Oh, man. You know what we forgot, Mom? The theme
song. They won't even know what we're doing unless
I play the theme song. Sarah, that's a rookie
mistake. Shall I whistle it? You don't even know
the theme song. Do you know the... Do you know
the theme song? Grab your Bible and grab your
smokes News and weather, music and jokes See
on the porch in my favorite house coat It's the
Sarah Beth Terry Show She's a feral Christian
out in the wild the cigarette mom with a queen
bee style talking or singing about somebody you
know Good morning We're live from Kentucky on
the porch. This is the OG porch. We moved it
now. You can't hardly see mom. Oh, I'm okay.
Listen, I'm leaning up because my ashtray's up
here. And I know it's on that flattering angle,
but this is how you sit on the porch swing. So
this is the OG porch. This is the first place
I ever wrote a song. What does OG mean? The original.
Oh. Original gangster porch. Oh. This is where
it started. Thank you, darling. So this is my
mother. This is my mom. This is Tammy. This is
the queen mother. Now, 20 years ago, she had
the cigarette and I didn't. So now we've switched.
I quit when Marlboro's went from $5 a pack to
$5 .25 a pack. And now they're $10 .89. I wish
they were. Menthols are $12 .75 a pack. That's
a car payment. No, I don't pay it. That's my
ex -husband's job. I wouldn't know. Good morning,
good morning. Hello, Michael. I don't have my
glasses on, so I can't read any of the comments.
Well, I'll tell you what they're saying. Molly
said, hey, Mama. Anna said, we're gangsters.
Yeah, we are. Christy said, hi, Mama Tammy. That's
not what you called me last night. I called her
a bendejo in front of the Spanish -speaking roofers,
and they all went, hee -hee -hee -hee -hee, and
they just walked away. And I said, hi, Mama.
Mama's too loco. Mamacito. Mamacito. Mamacito
is in Bandejo. And listen, they laugh so hard
because dad goes, you took Spanish culture and
talked to him. I've only been out of high school
for 25 years. So I walked outside and left. And
in the dark last night, they were putting on
part of my roof and I got so tickled. I was wanting
to go out there and hold the flashlight. Dad
did. They didn't leave here until 10 o 'clock.
Oh, I know. We had to talk. Dad said, say something
to him. I remember I said, buenas tardes. And
they went. What's that mean? Good afternoon.
And they went, buenas tardes. I said, que pasa?
And they said, nada. I said, pues bastante bien.
And they said, what'd you say? I said, good afternoon.
What's up? And they said, nothing. And I said,
well, that's pretty good. Thank goodness that
I am, because they sound so good. Seven years
of Spanish. Dylan's favorite Harry Potter spell
is, lavate las manos, which means wash your hands.
Oh, it was more beans, please. He goes, cuidado,
piso mojado, which means caution. This floor
is wet. We have selective Spanish. I have to
get my wand. I'm sorry. I coughed right into
this. It's all right. I do it all the time. Did
you know that I have not once been in a foreign
-speaking country and asked where the library
is? Why do they always say, like, where's the
library? Most people don't know where it's at.
I could ask you in English, and you wouldn't
know where the library is. I know where it used
to be. Hi, ladies. How wild, Bill. Good to see
you this morning. Hello, Dinesha. Hello, Teresa.
I feel like... That lady that used to be on Romper
Room, she would pick up a mirror that didn't
have the mirror in it, and she would go, Hi,
Patty, and Debbie, and there's Molly. It's like
I was on the porch. She was Romper Room. That's
kind of what we have on the porch. It was in
black and white. It was. Now we know. This is
not my outfit choice that I would normally wear,
but I'm cleaning it up. And then we would sing
that song. Bend and stretch, reach for the sky.
This is before my time. No, yeah. Reach for the
sky. Now reach for the stars. There goes Jupiter,
here comes Mars. And that was our morning exercise.
Bend and stretch. You know what song I remember
from my childhood? My baloney has a first name.
It's O -S -C -A -R. My baloney has a second name.
It's M -A -Y -E -R. I love to eat it every day.
And if you ask me why, I'll say it's Oscar Mayer
has a way with B -O -L -O -G -N -A. No, you want
to know the one I like? The one I like says,
ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem,
ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, Hot
dogs, armor hot dogs. What kind of kids eat armor
hot dogs? Now, you couldn't sing this now. Fat
kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks. Tough
kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs. Armor hot dogs. The dogs' kids
love to bite. Yeah. My favoritest probably is
Barney. Did you know they had to stop doing that?
Because it's racist as hell? Me and Sean figured
out we're the last generation to have racist
parents. No, we're not. Yeah, our generation
started introducing DEI. It's like, well, somebody's
going to have to write down all these slurs in
the family Bible or all those words are going
to get lost to history. They don't even know
what a WAP is. Did you know that in the front
cover of my Bible is the list of the songs I
won't play at my memorial service, just in case
you ever want to know? Did you know in the inside
of my Bible is the list of all the books of the
Bible? And they're separated into old and new.
Listen, while we're out here this morning, whoever
put the trash out here on the end of our property,
get out there and get it up. Cause, I'll tell
you why. We're fixing to go down there and take
the trail cam down and find out who's driving
the black Subaru. So... If I were you, get in
your black Subaru and drive down the road and
pick up your trash. Because did you know in the
state of Kentucky there's a $5 ,000 fine for
littering? Did you know that if you call 8114,
you dig? We don't even have to call a coroner.
If you drink a lot of L .A., you'll get kidney
stones? Not if you get on that vibrating plate
that's at the Planet Fitness. I should have had
that before I went to Arizona. It's done shook
the sail out of the back of my eggs. It looked
like nickels. Now it just looks like pennies.
Listen, there's enough trash on Sandhills that
you add into it. So get up here and get your
trash. Get up here and get your trash. Because
let me tell you something. If my mom and dad
could figure out who's eating the banana between
Rockaway Road and Patton Toy Leslie's Curve within
six months, we figured that out. Banana gate.
Somebody goes, it's me. I'm sorry. I'm like,
well, quit littering. Bananas are so water -soluble.
What if Mario came around that curve? We wrecked
in that curve. That's the only car wreck I've
ever had. And I 100 % think if they had been
eating that banana at the time, that would have
been to blame for the reason we had a car wreck
in that curve. I saw Mario Kart. You're crazy.
It's a June bug. I'm coming from your line. That
apple didn't even fall. Hey, that's your dad's
bunch. His bunch was moonshine. His bunch was
corn. You know yourself, we don't have a sense
of humor. It's not genetically transferred. We
don't even know how I got it. Because Arlene
does not have one. What? Like she's got Facebook
beef and cake on tail on me again? Shut up. I
don't care. Anyway, so Arlene called the other
day and woke me up out of a nap and told you
all this. And she said, where's the bush hog?
She's 87. I said, you doing a little farming?
She goes, I might tie it around my neck and go
for a walk. And I was like, why don't you just
sit down and have a glass of tea? You need to
sit down. You want to know what my shirt means
by that's biblical? Because everything is, and
here's why. When Elijah said, I'm done, Lord,
and laid under a broom tree and said, just kill
me. I hate this. Take me home. You know what
he said? He said, I think that your blood sugar's
a little low and you might need a nap. That's
biblical. If he'd have had some of them E .L.
Fudge chocolate breakfast sandwiches shaped in
the Keebler L. Dad looked at me then. He said,
that's two protein shakes that you've had. I
went, sometimes you can have more than one protein
a day. He goes, you can't be drinking all your
protein. And I was like. He would know since
he discovered Planet Fitness. I love my dad so
much. He's like, you know what? None of my business.
And I'm like, I love you so much, but I have
to have 150 grams of protein. And I only had
60. You have to do math to lose weight. That's
why I'm fat. See, I'm not doing calories, though.
That's what makes you depressed. I count protein
because the more protein you have, the better.
So I know. But there you go. You got to count.
It's just like that T -shirt says. And then Satan
said. Let's add the alphabet to math. Speaking
of the devil, I thought about something today.
About how everything is basically... Are we on
a time limit? No. Demonic in our culture. You
know, Starbucks, it's a siren. You know, trick
or treat, demonic, whatever. And I got to think
about that. I was like, the devil's not trying
to get you to deny God. He don't care if you
don't believe in God. He wants you to defy God.
Think about every time he tempted somebody in
the Bible. He was like, he didn't look at Eve
and go, that dude's not real. He was like, is
that what he really said, though? You see what
I'm saying? He wants you to defy God, not to
deny God. That's why you have to be on alert
with your discernment. It's way too early to
discuss. It's never too early to talk about Jesus.
I didn't say anything about Jesus. I'm just saying.
We was talking about his best seller. Don't what?
Okay, quit blowing the smoke in my face. I'm
always blowing the smoke from a cigarette, not
from the scripture. Oh, now we know why Maggie's
dirty. She's digging a hole for whoever's dumping
trash down here. She's like, I'm on it. I mean,
really, who just drives down the road with three
power wheels in the back of their car and says,
you know what? This looks like a good spot. I
think I'll just put them out right here. Oh,
and by the way, I've got a bicycle. I'll tell
you what else. It just burns me up. It burns
me up. Trash up your own place. You know me.
I won't even ride down the road and throw out
a toothpick. She won't. I mean. Basic common
courtesy. I guess because when I was growing
up, that Indian was on TV. And he was a pretty
Indian. A Native American. There you go. An indigenous
person. Native American. And he was standing
there on the side of the road, and a car drives
by and throws up trash and hits him. And this
big old teardrop rolls down his face, and it
was like one of those Smokey the Bear commercials.
It was like, only you can save America, you know.
I just remember give a hoot, don't pollute with
the owl. Yes, but this was before the owl. This
was the... beautiful native american man that
stood there and the cars drove by and threw out
trash and hit him and and this big tear how they
got him to do that right on cue here it comes
and so sad it's just not do not let her don't
do it they're cracking up because they're like
i remember that hayley is still she's watching
from bali this morning That's in Indonesia. There's
a song. Istanbul. Istanbul, not Constantinople.
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople. Do you
ever watch the dramatic readings of lyrics? Istanbul
was once Constantinople, but now it's Istanbul,
not Constantinople. We could actually do that
with Iran and Persia. And he's to be Canaan now.
I think we had a song like that in Vacation Bible
School. So let's just praise the Lord. Father
Abraham. Father Abraham had many sons. Many sons
had Father Abraham. And I am one of them. And
so are you. So let's just praise the Lord. Right
arm, left arm, right leg, left leg, and the head.
Turn around, sit down. Chris calls applesauce.
Darlene McCoy Tuttle said, I could sit all day
and listen to you two. Thank you. Send money.
For just 15 cents a day. You could sponsor our
very expensive pond rings. Pickers Hall. You've
got your arm up like the Statue of Liberty in
this picture. It's a version of Dolly and John
the Baptist and Sarah Beth all at once. John
the Baptist. You look like a John the Baptist.
Maggie, your face is so dirty. So this is my
mom. And she's the reason that I am. No, he didn't
push me out. I didn't push you out. And how many
wives had Father Abraham? Dose. Three if you
counted the Hagar, but she was side piece. Now
listen, Hagar really wasn't, that was his concubine.
It wasn't his concubine, it was Sarah's maidservant.
It wasn't even his concubine. Because she couldn't
have a baby, she forced God's promise and made
him lay with Hagar. I know the story. And then,
they went out in the desert, and that's where
the, oh. Never mind. Have to wait for Bible study.
We're getting our reels confused. Wasn't Medea
said, my favorite Bible story is when Jonas fell
up by the big, big, big, big fish. And then he
couldn't go to the island of the real boys. And
then. Shadrach and the billy goat. He got spit
out. And that's when Dumbledore said, you're
a wizard, Harry. Something like that. It's paraphrased,
but it's real close. And in the book of its exclamations.
Exclamations. I have the book of first parentheses.
He just swore it. I think Keith wrote that book.
He wrote the book of consumption. Oh, that's
right. That's right. And Deuteronomy. Or was
it conception? No, it was conception. No, Keith
didn't write the book of conception. No. Let's
see what's immaculate. Which, knowing Keith,
it would have been. It would have been spick
and span. You know he's an accidental Nazarene.
I know. He stood up in the middle of the invitation
instead of at the ending prayer, and he accidentally
had to give his life to Christ. No. No. He said
somebody down the row was wanting to get out
and do the altar call, so he stepped out in the
aisle to let them get out because there wasn't
enough room. And they said, Brother Keith is
coming forward. He said, so I just had to go
with the flow. I became an accidental Nazarene.
I'm an accidental Nazarene. How's Dylan doing?
He's doing good. My brother? Your other child.
The one you have no pictures of on the Donald
Trump table. Dylan's like, two pictures of Donald
J. Trump. None of Dylan. Lead the free world
and then we'll put your picture on the table.
Win the election three times. Shut up. What are
you doing to make America great again, Dylan?
What are you doing? When that big forest fire
was in Louisiana a couple years ago, my brother
was in the Army band in Louisiana. Mom goes,
should you go help? He goes, what? She goes,
what if they deploy you? He goes, what am I going
to do? We sit at my drum set, run up there and
go, we didn't start this fire. It was always
burning. He's like, if you bring in the drum,
we're game over. We're like, and here comes the
big one. Like, it's the burning of Atlanta. It's
like, if they call me in, we're screwed. We have
no hope. Listen. There's always a drum rip battle.
Well, there's that guy in the picture. He's always
right out there with the guy playing the flute.
Why is there a flute? You think of all the instruments
together. Whatever. Could you imagine? Calling
to attention. I play the piccolo. Playing the
five. The what? It goes. You know, this song
goes like this. Wrong war. That's not it. Wrong
war. If I was calling people to arms, I think
I'd have like a sousaphone. Like the Hebrews
got it right. They got with a big horn. Us, we're
like, shh, shh, shh. We're fixing to charge.
Hello. Hit that drum. You have to listen back.
You have to listen back. You're out of step.
Get in line. You have to count for the hash mark.
Who stopped the flag? Damn it, Daniel. Joey.
Sean, get out of the middle of Main Street. Sean
Richardson, the first year he was in a parade,
they gave him a bass drum that was bigger than
him, and he couldn't see over it, so he's just
bouncing along Broadway, and then he hit a pothole,
and all of a sudden we're hearing... and also
we hear we're like and sean's just end over end
rolling over that bass drum down broadway and
i was like that was so funny then we couldn't
make the corner all of us got bunched up there
at witt's beauty shop and we're like cut the
corner and we're all like wow my god like don't
put Don't put pit in parades. We don't know how
to march. Pivot. Why did they think that because
Leanne Harrison and Daniel Kelly can play the
telephone that they could march a sign? We don't
march. They should have put us on the golf cart
throwing candy. Y 'all are just lucky. Do you
know what our girls had to do that carried the
banner? They had to wear little tiny shorts.
And pantyhose. Like a Hooters girl. And go -go
boots. There's Michelle Blackwell. You just described
Ella Langley's entire concert outfit. Alicia
King. And they looked good. They looked good.
And they had a beautiful banner. And they had
a scarf tie, a royal blue scarf tied around their
neck. I'm telling you, we was. We was good looking
back then. I had on a big white furry hat. I
couldn't march and play. You were also in the
British Roaring Guard, apparently. Well, it's
so funny. It was hotter than before the July.
Them white shoes. See, y 'all had it lucky. You
got to wear black shoes. Oh, no. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. Y 'all, nothing. I had to
white shoe it up for four years. Oh, that's right,
because Brandon Campbell painted on the bottom
of his that said, Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom. But every
time he would play, Devin went down to Georgia
while he was polishing his white shoes, and that's
when him and Jessica would sit together, and
he would just splash, and she got branded. Branded.
And it was just like little peppers of white
shoe polish all over her face, because he's going,
da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da, and she's
going, branded. Brandon, stop that. Brandon.
And it was just like she's just peppered with
whiteout, you know. But, oh, marching band was
hoot. Now, last night we were putting stuff in
the fire pit, and Sean threw something in, and
it missed. And Mom said, did you play ball, play
sports? He goes, I did. She goes, I also was
in sports. I was a cheerleader. And I went, and
the band at the same time. A cheerleader cheers
for other sports. Cheerleaders cheer for people
who are playing sports. I cheered the game, and
then at halftime, I ran up into the bleachers
and helped play the songs at halftime, and then
I ran back down and cheered. But I only cheered
two years. Because after that, they went to gymnastics.
And I quit band in my junior year because I didn't
like the new band director. Were you just running
with hoodlums at that point? I was. I was a hoodlum.
Mom was running with some bad people and didn't
even know it. I was. No, I was running with good
people. Did you show them your bracelet, Cora?
Your WWJD bracelet? Did you wear your Sunday
school attendance? All I'm saying is I'm just
so thankful to the Lord that there was not social
media when I was growing up in the 70s. Or the
90s. Or Beth in the 80s. Oh, she would have had
her own TMZ show. Shut up. I wasn't being mean.
I'm just saying she was well -connected. She
had good hair, though. She wore more necklaces
than Amling, though. No, she didn't. Okay, get
off my sister. No, leave it alone, Sarah. Anyway,
Ross Gill, get off my sister. You know, that
always takes me back. You can quote. Casualty.
Anyway, continue. I can quote what? You could
quote every line from Friends, and then I'd look
at you and your brother. I'd go, now quote Scripture.
And then you'd always pull that one. Jesus wept.
Genesis 1 -1, in the beginning. I can quote the
end. All God's people said amen. Amen. I told
you I could sum up all the epistles with one
sentence. You ready? Paul says, Greetings to
the church and wherever, to whomever this may
concern. Dos, we thank God every time we think
about y 'all. Three, keep holding to faith. Good
job. Four, quit being stupid. Or I'm going to
write another letter. Five. And tell them women
I said shut up. And then number five, Timothy
says hi. And bring my coat. And bring my coat.
Do not think of me in my chains. You know, I
will never forget that. Jamie Neal preached that
Sunday. when he was a preacher and and he preached
on timothy and paul told timothy paul wrote timothy
and said look bring me my coat when you come
bring my coat but also bring my cloak and i'm
like zorro he's gonna do magic Now you see Jesus.
Now you don't. But I always remembered that from
his sermon. Just like I remember this one guy
that preached. And he talked about the huge banquets
that they would have back in the biblical times.
The festivals. They were talking about Solomon.
Yes, he was at the big banquet with all the people
that were going to. And the peafowls. Went down
the table and pulled a little buggy that had
food in it. A peafowl actually went up and down
the table. I've never read that in the Bible.
Well, evidently Mike Petty had. No, yeah, Mike
Petty. That's who it was. I've been to a lot
of preachers. Did your mom know a Margie Newman?
Newman. Margie Newman. I have to go get my yearbook.
You know, Anlin gets the phone book out, and
then she'll get the obituaries out, and she'll
just mark through whoever's dead. That's smart.
She's like, I'm just updating the phone book.
I want to know who called me this morning at
733 -859 -302 -something else. I jumped out of
that shed. With social security number 409 -766
-5555. At the dedication of the temple. Camille
knew it. Thank you. The peafowls. Those are peacocks.
In case people don't know what peafowls are,
those are peacocks. Well, now, wait a minute.
I thought peafowls were the little bitty ones.
The peacocks were the big ones. No. Peacocks
are the boys. Peahens are the girls. They're
collectively known as peafowls. That's collectively.
Listen, I'm going to tell you something about
fowls. When I was going to school, there was
this family out the road. And they were nice
people, don't get me wrong, but they had guineas.
The worst birds ever. I drove a 67 Chevy Impala
two -door with a 327. And I would, oh, I've been
late my whole life. My dad said I'd be late for
my own funeral, and I am going to rig that. We're
going to have it two weeks after she dies. No,
we're supposed to start at two. We're actually
going to start at four. It's actually not going
to happen until four. And I'd fly. Around Sand
Hill, and I'd get right there in front of Billy
Broaddus' house, and there'd be them stupid guineas
in the road. Little did I know, you can't run
over them things. So I would park the car and
get out and get the, you know, like you do the
turbo. You can, but it poofs like a pillow out
of pillow fight. No, they run. No, I've seen
one get hit at Jeff Farthing's house once. Well,
listen, I tried very hard to hit them. And you
cannot hit them. And so finally, I just gave
up. I'd round that curve, and I would blast through
them guineas. The guineas was everywhere. Can't
stand them little guineas, somebody said. John
had a guinea. Oh, Bonnie Allen's watching this
morning. Mom saw Dr. John. How's the salsa going?
He was making salsa. Did you know the other day
at the tractor supply they had a candle that
said heirloom tomato? And I was like, why? Why,
why, why, why? Would you want your house to smell
like that? What are you doing? Sean thinks that
your loving husband thinks that we had the wrong
angle. I told him we did. See, that's my good
side. God fixed it. I'm in my working clothes.
The only thing we're missing is Jen Collins down
there hollering at us. Oh, I love Jen. Who to?
Did you know the bishops or the Cheneys or the
Fots? Know them all. Everyone will probably can
tell. Salsa is done. Well, then we expect a jar
so we can do a lot about how good it is. Tom.
Tom's just having a time today. He's having itchy
issues. It's where that one bit him and he's
scratching the scab. Oh, wait. Now Winona's doing
it. Well, probably. The quail are the same way
out here. I would like to have some quail out
here. I want some bobwhites. Same thing. No,
it's not. Is it? Yes. There's Cornix quail, there's
bobwhite quail, and then there's standard quail.
Thank you. God, how come you think you know everything
just because you went to college and I didn't?
Well, I started it, but I have birds. I know
birds. My chicken tender, I had to take the turkey
back to her house and put it in the sugar glider
cage last night because the mamas have rejected
it. I've told you to stop telling me the sad
things about your animals. That's not sad. It
is. When you have to take an animal and put it
in a bird cage, I don't want to know about it.
There are birds. Well, we've been sitting here
for 15 minutes and I've not seen a black Subaru
yet. You better get your ass up here and pick
up this mess. It's my channel. I can't help it.
You can't wear this and talk ugly. That word's
in the Bible. Okay, Dad says wrap it up. Dad
says wrap it up. Dad says get to the collars.
Because we've got to go to Richmond and get something.
So Papa Corky, Bubbo. Papa Corky. Bubbo. You
know, Maverick calls him Popo. But Magnolia,
being the little Louisiana coon. There's that
word. Tail. Ass. Says Bubbo. Bubbo. So Bubbo
Corky says wrap it up. It still says you're watching,
though. I am. It's live. Oh, my goodness. Well,
that means that we have to get on the road, but
I wanted you to meet Mother. Oh, and get looking
forward to it. She's also going to do an updated
tiny trinket tour because she has changed the
things on top of the kitchen cabinet. And listen,
I bought two new shadow boxes and went to the
attic the other day, and guess what I found?
Found two more? You can shop in your own attic
and probably save a lot of money. I bet something
else fun is going to Dusty's neck of the woods.
Why don't we just call Dusty and get all your
stuff, and then you can look through it on his
table. I did. He come and got some of my stuff.
Well, that's good. Oh, Dusty Stevenson. Yes.
Yes, I love him. Oh, listen. He's got three of
the greatest booths. And listen, I love that
Picker's Paradise down here, too. And oh, wait,
wait. Let's throw a plug in. Blessed Treasures
in Ravenna, Kentucky, run by Peggy Turpin. It's
great. Daddy. And Blue Magnolia on Main Street.
Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Bonnie Allen said hello.
Who? Bonnie Allen. Bonnie Peterson. Oh. And you
had to call her by her married name. And Jessica
Nunley said hello. Just wanted you to know. They
said, hey, Corky. Okay, we got to go. We got
to get. Do we have to sing the closing song?
No, I have to do the sign off. It's this time,
we had this time. So glad we had this time together.
I like you for you. No, no. It's you I like.
It's not the clothes you wear. It's not the things
you do or say. But it's you I like. Anyway. Y
'all keep your bibles up in your pad or dry your
hair in the hospital because people are crazy.
And they're dumping trash on St. Tim. Quit dumping
trash. And also, be nice to all people, animals,
and children. Try to love your neighbor if you
can't give it to God. In the meantime, Tom, stop
keeping a beat. Give me a beat. Thumper over
there. So, I love you. I mean it. We'll catch
up with you here in a little bit. We'll do another
live. What year is it? Anyway, so I love you.
Remember, guys, that's Tammy. I'm Sarah Beth
Terry. And you're not. Bye.