WEBVTT 00:00:01.449 --> 00:00:08.929 Je vais bien, I think. I'm okay, Paris. I feel 00:00:08.929 --> 00:00:12.369 a bit groggy, yes, from having slept about three 00:00:12.369 --> 00:00:14.109 and a half hours every day for the last three 00:00:14.109 --> 00:00:16.949 days because there aren't enough hours in a day 00:00:16.949 --> 00:00:19.890 to get things done recently. Or that's how I'd 00:00:19.890 --> 00:00:22.829 like to put it anyway -- ce n 'est pas ma faute, 00:00:22.850 --> 00:00:25.989 tu vois? (I know how much you adore it when I 00:00:25.989 --> 00:00:29.309 speak French in my silly accent) but I'm okay: 00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:33.439 for the first time in a while, I'm okay about 00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:39.119 being away from you. I'm okay, and you know I'm 00:00:39.119 --> 00:00:41.179 not saying it to emphasise that I'm actually 00:00:41.179 --> 00:00:44.579 not; you know I always make sure you don't need 00:00:44.579 --> 00:00:49.479 to guess how I feel -- non: je vais bien! Because 00:00:49.479 --> 00:00:51.700 I know I'm coming to see you in less than a week 00:00:51.700 --> 00:00:54.740 now; because I know you're always there for me -- 00:00:54.899 --> 00:00:58.079 or in me -- through my busy and chill mornings, 00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:01.100 and through my grossly-misunderstood sleepless 00:01:01.100 --> 00:01:04.640 nights; because I know I'm doing everything I 00:01:04.640 --> 00:01:10.379 can to make us work -- you, me, and London; because 00:01:10.379 --> 00:01:12.700 when you're doing everything you can, there's 00:01:12.700 --> 00:01:16.640 nothing left to do, or to control -- oh, j 'adore 00:01:16.640 --> 00:01:22.159 this word here! Do I miss you? Like letters in 00:01:22.159 --> 00:01:26.040 a book miss a pair of eyes. All right, maybe 00:01:26.040 --> 00:01:27.920 those letters can live without a pair of eyes -- 00:01:28.700 --> 00:01:31.900 untouched, unread, uninterpreted, ununderstood 00:01:31.900 --> 00:01:35.579 (like some loneliness), but, still: what a waste 00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:38.879 (unlike loneliness), and I'm not about to waste 00:01:38.879 --> 00:01:42.540 my existence without a fight. I'm not fighting, 00:01:42.599 --> 00:01:45.980 though: I strut daintily in a vintage outfit 00:01:45.980 --> 00:01:49.120 during the day (I've even got my own vintage 00:01:49.120 --> 00:01:51.180 and designers corner opened in Wimbledon now, 00:01:51.299 --> 00:01:53.599 where you can find your treasures and even sit 00:01:53.599 --> 00:01:55.939 down by the shop window and read my printed Paris 00:01:55.939 --> 00:01:59.250 memoirs -- check out @fromdiattic on instagram 00:01:59.250 --> 00:02:03.689 for more) and I think deeply -- sometimes about 00:02:03.689 --> 00:02:06.870 doing admin -- in the darkest hours of the night 00:02:06.870 --> 00:02:14.849 because: que faire d'autre? All right. Maybe I miss you deeper 00:02:14.849 --> 00:02:18.349 than that pretentious analogy (couldn't help 00:02:18.349 --> 00:02:21.909 myself -- didn't want to), but there is so much 00:02:21.909 --> 00:02:26.069 calm sneakily infused in me recently. Like 00:02:26.280 --> 00:02:32.740 trust. Sneaky trust. Ah, might as well, especially 00:02:32.740 --> 00:02:34.979 with the uncomfortable chaos of growth flying 00:02:34.979 --> 00:02:37.180 around in the air for me to catch faster than 00:02:37.180 --> 00:02:42.500 the spring's hay fever. Will it last? And besides, 00:02:42.780 --> 00:02:46.620 is it calm or is it exhaustion? From missing 00:02:46.620 --> 00:02:50.659 you too much, par exemple? Is it trust or is 00:02:50.659 --> 00:02:54.580 it lack of time to dwell in doubts? Too many 00:02:54.580 --> 00:03:00.759 questions, Dina. And why settle? Why settle indeed? 00:03:01.740 --> 00:03:04.300 Only four weeks ago I declared I didn't miss 00:03:04.300 --> 00:03:07.319 you; that I belonged with you; that there was 00:03:07.319 --> 00:03:10.099 this achy feeling between my chest and my belly 00:03:10.099 --> 00:03:13.319 button, and now I think I'm okay about not being 00:03:13.319 --> 00:03:16.139 with you right now, right this second -- whoa, 00:03:16.259 --> 00:03:18.900 whoa, whoa, whoa -- the minutes are still hard, 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:24.500 d'accord? But I'm okay. I guess I'm okay with the 00:03:24.500 --> 00:03:30.280 hardship now. For now. I guess there isn't really 00:03:30.280 --> 00:03:33.580 much to say about being okay, is there? Except 00:03:33.580 --> 00:03:36.500 the list of contrasting states to being okay -- 00:03:37.259 --> 00:03:40.900 like being anxious to breathe you whatever I 00:03:40.900 --> 00:03:45.259 do, but then I might suddenly not be okay anymore 00:03:45.259 --> 00:03:50.580 halfway through the list. Oui, suddenly -- how 00:03:50.580 --> 00:03:53.659 unfair does that sound -- while the process of 00:03:53.659 --> 00:03:57.169 getting to being okay happens gradually. Sneakily, 00:03:57.169 --> 00:04:03.289 gradually. Je vais bien, Paris. I shouldn't get 00:04:03.289 --> 00:04:06.889 used to it, but I'm grateful for it. I have been 00:04:06.889 --> 00:04:10.210 doing everything I can to make us work -- you, 00:04:10.449 --> 00:04:14.389 me, and London, and so it is time for things 00:04:14.389 --> 00:04:19.189 to happen and to unfold, for me, for us, without 00:04:19.189 --> 00:04:21.730 much interference from my faux Parisian self, 00:04:22.250 --> 00:04:24.949 and without any influence from my self-deprecating 00:04:24.949 --> 00:04:28.949 British mind. It is time for things to happen 00:04:28.949 --> 00:04:34.509 and to unfold. Suddenly or gradually. For us. 00:04:35.269 --> 00:04:35.970 For me.