WEBVTT 00:00:09.849 --> 00:00:12.470 In this episode, we're doing something a little 00:00:12.470 --> 00:00:15.669 different. We're going looking for the spaces 00:00:15.669 --> 00:00:18.530 that used to hold us, the circles that used to 00:00:18.530 --> 00:00:21.050 gather us, the wisdom that used to guide us. 00:00:21.269 --> 00:00:24.250 Because something sacred has been lost in modern 00:00:24.250 --> 00:00:27.390 motherhood. Not the love, not the devotion, but 00:00:27.390 --> 00:00:30.019 the togetherness. You feel it, don't you? The 00:00:30.019 --> 00:00:32.520 ache for something older than the schedules and 00:00:32.520 --> 00:00:35.380 solo bedtime routines. The hunger for friendship 00:00:35.380 --> 00:00:38.280 that isn't just built around shared pickup times 00:00:38.280 --> 00:00:42.100 or Instagram DMs. Motherhood today, for many, 00:00:42.340 --> 00:00:44.880 it feels like an endless to -do list performed 00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:48.119 in isolation. But it wasn't always this way. 00:00:48.579 --> 00:00:51.719 Before it was commodified, medicalized, monetized, 00:00:51.719 --> 00:00:55.140 and so deeply individualized, motherhood was 00:00:55.140 --> 00:00:58.450 communal. It was women gathering in tents. It 00:00:58.450 --> 00:01:00.810 was synchronized cycles and shared midwives. 00:01:01.090 --> 00:01:03.409 It was the grandmother who rocked your baby while 00:01:03.409 --> 00:01:06.250 your sister boiled water. It was long meals, 00:01:06.430 --> 00:01:09.989 long labors, long nights, long lives lived together. 00:01:10.530 --> 00:01:14.090 And yes, it was messy, imperfect, sometimes painful, 00:01:14.310 --> 00:01:17.590 but it was together. And so on this episode, 00:01:17.650 --> 00:01:20.769 we're going back to the tent, to the circle, 00:01:20.909 --> 00:01:23.569 to the village that raised not just children, 00:01:23.730 --> 00:01:27.099 but mothers. And then we're asking the question, 00:01:27.340 --> 00:01:34.019 how do we rebuild it? Motherhood is history's 00:01:34.019 --> 00:01:37.799 greatest untold story. It's built empires, fueled 00:01:37.799 --> 00:01:40.439 revolutions, and pushed the boundaries of science. 00:01:40.760 --> 00:01:44.579 And yet, because it happens in quiet rooms, behind 00:01:44.579 --> 00:01:47.000 closed doors, it's been left out of the grand 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:50.680 narrative. But make no mistake, motherhood is 00:01:50.680 --> 00:01:54.500 not just tenderness. It's raw, unrelenting, a 00:01:54.500 --> 00:01:57.260 force that tears you apart and remakes you over 00:01:57.260 --> 00:02:01.599 and over again. It's blood, bone, love, and sheer 00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:06.819 will. This isn't a story about sacrifice. It's 00:02:06.819 --> 00:02:09.580 a story about power, about what it means to become 00:02:09.580 --> 00:02:12.460 a mother and what it means to never stop becoming. 00:02:12.900 --> 00:02:45.389 This is Bloodline and Backbone. Before there 00:02:45.389 --> 00:02:47.710 were hospitals or strollers, before parenting 00:02:47.710 --> 00:02:50.550 books and Pinterest boards, There was a tent, 00:02:50.789 --> 00:02:54.430 a circle of women, bleeding, birthing, nursing, 00:02:54.810 --> 00:02:57.310 weeping, laughing too loud, telling the truth, 00:02:57.409 --> 00:03:00.189 doing life in proximity with each other. For 00:03:00.189 --> 00:03:02.830 thousands of years, motherhood wasn't a solo 00:03:02.830 --> 00:03:06.310 act. It was a shared one, a sisterhood. And maybe 00:03:06.310 --> 00:03:13.330 it still could be. I got my first period in sixth 00:03:13.330 --> 00:03:16.500 grade, at school. in khaki pants. I remember 00:03:16.500 --> 00:03:18.620 the moment like it's seared into my bloodstream 00:03:18.620 --> 00:03:21.620 because, well, it kind of was. I remember the 00:03:21.620 --> 00:03:24.620 moment so clearly, standing in the bathroom stall, 00:03:24.879 --> 00:03:27.639 staring at the stain and realizing with panic, 00:03:27.800 --> 00:03:30.879 this is happening now, no warning, no tampon, 00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:34.340 no guidebook. So I did what girls do. I tied 00:03:34.340 --> 00:03:36.900 my sweatshirt around my waist, avoided eye contact 00:03:36.900 --> 00:03:39.180 and prayed for the earth to open up and swallow 00:03:39.180 --> 00:03:43.060 me whole. 30 years later. And I still occasionally 00:03:43.060 --> 00:03:44.979 find myself having to tie a sweatshirt around 00:03:44.979 --> 00:03:47.479 my waist, like a few months ago when I bled through 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:50.069 my jeans on an airplane. It was an early morning 00:03:50.069 --> 00:03:52.069 flight, and I didn't realize how heavy my flow 00:03:52.069 --> 00:03:54.770 was going to be that day. So I used a light tampon, 00:03:54.789 --> 00:03:57.789 knowing I could upgrade later if needed. We encountered 00:03:57.789 --> 00:04:00.050 unexpected turbulence on the flight, forcing 00:04:00.050 --> 00:04:02.050 the pilot to leave the seatbelt sign on for the 00:04:02.050 --> 00:04:04.629 entire trip. And this would normally be no big 00:04:04.629 --> 00:04:07.030 deal. But about halfway through the flight, I 00:04:07.030 --> 00:04:09.849 could feel that the protection I chose that morning 00:04:09.849 --> 00:04:13.409 was vastly underperforming. And we've all experienced 00:04:13.409 --> 00:04:15.830 that moment when you know for a fact that you 00:04:15.830 --> 00:04:18.199 have to make a plan. Because you've got a situation 00:04:18.199 --> 00:04:21.180 on your hands. And here's what I knew for a fact 00:04:21.180 --> 00:04:23.959 while sitting in seat 8C. I have definitely bled 00:04:23.959 --> 00:04:25.660 through my pants and it's not just a little. 00:04:26.120 --> 00:04:28.500 I probably look like I have been free bleeding. 00:04:28.680 --> 00:04:30.899 Do you know about this trend? It's wild. And 00:04:30.899 --> 00:04:32.899 I do not have a sweatshirt or anything else I 00:04:32.899 --> 00:04:35.480 could wrap around my waist. The plane lands and 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:37.959 people begin to deboard and I am sitting in the 00:04:37.959 --> 00:04:39.899 aisle seat. And so I can't just sit there and 00:04:39.899 --> 00:04:42.180 wait for everyone to get off. And so I stand 00:04:42.180 --> 00:04:44.519 up and look down at the seat to assess the situation 00:04:44.519 --> 00:04:47.290 and there is blood. everywhere, not just on my 00:04:47.290 --> 00:04:49.370 pants, but literally soaking through the seat. 00:04:49.569 --> 00:04:52.629 There's no hiding it. We're talking worst case 00:04:52.629 --> 00:04:55.490 scenario. And at this point, I'm trying to figure 00:04:55.490 --> 00:04:57.290 out whether to tell a flight attendant and offer 00:04:57.290 --> 00:04:59.930 to clean it up. I'm wondering what is the right 00:04:59.930 --> 00:05:02.810 thing to do in this situation? The passengers 00:05:02.810 --> 00:05:05.930 in seat AA and AB next to me are going to have 00:05:05.930 --> 00:05:08.310 to shuffle over my bloody seat to get off this 00:05:08.310 --> 00:05:11.449 plane. And people are now waiting for me to move. 00:05:11.569 --> 00:05:13.529 So I grab my bag, don't say anything, and practically 00:05:13.529 --> 00:05:16.300 run to the women's restroom in the airport. Thank 00:05:16.300 --> 00:05:19.519 God I had an extra pair of pants in my bag. I 00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:21.259 was debriefing this event with my friend and 00:05:21.259 --> 00:05:23.079 coworker, Kelly, later that morning, and she 00:05:23.079 --> 00:05:25.220 said something that stuck with me. She said that 00:05:25.220 --> 00:05:27.240 when things like that happen to her, her first 00:05:27.240 --> 00:05:29.560 response is usually to shame herself and ask, 00:05:29.660 --> 00:05:34.079 why am I so flawed? Instead of asking, why are 00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:37.160 the products I'm using flawed? So interesting 00:05:37.160 --> 00:05:39.759 that bleeding is a natural, normal thing that 00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:42.000 literally is part of the continuation of the 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:44.959 human race, but it's still embarrassing when 00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:47.160 we aren't in control of it. We're supposed to 00:05:47.160 --> 00:05:48.920 operate like nothing's happening, even though 00:05:48.920 --> 00:05:51.639 a lot is actually happening behind the scenes 00:05:51.639 --> 00:05:54.800 with our bodies. It's crazy really how we women 00:05:54.800 --> 00:05:57.060 bleed every month for most of our lives, but 00:05:57.060 --> 00:05:59.600 the nature of it is so wild and unpredictable 00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:02.839 that it still demands our respect and attention. 00:06:03.740 --> 00:06:06.040 I'd like to think I'm a fairly evolved woman, 00:06:06.220 --> 00:06:08.660 pretty responsible and in tune with my body. 00:06:08.759 --> 00:06:10.660 And then look how I was surprised on the plane 00:06:10.660 --> 00:06:14.360 that day. It makes sense though. The female endocrine 00:06:14.360 --> 00:06:16.639 system is literally responsible for continuing 00:06:16.639 --> 00:06:18.980 the human race. So it deserves to dictate our 00:06:18.980 --> 00:06:21.639 day every now and then. See, our entire life 00:06:21.639 --> 00:06:25.019 happens in our body. And despite all the odd, 00:06:25.079 --> 00:06:27.699 embarrassing, ecstatic, messy, beautiful things, 00:06:27.860 --> 00:06:32.399 this body is exactly where we want to be. And 00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:34.500 yet we women are presented with endless opportunities 00:06:34.500 --> 00:06:37.980 to question our bodies. In fact, we're conditioned 00:06:37.980 --> 00:06:41.399 to do so. And it starts early on when we get 00:06:41.399 --> 00:06:45.480 surprised by how impactful our period is. And 00:06:45.480 --> 00:06:48.379 I know for a fact I'm not alone in any of these 00:06:48.379 --> 00:06:50.660 experiences. Ask any woman and she'll have a 00:06:50.660 --> 00:06:53.519 similar story. The whispers in the hallway or 00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:55.959 mouthed across the classroom, do you have a tampon? 00:06:56.060 --> 00:06:59.029 Can you check my pants? Is it bad? We're taught 00:06:59.029 --> 00:07:03.189 early on to hide it, handle it, move on. But 00:07:03.189 --> 00:07:06.029 what if there was another way? What if that moment 00:07:06.029 --> 00:07:09.110 wasn't something to shrink from, but to be gathered 00:07:09.110 --> 00:07:14.819 into? Enter the red tent. In 1997, author Anita 00:07:14.819 --> 00:07:17.959 Diamond imagined just that in her novel, The 00:07:17.959 --> 00:07:20.319 Red Tent. She took a verse from the book of Genesis, 00:07:20.519 --> 00:07:22.680 a verse that mentions women gathering together 00:07:22.680 --> 00:07:25.399 during their cycles and spun it into a powerful 00:07:25.399 --> 00:07:28.000 vision, a tent where women withdrew together 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:30.720 during menstruation and birth, not to be shunned, 00:07:30.720 --> 00:07:34.060 but to be supported, to rest, to be fed, to tell 00:07:34.060 --> 00:07:37.699 stories, and to remember that it is blood that 00:07:37.699 --> 00:07:40.610 creates life. The red tent has become a symbol, 00:07:40.649 --> 00:07:44.009 a picture of what was and maybe what still could 00:07:44.009 --> 00:07:47.189 be. Across cultures and centuries, variations 00:07:47.189 --> 00:07:50.209 of this idea have existed. Native American moon 00:07:50.209 --> 00:07:53.509 lodges, Hindu and Nepalese purification huts, 00:07:53.509 --> 00:07:56.610 confinement rituals in China. Some were oppressive, 00:07:56.790 --> 00:08:00.050 some were empowering, but all of them in some 00:08:00.050 --> 00:08:02.990 form acknowledged this truth. Women's bodies 00:08:02.990 --> 00:08:07.779 move in cycles and cycles need support. Here's 00:08:07.779 --> 00:08:10.319 Anita Diamond, the accidental creator of this 00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:14.680 national red tent movement. Why is this so powerful 00:08:14.680 --> 00:08:17.949 still? I think there are a few reasons, several 00:08:17.949 --> 00:08:20.769 of them. One of them is that it gives voice to 00:08:20.769 --> 00:08:24.290 women in the Bible. The mother -daughter relationships 00:08:24.290 --> 00:08:27.189 are interesting to them, the dynamics between 00:08:27.189 --> 00:08:31.250 women as friends. One woman wrote to me, she 00:08:31.250 --> 00:08:33.490 said, after I read The Red Tent, I decided I 00:08:33.490 --> 00:08:35.629 was going to follow my passion and become an 00:08:35.629 --> 00:08:38.110 artisanal baker. Sounds funny, but I think that 00:08:38.110 --> 00:08:40.850 because the book honors the work of women's hands, 00:08:40.970 --> 00:08:44.309 which is bread and weaving and taking care of 00:08:44.309 --> 00:08:46.820 children, with real reverence for that work, 00:08:46.940 --> 00:08:50.659 I think that speaks to some people. So there's 00:08:50.659 --> 00:08:53.159 that. I think the other reason it's had legs 00:08:53.159 --> 00:08:56.379 is because mothers and grandmothers and granddaughters 00:08:56.379 --> 00:08:59.500 have shared it. So it winds up being intergenerational, 00:08:59.500 --> 00:09:02.679 which was a wonderful surprise. I certainly had 00:09:02.679 --> 00:09:05.259 never thought that that... would happen so but 00:09:05.259 --> 00:09:08.759 i know that it's handed down women's agency strength 00:09:08.759 --> 00:09:11.519 respect for women's work and the importance of 00:09:11.519 --> 00:09:14.600 women's relationships even extra familial relationships 00:09:14.600 --> 00:09:17.779 are things that keep women alive even in and 00:09:17.779 --> 00:09:20.620 sustain them even in really tough times today 00:09:20.620 --> 00:09:23.700 we chug coffee swallow ibuprofen and keep going 00:09:23.700 --> 00:09:26.580 but maybe the exhaustion we carry isn't just 00:09:26.580 --> 00:09:29.779 biological it's also cultural i think we've lost 00:09:29.779 --> 00:09:32.909 the pause We've lost the rhythm. We've lost the 00:09:32.909 --> 00:09:36.090 room where it's okay to bleed literally or metaphorically. 00:09:36.350 --> 00:09:39.389 It's time to reimagine that space. A new kind 00:09:39.389 --> 00:09:43.590 of red tent in 2025 made not of fabric, but of 00:09:43.590 --> 00:09:46.429 friendship. I would like to propose a new way 00:09:46.429 --> 00:09:49.269 of addressing bleeding. See, to be a human is 00:09:49.269 --> 00:09:51.909 to bleed and to be a mom is to bleed even more. 00:09:52.070 --> 00:09:55.110 We bleed every month. We bleed to bring life 00:09:55.110 --> 00:09:57.190 into the world and we bleed when the life in 00:09:57.190 --> 00:09:59.690 our womb leaves this world. Our bodies bleed 00:09:59.690 --> 00:10:02.490 and so do our hearts. Our hearts bleed for our 00:10:02.490 --> 00:10:05.110 babies and for every ounce of pain they experience 00:10:05.110 --> 00:10:07.590 in this life. They bleed for our friends' babies 00:10:07.590 --> 00:10:10.909 and babies across the globe too. So what if the 00:10:10.909 --> 00:10:14.370 red tent wasn't just being better at making plans, 00:10:14.470 --> 00:10:17.830 but actually a lifestyle, a posture we moved 00:10:17.830 --> 00:10:20.110 through the world with, nourishing ourselves 00:10:20.110 --> 00:10:23.590 and one another in ways that quietly rebel against 00:10:23.590 --> 00:10:26.809 hustle culture and maternal isolation. It could 00:10:26.809 --> 00:10:28.710 look like a standing Wednesday night porch hang 00:10:28.710 --> 00:10:32.009 after bedtime. No RSVPs required, just beverages 00:10:32.009 --> 00:10:34.909 and folding chairs waiting. Or a woman in your 00:10:34.909 --> 00:10:37.009 life who says, you don't have to be fine with 00:10:37.009 --> 00:10:39.929 me and actually means it. Maybe it's splitting 00:10:39.929 --> 00:10:42.330 a Costco haul with two other moms so no one has 00:10:42.330 --> 00:10:45.049 to wrestle the 40 pack of granola bars alone. 00:10:45.350 --> 00:10:48.049 Maybe it's a shared Google calendar for babysitting 00:10:48.049 --> 00:10:50.870 trades or a text thread that doesn't die after 00:10:50.870 --> 00:10:53.549 the meal train ends. Or a fridge magnet that 00:10:53.549 --> 00:10:56.929 reads, we mother here. Maybe it's quitting the 00:10:56.929 --> 00:10:59.870 PTA to start a monthly potluck that runs on belly 00:10:59.870 --> 00:11:02.289 laughs instead of burnout. These aren't just 00:11:02.289 --> 00:11:06.529 logistics, they're resistance. Tiny, sacred acts 00:11:06.529 --> 00:11:09.590 of defiance in a world that says, do it alone. 00:11:09.970 --> 00:11:12.889 Because bleeding is sacred, and sacred things 00:11:12.889 --> 00:11:28.149 deserve shared space. In my 20s, my friends used 00:11:28.149 --> 00:11:30.490 to lovingly call me a grandma. I went to bed 00:11:30.490 --> 00:11:33.049 early and drank tea and played Sudoku for fun 00:11:33.049 --> 00:11:35.470 instead of, I don't know, blacking out at music 00:11:35.470 --> 00:11:38.889 festivals. I secretly liked that nickname. Being 00:11:38.889 --> 00:11:41.409 called grandma felt like a compliment, like I 00:11:41.409 --> 00:11:44.230 was being grouped with something sacred. Because 00:11:44.230 --> 00:11:47.529 grandmas are sacred. They're also objectively 00:11:47.529 --> 00:11:50.500 the coolest people alive. I don't think it's 00:11:50.500 --> 00:11:52.659 a coincidence that teenagers are dressing like 00:11:52.659 --> 00:11:55.220 grandparents and that grandma core is a trend 00:11:55.220 --> 00:11:57.360 where young people are embracing their inner 00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:00.659 grandma lifestyle. Now, I want you to try something 00:12:00.659 --> 00:12:04.100 with me. Put on the lab coat and slightly unhinged 00:12:04.100 --> 00:12:07.000 brain of an evolutionary biologist. These are 00:12:07.000 --> 00:12:09.480 the people who study humans and apes over thousands 00:12:09.480 --> 00:12:13.940 of years to understand what makes us, us. And 00:12:13.940 --> 00:12:16.960 they've been stumped, utterly baffled for a while 00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:20.059 now by two weird facts about our species. Number 00:12:20.059 --> 00:12:23.039 one, humans have some of the longest lifespans 00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:25.620 in the animal kingdom. We live a really long 00:12:25.620 --> 00:12:29.039 time, and more notably, we live way longer than 00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:32.320 we used to, even just 200 years ago. And number 00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:36.639 two, women don't just live long lives. We live 00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:39.480 long after we stop reproducing. And in case you're 00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:42.320 wondering, in evolutionary biology, this used 00:12:42.320 --> 00:12:44.559 to be considered a total glitch in the system. 00:12:44.679 --> 00:12:47.899 From a purely scientific perspective, grandmothers 00:12:47.899 --> 00:12:50.379 can be considered a failure of reproductive fitness. 00:12:50.659 --> 00:12:53.240 What good is an organism that cannot reproduce 00:12:53.240 --> 00:12:55.440 itself and cannot help perpetuate the species? 00:12:55.860 --> 00:12:59.460 Men can keep reproducing well into old age, but 00:12:59.460 --> 00:13:02.059 spoken just like Hollywood executives everywhere, 00:13:02.460 --> 00:13:06.080 what's the point of older women? Cue every woman 00:13:06.080 --> 00:13:09.950 over 50 flipping the table. But plot twist, those 00:13:09.950 --> 00:13:13.149 same past their prime women, they might be the 00:13:13.149 --> 00:13:15.970 reason we live so long in the first place. Welcome 00:13:15.970 --> 00:13:18.269 to what scientists call the grandmother hypothesis. 00:13:18.950 --> 00:13:21.529 See, researchers started digging into historical 00:13:21.529 --> 00:13:23.789 records, things like church registries, census 00:13:23.789 --> 00:13:27.110 data, even death certificates, and noticed something 00:13:27.110 --> 00:13:30.850 remarkable. When a grandmother was at all present, 00:13:30.929 --> 00:13:33.950 especially a maternal grandmother, young children 00:13:33.950 --> 00:13:37.029 were far more likely to survive. The more proximity 00:13:37.029 --> 00:13:40.110 to grandma, the effect was even stronger. And 00:13:40.110 --> 00:13:42.789 when grandma was active in that sweet spot between 00:13:42.789 --> 00:13:46.970 50 and 75, survival rates absolutely soared. 00:13:47.509 --> 00:13:51.850 Why? Because grandma was showing up with a second 00:13:51.850 --> 00:13:54.330 pair of arms. She was stirring the stew, rocking 00:13:54.330 --> 00:13:57.250 the baby, tending the fire. She was passing down 00:13:57.250 --> 00:14:00.049 wisdom, picking up the slack, holding the line. 00:14:00.169 --> 00:14:03.409 She brought steadiness to the chaos and calm 00:14:03.409 --> 00:14:06.399 to the fear. And this didn't just help the children. 00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:09.139 Most notably, it helped the mothers too. Because 00:14:09.139 --> 00:14:11.700 when grandmothers help raise the babies, those 00:14:11.700 --> 00:14:13.820 mothers could go on to have more children, more 00:14:13.820 --> 00:14:16.799 support, and less burnout. The grandmother hypothesis 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:19.940 was first introduced in 1997 by anthropologist 00:14:19.940 --> 00:14:21.960 Kristin Hawkes after she worked with the Hazda, 00:14:22.059 --> 00:14:24.500 hunter -gatherers in Tanzania. While working 00:14:24.500 --> 00:14:26.360 with this group of foragers, she noticed that 00:14:26.360 --> 00:14:28.440 grandmothers played an integral part of feeding 00:14:28.440 --> 00:14:30.360 their grandchildren, allowing mothers to tend 00:14:30.360 --> 00:14:32.639 to her other children. This assistance over time 00:14:32.639 --> 00:14:34.860 has allowed women to have more children in shorter 00:14:34.860 --> 00:14:37.620 intervals, increasing her fecundity. And a 2012 00:14:37.620 --> 00:14:39.779 study by Hawkes has been able to further support 00:14:39.779 --> 00:14:42.120 the grandmother hypothesis through computer simulations 00:14:42.120 --> 00:14:44.700 that prove that a little grandmothering over 00:14:44.700 --> 00:14:47.860 time increase a species lifespan by years. But 00:14:47.860 --> 00:14:50.080 over the last century, multi -generational living 00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:53.080 has plummeted. At the start of the 1900s, only 00:14:53.080 --> 00:14:56.799 7 % of older women lived alone. Today, that number 00:14:56.799 --> 00:15:00.279 hovers around 32%. As families spread out across 00:15:00.279 --> 00:15:02.779 suburbs and coasts, grandma moved from the spare 00:15:02.779 --> 00:15:05.840 room to the retirement village. And just like 00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:08.220 that, the quiet infrastructure of generational 00:15:08.220 --> 00:15:11.440 support began to vanish. Not to mention that 00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:13.600 more grandmothers than ever are working later 00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:16.539 in life. So the grandmother effect didn't disappear, 00:15:16.779 --> 00:15:19.500 it just got farther away. And for many moms today, 00:15:19.580 --> 00:15:21.820 that distance has turned into a kind of loss, 00:15:22.039 --> 00:15:26.000 invisible, but deeply felt. So the long life 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:29.539 of a woman, menopause, it's not a biological 00:15:29.539 --> 00:15:33.899 oversight. It's not a bug. It's a feature. It's 00:15:33.899 --> 00:15:36.539 survival strategy wrapped in soft, wrinkly hands 00:15:36.539 --> 00:15:40.659 and hard -earned wisdom. It's legacy. Maybe you 00:15:40.659 --> 00:15:42.419 didn't grow up with a grandmother like that. 00:15:42.500 --> 00:15:44.799 Maybe you are the grandmother now holding more 00:15:44.799 --> 00:15:47.200 than you ever thought you would. Or maybe you're 00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:49.139 a mother raising children without a mother of 00:15:49.139 --> 00:15:51.840 your own and wondering where that strength is 00:15:51.840 --> 00:15:55.279 supposed to come from. Wherever you are, I want 00:15:55.279 --> 00:15:59.460 to remind you, you're not alone. You're not the 00:15:59.460 --> 00:16:03.139 beginning. You're not the end. You are one link 00:16:03.139 --> 00:16:05.580 in a long line of women who carried what you 00:16:05.580 --> 00:16:09.019 carry. A line that stretches back to fire circles 00:16:09.019 --> 00:16:12.460 and foremothers through grief and grit and morning 00:16:12.460 --> 00:16:16.120 coffee. Community isn't just lateral. It's vertical. 00:16:16.279 --> 00:16:18.799 Mothers and daughters and grandmothers and great 00:16:18.799 --> 00:16:21.360 grandmothers. It's strength that echoes in your 00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:24.759 bones and speaks even through silence. You don't 00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:28.330 mother alone. You mother among. And maybe now, 00:16:28.389 --> 00:16:30.690 more than ever, we need to grandmother one another, 00:16:30.870 --> 00:16:33.570 to show up with wisdom and warmth, to bring the 00:16:33.570 --> 00:16:35.870 snacks, the stories, the steady presence that 00:16:35.870 --> 00:16:38.250 says, you're not doing this alone, sweetheart. 00:16:38.809 --> 00:16:41.129 Because yes, grandma core might be trending, 00:16:41.330 --> 00:16:44.830 but real grandmothering, that's eternal. And 00:16:44.830 --> 00:16:46.809 if there's a soft peppermint in your purse right 00:16:46.809 --> 00:16:49.529 now, you're not just carrying candy, you're carrying 00:16:49.529 --> 00:16:52.929 a lineage, maybe even another mom's reason to 00:16:52.929 --> 00:17:18.569 keep going. You can live in a 3 ,000 -square 00:17:18.569 --> 00:17:21.470 -foot home with granite countertops, a home office, 00:17:21.569 --> 00:17:25.009 and a fenced -in backyard and still feel profoundly 00:17:25.009 --> 00:17:28.509 alone. You can have four target locations within 00:17:28.509 --> 00:17:30.890 10 minutes, but no one to call when you have 00:17:30.890 --> 00:17:34.009 mastitis. You can wave politely at your neighbor 00:17:34.009 --> 00:17:36.529 every morning for five years and never learn 00:17:36.529 --> 00:17:40.230 her last name. Let's talk about the architecture 00:17:40.230 --> 00:17:42.809 of loneliness. It's not just in your head, it's 00:17:42.809 --> 00:17:45.309 actually by design. For most of human history, 00:17:45.529 --> 00:17:47.849 communities were built around shared spaces, 00:17:48.190 --> 00:17:51.809 markets, town squares, temples, courtyards, communal 00:17:51.809 --> 00:17:54.829 wells. Places where people bumped into each other 00:17:54.829 --> 00:17:57.890 on purpose or by accident and swapped stories, 00:17:58.130 --> 00:18:02.769 food, news, and help. Today, we've traded footpaths 00:18:02.769 --> 00:18:05.720 for cul -de -sacs. in town squares with parking 00:18:05.720 --> 00:18:08.779 lots. Our cities and towns have zoned out community. 00:18:09.220 --> 00:18:12.140 Here's an expert on urban planning and architecture. 00:18:13.099 --> 00:18:16.519 This was called The Neighborhood and You, and 00:18:16.519 --> 00:18:19.339 it was at the Museum of Modern Art in New York 00:18:19.339 --> 00:18:22.619 City in 1945, and there was a set of panels that 00:18:22.619 --> 00:18:27.279 were distributed all over the world to talk about 00:18:27.279 --> 00:18:29.960 the neighborhood. how it needs to be the basis 00:18:29.960 --> 00:18:33.619 of social life. And it just gets kind of creepy. 00:18:33.799 --> 00:18:36.619 You know, it's very deterministic. If you live 00:18:36.619 --> 00:18:39.500 in a neighborhood, then you will be a responsible 00:18:39.500 --> 00:18:42.900 citizen. If you live in a planned neighborhood, 00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:45.240 you're going to get along with others. You're 00:18:45.240 --> 00:18:47.619 going to have a good social life. It's all going 00:18:47.619 --> 00:18:50.420 to be wonderful. And so the planned neighborhood 00:18:50.420 --> 00:18:54.319 gets implicated in this social determinism, very 00:18:54.319 --> 00:18:59.150 top down. And also this kind of forced idea that 00:18:59.150 --> 00:19:01.549 you're going to be friends with people who live 00:19:01.549 --> 00:19:04.170 in your neighborhood. I call it social confusion. 00:19:04.609 --> 00:19:07.230 You know, having social connection in your neighborhood 00:19:07.230 --> 00:19:11.150 is not at all about being friends. It's about 00:19:11.150 --> 00:19:14.890 being socially connected on some level, maybe 00:19:14.890 --> 00:19:18.789 just a glance, some familiarity with somebody 00:19:18.789 --> 00:19:22.089 on some level with a shopkeeper. That's a far 00:19:22.089 --> 00:19:25.309 cry from being friends. American zoning laws 00:19:25.309 --> 00:19:28.589 have prioritized privacy over proximity. And 00:19:28.589 --> 00:19:30.950 the crazy thing is this was kind of intentional. 00:19:31.269 --> 00:19:33.650 After World War II, the American dream became 00:19:33.650 --> 00:19:36.789 a house with a yard, a car, and a picket fence. 00:19:37.009 --> 00:19:41.130 We wanted space, independence, safety. But in 00:19:41.130 --> 00:19:43.410 chasing that dream, we accidentally zoned out 00:19:43.410 --> 00:19:45.849 the things that make us human, like connection 00:19:45.849 --> 00:19:49.309 and interdependence, two of the main things moms 00:19:49.309 --> 00:19:54.220 thirst for in 2025. Ice vanilla sugar -free latte? 00:19:56.920 --> 00:20:00.460 Question. Where do you go that's not home, not 00:20:00.460 --> 00:20:02.880 work, and doesn't require that you spend a bunch 00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:05.180 of money to hang out for extended periods of 00:20:05.180 --> 00:20:08.220 time? These are what sociologists call third 00:20:08.220 --> 00:20:11.240 places. Those magical in -between spaces that 00:20:11.240 --> 00:20:13.559 aren't work and aren't home, but where life happens 00:20:13.559 --> 00:20:16.759 anyway. Coffee shops, libraries, parks, community 00:20:16.759 --> 00:20:20.160 centers, hair salons, the YMCA, the front stoop. 00:20:20.619 --> 00:20:22.940 They're the places you show up without an invitation, 00:20:23.119 --> 00:20:25.700 where you bump into someone you know, where conversations 00:20:25.700 --> 00:20:28.160 start unplanned and kids run a little wild and 00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:31.119 you don't have to spend money. These places are 00:20:31.119 --> 00:20:34.140 vital. They're the social glue that keeps isolation 00:20:34.140 --> 00:20:37.500 from hardening into despair, but they're vanishing. 00:20:37.940 --> 00:20:41.960 And the results? Loneliness. Deep, widespread, 00:20:42.339 --> 00:20:48.740 architecturally reinforced loneliness. One study 00:20:48.740 --> 00:20:50.859 found that over the last 50 years, the number 00:20:50.859 --> 00:20:53.380 of Americans who say they have zero close friends 00:20:53.380 --> 00:20:56.599 has quadrupled. That's not just a personal problem. 00:20:56.740 --> 00:20:59.599 That's a design problem. But that's the good 00:20:59.599 --> 00:21:02.440 news. If we design for isolation, we can redesign 00:21:02.440 --> 00:21:05.819 for connection. So many of us believe the lie 00:21:05.819 --> 00:21:08.759 that loneliness is a character gap. But the truth 00:21:08.759 --> 00:21:12.539 is, loneliness is an infrastructural gap, one 00:21:12.539 --> 00:21:17.000 that we can rebuild. We can rethink how we gather, 00:21:17.099 --> 00:21:19.640 how we connect, how we mother. We can turn driveways 00:21:19.640 --> 00:21:22.420 into dinner tables. We can throw a folding table 00:21:22.420 --> 00:21:25.160 on the front lawn and call it sacred. We can 00:21:25.160 --> 00:21:27.339 meet at the park after bedtime for decaf tea 00:21:27.339 --> 00:21:30.460 and unfiltered conversation. We can advocate 00:21:30.460 --> 00:21:32.940 for zoning policies that prioritize community, 00:21:33.299 --> 00:21:36.559 not just commerce. We can look up from our fenced 00:21:36.559 --> 00:21:41.299 -in yards and say, hey, want to come over? Because 00:21:41.299 --> 00:21:44.519 moms... We've been holding up the scaffolding 00:21:44.519 --> 00:21:47.920 of community forever with carpool lines and group 00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:50.799 texts and last minute babysitting. But what if 00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:54.000 we stopped patching the cracks and started building 00:21:54.000 --> 00:21:57.259 something better? What if we became the architects 00:21:57.259 --> 00:22:07.839 of belonging? Women are born with pain built 00:22:07.839 --> 00:22:12.289 in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, 00:22:12.470 --> 00:22:16.009 sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it 00:22:16.009 --> 00:22:19.309 within ourselves throughout our lives. We have 00:22:19.309 --> 00:22:22.509 pain on a cycle for years and years and years. 00:22:22.630 --> 00:22:26.150 And then, just when you feel you are making peace 00:22:26.150 --> 00:22:28.470 with it all, what happens? The menopause comes. 00:22:28.549 --> 00:22:33.509 The f***ing menopause comes. And it is the most 00:22:33.509 --> 00:22:37.789 wonderful f***ing thing in the world. You're 00:22:37.789 --> 00:22:43.450 free. longer a slave, no longer a machine with 00:22:43.450 --> 00:22:49.410 parts. You're just a person. I was told it was 00:22:49.410 --> 00:22:51.609 horrendous. It is horrendous, but then it's magnificent. 00:22:52.430 --> 00:22:55.730 When a person's identity shifts, it's a big deal. 00:22:55.869 --> 00:22:59.589 And motherhood is one of the biggest. There are 00:22:59.589 --> 00:23:01.849 a few predictable identity shifts in your life. 00:23:01.890 --> 00:23:04.190 Your first period, maybe your first heartbreak, 00:23:04.410 --> 00:23:08.170 a career change, a spiritual awakening. But becoming 00:23:08.170 --> 00:23:12.119 a mother rewrites everything, your body, your 00:23:12.119 --> 00:23:15.180 time, your sleep, your story, even your blood. 00:23:15.660 --> 00:23:18.559 It's not lost on me that both womanhood and motherhood 00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:21.440 are marked by bleeding. First, you bleed to become 00:23:21.440 --> 00:23:24.059 a woman. Then you bleed to bring life into the 00:23:24.059 --> 00:23:27.160 world. Both times, the ground shifts. Both times, 00:23:27.160 --> 00:23:29.279 you need to circle around you. We weren't made 00:23:29.279 --> 00:23:32.700 to navigate identity shifts alone. I had a friend, 00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:35.740 a kid's basketball coach, ask me recently, how 00:23:35.740 --> 00:23:38.759 do you even define identity? I want to explain 00:23:38.759 --> 00:23:40.460 it to my students, but it's actually kind of 00:23:40.460 --> 00:23:43.740 hard to put into words. And she's right, it is. 00:23:43.779 --> 00:23:46.880 Because identity isn't just me, it's us. It's 00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:49.579 formed in relation to who's around us. It's shaped 00:23:49.579 --> 00:23:52.420 by communion. And here's where it gets spiritual. 00:23:52.920 --> 00:23:55.460 Because the Christian story doesn't just say 00:23:55.460 --> 00:23:58.900 God has relationship. It says God is relationship. 00:23:59.660 --> 00:24:03.740 Father, Son, Spirit, three in one. So when we 00:24:03.740 --> 00:24:07.089 refuse to mother alone, We reflect the very nature 00:24:07.089 --> 00:24:10.089 of God. We're meant to circulate care the way 00:24:10.089 --> 00:24:12.809 the body circulates blood. Blood is made to move, 00:24:12.849 --> 00:24:15.150 to flow from one part of the body to another, 00:24:15.250 --> 00:24:18.150 carrying oxygen, fighting off harm, bringing 00:24:18.150 --> 00:24:20.569 what's needed where it's needed. When it stops 00:24:20.569 --> 00:24:24.950 moving, we get sick. When it moves, we live. 00:24:25.539 --> 00:24:28.119 community works the same way we weren't meant 00:24:28.119 --> 00:24:30.599 to be containers we were meant to be conduits 00:24:30.599 --> 00:24:32.900 mothers were never meant to hold everything alone 00:24:32.900 --> 00:24:35.660 we're meant to carry and be carried to give and 00:24:35.660 --> 00:24:37.599 receive to nourish and be nourished so maybe 00:24:37.599 --> 00:24:40.980 the real story is this you don't just share blood 00:24:40.980 --> 00:24:43.400 with your children you share it with the people 00:24:43.400 --> 00:24:45.940 who help you mother them with the ones who show 00:24:45.940 --> 00:24:48.480 up at your door in your messages in your memories 00:24:49.320 --> 00:24:51.839 especially with the ones you bleed with. You 00:24:51.839 --> 00:24:54.759 are together the lifeblood of a world that desperately 00:24:54.759 --> 00:24:58.579 needs mending. And if you follow Jesus, you know 00:24:58.579 --> 00:25:02.359 his blood runs through this story too. Christ 00:25:02.359 --> 00:25:05.240 knew that power is not expressed in dominion, 00:25:05.279 --> 00:25:09.480 but in communion. So when you feel tired, like 00:25:09.480 --> 00:25:11.880 you have nothing left to give, Remember this. 00:25:12.200 --> 00:25:14.279 You're not just carrying your family. You are 00:25:14.279 --> 00:25:16.720 carrying each other. You are circulation. You 00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:20.700 are a life force. You, or rather we, are blood. 00:25:25.240 --> 00:25:28.579 This has been Bloodline and Backbone, a production 00:25:28.579 --> 00:25:32.119 of MomCo Media, created by Mandy Arrioto. It 00:25:32.119 --> 00:25:34.519 was written by Emma Turnbull and Mandy Arrioto. 00:25:35.900 --> 00:25:38.799 Produced by Jeremiah Schumacher. Music composition 00:25:38.799 --> 00:25:41.859 and sound design by Sleepy Dog Creative. Our 00:25:41.859 --> 00:25:45.079 executive producer is Kelly Jo Smith. And our 00:25:45.079 --> 00:25:49.960 theme song is Glory by Zuri Alvarado. If this 00:25:49.960 --> 00:25:51.880 episode moved you, share it with someone who 00:25:51.880 --> 00:25:53.500 needs to hear it. And don't forget to follow 00:25:53.500 --> 00:25:56.319 the podcast so you never miss a new story. You 00:25:56.319 --> 00:25:59.400 can reach us at media at themom .co. We'll see 00:25:59.400 --> 00:26:01.420 you next time on Bloodline and Backbone.