WEBVTT 00:00:01.099 --> 00:00:05.940 Waves. Three days until I'm with you again, Paris. 00:00:08.300 --> 00:00:12.439 I want to talk to you about waves. Not only the 00:00:12.439 --> 00:00:14.859 ones that came and went rocking the boat my friends 00:00:14.859 --> 00:00:16.920 let me use on the Thames for a few days last 00:00:16.920 --> 00:00:20.420 week and test, or rather train, my balance, which 00:00:20.420 --> 00:00:25.359 I got used to rather fast. I want to talk to 00:00:25.359 --> 00:00:29.059 you about the other waves too, and how at times 00:00:29.059 --> 00:00:33.039 I am soothed by them like a baby, other times 00:00:33.039 --> 00:00:35.280 they turn my stomach upside down and make me 00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:39.579 feel dizzy. So dizzy beyond my determination, 00:00:40.979 --> 00:00:43.280 though my determination could keep me standing. 00:00:44.659 --> 00:00:49.920 At times. I was unaware of the waves while swimming 00:00:49.920 --> 00:00:53.719 in the Seine this summer. I knew it was a long 00:00:53.719 --> 00:00:57.649 way down from where I was floating, but it didn't 00:00:57.649 --> 00:01:03.250 make me shiver either. It's always when I'm out 00:01:03.250 --> 00:01:06.689 of you that I feel this way. Carrying waves 00:01:06.689 --> 00:01:09.150 inside of me and constantly trying to settle 00:01:09.150 --> 00:01:13.329 them. To settle myself. Without a destination. 00:01:14.269 --> 00:01:20.269 Without a solid plan. Are you it? Or is it just 00:01:20.269 --> 00:01:24.409 me? With the visa requirements (fuck Brexit), 00:01:25.099 --> 00:01:28.400 I don't know if I can have you soon enough. But 00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:35.780 do I have me? The waves are at it again, asking 00:01:35.780 --> 00:01:37.879 me to feel comfortable with the uncomfortable 00:01:37.879 --> 00:01:42.099 question. Though the answer is ultimately yes. 00:01:43.019 --> 00:01:48.000 The waves follow still. But why do I quiver? 00:01:49.260 --> 00:01:53.879 Waves aren't something unfamiliar to me. I took 00:01:53.879 --> 00:01:57.159 a midnight ferry leaving my hometown 23 years 00:01:57.159 --> 00:02:01.560 ago with a bag full of dreams, uncertainty and 00:02:01.560 --> 00:02:06.000 tomorrow's lunch only. I wasn't chasing a man. 00:02:06.859 --> 00:02:11.379 I wasn't chasing money. And suspiciously, I was 00:02:11.379 --> 00:02:15.000 already famous in the country. I was only hoping 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:18.099 to find myself and feel at home, and make a few 00:02:18.099 --> 00:02:20.360 hundred thousand rupiahs from publishing poems 00:02:20.360 --> 00:02:23.120 in Indonesian national newspapers every so often 00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:26.560 to survive the big city of Jakarta, though, believe 00:02:26.560 --> 00:02:31.120 it or not, Paris was already my dream then. The 00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:33.620 French romantic conversational pocketbook I read 00:02:33.620 --> 00:02:36.000 for free after school in a Gramedia bookstore 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:42.060 in Lampung was my distressed witness. A year 00:02:42.060 --> 00:02:46.389 later, waves of confusion from my sister's death 00:02:46.389 --> 00:02:50.990 took me to another city. A year after that, came 00:02:50.990 --> 00:02:55.129 waves of motherhood when I was barely 20--the 00:02:55.129 --> 00:03:03.110 biggest of waves, and the best. Waves after waves, 00:03:03.930 --> 00:03:07.009 and ones I couldn't possibly ride, simply because 00:03:07.009 --> 00:03:10.689 I created them for myself and everyone around 00:03:10.689 --> 00:03:17.240 me, have come and gone. And here I am, about to 00:03:17.240 --> 00:03:19.539 move out of my beautiful flat in Wimbledon days 00:03:19.539 --> 00:03:22.979 before my 41st birthday, with no forwarding address 00:03:22.979 --> 00:03:26.439 and too many vague plans, including a Paris event 00:03:26.439 --> 00:03:29.719 planning venture, simply because I'm that good 00:03:29.719 --> 00:03:33.000 with people, without current reliable income 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:35.699 or hefty savings, except for a couple of flats 00:03:35.699 --> 00:03:38.639 with mortgages, having to remove my blooming 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:40.879 vintage corner because the main shop is closing 00:03:40.879 --> 00:03:44.400 down, and all I want to do is talk about waves. 00:03:47.060 --> 00:03:51.360 There I said it. And I feel less queasy already. 00:03:53.180 --> 00:03:55.539 My friend who owns the boat told me recently 00:03:55.539 --> 00:03:58.939 that if I felt woozy from the waves, it would 00:03:58.939 --> 00:04:01.139 be better to go upstairs and out to look at the 00:04:01.139 --> 00:04:05.719 water and aligned my mind with the waves. I think 00:04:05.719 --> 00:04:10.500 she's onto something here. Don't I have you, Paris? 00:04:11.789 --> 00:04:14.710 And two cool, independent and loving kids who 00:04:14.710 --> 00:04:17.970 are bizarrely proud of their dizzy mother, a 00:04:17.970 --> 00:04:20.769 silly boyfriend who is supportive of all my giddy 00:04:20.769 --> 00:04:23.850 dreams and whims, and a few good friends who 00:04:23.850 --> 00:04:26.670 have witnessed my waves, old and new, and still 00:04:26.670 --> 00:04:31.069 dare believe in me. And when all other plans 00:04:31.069 --> 00:04:36.230 fail, does it matter when I still have me? With 00:04:36.230 --> 00:04:44.660 all my waves? Sherborne. Le 31 août 2025. Je 00:04:44.660 --> 00:04:45.199 t'embrasse.