Madame est servie! Pressure's off, Paris. There has
never been any. Pressure's off. To be there with
you fully or to be here in London mostly -- I travel
around a lot anyway. Pressure's off because I can
do whatever I want -- always have been able to --
anyway, not because I always have the resources
before I make a decision, but because I am brave
enough to take the risks every single time, and
I will only be brave enough when it feels right
to me -- yup: I'm an emotional being, intensely
so. I've been trying to be reasonable looking
for ways to make my time with you sustainable.
Why does it have to be sustainable? One of the
answers is probably because changes are scary
(even scarier than Barbès metro station at late
hours), and one tends to want to stay where one
has made oneself comfortable, as it usually takes
a lot already to finally feel comfortable somewhere
(even if that somewhere is not Barbès metro
station). Am I even comfortable already? I'm fine.
I feel fine not knowing what the final result
will be, and what is the final result anyway?
There will always be changes (as the Northern
line commuters would say), that much I can predict,
as there have been a lot of changes in my life
even just in the recent year. And changes are
always scary, even if they usually lead to better
things, as they have been in my case (unlike
in the Northern line case). There were probably
a couple of occasions where I looked back and
thought: "if only I did that instead of what I did..." But those
days are long gone now, I don't have time for
regrets: today is exciting, with its changes and
challenges, with going through them as my reward.
Today, it doesn't feel right, yet, to decide to
be there with you fully. My life has been bigger
than you, with all this running around and being
pulled in all sorts of directions, even before
I added you back in the equation. I used to be
anxious to death waiting for something to happen
when I was much younger, in the town where I was
born, and since I left there, I have been moving
around constantly. Things have been happening,
to me and for me. I used to dream of simply having
a home with a dining table where everyone would
gather and share their love over meals. But my
dining table has been in different houses, different
restaurants in different parts of the world for
many years now, and it's time to recognise its
powers: it is flexible and adaptable, and it
is primed for serving wonderful food. Sometimes
I feel that you would be too small to contain
my restless mind, Paris, with your walkable size,
famous landmarks and so many people I know who
know each other. Yet I know the world might be
too big for my fragile heart, which never bends.
Sometimes I suffer random homesickness for the
sheer fact that I don't know where home is (In
this sense, I am already living a more bohemian
life than Parisian artists -- some of them anyway,
we don't want a manifestation. Just kidding,
artists don't protest anymore). The kids are big
now and they're used to witnessing all the changes
happening in my life over the years and with
all these changes they have come to realise that
although we are in three different places most
of the time, although the rest of the world has
misunderstood us (but mostly me), it has been
love that binds us together and brings us closer
and closer. It is time for me to accept that
love is my dining table, and it is flexible and
adaptable, and it is primed for serving wonderful
food. And my dining table is sturdy and extendable,
Paris; it can contain you, doesn't matter where
life takes me. Come what may, madame est servie!
Londres, le 25 mai 2025. Je t 'embrasse.