Welcome to Our Voices Our Future, the podcast
where we amplify the voices driving change and
equity within medicine and beyond. Brought to
you by the Gender Equity Task Force, a committee
of the American Medical Women's Association.
We're here to challenge norms, break barriers
and ignite conversations that matter. I'm Brea
Monohur and in each episode we'll bring you candid
discussions with leaders, change makers and advocates
working to create a more inclusive and just world.
No more silence, no more waiting. You're listening
to Our Voices, Our Future. Let's get into it.
Today we're welcoming Jacqueline Hidalgo. She's
a third year med student at St. George's University,
born and raised in Long Island, New York. She
has a bachelor of arts in psychology with a minor
in chemistry from New York University. She served
as vice president for the St. George's University.
Neurodiversity Allies Society, where she contributed
to educational outreach on neurodevelopmental
disabilities, supported student and family initiatives,
organized community engagement activities, assisted
with fundraising efforts to promote inclusion
and accessibility. She's also a member of the
Gender Equity Task Force Committee within the
American Medical Women's Association. At SGU,
she has served in student leadership through
both the pediatrics and psychology clubs as a
class. representative and member advocating for
campus initiatives and student support. Outside
of medicine, she enjoys singing, learning new
instruments like the ukulele, reading cheesy
romance novels, and spending quality time with
her family and friends. Thank you so much for
being here today, Jackie. Thank you so much for
having me. It's my pleasure. So kind of to start
off, can you tell us a little bit about who you
are and what drew you to medicine in the first
place? Yeah, so I'm someone who has always been
deeply curious and compassionate about people
and their stories. And I just always knew that
I wanted to help people understand them and impact
their lives in a positive way. I fell in love
with medicine because I saw how powerful it is
to sit with somebody in a vulnerable moment and
be somebody that they can trust. And that responsibility
felt very sacred to me. There's something about
caring for children that feels both incredibly
joyful and deeply meaningful to me. They're very
resilient and honest and full of possibilities.
And being someone that can protect that possibility
feels like a privilege to me. And a big part
of my inspiration came from my brother, who's
actually currently a pediatric endocrinology
fellow. And watching his journey has just been
something that's been incredibly motivating for
me. And I've seen what it takes, you know, the
sacrifice and the long nice and discipline, but
I've also seen the relationships that he builds
with his family. over the years and how deeply
he cares for his patients. And that showed me
that medicine isn't just about mastering content.
It's about consistency and integrity and earning
the trust over time with your patients. And for
me, medicine became a place that my love for
science and my desire to serve people kind of
intersected. While it challenges me intellectually,
more than that, it challenged me to grow as a
person. And I've come to realize that that growth,
especially when it's uncomfortable, is exactly
where I'm meant to be. Well, thank you so much
for kind of sharing that introduction to your
journey with us. You and I have talked a little
bit about You've shared that a male chemistry
professor once told you to quit and pursue something
easier. Can you kind of take our listeners back
to that moment, what it felt like sitting there
hearing those words? Yeah. So I had walked into
his office asking for some help on how to improve
and how to adjust my studying. And I had expected
mentorship and guidance. And instead, I was told
that I didn't have what it takes to make it in
medicine. And so I should just quit and consider
something easier. And it felt like all of the
air in the room just like left completely. I
remember sitting there trying to hold it together
and just not cry. I didn't want him to see me
cry. But inside I felt like completely blindsided
and I was starting to have a panic attack. I
just I thought that I was just there for support
and I wasn't really prepared to defend my abilities,
especially at the collegiate level. And when
I left, I remember I went to the park and I cried
on a bench alone. And after a while, I calmed
myself down. And I sat for a long time asking
myself a very difficult question. Am I actually
cut out for this? I remember feeling very small
and embarrassed and angry. And there's a very
particular sting when somebody that you kind
of looked up to as an educator implies that you're
not cut out for something that you care so deeply
about. And after thinking about it for a while,
I realized that in that moment, if I quit, it
wouldn't be because I had reached my limit. It
would be because I let one person's opinion define
my capacity, and I couldn't live with that. So
I made the decision that I told myself, you know,
you have to try. When you fail, you try again.
And I was scared. But I remember, like, that
moment didn't just solidify my commitment to
medicine. It taught me that adversity doesn't
get the final word in my life and what I choose
to do with it. Definitely. I appreciate your
vulnerability and sharing that experience. I
think it's something that a lot of us can relate
to in different capacities. Being told that this
maybe isn't the path for you or something like
that. So you've talked about being called sweetheart
and seeing other women quit after having similar
experiences to you. How did she distinguish between
imposter syndrome and that internalization of
the subtle or not so subtle misogyny? Yeah, being
called sweetheart in any kind of like academic
or professional setting, like really especially
when you're working hard to establish that credibility,
it feels dismissive and belittling and kind of
maybe just feel less than and in those when those
moments accumulate, you know, they can start
to shape how you see yourself. So for imposter
syndrome, That's like when the voice in my head's
telling me I'm not good enough. But that internalized
misogyny, when you have that external bias that
just gets absorbed over and over, it starts to
sound like your own voice in your head whispering,
maybe they're right. Maybe you aren't good enough
for this. And the difference for me was being
able to actually recognize the pattern. So my
doubt often intensified after moments when I
felt minimized. And that wasn't like, a coincidence,
you know, that was a reaction to what I was being
told. And I just had to learn to pause and ask
myself, is this doubt coming from my actual performances?
Or is this just from someone else's projection
and view of me? And that awareness has made me
a lot more reflective and more empathetic. Because
patients, especially women and young patients,
they experience plenty of dismissal too. And
understanding what that feels like to be subtly
or not so subtly undermined has made me more
intentional about how I speak to people. And
just knowing that respect isn't small. The language
that you use matters, and it affects people.
For sure. And I love what you shared there about
taking that time, taking that moment to reflect
and figure out if it's you or just the environment
around you. And I think that's something that
people are gonna be able to take away. You've
experienced some setbacks in your medical journey.
Talk to me about what your internal dialogue
has kind of been during those times. Yeah, so
repeating term four was definitely one of the
most humbling experiences of my life. I felt
very embarrassed and very exposed. And almost
immediately in that moment, I heard that same
chemistry professor's voice in my head saying,
maybe you're not cut out for this. And I feel
like in a way, I'd proven him right. Watching
my friends move forward while I stayed back was
really painful for me and I found myself comparing
myself and where I was at in my journey constantly
and I was really frustrated that I didn't absorb
the material as quickly as some of my peers and
I was really angry at myself and eventually I
knew that I had to make a choice on whether or
not I'm going to let that narrative define me
or if I wanted to rewrite it going forward and
I realized that struggling didn't mean that i
was incapable it just meant that i needed to
adapt and i did so i changed how i studied i
asked more questions i saw feedback instead of
avoiding it because it felt uncomfortable i became
much more deliberate instead of just relying
on what had worked before and. Failure stopped
being something that disqualified me, but more
so it turned into being something that shaped
how I move forward. And I learned to separate
my performance from my worth. Instead of I failed,
it became that attempt failed. How can I move
forward? What can I do to adjust? And that shift
changed me and it made me more accountable. and
more disciplined. And I won't pretend that I
always respond perfectly in those moments, but
now I recover a lot faster. And the self -criticism
is a lot shorter and the self -compassion is
a lot stronger now. For sure. So kind of talk
to me a little bit more about that. How do you
separate a temporary academic setback from what
you view as your future identity as a physician?
Yeah. I mean, Especially when so much of medicine
feels like you have to be perfect and you have
to be the most well -rounded student and having
all the extracurriculars. It feels very difficult
to be able to separate them, but taking a moment
to yourself to actually look back on all of the
accomplishments that you have made thus far and
getting into medical school on its own is a huge
accomplishment. Again, getting this far in clinical
rotations is a huge accomplishment. And just
having those little moments with yourself where
you can ground yourself and remind yourself that
you didn't make it here for nothing. You worked
very difficult, very hard to get where you're
at. And just because you have a minor setback
doesn't mean that you're not cut out for this
or that you haven't earned your spot here. Sure.
And I think that's something that a lot of people
need to hear. I think a lot of medical school,
and even into different versions of graduate
school, it's all about that perfection, that
linear story. And so many people's journeys aren't
that way, but we so rarely hear them in order
to be like, OK, I can do this too. Yeah, I feel
like a lot of the time, academic setbacks are
very temporary. But the character growth that
you get from it is very longitudinal. And it
may feel like that just because you're failing
or that your path hasn't been as linear as everybody
else or the people that are around you, it doesn't
mean that you're doing something wrong. And repeating
that term actually forced me to. face my weaknesses
head on and to really look introspectively and
how to receive feedback without being defensive
and how to just sit in the discomfort of what
happened without shutting down entirely. You
know, I feel like a good physician is someone
who can tolerate that discomfort and own their
mistakes grow from feedback and persist when
things get hard. And ironically, that setback
strengthened those all those traits in me. And
I account that setback to being who I am now
and how I keep going forward even when things
get hard. I wanna shift that focus from you to
kind of the institution, right? Because the way
that we perceive medicine, the way that we learn
medicine. is a part of what leads people to believe
that that perfection, that linear path is still
necessary. So what do you wish medical schools
from both an administration and even a faculty
level did differently to support students who
needed to remediate or needed more support? Yeah
well remediation is inherently very emotionally
heavy and it's not just like having to sit there
and repeat the content over it's watching your
support system move ahead without you it's very
isolated in. This failure that you've had and
the setback and i think that my school actually
did something very. Wonderful for me which was
placing me in a small group facilitator led lecture
format and that was not only personal but very
interactive and i could ask questions in real
time about the lecture material i could clarify
any misunderstandings and engage directly with
a doctor who could explain the material and it
may be a different way that wasn't. offered in
the regular lecture format. And that not only
improved my comprehension, but it also helped
to restore my confidence a little bit each day.
I feel that oftentimes, sometimes when you fail
or you have to remediate these administrations
or the medical schools kind of just let you figure
it out on your own. And I feel that if there
was some kind of disconnect the first time you
took the course, then there needs to be a more
one on one personal connection when you go through
it again, because otherwise it's just kind of
very overwhelming. to be getting all of that
information back and to feel like you don't really
know where to start. And having somebody who's
there with you and acknowledges what you've been
through and just wants to help you move forward
in the best way possible for your education,
I feel that needs to be much more implemented
across multiple medical schools. And they should
really normalize that academic recovery because
that mentorship is, I think, what saved me. you
know, having check -ins proactively with students,
creating spaces where students can ask questions
without fear of being judged or fear of any stigma
around them. And struggle should trigger support,
not silence, you know? Definitely. For those
who are listening, who just failed an exam or
were told that they aren't good enough, particularly
in this medical school setting, what would you
say to them right now? I would tell them to take
a breath that this is a moment in life and not
a measure of your worth whatsoever. Someone else's
limited view of you become your internal ceiling
you know like you are allowed to struggle and
you're allowed to feel hurt but don't quit on
yourself because somebody else couldn't see your
potential something that I always say to myself
and to my friends is to just keep moving forward
even if it's slow and it's uncomfortable and
even if you're afraid. I was very scared and
I doubted myself you know I cried in the park
questioning whether I. belonged, but I stayed.
And if my story can reach one person even who
is just sitting in their car after failing an
exam, wondering if they should give up, I hope
they choose to stay too. I hope that they never
let adversity define themselves. Never let anybody
limit your capabilities. Because if the dream
is still there, then you need to fight for it.
Definitely. Well, this has been so wonderful
to talk to you and get to hear your story. That's
a wrap on this episode of Our Voices, Our Future.
We hope today's conversation inspired you, challenged
you, and reminded you of the power of raising
your voice. The fight for equity doesn't stop
here. Join us in the movement. Subscribe wherever
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it. Until next time, stay bold, stay vocal, and
keep the conversation going. This is our voices,
our future.