I'm still here, Paris. In wet London, imagining
it'd be a different weather. Or at least a different
wetness over there. What does it matter? Does
the weather out there really matter? Well, only
to the extent of how it affects the weather within
me, I suppose. And I can get it under control
when I'm not distracted. I've been distracted,
Paris. By your beautiful buildings. By the good
pastry that even someone who always prefers rice
over bread like me craves in the morning. By
your arts. No arguments about that. By the people
around me there. By Johnny. They all make me
dream. Dream of you. Dream of being with you.
I've dreamt so hard that it seems like I'd do
whatever it takes to make it happen. But I won't.
The weather within me has been messy and my body
has been trying to tell me something isn't right.
The long-stay visa appointment is in three days,
could it be that I just got cold feet? After
all this hard work by myself, getting all the
documents ready, the invitation letter printed
and signed, albeit a few minutes before I left
you yesterday, as if I needed another sign, and
suddenly I just want to back off my Paris dream
like a scared little kid? Don't worry, I investigated
that for you. The answer is no. I am being brave,
and I am taking full responsibility of our life
together, Paris. Or at least of my own life.
In fact, this visa business has nothing to do
with you and me. I still have my British passport
to go in and out of you for 90 days every 180
days without a visa. I just have to bloody count.
I'm just not ready to use a means that doesn't
belong to me. Sure, anyone could offer you a
ride and you could pretend to agree with the
driver, whatever they say, until you get to your
destination. But a relationship isn't a ride.
And it isn't a ride I need. I can walk. At least
walking with myself, I know for sure I will always
be in alignment. Broken I may be inside, but
the truth and values holding all these pieces
together will be intact. Broken but intact, I
imagine myself walking along the Seine or some
unknown stream somewhere with a full-bodied
smile from my heart to my face and perhaps a
little dance every now and then too. Like someone
in love. Like someone free. For I'll be one with
clarity. No means, no dream is worth losing myself,
Paris. Not even you. It would have been counter-productive
to drop my values to be in a place that helped
me forge these values many years ago, to drop
myself to find myself. I'm sorry it's taken
me so long to firmly decide when I already knew
something was not right. I wanted to observe.
I wanted to be sure. I didn't want to be quick
to judge. And I've been distracted, Paris, by
your beautiful facade, by your lights, by the
weather outside. And I'm not dropping you. It's
just time for me to look inside. As Jung said,
"one who looks outside dreams, one who looks inside
awakens". It is time for me to awaken and walk
with my eyes open. Walk with your eyes open. Si jamais, t'as ton coeur.
Le 7 décembre 2025. Je t 'embrasse fort.