Everyone experiences relational conflict. It's
part of the human condition. Moms, dads, sons,
daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, neighbors,
coworkers. Breakdowns in relationship are normal.
Today I'm going to talk about five specific ways
to resolve relational conflict. You're not going
to want to miss it. Stay with me. Thank you for
being with us for this edition of Living on the
Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip serves as our Bible
teacher for this global teaching and discipleship
ministry, helping Christians develop an authentic
faith. Well, in just a minute, we'll pick up
in our series, I Choose Peace, as Chip continues
teaching us how to foster unity and harmony in
our relationships. And don't miss the opportunity
to receive some practical wisdom from Chip on
this pivotal topic after today's message. So
be sure to stick around. Okay, here's Chip with
the second half of his message in relational
conflict. Grab your Bible and go again to Philippians
chapter 4. Just go to a coffee shop sometime
and act like you have earphones on. And just
listen to everybody. Just listen to everybody.
It's really fun, tell you the truth. And 80 %
of the conversations... Well, I don't know what
he's thinking, you know. You know, he plays golf
three times a week, and he expects me to take
care of the kid, and blah, blah, blah. Well,
my roommate, you know what? You know, the refrigerator,
this is my side, and this is her side, and I
paid for everything, and this is what she did.
And, you know, my supervisor, I think he's on
drugs, you know. Right? People are talking about
someone else. And what's it do? Gasoline on the
fire. He says, get your focus upward. And not
only this, he says, hey, there's something. Are
you ready, Christians? You ready, small group?
Ready, family? more important than are you happy
and are you getting along and is this person
going to quickly come and apologize? He says,
you have a personal responsibility. Let your
gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
The Lord is near could mean, you know, he's available.
But in the context, the Lord is near. The Lord
is near as he's coming back. That's what he just
talked about. Life is short. You're going to
be judged. I'm going to be judged. So he says,
let your gentleness. We don't have a single English
word to translate this. He's basically saying,
okay, get your focus upward in the midst of this
conflict, whole church and you too, ladies. Let
your gentleness, let your forbearance, let your
geniality, let your generosity. That's the idea
of this word. Let your consideration. As one
commentator said, let your sweet reasonableness.
The essence would be something that would go
like this. Be willing to accept less than your
due in this relationship for the sake of the
broader message of the reputation of Christ.
It's sort of like saying, you know what? I'm
not going to be proved right. I'm not gonna own
not just the 5%, I think. I'm gonna go ahead
and own 51 % of this so we get the ball moving.
And I'm willing to humble myself because this
relationship, being right, is more important
than me being right. Do you get it? That's the
point. This takes huge humility. So how do you
do it? Each of these verses, I think, give us
a very specific application about how to resolve
or diffuse problem relationships. And you'll
learn in just a minute why I say I choose peace
because what I'm going to ask you to do, in fact,
is what God is asking you to do, is to stop putting
it off, stop rationalizing, stop saying it'll
get better in time, stop saying things like,
well, I know how they're going to respond, so
why try? Relationships really matter to God.
And if there's someone in your family or someone
in the body of Christ, especially. And so number
one, resolve to stop procrastinating. The word
resolve. In other words, I'm going to ask you
as God's representative for this little tiny
moment to make a commitment to address the problem
relationship that came to your mind in the next
seven days. Make a commitment. It might be the
beginning. It might be I'm going to talk with
someone. It might be, hey, I need to talk with
a counselor. It might be I'm going to schedule
an appointment. If you don't deal with it, are
you ready? You're under stress. It's impacting
your body. You know, a lot of times when we go
to the refrigerator or eat or drink too much
of something, or some of you that are wrestling
with addictions, do you understand the problem
is not the alcohol? It's not the drug. It's not
the internet. when there is a lack of peace,
when there's that unsettled, that soul, you will
fill it with something that'll give you a pseudo
peace short term. And then it will require a
bigger shot of that something to keep that artificial
peace for a while until you find yourself looking
up in some ditch with tons of pain. We have a
command. We want to be Romans 12 Christians.
Romans 12, 17 says, Respect what is right in
the sight of all people. As far as it depends
on you, be at peace with all men. All men, Christians,
non -Christians, workers, supervisors, neighbors.
The word respect, literally, it means to consider.
And the word is like an accounting term. It's
a thoughtful, pondering, stepping back. It's
consider. It's where you get out of, they wronged
you and they did this and they did that and here's
all the reasons they should. And you just pause
and have an out -of -body experience. I don't
mean this in a new age way. And you actually
look at the situation and you say, from their
perspective, how possibly could they see themselves
as being right? Oh, they're... Their gifts are
more this way than mine. They come from this
kind of a family. They were wounded in the past
like that. And oh, gosh, you know, if I was trying
to be objective, those two points were actually
pretty true, but they made me defensive. It's
how can you consider, not that you agree, just
consider what's right in their eyes. You do understand
that people don't wake up like, I want to ruin
every relationship and be a jerk. That's my goal.
No one does that. When they're being a jerk and
ruining the relationship, however they're acting
makes sense to them. So what you want to find
out is how could this possibly make sense? Because
understanding is the first step toward any kind
of restitution or resolution or healing or forgiveness.
Second, reevaluate your expectations. Especially
those of us that are followers of Jesus. You
know, we have this expectation. Christians should
never argue. Christians should never have tension
in a relationship. Christians should never have
a falling out. So if we do, there's got to be
a bad person. Can I ask you in this text, is
there a bad person? Is there? I mean, they both
contended for the faith. They're going to be
in heaven. A part of Paul's going, ladies, you're
going to have a long time. Might as well start
getting along now. But we have this idea that
if there's tension and if you share it. Now,
sometimes we don't share it in the best way.
But the expectation that everything's going to
be sort of Jesus meek and mild. Everything's
wonderful. Or to expect that he's a Christian
businessman or she is a Christian mom. And she
cut me off in the pickup line for the Christian
school. And then I don't think she was pointing
where to go with that finger, actually. And she
calls herself a Christian? He says he's a Christian
leader and, right, you fill it in. So you're
a follower, all of us that happen to be followers
of Christ. So you've never done that, right?
You've never said things that you would be ashamed
of. You've never acted in ways. I'm memorizing
a verse. Right now, because God, some of us are
sort of, I call rescuers and some of us are warriors.
Rescuers want everything fixed now. We have to
make this right. Everything has to be smooth.
Warriors are justice warriors. You need to see
what the issue is and own your stuff. Can anyone
imagine which one I might be? I married a rescuer.
We can fix this. Calm, quiet, lovely Teresa.
I'm like, that's wrong. Until they admit they're
wrong, until they come clean, you know. Here's
your expectation. It's never going to come out
the way you have pictured in your mind of them,
you know, in your anger fantasies. Oh, I just
want you to know that everything I said was wrong.
I was a terrible person. I can't believe what
I said. You are wonderful and I am terrible.
Could we be friends again? I mean, we actually
play those things kind of out in our mind. Conflict
is real, New Testament. Barnabas and Paul. Paul's
a murderer. No one believes he's really come
to know Jesus, except one guy, Barnabas. Barnabas
says, hey, I'll help you, introduces him to the
apostles. He goes off, gets some training from
the Lord. Years later, he comes back, and he
and Barnabas are part of launching this amazing
church in Antioch where Gentiles, it's the first
Christian church. And in Acts 13, they're all
praying. And God says, set apart for me Barnabas
and Paul. Not Paul and Barnabas. Barnabas is
the leader. And his name is the son of encouragement.
Exhortation gifts, loving, very generous. And
he's got this, I mean, this great intellect communicator.
And so they go on this missionary journey. And
God does amazing, amazing things. So then they're
ready to do another one. And they're discipling
people. So Paul has found Timothy and says, why
don't you go? And Barnabas said, John Mark, he's
a good young guy. And they go on the second journey.
As they go on the second journey, John Mark flakes
out. So it got hard. It got difficult. We don't
have details. He quit and went back home. Well,
now they're ready for like, you know, the next
round. And Paul says, we need to revisit the
churches. And Barnabas says, well, yeah, we'll
take John Mark because, you know, he didn't do
so well. And I've been, here's the chipping room.
This is not in the Bible. Don't look for this
little part. Here's Barnabas. You know, he's
in my discipleship group. And, you know, he has
abandonment issues. He struggles with commitments.
And, you know, he needs another chance. And he's
going to make it. He's really going to make it.
He needs to go on this trip. And Paul, driven,
cleric, type A, mission from God, no. What do
you mean no? I said no. He can't go? No. Why?
He flaked. The mission's too important. We can't
put it in the hands of someone who's going to
flake again. Barnabas says to Paul, by the way,
this is all chip. Okay, don't be looking for
accident team. But it's the heart of it. And
Barnabas goes, so who were you? You were a murderer
and I helped you out. Where would you be? Hey,
that's different. The mission is what counts.
And by the way, you know, sometimes we read the
Bible and... If you've ever been in a Jewish
culture and high -powered people, this was not
Barnabas going, Paul, I really think we should
take him. And Paul going, well, swell, Barney,
but, you know, I just don't really think it's
going to work. This went something like this.
I mean, they're going nuts. And it was never
the same. Part of your expectation is sometimes.
over non -doctrinal, non -moral issues when you
have different styles, different philosophies,
some things happen, and it's never going to be
the same. And there's not a bad person. And so
that's how you talk about them, not as a bad
person. Third, get competent outside help. Okay?
If you're working on a relationship in your marriage,
if you're working on a relationship at work,
if you're working on a relationship with a friend,
if it's someone in a small group and you just
keep rubbing each other the wrong way and God
has put on your heart, I need to do something
so that we restore this relationship so there's
peace. And every time you try, you just get more
frustrated and it gets worse. It means you can't
do it. And that's not bad. Get outside help.
I've told this and I'll tell it again and again
and again and again because especially for us
men, when our wives say, we need outside help
and we should go to a counselor, our reaction
is, well, you can go if you want to, but I don't
need that stuff. All the men are looking down.
Because it's true. Don't give me that touchy
-feely junk. What we really say is, man, that's
an arena that's very, very threatening. And I
don't want to look at stuff in my life. And that's
where I was. I've been married nine months. I
was in seminary to learn to preach the Word of
God. And I can't get along with my wife. I'm
making $1 ,000 a month, and the student discount
rate is $90 or $95 per session, and I did 12
sessions with my wife. And the only thing that
kept me from going, I wouldn't go for a couple
weeks, was my arrogant pride that I didn't want
to be seen as someone who was a, quote, seminary
student who couldn't even get along with his
wife. Humility is the channel through which grace
flows. Five years later, we had another little
bump. What we realized is we had all kind of
issues to work through. But it was amazing. Okay,
well, this isn't a big deal. Let's go talk with
someone, get it out objectively. We've been talking
for hours. It's not working. And get some help.
The help needs to be biblically wise, someone
you respect, someone who's objective, not your
friend or their friend, and someone that you
can trust to say from a biblical perspective,
here's how you too can bring some things to resolution.
And both of you will hear some things you don't
want to hear. And both of you will walk away
going, I've now decided to stop demanding the
other person change for our marriage to be what
it needs to be because I can't control that.
But here's what I've learned about me that I
need to change. And I'm going to work on that
with you, whether he or she responds or not.
Some of you, that's your application. For others,
it's a business relationship and you need some
outside help. You're listening to Living on the
Edge, and Chip will be back in just a minute
to finish today's talk. But quickly, I want to
remind you that this program is only possible
because of the generosity of listeners like you.
So if you'd like to support us, go to livingontheedge
.org. That's livingontheedge .org. And thanks
for doing whatever God leads you to do. Well,
let's rejoin Chip now for the remainder of his
message. Fourth, refuse to allow one relationship.
to ruin your life. If you are a rescuer and it
has to be fixed until everyone sits down, until
you feel ooey gooey about everything, and it's
just the way. You know, and it happens in churches.
It's just crazy stuff. Like, you know, you led
the Bible study last year, but then someone had
a health issue and you had to be out of town
and someone filled in for you and it's coming
around again and they're asking her to lead it
instead of you. Oh, why? They cut me out and
then you talk to your friends and now they've
got this. Or you, you know, how about this one?
You know, I worked on the parking team and this
was my corner and I love this corner and, you
know, I got cancer and I was out, you know, four
months and I came back to the parking team and
someone else had my corner. Can you believe it?
He's got my corner in the park. You're laughing,
but I've been doing this church stuff for like
35 years. It's worse than that. They change the
colors. We put flowers up here, and we put them
here after the funeral. And someone put them
off to the sides. And those were for my husband.
And now they hate everybody. Do you understand?
Some of you are held captive. I had a little
gal. She was 14 at the time, came up after the
service and talked about her dad left when she
was 14. And she was in tears and distraught.
And this was years later. And I told her, I said,
are you going to give him the power? Are you
going to forgive him? No relationship since then.
Some of you have a relationship like that. And
it's an ex or it's one of your kids that doesn't
call and you have resentment. Now, I want to
give you a tool about how to start a conversation
so that in your zeal, you don't blow it up. And
I'll do that at the very end. But you have to
make a decision first. Don't let one relationship,
as far as it depends on you, when you take the
step, I'm not even telling you they'll respond
well. They don't have to respond well. But when
you, as far as it depends on you, have done all
that you can, you step back. You'd be at peace
with them. Because we all have this. But we rarely
deal with it. And part of it is we don't know
how. And the bigger part is that we have so reframed
it in our mind. They're terrible and bad. And
it's none of our fault. The worst time I've had
in my life was a little over 10 years ago. And
I felt like... And I'm certain that part of my
perspective was really true, that I went through
the biggest betrayal of my whole life. And it
was the rawest deal. I mean, I was so angry.
You talk about the digital alarm, you know, 111,
204, 317. It just, like, every night like that.
You know, when I had to drive in the car, I had
to put on music or something, or my stomach would
grind with, you know, pictures of people and
what they said in different meetings. And I was
livid. And I had a friend really help me. And
we sat down one day, and he was really helping
me get through all this and giving me, you know,
get vertical. It was really good. I mean, I've
been a pastor for a lot of years. Like, I wasn't
stupid about what I needed to do. It was just
hard to do it. And he said, could you do me a
favor? Yeah. I said, yeah, there's certainly
some raw deals here. Yeah, that's right. Jack,
you're right. He said, but I want you to do something
for me. Yeah. I want to meet here. I can tell
you right where I was sitting. Next week, right
here, same time. Okay, yeah. And I want you to
pray for seven days. And I want you to list all
the mistakes that God reveals to you that you
made in all your time and all the specific ways
that you sinned against the people in question.
And you're my friend. He's a godly guy. And I
did. I remember coming back and sitting at the
same place, getting my Diet Coke, leaning forward.
And I'm in tears going, well, you know. And I
can see I pushed their buttons. These were such
stupid leadership mistakes. And the sin part
was hard. But I prayed, God showed me these seven
things. I wrote them down, gave them to him.
It's amazing how much we say, oh, God, I want
justice. But from you, I want mercy. And that
was the turning point because I realized I couldn't
ask, I couldn't ask God to give me mercy for
all of this and then give me justice for them
and was able to, are you ready? For some of you,
just let it go. They're never going to see it
that way. For some of you others, it's not going
to get fixed. There's not a little bow. You're
not going to sing Kumbaya. You're not going to
go shopping together and have lunch again. but
you can agree to disagree, you can forgive, and
you can move forward as far as it depends on
you. The final point, and I want you to jot this
one down, is remember a right response is more
important than being right. A right response
is more important than being right. Let your
gentleness be evident to all. Life is too short.
And part of a right response, at least in my
experience, is even in apologies. I had a situation
recently where a conversation got really intense,
and then I looked at this guy's face and realized,
oh, my gosh. Man, I just poured cold water on
him and his confidence and, you know, went home,
went to bed. You know, one of those where God
just wakes you up. And Lord, what am I going
to do? That was normal. You know, I'm like you.
You're flesh. You always want to defend yourself.
And wow, there was this, this, this, and this.
And God said, you know what? I'll take care of
this, this, this, and this. How about this on
you? And I just, one of those where, I mean,
it was just so, just. own more than you need
to own if necessary. Because what I can tell
you is whatever your perspective is, you're like
me, you're more guilty and you're more messed
up than you think. So if you think it's like
25 % your fault, go for 50 or 60. And I remember
just realizing the only thing I could do as far
as it depends on me, I just... Dear so -and -so,
I want to apologize for ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba.
I want to apologize for saying this ba -ba -ba
-ba -ba. I want to apologize for ba -ba -ba -ba
-ba. I want to apologize. Actually, I said this.
I was obviously defensive because it wasn't even
true. And I was just able to say, you know, this
is such a godly man. And I just needed to repent.
And he's so godly. So I'm two days later, so
supportive, so loving. I got it. You're forgiven.
Can I tell you, that's normal. If you want to
accomplish something with your life, you want
a great marriage, there's sparks. You want a
great relationship with your adult kids, you
bring up stuff that's uncomfortable. But you
have to bring it up in a way that doesn't throw
gasoline on a fire, but brings truth covered
in love. Turn to the back page, and this is what
all I want to ask you to do, is I want you to
ask yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, what level
of stress and concern are you having in terms
of any relational problems? And then zip down
to question 4. Is there anyone that, as you're
sitting here, God is saying, you need to address
this? And then the question is, who could help
you? And the one tool, it's on the bottom. It's
not a Christian book, but it's called Crucial
Conversations, Tools for Talking When Stakes
Are High. Written by Patterson, Jenny, McMillan,
Schweitzer. I don't know anything about them.
All I can tell you, three or four people told
me. Finally, my son said, Dad, you're in ministry
and you haven't read this book? No. Well, I read
it. And it is the most helpful pathway. to love
people and put hard things on the table that
doesn't threaten. I want you to bow your head
and I want you to ask the Lord, Lord, what do
you want me to do? What do you want me to do?
Can you imagine the healing that occur in families,
extended families, small groups, this church,
neighborhoods, if you, all of us, do what God
is showing us? Lord, we love you, we thank you,
and we praise you. And I ask now that you give
courage, supernatural courage and faith to every
single person in this room, every single person
that ever hears or watches this, Lord, that you
would bring healing. Because what happens is
you'll grant peace, and we thank you. You're
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram,
and the message you just heard in relational
conflict is from our series, I Choose Peace.
Chip will join us in studio to share some insights
from today's talk in just a minute. What does
it mean to be at peace? Is it having a thriving
career, happy household, financial security?
While many strive for these goals, they often
bring only short -term satisfaction, leaving
us seeking more. In this 12 -part study in Philippians
chapter 4, Chip explains where this attitude
of discontentment comes from and the ways it
steals our peace. Stay with us to learn how to
move beyond temporary calmness and develop a
lasting, peace -centered life that comes from
God. If you've missed any part of this series,
catch up anytime at livingontheedge .org or wherever
you listen to podcasts. Well, our Bible teacher,
Chip Ingram, is here with me in studio now. And
Chip, all this last month, we asked our listeners
to partner with us in the work we're involved
in all around the world. And now that our mid
-year match is over, you wanted to say something
to everyone. Well, Dave, I just wanted to pause.
I mean, to really pause and tell you from the
bottom of my heart, thank you. You know, every
time a person makes a financial gift, a spiritual
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You invested in living on the edge. And I want
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entire staff here at Living on the Edge, thank
you for your support. Well, here again is Chip
to share a few final thoughts from this message.
As we wrap up today's program, I want to ask
you something very personal. Who did the Lord
bring to your mind as I was wrapping up the teaching
time? I mean, who was it? And before you start
into, oh, I'm not really all that mad. It's not
that big a problem, et cetera, et cetera. Just
who did God bring to your mind? And what I want
you to know now is that the Lord is giving you
an opportunity to choose peace. Most of us shove
this to the side, write people off, pretend it's
not a problem, often get depressed because we
don't ever deal with the issues, the resentment,
the bitterness, the anger. Unresolved conflicts
don't get better with time. They get better with
faith and action and courage. And I gave you
five specific ways. In fact, you may want to
go to our website and download these notes and
review them a few times before you act on them.
But let me do a review. Number one, resolve to
stop procrastinating. I want you to put a date
on the calendar. I mean, open your phone and
stick it on a day that I'm going to act on this.
I'm going to start the process of resolving this
conflict. Number two, reevaluate your expectations.
I mean, we talked about that, but, I mean, you
really think this person's entire personality
and perspective is going to change overnight?
You know, what can you reasonably expect, and
can you just do as far as it depends on you?
Maybe things won't be wonderful, but as far as
it depends on you, you could say, Lord, I've
done my part. Third, get competent outside help.
If you could have solved it on your own, it would
have been solved by now. I'm so glad that in
my marriage and at least a couple really difficult
work situations, I've needed someone else to
come in and be that objective third party to
help both of us learn and grow. Number four,
refuse to allow a relationship to ruin your life.
I mean, do you realize how much time, how much
energy, how much stomach acid, how many conversations
you've had with other people about this. Don't
let one relationship ruin your life. And finally,
remember that your right response matters way
more to God than your rights. And so, Lord, I
pray you said that the world would know that
we are yours by the way that we love one another.
And when we don't, it screams that you're not
true. And Father, not just for our sake, but
we pray right now for your reputation that you
would give each one of us right now courage and
faith to follow these steps. And Father, I pray
you'll bring unity and peace and resolution.
Lord, first for your glory and then for the resolution
and the joy that you want in our relationships
with one another. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen.
Thanks, Chip. Hey, before we go, in case you
missed some of the points Chip just reviewed,
they're pulled straight from his message notes,
a tool available for every program. So get this
resource before you listen to us again. Chip's
notes include his outline, all of the scripture
references, and lots of fill -ins to help you
remember what you're learning. Download them
at livingontheedge .org under the broadcasts
tab. App listeners, just tap fill -in notes.
For Chip and the entire team here, this is Dave
Drewy thanking you for listening to this edition
of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join
us again next time.