WEBVTT 00:00:12.519 --> 00:00:16.320 So let me just take this time to sum up basically 00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:19.620 what I've been saying throughout the series. 00:00:19.820 --> 00:00:21.640 If you've been paying attention, then you should 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:23.980 have a clear picture of what I think, anyways, 00:00:24.239 --> 00:00:28.699 is a real man. A man is someone who... knows 00:00:28.699 --> 00:00:31.239 themselves and honors it by being true to who 00:00:31.239 --> 00:00:33.700 they are, which means they don't play the game 00:00:33.700 --> 00:00:36.060 of living according to other standards or comparing 00:00:36.060 --> 00:00:40.380 themselves to others. No, men have matured beyond 00:00:40.380 --> 00:00:42.479 that and now have a clear sense of themselves, 00:00:42.799 --> 00:00:46.020 their purpose, their part in society, and they 00:00:46.020 --> 00:00:49.259 just live it fully every day. Because they're 00:00:49.259 --> 00:00:51.079 secure in themselves, they don't dismiss or put 00:00:51.079 --> 00:00:53.560 others down. They don't feel a need to. They're 00:00:53.560 --> 00:00:56.619 willing to listen and empathize, but also able 00:00:56.619 --> 00:00:59.759 to confront. those when they need to be confronted. 00:01:00.840 --> 00:01:04.799 This probably sounds bland because it is. There's 00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:07.840 nothing special about being a man, like nothing 00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:10.459 necessarily exciting about it. It's just a person 00:01:10.459 --> 00:01:12.959 living their life. And that's the point. We don't 00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:15.319 need to be looking for anything special as some 00:01:15.319 --> 00:01:19.180 exemplar of a man. Understood in the way that 00:01:19.180 --> 00:01:21.799 I'm suggesting, we can see that there are a lot 00:01:21.799 --> 00:01:25.239 of good men around us, ones that we, you know, 00:01:25.239 --> 00:01:28.629 seem to overlook every day. It's the guy who 00:01:28.629 --> 00:01:30.969 has a group of close -knit friends and have a 00:01:30.969 --> 00:01:34.069 shared love of Dungeons and Dragons or Magic 00:01:34.069 --> 00:01:36.650 the Gathering and get together once a month to 00:01:36.650 --> 00:01:39.950 get into full -blown costume, geek mode, whatever, 00:01:40.209 --> 00:01:44.450 and just have that community and be there to 00:01:44.450 --> 00:01:46.930 support one another, right? It's the father who 00:01:46.930 --> 00:01:50.010 likes to make terrible dad jokes and prides himself 00:01:50.010 --> 00:01:53.109 in being able to elicit eye rolls from his kids 00:01:53.109 --> 00:01:56.090 each time, right? It's the community leader that 00:01:56.090 --> 00:01:59.010 doesn't have much themselves, but uses his time 00:01:59.010 --> 00:02:02.969 and energy to organize events where people can 00:02:02.969 --> 00:02:06.390 get together to meet and connect and to build 00:02:06.390 --> 00:02:09.270 community. It's the teacher that loves nothing 00:02:09.270 --> 00:02:11.930 more than to see his elementary school kids line 00:02:11.930 --> 00:02:14.569 up before class each morning. It's the guy waking 00:02:14.569 --> 00:02:16.569 up at the ice crack of dawn to pick up our trash, 00:02:16.789 --> 00:02:20.150 even though he hates his job. But the job allows 00:02:20.150 --> 00:02:23.289 him to build the kind of life that fits him. 00:02:24.340 --> 00:02:27.659 Most of the men in our lives go about their day 00:02:27.659 --> 00:02:32.860 not being bitches, but we seem to, as a society, 00:02:33.039 --> 00:02:36.460 focus on these insecure -ass bitches that are 00:02:36.460 --> 00:02:39.580 constantly making themselves out to be some exemplar 00:02:39.580 --> 00:02:43.020 of manhood, trying to be something in the public 00:02:43.020 --> 00:02:46.500 eye, like some kind of an example of what it 00:02:46.500 --> 00:02:48.219 is that men should be striving for. Or maybe 00:02:48.219 --> 00:02:51.360 this is just something that a lot of dumbasses 00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:54.569 are putting... out there as a good example, right? 00:02:55.090 --> 00:02:58.729 And I just want to say, fuck these bitches. Look, 00:02:58.949 --> 00:03:02.229 I'm not expecting anyone to be perfect by any 00:03:02.229 --> 00:03:05.250 means. Being a man doesn't mean that you don't 00:03:05.250 --> 00:03:09.189 have any bitch in you, but it does mean that 00:03:09.189 --> 00:03:12.250 you acknowledge the bitch in you and do something 00:03:12.250 --> 00:03:16.020 about it, right? Like, my own dad is actually 00:03:16.020 --> 00:03:18.240 a good example of this, right? My relationship 00:03:18.240 --> 00:03:21.400 with him has gone through the ringer. In my early 00:03:21.400 --> 00:03:24.199 years, he was fairly authoritarian in the way 00:03:24.199 --> 00:03:27.099 that he ran the house. He was very, very strict, 00:03:27.259 --> 00:03:31.120 all the way up to probably late elementary years 00:03:31.120 --> 00:03:35.340 for me. I hated him for it. I was, as you can 00:03:35.340 --> 00:03:37.439 imagine, not someone who liked to be told what 00:03:37.439 --> 00:03:42.099 to do. I responded to reason. So if you gave 00:03:42.099 --> 00:03:44.080 me a good reason, then I might be convinced and 00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:47.060 then, you know, change my attitude. But my dad, 00:03:47.240 --> 00:03:51.400 at least from a young boy's perspective, had 00:03:51.400 --> 00:03:54.419 terrible reasons. So I would get mad and talk 00:03:54.419 --> 00:03:57.699 back a lot, which just led to my getting disciplined 00:03:57.699 --> 00:04:01.060 even more. He was heavy handed with a stick, 00:04:01.080 --> 00:04:04.360 with making me hold up heavy objects for a long 00:04:04.360 --> 00:04:07.400 period, locking me out of the house, all kinds 00:04:07.400 --> 00:04:10.330 of methods for disciplining. Later on, I learned 00:04:10.330 --> 00:04:13.550 that he got some bad advice, that he had to be 00:04:13.550 --> 00:04:15.750 very strict because I was the oldest kid and 00:04:15.750 --> 00:04:18.910 my siblings, well, in this case, I don't have 00:04:18.910 --> 00:04:21.110 one, but, you know, my sibling would follow in 00:04:21.110 --> 00:04:23.589 my footsteps. So it was important that I, you 00:04:23.589 --> 00:04:26.850 know, that he spent extra time and energy disciplining 00:04:26.850 --> 00:04:31.240 me. But I also imagine much of this, like his 00:04:31.240 --> 00:04:33.279 disciplining ways, was just similar to how he 00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:36.160 was raised, right? I met my grandfather on my 00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:40.000 dad's side. I spent a lot of time with them during 00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:43.660 the later years of my grandfather's life. And 00:04:43.660 --> 00:04:45.899 from the little I do remember of him, he was 00:04:45.899 --> 00:04:48.920 very much like my dad. I used to be scared of 00:04:48.920 --> 00:04:54.560 him as a kid. comes off as like a military personnel 00:04:54.560 --> 00:04:57.879 or something. But it turned out he didn't actually 00:04:57.879 --> 00:05:00.420 tend to be that and just gave off that vibe, 00:05:00.500 --> 00:05:04.100 right? But as our family fell deeper and deeper 00:05:04.100 --> 00:05:06.540 into poverty, I just began to lose all respect 00:05:06.540 --> 00:05:09.180 for him. I began to question his authority. I'm 00:05:09.180 --> 00:05:11.920 talking about my dad here. Not because he didn't 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:14.079 have any money, but because he seemed to prioritize 00:05:14.079 --> 00:05:17.759 the church. He was a pastor and all these other 00:05:17.759 --> 00:05:20.180 obligations over providing for his family. And 00:05:20.180 --> 00:05:23.620 so I rebelled a lot. yelled, slammed doors, broke 00:05:23.620 --> 00:05:27.040 stuff. At one point, I straight up just slapped 00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:32.019 my dad. When I realized what I had done, I'm 00:05:32.019 --> 00:05:34.459 talking about the slap, I thought I would have 00:05:34.459 --> 00:05:37.240 to physically fight for my life, defend myself, 00:05:37.560 --> 00:05:40.060 but my dad actually didn't respond the way that 00:05:40.060 --> 00:05:42.519 I thought. He just quietly walked away. He didn't 00:05:42.519 --> 00:05:46.160 want to show me how he actually felt, but this 00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:50.120 was late at night. I just caught him. sobbing, 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:52.560 praying, wondering what he was doing wrong, asking 00:05:52.560 --> 00:05:55.439 God for forgiveness, for guidance. He just looked 00:05:55.439 --> 00:05:59.560 broken and in pain. But here's the thing. Even 00:05:59.560 --> 00:06:01.459 after this incident, he didn't stop confronting 00:06:01.459 --> 00:06:04.860 me when I was out of line. Like, he stopped being 00:06:04.860 --> 00:06:07.319 heavy -handed. I think at some point he realized 00:06:07.319 --> 00:06:10.519 that that wasn't effective, that that wasn't 00:06:10.519 --> 00:06:15.120 really doing much for me. I think he regretted 00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:18.560 it quite a bit. But he didn't hesitate to disagree 00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:21.819 with me when he thought that I was off track, 00:06:21.939 --> 00:06:24.300 right? I guess we had that kind of relationship. 00:06:24.439 --> 00:06:27.560 We did always argue about theology and philosophy 00:06:27.560 --> 00:06:31.500 and politics. But I think at some point in high 00:06:31.500 --> 00:06:34.240 school, he fell into depression. I don't think 00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:36.920 he realized he was depressed. I'm not sure if 00:06:36.920 --> 00:06:39.399 he'll ever admit to me today that he was depressed. 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:43.300 He just withdrew from life, from all kinds of 00:06:43.300 --> 00:06:46.579 stuff. kind of left on my own to raise myself. 00:06:47.160 --> 00:06:50.939 I didn't realize it then, but it's actually when 00:06:50.939 --> 00:06:53.600 he withdrew that I felt the most hurt, the most 00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:57.160 alone, the most abandoned. As much as I fought 00:06:57.160 --> 00:07:00.199 against him, I realize now just how important 00:07:00.199 --> 00:07:02.540 it was that he actually tried, he made the effort 00:07:02.540 --> 00:07:06.139 to try to get through to me, that it was a way 00:07:06.139 --> 00:07:10.379 of showing that he still cared. Once he was in 00:07:10.379 --> 00:07:12.579 a better place, years after I left college and 00:07:12.579 --> 00:07:15.649 after He had made some major changes to his own 00:07:15.649 --> 00:07:17.750 life. We were able to have more like adult to 00:07:17.750 --> 00:07:20.930 adult conversations. And it was then that he 00:07:20.930 --> 00:07:23.610 formally apologized to me for all the ways in 00:07:23.610 --> 00:07:25.689 which he fell short, the ways he wasn't able 00:07:25.689 --> 00:07:29.269 to be there for me. I mean, by then I was in 00:07:29.269 --> 00:07:32.689 a very different place. And I personally, having 00:07:32.689 --> 00:07:35.149 gone through therapy myself and just working 00:07:35.149 --> 00:07:37.110 on myself in all kinds of ways, I had already 00:07:37.110 --> 00:07:42.120 forgiven him for the most part. Still, hearing 00:07:42.120 --> 00:07:44.360 him say it out loud meant something to me. It 00:07:44.360 --> 00:07:48.160 meant something for how I viewed him as a man, 00:07:48.240 --> 00:07:51.579 not just as a dad, but just as a man. I'm saying 00:07:51.579 --> 00:07:53.720 all this because, look, no one is perfect. Everyone 00:07:53.720 --> 00:07:57.540 makes mistakes and leaves a trail of damage behind 00:07:57.540 --> 00:08:04.040 them. I've never met a man that didn't have some 00:08:04.040 --> 00:08:06.620 things in their own past that they were like, 00:08:06.699 --> 00:08:10.220 man, I screwed up real bad. And I acknowledge 00:08:10.220 --> 00:08:12.639 the kind of lasting impact that I've had on my 00:08:12.639 --> 00:08:16.139 kids, on the people around me, on friends, on, 00:08:16.360 --> 00:08:20.220 you know, significant others. And the thing is, 00:08:20.220 --> 00:08:22.699 I never faulted my dad for any of that. I was 00:08:22.699 --> 00:08:27.220 angry with them, hurt, frustrated. But I figured 00:08:27.220 --> 00:08:31.579 out early on in my own, you know, development 00:08:31.579 --> 00:08:35.200 that adults are still humans and humans are all 00:08:35.200 --> 00:08:39.490 flawed, right? But I also never respected adults 00:08:39.490 --> 00:08:41.529 just for being adults, right? Like, just because 00:08:41.529 --> 00:08:45.090 you were of a certain age didn't mean that I 00:08:45.090 --> 00:08:48.690 respected you. And it wasn't until I saw that 00:08:48.690 --> 00:08:51.210 my dad was capable of acknowledging his wrongs, 00:08:51.210 --> 00:08:54.350 taking responsibility for his actions, and just 00:08:54.350 --> 00:08:57.909 being open and honest about all of it, right, 00:08:57.970 --> 00:09:01.669 that I began to respect him. And I think I saw 00:09:01.669 --> 00:09:04.870 then what it is I was really looking for. I wasn't 00:09:04.870 --> 00:09:08.149 looking for anyone to be perfect. I was looking 00:09:08.149 --> 00:09:12.809 for those who had made mistakes to just acknowledge 00:09:12.809 --> 00:09:17.409 it, to be honest about it. I imagine a lot of 00:09:17.409 --> 00:09:19.049 the times when people were frustrated with me 00:09:19.049 --> 00:09:22.610 and anger with me or just didn't have any respect 00:09:22.610 --> 00:09:24.889 for me, it was probably in those moments when 00:09:24.889 --> 00:09:28.549 I was in denial. I was trying to escape responsibility. 00:09:29.690 --> 00:09:32.730 Wanting to not acknowledge my part or the wrong 00:09:32.730 --> 00:09:36.970 that I've done or the bitch in me. Seeing my 00:09:36.970 --> 00:09:40.330 dad as a real man was honestly never about seeing 00:09:40.330 --> 00:09:44.070 him as perfect or capable. I mean, he often lacked 00:09:44.070 --> 00:09:47.850 in all sorts of ways. It was about seeing him 00:09:47.850 --> 00:09:52.210 as someone who was able to take the time to look 00:09:52.210 --> 00:09:55.250 inward, had that courage to just acknowledge 00:09:55.250 --> 00:09:58.629 those hard truths about himself. Start to take 00:09:58.629 --> 00:10:02.529 responsibility for all of it, the good, the bad, 00:10:02.549 --> 00:10:07.409 the ugly. And for me, that's all it meant for 00:10:07.409 --> 00:10:12.409 him to just not be a bitch. So, you know, I doubt 00:10:12.409 --> 00:10:14.409 my dad will ever listen to any of this, but dad, 00:10:14.490 --> 00:10:18.529 I want you to know that, you know, I know you 00:10:18.529 --> 00:10:20.450 haven't learned English after all these years 00:10:20.450 --> 00:10:23.230 and probably won't understand any of this. But 00:10:23.230 --> 00:10:26.389 I just want to thank you because of you that, 00:10:26.490 --> 00:10:28.889 you know, I'm... Probably not as big of a bitch 00:10:28.889 --> 00:10:34.370 as I probably could have been. Look, I'm not 00:10:34.370 --> 00:10:38.070 an expert on men or masculinity. I'm just one 00:10:38.070 --> 00:10:40.450 person with an opinion. Pop them off at the mouth 00:10:40.450 --> 00:10:44.009 because that's just kind of how I'm wired. Don't 00:10:44.009 --> 00:10:46.570 hear what I'm saying as my presenting you with 00:10:46.570 --> 00:10:49.629 some undeniable truth. I'm sharing what I think 00:10:49.629 --> 00:10:51.370 and hoping that it gives you food for thought. 00:10:51.490 --> 00:10:54.009 And maybe if you'd like to reach out, we could 00:10:54.009 --> 00:10:59.500 have a conversation about it. You know, talk 00:10:59.500 --> 00:11:02.720 about where we might disagree, where we do disagree, 00:11:02.980 --> 00:11:07.200 maybe help each other gain some insight. But 00:11:07.200 --> 00:11:09.500 I would hope that you're not you wouldn't be 00:11:09.500 --> 00:11:12.259 a bitch and just be dismissive, just as I wouldn't 00:11:12.259 --> 00:11:15.320 want myself to be dismissive of anything that 00:11:15.320 --> 00:11:19.559 you had to say. Although knowing myself, I probably 00:11:19.559 --> 00:11:22.940 will be. And so you could check me if I am. If 00:11:22.940 --> 00:11:25.559 you want. We could just go down a list of people 00:11:25.559 --> 00:11:29.279 that we both know and play the game. Is he a 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:32.080 bitch or not? And we can have a discussion as 00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:35.159 to why. The point is that bitches are bitches 00:11:35.159 --> 00:11:38.320 for a reason. Not just because I dislike them. 00:11:38.759 --> 00:11:41.700 So we can have a productive conversation about 00:11:41.700 --> 00:11:47.639 it. There's something about this idea that we 00:11:47.639 --> 00:11:50.600 can identify and have a clear standard for what 00:11:50.600 --> 00:11:53.299 makes somebody a bitch. And we could evaluate 00:11:53.299 --> 00:11:57.100 a person's life under these terms and have an 00:11:57.100 --> 00:11:59.600 honest discussion about it, not to put people 00:11:59.600 --> 00:12:02.840 down, but to call people out to be more honest, 00:12:03.059 --> 00:12:06.440 especially with themselves, but especially with 00:12:06.440 --> 00:12:10.059 the general public so that we don't allow people 00:12:10.059 --> 00:12:13.860 to just stay in living their life in this lie. 00:12:15.000 --> 00:12:17.980 So if you're up for it, I'm here. Let's go. Join 00:12:17.980 --> 00:12:21.809 the Discord. As I've been harping on again and 00:12:21.809 --> 00:12:24.909 again, we do need men to step up to be role models 00:12:24.909 --> 00:12:27.970 in the community. There are many ways we can 00:12:27.970 --> 00:12:31.269 do this. It's not anything grand. I mean, I give 00:12:31.269 --> 00:12:33.049 you some examples of who I think are men, and 00:12:33.049 --> 00:12:34.990 what you'll find is that their lives seem to 00:12:34.990 --> 00:12:38.090 be fairly insignificant insofar as they're not 00:12:38.090 --> 00:12:41.450 doing anything that kind of stands out in any 00:12:41.450 --> 00:12:46.230 particular way. And so I'll just list some options. 00:12:46.269 --> 00:12:47.909 I think this is some of the things that they're 00:12:47.909 --> 00:12:50.559 doing in their life. Maybe you could add to the 00:12:50.559 --> 00:12:52.860 list. You could maybe throw in your own suggestions, 00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:57.840 right? First, I think we all need to be vocal 00:12:57.840 --> 00:13:01.559 about calling out bitches and live out the life 00:13:01.559 --> 00:13:05.360 of a recovering bitch, right? If you acknowledge 00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:09.919 your own mistakes, the things that you're responsible 00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:12.419 for, the things that you need to do better, start 00:13:12.419 --> 00:13:16.399 living as somebody who really, truly acknowledges 00:13:16.399 --> 00:13:20.000 and does something to make it right. And part 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:21.779 of that, I think, is going to be to make sure 00:13:21.779 --> 00:13:23.879 that we're all on the same page about what it 00:13:23.879 --> 00:13:27.039 means to be a bitch. And so it might require 00:13:27.039 --> 00:13:29.440 you to just actually start speaking a little 00:13:29.440 --> 00:13:32.299 bit more about it, because that's the thing. 00:13:32.379 --> 00:13:36.419 Like, you can try to look at other people and 00:13:36.419 --> 00:13:39.100 what they're doing, see the response that others 00:13:39.100 --> 00:13:41.379 give, and then try to mimic and try to figure 00:13:41.379 --> 00:13:44.600 out what makes somebody a bitch or not. But it 00:13:44.600 --> 00:13:47.179 also really helps to have conversations to give. 00:13:47.820 --> 00:13:50.539 something to really think about, to reflect on. 00:13:54.539 --> 00:13:57.840 You need to be an example yourself of somebody 00:13:57.840 --> 00:14:01.000 who is a recovering bitch, like somebody who 00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:06.460 can identify their own bitch -assetry. And then 00:14:06.460 --> 00:14:08.960 because you can see it in yourself, you can see 00:14:08.960 --> 00:14:10.980 when others are up to that sort of shit, right? 00:14:11.860 --> 00:14:14.320 If you see little boys being a bitch by bullying 00:14:14.320 --> 00:14:17.879 another kid or... Boys being inappropriate with 00:14:17.879 --> 00:14:23.759 girls. We need to just call out the bitch behavior 00:14:23.759 --> 00:14:28.000 that these boys are engaging in. We can't stay 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:34.139 silent. That is like the silence itself, I think, 00:14:34.179 --> 00:14:37.320 is telling, is communicating something, is communicating 00:14:37.320 --> 00:14:40.779 something to the general public that we are accepting 00:14:40.779 --> 00:14:43.279 of this sort of behavior, this sort of bitch 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:48.429 assetry, right? And give yourself the standing 00:14:48.429 --> 00:14:52.129 to call it out by, you know, making something 00:14:52.129 --> 00:14:54.570 of your life. Like, stop being a bitch, right? 00:14:54.649 --> 00:14:58.230 Like, it starts with yourself, right? Like, live 00:14:58.230 --> 00:15:00.509 out the life of somebody who is trying not to 00:15:00.509 --> 00:15:02.629 be such a bitch, and then it gives you the kind 00:15:02.629 --> 00:15:04.269 of position to be able to speak on this sort 00:15:04.269 --> 00:15:07.570 of thing, right? Here's a recent example, right? 00:15:07.629 --> 00:15:10.250 After some health scares, like, I've been trying 00:15:10.250 --> 00:15:12.370 to get my health back on track. I was struggling 00:15:12.370 --> 00:15:15.399 and thought... Oh, from a friend. He actually 00:15:15.399 --> 00:15:18.759 gave me some good advice, but he also pointed 00:15:18.759 --> 00:15:22.940 something out that was like, I think a real food 00:15:22.940 --> 00:15:25.419 for thought and a motivator. He just pointed 00:15:25.419 --> 00:15:27.519 out that maybe I was just being a bitch, right? 00:15:27.620 --> 00:15:30.279 Like making excuses for why it is that I was 00:15:30.279 --> 00:15:32.139 not able to get my health back on track. Because 00:15:32.139 --> 00:15:35.120 the reality is like, at least for most people, 00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:38.259 unless you have some particular like reason, 00:15:38.419 --> 00:15:41.360 you know. Taking care of your health is fairly 00:15:41.360 --> 00:15:43.360 simple, right? Like eating right, exercising, 00:15:43.539 --> 00:15:46.860 moving around, right? You know, abstaining from 00:15:46.860 --> 00:15:49.200 things that are harmful to your body, getting 00:15:49.200 --> 00:15:52.639 decent quality sleep, right? Valuing it, prioritizing 00:15:52.639 --> 00:15:56.539 it. And so like, you know, he was pointing out 00:15:56.539 --> 00:15:58.059 like, hey, maybe you're just being a bitch and 00:15:58.059 --> 00:16:00.000 just not doing the things that you should, you 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:01.960 know, you should be doing, right? Like, and that's 00:16:01.960 --> 00:16:04.960 all I need to hear. I was being a bitch. I had 00:16:04.960 --> 00:16:07.519 to acknowledge that I was making these excuses, 00:16:07.659 --> 00:16:10.289 that there are things that I... definitely could 00:16:10.289 --> 00:16:12.710 have done that I wasn't doing. And, you know, 00:16:12.730 --> 00:16:15.909 I was, for whatever reason, trying to get away 00:16:15.909 --> 00:16:18.309 with not having to do those things, right? So 00:16:18.309 --> 00:16:22.250 it helps. Like, I understand that there's a lot 00:16:22.250 --> 00:16:25.950 of people who don't like hearing, you know, who 00:16:25.950 --> 00:16:28.529 don't like being called out, right? But I need, 00:16:28.669 --> 00:16:31.490 I want a culture where we acknowledge that calling 00:16:31.490 --> 00:16:34.149 each other out is not meant to necessarily put 00:16:34.149 --> 00:16:39.629 each other down. It's a way of helping you Like 00:16:39.629 --> 00:16:41.990 forcing you, pushing you, encouraging you to 00:16:41.990 --> 00:16:43.950 just be honest with yourself so that you could 00:16:43.950 --> 00:16:46.730 live a better life for yourself and for the people 00:16:46.730 --> 00:16:51.269 around you, right? Like create a culture of properly 00:16:51.269 --> 00:16:53.710 identifying where the real bitches are and then 00:16:53.710 --> 00:16:57.690 helping people to see that you could just work 00:16:57.690 --> 00:17:02.409 on not being a bitch. Second, I think you could 00:17:02.409 --> 00:17:04.750 help yourself. Like I've said, like even if you 00:17:04.750 --> 00:17:07.250 have people supporting you, you need to find 00:17:07.250 --> 00:17:10.009 a way to help yourself. Like, if you've ever 00:17:10.009 --> 00:17:12.569 had experience with an addict, you learned that 00:17:12.569 --> 00:17:14.849 you can't save them, right? You can't, you can 00:17:14.849 --> 00:17:17.390 support them the best way you can without enabling 00:17:17.390 --> 00:17:19.789 them, right? But you can't save them. Like, we 00:17:19.789 --> 00:17:23.769 can't save people from being a bitch. Like, if 00:17:23.769 --> 00:17:26.329 they're bent on being a bitch, they're going 00:17:26.329 --> 00:17:29.849 to be a bitch. They have to find a way. Whoops. 00:17:30.089 --> 00:17:34.250 They have to find a way to work out of it themselves. 00:17:34.410 --> 00:17:37.490 Like, there's just no other way. Now you can 00:17:37.490 --> 00:17:39.930 be there as a friend to support them, to help 00:17:39.930 --> 00:17:41.490 them, to encourage them. You could do all the 00:17:41.490 --> 00:17:44.710 things, but at some point, like people need to 00:17:44.710 --> 00:17:48.170 acknowledge their own bitch ass a tree if they're 00:17:48.170 --> 00:17:51.410 ever going to actually work on it. So in that 00:17:51.410 --> 00:17:56.009 same vein, right? Like help yourself, like acknowledge, 00:17:56.210 --> 00:17:58.730 like find a way to, you know, put yourself in 00:17:58.730 --> 00:18:00.930 a position where you're being a less of a bitch, 00:18:00.930 --> 00:18:04.440 right? A good place to start is probably prioritizing 00:18:04.440 --> 00:18:06.119 the basics in your life, like your physical and 00:18:06.119 --> 00:18:10.119 mental health. Like all these images of what 00:18:10.119 --> 00:18:13.380 a real man is like that is kind of placed upon 00:18:13.380 --> 00:18:16.680 us, like, you know, look maxing or like, you 00:18:16.680 --> 00:18:19.200 know, having a six pack of ripped biceps or being 00:18:19.200 --> 00:18:22.700 like a fighter or I don't know, being like wealthy 00:18:22.700 --> 00:18:25.799 and all these things like that's honestly not 00:18:25.799 --> 00:18:28.000 what I'm looking for. Like, if in fact, the fact 00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:29.559 that you emphasize those things makes me think 00:18:29.559 --> 00:18:33.250 you're. more of a bitch you just need to like 00:18:33.250 --> 00:18:37.809 you know not be unhealthy not do dumb shit you 00:18:37.809 --> 00:18:40.670 know like take care of your mental health like 00:18:40.670 --> 00:18:42.990 identify when you're depressed and do something 00:18:42.990 --> 00:18:46.289 about it like have a therapist like you know 00:18:46.289 --> 00:18:49.630 you don't need to have some deep enlightenment 00:18:49.630 --> 00:18:52.970 or have something to really be like awards you 00:18:52.970 --> 00:18:56.029 need to win or anything right you just need someone 00:18:56.029 --> 00:19:01.359 to you know Lean on, have a community, take care 00:19:01.359 --> 00:19:05.079 of yourself. Let's be honest. You're not going 00:19:05.079 --> 00:19:07.900 to be of use to anybody if you yourself are a 00:19:07.900 --> 00:19:11.440 bitch. So just help yourself. Invest in not being 00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:16.380 such a bitch. Third, as I've been kind of pointing 00:19:16.380 --> 00:19:19.940 out, I think it's pretty damn near impossible 00:19:19.940 --> 00:19:22.940 for you to kind of go at this alone. You need 00:19:22.940 --> 00:19:25.700 a band of brothers. And I really mean other men. 00:19:25.940 --> 00:19:30.460 That's kind of what you need. I mean, I've had 00:19:30.460 --> 00:19:34.039 a lot of I've done a lot of work with young boys, 00:19:34.359 --> 00:19:38.279 with young men and just connecting with them. 00:19:39.440 --> 00:19:42.319 You know, like I'm not necessarily trying to 00:19:42.319 --> 00:19:44.960 be like a mentor to anybody, but, you know, people 00:19:44.960 --> 00:19:49.279 sometimes find a reason or feel a certain way 00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:52.579 and want to like gain some insight from me or 00:19:52.579 --> 00:19:56.460 just to have conversations. Right. Like and I'll 00:19:56.460 --> 00:20:00.069 be there for them the way that I. And what I've 00:20:00.069 --> 00:20:04.890 learned is that, you know, it's not as if a lot 00:20:04.890 --> 00:20:08.009 of these boys don't have places to go. It's just 00:20:08.009 --> 00:20:10.990 that a lot of times it's not fellow men that 00:20:10.990 --> 00:20:13.069 they have to turn to. And I think this is also 00:20:13.069 --> 00:20:15.930 true of a lot of some of the friends I have. 00:20:16.109 --> 00:20:19.230 Right. They're grown adults and they don't have 00:20:19.230 --> 00:20:23.109 like a close knit group of male friends. They 00:20:23.109 --> 00:20:25.809 have, you know, like piecemeal friends, but it's 00:20:25.809 --> 00:20:28.349 not like a. It's not like a troop, right? It's 00:20:28.349 --> 00:20:35.589 not like a small community of men that they can 00:20:35.589 --> 00:20:40.930 really lean on collectively, right? I mean, there's 00:20:40.930 --> 00:20:42.230 probably a lot of reasons for this. Nowadays, 00:20:42.329 --> 00:20:46.390 at least in any decent -sized cities, it's kind 00:20:46.390 --> 00:20:51.589 of hard to have a built -in space where you can 00:20:51.589 --> 00:20:53.490 develop these relationships. You might have to 00:20:53.490 --> 00:20:57.349 actually look it up. Find places where there's 00:20:57.349 --> 00:21:00.089 shared interest or something. But you kind of 00:21:00.089 --> 00:21:02.450 need to put yourself out there. You need to take 00:21:02.450 --> 00:21:04.809 risks in meeting new people. You sometimes need 00:21:04.809 --> 00:21:08.289 to abandon old friendships. It's unfortunate. 00:21:08.970 --> 00:21:12.970 When I say it, I think a lot of people tend to 00:21:12.970 --> 00:21:16.069 be jarred by it. But I really do think that sometimes 00:21:16.069 --> 00:21:19.309 you just need to maybe not cut your losses, but 00:21:19.309 --> 00:21:23.670 invest in people who will invest in you. Invest 00:21:23.670 --> 00:21:27.420 in people who... We'll genuinely, you know, stay 00:21:27.420 --> 00:21:29.740 connected with you, reach out to you. I mean, 00:21:29.779 --> 00:21:31.799 I know that I've been bad about it with some 00:21:31.799 --> 00:21:34.240 people who I know that have reached out to me. 00:21:34.779 --> 00:21:38.140 I try now to be kind of fairly explicit if I 00:21:38.140 --> 00:21:40.000 feel like I don't have the bandwidth. Like, I 00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:42.839 have a group of friends. If I don't have, you 00:21:42.839 --> 00:21:45.680 know, the bandwidth to, like, really invest in 00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:47.839 somebody, I'll let them know because I don't 00:21:47.839 --> 00:21:51.140 want them to be, like, have expectations. But, 00:21:51.140 --> 00:21:53.819 you know, I'm still open to like change and growth. 00:21:53.880 --> 00:21:56.000 And I think in some ways I'm still looking for 00:21:56.000 --> 00:22:00.980 other men that kind of share a similar spirit 00:22:00.980 --> 00:22:04.920 as me, if that makes any sense. Right. You know, 00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:07.960 I love my friends, but, you know, I know that 00:22:07.960 --> 00:22:09.660 with a lot of them, we don't see eye to eye on 00:22:09.660 --> 00:22:12.279 quite a bit. And I think a lot of times I don't 00:22:12.279 --> 00:22:15.059 feel like they actually understand or see, you 00:22:15.059 --> 00:22:18.599 know, who I am, what I'm about. And I mean, it 00:22:18.599 --> 00:22:21.140 has. You know, the reason for it can be vast, 00:22:21.299 --> 00:22:24.900 but, you know, I'm always open to meeting new 00:22:24.900 --> 00:22:26.859 people and then to engaging with them and to 00:22:26.859 --> 00:22:30.180 developing relationships. But I do, I am pretty 00:22:30.180 --> 00:22:33.279 mindful that I don't want to be around a community 00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:36.720 of bitch asses. Like, I think being around bitches 00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:39.720 makes you more of a bitch. Like, it's kind of 00:22:39.720 --> 00:22:41.759 like what ChatGPT does, right? If you ever use 00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:43.940 ChatGPT, at least like maybe the free version. 00:22:45.470 --> 00:22:47.490 ChatGPT does a lot of gassing you up, right? 00:22:47.609 --> 00:22:50.390 Like making you, like encouraging you, encouraging, 00:22:50.630 --> 00:22:54.430 I put in, you know, air quotes here. It just 00:22:54.430 --> 00:22:56.269 gasses you up, make you feel like you're bigger 00:22:56.269 --> 00:22:58.410 or awesome, more awesome than you are. Like, 00:22:58.410 --> 00:23:01.869 I don't want that. Like, I don't want to be surrounded 00:23:01.869 --> 00:23:04.089 by those types. I want to be surrounded by people 00:23:04.089 --> 00:23:06.849 who will be honest with me, right? That are authentically 00:23:06.849 --> 00:23:10.170 themselves, who will see, you know, whatever 00:23:10.170 --> 00:23:12.250 they see because of their own experience. Like 00:23:12.250 --> 00:23:14.910 they have some insight into. A narrow set of 00:23:14.910 --> 00:23:17.029 areas, maybe, but, you know, they'll at least 00:23:17.029 --> 00:23:18.970 be able to call me out on those kinds of things. 00:23:19.089 --> 00:23:22.509 They'll be able to be somebody I can trust because 00:23:22.509 --> 00:23:25.769 I know that they're not just saying things just 00:23:25.769 --> 00:23:28.710 to make me feel better or just to make themselves 00:23:28.710 --> 00:23:33.869 feel better. Finally, always remind yourself 00:23:33.869 --> 00:23:36.269 that you're worth something. Like, I think this 00:23:36.269 --> 00:23:39.490 is kind of where a lot of the bitch assetry comes 00:23:39.490 --> 00:23:42.599 from. It comes from a lot of insecurities. And 00:23:42.599 --> 00:23:44.960 I don't want to dismiss it because the reality 00:23:44.960 --> 00:23:47.900 is we do have experiences in life that give us 00:23:47.900 --> 00:23:50.500 reason to question our value, like make us feel 00:23:50.500 --> 00:23:53.640 less than, right? It could be somebody saying 00:23:53.640 --> 00:23:55.119 something that maybe they didn't even mean it, 00:23:55.140 --> 00:23:56.839 but they said something that hurt your feelings. 00:23:56.839 --> 00:24:01.680 Or maybe you got rejected from a job or a potential 00:24:01.680 --> 00:24:06.519 partner or whatever else it might be. But the 00:24:06.519 --> 00:24:09.849 truth is that you are a person. Every person 00:24:09.849 --> 00:24:13.269 has dignity. Every person has value. Every person 00:24:13.269 --> 00:24:15.630 has an inherent worth. I believe anyways, like 00:24:15.630 --> 00:24:18.069 I believe that they do apart from anything that 00:24:18.069 --> 00:24:21.569 you could provide the world. And I think that's 00:24:21.569 --> 00:24:25.230 kind of a good place to start that you have value. 00:24:25.309 --> 00:24:27.569 I don't care what the world tells you. You have 00:24:27.569 --> 00:24:32.549 value. You are valuable. And as long as you see 00:24:32.549 --> 00:24:34.970 that in yourself, like I think you have the possibility 00:24:34.970 --> 00:24:36.970 of always being a better version of yourself, 00:24:37.130 --> 00:24:39.509 right? And I think it's primarily because you're 00:24:39.509 --> 00:24:42.789 not tethered to the idea that you're worth this 00:24:42.789 --> 00:24:46.390 only like what it is that you can, you know, 00:24:46.390 --> 00:24:50.009 the money you make or what value you bring to 00:24:50.009 --> 00:24:53.809 other people. Like you're not as concerned about 00:24:53.809 --> 00:24:55.430 that. Not that it doesn't matter, but you're 00:24:55.430 --> 00:24:58.710 not as concerned because your value is a more 00:24:58.710 --> 00:25:04.619 unshakable sense of self -worth. These suggestions 00:25:04.619 --> 00:25:07.140 might seem all too simplistic, and that's because 00:25:07.140 --> 00:25:10.220 they are. It's funny. When I teach students how 00:25:10.220 --> 00:25:13.359 to learn effectively, many of them will say they've 00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:16.759 heard something similar at some point. Some of 00:25:16.759 --> 00:25:18.759 them might actually know how to do all the things 00:25:18.759 --> 00:25:21.140 that they need to do to learn effectively. There's 00:25:21.140 --> 00:25:22.839 nothing special about what I'm teaching them. 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:25.980 And I tell them, yeah, learning effectively is 00:25:25.980 --> 00:25:28.710 actually quite simple. The problem isn't knowing 00:25:28.710 --> 00:25:31.630 what to do. The problem is doing it, right? Just 00:25:31.630 --> 00:25:33.849 think throughout human history. People try to 00:25:33.849 --> 00:25:36.609 address the core problems in their life in some 00:25:36.609 --> 00:25:39.410 overly complicated way. My guess is that we do 00:25:39.410 --> 00:25:42.170 this because the simple, most obvious answer 00:25:42.170 --> 00:25:45.950 is not something that we want to do. We want 00:25:45.950 --> 00:25:48.809 to find the easy way out. right we're looking 00:25:48.809 --> 00:25:51.109 for an alternative like and the truth is there's 00:25:51.109 --> 00:25:53.210 no easy way out like in learning there's no easy 00:25:53.210 --> 00:25:55.450 way out you just have to learn and that requires 00:25:55.450 --> 00:25:58.430 that your brain stresses itself a little bit 00:25:58.430 --> 00:26:01.210 really um like at least to some degree like you 00:26:01.210 --> 00:26:04.690 have to actually try right and to mature like 00:26:04.690 --> 00:26:08.410 emotionally psychologically like you know in 00:26:08.410 --> 00:26:11.119 all kinds of ways right There's just no other 00:26:11.119 --> 00:26:14.839 way to mature without facing challenges and doing 00:26:14.839 --> 00:26:18.720 the hard daily task of taking care of, you know, 00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:21.400 the basics of your health, your relationships, 00:26:21.480 --> 00:26:26.900 like just doing the things that like everybody 00:26:26.900 --> 00:26:30.900 just needs to do on a daily basis to put themselves 00:26:30.900 --> 00:26:34.859 in a position where they can be of be a better 00:26:34.859 --> 00:26:36.680 version of themselves. Like it took me. It took 00:26:36.680 --> 00:26:39.160 me a failed marriage and bad parenting and years 00:26:39.160 --> 00:26:43.140 of depression and anxiety. All of that, years 00:26:43.140 --> 00:26:46.420 and years of it, all to realize that it was really 00:26:46.420 --> 00:26:48.559 just some basic shit. I was fucking up, right? 00:26:48.660 --> 00:26:53.039 I wasn't taking care of myself when I was depressed 00:26:53.039 --> 00:26:55.900 or anxious. I wasn't even acknowledging it. I 00:26:55.900 --> 00:27:00.759 wasn't being present when I was spending time 00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:04.039 with my kids. And I was too wrapped up in my 00:27:04.039 --> 00:27:06.579 own feelings to be able to make space for somebody 00:27:06.579 --> 00:27:10.720 else's in my own relationships with others, right? 00:27:13.599 --> 00:27:16.839 So I think honestly, that's just the reality. 00:27:17.059 --> 00:27:20.259 Most things in life, the answers are fairly simple. 00:27:21.140 --> 00:27:24.099 The vast number of reasons, excuses we make for 00:27:24.099 --> 00:27:27.670 ourselves for why we don't do it, that's... Yeah, 00:27:27.750 --> 00:27:30.009 that list could go on forever. But the truth 00:27:30.009 --> 00:27:32.430 is, the answers are probably, for the most part, 00:27:32.569 --> 00:27:36.250 fairly basic. Look, I don't have all the answers 00:27:36.250 --> 00:27:37.970 for you. Like I said, this isn't some self -help 00:27:37.970 --> 00:27:41.670 program. It's just me saying some stuff that 00:27:41.670 --> 00:27:43.930 I just felt like I just needed to get off my 00:27:43.930 --> 00:27:49.109 chest. But I just hope that you and I can see 00:27:49.109 --> 00:27:52.289 eye to eye on at least this much. We can see 00:27:52.289 --> 00:27:55.670 eye to eye on who the real bitches are. and at 00:27:55.670 --> 00:27:59.609 least learn from them to avoid the pitfalls that 00:27:59.609 --> 00:28:03.890 would lead us to being such a bitch. And the 00:28:03.890 --> 00:28:05.730 truth is, as long as we see eye to eye on this, 00:28:05.829 --> 00:28:10.250 I have some sense of hope that at least we might 00:28:10.250 --> 00:28:13.569 be able to work towards the same goal. And for 00:28:13.569 --> 00:28:15.269 that, I'm grateful for you.