So let me just take this time to sum up basically
what I've been saying throughout the series.
If you've been paying attention, then you should
have a clear picture of what I think, anyways,
is a real man. A man is someone who... knows
themselves and honors it by being true to who
they are, which means they don't play the game
of living according to other standards or comparing
themselves to others. No, men have matured beyond
that and now have a clear sense of themselves,
their purpose, their part in society, and they
just live it fully every day. Because they're
secure in themselves, they don't dismiss or put
others down. They don't feel a need to. They're
willing to listen and empathize, but also able
to confront. those when they need to be confronted.
This probably sounds bland because it is. There's
nothing special about being a man, like nothing
necessarily exciting about it. It's just a person
living their life. And that's the point. We don't
need to be looking for anything special as some
exemplar of a man. Understood in the way that
I'm suggesting, we can see that there are a lot
of good men around us, ones that we, you know,
seem to overlook every day. It's the guy who
has a group of close -knit friends and have a
shared love of Dungeons and Dragons or Magic
the Gathering and get together once a month to
get into full -blown costume, geek mode, whatever,
and just have that community and be there to
support one another, right? It's the father who
likes to make terrible dad jokes and prides himself
in being able to elicit eye rolls from his kids
each time, right? It's the community leader that
doesn't have much themselves, but uses his time
and energy to organize events where people can
get together to meet and connect and to build
community. It's the teacher that loves nothing
more than to see his elementary school kids line
up before class each morning. It's the guy waking
up at the ice crack of dawn to pick up our trash,
even though he hates his job. But the job allows
him to build the kind of life that fits him.
Most of the men in our lives go about their day
not being bitches, but we seem to, as a society,
focus on these insecure -ass bitches that are
constantly making themselves out to be some exemplar
of manhood, trying to be something in the public
eye, like some kind of an example of what it
is that men should be striving for. Or maybe
this is just something that a lot of dumbasses
are putting... out there as a good example, right?
And I just want to say, fuck these bitches. Look,
I'm not expecting anyone to be perfect by any
means. Being a man doesn't mean that you don't
have any bitch in you, but it does mean that
you acknowledge the bitch in you and do something
about it, right? Like, my own dad is actually
a good example of this, right? My relationship
with him has gone through the ringer. In my early
years, he was fairly authoritarian in the way
that he ran the house. He was very, very strict,
all the way up to probably late elementary years
for me. I hated him for it. I was, as you can
imagine, not someone who liked to be told what
to do. I responded to reason. So if you gave
me a good reason, then I might be convinced and
then, you know, change my attitude. But my dad,
at least from a young boy's perspective, had
terrible reasons. So I would get mad and talk
back a lot, which just led to my getting disciplined
even more. He was heavy handed with a stick,
with making me hold up heavy objects for a long
period, locking me out of the house, all kinds
of methods for disciplining. Later on, I learned
that he got some bad advice, that he had to be
very strict because I was the oldest kid and
my siblings, well, in this case, I don't have
one, but, you know, my sibling would follow in
my footsteps. So it was important that I, you
know, that he spent extra time and energy disciplining
me. But I also imagine much of this, like his
disciplining ways, was just similar to how he
was raised, right? I met my grandfather on my
dad's side. I spent a lot of time with them during
the later years of my grandfather's life. And
from the little I do remember of him, he was
very much like my dad. I used to be scared of
him as a kid. comes off as like a military personnel
or something. But it turned out he didn't actually
tend to be that and just gave off that vibe,
right? But as our family fell deeper and deeper
into poverty, I just began to lose all respect
for him. I began to question his authority. I'm
talking about my dad here. Not because he didn't
have any money, but because he seemed to prioritize
the church. He was a pastor and all these other
obligations over providing for his family. And
so I rebelled a lot. yelled, slammed doors, broke
stuff. At one point, I straight up just slapped
my dad. When I realized what I had done, I'm
talking about the slap, I thought I would have
to physically fight for my life, defend myself,
but my dad actually didn't respond the way that
I thought. He just quietly walked away. He didn't
want to show me how he actually felt, but this
was late at night. I just caught him. sobbing,
praying, wondering what he was doing wrong, asking
God for forgiveness, for guidance. He just looked
broken and in pain. But here's the thing. Even
after this incident, he didn't stop confronting
me when I was out of line. Like, he stopped being
heavy -handed. I think at some point he realized
that that wasn't effective, that that wasn't
really doing much for me. I think he regretted
it quite a bit. But he didn't hesitate to disagree
with me when he thought that I was off track,
right? I guess we had that kind of relationship.
We did always argue about theology and philosophy
and politics. But I think at some point in high
school, he fell into depression. I don't think
he realized he was depressed. I'm not sure if
he'll ever admit to me today that he was depressed.
He just withdrew from life, from all kinds of
stuff. kind of left on my own to raise myself.
I didn't realize it then, but it's actually when
he withdrew that I felt the most hurt, the most
alone, the most abandoned. As much as I fought
against him, I realize now just how important
it was that he actually tried, he made the effort
to try to get through to me, that it was a way
of showing that he still cared. Once he was in
a better place, years after I left college and
after He had made some major changes to his own
life. We were able to have more like adult to
adult conversations. And it was then that he
formally apologized to me for all the ways in
which he fell short, the ways he wasn't able
to be there for me. I mean, by then I was in
a very different place. And I personally, having
gone through therapy myself and just working
on myself in all kinds of ways, I had already
forgiven him for the most part. Still, hearing
him say it out loud meant something to me. It
meant something for how I viewed him as a man,
not just as a dad, but just as a man. I'm saying
all this because, look, no one is perfect. Everyone
makes mistakes and leaves a trail of damage behind
them. I've never met a man that didn't have some
things in their own past that they were like,
man, I screwed up real bad. And I acknowledge
the kind of lasting impact that I've had on my
kids, on the people around me, on friends, on,
you know, significant others. And the thing is,
I never faulted my dad for any of that. I was
angry with them, hurt, frustrated. But I figured
out early on in my own, you know, development
that adults are still humans and humans are all
flawed, right? But I also never respected adults
just for being adults, right? Like, just because
you were of a certain age didn't mean that I
respected you. And it wasn't until I saw that
my dad was capable of acknowledging his wrongs,
taking responsibility for his actions, and just
being open and honest about all of it, right,
that I began to respect him. And I think I saw
then what it is I was really looking for. I wasn't
looking for anyone to be perfect. I was looking
for those who had made mistakes to just acknowledge
it, to be honest about it. I imagine a lot of
the times when people were frustrated with me
and anger with me or just didn't have any respect
for me, it was probably in those moments when
I was in denial. I was trying to escape responsibility.
Wanting to not acknowledge my part or the wrong
that I've done or the bitch in me. Seeing my
dad as a real man was honestly never about seeing
him as perfect or capable. I mean, he often lacked
in all sorts of ways. It was about seeing him
as someone who was able to take the time to look
inward, had that courage to just acknowledge
those hard truths about himself. Start to take
responsibility for all of it, the good, the bad,
the ugly. And for me, that's all it meant for
him to just not be a bitch. So, you know, I doubt
my dad will ever listen to any of this, but dad,
I want you to know that, you know, I know you
haven't learned English after all these years
and probably won't understand any of this. But
I just want to thank you because of you that,
you know, I'm... Probably not as big of a bitch
as I probably could have been. Look, I'm not
an expert on men or masculinity. I'm just one
person with an opinion. Pop them off at the mouth
because that's just kind of how I'm wired. Don't
hear what I'm saying as my presenting you with
some undeniable truth. I'm sharing what I think
and hoping that it gives you food for thought.
And maybe if you'd like to reach out, we could
have a conversation about it. You know, talk
about where we might disagree, where we do disagree,
maybe help each other gain some insight. But
I would hope that you're not you wouldn't be
a bitch and just be dismissive, just as I wouldn't
want myself to be dismissive of anything that
you had to say. Although knowing myself, I probably
will be. And so you could check me if I am. If
you want. We could just go down a list of people
that we both know and play the game. Is he a
bitch or not? And we can have a discussion as
to why. The point is that bitches are bitches
for a reason. Not just because I dislike them.
So we can have a productive conversation about
it. There's something about this idea that we
can identify and have a clear standard for what
makes somebody a bitch. And we could evaluate
a person's life under these terms and have an
honest discussion about it, not to put people
down, but to call people out to be more honest,
especially with themselves, but especially with
the general public so that we don't allow people
to just stay in living their life in this lie.
So if you're up for it, I'm here. Let's go. Join
the Discord. As I've been harping on again and
again, we do need men to step up to be role models
in the community. There are many ways we can
do this. It's not anything grand. I mean, I give
you some examples of who I think are men, and
what you'll find is that their lives seem to
be fairly insignificant insofar as they're not
doing anything that kind of stands out in any
particular way. And so I'll just list some options.
I think this is some of the things that they're
doing in their life. Maybe you could add to the
list. You could maybe throw in your own suggestions,
right? First, I think we all need to be vocal
about calling out bitches and live out the life
of a recovering bitch, right? If you acknowledge
your own mistakes, the things that you're responsible
for, the things that you need to do better, start
living as somebody who really, truly acknowledges
and does something to make it right. And part
of that, I think, is going to be to make sure
that we're all on the same page about what it
means to be a bitch. And so it might require
you to just actually start speaking a little
bit more about it, because that's the thing.
Like, you can try to look at other people and
what they're doing, see the response that others
give, and then try to mimic and try to figure
out what makes somebody a bitch or not. But it
also really helps to have conversations to give.
something to really think about, to reflect on.
You need to be an example yourself of somebody
who is a recovering bitch, like somebody who
can identify their own bitch -assetry. And then
because you can see it in yourself, you can see
when others are up to that sort of shit, right?
If you see little boys being a bitch by bullying
another kid or... Boys being inappropriate with
girls. We need to just call out the bitch behavior
that these boys are engaging in. We can't stay
silent. That is like the silence itself, I think,
is telling, is communicating something, is communicating
something to the general public that we are accepting
of this sort of behavior, this sort of bitch
assetry, right? And give yourself the standing
to call it out by, you know, making something
of your life. Like, stop being a bitch, right?
Like, it starts with yourself, right? Like, live
out the life of somebody who is trying not to
be such a bitch, and then it gives you the kind
of position to be able to speak on this sort
of thing, right? Here's a recent example, right?
After some health scares, like, I've been trying
to get my health back on track. I was struggling
and thought... Oh, from a friend. He actually
gave me some good advice, but he also pointed
something out that was like, I think a real food
for thought and a motivator. He just pointed
out that maybe I was just being a bitch, right?
Like making excuses for why it is that I was
not able to get my health back on track. Because
the reality is like, at least for most people,
unless you have some particular like reason,
you know. Taking care of your health is fairly
simple, right? Like eating right, exercising,
moving around, right? You know, abstaining from
things that are harmful to your body, getting
decent quality sleep, right? Valuing it, prioritizing
it. And so like, you know, he was pointing out
like, hey, maybe you're just being a bitch and
just not doing the things that you should, you
know, you should be doing, right? Like, and that's
all I need to hear. I was being a bitch. I had
to acknowledge that I was making these excuses,
that there are things that I... definitely could
have done that I wasn't doing. And, you know,
I was, for whatever reason, trying to get away
with not having to do those things, right? So
it helps. Like, I understand that there's a lot
of people who don't like hearing, you know, who
don't like being called out, right? But I need,
I want a culture where we acknowledge that calling
each other out is not meant to necessarily put
each other down. It's a way of helping you Like
forcing you, pushing you, encouraging you to
just be honest with yourself so that you could
live a better life for yourself and for the people
around you, right? Like create a culture of properly
identifying where the real bitches are and then
helping people to see that you could just work
on not being a bitch. Second, I think you could
help yourself. Like I've said, like even if you
have people supporting you, you need to find
a way to help yourself. Like, if you've ever
had experience with an addict, you learned that
you can't save them, right? You can't, you can
support them the best way you can without enabling
them, right? But you can't save them. Like, we
can't save people from being a bitch. Like, if
they're bent on being a bitch, they're going
to be a bitch. They have to find a way. Whoops.
They have to find a way to work out of it themselves.
Like, there's just no other way. Now you can
be there as a friend to support them, to help
them, to encourage them. You could do all the
things, but at some point, like people need to
acknowledge their own bitch ass a tree if they're
ever going to actually work on it. So in that
same vein, right? Like help yourself, like acknowledge,
like find a way to, you know, put yourself in
a position where you're being a less of a bitch,
right? A good place to start is probably prioritizing
the basics in your life, like your physical and
mental health. Like all these images of what
a real man is like that is kind of placed upon
us, like, you know, look maxing or like, you
know, having a six pack of ripped biceps or being
like a fighter or I don't know, being like wealthy
and all these things like that's honestly not
what I'm looking for. Like, if in fact, the fact
that you emphasize those things makes me think
you're. more of a bitch you just need to like
you know not be unhealthy not do dumb shit you
know like take care of your mental health like
identify when you're depressed and do something
about it like have a therapist like you know
you don't need to have some deep enlightenment
or have something to really be like awards you
need to win or anything right you just need someone
to you know Lean on, have a community, take care
of yourself. Let's be honest. You're not going
to be of use to anybody if you yourself are a
bitch. So just help yourself. Invest in not being
such a bitch. Third, as I've been kind of pointing
out, I think it's pretty damn near impossible
for you to kind of go at this alone. You need
a band of brothers. And I really mean other men.
That's kind of what you need. I mean, I've had
a lot of I've done a lot of work with young boys,
with young men and just connecting with them.
You know, like I'm not necessarily trying to
be like a mentor to anybody, but, you know, people
sometimes find a reason or feel a certain way
and want to like gain some insight from me or
just to have conversations. Right. Like and I'll
be there for them the way that I. And what I've
learned is that, you know, it's not as if a lot
of these boys don't have places to go. It's just
that a lot of times it's not fellow men that
they have to turn to. And I think this is also
true of a lot of some of the friends I have.
Right. They're grown adults and they don't have
like a close knit group of male friends. They
have, you know, like piecemeal friends, but it's
not like a. It's not like a troop, right? It's
not like a small community of men that they can
really lean on collectively, right? I mean, there's
probably a lot of reasons for this. Nowadays,
at least in any decent -sized cities, it's kind
of hard to have a built -in space where you can
develop these relationships. You might have to
actually look it up. Find places where there's
shared interest or something. But you kind of
need to put yourself out there. You need to take
risks in meeting new people. You sometimes need
to abandon old friendships. It's unfortunate.
When I say it, I think a lot of people tend to
be jarred by it. But I really do think that sometimes
you just need to maybe not cut your losses, but
invest in people who will invest in you. Invest
in people who... We'll genuinely, you know, stay
connected with you, reach out to you. I mean,
I know that I've been bad about it with some
people who I know that have reached out to me.
I try now to be kind of fairly explicit if I
feel like I don't have the bandwidth. Like, I
have a group of friends. If I don't have, you
know, the bandwidth to, like, really invest in
somebody, I'll let them know because I don't
want them to be, like, have expectations. But,
you know, I'm still open to like change and growth.
And I think in some ways I'm still looking for
other men that kind of share a similar spirit
as me, if that makes any sense. Right. You know,
I love my friends, but, you know, I know that
with a lot of them, we don't see eye to eye on
quite a bit. And I think a lot of times I don't
feel like they actually understand or see, you
know, who I am, what I'm about. And I mean, it
has. You know, the reason for it can be vast,
but, you know, I'm always open to meeting new
people and then to engaging with them and to
developing relationships. But I do, I am pretty
mindful that I don't want to be around a community
of bitch asses. Like, I think being around bitches
makes you more of a bitch. Like, it's kind of
like what ChatGPT does, right? If you ever use
ChatGPT, at least like maybe the free version.
ChatGPT does a lot of gassing you up, right?
Like making you, like encouraging you, encouraging,
I put in, you know, air quotes here. It just
gasses you up, make you feel like you're bigger
or awesome, more awesome than you are. Like,
I don't want that. Like, I don't want to be surrounded
by those types. I want to be surrounded by people
who will be honest with me, right? That are authentically
themselves, who will see, you know, whatever
they see because of their own experience. Like
they have some insight into. A narrow set of
areas, maybe, but, you know, they'll at least
be able to call me out on those kinds of things.
They'll be able to be somebody I can trust because
I know that they're not just saying things just
to make me feel better or just to make themselves
feel better. Finally, always remind yourself
that you're worth something. Like, I think this
is kind of where a lot of the bitch assetry comes
from. It comes from a lot of insecurities. And
I don't want to dismiss it because the reality
is we do have experiences in life that give us
reason to question our value, like make us feel
less than, right? It could be somebody saying
something that maybe they didn't even mean it,
but they said something that hurt your feelings.
Or maybe you got rejected from a job or a potential
partner or whatever else it might be. But the
truth is that you are a person. Every person
has dignity. Every person has value. Every person
has an inherent worth. I believe anyways, like
I believe that they do apart from anything that
you could provide the world. And I think that's
kind of a good place to start that you have value.
I don't care what the world tells you. You have
value. You are valuable. And as long as you see
that in yourself, like I think you have the possibility
of always being a better version of yourself,
right? And I think it's primarily because you're
not tethered to the idea that you're worth this
only like what it is that you can, you know,
the money you make or what value you bring to
other people. Like you're not as concerned about
that. Not that it doesn't matter, but you're
not as concerned because your value is a more
unshakable sense of self -worth. These suggestions
might seem all too simplistic, and that's because
they are. It's funny. When I teach students how
to learn effectively, many of them will say they've
heard something similar at some point. Some of
them might actually know how to do all the things
that they need to do to learn effectively. There's
nothing special about what I'm teaching them.
And I tell them, yeah, learning effectively is
actually quite simple. The problem isn't knowing
what to do. The problem is doing it, right? Just
think throughout human history. People try to
address the core problems in their life in some
overly complicated way. My guess is that we do
this because the simple, most obvious answer
is not something that we want to do. We want
to find the easy way out. right we're looking
for an alternative like and the truth is there's
no easy way out like in learning there's no easy
way out you just have to learn and that requires
that your brain stresses itself a little bit
really um like at least to some degree like you
have to actually try right and to mature like
emotionally psychologically like you know in
all kinds of ways right There's just no other
way to mature without facing challenges and doing
the hard daily task of taking care of, you know,
the basics of your health, your relationships,
like just doing the things that like everybody
just needs to do on a daily basis to put themselves
in a position where they can be of be a better
version of themselves. Like it took me. It took
me a failed marriage and bad parenting and years
of depression and anxiety. All of that, years
and years of it, all to realize that it was really
just some basic shit. I was fucking up, right?
I wasn't taking care of myself when I was depressed
or anxious. I wasn't even acknowledging it. I
wasn't being present when I was spending time
with my kids. And I was too wrapped up in my
own feelings to be able to make space for somebody
else's in my own relationships with others, right?
So I think honestly, that's just the reality.
Most things in life, the answers are fairly simple.
The vast number of reasons, excuses we make for
ourselves for why we don't do it, that's... Yeah,
that list could go on forever. But the truth
is, the answers are probably, for the most part,
fairly basic. Look, I don't have all the answers
for you. Like I said, this isn't some self -help
program. It's just me saying some stuff that
I just felt like I just needed to get off my
chest. But I just hope that you and I can see
eye to eye on at least this much. We can see
eye to eye on who the real bitches are. and at
least learn from them to avoid the pitfalls that
would lead us to being such a bitch. And the
truth is, as long as we see eye to eye on this,
I have some sense of hope that at least we might
be able to work towards the same goal. And for
that, I'm grateful for you.