There is one practice that is almost built into
the human psyche that absolutely destroys relationships.
The moment I compare myself with another person,
I go one of two directions. I either feel inferior
or superior, and neither of those responses helps
me love them. Today we're going to learn how
to stop comparing and to really love people.
Thanks for listening to this edition of Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are an international
teaching and discipleship ministry that encourages
and equips Christians to live like Christians.
Well, in just a minute, we'll dive back into
Chip's series, Spiritual Simplicity, by sharing
the second half of his talk, What's Love Got
to Do With It? Today, Chip reminds us that godly
love is powerful, but when we compare, whether
through envy or pride, it can damage and even
destroy love. So let's learn how to avoid the
trap of comparison. Go in your Bible again to
1 Corinthians chapter 13 for the remainder of
Chip's talk. Here's what I want you, I mean,
this is what we're going after. This is the jugular.
You want to become more loving in real time.
Here's the issue. Comparison always leads to
carnality. The moment you ever compare yourself
with another person, it always produces carnality.
And if you're wondering what carnality is, it's
just sin. You're not loving. Because the moment
you compare, there's only two directions to go.
You start comparing and you go, hmm, I think
that person's up here and I'm here. That's a
lot nicer car. They have more visible gifts.
I'm single and they're married and I wish I was
married. Or it goes the other way. You know what?
That person's not very important. That's an old
dumpy thing. I wonder why they act like that.
I wonder why they dress like that. And you know
what? You don't verbalize it, but you feel superior.
You feel better than. And when you envy people,
you don't treat them in loving ways. Or if you
think you're better than them, you don't treat
them in loving ways. And so here's what I want
you to see. We are going to go to war on the
issue of comparison. Arrogance compares downward
and produces pride, boasting, rudeness, and independence.
All of which this passage say is unloving. This
is the eye saying to the hand. I don't need you.
I see where we're going. I mean, has anyone ever
heard of a hand to hand conversation? It's eye
to eye. I mean, the eye is the lamp of the body.
I mean, the eye is what's important. The eye
is what really matters. The eye is way better
than the hand. You see the comparison? And by
the way, it can be the exact same. Here's what's
so ironic about this envy and arrogance. You
can be in one room. And the single people see
this couple and they get married. And the single
people are going, God, I just don't understand.
There's envy and resentment in my heart. And
she used to be my best friend. Then she got married.
Now they got a little baby. They all seem so
happy and I'm so lonely. And then you have the
married couple with two kids or maybe three.
And they thought they were done. They wanted
to be done. They planned to be done. They're
not done. And out of the blue comes number three
or number four. And they're looking at these
single people. What are you doing this summer?
Well, I'm going to go on a missions trip. And
then I thought I'd spend a week in Italy with
a couple friends. And, you know, so how's your
week going? It was really good. You know, I had
coffee over there. I had a latte with my friends,
a couple from work. And the married couple are
going, we've been in diapers 11 years. And they
envy their singleness and their mobility. See,
it's not the what. It's not the what. And we
compare upward or downward. The meaning of the
word arrogance literally means to be puffed up,
inflated, overvalued. If the emotional kind of
color for envy is red, hot, arrogance is cool,
blue, above. It's like the blowfish. And I learned,
a fellow who owns a fish store or used to, he
said, actually, they fill with anything. He says,
if you pull them out of water, they fill with
air. I said, that's a good illustration because
isn't that what we do? Isn't that what we do?
Whatever our, you know, if it's a ministry setting,
ooh. If it's a financial setting, ooh. If it's
a relational setting, we just, when you're arrogant,
you just fill up to try and project. You matter
more. You're more important. And there's something
that makes you feel secure by putting people
down this direction. And we all do it. It's rooted
in comparison. I almost hesitate to share this,
but it's probably beneficial. This is a social
science experiment I'd like you to do. Go to
a coffee shop this week. And you can say this
is your ministry, at least application. Starbucks,
wherever. And then I want you to have a book
that you pretend that you read. and get whatever
your favorite chai or coffee, and just sit there
for 15 or 20 minutes, not purposely to eavesdrop,
but just to hear. Conversation here, conversation
here, conversation here, conversation here. And
I'll make a prediction. Four out of five conversations
are two people sitting there talking about someone
else who's not there. And they're either talking
about what they didn't do, what they should have
done, and how they don't measure up, and this
group is superior, or they're talking about someone
where this person makes them feel less than.
And there's something horrendously, sadistically,
and sinfully satisfying about vetting, talking
about someone else, and how I feel better because
now we're saying that about her or about him.
Comparison is the arch enemy of love when you
look at differences. The arrogant puffed up person
has a motto or a mindset as well. And basically,
I don't need you. You don't matter. By the way,
the more gift, the more talent, the more blessing,
the more position that for whatever reason God
may give you, the greater the temptation. This
book is filled with people that started out very,
very humble. And God, could you ever use me?
And then they become king and they become famous.
And then the hubris kicks in. Because after the
attitude of I don't need you and you don't matter,
I'm indispensable, comes feelings like I'm superior.
I really am more important. I mean, they talk
about other people as though they're less intellectual.
Their feelings don't matter as much. What they
do is important, I mean, for those kind of people,
you know, obviously. And then there's this entitlement
mindset. You're special. The action steps of
arrogance is when you're arrogant, you automatically
become independent. You don't need as many people.
I mean, you're what matters. You're the go -to
person. You're the center of attention. And so
the more blessing, the more money, the more position,
the more power, you actually don't need people.
And then the step after independence, arrogant
people are independent. And beyond being independent,
it moves to the next one. Then they're not accountable.
These rules about money and how to use it, these
rules about sexual purity and what you can and
cannot do, well, that's for other people, but
I mean, my schedule and my demands, there's a
different set of rules for me. That's usually
well on the journey to their downfall. And after
the independence and the lack of accountability,
then they become indifferent to the needs of
others. It's not often just from the words. It's
a look, it's a glance, it's a body language.
But when you're around them, they almost don't
have to say it. You feel or are attempted to
made to feel less than. Now, I'm going to suggest
that we all struggle with both envy and arrogance,
but we tend to habitually fall into one camp
more than the other. My personal camp is arrogance.
I've struggled with arrogance all my life. Part
of it is your personality. Part is your giftedness.
Part is your family of origin. I mean, can you
imagine having a dad? When I was three years
old, before I walked out of the house, there
was this easel and he was teaching me to read.
And then he was teaching me to spell long words
so he could impress his friends. I'd go to the
swimming pool that he managed in the summer and
he was a teacher and a coach. And Chip, tell
him, intercontinental ballistic missile. A three
-year -old. Boom. And then, you know, he would
say, Chip, this is true. I mean, this country
is going to need a good president someday. Can
you imagine this? And I think, and so, I mean,
the good side, you talk about a kid that grew
up with confidence, but you talk about a guy
that had a warped, arrogant view that God has
been cutting through for years. So we all will
lean one way or another. Often people that have
had difficult paths feel like they never quite
measure up, struggle with envy. You know, why
did God make her so pretty? Why did he get that
job? You know, I'm tired of, you know, batting
eighth in the lineup. You know, that guy's a
jerk and he bats third and he plays shortstop
and now he just went IPO in his company. That
is so sickening, right? Well, Let me give you
a remedy, a very specific love step to attack
comparison if you compare upwardly. It says,
the envious must believe that God is good and
has sovereignly and wisely given them what is
best for them and best to fulfill his purpose.
You might circle that in your notes. Notice it
doesn't say the envious must try harder not to
envy. Trying hard or not to envy doesn't work.
You've got to think differently. God is good.
He's in control. You are who you are. You're
where you're at. And he wants to work in your
life. And he's for you. And he's good. And every
person in every season, everything doesn't look
great. He cares for you. And who he made you
is what matters in embracing that. I have really
honestly not had much struggle with envy in my
life because of my warped arrogance. There's
a particular friend of mine in another state.
He's a teaching pastor. He's written books. We're
friends. We've had breakfast and coffee and we're
very similar age. And in about a six or eight
week period, to make the long story short, everywhere
I went, his books are here. I look at a conference
and he's speaking here. And then a couple of
friends, oh, I got to tell you, this is the most
helpful thing ever and ever. And normally it
was like, great, man, he's my friend. The kingdom's
growing. And then even my son was telling me,
dad, I got to tell you, I just, this guy, this
is... the best thing in the whole world. And
a little something inside went, son, are you
aware I kind of do some of the same stuff? I
mean, I'm your dad, you know? And then, you know,
it's like it hit me, hit me, hit me, and then
I walked into a bookstore and his books are face
forward like in a Barnes and Noble or someplace.
And, you know, my normal reacts to me, oh, great,
man, someone's solid. This is really super. Instead,
this is so embarrassing. So instead, it was like,
I wonder, I wonder how my books are doing. Okay,
Christian Living, let's see, H -H -H -H -H -I.
J. It must be sold out. No, not there. Don't
even carry it. And I remember then I read something,
and I mean, this guy's really helped me. He's
a friend. I love him. But I felt less than. My
less than was followed by kind of didn't want
to be around that. And I felt resentful. And
it was like, oh, this is so ugly. And so I did
a very specific steps that God led me to that
I want to give you that will help you with your
person. Number one, I faced the desire, my jealousy.
So I called it all kinds of other things, but
I kept having this uneasiness. It really helped
to say, I'm envious. I'm jealous. The second
thing is I didn't try and squash the desire.
So what do I want to say? God, I never want you
to use my books. God, I never want you to use
my life. No, I redirected and said, God, I really
want you to use my life, but I want to be your
man, your spot, used at whatever level. to promote
ministry and kingdom, not compared to anything
or anyone else. And so I repent of that, but
I long for you to use my life. Third is I meditated
on God's goodness. See, at the end of the day,
it was like, when you start comparing, it's like,
well, if God was really good, he would have given
me a mate by now. If God was really good, he
would have kind of healed my body like he did
this other person's body. If God was really good,
he would have. When we compare, We begin to believe
the lie that God isn't good. The very first sin
in the Bible, Eve was deceived because she believed
God was holding out. Eve, I mean, do you understand
what this will do for you? And she believed that
God was holding out, that he wasn't good. And
so you meditate on that. The fourth specific
thing you need to do to overcome envy is choose
gratitude and give thanks. So I begin to thank
God and I begin to thank God for this guy. Thank
God for his books. Thank God my lands, my son
is listening and reading this person and it's
helping him and encouraging him. Thank you, Lord.
And then I begin to thank God. And then I willfully
decided, I just made a little thing. I said,
you know something? I'm not gonna compare. So
I just have a new little rule. I'm not gonna
go into bookstores and see where I'm not or where
I am or care either way. And I just decided,
you know what? That little practice just sets
me up. for doing and having bad comparative thoughts.
You can be jealous or you can be grateful, but
those two won't live in the same heart. You start
thanking God for this person, thanking God for
his blessing, thanking for what he's done, and
then start thanking him for what he's done. Either
you will envy what others have or you'll thank
God for what you do have. And you start doing
that, I will tell you what, the envy will dissipate.
And then finally, connect. with that person if
it's appropriate and serve them. Now, this person
lives in a whole nother state. So I just, I remember
as an application, I've been praying for him.
Hey, his name, I just wanna let you know, everywhere
I've turned around in the last three or four
weeks, God is using you in amazing ways. Thank
you for your impact in my life. And I just wanna
encourage you, keep pressing ahead and hang in
there, Chip. You know, a few hours later, thanks,
Chip. And you know what? I was free. And now
we're in the kingdom of God boat, and we're both
rowing together toward what God wants. Aren't
we going the same direction? And so I want to
rejoice in that. You're listening to Living on
the Edge. Before we continue today's program,
let me ask you, are you in a small group? Well,
if so, are you looking for a new study to do
together this year? Join us after Chip's message
to learn more about our library of study guides,
which are sure to help you and your group grow
in your faith. You won't want to miss it. Well,
with that, let's rejoin Chip for the remainder
of his message. For the arrogant, you must admit
our need and choose to be vulnerable in order
to receive the goodness God in their daily experience.
Arrogant people don't have people close to them.
They keep getting separated, separated, more
and more independent, and everyone sees them
as powerful. In fact, I worked with one group
of guys recently, and I said, you know why most
of you don't have any close friendships? And
they all happen to be in a room and they all
own their own business. I said, because you can
either fire them or disinherit them. And that's
why you get very little truth in your life. Because
they're intimidated by you. And you know what
they don't understand? They don't understand
how lonely it is to be, quote, as influential
and influent as you are. They don't understand
the issues in your marriage that other people
don't understand. They don't understand that
when you start having a relationship, in the
back of your mind, you're always wondering, is
this person trying to get into my wallet, my
portfolio, or my Rolodex? And so you become an
untrusting person. You become more and more independent.
You will gravitate toward this very dangerous
place of not being accountable. And then you'll
start using people because pretty soon affirmation
is all you get. You don't get a lot of real love.
And so you have to make more and more impact
and do and do more and earn, earn more. And then
so you use people to get things done. And that's
called manipulation. And your soul dries up when
that occurs. Arrogant people need to choose to
be vulnerable. So you need a safe place to do
that in order to receive the goodness of God
in their daily life. And I will tell you that
there's three or four things you can do that
will give you some real help here. One is remember
that everything you have is from God. In chapter
four of this book, Paul says, what do you have
that you haven't received? The brains you have,
the opportunity you have, the family that you
have, the money that you have, the gifts that
you have, the talent that you have, they're from
God. Every good and perfect gift is from above,
from the father of lights with whom there's no
variation or shifting shadow. You don't own anything.
You are not the blowfish. You're just a fish.
And God can fill you up. And I'll tell you what,
he can take you down. And you just need to understand
it's a stewardship. God, I'm not sure why you
gave me this position. I don't know why you gave
me these gifts. I don't know why you've given
me this family. I don't know why you've allowed
me to be single and free. I don't know why you've
given me this money. I don't know why people
look to me. But what I know is it's a sacred
stewardship. Second thing, remember your roots.
Remember your roots. You got to remember where
you came from. You know, I remember Kauffman,
Texas, 35 people. And I have a friend, this is
the third one, hang out with some people that
know your roots. That no matter what is ever
written about you or what people say about you,
no matter how many zeros get at the end of your
name or how many letters, there's some people
who know you. And you know what? They are totally
unimpressed. Played golf two weeks ago with a
guy that I've spent 18, 20 years with as friends
and ministry. And you know what I mean? He just...
He has the gift of bluntness, and I so love him
for it. And I mean, it's just, he loves. Here's
the other thing. He loves me for me. Because
he loved me when we were in ministry together
with, well, he came on when we were surging.
We were up to 60 people or 100, you know. And
he just loves me. I have another friend who's
on our board that I've known for 28 years, and
he'll bring up the past. And I know what he's
doing, and I so love him for it. You know what
he's saying? Hey, Chip. Remember when you and
I were painting your bathroom in that very first
church? Remember the house with all the cracks
in the foundation? And remember when you did
that silly, stupid thing? Yeah, remember when
you, you know, you know what he's doing? He's
saying, I love you. But I'll tell you what, it's
God. You're just a steward. You're just a piece
of flesh. And he's filled you with opportunity
and some gift. And you'll stand before him on
it. I just want to remind you. And see, the thing
about envy and arrogance, remember, they're just
the hit man. The core is comparison. That's what
we got to eliminate. I'm giving you specific
ways for you to say, I either lean toward arrogance
or lean toward envy. And how do I address it?
And I want to encourage you here that fourth
is admit your needs and invite people into your
life. If you're arrogant, admit your needs. I
didn't want to do this. In fact, I came to last
night's service, and I didn't have this. And
as we were singing one of the songs, just the
Spirit of God whispered, you need to share this.
I like to say this was from 10 or 20 years ago
when I used to be an arrogant jerk, but it's
from August of this year when I acted like an
arrogant jerk. A verse came to my mind at the
end of the day. I'd traveled, and I had the privilege
of having dinner with my older sister that I
rarely see. It says, the heart is more deceitful
than all else and is desperately wicked. Who
can understand it? That verse came to my mind
from Jeremiah. And then this is what I wrote
in my journal. As I finished up my day of travel
yesterday and enjoyed a rare evening with my
sister Jeannie, I realized how true that verse
is above. They were all little things throughout
the day or so I thought. And one by one, the
Holy Spirit brought them to mind as I walked
back to the hotel. I remember ignoring the man
in the wheelchair going through security. caring
more about my place in line than demonstrating
servanthood or concern. I even secretly thought,
he doesn't need that chair. He's just doing this
to dish everybody. Yeah, I'm sure you've never
had those thoughts. Second, being so consumed
with my work on the plane, I ignored the man
next to me named Michael. Then when he asked,
what do you do? I postured something about being
an author and returning to the local church as
a pastor. But fundamentally, I was just seeking
to please men. I didn't want to be viewed as
just a pastor. I wanted to be important and significant
because of my miles, I got bumped up to first
class and I wanted to impress. God brought Galatians
1 .10 and Luke 16 .15 to mind as I recalled those
events. Later that night, I had dinner with my
sister and realized that I took away one of the
few opportunities my sister could have to be
my big sister and take care of me and give to
me and be blessed. And I insisted I had to pay
for the dinner. Pride in its many insidious forms
is so ugly. All of this insensitivity, self -focus,
self -absorption, all the while, while I was
writing a new introduction for the book, The
Genius of Generosity. How ironic and sad. Father,
where would I be apart from your great mercy
and steadfast, loyal love and forgiveness? Thank
you for applying the work of your son Jesus to
my sin and forgiving and cleansing me last night
after I became aware of it. Help me today to
please you, not people. Help me today to be a
man whose life and motives are highly esteemed
in your eyes, not seeking to be highly esteemed
in the eyes of men. Help me today to love people
and not impress them. Help me today to not compare
myself with anyone in any way or judge or evaluate
others based on their outward appearance, wealth,
position, or perceived value to me or our ministry.
Help me from any and all false humility or posturing
that communicates that I'm more than I am. Finally,
Lord, help me today to do justice, to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with you. Now, that's ugly.
But it was in comparing myself with others that
my arrogance. And therefore, I was unloving to
my sister. I was unloving to a man who God may
have wanted to hear the gospel. I was unloving.
loving because in my comparison, I compared downward
and me and mine and what I had to do was here
instead of considering others more important
than myself. Where are you on the journey? What
if this week you said, God, I'm going to attack
the hit man of either arrogance or envy. I want
to maximize my love. So I can minimize the urgent
and the demanding that is masquerading and causing
my life to be so complex. You're listening to
Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the
message you just heard, what's love got to do
with it, is from our series, Spiritual Simplicity.
Chip will join us in studio to share some insights
from today's talk in just a minute. Most of us
live very hectic lives, moving too fast, demanding
too much, and delivering too little. If you're
desperate for an alternative that actually works,
then this study is for you. Chip's teaching will
help you escape this destructive pattern and
reveal how to better prioritize what matters
most and love others in a fresh, revolutionary
way. If you've missed any part of this series,
catch up anytime through the Chip Ingram app.
Well, Chip's back in studio with me now. And
Chip, you wrapped up this message by reminding
us how we can get stuck in an unhealthy cycle
of comparison. And, you know, so often when we
do that, we get so focused on the wrong stuff,
we neglect our relationship with God. So for
people who feel out of sync in their faith, how
can they find that healthy spiritual rhythm again?
Well, Dave, I think most people would say start
reading the Bible, spend quality time with God,
take maybe some passages where you're struggling
and memorize a short chapter. I think all of
those would be great places to start. But most
of us are struggling with the lack of community.
Isolation has killed us. The enemy, that's his
goal, to get us isolated, to get us discouraged,
to get us looking inward. And the only way to
experience the life of the Holy Spirit is to
be with people. We need to get... in a room with
a group of people centered around the Word of
God and say, we're going to meet every week or
every other week. We're going to do life together.
We're going to be open. We're going to be honest.
We're going to dig in. We're going to apply the
Scripture to our lives, and we're going to encourage
one another. It's been a really, really hard
last 18 to 24 months. We need each other. And
so let me encourage you to go to our website
and choose the small group study that best meets
the needs of your family or a group of men, a
group of women, or a group of couples. We have
studies to help you get back in sync, get in
rhythm, get in community, because there's life
there. And God longs for us to experience the
very life of Christ, but we can't do it alone.
Thanks, Chip. Well, we have a growing library
of small group resources on a wide range of topics,
and they're so easy to use. Chip provides the
teaching. Then you'll have time to discuss what
you've heard alongside our helpful study guides.
We also offer some insights for leaders to effectively
lead their groups. If you're not in a small group
yet or looking for your next topic to study,
check out our resources. And as Chip said, for
a limited time, we've discounted all of our small
group resources so you can get into community
today. To learn more, go to livingontheedge .org
or call us at 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333
-6003 or livingontheedge .org. App listeners,
tap special offers. We'll hear again as Chip
to share a few final thoughts. As I close today's
program, I want to remind you that comparison
always leads to carnality. And as I shared in
the message, We do this so often. I mean, all
of us do it. We do it multiple times a day, so
much so that we actually start believing and
thinking that it's normal. And the fact of the
matter is, it's not. It always takes me to a
bad place. And whether you tend to compare, you
know, upwardly and feel like you don't measure
up and you envy how people look or envy what
they do or envy what they wear or envy what they
drive or envy, you know, the boyfriend or girlfriend
or the maid or the children, all that takes you
to a place It's fine, as we talked about, to
desire. You know, have desires for a mate or
have desires maybe for a car that works or for
a job that's better. That's fine. But you can't
compare yourself with others. Or some of us go
the other direction. We compare downward. And
out of our insecurities and struggles, we feel
better and superior. And we put people down.
And even in our minds, you know, we don't even
say anything. But if we have a little bit of
disdain, like I'm better than you, it comes out
in your body language. It comes out in your tone
of voice. And so I want to encourage you. What's
love got to do with it? Simplifying your life
demands that you cut to the heart and ruthlessly
eliminate comparing. And so in the message today,
I gave you two or three very practical ways,
and I want to remind you, and let's just do them
today. The moment you start to compare, I want
you to catch yourself. So when you walk in the
office or go to the construction site or you're
driving in your car and you look to the right
or look to the left, and the first thought is,
hmm, And you start to compare, then I want you
to stop. And then I want you to thank God for
whatever that person has. Lord, thank you for
that car that they have. I don't know their life.
Thank you for that child they have. Thank you
for the job that they do have. And then, God,
thank you that you made me just the way you made
me. And then whatever it is that sort of prompts
a hurt or a need or a desire like, you know,
I would really like to have a mate or I wish
we could have children someday or I really need
a better job or this junker that I'm driving
really isn't any good. After you thank God for
what he's given them, With a sincere heart, say,
Heavenly Father, this is just a desire. I don't
want to compare myself with anyone, but I'm asking
you, would you help me? Would you grant this
desire? And I don't want it to impress people.
I want it so I can serve you better. See if today
you can put a death blow to comparison and see
if God won't allow you to love more deeply and
more authentically and watch what happens. Thanks
for that good challenge, Chip. As we wrap up,
I want to thank those of you who make this program
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Your gifts help us create programs, purchase
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edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
I'm Dave Drury, and I hope you'll join us again
next time.