For decades, society has viewed a couple living
together as a necessary step, almost like a form
of relational insurance for marriage. I mean,
doesn't it make sense to know someone's committed
to you or that you're compatible on a sexual,
emotional, and mental level? Well, today on Living
on the Edge, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram,
jumps into the contentious issue of cohabitation
and highlights what God's Word says about this
relevant topic. I'm Dave Drewy, and in just a
minute, we'll pick up in our series, Uninvited
Guests, as Chip continues to identify the dangerous
lies couples believe that can slowly destroy
their relationships. And before Chip gets going,
let me encourage you to try using his message
notes while you listen. They contain his outline,
scripture references, and some key fill -ins
to help you remember what you hear. Download
them under the broadcasts tab at livingontheedge
.org. App listeners, tap fill in notes. Well,
if you're ready, here now is Chip with his message,
Why Marriage Still Matters. You know, when we
think of marriage, especially as Christians,
we think about it as the union of a man and a
woman, the importance of what God has set up
for us to thrive as a society. But there are
sociologists and people all around the world
now that are deeply, deeply concerned at the
decline in marriages. Because when that institution
is in decline, there is a domino effect that
impacts society, economics, the health and welfare
of children. And this decline in marriage is
a huge problem. But behind it is a lie. And this
is a lie that's been spread all across the world,
that it really doesn't matter if you're married
or not. In fact, in some places in Europe, marriage
has become passe. 60 to 80 percent of some populations
don't get married at all. They just live together,
have children, and move forward. And you say,
well, why are you talking about that if we're
Christians and marriage means a lot to us? It's
because a lot of this has really infiltrated
the church. I can't tell you how many people
I meet, often parents, that talk about a conflict.
And the conflict goes something like this. My
daughter's getting married in a year. Her fiancé
lives in another city, and they've decided to
move in together until they get married. And
I'm really struggling with that. I know it's
wrong. I know God doesn't approve of it. She's
a Christian. He's a Christian. They're planning
on getting married. And so the conversation goes,
what do we do? Or I've met many, many, many people
who we get in conversation. They've been in church
for quite a while. And it becomes obvious that
they're not married. They're living together.
And they kind of look at you. And by the way,
especially a younger generation, it's not like
we're going to willfully not get married. It's
they've grown up in another world. And here's
the lie that they've heard. The National Marriage
Project lists the 10 most common lies about marriage.
Number nine is this. Cohabitation is just like
marriage, but without the piece of paper. You've
heard that, right? I've heard that. Hey, you
love each other. You're committed to one another.
What's the big deal, Chip? Here's what their
research. This isn't the Bible. Researchers at
the National Marriage Project have literally
done the work. This is their research. Cohabitation
typically does not bring the benefits in physical
health, wealth, and emotional well -being that
marriage does. In terms of these benefits, cohabitants
in the United States more closely resemble singles
than married couples. This is due in part to
the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed
as married couples, and they're more oriented
toward their own personal autonomy and less to
the well -being of their partners. Some other
research that I read earlier says that of people
that cohabit, 10 years later, only 1 out of 10
are still together. even among those who decide
to marry at some point along the way. Now, I
think those statistics can be changed and are
very different for people who come to know Jesus
during that process or repent and realize, oh,
like, does it really matter? Is marriage that
important? Well, yeah, it really is. Cohabitation
has deeply, deeply damaged not just marriage,
but especially women. Men talk about, well, why
should I get married? I can have sex anytime
I want it. We share the expenses. If it doesn't
work out, we won't have to split things with
the divorce. The people that pay the highest
price for cohabitation, by and large, are women.
Well, you know, we're talking about lies that
we believe that destroy the lives of the ones
that we love. This is number four. Marriage is
merely a man -made set of rules and restrictions.
I can tailor my marriage. however I want to,
to fit my needs. It's kind of the idea, I think
of it as sort of the salad bar mentality. We
want to be together. God's word says this about
marriage. The culture says this. Why don't we
just decide how we want it to work and we'll
make up our own rules. You know, that sounds
kind of good on the outside, but fundamentally
it doesn't work. I remember a young man that
I had the privilege of leading to Christ. And
as we were going on this journey together and
he said, I want to follow Jesus, but I'm living
with my girlfriend and I don't want to give her
up. And I said, why don't you marry her? He goes,
well, I'm afraid to marry her. Who knows where
that will go, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
I remember just looking at him and saying, I
said, oh, well, I mean, if you want second rate
sex the rest of your life, go ahead. He went,
what? I said, yeah, second rate sex. That's all
you'll have. You can leave anytime. She can leave
anytime. You're not committed to her. Sex is
not simply about physical bodies or physical
pleasure. Sex is about the union of souls. God's
goal for sex was the apex of communication that's
your heart and your mind, your emotions, that
sense of being secure, that sense that we are
one. The Bible talks about leaving and cleaving
and becoming one flesh. And when you're not married,
when there's not a commitment, it's just second
-rate sex. And I'll never forget. I mean, we
went on a journey. We studied the scriptures
together. He determined he would marry her. It
was a very small wedding. Teresa was the maid
of honor, and they'd been living together some
time. But their relationship so changed. This
line, marriage is merely a man -made set of rules
and restrictions. I can tailor my marriage however
I want to fit my needs. Here's the truth. Marriage
is an institution created by God. He designed
it with specific guidelines and roles to provide
spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy.
as a family's foundation. In fact, in some further
research, this is a project seeking to answer
these three questions. What is marriage for?
What do we benefit from marriage with regard
to marriage for the children and for adults?
And how does it benefit society? It says marriage
is a universal institution. It performs a number
of key functions in virtually every known society.
Marriage organizes kinship. It establishes family
identities. It regulates sexual behavior. It
attaches fathers to their offspring. It supports
child rearing. It channels the flow of economic
resources and mutual caregiving between generations.
And it situates individuals within families,
kin groups, and communities. In other words,
marriage is the glue of society and culture.
He goes on to say, in our society, marriage is
the central institution of the family. It establishes
family households that are organized around the
spousal couple, and in many cases, their dependent
children. The institution of marriage literally
is the core of what makes a society and a culture
healthy. And what we've seen, we have more children
born out of wedlock than ever before. Those born
out of wedlock are destined to lower education,
lower self -image, far less safer environments.
When you have people that aren't married and
fathers disappear, that relationship alone is
the single most important predictor of people
going to jail, juvenile delinquency, drug addiction,
and crime. We can talk about all the different
ways that we've pulled God's design apart, and
there's always consequences. And the consequences
are devastating. caused the family to come together
around the union of a man and a woman, committed
to one another, publicly declaring we're for
one another. Here's the truth. Marriage is an
institution that God designed and it really does
matter. The passage is Genesis 2, 24 and 25.
For this reason, a man shall leave his father
and mother and be joined to his wife and they
shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife,
we're both naked and we're not ashamed. That
vulnerability wasn't simply physical. They were
naked and unashamed. Down in your heart and in
my heart and every single person that walks upon
the earth, we were made to belong. We were made
to be loved. We were made to be able to pull
back all the false. pretense and all the different
ways that we project that we're something that
we aren't because we so want approval. And we
want someone to know as fully as we really are
and then to look into their eyes and feel love
and acceptance, even though they see the good
and they see the bad and they even see the ugly.
And they love us. They choose to love us. And
because Christ lives in them, they love us the
way Jesus loves us. That only happens when you
know that person can't walk out the door tomorrow
because they met someone else or because things
are a little bit tough. Marriage is a vow. It's
a commitment before God and these witnesses.
It is a vow. It is a binding vow we make to another
person. Often I hear them leaving out parts of
that vow. It's for better or worse, richer or
poorer, until when? Till death do us part. You
have to learn to keep your word. And I just want
to encourage you, do not buy the lie that you
can make up your own style of marriage, that
cohabitation is the same thing. And the reason
isn't that God's a prude. The reason is God wants
you to flourish. So hold to the standard. Be
that man that leaves and that woman that leaves.
And then cleave to one another, which means you
make this other person your number one priority
apart from God. As a man, you cherish your wife.
As a woman, you respect your husband. You say,
we've gone from my way or your way. It's our
way. It's looking at all of life through the
we. What do we want to do? What are we called
to do? What are we going to do to face this challenge?
How do we want to raise our children? Where do
we want to work? What is God's plan for us as
a couple? That's what marriage looks like. And
when you give that up for convenience or because
you think you could come up with a better plan,
the consequences are devastating. Don't buy the
lie. You're listening to Living on the Edge with
Chip Ingram. And we'll get you back to today's
message in just a minute. But quickly, it should
be clear from this new series how passionate
we are about encouraging husbands and wives and
empowering them to be God -honoring parents.
And that's why we've also created a new engaging
tool that couples can rely on every day to strengthen
their relationship. Stick around after the teaching
to learn how to get your hands on this resource.
But for now, here again is Chip. Lie number four.
There's one for husbands and there's one for
wives. They're very, very parallel. And this
is one that, whether you're willing to admit
it or not, we all believe this lie to some extent.
Let's start with the husbands. This is what happens
inside your head when, as a husband, you're a
little frustrated. For whatever reason, your
wife, from your perspective, is not coming through
for you. From your perspective, this marriage
isn't what it ought to be. Until my wife shows
me the respect and the physical affection that
I need, she shouldn't expect me to step up and
lead my family God's way. Hey man, you ever thought
that? You know, she wants me to do this, be more
involved with the kids and help with the homework
and be a better leader and be a spiritual leader.
And hey, I go to work and I provide a lot of
finances. Here's the deal. When she starts stepping
up and respects me, I can't even remember the
last time we had sex. When she starts being that
woman to me, then I'll start being that man that
she needs. Does any of that resonate with what's
happened in the privacy of your mind, gentlemen?
At the end of every one of these cards, I write.
stop with a stop sign, and then you turn the
card over, and then you read the truth. And the
truth is, it's tempting to wait for my wife to
do her part before I do mine. But the only person
I can change is me. Transformation will occur
when I focus on being the husband God wants me
to be. And then I put a passage here that reminds
you and reminds me of what Jesus has called us
to be as husbands. Ephesians 5, 25, husbands,
love your wives. How? Just as Christ loved the
church and gave himself up for her. How did Jesus
love the church? He laid down his life. And by
the way, he laid down his life when he didn't
feel like it. Remember? Father, if there's any
way that we can go with a plan B, nevertheless,
not my will, but your will be done. So that's
our calling. This was the breakthrough moment
in our marriage relationship. The first nine
months was really, really hard. After a few months
of bliss, very few, we relocated to Dallas, Texas.
I started seminary. I needed to work full -time,
go to school full -time because I really thought
it was important for my wife to be home with
our small children. They were about five at the
time. And so I was getting up super, super early.
And then I would go to school all day and then
come home and eat, play with the kids a little
bit, go to work from about 6 until 11, 30 or
12 at night. We're passing each other in the
night. I'm not getting much sleep. And I'm just
busting it at both ends. And little things became
big things. And I felt she wasn't very sensitive.
And she felt I wasn't very sensitive. And all
the parts that were so attractive to me that
she's so organized was she's so rigid. And I
was so spontaneous and fun. And now I'm irresponsible.
And it just went from one thing to another. And
we weren't yellers or screamers. And we didn't
throw stuff. When she got hurt, she would just
shut down for two days and wouldn't talk to me.
And when I got hurt, since I had lots of verses
memorized, I would not turn out the light when
we went to bed. And I would walk around the bed
back and forth, quoting verses, telling her,
we can't go to sleep until we get this resolved.
I was making her crazy and she was making me
crazy. Okay, we'll go to counseling and we're
listening to counseling and I'm hearing different
things. And it was mildly helpful. But in my
gut, it was like, well, okay. When she starts
respecting me and being affectionate, I'll start
leading. And it was kind of like playing marital
poker. And I had a stack of chips and she had
a stack of chips. And it's like, you put your
chips in the center of the table and I'll put
mine in. I mean, you do this for me and I'll
do that for you. And until you do, why should
I put myself out there and get hurt one more
time? Well, she was thinking exactly the same
thing. And driving home after marriage counseling,
not saying anything to each other, which is really
a great way to end those things. And something
happened where I got thinking, no matter what
I do, I can't change her. I was trying to manipulate
her and get her to do this, get her to see that,
say things in a way. I would bring stuff up that
we heard in counseling that really applied to
her, that could help her be a better wife. And
I remember this aha moment. I realized this is
going nowhere. It's sure not fun. I don't like
being married the way it is. The only person
on the face of the earth I have power to change
is me. And it was so hard and sobering. And I
kind of did an inventory and, you know, I had
clearly listed all the issues she needed to change.
And I had a very small list of mine. I'm just
being honest. I thought she had a lot to change
and I had a few things. I got my eyes off her
long list. And I moved over to my short list
and I said before God, since I can't change her,
I'm going to address these few little things
that I think I need to change. And just in a
moment of, I can be honest as I can because I
was so hurt and so angry. I was so mad at her.
I didn't even want to change for her. I mean,
is that ugly? And so in a moment of obedience,
God, I'm going to deal with these things in my
life. coming home late, not being sensitive.
I mean, I made my list, but I'm not even going
to do them for her, but I'll do them for you.
As an act of worship, I'm going to treat her
this way. As an act of worship, I'm going to
sit down and do these things where I listen and
don't fix things. As an act of worship, I'm just
going to do it. That was a breakthrough. Now,
a little bit later, I would learn, psychologists
would tell you every relationship has a set of
systems. And when one part of the system changes,
it usually brings some level of a chain reaction.
So when I started to change and got off of fixing
her, and this is what she needed to do, and all
I did is address my own, early on I thought,
I've been really good for like three days, how
come there's no change yet? And God said, who
are you doing this for? Oh yeah. Lord, if she
never changes, I need to be this kind of husband,
and I made a vow to you. And I started down that
path. And God, little by little, so changed my
heart. And I found out after a while that God
let me know I didn't have a short list. I had
quite a long list. I was arrogant, fearful, had
a lot of wounds from my past. And I didn't understand
her. And I recognized that what I did is I judged
her a lot because I had no idea how deeply she'd
been wounded. And before we go too far with the
husbands, ladies, lie number five is until my
husband takes initiative in the financial, emotional,
and spiritual aspects of our relationship, he
shouldn't expect me to show him respect or the
affection God calls me to as a wife. And the
truth is, it's tempting to wait for my husband
to do his part before I do mine, but the only
person I can change is me. Transformation will
occur when I focus on being the wife God wants
me to be, not on the husband he ought to be.
The verse is Ephesians 5, 22 to 24. Wives, submit
yourselves to your own husbands as you do to
the Lord. For the husband is the head of the
wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his
body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church
submits to Christ, so also wives should submit
to their husbands in everything. And ladies,
I can't speak for you and I can't even speak
to you the way I can to husbands. All I can tell
you was when the light came on with me, the light
started to come on with her and she began to
say, I can't change Chip, but I can let God change
me. And as she did that, something fundamentally
happened in our relationship. We had incredible
fights around me being late for dinner. Because
I was working, going to school full time, and
I always had my clothes in the back of my car
and a basketball. And if I would drive by an
outdoor court and guys were playing, I would
pull the car over, say, I got next, get on the
court, play before I had to go home. It was my
one little window. And if you win, you stay on
the court. So sometimes we would win a lot of
games. So I came home late and she'd fixed a
great supper and she felt like I didn't care.
And so we would have an argument about it. Wouldn't
talk for two days. Repeat cycle, repeat cycle,
repeat cycle. I thought, how unreasonable can
this woman be? I'm working full time. I go to
school full time. I play a little basketball
and she goes berserk. And so I come home. I've
done it yet again. I walk in the door. The children
know where to be found. Candles are lit on the
table. She's very calm. Hands are not on her
hips. She goes, I put your food in the oven to
keep it warm. She put it in front of me. I'm
thinking something's wrong here. This is a little
scary. What's going on here? And then she sat
very quietly. She goes, I just want to spend
time with you as you eat. And then she kind of
let all the RPMs wind down. And she said, Chip,
could I tell you something? I thought, okay.
Here it comes. I feel like you don't love me
when I spend most of the day preparing a special
meal because I love you so much and you don't
call and you don't show up. And I mean, it was
like she took a dagger and stuck it through my
heart. She didn't fight. She didn't complain.
She didn't use words to say I was not a good
husband, on and on and on. We learned. an I feel
message to share your struggles or frustrations
and anger in a way where you attack the issue
instead of the person. I never made any correlation
that me coming home late had anything to do with
loving her. If coming home on time means I love
you, I can do that. Husbands, listen to me. Wives,
listen to me right now. Would you be willing
today to make a list of three or four things
you know for sure that your husband or your wife
really doesn't like that have been problems in
your marriage? And could you choose today to
stop focusing on what they need to do and ask
God to help you focus on what you need to do
and share it with someone of the same sex and
say, would you help me on these things and ask
God for help? And I think you'll see a breakthrough
in your marriage and you will never. ever regret.
This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram,
and you've been listening to Chip's message,
Why Marriage Still Matters, from our series,
Uninvited Guests, recognizing and resisting the
attacks on your family. Well, our Bible teacher,
Chip Ingram, is here in studio to share something
with all of you. Thanks, Dave. Have you ever
tossed a rock in a pond and watched the ripples
travel across the water? Well, the same principle
applies to committing to be a God -honoring family.
When a couple loves God and are loyal to one
another, you have the ability to create a godly
home and raise godly kids and grandkids, and
it ripples for generation after generation. Strengthening
families is our passion, and I want you to know
you are playing a vital role in making that happen
at Living on the Edge. When you support us financially,
you're investing in our work. to establish a
legacy of Christ -centered families. You know,
we can blame lots of other people, and we can
talk about the media or education. I've got news
for you. The research is crystal clear. It begins
with the family. Your support financially at
Living on the Edge will help us build families
that raise kids and grandkids that walk with
God. And right now during this series, those
of you who choose to become monthly partners
will receive the Marriage That Works truth cards
as our way of saying thanks. Pray about partnering
with us and then follow God's lead. Great challenge,
Chip. And please know how much we appreciate
your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us
to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready
to walk through doors that God opens for us.
And as Chip said during this entire series, if
you become a monthly financial partner of Living
on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource,
the Marriage That Works Truth Cards, as our thank
you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge .org
or by calling 888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888
-333 -6003 or visit livingontheedge .org. App
listeners, tap donate. Coming up on the next
edition of Living on the Edge, we'll continue
Chip's series, Uninvited Guests. So I hope you'll
join us then. But until then, I'm Dave Drewy
saying thanks for listening.