06:58.079 --> 00:07:01.139 What do we benefit from marriage with regard 00:07:01.139 --> 00:07:03.379 to marriage for the children and for adults? 00:07:03.579 --> 00:07:07.600 And how does it benefit society? It says marriage 00:07:07.600 --> 00:07:10.220 is a universal institution. It performs a number 00:07:10.220 --> 00:07:13.259 of key functions in virtually every known society. 00:07:13.660 --> 00:07:16.879 Marriage organizes kinship. It establishes family 00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:20.060 identities. It regulates sexual behavior. It 00:07:20.060 --> 00:07:22.600 attaches fathers to their offspring. It supports 00:07:22.600 --> 00:07:25.180 child rearing. It channels the flow of economic 00:07:25.180 --> 00:07:28.259 resources and mutual caregiving between generations. 00:07:28.639 --> 00:07:31.399 And it situates individuals within families, 00:07:31.620 --> 00:07:34.139 kin groups, and communities. In other words, 00:07:34.220 --> 00:07:37.560 marriage is the glue of society and culture. 00:07:37.779 --> 00:07:39.920 He goes on to say, in our society, marriage is 00:07:39.920 --> 00:07:43.029 the central institution of the family. It establishes 00:07:43.029 --> 00:07:45.589 family households that are organized around the 00:07:45.589 --> 00:07:48.089 spousal couple, and in many cases, their dependent 00:07:48.089 --> 00:07:51.709 children. The institution of marriage literally 00:07:51.709 --> 00:07:55.550 is the core of what makes a society and a culture 00:07:55.550 --> 00:07:59.310 healthy. And what we've seen, we have more children 00:07:59.310 --> 00:08:02.610 born out of wedlock than ever before. Those born 00:08:02.610 --> 00:08:05.629 out of wedlock are destined to lower education, 00:08:06.029 --> 00:08:09.310 lower self -image, far less safer environments. 00:08:10.170 --> 00:08:13.050 When you have people that aren't married and 00:08:13.050 --> 00:08:16.569 fathers disappear, that relationship alone is 00:08:16.569 --> 00:08:20.610 the single most important predictor of people 00:08:20.610 --> 00:08:23.850 going to jail, juvenile delinquency, drug addiction, 00:08:24.050 --> 00:08:26.949 and crime. We can talk about all the different 00:08:26.949 --> 00:08:30.310 ways that we've pulled God's design apart, and 00:08:30.310 --> 00:08:33.490 there's always consequences. And the consequences 00:08:33.490 --> 00:08:38.269 are devastating. caused the family to come together 00:08:38.269 --> 00:08:41.490 around the union of a man and a woman, committed 00:08:41.490 --> 00:08:44.570 to one another, publicly declaring we're for 00:08:44.570 --> 00:08:47.690 one another. Here's the truth. Marriage is an 00:08:47.690 --> 00:08:50.830 institution that God designed and it really does 00:08:50.830 --> 00:08:54.830 matter. The passage is Genesis 2, 24 and 25. 00:08:55.330 --> 00:08:58.470 For this reason, a man shall leave his father 00:08:58.470 --> 00:09:01.269 and mother and be joined to his wife and they 00:09:01.269 --> 00:09:05.350 shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife, 00:09:05.740 --> 00:09:09.100 we're both naked and we're not ashamed. That 00:09:09.100 --> 00:09:12.480 vulnerability wasn't simply physical. They were 00:09:12.480 --> 00:09:16.659 naked and unashamed. Down in your heart and in 00:09:16.659 --> 00:09:19.840 my heart and every single person that walks upon 00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:24.360 the earth, we were made to belong. We were made 00:09:24.360 --> 00:09:27.820 to be loved. We were made to be able to pull 00:09:27.820 --> 00:09:32.039 back all the false. pretense and all the different 00:09:32.039 --> 00:09:34.179 ways that we project that we're something that 00:09:34.179 --> 00:09:37.000 we aren't because we so want approval. And we 00:09:37.000 --> 00:09:40.820 want someone to know as fully as we really are 00:09:40.820 --> 00:09:44.100 and then to look into their eyes and feel love 00:09:44.100 --> 00:09:46.879 and acceptance, even though they see the good 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:50.460 and they see the bad and they even see the ugly. 00:09:50.899 --> 00:09:54.879 And they love us. They choose to love us. And 00:09:54.879 --> 00:09:58.159 because Christ lives in them, they love us the 00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:01.519 way Jesus loves us. That only happens when you 00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:04.240 know that person can't walk out the door tomorrow 00:10:04.240 --> 00:10:07.480 because they met someone else or because things 00:10:07.480 --> 00:10:11.100 are a little bit tough. Marriage is a vow. It's 00:10:11.100 --> 00:10:14.379 a commitment before God and these witnesses. 00:10:14.639 --> 00:10:18.460 It is a vow. It is a binding vow we make to another 00:10:18.460 --> 00:10:22.080 person. Often I hear them leaving out parts of 00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:26.779 that vow. It's for better or worse, richer or 00:10:26.779 --> 00:10:31.210 poorer, until when? Till death do us part. You 00:10:31.210 --> 00:10:34.009 have to learn to keep your word. And I just want 00:10:34.009 --> 00:10:37.629 to encourage you, do not buy the lie that you 00:10:37.629 --> 00:10:40.409 can make up your own style of marriage, that 00:10:40.409 --> 00:10:43.429 cohabitation is the same thing. And the reason 00:10:43.429 --> 00:10:46.529 isn't that God's a prude. The reason is God wants 00:10:46.529 --> 00:10:50.830 you to flourish. So hold to the standard. Be 00:10:50.830 --> 00:10:53.649 that man that leaves and that woman that leaves. 00:10:54.299 --> 00:10:56.759 And then cleave to one another, which means you 00:10:56.759 --> 00:10:59.279 make this other person your number one priority 00:10:59.279 --> 00:11:03.000 apart from God. As a man, you cherish your wife. 00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:05.779 As a woman, you respect your husband. You say, 00:11:05.860 --> 00:11:09.340 we've gone from my way or your way. It's our 00:11:09.340 --> 00:11:12.139 way. It's looking at all of life through the 00:11:12.139 --> 00:11:15.779 we. What do we want to do? What are we called 00:11:15.779 --> 00:11:18.700 to do? What are we going to do to face this challenge? 00:11:19.240 --> 00:11:22.379 How do we want to raise our children? Where do 00:11:22.379 --> 00:11:26.350 we want to work? What is God's plan for us as 00:11:26.350 --> 00:11:29.470 a couple? That's what marriage looks like. And 00:11:29.470 --> 00:11:32.450 when you give that up for convenience or because 00:11:32.450 --> 00:11:34.809 you think you could come up with a better plan, 00:11:35.110 --> 00:11:40.210 the consequences are devastating. Don't buy the 00:11:40.210 --> 00:11:44.399 lie. You're listening to Living on the Edge with 00:11:44.399 --> 00:11:46.940 Chip Ingram. And we'll get you back to today's 00:11:46.940 --> 00:11:49.440 message in just a minute. But quickly, it should 00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:51.700 be clear from this new series how passionate 00:11:51.700 --> 00:11:54.679 we are about encouraging husbands and wives and 00:11:54.679 --> 00:11:57.000 empowering them to be God -honoring parents. 00:11:57.480 --> 00:12:00.220 And that's why we've also created a new engaging 00:12:00.220 --> 00:12:03.740 tool that couples can rely on every day to strengthen 00:12:03.740 --> 00:12:06.539 their relationship. Stick around after the teaching 00:12:06.539 --> 00:12:08.700 to learn how to get your hands on this resource. 00:12:08.980 --> 00:12:13.299 But for now, here again is Chip. Lie number four. 00:12:14.139 --> 00:12:16.519 There's one for husbands and there's one for 00:12:16.519 --> 00:12:19.320 wives. They're very, very parallel. And this 00:12:19.320 --> 00:12:21.419 is one that, whether you're willing to admit 00:12:21.419 --> 00:12:24.379 it or not, we all believe this lie to some extent. 00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:27.480 Let's start with the husbands. This is what happens 00:12:27.480 --> 00:12:30.259 inside your head when, as a husband, you're a 00:12:30.259 --> 00:12:33.159 little frustrated. For whatever reason, your 00:12:33.159 --> 00:12:35.480 wife, from your perspective, is not coming through 00:12:35.480 --> 00:12:37.860 for you. From your perspective, this marriage 00:12:37.860 --> 00:12:41.659 isn't what it ought to be. Until my wife shows 00:12:41.659 --> 00:12:44.259 me the respect and the physical affection that 00:12:44.259 --> 00:12:47.399 I need, she shouldn't expect me to step up and 00:12:47.399 --> 00:12:50.940 lead my family God's way. Hey man, you ever thought 00:12:50.940 --> 00:12:53.899 that? You know, she wants me to do this, be more 00:12:53.899 --> 00:12:55.899 involved with the kids and help with the homework 00:12:55.899 --> 00:12:58.259 and be a better leader and be a spiritual leader. 00:12:58.500 --> 00:13:01.159 And hey, I go to work and I provide a lot of 00:13:01.159 --> 00:13:03.960 finances. Here's the deal. When she starts stepping 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:06.259 up and respects me, I can't even remember the 00:13:06.259 --> 00:13:08.720 last time we had sex. When she starts being that 00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:10.860 woman to me, then I'll start being that man that 00:13:10.860 --> 00:13:16.139 she needs. Does any of that resonate with what's 00:13:16.139 --> 00:13:17.919 happened in the privacy of your mind, gentlemen? 00:13:18.480 --> 00:13:20.899 At the end of every one of these cards, I write. 00:13:21.179 --> 00:13:23.820 stop with a stop sign, and then you turn the 00:13:23.820 --> 00:13:26.940 card over, and then you read the truth. And the 00:13:26.940 --> 00:13:30.259 truth is, it's tempting to wait for my wife to 00:13:30.259 --> 00:13:33.659 do her part before I do mine. But the only person 00:13:33.659 --> 00:13:37.379 I can change is me. Transformation will occur 00:13:37.379 --> 00:13:41.519 when I focus on being the husband God wants me 00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:44.779 to be. And then I put a passage here that reminds 00:13:44.779 --> 00:13:48.240 you and reminds me of what Jesus has called us 00:13:48.240 --> 00:13:51.860 to be as husbands. Ephesians 5, 25, husbands, 00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:57.559 love your wives. How? Just as Christ loved the 00:13:57.559 --> 00:14:01.539 church and gave himself up for her. How did Jesus 00:14:01.539 --> 00:14:05.399 love the church? He laid down his life. And by 00:14:05.399 --> 00:14:07.519 the way, he laid down his life when he didn't 00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:09.919 feel like it. Remember? Father, if there's any 00:14:09.919 --> 00:14:12.019 way that we can go with a plan B, nevertheless, 00:14:12.440 --> 00:14:16.379 not my will, but your will be done. So that's 00:14:16.379 --> 00:14:20.360 our calling. This was the breakthrough moment 00:14:20.360 --> 00:14:23.360 in our marriage relationship. The first nine 00:14:23.360 --> 00:14:25.919 months was really, really hard. After a few months 00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:29.919 of bliss, very few, we relocated to Dallas, Texas. 00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:33.000 I started seminary. I needed to work full -time, 00:14:33.019 --> 00:14:35.039 go to school full -time because I really thought 00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:37.139 it was important for my wife to be home with 00:14:37.139 --> 00:14:39.799 our small children. They were about five at the 00:14:39.799 --> 00:14:43.500 time. And so I was getting up super, super early. 00:14:43.559 --> 00:14:46.360 And then I would go to school all day and then 00:14:46.360 --> 00:14:48.139 come home and eat, play with the kids a little 00:14:48.139 --> 00:14:50.360 bit, go to work from about 6 until 11, 30 or 00:14:50.360 --> 00:14:52.720 12 at night. We're passing each other in the 00:14:52.720 --> 00:14:55.379 night. I'm not getting much sleep. And I'm just 00:14:55.379 --> 00:14:59.379 busting it at both ends. And little things became 00:14:59.379 --> 00:15:02.200 big things. And I felt she wasn't very sensitive. 00:15:02.299 --> 00:15:05.139 And she felt I wasn't very sensitive. And all 00:15:05.139 --> 00:15:07.460 the parts that were so attractive to me that 00:15:07.460 --> 00:15:10.879 she's so organized was she's so rigid. And I 00:15:10.879 --> 00:15:13.779 was so spontaneous and fun. And now I'm irresponsible. 00:15:14.360 --> 00:15:17.059 And it just went from one thing to another. And 00:15:17.059 --> 00:15:19.440 we weren't yellers or screamers. And we didn't 00:15:19.440 --> 00:15:22.019 throw stuff. When she got hurt, she would just 00:15:22.019 --> 00:15:24.240 shut down for two days and wouldn't talk to me. 00:15:24.809 --> 00:15:27.929 And when I got hurt, since I had lots of verses 00:15:27.929 --> 00:15:31.129 memorized, I would not turn out the light when 00:15:31.129 --> 00:15:33.490 we went to bed. And I would walk around the bed 00:15:33.490 --> 00:15:35.549 back and forth, quoting verses, telling her, 00:15:35.629 --> 00:15:38.909 we can't go to sleep until we get this resolved. 00:15:39.269 --> 00:15:42.009 I was making her crazy and she was making me 00:15:42.009 --> 00:15:44.789 crazy. Okay, we'll go to counseling and we're 00:15:44.789 --> 00:15:47.149 listening to counseling and I'm hearing different 00:15:47.149 --> 00:15:50.470 things. And it was mildly helpful. But in my 00:15:50.470 --> 00:15:54.120 gut, it was like, well, okay. When she starts 00:15:54.120 --> 00:15:57.399 respecting me and being affectionate, I'll start 00:15:57.399 --> 00:16:00.220 leading. And it was kind of like playing marital 00:16:00.220 --> 00:16:02.740 poker. And I had a stack of chips and she had 00:16:02.740 --> 00:16:04.639 a stack of chips. And it's like, you put your 00:16:04.639 --> 00:16:06.500 chips in the center of the table and I'll put 00:16:06.500 --> 00:16:08.500 mine in. I mean, you do this for me and I'll 00:16:08.500 --> 00:16:11.159 do that for you. And until you do, why should 00:16:11.159 --> 00:16:13.360 I put myself out there and get hurt one more 00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:16.080 time? Well, she was thinking exactly the same 00:16:16.080 --> 00:16:20.379 thing. And driving home after marriage counseling, 00:16:20.519 --> 00:16:23.019 not saying anything to each other, which is really 00:16:23.019 --> 00:16:26.000 a great way to end those things. And something 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:29.340 happened where I got thinking, no matter what 00:16:29.340 --> 00:16:32.919 I do, I can't change her. I was trying to manipulate 00:16:32.919 --> 00:16:35.000 her and get her to do this, get her to see that, 00:16:35.179 --> 00:16:37.600 say things in a way. I would bring stuff up that 00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:39.240 we heard in counseling that really applied to 00:16:39.240 --> 00:16:42.320 her, that could help her be a better wife. And 00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:45.720 I remember this aha moment. I realized this is 00:16:45.720 --> 00:16:48.629 going nowhere. It's sure not fun. I don't like 00:16:48.629 --> 00:16:51.769 being married the way it is. The only person 00:16:51.769 --> 00:16:54.330 on the face of the earth I have power to change 00:16:54.330 --> 00:17:00.610 is me. And it was so hard and sobering. And I 00:17:00.610 --> 00:17:02.750 kind of did an inventory and, you know, I had 00:17:02.750 --> 00:17:05.750 clearly listed all the issues she needed to change. 00:17:06.230 --> 00:17:09.309 And I had a very small list of mine. I'm just 00:17:09.309 --> 00:17:11.069 being honest. I thought she had a lot to change 00:17:11.069 --> 00:17:14.589 and I had a few things. I got my eyes off her 00:17:14.589 --> 00:17:18.059 long list. And I moved over to my short list 00:17:18.059 --> 00:17:22.680 and I said before God, since I can't change her, 00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:25.599 I'm going to address these few little things 00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:28.759 that I think I need to change. And just in a 00:17:28.759 --> 00:17:30.940 moment of, I can be honest as I can because I 00:17:30.940 --> 00:17:34.299 was so hurt and so angry. I was so mad at her. 00:17:34.339 --> 00:17:37.240 I didn't even want to change for her. I mean, 00:17:37.259 --> 00:17:40.539 is that ugly? And so in a moment of obedience, 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:43.579 God, I'm going to deal with these things in my 00:17:43.579 --> 00:17:47.089 life. coming home late, not being sensitive. 00:17:47.170 --> 00:17:49.450 I mean, I made my list, but I'm not even going 00:17:49.450 --> 00:17:51.269 to do them for her, but I'll do them for you. 00:17:51.750 --> 00:17:54.730 As an act of worship, I'm going to treat her 00:17:54.730 --> 00:17:57.230 this way. As an act of worship, I'm going to 00:17:57.230 --> 00:17:59.950 sit down and do these things where I listen and 00:17:59.950 --> 00:18:02.869 don't fix things. As an act of worship, I'm just 00:18:02.869 --> 00:18:06.789 going to do it. That was a breakthrough. Now, 00:18:06.789 --> 00:18:08.710 a little bit later, I would learn, psychologists 00:18:08.710 --> 00:18:11.210 would tell you every relationship has a set of 00:18:11.210 --> 00:18:14.480 systems. And when one part of the system changes, 00:18:14.519 --> 00:18:17.000 it usually brings some level of a chain reaction. 00:18:17.420 --> 00:18:20.940 So when I started to change and got off of fixing 00:18:20.940 --> 00:18:23.119 her, and this is what she needed to do, and all 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:25.740 I did is address my own, early on I thought, 00:18:25.799 --> 00:18:27.759 I've been really good for like three days, how 00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:29.940 come there's no change yet? And God said, who 00:18:29.940 --> 00:18:34.140 are you doing this for? Oh yeah. Lord, if she 00:18:34.140 --> 00:18:37.619 never changes, I need to be this kind of husband, 00:18:37.779 --> 00:18:41.700 and I made a vow to you. And I started down that 00:18:41.700 --> 00:18:47.039 path. And God, little by little, so changed my 00:18:47.039 --> 00:18:49.660 heart. And I found out after a while that God 00:18:49.660 --> 00:18:51.500 let me know I didn't have a short list. I had 00:18:51.500 --> 00:18:56.420 quite a long list. I was arrogant, fearful, had 00:18:56.420 --> 00:18:58.839 a lot of wounds from my past. And I didn't understand 00:18:58.839 --> 00:19:01.579 her. And I recognized that what I did is I judged 00:19:01.579 --> 00:19:04.180 her a lot because I had no idea how deeply she'd 00:19:04.180 --> 00:19:06.829 been wounded. And before we go too far with the 00:19:06.829 --> 00:19:09.950 husbands, ladies, lie number five is until my 00:19:09.950 --> 00:19:12.150 husband takes initiative in the financial, emotional, 00:19:12.430 --> 00:19:14.950 and spiritual aspects of our relationship, he 00:19:14.950 --> 00:19:17.890 shouldn't expect me to show him respect or the 00:19:17.890 --> 00:19:21.089 affection God calls me to as a wife. And the 00:19:21.089 --> 00:19:24.289 truth is, it's tempting to wait for my husband 00:19:24.289 --> 00:19:27.009 to do his part before I do mine, but the only 00:19:27.009 --> 00:19:30.829 person I can change is me. Transformation will 00:19:30.829 --> 00:19:34.579 occur when I focus on being the wife God wants 00:19:34.579 --> 00:19:38.400 me to be, not on the husband he ought to be. 00:19:39.099 --> 00:19:43.079 The verse is Ephesians 5, 22 to 24. Wives, submit 00:19:43.079 --> 00:19:45.740 yourselves to your own husbands as you do to 00:19:45.740 --> 00:19:48.200 the Lord. For the husband is the head of the 00:19:48.200 --> 00:19:51.140 wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his 00:19:51.140 --> 00:19:54.700 body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church 00:19:54.700 --> 00:19:58.500 submits to Christ, so also wives should submit 00:19:58.500 --> 00:20:02.460 to their husbands in everything. And ladies, 00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:05.339 I can't speak for you and I can't even speak 00:20:05.339 --> 00:20:08.599 to you the way I can to husbands. All I can tell 00:20:08.599 --> 00:20:10.720 you was when the light came on with me, the light 00:20:10.720 --> 00:20:13.599 started to come on with her and she began to 00:20:13.599 --> 00:20:18.180 say, I can't change Chip, but I can let God change 00:20:18.180 --> 00:20:21.980 me. And as she did that, something fundamentally 00:20:21.980 --> 00:20:25.660 happened in our relationship. We had incredible 00:20:25.660 --> 00:20:28.900 fights around me being late for dinner. Because 00:20:28.900 --> 00:20:31.500 I was working, going to school full time, and 00:20:31.500 --> 00:20:33.579 I always had my clothes in the back of my car 00:20:33.579 --> 00:20:36.140 and a basketball. And if I would drive by an 00:20:36.140 --> 00:20:38.799 outdoor court and guys were playing, I would 00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:41.920 pull the car over, say, I got next, get on the 00:20:41.920 --> 00:20:44.059 court, play before I had to go home. It was my 00:20:44.059 --> 00:20:46.730 one little window. And if you win, you stay on 00:20:46.730 --> 00:20:49.150 the court. So sometimes we would win a lot of 00:20:49.150 --> 00:20:51.710 games. So I came home late and she'd fixed a 00:20:51.710 --> 00:20:53.950 great supper and she felt like I didn't care. 00:20:54.210 --> 00:20:56.750 And so we would have an argument about it. Wouldn't 00:20:56.750 --> 00:20:59.690 talk for two days. Repeat cycle, repeat cycle, 00:20:59.809 --> 00:21:02.690 repeat cycle. I thought, how unreasonable can 00:21:02.690 --> 00:21:04.950 this woman be? I'm working full time. I go to 00:21:04.950 --> 00:21:07.509 school full time. I play a little basketball 00:21:07.509 --> 00:21:11.170 and she goes berserk. And so I come home. I've 00:21:11.170 --> 00:21:14.519 done it yet again. I walk in the door. The children 00:21:14.519 --> 00:21:17.400 know where to be found. Candles are lit on the 00:21:17.400 --> 00:21:20.940 table. She's very calm. Hands are not on her 00:21:20.940 --> 00:21:23.900 hips. She goes, I put your food in the oven to 00:21:23.900 --> 00:21:26.579 keep it warm. She put it in front of me. I'm 00:21:26.579 --> 00:21:28.799 thinking something's wrong here. This is a little 00:21:28.799 --> 00:21:32.220 scary. What's going on here? And then she sat 00:21:32.220 --> 00:21:34.680 very quietly. She goes, I just want to spend 00:21:34.680 --> 00:21:37.440 time with you as you eat. And then she kind of 00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:41.539 let all the RPMs wind down. And she said, Chip, 00:21:41.559 --> 00:21:42.940 could I tell you something? I thought, okay. 00:21:43.210 --> 00:21:47.869 Here it comes. I feel like you don't love me 00:21:47.869 --> 00:21:51.190 when I spend most of the day preparing a special 00:21:51.190 --> 00:21:54.670 meal because I love you so much and you don't 00:21:54.670 --> 00:22:01.190 call and you don't show up. And I mean, it was 00:22:01.190 --> 00:22:03.549 like she took a dagger and stuck it through my 00:22:03.549 --> 00:22:06.430 heart. She didn't fight. She didn't complain. 00:22:06.670 --> 00:22:08.730 She didn't use words to say I was not a good 00:22:08.730 --> 00:22:12.619 husband, on and on and on. We learned. an I feel 00:22:12.619 --> 00:22:15.099 message to share your struggles or frustrations 00:22:15.099 --> 00:22:17.019 and anger in a way where you attack the issue 00:22:17.019 --> 00:22:21.539 instead of the person. I never made any correlation 00:22:21.539 --> 00:22:24.519 that me coming home late had anything to do with 00:22:24.519 --> 00:22:27.839 loving her. If coming home on time means I love 00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:34.259 you, I can do that. Husbands, listen to me. Wives, 00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:37.799 listen to me right now. Would you be willing 00:22:37.799 --> 00:22:39.900 today to make a list of three or four things 00:22:39.900 --> 00:22:43.359 you know for sure that your husband or your wife 00:22:43.359 --> 00:22:46.039 really doesn't like that have been problems in 00:22:46.039 --> 00:22:48.960 your marriage? And could you choose today to 00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:52.180 stop focusing on what they need to do and ask 00:22:52.180 --> 00:22:54.380 God to help you focus on what you need to do 00:22:54.380 --> 00:22:57.119 and share it with someone of the same sex and 00:22:57.119 --> 00:22:59.480 say, would you help me on these things and ask 00:22:59.480 --> 00:23:03.079 God for help? And I think you'll see a breakthrough 00:23:03.079 --> 00:23:06.609 in your marriage and you will never. ever regret. 00:23:10.069 --> 00:23:12.869 This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, 00:23:12.930 --> 00:23:14.730 and you've been listening to Chip's message, 00:23:14.869 --> 00:23:17.650 Why Marriage Still Matters, from our series, 00:23:17.849 --> 00:23:21.529 Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting the 00:23:21.529 --> 00:23:24.069 attacks on your family. Well, our Bible teacher, 00:23:24.170 --> 00:23:26.289 Chip Ingram, is here in studio to share something 00:23:26.289 --> 00:23:28.789 with all of you. Thanks, Dave. Have you ever 00:23:28.789 --> 00:23:31.789 tossed a rock in a pond and watched the ripples 00:23:31.789 --> 00:23:34.700 travel across the water? Well, the same principle 00:23:34.700 --> 00:23:38.000 applies to committing to be a God -honoring family. 00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:41.200 When a couple loves God and are loyal to one 00:23:41.200 --> 00:23:44.480 another, you have the ability to create a godly 00:23:44.480 --> 00:23:48.200 home and raise godly kids and grandkids, and 00:23:48.200 --> 00:23:51.920 it ripples for generation after generation. Strengthening 00:23:51.920 --> 00:23:55.019 families is our passion, and I want you to know 00:23:55.019 --> 00:23:57.700 you are playing a vital role in making that happen 00:23:57.700 --> 00:24:00.539 at Living on the Edge. When you support us financially, 00:24:00.940 --> 00:24:04.130 you're investing in our work. to establish a 00:24:04.130 --> 00:24:07.690 legacy of Christ -centered families. You know, 00:24:07.730 --> 00:24:09.910 we can blame lots of other people, and we can 00:24:09.910 --> 00:24:12.930 talk about the media or education. I've got news 00:24:12.930 --> 00:24:16.769 for you. The research is crystal clear. It begins 00:24:16.769 --> 00:24:20.430 with the family. Your support financially at 00:24:20.430 --> 00:24:23.569 Living on the Edge will help us build families 00:24:23.569 --> 00:24:26.730 that raise kids and grandkids that walk with 00:24:26.730 --> 00:24:30.029 God. And right now during this series, those 00:24:30.029 --> 00:24:32.190 of you who choose to become monthly partners 00:24:32.190 --> 00:24:34.750 will receive the Marriage That Works truth cards 00:24:34.750 --> 00:24:38.009 as our way of saying thanks. Pray about partnering 00:24:38.009 --> 00:24:41.279 with us and then follow God's lead. Great challenge, 00:24:41.339 --> 00:24:43.640 Chip. And please know how much we appreciate 00:24:43.640 --> 00:24:46.640 your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us 00:24:46.640 --> 00:24:49.880 to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready 00:24:49.880 --> 00:24:52.599 to walk through doors that God opens for us. 00:24:53.180 --> 00:24:55.700 And as Chip said during this entire series, if 00:24:55.700 --> 00:24:58.279 you become a monthly financial partner of Living 00:24:58.279 --> 00:25:00.640 on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, 00:25:00.920 --> 00:25:03.740 the Marriage That Works Truth Cards, as our thank 00:25:03.740 --> 00:25:07.240 you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge .org 00:25:07.240 --> 00:25:13.079 or by calling 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888 00:25:13.079 --> 00:25:20.059 -333 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. App 00:25:20.059 --> 00:25:22.720 listeners, tap donate. Coming up on the next 00:25:22.720 --> 00:25:24.839 edition of Living on the Edge, we'll continue 00:25:24.839 --> 00:25:28.039 Chip's series, Uninvited Guests. So I hope you'll 00:25:28.039 --> 00:25:31.000 join us then. But until then, I'm Dave Drewy 00:25:31.000 --> 00:25:32.119 saying thanks for listening.