WEBVTT 00:00:00.330 --> 00:00:06.830 Tough questions. Honest answers. Oh, the messy 00:00:06.830 --> 00:00:14.449 truth. Your perspectives. Let's begin. Welcome 00:00:14.449 --> 00:00:23.570 to Kaleidoscope. Hello, internet. Welcome to 00:00:23.570 --> 00:00:27.750 this yet -to -be -named podcast. My name is Rumi 00:00:27.750 --> 00:00:33.380 Reilio. And I am sitting with my friend, Kira. 00:00:34.179 --> 00:00:38.780 Kira, introduce yourself. Oh, thank you. So I'm 00:00:38.780 --> 00:00:42.060 Kira. I'm based here in South Africa. I am 30 00:00:42.060 --> 00:00:45.560 years old. Pronouns are she, they. I've been 00:00:45.560 --> 00:00:48.539 trying to transition for the past few years since 00:00:48.539 --> 00:00:53.079 I think about 2022, actually, but goes back much 00:00:53.079 --> 00:00:56.039 longer. And I'm also a content creator. I've 00:00:56.039 --> 00:00:59.380 had a YouTube channel since, well, Saturn 18, 00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:03.759 which is back in 2013. I've got about 10 ,000 00:01:03.759 --> 00:01:05.340 subscribers, which is nothing in the YouTube 00:01:05.340 --> 00:01:09.340 world, but I mainly do videos focused on breaking 00:01:09.340 --> 00:01:12.540 free from religion, repressive structures, and 00:01:12.540 --> 00:01:14.859 also just learning how to be yourself authentically, 00:01:15.180 --> 00:01:17.400 getting in touch with who you really are and 00:01:17.400 --> 00:01:20.840 seeing through the lies of society. I also do 00:01:20.840 --> 00:01:24.920 a lot of things to look out for interpersonally, 00:01:24.939 --> 00:01:28.189 but mainly I focus on Breaking free from toxic 00:01:28.189 --> 00:01:31.209 groups and religions, cults. I've spoken a lot 00:01:31.209 --> 00:01:34.269 about them. And yeah, but, uh, currently like 00:01:34.269 --> 00:01:37.170 my channel's in a bit of a gray area where kind 00:01:37.170 --> 00:01:40.189 of exploring where to go next. And, uh, but the 00:01:40.189 --> 00:01:42.069 big thing I do know is I want to get in touch. 00:01:43.310 --> 00:01:45.909 Yes. It's transitioning while I'm transitioning. 00:01:46.370 --> 00:01:50.189 Yes. So transitioning squared and, uh, trans 00:01:50.189 --> 00:01:53.370 squared. There you go. That's a great new name 00:01:53.370 --> 00:01:58.909 for it. Like a rebrand. Yeah, transgrid. So yeah, 00:01:59.750 --> 00:02:02.790 a big part of it is being in touch with fellow 00:02:02.790 --> 00:02:07.450 creators from around the world. You're obviously 00:02:07.450 --> 00:02:10.289 from South Africa, but it's just being in touch 00:02:10.289 --> 00:02:14.229 with the trans community here in South Africa, 00:02:14.909 --> 00:02:16.870 people who have originated from all over the 00:02:16.870 --> 00:02:19.750 world, standing together in solidarity in the 00:02:19.750 --> 00:02:22.039 face of... everything that's happening around 00:02:22.039 --> 00:02:24.719 the globe. And yeah, that's pretty much where 00:02:24.719 --> 00:02:27.560 things are going. Like I said, it's authentic 00:02:27.560 --> 00:02:31.500 loving. You can't really do that without a supportive 00:02:31.500 --> 00:02:33.860 community. So yeah, so I'm excited to see where 00:02:33.860 --> 00:02:35.680 things go. It's been a big change. It's been 00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:37.800 a big scary change, but I'm excited to be here 00:02:37.800 --> 00:02:41.120 and yeah, I'm very hopeful. You said all of that 00:02:41.120 --> 00:02:43.659 like you're some kind of veteran in this world 00:02:43.659 --> 00:02:47.759 and I feel like such a noob because we all have 00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:51.849 a different journey. Yeah, sure. Okay. Well, 00:02:51.870 --> 00:02:56.810 I've never said this online, I guess. I started 00:02:56.810 --> 00:03:02.949 really transitioning. My proverbial egg didn't 00:03:02.949 --> 00:03:05.810 just crack. It was thrown against a wall and 00:03:05.810 --> 00:03:11.669 viciously stomped on about three months before 00:03:11.669 --> 00:03:18.729 Halloween 2023. And I realized that I had been 00:03:20.539 --> 00:03:25.360 Just lying to myself. I was honestly driving 00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:32.020 home from work and thinking about self -delete 00:03:32.020 --> 00:03:37.800 and just wondering what speed it would take to 00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:43.580 guarantee the end in my car. Um, and unsure of 00:03:43.580 --> 00:03:46.099 what that would be because electric cars are 00:03:46.099 --> 00:03:48.659 kind of safe. It's not a Tesla. If you're wondering, 00:03:49.099 --> 00:03:55.280 fuck you, Elon Musk, but, um, yeah, we can agree 00:03:55.280 --> 00:04:04.520 there too. Anyway, yes. And I was like, okay, 00:04:04.520 --> 00:04:07.780 I need to start doing something. And one of the 00:04:07.780 --> 00:04:10.280 things that really kind of gave me a lot of euphoria 00:04:10.280 --> 00:04:15.060 was starting to cross -dress. And I thought like, 00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:17.459 because I'd been doing it for a long time, actually, 00:04:17.879 --> 00:04:22.000 but in total denial. And I decided that the first 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:23.800 time I'm ever going to go out was Halloween, 00:04:25.339 --> 00:04:28.560 when the veil is the thinnest between the genders, 00:04:28.759 --> 00:04:37.319 so to speak. So I cross -dressed and then I continued 00:04:37.319 --> 00:04:40.100 cross -dressing. And one of the big factors was 00:04:40.100 --> 00:04:45.319 finally breaking through like financial struggles 00:04:45.319 --> 00:04:49.660 that I had been. I was in, for about four years, 00:04:49.740 --> 00:04:54.480 I'd been digging myself out of debt. And then 00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:58.819 anyway, so I realized that I was, I needed to 00:04:58.819 --> 00:05:03.670 do something, but All I wanted to do was address 00:05:03.670 --> 00:05:06.910 more realistically. Now, if you're an experienced 00:05:06.910 --> 00:05:11.970 psychologist, you might go, oh, that's dysphoria. 00:05:13.529 --> 00:05:18.410 But for Ray, it was experimental. So I was like, 00:05:18.550 --> 00:05:21.689 just experiment, just experiment more and more. 00:05:21.949 --> 00:05:24.410 And then I was walking through pharmacies, literally 00:05:24.410 --> 00:05:30.370 looking for misplaced estrogen. I spoke in a 00:05:30.370 --> 00:05:33.949 podcast before about my breakthrough moment when 00:05:33.949 --> 00:05:36.810 I had a box of pills in my hand. And I just realized 00:05:36.810 --> 00:05:43.029 that I would never put that back. Yeah, that 00:05:43.029 --> 00:05:50.129 was December last year. So I have been medically 00:05:50.129 --> 00:05:53.509 transitioning for just over eight months. And 00:05:53.509 --> 00:05:56.430 that is why I feel like a noob when you say you're 00:05:56.430 --> 00:06:00.769 going on since 2022. That's crazy. Yeah, it's 00:06:00.769 --> 00:06:02.670 uh, it is quite a journey when you first go on 00:06:02.670 --> 00:06:05.889 those pulls I like for me I can relate my journey 00:06:05.889 --> 00:06:09.829 so the the egg crack or actually, you know because 00:06:09.829 --> 00:06:12.990 it's Gets more of a shell crack to be honest 00:06:12.990 --> 00:06:15.149 because like I was aware that i'm different when 00:06:15.149 --> 00:06:20.009 I was a child but of course, you know being raised 00:06:20.009 --> 00:06:25.110 in a very religious environment you You're taught 00:06:25.110 --> 00:06:29.660 not to show parts of yourself and so since like 00:06:29.660 --> 00:06:32.079 the age of 12, that's when I first started going 00:06:32.079 --> 00:06:33.699 through puberty. And then they were telling me 00:06:33.699 --> 00:06:35.660 things like, you know, you're going to get a 00:06:35.660 --> 00:06:37.980 deep voice. You're going to become incredibly 00:06:37.980 --> 00:06:42.639 hairy, which I am now. And there's going to be 00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:44.660 all kinds of changes. And I was like, no, thanks, 00:06:44.660 --> 00:06:46.560 you know, swipe, a swipe left on those changes. 00:06:46.740 --> 00:06:51.680 Thank you very much. But yeah, it hurts. Hard 00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:55.500 pass. Yes. And then like, yeah, it is to say, 00:06:57.240 --> 00:07:00.220 I was told if I ever, like, try and show the 00:07:00.220 --> 00:07:02.720 side of myself again, it would be the end of 00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:07.040 me. So I pretty much just decided to wear the 00:07:07.040 --> 00:07:09.899 mask for my own safety. And since then, it's 00:07:09.899 --> 00:07:12.560 pretty much just been, I felt disconnected with 00:07:12.560 --> 00:07:15.620 the world around me. Like even now still, it's 00:07:15.620 --> 00:07:17.300 very hard for me to actually, you know, come 00:07:17.300 --> 00:07:20.600 out of my shell and, you know, feel at one with 00:07:20.600 --> 00:07:25.000 the world as it were. It was only around 2022 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:28.699 that we, when we moved back to Pretoria in Monument 00:07:28.699 --> 00:07:32.000 Park, when I was like, you know, going through 00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:34.660 this, this egg crack again, coming back out of 00:07:34.660 --> 00:07:37.180 my shell. And it was like the weirdest, most 00:07:37.180 --> 00:07:40.160 random thing that like, you know, seeing a beautiful 00:07:40.160 --> 00:07:42.399 woman be like, I want to be her. The thought 00:07:42.399 --> 00:07:46.740 hit me like, you know, like, um, a speeding train. 00:07:47.079 --> 00:07:49.379 I've had that thought many times before, but 00:07:49.379 --> 00:07:51.319 I've always like, you know, kept it one side. 00:07:52.079 --> 00:07:56.139 this time I actually listened and When I was 00:07:56.139 --> 00:08:00.279 when I that he hit me I was like, well, you know, 00:08:00.899 --> 00:08:04.040 I Don't know. Can we swear on this podcast? Yeah, 00:08:04.120 --> 00:08:06.800 go for it. I was like, well, I've already fucked 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:11.339 Elon Musk once. Oh, yeah Whoa, that's once too 00:08:11.339 --> 00:08:21.360 many Yeah No, no, no, please. Couldn't be good 00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:28.399 with him. Yeah. So I was like, well, shit, what 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:34.059 am I going to do now? And then pretty much decided 00:08:34.059 --> 00:08:37.019 from there to, you know, start seeing a shrink, 00:08:37.240 --> 00:08:39.220 I guess, or therapist, let's just call it, call 00:08:39.220 --> 00:08:43.200 them that. And my first therapy experience was 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:45.500 also like, I also did think about, you know, 00:08:45.799 --> 00:08:48.960 self delete, you know, off of a balcony. I don't 00:08:48.960 --> 00:08:50.600 think the balcony was high enough, so that would 00:08:50.600 --> 00:08:52.539 have been an incredibly stupid thing in any case. 00:08:52.919 --> 00:08:55.120 But, well, it's stupid anyway you do it, but 00:08:55.120 --> 00:08:57.179 still, it probably would not have been... Yeah, 00:08:57.179 --> 00:08:59.600 I'm on the 21st floor, by the way. That was a 00:08:59.600 --> 00:09:01.460 scary thing because there are no safety bars 00:09:01.460 --> 00:09:06.120 on this building. Yeah, and yeah, that would 00:09:06.120 --> 00:09:09.980 be pretty scary. So, for me, I was just like, 00:09:10.100 --> 00:09:15.000 well, look, I'm going to look for help. And my 00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:18.039 first therapist wasn't... Let's say the the greatest 00:09:18.039 --> 00:09:21.139 she did guide me to a lot of realizations like 00:09:21.139 --> 00:09:23.059 I did finally meet one of my goals and that's 00:09:23.059 --> 00:09:26.740 moving into my own apartment and Everything and 00:09:26.740 --> 00:09:30.100 I mean I can go on at length in detail about 00:09:30.100 --> 00:09:32.039 goal -setting You know, I'm very productivity 00:09:32.039 --> 00:09:35.120 focused but also like achieving goals a lot of 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:37.779 times that you realize just how Actually point 00:09:37.779 --> 00:09:40.340 us that on in a lot of respects because I mean 00:09:40.340 --> 00:09:42.600 having my own place and everything signed in 00:09:42.600 --> 00:09:45.820 my name was also a lot of stress that also kept 00:09:45.820 --> 00:09:49.279 me stuck in a bad environment, which I'm now 00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:53.600 thankfully out of, but when I moved into my own 00:09:53.600 --> 00:09:56.100 place, like I remember I was so deeply depressed 00:09:56.100 --> 00:09:58.000 at the time. I was also going through a romantic 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:01.919 heartbreak, you know, like I was laid on and 00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:05.159 just, I felt like absolutely disgusted with myself. 00:10:05.200 --> 00:10:06.960 And I mean, I was sitting in an apartment and 00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:09.100 a completely empty apartment because I never 00:10:09.100 --> 00:10:13.440 bought furniture for the place because I don't 00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:15.360 know why, like, you know, I just wanted to live 00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:18.720 as minimalistically as possible. And then, uh, 00:10:18.759 --> 00:10:20.740 yeah, just, you know, sitting there in the bathtub 00:10:20.740 --> 00:10:23.820 depressed and wondering what I'm going to do 00:10:23.820 --> 00:10:26.539 now. And as I was like going through things in 00:10:26.539 --> 00:10:30.779 2023, and it was also, this was in South Africa, 00:10:30.960 --> 00:10:34.019 2022, like that point, December going into January 00:10:34.019 --> 00:10:36.220 was a very rough time. It was stage eight load 00:10:36.220 --> 00:10:39.659 shedding power was awful, like 12, 14 hours a 00:10:39.659 --> 00:10:43.750 day. And I was like ground zero there. Yeah. 00:10:43.929 --> 00:10:47.750 Yeah. Because I had to, you know, help run some 00:10:47.750 --> 00:10:50.309 generators for a company that I was working with 00:10:50.309 --> 00:10:52.929 through my own company at the time. And because 00:10:52.929 --> 00:10:55.750 their manual switchovers had broken. So then 00:10:55.750 --> 00:10:58.110 I would have to go like just simply turn a key. 00:10:58.470 --> 00:11:00.850 But it was like every two or four hours that 00:11:00.850 --> 00:11:03.750 you had to go and do it. So then I was waking 00:11:03.750 --> 00:11:07.929 up at weird hours and it was a crazy time. And, 00:11:07.970 --> 00:11:10.399 you know, like was the guys to come and refuel 00:11:10.399 --> 00:11:12.320 the generators were arriving just in the nick 00:11:12.320 --> 00:11:14.039 of time. There was one time the generator was 00:11:14.039 --> 00:11:17.179 running on zero percent and that was still running, 00:11:17.340 --> 00:11:19.399 but that was, that was pretty scary because I 00:11:19.399 --> 00:11:22.620 mean, if it burns out, then you have to push 00:11:22.620 --> 00:11:24.740 oil through the whole engine and take it apart. 00:11:25.480 --> 00:11:29.360 Yeah. But the, so the point was like, I was stuck 00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:31.980 in this routine, you know, like trying to like 00:11:31.980 --> 00:11:34.860 basically acting like a robot, you know, just 00:11:34.860 --> 00:11:37.700 I'm just like a machine now completely disconnected 00:11:37.700 --> 00:11:40.649 from myself. And then I changed therapists to 00:11:40.649 --> 00:11:43.470 somebody who's non -binary and very, and of course 00:11:43.470 --> 00:11:46.929 trans affirming. And we, we started working through 00:11:46.929 --> 00:11:50.049 the issues in more detail, but it was like a 00:11:50.049 --> 00:11:53.649 very slow kind of, you know, introduction. Like 00:11:53.649 --> 00:11:55.470 the first therapist tried to rush me through 00:11:55.470 --> 00:11:58.129 a lot of things. And I think that actually worked 00:11:58.129 --> 00:12:00.710 against a lot of the progress I was making. And 00:12:00.710 --> 00:12:03.549 so then in 2023 really was my year of like actually 00:12:03.549 --> 00:12:05.690 finally coming to terms with a lot of things. 00:12:05.889 --> 00:12:09.889 It was only like around. In 2023, I did actually 00:12:09.889 --> 00:12:13.669 like go on hormones. I did see a doctor and everything. 00:12:14.570 --> 00:12:17.830 But then after about 11 days, I left it. There 00:12:17.830 --> 00:12:20.490 was actually like a sense of relief when I left 00:12:20.490 --> 00:12:22.250 it because I was like, okay, thankfully I don't 00:12:22.250 --> 00:12:24.570 have to go through this. But then about a month 00:12:24.570 --> 00:12:27.009 after that, everything came crashing down again. 00:12:29.590 --> 00:12:33.049 Because I also realized I was using the work 00:12:33.049 --> 00:12:36.090 I was doing as an escape from how I was feeling. 00:12:36.330 --> 00:12:39.649 and it was you know, you're acting on all the 00:12:39.649 --> 00:12:41.990 pilot which is like with dissociation as you're 00:12:41.990 --> 00:12:44.649 literally watching yourself you're feeling so 00:12:44.649 --> 00:12:49.230 disconnected and I eventually like tried to connect 00:12:49.230 --> 00:12:50.850 with other people but there was always like this 00:12:50.850 --> 00:12:53.850 wall between me and other people it's because 00:12:53.850 --> 00:12:58.909 like um it just never felt like okay i'm safe 00:12:58.909 --> 00:13:01.269 in the safe environment where can i start transitioning 00:13:01.269 --> 00:13:04.919 and So things went along and like a lot of things 00:13:04.919 --> 00:13:07.039 happen. I mean, I can probably write a whole 00:13:07.039 --> 00:13:09.000 book about all the things that happened in this 00:13:09.000 --> 00:13:12.620 amount of time. Uh, and then 2024 came around 00:13:12.620 --> 00:13:14.700 and I started transitioning again. I took it 00:13:14.700 --> 00:13:16.899 more seriously this time. I was like, I'm committed. 00:13:17.000 --> 00:13:20.580 I'm going to do this. And then as, as I was busy 00:13:20.580 --> 00:13:22.980 transitioning, I came to terms with a lot of 00:13:22.980 --> 00:13:25.500 the reality of my dissociation, just how severe 00:13:25.500 --> 00:13:27.940 things were. And doing that first transition, 00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:30.519 I was also, you know, exploring alternative lifestyles, 00:13:30.679 --> 00:13:33.679 going a bit nuts and. You know also dissociating 00:13:33.679 --> 00:13:36.340 from that and you know, even now still it's kind 00:13:36.340 --> 00:13:39.460 of kind of scary like um, some of the things 00:13:39.460 --> 00:13:42.659 that Some of the spaces I found myself in because 00:13:42.659 --> 00:13:45.759 I was like selling odds with myself Um that growing 00:13:45.759 --> 00:13:48.299 up so being you know, the good child i'm the 00:13:48.299 --> 00:13:50.399 oldest child So I was always held responsible 00:13:50.399 --> 00:13:54.419 until this extremely high standard You too. Yeah, 00:13:54.419 --> 00:13:56.340 like the oldest child problem is you always got 00:13:56.340 --> 00:13:58.659 to overachieve and it never feels like enough 00:13:58.659 --> 00:14:04.190 when you actually do it so Then yeah, they I 00:14:04.190 --> 00:14:06.830 would be like and and this was like without any 00:14:06.830 --> 00:14:10.289 alcohol or drugs like we like ETC then since 00:14:10.289 --> 00:14:12.190 you're and I was like busy on the dance floor 00:14:12.190 --> 00:14:14.929 up until four in the morning you know like you 00:14:14.929 --> 00:14:16.929 know and I still wouldn't be able to sleep because 00:14:16.929 --> 00:14:19.230 you know you have so much energy because you're 00:14:19.230 --> 00:14:21.490 Trying to do things to escape, you know, it's 00:14:21.490 --> 00:14:23.629 like it's all week You're feeling down and then 00:14:23.629 --> 00:14:25.450 you escape and there's like this huge burst of 00:14:25.450 --> 00:14:27.909 energy comes out and then of course there's the 00:14:27.909 --> 00:14:30.690 crash off to it because now you're back in spaces 00:14:30.690 --> 00:14:34.049 that don't support you. I mean, I was also part 00:14:34.049 --> 00:14:37.090 of a church like at the time I went every single 00:14:37.090 --> 00:14:39.549 week and this is the part of doing things on 00:14:39.549 --> 00:14:41.750 autopilot that every week I'm going there and 00:14:41.750 --> 00:14:44.830 feeling like twice a week like for morning and 00:14:44.830 --> 00:14:48.350 evening services and for home sales and being 00:14:48.350 --> 00:14:50.809 involved and you go there and you sit there and 00:14:50.809 --> 00:14:52.710 you're like completely disconnected from yourself 00:14:52.710 --> 00:14:56.649 but you still do it because it's a structure. 00:14:56.879 --> 00:14:59.320 let you feel some semblance of purpose. Some 00:14:59.320 --> 00:15:01.480 birds like peering at me through the window. 00:15:03.940 --> 00:15:06.200 I thought it's a cat and I was like, that ain't 00:15:06.200 --> 00:15:10.419 no cat. No, no, it's not unless it's a flying 00:15:10.419 --> 00:15:17.360 cat. So yeah, then eventually, middle of last 00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:19.940 year, I did transition again, moved in with my 00:15:19.940 --> 00:15:23.570 family and then We moved out of Pretoria went 00:15:23.570 --> 00:15:26.210 back to this small town in the middle of nowhere, 00:15:26.590 --> 00:15:31.149 you know in Lombopo and we made some plans for 00:15:31.149 --> 00:15:33.929 you we to come down in April to the Western Cape 00:15:33.929 --> 00:15:37.889 and Since then it's been quite a rollercoaster 00:15:37.889 --> 00:15:40.230 where I said I could write a book about the past 00:15:40.230 --> 00:15:42.110 few years I think I can write a book just about 00:15:42.110 --> 00:15:44.570 these past few months because it's been it's 00:15:44.570 --> 00:15:47.049 been crazy. So the first place I stayed at in 00:15:47.049 --> 00:15:51.370 April was like my landlord like Was also very 00:15:51.370 --> 00:15:54.870 conservative, although like very hypocritical 00:15:54.870 --> 00:15:58.870 on that point as well. Uh, and then when I started 00:15:58.870 --> 00:16:01.230 coming out as trans, because then I told basically 00:16:01.230 --> 00:16:03.669 everybody, I made a commitment to letting everybody 00:16:03.669 --> 00:16:05.649 know, including my family, that, you know, I'm 00:16:05.649 --> 00:16:08.629 trans. Dinesh found one about it. And then he 00:16:08.629 --> 00:16:10.830 dropped me off at the airport and told me to 00:16:10.830 --> 00:16:14.009 go back to Gauteng. But the problem with that 00:16:14.009 --> 00:16:17.379 was, well, I didn't have any money to go back 00:16:17.379 --> 00:16:19.500 to Gauteng and it's like either be homeless in 00:16:19.500 --> 00:16:23.059 Cape Town or be homeless back in Pretoria or 00:16:23.059 --> 00:16:26.039 Joburg or wherever. And I was like, well, look, 00:16:26.500 --> 00:16:28.940 it's neither ideal. So let me just stay here 00:16:28.940 --> 00:16:31.059 and try and make things work. And thankfully 00:16:31.059 --> 00:16:34.480 things did open up. I mean, I was staying in 00:16:34.480 --> 00:16:36.879 Stellenbosch, but then once again, I went back 00:16:36.879 --> 00:16:39.960 into the closet, you know, just because I didn't 00:16:39.960 --> 00:16:43.639 feel safe with that guy. And eventually he, because 00:16:43.639 --> 00:16:48.000 guy smokes. ton of weed and drinks. He was, I 00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:49.480 realized he was pretty much psychotic. I was 00:16:49.480 --> 00:16:52.860 living with a crazy person and he became convinced 00:16:52.860 --> 00:16:56.480 I was conspiring against him and I was making 00:16:56.480 --> 00:16:59.220 cracks in his walls and all kinds of other stuff. 00:17:00.620 --> 00:17:03.919 Eventually he gave me notice, effective immediately. 00:17:04.140 --> 00:17:07.380 And then, yeah, I went back to living in a backpackers 00:17:07.380 --> 00:17:10.160 and then I found the current place where I'm 00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:15.190 staying, which is I'm volunteering here. I've 00:17:15.190 --> 00:17:18.509 been here for almost two, two months now. And, 00:17:18.509 --> 00:17:21.829 uh, yeah, it's, it's also been a very interesting 00:17:21.829 --> 00:17:24.049 journey because I just came here while the hostel 00:17:24.049 --> 00:17:27.589 started. And, uh, that's actually how I'm, yeah, 00:17:27.789 --> 00:17:30.549 that's cool for context. That's how Ray and I 00:17:30.549 --> 00:17:34.829 met. So, because like, uh, I've been. Like, you 00:17:34.829 --> 00:17:36.529 know, very actively involved in volunteering 00:17:36.529 --> 00:17:39.640 here and. since then I've just, if at least they 00:17:39.640 --> 00:17:42.420 come out again as trans and they, I didn't even 00:17:42.420 --> 00:17:44.259 have to tell them to respect my pronouns. They 00:17:44.259 --> 00:17:46.200 just made the assumption, oh, okay, this is the 00:17:46.200 --> 00:17:47.660 new name you're going by. We'll use that name. 00:17:47.740 --> 00:17:50.539 We'll use your pronouns. I didn't really have 00:17:50.539 --> 00:17:53.759 to. It's really not hard. They just were like, 00:17:53.759 --> 00:17:57.539 oh, okay, cool. This is how we'll start referring 00:17:57.539 --> 00:18:02.440 to you now. And, uh, yeah, since then, like also 00:18:02.440 --> 00:18:06.160 whenever, um, sometimes People come through and 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:07.960 then they don't know and they say bro, and i'm 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:10.420 like, well, I don't go by bro This is who I am. 00:18:10.420 --> 00:18:13.039 You know, it's it's pretty much effortless now 00:18:13.039 --> 00:18:19.400 and um it's also I realized the big thing was 00:18:19.400 --> 00:18:22.519 I was kind of scared for no reason to transition 00:18:22.519 --> 00:18:25.700 in a lot of ways. It's been pretty scary I would 00:18:25.700 --> 00:18:29.279 say but the benefits have greatly outweighed 00:18:29.279 --> 00:18:35.380 the the negatives because I mean Yeah Let's not 00:18:35.380 --> 00:18:38.460 beat around the bush though. It's fucking scary. 00:18:39.259 --> 00:18:41.579 Yeah. Especially that, you know, that first coming 00:18:41.579 --> 00:18:45.000 out moment and then certain people in your life 00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:47.640 react exactly as you expected them to react. 00:18:48.119 --> 00:18:51.000 And then, then you realize it's not nearly as 00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:54.259 bad as you thought it was. But still, like the 00:18:54.259 --> 00:18:57.519 first time I lost the housing situation was really 00:18:57.519 --> 00:19:01.519 traumatic. I was in shock over it. The second 00:19:01.519 --> 00:19:04.710 time I was like, whatever, man. I know the drill 00:19:04.710 --> 00:19:10.309 by now. So it's kind of a muscle you grow as 00:19:10.309 --> 00:19:13.630 well. That's not even something I can begin to 00:19:13.630 --> 00:19:17.630 relate to. Like I think that I have this expectation 00:19:17.630 --> 00:19:22.750 and not to take away from it. Obviously it was 00:19:22.750 --> 00:19:26.549 traumatic. Every coming out is traumatic. No 00:19:26.549 --> 00:19:29.809 matter who you are or where you're from or which 00:19:29.809 --> 00:19:34.140 part of the rainbow you're on. severity of what 00:19:34.140 --> 00:19:38.859 can happen to you varies greatly. And one of 00:19:38.859 --> 00:19:40.519 the reasons I think that mine is traumatic is 00:19:40.519 --> 00:19:44.779 because I didn't come out. I was outed and, and 00:19:44.779 --> 00:19:49.740 it was taken away from me. And that hurts, but 00:19:49.740 --> 00:19:54.440 I can't even imagine becoming housing insecure 00:19:54.440 --> 00:19:58.859 because of that. Like, yeah. So hats off to you. 00:20:00.119 --> 00:20:03.450 Thank you. And I have to say it's. It's one of 00:20:03.450 --> 00:20:06.930 those things where you develop a skill you never 00:20:06.930 --> 00:20:09.789 knew you would actually need. And that's, you 00:20:09.789 --> 00:20:12.750 know, learning to have a network that you can 00:20:12.750 --> 00:20:15.369 count on. And I guess it kind of sounds a little 00:20:15.369 --> 00:20:19.130 bit weird in a lot of aspects, but I think all 00:20:19.130 --> 00:20:22.829 of us are actually, a lot of us don't realize 00:20:22.829 --> 00:20:25.970 how far away we are from the street. I mean, 00:20:25.970 --> 00:20:28.410 a lot of people just, they have one job, they've 00:20:28.410 --> 00:20:30.369 got all their savings, that company, the company 00:20:30.369 --> 00:20:32.339 folds and then There they are, they're out on 00:20:32.339 --> 00:20:36.619 the street. And it's like, I mean, I've seen 00:20:36.619 --> 00:20:39.180 the news report of, you know, a programmer like 00:20:39.180 --> 00:20:41.299 made a lot of money, lost his job, he's out on 00:20:41.299 --> 00:20:46.039 the street busy begging. But I've also seen that, 00:20:46.039 --> 00:20:50.720 you know, even though that can happen, it's also, 00:20:51.000 --> 00:20:53.700 that's why it's very important to have a support 00:20:53.700 --> 00:20:55.980 network with people, even if they temporarily 00:20:55.980 --> 00:20:59.140 take you in. Having a supportive community really 00:20:59.140 --> 00:21:04.480 helps a lot. We do have like LGBT shelters here 00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:09.200 in Cape Town, but they're full and they're understaffed. 00:21:10.500 --> 00:21:12.960 We don't have enough resources here in South 00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:14.839 Africa to help the homeless. And I think this 00:21:14.839 --> 00:21:19.200 is a worldwide problem. And it really is something 00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:20.960 that I've realized because I mean, it wasn't 00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:23.500 as a result of a personal weakness that I got 00:21:23.500 --> 00:21:25.539 thrown out of the house. It was a result of somebody 00:21:25.539 --> 00:21:28.319 else's weakness who was in a much more economically 00:21:28.319 --> 00:21:30.980 stable position than I am. And there's always 00:21:30.980 --> 00:21:32.680 bitching and moaning and saying he's going to 00:21:32.680 --> 00:21:34.339 be out on the street. So what does he do? He 00:21:34.339 --> 00:21:37.279 puts me out on the street. And he actually had 00:21:37.279 --> 00:21:39.720 the means not to ever be out on the streets, 00:21:40.160 --> 00:21:45.019 but I did. So it's kind of that thing, that cognitive 00:21:45.019 --> 00:21:47.279 dissonance a lot of people are in. They're like, 00:21:47.279 --> 00:21:49.279 you know, you're conspiring against that. They 00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:51.779 said, no, it's the other way around. You just 00:21:51.779 --> 00:22:00.410 don't want to see it. Quite a shock when it happened. 00:22:00.950 --> 00:22:08.049 It's not me. It's your fear of what the people 00:22:08.049 --> 00:22:12.730 that you know are gonna say. You don't care about 00:22:12.730 --> 00:22:16.150 me. You only care about the people around you. 00:22:16.529 --> 00:22:22.009 That is the harsh reality. I think for most trans 00:22:22.009 --> 00:22:28.319 people. Even when I was like, you know doing 00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:32.200 my demo half transition last year. It was Weird 00:22:32.200 --> 00:22:34.960 out even in conservative environments how people 00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:37.599 are formal accepting that you might think I speak 00:22:37.599 --> 00:22:39.440 look if you're not in a church that's a cult 00:22:39.440 --> 00:22:41.960 then people kind of have a polarized reaction 00:22:41.960 --> 00:22:44.960 some people are gonna be Weird but so others 00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:46.740 are gonna be like even if they don't like it. 00:22:46.740 --> 00:22:50.680 They still gonna Respect you as a person, but 00:22:50.680 --> 00:22:54.130 unfortunately they in belief systems where They 00:22:54.130 --> 00:22:58.750 push you away. Yeah, exactly. I would never fault 00:22:58.750 --> 00:23:04.210 someone for feeling uncomfortable with me initially. 00:23:06.309 --> 00:23:09.269 But the moment you... Because we meet people 00:23:09.269 --> 00:23:13.809 like that every day, right? Normal cisgender 00:23:13.809 --> 00:23:17.210 people who we meet and we go, oh, this person 00:23:17.210 --> 00:23:19.990 is weird. This is not my style. And you get to 00:23:19.990 --> 00:23:22.509 know them and you're like, this guy's the... 00:23:22.329 --> 00:23:27.349 fucking greatest. And, you know, if more people 00:23:27.349 --> 00:23:30.849 could take that approach to like, oh, I have 00:23:30.849 --> 00:23:34.109 never met a trans person before in my life. Maybe 00:23:34.109 --> 00:23:37.769 I should drink this coffee with them. And just 00:23:37.769 --> 00:23:44.089 sit down and talk. Everything would change. In 00:23:44.089 --> 00:23:52.680 a very odd way. And this might be my own But 00:23:52.680 --> 00:23:56.920 it definitely is my own preconceptions and and 00:23:56.920 --> 00:24:01.480 and preconceived notions of what the LGBTQ community 00:24:01.480 --> 00:24:05.259 is but in it in an odd way trans people are the 00:24:05.259 --> 00:24:11.279 least LGBTQ of the LGBTQ and the most at the 00:24:11.279 --> 00:24:15.279 same time because we are shirking off all of 00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:19.180 the gender norms breaking all of the societal 00:24:19.180 --> 00:24:25.779 rules but a lot of us are just acting normally. 00:24:25.880 --> 00:24:30.039 I travel to another country and there are people 00:24:30.039 --> 00:24:34.220 that never clocked me. And I'm not even, I'm 00:24:34.220 --> 00:24:38.119 clocky. Like I look trans. I'm guessing then 00:24:38.119 --> 00:24:40.200 that that could be a major argument. It's like, 00:24:40.539 --> 00:24:43.299 well, you know, I guess some people think trans 00:24:43.299 --> 00:24:47.880 as a look. Like for me, I don't openly look like 00:24:47.880 --> 00:24:51.390 I'm a trans woman at this point in time. but 00:24:51.390 --> 00:24:54.390 and I especially like the way I talk and the 00:24:54.390 --> 00:24:57.230 way I dress people are like yo, bro, and I'm 00:24:57.230 --> 00:25:00.529 no and it's it's these things are so ingrained 00:25:00.529 --> 00:25:02.630 even in more liberal spaces you still find people 00:25:02.630 --> 00:25:06.329 saying these things to you and it sometimes just 00:25:06.329 --> 00:25:09.470 is that moment of you have to tell them because 00:25:09.470 --> 00:25:13.529 they don't know and Try not to assume the naked 00:25:13.529 --> 00:25:18.349 of even though it is pretty scary But yeah, it's 00:25:18.349 --> 00:25:23.900 like I'm not saying it to gender you but actually 00:25:23.900 --> 00:25:27.619 you are because you don't say that to girls and 00:25:27.619 --> 00:25:32.619 Fact you are gendering me by saying bro Yeah, 00:25:32.619 --> 00:25:41.779 or dude Yeah, yeah and It I think because I guess 00:25:41.779 --> 00:25:43.920 it's also a lot of things are saying grant into 00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:47.079 us and that we we don't really You know stop 00:25:47.079 --> 00:25:51.000 and think about them I think, you know, especially 00:25:51.000 --> 00:25:56.140 if you grow up differently, then a lot of people 00:25:56.140 --> 00:25:58.519 just go on with assumptions that everybody else 00:25:58.519 --> 00:26:01.799 thinks the same and they very much hit hard against 00:26:01.799 --> 00:26:07.400 anything that's different. And yeah, it's very 00:26:07.400 --> 00:26:09.700 difficult for them to walk past because like 00:26:09.700 --> 00:26:12.170 I've seen with people, they don't... a lot of 00:26:12.170 --> 00:26:15.130 people don't do that meta thing of you know disconnecting 00:26:15.130 --> 00:26:18.069 and looking at the situation like oh I believe 00:26:18.069 --> 00:26:19.809 these things because this is where I come from 00:26:19.809 --> 00:26:21.990 no it's just I believe these things I'm right 00:26:21.990 --> 00:26:24.630 don't don't tell me any different you know and 00:26:24.630 --> 00:26:27.130 the same with gender it's one of the hardest 00:26:27.130 --> 00:26:32.910 things for me as well to do is because right 00:26:32.910 --> 00:26:37.450 now this this past couple of weeks have kind 00:26:37.450 --> 00:26:41.279 of been There have been days where I've been 00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:46.279 in a dark place because I'm willfully putting 00:26:46.279 --> 00:26:55.180 myself through going online, picking out people 00:26:55.180 --> 00:26:58.299 that are transphobes that are commenting on pro 00:26:58.299 --> 00:27:03.160 trans videos and just crucifying them with facts. 00:27:03.720 --> 00:27:09.319 Okay. And it's fun. It's fun. But it's also devastatingly 00:27:09.319 --> 00:27:18.559 harmful to my mental health Because I find myself 00:27:18.559 --> 00:27:20.680 and and this is part of the reason why I'm doing 00:27:20.680 --> 00:27:26.759 it I find myself Agreeing with them Sometimes 00:27:26.759 --> 00:27:31.440 and I'm like, oh my god. Yeah because I was there 00:27:31.440 --> 00:27:36.839 I wanted to be Bloodstain on the side of a bridge, 00:27:37.180 --> 00:27:44.220 you know That is a scary reality and to pull 00:27:44.220 --> 00:27:48.160 yourself back from that Over and over it gets 00:27:48.160 --> 00:27:52.079 easier for sure but oh my god, is it difficult 00:27:52.079 --> 00:27:55.319 sometimes and then also it's so fun to beat them 00:27:55.319 --> 00:27:59.880 into a point where they just Can't do it. Yeah 00:27:59.880 --> 00:28:04.220 And like Camille, I also found myself doing that 00:28:04.140 --> 00:28:07.759 But it's also like, you know, I already struggle 00:28:07.759 --> 00:28:10.920 enough with having low energy as it is because, 00:28:11.160 --> 00:28:14.019 you know, um, I don't know, like I think also 00:28:14.019 --> 00:28:17.000 a century or below just, you know, the daily 00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:21.660 tax of living. Yeah. All the torrent of stimulation 00:28:21.660 --> 00:28:25.059 does get to me because I mean, I have been diagnosed 00:28:25.059 --> 00:28:27.359 officially with ADHD. I've not been diagnosed 00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:30.140 with autism, but I think if you speak to anybody, 00:28:30.339 --> 00:28:33.309 I know like autism is pretty much. That's a given. 00:28:34.309 --> 00:28:39.849 It just existing already eats away at you. Like 00:28:39.849 --> 00:28:44.250 daily things that people take for granted, neurotypicals. 00:28:44.710 --> 00:28:46.750 Those things eat away at you every single day. 00:28:48.029 --> 00:28:50.130 So just showing up and doing what needs to be 00:28:50.130 --> 00:28:52.829 done is already pretty difficult. So for me, 00:28:53.789 --> 00:28:57.329 going and engaging with negative people, it takes 00:28:57.329 --> 00:29:01.210 a lot out of me. So it's just best for me to. 00:29:01.720 --> 00:29:04.680 sidestep it and ignore it and just say what I 00:29:04.680 --> 00:29:08.279 want to say. And they, they can sit and spend 00:29:08.279 --> 00:29:13.880 for all I care because yeah, um, I've having 00:29:13.880 --> 00:29:16.059 this channel for quite some time. And when I 00:29:16.059 --> 00:29:17.940 was still more conservative and already then 00:29:17.940 --> 00:29:20.960 spouting controversial opinions, at some point, 00:29:20.960 --> 00:29:23.519 you just learn that it doesn't matter what you 00:29:23.519 --> 00:29:26.480 say. Somebody's going to hate on it just because 00:29:26.480 --> 00:29:29.000 they, they want to feel hurt. Just as much as 00:29:29.000 --> 00:29:30.420 you want to feel hurt, they also want to feel 00:29:30.420 --> 00:29:33.900 hurt. But I can only listen to so many voices 00:29:33.900 --> 00:29:39.400 at once. So it's just the thing of, well, look, 00:29:40.279 --> 00:29:42.880 on my channel, I try and respond in a very civil 00:29:42.880 --> 00:29:45.119 and polite way because it's just part of the 00:29:45.119 --> 00:29:49.180 brand that I want to achieve. I'm not going to 00:29:49.180 --> 00:29:51.660 just be an asshole for the sake of it, but still, 00:29:52.819 --> 00:29:56.299 I do think responding civilly to the ideas so 00:29:56.299 --> 00:29:58.059 that people know what my stance is in general. 00:29:58.410 --> 00:30:01.569 not so much trying to create a negative dialogue 00:30:01.569 --> 00:30:04.630 with somebody and getting hooked to a Conversations 00:30:04.630 --> 00:30:06.829 that's gonna run around in circles like going 00:30:06.829 --> 00:30:09.950 on the train to nowhere It that's that's what 00:30:09.950 --> 00:30:13.049 I want to do. Just you know Just put forth what 00:30:13.049 --> 00:30:16.170 I say or what I believe and it's with respect 00:30:16.170 --> 00:30:18.829 even if you're not respecting me But yeah, but 00:30:18.829 --> 00:30:21.730 that's on YouTube in daily life. It's a lot more 00:30:21.730 --> 00:30:24.430 difficult like if you meet somebody and they 00:30:24.430 --> 00:30:27.450 know or out for blood because they don't like 00:30:27.450 --> 00:30:30.910 who you are then it's it's a lot more difficult 00:30:30.910 --> 00:30:37.869 to be civil and um yeah for sure for sure um 00:30:37.869 --> 00:30:41.009 when it comes to the comment section on other 00:30:41.009 --> 00:30:45.109 people's videos or on mine if you're a bigot 00:30:45.109 --> 00:30:48.990 if you're a transphobe you're gonna find out 00:30:48.990 --> 00:30:55.329 exactly what i think of you so um Other than 00:30:55.329 --> 00:31:01.029 that, I'm even willing to enter into a logical 00:31:01.029 --> 00:31:05.089 discourse. But the thing is, if you're a bigot 00:31:05.089 --> 00:31:07.390 or a transphobe or a homophobe or whatever, none 00:31:07.390 --> 00:31:10.289 of your discourse is logical. It's not because 00:31:10.289 --> 00:31:13.890 you haven't taken any time to read and you're 00:31:13.890 --> 00:31:20.069 part of a cult. So that's the thing. And if you 00:31:20.069 --> 00:31:24.640 go like one of the... things I hate is I will 00:31:24.640 --> 00:31:28.539 in good faith answer a question and ask a couple 00:31:28.539 --> 00:31:32.799 of my own. And the response will be, this is 00:31:32.799 --> 00:31:36.619 just a classic tribe. You're just effing this, 00:31:36.740 --> 00:31:41.920 effing that, whatever. Groovy bro. It doesn't 00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:45.599 help you respond with logic to someone who's 00:31:45.599 --> 00:31:48.779 taken over by being completely irrational. And 00:31:48.779 --> 00:31:52.960 they've given themselves over to hate you so 00:31:52.960 --> 00:31:55.220 you know you can fuck right off it doesn't matter 00:31:55.220 --> 00:31:57.859 what you say fuck right off that's like okay 00:31:57.859 --> 00:32:00.500 fine you can fuck right off as well it's fine 00:32:00.500 --> 00:32:05.420 but yeah exactly just yeah be sure you never 00:32:05.420 --> 00:32:07.460 fuck right off in front of my car because I'm 00:32:07.460 --> 00:32:12.319 gonna I'm not stopping yeah although you wouldn't 00:32:12.319 --> 00:32:17.480 want to dent your car I mean the poor car the 00:32:17.480 --> 00:32:22.299 cars can be replaced just No, I'm joking. But, 00:32:22.299 --> 00:32:24.619 um, yeah, I don't, I don't want anybody's blood 00:32:24.619 --> 00:32:27.380 on my hands, but if I see you putting someone 00:32:27.380 --> 00:32:30.759 else's blood on yours, yours is going to be up. 00:32:31.799 --> 00:32:36.720 Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to pride. The 00:32:36.720 --> 00:32:39.940 only, the, the only kind of intolerance that 00:32:39.940 --> 00:32:43.980 is tolerable is the tolerance that dies. I mean, 00:32:44.099 --> 00:32:50.099 intolerance that died. Yeah. Yeah. Because it 00:32:50.099 --> 00:32:52.660 doesn't like we've we've seen with a lot of societal 00:32:52.660 --> 00:32:55.980 things It doesn't help you be civil to an authoritarian 00:32:55.980 --> 00:32:58.880 force to are overtaken by this thing because 00:32:58.880 --> 00:33:01.640 I mean Common sections are one thing. I mean 00:33:01.640 --> 00:33:04.200 anybody can be a keyboard warrior But when those 00:33:04.200 --> 00:33:07.559 ideas kept on keep on being spread and they start 00:33:07.559 --> 00:33:11.039 accumulating Real -life action and real -life 00:33:11.039 --> 00:33:13.279 political change towards, you know for right 00:33:13.279 --> 00:33:16.720 systems like we see are happening Globally, I 00:33:16.720 --> 00:33:22.289 mean in places like Europe and the US right now. 00:33:23.430 --> 00:33:26.289 That's when, you know, it doesn't really help 00:33:26.289 --> 00:33:33.170 being civil because I think for me, like if say 00:33:33.170 --> 00:33:35.930 the government were to change here and they're 00:33:35.930 --> 00:33:39.230 now starting to bring out laws decriminalizing 00:33:39.230 --> 00:33:43.740 who we are, then You're gonna be as good as a 00:33:43.740 --> 00:33:46.039 terrorist and then it's fine and I'll be a terrorist 00:33:46.039 --> 00:33:49.539 because this this isn't right because just because 00:33:49.539 --> 00:33:53.119 you're uncomfortable with You know the like somebody 00:33:53.119 --> 00:33:55.420 else because you don't want to face parts of 00:33:55.420 --> 00:33:58.160 yourself And I don't think every transphobe is 00:33:58.160 --> 00:34:00.000 secretly trans but they are parts of themselves 00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:02.039 that they don't want to face that they're projecting 00:34:02.039 --> 00:34:06.000 onto you for sure if If you're if you are a transphobe, 00:34:06.059 --> 00:34:07.980 it's it's because you're scared of part of your 00:34:07.980 --> 00:34:12.219 identity. That's the only way There's something 00:34:12.219 --> 00:34:18.760 that scares you and you're too afraid to deal 00:34:18.760 --> 00:34:27.000 with it. Exactly. The thing that baffles me though 00:34:27.000 --> 00:34:30.880 when you say, and it's true, the global movement 00:34:30.880 --> 00:34:36.920 towards far right. ideology is that none of these 00:34:36.920 --> 00:34:39.539 people have ever picked up a fucking history 00:34:39.539 --> 00:34:42.599 book, not even tangentially paid attention in 00:34:42.599 --> 00:34:45.500 history class. I mean, have you, have you watched 00:34:45.500 --> 00:34:48.139 enemy at the gates? Have you fucking watched 00:34:48.139 --> 00:34:52.059 any historically accurate movie ever? Have you 00:34:52.059 --> 00:34:53.840 paid attention to what happened in Pearl Harbor? 00:34:54.099 --> 00:34:56.760 Those were fascists and you are fascists now. 00:34:57.199 --> 00:35:01.320 That's what it is. And we, we, we see that now, 00:35:01.480 --> 00:35:03.869 like for example, Germany's daughter. Not the 00:35:03.869 --> 00:35:06.829 far right party making waves. And it's like, 00:35:06.829 --> 00:35:12.489 um, I recently met somebody from Germany, AFD, 00:35:12.489 --> 00:35:15.250 yeah. Alternative für Deutschland. That one. 00:35:15.570 --> 00:35:18.449 Yeah. Those, those, those far right assholes. 00:35:19.190 --> 00:35:22.409 They, because I recently met somebody from Germany 00:35:22.409 --> 00:35:24.849 and we were like agreeing it's, it's a bad thing, 00:35:24.989 --> 00:35:26.949 the rise of the far right. And I was like, you 00:35:26.949 --> 00:35:29.010 know, the Germans, like, don't you get it? Didn't 00:35:29.010 --> 00:35:31.710 you guys learn from your history? I mean, what 00:35:31.710 --> 00:35:35.030 happened a hundred years ago? this, she agreed 00:35:35.030 --> 00:35:38.429 with me, but still it was, it's like, don't you 00:35:38.429 --> 00:35:41.170 guys learn? Like what happened the last time? 00:35:41.170 --> 00:35:45.750 It didn't go well. To say the least. You know, 00:35:45.889 --> 00:35:48.329 the, the, the, I think the, and I might be wrong 00:35:48.329 --> 00:35:50.789 here. I haven't been paying much attention to 00:35:50.789 --> 00:35:55.230 AFD. Trump is kind of destroying all other radio 00:35:55.230 --> 00:36:05.430 signal. Um, it's mostly, it's mostly, uh, young, 00:36:05.430 --> 00:36:10.110 disengaged men who think that they are entitled 00:36:10.110 --> 00:36:13.309 to something that they aren't. And they're joining 00:36:13.309 --> 00:36:17.349 these movements because of influences like Andrew 00:36:17.349 --> 00:36:21.309 Tate. It's just misogyny and it's also late stage 00:36:21.309 --> 00:36:27.590 capitalism. And it's just so easy for the people 00:36:27.590 --> 00:36:31.739 at the top, for the billionaires to blame. It's 00:36:31.739 --> 00:36:33.900 what they've done before. It's where the white 00:36:33.900 --> 00:36:37.000 race comes from. The white race didn't exist 00:36:37.000 --> 00:36:43.360 before capitalism. It's a product of divisiveness. 00:36:43.780 --> 00:36:46.179 You know, make one group feel like they're superior 00:36:46.179 --> 00:36:49.320 over all others. And that allows you to control 00:36:49.320 --> 00:36:54.420 them. And yeah, it's an invention. I mean, here 00:36:54.420 --> 00:36:57.400 in South Africa, we have such a... harmful history. 00:36:57.559 --> 00:36:59.619 We're like three decades after the end of apartheid, 00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:01.760 but I mean, half of the people still live below 00:37:01.760 --> 00:37:05.960 the poverty line. And that's not to say the other 00:37:05.960 --> 00:37:08.719 half is living in affluence either. There's a 00:37:08.719 --> 00:37:11.420 lot of issues still, and it happened as a result 00:37:11.420 --> 00:37:16.619 of an ideology. Yeah. I said earlier that I find 00:37:16.619 --> 00:37:20.139 myself kind of agreeing with some of these transphobes, 00:37:20.139 --> 00:37:23.099 right? Online. And I think part of that comes 00:37:23.099 --> 00:37:26.989 from... the legacy of apartheid South Africa. 00:37:27.389 --> 00:37:32.809 Because as a privileged white person growing 00:37:32.809 --> 00:37:39.150 up in South Africa, it is virtually impossible 00:37:39.150 --> 00:37:44.670 for you to get away from racist rhetoric. It's 00:37:44.670 --> 00:37:50.730 infused in everything. And it's so subtle. It's 00:37:50.730 --> 00:37:54.900 so subtle. But it's like the concept of of having 00:37:54.900 --> 00:37:59.840 a maid. I would never have dreamed. I remember 00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:03.900 the first time I saw a Hispanic maid in America 00:38:03.900 --> 00:38:06.559 and I thought, what the fuck is going on here? 00:38:09.559 --> 00:38:14.940 And you're incognizant of the fact that this 00:38:14.940 --> 00:38:23.250 is deeply enshrined racism. It is and like I've 00:38:23.250 --> 00:38:27.110 also like late last year I had to face, you know 00:38:27.110 --> 00:38:29.489 a lot of my own views because I realized a lot 00:38:29.489 --> 00:38:31.510 of my own views were actually holding me back 00:38:31.510 --> 00:38:34.150 and you know, like I had to come up You know 00:38:34.150 --> 00:38:36.070 face -to -face with all of my own racial views 00:38:36.070 --> 00:38:40.190 that I didn't know were even there I mean, there's 00:38:40.190 --> 00:38:43.110 a lot of things we don't realize actually influence 00:38:43.110 --> 00:38:46.670 our beliefs. I mean we Especially if you grow 00:38:46.670 --> 00:38:49.230 up like for writing, you know capitalism is your 00:38:49.230 --> 00:38:53.329 god. I mean i'm african so Work is my god that 00:38:53.329 --> 00:38:56.110 that's literally how I was raised You know, you 00:38:56.110 --> 00:38:59.670 can work yourself to death for nothing and it's 00:38:59.670 --> 00:39:02.610 it's apparently something to be proud of And 00:39:02.610 --> 00:39:06.789 when now I of course I see it as a waste of time, 00:39:06.789 --> 00:39:11.070 but I still find myself Futilely working on way 00:39:11.070 --> 00:39:14.949 too much stuff Overworking myself and I'm like, 00:39:15.110 --> 00:39:17.449 what am I doing? This isn't productive. So it's 00:39:17.449 --> 00:39:20.849 like Parts of yourself that you have to you know, 00:39:20.969 --> 00:39:23.949 have a dialogue with and be like, hey, you know 00:39:23.949 --> 00:39:27.630 fucking stop it, you know, like Snap out of this 00:39:27.630 --> 00:39:31.789 view Yes, and that's also like this. This is 00:39:31.789 --> 00:39:34.510 very much a view that we've you know forced upon 00:39:34.510 --> 00:39:37.769 the world at large because you know as You know 00:39:37.769 --> 00:39:42.980 the the white race that we've we we want Things 00:39:42.980 --> 00:39:46.119 we've effused it into everything around us and 00:39:46.119 --> 00:39:49.940 I think Also like looking at the wider world 00:39:49.940 --> 00:39:53.219 then like the opposite of that scares us So we 00:39:53.219 --> 00:39:56.460 go back to what's stable even if it's not actually 00:39:56.460 --> 00:39:59.619 nearly as stable as you might think so many people 00:39:59.619 --> 00:40:04.199 like argue Like you know capitalism. Yeah, sure. 00:40:04.199 --> 00:40:06.159 It's not great. But what is the alternative? 00:40:06.480 --> 00:40:09.199 Because as if capitalism is actually working 00:40:09.199 --> 00:40:12.389 when it's not it's it's creating all kinds of 00:40:12.389 --> 00:40:15.989 issues. I mean, if you have a car on assembly 00:40:15.989 --> 00:40:19.050 line and comes out with like, I don't know, 80 00:40:19.050 --> 00:40:21.670 % defects, you would call that a defective car. 00:40:22.110 --> 00:40:25.809 And we've got a political system that's creating 00:40:25.809 --> 00:40:28.670 so many defects, but we still want to keep it 00:40:28.670 --> 00:40:30.710 because we're scared of looking for something 00:40:30.710 --> 00:40:34.389 else. And yeah, because it is a difficult dialogue, 00:40:34.570 --> 00:40:36.050 especially if you've been, sorry, I'll let you 00:40:36.050 --> 00:40:39.889 speak now, especially if you've been raised with 00:40:39.889 --> 00:40:43.389 it. Looking for something different is you don't 00:40:43.389 --> 00:40:46.409 know what else could work. So of course you're 00:40:46.409 --> 00:40:48.849 going to come back to what's stable. Yeah. But 00:40:48.849 --> 00:40:53.690 I also think like the idea that nothing else 00:40:53.690 --> 00:41:00.489 could work comes from the people who are benefiting 00:41:00.489 --> 00:41:05.269 from the system already. Right now, because they 00:41:05.269 --> 00:41:08.329 are the ones who benefit from the status quo. 00:41:08.489 --> 00:41:12.650 Nobody else does. They get to gouge workers on 00:41:12.650 --> 00:41:17.369 both ends. They pay workers as little as possible 00:41:17.369 --> 00:41:20.329 to make things that those workers have to buy. 00:41:20.510 --> 00:41:23.449 And then they charge as much as possible for 00:41:23.449 --> 00:41:26.110 those things that the workers have to buy. And 00:41:26.110 --> 00:41:28.289 eventually it doesn't work anymore, but they 00:41:28.289 --> 00:41:32.829 know that if this doesn't work, then something 00:41:32.829 --> 00:41:37.090 else is going to take over and they're going 00:41:37.090 --> 00:41:40.460 to lose all of their wealth. So what do they 00:41:40.460 --> 00:41:43.860 do? They start taking other things, necessities 00:41:43.860 --> 00:41:47.260 that are required, and they give themselves tax 00:41:47.260 --> 00:41:49.139 cuts. That's what's happening in America right 00:41:49.139 --> 00:41:53.880 now. So America's debt ceiling has raised by 00:41:53.880 --> 00:42:01.300 $8 trillion in form. And now there's inflation 00:42:01.300 --> 00:42:05.000 and Medicaid is gone. So where did that money 00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.619 go? Where is it? And then you have transphobes 00:42:09.619 --> 00:42:14.699 going, well, maggots, right? Red hats. Oh, this 00:42:14.699 --> 00:42:17.619 is good. He's saving America. Dude, open your 00:42:17.619 --> 00:42:22.199 fucking eyes, please. And also show us the Epstein 00:42:22.199 --> 00:42:27.280 files because he's a fucking pedophile, disgusting 00:42:27.280 --> 00:42:32.079 human being who's a shit stain on the world's 00:42:32.079 --> 00:42:39.730 pants. Sorry. Exactly. I agree. And, uh, and 00:42:39.730 --> 00:42:43.570 it's not just, you know, Americans, like we have 00:42:43.570 --> 00:42:46.130 a MAGA crowd here in South Africa as well. I 00:42:46.130 --> 00:42:50.070 mean, the oppressed Afrikaners, you know, who, 00:42:50.070 --> 00:42:52.929 who think that now after decades of being the 00:42:52.929 --> 00:42:56.349 most privileged group, we're like the most privileged 00:42:56.349 --> 00:42:59.070 group. Now suddenly we're the most oppressed 00:42:59.070 --> 00:43:01.409 group. And I was like, Oh, no, you're oppressing 00:43:01.409 --> 00:43:06.550 me. Like it's all projection really. It's a loneliness 00:43:06.550 --> 00:43:13.369 epidemic spread into races. Exactly. I have family 00:43:13.369 --> 00:43:15.789 members like that. So do I. An unfortunate amount. 00:43:15.869 --> 00:43:20.190 Tell me about your year. We've lost track of 00:43:20.190 --> 00:43:25.050 things. We were going to talk about 2025. So 00:43:25.050 --> 00:43:30.250 2025. I wouldn't say I'm really qualified to 00:43:30.250 --> 00:43:32.860 talk about the political side of things. Cause 00:43:32.860 --> 00:43:35.719 I mean, I was front and center in South Africa's 00:43:35.719 --> 00:43:38.400 politics last year, but this year I've kind of 00:43:38.400 --> 00:43:40.739 been disconnected because I was waging my own, 00:43:41.059 --> 00:43:43.659 my fighting my own battles, waging my own wars 00:43:43.659 --> 00:43:47.260 just to, you know, make ends meet. 2025 has been 00:43:47.260 --> 00:43:51.019 pretty crazy. I will say we did actually like, 00:43:51.019 --> 00:43:53.599 um, since last year, coming back to the small 00:43:53.599 --> 00:43:57.619 town, we stayed on a farm with some people. Um, 00:43:57.719 --> 00:44:00.940 my grandfather passed away last year and then 00:44:00.940 --> 00:44:07.139 I. then me and my, um, the family, like three 00:44:07.139 --> 00:44:11.380 kids, my, uh, we, uh, inherited, uh, his car 00:44:11.380 --> 00:44:14.300 to share amongst us. It's still actually not 00:44:14.300 --> 00:44:18.539 completely in our name, but, uh, so it's, um, 00:44:19.320 --> 00:44:21.559 like we say, okay, well, you know, my grandfather 00:44:21.559 --> 00:44:24.260 still paying the speeding tickets. So there's 00:44:24.260 --> 00:44:30.380 that. And, um, then we. we've been driving around, 00:44:30.539 --> 00:44:33.260 you know, like just, uh, like it's the first 00:44:33.260 --> 00:44:36.539 time I've actually had a car and, um, and yeah, 00:44:36.559 --> 00:44:40.659 then this, this year we were like, okay, so we 00:44:40.659 --> 00:44:42.260 were on the farm. All right. I mean, let me just 00:44:42.260 --> 00:44:43.900 speak more coherent. So we were on the farm. 00:44:43.940 --> 00:44:46.480 Like we actually like found like, like alongside 00:44:46.480 --> 00:44:51.179 a supportive family and they didn't obviously 00:44:51.179 --> 00:44:54.139 know about my transgender status, but, and they 00:44:54.139 --> 00:44:56.440 are more conservative, but we, we could like 00:44:56.440 --> 00:44:59.820 recover from. you know, last year, because I've 00:44:59.820 --> 00:45:01.900 like the, the client that I mentioned, things 00:45:01.900 --> 00:45:04.519 didn't end well. It's part of my best efforts. 00:45:04.940 --> 00:45:09.659 Like, um, some people just, just want to, uh, 00:45:09.980 --> 00:45:12.519 villainize you. And I was actually starting to 00:45:12.519 --> 00:45:15.059 transition and this client was aware of it. So 00:45:15.059 --> 00:45:19.119 we then, I was in economic dire straits and then, 00:45:19.179 --> 00:45:22.889 so I moved back in with my family and then. We 00:45:22.889 --> 00:45:26.409 stayed on this farm and we were like, I, you 00:45:26.409 --> 00:45:29.429 know, basically went monk mode and, you know, 00:45:29.489 --> 00:45:32.050 just worked on a bunch of projects. It was pretty 00:45:32.050 --> 00:45:34.289 awful. I picked up a lot of skills again, got 00:45:34.289 --> 00:45:38.030 a lot of IT certifications because I love IT 00:45:38.030 --> 00:45:41.730 and I never dreamed I would ever say that because 00:45:41.730 --> 00:45:43.329 when I, when I was a kid, I was like, no, no, 00:45:43.329 --> 00:45:47.079 no, I never want to work in IT. Got an IT job 00:45:47.079 --> 00:45:49.000 and I just fell in love with the profession because 00:45:49.000 --> 00:45:51.059 I mean, we would have known somebody who spends 00:45:51.059 --> 00:45:53.780 all their day in front of a computer that might 00:45:53.780 --> 00:45:57.280 actually be the best way to go. But still, um, 00:45:57.280 --> 00:45:59.860 it, it turned out to be the right field for me. 00:46:00.800 --> 00:46:03.820 And then like I was pulling up a lot of skills 00:46:03.820 --> 00:46:06.860 that then we, then we had to leave and then we 00:46:06.860 --> 00:46:11.119 stayed in a Rondal, a pretty small place. Um, 00:46:11.699 --> 00:46:14.380 so then we were like there for about a month 00:46:14.380 --> 00:46:18.519 and then. I saved up some money and, you know, 00:46:18.519 --> 00:46:20.820 got the plane ticket to come down to Strand. 00:46:20.900 --> 00:46:24.320 So that was in March of this year. And then, 00:46:24.360 --> 00:46:28.460 yeah, then I made my plans and then we, me and 00:46:28.460 --> 00:46:32.860 the younger siblings left the, um, left the house 00:46:32.860 --> 00:46:37.880 with the car and the dog. So then they, they 00:46:37.880 --> 00:46:41.099 moved with other family and I flew down to Strand. 00:46:41.719 --> 00:46:44.059 And then, yeah, then coming down to Strand, like, 00:46:44.059 --> 00:46:47.980 um, you know like there was one client who kept 00:46:47.980 --> 00:46:51.139 on dragging out a payment and then I don't know 00:46:51.139 --> 00:46:54.639 I was just a little bit too out of sorts to really 00:46:54.639 --> 00:46:57.019 try and look for clients because with a living 00:46:57.019 --> 00:46:59.019 situation the guy said he wanted to help me but 00:46:59.019 --> 00:47:01.300 I first wanted to do it a little bit more gradually 00:47:01.300 --> 00:47:04.860 because um you know baby steps like you know 00:47:04.860 --> 00:47:08.019 start by getting some work in getting the giving 00:47:08.019 --> 00:47:09.739 the guy some rent even though he said I could 00:47:09.739 --> 00:47:12.719 stay with him for free for three months Part 00:47:12.719 --> 00:47:14.519 of me was like, okay, maybe this is not going 00:47:14.519 --> 00:47:17.000 to work out the way you think it would. And then 00:47:17.000 --> 00:47:19.280 sure enough, a weekend, he changed his story. 00:47:19.460 --> 00:47:21.099 I was like, no, I must not start paying rent. 00:47:21.460 --> 00:47:25.559 And then I was like, okay, well, fine. I've got 00:47:25.559 --> 00:47:27.619 money coming in. And then I worked out a weekly 00:47:27.619 --> 00:47:30.239 deal and I said to him, okay, well, look, I want 00:47:30.239 --> 00:47:32.500 to try and pay you 600 around a week. I'm not 00:47:32.500 --> 00:47:33.880 sure how well I'm going to get the money from, 00:47:34.059 --> 00:47:37.000 but I'm going to make sure it happens. And I 00:47:37.000 --> 00:47:41.500 did. I did make sure it happens. I got the So 00:47:41.500 --> 00:47:44.400 he started telling, he started repeating my own 00:47:44.400 --> 00:47:46.780 advice at me and they said like, you know, people 00:47:46.780 --> 00:47:48.860 have to apply for hundreds of jobs before they 00:47:48.860 --> 00:47:50.679 get anything. So you should apply for the same. 00:47:51.139 --> 00:47:52.840 And then I did apply for hundreds of jobs. I 00:47:52.840 --> 00:47:55.320 literally did like over 300 jobs on LinkedIn 00:47:55.320 --> 00:47:58.340 and across many different places. That was a 00:47:58.340 --> 00:48:00.320 mistake because now I've got recruiters harassing 00:48:00.320 --> 00:48:03.659 me, but in any case, so, and they all want you 00:48:03.659 --> 00:48:05.639 to like go through five different interviews 00:48:05.639 --> 00:48:09.019 before you get to the interview. And it's crazy 00:48:09.019 --> 00:48:12.940 now the work world. But then eventually like 00:48:12.940 --> 00:48:15.019 the one place I applied for was platinum life 00:48:15.019 --> 00:48:18.539 Yeah, which you know, like they one of the leading 00:48:18.539 --> 00:48:22.199 they sell cancer policies mainly targeting woman 00:48:22.199 --> 00:48:25.480 or cisgender woman because it's You know, you 00:48:25.480 --> 00:48:27.780 like have to be assigned female at birth. They 00:48:27.780 --> 00:48:32.000 cover that specific part of female anatomy Cancers 00:48:32.000 --> 00:48:34.639 for that like breast cancer cervical cancer I 00:48:34.639 --> 00:48:35.960 could probably name you the eight cancers where 00:48:35.960 --> 00:48:37.820 they cover like it's been so drilled into me 00:48:37.820 --> 00:48:41.250 at this point And then I got that job and a weekend, 00:48:41.650 --> 00:48:44.090 the guy decided, okay, now he doesn't want me 00:48:44.090 --> 00:48:46.869 around anymore. Cause, um, it turned out, you 00:48:46.869 --> 00:48:49.630 know, getting a high paying job in IT is just, 00:48:49.730 --> 00:48:53.650 it's takes a lot more for nagging than just sending 00:48:53.650 --> 00:48:55.949 your CV to a random place that doesn't know you. 00:48:55.949 --> 00:48:59.190 You need to have insight connections. Uh, which 00:48:59.190 --> 00:49:01.210 is what I was trying to tell people, but they, 00:49:01.349 --> 00:49:04.070 they, this is also once again, the old mindset 00:49:04.070 --> 00:49:06.409 is, you know, just work hard and you'll get there. 00:49:06.449 --> 00:49:10.340 So I worked hard at getting work. But I still 00:49:10.340 --> 00:49:12.460 had to end up taking a tele -sales position in 00:49:12.460 --> 00:49:15.119 a completely different industry because, well, 00:49:15.119 --> 00:49:18.900 I needed money to survive and yeah, it paid decently. 00:49:18.920 --> 00:49:20.559 And I have no ill will towards that company. 00:49:20.719 --> 00:49:23.880 They pay very well. I mean, I have to say, if 00:49:23.880 --> 00:49:27.440 you make sales, they pay well, but it's also 00:49:27.440 --> 00:49:30.340 in a completely different industry. And I was 00:49:30.340 --> 00:49:32.019 like sitting there like really depressed because 00:49:32.019 --> 00:49:34.119 I'm like, I studied IT and I'm doing something 00:49:34.119 --> 00:49:36.099 completely different. It's like all my years 00:49:36.099 --> 00:49:39.460 of education and IT has now been wasted. So, 00:49:40.880 --> 00:49:44.239 and yeah, then the guy basically threw me out. 00:49:44.340 --> 00:49:46.059 I mean, I was starting to build a community there 00:49:46.059 --> 00:49:48.780 in Strand, you know, and I was also thinking, 00:49:48.900 --> 00:49:50.800 okay, how am I going to transition? But you know, 00:49:51.320 --> 00:49:53.420 people were people were getting along with me. 00:49:53.519 --> 00:49:55.940 I was being myself. I just didn't say I'm trans. 00:49:56.019 --> 00:49:59.099 And then I decided to sabotage it. And I think 00:49:59.099 --> 00:50:01.539 there was a good deal of jealousy as well, because 00:50:01.539 --> 00:50:04.840 he kept on saying things like, you know, Oh you 00:50:04.840 --> 00:50:07.639 you virgin, you know, uh, you know nothing and 00:50:07.639 --> 00:50:09.280 i'm because he was going through a divorce at 00:50:09.280 --> 00:50:11.300 the time He was talking about how macho he was 00:50:11.300 --> 00:50:13.639 and let's just say this guy makes job of the 00:50:13.639 --> 00:50:17.880 heart look like a sex symbol So it it it really 00:50:17.880 --> 00:50:22.179 isn't somebody that is aware of his own Downfalls 00:50:22.179 --> 00:50:24.340 always very aware of it and just wants to avoid 00:50:24.340 --> 00:50:28.920 it so Because I was like getting along with a 00:50:28.920 --> 00:50:31.840 lot of people and I was like he introduced me 00:50:31.840 --> 00:50:33.760 to his friends and I was getting along well with 00:50:33.760 --> 00:50:36.079 them and we were having great conversations and 00:50:36.079 --> 00:50:40.219 then Yeah, and then you kept on calling me a 00:50:40.219 --> 00:50:42.179 virgin But I said nothing to him because I was 00:50:42.179 --> 00:50:44.780 just very amused by that. It's like he didn't 00:50:44.780 --> 00:50:48.260 know that I'm actually not and Haven't been for 00:50:48.260 --> 00:50:50.639 some time, but I was just like, okay, it's fine. 00:50:50.719 --> 00:50:52.639 You know, you can live with your assumptions 00:50:52.639 --> 00:50:55.829 I don't feel the need to educate you But then, 00:50:55.829 --> 00:50:59.670 yeah, then when he found out I'm trans, then 00:50:59.670 --> 00:51:04.929 threw me out and also just lied in general. I 00:51:04.929 --> 00:51:06.449 don't even want to repeat some of the stuff he 00:51:06.449 --> 00:51:08.989 said, but he was just making up lies as he went 00:51:08.989 --> 00:51:13.130 along. I mean, it's also like when he decides 00:51:13.130 --> 00:51:15.730 to make breakfast, then I must now, he doesn't 00:51:15.730 --> 00:51:17.389 want to ask me, I must come and make it and make 00:51:17.389 --> 00:51:20.550 coffee for the two of us. And so there was also 00:51:20.550 --> 00:51:23.719 this other thing of Okay, so he asked me wants 00:51:23.719 --> 00:51:26.820 to bring him a coffee in bed as well And I was 00:51:26.820 --> 00:51:29.880 like, um, this is a bit of unusual request. It's 00:51:29.880 --> 00:51:32.500 fine. I'll do it But then I gave him his coffee 00:51:32.500 --> 00:51:34.719 and then walked out as soon as possible. So I 00:51:34.719 --> 00:51:37.219 was hoping that would be the hint Would also 00:51:37.219 --> 00:51:39.980 walk in his speedo around me and like like I 00:51:39.980 --> 00:51:42.739 said to you Jabba the heart looks better than 00:51:42.739 --> 00:51:46.519 this guy. So now you've got this massively Ugly 00:51:46.519 --> 00:51:50.429 guy walking around mainly naked and he's having 00:51:50.429 --> 00:51:52.949 a conversation with you and you're so uncomfortable 00:51:52.949 --> 00:51:58.489 around him and he's like sneezing at every woman 00:51:58.489 --> 00:52:00.429 he gets a chance at because he's going through 00:52:00.429 --> 00:52:03.230 a divorce and telling everybody about it. No 00:52:03.230 --> 00:52:06.929 wonder he's getting a divorce. Yeah yeah because 00:52:06.929 --> 00:52:10.289 also one of the things he told me was that um 00:52:10.289 --> 00:52:13.949 he was doing some work in a different part of 00:52:13.949 --> 00:52:16.750 um the western cape and then he mentioned like 00:52:16.750 --> 00:52:19.639 you know like having a sexual encounter with 00:52:19.639 --> 00:52:21.860 a much older woman and I pieced together this 00:52:21.860 --> 00:52:24.099 was while he was still married and he and his 00:52:24.099 --> 00:52:26.320 wife were supposed to be monogamous. I asked 00:52:26.320 --> 00:52:30.440 him because he said, no, he had three Sims and 00:52:30.440 --> 00:52:32.679 orgies and all that. I said, oh, so you two were 00:52:32.679 --> 00:52:34.940 swing a couple? He said, no, no, I was. So I 00:52:34.940 --> 00:52:37.760 was like, oh, okay. So just, he was just cheating. 00:52:38.739 --> 00:52:42.260 It's not how it works now. And then, so thank 00:52:42.260 --> 00:52:44.760 God he actually threw me, like I'm actually an 00:52:44.760 --> 00:52:46.619 atheist now, but thank God, praise Jesus, he 00:52:46.619 --> 00:52:50.199 threw me out. So, because it was getting a little 00:52:50.199 --> 00:52:53.960 bit much. He had a weird attachment over me and 00:52:53.960 --> 00:52:59.360 I think it probably wouldn't have been very comfortable 00:52:59.360 --> 00:53:03.480 staying there. So, it's best I left. And then 00:53:03.480 --> 00:53:07.320 yeah, then got to Stellenbosch, staying in the 00:53:07.320 --> 00:53:10.559 backpackers there while I was busy doing my telesales 00:53:10.559 --> 00:53:14.849 job. everybody was really shocked when they heard 00:53:14.849 --> 00:53:18.570 the story of, I'm basically without a house and 00:53:18.570 --> 00:53:20.949 I'm still working. I have to come in and work 00:53:20.949 --> 00:53:23.610 like nothing's different. It was the most terrible 00:53:23.610 --> 00:53:26.369 feeling in the world. It's like, where am I going 00:53:26.369 --> 00:53:29.690 to go next? I don't have a house. How did you 00:53:29.690 --> 00:53:34.110 pull that off? Good question. I think the thing 00:53:34.110 --> 00:53:36.250 that really helped me was when I came down to 00:53:36.250 --> 00:53:38.429 Strand, I immediately started doing therapy. 00:53:40.269 --> 00:53:43.150 I got a therapist through Humanitas. They're 00:53:43.150 --> 00:53:44.829 a brilliant organization. So anybody looking 00:53:44.829 --> 00:53:48.369 for mental health help in South Africa, I mean, 00:53:48.409 --> 00:53:51.190 it's free. So you can apply to Humanitas. Obviously 00:53:51.190 --> 00:53:53.909 there's a bit of a waiting list. And so I had 00:53:53.909 --> 00:53:57.989 free therapy and she's been really great. And 00:53:57.989 --> 00:54:00.070 yeah, so like every single week, like we were 00:54:00.070 --> 00:54:02.130 like checking in and you know, like checking 00:54:02.130 --> 00:54:04.389 my moods because obviously it was a huge shift 00:54:04.389 --> 00:54:07.309 coming down to Cape Town. Uh, I keep on saying 00:54:07.309 --> 00:54:09.469 Cape town when I mean the Western Cape. So the 00:54:09.469 --> 00:54:13.210 Western Cape in general. And yeah, because it's 00:54:13.210 --> 00:54:14.829 also a bit of a culture shock because things 00:54:14.829 --> 00:54:17.170 work very differently to where I'm used to and 00:54:17.170 --> 00:54:19.329 how taking the Northern part of South Africa. 00:54:20.010 --> 00:54:24.329 It's there. It's very, very quick. And here it's 00:54:24.329 --> 00:54:26.909 very much not the same way. It's very multicultural 00:54:26.909 --> 00:54:30.329 and a lot more relaxed and people are open about 00:54:30.329 --> 00:54:34.010 things like drug use, for example. And it, it 00:54:34.010 --> 00:54:37.210 was, it's quite a shock. coming down here but 00:54:37.210 --> 00:54:39.429 while I was busy working then yeah I was doing 00:54:39.429 --> 00:54:42.050 therapy and it's just you know taking it a day 00:54:42.050 --> 00:54:43.690 at a time like there were some days where I was 00:54:43.690 --> 00:54:46.429 sitting there like okay um I don't have any place 00:54:46.429 --> 00:54:48.710 booked for the night like I don't have a place 00:54:48.710 --> 00:54:52.550 to stay tonight so what am I gonna do you know 00:54:52.550 --> 00:54:55.590 and you know like tell friends you know like 00:54:55.590 --> 00:54:58.449 I need some help um and then we would just book 00:54:58.449 --> 00:55:02.090 it one night at a time and uh eventually like 00:55:02.090 --> 00:55:03.590 one of the people was working out because I was 00:55:03.590 --> 00:55:05.449 telling a lot of people while I was there at 00:55:05.449 --> 00:55:07.530 At the office like you know this happened and 00:55:07.530 --> 00:55:10.869 then one guy said okay. Well, he's leaving He 00:55:10.869 --> 00:55:12.809 can't keep up with his job and tell ourselves, 00:55:12.849 --> 00:55:15.730 but he was gonna stay with this guy in Stellenbosch 00:55:15.730 --> 00:55:18.969 So here's the contact so make contact with a 00:55:18.969 --> 00:55:21.730 guy who seemed nice enough stoner, you know So 00:55:21.730 --> 00:55:24.030 I thought he would be really relaxed. He's there 00:55:24.030 --> 00:55:27.650 in La Colline which is like on the border of 00:55:27.650 --> 00:55:30.289 Stellenbosch and Clutusville. So it's very much 00:55:30.289 --> 00:55:34.190 on the on the cusp because Stellenbosch itself 00:55:34.190 --> 00:55:36.469 Central is a lot of students, but they reach 00:55:36.469 --> 00:55:38.530 your people and then you've got the wine lands 00:55:38.530 --> 00:55:42.170 and then yeah, you've got the Here goes to a 00:55:42.170 --> 00:55:44.510 more lower income. I was saying an actually but 00:55:44.510 --> 00:55:48.550 more of a lower income area and Yeah, the reason 00:55:48.550 --> 00:55:51.070 I just mentioned is to paint a picture of what 00:55:51.070 --> 00:55:54.369 what it was like One guy spoke to, we spoke about 00:55:54.369 --> 00:55:57.650 the exact complex I was living in. His words 00:55:57.650 --> 00:56:01.429 were, it's not bad, but it's not good. So that's 00:56:01.429 --> 00:56:04.769 pretty much how we describe it. So then I stayed 00:56:04.769 --> 00:56:06.650 with this guy and he seemed normal enough. I 00:56:06.650 --> 00:56:09.929 mean, we drank a lot and you know, like he gave 00:56:09.929 --> 00:56:12.929 me some weed and I also like got into the whole 00:56:12.929 --> 00:56:14.929 weed scene for just about a month. And then I 00:56:14.929 --> 00:56:19.489 decided it wasn't for me. And then there were 00:56:19.489 --> 00:56:22.340 some hints like there initially. Because he he 00:56:22.340 --> 00:56:24.239 visited with his brother and they they're very 00:56:24.239 --> 00:56:28.380 weird people they like very Bohemian almost but 00:56:28.380 --> 00:56:31.179 Like I was a little bit inebriated at the time. 00:56:31.179 --> 00:56:33.599 So I didn't realize I'm actually Dealing with 00:56:33.599 --> 00:56:35.539 some people were saying some far -right things 00:56:35.539 --> 00:56:38.360 like it it was there I noticed it but you know, 00:56:38.539 --> 00:56:40.920 the alcohol was kind of like but that's not important 00:56:40.920 --> 00:56:42.960 right now You know, it's like because my brain 00:56:42.960 --> 00:56:45.739 was on another mission because I saw a cat who 00:56:45.739 --> 00:56:49.440 looked exactly like Hitler I know, random, but 00:56:49.440 --> 00:56:51.519 still. And then they said to me the cat's name. 00:56:54.320 --> 00:57:00.480 This cat, they said something like, I think his 00:57:00.480 --> 00:57:03.800 name is, we have a cat named something like that. 00:57:04.039 --> 00:57:06.159 Or they named him after a Nazi figure. And I 00:57:06.159 --> 00:57:08.579 was like, it's a bit weird to name your pet after 00:57:08.579 --> 00:57:13.179 a Nazi figure. So yeah, but like I said, as I 00:57:13.179 --> 00:57:15.599 was drunk at the time, it didn't fully come. 00:57:16.429 --> 00:57:18.389 Penetrate my noggin that maybe this isn't the 00:57:18.389 --> 00:57:20.349 best environment. Oh, yeah, and one woman also 00:57:20.349 --> 00:57:23.070 asked me It's like what is a woman and then then 00:57:23.070 --> 00:57:25.369 I just like answered as neutral as possible an 00:57:25.369 --> 00:57:27.789 adult human female that that's that's all I said 00:57:27.789 --> 00:57:30.809 so I didn't say anything about trans or anything 00:57:30.809 --> 00:57:34.469 because Yeah, but I was feeling like the vibes 00:57:34.469 --> 00:57:36.570 I thought this was a very friendly place because 00:57:36.570 --> 00:57:39.510 you know, I had what did I even have it? I had 00:57:39.510 --> 00:57:42.670 beer in I had some guy gave me 12 year old whiskey. 00:57:42.789 --> 00:57:46.050 Let me say that on the bottle Then I drank some 00:57:46.050 --> 00:57:48.769 of that and then I had some more beer. So I was 00:57:48.769 --> 00:57:52.449 not with the show entirely But then on the way 00:57:52.449 --> 00:57:54.550 back the the guy was saying with the landlord 00:57:54.550 --> 00:57:58.150 His car made a funny noise and he was like somebody's 00:57:58.150 --> 00:58:00.849 messing around with my car and then the whole 00:58:00.849 --> 00:58:03.849 night No, nobody touched his car anything then 00:58:03.849 --> 00:58:07.050 he was Then that was the first end that he this 00:58:07.050 --> 00:58:09.090 guy's a little bit, you know, he's not all right 00:58:09.090 --> 00:58:13.690 in the head because then also In his kitchen 00:58:13.690 --> 00:58:15.750 counter. He had this weird exercise. We would 00:58:15.750 --> 00:58:19.449 do Not kind of almost like a depth exercise, 00:58:19.449 --> 00:58:21.510 but this guy's got like massive hands. It's a 00:58:21.510 --> 00:58:24.690 big guy So then he like do these depth exercises 00:58:24.690 --> 00:58:27.130 you would hear the table crack when he's busy 00:58:27.130 --> 00:58:29.929 doing this Then later on he came in randomly 00:58:29.929 --> 00:58:32.050 and he asked me. It's like, you know, there's 00:58:32.050 --> 00:58:33.909 there's a crack over there Do you know who caused 00:58:33.909 --> 00:58:39.409 that? I looked at him like No, I didn't I didn't 00:58:39.409 --> 00:58:41.710 cause that it never got into his head. Okay, 00:58:41.809 --> 00:58:43.599 listen here It's because you're doing those freaking 00:58:43.599 --> 00:58:46.320 stupid exercises and you're cracking a table. 00:58:46.320 --> 00:58:48.920 That's what happened. So you would constantly 00:58:48.920 --> 00:58:52.159 see cracks in the wall and in his room, there 00:58:52.159 --> 00:58:54.000 was a crack above the ceiling. He said that wasn't 00:58:54.000 --> 00:58:55.659 there. And I said to him, listen, I've never 00:58:55.659 --> 00:58:58.420 been in your room. And he told me, no, no, no, 00:58:58.420 --> 00:59:00.239 you can come in and take a look. And I refused 00:59:00.239 --> 00:59:02.559 to come into his room because I just think as 00:59:02.559 --> 00:59:04.179 a matter of principle, if you've got a landlord, 00:59:04.219 --> 00:59:09.150 you never. Into their room ever. It just felt 00:59:09.150 --> 00:59:10.929 uncomfortable, especially when it's a man who 00:59:10.929 --> 00:59:12.650 barely now. I don't enter his room. You don't 00:59:12.650 --> 00:59:16.150 even have to explain it. Yeah, I don't even have 00:59:16.150 --> 00:59:18.050 to explain it, but it was just, I just told him, 00:59:18.269 --> 00:59:19.909 no, no, no. I refuse to come into your room. 00:59:20.010 --> 00:59:21.869 I firmly told him that. And I said to him, I've 00:59:21.869 --> 00:59:24.369 never been in your room. That's not me. That's, 00:59:24.369 --> 00:59:27.369 that's either it was there or somebody worked 00:59:27.369 --> 00:59:29.809 in there and they caused that crack. But I told 00:59:29.809 --> 00:59:32.190 him as well, I don't think that's just possible. 00:59:32.809 --> 00:59:34.869 So then he got more and more paranoid. And I 00:59:34.869 --> 00:59:36.690 actually really got scared for my life at one 00:59:36.690 --> 00:59:39.920 point because this guy. started threatening me 00:59:39.920 --> 00:59:43.460 and then eventually I just made, I remember this 00:59:43.460 --> 00:59:46.219 day, I was at work and sitting with this stress 00:59:46.219 --> 00:59:49.639 again, I was like, well, look, if it's being 00:59:49.639 --> 00:59:53.679 threatened by him or living in a hostel again, 00:59:53.679 --> 00:59:56.119 I would rather just go back to a hostel. So I 00:59:56.119 --> 00:59:58.780 made that decision and I was about to, you know, 00:59:58.900 --> 01:00:00.599 go home and get my things. Then he sent me a 01:00:00.599 --> 01:00:02.860 message and he said, okay, leave. I don't want 01:00:02.860 --> 01:00:04.880 you around anymore. So it was kind of like a 01:00:04.880 --> 01:00:07.750 call. I made the decision, but now I no longer 01:00:07.750 --> 01:00:10.630 have a choice in any case. And he took my, I 01:00:10.630 --> 01:00:12.429 gave him a thousand round deposit. He took that 01:00:12.429 --> 01:00:14.530 deposit as well because apparently I was the 01:00:14.530 --> 01:00:17.670 one causing cracks in his walls. So it just, 01:00:18.630 --> 01:00:21.010 people take your rent. Then they just throw you 01:00:21.010 --> 01:00:23.150 out the street, which is anyways illegal in South 01:00:23.150 --> 01:00:26.110 Africa, but people still do it in any case. So 01:00:26.110 --> 01:00:29.050 yeah, but then directly after that, I went back 01:00:29.050 --> 01:00:32.070 to the hostel where I'd stayed at the first time 01:00:32.070 --> 01:00:34.800 this happened. And it was really quiet and I, 01:00:34.800 --> 01:00:37.420 I don't know, I didn't, it felt very isolating 01:00:37.420 --> 01:00:39.699 there, but I met the owners. They were pretty 01:00:39.699 --> 01:00:43.300 jovial people. Yeah. Then eventually I got like 01:00:43.300 --> 01:00:45.920 applied for volunteering here at SoulFam who 01:00:45.920 --> 01:00:48.619 had just opened and I wasn't aware, but saw their 01:00:48.619 --> 01:00:50.440 website. They're like, if you're LGBT and you 01:00:50.440 --> 01:00:51.860 want to come and volunteer, then come here. And 01:00:51.860 --> 01:00:54.780 I was like, well, this is a godsend. I say again, 01:00:54.820 --> 01:00:58.780 as an atheist. And then, yeah, I applied to come 01:00:58.780 --> 01:01:01.329 down here. then for the first week I tried to 01:01:01.329 --> 01:01:03.550 maintain my sales job, but it became apparent 01:01:03.550 --> 01:01:06.889 I'm not able to do both. So then I left my tele 01:01:06.889 --> 01:01:10.269 -sales job and yeah, been working for myself 01:01:10.269 --> 01:01:15.650 freelance again. And yeah, I've also met a lot 01:01:15.650 --> 01:01:19.949 of interesting people through here. So it's been, 01:01:20.070 --> 01:01:23.250 since here, it's been on an upward journey. I've 01:01:23.250 --> 01:01:26.170 been... interfacing a lot with the trans community. 01:01:26.289 --> 01:01:28.869 Met a trans man as well now who I've been talking 01:01:28.869 --> 01:01:30.670 to. He's going through a bit of a rough time 01:01:30.670 --> 01:01:35.269 and is currently living in a shelter. Yeah, but 01:01:35.269 --> 01:01:39.050 it's been great interfacing with the larger trans 01:01:39.050 --> 01:01:41.989 community and just getting to know such awesome 01:01:41.989 --> 01:01:44.929 people. Make it a daily event to go down to the 01:01:44.929 --> 01:01:48.449 lighthouse in Greenpoint. Just hang around the 01:01:48.449 --> 01:01:51.730 beach there. It's so nice. So many people have 01:01:51.730 --> 01:01:54.760 their dogs there, so it's cool. And I walked 01:01:54.760 --> 01:01:56.599 through the Greenpoint park. It's such a lovely 01:01:56.599 --> 01:02:01.400 environment. Through basically the toughest time 01:02:01.400 --> 01:02:03.480 of my life, I've ended up, I've accomplished 01:02:03.480 --> 01:02:05.739 the major life goal, which is being in Cape Town 01:02:05.739 --> 01:02:09.239 itself. There's like, it was a really tough year, 01:02:09.420 --> 01:02:12.780 but it's, you know, as the phrase goes, it was 01:02:12.780 --> 01:02:14.960 the best at times. It was the worst of times. 01:02:14.960 --> 01:02:18.380 And that's basically been 2025 for me. So yeah, 01:02:18.619 --> 01:02:21.630 that's been my journey. I still think there's 01:02:21.630 --> 01:02:23.329 going to be a few plot twists before the year 01:02:23.329 --> 01:02:26.429 ends, to be honest. So I'm excited and a little 01:02:26.429 --> 01:02:28.829 scared to see where things go, but mainly excited. 01:02:30.090 --> 01:02:33.409 We still have four months to go. Yeah, that's 01:02:33.409 --> 01:02:39.349 scary. That is an epic story. Thank you. You 01:02:39.349 --> 01:02:43.820 said at one stage that you were... Sorry, I keep 01:02:43.820 --> 01:02:46.199 bumping this thing. You said at one stage that 01:02:46.199 --> 01:02:48.980 you were relieved that you were detransitioning 01:02:48.980 --> 01:02:53.420 back in 2023. It was relief because you don't 01:02:53.420 --> 01:02:58.000 have to go through transition. Or it was relief 01:02:58.000 --> 01:03:02.420 because you don't have to experience the discrimination 01:03:02.420 --> 01:03:06.300 you have to face by going through transition. 01:03:06.559 --> 01:03:10.250 It's a bit difficult to say, but I think. where 01:03:10.250 --> 01:03:12.329 my age face was at at the time was my sister 01:03:12.329 --> 01:03:15.730 was living with me and uh it uh like there was 01:03:15.730 --> 01:03:17.869 some difficulty in the family at the time and 01:03:17.869 --> 01:03:20.670 so it was a difficult living situation like i 01:03:20.670 --> 01:03:24.210 mean i didn't have any furniture and so and we 01:03:24.210 --> 01:03:26.269 were actually just being i think maybe what i 01:03:26.269 --> 01:03:28.590 felt was like we were being very positive and 01:03:28.590 --> 01:03:31.349 you know getting along and making some good plans 01:03:31.349 --> 01:03:35.809 for where we can go next and yeah that's that's 01:03:35.809 --> 01:03:37.929 that's mainly what i felt it's like we were actually 01:03:37.929 --> 01:03:42.670 getting along well And I was also maybe relieved, 01:03:42.670 --> 01:03:44.889 you know, I don't have to go through this discrimination 01:03:44.889 --> 01:03:48.489 that that's also part of it. But like I said, 01:03:48.610 --> 01:03:52.210 it was, it was a relief, but it was also quite 01:03:52.210 --> 01:03:56.630 a temporary relief because then about a month 01:03:56.630 --> 01:04:00.269 after that, I came crashing down again. And also 01:04:00.269 --> 01:04:03.909 it's with the dissociation, I realized it was 01:04:03.909 --> 01:04:05.769 a lot deeper than I actually thought it was. 01:04:05.889 --> 01:04:09.909 Like there was. I don't really still experience 01:04:09.909 --> 01:04:12.030 this as strongly, but at the time when I was 01:04:12.030 --> 01:04:14.929 living in Pretoria, because I'd gone through 01:04:14.929 --> 01:04:20.309 a few traumatic events from 2021 to 2023, like 01:04:20.309 --> 01:04:24.769 I I had COVID in 2021. I still can't smell all 01:04:24.769 --> 01:04:27.250 that well because of it. Like my sense of smell 01:04:27.250 --> 01:04:30.090 is impaired permanently because of it. Well, 01:04:30.090 --> 01:04:33.130 I'm not sure if permanently, but it's been basically 01:04:33.130 --> 01:04:37.280 permanently impaired since then. Then I I went 01:04:37.280 --> 01:04:39.559 through a lot of traumatic experiences like, 01:04:39.559 --> 01:04:42.880 you know, being sexually assaulted at the workplace 01:04:42.880 --> 01:04:47.699 and also just experiencing that. And then I started 01:04:47.699 --> 01:04:49.460 to come to terms with my gender identity and 01:04:49.460 --> 01:04:52.199 I thought, you know, is one causing the other? 01:04:52.199 --> 01:04:53.920 Because there is, I think there is a bit of a 01:04:53.920 --> 01:04:55.960 stereotype, you know, you know, if you go through 01:04:55.960 --> 01:04:59.619 sexual trauma, then that, there is that stereotype 01:04:59.619 --> 01:05:01.940 and unfortunately it was ingrained into me. So 01:05:01.940 --> 01:05:05.420 I thought one is causing the other. So I was 01:05:05.420 --> 01:05:09.659 like, still believing that and you know the transitioning 01:05:09.659 --> 01:05:13.219 and thinking that is because of this because 01:05:13.219 --> 01:05:19.099 in When was it? I think it was late 2022. It 01:05:19.099 --> 01:05:21.260 was before my sister came to stay with me early 01:05:21.260 --> 01:05:25.800 2023 Actually late 2022 the the month before 01:05:25.800 --> 01:05:29.340 I started going to therapy like I mean So some 01:05:29.340 --> 01:05:31.760 girl I knew flashed me at the working environment 01:05:31.760 --> 01:05:34.099 and that that doesn't sound like much but it 01:05:34.099 --> 01:05:37.150 was traumatic just you know being you know having 01:05:37.150 --> 01:05:39.170 somebody expose themselves to you while you're 01:05:39.170 --> 01:05:43.130 busy at work and I've because I was working on 01:05:43.130 --> 01:05:44.889 the computer you know it's the one place I actually 01:05:44.889 --> 01:05:47.590 really feel safe I always feel safe when I'm 01:05:47.590 --> 01:05:49.630 looking at a computer when it's my computer or 01:05:49.630 --> 01:05:52.530 somebody else's and then ever since then it's 01:05:52.530 --> 01:05:54.510 just it's been very hard for me to actually sit 01:05:54.510 --> 01:05:56.710 here physically doing this without you know spacing 01:05:56.710 --> 01:06:01.489 out because it it seemed like a minor thing because 01:06:01.489 --> 01:06:04.139 you know and there's also a lot of stereotypes 01:06:04.139 --> 01:06:08.239 in place but then I started going through this 01:06:08.239 --> 01:06:12.980 transition and I was also thinking is it because 01:06:12.980 --> 01:06:16.179 of this or that and you know and then about a 01:06:16.179 --> 01:06:19.019 few months later like one of my neighbors at 01:06:19.019 --> 01:06:22.119 the place I was staying at he invited me in for 01:06:22.119 --> 01:06:26.000 a drink and like I thought okay the guy was a 01:06:26.000 --> 01:06:28.320 little bit weird but you know I'm weird too so 01:06:28.320 --> 01:06:31.239 I thought whatever The next thing you know, he's 01:06:31.239 --> 01:06:33.460 like trying to push me into something. They like 01:06:33.460 --> 01:06:35.980 making advances. And I told them, listen here, 01:06:36.019 --> 01:06:39.059 I'm not interested. Um, and then he knew what 01:06:39.059 --> 01:06:41.199 he was doing is wrong. And then I just had to 01:06:41.199 --> 01:06:44.179 quickly hightail it out of that situation. And 01:06:44.179 --> 01:06:46.900 so I made a call to my, to my dad to go and do 01:06:46.900 --> 01:06:50.460 my laundry. Place I had I didn't have a washing 01:06:50.460 --> 01:06:53.219 machine. So I had to always lug my laundry in 01:06:53.219 --> 01:06:57.199 the in the washing bin two blocks back home Like 01:06:57.199 --> 01:06:59.420 walk with it because I didn't have a have a car. 01:06:59.500 --> 01:07:03.500 So then that was my escape So I got on the call 01:07:03.500 --> 01:07:06.460 with a guy with my dad and then just walked out 01:07:06.460 --> 01:07:08.659 of the apartment The guy said nothing didn't 01:07:08.659 --> 01:07:11.820 come to look for me or anything. I think he knew 01:07:11.820 --> 01:07:17.820 like okay charades over and Yeah, then I thankfully 01:07:18.119 --> 01:07:21.199 took some, well, I didn't go through lawyer, 01:07:21.280 --> 01:07:23.579 but I went through official means to get the 01:07:23.579 --> 01:07:26.179 guy out of the apartment complex and he left 01:07:26.179 --> 01:07:29.400 without any further incident. So I drew upon 01:07:29.400 --> 01:07:31.860 my support network, but I also think then there 01:07:31.860 --> 01:07:33.760 was a little bit of discrimination that happened 01:07:33.760 --> 01:07:38.800 because I mean, I think maybe those people, I 01:07:38.800 --> 01:07:41.599 noticed there was a pulling away with communication. 01:07:42.139 --> 01:07:43.820 We were once on good terms, but now suddenly 01:07:43.820 --> 01:07:45.710 they weren't. really talking to me anymore when 01:07:45.710 --> 01:07:47.190 I mentioned what had happened, because I told 01:07:47.190 --> 01:07:48.829 them exactly what happened the day it happened. 01:07:48.949 --> 01:07:54.409 I sent a voice now to the guy, the manager, and 01:07:54.409 --> 01:07:57.150 they were pretty shocked by it, but they, I don't 01:07:57.150 --> 01:07:58.869 know, they made it more about themselves than 01:07:58.869 --> 01:08:01.750 anything else. So they didn't really ever check 01:08:01.750 --> 01:08:05.429 in with me again, ask how I'm doing. And my first 01:08:05.429 --> 01:08:08.769 therapist turned into a racial issue. So that 01:08:08.769 --> 01:08:14.619 was weird. second therapist was at least very 01:08:14.619 --> 01:08:17.439 supportive. So I spoke about both of these. And 01:08:17.439 --> 01:08:20.079 then, so to come back to the old relief I felt 01:08:20.079 --> 01:08:23.300 was the reason why I was short -lived is because 01:08:23.300 --> 01:08:26.739 I was still dealing with that trauma. And that's 01:08:26.739 --> 01:08:30.239 not something that really goes away easily. Because 01:08:30.239 --> 01:08:34.260 it becomes such a weird part. It's like a computer 01:08:34.260 --> 01:08:37.439 virus, a worm. It infects different parts of 01:08:37.439 --> 01:08:40.260 your system and then things aren't running correctly 01:08:40.260 --> 01:08:44.819 and you just... Don't know why and then I also 01:08:44.819 --> 01:08:48.140 realized like this. There's a lot of stuff that 01:08:48.140 --> 01:08:51.300 By my traumatic response is to look for affirmation 01:08:51.300 --> 01:08:53.819 from people the whole time even bad people have 01:08:53.819 --> 01:08:56.979 this compulsive need to be on the good side and 01:08:56.979 --> 01:08:59.439 Then I would look at myself act and I'm like, 01:08:59.520 --> 01:09:01.819 you see I mean my sister also pointed this out 01:09:01.819 --> 01:09:04.180 to me It's like why are you befriending some 01:09:04.180 --> 01:09:06.600 of the biggest assholes in the world? Why are 01:09:06.600 --> 01:09:09.119 you being nice to them? Tell them to fuck off? 01:09:09.979 --> 01:09:13.859 And I would be like no I have to you know Because 01:09:13.859 --> 01:09:17.079 I thought I did because I didn't know my anything 01:09:17.079 --> 01:09:19.479 about my attachment style until now recently 01:09:19.479 --> 01:09:22.279 I realized that I'm you know preoccupied anxious 01:09:22.279 --> 01:09:25.739 and this this is exactly what an anxious attachment 01:09:25.739 --> 01:09:27.779 style does is you're always scared of being abandoned 01:09:27.779 --> 01:09:30.779 so you and you're always scared of conflict so 01:09:30.779 --> 01:09:33.680 you do whatever you can not to be abandoned and 01:09:33.680 --> 01:09:36.399 even if you're not in a good environment and 01:09:36.399 --> 01:09:40.989 then yeah, then eventually Being around people 01:09:40.989 --> 01:09:43.289 who've hurt me a lot that were being around the 01:09:43.289 --> 01:09:46.930 same person who you know harassed me It started 01:09:46.930 --> 01:09:49.390 to really chip away at me just piece by piece. 01:09:49.390 --> 01:09:51.909 It's all I could no longer function so when she 01:09:51.909 --> 01:09:54.689 had to leave the environment and then but I started 01:09:54.689 --> 01:09:59.369 transitioning again and then yeah, and once again 01:09:59.369 --> 01:10:01.949 this I've realized now there is this pattern 01:10:01.949 --> 01:10:05.590 where I seem to get involved with we could have 01:10:05.590 --> 01:10:09.439 bad men in my life and that I think it's that 01:10:09.439 --> 01:10:11.859 attachment style keeps on drawing because they 01:10:11.859 --> 01:10:13.739 see this vulnerability and they like to prey 01:10:13.739 --> 01:10:17.859 on it. This happened to me so many times. I mean, 01:10:19.579 --> 01:10:21.300 when like the landlords I mentioned, but what 01:10:21.300 --> 01:10:23.039 I also didn't mention is like this year, like 01:10:23.039 --> 01:10:24.739 there was somebody who I thought was a friend. 01:10:25.020 --> 01:10:27.180 I mean, the guy was really cold and critical 01:10:27.180 --> 01:10:29.800 and negative towards me and he was saying racerialist 01:10:29.800 --> 01:10:32.899 stuff. But when I was kicked out, like Stayed 01:10:32.899 --> 01:10:34.920 with a guy for a weekend, but I'm not gonna go 01:10:34.920 --> 01:10:36.960 into a lot of detail with Lisa say he plastered 01:10:36.960 --> 01:10:38.819 me with so many drinks I couldn't really function 01:10:38.819 --> 01:10:41.739 anymore. And then like I drew a boundary with 01:10:41.739 --> 01:10:45.420 him at one sexual act like we started to hook 01:10:45.420 --> 01:10:48.399 up but Then I told them there's one act, you 01:10:48.399 --> 01:10:51.340 know, like I'm not open to and then while he 01:10:51.340 --> 01:10:53.100 thought I was asleep he tried to do that with 01:10:53.100 --> 01:10:57.399 me and then because I was still awake asked him 01:10:57.399 --> 01:10:59.180 what are you doing and then he immediately backed 01:10:59.180 --> 01:11:02.199 off like the guy became shit scared very quickly 01:11:02.199 --> 01:11:04.939 because he knew what he was doing was wrong so 01:11:04.939 --> 01:11:06.859 then I just got out of bed and went and stepped 01:11:06.859 --> 01:11:09.699 in the next room once same deal but guy never 01:11:09.699 --> 01:11:11.899 checked in or asked about it he knew what he 01:11:11.899 --> 01:11:16.920 was doing is wrong but then later through therapy 01:11:16.920 --> 01:11:19.439 like I remember my my therapist was actually 01:11:19.439 --> 01:11:21.119 a little bit freaked out when I told her this 01:11:21.119 --> 01:11:24.289 is like this whole event came spelling out is 01:11:24.289 --> 01:11:26.229 like she told me this sounds very traumatic and 01:11:26.229 --> 01:11:29.449 I was like yeah it was and then eventually I 01:11:29.449 --> 01:11:31.829 was trying to make peace with the guy again you 01:11:31.829 --> 01:11:35.590 know fearful attachment you know like I feel 01:11:35.590 --> 01:11:40.770 I need to do what's best then I just like I woke 01:11:40.770 --> 01:11:42.750 up the next morning and like a voice inside my 01:11:42.750 --> 01:11:46.170 head told me hey you know this you don't need 01:11:46.170 --> 01:11:47.949 this guy in your life you really should stay 01:11:47.949 --> 01:11:49.789 away from him so then I sent him a message and 01:11:49.789 --> 01:11:53.039 I said to him Look, I've tried to make peace 01:11:53.039 --> 01:11:55.579 with you, but you're not a good person. I want 01:11:55.579 --> 01:11:57.279 nothing to do with you. Don't even contact me 01:11:57.279 --> 01:12:00.840 again." And I blocked him. And I'm really glad 01:12:00.840 --> 01:12:03.279 I did that because that was actually a major 01:12:03.279 --> 01:12:06.420 turning point for me. And I think that's really 01:12:06.420 --> 01:12:10.340 been the biggest victory this year was just realizing 01:12:10.340 --> 01:12:15.260 that, hey, you know, this is why I keep on falling 01:12:15.260 --> 01:12:17.640 into the same pattern the whole time. And I've 01:12:17.640 --> 01:12:20.619 taken steps to stop it from happening, but it's... 01:12:20.220 --> 01:12:23.380 It's difficult. I mean if you've been raised 01:12:23.380 --> 01:12:26.600 with an abusive parent like an abusive father 01:12:26.600 --> 01:12:32.119 then that And especially like at the level we 01:12:32.119 --> 01:12:36.539 were raised. It's so insidious. It's like Like 01:12:36.539 --> 01:12:38.520 I told my therapist, you know, I've healed with 01:12:38.520 --> 01:12:40.479 a lot of wounds and I've learned to work past 01:12:40.479 --> 01:12:43.859 them But there's it's death by a thousand cuts. 01:12:44.180 --> 01:12:46.859 I've healed 500 cuts, but I've still got 500 01:12:46.859 --> 01:12:49.699 more I've got to work through so you don't realize 01:12:49.699 --> 01:12:52.880 how much of your life is just governed by post 01:12:52.880 --> 01:12:58.699 -trauma and Yeah, it's but I have to say realizing 01:12:58.699 --> 01:13:02.880 who my attachment style and Realizing it's because 01:13:02.880 --> 01:13:05.460 of because your attachment style falls when you're 01:13:05.460 --> 01:13:08.539 at your most helpless your first Three years 01:13:08.539 --> 01:13:11.699 your first 18 months. So that's before your conscious 01:13:11.699 --> 01:13:15.659 memory really starts to kick in So that's actually 01:13:15.659 --> 01:13:18.140 when you're helpless. So it's something that's 01:13:18.079 --> 01:13:21.600 beyond, I'm not in control, I'm not in control 01:13:21.600 --> 01:13:24.140 of the fact that I have an anxious attachment 01:13:24.140 --> 01:13:27.800 style, but I'm still in control of how I react 01:13:27.800 --> 01:13:30.640 and we can start to heal and become more secure 01:13:30.640 --> 01:13:34.300 in our attachments. And I think, yeah, that was 01:13:34.300 --> 01:13:36.779 the biggest thing I realized was like, I have 01:13:36.779 --> 01:13:38.500 this pattern of getting involved with these bad 01:13:38.500 --> 01:13:42.100 men and realizing that now is also like a cool. 01:13:43.120 --> 01:13:45.479 if I meet a man and he's making all kinds of 01:13:45.479 --> 01:13:47.920 promises, then I really have to look at the facts. 01:13:48.579 --> 01:13:51.300 And it's almost like you have this self -hatred 01:13:51.300 --> 01:13:53.399 that keeps on letting you fall into the same 01:13:53.399 --> 01:13:58.500 pattern. But yeah, it's been a difficult thing 01:13:58.500 --> 01:14:03.460 to deal with. And yeah, it's been very healing, 01:14:03.479 --> 01:14:05.079 but at the same time, there's still a lot of 01:14:05.079 --> 01:14:07.560 work to be done. So yeah, but to answer your 01:14:07.560 --> 01:14:10.079 question, that's how my year was. That's wild. 01:14:10.539 --> 01:14:13.340 I was thinking about I had multiple questions 01:14:13.340 --> 01:14:18.000 to ask while you were talking and they've gone 01:14:18.000 --> 01:14:22.060 away. Yeah. I was a little bit on a roll there, 01:14:22.060 --> 01:14:27.600 but yeah. I don't know what my attachment style 01:14:27.600 --> 01:14:30.859 is. What I do know is I've always been an exhibitionist 01:14:30.859 --> 01:14:39.600 and a bit of a slut. So those are things that 01:14:39.600 --> 01:14:44.840 I'm coming to terms with now. And I'm not saying 01:14:44.840 --> 01:14:47.699 those things as a bad thing. The stigmas have 01:14:47.699 --> 01:14:52.420 been lifted. But sometimes there's still self 01:14:52.420 --> 01:14:57.319 -deprecation. Let me tell you about my year anyway. 01:15:00.220 --> 01:15:02.079 I'm just trying to think about where to start. 01:15:02.260 --> 01:15:08.760 Back in 2022, my relationship became open and 01:15:08.760 --> 01:15:19.449 not... polyamorous, just open to being polyamorous. 01:15:22.050 --> 01:15:27.510 The right term is non -monogamous, right? Because 01:15:27.510 --> 01:15:30.630 those two things I think are a little bit different. 01:15:37.919 --> 01:15:40.899 And that didn't come from a bad space. You know, 01:15:40.939 --> 01:15:46.560 I hate this idea in a lot of the world that couples 01:15:46.560 --> 01:15:49.220 do this to try and save their marriage or whatever. 01:15:50.260 --> 01:15:55.560 No, our marriage was not in a great place. And 01:15:55.560 --> 01:15:58.800 then we tried something that we had discussed 01:15:58.800 --> 01:16:02.539 plenty of times before and it worked and our 01:16:02.539 --> 01:16:08.340 relationship started improving. My We also we 01:16:08.340 --> 01:16:12.220 also dug ourselves out of a mountain of debt 01:16:12.220 --> 01:16:15.640 in the order of out twenty or thirty thousand 01:16:15.640 --> 01:16:20.579 euros dollars and So that took about three years 01:16:20.579 --> 01:16:23.500 and we bought a new car in that time that I paid 01:16:23.500 --> 01:16:27.079 off so basically for for three years there was 01:16:27.079 --> 01:16:30.560 no money where we're like living living on this 01:16:30.560 --> 01:16:34.369 ground just and when I when I When I finally 01:16:34.369 --> 01:16:37.369 dug myself out of that, there was just this massive 01:16:37.369 --> 01:16:42.390 sense of relief and I came into a new job where 01:16:42.390 --> 01:16:48.149 there was enough money to start saving in earnest 01:16:48.149 --> 01:16:53.090 and start relaxing and stepping back. and thinking 01:16:53.090 --> 01:16:55.430 about things. And I've always wanted a podcast. 01:16:55.770 --> 01:17:00.729 Since the time I knew about podcast, I've wanted 01:17:00.729 --> 01:17:02.829 one, but I never knew what I wanted to talk about. 01:17:02.989 --> 01:17:05.869 Enter Kaleidoscope, because I realized that I 01:17:05.869 --> 01:17:08.069 just want to talk to people. I just want to find 01:17:08.069 --> 01:17:12.010 out what their stories are, how they've come 01:17:12.010 --> 01:17:17.670 to the space where they're at, and what that 01:17:17.670 --> 01:17:21.670 means for them. And then try and learn from that. 01:17:21.880 --> 01:17:24.140 because I think we can learn from everybody. 01:17:24.439 --> 01:17:29.039 And I also think that my own life was so kind 01:17:29.039 --> 01:17:33.760 of secluded and shut off for my own protection 01:17:33.760 --> 01:17:40.760 of hiding the fact that I'm transgender and just 01:17:40.760 --> 01:17:45.390 being perceived as an introvert. and having very 01:17:45.390 --> 01:17:49.189 few friends, not really socializing a lot. But 01:17:49.189 --> 01:17:53.350 when I do get talking, I love to go as deep as 01:17:53.350 --> 01:17:56.770 possible, especially with strangers. I just love 01:17:56.770 --> 01:17:59.729 interacting with strange people, like people 01:17:59.729 --> 01:18:06.369 I don't know, not strange people. Anyway, I became 01:18:06.369 --> 01:18:09.050 more and more depressed. We've been through this 01:18:09.050 --> 01:18:14.529 and then I found Away, and I went on to estrogen 01:18:14.529 --> 01:18:21.170 about a and spironolactone So anti androgens 01:18:21.170 --> 01:18:25.430 also think that I may have always been intersex 01:18:25.430 --> 01:18:29.810 or androgen insensitive Because I have never 01:18:29.810 --> 01:18:34.890 been a hairy person ever No, I was preparing 01:18:34.890 --> 01:18:39.029 to tell my family my closest relatives that I 01:18:39.029 --> 01:18:43.029 am transitioning And then I phoned them. I don't 01:18:43.029 --> 01:18:46.489 want to give too many details in public. They've 01:18:46.489 --> 01:18:50.489 asked not to. And I respect that. But I phoned 01:18:50.489 --> 01:18:53.210 and I was told that my letter had been read. 01:18:54.210 --> 01:18:57.329 And I was like, what letter? I haven't sent anyone 01:18:57.329 --> 01:19:01.109 any letters. And then they were like, oh, you're 01:19:01.109 --> 01:19:04.630 trans. Q, just like a defensive knee jerk reaction 01:19:04.630 --> 01:19:10.529 of me saying that this is completely out of line. 01:19:10.970 --> 01:19:16.930 And to invalidate that person's autonomy by telling 01:19:16.930 --> 01:19:19.989 other people is one of the worst things that 01:19:19.989 --> 01:19:24.590 you could possibly do to them. Imagine at the 01:19:24.590 --> 01:19:28.189 time I credited to a pregnant woman who finds 01:19:28.189 --> 01:19:31.810 out that she is pregnant, she confides in you 01:19:31.810 --> 01:19:33.670 that she is pregnant, but she tells you that 01:19:33.670 --> 01:19:36.010 she's not ready to tell anybody, and then you 01:19:36.010 --> 01:19:40.979 immediately go into life. It's a violation of 01:19:40.979 --> 01:19:47.340 privacy in the extreme. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. 01:19:47.699 --> 01:19:53.159 Anyway, so then I was, and I had also just received 01:19:53.159 --> 01:19:58.100 my prescription to get, I live in China, received 01:19:58.100 --> 01:20:01.659 my prescription to get HRT in China. So I started 01:20:01.659 --> 01:20:07.760 off non -prescription. I had. Made my own estrogen 01:20:07.760 --> 01:20:12.760 a lot of it I have enough estrogen in that drawer 01:20:12.760 --> 01:20:16.119 over there to last me like two years so I had 01:20:16.119 --> 01:20:19.479 made my own and Just just to prepare because 01:20:19.479 --> 01:20:21.659 I had no idea what was going to happen, but I 01:20:21.659 --> 01:20:26.279 know that if I stop it's not going to be It's 01:20:26.279 --> 01:20:29.220 not going to be good It's not it's not a good 01:20:29.220 --> 01:20:35.050 thing for for me because my brain has rewired 01:20:35.050 --> 01:20:38.210 itself completely. Like I don't think the same 01:20:38.210 --> 01:20:40.489 way anymore. I don't perceive the world in the 01:20:40.489 --> 01:20:43.390 same way. And that happened like days after I 01:20:43.390 --> 01:20:48.149 realized and embraced this my own identity. So 01:20:48.149 --> 01:20:52.189 anyway, I had just received this prescription 01:20:52.189 --> 01:20:56.470 and I was trying to figure out how to deal with 01:20:56.470 --> 01:20:59.949 it, especially because I work with kids and Donald 01:20:59.949 --> 01:21:03.949 Trump had just been elected and told the world 01:21:03.949 --> 01:21:09.069 that we don't exist and that we are not who we 01:21:09.069 --> 01:21:12.409 say we are and that we are just a whole litany 01:21:12.409 --> 01:21:16.909 of terrible heinous things and we want to shoot 01:21:16.909 --> 01:21:21.130 everyone with guns apparently. So this was a 01:21:21.130 --> 01:21:24.050 problem for me and I knew that if I wanted to 01:21:24.050 --> 01:21:28.609 tell, like if somebody discovered this and I 01:21:28.609 --> 01:21:32.289 hadn't been proactive in that process, it could 01:21:32.430 --> 01:21:36.470 be very bad for me so I went to HR and I told 01:21:36.470 --> 01:21:41.890 them and then they two days later they said hey 01:21:41.890 --> 01:21:44.710 you said you would resign so we're here to collect 01:21:44.710 --> 01:21:49.869 your resignation letter and I told them that's 01:21:49.869 --> 01:21:53.810 not what I said there has been a heinous miscommunication 01:21:53.810 --> 01:21:57.409 I don't think you understand what I mean I tried 01:21:57.409 --> 01:22:01.359 to explain myself They said, we will take your 01:22:01.359 --> 01:22:04.180 resignation letter. You're going to affect the 01:22:04.180 --> 01:22:05.960 children. And then at that point I said, well, 01:22:06.020 --> 01:22:08.079 then you have to speak to them. So I did get 01:22:08.079 --> 01:22:10.659 a lawyer and everything stalled out because they 01:22:10.659 --> 01:22:14.119 wanted my visa to expire and forced me to leave, 01:22:14.340 --> 01:22:19.199 which would have been very bad. Even though I 01:22:19.199 --> 01:22:23.800 had other methods of staying in China, it just 01:22:23.800 --> 01:22:28.199 would have made my life quite difficult. So I 01:22:28.199 --> 01:22:35.439 went through about five months of just horrible 01:22:35.439 --> 01:22:40.039 hostility at work where my boss started completely 01:22:40.039 --> 01:22:44.699 ignoring me. People didn't respond like I would 01:22:44.699 --> 01:22:46.920 send HR a message like I need this document by 01:22:46.920 --> 01:22:50.659 this time. No response. I need you to tell me 01:22:50.659 --> 01:22:53.420 about this. And then they changed it. Oh, you 01:22:53.420 --> 01:22:55.659 don't want to give us your resignation letter? 01:22:56.200 --> 01:22:59.220 uh, we're canceling our contract. And then I 01:22:59.220 --> 01:23:02.720 said, well, my contract is a lot of money, a 01:23:02.720 --> 01:23:05.340 lot, a lot of money. And if you want to take 01:23:05.340 --> 01:23:09.720 that route, then you're going to pay me out the 01:23:09.720 --> 01:23:12.960 full value of the contract because that's, that's 01:23:12.960 --> 01:23:15.520 the rule. That's the, that's the labor law in 01:23:15.520 --> 01:23:18.560 China. Eventually they decided, well, I backed 01:23:18.560 --> 01:23:22.720 off because I don't want to sit fighting people. 01:23:22.960 --> 01:23:25.760 I need to find a job and my mental health with 01:23:26.079 --> 01:23:29.159 Donald Trump and work and trying to find a new 01:23:29.159 --> 01:23:33.539 job and the risk of defaulting on any payments 01:23:33.539 --> 01:23:39.300 or anything became a major problem for me. So 01:23:39.300 --> 01:23:46.380 I settled. I took basically three months of severance. 01:23:47.779 --> 01:23:50.760 So this month will be the last payment from that 01:23:50.760 --> 01:23:55.520 school. And I got a new visa. And I've been able 01:23:55.520 --> 01:24:01.479 to move to a new school and it's a much more 01:24:01.479 --> 01:24:05.300 liberal school, but I'm not openly trans there. 01:24:05.859 --> 01:24:08.260 It is a problem though, because some students 01:24:08.260 --> 01:24:10.619 are asking, why do you teach her? Why do you 01:24:10.619 --> 01:24:16.380 look like a girl? And that also prompted me to 01:24:16.380 --> 01:24:20.180 go to South Africa and meet you, Kira. Because 01:24:20.180 --> 01:24:25.079 I realized that if I don't... Like, I have this 01:24:25.079 --> 01:24:29.819 contract now. If something happens, if I lose 01:24:29.819 --> 01:24:33.720 this contract or next year they don't renew me, 01:24:33.779 --> 01:24:37.199 I might not be able to get a new job because 01:24:37.199 --> 01:24:43.319 my androgyny is to the extent where kids just 01:24:43.319 --> 01:24:48.260 are much more perceptive than adults when it 01:24:48.260 --> 01:24:51.560 comes to gender. and even the performance of 01:24:51.560 --> 01:24:54.520 gender because they're still learning it. And 01:24:54.520 --> 01:24:57.840 what they see doesn't matter what I wear. It 01:24:57.840 --> 01:25:02.159 doesn't matter about my presentation or expression 01:25:02.159 --> 01:25:07.420 at work. They see a female teacher teaching them. 01:25:09.319 --> 01:25:11.779 And yeah, so anyway, I just want to avoid as 01:25:11.779 --> 01:25:14.939 much trouble as that. So my passport is going 01:25:14.939 --> 01:25:21.170 to change to... F and my name will change to 01:25:21.170 --> 01:25:25.390 Ruby Ray. And once that happens, I will probably 01:25:25.390 --> 01:25:28.590 lose this job where I am. I hope not. I know 01:25:28.590 --> 01:25:31.510 the principal. I've worked with him before. He's 01:25:31.510 --> 01:25:34.970 given me teacher of the year before. I know his 01:25:34.970 --> 01:25:37.989 assistant very well. We worked together in the 01:25:37.989 --> 01:25:40.050 previous school that we're at. They both like 01:25:40.050 --> 01:25:46.029 me. And the school is big enough to transfer 01:25:46.029 --> 01:25:48.850 me to another department where I will never have 01:25:48.850 --> 01:25:52.949 to see the students that I am working with now 01:25:52.949 --> 01:25:56.069 ever again. Or I could go to a kindergarten within 01:25:56.069 --> 01:26:01.149 the same school. And I would like to do that. 01:26:01.430 --> 01:26:03.789 But if they don't let me do that, then I will 01:26:03.789 --> 01:26:08.260 just find a new job. But I will force them to 01:26:08.260 --> 01:26:11.119 legally change my visa over so that I don't have 01:26:11.119 --> 01:26:13.840 to show the new school my old passport. Because 01:26:13.840 --> 01:26:17.779 that is my legal right. Like my passport will 01:26:17.779 --> 01:26:20.380 change, my identity will change, but my obligation 01:26:20.380 --> 01:26:25.560 to the previous identity is persistent. My personhood 01:26:25.560 --> 01:26:28.760 is persistent. So yeah, there's also president, 01:26:28.939 --> 01:26:33.039 but the problem is the fact that Children are 01:26:33.039 --> 01:26:35.960 involved and parents are involved and school 01:26:35.960 --> 01:26:38.380 payments are involved and I'm in a conservative 01:26:38.380 --> 01:26:40.600 country. It just makes everything much, much 01:26:40.600 --> 01:26:44.180 harder. Oh, and I was talking about polyamory. 01:26:44.800 --> 01:26:49.220 That has now become a factor that I have been 01:26:49.220 --> 01:26:56.300 able to explore much more in my new state of 01:26:56.300 --> 01:27:00.960 being. Um, and it's lovely. Um, it's lovely. 01:27:01.310 --> 01:27:06.310 We'll leave it at that. That's my year. I'm facing 01:27:06.310 --> 01:27:15.010 much, much more discrimination, hate, just a 01:27:15.010 --> 01:27:21.470 torrent of hate that I would never have been 01:27:21.470 --> 01:27:27.850 able to conceive of in the wildest fantastical 01:27:27.850 --> 01:27:33.840 fantasy story. streaming its way into my inbox 01:27:33.840 --> 01:27:38.939 on a daily fucking basis. And I just, I, I'm, 01:27:39.159 --> 01:27:42.619 I don't think people realize, I don't think people 01:27:42.619 --> 01:27:44.979 realize the extent, even transphobes don't realize 01:27:44.979 --> 01:27:48.039 the extent of the hate that they pour our way. 01:27:48.960 --> 01:27:54.020 Um, for no valid reason. So, but my point is 01:27:54.020 --> 01:28:02.880 despite all of that, I am sparkling. And, uh, 01:28:03.399 --> 01:28:06.140 yeah, they can go fuck themselves. Yeah, absolutely. 01:28:08.020 --> 01:28:11.020 Yeah. Or subscribe, you know, if you, you can 01:28:11.020 --> 01:28:13.659 subscribe, you can keep pouring the hate. Just 01:28:13.659 --> 01:28:18.140 give me that engagement. Follow and subscribe. 01:28:18.960 --> 01:28:23.819 Absolutely. Yeah. My story was considered shorter 01:28:23.819 --> 01:28:31.229 than yours. Yeah. I felt like I had stories within 01:28:31.229 --> 01:28:36.529 stories I had to tell. It's usually the way it 01:28:36.529 --> 01:28:38.310 goes. No, it's fine. You have to get them out. 01:28:38.869 --> 01:28:42.550 Yeah, I do. I'm still going to talk about them 01:28:42.550 --> 01:28:45.050 in more detail. On my channel, I did briefly 01:28:45.050 --> 01:28:49.069 talk about the evictions, but I think also a 01:28:49.069 --> 01:28:51.869 lot of YouTubers do story time. I think especially 01:28:51.869 --> 01:28:54.789 the Stellenbosch one is like... It's a pretty, 01:28:54.789 --> 01:28:57.670 pretty crazy story. I mean, there's a lot more 01:28:57.670 --> 01:28:59.909 to it. Like the guy had his toaster on the balcony. 01:29:00.569 --> 01:29:04.170 That's another story in and of itself. Because 01:29:04.170 --> 01:29:05.989 he thought the cockroaches can't get it if he 01:29:05.989 --> 01:29:08.569 puts his toaster on the balcony. There were all 01:29:08.569 --> 01:29:10.609 kinds of weird things that happened there. That's 01:29:10.609 --> 01:29:13.850 just, it's funny now in retrospect, but it was 01:29:13.850 --> 01:29:16.510 very stressful to live with. But it does sound 01:29:16.510 --> 01:29:20.670 like - Hold the fuck up. Wait. Just hold on. 01:29:20.939 --> 01:29:25.260 Somebody had a cockroach problem and their solution 01:29:25.260 --> 01:29:29.479 to the problem was to move, to move their appliance 01:29:29.479 --> 01:29:33.960 away from the cockroaches in the same house, 01:29:34.239 --> 01:29:37.680 but not try to get rid of the cockroaches. Yeah. 01:29:38.579 --> 01:29:45.640 Exactly. This is why we choose the pear. I will 01:29:45.640 --> 01:29:52.020 choose the pear. He also thought he was destroying 01:29:52.020 --> 01:29:55.100 their morale by, I don't know, putting an old 01:29:55.100 --> 01:29:58.500 t -shirt in a hole to keep them away. Because 01:29:58.500 --> 01:30:00.720 apparently cockroaches are too dumb to get around 01:30:00.720 --> 01:30:04.100 a t -shirt. There's all kinds of weird, weird 01:30:04.100 --> 01:30:06.340 things. He moved his toast outside and told me 01:30:06.340 --> 01:30:11.899 to put the toast outside and yeah. She's gonna 01:30:11.899 --> 01:30:21.220 be back in a second, but... That is insane. That's 01:30:21.220 --> 01:30:28.340 insane. You cannot, you cannot put a hole, you 01:30:28.340 --> 01:30:32.920 cannot put cloth in front of a cockroach nest 01:30:32.920 --> 01:30:37.779 or whatever burrow, whatever you call that, to 01:30:37.779 --> 01:30:40.920 get rid of cockroach. They will eat the cotton. 01:30:41.279 --> 01:30:44.140 They don't give a fuck. Okay. You don't know 01:30:44.140 --> 01:30:49.250 their diet. This man is probably one of those 01:30:49.250 --> 01:30:57.989 who does not invest into toilet paper. This man 01:30:57.989 --> 01:31:01.430 is probably one of those who thinks that it is 01:31:01.430 --> 01:31:04.689 emasculating to shower on a regular basis and 01:31:04.689 --> 01:31:08.689 keep clean. Do you guys destroy the morale of 01:31:08.689 --> 01:31:12.770 cockroaches with cotton? Let's message Kira and 01:31:12.770 --> 01:31:14.010 see if we can get her back.