Hi. Do you find yourself yelling about bathrooms
like they're a forbidden portal? Do rainbow flags
make you foam at the mouth? Does someone else's
fashionable expression feel like a personal attack?
Oh my gosh, you're wearing that? No wonder nobody
respects you. Uh, yeah, I just pulled you from
a burning building and I'm actually a US military
sergeant. If you find yourself experiencing these
symptoms, you may be suffering from strategic
fear amplified by religious talk and scapegoating,
also known as SFARTS. SFARTS. A condition triggered whenever
politicians distract you with culture war soundbites
instead of releasing their encyclopedia of criminal
records. Luckily, there's a revolutionary mouthwash
called Ther-A-Facts. A treatment that detoxifies
your brain from fear - mongering soundbites. Unlike
picketing outside donut shops over pronouns,
Ther-A-Facts, actually helps and has been shown
to increase your quality of life by not taking
yourself so seriously. Side effects may include
realizing that some politicians exploit the same
psychological dynamics of abusive relationships
like manipulation and gaslighting, shifting blame
and scapegoating to distract you from their crimes.
instilling fear with fun words like factory,
religion, immigrants, and us versus them. Love
bombing and threats like you're the chosen one,
the real Americans, real people. Isolating you.
The media and everyone else is lying to you.
Only I tell you the truth. Using the word left
and right like they just discovered directions.
In clinical trials, patients reported whistling
while grocery shopping, drinking more water because
apparently that's a thing. the immense regret
of joining or supporting an ISIS -like group
called ICE that kidnaps U .S. citizens and people
of color while calling it patriotic. Uncontrollable
toe tapping while playing air guitar and belting
I will survive, using the word fabulous, setting
boundaries without apologizing first. the epiphany
of using critical thinking skills and realizing
potholes don't get fixed by yelling at rat queens
apologizing to grandma for using mustard to write
the word radical on her kitchen table when she
asked if you wanted milk with your coffee you
may also experience accidental washboard apps
from a thing called laughter the shocking realization
that the use of a toilet is not a national crisis
no longer shouting radical at squirrels for planting
you a tree The worst side effect that has been
reported is knowing things will take time to
solve. But it starts with voting with your dollars.
Talk to your doctor today about breaking free
from sparts. Because joy isn't dangerous, but
politicians using trans lives and people of color
as props definitely is. This message is brought
to you by the Society of Grandma's Kitchen Tables,
reminding you it knows all your secrets.