You know, you can have the strongest marriage
and a genuine connection to God, and all it takes
is one selfish act from your spouse or a wounding
comment, and you might begin to think, who is
this person? Did I make a mistake marrying them?
Well, coming up on Living on the Edge, Chip begins
exposing dangerous misbeliefs, like this one,
as he continues his series, Uninvited Guests.
Join us for the next handful of programs as he'll
shed light on the harmful lies couples believe
about themselves or their mate and share how
to defeat them with the power of Scripture. But
before he gets going, you know, a lot of what
we're going to hear in the upcoming messages
comes from our newest resource, Marriage That
Works Truth Cards. Let me encourage you to stick
around after the teaching to learn how you can
get your hands on a set today. Well, with that,
grab your Bible and notes as we join Chip for
his talk. Did I marry the wrong person? If I
ask you, what are the top two issues that evangelical
couples or families say they struggle with? What
are the big family issues? Well, you could do
a lot of research, but why do that when there's
AI? So I asked, among evangelical couples, what
does the research actually say are the biggest
issues in their life? Number one came up, marriage
struggles. Evangelicals report challenges in
maintaining strong Christ -centered marriages
amid stressors like finances, communication issues,
and cultural pressures. I think we all probably
can identify with that. Many seek tools to resolve
conflict, and they long to rekindle emotional
and spiritual intimacy. The second thing AI told
us was parenting in a secular culture. Raising
children with Christian values in increasingly
secular culture. is a common challenge. Parents
express a need for resources to address topics
like technology use, peer pressure and faith
formation at home. So now that we have on the
table that our marriages and our kids are a really
big challenge for all of us, despite we know
Jesus, despite we have God's word, that we actually
live in a world that is bombarding us. And by
the way, again, it's not new. Let's not just
blame the media or blame technology or Hollywood
or academia. In the garden, the lies started.
About God? about our relationship with one another
in marriage, about siblings, about technology
in our work. And they've grown more sophisticated
over the centuries. And so as promised, what
I want to do is start with the lies and then
get you to begin thinking about how to stop,
identify that lie, then renew your mind with
the truth. And I will also tell you that as I
go through these cards, we're making these available
because I teach God's Word for a living. and
as a calling for sure. And what I know is if
I go to church and I prepare whatever it is,
20 or 30, 40 hours, depending on it in the series,
and I give a 45 -minute talk, and this is my
best stuff, and I'm prayed up, 24 hours later.
90 % of the people have already forgotten about
70 % of what I said. 48 hours later, there's
only about 10 % that can remember what we were
talking about. And out of all the people that
listen, there's less than 10 % that go, oh, I'm
going to put that into practice. And so what
I've learned is that the teaching of Jesus and
why he said things in such a way was he wanted
people to look at, this is how life appears to
be. Then he would give a parable or a teaching
and a story they could remember. And then there
was sort of a obvious application. In fact, I
would recommend a book that will really help
you. It's called Every Thought Captive by a friend
of mine named Kyle Eidelman. And he takes all
these verses that talk about renewing your mind.
And then he pairs it with the latest neuroscience
research about how our brains work. And so what
I want to tell you is we're going to go through
a process to cooperate with your brains so life
change happens rather than you just hearing information.
So I'm going to give you a lie, then I'll give
you a truth, then I'll give you a passage, and
then the way I have shared this over and over
is on a set of cards I don't want you to have
digitally. Are you ready? I don't want it on
your phone because the moment it's on your phone,
you start looking at your phone and pretty soon
this pops up and that pops up and you're distracted.
There's something about learning when you read
something, say it out loud, your brain hears
it differently. And when you can tactile actually
touch something. My recommendation, and I've
done this for years, to break strongholds in
my life and marriage, because when you come from
an alcoholic family, you believe a whole set
of lies that are deeply embedded in your psyche.
And so I would have to repeat those lies out
loud, say stop, and then I found God's truth
and said, okay, this is what's true. So you're
ready to roll? Lie number one, this is about
marriage. When I finally meet the right person,
Everything will work out fine. My soulmate is
out there. I just need to find the right person.
So I need to dress the part, look the part. I
need to have big muscles. I need to be bright.
I need to drive a certain kind of car so people
know I'm in and I'm cool. Every commercial is
based on if you look like this, are you ready?
If you had whiter teeth, that's how you're going
to get in. And so we spend our time trying to
appeal like we try to create ourselves as honey.
to attract the right bees. When I just find the
right person, then everything's going to be all
right. The fault with that lie is that you're
putting your hope in a person. It's okay to have
aspirations. It's okay to have desires. But when
you put your hope in a person, here's what we
know about all people. They're like you and they're
like me. And that means that As much as I try,
as much as you try, we let people down. In a
weak moment, you lie. At times when it comes
to are you going to care about another person,
even your mate or yourself, we all have to confess
we choose ourselves. And so if it's all about
finding the right person and you put your hope
in a person, when that person starts not coming
through, really negative things start happening.
And then the question begs itself, how do you
know? when it's the right person. Well, if you
watch a movie, if you listen to any songs, read
a occasional romance novel, if you happen to
be breathing and living in America, how do we
know when the right person comes across our path?
It's when we see them and something happens inside
and there's this little fire and there's this
connection. We don't even have to know them,
right? In other words, it's our feelings. It's
our emotions. And emotions are a beautiful, wonderful,
tremendous gift from God. But they're not the
best way to really identify what's true, what's
right, whether a person is good for you, bad
for you. I'll never forget. And some of you,
you can laugh at me. It's okay. But I played
basketball in college, and I love playing basketball.
And I got recruited to play on a Christian team
that traveled throughout South America. And so
we played in every country, had a big stadium.
We share Christ at halftime and partnered with
missionaries. But we got to know a lot of different
people. I had very limited Spanish, but I'd memorized
my testimony and the number of verses. And so
we go to Ecuador, and there's this missionary
girl. And we had an extra day. And I went on
a picnic with a missionary girl. And I mean,
it was like out of a Hallmark movie. There was
water, beautiful grass, beautiful mountains.
And I came back to the team and I said, I'm in
love. She's the one. She's the one. And then
we went to Chile. In Chile, we had a missionary
and this missionary had a daughter. And she was
very, very beautiful. And we had the same kind
of connection. And after a couple of days, I
said, oh, I thought I was in love. Now I'm really
in love. I'm in love with the girl from Chile.
And now I'm in love with the missionary who came
from Paraguay. And the guys started getting on
me. But it was the weirdest experience. I think
in about seven or eight countries, I met five
or six girls. At the end of 24 to 48 hours, I
was absolutely convinced that they were the one.
Which told me. My emotions are very, very fickle,
or I'm a very empty -headed young man, all of
which may be true, but it just helped me see
that our emotions and our romantic notions can
be so powerful, they can lie to you. When I finally
meet the right person, everything will work out
fine. Here's the truth. Marrying the right person
is crucial, but even with the greatest mate,
a successful marriage requires following God's
design. putting in the hard work, persevering
through difficulties, and relying on the Holy
Spirit. You're listening to Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram. And before he continues our
new series, Uninvited Guests, I want to remind
you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples
and parents are only possible because of listeners
like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep
listening after today's message as Chip shares
more of his heart for preserving the family and
why now is a great time to partner with us in
this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now,
let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk. Marrying
the right person is crucial. The right person
begins with someone that is a follower of Jesus
that you're equally yoked with. Just last week,
I spent some time with a lady who was doing some
rehab and physical therapy, and I've gotten to
know her over the years, and she mentioned to
me, she said, it's been 25, 26 years, and my
husband's a great guy. And after all these years,
and our kids are growing, and one more to go
out of the house, I realized I didn't know when
I was young what my parents and everyone said,
don't be unequally yoked. I understand that now.
He's never come to Christ. He's a good guy. I'm
committed to him. I love him. But there's whole
aspects of my life that I can't share. And so
I want to tell you, you need to marry the right
person, a fellow believer. In fact, not just
a believer, but a fellow believer with the same
vision that's committed to Christ. And then you
need to follow God's design. He has a plan for
you as a man and you as a woman. You need to
do the hard work. You don't just learn to communicate.
You have to spend some time, read some books.
You have to work at it. And finally, you have
to persevere. Difficulties are normal. They're
coming. It's hard. It's challenging. Over the
years, I've counseled hundreds of couples. And
what I can tell you is those who hit some hard
times and think, oh, it's all over, make huge
mistakes. And those who hit really hard times
and realize, this is so hard, but I made a commitment.
And they come through it. And so you persevere.
And as you rely on the Holy Spirit, as you realize,
God, I can't do this. I can't love him right
now. I can't love her right now. I need your
help. He will answer. And then notice the passage
I've given you here is Hebrews 10, 36. Are you
ready? One of the greatest things you can ever
have in your marriage mindset is not when I finally
find the right person. but perseverance, endurance,
saying, we're going to make this work. There's
no plan B. Now, don't get me wrong. There's times
where there's abuse or there's multiple infidelities.
There are issues where you need to pause and
get some good help and counseling. And is this
the right relationship because of devastating,
difficult things that your partner may do? But
for most all of us, persevering through the challenges,
difficulties, are normal. Some of you are saying,
well, Chip, why are you telling me this? I've
been married for 10 years, 11 years. When a hard
time comes and it's difficult, I cannot tell
you how many people have sat across from me and
leaned forward and said, you know, we've been
married three years and I just realized they're
just not the right person now. We've grown apart.
Things have really changed. And so the belief
system that someone out there is going to make
it better is a lie. In fact, there's a research
group. It's the University of Virginia and Rutgers
University. They have a thing called the National
Marriage Project. They have the top 10 myths
of divorce and the top 10 myths of marriage.
And one of these myths is because people learn
from their bad experiences, second marriages
tend to be more successful than first ones. Here's
the truth. Although many people who divorce have
successful subsequent marriages. The divorce
rate of remarriage is in fact higher than first
marriages. The person we bring to the second
marriage is the same person that wasn't working
the first marriage. We always have to start with
who we are. What does God want us to do? Don't
believe the lie that if just that right person
comes into your life, everything's going to be
okay. Lie number two. Here's the misbelief. When
I experience disappointment, annoyance, and anger
toward my spouse, that means I'm falling out
of love and I may have married the wrong person.
That sounds a little crazy, right? You're just
annoyed, angry, and then all of a sudden you
realize, maybe this isn't the right person. For
some of you, that sounds crazy. For some of you,
that's real right now. I will never forget. And
again, I use myself as a personal illustration
just because some of you think I probably have
never had these problems. I've been married six
days. Teresa and I kind of went away on our honeymoon.
Many of you know a little bit of our background.
She had been abandoned and I met her two and
a half years later. She had these two little
kids and she'd become a Christian. And two years
later, we fall in love. I get to adopt those
children. And so we're married six days. And
we come back home and it's all new. I'm an immediate
dad. I'm learning how to try to be a good husband.
We dated for a full year and were friends a full
year before that. We, by God's grace, were pure
in our relationship. We did relationships the
way we believe the scripture teaches. And so
I thought, this is going to be great. And I can't
even remember what all the issues were, but it
was something about a picture over the mantle.
And all I can tell you is, I got mad. I mean,
I got really mad. And then I heard a tone of
voice come out of her mouth toward me that was
different than I've ever, ever heard. And then
I heard a tone of voice come out of me that I
don't think she had ever heard. We're having
like our very first argument about some stupid
picture. But I remember the feeling of, I don't
know, words I have for it was like a dart, like,
oh. Who is that person? I mean, I was so idealistic.
God, we did things your way, and she loves you,
and I love you, and we want to spend our life
serving you. And I mean, I've been married six
days, and literally, I got so angry, and I was
so hurt. And not knowing what to do, I just walked
out the door, and I'm sure I slammed it, and
she could probably tell you a more vivid story.
And I got my little Volkswagen bug, and I went
some back roads, and I'm driving the mountains.
And literally, this is my conversation. I still
remember. God. How could I have done this? I've
married the wrong person. I've married the wrong
person. I thought Teresa was the right one. I've
married the wrong person. And so I drove around
for about an hour and a half thinking these thoughts
and then realizing, you know, sort of coming
back down to earth, realizing I had a lot of
emotion, a lot of hurt, and I needed to go back
and apologize for how I behaved. But I realized
that lie, that when there's anger, annoyance,
or you're challenged in the relationship, you
can bolt to, I married the wrong person. I remember
a young man came to me, and sincere as he could
be, didn't know a whole lot about the Bible,
and he said, Chip, I need your help to discover
God's will. And I said, well, I'll be whatever
help I can. I said, well, what is it? He goes,
well, I've been married three years, and I discovered
recently that I married the wrong person, so
I need to figure out. What's the Bible say? How
do I get rid of the person I have? Because I
think I found the new right person. I said, well,
the Bible's pretty clear on this one. And, you
know, we talked about all the kind of issues.
And he said, but no, I married the wrong person.
And I remember telling him, when you said I do,
even if you had some misgivings, that person
became the right person. And God will give you
the grace to be the man that you need to be.
You're having some struggles right now. But these
struggles are normal. It doesn't mean you married
the wrong person. In fact, the truth of this
card is conflict and negative emotions are not
only normal, they're essential to learning to
communicate and forgive each other in the process
of becoming one. The Bible talks about iron sharpening
iron. The way you get closer is not because everything
is going great every moment of the day. The way
you get closer and the way you get sanctified,
if you will, we become more and more like Jesus
in our relationships, especially in our marriage
relationship, is when we do make mistakes, when
we are angry, when we do get hurt, when we begin
to extend forgiveness and receive forgiveness,
work through the issue and get what's behind
it, there's sparks. But as you get closer and
you work through conflict and you learn to own
your side of it, And you learn to forgive the
other person. And you learn to treat the other
person the way Jesus has treated you. That's
how intimacy is built. That's how growth is built.
And the key verse here is be kind and compassionate
to one another, forgiving each other just as
God in Christ has forgiven you. So let me ask
you, what annoys you most about your mate right
now? In weak moments, what makes you think? I
mean, it just flashes through your mind. Or for
some of you, maybe right now you're in a crisis
and you're thinking, I think I did marry the
wrong person. The fact of the matter is you just
have some conflict and some challenges and some
difficulties. In my particular case, we had so
much baggage, we realized that we needed outside
help. She loved God. I love God. It was very
embarrassing back then, but we found a very good
biblical counselor. We unpack our baggage. We
learn how to communicate. We've read a lot of
books together. We set aside times to go on a
date. We had to literally go into training to
figure out, I knew I loved God. I knew she loved
God. But we made each other crazy. And can I
say something to you? I got 46 years under my
belt. And the richness and the beauty and the
connection and the joy. We've been through cancer
together. We've been through the ups and downs
of kids together. We've shared amazing rewards
and seen God work in us and through us in ministry
together. We've struggled like crazy at times.
But I've got a really long rearview mirror. If
we would have bailed out, if we would have said,
oh, you must not be the right person because
this is so hard, I would have missed. the best
things life has to offer. A church that I had
the privilege of pastoring, living on the edge,
none of that would have happened if I came to
the conclusion prematurely, oh, I married the
wrong person. Can I challenge you? You got to
fight for your marriage. You got to quit asking,
is everything going my way? Is this easy? Everything
great. Everything valuable, everything important,
everything godly is you're swimming upstream
in a world and a culture. And even in the church
that tells you, oh, it's really hard. You don't
fit. You've grown apart. That is a lie from the
pit of hell. Refuse to believe it. Work through
whatever you need to work through. Don't buy
lie number one. If I just meet the right person
or if the right person would come into my life.
everything would be okay. The truth of the matter
is that you have to persevere through difficulty.
The second lie is that when things are difficult
and painful and you experience disappointment
and annoyance and you feel like I'm falling out
of love, no, you persevere. You be kind to one
another. You forgive each other. You walk through
the process and you let God work in you and then
you let him work through you. I have I've had
so many couples that I've had the privilege of
counseling over the years that have had problems
and challenges. I remember a couple, they got
a divorce, and then there was genuine repentance.
And I'll never forget this guy coming back to
know the Lord. And so much so he realized that
he'd really destroyed some relationship with
his children. And he would sneak in the very
back of the church so his wife and kids wouldn't
see him. And he would begin to walk with God
again and little by little prove that he could
be trustworthy. And I had the privilege a couple
of years later of remarrying them. If Jesus can
raise people from the dead, he can resurrect
your relationship. He can resurrect your marriage.
Don't buy the lies. Do it God's way. You're listening
to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the
message you just heard, Did I Marry the Wrong
Person?, is from our series, Uninvited Guests,
Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your
Family. Well, Chip's back in the studio with
me now. And Chip, you shared with me recently
that an elder at your church came to you looking
for advice about an issue that many in the congregation
were struggling with. In fact, it's an issue
that countless people across the country are
dealing with too. Absolutely, Dave. It wasn't
something new, but it is something heartbreaking.
He was talking to me about, and he didn't share
any names or anything. He said, you would be
shocked at the people that are having marriage
problems in our church. I mean, it's a healthy
church. It teaches God's word. And yet in the
midst of a healthy, healthy church environment,
little by little lies have undermined their marriages
and it's pulling them apart. People facing the
emptiness or having a little struggle or getting
pulled into porn or something happened in their
marriage. This isn't about people out there.
These are leaders in the church. There's never
been a greater need for clear biblical guidance
on the subject of marriage. And not only guidance,
but some tools to help ordinary people learn
to communicate, learn to resolve conflict, and
have some tools to work at building a great marriage,
whether it's good and needs to get better or
whether it's in trouble. And you really need
an anchor to help your marriage become what you
know God wants it to become when you give financially
to Living on the Edge. And when you also pray,
you're a part of strengthening and healing marriages
and helping marriage partners become better parents.
Because great marriages are the key to kids who
walk with God. Would you pray about becoming
a financial partner with Living on the Edge?
We need your help. Marriages are in trouble.
Christian families are hurting. And we want to
make a difference. And we need your partnership
to do it. Thanks so much. Great challenge, Chip.
And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice.
Your regular support allows us to plan our next
steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through
doors that God opens for us. And as Chip said
during this entire series, if you become a monthly
financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll
send you our newest resource, the Marriage That
Works Truth Cards, as our thank you. Learn more
by going to livingontheedge .org or by calling
888 -333 -6003. Again, that's 888 -333 -6003
or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners,
tap donate. For Chip and the entire team, this
is Dave Drewy thanking you for listening to this
edition of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll
join us again next time.