Tough questions. Honest answers. Oh, the messy
truth. Your perspectives. Let's begin. Welcome
to Kaleidoscope. Hello, internet. Welcome to
this yet -to -be -named podcast. My name is Rumi
Reilio. And I am sitting with my friend, Kira.
Kira, introduce yourself. Oh, thank you. So I'm
Kira. I'm based here in South Africa. I am 30
years old. Pronouns are she, they. I've been
trying to transition for the past few years since
I think about 2022, actually, but goes back much
longer. And I'm also a content creator. I've
had a YouTube channel since, well, Saturn 18,
which is back in 2013. I've got about 10 ,000
subscribers, which is nothing in the YouTube
world, but I mainly do videos focused on breaking
free from religion, repressive structures, and
also just learning how to be yourself authentically,
getting in touch with who you really are and
seeing through the lies of society. I also do
a lot of things to look out for interpersonally,
but mainly I focus on Breaking free from toxic
groups and religions, cults. I've spoken a lot
about them. And yeah, but, uh, currently like
my channel's in a bit of a gray area where kind
of exploring where to go next. And, uh, but the
big thing I do know is I want to get in touch.
Yes. It's transitioning while I'm transitioning.
Yes. So transitioning squared and, uh, trans
squared. There you go. That's a great new name
for it. Like a rebrand. Yeah, transgrid. So yeah,
a big part of it is being in touch with fellow
creators from around the world. You're obviously
from South Africa, but it's just being in touch
with the trans community here in South Africa,
people who have originated from all over the
world, standing together in solidarity in the
face of... everything that's happening around
the globe. And yeah, that's pretty much where
things are going. Like I said, it's authentic
loving. You can't really do that without a supportive
community. So yeah, so I'm excited to see where
things go. It's been a big change. It's been
a big scary change, but I'm excited to be here
and yeah, I'm very hopeful. You said all of that
like you're some kind of veteran in this world
and I feel like such a noob because we all have
a different journey. Yeah, sure. Okay. Well,
I've never said this online, I guess. I started
really transitioning. My proverbial egg didn't
just crack. It was thrown against a wall and
viciously stomped on about three months before
Halloween 2023. And I realized that I had been
Just lying to myself. I was honestly driving
home from work and thinking about self -delete
and just wondering what speed it would take to
guarantee the end in my car. Um, and unsure of
what that would be because electric cars are
kind of safe. It's not a Tesla. If you're wondering,
fuck you, Elon Musk, but, um, yeah, we can agree
there too. Anyway, yes. And I was like, okay,
I need to start doing something. And one of the
things that really kind of gave me a lot of euphoria
was starting to cross -dress. And I thought like,
because I'd been doing it for a long time, actually,
but in total denial. And I decided that the first
time I'm ever going to go out was Halloween,
when the veil is the thinnest between the genders,
so to speak. So I cross -dressed and then I continued
cross -dressing. And one of the big factors was
finally breaking through like financial struggles
that I had been. I was in, for about four years,
I'd been digging myself out of debt. And then
anyway, so I realized that I was, I needed to
do something, but All I wanted to do was address
more realistically. Now, if you're an experienced
psychologist, you might go, oh, that's dysphoria.
But for Ray, it was experimental. So I was like,
just experiment, just experiment more and more.
And then I was walking through pharmacies, literally
looking for misplaced estrogen. I spoke in a
podcast before about my breakthrough moment when
I had a box of pills in my hand. And I just realized
that I would never put that back. Yeah, that
was December last year. So I have been medically
transitioning for just over eight months. And
that is why I feel like a noob when you say you're
going on since 2022. That's crazy. Yeah, it's
uh, it is quite a journey when you first go on
those pulls I like for me I can relate my journey
so the the egg crack or actually, you know because
it's Gets more of a shell crack to be honest
because like I was aware that i'm different when
I was a child but of course, you know being raised
in a very religious environment you You're taught
not to show parts of yourself and so since like
the age of 12, that's when I first started going
through puberty. And then they were telling me
things like, you know, you're going to get a
deep voice. You're going to become incredibly
hairy, which I am now. And there's going to be
all kinds of changes. And I was like, no, thanks,
you know, swipe, a swipe left on those changes.
Thank you very much. But yeah, it hurts. Hard
pass. Yes. And then like, yeah, it is to say,
I was told if I ever, like, try and show the
side of myself again, it would be the end of
me. So I pretty much just decided to wear the
mask for my own safety. And since then, it's
pretty much just been, I felt disconnected with
the world around me. Like even now still, it's
very hard for me to actually, you know, come
out of my shell and, you know, feel at one with
the world as it were. It was only around 2022
that we, when we moved back to Pretoria in Monument
Park, when I was like, you know, going through
this, this egg crack again, coming back out of
my shell. And it was like the weirdest, most
random thing that like, you know, seeing a beautiful
woman be like, I want to be her. The thought
hit me like, you know, like, um, a speeding train.
I've had that thought many times before, but
I've always like, you know, kept it one side.
this time I actually listened and When I was
when I that he hit me I was like, well, you know,
I Don't know. Can we swear on this podcast? Yeah,
go for it. I was like, well, I've already fucked
Elon Musk once. Oh, yeah Whoa, that's once too
many Yeah No, no, no, please. Couldn't be good
with him. Yeah. So I was like, well, shit, what
am I going to do now? And then pretty much decided
from there to, you know, start seeing a shrink,
I guess, or therapist, let's just call it, call
them that. And my first therapy experience was
also like, I also did think about, you know,
self delete, you know, off of a balcony. I don't
think the balcony was high enough, so that would
have been an incredibly stupid thing in any case.
But, well, it's stupid anyway you do it, but
still, it probably would not have been... Yeah,
I'm on the 21st floor, by the way. That was a
scary thing because there are no safety bars
on this building. Yeah, and yeah, that would
be pretty scary. So, for me, I was just like,
well, look, I'm going to look for help. And my
first therapist wasn't... Let's say the the greatest
she did guide me to a lot of realizations like
I did finally meet one of my goals and that's
moving into my own apartment and Everything and
I mean I can go on at length in detail about
goal -setting You know, I'm very productivity
focused but also like achieving goals a lot of
times that you realize just how Actually point
us that on in a lot of respects because I mean
having my own place and everything signed in
my name was also a lot of stress that also kept
me stuck in a bad environment, which I'm now
thankfully out of, but when I moved into my own
place, like I remember I was so deeply depressed
at the time. I was also going through a romantic
heartbreak, you know, like I was laid on and
just, I felt like absolutely disgusted with myself.
And I mean, I was sitting in an apartment and
a completely empty apartment because I never
bought furniture for the place because I don't
know why, like, you know, I just wanted to live
as minimalistically as possible. And then, uh,
yeah, just, you know, sitting there in the bathtub
depressed and wondering what I'm going to do
now. And as I was like going through things in
2023, and it was also, this was in South Africa,
2022, like that point, December going into January
was a very rough time. It was stage eight load
shedding power was awful, like 12, 14 hours a
day. And I was like ground zero there. Yeah.
Yeah. Because I had to, you know, help run some
generators for a company that I was working with
through my own company at the time. And because
their manual switchovers had broken. So then
I would have to go like just simply turn a key.
But it was like every two or four hours that
you had to go and do it. So then I was waking
up at weird hours and it was a crazy time. And,
you know, like was the guys to come and refuel
the generators were arriving just in the nick
of time. There was one time the generator was
running on zero percent and that was still running,
but that was, that was pretty scary because I
mean, if it burns out, then you have to push
oil through the whole engine and take it apart.
Yeah. But the, so the point was like, I was stuck
in this routine, you know, like trying to like
basically acting like a robot, you know, just
I'm just like a machine now completely disconnected
from myself. And then I changed therapists to
somebody who's non -binary and very, and of course
trans affirming. And we, we started working through
the issues in more detail, but it was like a
very slow kind of, you know, introduction. Like
the first therapist tried to rush me through
a lot of things. And I think that actually worked
against a lot of the progress I was making. And
so then in 2023 really was my year of like actually
finally coming to terms with a lot of things.
It was only like around. In 2023, I did actually
like go on hormones. I did see a doctor and everything.
But then after about 11 days, I left it. There
was actually like a sense of relief when I left
it because I was like, okay, thankfully I don't
have to go through this. But then about a month
after that, everything came crashing down again.
Because I also realized I was using the work
I was doing as an escape from how I was feeling.
and it was you know, you're acting on all the
pilot which is like with dissociation as you're
literally watching yourself you're feeling so
disconnected and I eventually like tried to connect
with other people but there was always like this
wall between me and other people it's because
like um it just never felt like okay i'm safe
in the safe environment where can i start transitioning
and So things went along and like a lot of things
happen. I mean, I can probably write a whole
book about all the things that happened in this
amount of time. Uh, and then 2024 came around
and I started transitioning again. I took it
more seriously this time. I was like, I'm committed.
I'm going to do this. And then as, as I was busy
transitioning, I came to terms with a lot of
the reality of my dissociation, just how severe
things were. And doing that first transition,
I was also, you know, exploring alternative lifestyles,
going a bit nuts and. You know also dissociating
from that and you know, even now still it's kind
of kind of scary like um, some of the things
that Some of the spaces I found myself in because
I was like selling odds with myself Um that growing
up so being you know, the good child i'm the
oldest child So I was always held responsible
until this extremely high standard You too. Yeah,
like the oldest child problem is you always got
to overachieve and it never feels like enough
when you actually do it so Then yeah, they I
would be like and and this was like without any
alcohol or drugs like we like ETC then since
you're and I was like busy on the dance floor
up until four in the morning you know like you
know and I still wouldn't be able to sleep because
you know you have so much energy because you're
Trying to do things to escape, you know, it's
like it's all week You're feeling down and then
you escape and there's like this huge burst of
energy comes out and then of course there's the
crash off to it because now you're back in spaces
that don't support you. I mean, I was also part
of a church like at the time I went every single
week and this is the part of doing things on
autopilot that every week I'm going there and
feeling like twice a week like for morning and
evening services and for home sales and being
involved and you go there and you sit there and
you're like completely disconnected from yourself
but you still do it because it's a structure.
let you feel some semblance of purpose. Some
birds like peering at me through the window.
I thought it's a cat and I was like, that ain't
no cat. No, no, it's not unless it's a flying
cat. So yeah, then eventually, middle of last
year, I did transition again, moved in with my
family and then We moved out of Pretoria went
back to this small town in the middle of nowhere,
you know in Lombopo and we made some plans for
you we to come down in April to the Western Cape
and Since then it's been quite a rollercoaster
where I said I could write a book about the past
few years I think I can write a book just about
these past few months because it's been it's
been crazy. So the first place I stayed at in
April was like my landlord like Was also very
conservative, although like very hypocritical
on that point as well. Uh, and then when I started
coming out as trans, because then I told basically
everybody, I made a commitment to letting everybody
know, including my family, that, you know, I'm
trans. Dinesh found one about it. And then he
dropped me off at the airport and told me to
go back to Gauteng. But the problem with that
was, well, I didn't have any money to go back
to Gauteng and it's like either be homeless in
Cape Town or be homeless back in Pretoria or
Joburg or wherever. And I was like, well, look,
it's neither ideal. So let me just stay here
and try and make things work. And thankfully
things did open up. I mean, I was staying in
Stellenbosch, but then once again, I went back
into the closet, you know, just because I didn't
feel safe with that guy. And eventually he, because
guy smokes. ton of weed and drinks. He was, I
realized he was pretty much psychotic. I was
living with a crazy person and he became convinced
I was conspiring against him and I was making
cracks in his walls and all kinds of other stuff.
Eventually he gave me notice, effective immediately.
And then, yeah, I went back to living in a backpackers
and then I found the current place where I'm
staying, which is I'm volunteering here. I've
been here for almost two, two months now. And,
uh, yeah, it's, it's also been a very interesting
journey because I just came here while the hostel
started. And, uh, that's actually how I'm, yeah,
that's cool for context. That's how Ray and I
met. So, because like, uh, I've been. Like, you
know, very actively involved in volunteering
here and. since then I've just, if at least they
come out again as trans and they, I didn't even
have to tell them to respect my pronouns. They
just made the assumption, oh, okay, this is the
new name you're going by. We'll use that name.
We'll use your pronouns. I didn't really have
to. It's really not hard. They just were like,
oh, okay, cool. This is how we'll start referring
to you now. And, uh, yeah, since then, like also
whenever, um, sometimes People come through and
then they don't know and they say bro, and i'm
like, well, I don't go by bro This is who I am.
You know, it's it's pretty much effortless now
and um it's also I realized the big thing was
I was kind of scared for no reason to transition
in a lot of ways. It's been pretty scary I would
say but the benefits have greatly outweighed
the the negatives because I mean Yeah Let's not
beat around the bush though. It's fucking scary.
Yeah. Especially that, you know, that first coming
out moment and then certain people in your life
react exactly as you expected them to react.
And then, then you realize it's not nearly as
bad as you thought it was. But still, like the
first time I lost the housing situation was really
traumatic. I was in shock over it. The second
time I was like, whatever, man. I know the drill
by now. So it's kind of a muscle you grow as
well. That's not even something I can begin to
relate to. Like I think that I have this expectation
and not to take away from it. Obviously it was
traumatic. Every coming out is traumatic. No
matter who you are or where you're from or which
part of the rainbow you're on. severity of what
can happen to you varies greatly. And one of
the reasons I think that mine is traumatic is
because I didn't come out. I was outed and, and
it was taken away from me. And that hurts, but
I can't even imagine becoming housing insecure
because of that. Like, yeah. So hats off to you.
Thank you. And I have to say it's. It's one of
those things where you develop a skill you never
knew you would actually need. And that's, you
know, learning to have a network that you can
count on. And I guess it kind of sounds a little
bit weird in a lot of aspects, but I think all
of us are actually, a lot of us don't realize
how far away we are from the street. I mean,
a lot of people just, they have one job, they've
got all their savings, that company, the company
folds and then There they are, they're out on
the street. And it's like, I mean, I've seen
the news report of, you know, a programmer like
made a lot of money, lost his job, he's out on
the street busy begging. But I've also seen that,
you know, even though that can happen, it's also,
that's why it's very important to have a support
network with people, even if they temporarily
take you in. Having a supportive community really
helps a lot. We do have like LGBT shelters here
in Cape Town, but they're full and they're understaffed.
We don't have enough resources here in South
Africa to help the homeless. And I think this
is a worldwide problem. And it really is something
that I've realized because I mean, it wasn't
as a result of a personal weakness that I got
thrown out of the house. It was a result of somebody
else's weakness who was in a much more economically
stable position than I am. And there's always
bitching and moaning and saying he's going to
be out on the street. So what does he do? He
puts me out on the street. And he actually had
the means not to ever be out on the streets,
but I did. So it's kind of that thing, that cognitive
dissonance a lot of people are in. They're like,
you know, you're conspiring against that. They
said, no, it's the other way around. You just
don't want to see it. Quite a shock when it happened.
It's not me. It's your fear of what the people
that you know are gonna say. You don't care about
me. You only care about the people around you.
That is the harsh reality. I think for most trans
people. Even when I was like, you know doing
my demo half transition last year. It was Weird
out even in conservative environments how people
are formal accepting that you might think I speak
look if you're not in a church that's a cult
then people kind of have a polarized reaction
some people are gonna be Weird but so others
are gonna be like even if they don't like it.
They still gonna Respect you as a person, but
unfortunately they in belief systems where They
push you away. Yeah, exactly. I would never fault
someone for feeling uncomfortable with me initially.
But the moment you... Because we meet people
like that every day, right? Normal cisgender
people who we meet and we go, oh, this person
is weird. This is not my style. And you get to
know them and you're like, this guy's the...
fucking greatest. And, you know, if more people
could take that approach to like, oh, I have
never met a trans person before in my life. Maybe
I should drink this coffee with them. And just
sit down and talk. Everything would change. In
a very odd way. And this might be my own But
it definitely is my own preconceptions and and
and preconceived notions of what the LGBTQ community
is but in it in an odd way trans people are the
least LGBTQ of the LGBTQ and the most at the
same time because we are shirking off all of
the gender norms breaking all of the societal
rules but a lot of us are just acting normally.
I travel to another country and there are people
that never clocked me. And I'm not even, I'm
clocky. Like I look trans. I'm guessing then
that that could be a major argument. It's like,
well, you know, I guess some people think trans
as a look. Like for me, I don't openly look like
I'm a trans woman at this point in time. but
and I especially like the way I talk and the
way I dress people are like yo, bro, and I'm
no and it's it's these things are so ingrained
even in more liberal spaces you still find people
saying these things to you and it sometimes just
is that moment of you have to tell them because
they don't know and Try not to assume the naked
of even though it is pretty scary But yeah, it's
like I'm not saying it to gender you but actually
you are because you don't say that to girls and
Fact you are gendering me by saying bro Yeah,
or dude Yeah, yeah and It I think because I guess
it's also a lot of things are saying grant into
us and that we we don't really You know stop
and think about them I think, you know, especially
if you grow up differently, then a lot of people
just go on with assumptions that everybody else
thinks the same and they very much hit hard against
anything that's different. And yeah, it's very
difficult for them to walk past because like
I've seen with people, they don't... a lot of
people don't do that meta thing of you know disconnecting
and looking at the situation like oh I believe
these things because this is where I come from
no it's just I believe these things I'm right
don't don't tell me any different you know and
the same with gender it's one of the hardest
things for me as well to do is because right
now this this past couple of weeks have kind
of been There have been days where I've been
in a dark place because I'm willfully putting
myself through going online, picking out people
that are transphobes that are commenting on pro
trans videos and just crucifying them with facts.
Okay. And it's fun. It's fun. But it's also devastatingly
harmful to my mental health Because I find myself
and and this is part of the reason why I'm doing
it I find myself Agreeing with them Sometimes
and I'm like, oh my god. Yeah because I was there
I wanted to be Bloodstain on the side of a bridge,
you know That is a scary reality and to pull
yourself back from that Over and over it gets
easier for sure but oh my god, is it difficult
sometimes and then also it's so fun to beat them
into a point where they just Can't do it. Yeah
And like Camille, I also found myself doing that
But it's also like, you know, I already struggle
enough with having low energy as it is because,
you know, um, I don't know, like I think also
a century or below just, you know, the daily
tax of living. Yeah. All the torrent of stimulation
does get to me because I mean, I have been diagnosed
officially with ADHD. I've not been diagnosed
with autism, but I think if you speak to anybody,
I know like autism is pretty much. That's a given.
It just existing already eats away at you. Like
daily things that people take for granted, neurotypicals.
Those things eat away at you every single day.
So just showing up and doing what needs to be
done is already pretty difficult. So for me,
going and engaging with negative people, it takes
a lot out of me. So it's just best for me to.
sidestep it and ignore it and just say what I
want to say. And they, they can sit and spend
for all I care because yeah, um, I've having
this channel for quite some time. And when I
was still more conservative and already then
spouting controversial opinions, at some point,
you just learn that it doesn't matter what you
say. Somebody's going to hate on it just because
they, they want to feel hurt. Just as much as
you want to feel hurt, they also want to feel
hurt. But I can only listen to so many voices
at once. So it's just the thing of, well, look,
on my channel, I try and respond in a very civil
and polite way because it's just part of the
brand that I want to achieve. I'm not going to
just be an asshole for the sake of it, but still,
I do think responding civilly to the ideas so
that people know what my stance is in general.
not so much trying to create a negative dialogue
with somebody and getting hooked to a Conversations
that's gonna run around in circles like going
on the train to nowhere It that's that's what
I want to do. Just you know Just put forth what
I say or what I believe and it's with respect
even if you're not respecting me But yeah, but
that's on YouTube in daily life. It's a lot more
difficult like if you meet somebody and they
know or out for blood because they don't like
who you are then it's it's a lot more difficult
to be civil and um yeah for sure for sure um
when it comes to the comment section on other
people's videos or on mine if you're a bigot
if you're a transphobe you're gonna find out
exactly what i think of you so um Other than
that, I'm even willing to enter into a logical
discourse. But the thing is, if you're a bigot
or a transphobe or a homophobe or whatever, none
of your discourse is logical. It's not because
you haven't taken any time to read and you're
part of a cult. So that's the thing. And if you
go like one of the... things I hate is I will
in good faith answer a question and ask a couple
of my own. And the response will be, this is
just a classic tribe. You're just effing this,
effing that, whatever. Groovy bro. It doesn't
help you respond with logic to someone who's
taken over by being completely irrational. And
they've given themselves over to hate you so
you know you can fuck right off it doesn't matter
what you say fuck right off that's like okay
fine you can fuck right off as well it's fine
but yeah exactly just yeah be sure you never
fuck right off in front of my car because I'm
gonna I'm not stopping yeah although you wouldn't
want to dent your car I mean the poor car the
cars can be replaced just No, I'm joking. But,
um, yeah, I don't, I don't want anybody's blood
on my hands, but if I see you putting someone
else's blood on yours, yours is going to be up.
Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to pride. The
only, the, the only kind of intolerance that
is tolerable is the tolerance that dies. I mean,
intolerance that died. Yeah. Yeah. Because it
doesn't like we've we've seen with a lot of societal
things It doesn't help you be civil to an authoritarian
force to are overtaken by this thing because
I mean Common sections are one thing. I mean
anybody can be a keyboard warrior But when those
ideas kept on keep on being spread and they start
accumulating Real -life action and real -life
political change towards, you know for right
systems like we see are happening Globally, I
mean in places like Europe and the US right now.
That's when, you know, it doesn't really help
being civil because I think for me, like if say
the government were to change here and they're
now starting to bring out laws decriminalizing
who we are, then You're gonna be as good as a
terrorist and then it's fine and I'll be a terrorist
because this this isn't right because just because
you're uncomfortable with You know the like somebody
else because you don't want to face parts of
yourself And I don't think every transphobe is
secretly trans but they are parts of themselves
that they don't want to face that they're projecting
onto you for sure if If you're if you are a transphobe,
it's it's because you're scared of part of your
identity. That's the only way There's something
that scares you and you're too afraid to deal
with it. Exactly. The thing that baffles me though
when you say, and it's true, the global movement
towards far right. ideology is that none of these
people have ever picked up a fucking history
book, not even tangentially paid attention in
history class. I mean, have you, have you watched
enemy at the gates? Have you fucking watched
any historically accurate movie ever? Have you
paid attention to what happened in Pearl Harbor?
Those were fascists and you are fascists now.
That's what it is. And we, we, we see that now,
like for example, Germany's daughter. Not the
far right party making waves. And it's like,
um, I recently met somebody from Germany, AFD,
yeah. Alternative für Deutschland. That one.
Yeah. Those, those, those far right assholes.
They, because I recently met somebody from Germany
and we were like agreeing it's, it's a bad thing,
the rise of the far right. And I was like, you
know, the Germans, like, don't you get it? Didn't
you guys learn from your history? I mean, what
happened a hundred years ago? this, she agreed
with me, but still it was, it's like, don't you
guys learn? Like what happened the last time?
It didn't go well. To say the least. You know,
the, the, the, I think the, and I might be wrong
here. I haven't been paying much attention to
AFD. Trump is kind of destroying all other radio
signal. Um, it's mostly, it's mostly, uh, young,
disengaged men who think that they are entitled
to something that they aren't. And they're joining
these movements because of influences like Andrew
Tate. It's just misogyny and it's also late stage
capitalism. And it's just so easy for the people
at the top, for the billionaires to blame. It's
what they've done before. It's where the white
race comes from. The white race didn't exist
before capitalism. It's a product of divisiveness.
You know, make one group feel like they're superior
over all others. And that allows you to control
them. And yeah, it's an invention. I mean, here
in South Africa, we have such a... harmful history.
We're like three decades after the end of apartheid,
but I mean, half of the people still live below
the poverty line. And that's not to say the other
half is living in affluence either. There's a
lot of issues still, and it happened as a result
of an ideology. Yeah. I said earlier that I find
myself kind of agreeing with some of these transphobes,
right? Online. And I think part of that comes
from... the legacy of apartheid South Africa.
Because as a privileged white person growing
up in South Africa, it is virtually impossible
for you to get away from racist rhetoric. It's
infused in everything. And it's so subtle. It's
so subtle. But it's like the concept of of having
a maid. I would never have dreamed. I remember
the first time I saw a Hispanic maid in America
and I thought, what the fuck is going on here?
And you're incognizant of the fact that this
is deeply enshrined racism. It is and like I've
also like late last year I had to face, you know
a lot of my own views because I realized a lot
of my own views were actually holding me back
and you know, like I had to come up You know
face -to -face with all of my own racial views
that I didn't know were even there I mean, there's
a lot of things we don't realize actually influence
our beliefs. I mean we Especially if you grow
up like for writing, you know capitalism is your
god. I mean i'm african so Work is my god that
that's literally how I was raised You know, you
can work yourself to death for nothing and it's
it's apparently something to be proud of And
when now I of course I see it as a waste of time,
but I still find myself Futilely working on way
too much stuff Overworking myself and I'm like,
what am I doing? This isn't productive. So it's
like Parts of yourself that you have to you know,
have a dialogue with and be like, hey, you know
fucking stop it, you know, like Snap out of this
view Yes, and that's also like this. This is
very much a view that we've you know forced upon
the world at large because you know as You know
the the white race that we've we we want Things
we've effused it into everything around us and
I think Also like looking at the wider world
then like the opposite of that scares us So we
go back to what's stable even if it's not actually
nearly as stable as you might think so many people
like argue Like you know capitalism. Yeah, sure.
It's not great. But what is the alternative?
Because as if capitalism is actually working
when it's not it's it's creating all kinds of
issues. I mean, if you have a car on assembly
line and comes out with like, I don't know, 80
% defects, you would call that a defective car.
And we've got a political system that's creating
so many defects, but we still want to keep it
because we're scared of looking for something
else. And yeah, because it is a difficult dialogue,
especially if you've been, sorry, I'll let you
speak now, especially if you've been raised with
it. Looking for something different is you don't
know what else could work. So of course you're
going to come back to what's stable. Yeah. But
I also think like the idea that nothing else
could work comes from the people who are benefiting
from the system already. Right now, because they
are the ones who benefit from the status quo.
Nobody else does. They get to gouge workers on
both ends. They pay workers as little as possible
to make things that those workers have to buy.
And then they charge as much as possible for
those things that the workers have to buy. And
eventually it doesn't work anymore, but they
know that if this doesn't work, then something
else is going to take over and they're going
to lose all of their wealth. So what do they
do? They start taking other things, necessities
that are required, and they give themselves tax
cuts. That's what's happening in America right
now. So America's debt ceiling has raised by
$8 trillion in form. And now there's inflation
and Medicaid is gone. So where did that money
go? Where is it? And then you have transphobes
going, well, maggots, right? Red hats. Oh, this
is good. He's saving America. Dude, open your
fucking eyes, please. And also show us the Epstein
files because he's a fucking pedophile, disgusting
human being who's a shit stain on the world's
pants. Sorry. Exactly. I agree. And, uh, and
it's not just, you know, Americans, like we have
a MAGA crowd here in South Africa as well. I
mean, the oppressed Afrikaners, you know, who,
who think that now after decades of being the
most privileged group, we're like the most privileged
group. Now suddenly we're the most oppressed
group. And I was like, Oh, no, you're oppressing
me. Like it's all projection really. It's a loneliness
epidemic spread into races. Exactly. I have family
members like that. So do I. An unfortunate amount.
Tell me about your year. We've lost track of
things. We were going to talk about 2025. So
2025. I wouldn't say I'm really qualified to
talk about the political side of things. Cause
I mean, I was front and center in South Africa's
politics last year, but this year I've kind of
been disconnected because I was waging my own,
my fighting my own battles, waging my own wars
just to, you know, make ends meet. 2025 has been
pretty crazy. I will say we did actually like,
um, since last year, coming back to the small
town, we stayed on a farm with some people. Um,
my grandfather passed away last year and then
I. then me and my, um, the family, like three
kids, my, uh, we, uh, inherited, uh, his car
to share amongst us. It's still actually not
completely in our name, but, uh, so it's, um,
like we say, okay, well, you know, my grandfather
still paying the speeding tickets. So there's
that. And, um, then we. we've been driving around,
you know, like just, uh, like it's the first
time I've actually had a car and, um, and yeah,
then this, this year we were like, okay, so we
were on the farm. All right. I mean, let me just
speak more coherent. So we were on the farm.
Like we actually like found like, like alongside
a supportive family and they didn't obviously
know about my transgender status, but, and they
are more conservative, but we, we could like
recover from. you know, last year, because I've
like the, the client that I mentioned, things
didn't end well. It's part of my best efforts.
Like, um, some people just, just want to, uh,
villainize you. And I was actually starting to
transition and this client was aware of it. So
we then, I was in economic dire straits and then,
so I moved back in with my family and then. We
stayed on this farm and we were like, I, you
know, basically went monk mode and, you know,
just worked on a bunch of projects. It was pretty
awful. I picked up a lot of skills again, got
a lot of IT certifications because I love IT
and I never dreamed I would ever say that because
when I, when I was a kid, I was like, no, no,
no, I never want to work in IT. Got an IT job
and I just fell in love with the profession because
I mean, we would have known somebody who spends
all their day in front of a computer that might
actually be the best way to go. But still, um,
it, it turned out to be the right field for me.
And then like I was pulling up a lot of skills
that then we, then we had to leave and then we
stayed in a Rondal, a pretty small place. Um,
so then we were like there for about a month
and then. I saved up some money and, you know,
got the plane ticket to come down to Strand.
So that was in March of this year. And then,
yeah, then I made my plans and then we, me and
the younger siblings left the, um, left the house
with the car and the dog. So then they, they
moved with other family and I flew down to Strand.
And then, yeah, then coming down to Strand, like,
um, you know like there was one client who kept
on dragging out a payment and then I don't know
I was just a little bit too out of sorts to really
try and look for clients because with a living
situation the guy said he wanted to help me but
I first wanted to do it a little bit more gradually
because um you know baby steps like you know
start by getting some work in getting the giving
the guy some rent even though he said I could
stay with him for free for three months Part
of me was like, okay, maybe this is not going
to work out the way you think it would. And then
sure enough, a weekend, he changed his story.
I was like, no, I must not start paying rent.
And then I was like, okay, well, fine. I've got
money coming in. And then I worked out a weekly
deal and I said to him, okay, well, look, I want
to try and pay you 600 around a week. I'm not
sure how well I'm going to get the money from,
but I'm going to make sure it happens. And I
did. I did make sure it happens. I got the So
he started telling, he started repeating my own
advice at me and they said like, you know, people
have to apply for hundreds of jobs before they
get anything. So you should apply for the same.
And then I did apply for hundreds of jobs. I
literally did like over 300 jobs on LinkedIn
and across many different places. That was a
mistake because now I've got recruiters harassing
me, but in any case, so, and they all want you
to like go through five different interviews
before you get to the interview. And it's crazy
now the work world. But then eventually like
the one place I applied for was platinum life
Yeah, which you know, like they one of the leading
they sell cancer policies mainly targeting woman
or cisgender woman because it's You know, you
like have to be assigned female at birth. They
cover that specific part of female anatomy Cancers
for that like breast cancer cervical cancer I
could probably name you the eight cancers where
they cover like it's been so drilled into me
at this point And then I got that job and a weekend,
the guy decided, okay, now he doesn't want me
around anymore. Cause, um, it turned out, you
know, getting a high paying job in IT is just,
it's takes a lot more for nagging than just sending
your CV to a random place that doesn't know you.
You need to have insight connections. Uh, which
is what I was trying to tell people, but they,
they, this is also once again, the old mindset
is, you know, just work hard and you'll get there.
So I worked hard at getting work. But I still
had to end up taking a tele -sales position in
a completely different industry because, well,
I needed money to survive and yeah, it paid decently.
And I have no ill will towards that company.
They pay very well. I mean, I have to say, if
you make sales, they pay well, but it's also
in a completely different industry. And I was
like sitting there like really depressed because
I'm like, I studied IT and I'm doing something
completely different. It's like all my years
of education and IT has now been wasted. So,
and yeah, then the guy basically threw me out.
I mean, I was starting to build a community there
in Strand, you know, and I was also thinking,
okay, how am I going to transition? But you know,
people were people were getting along with me.
I was being myself. I just didn't say I'm trans.
And then I decided to sabotage it. And I think
there was a good deal of jealousy as well, because
he kept on saying things like, you know, Oh you
you virgin, you know, uh, you know nothing and
i'm because he was going through a divorce at
the time He was talking about how macho he was
and let's just say this guy makes job of the
heart look like a sex symbol So it it it really
isn't somebody that is aware of his own Downfalls
always very aware of it and just wants to avoid
it so Because I was like getting along with a
lot of people and I was like he introduced me
to his friends and I was getting along well with
them and we were having great conversations and
then Yeah, and then you kept on calling me a
virgin But I said nothing to him because I was
just very amused by that. It's like he didn't
know that I'm actually not and Haven't been for
some time, but I was just like, okay, it's fine.
You know, you can live with your assumptions
I don't feel the need to educate you But then,
yeah, then when he found out I'm trans, then
threw me out and also just lied in general. I
don't even want to repeat some of the stuff he
said, but he was just making up lies as he went
along. I mean, it's also like when he decides
to make breakfast, then I must now, he doesn't
want to ask me, I must come and make it and make
coffee for the two of us. And so there was also
this other thing of Okay, so he asked me wants
to bring him a coffee in bed as well And I was
like, um, this is a bit of unusual request. It's
fine. I'll do it But then I gave him his coffee
and then walked out as soon as possible. So I
was hoping that would be the hint Would also
walk in his speedo around me and like like I
said to you Jabba the heart looks better than
this guy. So now you've got this massively Ugly
guy walking around mainly naked and he's having
a conversation with you and you're so uncomfortable
around him and he's like sneezing at every woman
he gets a chance at because he's going through
a divorce and telling everybody about it. No
wonder he's getting a divorce. Yeah yeah because
also one of the things he told me was that um
he was doing some work in a different part of
um the western cape and then he mentioned like
you know like having a sexual encounter with
a much older woman and I pieced together this
was while he was still married and he and his
wife were supposed to be monogamous. I asked
him because he said, no, he had three Sims and
orgies and all that. I said, oh, so you two were
swing a couple? He said, no, no, I was. So I
was like, oh, okay. So just, he was just cheating.
It's not how it works now. And then, so thank
God he actually threw me, like I'm actually an
atheist now, but thank God, praise Jesus, he
threw me out. So, because it was getting a little
bit much. He had a weird attachment over me and
I think it probably wouldn't have been very comfortable
staying there. So, it's best I left. And then
yeah, then got to Stellenbosch, staying in the
backpackers there while I was busy doing my telesales
job. everybody was really shocked when they heard
the story of, I'm basically without a house and
I'm still working. I have to come in and work
like nothing's different. It was the most terrible
feeling in the world. It's like, where am I going
to go next? I don't have a house. How did you
pull that off? Good question. I think the thing
that really helped me was when I came down to
Strand, I immediately started doing therapy.
I got a therapist through Humanitas. They're
a brilliant organization. So anybody looking
for mental health help in South Africa, I mean,
it's free. So you can apply to Humanitas. Obviously
there's a bit of a waiting list. And so I had
free therapy and she's been really great. And
yeah, so like every single week, like we were
like checking in and you know, like checking
my moods because obviously it was a huge shift
coming down to Cape Town. Uh, I keep on saying
Cape town when I mean the Western Cape. So the
Western Cape in general. And yeah, because it's
also a bit of a culture shock because things
work very differently to where I'm used to and
how taking the Northern part of South Africa.
It's there. It's very, very quick. And here it's
very much not the same way. It's very multicultural
and a lot more relaxed and people are open about
things like drug use, for example. And it, it
was, it's quite a shock. coming down here but
while I was busy working then yeah I was doing
therapy and it's just you know taking it a day
at a time like there were some days where I was
sitting there like okay um I don't have any place
booked for the night like I don't have a place
to stay tonight so what am I gonna do you know
and you know like tell friends you know like
I need some help um and then we would just book
it one night at a time and uh eventually like
one of the people was working out because I was
telling a lot of people while I was there at
At the office like you know this happened and
then one guy said okay. Well, he's leaving He
can't keep up with his job and tell ourselves,
but he was gonna stay with this guy in Stellenbosch
So here's the contact so make contact with a
guy who seemed nice enough stoner, you know So
I thought he would be really relaxed. He's there
in La Colline which is like on the border of
Stellenbosch and Clutusville. So it's very much
on the on the cusp because Stellenbosch itself
Central is a lot of students, but they reach
your people and then you've got the wine lands
and then yeah, you've got the Here goes to a
more lower income. I was saying an actually but
more of a lower income area and Yeah, the reason
I just mentioned is to paint a picture of what
what it was like One guy spoke to, we spoke about
the exact complex I was living in. His words
were, it's not bad, but it's not good. So that's
pretty much how we describe it. So then I stayed
with this guy and he seemed normal enough. I
mean, we drank a lot and you know, like he gave
me some weed and I also like got into the whole
weed scene for just about a month. And then I
decided it wasn't for me. And then there were
some hints like there initially. Because he he
visited with his brother and they they're very
weird people they like very Bohemian almost but
Like I was a little bit inebriated at the time.
So I didn't realize I'm actually Dealing with
some people were saying some far -right things
like it it was there I noticed it but you know,
the alcohol was kind of like but that's not important
right now You know, it's like because my brain
was on another mission because I saw a cat who
looked exactly like Hitler I know, random, but
still. And then they said to me the cat's name.
This cat, they said something like, I think his
name is, we have a cat named something like that.
Or they named him after a Nazi figure. And I
was like, it's a bit weird to name your pet after
a Nazi figure. So yeah, but like I said, as I
was drunk at the time, it didn't fully come.
Penetrate my noggin that maybe this isn't the
best environment. Oh, yeah, and one woman also
asked me It's like what is a woman and then then
I just like answered as neutral as possible an
adult human female that that's that's all I said
so I didn't say anything about trans or anything
because Yeah, but I was feeling like the vibes
I thought this was a very friendly place because
you know, I had what did I even have it? I had
beer in I had some guy gave me 12 year old whiskey.
Let me say that on the bottle Then I drank some
of that and then I had some more beer. So I was
not with the show entirely But then on the way
back the the guy was saying with the landlord
His car made a funny noise and he was like somebody's
messing around with my car and then the whole
night No, nobody touched his car anything then
he was Then that was the first end that he this
guy's a little bit, you know, he's not all right
in the head because then also In his kitchen
counter. He had this weird exercise. We would
do Not kind of almost like a depth exercise,
but this guy's got like massive hands. It's a
big guy So then he like do these depth exercises
you would hear the table crack when he's busy
doing this Then later on he came in randomly
and he asked me. It's like, you know, there's
there's a crack over there Do you know who caused
that? I looked at him like No, I didn't I didn't
cause that it never got into his head. Okay,
listen here It's because you're doing those freaking
stupid exercises and you're cracking a table.
That's what happened. So you would constantly
see cracks in the wall and in his room, there
was a crack above the ceiling. He said that wasn't
there. And I said to him, listen, I've never
been in your room. And he told me, no, no, no,
you can come in and take a look. And I refused
to come into his room because I just think as
a matter of principle, if you've got a landlord,
you never. Into their room ever. It just felt
uncomfortable, especially when it's a man who
barely now. I don't enter his room. You don't
even have to explain it. Yeah, I don't even have
to explain it, but it was just, I just told him,
no, no, no. I refuse to come into your room.
I firmly told him that. And I said to him, I've
never been in your room. That's not me. That's,
that's either it was there or somebody worked
in there and they caused that crack. But I told
him as well, I don't think that's just possible.
So then he got more and more paranoid. And I
actually really got scared for my life at one
point because this guy. started threatening me
and then eventually I just made, I remember this
day, I was at work and sitting with this stress
again, I was like, well, look, if it's being
threatened by him or living in a hostel again,
I would rather just go back to a hostel. So I
made that decision and I was about to, you know,
go home and get my things. Then he sent me a
message and he said, okay, leave. I don't want
you around anymore. So it was kind of like a
call. I made the decision, but now I no longer
have a choice in any case. And he took my, I
gave him a thousand round deposit. He took that
deposit as well because apparently I was the
one causing cracks in his walls. So it just,
people take your rent. Then they just throw you
out the street, which is anyways illegal in South
Africa, but people still do it in any case. So
yeah, but then directly after that, I went back
to the hostel where I'd stayed at the first time
this happened. And it was really quiet and I,
I don't know, I didn't, it felt very isolating
there, but I met the owners. They were pretty
jovial people. Yeah. Then eventually I got like
applied for volunteering here at SoulFam who
had just opened and I wasn't aware, but saw their
website. They're like, if you're LGBT and you
want to come and volunteer, then come here. And
I was like, well, this is a godsend. I say again,
as an atheist. And then, yeah, I applied to come
down here. then for the first week I tried to
maintain my sales job, but it became apparent
I'm not able to do both. So then I left my tele
-sales job and yeah, been working for myself
freelance again. And yeah, I've also met a lot
of interesting people through here. So it's been,
since here, it's been on an upward journey. I've
been... interfacing a lot with the trans community.
Met a trans man as well now who I've been talking
to. He's going through a bit of a rough time
and is currently living in a shelter. Yeah, but
it's been great interfacing with the larger trans
community and just getting to know such awesome
people. Make it a daily event to go down to the
lighthouse in Greenpoint. Just hang around the
beach there. It's so nice. So many people have
their dogs there, so it's cool. And I walked
through the Greenpoint park. It's such a lovely
environment. Through basically the toughest time
of my life, I've ended up, I've accomplished
the major life goal, which is being in Cape Town
itself. There's like, it was a really tough year,
but it's, you know, as the phrase goes, it was
the best at times. It was the worst of times.
And that's basically been 2025 for me. So yeah,
that's been my journey. I still think there's
going to be a few plot twists before the year
ends, to be honest. So I'm excited and a little
scared to see where things go, but mainly excited.
We still have four months to go. Yeah, that's
scary. That is an epic story. Thank you. You
said at one stage that you were... Sorry, I keep
bumping this thing. You said at one stage that
you were relieved that you were detransitioning
back in 2023. It was relief because you don't
have to go through transition. Or it was relief
because you don't have to experience the discrimination
you have to face by going through transition.
It's a bit difficult to say, but I think. where
my age face was at at the time was my sister
was living with me and uh it uh like there was
some difficulty in the family at the time and
so it was a difficult living situation like i
mean i didn't have any furniture and so and we
were actually just being i think maybe what i
felt was like we were being very positive and
you know getting along and making some good plans
for where we can go next and yeah that's that's
that's mainly what i felt it's like we were actually
getting along well And I was also maybe relieved,
you know, I don't have to go through this discrimination
that that's also part of it. But like I said,
it was, it was a relief, but it was also quite
a temporary relief because then about a month
after that, I came crashing down again. And also
it's with the dissociation, I realized it was
a lot deeper than I actually thought it was.
Like there was. I don't really still experience
this as strongly, but at the time when I was
living in Pretoria, because I'd gone through
a few traumatic events from 2021 to 2023, like
I I had COVID in 2021. I still can't smell all
that well because of it. Like my sense of smell
is impaired permanently because of it. Well,
I'm not sure if permanently, but it's been basically
permanently impaired since then. Then I I went
through a lot of traumatic experiences like,
you know, being sexually assaulted at the workplace
and also just experiencing that. And then I started
to come to terms with my gender identity and
I thought, you know, is one causing the other?
Because there is, I think there is a bit of a
stereotype, you know, you know, if you go through
sexual trauma, then that, there is that stereotype
and unfortunately it was ingrained into me. So
I thought one is causing the other. So I was
like, still believing that and you know the transitioning
and thinking that is because of this because
in When was it? I think it was late 2022. It
was before my sister came to stay with me early
2023 Actually late 2022 the the month before
I started going to therapy like I mean So some
girl I knew flashed me at the working environment
and that that doesn't sound like much but it
was traumatic just you know being you know having
somebody expose themselves to you while you're
busy at work and I've because I was working on
the computer you know it's the one place I actually
really feel safe I always feel safe when I'm
looking at a computer when it's my computer or
somebody else's and then ever since then it's
just it's been very hard for me to actually sit
here physically doing this without you know spacing
out because it it seemed like a minor thing because
you know and there's also a lot of stereotypes
in place but then I started going through this
transition and I was also thinking is it because
of this or that and you know and then about a
few months later like one of my neighbors at
the place I was staying at he invited me in for
a drink and like I thought okay the guy was a
little bit weird but you know I'm weird too so
I thought whatever The next thing you know, he's
like trying to push me into something. They like
making advances. And I told them, listen here,
I'm not interested. Um, and then he knew what
he was doing is wrong. And then I just had to
quickly hightail it out of that situation. And
so I made a call to my, to my dad to go and do
my laundry. Place I had I didn't have a washing
machine. So I had to always lug my laundry in
the in the washing bin two blocks back home Like
walk with it because I didn't have a have a car.
So then that was my escape So I got on the call
with a guy with my dad and then just walked out
of the apartment The guy said nothing didn't
come to look for me or anything. I think he knew
like okay charades over and Yeah, then I thankfully
took some, well, I didn't go through lawyer,
but I went through official means to get the
guy out of the apartment complex and he left
without any further incident. So I drew upon
my support network, but I also think then there
was a little bit of discrimination that happened
because I mean, I think maybe those people, I
noticed there was a pulling away with communication.
We were once on good terms, but now suddenly
they weren't. really talking to me anymore when
I mentioned what had happened, because I told
them exactly what happened the day it happened.
I sent a voice now to the guy, the manager, and
they were pretty shocked by it, but they, I don't
know, they made it more about themselves than
anything else. So they didn't really ever check
in with me again, ask how I'm doing. And my first
therapist turned into a racial issue. So that
was weird. second therapist was at least very
supportive. So I spoke about both of these. And
then, so to come back to the old relief I felt
was the reason why I was short -lived is because
I was still dealing with that trauma. And that's
not something that really goes away easily. Because
it becomes such a weird part. It's like a computer
virus, a worm. It infects different parts of
your system and then things aren't running correctly
and you just... Don't know why and then I also
realized like this. There's a lot of stuff that
By my traumatic response is to look for affirmation
from people the whole time even bad people have
this compulsive need to be on the good side and
Then I would look at myself act and I'm like,
you see I mean my sister also pointed this out
to me It's like why are you befriending some
of the biggest assholes in the world? Why are
you being nice to them? Tell them to fuck off?
And I would be like no I have to you know Because
I thought I did because I didn't know my anything
about my attachment style until now recently
I realized that I'm you know preoccupied anxious
and this this is exactly what an anxious attachment
style does is you're always scared of being abandoned
so you and you're always scared of conflict so
you do whatever you can not to be abandoned and
even if you're not in a good environment and
then yeah, then eventually Being around people
who've hurt me a lot that were being around the
same person who you know harassed me It started
to really chip away at me just piece by piece.
It's all I could no longer function so when she
had to leave the environment and then but I started
transitioning again and then yeah, and once again
this I've realized now there is this pattern
where I seem to get involved with we could have
bad men in my life and that I think it's that
attachment style keeps on drawing because they
see this vulnerability and they like to prey
on it. This happened to me so many times. I mean,
when like the landlords I mentioned, but what
I also didn't mention is like this year, like
there was somebody who I thought was a friend.
I mean, the guy was really cold and critical
and negative towards me and he was saying racerialist
stuff. But when I was kicked out, like Stayed
with a guy for a weekend, but I'm not gonna go
into a lot of detail with Lisa say he plastered
me with so many drinks I couldn't really function
anymore. And then like I drew a boundary with
him at one sexual act like we started to hook
up but Then I told them there's one act, you
know, like I'm not open to and then while he
thought I was asleep he tried to do that with
me and then because I was still awake asked him
what are you doing and then he immediately backed
off like the guy became shit scared very quickly
because he knew what he was doing was wrong so
then I just got out of bed and went and stepped
in the next room once same deal but guy never
checked in or asked about it he knew what he
was doing is wrong but then later through therapy
like I remember my my therapist was actually
a little bit freaked out when I told her this
is like this whole event came spelling out is
like she told me this sounds very traumatic and
I was like yeah it was and then eventually I
was trying to make peace with the guy again you
know fearful attachment you know like I feel
I need to do what's best then I just like I woke
up the next morning and like a voice inside my
head told me hey you know this you don't need
this guy in your life you really should stay
away from him so then I sent him a message and
I said to him Look, I've tried to make peace
with you, but you're not a good person. I want
nothing to do with you. Don't even contact me
again." And I blocked him. And I'm really glad
I did that because that was actually a major
turning point for me. And I think that's really
been the biggest victory this year was just realizing
that, hey, you know, this is why I keep on falling
into the same pattern the whole time. And I've
taken steps to stop it from happening, but it's...
It's difficult. I mean if you've been raised
with an abusive parent like an abusive father
then that And especially like at the level we
were raised. It's so insidious. It's like Like
I told my therapist, you know, I've healed with
a lot of wounds and I've learned to work past
them But there's it's death by a thousand cuts.
I've healed 500 cuts, but I've still got 500
more I've got to work through so you don't realize
how much of your life is just governed by post
-trauma and Yeah, it's but I have to say realizing
who my attachment style and Realizing it's because
of because your attachment style falls when you're
at your most helpless your first Three years
your first 18 months. So that's before your conscious
memory really starts to kick in So that's actually
when you're helpless. So it's something that's
beyond, I'm not in control, I'm not in control
of the fact that I have an anxious attachment
style, but I'm still in control of how I react
and we can start to heal and become more secure
in our attachments. And I think, yeah, that was
the biggest thing I realized was like, I have
this pattern of getting involved with these bad
men and realizing that now is also like a cool.
if I meet a man and he's making all kinds of
promises, then I really have to look at the facts.
And it's almost like you have this self -hatred
that keeps on letting you fall into the same
pattern. But yeah, it's been a difficult thing
to deal with. And yeah, it's been very healing,
but at the same time, there's still a lot of
work to be done. So yeah, but to answer your
question, that's how my year was. That's wild.
I was thinking about I had multiple questions
to ask while you were talking and they've gone
away. Yeah. I was a little bit on a roll there,
but yeah. I don't know what my attachment style
is. What I do know is I've always been an exhibitionist
and a bit of a slut. So those are things that
I'm coming to terms with now. And I'm not saying
those things as a bad thing. The stigmas have
been lifted. But sometimes there's still self
-deprecation. Let me tell you about my year anyway.
I'm just trying to think about where to start.
Back in 2022, my relationship became open and
not... polyamorous, just open to being polyamorous.
The right term is non -monogamous, right? Because
those two things I think are a little bit different.
And that didn't come from a bad space. You know,
I hate this idea in a lot of the world that couples
do this to try and save their marriage or whatever.
No, our marriage was not in a great place. And
then we tried something that we had discussed
plenty of times before and it worked and our
relationship started improving. My We also we
also dug ourselves out of a mountain of debt
in the order of out twenty or thirty thousand
euros dollars and So that took about three years
and we bought a new car in that time that I paid
off so basically for for three years there was
no money where we're like living living on this
ground just and when I when I When I finally
dug myself out of that, there was just this massive
sense of relief and I came into a new job where
there was enough money to start saving in earnest
and start relaxing and stepping back. and thinking
about things. And I've always wanted a podcast.
Since the time I knew about podcast, I've wanted
one, but I never knew what I wanted to talk about.
Enter Kaleidoscope, because I realized that I
just want to talk to people. I just want to find
out what their stories are, how they've come
to the space where they're at, and what that
means for them. And then try and learn from that.
because I think we can learn from everybody.
And I also think that my own life was so kind
of secluded and shut off for my own protection
of hiding the fact that I'm transgender and just
being perceived as an introvert. and having very
few friends, not really socializing a lot. But
when I do get talking, I love to go as deep as
possible, especially with strangers. I just love
interacting with strange people, like people
I don't know, not strange people. Anyway, I became
more and more depressed. We've been through this
and then I found Away, and I went on to estrogen
about a and spironolactone So anti androgens
also think that I may have always been intersex
or androgen insensitive Because I have never
been a hairy person ever No, I was preparing
to tell my family my closest relatives that I
am transitioning And then I phoned them. I don't
want to give too many details in public. They've
asked not to. And I respect that. But I phoned
and I was told that my letter had been read.
And I was like, what letter? I haven't sent anyone
any letters. And then they were like, oh, you're
trans. Q, just like a defensive knee jerk reaction
of me saying that this is completely out of line.
And to invalidate that person's autonomy by telling
other people is one of the worst things that
you could possibly do to them. Imagine at the
time I credited to a pregnant woman who finds
out that she is pregnant, she confides in you
that she is pregnant, but she tells you that
she's not ready to tell anybody, and then you
immediately go into life. It's a violation of
privacy in the extreme. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.
Anyway, so then I was, and I had also just received
my prescription to get, I live in China, received
my prescription to get HRT in China. So I started
off non -prescription. I had. Made my own estrogen
a lot of it I have enough estrogen in that drawer
over there to last me like two years so I had
made my own and Just just to prepare because
I had no idea what was going to happen, but I
know that if I stop it's not going to be It's
not going to be good It's not it's not a good
thing for for me because my brain has rewired
itself completely. Like I don't think the same
way anymore. I don't perceive the world in the
same way. And that happened like days after I
realized and embraced this my own identity. So
anyway, I had just received this prescription
and I was trying to figure out how to deal with
it, especially because I work with kids and Donald
Trump had just been elected and told the world
that we don't exist and that we are not who we
say we are and that we are just a whole litany
of terrible heinous things and we want to shoot
everyone with guns apparently. So this was a
problem for me and I knew that if I wanted to
tell, like if somebody discovered this and I
hadn't been proactive in that process, it could
be very bad for me so I went to HR and I told
them and then they two days later they said hey
you said you would resign so we're here to collect
your resignation letter and I told them that's
not what I said there has been a heinous miscommunication
I don't think you understand what I mean I tried
to explain myself They said, we will take your
resignation letter. You're going to affect the
children. And then at that point I said, well,
then you have to speak to them. So I did get
a lawyer and everything stalled out because they
wanted my visa to expire and forced me to leave,
which would have been very bad. Even though I
had other methods of staying in China, it just
would have made my life quite difficult. So I
went through about five months of just horrible
hostility at work where my boss started completely
ignoring me. People didn't respond like I would
send HR a message like I need this document by
this time. No response. I need you to tell me
about this. And then they changed it. Oh, you
don't want to give us your resignation letter?
uh, we're canceling our contract. And then I
said, well, my contract is a lot of money, a
lot, a lot of money. And if you want to take
that route, then you're going to pay me out the
full value of the contract because that's, that's
the rule. That's the, that's the labor law in
China. Eventually they decided, well, I backed
off because I don't want to sit fighting people.
I need to find a job and my mental health with
Donald Trump and work and trying to find a new
job and the risk of defaulting on any payments
or anything became a major problem for me. So
I settled. I took basically three months of severance.
So this month will be the last payment from that
school. And I got a new visa. And I've been able
to move to a new school and it's a much more
liberal school, but I'm not openly trans there.
It is a problem though, because some students
are asking, why do you teach her? Why do you
look like a girl? And that also prompted me to
go to South Africa and meet you, Kira. Because
I realized that if I don't... Like, I have this
contract now. If something happens, if I lose
this contract or next year they don't renew me,
I might not be able to get a new job because
my androgyny is to the extent where kids just
are much more perceptive than adults when it
comes to gender. and even the performance of
gender because they're still learning it. And
what they see doesn't matter what I wear. It
doesn't matter about my presentation or expression
at work. They see a female teacher teaching them.
And yeah, so anyway, I just want to avoid as
much trouble as that. So my passport is going
to change to... F and my name will change to
Ruby Ray. And once that happens, I will probably
lose this job where I am. I hope not. I know
the principal. I've worked with him before. He's
given me teacher of the year before. I know his
assistant very well. We worked together in the
previous school that we're at. They both like
me. And the school is big enough to transfer
me to another department where I will never have
to see the students that I am working with now
ever again. Or I could go to a kindergarten within
the same school. And I would like to do that.
But if they don't let me do that, then I will
just find a new job. But I will force them to
legally change my visa over so that I don't have
to show the new school my old passport. Because
that is my legal right. Like my passport will
change, my identity will change, but my obligation
to the previous identity is persistent. My personhood
is persistent. So yeah, there's also president,
but the problem is the fact that Children are
involved and parents are involved and school
payments are involved and I'm in a conservative
country. It just makes everything much, much
harder. Oh, and I was talking about polyamory.
That has now become a factor that I have been
able to explore much more in my new state of
being. Um, and it's lovely. Um, it's lovely.
We'll leave it at that. That's my year. I'm facing
much, much more discrimination, hate, just a
torrent of hate that I would never have been
able to conceive of in the wildest fantastical
fantasy story. streaming its way into my inbox
on a daily fucking basis. And I just, I, I'm,
I don't think people realize, I don't think people
realize the extent, even transphobes don't realize
the extent of the hate that they pour our way.
Um, for no valid reason. So, but my point is
despite all of that, I am sparkling. And, uh,
yeah, they can go fuck themselves. Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah. Or subscribe, you know, if you, you can
subscribe, you can keep pouring the hate. Just
give me that engagement. Follow and subscribe.
Absolutely. Yeah. My story was considered shorter
than yours. Yeah. I felt like I had stories within
stories I had to tell. It's usually the way it
goes. No, it's fine. You have to get them out.
Yeah, I do. I'm still going to talk about them
in more detail. On my channel, I did briefly
talk about the evictions, but I think also a
lot of YouTubers do story time. I think especially
the Stellenbosch one is like... It's a pretty,
pretty crazy story. I mean, there's a lot more
to it. Like the guy had his toaster on the balcony.
That's another story in and of itself. Because
he thought the cockroaches can't get it if he
puts his toaster on the balcony. There were all
kinds of weird things that happened there. That's
just, it's funny now in retrospect, but it was
very stressful to live with. But it does sound
like - Hold the fuck up. Wait. Just hold on.
Somebody had a cockroach problem and their solution
to the problem was to move, to move their appliance
away from the cockroaches in the same house,
but not try to get rid of the cockroaches. Yeah.
Exactly. This is why we choose the pear. I will
choose the pear. He also thought he was destroying
their morale by, I don't know, putting an old
t -shirt in a hole to keep them away. Because
apparently cockroaches are too dumb to get around
a t -shirt. There's all kinds of weird, weird
things. He moved his toast outside and told me
to put the toast outside and yeah. She's gonna
be back in a second, but... That is insane. That's
insane. You cannot, you cannot put a hole, you
cannot put cloth in front of a cockroach nest
or whatever burrow, whatever you call that, to
get rid of cockroach. They will eat the cotton.
They don't give a fuck. Okay. You don't know
their diet. This man is probably one of those
who does not invest into toilet paper. This man
is probably one of those who thinks that it is
emasculating to shower on a regular basis and
keep clean. Do you guys destroy the morale of
cockroaches with cotton? Let's message Kira and
see if we can get her back.