WEBVTT

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Hi. You know how some conversations don't just

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pass time, but they leave fingerprints? This

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one is like that. In this episode of Kaleidoscope,

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I'm joined by Maya Androldia. Two women who are

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sharp, grounded, and completely unafraid to speak

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from the heart. Let's start off as a casual catch

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up turns into a conversation about what it means

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to believe in something, what it means to belong

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somewhere, and what it means to be yourself,

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even when the world keeps handing you scripts

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that just don't fit. We talk about faith, but

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not the spiritual kind. We talk about family,

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not the ones you're born to, but the ones that

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choose you back. And we talk about freedom, not

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the big abstract idea. but the freedom that lives

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within you, between the breaths you take from

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one moment to the next. It's unpolished, but

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it's alive and it's divided in two. This is part

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A and part B will come soon. So come sit with

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us. You don't need to know anything. Just bring

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yourself. Welcome to Kaleidoscope. Welcome to

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Kaleidoscope, perspectives beyond the surface.

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I'm Ruby Rain Leo. Today, I have two of my brand

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new online friends, Raldia and Maya. Oh, should

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I say Raldia? Raldia. Raldia. And the beautiful

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Maya and the beautiful Raldia. Today we are going

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to talk about how we perceive and experience

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life and ask each other questions about that

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and just see where that goes. So thanks for joining

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us. Thanks for having us, Ruby. This is so nice.

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Thank you. Do you guys want to introduce yourself?

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Yeah. My name is Raldia. I live in Bucharest,

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Romania. I work for an IT company. I have a boring

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office job. Although my office is my balcony

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and I get to spend time with my babies. The best

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office. Yeah. Some of the things I enjoy doing

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is being out in nature, reading. listening to

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music, talk about life with my friends, and just

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experience myself in different stages of my life

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and enjoying myself. Amazing. Thanks, Travia.

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Thank you, Valdia. Okay, so I'm Maya. I'm American,

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but I'm a Latina first. I will always claim that

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first. I'm in Texas, so that's where I am in

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the global. fan of things, right? I guess I'll

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do a similar intro to you, Valdira. I'm a project

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manager, so very detail -oriented, kind of always

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on task. Hard to get away from that, by the way.

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Very, very hard. And we'll talk a little more

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about that as I'm talking about my prompt. But

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when it comes to me, who am I? I'm somebody who

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is naturally an introvert. I like to spend my

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me time In solitude. If I was in your room, I

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would just live with those plants. Like I would

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never leave that room. Like that's where I would

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be. Yeah. They're beautiful. I love nature. I

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love photography. I love poetry. I love reading.

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I love the smell of books. So I like to go to

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bookstores and just walk around aisle by aisle.

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I know what you mean. I used to work in a bookstore.

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That was my first job. Yep. Yep. But that smell

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just does something to my brain. You know, books.

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Yeah. Yeah. So it smells so good. It's the same

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thing with coffee. I love coffee. And I think

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for being a Latina, I have a very different perspective

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than a lot of people, just because I have done

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a lot of inner work in comparison to other people

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that are my age and with my background. But hi,

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thank you for having me. Thank you for being

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here. I've never done that for the podcast, so

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I will do it too. I am Ruby Ray Liu. I am a teacher

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in Suzhou, China, and I am originally from South

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Africa. I've been living in China for 10 years

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in October. That will be 10 years. And if you

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want to know more, listen to more podcasts. I

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have set up this random wheel spinner thing.

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I've just taken our missing compatriot out and

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I'm gonna spin this and we'll see who gets to

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go first with their prompt. Okay, sounds good.

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It is Maya. How did I know that? The last one

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to send it in, right? And the first one to go.

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Okay, so my prompt was very spontaneous. Let

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me tell you. I didn't want to give it too much

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thought because I wanted it to be fresh on my

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mind today. So all of my life, I felt that I

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had to fit in a box, whether that was as a kid,

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as an adult, right? Whether it was because I

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was a Latina or a woman or whatever box people

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put me in. As I grew up, I kind of started feeling

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this resentment towards it, almost like hatred

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towards that box, right? And where I was placed.

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And so I began in my journey, probably after

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I turned 27, I think, I began to slowly like

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rip away at it. And it was little by little ripping,

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ripping, ripping until I was finally free from

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it. So now in my thirties, I actually feel more

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like myself. I feel free to be whoever. and whatever

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I want to be. And it's amazing. Yeah. Beautiful

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to hear. Really, really beautiful. Thank you.

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That speaks really deeply to me and my process

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and experience of life right now. But we'll wait

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for that. Valdia, do you want to ask first or

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should I go? Well, you can go, I can, I can.

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You mentioned that at like 24 or, sorry, 27,

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you started opening this box. How has your identity

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changed in that process and how do you feel now

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that you're outside of it? It reminds me of that

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movie, like, was it 30, 30 and... Yeah, yeah,

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30 or 30, yeah, yeah. So for me, it just turned

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into, I got to a point that I didn't really recognize

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myself and be it that we all grow, right? We

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all grow and there's different versions of ourselves

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in different point of our lives. But as I approached

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30, it was like, is this really who I am at my

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core? are the things around me, the people around

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me, really making me happy, right? That Marie

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Kondo documentary came out around that time too.

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And it was like, does this spark joy? Does this

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bring you happiness? So it kind of put a lot

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of things in perspective because as a young child,

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young adult, I read a lot and I wrote a lot and

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I spent a lot of time reflecting. And I found

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that in my 20s I was so busy just being whoever

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people wanted me to be that I was no longer holding

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those values like as something that really mattered.

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I was no longer really reading. I was no longer

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because the books that I was reading were books

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that my then partner wanted me to read. Like

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we should read this book together. And I was

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having an identity crisis. It was like But these

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are not the things I want to read. These are

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not the things I want to do. I was also part

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of organized religion, like huge. I was part

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of all the little meetings and this and that

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at a local church. And it was like, are these

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people making me happy? Are they allowing me

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to grow? And I found that it wasn't. If anything,

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they were trying to fit me into this salt box

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of what my faith should be, of who I should be.

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It's like, oh. you're a woman follow your husband

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oh you're this do this oh you cannot lead you

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cannot do this you have to do this um and as

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i started as you called it opening the box i

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call it ripping it because it was literally that

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for me it was getting away from people it was

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leaving that organized religion it was seeking

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my own truths that i just ripped and ripped and

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ripped until we're at the point where I am now

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and it's like I decide where what I want to do

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I decide what I want to read I decide who I want

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to be today and if tomorrow I want to be a different

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person then damn it I'll be a different person

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like it doesn't matter because I get to make

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that choice no one else is making that choice

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for me as a child especially a Latina it's a

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saying it's called Right? And you know what that

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means? If you're quiet, you look prettier. If

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you're a quiet little girl, you look prettier.

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So it's that submissive mindset of just being,

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just sit there and look pretty. You're just a

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doll. They used to call me a mñeka when I was

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little. I was just a doll. I would just sit next

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to my mom in my frilly little dress and not say

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a word. And inside, in my mind, I had so many

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thoughts about everything. Wow. So. Are you still

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are you still religious today? Like not completely?

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No, I am. I'm what you would consider agnostic.

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OK, I believe, you know, in a higher power, but

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not in the one that is manmade. Fair enough.

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Yeah, so I've also become... I'm now an atheist.

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You could call me agnostic because I hope there

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is a power, but I can't say that I believe in

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one. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I have so many things

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to say, but will that really ask me? What I want

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to ask you, Maya... is what were some of the

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tools that you found effective to move away,

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step away from that and allow yourself to be

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the person that you are today? I think getting

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back into reading and writing because that's

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how I explored myself when I was young, right?

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And that's how I processed all of my emotions.

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So getting back into that. I think helped a lot.

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I don't think it was the only thing because I

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also started listening to podcasts. I started

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talking to people from different areas, different

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walks of life. Like I've never been opposed to

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talk to people from different religions or anything

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like that. Tell me, teach me. I want to learn.

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So I became, I guess a student again of everything.

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I wanted to relearn everything. They found this

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hunger for the new life. Yep, and that I'm still

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there. I'm just obviously right I came on this

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app and wanted to make international friends

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and was like I need to know more I need to know

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what's out there I need to explore and like it's

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been this very free moment of There is more to

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the life that I have right now. I am still young

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enough to choose and make those choices and so

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on and so on and so on like Yeah. That's where

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I'm at now. I'm so glad to meet the person that

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you are today. I'm sure like you were an amazing

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person before, but well, but I'm just like very

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excited for you to be honest. Very excited for

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you to discover yourself, right? Yeah. And I

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relate to that. I do relate to that. that's one

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of the things that I tell everybody because they're

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like oh you're in your 30s and this and that

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and I'm like you don't understand my 30s have

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been my best years like the best years for me

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because I'm you me I'm not some little mold that

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people want to use for this or that like it's

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just me and yeah it's it's freeing I feel free

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do you know that song by Nelly Portal Like a

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bird. Like a bird. I don't really know what I'm

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hating. Yep, yep, that song. It's literally like,

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if you could put a theme song to write down,

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I feel like a bird. Like, I can go anywhere.

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I can be anything. There's nothing really tying

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me. I love my family, adore my family, right?

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And we'll always have that tied to them. But

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at the end of the day, they don't make me who

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I am. And I don't make them who they are. Wow

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And That's like I am having family issues right

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now, right and I adore my family I grew up in

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a super loving family and I wish that they would

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understand what you just said like You in you

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invite family into your life It's not the other

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way around. You're not obligated to have it in

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there. Yep. And normally that would be expected,

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but sometimes sometimes having them around hurts

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more because they are just not I they don't appreciate

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who you are. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. Yeah. And

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I'm there with you. There have been moments in

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my life in this journey. that I had to cut finally

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off. Like I didn't speak to my mother or my sister

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at different points in life for three, six months.

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It varied. But it had to happen because I needed

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them to understand that I will always be myself.

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And it's either love me for truly who I am and

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whatever version it is that I am. Or I will remove

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you from my life not because I don't love you.

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It's because I love you so much. that if you

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feel that you have to put me in this box, then

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I can't be there. I will still be wishing you

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the best and will still be loving you from afar.

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The love will never end. It's just simply, if

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that's what you need, I will give it to you.

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Yeah. Also, another bird allegory. If you love

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it, set it free. Yeah, yeah. I should probably

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go get a tattoo of a bird at this point. You

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called it tearing away at a box for me. Mine

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was a cave. And I was stuck in that cave until

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one day. One day there was a cave in. And light

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lanced through and pierced me in my eyeballs

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and I was so terrified that I crawled deeper

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into the cave. And it took... Decades before

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I realized that I'm going the wrong way Yep,

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and I completely understand that that point of

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view too That was me at 25 because you don't

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you don't always know that you're in this box

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or in this cave or How do you know how do you

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know that you're stuck if you've always been

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stuck? Yeah This reminds me of Plato's allegory.

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Is it Plato? I think it is. Oh gosh, I'm terrible

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with philosophers. So there's this allegory like

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people that are in the cave can see the shadows

00:17:58.599 --> 00:18:03.079
on the on the walls, right? Cast from from the

00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:06.759
fire and things moving and they have no idea

00:18:06.759 --> 00:18:09.039
what's going on inside that there's a lot outside.

00:18:09.079 --> 00:18:12.509
So whoever goes outside then comes back. to share

00:18:12.509 --> 00:18:14.569
this experience, they're going to think it's

00:18:14.569 --> 00:18:20.750
crazy. You know, so until you don't make that

00:18:20.750 --> 00:18:23.430
step to go outside and experience and get out

00:18:23.430 --> 00:18:28.170
of your comfort zone and be part of this universe,

00:18:28.250 --> 00:18:31.490
of this experience where we are all going through,

00:18:32.130 --> 00:18:35.730
you're just going to look at shadows on the wall.

00:18:35.970 --> 00:18:40.089
I think that is life and that is how life should

00:18:40.089 --> 00:18:43.549
be. lift, you know, because you have people around

00:18:43.549 --> 00:18:45.910
you telling you the same thing, seeing the same

00:18:45.910 --> 00:18:52.430
thing. Right. And I think that is also why we

00:18:52.430 --> 00:18:56.170
need community and we need to once we've made

00:18:56.170 --> 00:19:00.390
a decision that, OK, I need to I need to move

00:19:00.390 --> 00:19:02.769
on with my life and be whoever I need to be,

00:19:02.970 --> 00:19:06.390
whoever I feel that I am to find people that

00:19:06.390 --> 00:19:09.759
are either. in this process as well with us and

00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:12.220
also people that have went through this process.

00:19:13.640 --> 00:19:18.039
In order to support you and support your growth.

00:19:20.039 --> 00:19:23.559
Yeah, or even just people that they don't...

00:19:23.559 --> 00:19:25.279
Somebody doesn't have to know what you're going

00:19:25.279 --> 00:19:28.779
through to be able to say, I can see you're going

00:19:28.779 --> 00:19:32.880
through something and I'll be the safe space.

00:19:33.319 --> 00:19:39.349
You can come here and feel safe. Yep. Yeah, and

00:19:39.349 --> 00:19:42.190
I don't know. I'll go ahead. It's rare to find

00:19:42.190 --> 00:19:45.150
people like that. At least it has been rare for

00:19:45.150 --> 00:19:49.549
me. Like finding people with high emotional intelligence,

00:19:50.150 --> 00:19:55.829
right? Yeah, and I wish I could meet more people

00:19:55.829 --> 00:19:58.750
like this. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna fix my mic

00:19:58.750 --> 00:20:06.259
because I'm being attacked. If anything, it went

00:20:06.259 --> 00:20:09.380
on with the, you know, light piercing your eyeball.

00:20:09.539 --> 00:20:14.119
Yeah, right? It went with that. Yeah, but you

00:20:14.119 --> 00:20:18.940
made me think of yet another bird allegory. It's

00:20:18.940 --> 00:20:21.599
the, well, analogy, technically, it's the birds

00:20:21.599 --> 00:20:25.259
of a feather flock together or in Spanish, you

00:20:25.259 --> 00:20:30.460
know, tell me who your friends are. And I've

00:20:30.460 --> 00:20:32.599
been hearing that like all my life. My mom is

00:20:32.599 --> 00:20:36.720
the one that taught me that. But it's so true.

00:20:37.079 --> 00:20:40.500
If you want to change your perspective and change

00:20:40.500 --> 00:20:43.559
who you are and open that box or get out of that

00:20:43.559 --> 00:20:47.059
cave or rip the box or whatever it may be, you

00:20:47.059 --> 00:20:49.759
have to change the people that you surround yourself

00:20:49.759 --> 00:20:54.000
with. Somehow, some way. And I've always considered

00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:57.059
that it's better to have like one, two, three

00:20:57.059 --> 00:21:01.319
friends that truly know you, accept you. And

00:21:01.319 --> 00:21:03.740
even if they're not in the same walk of life,

00:21:03.900 --> 00:21:07.200
As you. They can at least open their arms and

00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:11.940
say, talk to me. I am here. So can you change

00:21:11.940 --> 00:21:19.900
your feathers? Yes. Yes, you can. Did you know

00:21:19.900 --> 00:21:22.779
that a crow changes their feathers? The colors

00:21:22.779 --> 00:21:25.720
of their feathers look the darkest, but if you

00:21:25.720 --> 00:21:28.940
shine light on them, you'll see turquoise and

00:21:28.940 --> 00:21:33.460
different jewel tones. Yeah, we can all be changed.

00:21:34.319 --> 00:21:41.460
Why I I Don't know if I agree or disagree with

00:21:41.460 --> 00:21:48.700
the on this one like changing I I have Let's

00:21:48.700 --> 00:21:51.259
say an issue with with opposites in general and

00:21:51.259 --> 00:21:54.559
I like to place myself in the middle usually

00:21:54.559 --> 00:22:02.359
The thing about about change I'm questioning

00:22:02.359 --> 00:22:06.380
whether It's actually a change, or it's just

00:22:06.380 --> 00:22:09.680
another part of us we discovered. Because we

00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:12.779
can't just look back and say, that wasn't me.

00:22:13.180 --> 00:22:16.019
Because it's part of your experience. And for

00:22:16.019 --> 00:22:19.000
me, it's hard to call it like I'm a different

00:22:19.000 --> 00:22:26.259
person now. And I agree with you on that. I agree

00:22:26.259 --> 00:22:30.559
with you too. What I think changes is the perception

00:22:30.559 --> 00:22:34.809
that people have about us. So in reality, you

00:22:34.809 --> 00:22:41.470
become a different person. But in ours, the crow

00:22:41.470 --> 00:22:44.549
is still the same crow that we've shone a light

00:22:44.549 --> 00:22:48.789
on it. We just unlocked another level. Yeah.

00:22:49.390 --> 00:22:53.809
Or think of like a baby bird, right? They have

00:22:53.809 --> 00:22:57.789
the fluffy little feathers. They're fluffy. Those

00:22:57.789 --> 00:23:00.670
have to fall off for the other feathers to come

00:23:00.670 --> 00:23:05.130
out. They never change per se. It's just part

00:23:05.130 --> 00:23:08.269
of life. It has to happen. However, you will

00:23:08.269 --> 00:23:11.549
have birds that never release all of those baby

00:23:11.549 --> 00:23:14.130
feathers. And I think that's where some people

00:23:14.130 --> 00:23:19.329
stay at. Some people hold on and maybe don't

00:23:19.329 --> 00:23:22.150
want to adapt or don't want to allow that change

00:23:22.150 --> 00:23:26.910
to occur. So they hold on so tightly. They're

00:23:26.910 --> 00:23:32.470
just sitting in the comfort zone. And I think

00:23:32.470 --> 00:23:37.109
for me, luckily, now I have thrived in the uncomfortable

00:23:37.109 --> 00:23:41.769
zones that I no longer fear it, no longer dismiss

00:23:41.769 --> 00:23:45.650
it. It's just simply, okay, that's difference.

00:23:46.609 --> 00:23:52.650
Let's see what that brings. I have a bird -soaring

00:23:52.650 --> 00:23:58.809
story and out of the comfort zone at the same

00:23:58.809 --> 00:24:02.059
time. thing to share that happened to me today.

00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:10.079
I never, I try not to talk about this, especially

00:24:10.079 --> 00:24:12.980
in the group, not too much, because I am worried

00:24:12.980 --> 00:24:16.900
and I know that it's true that a lot of trans

00:24:16.900 --> 00:24:20.039
girls can be, they can come across as cringe

00:24:20.039 --> 00:24:21.380
about it because they want to speak about it

00:24:21.380 --> 00:24:24.759
so often, but it's because it's so exciting.

00:24:25.279 --> 00:24:29.079
It's like the biggest thing. that you can experience.

00:24:30.940 --> 00:24:35.140
And today, I never thought that I would be able

00:24:35.140 --> 00:24:39.420
to get the treatment that I want and need in

00:24:39.420 --> 00:24:45.279
China. And it's been unbelievably easy. Actually,

00:24:45.539 --> 00:24:49.700
it's been so easy just to once I got over my

00:24:49.700 --> 00:24:53.180
initial anxiety to go and see the doctors and

00:24:53.180 --> 00:24:55.500
get the prescriptions that I need. And I'm in

00:24:55.500 --> 00:25:00.369
this huge Like weird sound with my school, but

00:25:00.369 --> 00:25:03.109
it doesn't matter because they can't do anything

00:25:03.109 --> 00:25:07.069
anyway today I went to the hospital to refill

00:25:07.069 --> 00:25:15.170
my prescription and do blood tests So It's not

00:25:15.170 --> 00:25:18.369
every doctor there's only one transpositive job

00:25:18.369 --> 00:25:24.349
doctor in Suzhou and That's where I got my prescription

00:25:24.349 --> 00:25:28.180
and they are far away So I went to see another

00:25:28.180 --> 00:25:31.099
doctor today. I asked for the the test. She said

00:25:31.099 --> 00:25:34.619
that's all good and She asked me what else do

00:25:34.619 --> 00:25:37.920
I what else she needs to do for me? And I said,

00:25:37.980 --> 00:25:41.079
can you give me medicine and she said sure what

00:25:41.079 --> 00:25:44.220
medicine? So I took out my prescription from

00:25:44.220 --> 00:25:48.039
the other doctor that basically says oh He's

00:25:48.039 --> 00:25:54.779
a trans person and She said great I will I'll

00:25:54.779 --> 00:25:57.759
give you this meds And she tried to do the prescription,

00:25:57.920 --> 00:26:00.220
but the hospital blocked it because my marker

00:26:00.220 --> 00:26:04.980
is male. And she said, oh, I can't give you them.

00:26:05.420 --> 00:26:07.960
You know what? Let me just change your marker

00:26:07.960 --> 00:26:10.519
to female. And then she did it at the hospital

00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:12.180
and she still couldn't give me the prescription.

00:26:12.299 --> 00:26:15.519
She wrote me a letter and send me to admin. And

00:26:15.519 --> 00:26:18.240
she was like, you tell them to change this. And

00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:24.089
they did. Yeah, that was like nothing. Like to

00:26:24.089 --> 00:26:28.349
not go through so many channels and have to,

00:26:28.349 --> 00:26:32.150
you know, have all the uncomfortable conversations

00:26:32.150 --> 00:26:34.369
and stuff like that. That's amazing. I'm happy

00:26:34.369 --> 00:26:36.890
for you. Thank you. Yeah. And we're so happy.

00:26:39.170 --> 00:26:43.789
I'm still getting about it. I'm happy for you.

00:26:43.910 --> 00:26:48.130
I love how that breaking those barriers, right?

00:26:48.309 --> 00:26:51.299
Little by little. Exactly, and just there's so

00:26:51.299 --> 00:26:53.940
much anxiety coming from from the states right

00:26:53.940 --> 00:26:59.539
now with Donald Trump's insane vendetta and It's

00:26:59.539 --> 00:27:01.960
so nice to see that, you know, it's not everywhere

00:27:01.960 --> 00:27:04.240
that's like that and you kind of get inundated

00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:07.220
with it I think it's it's it's sad. You know

00:27:07.220 --> 00:27:10.660
what's happening at a global scale because it's

00:27:10.660 --> 00:27:13.099
just like it's all a political game at the end

00:27:13.099 --> 00:27:18.140
for them and for For the people, it's their lives.

00:27:18.500 --> 00:27:23.180
It's the quality of their lives. And yeah, it's

00:27:23.180 --> 00:27:27.079
pretty sad what's happening. Yeah. I mean, just

00:27:27.079 --> 00:27:29.220
to tell you a little bit about Texas, right?

00:27:29.680 --> 00:27:32.019
So Texas is known as one of the most conservative

00:27:32.019 --> 00:27:37.380
states. Texas acts like its own country. And

00:27:37.380 --> 00:27:40.200
it will, for example, if the Republicans within

00:27:40.200 --> 00:27:42.680
the country want to test out a theory, want to

00:27:42.680 --> 00:27:44.559
test out something and see how people will take

00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:50.569
it. They tested in Texas. And that's where I

00:27:50.569 --> 00:27:53.970
live. So for example, the anti -abortion laws

00:27:53.970 --> 00:27:57.490
and everything are crazy here. I have a blood

00:27:57.490 --> 00:28:01.210
disorder, so I could bleed out if I were to become

00:28:01.210 --> 00:28:05.670
pregnant. And I were to miscarry for whatever

00:28:05.670 --> 00:28:08.970
reason, because obviously I have that blood disorder.

00:28:09.250 --> 00:28:11.549
Any pregnancy that I have would be a high -risk

00:28:11.549 --> 00:28:17.240
pregnancy. That's just what it is. so it literally

00:28:17.240 --> 00:28:21.599
they would just watch me die and they would not

00:28:21.599 --> 00:28:26.160
do anything they have there's been I think eight

00:28:26.160 --> 00:28:30.779
here in Texas alone now we're talking about women

00:28:30.779 --> 00:28:33.500
that were already mothers women that were 18

00:28:33.500 --> 00:28:36.299
years old like barely starting life like we're

00:28:36.299 --> 00:28:40.380
talking it's it's just ah beyond me like I would

00:28:40.380 --> 00:28:45.000
consider leaving Texas To move to Colorado and

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.640
I may I may still make that happen And I've already

00:28:49.640 --> 00:28:52.220
told my family and they were a little bothered

00:28:52.220 --> 00:28:55.160
by it and I said Here's always airplanes. You

00:28:55.160 --> 00:28:57.119
can fly to see me. You could drive to see me.

00:28:57.599 --> 00:29:00.259
I Can drive to see you you can you know, I can

00:29:00.259 --> 00:29:05.519
fly Because like I said nothing really ties me

00:29:05.519 --> 00:29:10.240
down I have to put myself first absolutely when

00:29:10.240 --> 00:29:15.329
it comes to that That is one of the topics that

00:29:15.329 --> 00:29:20.670
really pisses me off. It really makes me angry

00:29:20.670 --> 00:29:25.009
when people get to decide what happens to your

00:29:25.009 --> 00:29:33.750
body. I have a very, very big issue with that.

00:29:34.529 --> 00:29:41.470
Like telling women you cannot get help. with

00:29:41.470 --> 00:29:44.970
this and they just like watch you die rather

00:29:44.970 --> 00:29:49.430
than it's not even just you can't get help it's

00:29:49.430 --> 00:29:51.890
you have to go through with this process that

00:29:51.890 --> 00:29:54.849
maybe you didn't opt into and you don't have

00:29:54.849 --> 00:29:58.089
control over your own body you just we don't

00:29:58.089 --> 00:30:01.470
care about you that's what it is they don't care

00:30:01.470 --> 00:30:05.809
and i mean these are these are men coming up

00:30:05.809 --> 00:30:08.990
with these laws and it's crazy to me it's like

00:30:08.990 --> 00:30:11.549
do you not care about your children your daughters,

00:30:11.869 --> 00:30:16.470
your sisters, your mothers. I mean, they could

00:30:16.470 --> 00:30:19.210
all be in this position. They could all find

00:30:19.210 --> 00:30:22.690
themselves one day, right there, along with the

00:30:22.690 --> 00:30:26.890
others. Do you not care? Or let me guess, because

00:30:26.890 --> 00:30:29.269
you're a politician and you have the funds, you're

00:30:29.269 --> 00:30:31.170
going to fly them to Delaware to do it, huh?

00:30:31.390 --> 00:30:33.990
You're going to just... But then it doesn't apply

00:30:33.990 --> 00:30:38.049
to you. Mm -hmm. Yeah. And it's a matter of time.

00:30:38.049 --> 00:30:40.420
I'm sure it's already happened. It must have

00:30:40.420 --> 00:30:43.579
already happened to some lord. Of course. Of

00:30:43.579 --> 00:30:48.200
course. I mean, Trump himself, uh, he... What

00:30:48.200 --> 00:30:50.779
does it say? He paid like $200 ,000 for one of

00:30:50.779 --> 00:30:54.079
his mistresses to have an abortion, like... Do

00:30:54.079 --> 00:30:56.960
you think he cares about... No way. It doesn't...

00:30:56.960 --> 00:31:01.700
A fetus? No. The only issue he cares about is...

00:31:01.700 --> 00:31:05.960
Is the... The new technogarchy. That's what it

00:31:05.960 --> 00:31:09.569
is. And the fact that they only use this because

00:31:09.569 --> 00:31:12.650
obviously the Democrats, right, are taking the

00:31:12.650 --> 00:31:15.690
other way, right? He needs to oppose this. I

00:31:15.690 --> 00:31:19.009
think, I think it's just like this whole political,

00:31:19.069 --> 00:31:22.210
political, sorry, English is not my first language,

00:31:22.450 --> 00:31:26.650
am I? You're fine, you're fine. I mean, I'm able

00:31:26.650 --> 00:31:28.769
to pronounce some words, but yeah. There's this

00:31:28.769 --> 00:31:33.569
political game that, it's just a circus and it's

00:31:33.569 --> 00:31:37.890
a circus happened before. And that's another

00:31:37.890 --> 00:31:41.769
reason I get angry usually. It's just like people

00:31:41.769 --> 00:31:45.089
not reading. I mean, you cannot say in 2025 that

00:31:45.089 --> 00:31:47.990
they're lying to you through the CV, right, with

00:31:47.990 --> 00:31:50.910
the news. I mean, you have access to books now,

00:31:50.990 --> 00:31:53.250
you have access to information. Like if it's

00:31:53.250 --> 00:31:56.829
not your anniversary, these things have happened

00:31:56.829 --> 00:32:00.750
before. And some of them in the exact same order.

00:32:03.259 --> 00:32:06.039
Yeah, no, it's it's one of the reasons why I've

00:32:06.039 --> 00:32:09.839
chose not to watch the news lately Now like I'm

00:32:09.839 --> 00:32:13.180
completely ignorant, but but still I just I can't

00:32:13.180 --> 00:32:17.700
I can't I just cannot watch it go down Yeah Just

00:32:17.700 --> 00:32:21.099
a super me. Oh Go ahead. No, no, you go first.

00:32:21.380 --> 00:32:24.420
I was gonna say that's why I've stayed away Sorry

00:32:24.420 --> 00:32:28.279
stayed away from tick -tock mainly recently because

00:32:28.279 --> 00:32:35.130
my Algorithm it's filled with political propaganda

00:32:35.130 --> 00:32:38.509
on one side or the other, which is crazy to me

00:32:38.509 --> 00:32:41.349
because I was never on the red side. So why is

00:32:41.349 --> 00:32:44.710
that showing up now? The algorithm is so messed

00:32:44.710 --> 00:32:48.069
up and it just spends all day just torturing

00:32:48.069 --> 00:32:52.529
me if I go there for too long. So I just stay

00:32:52.529 --> 00:32:54.490
away, go in there maybe a couple minutes at a

00:32:54.490 --> 00:32:57.509
time. And that's about it. I learned what's going

00:32:57.509 --> 00:33:00.970
on from my best friend because he likes to give

00:33:00.970 --> 00:33:07.049
himself anxiety um yeah so my my best friend

00:33:07.049 --> 00:33:10.250
you know is is gay and he's over here considering

00:33:10.250 --> 00:33:12.809
moving to germany because it's brothers in germany

00:33:12.809 --> 00:33:16.890
because of everything that's going on but he

00:33:16.890 --> 00:33:20.609
likes to torture me and himself by sending me

00:33:20.609 --> 00:33:22.849
anything that he feels that i should know and

00:33:22.849 --> 00:33:25.269
i was like i didn't want to see it on my own

00:33:25.269 --> 00:33:29.069
why are you sending it to me you need to see

00:33:29.069 --> 00:33:33.890
the world going down like He doesn't want to

00:33:33.890 --> 00:33:37.609
grab that pop card. His answer is like, if I

00:33:37.609 --> 00:33:41.269
have to see it, you have to see it with me. Exactly.

00:33:42.230 --> 00:33:46.789
My TikTok algorithm is wonderful. And I'm sorry,

00:33:46.950 --> 00:33:51.210
I just, it's okay. It's okay. She's making too

00:33:51.210 --> 00:33:54.990
much noise. My TikTok algorithm is wonderful.

00:33:55.210 --> 00:33:57.769
I get the most affirming stuff on there all the

00:33:57.769 --> 00:34:04.099
time. My IG is full of cats, full of cats, and

00:34:04.099 --> 00:34:06.119
that has helped me through the pandemic. Like

00:34:06.119 --> 00:34:12.579
you have no idea. My IG is a little crazy. I

00:34:12.579 --> 00:34:16.780
think it's the American social media algorithms

00:34:16.780 --> 00:34:19.760
that are really messed up. Because one second

00:34:19.760 --> 00:34:21.519
I'll be watching a dancing video. It's like an

00:34:21.519 --> 00:34:24.980
old couple dancing salsa. And I'm like, oh, that's

00:34:24.980 --> 00:34:28.059
so cute. Look at that old couple. that's adorable

00:34:28.059 --> 00:34:33.179
next thing you know it's like some fascist video

00:34:33.179 --> 00:34:38.099
about some guy talking just a bunch of crap just

00:34:38.099 --> 00:34:41.940
a bunch of crap and i was like why i have never

00:34:41.940 --> 00:34:44.800
seen these videos before like why are you doing

00:34:44.800 --> 00:34:47.300
this to me yeah it looks like you're in fashion

00:34:47.300 --> 00:34:55.159
week keep going keep going so you're on mute

00:34:55.759 --> 00:35:01.599
Oh yeah, she's muted. I'm sorry, I forgot I muted

00:35:01.599 --> 00:35:03.360
myself because it makes some noise and I didn't

00:35:03.360 --> 00:35:06.820
want to interrupt Maya. But yeah, it's just like,

00:35:06.920 --> 00:35:10.159
it's a struggle. It's a struggle, people. But

00:35:10.159 --> 00:35:14.219
we got this. If anything, it just looks like

00:35:14.219 --> 00:35:16.659
you're in a pool. It's like a reflection. Yeah,

00:35:17.539 --> 00:35:20.119
you're really cool. I'll be in charge of the

00:35:20.119 --> 00:35:27.809
visual effects. So, do we have any more questions

00:35:27.809 --> 00:35:40.190
for Maya? Are you looking to reestablish your

00:35:40.190 --> 00:35:48.110
relationship with the Divine? Coming from...

00:35:48.110 --> 00:35:52.230
I forgot what was the name you gave it, sorry.

00:35:52.650 --> 00:35:58.590
Well religious Oh agnostic. Yeah Yeah, I'm always

00:35:58.590 --> 00:36:02.449
interested in learning more So definitely reading

00:36:02.449 --> 00:36:04.329
more into it Like I said, I believe that there

00:36:04.329 --> 00:36:06.750
is a higher power whether that's the universe

00:36:06.750 --> 00:36:14.530
or some deity of sorts I don't know But things

00:36:14.530 --> 00:36:19.590
have happened in my life and I have spoken and

00:36:19.590 --> 00:36:22.920
Asked for things and received them So that's

00:36:22.920 --> 00:36:25.159
why I feel like there is something there. There

00:36:25.159 --> 00:36:28.559
is something that I'm connected to on a certain

00:36:28.559 --> 00:36:33.920
level that has made things happen for me. I'm

00:36:33.920 --> 00:36:38.599
asking because, you know, normally when something

00:36:38.599 --> 00:36:43.500
bad happens to us, I mean, I'm assuming it's

00:36:43.500 --> 00:36:48.019
happening to everybody. You get that, like, that

00:36:48.019 --> 00:36:51.219
question, like, why is this happening to me?

00:36:51.289 --> 00:36:55.409
Right? And usually you like you would go like

00:36:55.409 --> 00:37:01.789
if you believe, right? You would go to to the

00:37:01.789 --> 00:37:05.530
divine being, right? And ask like, why is this

00:37:05.530 --> 00:37:08.750
happening to me? Right? Like, am I being like

00:37:08.750 --> 00:37:10.670
punished for something? Am I doing something

00:37:10.670 --> 00:37:14.510
wrong? Right? Yeah. Sometimes it might it might

00:37:14.510 --> 00:37:18.010
just look like chaos and pull you away from from

00:37:18.010 --> 00:37:21.280
that relationship that you that you have. So,

00:37:21.900 --> 00:37:25.940
yeah, that's why I was curious, like how you

00:37:25.940 --> 00:37:29.219
move away from, how did you move away from that

00:37:29.219 --> 00:37:35.500
breakup? Yeah, so with me, okay, so I had a really

00:37:35.500 --> 00:37:39.519
traumatic breakup, my last breakup, it was awful,

00:37:40.800 --> 00:37:46.119
awful. And when I sought out counseling from

00:37:46.119 --> 00:37:51.079
my pastor, right, after that breakup, The answer

00:37:51.079 --> 00:37:54.699
that I got was forgive him and go through counseling

00:37:54.699 --> 00:37:58.579
with him. And it was all centered around him.

00:38:00.019 --> 00:38:03.719
It was not a single ounce of empathy or sympathy

00:38:03.719 --> 00:38:08.780
for me or what he had put me through. And that's

00:38:08.780 --> 00:38:13.599
when I realized that a man -made religion was

00:38:13.599 --> 00:38:18.880
not for me. Because they were not looking out

00:38:18.880 --> 00:38:23.530
for me. they were looking out for the male him

00:38:23.530 --> 00:38:26.030
because he's supposed to be the leader because

00:38:26.030 --> 00:38:32.530
in the christian bible it says you have god right

00:38:32.530 --> 00:38:36.610
then you have the husband then the wife the children

00:38:36.610 --> 00:38:40.809
and if you take away the husband then what good

00:38:40.809 --> 00:38:44.949
are you you can't have a direct connection to

00:38:44.949 --> 00:38:47.449
god like you can't have that direct connection

00:38:47.449 --> 00:38:52.869
yourself And that's what they believe, like truly.

00:38:53.150 --> 00:38:57.469
But I was told this, that why could I not make

00:38:57.469 --> 00:39:02.309
things work with a monster? And if I ever, in

00:39:02.309 --> 00:39:05.530
the future maybe I'll share details, but a monster

00:39:05.530 --> 00:39:11.670
of a human being. I was no longer willing to

00:39:11.670 --> 00:39:17.389
endanger my life, my being, my soul, just because

00:39:17.389 --> 00:39:21.619
they chose that. Hey, the man matters more. Yeah,

00:39:21.619 --> 00:39:23.719
that's not maybe you definitely made the right

00:39:23.719 --> 00:39:27.239
choice on down Yeah, and and I had trouble at

00:39:27.239 --> 00:39:30.519
first at first. I thought I was gonna lean very

00:39:30.519 --> 00:39:34.980
atheist right because I was like this can't be

00:39:34.980 --> 00:39:40.119
it like the wise right the wise that Why did

00:39:40.119 --> 00:39:42.480
this happen? Why is this happening? Why was this

00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:45.699
allowed? Yeah, why does this happen to other

00:39:45.699 --> 00:39:48.539
people not even just myself like? Why do other

00:39:48.539 --> 00:39:50.760
people have to go through this? Because I've

00:39:50.760 --> 00:39:53.900
led a decent life where I have always, I mean,

00:39:53.900 --> 00:39:56.119
you've heard snippets of it on the lines where

00:39:56.119 --> 00:39:58.900
I tell people, if you need to hear something,

00:39:58.940 --> 00:40:01.559
if you want encouragement, reach out to me. That

00:40:01.559 --> 00:40:04.420
has been me my whole life. If you need something,

00:40:05.260 --> 00:40:08.539
I will be that person for you. I will be there

00:40:08.539 --> 00:40:10.099
for you. If nobody else will be there for you,

00:40:10.139 --> 00:40:13.099
I will be there for you. Like, I'll give you

00:40:13.099 --> 00:40:14.599
five minutes of my time. I'll give you 10 minutes

00:40:14.599 --> 00:40:16.590
of my time. Whatever you need. Like, that's the

00:40:16.590 --> 00:40:20.070
type of person that I've been since I was five

00:40:20.070 --> 00:40:23.010
years old. Yeah. I was beating up bullies for

00:40:23.010 --> 00:40:26.849
my family members. Yes, I'm a little violent

00:40:26.849 --> 00:40:30.329
sometimes. I appreciate that. It's okay. Yeah.

00:40:31.349 --> 00:40:33.389
Yeah, like, and nobody could mess with people

00:40:33.389 --> 00:40:36.269
that I cared about. If you were a part of mine,

00:40:36.590 --> 00:40:41.690
then I got you. There comes a point where you

00:40:41.690 --> 00:40:46.630
have to be violent. The way of the leaf is not

00:40:46.630 --> 00:40:53.150
always the right way. Yeah. Unless you... But

00:40:53.150 --> 00:40:56.070
obviously the way of the leaf until you hit the

00:40:56.070 --> 00:41:00.969
ground and then it's... Someone's gotta pay.

00:41:01.969 --> 00:41:06.769
Yeah, I am a believer of... I won't start something,

00:41:08.030 --> 00:41:11.670
but be sure that I will end it. Yeah, I can...

00:41:12.989 --> 00:41:15.809
Yeah, I will put an end to it. Um, so yeah, that's

00:41:15.809 --> 00:41:19.269
what I did for For my friends for family members

00:41:19.269 --> 00:41:21.730
anybody who ever went through anything. I was

00:41:21.730 --> 00:41:25.030
there for them But I found myself a lot in the

00:41:25.030 --> 00:41:27.369
situation that when I was going through something

00:41:27.369 --> 00:41:36.610
I Was looking around And nobody was there But

00:41:36.610 --> 00:41:39.610
um, so yeah, so all the wise came from those

00:41:39.610 --> 00:41:44.900
points right where Why if I'm like this? Is this

00:41:44.900 --> 00:41:50.219
happening? But there's other things that have

00:41:50.219 --> 00:41:55.260
occurred like Family members that have been ill

00:41:55.260 --> 00:41:58.820
things like that things that I have asked and

00:41:58.820 --> 00:42:03.219
somehow good things have happened still So I'm

00:42:03.219 --> 00:42:05.159
like, okay, there was this one horrible thing

00:42:05.159 --> 00:42:08.340
that happened But three good things happened

00:42:10.480 --> 00:42:15.860
Like I had surgery last year and It was the scariest

00:42:15.860 --> 00:42:19.219
thing. I didn't know I was gonna wake up. I didn't

00:42:19.219 --> 00:42:22.960
know I was gonna be here and That's why this

00:42:22.960 --> 00:42:26.260
here has been so important to me Because I want

00:42:26.260 --> 00:42:29.980
to flip everything upside down Because this is

00:42:29.980 --> 00:42:35.380
a new chance at life like I'm here. I'm healthier.

00:42:35.980 --> 00:42:39.070
I'm happy. I just Want to have make everybody

00:42:39.070 --> 00:42:47.150
happy and be happy. Yeah Yeah, yeah And I don't

00:42:47.150 --> 00:42:49.150
care anymore like that's really where i'm at.

00:42:49.150 --> 00:42:52.690
I just don't care I don't care to be polite enough.

00:42:52.690 --> 00:42:55.630
I don't care to be Censored. I don't care to

00:42:55.630 --> 00:42:58.590
be anything that anybody else wants. I'm just

00:42:58.590 --> 00:43:02.150
gonna be me. Damn it That's exactly how I feel.

00:43:02.150 --> 00:43:06.750
That's why i'm making this podcast And the funny

00:43:06.750 --> 00:43:09.539
thing is that like I've been asked to be on podcasts

00:43:09.539 --> 00:43:11.599
for years, and I have never said yes, but I said

00:43:11.599 --> 00:43:16.619
yes to you. Fantastic. Thank you. Special moment.

00:43:16.780 --> 00:43:19.940
I love it. Yeah. Yeah. So, let's move first.

00:43:22.760 --> 00:43:27.019
Okay. We should move on to another topic. Yeah.

00:43:27.119 --> 00:43:31.420
For me, I just, I want to ask, Jolie, are you

00:43:31.420 --> 00:43:39.920
religious? Well, I'm spiritual. Okay. I am spiritual.

00:43:40.780 --> 00:43:45.139
I was asking Maya because obviously I was curious

00:43:45.139 --> 00:43:48.760
how other people do it because I'm also like

00:43:48.760 --> 00:43:55.780
dealing with that in my life. So I started as

00:43:55.780 --> 00:44:00.559
religious. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents

00:44:00.559 --> 00:44:04.099
in the countryside and obviously I was... Going

00:44:04.099 --> 00:44:08.599
to church regularly knew all the songs and knew

00:44:08.599 --> 00:44:10.960
the prayers knew everything every night. There

00:44:10.960 --> 00:44:22.179
was prayer But I was fed this idea of This always

00:44:22.179 --> 00:44:27.079
kind always kind Divine, you know and always

00:44:27.079 --> 00:44:30.599
there for the week always there to listen to

00:44:30.599 --> 00:44:35.699
you to your prayers and I also had this, like,

00:44:35.860 --> 00:44:40.139
children's Bible that obviously was, like, not

00:44:40.139 --> 00:44:43.119
the real deal. It was just, like, very curated,

00:44:43.179 --> 00:44:46.820
let's say. Like, all these nice stories, right,

00:44:46.880 --> 00:44:50.420
about people getting involved and, yeah, nobody

00:44:50.420 --> 00:44:52.780
was scared. Nobody was, yeah, it was perfect.

00:44:52.820 --> 00:44:55.159
And I loved it. I loved it. Like, I would ask

00:44:55.159 --> 00:44:58.199
my grandma to read me every night, right, because

00:44:58.199 --> 00:45:01.250
it was this fantasy of, like, Whenever you're

00:45:01.250 --> 00:45:03.989
down, whenever something bad happens to you,

00:45:04.090 --> 00:45:06.789
there is God like saving everything, right? And

00:45:06.789 --> 00:45:09.869
there are good people out there, right? So I

00:45:09.869 --> 00:45:16.690
kind of was like, I felt protected, right? Fast

00:45:16.690 --> 00:45:20.530
forward, I get into school and school for me

00:45:20.530 --> 00:45:26.449
has been brutal, like especially the first years

00:45:26.449 --> 00:45:29.969
of school. That is when I actually, even starting

00:45:29.969 --> 00:45:32.750
with kindergarten, that's when I've actually

00:45:32.750 --> 00:45:40.769
encountered bullying, physical aggression between

00:45:40.769 --> 00:45:48.610
kids, and it did not make sense. So I spent a

00:45:48.610 --> 00:45:52.389
lot of time, I was coming from school, home,

00:45:52.389 --> 00:45:57.929
and I was hiding because anyway at home it was

00:45:57.929 --> 00:45:59.969
the whole that's a whole different story but

00:45:59.969 --> 00:46:03.550
i wasn't supported or allowed to show my emotions

00:46:03.550 --> 00:46:09.469
so i was hiding myself in the closet crying because

00:46:09.469 --> 00:46:13.010
i saw other children first like being bullied

00:46:13.010 --> 00:46:16.630
and being beaten just for being different you

00:46:16.630 --> 00:46:20.869
know just for being themselves i say so i was

00:46:20.869 --> 00:46:23.630
like praying every night like what is why is

00:46:23.630 --> 00:46:25.809
this happening was such a shock for me as a as

00:46:25.809 --> 00:46:32.130
a child and um yeah my mom found me once she

00:46:32.130 --> 00:46:35.030
gave me a beating like why are you crying like

00:46:35.030 --> 00:46:36.789
you have no reason to cry why are you always

00:46:36.789 --> 00:46:40.489
crying like what's happening anyway i love my

00:46:40.489 --> 00:46:45.210
mom i i i adore my mom but she she wasn't prepared

00:46:46.699 --> 00:46:49.280
She wasn't prepared, let's say, for a child that

00:46:49.280 --> 00:46:54.360
was really sensitive. I mean, children don't

00:46:54.360 --> 00:46:57.960
come with a manual. I mean, that's clear. And

00:46:57.960 --> 00:47:01.199
you do the best you can. That was her best. But

00:47:01.199 --> 00:47:05.340
yeah, that thing, as well as the thing that was

00:47:05.340 --> 00:47:09.670
happening in the church. Like old ladies telling

00:47:09.670 --> 00:47:11.610
me, you know, you shouldn't do the cross like

00:47:11.610 --> 00:47:13.929
this. You should do the cross like that No, don't

00:47:13.929 --> 00:47:15.809
kneel now. You need to kneel when the priest

00:47:15.809 --> 00:47:21.329
says whatever and I'm like I Am seven can I live

00:47:21.329 --> 00:47:25.550
Like what is your deal but they had nothing else

00:47:25.550 --> 00:47:28.130
to do right that's really young for me that was

00:47:28.130 --> 00:47:32.170
sort of identity I'm so yeah, this is me you

00:47:32.170 --> 00:47:37.519
You back away Exactly. It was too much for me

00:47:37.519 --> 00:47:40.860
and so I came to the conclusion, so my psyche

00:47:40.860 --> 00:47:42.960
came to the conclusion that there is no God.

00:47:44.219 --> 00:47:47.699
Because if there's no one that can protect these

00:47:47.699 --> 00:47:52.179
children around me, it did not make sense. It

00:47:52.179 --> 00:47:54.880
did not make sense for me. Like, why isn't like

00:47:54.880 --> 00:47:57.659
help coming? Why is it? Yeah, so it took me away

00:47:57.659 --> 00:48:03.219
from that and for the longest time I... I was

00:48:03.219 --> 00:48:06.199
an atheist. I did not believe. I was really curious

00:48:06.199 --> 00:48:12.059
about occult stuff, like esoteric stuff. But

00:48:12.059 --> 00:48:16.960
surprisingly enough, what drew me back to believing

00:48:16.960 --> 00:48:24.579
was not Christianism. It was actually Shamanism

00:48:24.579 --> 00:48:28.670
and Tentaculine. That's what actually brought

00:48:28.670 --> 00:48:31.389
me back. So there are things that probably by

00:48:31.389 --> 00:48:34.690
Christians are seen as like pagan, right? They're

00:48:34.690 --> 00:48:38.710
still like Whatever the Christian religion is

00:48:38.710 --> 00:48:44.610
built on pagan blocks. Yeah And there's that

00:48:44.610 --> 00:48:47.750
but yeah, so that that is what brought me back

00:48:47.750 --> 00:48:53.250
because I came back to this like State of prayer

00:48:53.250 --> 00:48:57.960
and just like meditation and just me Just a small

00:48:57.960 --> 00:49:01.639
space where I can experience the divine and yeah,

00:49:01.639 --> 00:49:06.000
that was amazing and I had a lot of Amazing experiences

00:49:06.000 --> 00:49:10.599
since I've started working on that So yeah, I'm

00:49:10.599 --> 00:49:14.119
spiritual and What you were saying Maya like

00:49:14.119 --> 00:49:17.059
you don't believe in like a man -made I I've

00:49:17.059 --> 00:49:19.880
always said this like I don't believe in the

00:49:19.880 --> 00:49:24.250
God in the books of man from the books Like because

00:49:24.250 --> 00:49:26.369
that no matter what religion you look at. It's

00:49:26.369 --> 00:49:31.469
just like 1 % Come on. Come on now 1 % Like we

00:49:31.469 --> 00:49:35.989
don't know a lot This might sound very bad, but

00:49:35.989 --> 00:49:40.230
that the God in those books He's a kid on an

00:49:40.230 --> 00:49:42.510
antel with a magnifying glass and he's trying

00:49:42.510 --> 00:49:48.150
to burn you Imagine my script right when I read

00:49:48.150 --> 00:49:54.949
the actual Bible for the first Oh my god. Oh

00:49:54.949 --> 00:49:58.369
my god. I totally want to believe in God. I used

00:49:58.369 --> 00:50:02.210
to be like, I used to be very religious as well.

00:50:03.050 --> 00:50:08.449
Dutch Reformed. And our house is next to the,

00:50:08.650 --> 00:50:12.130
it used to be the biggest church in the southern

00:50:12.130 --> 00:50:15.329
hemisphere for a while in South Africa. Like

00:50:15.329 --> 00:50:19.630
literally across the road. It could seat 7 ,000

00:50:19.630 --> 00:50:25.639
people in that one church. And I was part of

00:50:25.639 --> 00:50:28.300
the technical crew. I helped to do the lights

00:50:28.300 --> 00:50:34.139
on Sundays and I would walk home at night on

00:50:34.139 --> 00:50:39.780
a Sunday and be talking to Jesus. He never answered

00:50:39.780 --> 00:50:47.000
me. And then I started getting curious because

00:50:47.000 --> 00:50:50.199
there was this rhetoric inside the church that

00:50:50.199 --> 00:50:53.429
you shouldn't... You know that you should block

00:50:53.429 --> 00:50:56.510
these these other information sources out like

00:50:56.510 --> 00:50:59.130
don't look at this Bible or don't look at that

00:50:59.130 --> 00:51:04.090
or I looked at all of it and Eventually was like

00:51:04.090 --> 00:51:06.909
this. So this is really good. This is better.

00:51:07.050 --> 00:51:12.449
Someone's better objectively better. Yeah, and

00:51:12.449 --> 00:51:15.590
Then I just kind of decided that obviously this

00:51:15.590 --> 00:51:18.269
is not the way. Oh, yeah I was a creationist

00:51:18.269 --> 00:51:24.300
for a while as well Like an evangelical creationist.

00:51:24.960 --> 00:51:28.079
But over time I just moved away from all of that

00:51:28.079 --> 00:51:34.500
and now I think that there is more beauty in

00:51:34.500 --> 00:51:41.739
the random and the intrinsic than there is in

00:51:41.739 --> 00:51:49.179
giving these things to an external power. Both

00:51:49.179 --> 00:51:53.300
of these can be true at the same time. Yeah,

00:51:53.320 --> 00:51:57.820
absolutely. Which is why I can't say that I believe

00:51:57.820 --> 00:52:00.780
in a god, but I want to believe in a higher power.

00:52:01.340 --> 00:52:04.719
I believe in manifestation. I believe that if

00:52:04.719 --> 00:52:09.159
you're a sad person all the time and you don't

00:52:09.159 --> 00:52:11.179
put yourself out there and you were never told

00:52:11.179 --> 00:52:17.710
nothing's gonna happen to you. That's true. That's

00:52:17.710 --> 00:52:20.469
true. I think I find so much beauty in the in

00:52:20.469 --> 00:52:24.110
randomness, you know, and a lot of people will

00:52:24.110 --> 00:52:26.349
say like, oh, no, that's chaos. Like that is

00:52:26.349 --> 00:52:31.289
not something that is part of like, you know,

00:52:31.289 --> 00:52:35.190
the whole process, like creation and all that,

00:52:35.289 --> 00:52:37.670
you know, like everything is already planned,

00:52:37.670 --> 00:52:41.090
something like that. Right. But I think randomness

00:52:41.090 --> 00:52:47.699
is part of it because I do believe that everything,

00:52:48.159 --> 00:52:52.420
everything that we see around us, it had a beginning.

00:52:53.119 --> 00:52:56.139
Something happened in order for it to transform,

00:52:56.460 --> 00:53:01.760
not to change, but transform. I think it's all

00:53:01.760 --> 00:53:08.000
part of it. For me, it gives it beauty. Maybe

00:53:08.000 --> 00:53:10.400
we don't understand it, maybe we perceive it

00:53:10.400 --> 00:53:14.239
as randomness, like chaos. But I mean, for me,

00:53:14.380 --> 00:53:19.739
like I had this huge intrinsic fear of trans

00:53:19.739 --> 00:53:21.619
people for the longest time in South Africa.

00:53:21.699 --> 00:53:27.039
It's really. But now the idea of this like fluidity

00:53:27.039 --> 00:53:31.980
of gender and this femininely masculine and masculinely

00:53:31.980 --> 00:53:35.920
feminine and all of it. It's beautiful. Yeah.

00:53:36.699 --> 00:53:41.630
Yeah. Yeah. I also find it amazing. Like, I'm

00:53:41.630 --> 00:53:46.630
so curious and that is one, I think it's the

00:53:46.630 --> 00:53:50.150
biggest thing that I love about myself, the curiosity.

00:53:50.750 --> 00:53:54.050
Because it has taken me to places I would never

00:53:54.050 --> 00:53:59.150
think that I would go. I don't know if my English

00:53:59.150 --> 00:54:05.170
is English -ing right now, but you get me? Because

00:54:05.170 --> 00:54:09.769
of what Ken says. But yeah, it has taken me to

00:54:09.769 --> 00:54:13.380
a lot of... amazing places and just being able

00:54:13.380 --> 00:54:20.420
to go past that fear of the unknown. And seeing

00:54:20.420 --> 00:54:26.420
so much diversity, it's just so beautiful. It

00:54:26.420 --> 00:54:30.840
does not make life boring. That's what I adore

00:54:30.840 --> 00:54:33.519
about it. You constantly discover something.

00:54:35.119 --> 00:54:41.429
Yeah. Yeah. I think for me, it's um it's funny

00:54:41.429 --> 00:54:44.769
because i think the wanting to know more and

00:54:44.769 --> 00:54:48.750
knowing that there is more to the spiritual actually

00:54:48.750 --> 00:54:53.150
comes from um my bloodline like i always say

00:54:53.150 --> 00:54:57.050
that i come from strong women my grandmother

00:54:57.050 --> 00:55:00.690
devout devout catholic right super like i mean

00:55:00.690 --> 00:55:03.949
i was with this lady when i lived with her at

00:55:03.949 --> 00:55:07.610
church every day like that was the little girl

00:55:07.610 --> 00:55:10.690
that was me with her every single day. I have

00:55:10.690 --> 00:55:12.469
never liked the Catholic religion because I think

00:55:12.469 --> 00:55:15.349
it's very ritualistic and kind of what you were

00:55:15.349 --> 00:55:18.409
saying, like you have to do the cross this way.

00:55:18.469 --> 00:55:22.550
You have to kneel at this point. You have to

00:55:22.550 --> 00:55:25.210
do this at this time in this order because that

00:55:25.210 --> 00:55:28.010
is what the pope says you have to do. And you

00:55:28.010 --> 00:55:32.369
never question it. Yeah. I was also like you,

00:55:32.449 --> 00:55:35.289
I was seven years old asking my grandmother,

00:55:35.309 --> 00:55:41.730
but why? But why? Because the priest says so,

00:55:41.750 --> 00:55:43.849
bro. What do you mean? And then she would look

00:55:43.849 --> 00:55:46.550
at me. I swear she probably wanted to smack me.

00:55:47.449 --> 00:55:50.510
But it was always a why. It wasn't the why of

00:55:50.510 --> 00:55:54.070
if God existed. It was the why of why does it

00:55:54.070 --> 00:55:57.210
have to be this way, though? Yeah. Like, why

00:55:57.210 --> 00:55:59.170
do I have to follow these instructions? Why do

00:55:59.170 --> 00:56:01.670
I have to sing these hymns? Why do I have to

00:56:01.670 --> 00:56:03.809
pray in this way? Can't I just have a conversation

00:56:03.809 --> 00:56:07.219
with him? Like, can I just not speak to him?

00:56:07.480 --> 00:56:12.219
Like, why is there all these barriers in the

00:56:12.219 --> 00:56:15.800
way? And I was a little kid thinking these things,

00:56:16.320 --> 00:56:21.239
which makes sense of who I am, I guess. But those

00:56:21.239 --> 00:56:25.280
are the thoughts. But her mother, my great grandmother,

00:56:26.619 --> 00:56:33.210
was a curandera. So she was an herbalist. An

00:56:33.210 --> 00:56:37.349
herbalist like the like a woman in the town that

00:56:37.349 --> 00:56:42.070
would make remedies and But I heal people and

00:56:42.070 --> 00:56:44.190
that kind of thing. Yeah, we can have a word

00:56:44.190 --> 00:56:46.429
there many I don't know the words for for for

00:56:46.429 --> 00:56:52.650
that I guess it would be healer. Yeah Yeah, yeah

00:56:52.650 --> 00:56:56.230
Not in the sense of like, you know spells or

00:56:56.230 --> 00:56:59.269
anything like that. It was all with nature's

00:56:59.269 --> 00:57:02.070
god where nature's given, see, God given, anyways,

00:57:03.869 --> 00:57:06.730
nature's things like, and my grandmother also

00:57:06.730 --> 00:57:10.030
did that. I never took regular medicine when

00:57:10.030 --> 00:57:13.610
I lived with my grandmother. It was always, here

00:57:13.610 --> 00:57:18.050
is this thing that I made, drink it. So like

00:57:18.050 --> 00:57:19.909
my love for teas, a lot of people say, oh, I

00:57:19.909 --> 00:57:22.690
don't like teas, I can't do bitter teas. I've

00:57:22.690 --> 00:57:25.449
never added honey to my teas. Because I've been

00:57:25.449 --> 00:57:27.929
drinking them bitter since I was, I don't know

00:57:27.929 --> 00:57:33.789
how old. But yeah, so because of my great -grandmother,

00:57:33.809 --> 00:57:39.389
I have dreamt her. I never met her. But I have

00:57:39.389 --> 00:57:42.489
dreamt her. That's cool. That's really cool.

00:57:43.190 --> 00:57:45.849
And I have asked if this is what she looked like.

00:57:45.869 --> 00:57:47.809
And my mom has told me, yes, that's what she

00:57:47.809 --> 00:57:52.349
looked like. Ancestral memory. Yes. And I have

00:57:52.349 --> 00:57:55.150
like the one dream that comes to mind is she

00:57:55.150 --> 00:57:58.630
was wearing all white. And there was a man who

00:57:58.630 --> 00:58:02.869
was sick. in his bed and she was putting something

00:58:02.869 --> 00:58:06.130
like under his bed and then also was making him

00:58:06.130 --> 00:58:11.469
drink something to help him like and I know sounds

00:58:11.469 --> 00:58:14.909
it's not I don't really share this often with

00:58:14.909 --> 00:58:19.150
people but I don't know how I know this but I

00:58:19.150 --> 00:58:24.329
know it I know what she looked like I know what

00:58:24.329 --> 00:58:28.289
she did and I don't know how you know there are

00:58:28.289 --> 00:58:32.630
things that We don't need to know how. Exactly.

00:58:33.289 --> 00:58:36.150
Yeah. There are things that exist out there that

00:58:36.150 --> 00:58:38.829
we don't have yet the explanation for, but they

00:58:38.829 --> 00:58:43.429
are real. They definitely are real. We just like

00:58:43.429 --> 00:58:46.489
sometimes this system was just like imagination,

00:58:46.489 --> 00:58:50.030
right? Or it's just like a dream. It was just

00:58:50.030 --> 00:58:52.809
a dream. It was just a nightmare, you know? Yeah.

00:58:53.650 --> 00:58:56.829
Yeah. And so because of the dreams that I've

00:58:56.829 --> 00:59:01.789
had, I I guess I've been able to connect a little

00:59:01.789 --> 00:59:04.250
bit here and there with some of the people that

00:59:04.250 --> 00:59:07.710
I never met in that lineage. And I stick to the

00:59:07.710 --> 00:59:11.130
lineage of my grandmother because, and that's

00:59:11.130 --> 00:59:13.670
the last name that I carry by the way. I don't

00:59:13.670 --> 00:59:16.849
carry any other, like my last name is my grandmother's

00:59:16.849 --> 00:59:19.269
last name and it will remain my grandmother's

00:59:19.269 --> 00:59:24.409
last name. Like that's, yeah. Because I think

00:59:24.409 --> 00:59:26.250
that's the, that was her last name. That was

00:59:26.250 --> 00:59:30.829
my great grandmother's last name. So, carrying

00:59:30.829 --> 00:59:35.570
that on. Yeah. Let's, let's, let's carry on with

00:59:35.570 --> 00:59:38.750
the next, uh, the next topic. I've already spun

00:59:38.750 --> 00:59:41.889
the wheel. I did record spinning the wheel. It

00:59:41.889 --> 00:59:45.230
is, it is me. I feel kind of bad about the result.

00:59:48.110 --> 00:59:51.630
Now you. So I'll go, but I rolled in, I think.

00:59:52.289 --> 00:59:56.150
Oh no, she's stuck. Oh no, everyone's stuck.

00:59:57.070 --> 01:00:03.500
Oh, there we go. We're back. Okay, so I'll say

01:00:03.500 --> 01:00:06.860
my problem. For most of my life, I have been

01:00:06.860 --> 01:00:09.559
afraid to voice my opinion. This is the one I

01:00:09.559 --> 01:00:12.920
wrote down. For fear of what people might think.

01:00:13.440 --> 01:00:19.199
Now I feel it's a toxic mindset instilled by

01:00:19.199 --> 01:00:23.739
the system to keep the proletariat in its place.

01:00:28.300 --> 01:00:35.079
I relate to that. I relate to that, to not being

01:00:35.079 --> 01:00:44.300
able to express your emotions. Not feeling accepted,

01:00:44.659 --> 01:00:49.000
truly accepted, unless you agree with the people

01:00:49.000 --> 01:00:53.159
around you. You know, it chips away at your identity

01:00:53.159 --> 01:01:00.849
bit by bit. My question for you would be, now

01:01:00.849 --> 01:01:03.110
that you are expressing your opinions, now that

01:01:03.110 --> 01:01:07.670
you are expressing those emotions, does it feel

01:01:07.670 --> 01:01:14.030
freeing, uncomfortable, or a mix of both? Because

01:01:14.030 --> 01:01:19.889
obviously, there's a process involved, right?

01:01:19.889 --> 01:01:24.489
So where are you exactly in that process, and

01:01:24.489 --> 01:01:28.699
how does it feel? Obviously, it's better to express

01:01:28.699 --> 01:01:32.420
your emotions, but internally. It's hard to say

01:01:32.420 --> 01:01:35.559
where I am in that process. It's almost impossible

01:01:35.559 --> 01:01:39.719
to say. But I'm somewhere along the road and

01:01:39.719 --> 01:01:45.980
I'm still in that trap. I still fear. But I'm

01:01:45.980 --> 01:01:54.099
aware of it now. And it's easier to start overcoming

01:01:54.099 --> 01:02:00.079
it. What was the other part of the question?

01:02:01.280 --> 01:02:06.440
Is it freeing? Does it give me anxiety? It's

01:02:06.440 --> 01:02:09.480
definitely more free. I'm proud of myself when

01:02:09.480 --> 01:02:13.280
I walk away and I said what I wanted to say or

01:02:13.280 --> 01:02:17.239
do what I wanted to do. But there's still a fear.

01:02:18.480 --> 01:02:21.179
So yeah, a little bit of both. And I think that

01:02:21.179 --> 01:02:24.440
sometimes I still, I still agree with people

01:02:24.440 --> 01:02:33.590
for the sake of agreement. I get you, like, experiencing

01:02:33.590 --> 01:02:41.289
the same thing. I find it freeing, but also,

01:02:41.289 --> 01:02:45.610
like, it really gets this pressure off my chest.

01:02:47.170 --> 01:02:53.530
But it also makes me feel... There is a guilt,

01:02:53.630 --> 01:02:55.849
obviously, associated with it, because there

01:02:55.849 --> 01:02:58.619
was a guilt. that I felt when whenever I was

01:02:58.619 --> 01:03:00.980
expressing in my childhood, I was expressing

01:03:00.980 --> 01:03:03.800
emotions, you know, so there is a clue when I

01:03:03.800 --> 01:03:06.699
see people, the way they react to whatever I'm

01:03:06.699 --> 01:03:12.679
saying. So instead of. Focusing on I just need

01:03:12.679 --> 01:03:15.900
to get this out, I'm trying to focus on how do

01:03:15.900 --> 01:03:21.079
I get it out in a way that. Is also productive

01:03:21.079 --> 01:03:24.329
for the conversation, right? Because if I. just

01:03:24.329 --> 01:03:26.630
like blur it out and it's just like something

01:03:26.630 --> 01:03:28.969
unfiltered. It's just going to ruin all of my

01:03:28.969 --> 01:03:30.690
relationship. It's just going to ruin everything

01:03:30.690 --> 01:03:35.869
around me. That's not the purpose of it. The

01:03:35.869 --> 01:03:38.889
purpose is just to express myself and be able

01:03:38.889 --> 01:03:42.050
with the people around me to work on our relationship

01:03:42.050 --> 01:03:46.050
or whatever it is. This is what I did, focusing

01:03:46.050 --> 01:03:51.579
on how can I put this in a way that It still

01:03:51.579 --> 01:03:55.380
allows me to express myself, but also does not,

01:03:55.380 --> 01:03:58.679
you know, polarize people. Do you think that

01:03:58.679 --> 01:04:02.280
doing that puts you in a trap where you're still

01:04:02.280 --> 01:04:04.400
doing it, even though you're trying? It might.

01:04:05.280 --> 01:04:09.079
It might. Well, I thought about this like, am

01:04:09.079 --> 01:04:12.380
I still in that trap? Well, at least, you know

01:04:12.380 --> 01:04:15.719
what I thought? At least I'm taking one step

01:04:15.719 --> 01:04:19.639
at least. Yeah. Right. by allowing myself to

01:04:19.639 --> 01:04:22.340
talk about the things that really, because I've

01:04:22.340 --> 01:04:25.980
always been social. I've always made a lot of

01:04:25.980 --> 01:04:28.039
friends and stuff like that, but I was very controlling

01:04:28.039 --> 01:04:31.800
of what information I was giving access to. I

01:04:31.800 --> 01:04:34.760
could talk about a lot of things, but I would

01:04:34.760 --> 01:04:37.539
not talk about how I really felt about them.

01:04:39.880 --> 01:04:43.719
Now, I talk about stuff and the first thing that

01:04:43.719 --> 01:04:47.860
I noticed is that it comes out with such Intensity.

01:04:48.440 --> 01:04:55.099
I'm crying. I'm screaming. I'm still aware. I

01:04:55.099 --> 01:04:57.480
try to let the people around me know I'm going

01:04:57.480 --> 01:05:02.440
for it. I'm going for it. Just bear with me.

01:05:02.460 --> 01:05:05.719
It might sound bad. I'm sorry. I'm also a Libra.

01:05:05.760 --> 01:05:09.639
I go from this side to this side real fast. I'm

01:05:09.639 --> 01:05:13.619
trying to get to the middle. So I try to make

01:05:13.619 --> 01:05:16.460
sure that people know. But I still like I want

01:05:16.460 --> 01:05:19.159
to do the right thing. So yeah, it might be a

01:05:19.159 --> 01:05:25.840
trap in the sense that I am still not Not dealing

01:05:25.840 --> 01:05:28.780
fully with like why is that emotion even there?

01:05:30.139 --> 01:05:33.960
Why do I feel like that right? Because you can't

01:05:33.960 --> 01:05:36.559
just treat the surface, right? You also need

01:05:36.559 --> 01:05:39.179
to treat like why why do I feel offended? Why

01:05:39.179 --> 01:05:41.639
do I feel sad about this at the end of the day?

01:05:42.139 --> 01:05:46.510
Yeah Does it really affect me that much? So dealing

01:05:46.510 --> 01:05:51.969
with that and also dealing with the way you pass

01:05:51.969 --> 01:05:55.710
the message to the other people, I think it just

01:05:55.710 --> 01:06:01.590
helps keep you on, what do you call that in English?

01:06:01.849 --> 01:06:05.309
Like floating. On the level. I mean balance.

01:06:06.150 --> 01:06:12.150
Yeah. Yeah, in balance. Yeah. Yeah. You mentioned

01:06:12.829 --> 01:06:15.769
Caring about something and you're asking why

01:06:15.769 --> 01:06:19.590
do you care about it? So I I hate self -help

01:06:19.590 --> 01:06:23.210
books, but I read the subtle art of not giving

01:06:23.210 --> 01:06:28.449
a fuck And I found that to be very helpful at

01:06:28.449 --> 01:06:32.690
just putting a little mental barometer in your

01:06:32.690 --> 01:06:35.789
brain Going this isn't gonna change the outcome

01:06:35.789 --> 01:06:39.670
of my life. So I do not care That's it. Yeah

01:06:39.670 --> 01:06:41.610
that you don't need to read the book. That's

01:06:41.610 --> 01:06:43.809
what it says Yes, it's gonna change the outcome

01:06:43.809 --> 01:06:47.510
of you know, then I totally agree with you There

01:06:47.510 --> 01:06:50.510
are a lot of there's a lot of content about self

01:06:50.510 --> 01:06:54.429
development out there. Not all of it good Yeah,

01:06:54.610 --> 01:06:59.610
a bit shitty But still there are some good good

01:06:59.610 --> 01:07:03.369
things that I that I that I read Not the entire

01:07:03.369 --> 01:07:07.030
book But at least some of the some of the messages

01:07:07.030 --> 01:07:12.550
like really got to me and I I'm sorry. Do you

01:07:12.550 --> 01:07:18.250
hear this? Yeah, there's structure going on right

01:07:18.250 --> 01:07:21.690
now. What are you thinking? Like very very little.

01:07:22.150 --> 01:07:25.449
I didn't have a setting like I'm sorry. No, it's

01:07:25.449 --> 01:07:29.909
okay. It will get taken out anyway. So coming

01:07:29.909 --> 01:07:31.489
back to it. There's a lot of books of course

01:07:31.489 --> 01:07:34.090
self -development not all them good. There are

01:07:33.960 --> 01:07:37.480
some of them that do have some really good messages

01:07:37.480 --> 01:07:39.579
within them. I personally am attracted to the

01:07:39.579 --> 01:07:42.940
ones that have science to back them up. Oh, yeah.

01:07:43.059 --> 01:07:46.119
Right. My favorite book of all time is called

01:07:46.119 --> 01:07:48.920
Algorithms to Live By, and it's the application

01:07:48.920 --> 01:07:51.800
of computer algorithms into your life. And that

01:07:51.800 --> 01:07:55.840
makes sense to me. I resonate with a lot of like

01:07:55.840 --> 01:08:00.119
Jody Spencer's work because he goes through the

01:08:00.119 --> 01:08:03.469
data. Like I'm in between like believing you

01:08:03.469 --> 01:08:07.010
and whatever juju you're doing, but I also need

01:08:07.010 --> 01:08:10.130
to see some data. Give me a little bit of that

01:08:10.130 --> 01:08:18.010
as well. There are some really, really good books

01:08:18.010 --> 01:08:21.510
out there on how to improve and work for that

01:08:21.510 --> 01:08:33.449
juju exactly. Well, you know what? I hate I hate

01:08:33.449 --> 01:08:36.250
when they tell you no do this do that. I'm telling

01:08:36.250 --> 01:08:38.789
you what to do Whatever you're doing. It's wrong.

01:08:38.890 --> 01:08:42.710
I hate books like that. Like I'll hold on That's

01:08:42.710 --> 01:08:45.810
all the business ones I've read Teach me what

01:08:45.810 --> 01:08:49.630
I what I why I was I doing it wrong not to repeat

01:08:49.630 --> 01:08:52.329
it in the future Because I cannot change like

01:08:52.329 --> 01:08:58.909
from this to this like just Yeah, you know Anyway,

01:08:58.909 --> 01:09:04.670
I feel like I'm blabbing a lot like No, no, no,

01:09:04.689 --> 01:09:07.670
I wouldn't go get I would I need to refill my

01:09:07.670 --> 01:09:11.670
wine. Can I do that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah It's

01:09:11.670 --> 01:09:17.369
been like a really rough time like 2019 Yeah

01:09:17.369 --> 01:09:22.170
until now like the past three years. Oh I've

01:09:22.170 --> 01:09:25.970
been I've been pretty hard like Health wise like

01:09:25.970 --> 01:09:29.590
physically, you know 2019 was like mentally,

01:09:29.829 --> 01:09:32.569
heavily mentally, but it also like I almost died

01:09:32.569 --> 01:09:35.890
from that shit. It brought me to a point where

01:09:35.890 --> 01:09:42.970
I was in my house, like walking like on all fours.

01:09:43.130 --> 01:09:46.729
And I also developed like an OCD. And my mom,

01:09:46.770 --> 01:09:49.149
I actually called for my mom. The only time I

01:09:49.149 --> 01:09:51.510
called for my mom and actually trusted her after

01:09:51.510 --> 01:09:53.890
so many years. But I've asked her like, when

01:09:53.890 --> 01:09:56.319
you see me, because I knew. like I didn't I did

01:09:56.319 --> 01:09:58.579
not look good like I lost so much weight I could

01:09:58.579 --> 01:10:01.220
not stomach anything like not even water so I

01:10:01.220 --> 01:10:03.640
was there for like a week and a half without

01:10:03.640 --> 01:10:07.180
food without like I was actually just like forcing

01:10:07.180 --> 01:10:09.479
food down down my stomach because I knew like

01:10:09.479 --> 01:10:12.180
I need something but it was just like vomiting

01:10:12.180 --> 01:10:14.840
and I couldn't even breathe too hard because

01:10:14.840 --> 01:10:17.880
I was vomiting like it was it felt like a purge

01:10:17.880 --> 01:10:22.130
and I was obsessed with the why You know, that's

01:10:22.130 --> 01:10:24.529
that is one of the reasons why I was also mentioning

01:10:24.529 --> 01:10:27.529
earlier like the why and I was like questioning

01:10:27.529 --> 01:10:30.489
everything I even prayed after so many years

01:10:30.489 --> 01:10:33.850
of not even saying the prayer I prayed and I

01:10:33.850 --> 01:10:36.630
was asking like why is this happening like like

01:10:36.630 --> 01:10:39.729
do not forget about me and stuff like that and

01:10:39.729 --> 01:10:42.369
I try to think like at one point I was putting

01:10:42.369 --> 01:10:45.210
down on pieces of paper Everything that I I thought

01:10:45.210 --> 01:10:47.810
I did wrong in this life trying to trace like

01:10:47.810 --> 01:10:51.569
why is this happening to me, right? So yeah,

01:10:51.630 --> 01:10:54.409
my mom came, took care of me and just like spoon

01:10:54.409 --> 01:10:57.529
fed me, bro. Like I was like, I should have been

01:10:57.529 --> 01:11:00.029
taken to the hospital at that point because I

01:11:00.029 --> 01:11:04.069
could not eat anything. And I was like weighing,

01:11:04.750 --> 01:11:08.329
imagine I was, I'm 175 centimeters, right? I

01:11:08.329 --> 01:11:13.670
was weighing at that point, 42 kilos. Oh my God.

01:11:14.329 --> 01:11:18.210
42 kilos, like my - There's nothing. My stomach

01:11:18.210 --> 01:11:20.890
like when I when I was like looking in the mirror

01:11:20.890 --> 01:11:29.310
it was like Like this and Mentally I was having

01:11:29.310 --> 01:11:33.210
one anxiety attack after the other and at one

01:11:33.210 --> 01:11:35.949
point I had a really big one and I was crawling

01:11:35.949 --> 01:11:38.210
trying to get help from my neighbors. I was living

01:11:38.210 --> 01:11:42.739
alone and As I was approaching the door at one

01:11:42.739 --> 01:11:44.939
point I felt like oh my god my heart is gonna

01:11:44.939 --> 01:11:50.479
burst because it was beating so fast and The

01:11:50.479 --> 01:11:54.159
reason why I have PTSD now is because at that

01:11:54.159 --> 01:11:57.960
point I was so tired that I just like laid on

01:11:57.960 --> 01:12:03.859
the floor and Just gave up So I reached that

01:12:03.859 --> 01:12:06.520
point where I was just like ready like if if

01:12:06.520 --> 01:12:10.399
if this is happening to me, you know what? Bro,

01:12:10.399 --> 01:12:14.260
I cannot fight it anymore. I've tried so many

01:12:14.260 --> 01:12:16.739
things. I cannot fight it. So I was just there

01:12:16.739 --> 01:12:21.739
waiting for it to end. And mentally, this shift

01:12:21.739 --> 01:12:28.539
has been so violent and even processing it. Being

01:12:28.539 --> 01:12:31.939
aware that at some point, I was just ready for

01:12:31.939 --> 01:12:40.180
it to end. Yeah. Yeah. And imagine that it was

01:12:40.180 --> 01:12:45.000
happening when I thought my life was doing great.

01:12:46.079 --> 01:12:48.619
So many amazing things in my life happening.

01:12:49.220 --> 01:12:51.520
I felt so good about myself and stuff like that.

01:12:52.180 --> 01:12:56.300
And just like that one day, I woke up and everything

01:12:56.300 --> 01:12:59.960
changed. At the same time, that was the moment

01:12:59.960 --> 01:13:02.699
when I switched like what happened afterwards.

01:13:02.699 --> 01:13:05.239
When I started to recover, I went on meds. It

01:13:05.239 --> 01:13:08.270
helped me to eat. That is the only goal that

01:13:08.270 --> 01:13:14.369
I had. Like I knew I needed to eat. And so thankfully

01:13:14.369 --> 01:13:18.270
SSRIs got me out of it. And not even like a big

01:13:18.270 --> 01:13:21.989
dose. It was just like 50 milligrams, 50 milligrams

01:13:21.989 --> 01:13:25.229
of sirtulin. And that was it. That got me to

01:13:25.229 --> 01:13:29.149
eating again. That got me just like relax because

01:13:29.149 --> 01:13:31.069
at one point I was waking up and I thought it

01:13:31.069 --> 01:13:33.149
was an earthquake. I was calling for my mom.

01:13:33.270 --> 01:13:35.329
I was so scared. It's an earthquake. And she

01:13:35.329 --> 01:13:39.409
came and I was like, no, you're shivering. I

01:13:39.409 --> 01:13:42.630
was actually shivering. Anyway, it's a long story.

01:13:42.890 --> 01:13:46.090
It's a very big story. And yeah, I got traumatized

01:13:46.090 --> 01:13:50.189
by it. And now every time something happens,

01:13:51.050 --> 01:13:54.069
it just scares me so much that I will go back

01:13:54.069 --> 01:13:57.430
to that point when I would just give up. And

01:13:57.430 --> 01:14:00.569
I used to be this person like so in love with

01:14:00.569 --> 01:14:04.250
life. You know, and appreciating everything and

01:14:04.250 --> 01:14:07.369
finding everything so, so, so beautiful, like

01:14:07.369 --> 01:14:12.789
people and, and experiences. Yeah, I am that

01:14:12.789 --> 01:14:17.189
person, but knowing that bottom, I'm still working

01:14:17.189 --> 01:14:20.850
on just like making sure I it's okay. I know

01:14:20.850 --> 01:14:23.649
that bottom, but I have the tools now not to

01:14:23.649 --> 01:14:26.109
get there, you know, but some part of me is just

01:14:26.109 --> 01:14:29.930
like freaking scared of that, of that, of that

01:14:29.930 --> 01:14:36.760
place. Anyway, no, no. Thank you for sharing

01:14:36.760 --> 01:14:40.380
all that. Like, you know what? I could never,

01:14:40.739 --> 01:14:43.859
honestly, from the little that I've known you,

01:14:43.920 --> 01:14:46.779
I've known you for a bit over a month, right?

01:14:47.979 --> 01:14:49.460
Or, yeah, a month and a half, something like

01:14:49.460 --> 01:14:54.739
that. And I would have never guessed. And we've

01:14:54.739 --> 01:14:57.779
had some deeper conversations. And even then,

01:14:58.399 --> 01:15:01.210
when I've shared my things with you, You have

01:15:01.210 --> 01:15:05.789
been such a ray of sunshine. Like seriously,

01:15:06.029 --> 01:15:12.670
that's who you are to me. You know, it's exactly

01:15:12.670 --> 01:15:17.489
what you said. Like what you tell people whenever

01:15:17.489 --> 01:15:20.609
they feel down. Like if you need someone to talk

01:15:20.609 --> 01:15:23.909
to, if you need five minutes of somebody's time

01:15:23.909 --> 01:15:29.310
to feel understood. You know, it's the same thing.

01:15:29.369 --> 01:15:32.449
I think it stems from the from the same thing

01:15:32.449 --> 01:15:36.489
that I know how hard it is. So I will always

01:15:36.489 --> 01:15:39.090
try to help because I know what it is to be alone

01:15:39.090 --> 01:15:41.010
because I was going through it alone. Nobody

01:15:41.010 --> 01:15:44.649
knew nobody until I called my mom. Nobody knew.

01:15:44.829 --> 01:15:47.430
And it also took a lot for me to call my mom

01:15:47.430 --> 01:15:52.810
and trust her that way. I get from from moving

01:15:52.810 --> 01:15:56.869
away from from a relationship where In my childhood,

01:15:56.949 --> 01:16:01.810
I was not allowed to show any emotion. I told

01:16:01.810 --> 01:16:05.390
her, if there is ever a moment when I need you

01:16:05.390 --> 01:16:10.909
to just come and just like, not even support

01:16:10.909 --> 01:16:14.449
me, but help me go through this and not cry,

01:16:15.189 --> 01:16:19.649
not be judgmental, this is the time. Because

01:16:19.649 --> 01:16:24.210
if you cannot do that, I don't know what's going

01:16:24.210 --> 01:16:27.479
to happen to me. Yeah. And I'm so grateful that

01:16:27.479 --> 01:16:30.260
she understood that, you know, because it helped

01:16:30.260 --> 01:16:32.319
a lot like healing our relationship and stuff

01:16:32.319 --> 01:16:34.899
like that, you know, like for her to be able

01:16:34.899 --> 01:16:38.699
to go past her emotions and not being, you know,

01:16:38.840 --> 01:16:41.739
so narcissist about whatever she's going through,

01:16:41.739 --> 01:16:45.420
you know, and make it about. Yeah. And that's

01:16:45.420 --> 01:16:48.199
amazing growth on her part, too. Yeah, I know.

01:16:48.279 --> 01:16:51.840
My mind has so much growth. Like, I'm happy to

01:16:51.840 --> 01:16:55.949
have been able to heal. that and and just like

01:16:55.949 --> 01:17:01.510
yeah because um speaking on the term like i'm

01:17:01.510 --> 01:17:04.329
i'm flabbergasted because i could never my mom

01:17:04.329 --> 01:17:07.869
would be the last person like i love my mom dearly

01:17:07.869 --> 01:17:10.390
she does not have the emotional intelligence

01:17:10.390 --> 01:17:16.770
or awareness to ever help me out she would sink

01:17:16.770 --> 01:17:21.010
me deeper You know, it's the same thing that

01:17:21.010 --> 01:17:22.729
I found. I mean, I don't want to assume everybody

01:17:22.729 --> 01:17:27.930
has their own whatever, but I discovered that

01:17:27.930 --> 01:17:32.250
being the Lulu sometimes and forcing that relationship,

01:17:32.449 --> 01:17:35.409
forcing that type of relationship you want to

01:17:35.409 --> 01:17:39.189
have onto them, even if it's uncomfortable, even

01:17:39.189 --> 01:17:41.729
if it doesn't feel like you, even if you like,

01:17:42.010 --> 01:17:45.729
why am I like hugging my dad? Like we've never

01:17:45.729 --> 01:17:48.890
done, our relationship is never like that. It's

01:17:48.890 --> 01:17:51.069
like forcing yourself to do it. The first time

01:17:51.069 --> 01:17:53.069
that I did that, it was awkward for the both

01:17:53.069 --> 01:17:57.710
of us. It's like two socially awkward penguins

01:17:57.710 --> 01:18:02.210
hugging each other with their little wings. Year

01:18:02.210 --> 01:18:06.810
after year, and every time I saw them, it actually

01:18:06.810 --> 01:18:11.869
did something. Over time, they felt comfortable

01:18:11.869 --> 01:18:16.510
to open themselves to me. and just like express

01:18:16.510 --> 01:18:19.010
their emotions as well because they were not

01:18:19.010 --> 01:18:23.010
taught to be like that. No, no, no. But it's

01:18:23.010 --> 01:18:25.649
something beautiful that happens when you allow

01:18:25.649 --> 01:18:29.529
people and you make the safe space for them to

01:18:29.529 --> 01:18:33.430
just try it, you know? Yeah, yeah. I believe

01:18:33.430 --> 01:18:37.770
there is. And I've been doing that with her for

01:18:37.770 --> 01:18:40.050
years. Like my mom went from the person that

01:18:40.050 --> 01:18:42.010
would never say I love you or give you a hug

01:18:42.010 --> 01:18:45.060
or compliments. Well, compliments she did do.

01:18:45.119 --> 01:18:49.000
She's a very thin person. Yeah. So but it was

01:18:49.000 --> 01:18:51.939
it was in the way of you're so pretty because

01:18:51.939 --> 01:18:53.840
you're my child. So you're my little trophy kind

01:18:53.840 --> 01:18:57.500
of thing. That's how it was. Same thing with

01:18:57.500 --> 01:18:59.760
my brother. My brother's so perfect because that's

01:18:59.760 --> 01:19:03.819
her child. Right. Like it was from that place.

01:19:04.939 --> 01:19:08.300
And she has had a growth because going from a

01:19:08.300 --> 01:19:10.899
person that never said I love you or her kids

01:19:10.899 --> 01:19:15.109
or anything like that. She hugs us, hugs her

01:19:15.109 --> 01:19:18.189
grandkids. I mean, she is very loving in that

01:19:18.189 --> 01:19:21.529
sense verbally and even physically. However,

01:19:21.850 --> 01:19:25.050
when you try to break down certain falls with

01:19:25.050 --> 01:19:27.930
her, because I've tried, that the Lulu states,

01:19:28.489 --> 01:19:33.369
oh yes, I'm the type that writes novels for them

01:19:33.369 --> 01:19:37.550
in birthday cards. Like I am telling them everything

01:19:37.550 --> 01:19:41.239
that they make me feel and more. like pouring

01:19:41.239 --> 01:19:45.600
and pouring and pouring into them and She'll

01:19:45.600 --> 01:19:49.300
appreciate that and love it but in the turn it's

01:19:49.300 --> 01:19:53.579
like Well, I'm happy that it's your birthday

01:19:53.579 --> 01:19:57.579
Happy birthday. I love you so much. You're you're

01:19:57.579 --> 01:19:59.819
so beautiful. You're this and that but that's

01:19:59.819 --> 01:20:03.739
it's very superficial devoid of emotions Know

01:20:03.739 --> 01:20:08.430
what I did? I bullied them into doing Maybe that's

01:20:08.430 --> 01:20:11.229
what I need to do. I don't know. I really like

01:20:11.229 --> 01:20:13.670
it from it from the experience It feels like

01:20:13.670 --> 01:20:15.550
I'm bullying them. But actually I gave them,

01:20:15.649 --> 01:20:17.810
you know those books where they have like prompts

01:20:17.810 --> 01:20:22.489
like to write I've given her that oh my god Yeah,

01:20:22.489 --> 01:20:24.609
I've been sitting on her bookcase for years.

01:20:24.670 --> 01:20:28.390
I feel I'm really then I'm I'm constantly calling

01:20:28.390 --> 01:20:31.409
them like in this sign yet to writing Get to

01:20:31.409 --> 01:20:33.529
writing. Yeah, I'm actually applying what they

01:20:33.529 --> 01:20:36.949
did when I was a child and it's so funny and

01:20:36.949 --> 01:20:42.250
in some ways it heals me, you know, or better

01:20:42.250 --> 01:20:48.270
than because Yeah, my dad is the lost cause but

01:20:48.270 --> 01:20:51.710
the best thing is a lost cause because I Never

01:20:51.710 --> 01:20:53.989
really grew up with them. So our relationship

01:20:53.989 --> 01:20:58.029
has always been awkward But he lives in another

01:20:58.029 --> 01:21:01.229
country so when we do talk He likes to keep it

01:21:01.229 --> 01:21:04.689
very positive, very, you know, yeah, sweet because

01:21:04.689 --> 01:21:07.590
we don't talk that often. So therefore it should

01:21:07.590 --> 01:21:10.810
always be on a positive note. Right. And when

01:21:10.810 --> 01:21:13.550
I do see him, he's great to talk to. He has a

01:21:13.550 --> 01:21:16.329
lot of good points of views and this and that.

01:21:16.829 --> 01:21:19.930
But do I really know the real him? Probably not.

01:21:20.350 --> 01:21:24.670
I know a curated version of him. Yeah. But my

01:21:24.670 --> 01:21:27.189
mom is the one that I spend more time with. Right.

01:21:27.250 --> 01:21:29.329
And my sister and my brother. Like my brother

01:21:29.329 --> 01:21:33.090
is very emotionally aware, very intelligent.

01:21:33.510 --> 01:21:36.810
I like to say that. It's because he has sisters

01:21:36.810 --> 01:21:40.909
only that he has been able to, you know, be OK

01:21:40.909 --> 01:21:43.430
with being vulnerable and expressing himself,

01:21:43.789 --> 01:21:48.170
which is funny because my older sister. Is not

01:21:48.170 --> 01:21:51.909
very vulnerable or expressive. She is with me,

01:21:52.109 --> 01:21:56.090
but I had like when we're alone. Not in front

01:21:56.090 --> 01:21:59.189
of other people or she's speaking. that with

01:21:59.189 --> 01:22:01.470
me she'll call me and tell me everything that's

01:22:01.470 --> 01:22:03.470
going on under the sun and I'm listening and

01:22:03.470 --> 01:22:06.069
listening giving her advice but if she would

01:22:06.069 --> 01:22:08.710
never speak like that in front of everybody else

01:22:08.710 --> 01:22:11.029
in front of everybody else she has this armor

01:22:11.029 --> 01:22:17.289
and always just the older sister yeah and my

01:22:17.289 --> 01:22:20.789
brother in the in his mindset he's like I'm the

01:22:20.789 --> 01:22:24.069
baby I'm the only boy like I'm who I am and I

01:22:24.069 --> 01:22:27.630
am he's never had an identity issue like He's

01:22:27.630 --> 01:22:31.270
always just been him, which is amazing. Love

01:22:31.270 --> 01:22:36.189
that for him. And then with my mom, it's just

01:22:36.189 --> 01:22:40.649
like you get to a certain point and a certain

01:22:40.649 --> 01:22:46.010
level and she refuses to dig deeper. Yeah. Is

01:22:46.010 --> 01:22:49.050
that an easy thing to do, you know? Yeah. And

01:22:49.050 --> 01:22:51.390
she has like shared, you know, I wasn't brought

01:22:51.390 --> 01:22:53.750
up like this. This is not something I can do

01:22:53.750 --> 01:22:56.439
comfortably. And I tell her, well, tell me one

01:22:56.439 --> 01:23:00.539
thing. Just just one. And then I'll ask her the

01:23:00.539 --> 01:23:03.039
next time. Remember when you said that? What

01:23:03.039 --> 01:23:05.460
do you mean? What did you mean by that? And she's

01:23:05.460 --> 01:23:09.359
like, I'm group timer now. And I'm like, OK,

01:23:10.020 --> 01:23:13.659
I know they will respond within just to be vulnerable

01:23:13.659 --> 01:23:17.060
sometimes just to just to let go of that control.

01:23:17.779 --> 01:23:20.979
Yeah, yeah. But going back to the question I

01:23:20.979 --> 01:23:24.369
did after you. Circling back. Circling back.

01:23:26.649 --> 01:23:29.710
I wanted to ask, because they're similar to the

01:23:29.710 --> 01:23:33.289
question you asked me, like, how did you become

01:23:33.289 --> 01:23:37.949
aware that, you know, you had that fear or that

01:23:37.949 --> 01:23:40.710
you felt those emotions about really sharing

01:23:40.710 --> 01:23:43.710
your thoughts or how people perceive you? Because

01:23:43.710 --> 01:23:45.569
I think it has a lot to do with that, too, like

01:23:45.569 --> 01:23:49.229
how people perceived you and your being uncomfortable

01:23:49.229 --> 01:23:53.029
with rocking that boat. Right you wanted to kind

01:23:53.029 --> 01:23:56.710
of fit into what they thought of you That's the

01:23:56.710 --> 01:23:58.770
only thing I can think of personally like if

01:23:58.770 --> 01:24:01.829
I've ever not shared my thoughts is because this

01:24:01.829 --> 01:24:05.409
is who they think I am so I'll let them think

01:24:05.409 --> 01:24:09.970
that I am that I ran out of candles