I hope I don't cough. Good morning, Porch. It's
day two in the EKY with the OG Mama. We haven't
been up very long. Well, we haven't been functional
very long. I have not been up long. You have.
Oh, yes. I got up early. And then I read the
Bible. Listen, all the way. Almost. Now, I got
halfway through Isaiah, and I'm like, he's just
real mad. He reminds me of my dad. He's just
like the first 39 chapters. He's like, the wrath
is coming. I'm telling you, you're stupid. You're
not listening. The wrath is coming. Okay, we're
not on the feral Christian. You've got to hush
for a minute. I'm in the middle of a sentence
about this. But once I tripped over to chapter
40, things start perking up. It's like Isaiah
took a Prozac. See? And God said. He was pleased
I was talking about it. Sunshine. No, it was
because I said hush. The Lord would not shine
a light on that. Is that my phone? Yeah. There's
two people in there. They can't answer it. Who's
calling this early in the morning? Annalene.
I don't think she's up. Her life is on. It's
okay to explain this. It's not like I'm going
to heaven. Why? Lord, I love it. Thank you. Hang
on, let me get my sunglasses. Phew, 100 -year
-old porch swing still hanging on. And that's
the gospel truth. Hello. We'll have to tell that
in a minute. So we have 100, give or take, acres.
But it goes from the corner of way up there at
the 3 ,000 marker all the way down here to the
4 ,000 marker. And we basically have a mile of
sand here. To the Rockaway. To the Rockaway Road.
To the Cobb Ford Road. Where y 'all have dumped
yet another bicycle overnight. What? Did you
sneak down there in the middle of the night,
Batman? Like, how did you know what time that
they dropped this bicycle off? Do you have a
flock camera? That's where they were. They're
going to find out. So. Our property is at, okay,
we have, there's three straight stretches on
Sand Hill. That you can pass. That you can pass
in. Or pop wheelies on them. Or go real, real,
real fast. Or if mom was late for work. Hey,
hey, why not a Judd? I'm on TV. Anyway, I'm on
the phone. It's scarlet. Oh, it's scarlet. Never
mind. So that explains what I'm talking about
here. So, there's three straight stretches. The
ones at the bottom of the hill there in front
of Shannon Richardson's house. You would hit
that hill and just go, like, especially, you
know, past Doris, is that her name, Doris Tavis'
house? Mm -hmm. Yes. Okay, then the second straight
stretch is right there in front of Gina Lewory's
house. Mm -hmm. Mitchell Hoover's house. And
Mitchell Hoover's house. The third straight stretch
goes from our property all the way down to John's
property, and it's one big, long straight stretch,
and they flat fly down this hill. Good morning,
Scarlett. Hi, Scarlett Beth. So we live about
every two -tenths of a mile, starting from Walnut
Bend all the way down to Watermelon Ridge. So
there's me, and then there's Granny, and then
come two acres, and there's Mom, and go two acres,
and there's Beth, and then go. And then there's
John. Then there's John. And then there's John.
So there's still three more grandkids that have
to claim their two acres. We don't know where
yet. Four. Three. Scarlett, Dylan, Taylor. There's
only five grandchildren in this family. So anyway,
don't you elbow me. Anyway, she knows. So anyway,
has anybody paid attention here lately to the
fact that they have changed the color of Cajun
shrimp? Okay, listen, let me explain something
to you. I've been wearing Cajun shrimp since
prom 1998. Yes? Joan Wise, 98. Yes. Freshman
year. So for dang near 30 years, I've been wearing
the same color. I know this color. I know it.
It's on my toes. I even take my own nail polish
to the pedicurist, and she cusses me out in Korean,
and I'm like, I don't care. I don't want the
bitter gel. I want this. And mine even has a
bust. I dropped it once off the tour bus, and
I busted the bottom of it, and it didn't break
the bottle. It just chipped it, so it sits like
this when you sit it down. Anyhow, nobody cares.
So I was at the beauty supply house yesterday
with the mom using the online card. She keeps
her beauty license active so that we can still
get discounts on hair products. We all use each
other. You want to know how I got the idea to
use somebody else's girls' cash? We was talking
about that yesterday. We used Arlene's number
at the State Beauty Supply House. I used Dad's
number at the Go Time to get a dollar off cigarettes.
Beth used somebody's number. We used Dylan's
at Harbor Freight. We used Dylan's number at
Harbor Freight. And Scarlett uses Beth at Go
Time. So we are a communal, like we all have
the same Netflix account, too, I'm pretty sure.
We're a sharing family. We're a sharing family.
I do that too. I'm like, it might be under my
home number. It might be under my other cell
phone number. And I'm like looking up your number
and looking up mom's number. The worst one is
Rite Aid, Walgreens. Oh, God. Why do they give
you a pad of paper with every purchase? And I
thought we were supposed to be saving paper.
And it's like now when you check out somewhere,
they... And you're standing there like you're
rolling up toilet paper from a cat going like
this, and you're going... Well, by the way, we
got off the set. I bought this yesterday at the
beach pie house, and it is not the same color.
And then we got home and went in Southern Living.
Southern Living magazine said. Southerners are
noticing there's something different about Cajun
shrimp. And they contacted OPI, and OPI said
the only thing we did was in the gel formula.
Well, that's not gel. This is lacquer. Right?
I don't use gel. You don't have to talk so loud.
My whole life. Anyway, so, I painted my nails
this night, and you... Wait a minute. You're
about to show your hooves. Well, that's what
I have on cute underwear. So, if you can see
my... Look, this is not the same colors. Them's
not the same colors. OPI, this is more pink than
orange. It's supposed to be more coral. Cajun
shrimps. Not Cajun Flares. I'm not happy with
OPI. Thank you. Somebody said it's very neon.
That's what they said in the Southern Living.
Doris had been wearing it for almost 30 years,
and she said it was more neon than Cajun. And
I was like, I've lived in Louisiana. That ain't
Cajun. That's Highway Safety Pink from West Virginia.
Speaking of, West Virginia had tornado warnings
today. I called and checked on my chickens. What
did they say? Did they say they were okay? My
chicken tender answered, and she said that the
raccoons were real scared and ate all the cat
food because they stress eat. Oh, my God. It's
going to be a tornado. And eat it all. This could
be it. This could be the end. And so then she's
like, do I let the chickens out? I'm like, well,
they're fairly waterproof, but the turkeys are
stupid. The turkeys will go outside and go, is
it raining? And then they'll drown. They're like,
where's that water coming from? I have heard
Granny Hicks talk about that. I've watched it
happen. I'm like, stupid. They will stand there
and drown in a thunderstorm, yeah. It's the craziest
thing. So, as of this morning, there's a Japan
quake. Did you not get the feed this morning?
I did. 6 .8 in Japan. It ain't rock the world
like that since Hiroshima. It's bad. It's bad.
Okay, I'm going to tell you about the swing.
Okay. This little house that we live in was my
granny and papa Muncie's, Perkyfoot and Desolete.
And when I was a little girl, now my granny died
in January of 1969, so I would have been eight
years old. But I can remember as a little bitty
girl that this swing was here, this exact swing.
I'm sorry. Every morning it's like this. I have
allergies. Every morning. So this is the same
swing. And when my grandparents died and we moved
in here, this swing was still here. We're on
the TV. We remodeled in 97, and I still kept
the swing. And it still has the car hood springs
on it. Uh -huh. So you can bounce. You can't
find those anymore. You go to the junkyard, but,
you know, that time that the, that one president
had everybody, junk cash for clunkers. Yeah.
Was that, no, that was a, no child left behind
was a different, different thing. A whole different
thing. Kind of the same principle. So anyway,
the springs on it are car hood springs. So it's
got good bounce. You can bounce. Same swing.
Been here since the 30s, I think. I never could
really find out what year this house was built.
But I think Aunt Nanny lived here. And Uncle
Stone? Aunt Nanny? No, Aunt Nanny wasn't married
to Uncle Stone. That was her brother. Oh, Aunt
Nanny and Uncle. Oh, shoot. They was married
on April 3rd. Oh, I just snotted. It's too early.
Aunt Nanny and her husband. So because Grandpapa
started out in the log cabin up there, where
Beth lives now. One of them was Uncle Cecil.
Is that what we just do, is just wait for our
grandparents to go so we can take their houses?
Yeah, that's basically what happened. That's
how it stayed in the family farm for 17, since
17, when was the Revolutionary War? I'm fine.
17, when was the Revolutionary War? 1777, 76,
77. It started in like early on, but I mean,
we were still fighting after the declaration.
We were like, we're not done yet. Like, did you
know I found a silk scarf out there in the, in
my, you know, I've been cleaning out my storage
building this week, which is like cleaning out
40 years of your life. And you're like, why have
I kept this? But there's a big silk scarf that
has a hand painted depiction of the Boston Tea
Party on it. And I'm thinking. And that was when
you found the Gettysburg address? The original.
I bought a copy of the Gettysburg address at
the Lincoln. It's like, look, Mom, this is signed
by Abraham Lincoln. I bought it at the Lincoln
Memorial on Senior Trip, and I thought, if I
was Nicolas Cage right now, this would be a clue,
another clue. I haven't done the lemon juice
yet, but it was parchment paper. And I paid almost
$10 for it in the gift shop. Oh, shut your mouth.
That's what Nicolas Cage said. You buy the copy
and then you switch it out. You know, then they
don't know. So it was wrapped up in that Boston
Tea Party's car. Listen, I only stole one thing
in my life. I don't think I can get away with
that. I did. I stole it by accident. Actually,
I stole two things. You stole the second one.
It was a pacifier. Well, don't you accomplish
me. I stole a pacifier, which means I wasn't
old enough for eating it. I was 16, and I was
in Rose's in Richmond, the department store.
Which is where the Hobby Lobby is now. No. No.
Rose's is where Ollie's is now. Where is there
an Ollie's in Richmond? In the Goodwill Shopping
Center. Oh, over there where the Super 1 Foods
used to be. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, anyway, roses.
And they had this eyeshadow. It was green. And
it was round. And then the applicator had a stick
that came out the end of it. So it looked like
a lollipop. It was called Lollipop Colors. Well,
I accidentally stole it. Oh, I should not do
that. I'm going to let it shine. Anyway, I accidentally
stole it. I didn't mean to. What did I have to
do with that? Okay, then years later. Oh, this
is a separate incident. Why do you have a repeat
offender? You're a criminal. So we went in a
store. Miss Tammy, what are you doing at court?
You're going to put you in jail. They're going
to put you in jail. That's another story. So
the second time that you stole, that you broke
a 10th commandment, I was pushing you in your
stroller, and I didn't have a shopping baggie.
So we had purchased a few things. I did. It was
hanging over, and you was throwing a fit for
a Poe. Poe. Poe. Dylan's word was Poe. Mine was
pass. No. Yours was Poe, too. And so I said,
all right, fine. I took it off the shelf, and
I stuck it in the top of the diaper bag that
was hanging over the stroller. And I got home,
and you ran over to that. Dapper bag and grab
that. I knew exactly where you'd put it. I still
have that kind of memory. I'm like, it is in
my backpack, on the chair, in the kitchen, on
the far side of the table. Exactly. I'm good
at that. It's weird. I think that's why I'm so
good at the highlights magazines. Like, I got
bored in the dentist's office. They're like,
this book will take you about an hour to go through.
And I'm like, done. Cat, hairbrush, toothbrush.
Yo, yo. Next. Give me something hard like string
theory, amateurs. I was just like, why? Why did
they think we were all stupid? And why was all
the toys in the treasure chest of Dr. Sutherland's
the same? Why did you need vampire teeth if you
went to the dentist? That was the dumbest thing
to have in that treasure box. Spent all this
time getting my teeth cleaned to put plastic
back in there and try to eat a caramel apple
with it. Stupid. That's why he made so much money.
He's like, I fixed your teeth. Here's some candy
and some sugar daddies. I was like, see you next
week. Oh, I'm so sorry. I keep coughing. Barely
used to me. I cough all the time. Hello. But
I don't smoke anymore. Thank you, Jesus. Listen,
I'd love to remember what year it was I quit.
It was when Dave got sick. No, it wasn't. It
was when Marlboros went from $5 to $5 .25. Well,
then start to Google that. When did Marlboros
go from $5 to $5? I tried, and I couldn't find
it. In Kentucky. See, that's the thing. You have
to say, well, when in Kentucky did Marlboros
go from $5 to $5. Listen, speaking of Kentucky,
why do you have a craft book written by Miss
America, Phyllis George, in your living room?
Because my sister loved Phyllis George Brown,
and she is the one that... got Kentucky artists,
artisans, she went to New York and said, look,
my people in Kentucky, my people in Kentucky
are so talented, and y 'all need to be buying
this stuff. And she is the very reason that Kentucky
artisans have a platform. Have a platform. That's
the truth. And Martha Lane Collins is the reason
that you have a road from here to Hawkinsville.
You quit 13 years ago. See, now, I Google stuff
like that, and you know what comes up? California
was founded in 1798. No, that's not when I wanted.
So 2013 is when I quit. 13 years ago. So what's
really funny is that if you... So I shouldn't
have any smoke left. 2014. On my birthday. It
went up six cents in December, and then it went
up again. So on your 13th birthday, you had to
quit smoking because cigarettes went up a quarter
of a pack. Your allowance was only $5 a week.
I can't afford it. I can't afford it. I have
to cut back. So Scarlett and Mom, speaking of
smoking, this is what's so funny. I love. I could
eat a cigarette right now. I love smoking so
good. No, no, no. So anyway, every Sunday, my
mom used to go out. on the porch, have a little
talk with Jesus. And I remember every week she'd
go, okay, well, now that the dinner dish is up,
I'm going to go outside and SMOKE, okay, I'll
be right back. And finally, one Sunday, Scarlett's
like, ain't Tam. She goes, why do you go SMOKE
every Sunday? And mom looked down, she goes,
cut Scarlet, bet you can't D -R -I -N -K on the
Lord's Day. And Scarlet went, oh. Like, no questions
asked. Because she was about four or five years
old. Why do you go S -M -O -K -E every Sunday?
Yeah, but the thing about it was, me and Kelly
used to sneak off and we'd walk to the store.
You're just telling everything this week, ain't
you? Me and Kelly used to sneak off and we would
walk to the store. She'd look at me or I'd look
at her and she'd say, you want to go SMOK? And
so, you know, Beth was little. Beth was tiny,
you know, because I'm 10 years older. And one
day she walked in the kitchen. She went, Mom,
Tam's going to smoke. I was like, I peaked your
little head off. We were like 14. Well, then
I screwed it up for her when I was about five
years old because when Granny would come out,
she'd hide her cigarettes under the edge of the
couch. I never smoked in front of my parents.
I don't know why. It was out of respect. They
knew I smoked. It was out of fear. I was married
and had kids. I mean, you know, it was just out
of respect. I never smoked in front of them.
She'll still come after you. She'll go out there,
Tam. Yeah, but she didn't come after you. No,
because I told her, just shut up. Well, anyway,
I had them hid under the edge of the couch. And
Sarah gets up, and ooh, she did it at a pure
spite. She's always been like this. A willful
child. Willful my foot. Come over and go, Mom,
your cigarettes are under the couch. If you lost
them, they're under the edge of the couch here.
I remember Mom just went completely red. Speaking
of under that couch, Mom used to have a little...
plastic basket it was brown it's full of cassette
tapes and that was mom's tapes like that's when
she listened to it she's cleaning the house on
saturdays or whatever and I wasn't that sheltered.
I think I was just not like pleasantly naive.
Like when I pulled those out, I was like, I'd
be very careful because these are mom's friends.
So for like a long time, I thought like Bette
Midler and Barbra Streisand, Jackson Brown, Dawn
Johnson, Rod Stewart. I thought those were like
mom's friends and she had like tapes of them.
Like I thought that was. She's got on Rod Stewart.
She's got on Rod Stewart. Now we got to talk
about Rod Stewart in a minute. In a minute. Okay,
circle back. And so when I was growing up, I
really thought that those were just like. And
the reason my brain thought like that is because
Mamaw and Papaw would record me. And so I had
tapes of me singing. And I always just thought,
well, everybody does that. Rob came over and
he gave Mom this. And then Barbra Streisand and
Don Johnson had been here with, Till I Loved
You. Anyway, so when I got out in the real world,
I was like, how do you have a copy of this? And
they're like, these are my mom's people. I was
like, these are my mom's people. And they're
like. Your mom's not related to Bette Midler.
I'm like, I'm telling you, they're friends. I
have this tape. And I really thought that for
like a great part of my childhood. But now that
I'm older, like that's my favorite memories is
like I would sneak out the Bette Midler tape
and I'd listen to it and I'd put it back. And
I'd sneak out the single, the single cassette
of Till I Loved You by Barbra Streisand and Don
Johnson. And I didn't really like Barbra Streisand.
I just liked Don Johnson. Oh, her voice is like
butter. I'm telling you. I loved Miami Vice.
Them driving that car. How did they solve that
many crimes in those kind of leisure suits? You
know, they interviewed Don Johnson once and he
said, who, who thought that we could wear a linen
suit? And wicker shoes. And wicker shoes and
chase cops in Miami, Florida. He said, we like
to have smothers. You know what started the trend
of the rolled up? He got hot. He got hot and
his jacket was too long and they didn't have
enough money in the budget to have it altered,
so he just rolled it up. And it became, like,
the trend. And the pop collars. The pop collar
was an accident, too. They got ready on it between
scenes. Well, now that kind of came out in the
50s. No, I'm talking about the other dude that
was with Don Johnson. Oh, I know. He got ready
really quick one day, and his collar on his little
Lacoste shirt just stuck up. Well, by the next
week, it was on people. And they were like, we're
not setting a trend. I can't remember. He was
so cute. He had the best little hair. Anyway,
anybody know who played with Don Johnson in Miami
Vice in the 80s? The black guy. The black guy
that rode with the white guy. I'm allowed to
say that. I didn't say the little colored boy
like my mama would have said. What? Mom. Yesterday
she said that big Indian that was on that commercial.
That's like. Well, he was. He was an Indian.
Well, no, then I found out later he wasn't. He
was Cajun. Someone wants to know who that black
boy was. That black boy that was so cute. God,
he was pretty. Me and Sean figured out yesterday
that we're the last generation to have racist
parents. Listen, we need to address the Rod Stewart
issue, okay? Now. For those of you who don't
know me. Philip Michael Thomas. That was his.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Oh,
God. Thank you, Donata. I would have left my
husband for him. He would have left you for Marky
Post. Still would. Oh, yeah, of course. But now
it's Jennifer Aniston. That's his freebie. And
anyway, let me tell you all the story about Rod
Stewart. Once upon a time in Irvin. I was like
14, and I went out with this guy, and he was
crazy about Rod Stewart. So, I mean, I remember
exactly where we were. We were in front of Ronnie
Gradyberger's dad's gas station and the twin
that was across from one another. We were driving
up through there, and the guy that I was in the
truck with said, Do you like Rod Stewart? And
me? Being so naive and so stupid. He said, no,
but if you'll hum a few more. I said, you know,
I don't really know him, but I've heard of him.
And that leaves us two with brother -in -law.
I was so embarrassed. And he looked at me and
said, he's a singer. Thanks, Tom. I didn't need
that shoe anyway. He said, he's a singer. So
then I immediately cooked. And it was my goal
in life to discover who Rod Stewart was. And
then become obsessed with him. And then I became
obsessed with him. And I've been to, like, I
don't know, nine of his concerts. And, like,
my sister, when you're surprised me, for my 30th
birthday, with, like, front row seats. In Reparina.
In Reparina. That was the white and pink and
gray show. Oh, my God. It was wonderful. That
was the only time I ever wanted to take my bra
off and throw it on stage. But anyway, so then,
you know, he's old. The other times we're just
forced to do it. The other times it was my opinion.
But, you know, he's getting up in years. He's
80 or 84 -something. His wife is staying the
same age. I don't understand it. She's in a club.
Anyway, Rod Stewart has went over there and run
his mouth. To Big Ear Prince Charles. To Big
Ear Charles. In England. You can't tell somebody
with that big of ears gossip. Well, he ran his
mouth about President Trump. Now, I'm going to
tell you something. I don't care who you are.
You don't go to another country. Well, but actually,
he's... He went to his own country and talked
shit about our country. Yeah. I don't like that.
He made most of his money in our country. I mean,
and then he's getting ready to go on tour in
the United States. farewell tour well you know
i'm i'm serious when he's when he smarted off
to the charles about trump i just almost went
in there and got out my 748 albums of rod stewart
and used them as frisbees well let me just tell
you that don't do nothing to hurt him you've
already spent the money on that it's the principle
i don't know just stop buying more don't stop
stop consuming more I mean, I even have the books
about Rod Stewart. I don't even want them in
my house. And I bought them for you. I bought
them for you. I don't even want them in my house.
He pulled a Dixie chick, pretty much. Well, only
they were from here. But... Well, I just... Your
mama was a Rod groupie. Listen, I was almost
named Tyanna Stewart. And Dad said I wasn't allowed
to be named after a gay British pop star. It's
true. It's true. And then they was going to call
me Mary Lewis, and then Dad was afraid they'd
call me Mary Terry. So when I came out, they
named me Sarah Beth, and I'm still Sarah Terry.
Sarah Beth Terry Courtney, which is like the
longest John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith name ever.
Well, it's like Magnolia Dorothy Marie Terry.
Nola Dot. That's what I call her. That's my niece.
Oh my gosh, I have to tell you a funny story.
Okay, so Mom and Dad got a new roof this week.
Finally. It's beautiful. Oh, my gosh, it's beautiful.
Y 'all drive by. Drive by and be. Send money.
Send money because we have to recoup. So anyway,
and they hand sheared it. And my papa would have
been super impressed with that because he used
to. He would have. He'd been like, how you doing
that? Where you boys from? Anyway, so. And they'd
be going, huh? Okay. Anyway, so they spoke Spanish.
I did not. And I speak un poquito Espanol because
I took it in high school. Maggie. I don't know.
I don't know. Okay. Thank you, Dad. So Daddy
goes, get out of here and translate. And I was
like, I don't. He was asking us a question. I've
taken Italian since I've taken Spanish. Like,
this is how fluent I am. So. I had to go out
and basically say, you know, how much plywood
did you buy? How much is left? I said, thank
you for taking care of my parents. I called my
mom and I saw it was a whole thing. So anyway,
so I was calling my brother who is actually more
fluent in Spanish than I am, which is none. So
he's like moderately proficiently fluent. And
I called Dylan. I said, so I had to play translator
and I was telling him and Dylan's just cracking
up. Well, in the middle of our conversation,
my five -year -old nephew pops up and goes, Queenie,
I can speak Spanish. Who knows? Dos, tres, cuartos,
cincos, tacos, nachos, ochos. Dylan's just like.
I just sit there and he's like, I can speak.
You tell Papa I speak Spanish. He's four. I was
like, you do. You do a good job. He'll tell you.
I'll be five in August. August 13th. Because
we have the same birthday. Me and Maverick have
the same birthday. So I said, you're going to
be five, which means I'm going to be 43. He goes,
because you're 42 now. And he said, when I'm
eight, my sis will be five. Dylan said, that's
right. He goes, I know. It's like Dylan at that
age. He goes, hey, Dad, you remember that story?
Tell that story. I couldn't go on a field trip
with Dylan. Was it kindergarten or first grade?
It's first grade, wasn't it? Elizabeth Hughes.
It wasn't Elizabeth Hughes. His name was Rene
Wainscott. You were Elizabeth Hughes. I was E.
Hughes. But anyway. He was in love with Rene.
Oh, my God. Oh, I know. He was so mad when she
got married. He was six. So anyway, they went
to the planetarium on a field trip, and I couldn't
go because I worked. And Corky was on second
shift, so Corky could go. And they went to the
planetarium, and you know how they're all sitting
there in the dark, and they're just showing the
stars, and Dylan's dead. You see that right there?
That little group of stars. And Corky said, yes.
He goes, that's Orion's belt. Corky said, I was
so impressed. My son knows Orion's belt in the
galaxy. That's great. He goes, really? He went,
could be. Maybe. Just making that stuff up. Oh,
la, la, la. Oh, gosh. Oh. If God had given me
as much money as he gave me snot, we would be
rolling in dough. I'd be blowing my nose with
$100 bills. Yeah, I'd be blowing my nose with
$100 bills. I hate this. I know. Listen, did
you tell them? Did you show them your banana
clip? I found a banana clip in my storage unit.
Look how feisty she looks today. I'm bringing
it back. It looks good. It does. See, it does.
I make 80s hair look good. I've always made 80s
hair look good. I, on the other hand, did not.
Oh, God. She had that curly hair and me standing
there every morning, her going, ow. Ow. I was
some kind of. OCD? No. I mean, you gave me a
facelift in the third grade. I was like, this
is too tough. My mother was a hairdresser. What
did you expect? I called it the worst headaches.
And I was like, can you see the board? And I'm
like, no. I can't. Somebody come take these.
Oh, I got so mad. You know them things with the...
The hair things with the balls on the end that
were so shh. Oh, I hate that. And you didn't
even wrap them. You just went around it and clipped
them little balls. Well, I couldn't figure that
out. So I had worn one in my hair in kindergarten,
and I had worked it from being a ponytail all
the way down to right here, and then I gave up
and just yanked it out. Yeah, you still got a
bald spot. I still have a bald spot, and that's
where my hair parts. That's the truth. They were
rough on my hair when I was growing up. You remember
when I dyed my hair? High school and granny made
me scrub it with Tide. Listen, we did that with
Aunt Jackie's hair in Kansas. Well, you knew
there was in trouble when there was no 1 -800
number on the box. The only woman that can move
to New Mexico and come back with a Minnesota
accent. Yeah. I'm like, you're in the wrong state
for that. Because Aunt Jackie, they lived in
Albuquerque. Albuquerque. And they came over.
And they invested us in Manhattan, Kansas, because
we were in the Army. And Jackie came over. Where
were the kids? The kids didn't come. Kids were
up by then. Uh -uh. I don't know. Maybe they
was with Betty. I don't know. But Jackie came
by herself because she wanted me to color her
hair. And I said, Jackie, just because my mom's
a hairdresser doesn't mean that I know anything
about hair. She goes, oh yeah you can do it it's
no problem so she sits down on my now we've just
been married not we've not even been married
three months she sits down on my brand new comforter
on my bed with that color on her hair and it
dripped and took the cup the bleach took the
color out of my new bedspread i like to have
lost my mind well then her hair came out the
color of that koozie i mean it was green and
I looked at her and I said, I told you. She said,
well, I knew we were in trouble when there wasn't
an 800 number on that box. I was like, now what
am I going to do? So, of course, you know, back
then there were no cell phones. This was in 81.
And I called mother in the middle of the week,
which, you know, that was forbidden. $10 a minute.
The phone bill for her calling about Thanksgiving
was more than the grocery bill for her cooking
Thanksgiving that year. It was. So anyway, I
called mom. Time difference. What do I do? Dad's
already in bed. It's after 9 o 'clock. Mom, I've
colored Aunt Jackie's hair and it's turned green.
Mother said, oh, Lord, have you got any tide?
I said, we don't need to do her laundry. I've
been doing her hair. And she said, no, you have
to wash your hair with tide. It will take the
color out. And I went, are you sure? Oh, that's
a bumblebee. No, it's not. It's a carpenter bee.
Go ahead. Anyway, so we washed her hair and tied,
scalded her scalp. Oh, it will flatten, scald
your scalp. But it did take the color out of
it. It did. Yeah, I took mine out. I dyed it
real dark. I thought I would be really gothic
one year, and I dyed it real dark brown. Not
black, real dark brown. And Granny literally
poured the blue tide in the orange bottle over
my head. You going to get a pop? I think he said
no. He said he might. I just make stuff up. I
can't hear. Do you want to go with him? I said
I make stuff up because I can't hear. I just
make up their answers. I think he said yes. I'm
going to the antique store to spend $5 ,000.
Mom taught me the best advice for marriage ever,
and I'm going to share it with you. Oh, God.
Never give an open -ended question. You give
a yes or no question. We're going out to eat.
It's always multiple choice, right? You never
give yes or no. It's always multiple choice.
That's what you told me. Not, do you want to
go out to eat? No. We're going out to eat. Do
you want to go to the Wigwam or Burger Barn?
Burger Barn. See, then it's their choice. You
just narrow the options. That way they feel like
they're in charge. Never a yes or no. Always
a multiple choice. Scarlett, however, is like,
we're doing this. Listen, this is the most nonchalant.
She lives up to every ounce of her name. Her
name is Scarlett O 'Hare. And didn't understand
what that meant until she was a little older.
I went with her 10 years ago when she got her
permit, and we were driving through town because
you have to have a grown -up in the car, and
I was the closest thing. So she had to go pick
up something at the pharmacy. I don't even remember
what it was. We're going through the drive -thru.
I thought you were going through McDonald's.
No, we were going through. We're getting mom's
medicine, pharmacy. I've always told it was McDonald's.
Well, you're telling it wrong. So we get in the
drive -thru, and the girl apparently recognized
Scarlett that was running the window. We're not
supposed to swing. It's my porch. No, but it
makes us sick. Oh, anyway. She goes, well, Scarlett,
here you go. She goes, have a great weekend.
And Scarlett goes, and the window just goes.
And I said, Scarlett, you could have said you
too. She said, I don't know her. I don't know
if I want her to have a good weekend or not.
And I was like, that was, no, John was in the
McDonald's drive -thru. Okay. We were on our
way to VBS, and he was four, three or four, he
was in the car seat. And, of course, McDonald's
food's never ready when you order it, so we had
to pull up. And my buddy, Matthew, brought out
our food. And his nickname says Matt, or his
name tag. And John's in the back seat, and I
can hear him. i'll be right back well remember
your mic's on are you going to the bathroom bad
so they brought us our food and we pull out and
john goes what a dumb name and i said what he
goes matata he's been sitting there the whole
time sounding out the nickname do you want to
come sit with me on the swing for a minute Oh,
she doesn't want to be on the camera. Scarlett's
like, no, I don't want to be on camera. But that's
where we all are, like, dotted. She's going to
move closer. She just doesn't want to be on camera.
So we can still talk. I'm putting this microphone
by you so you can be heard when you answer questions.
And then Mom can put it back on. She almost walked
to the bathroom. That would have been bad. It
just cracks me up. So, mom and I never hardly...
Okay, so here's a question for the people that
are watching. If mom were to do her own front
porch thing, not cigarette mom, now she'd be
front porch ponderings again, would y 'all watch
her? She's wanting to know. She's like, I want
to take him junking, and I want to, like, take
him into the attic and, like, purge stuff. And
I was like, I'll ask him. So, if you want Mama
Tammy to do Tammy's front porch ponderings, then...
make a comment or something because she's wanting
to start her own channel. I'm like, no, I've
created a monster. She said, Sean said I'm not
allowed to swing. I was like, you can't sit and
swing and not swing. But I'm on TV, so he's like,
don't do that. I'm like, man, he's in the bed,
so. He has no say. Jessica Dennis Mullins, you
better get up here. Do you have to work today?
Scarlett's here. Mom's here. I'm here. Aunt Lane
will come out. We've got tea. She just made a
pitcher last night. You could be up here by like
quarter till ten if you left right now. If you
go through town and if you feel like getting
me a pack of cigarettes, then let me know. I'll
pay you back when you get here. Now I'll have
Dad and Mom pick me up a pack when they go to
town for a pop. That's what Mom and Dad do. They
get up every day and they go to town for a pop.
And me and Sean made fun of that for a long time
until we realized that's a lot of fun. Because
you go sit on the hill and have breakfast and
watch people have fender benders down in front
of McDonald's because they're stupid. It's the
best entertainment that you can have in a little
town. So now in West Virginia, me and Sean will
get up. And we usually about once every day or
so, we'll go to Sheetz. And he gets a Monster.
And I get usually a Propel. And we'll get a pack
of cigarettes. And he's like, your mom and dad
go to town every single day. And I'm like.