Hi, welcome to Kaleidoscope, episode 2, part
B. Part A was already pretty deep, and it ended
on the words, I ran out of candles. These words
hint at the deeper struggles of identity and
the fear of facing something unknown. In part
B, we hear Roldia's prompt, and we place our
hearts on the table. Join us to see what happens.
Welcome to Kaleidoscope. That's my answer. I'm
not going to elaborate. I'm joking. I mentioned
the cave earlier and the cave -in. I'm not sure
when... when the cave -in happened or happened
over which cave -in it was, there were multiple
over time. But the thing is, you don't know that
you're in a cave. Or you know that you're in
a cave, but you don't know that there's an outside.
And you have unlimited candles. And as... When
the first cave -in happened... I was so scared
of the shaft of sunlight that I just lit more
candles, enough candles to, just like what Raldia
is kind of doing, to blind out the light. So
many candles because I had unlimited. The thing,
like in my little room where I had this shaft
of light and all my candles. What you don't know
is that the rest of your people around you, they
all have doors in their rooms and they can go
out. So anyway, for me, eventually I ran out
of candles. Those candles were a myriad of things.
Most of them linked to a masculine gender identity.
Like going to an all -boys school, trying to
marry early, thinking or insisting that I want
kids and that I would be a good father, which
I would have been, but I would have been an even
better mother. And thinking that... All of these
things I had to do in order to maintain that.
And eventually, I just ran out of steam. When
you have no candles, you must go into the light.
And that's what happened. That's such a beautiful
metaphor, Obie. It is. It is. I actually thought
when you said, I ran out of candles, it was kind
of like you ran out of patience for people, too.
Nah. It's all internal. I was sexually deviant.
If people talk about body counts, mine is horrendous.
And I lived through Every experience that I had,
my life was vicarious at best. Even with my wife
now. She knows about this. I won't be with her.
I don't like saying this because it sounds like
a cliche. But it's also... It's a true cliche.
It just shouldn't be misconstrued as being in
the wrong body. But I fantasized as myself being
a woman, like changing places. I thought that
was normal for most of my life. That's why it
was a candle. It's just normal. It's normal for
you to... go out and think, oh, what a beautiful
dress. I wish I could wear that. It sounds completely
stupid now, saying that, but that's how I felt.
I would go on a date with someone with a beautiful
dress and I wanted to wear that dress for 35
years of my life. And now finally I'm wearing
a dress. Yeah. But that makes so much sense now.
I think when we are just within ourselves, because
the only experience we know is our experience,
then it's like, oh, you know, this is normal.
Probably everybody thinks this. Yeah, exactly.
Right? Like, nobody thinks anything else. Yeah.
Like, oh my gosh, look at that outfit. It's the
same. Like, journey of people is the same. Yeah.
Yeah, there's this one movie that my friend,
shared with us in this other group chat right
it's called uh but i'm a cheerleader i think
it's called something like that and it's about
this girl who is in a very religious family you
know all american type of girl cheerleader has
a boyfriend has been had that boyfriend he's
a quarterback the most cliche american things
that you can think of that's what she was um
and then but i guess she is discovering that
she likes girls right so her family being a very
you know christian family send her to a camp
um and she's having her first little group therapy
and she's like but everybody thinks that everybody
looks at girls and thinks oh look at her butt
it's so nice but everybody you know everybody
thinks this is as if and that's what that reminded
me it's like because we are all in our own brains
and our own thoughts we all think This is normal.
This is how everybody is. Everybody has these
thoughts. Like, there's nothing wrong with it.
And I think it comes because we want to hide
ourselves so much and fit into those boxes, I
guess, that we do that to ourselves versus trying
to understand what, rather than what I said earlier,
the root of a cause, right? What is the root?
Where is the stomach from? Where is this coming
from? Knowing that it's coming from somewhere.
That's the first step. Like understanding that
there is a root. Thank you. Whatever, however
dark it is. One of my favorite quotes right now
is by Alexander Dumas from The Count of Monte
Cristo. There is no such thing as happiness in
the world, only the comparison of one state with
another. You must have felt what it is to die
to be able to experience supreme happiness. So...
Yeah. We must know the lowest to be able to appreciate
anything. Yeah, the joy that I feel now when
I wake up in the morning and I'm like, oh, it's
another day. I go, whoa, I'm a girl. It's worth
it. Oh, I love that. I love that. I love that.
Yeah, exactly. It just showcases That nothing
should really be taken for granted too, though.
Like, you have worked so hard for this that every
day you should feel that level of appreciation.
Every little barrier, like you were talking about
the doctor, right? Every little thing like that
should be celebrated because it's amazing. All
of it is. And I know I sound very uppity and
positive and all this, but trust me, I have been
in the darkest. darkest points of where anybody
can be. And because I've been there is why I
can appreciate the sunlight on my face. Yeah.
And you just have to keep doing that. Every day.
It's a reminder. Every day. You have to remind
yourself every day. I think it's a choice, you
know. And some people are sad. It's just like
a state. I don't think, it's not a state, it's
a choice. It is. You know, if you acknowledge
that there is, like, there are low points and
high points in your life, right? But they're
not states. They're constantly transforming.
They're going up and down, up and down, up and
down. And it is a choice whether you want to
go through the down, right? Very smoothly. And
it applies as well for the up. Because. Even
for the ups. Too much of a good thing. Can be
a bad thing. You know. That's true. But I want
to say. When I was talking earlier. It sounded
like. Maybe I regret my past. I don't. I don't
think that. That anything that I did was done
in a negative light or caused harm. Yeah. Like,
overtly and anything other than incidental hurt
to anyone, including myself. Right. Everything
was benign and joyful. Like, I did not have a
bad life. I was... I know now that I was depressed,
but it manifested in ways that were mostly positive.
Yeah. You know, I would love to live in a world
where people get to do whatever the hell they
want. If men wake up one day and they want to
go buy that pretty dress and wear it, go for
it. Go ahead. Do whatever. Express yourself.
Express yourself. Know yourself. Like in every
stage of your life. It's literally a background.
It's how we express ourselves. Exactly. Exactly.
If women one day want to dress Like a man, I
don't know, want to do whatever they thought
they could not do because they're just women,
right? Do that. Do that. And I would love for
it to be normal, right? Because it's not affecting
anybody. Like, whatever it takes to affect that,
it's just like, they just want to say something.
They just want to put their opinion on it. And
this definitely needs their opinion, you know?
No, it does not. Of course. Yeah. Oh, go ahead.
No, you wanted to say something, because I'm
about to move on to the next two worlds. Yeah,
I was just going to agree. I was going to say,
wouldn't that be a lovely world? Yeah. Yeah.
Down with the matriarchy, up with the matriarchy,
because that's the world we want to know. Yep.
Yes, yes, yes, 100%. I would not go the other,
like, the other extreme, to be honest. I just
like, you know, maybe in the middle, you know,
it's just like everybody in the middle is happy.
I think there are also a lot of issues, you know,
with how women think and how women present themselves
and stuff like that. I don't feel. On the other
side, is that good? I think there's a lot of
work that needs to be done. That's true. Fanaticism,
I've said it a few times in our chat, purists
are the downfall of. Exactly. You need to accept
the mix. Otherwise, life is doomed. Raldia, prompt
us. Yeah, I'm going to read this because I wrote
it down and I had like... So, I'm sorry, I'm
going to... I'm down half a bottle as well. It's
a good conversation. I'm loving it so far. Yes.
Okay, so my prompt is, my text is, growing up...
My environment lacked consistency emotionally,
in daily activities, and in routines. The few
things I tried to be consistent in were either
dismissed as pointless or met with criticism,
which created a deep anxiety around consistency
itself. As an adult, this anxiety has made me
adaptable and open to new experiences, but it
has also made commitment and routine feel suffocating
like a chore yet i've come to realize that consistency
and structure can provide peace of mind now i
want to explore how i can reshape my emotional
response to consistency so it feels like a source
of stability rather than restriction yeah That
is what I wanted to express today in this podcast
because I think that is the biggest thing that
I'm dealing with right now. I'm at a point in
my life where I would love to be able to have
consistency in my practices, in my hobbies, in
my whatever it is. So this spreads. It's like
a web that is just like everywhere in my life.
this issue with consistency. So, out of consistency,
besides the fact that you feel suffocated by
it, right? What other emotions does it bring
it up? Besides that, have you dived deeper into
it? Yeah, I was expecting that whole question.
So, as you know, as I've shared here, in my childhood,
I did not feel safe to express my emotions. So
there's a lot of frustration that I might not
be good enough. You know, just like I've said,
like it was whatever I was taking interest in
as a child, most likely like children's stuff,
like play or whatever, right? But as I was showing,
As I was paying more attention to it, right,
and not to whatever my parents were saying or
forcing me to do, it was just like, why are you
doing this? This is so stupid. Like, you're wasting
your time. You should be studying this or doing
that or whatever, right? So whatever I was trying
to do, it was not good enough. And even the things
that I was like, okay, it's not my interest,
but I still want to be good at this, whatever
it is that you want me to do. No, it's not good
enough. You're never going to achieve anything
in this life. So a lot of it has also to do with
that frustration and that fear that even if I
start something, I won't be able to finish it.
I won't be good enough compared to other people.
So it will have no value. So yeah, it's frustration,
it's fear, it's shame. Even though nothing exactly
happens, like I can just like quit, right? If
I want to start running, I start running. I discover
I'm bad at it, obviously I'm bad at it. Never
been a runner, right? But it will bring up so
many emotions that are obviously not necessary
for that situation, you know? But it's linked
to that. It's linked to whatever new I'm trying
to do, right? I can do it for some time. It's
interesting for me, right? So that lack of consistency
helped me start new things. But it is an obstacle
when I try to maintain it. Okay. So it's not
necessarily, I think, just consistently. Have
you ever experienced issues with like commitment
or committing to something? I think that's kind
of where it goes into it too. It's like, yeah,
you can start the practice. Like you mentioned,
you could start running, right? You could like
it and you could go through it. That is consistency
in itself, but it's the long term, the distance
that I think that really brings that fear. And
it's probably going back to what you mentioned.
You didn't have that safe space to let your emotions
come out and to really express or try new things.
And I can relate to that 100 % because I was
told to be quiet. I wasn't told to be a little
muñeca, a little doll. Yeah. I wonder, though,
do you think that maybe because... Okay. So,
my question was, and it's related to this, how
were you mocked for trying to create consistency
when you were a girl? It was the lack of patience
and understanding to whatever I took interest
in, and it usually came from my parents. Because
whatever I took interest in, they were not interested.
I get that. You don't have to be interested in
it. But at least support me if you feel like
I have an interest in something. And there was
a lot of like, no matter how hard you're going
to try, you're just not trying hard enough. It's
not enough. It's not enough. You're never going
to achieve this. Like not believing I can do
this, not believing this is something for me.
Like, why would you take interest in this? It's
too good. Right. So whatever I was doing, it
was attaching to my excitement. It was attaching
this like label of, of it's stupid. It's not
worth it. So in the end, what I was understanding
is that I'm not worthy to feel. Oh. to feel excited,
to feel like creative, maybe. So yeah, this is
how it happened, I think. My question was like,
do you think that, but you've already answered
it, maybe the, this idea that you're trying to
create consistency and then somebody goes, oh,
you're not good at it because you want to do,
you should be doing this, like another activity
or something that I told you to do. And they
kind of label that. So you never make it through
the honeymoon phase of something that you want
to do. So you don't become, good at anything
and now you're stuck you're stuck at the end
of the honeymoon phase when that fades you want
to change again yeah that's so sad yeah it has
affected my entire life it has helped me it has
helped me and I do benefits from it because I've
seen that compared to other people I'm way more
flexible I'm way more easy to take on new tasks
new experiences you know and just like have the
courage to you know what let's try this when
it comes to just like for the long run i'm i'm
getting anxiety because i don't think i don't
think i have what it takes to sustain it you
know yeah it's exactly what you described it
it's just like it's like a continuous honey moon
phase and I know that it's so delusional that
I need to do something about it. You know, because
it's only like that high interest, right? Dopamine,
right? Raising that dopamine, like baseline,
right? So when it passes the honeymoon phase,
it's just another thing I'm not good at. Is it
linked to competitiveness? Oh, sorry. It was
linked to competitiveness by my parents because
it was like, that girl can do it. Why can't you?
And it's just like in Romanian culture, it's
just like we are not taught to work together.
In school, we don't make like seeds for projects
and stuff like that. It's always get the first
one, be better than the first one. It's a continuous
race. I was never, never interested in that race.
I was never interested why that colleague was
better or a subject, you know? I felt like it
was inspiring, right? But I never felt like competitive
or anything. I was just like, that's interesting.
But every day when I came home, it was like drilling
and drilling and drilling and comparing and comparing.
And that certainly did something to me because
when I had that, we were talking about that identity
crisis when I turned 30, it all came back. Because
when you lose everything and it's just like from
scratch, you feel like you're rebuilding yourself
from scratch. Like if you know, like Tara, there's
just like that tower movement, right? when everything
comes crashing down and you need to rebuild that
is when I realized okay now I can choose who
I want to be so when I looked around I was like
okay who am I what do I enjoy doing what am I
and they all came back because I somehow I retreated
into my like inner child trying to discover it
and figure out what emotions I had and it all
came all came together from the subconscious
everything because i didn't pay attention to
it for for the longest time or at least i thought
it's not there i was ignoring my parents i did
not speak a lot to my parents i was doing the
contrary of whatever they were saying right but
now apparently yeah it was a programming there
was like Very silent in the subconscious. And
it came forward and like, remember this? Remember
this girl from school? Like, she was better than
you? Yeah. And one thing I want to share, one
experience about this. So, I was one day in the
supermarket trying to buy bread. I was in the
line. trying to pay suddenly out of nowhere i
guess i get this panic attack and i hear my father's
voice something that he told me when i when i
was little um you will never amount to anything
in this life there will never be a place for
you even in the market to sell vegetables or
whatever and i heard it very clearly and i started
shivering like And I realized, some part of me
realized that this is so stupid. I'm folding
like a bread. I'm not in trouble. I'm not in
any danger, right? Like, why am I like panicking?
And I've learned from therapy how to calm down
and really listen. So when I was able to calm
down and listen, I realized that the words were
actually spoken in my boobs. not my dad's and
I think that I held him in my mind I held that
those words with his voice in my mind for so
long I had to call him when I when I got home
and I said I am sorry that probably I was so
resentful and I just remembered like your voice
maybe you were tired from work maybe you didn't
have like I was obviously not an easy child to
deal with right You just said something when
you were angry, but my mind thought, oh, this
sounds cool. Maybe we can use this every time
we want to keep her safe. This is like the perfect
line we can tell her to prevent her to do anything
that is dangerous. Or we perceive as dangerous.
Yeah. I feel like you should apologize to yourself,
not your dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to apologize
also to myself for all the... self -development
work that i did but that was like that moment
when i i first heard that my dad's voice and
then when i calmed down it was actually my voice
that was shocking that was actually shocking
like it is true what they say like you tell you're
your worst enemy it's crazy it is it is we We
put ourselves down more than any other person
could ever. And we don't even realize because
until we do that self work, right? We think it's
external. We think it's other people. Yeah. Like
you were mentioning, because I actually did hear
a line like that from my mom when I was young.
But instead of taking it as my brain didn't take
it as a, this is how we're going to keep her
safe from dangerous things. It was, this is how
I'm going to make her push forward. So my brain
did the opposite. So every time that I need a
little push, a little fire under me to advance
in some way or other, that line replays. That
moment replays in my head. And it's like, nope,
you gotta show her. You see, that's what I'm
lacking. I'm not competitive. Ruby's question
was so good. I'm not competitive. If you say
something like that, it's just like, whoa. It
does not put that fire under my ass and just
make me, oh, I need to show them. For me, it
does that because are you the oldest? I'm the
only child. I got the whole material. There you
go. There you go. That may be it. I'm the second
daughter. The youngest daughter, the second daughter.
I have an older sister. And my sister is six
years older, right? Or five years older. So anything
she did wrong, I got blamed. I was punished.
Not her, me. Because somehow the younger sister
was supposed to keep the older sister in mind.
don't know don't know um but it was a a situation
where it was always being compared to my sister
yeah so in my brain since i was little was you
have to do things different than her you have
to be different you have to do more you cannot
do what she does you cannot live life like she
does so I was ingrained with such a competitive
little gene or a little thing there that you
saw me yesterday. Yeah. You saw it yesterday.
A little bit of it. I was like, no, I'm going
to be number one on Eileen's thing today because
I could afford it yesterday. I won't do that
again. Don't worry. It's not a, I'm not. I was
impressed. I was like. Nah. She's rich. No. It
was payday. It was payday. I could afford it.
I wanted to ask you if it's payday or... Alright,
next second of the month. Second Friday of the
month. Yeah. It's like, for now, Ailee's going
to be thrilled. Let's just do that. But he was
doing it on purpose, too. So I was like, okay.
Let me show you real quick how fast I can...
And I had just recharged, by the way. So she
just got all my money in like one day. What?
She didn't say anything. No. I was expecting
her to write in the chat, but she didn't say
anything. I don't think she's checked. Yeah,
I don't think either. Are the coins more expensive?
How much do you pay? I used to think they were
way cheaper because I had somehow earned a whole
bunch of coins from someone. And I'm sorry, this
is way off topic. I don't know how this happened.
We're fine. Are we having a little break? I guess,
kind of. It's the hormones, I'm telling you.
Is that what it is? You're over here. I guess
we're rolling. What are the hormones? driving
them wild you know going through puberty okay
yeah now i and just like they they feel like
attacking as a person who is currently going
through second puberty i can tell you that this
is a thing yeah yeah but but you see that you're
not like pouncing We're talking about these little
baby cubs. That's the only reason. It's different.
If you rolled me back 20 years, I would be unstoppable.
Yeah, I would be unstoppable. Because, you know,
Dahlia now is like, I flirt. I flirt. I flirt.
I do that. And we share with each other different
types of stuff. But these kids put me to shame.
And I was like, and I've lived life. I know how
to do things that you could never dream about
doing. Yes, right? Yes. But it's like, how are
you publicly in a public forum? The internet
is forever. And you are seeing these things.
Yeah, I think live chat rooms are not as forever
as other parts of the internet. They are forever
because people are recording them. Oh yeah, that's
true. I've seen it. Some of my buddies were recorded
in a chat room and posted by another user. There's
people out there that are taking, they just lurk.
Taking recordings and posting it. Look, Ruby.
I don't even know how I got on there. I have
Maya's secret ASMR snoring video. I never fell
asleep except for Ruby, you talking to Josh.
Oh, my God. That does suck. I am sorry. That
does suck to my brain. I'm sorry that I have
a silly voice. No, you shouldn't be sorry. I
was on mute. I was, like, ready for it. Yeah.
Keep going. Keep going. You were talking. And
I was, like... Shasha's voice is nice, too, though.
So, yeah. I can see that. I feel bad because
when I start speaking for any length of time,
people just drop off the room. I don't. I stay.
I'm just there. But you're special. But I love
strangers. And the first time I heard you speak,
I don't think it was in Aileen's. I think it
was in another chat. And I'm like, really? Oh,
my God. And then I heard you in Aileen's. And
I got to exchange some. Yes. We spoke a bit.
And I was like, oh, my God. I want to listen
to this forever. it was just like so calming
you know and even because you don't evil like
uh you don't speed it up it's just like it's
very consistent consistent it's a very nice caden
ah it has been very nice it's very melodic for
sure yes I think it's that. Yeah, well, it took
me a long time to practice this voice, actually.
I've spoken once or twice in my unpracticed voice.
Yeah, you did it once. I was there, but I wasn't
paying attention. I was doing something else.
I wasn't paying attention. Do you want to hear
it? I'm curious. I've never heard one. I'm curious.
Okay, I will drop it down for you into my normal.
teacher's voice because i have to be a teacher
at school and i'm not allowed to be feminine
so this is my voice this is the voice that i
originally spoke with but i much prefer this
voice i know for me it's just not that different
yeah it's not that different so a lot of people
think that you it's done with your like uh vocal
cords but it's done by raising the larynx over
time yeah yeah so i can go much deeper like this
yeah and but what i'm actually doing is i'm just
changing the size of my voice box yeah yeah exactly
exactly what happens when you go through like
when you go through puberty um with testosterone
some of your vocal cords crack And that can't
be undone. But not all of them crack. The ones
that are higher up. Yeah. So if my voice had
never broken, this is the voice I would have
had. Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. I'm curious
about something. Does taking medicine, right,
going for hormone therapy, does that change your
voice as well? Not estrogen. But testosterone.
So if you're a trans man, so born female, taking
testosterone, your vocal cords will crack. And
once they crack, it can't be undone. Actually,
most of hormone therapy is reversible. Like if
I were to stop now, the physical changes would
be quite minimal still. And as time goes by,
the things that are not reversible for trans
men would be starting to grow a beard. Like your
follicles won't switch off. You'll have to do
like full hair. Yeah. And I've never had a beard.
Like I've never had body hair because. Yeah.
Anyway, that's a time story for another time.
And then for a trans woman, the thing that you
cannot undo, there are two things. The first
one is breast growth. Yeah. And the second one
is after about six months, there can be potentially
permanent damage to male fertility. That bothers
me. Yeah. Cat. It's it's it. I think it's odd.
I was listening to. To your podcast. Right. The
first episode. We were talking with the guys.
About this. And I remember one of the guys said
like. About. Identifying as. As a woman like.
Who would actively choose that. Like it's not.
It's not actually a choice. Like because it's
like. Looking at how society treats this, that's
hard. Yes, you don't do this for fun. You do
this because this is for my mental health. If
I don't do this, if I have to go back now, I'm
going to start. I have suicidal ideation just
thinking about it. I can't. There's no other
way. Yeah, that's right. I take issue with people
that just like state their opinions, you know.
But it's just like a principle maybe or just
like a concept. No, but you cannot talk about
people's life like that. Yeah. You cannot just
like just put it inside the box, right, that
Nehemiah was talking about and just like say,
no, this is. non -normal or this is like whatever
and because it's not affecting your life bro
and and it's not affecting you in any way to
make it maybe more more relatable imagine walking
up to the pope and saying christians don't exist
they never have it's the same thing I don't understand
these people and there's always the argument
but yeah but what if my child bro your child
goes to school and sees stuff and is still stupid
your kid seeing like trans women on the street
is not gonna change him come on Again, like,
it's not something that anybody chooses to do.
And I definitely, I don't want you to be trans.
I don't want other kids or people or anyone to
be. This is a shitty, this is a shit show. Yeah.
It's a disaster. Inviting this, like, who wants
to invite this? Like, even what you said, right?
Because even with doctors, with some doctors,
you might feel that. You know, like, why are
you doing this? And having to deal with all that.
And then there's the other thing. Who goes searching
for this? Who goes searching? I'm actively giving.
I'm lucky, okay? I think you can affirm this,
but I went through most through my early adulthood
up to middle adult as a fairly handsome man.
And I was lucky. And now I'm going to get to
do it again as a fairly pretty woman. I'm getting
pretty privilege on both ends, but I'm giving
up male privilege. And that is, that is a real
thing. If anybody has ever like from, from the
moment that I have told some of my male acquaintances
and friends that i am trans and if they have
been able to see me as a woman their treatment
has taken a 180 and now i'm sitting sitting at
a bar trying to interject my thoughts or conversations
and suddenly that doesn't matter anymore because
you're a girl okay fuck you that is one of the
questions right Yeah, that was one of those questions
that I had. Like, how do you feel about it now?
I'm still she, her all the way. That's me. But
honestly, fuck you. Welcome to Womanhood. Oh
yeah, the whole quiet little pretty doll. I think
that is going to be the title of this episode.
yeah you're now privy to like some real shit
oh so all the fun all the fun yeah all the fun
but you know you know there's there's one thing
like um i was saying like i i love to be all
the women of my imagination you know and uh reinventing
myself and i think this is one of the things
that i love about being a woman the fact that
i can just like well being a woman in this society
let's say because i can just like be creative
with my with my style and paint my nails certain
colors and use makeup and use you know anything
and i love all of these versions right and i
am happy for you to be able to do that That is
one thing I love about being a woman. And I feel
like it's like, I bet it's so exciting. It is
so exciting. You have no idea. Exactly. Yeah.
I'm glad you get to experience that finally.
Hi again. Thank you so much for watching to the
end. I am really sorry about the audio quality
of this episode. I will remember to project my
voice properly next time so that I don't have
to over -process it like today. I cannot tell
you how long I sat here thinking about where
this episode should end and what should be left
in and what was just too personal to keep. But
I think this is a good spot. I hope you enjoyed
it. Don't forget to... subscribe, leave your
comments down below and I'll see you next time.