WEBVTT 00:00:02.039 --> 00:00:05.700 Hi, welcome to Kaleidoscope, episode 2, part 00:00:05.700 --> 00:00:11.580 B. Part A was already pretty deep, and it ended 00:00:11.580 --> 00:00:15.460 on the words, I ran out of candles. These words 00:00:15.460 --> 00:00:19.059 hint at the deeper struggles of identity and 00:00:19.059 --> 00:00:22.760 the fear of facing something unknown. In part 00:00:22.760 --> 00:00:28.399 B, we hear Roldia's prompt, and we place our 00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:33.890 hearts on the table. Join us to see what happens. 00:00:34.210 --> 00:00:46.070 Welcome to Kaleidoscope. That's my answer. I'm 00:00:46.070 --> 00:00:53.549 not going to elaborate. I'm joking. I mentioned 00:00:53.549 --> 00:00:58.909 the cave earlier and the cave -in. I'm not sure 00:00:58.909 --> 00:01:04.120 when... when the cave -in happened or happened 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:07.739 over which cave -in it was, there were multiple 00:01:07.739 --> 00:01:12.959 over time. But the thing is, you don't know that 00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:15.560 you're in a cave. Or you know that you're in 00:01:15.560 --> 00:01:17.239 a cave, but you don't know that there's an outside. 00:01:17.579 --> 00:01:26.239 And you have unlimited candles. And as... When 00:01:26.239 --> 00:01:31.930 the first cave -in happened... I was so scared 00:01:31.930 --> 00:01:36.890 of the shaft of sunlight that I just lit more 00:01:36.890 --> 00:01:41.129 candles, enough candles to, just like what Raldia 00:01:41.129 --> 00:01:47.189 is kind of doing, to blind out the light. So 00:01:47.189 --> 00:01:51.629 many candles because I had unlimited. The thing, 00:01:51.650 --> 00:01:55.730 like in my little room where I had this shaft 00:01:55.730 --> 00:01:59.859 of light and all my candles. What you don't know 00:01:59.859 --> 00:02:05.799 is that the rest of your people around you, they 00:02:05.799 --> 00:02:08.840 all have doors in their rooms and they can go 00:02:08.840 --> 00:02:15.039 out. So anyway, for me, eventually I ran out 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:18.020 of candles. Those candles were a myriad of things. 00:02:22.099 --> 00:02:26.080 Most of them linked to a masculine gender identity. 00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:32.020 Like going to an all -boys school, trying to 00:02:32.020 --> 00:02:38.599 marry early, thinking or insisting that I want 00:02:38.599 --> 00:02:43.360 kids and that I would be a good father, which 00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:49.319 I would have been, but I would have been an even 00:02:49.319 --> 00:02:56.409 better mother. And thinking that... All of these 00:02:56.409 --> 00:02:59.650 things I had to do in order to maintain that. 00:03:00.349 --> 00:03:05.090 And eventually, I just ran out of steam. When 00:03:05.090 --> 00:03:08.610 you have no candles, you must go into the light. 00:03:09.270 --> 00:03:13.930 And that's what happened. That's such a beautiful 00:03:13.930 --> 00:03:18.849 metaphor, Obie. It is. It is. I actually thought 00:03:18.849 --> 00:03:22.189 when you said, I ran out of candles, it was kind 00:03:22.189 --> 00:03:24.870 of like you ran out of patience for people, too. 00:03:25.389 --> 00:03:37.830 Nah. It's all internal. I was sexually deviant. 00:03:37.990 --> 00:03:43.849 If people talk about body counts, mine is horrendous. 00:03:43.930 --> 00:03:52.969 And I lived through Every experience that I had, 00:03:53.030 --> 00:04:01.610 my life was vicarious at best. Even with my wife 00:04:01.610 --> 00:04:09.669 now. She knows about this. I won't be with her. 00:04:09.810 --> 00:04:14.389 I don't like saying this because it sounds like 00:04:14.389 --> 00:04:19.660 a cliche. But it's also... It's a true cliche. 00:04:19.720 --> 00:04:25.939 It just shouldn't be misconstrued as being in 00:04:25.939 --> 00:04:30.079 the wrong body. But I fantasized as myself being 00:04:30.079 --> 00:04:39.360 a woman, like changing places. I thought that 00:04:39.360 --> 00:04:41.939 was normal for most of my life. That's why it 00:04:41.939 --> 00:04:45.019 was a candle. It's just normal. It's normal for 00:04:45.019 --> 00:04:49.589 you to... go out and think, oh, what a beautiful 00:04:49.589 --> 00:04:54.829 dress. I wish I could wear that. It sounds completely 00:04:54.829 --> 00:04:58.290 stupid now, saying that, but that's how I felt. 00:04:58.750 --> 00:05:02.870 I would go on a date with someone with a beautiful 00:05:02.870 --> 00:05:08.069 dress and I wanted to wear that dress for 35 00:05:08.069 --> 00:05:11.810 years of my life. And now finally I'm wearing 00:05:11.810 --> 00:05:17.860 a dress. Yeah. But that makes so much sense now. 00:05:17.980 --> 00:05:21.920 I think when we are just within ourselves, because 00:05:21.920 --> 00:05:24.680 the only experience we know is our experience, 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:28.360 then it's like, oh, you know, this is normal. 00:05:28.459 --> 00:05:30.279 Probably everybody thinks this. Yeah, exactly. 00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:32.620 Right? Like, nobody thinks anything else. Yeah. 00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:35.819 Like, oh my gosh, look at that outfit. It's the 00:05:35.819 --> 00:05:40.500 same. Like, journey of people is the same. Yeah. 00:05:41.139 --> 00:05:43.740 Yeah, there's this one movie that my friend, 00:05:45.480 --> 00:05:47.259 shared with us in this other group chat right 00:05:47.259 --> 00:05:50.100 it's called uh but i'm a cheerleader i think 00:05:50.100 --> 00:05:52.779 it's called something like that and it's about 00:05:52.779 --> 00:05:57.439 this girl who is in a very religious family you 00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:00.459 know all american type of girl cheerleader has 00:06:00.459 --> 00:06:02.399 a boyfriend has been had that boyfriend he's 00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:07.879 a quarterback the most cliche american things 00:06:07.879 --> 00:06:11.379 that you can think of that's what she was um 00:06:11.379 --> 00:06:16.009 and then but i guess she is discovering that 00:06:16.009 --> 00:06:21.069 she likes girls right so her family being a very 00:06:21.069 --> 00:06:23.649 you know christian family send her to a camp 00:06:23.649 --> 00:06:27.810 um and she's having her first little group therapy 00:06:27.810 --> 00:06:29.990 and she's like but everybody thinks that everybody 00:06:29.990 --> 00:06:32.149 looks at girls and thinks oh look at her butt 00:06:32.149 --> 00:06:34.870 it's so nice but everybody you know everybody 00:06:34.870 --> 00:06:38.670 thinks this is as if and that's what that reminded 00:06:38.670 --> 00:06:41.930 me it's like because we are all in our own brains 00:06:41.930 --> 00:06:44.569 and our own thoughts we all think This is normal. 00:06:44.810 --> 00:06:48.589 This is how everybody is. Everybody has these 00:06:48.589 --> 00:06:51.329 thoughts. Like, there's nothing wrong with it. 00:06:51.610 --> 00:06:56.709 And I think it comes because we want to hide 00:06:56.709 --> 00:07:00.610 ourselves so much and fit into those boxes, I 00:07:00.610 --> 00:07:07.009 guess, that we do that to ourselves versus trying 00:07:07.009 --> 00:07:09.629 to understand what, rather than what I said earlier, 00:07:09.769 --> 00:07:12.600 the root of a cause, right? What is the root? 00:07:12.759 --> 00:07:15.300 Where is the stomach from? Where is this coming 00:07:15.300 --> 00:07:18.839 from? Knowing that it's coming from somewhere. 00:07:19.100 --> 00:07:22.560 That's the first step. Like understanding that 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:35.019 there is a root. Thank you. Whatever, however 00:07:35.019 --> 00:07:39.540 dark it is. One of my favorite quotes right now 00:07:39.540 --> 00:07:43.139 is by Alexander Dumas from The Count of Monte 00:07:43.139 --> 00:07:46.540 Cristo. There is no such thing as happiness in 00:07:46.540 --> 00:07:49.699 the world, only the comparison of one state with 00:07:49.699 --> 00:07:56.079 another. You must have felt what it is to die 00:07:56.079 --> 00:08:03.899 to be able to experience supreme happiness. So... 00:08:03.899 --> 00:08:09.009 Yeah. We must know the lowest to be able to appreciate 00:08:09.009 --> 00:08:11.529 anything. Yeah, the joy that I feel now when 00:08:11.529 --> 00:08:14.290 I wake up in the morning and I'm like, oh, it's 00:08:14.290 --> 00:08:18.230 another day. I go, whoa, I'm a girl. It's worth 00:08:18.230 --> 00:08:26.750 it. Oh, I love that. I love that. I love that. 00:08:26.949 --> 00:08:36.250 Yeah, exactly. It just showcases That nothing 00:08:36.250 --> 00:08:38.470 should really be taken for granted too, though. 00:08:38.529 --> 00:08:43.129 Like, you have worked so hard for this that every 00:08:43.129 --> 00:08:45.509 day you should feel that level of appreciation. 00:08:46.389 --> 00:08:49.029 Every little barrier, like you were talking about 00:08:49.029 --> 00:08:51.529 the doctor, right? Every little thing like that 00:08:51.529 --> 00:08:54.750 should be celebrated because it's amazing. All 00:08:54.750 --> 00:08:58.909 of it is. And I know I sound very uppity and 00:08:58.909 --> 00:09:02.710 positive and all this, but trust me, I have been 00:09:02.710 --> 00:09:06.639 in the darkest. darkest points of where anybody 00:09:06.639 --> 00:09:11.720 can be. And because I've been there is why I 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:15.559 can appreciate the sunlight on my face. Yeah. 00:09:16.200 --> 00:09:20.179 And you just have to keep doing that. Every day. 00:09:20.220 --> 00:09:22.379 It's a reminder. Every day. You have to remind 00:09:22.379 --> 00:09:26.259 yourself every day. I think it's a choice, you 00:09:26.259 --> 00:09:29.580 know. And some people are sad. It's just like 00:09:29.580 --> 00:09:33.360 a state. I don't think, it's not a state, it's 00:09:33.360 --> 00:09:38.720 a choice. It is. You know, if you acknowledge 00:09:38.720 --> 00:09:42.059 that there is, like, there are low points and 00:09:42.059 --> 00:09:45.659 high points in your life, right? But they're 00:09:45.659 --> 00:09:50.399 not states. They're constantly transforming. 00:09:50.419 --> 00:09:53.580 They're going up and down, up and down, up and 00:09:53.580 --> 00:09:57.679 down. And it is a choice whether you want to 00:09:57.679 --> 00:10:02.799 go through the down, right? Very smoothly. And 00:10:02.799 --> 00:10:07.899 it applies as well for the up. Because. Even 00:10:07.899 --> 00:10:12.940 for the ups. Too much of a good thing. Can be 00:10:12.940 --> 00:10:15.960 a bad thing. You know. That's true. But I want 00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:22.200 to say. When I was talking earlier. It sounded 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:27.559 like. Maybe I regret my past. I don't. I don't 00:10:27.559 --> 00:10:32.820 think that. That anything that I did was done 00:10:32.820 --> 00:10:39.879 in a negative light or caused harm. Yeah. Like, 00:10:39.940 --> 00:10:46.899 overtly and anything other than incidental hurt 00:10:46.899 --> 00:10:51.580 to anyone, including myself. Right. Everything 00:10:51.580 --> 00:10:57.159 was benign and joyful. Like, I did not have a 00:10:57.159 --> 00:11:00.690 bad life. I was... I know now that I was depressed, 00:11:00.789 --> 00:11:07.090 but it manifested in ways that were mostly positive. 00:11:08.129 --> 00:11:11.269 Yeah. You know, I would love to live in a world 00:11:11.269 --> 00:11:14.529 where people get to do whatever the hell they 00:11:14.529 --> 00:11:20.990 want. If men wake up one day and they want to 00:11:20.990 --> 00:11:27.850 go buy that pretty dress and wear it, go for 00:11:27.850 --> 00:11:32.110 it. Go ahead. Do whatever. Express yourself. 00:11:32.970 --> 00:11:37.409 Express yourself. Know yourself. Like in every 00:11:37.409 --> 00:11:46.710 stage of your life. It's literally a background. 00:11:47.289 --> 00:11:51.389 It's how we express ourselves. Exactly. Exactly. 00:11:52.490 --> 00:11:58.429 If women one day want to dress Like a man, I 00:11:58.429 --> 00:12:00.929 don't know, want to do whatever they thought 00:12:00.929 --> 00:12:03.289 they could not do because they're just women, 00:12:03.409 --> 00:12:08.149 right? Do that. Do that. And I would love for 00:12:08.149 --> 00:12:11.149 it to be normal, right? Because it's not affecting 00:12:11.149 --> 00:12:13.830 anybody. Like, whatever it takes to affect that, 00:12:14.029 --> 00:12:16.789 it's just like, they just want to say something. 00:12:16.870 --> 00:12:21.889 They just want to put their opinion on it. And 00:12:21.889 --> 00:12:26.269 this definitely needs their opinion, you know? 00:12:26.830 --> 00:12:34.450 No, it does not. Of course. Yeah. Oh, go ahead. 00:12:34.889 --> 00:12:36.769 No, you wanted to say something, because I'm 00:12:36.769 --> 00:12:39.649 about to move on to the next two worlds. Yeah, 00:12:40.049 --> 00:12:41.590 I was just going to agree. I was going to say, 00:12:41.710 --> 00:12:46.190 wouldn't that be a lovely world? Yeah. Yeah. 00:12:48.149 --> 00:12:51.409 Down with the matriarchy, up with the matriarchy, 00:12:51.490 --> 00:12:54.549 because that's the world we want to know. Yep. 00:12:57.210 --> 00:13:00.769 Yes, yes, yes, 100%. I would not go the other, 00:13:00.870 --> 00:13:05.409 like, the other extreme, to be honest. I just 00:13:05.409 --> 00:13:08.370 like, you know, maybe in the middle, you know, 00:13:08.409 --> 00:13:10.429 it's just like everybody in the middle is happy. 00:13:10.669 --> 00:13:16.269 I think there are also a lot of issues, you know, 00:13:16.309 --> 00:13:21.669 with how women think and how women present themselves 00:13:21.669 --> 00:13:25.980 and stuff like that. I don't feel. On the other 00:13:25.980 --> 00:13:29.080 side, is that good? I think there's a lot of 00:13:29.080 --> 00:13:32.799 work that needs to be done. That's true. Fanaticism, 00:13:32.879 --> 00:13:37.580 I've said it a few times in our chat, purists 00:13:37.580 --> 00:13:44.720 are the downfall of. Exactly. You need to accept 00:13:44.720 --> 00:13:53.240 the mix. Otherwise, life is doomed. Raldia, prompt 00:13:53.240 --> 00:13:59.980 us. Yeah, I'm going to read this because I wrote 00:13:59.980 --> 00:14:05.740 it down and I had like... So, I'm sorry, I'm 00:14:05.740 --> 00:14:12.159 going to... I'm down half a bottle as well. It's 00:14:12.159 --> 00:14:14.519 a good conversation. I'm loving it so far. Yes. 00:14:15.259 --> 00:14:21.879 Okay, so my prompt is, my text is, growing up... 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:24.799 My environment lacked consistency emotionally, 00:14:25.340 --> 00:14:29.399 in daily activities, and in routines. The few 00:14:29.399 --> 00:14:32.240 things I tried to be consistent in were either 00:14:32.240 --> 00:14:35.860 dismissed as pointless or met with criticism, 00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:39.639 which created a deep anxiety around consistency 00:14:39.639 --> 00:14:44.600 itself. As an adult, this anxiety has made me 00:14:44.600 --> 00:14:48.200 adaptable and open to new experiences, but it 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:51.940 has also made commitment and routine feel suffocating 00:14:51.940 --> 00:14:56.659 like a chore yet i've come to realize that consistency 00:14:56.659 --> 00:15:00.700 and structure can provide peace of mind now i 00:15:00.700 --> 00:15:04.220 want to explore how i can reshape my emotional 00:15:04.220 --> 00:15:07.600 response to consistency so it feels like a source 00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:15.139 of stability rather than restriction yeah That 00:15:15.139 --> 00:15:18.500 is what I wanted to express today in this podcast 00:15:18.500 --> 00:15:20.919 because I think that is the biggest thing that 00:15:20.919 --> 00:15:26.340 I'm dealing with right now. I'm at a point in 00:15:26.340 --> 00:15:30.200 my life where I would love to be able to have 00:15:30.200 --> 00:15:35.139 consistency in my practices, in my hobbies, in 00:15:35.139 --> 00:15:40.720 my whatever it is. So this spreads. It's like 00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:43.440 a web that is just like everywhere in my life. 00:15:43.740 --> 00:15:48.519 this issue with consistency. So, out of consistency, 00:15:48.600 --> 00:15:52.799 besides the fact that you feel suffocated by 00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:56.799 it, right? What other emotions does it bring 00:15:56.799 --> 00:16:00.940 it up? Besides that, have you dived deeper into 00:16:00.940 --> 00:16:04.559 it? Yeah, I was expecting that whole question. 00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:12.720 So, as you know, as I've shared here, in my childhood, 00:16:13.159 --> 00:16:17.820 I did not feel safe to express my emotions. So 00:16:17.820 --> 00:16:23.980 there's a lot of frustration that I might not 00:16:23.980 --> 00:16:27.379 be good enough. You know, just like I've said, 00:16:27.460 --> 00:16:30.279 like it was whatever I was taking interest in 00:16:30.279 --> 00:16:34.679 as a child, most likely like children's stuff, 00:16:34.779 --> 00:16:40.379 like play or whatever, right? But as I was showing, 00:16:40.730 --> 00:16:43.889 As I was paying more attention to it, right, 00:16:43.950 --> 00:16:47.370 and not to whatever my parents were saying or 00:16:47.370 --> 00:16:50.309 forcing me to do, it was just like, why are you 00:16:50.309 --> 00:16:52.789 doing this? This is so stupid. Like, you're wasting 00:16:52.789 --> 00:16:55.009 your time. You should be studying this or doing 00:16:55.009 --> 00:16:57.549 that or whatever, right? So whatever I was trying 00:16:57.549 --> 00:17:01.529 to do, it was not good enough. And even the things 00:17:01.529 --> 00:17:03.490 that I was like, okay, it's not my interest, 00:17:03.570 --> 00:17:08.069 but I still want to be good at this, whatever 00:17:08.069 --> 00:17:11.329 it is that you want me to do. No, it's not good 00:17:11.329 --> 00:17:15.710 enough. You're never going to achieve anything 00:17:15.710 --> 00:17:19.089 in this life. So a lot of it has also to do with 00:17:19.089 --> 00:17:22.650 that frustration and that fear that even if I 00:17:22.650 --> 00:17:25.529 start something, I won't be able to finish it. 00:17:26.390 --> 00:17:30.329 I won't be good enough compared to other people. 00:17:31.009 --> 00:17:38.750 So it will have no value. So yeah, it's frustration, 00:17:39.069 --> 00:17:46.609 it's fear, it's shame. Even though nothing exactly 00:17:46.609 --> 00:17:49.289 happens, like I can just like quit, right? If 00:17:49.289 --> 00:17:52.230 I want to start running, I start running. I discover 00:17:52.230 --> 00:17:54.910 I'm bad at it, obviously I'm bad at it. Never 00:17:54.910 --> 00:17:58.029 been a runner, right? But it will bring up so 00:17:58.029 --> 00:18:00.410 many emotions that are obviously not necessary 00:18:00.410 --> 00:18:04.279 for that situation, you know? But it's linked 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:06.759 to that. It's linked to whatever new I'm trying 00:18:06.759 --> 00:18:11.259 to do, right? I can do it for some time. It's 00:18:11.259 --> 00:18:14.180 interesting for me, right? So that lack of consistency 00:18:14.180 --> 00:18:20.160 helped me start new things. But it is an obstacle 00:18:20.160 --> 00:18:28.119 when I try to maintain it. Okay. So it's not 00:18:28.119 --> 00:18:33.000 necessarily, I think, just consistently. Have 00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:37.259 you ever experienced issues with like commitment 00:18:37.259 --> 00:18:40.779 or committing to something? I think that's kind 00:18:40.779 --> 00:18:44.740 of where it goes into it too. It's like, yeah, 00:18:44.799 --> 00:18:47.079 you can start the practice. Like you mentioned, 00:18:47.119 --> 00:18:48.779 you could start running, right? You could like 00:18:48.779 --> 00:18:50.819 it and you could go through it. That is consistency 00:18:50.819 --> 00:18:55.680 in itself, but it's the long term, the distance 00:18:55.680 --> 00:19:01.710 that I think that really brings that fear. And 00:19:01.710 --> 00:19:03.470 it's probably going back to what you mentioned. 00:19:03.490 --> 00:19:07.589 You didn't have that safe space to let your emotions 00:19:07.589 --> 00:19:13.210 come out and to really express or try new things. 00:19:13.410 --> 00:19:16.250 And I can relate to that 100 % because I was 00:19:16.250 --> 00:19:18.769 told to be quiet. I wasn't told to be a little 00:19:18.769 --> 00:19:24.150 muñeca, a little doll. Yeah. I wonder, though, 00:19:24.170 --> 00:19:31.099 do you think that maybe because... Okay. So, 00:19:31.220 --> 00:19:40.539 my question was, and it's related to this, how 00:19:40.539 --> 00:19:44.000 were you mocked for trying to create consistency 00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:50.799 when you were a girl? It was the lack of patience 00:19:50.799 --> 00:19:54.859 and understanding to whatever I took interest 00:19:54.859 --> 00:20:00.720 in, and it usually came from my parents. Because 00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:05.319 whatever I took interest in, they were not interested. 00:20:05.460 --> 00:20:07.660 I get that. You don't have to be interested in 00:20:07.660 --> 00:20:10.160 it. But at least support me if you feel like 00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:15.700 I have an interest in something. And there was 00:20:15.700 --> 00:20:18.880 a lot of like, no matter how hard you're going 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:23.940 to try, you're just not trying hard enough. It's 00:20:23.940 --> 00:20:25.960 not enough. It's not enough. You're never going 00:20:25.960 --> 00:20:29.990 to achieve this. Like not believing I can do 00:20:29.990 --> 00:20:32.650 this, not believing this is something for me. 00:20:32.710 --> 00:20:35.769 Like, why would you take interest in this? It's 00:20:35.769 --> 00:20:39.910 too good. Right. So whatever I was doing, it 00:20:39.910 --> 00:20:43.130 was attaching to my excitement. It was attaching 00:20:43.130 --> 00:20:48.950 this like label of, of it's stupid. It's not 00:20:48.950 --> 00:20:51.789 worth it. So in the end, what I was understanding 00:20:51.789 --> 00:20:58.289 is that I'm not worthy to feel. Oh. to feel excited, 00:20:58.569 --> 00:21:04.809 to feel like creative, maybe. So yeah, this is 00:21:04.809 --> 00:21:17.509 how it happened, I think. My question was like, 00:21:17.670 --> 00:21:22.369 do you think that, but you've already answered 00:21:22.369 --> 00:21:30.240 it, maybe the, this idea that you're trying to 00:21:30.240 --> 00:21:36.839 create consistency and then somebody goes, oh, 00:21:36.880 --> 00:21:38.259 you're not good at it because you want to do, 00:21:38.319 --> 00:21:42.220 you should be doing this, like another activity 00:21:42.220 --> 00:21:46.819 or something that I told you to do. And they 00:21:46.819 --> 00:21:51.980 kind of label that. So you never make it through 00:21:51.980 --> 00:21:54.099 the honeymoon phase of something that you want 00:21:54.099 --> 00:21:57.529 to do. So you don't become, good at anything 00:21:57.529 --> 00:22:01.470 and now you're stuck you're stuck at the end 00:22:01.470 --> 00:22:05.329 of the honeymoon phase when that fades you want 00:22:05.329 --> 00:22:12.049 to change again yeah that's so sad yeah it has 00:22:12.049 --> 00:22:16.130 affected my entire life it has helped me it has 00:22:16.130 --> 00:22:18.930 helped me and I do benefits from it because I've 00:22:18.930 --> 00:22:21.869 seen that compared to other people I'm way more 00:22:21.869 --> 00:22:28.029 flexible I'm way more easy to take on new tasks 00:22:28.029 --> 00:22:31.309 new experiences you know and just like have the 00:22:31.309 --> 00:22:34.849 courage to you know what let's try this when 00:22:34.849 --> 00:22:39.970 it comes to just like for the long run i'm i'm 00:22:39.970 --> 00:22:42.890 getting anxiety because i don't think i don't 00:22:42.890 --> 00:22:45.890 think i have what it takes to sustain it you 00:22:45.890 --> 00:22:50.289 know yeah it's exactly what you described it 00:22:50.289 --> 00:22:53.470 it's just like it's like a continuous honey moon 00:22:53.470 --> 00:22:57.579 phase and I know that it's so delusional that 00:22:57.579 --> 00:23:02.259 I need to do something about it. You know, because 00:23:02.259 --> 00:23:05.759 it's only like that high interest, right? Dopamine, 00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:10.920 right? Raising that dopamine, like baseline, 00:23:11.619 --> 00:23:15.519 right? So when it passes the honeymoon phase, 00:23:15.559 --> 00:23:27.130 it's just another thing I'm not good at. Is it 00:23:27.130 --> 00:23:31.990 linked to competitiveness? Oh, sorry. It was 00:23:31.990 --> 00:23:37.069 linked to competitiveness by my parents because 00:23:37.069 --> 00:23:40.109 it was like, that girl can do it. Why can't you? 00:23:44.630 --> 00:23:47.190 And it's just like in Romanian culture, it's 00:23:47.190 --> 00:23:49.450 just like we are not taught to work together. 00:23:51.980 --> 00:23:55.779 In school, we don't make like seeds for projects 00:23:55.779 --> 00:23:57.880 and stuff like that. It's always get the first 00:23:57.880 --> 00:24:00.599 one, be better than the first one. It's a continuous 00:24:00.599 --> 00:24:04.519 race. I was never, never interested in that race. 00:24:05.019 --> 00:24:09.039 I was never interested why that colleague was 00:24:09.039 --> 00:24:12.819 better or a subject, you know? I felt like it 00:24:12.819 --> 00:24:18.039 was inspiring, right? But I never felt like competitive 00:24:18.039 --> 00:24:20.519 or anything. I was just like, that's interesting. 00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:28.079 But every day when I came home, it was like drilling 00:24:28.079 --> 00:24:30.900 and drilling and drilling and comparing and comparing. 00:24:31.940 --> 00:24:35.559 And that certainly did something to me because 00:24:35.559 --> 00:24:39.940 when I had that, we were talking about that identity 00:24:39.940 --> 00:24:44.400 crisis when I turned 30, it all came back. Because 00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:46.799 when you lose everything and it's just like from 00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:48.579 scratch, you feel like you're rebuilding yourself 00:24:48.579 --> 00:24:51.119 from scratch. Like if you know, like Tara, there's 00:24:51.119 --> 00:24:54.569 just like that tower movement, right? when everything 00:24:54.569 --> 00:24:56.849 comes crashing down and you need to rebuild that 00:24:56.849 --> 00:25:00.789 is when I realized okay now I can choose who 00:25:00.789 --> 00:25:05.750 I want to be so when I looked around I was like 00:25:05.750 --> 00:25:08.450 okay who am I what do I enjoy doing what am I 00:25:08.450 --> 00:25:13.289 and they all came back because I somehow I retreated 00:25:13.289 --> 00:25:18.029 into my like inner child trying to discover it 00:25:18.029 --> 00:25:23.380 and figure out what emotions I had and it all 00:25:23.380 --> 00:25:26.140 came all came together from the subconscious 00:25:26.140 --> 00:25:30.200 everything because i didn't pay attention to 00:25:30.200 --> 00:25:33.700 it for for the longest time or at least i thought 00:25:33.700 --> 00:25:36.940 it's not there i was ignoring my parents i did 00:25:36.940 --> 00:25:39.039 not speak a lot to my parents i was doing the 00:25:39.039 --> 00:25:42.240 contrary of whatever they were saying right but 00:25:42.240 --> 00:25:49.720 now apparently yeah it was a programming there 00:25:49.720 --> 00:25:52.730 was like Very silent in the subconscious. And 00:25:52.730 --> 00:25:58.349 it came forward and like, remember this? Remember 00:25:58.349 --> 00:26:01.529 this girl from school? Like, she was better than 00:26:01.529 --> 00:26:07.430 you? Yeah. And one thing I want to share, one 00:26:07.430 --> 00:26:15.329 experience about this. So, I was one day in the 00:26:15.329 --> 00:26:19.390 supermarket trying to buy bread. I was in the 00:26:19.390 --> 00:26:23.740 line. trying to pay suddenly out of nowhere i 00:26:23.740 --> 00:26:28.160 guess i get this panic attack and i hear my father's 00:26:28.160 --> 00:26:30.420 voice something that he told me when i when i 00:26:30.420 --> 00:26:35.200 was little um you will never amount to anything 00:26:35.200 --> 00:26:39.319 in this life there will never be a place for 00:26:39.319 --> 00:26:42.339 you even in the market to sell vegetables or 00:26:42.339 --> 00:26:48.160 whatever and i heard it very clearly and i started 00:26:48.160 --> 00:26:51.259 shivering like And I realized, some part of me 00:26:51.259 --> 00:26:53.539 realized that this is so stupid. I'm folding 00:26:53.539 --> 00:26:56.880 like a bread. I'm not in trouble. I'm not in 00:26:56.880 --> 00:27:00.380 any danger, right? Like, why am I like panicking? 00:27:01.460 --> 00:27:05.119 And I've learned from therapy how to calm down 00:27:05.119 --> 00:27:11.519 and really listen. So when I was able to calm 00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:15.839 down and listen, I realized that the words were 00:27:15.839 --> 00:27:22.619 actually spoken in my boobs. not my dad's and 00:27:22.619 --> 00:27:28.339 I think that I held him in my mind I held that 00:27:28.339 --> 00:27:30.859 those words with his voice in my mind for so 00:27:30.859 --> 00:27:33.960 long I had to call him when I when I got home 00:27:33.960 --> 00:27:37.160 and I said I am sorry that probably I was so 00:27:37.160 --> 00:27:39.640 resentful and I just remembered like your voice 00:27:39.640 --> 00:27:42.319 maybe you were tired from work maybe you didn't 00:27:42.319 --> 00:27:44.960 have like I was obviously not an easy child to 00:27:44.960 --> 00:27:48.339 deal with right You just said something when 00:27:48.339 --> 00:27:51.519 you were angry, but my mind thought, oh, this 00:27:51.519 --> 00:27:54.839 sounds cool. Maybe we can use this every time 00:27:54.839 --> 00:27:58.920 we want to keep her safe. This is like the perfect 00:27:58.920 --> 00:28:01.900 line we can tell her to prevent her to do anything 00:28:01.900 --> 00:28:06.259 that is dangerous. Or we perceive as dangerous. 00:28:06.859 --> 00:28:10.859 Yeah. I feel like you should apologize to yourself, 00:28:11.259 --> 00:28:14.740 not your dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to apologize 00:28:14.740 --> 00:28:17.539 also to myself for all the... self -development 00:28:17.539 --> 00:28:20.460 work that i did but that was like that moment 00:28:20.460 --> 00:28:24.019 when i i first heard that my dad's voice and 00:28:24.019 --> 00:28:26.720 then when i calmed down it was actually my voice 00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:30.160 that was shocking that was actually shocking 00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:35.859 like it is true what they say like you tell you're 00:28:35.859 --> 00:28:44.269 your worst enemy it's crazy it is it is we We 00:28:44.269 --> 00:28:46.829 put ourselves down more than any other person 00:28:46.829 --> 00:28:49.849 could ever. And we don't even realize because 00:28:49.849 --> 00:28:53.789 until we do that self work, right? We think it's 00:28:53.789 --> 00:28:57.289 external. We think it's other people. Yeah. Like 00:28:57.289 --> 00:29:00.529 you were mentioning, because I actually did hear 00:29:00.529 --> 00:29:03.829 a line like that from my mom when I was young. 00:29:04.990 --> 00:29:08.089 But instead of taking it as my brain didn't take 00:29:08.089 --> 00:29:10.089 it as a, this is how we're going to keep her 00:29:10.089 --> 00:29:13.720 safe from dangerous things. It was, this is how 00:29:13.720 --> 00:29:20.539 I'm going to make her push forward. So my brain 00:29:20.539 --> 00:29:24.759 did the opposite. So every time that I need a 00:29:24.759 --> 00:29:27.720 little push, a little fire under me to advance 00:29:27.720 --> 00:29:32.539 in some way or other, that line replays. That 00:29:32.539 --> 00:29:36.019 moment replays in my head. And it's like, nope, 00:29:36.119 --> 00:29:39.130 you gotta show her. You see, that's what I'm 00:29:39.130 --> 00:29:41.910 lacking. I'm not competitive. Ruby's question 00:29:41.910 --> 00:29:46.230 was so good. I'm not competitive. If you say 00:29:46.230 --> 00:29:50.450 something like that, it's just like, whoa. It 00:29:50.450 --> 00:29:54.670 does not put that fire under my ass and just 00:29:54.670 --> 00:29:59.049 make me, oh, I need to show them. For me, it 00:29:59.049 --> 00:30:05.230 does that because are you the oldest? I'm the 00:30:05.230 --> 00:30:09.900 only child. I got the whole material. There you 00:30:09.900 --> 00:30:12.920 go. There you go. That may be it. I'm the second 00:30:12.920 --> 00:30:15.339 daughter. The youngest daughter, the second daughter. 00:30:15.700 --> 00:30:20.420 I have an older sister. And my sister is six 00:30:20.420 --> 00:30:24.579 years older, right? Or five years older. So anything 00:30:24.579 --> 00:30:29.119 she did wrong, I got blamed. I was punished. 00:30:29.240 --> 00:30:33.339 Not her, me. Because somehow the younger sister 00:30:33.339 --> 00:30:35.000 was supposed to keep the older sister in mind. 00:30:36.779 --> 00:30:42.619 don't know don't know um but it was a a situation 00:30:42.619 --> 00:30:46.140 where it was always being compared to my sister 00:30:46.140 --> 00:30:51.259 yeah so in my brain since i was little was you 00:30:51.259 --> 00:30:53.380 have to do things different than her you have 00:30:53.380 --> 00:30:56.359 to be different you have to do more you cannot 00:30:56.359 --> 00:31:00.660 do what she does you cannot live life like she 00:31:00.660 --> 00:31:05.309 does so I was ingrained with such a competitive 00:31:05.309 --> 00:31:09.289 little gene or a little thing there that you 00:31:09.289 --> 00:31:13.289 saw me yesterday. Yeah. You saw it yesterday. 00:31:13.529 --> 00:31:16.130 A little bit of it. I was like, no, I'm going 00:31:16.130 --> 00:31:19.369 to be number one on Eileen's thing today because 00:31:19.369 --> 00:31:21.269 I could afford it yesterday. I won't do that 00:31:21.269 --> 00:31:24.849 again. Don't worry. It's not a, I'm not. I was 00:31:24.849 --> 00:31:31.799 impressed. I was like. Nah. She's rich. No. It 00:31:31.799 --> 00:31:34.339 was payday. It was payday. I could afford it. 00:31:34.680 --> 00:31:38.740 I wanted to ask you if it's payday or... Alright, 00:31:38.920 --> 00:31:41.880 next second of the month. Second Friday of the 00:31:41.880 --> 00:31:47.759 month. Yeah. It's like, for now, Ailee's going 00:31:47.759 --> 00:31:51.440 to be thrilled. Let's just do that. But he was 00:31:51.440 --> 00:31:55.859 doing it on purpose, too. So I was like, okay. 00:31:56.599 --> 00:32:00.559 Let me show you real quick how fast I can... 00:32:01.409 --> 00:32:06.150 And I had just recharged, by the way. So she 00:32:06.150 --> 00:32:09.670 just got all my money in like one day. What? 00:32:11.509 --> 00:32:13.529 She didn't say anything. No. I was expecting 00:32:13.529 --> 00:32:15.230 her to write in the chat, but she didn't say 00:32:15.230 --> 00:32:18.049 anything. I don't think she's checked. Yeah, 00:32:18.089 --> 00:32:20.849 I don't think either. Are the coins more expensive? 00:32:21.529 --> 00:32:24.529 How much do you pay? I used to think they were 00:32:24.529 --> 00:32:28.250 way cheaper because I had somehow earned a whole 00:32:28.250 --> 00:32:31.210 bunch of coins from someone. And I'm sorry, this 00:32:31.210 --> 00:32:33.250 is way off topic. I don't know how this happened. 00:32:34.390 --> 00:32:39.670 We're fine. Are we having a little break? I guess, 00:32:39.710 --> 00:32:43.650 kind of. It's the hormones, I'm telling you. 00:32:44.890 --> 00:32:51.730 Is that what it is? You're over here. I guess 00:32:51.730 --> 00:32:55.970 we're rolling. What are the hormones? driving 00:32:55.970 --> 00:32:58.569 them wild you know going through puberty okay 00:32:58.569 --> 00:33:02.490 yeah now i and just like they they feel like 00:33:02.490 --> 00:33:05.569 attacking as a person who is currently going 00:33:05.569 --> 00:33:08.490 through second puberty i can tell you that this 00:33:08.490 --> 00:33:13.849 is a thing yeah yeah but but you see that you're 00:33:13.849 --> 00:33:16.460 not like pouncing We're talking about these little 00:33:16.460 --> 00:33:23.440 baby cubs. That's the only reason. It's different. 00:33:23.759 --> 00:33:28.440 If you rolled me back 20 years, I would be unstoppable. 00:33:30.380 --> 00:33:33.660 Yeah, I would be unstoppable. Because, you know, 00:33:33.759 --> 00:33:39.480 Dahlia now is like, I flirt. I flirt. I flirt. 00:33:39.920 --> 00:33:43.980 I do that. And we share with each other different 00:33:43.980 --> 00:33:50.259 types of stuff. But these kids put me to shame. 00:33:50.799 --> 00:33:54.240 And I was like, and I've lived life. I know how 00:33:54.240 --> 00:33:56.480 to do things that you could never dream about 00:33:56.480 --> 00:34:03.400 doing. Yes, right? Yes. But it's like, how are 00:34:03.400 --> 00:34:05.900 you publicly in a public forum? The internet 00:34:05.900 --> 00:34:09.460 is forever. And you are seeing these things. 00:34:10.700 --> 00:34:14.300 Yeah, I think live chat rooms are not as forever 00:34:14.300 --> 00:34:17.760 as other parts of the internet. They are forever 00:34:17.760 --> 00:34:20.659 because people are recording them. Oh yeah, that's 00:34:20.659 --> 00:34:28.039 true. I've seen it. Some of my buddies were recorded 00:34:28.039 --> 00:34:34.820 in a chat room and posted by another user. There's 00:34:34.820 --> 00:34:38.340 people out there that are taking, they just lurk. 00:34:38.730 --> 00:34:43.710 Taking recordings and posting it. Look, Ruby. 00:34:45.030 --> 00:34:51.550 I don't even know how I got on there. I have 00:34:51.550 --> 00:34:57.250 Maya's secret ASMR snoring video. I never fell 00:34:57.250 --> 00:35:04.469 asleep except for Ruby, you talking to Josh. 00:35:06.079 --> 00:35:08.900 Oh, my God. That does suck. I am sorry. That 00:35:08.900 --> 00:35:10.880 does suck to my brain. I'm sorry that I have 00:35:10.880 --> 00:35:14.420 a silly voice. No, you shouldn't be sorry. I 00:35:14.420 --> 00:35:16.780 was on mute. I was, like, ready for it. Yeah. 00:35:16.900 --> 00:35:20.659 Keep going. Keep going. You were talking. And 00:35:20.659 --> 00:35:24.880 I was, like... Shasha's voice is nice, too, though. 00:35:24.920 --> 00:35:28.659 So, yeah. I can see that. I feel bad because 00:35:28.659 --> 00:35:31.400 when I start speaking for any length of time, 00:35:31.460 --> 00:35:35.579 people just drop off the room. I don't. I stay. 00:35:35.840 --> 00:35:40.820 I'm just there. But you're special. But I love 00:35:40.820 --> 00:35:45.079 strangers. And the first time I heard you speak, 00:35:45.179 --> 00:35:46.960 I don't think it was in Aileen's. I think it 00:35:46.960 --> 00:35:50.820 was in another chat. And I'm like, really? Oh, 00:35:50.860 --> 00:35:52.840 my God. And then I heard you in Aileen's. And 00:35:52.840 --> 00:35:56.559 I got to exchange some. Yes. We spoke a bit. 00:35:56.599 --> 00:35:59.320 And I was like, oh, my God. I want to listen 00:35:59.320 --> 00:36:04.980 to this forever. it was just like so calming 00:36:04.980 --> 00:36:08.679 you know and even because you don't evil like 00:36:08.679 --> 00:36:13.860 uh you don't speed it up it's just like it's 00:36:13.860 --> 00:36:21.699 very consistent consistent it's a very nice caden 00:36:21.699 --> 00:36:26.159 ah it has been very nice it's very melodic for 00:36:26.159 --> 00:36:30.510 sure yes I think it's that. Yeah, well, it took 00:36:30.510 --> 00:36:33.829 me a long time to practice this voice, actually. 00:36:35.110 --> 00:36:40.530 I've spoken once or twice in my unpracticed voice. 00:36:41.369 --> 00:36:43.309 Yeah, you did it once. I was there, but I wasn't 00:36:43.309 --> 00:36:44.650 paying attention. I was doing something else. 00:36:44.989 --> 00:36:46.929 I wasn't paying attention. Do you want to hear 00:36:46.929 --> 00:36:50.949 it? I'm curious. I've never heard one. I'm curious. 00:36:52.130 --> 00:36:55.610 Okay, I will drop it down for you into my normal. 00:36:56.110 --> 00:36:58.489 teacher's voice because i have to be a teacher 00:36:58.489 --> 00:37:02.489 at school and i'm not allowed to be feminine 00:37:02.489 --> 00:37:06.909 so this is my voice this is the voice that i 00:37:06.909 --> 00:37:09.829 originally spoke with but i much prefer this 00:37:09.829 --> 00:37:15.070 voice i know for me it's just not that different 00:37:15.070 --> 00:37:18.429 yeah it's not that different so a lot of people 00:37:18.429 --> 00:37:22.489 think that you it's done with your like uh vocal 00:37:22.489 --> 00:37:27.400 cords but it's done by raising the larynx over 00:37:27.400 --> 00:37:32.179 time yeah yeah so i can go much deeper like this 00:37:32.179 --> 00:37:35.599 yeah and but what i'm actually doing is i'm just 00:37:35.599 --> 00:37:40.619 changing the size of my voice box yeah yeah exactly 00:37:40.619 --> 00:37:45.320 exactly what happens when you go through like 00:37:45.320 --> 00:37:50.099 when you go through puberty um with testosterone 00:37:50.099 --> 00:37:55.340 some of your vocal cords crack And that can't 00:37:55.340 --> 00:37:58.800 be undone. But not all of them crack. The ones 00:37:58.800 --> 00:38:03.860 that are higher up. Yeah. So if my voice had 00:38:03.860 --> 00:38:06.179 never broken, this is the voice I would have 00:38:06.179 --> 00:38:11.480 had. Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. I'm curious 00:38:11.480 --> 00:38:17.119 about something. Does taking medicine, right, 00:38:17.179 --> 00:38:21.039 going for hormone therapy, does that change your 00:38:21.039 --> 00:38:24.150 voice as well? Not estrogen. But testosterone. 00:38:24.530 --> 00:38:30.670 So if you're a trans man, so born female, taking 00:38:30.670 --> 00:38:35.449 testosterone, your vocal cords will crack. And 00:38:35.449 --> 00:38:38.670 once they crack, it can't be undone. Actually, 00:38:38.670 --> 00:38:43.849 most of hormone therapy is reversible. Like if 00:38:43.849 --> 00:38:48.730 I were to stop now, the physical changes would 00:38:48.730 --> 00:38:54.179 be quite minimal still. And as time goes by, 00:38:54.219 --> 00:38:59.119 the things that are not reversible for trans 00:38:59.119 --> 00:39:02.639 men would be starting to grow a beard. Like your 00:39:02.639 --> 00:39:05.780 follicles won't switch off. You'll have to do 00:39:05.780 --> 00:39:11.579 like full hair. Yeah. And I've never had a beard. 00:39:11.760 --> 00:39:15.139 Like I've never had body hair because. Yeah. 00:39:15.900 --> 00:39:18.719 Anyway, that's a time story for another time. 00:39:21.130 --> 00:39:26.230 And then for a trans woman, the thing that you 00:39:26.230 --> 00:39:30.829 cannot undo, there are two things. The first 00:39:30.829 --> 00:39:34.889 one is breast growth. Yeah. And the second one 00:39:34.889 --> 00:39:39.849 is after about six months, there can be potentially 00:39:39.849 --> 00:39:46.010 permanent damage to male fertility. That bothers 00:39:46.010 --> 00:39:54.130 me. Yeah. Cat. It's it's it. I think it's odd. 00:39:54.210 --> 00:39:58.530 I was listening to. To your podcast. Right. The 00:39:58.530 --> 00:40:00.530 first episode. We were talking with the guys. 00:40:00.570 --> 00:40:03.929 About this. And I remember one of the guys said 00:40:03.929 --> 00:40:12.869 like. About. Identifying as. As a woman like. 00:40:13.349 --> 00:40:17.469 Who would actively choose that. Like it's not. 00:40:17.510 --> 00:40:19.530 It's not actually a choice. Like because it's 00:40:19.530 --> 00:40:23.780 like. Looking at how society treats this, that's 00:40:23.780 --> 00:40:29.360 hard. Yes, you don't do this for fun. You do 00:40:29.360 --> 00:40:31.980 this because this is for my mental health. If 00:40:31.980 --> 00:40:37.119 I don't do this, if I have to go back now, I'm 00:40:37.119 --> 00:40:40.159 going to start. I have suicidal ideation just 00:40:40.159 --> 00:40:43.099 thinking about it. I can't. There's no other 00:40:43.099 --> 00:40:50.300 way. Yeah, that's right. I take issue with people 00:40:50.300 --> 00:40:52.900 that just like state their opinions, you know. 00:40:53.519 --> 00:40:56.400 But it's just like a principle maybe or just 00:40:56.400 --> 00:40:58.940 like a concept. No, but you cannot talk about 00:40:58.940 --> 00:41:03.719 people's life like that. Yeah. You cannot just 00:41:03.719 --> 00:41:08.539 like just put it inside the box, right, that 00:41:08.539 --> 00:41:12.699 Nehemiah was talking about and just like say, 00:41:12.780 --> 00:41:16.340 no, this is. non -normal or this is like whatever 00:41:16.340 --> 00:41:19.079 and because it's not affecting your life bro 00:41:19.079 --> 00:41:22.480 and and it's not affecting you in any way to 00:41:22.480 --> 00:41:25.579 make it maybe more more relatable imagine walking 00:41:25.579 --> 00:41:29.420 up to the pope and saying christians don't exist 00:41:29.420 --> 00:41:41.760 they never have it's the same thing I don't understand 00:41:41.760 --> 00:41:44.820 these people and there's always the argument 00:41:44.820 --> 00:41:48.800 but yeah but what if my child bro your child 00:41:48.800 --> 00:41:53.340 goes to school and sees stuff and is still stupid 00:41:53.340 --> 00:41:58.920 your kid seeing like trans women on the street 00:41:58.920 --> 00:42:02.639 is not gonna change him come on Again, like, 00:42:02.760 --> 00:42:05.519 it's not something that anybody chooses to do. 00:42:05.619 --> 00:42:08.179 And I definitely, I don't want you to be trans. 00:42:08.300 --> 00:42:11.320 I don't want other kids or people or anyone to 00:42:11.320 --> 00:42:15.699 be. This is a shitty, this is a shit show. Yeah. 00:42:16.360 --> 00:42:20.699 It's a disaster. Inviting this, like, who wants 00:42:20.699 --> 00:42:22.920 to invite this? Like, even what you said, right? 00:42:22.980 --> 00:42:25.139 Because even with doctors, with some doctors, 00:42:25.239 --> 00:42:29.409 you might feel that. You know, like, why are 00:42:29.409 --> 00:42:32.150 you doing this? And having to deal with all that. 00:42:32.869 --> 00:42:34.710 And then there's the other thing. Who goes searching 00:42:34.710 --> 00:42:38.690 for this? Who goes searching? I'm actively giving. 00:42:38.889 --> 00:42:42.730 I'm lucky, okay? I think you can affirm this, 00:42:42.849 --> 00:42:48.630 but I went through most through my early adulthood 00:42:48.630 --> 00:42:54.369 up to middle adult as a fairly handsome man. 00:42:55.670 --> 00:42:58.920 And I was lucky. And now I'm going to get to 00:42:58.920 --> 00:43:04.179 do it again as a fairly pretty woman. I'm getting 00:43:04.179 --> 00:43:07.940 pretty privilege on both ends, but I'm giving 00:43:07.940 --> 00:43:12.900 up male privilege. And that is, that is a real 00:43:12.900 --> 00:43:18.460 thing. If anybody has ever like from, from the 00:43:18.460 --> 00:43:23.340 moment that I have told some of my male acquaintances 00:43:23.340 --> 00:43:26.539 and friends that i am trans and if they have 00:43:26.539 --> 00:43:29.980 been able to see me as a woman their treatment 00:43:29.980 --> 00:43:37.260 has taken a 180 and now i'm sitting sitting at 00:43:37.260 --> 00:43:41.019 a bar trying to interject my thoughts or conversations 00:43:41.019 --> 00:43:44.159 and suddenly that doesn't matter anymore because 00:43:44.159 --> 00:43:49.340 you're a girl okay fuck you that is one of the 00:43:49.340 --> 00:43:51.559 questions right Yeah, that was one of those questions 00:43:51.559 --> 00:43:53.719 that I had. Like, how do you feel about it now? 00:43:56.360 --> 00:44:01.440 I'm still she, her all the way. That's me. But 00:44:01.440 --> 00:44:07.900 honestly, fuck you. Welcome to Womanhood. Oh 00:44:07.900 --> 00:44:16.059 yeah, the whole quiet little pretty doll. I think 00:44:16.059 --> 00:44:18.480 that is going to be the title of this episode. 00:44:19.150 --> 00:44:23.050 yeah you're now privy to like some real shit 00:44:23.050 --> 00:44:29.690 oh so all the fun all the fun yeah all the fun 00:44:29.690 --> 00:44:33.190 but you know you know there's there's one thing 00:44:33.190 --> 00:44:36.949 like um i was saying like i i love to be all 00:44:36.949 --> 00:44:44.150 the women of my imagination you know and uh reinventing 00:44:44.150 --> 00:44:46.349 myself and i think this is one of the things 00:44:46.349 --> 00:44:48.630 that i love about being a woman the fact that 00:44:48.630 --> 00:44:52.110 i can just like well being a woman in this society 00:44:52.110 --> 00:44:54.750 let's say because i can just like be creative 00:44:54.750 --> 00:44:58.150 with my with my style and paint my nails certain 00:44:58.150 --> 00:45:01.690 colors and use makeup and use you know anything 00:45:01.690 --> 00:45:07.389 and i love all of these versions right and i 00:45:07.389 --> 00:45:12.150 am happy for you to be able to do that That is 00:45:12.150 --> 00:45:16.130 one thing I love about being a woman. And I feel 00:45:16.130 --> 00:45:19.389 like it's like, I bet it's so exciting. It is 00:45:19.389 --> 00:45:22.630 so exciting. You have no idea. Exactly. Yeah. 00:45:23.909 --> 00:45:26.969 I'm glad you get to experience that finally. 00:45:28.130 --> 00:45:31.949 Hi again. Thank you so much for watching to the 00:45:31.949 --> 00:45:35.110 end. I am really sorry about the audio quality 00:45:35.110 --> 00:45:38.469 of this episode. I will remember to project my 00:45:38.469 --> 00:45:41.090 voice properly next time so that I don't have 00:45:41.090 --> 00:45:45.809 to over -process it like today. I cannot tell 00:45:45.809 --> 00:45:49.369 you how long I sat here thinking about where 00:45:49.369 --> 00:45:51.949 this episode should end and what should be left 00:45:51.949 --> 00:45:56.989 in and what was just too personal to keep. But 00:45:56.989 --> 00:46:01.230 I think this is a good spot. I hope you enjoyed 00:46:01.230 --> 00:46:05.199 it. Don't forget to... subscribe, leave your 00:46:05.199 --> 00:46:09.559 comments down below and I'll see you next time.