[Bright staccato synth music.] [ADAM] Hello, my name is Adam Grant Warren. I'm a playwright, an actor, and the Co-Artistic Director of Realwheels Theatre. [NATASHA] And I'm Natasha Nadir. I'm a director, a dramaturg, and a playwright. [ADAM] For those of you who are new to Realwheels, we're a disability-led company based in Vancouver, Canada. Our work in theater and performance creation explores the fullness and complexity of disability experience, identity, and community. [NATASHA] It's been our absolute pleasure to spend the last 10 weeks from September to December of 2024 with an incredible group of 10 emerging playwrights who identify with disability. Each week, we dug into ideas of character, story structure, and even creative process to bring excerpts of some really exciting plays in progress from the minds of these writers to your ears. [ADAM] Our Playwriting Circles have been around for a while, but this year we thought we'd try something new. For the first time in our history, we're sharing this work in podcast form, featuring original music and sound designed by the award-winning duo, Finka Wood. [NATASHA] With one excerpt per episode, you'll also hear the playwrights in conversation with us. We'll talk a little bit about what drew them to write their play and why the work feels important to them. [NATASHA] Without further ado, [ADAM] Welcome to Waveforms. [Music fades out.] [NATASHA] This week, I'm joining Kate McArthur in Toronto to talk about her play, Bonkers. Bonkers is a clown comedy in which Clown, who lives with depression and bipolar disorder, faces an appeals panel after being denied disability support. [STAGE DIRECTIONS] Facing the audience stands a single desk and chair. What appears to be a person dressed as a clown rushes through the door carrying a very large backpack, like one used for camping. [Heavy breathing, backpack plops down, unzips. Papers shuffling around.] [CLOWN] Whew! I'm right on time. See? I checked. I was terrified of being late. I always am. Terrified, not late. I thought about being early, but then I thought, "Can't be too early. That would be too crazy. And I can't be reasonably early, that would be too normal, and that won't help my case." And so I decided that "Right on time" was my best option. [Judge clears throat.] [CLOWN] What's that? Oh, yes. Sorry. Why am I here? [Clown clears their throat.] [CLOWN] Distinguished panel of judges, I am here for my Disability Support Program Appeal Hearing. November 17th at 1.30 p.m. I was denied Disability Support, and I am here to rectify the situation. My name is McClownington, comma, Clown. That's MC, not M-A-C. What's in the box? Oh! Splinter. [Rat squeaks.] [CLOWN] I just couldn't bear to leave him home. Plus, I need to give him his medicine at exactly the right time, and I called to try to reschedule this hearing, but the lady on the phone said it would be months from now, and I can't afford that. He sleeps most of the time. He didn't used to, but that's okay. [NATASHA] For people who don't really know about clown, can you tell us a little bit about it? [KATE] Yeah, absolutely. I'll begin by saying that I'm by no means an expert. I'm actually quite inexperienced when it comes to traditional clown training. I'd like to say that I'm a clown at heart. In university, we did a little bit of clown training. And I did a four-week clown, red nose specifically, clown training with Suzanne Roberts Smith, who is also my clown coach for this project. She is lovely and brilliant and wonderful, and she's helping me to learn about what it is like with the psychology of a clown, how they have this childlike wonder, how they pay attention to details, how they're incredibly attuned to the audience and what their reactions are. They're constantly in conversation with the audience and alive with them, and they're always wanting to play games. Like, everything is a game and can be kind of followed down, like a dog sniffing down a scent. Like what's the next game? [CLOWN] You want me to do what now? To take off my nose? I can't. It's my nose. [Clown honk.] [CLOWN] That's like me asking you to take off your ears. And this is an appeal hearing, nonetheless. Doesn't make much sense. How rude! I have an inkling that I may be being discriminated against because I am a clown. I don't think that you've assessed a clown before. There is nothing in the rules that say that a clown can't receive Disability Support, and I tried to apply. See? [STAGE DIRECTIONS] Clown holds up a few pages of forms where the answers are bright and elaborate drawings. [CLOWN] But you denied me, and I clearly need help! It's just that I feel like you might not understand what being a clown in this world is really about. Clowns are supposed to be joyful, unless you're a sad clown, or a creepy clown. It's okay to be a sad clown sometimes. I'm not sure if it's okay to be a creepy clown sometimes. Can you be creepy sometimes or is it an all the time kind of thing? You can definitely not be a happy clown all the time. I've tried. I really tried. You see, one time I was sad when I was a little clownling. Really sad. So sad. Mega sad. A kind of sad that makes you want to pop your last balloon if you know what I mean. [Balloon pops.] [CLOWN] Pull your last scarf rope, if you know what I mean. Hope for that gun that says B-A-N-G, really— [Toy gun pops.] [CLOWN] B-A-N-Gs, if you know what I mean. Anywhozle. The clown doctors knew that balloon animals, prat falls, not even prolonged eye contact with an audience would help my sads. So they gave me, da, da, da, da, happy pills! [Pill bottle shaking.] [CLOWN] 5 .8% of Clownadians are on them! That's over 1 in 20. That's like a person and an extra set of disembodied arms out of 20 fully limbed people. Was that ableist? Or was that disableist? In acknowledgement and appreciation of those with fewer than four limbs and those with more than four limbs, I apologize for my previous comment about disembodied limbs. That was inappropriate. I'm sorry. Golly. I'm sorry. [NATASHA] Kate, what was the inspiration for this play? [KATE] My inspiration is my lived experience with bipolar disorder. I was properly diagnosed seven years ago, and it takes a good amount of time to get the right kind of cocktail of treatment, as well as kind of figure out the ebbs and flows of the disorder. And through my experience of various treatments and coming to terms with identity and having this specific mental illness, I've done a lot of thinking and ruminating about that. And I found that the world of red nose clown in particular really illuminated my experience with it, how they can be really vulnerable and live in extremes. It reminds me of a exercise we did during commedia dell'arte training during university where we had to use our arms and we had to sweep them up and say: Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy! And get as happy as you possibly could. And then swing your arms down and say sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, and try to get as sad as you possibly could. And then just one day it clicked that I was like— "Oh, this feels like kind of like the roller coaster that sometimes bipolar disorder can feel like, bouncing from happy, happy, happy to sad, sad, sad." [CLOWN] I didn't sleep much last night. Nervous about my appeal hearing, you see. Sleep! There was something in these forms about ability to function, and that must include the ability to sleep, right? [STAGE DIRECTIONS] Clown holds up two forms with drawings all over them for everyone to see. [CLOWN] Exhibit A! You see, I have two clear images of me and my problems. See the moon? Nighttime. See my eyes? Open. Awake. See the sun? Daytime. See my eyes? Closed. Asleep. It couldn't be any clearer, but you clearly need more explanation. Sleep habits are a great example for why I am deserving of Disability Support. Exhibit B! [STAGE DIRECTIONS] Clown holds up a few more pieces of paper, this time with drawings of varying sizes of pieces of pie. [CLOWN] As these pie charts express, sometimes I sleep too much. [STAGE DIRECTIONS] Clown holds up a picture of a reasonably sized piece of pie labeled cherry pie. [CLOWN] This is how many hours the average person sleeps, typically. But you see, I'm not typical. I have a mood disorder. I have meds. Meds that make me drowsy. The typical amount of sleep I need is this much. [STAGE DIRECTIONS] Clown holds up a picture of half of a pie labeled "Coconut cream pie." [CLOWN] But that is on a good day. A stable day. Exhibit C! [STAGE DIRECTIONS] Clown holds up a chart which frankly makes no sense. It is mostly just scribbles on grid paper. [CLOWN] As this graph shows, sometimes I sleep too little. When I am manic, which hasn't happened to me since I started medication, or hypomanic, which happens to me occasionally, sometimes I just need this much sleep. Well, I don't just need it. I need more. But that's what I get. Sometimes I get a sliver of sleep. And when I am depressed? I get more sleep. Sleep crawls over me like toxic sludge. It rolls over me like fog. It drowns me in its tide. And I fight it. I do. I try to go to bed earlier and earlier or pull myself out of bed before noon, but with sludge in my veins and fog in my head… I just can't do it sometimes. Other times, I can't get out of bed because of the crushing anxiety. The thoughts that come into my head wrap me up and tie me down. I feel like Harry Houdini all chained up and underwater. And then the thoughts keep coming. "You're not good enough." "If you get up, you'll have to do a million meaningless tasks. But wait, you won't be able to do any of them because you're honking useless." "All your friends hate you, or worse, they don't even care enough to hate you. They simply don't care. They never call or text or check up on you." "You've had so many opportunities to prove your quality, but you've only been mediocre at best." "You're a nothing." "You're wasting resources in a depleted world." "You're a burden." "It would be so much easier if it just stopped." So, you see, my illness requires treatment. Both my illness and my treatment cause me to sleep more than the average clown, and my intrusive thoughts are... [Phone alarm beeps.] [CLOWN] Oh, it's time to give Splinter his medicine. He gives me a reason to get out of bed. He calms me down when I'm upset. [Pill bottle cap pops off.] [CLOWN] He's kind of an emotional support animal, though he's not registered or anything. [Rat squeaks.] [CLOWN] My little ratty boy. He's funny, but he doesn't do so many funny things anymore. He used to hop around and hide under his cage and steal my socks. You see, he's two and a half years old. You may not know this, but that's pretty old for a pet rat. [baby talk voice] He's my little senior baby old man rat boy. He is a rat who lives by his own means. Come on, Splinter. Come on out and meet everyone! Pspspspspspspsps Sorry, he's being shy. I understand that. That happens to me too. I get shy. Unexpected for a clown, but it's true. [NATASHA] You have decided your audience is going to be this panel that the clown is appealing to. Do you want to talk a little bit more about that? [KATE] Yeah. I know that there's a point in the disability process where you can get to a live in-person interaction. This is next time my research is getting the actual legitimate experience of what it's like to go through that process. This is more of an imaginative experience of what it would be like. But there's a lot of roadblocks I have noticed. And those I have spoken to with the application process while having a disability, it can be incredibly challenging. And so I want to kind of highlight the challenges along the way to support for those who are living with disability. [CLOWN] No, no! I'm sorry. Don't hold me in contempt of court or anything! The paperwork said I could bring a friend along with me as long as they're not disruptive! He's funny and he steals socks, but he's not disruptive. [Rat squeaks.] [CLOWN] Please, let me finish. There's a point even. You see, I probably haven't been the perfect rat parent, but I've tried my best. And I'm committing one of the biggest rat sins right now. Splinter is alone. [Rat squeaks.] [CLOWN] You see, rats shouldn't be alone. Rats need companionship with other rats. They're smart and clean and social. They can't thrive alone. And now my poor senior grown man baby is all alone. And I feel so guilty. I think he's depressed. They're not meant to be alone. When people are alone, they get depressed. And sometimes when people are depressed, they become alone. They kind of burrow into a couch or a bed and stay there for a week or two or five, and the world keeps moving and forgets that they ever existed. Friends don't call. You have to stop working. You start gathering dust. Makes you wonder what the point was in the first place. If no one notices you're gone, then what's the point of being there? But then you remember you have a pet rat. [Rat squeaks.] [CLOWN] And he needs you. So, instead of gathering dust, you get up and you feed him and you try to pet him, which he doesn't always allow. Like I said, rat of his own means. But sometimes he will let you touch his soft gray fur and his slinky, scaly tail, and the world kind of stops. A little creature needs me and I need him. He's my emotional support little man rat baby. I need to support myself and him because he supports me. Why do I let him be alone if it's not good for him? You think I'm being irresponsible? No. I don't know what else to do. If I get another rat, then when Splinter dies, that new rat will be alone. And then I'll need to get a new rat for that rat, and then a new rat for that rat, and then on and on for eternity. It's an endless cycle of rats, and I just can't guarantee that I'll be able to keep up with the upkeep and the potential costs for eternity. I worry about it all the time. I'm actually being quite responsible because he doesn't like new rats and he hates change. So I'm engaging with him as much as I can, and when he doesn't want to engage, I just sit with him and keep him company. I don't want him to think that he's alone. Even if he's lonely, he's not alone. And when a rat passes, you can tell. The whole dynamic of the cage changes, and there's just this void. The absence is felt. I need to remember this when I feel down. When I am lonely and sleepy and, well, hopeless, my absence would be felt too. Even though friends are busy and might not check up on me, if they knew I was gone, my absence would be felt. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. So, Your Honors, Splinter is here because he reminds me it's okay to be alive and I need his support. And I thought if you saw how in need we are, it might inspire you to offer us your support. [baby talk voice] Pwetty, pwetty, pweeease help us out. We's just a widdle mentawy ill clown and their ickle depressed wat. [Rat squeaks, Judge clears throat.] [CLOWN, normal voice] That wasn't as charming as it was in my head. I'm sorry. Again, can I please have the next question? [NATASHA] Your intention is to perform this yourself as a solo piece. What would you like to be illuminated to an audience after a performance? [KATE] I'm hoping that an audience will leave with a more nuanced understanding of mental illness. That people who have lived experience can live good, happy, functional lives, and sometimes they're really suffering and do need support. And that sometimes that can shift from day to the next. I hope that those with lived experience feel represented and those who have people that they love who have lived experience with mental illness will understand a bit more and that those that are holding on to stigmas might learn and let go of that a bit. I'm really hoping that it'll be educational as well as walk the tightrope of heartbreaking and heartwarming. [Bright staccato synth music fades in.] [ADAM] Thanks for listening to Waveforms. For a full list of our cast and crew, check out the episode description. [NATASHA] Waveforms was produced by Realwheels Theatre with the cooperation of the Union of BC performers. A special thank you to our funders, the Canada Council for the Arts, the Province of British Columbia, the City of Vancouver, and the Hamber Foundation. [ADAM] If you like what you heard, please drop us a rating and a review on the podcast platform of your choice. It really helps new listeners to find us. [NATASHA] See you next week. [Music fades out.]