You're listening to Twisted Tropes. Familiar
settings. Wild new tales. Now, on with the story.
Scandals and Scavengers, a post -apocalyptic
Regency romance. Episode 1, Preparations and
Protagonists, or Not -So -Humble Beginnings.
And so it came to pass 300 years ago, the apocalypse
arrived. Not from the collapse of the environment,
not from the ambition of kings or generals, but
the hubris of the young. An influencer decided
to read from an ancient tome as a joke on a livestream.
The simple incantation, multiplied across hundreds
of thousands of speakers worldwide, created a
series of rifts to the infernal realms. what
would come to be known as the Time of Tearing.
Demons poured out, nukes were launched, it was,
in fact, a full -blown kerfuffle. Of course,
in the aftermath, there was about a century of
the most beastly behavior. People fighting for
resources, making war bands and traipsing about
in the most impractical and immodest costumes,
bashing each other about the heads with spiked
sticks and such. Eventually, A warlord who would
later be known as Queen Lizzie took over the
fair metropolis now known as Neo -Britannia.
As she settled her followers, she discovered
a perfectly preserved home, the home of an ordinary
woman who would be known henceforth as Saint
Linda. In it, Queen Lizzie found perfectly preserved
accounts of a more civilized time, accounts that
would become the blueprints of a new society.
The Austenets and the Bridgertenets. And now,
after 200 years of cultivating a stable and enlightened
society, once again, Neo -Britannia's most cherished
season begins. The Marriage Mart. And with it,
our story. The halls of the manor are quiet.
But then again, they have been for several weeks.
Ever since your return. Your first introduction
to your late husband's country estate. A pastiche
of work over many years, its main entry is based
on the remains of a pre -tearing building, which
lends its name to the estate. The rest of Affle
House expands to a comfortable size, with rooms
for several guests, a lavish master suite, and
plenty of space for servants. Not that there's
been much need for those since your arrival.
Only the five eldest servants, those that had
more loyalty to your husband than fear of a wildlander,
stayed with you. It is one of these that breaks
the silence, pulling you from your thoughts and
back into the moment. Sir, Mrs. Worley has prepared
a midday snack for you. She was concerned that
the refreshments at these sorts of affairs are
usually more frilly than filling and wanted to
make sure you didn't go hungry. Shall I bring
it in here, or would you prefer to partake while
we get you ready? The speaker is your butler,
Lucas Tremaine. The dusky, blue -skinned dwarf
stands, as always, in his thick leather sleeveless
overcoat over a dark blue velour tracksuit and
elaborate cravat. As is his habit, he idly tugs
on the end of an elaborately braided white mustache,
almost as if he's trying to even the ends out
to match the well -maintained and equally elaborately
braided beard. Thank you, Lucas. Please, have
her bring it in here. I'll partake in whatever
I can while I'm getting ready. As you wish, sir.
We can bring it up to the bedroom where we have
your attire laid out, as you requested. That
would be great. Thank you very much. Not a worry,
sir. And he leaves you. How is Samuel doing?
It's a bit of a culture shock, all of this, seeing
what my late husband has left behind, and just
getting used to the whole routine of it all,
the decorum and things like that, where while
I was being coached by my late husband, it really
is now sinking in that I am the lord of this
manor, and these people look up to me, and there's
a level of responsibility I'm not used to. and
everywhere I look is just a little bit of a reminder
of the loss. Especially the family portrait that
is over the mantle. Granted, his family, you
hadn't been included in one because of the recent
nature of your nuptials. So, anything you would
like to do, or are we heading upstairs to get
you ready? You have been cordially invited to
Lady Southmere's garden party to open up the
season. I will head upstairs to get ready, prepare
myself both in appearance and mentally, and it
would be very rude, and I know I would upset
Wilhelmina if I didn't partake in what she made
for me. As you get to your suite, a few things
sort of catch your eye. A, the extravagant nature
of all the furnishings still are somewhat grating.
On your nerves, even out in your home when it
was settled out in the wildlands, it was rustic
and serviceable. Everything was more practical
than ornamental. This is just perplexing. Why?
Why so many pillows? Who needs that many pillows?
But Wilmina has prepared a very serviceable,
very practical meal for you. She has adapted.
to your tastes. There is simply a chunk of cheese,
a chunk of some kind of roasted meat. You're
not intimately familiar with all the varieties
that you have available to you. And just a torn
off husk of bread and a large pitcher of pure
water. That's extremely kind. I think, um, absentmindedly,
I'll just start chewing away at the bread and
take one chunk of meat. bite through with my
fangs and just absentmindedly chew that through
as I'm looking at whatever outfit they've prepared
for me. Well, they would be taking cues from
you what your comfort is. So Lucas will help
get you dressed. And as you gaze into the mirror,
what do we see? So in the mirror, staring back
at me will be a... Six foot two, dragonborn.
Scales that are an iridescent blue shimmering
in the low level of the light in this bedroom.
Eyes, a pale blue fire burning where the pupils
would normally be. Currently in the scales, especially
amongst the face, where... Normally on a human
or a humanoid, there'd be scars. It's just a
little pale blue, much lighter in color, tracking
along where perhaps beasts or some sort have
left their marks on him. While he's in the manor
and not being seen socially, it's a very casual
outfit. Kind of scraps put together. Something
he's been accustomed to and something that's
comfortable. Furs, cheaply tanned leathers and
things like that. Whatever they could... put
together and it's still something that makes
him feel comfortable uh in this unfamiliar setting
now for what has been laid out for you to go
to the garden party are we going uh are we going
uh rugged wooden casual or are we going to try
to dress to impress i think a little bit of both
uh so samuel remembering how dashing his husband
would look in that military garb trying to dress
up as much as we could he will take a little
bit fancier boots uh some actual nice uh white
trousers however on the upper body he does want
to make a bit of a statement and not forget who
he is so while it will be a plain shirt but over
that will be a fur vest instead of a typical
overcoat, as well as he will be keeping a necklace
of various fangs as an accent piece. Making a
statement. Now, because this is polite society,
but it is polite society in an extraordinarily
dangerous environment, you are allowed to go
armed to functions. Will you be carrying any
visible weaponry? Did my husband, as a captain,
have any sort of, like, honorary sword that was
less for fighting and more for decorum? Yes,
he definitely had a fairly ornate, the closest
we would say would be a saber, but it was a little
heavier and a little more choppy than slashy.
But yes, there would be an ornate saber equivalent.
Okay. I will wear that for his memory as well
as for the decorum of the matter, but I know
that I would not be using that should a fight
break out. Excellent. So it doesn't take Lucas
long to get you dressed. He is fussing over you
in a not entirely paternal, but there is a degree
of care. And you had never met this man before
you got to this estate. So the fact that he has
attached himself and made... your happiness and
comfort such a priority. It says a lot about
him, or at least from your perspective. I do
wish to reconsider. We can get one of the carriages.
No, no. Honestly, Lucas, I will feel more comfortable
riding in myself. Mr. Roy, it's no trouble. I
mean no disrespect to Roy's Skills or anything
like that. This is truly for my comfort. And
again, this is a bit of a statement. I am who
I am. And a statement it will be, sir. Well,
we'll get Maurice saddled and ready to meet you
at the front door. All right. I will leave you
to your final preparations. I do hope you enjoy.
Now, we will... We will meet you at the city
estate after the festivities. Everything has
been sent ahead. Excellent. And, Lucas, thank
you for everything, truly. And, Evan, if it would
be okay if I could actually knock off a point
of wealth while I'll be socializing tonight,
please make sure you and the other four, while
you're setting up at the estate, get yourself
something nice to eat as well. What? Thank you,
sir. The similarities are uncanny at times. Anyway,
well, I've taken enough of your time, sir. We'll
have your mount prepared. And he's just tugging
on the mustache, like clearly grateful, but awkwardly
uncomfortable. This is very strange for him.
In so far as you're a stranger, you definitely
get the feeling that there was a deep and profound
connection to the whole family and especially
to your late husband. Anything you want to do,
prepare, anything like that before you go and
get on your mount? Nothing really to prepare.
I think I actually will go back down to that
drawing room or wherever that family portrait
was and actually I'll spend the rest of my time
just... reminiscing to myself staring up at it
all righty um it is uh you do know a little bit
of the family history um it is the departed parents
um your late husband henry uh and you see the
uh the older brother uh nathaniel drake the baron
of dayton having taken over the title from the
parents when they passed um not a lot said really
by Henry about his brother other than about his
existence. You don't, there was never open hostility,
but there just wasn't a lot said. Almost like
there wasn't a lot to say about their relationship.
So take that to mean what you will. Have we received
any words, except I'm assuming that the expected
condolences and things like that from Nathaniel
since Henry's passing? No. Not even the expected
condolences. Yikes. Drama. Yeesh. Noting that.
Yeah. So that is what you have. I think that's
it for me. I'll prepare for a special event this
evening. All right. Mr. Roy brings Maurice around.
He is your faithful Lyron. What's a Lyron, you
may ask? So, he is effectively what we would
consider a dire lion. However, he is gifted with
organic steel teeth, claws, and his mane is made
of the finest steel wire. Oh. That sounds painful.
He is a statement mount. Yeah, so rocking up
to the garden party on this is going to leave
an impression, but I feel like that's kind of
what you're going for. So good. Is this my first
time meeting Maurice? Oh, no, no. No, Maurice
came with you. Oh, good, good, good. You know
Maurice. Does Maurice speak? No. Why would a
Lyron speak? Why would a white tiger speak? Stay
tuned for answers to that and more. Did any of
you take druid levels? I don't think so. One
more question. Is this the first event of the
season? It is. All right. Thank you. So this
will be some people's debuts. A low impact kind
of event. No stakes involved. Yes. And is Henry's
death public knowledge? You would assume so.
It was not something we hid. And he was the governor
of, well, he came back to officially be sworn
in and given his title as Baron of Winchester.
And he returned to effectively govern the, newly
acquired lands. Yeah, I will just climb aboard
Maurice with well -practiced mounting and just
give him a soft pat along the steel wool mane.
It's not like steel wool. It's like weirdly like
it's almost like really, really fine aircraft
table. Yeah. It's comforting, actually. Yeah.
I mean, it does function a bit like armor for
his neck, which is great. Yeah. And you bound
off into the late afternoon sun, heading towards
the Southmere residence. But we're going to leave
you on the road, and we're going to move a little
deeper into the city, into the back garden. of
a very nice estate. Again! There's a grunt, and
the sound of whistling chains and steel clashing
with steel. Blows rain down for what seems like
an eternity, but in reality is only a scant minute.
You break, and the Minotaur across from you leans
on the giant, knurled Iron War Staff in his hands
as he catches his breath. Oh, dang. You've clearly
been practicing. Yes, I have. And I almost got
you that time. Darn tootin', you nearly took
one of the old noggin spikes off of there, Ms.
Edgewater. Gonna be showing those regiment boys
who's boss in no time. Oh, thank you so much,
Captain. I told you you don't have to call me
Captain. Axle Greyhorn has been your combat teacher,
or fencing instructor, as you call him, for about
ten years now. He was a childhood friend of your
father, and he has become something of a fixture
in your family's life, even more so after the
death of your mother. Are you sure I can't interest
you in starting some firearm training? I have
a real nice carbine that I think you'd be a natural
with. You know, that does make some sense, because
I'm quite good with a hunting rifle, but when
am I ever going to use such a handgun? I mean...
Well, a carbine is a rifle there, Ms. Edgewater.
Okay. I probably should have known that, but
I... Don't worry. I mean, you'll probably have
someone to take care of all your weapons because
your dad says that any day now you're going to
be getting your first command. I have no idea
what that facial expression means. I think what
he meant was marriage. I am going to any day
now. Find the perfect match and be wedded in
bliss. You're going to be in a battle either
way. You know. What? Never mind. Just old military
guy talk. Can I get you a glass of water? We've
been working for a while. I would love one. Thank
you so much, Captain. And he puts down the giant
war staff. And with surprisingly gentle and dexterous
hands, he pours two. Crystal little goblets of
water and hands you yours first, of course. Oh,
well, I think we should probably call it a day
because you have something you got to go to,
right? I do a garden party. I was invited to
Lady Southmere's garden party. I'm very excited.
It's the first event of the season. Everyone
will be there. Oh, sounds terrible. I know you
get excited about all that, but... Give me a
good drink and a good book and a fire and I'm
a happy old guy. Of course, that's a wonderful
evening. But you are right, it will be terrible.
I am sure there are plenty of people that will
need my assistance in following the proper social
etiquette. I mean, you got commanding officer
just written all over you, kid. But, I mean,
I'm sorry, Miss Edgewater, I forgot. Sometimes
I get a little too... I'm used to the battalion.
It's all right. We've known each other quite
a long time. It's okay. It's at this point that
you hear a shout from the door leading into the
drawing room. Drips! Gladstone needs your help
again! You turn to see your younger brother,
Alistair, already turning back into the house.
Clearly more interested in whatever book he is
reading than the needs of your older brother.
Unlike you, he tends to lean towards his winter
aspect. A fact evident in his fashion sense.
Not severe, per se, but definitely a far cry
from warm or welcoming. I've told you not to
call me that! I know! He's upstairs in case you're
wondering. Well, I wasn't wondering, but... Thank
you anyway. Thank you anyway. You go upstairs
and you find your older brother Gladstone in
his room. His valets, Chad and Raymond Parker,
looking at each other nervously outside the door.
He has a number of coats and cravats laid out
on his bed in clear disarray. He wears a simple
white shirt, gray multi -pocketed patched together
pants. spiked steel -plated riding boots, and
a neon green vest with bright silver bands. Is
that what you're wearing to the party? Oh, well,
you know I've never been good with colors, so
I could use any help you might have. Sure, get
rid of that, that, and the other thing. But,
I mean, I think... I like my vest. I think it
makes a statement. It's an eye -catching conversation
piece. Sure does. You will not get run over by
any irradicorns in the street. Well, I mean,
that's a side benefit, but I was hoping to catch
the eye of a young lady tonight. Who? Which young
lady? I mean, let's start with having one give
me a second look, and then we'll get particular.
So, are you going to help me get dressed or not?
Oh, yes. So really, you do just maybe not that
waistcoat. I think perhaps this one over here.
You know, the dark leather. For some reason,
I just have to, I feel like I have to trust you
when y 'all talk like that. All right. I don't
know what you mean. Yeah, sure you don't. All
right. So you get Gladstone dressed somewhat
more appropriately. He favors his summer aspect.
He's honestly very handsome for an Eladrin. Very
striking features. Where Alistair drifts towards
a frailer build and a more academic appearance,
Gladstone leans into the big, broad, striking
man -about -town sort of thing. He is not gifted
intellectually. And also technically colorblind.
Just sort of unfortunate. So you get him sort
of presentable. We're not going to say fashionable,
but we will say presentable. Just then, your
father Albion pokes his head in. Edgewater, y
'all ain't dressed yet. Gladstone's got all
the help he needs getting dressed. You go on
and get. We have to leave in half an hour or
we're going to be unfashionably late. Daddy,
don't worry. I'm going to be ready in time. I
have means for this sort of thing. I swear if
your mother, if your mama was still around, she
would, she'd probably have something to say about
all this. I love you, Daddy. I love you too,
Edgewater. Now just get ready. You retire to
your room. And you have your sort of chief handmaid,
Clarabelle. All right. So what are we thinking?
Are we going to catch a beau tonight? Oh, I don't
think I'll have time to catch a beau just this
evening. Can you imagine all of the faux pas
that will be happening at the very first party
of the season? I will be so busy. But it is a
garden party, so I believe the dress with the
blue and green flowers on it, that would be a
good one. All right, sorry, you lost me at faux
pas, but I don't know what that is. But, all
right, we'll get you just, you know, pretty as
a picture. All right, let's get you ready. And
also, miss, I don't mean to nudge, but I mean...
You might want to look out for your own interests
just a little bit. If everybody's making mistakes,
that can only make you look better. Oh, of course,
but that wouldn't be kind of me. I must share
my knowledge with the others. And once everyone
is on the same page in society, it will all fold
together so neatly as a lovely little book. You
got some big ideas, Miss Edgewater. All dolled
up and ready to go. So what are you looking at
in the mirror as Clarabelle fusses and primps
and preens? So what you see, it's hard really
kind of to tell what might be under all of what
are to us. plastic bags that you use to pick
up dog poop that are nice and green and blue.
And they've all been twisted into rosettes like
all over this dress with some extra ones at the
shoulders to be extra big and poofy here. Probably
underneath it's some sort of leather something.
But it still looks like a Regency. perfect as
you could get a regency evening gown um or afternoon
gown i should say not quite evening um and it's
just covered in these hideous plastic poop bags
beyond the dress who is wearing the dress oh
and edgewater is a um lovely eladrin girl um
she is about 23 years of age she's been out um
for about three years now with no prospects uh
but she is quite attractive it's very hard to
say she has um lovely auburn hair um and she
has rosy cheeks and luscious full lips and everything
but for some reason no one seems to be approaching
her with marriage prospects who could imagine
why uh well you get yourself situated and you
uh get all uh both your father your two brothers
and yourself uh bundled into the U-ha The U-Ha?
The what? The U-Ha. The what? One more time?
Why does Johnny get all these references? It's
a big square carriage. Yeah, yeah. Silver and
orange. Yeah. It's a U-Haul minus the L. Oh my
God. That's beautiful. I didn't promise, classy.
Oh my God. This is beautiful. No, that's great.
And you head off. To Lady Southmere's residence.
Is there anything you need to discuss with your
brothers or your father on the way? Oh, I'm absolutely
making sure that they're sitting correctly in
the carriage. Back straight. No crossing of legs.
Absolutely. Alistair tried to be the first one
into the carriage, but then he can't help me
get out of the carriage. So I had to stop him
from being first in. so that I could get in first
and come out second. There are mixed reactions.
Your father, Albion, sort of has a bit of a shake
of the head and a smirk, but you seem to enjoy
this, so he's going to go along with it. Gladstone
looks to you for everything. He is a very attentive
pupil, even if he does not retain very much.
Great. He tries real hard. Alistair is usually
inspecting the back of his skull when you talk
because he rolls his eyes back so hard. He does
not care at all. He will when no one wants to
marry him. Ouch. Suits me just fine. What will
you do with your life if you don't have a good
wife or husband? I don't know. Maybe have time
to read and improve myself and maybe discover
things. I can do all of that and more and have
a spouse. Oh, how's that going for you? Father,
I hope this evening goes quite well, don't you?
Yes, yes. Now stop provoking your sister. I just
know. Can we all just have a nice carriage ride,
please? And with that, we're going to swing off
across the park. We're not leaving the family,
though. We're just going to a different part
of it. Somewhere across the main park, we enter
the home of Edgewater's uncle, Edison Sparks.
He is the elder brother. He's Albion's older
brother. And he inherited the family title and
is situated just a bit over his brother. Because
they are in the Viscount tier. That does not
mean his home is any less chaotic. The eldest
son, Clayton, is berating his valet that the
chainmail sleeve of his coat has not been polished
fully, while the twins, Myrtle and Maddy, are
fawning over various earrings made of flattened
metal discs with crenelated edges, trying to
choose which assortment best complements their
half -elven features. Of course. This is all
happening down one hall. Down around the corner,
towards the back of the house, closer to the
servants' stairs, we see an elderly gnome woman,
Ms. Trudy Pothole, knock on a plain door and
enter almost immediately. I'm sorry! Trudy Pothole!
It's a great name. I'm furious that that's not
my character's name. It's pronounced Pothel.
Pothel. Sure. Incredible. We're bringing her
everywhere with us. Yeah, I'm writing that down.
We're going to be hitting that close and hard.
Yeah. Wow. Miss Mary, I've mended your dress
for you, and I hope you'll pardon the presumption,
but I added a bit of decoration for you. Everybody
deserves to feel pretty, child. Now, let's get
you ready. Okay, thanks, Trudy. And here we find
the ever so excited Miss Mary Smith. Yeah, I'm
currently, I have like a really tiny window that's
impossible to clean. So it's always kind of grimy
looking. I'm looking sadly out of it, but also
in a kind of unapproachable way. But Trudy never
lets me do that for some reason. For Trudy, knocking
is just what you do before you walk through a
door. There is no other part of that process.
Yep. Yeah, she does that a lot. She's kind of
my best friend. Of this household, she does take
the greatest interest. She's kind of nice to
me sometimes. She herself is largely overlooked
by the other members of your family. Given your
position, you... hesitate to use that word, but
she's also overlooked due to her advanced years
and the rambling nature of her stories. But anyway,
she holds out your dress to you and helps you
get ready because you are included in the invitation.
And Edison has made it clear that you will be
attending. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I tend to, my health
prevents me sometimes from attending such functions,
but the First event of the season, I am obligated.
Yeah, yeah. And why is that? Why do you have
to follow what Edison says? Well, so I was taken
on as a ward many, many, many years ago. And
that's so nice. Honestly, so nice of them. So
nice of them. Because they didn't have to. They
didn't have to. And everyone knows that it was
very nice of them to do that for me. Yes, Edison's
wife, Marguerite, never misses an opportunity
to remind everyone and yourself about that. Fucking
Marguerite. I'd take Trudy over Marguerite any
day. My God. You think that's actually a popular
sentiment over most people who are not blood
related. Yeah, yeah. So, so far I've been out
on the ton technically in the marriage mart for...
a good chunk of years now and they're hoping
at some point I bring in some money or a title
or something like that and due to my temperament
it hasn't happened yet and so there's starting
to be a bit of mutterings increased mutterings
about you know Helping out the family that I
was very graciously included in as a baby or
whatever. And, you know, the pressure's starting
to build somewhat for my participating. It's
also a little galling given the fact that while
there are the three children, Clayton is actually
three years your junior. Yeah. He's an idiot.
I didn't say it out loud, though. I kept that
thought inside. Goddamn. Clayton is a bit of
a dandy. He does take after his mother quite
a bit. He's also not the kindest of people to
the household staff. No. Now that the dress is
mended. What are we looking at? Who are you?
What are we seeing in the mirror? Who is Mary
Smith? I'm getting dressed. I mostly dress myself
because Trudy, you know, she is itty bitty and
so old and she's busy talking. So I'm going to
dress myself mostly. The dress is mostly repaired
off like a hand -me -downs despite the fact that
I'm like one of the oldest kids in this. sort
of family um so it's a lot of like layers layers
are big for me i'm wearing layers on layers for
my skirts layers on layers for the top um it's
a lot of like um what is trying to approximate
lace but it's like plastic fishing net and like
uh you know bits of rubber detailing and the
skirt is just every other kind of fabric whatever
kind of loosely piled on top of each other. Lots
of layers. Very modest. I'm covered. Neck to
toe. To give you a little pop of color, Trudy
has given you a wide waist sash with a nice bow
in the back. It is yellow and very waterproof.
Police line do not cross. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah,
I tend to, even if the clothes I'm wearing used
to be fashionable or colorful, they kind of aren't
anymore for the most part. And I also have, the
shoes I wear are very thin -soled so that I can
creep about. In a kind of subtle fashion. And
I'm wearing also a necklace that has an emblem
of St. Linda on it. Excellent. Do you have a
little friend? Oh, yeah. I was wondering about
that. Yes. I think I have a... I don't know.
I'll maybe leave it to you if it makes more sense
to have an actual little mouse friend or a clockwork
mouse friend. I would say... You do have an actual
little mouse. It is the thing that visited you
second most other than Trudy in the house. And
now he lives here with you. God, I love this
mouse. Yeah, he kind of... I have a lot of pockets
in my huge skirts. My layered skirts. And so
he kind of nestles into one of the pockets. This
dress is all pockets. It's all pockets. It's
barely anything but pockets. The shape is, you
know, lumpy. Lumpy pockets. It's giving lumpy.
It's giving lumpy chic. Last season's lumpy chic.
God, what a horrible adjective. Where is my head
at? I almost forgot. A young man stopped by and
asked that this be delivered to you. Said it
was the seed you were looking for for your little
friend. And she takes out a tiny little box and
hands it to you. I best go and see if any of
the others need my help. But just be sure you're
downstairs so you're ready to go. You got it,
girl. That's my girl. This is why I don't talk
to people at functions, guys. Girl, no one's
called me girl in a while. She hops up on the
bed and gives you a little pat on the cheek.
Have fun tonight. You're a riot, Trudy. Really.
See you later. Oh, you. So she hops down and
goes to see if the other members of the family
need help getting ready. Invariably, Marguerite
will be throwing a fit. The box. Yes. You know
what's really in the box. Oh, I open it. Yeah.
There's a little bit of seed on top of the false
bottom. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Okay. check to
make sure you know that everyone's busy being
the worst um not hard in this house yep and so
and then i pop open the secret bottom uh there
is a stack of hydro notes hydro notes would be
the uh the way that access to the grand reservoir
is uh denotated and you don't actually like you
don't actually trade uh you know, bottles of
water to people, you give people notes of certain,
uh, volume. So, uh, these are all, um, they're
all very used. They're a sort of plastic, uh,
plastic, uh, plasticated. They're, they're, they're
a thin plastic and they have various, uh, sort
of colorful, uh, designs on them, but all of
them will have like four FL, eight FL, 12 FL.
So these will be basically your currency. Excellent.
And you have a stack that is a little more than
a quart. Okay. So not bad. Do I know who delivered
this to me? Oh, yeah. Nicodemus, your assistant.
Well, maybe not your assistant, Mary. Oh, interesting.
And it just has a little note. Second half came
through. All right, Nicodemus. I would call him
my friend, but that would be unprofessional.
It's just Trudy at the mouse. I mean, pretty
much. Yeah, yeah. Pretty much. Excellent. All
right. I will give my mouse friend whose name
is going to come up any minute now. I give him
the little seeds because, you know, he's not
going to get a lot to eat tonight. And I'm going
to tuck most of those notes. I'm assuming I have
like the world's most secret loose floorboard
of all time. Absolutely. So I'm going to tuck
some of them in there. Maybe put one or two in
one of my many pockets. Excellent. Just in case.
All righty. Cool, cool. Do you have anything
you'd like to do? Anyone you'd like to visit?
Or are you just going to wait to depart with
the rest of your family? You only have about
a half an hour, so you're kind of bound to the
house. Yeah, I think I probably will just finish
getting ready. I'm going to slip a dagger or
two in my pockets. Or a garter. I don't know.
My tire rubber garters. Uncomfortable. So bad.
Peel that off with your teeth. You have like
a cloth and stuff, right? This could work. We
haven't met yet, but may I introduce you to my
fangs. This escalated in a horny fashion. And
then... Yeah, I have my hair kind of tied back
in a very severe bun. Just so we get a picture,
we know that you are lumpy of silhouette. Mostly
the skirts. But in terms of actually like, are
you similarly a dragonborn? What are we looking
at here? Oh, yes. I'm a half elf. Kind of in
like the most Austin like rude way. You'd call
her mousy. You know? Nice. It's a little nondescript,
a little plain. Her hair is kind of like a light
brown. Her eyes are brown. She looks, she's got
kind of like, she's squinting a lot. She's kind
of like, kind of got a frown line all the time.
Her mouth is turned down a lot of the time. She's
kind of like, looks tense. Semi/definitely
unapproachable. hence the lack of marriage yeah
um and and she is one of those people that is
just hard it's hard to remember her face kind
of she's kind of uh looks like looks like a bunch
of people but not in any memorable kind of way
almost gotcha gotcha um it honestly did work
out because Edison is an elf and Margarita is
human and they're Offspring are half -elves,
so you do in a weird way sort of fit in with
the family. Yeah, yeah. I mean, as fit in as
you can. Yes. As you assemble in the lobby, comparatively,
everyone is dressed so much better than you.
Yeah, yeah. Real Cinderella vibes here. Yeah,
yeah. And you make your way to the carriage.
And as usual, everyone else gets in. And then
they go around the sort of long, like elongated
rectangular, like rusted out metal body and swing
open the back door for you to sit in the back
facing backwards. There's a little strap that
I hold on to so I don't slip out. it's happened
before um it's pretty bad they forgot they didn't
they didn't turn back there is no there is no
window in the back it's just yeah it's like for
cargo really it's not it's like if you're in
a pickup truck there's technically a tiny seat
like plastic seat that folds down in the back
of the cab but it's not appropriate or safe um
but that's where i sit yeah i mean this is like
slight slightly better but yeah it is it is clearly
like this is like no one wants to sit back here
yeah so uh amongst the honestly quasi brainless
prattle of your adopted siblings you you ride
off towards what's probably going to be just
a tedious night god Edgewater's gonna be there
oh my god had like two months where i didn't
have to talk to her oh my god yeah you're i immediately
dissociate i just good god you haven't had a
lot of interactions with your adoptive cousin
but I mean, honestly, she's nicer to you than
this. Oh, yeah. She's really nice, but it's worse
somehow. Yeah. All right. And so now we are going
to cut hard west, and we are going to zoom in
on a bedroom. And we're going to look and see
a figure cutting a memorable figure in the mirror,
bedecked in full tails. a powder blue ruffled
shirt, a so much darker blue vest with a faded
smiley face over one breast pocket and sporting
not one, but two pocket watch chains, which are
actually bike chains that do not end in pocket
watches, but they're there. Shiny red track pants
and a pair of black canvas sneakers that have
been refitted with tire treads for souls. Oh,
my God. I love it. There stands the one and only
son and sole heir to this altar title, Little
Future Lord Lefroy. Putting on... Johnny hasn't
had any of his White Claw this whole episode. He's been
waiting this entire time. It was worth it for
the foley moment. Putting on a top hat that adds
a full foot to his height, bringing it up to
a staggering 3 '10", he looks up at you with
expectant eyes as he grabs a small walking stick
topped with a black orb bearing the number 8.
So, what do you think, Mr. Thalt? Well, my little
lord, I think you look great. And I lean down
and I take the clasp around the top hat and cinch
it tight to his head because it keeps leaning
off and falling back. And I pull it so it kind
of like it pushes his already kind of chubby
cheeks even a little further out and kind of
gives him a forced posture. And I give him a
little pinch on the cheek. Which, given your
stature, is most of his face. Yeah, I'm mostly
prone at this point. So to explain that to everyone,
who are we looking at? Who is Mr. Salt? So this
is Immortan Salt. This is Lord Lefroy's valet.
Lefroy is a halfling and a child. That's quite
small. And Salt is his Goliath butler, tutor,
bodyguard, and caretaker. Oh, thank you, Mr.
Salt. All right. So are we ready? This is going
to be, this is so exciting. Are we going to,
I'm going to have to dance, right? Wait, no,
this isn't a dance. I'm just going to have to
mingle. Okay. Mother said, mother said, I should,
I should take him by the shoulder, then go,
my Lord, you get to dance. Show me what we've
worked on. And I kind of start to do a little
back and forth two step and wait for him to join
me. Guys, I don't know if I can do this. He starts.
He is not good. It's OK. But he is trying. He's
trying really hard to say that Lefroy is young
for his age would be a wild understatement. He
is still of age to join the ton. This is his
first year. Yeah, this is his debut. But he given
the nature of his parents and just sort of him
being the only child, he has been. protected
for his entire life and he is extraordinarily
innocent which possibly led to his outfit thinking
that more is more so as his uh faithful uh butler
valet bodyguard tutor how is Immorton decked out to
go to this most inane of events. So Immorton is
wearing his formal coveralls. They're kind of
like a mechanic's coveralls. They're his darker
and cleaner of the two pairs that he owns. He
is not wearing them yet, but once we leave the
house, he'll put on his white -ish work gloves
that he wears while on duty at all times. And
then because this is a first event in the kind
of formula he's busted out from his military
days, a pair of black leather boots that are
said to be from the Timberlands. And he found
out and has tucked it to his pants. Excellent.
God damn it. Oh, this is going to happen a lot.
Buckle up, kids. All right. Do you remember that
Lady Pilar Seltzer wants to speak with both of
you before you head out? Great. In that case,
I'll give LeFroy kind of one more look over.
And as we kind of usher out of his room, I go,
oh, little lord, have you remembered the gift
for this evening? You wouldn't want to show up
empty -handed. Uh -oh. And as he does, I reach
into my coveralls, and since it's looking quite
small in my hands, I hand him a giant bottle
of the Seltzer family's newest offering, a sparkling
drink that has been dubbed Champagne at the Bit.
And I hand it to him here. A wonderful gift to
start the season, my lord. So smart, Mr. Thalt.
You're very good at this for someone who never
had to do it. Happy. Anything for you, my boy.
Let's go get 'em. Let's go see your mother. Okay,
right. So you go down to the main foyer of the
seltzer mansion and you meet with Lady Pilar
and she looks over Lefroy's outfit. As we walk
in, I give him a little nudge and bow myself
and kind of gesture for him to do the same. And
the hat fully just...phhoof, down. Well, that is quite
a striking look, my dear. Oh, my boy. Oh, my
little man. So excited for your first social
function. And he is expressing himself. Oh, Mr.
Salt. He is... Sparkling, my lady. Oh, you. Well,
let's let him make a splash. We can always tell
him things. It's always easier to pull back than
to push forward. Whatever you say. All right.
Lady Pilar is... She is a halfling that clearly
enjoys the little luxuries that her station brings.
She is slightly curvier, slightly more bedecked
with jewels and finery. Great deal of attention
has been paid to like elaborately braided long
auburn hair and very intricate, complex makeup.
Not over the top or garish, but just very, very
precise. Both her mood and her outfit could be
described as bubbly. She's in almost constant
motion. You can't remember a non -meal time where
she has been actually stationary. She is very,
very active. And that is sort of highlighted
by the subtle crackling and popping of her dress.
While the under layer is a dark green sort of
shiny fabric, fabric, think lawn cleanup bags.
The over layer and shawl are completely composed
of various types and dimensions of bubble wrap.
So as she moves, she pops. And they refill. It
never runs out of pop. It was a very expensive
bit of artificing to get done, but it is so worth
it because she enjoys it. And it does soothe
her at times. I think during his household duties,
Salt very much appreciates it because it lets
him know what she might be up to at any time
and where he may be needed with any sense of
urgency. Yeah, you are primarily devoted to LeFroy,
but you do also help out with the rest of the
house. Now, do try to put yourself out there,
Lefroy. I want you to introduce yourself to at
least five young ladies tonight. So, who are
you going to approach? Lefroy, full deer in the
headlights. Uh, uh, uh, well, I was, I was just
saying to Mr. Thalt, uh, you remember, uh, Mr.
Thalt, uh, the lady that I was... going to introduce
myself to? Well, there's Edgewater, Miss Edgewater
from the Clarence family. I believe the Sparks
have several children who will be attending.
And then there will be lots of people that you
could introduce yourself to, but this might be
something of a start. We've met them before.
Oh, okay. Yes, yes. Yes, Mother, that is what
I shall be doing with my socializing tonight.
And don't you worry, little lord. With your effervescence
and an outfit like this, I'm sure you will not
have to do any of the approaching. And I wink
at Lady Pilar. She rolls her eyes and again,
oh you. Was effervescence too much for you? It
was all too much. Lady Pilar's husband, Lord
Pierre. comes out and as bubbly as she
is, he is flat. He is like clearly an afterthought.
But he's like, everyone ready? Okay, let's get
going. My lord. Alright. Take care of the boy.
Always. Good lad, good lad. And you Head outside
as you hear the carriage approach. Now, the carriage.
It is not entirely accurate. It is more of almost
like a rickshaw in build. It is basically the
back end of a Volkswagen Beetle that has two
long lengths of rebar welded to the sides. And
it is pulled by a centaur named Ford. To say
that this individual is jacked would do a disservice
to the term. This guy is enormous. The three
halflings have no problem fitting comfortably
in the backseat. It is spacious. Pop to a knee
and one -up them all into the... There are little
stairs built in. And especially when Ford isn't
actually carrying it. You have a shelf that is
welded to the back bumper and a couple of straps
and a crash bar to help you hold on. I think
I installed that after the first couple of attempts
of riding forward in this. It was very uncomfortable
for both of us. Yeah, neither of you like to
talk about it. No. You're cool now, but it was
an awkward day. It was just... There was no saddle.
Yeah, you had to grab somewhere. So after everyone
is in place, he looks back and asks, is everybody
comfortable? And then mutters something under
his breath. And you swear you see a small flash
of green light as he places a hand on his chest.
And then he picks up the rebar and you are off,
moving at quite the clip off towards the garden
party. Is this the first time I've seen the green
light or does this happen when he? This happens
usually when he's about to start. Okay, cool.
You're kind of looking for it now. It's a little
hard, especially because it is still sunlight,
but there's a little bit of flash on the inside
of his arm. I see what you're doing. As I see
him reach for where he touches for the light,
I kind of reach into the opening of the back
of the carriage and kind of tug at the top of
the seatbelt to make sure that LeFroy is securely
buckled in. And he is. But this is sort of...
Almost a ritual with you guys. And you take off.
And finally, that brings us over to our last
vehicle. And it is as it thunders down the road.
Ruby, your father has decided that you're going
to take the Ronco tonight. Just one of a fleet
of vehicles at your disposal as the preeminent
transportation mogul of Neo -Britannia. Your
father, the Earl of Oxford, Lord Richard Gregory
Rhinelander, has a somewhat nervous expression
this evening. He stifles a light cough, but it's
still loud enough for you to hear over the thundering
hooves of the irradicorns pulling the large
utility carriage. He's been coughing more and
more lately, but refuses to see a physician.
Turning to you, he leans forward and takes your
hands, his little halfling legs dangling off
the spacious bench seat. Are you looking forward
to the party, Ruby? I mean, I do love a party.
But, Daddy, what's the matter? Something seems
to be on your mind. Well, I mean, now, Ruby,
I didn't want to come out and say it, but I don't
want to put undue pressure. pressure on you,
but it is high time you started to think about
settling down. Now, I wish that your mother was
still around so she could help guide you through
this better, but you just can't keep turning
down suitors. But, Daddy, the people that I was
engaged to before were boring. Now, I need to
stop you there. Let's just take a good, hard
look at the fact that you had to say people and
not person. All right. I can't help it that multiple
people are after me because of my good looks,
short stature, and curvy body figure. May, we're
feeling forthright this evening, aren't we? This
is her father she's speaking to? If I had
a nickel for every time, I had to explain that
to someone. Especially my dad. It's not my fault.
You know, and I'm sure other people will be interested
in me this year. But, you know, I would just
really like for someone to, I don't know. I want
to experience love at first sight. You know,
I want to look at somebody and go, wow. Like,
do you remember? I remember seeing the Lefroys
riding somewhere. Mr. Salt was riding Ford. Like,
I want that type of tension. You know? Now, Ruby,
I'm going to overlook the fact that you just
decided to describe what you're looking for in
an ideal relationship as the condition of being
ridden. Or riding. We'll just brush on past
that for the time being. Now, I know that it's
hardly surprising that you would draw attention.
You're a very charming and outgoing young lady.
But what you do have control over is how you
lead these people on and to say yes if they were
to ask. All right, I guess I didn't realize I
was leading them on the last two times. Those
are the ones that actually went to the proposal
stage. Don't think I don't know about the others.
All right, Daddy, nothing gets past you, I guess.
But yes, no, you are right, Daddy. I will try
my best this time around. I mean, it's the first
party of the season. I have the whole season
to see all the options that are out there. You're
not making your daddy feel better. I'm sorry.
But I will say you have chosen quite the stunning
ensemble for this evening. Well, thank you. And
you see Ruby is a three -foot -three halfling
woman with strawberry blonde hair in tight curls.
She has blue eyes with freckles all over her
face. And she is wearing a... Long red gingham
dress that is clearly a picnic blanket that seems
to be burned on the edge. So there's like a little
slit that's going up on her left leg, but it
is burned. But the burn marks are encrusted with.
black diamonds and she has a and she has a uh
wicker uh purse with her and a parasol um but
you notice that the parasol is also it is a flamethrower
and so when she pushes and when she pushes the
the button on the bottom of the
barrel out pops a parasol Oh, my God. What
a woman. Okay, hold on. I'm going to claim primacy
on this. Okay, so when you started describing
that, I went to Burgess Meredith as the penguin.
The parasol is actually a flamethrower, as in
she points the parasol in a jet of flame. We're
going the other direction. She is actually carrying
a flamethrower that actually... Pops out. Like
a bang flag. Yeah, pops out. Into a parasol.
Okay, that I was about to say makes more sense,
but that's not the right phrase. All right. Black
diamonds. Do you mean chunks of coal? Is this
like a barbecue aesthetic that you've gone for?
Yeah, it's like barbecue. Chic. Yeah. But like
a little slutty. Barbecouture. Yeah. Oh my God,
Johnny. Chic filet. Chic filet. But yeah, that's
what I'm wearing. You know, I thought garden
party, I should look casual. And you have placed
yourself so that your father is on the opposite
side from the slit in the dress. Wisely so. So
you're... Making your way down the road, and
almost out of nowhere, there is a sharp crack
as you go over a bump, and the carriage develops
a pronounced shake. Nothing that's going to prevent
you from a timely arrival to the party, but it's
still notable. And now, just because I feel like
it, first roll of the game, buddy. I'm going
to need you to make a history check. All right.
Oh, that's a three on the die for a six. I mean,
it's weird. Super impressive. But, you know,
nothing really pings. And so your father Richard
pulls a tube down from the wall and calls up
to the driver. Abrams, what's going on up there?
A voice comes from the tube in a few moments.
Nothing to worry about your lordship. I think
the rut may have broken one of the shock absorbers.
I'll attend to it right away while you and Miss
Ruby are attending the festivities. Your father
seems a little unsettled, but he doesn't respond.
Oh, is everything okay, Daddy? Why, certainly,
darling. Just, well, you know, it... It doesn't
give the best of appearances for the person who
has a fleet of carriages to be showing up in
a carriage that is not, you know, top of the
line. I guess so. That's all right. It will only
be for a little bit. Don't worry. I'll walk out
and everybody's eyes will just be on me instead.
Lord, Ruby, you do not know how to settle a man's
stomach. And just because, like, this is fun,
now you get to make the second roll. I want you
to throw an insight. Oh, I'm real good at this.
We're not using that die again. Don't do it.
Oh, so that was a six, but it's minus three.
So that's a three. Oh, my God. You are lost in
the expectation of your grand entrance. You're
looking at yourself in the window. Yeah, I'm
looking at myself. Wow, I look good today. Also,
I wonder how many people are going to look at
me. One. Two. Three. And that, everybody, is
it for our first episode. Join us next time for
Lady Southmere's Garden Party. Ooh la la. Will
Samuel be accepted into this new society? Will
Edgewater find a respectable match? Will Lumpy
Chic catch on this season? Will Salt's Charge
make a smashing debut? Will Ruby's father's heart
survive another conversation with her? Find out
all or none of this on the next episode of Scandals
and Scavengers. Thank you for listening to Scandals
and Scavengers, a post -apocalyptic Regency romance
with Daniel Began as Ruby Grace Rhinelander,
Mats the Last as Lord Samuel Drake, Johnny McInerney
as Second Lieutenant Immortan Salt, Emily Carmen
Weldon as Mary Smith, Bo Powell as Edgewater
Clarence, and Evan Kelly as the Game Master.
Produced by Evan Kelly, Trope Warden, Bo Powell.
Hey, this is Daniel. Thanks for listening. If
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