WEBVTT 00:00:34.409 --> 00:00:38.549 You know what's crazy to me? It's how often society 00:00:38.549 --> 00:00:40.390 talks about all the ways that women's bodies 00:00:40.390 --> 00:00:43.450 are shamed and how women have to face these societal 00:00:43.450 --> 00:00:47.070 standards of beauty that create these insecurities 00:00:47.070 --> 00:00:49.590 in them. What we don't talk about enough is how 00:00:49.590 --> 00:00:52.270 men are also feeling similar bodily insecurities 00:00:52.270 --> 00:00:55.909 because they are taught by, or through experience 00:00:55.909 --> 00:00:59.450 maybe, or sometimes just directly taught by God 00:00:59.450 --> 00:01:01.789 knows who, that their bodies need to be a certain 00:01:01.789 --> 00:01:04.290 way. Maybe it's through images. Maybe it's just 00:01:04.290 --> 00:01:05.790 assumptions that they make. Maybe it's because 00:01:05.790 --> 00:01:07.489 they get teased at some point. I don't know. 00:01:08.569 --> 00:01:12.390 Usually, guys tend to make jokes about it, but 00:01:12.390 --> 00:01:14.950 I don't remember ever having any real conversation 00:01:14.950 --> 00:01:17.489 with other men about their bodily insecurities. 00:01:17.890 --> 00:01:21.709 I know they exist. I just don't know why it's 00:01:21.709 --> 00:01:24.549 never talked about. As a society, we talk about 00:01:24.549 --> 00:01:27.409 women's bodies a lot, right? Why aren't we talking 00:01:27.409 --> 00:01:30.319 about men's bodies more? Not to criticize, but 00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:33.680 to really unpack the insecurities created by 00:01:33.680 --> 00:01:37.260 some maybe unspoken expectations of men. So I'm 00:01:37.260 --> 00:01:39.819 going to talk about it. If you feel uncomfortable, 00:01:40.180 --> 00:01:43.420 probably because maybe you haven't talked about 00:01:43.420 --> 00:01:45.859 this stuff out in the open, about your own body 00:01:45.859 --> 00:01:48.480 image issues, well, it's time to start exploring 00:01:48.480 --> 00:01:51.680 exactly what that's about. So I'm going to be 00:01:51.680 --> 00:01:54.170 fairly blunt. Be ready to feel uncomfortable. 00:01:54.510 --> 00:01:59.129 I know many of you probably will, but the discomfort 00:01:59.129 --> 00:02:00.989 is not necessarily a bad thing. It's probably 00:02:00.989 --> 00:02:02.950 because we're not used to having these kinds 00:02:02.950 --> 00:02:05.969 of conversations, okay? All right. There are 00:02:05.969 --> 00:02:08.990 two physical insecurities that, from my experience, 00:02:09.090 --> 00:02:11.789 again, it could differ depending on what kind 00:02:11.789 --> 00:02:14.069 of community you live in, right? But for me, 00:02:14.210 --> 00:02:16.289 there are two physical insecurities that plague 00:02:16.289 --> 00:02:19.590 a lot of men. That's their height and their penis 00:02:19.590 --> 00:02:23.449 size, okay? Maybe... we could also add to this 00:02:23.449 --> 00:02:26.289 list baldness or like a receding hairline or 00:02:26.289 --> 00:02:28.550 something i don't know uh that seems to be something 00:02:28.550 --> 00:02:31.129 that um a lot of men seem to be seem to be insecure 00:02:31.129 --> 00:02:35.030 about as well i'm not sure exactly why maybe 00:02:35.030 --> 00:02:37.569 a sociologist can give me a breakdown of how 00:02:37.569 --> 00:02:40.330 society imposes these expectations on men through 00:02:40.330 --> 00:02:44.400 i don't know media or whatever else it is Again, 00:02:44.500 --> 00:02:46.699 I'm not an expert in most things, or maybe anything 00:02:46.699 --> 00:02:50.020 you could argue. I can tell you what I do here 00:02:50.020 --> 00:02:53.120 myself from conversations with straight female 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:57.560 friends. So I have some idea of where this height 00:02:57.560 --> 00:03:02.139 stuff at least comes from. At least from some 00:03:02.139 --> 00:03:03.879 of these female friends, they talk about height 00:03:03.879 --> 00:03:06.740 in an ideal partner quite a bit, like a lot. 00:03:07.389 --> 00:03:10.169 It seems to be a big factor. I still can't figure 00:03:10.169 --> 00:03:13.409 out exactly what the preference is about necessarily, 00:03:13.650 --> 00:03:18.669 but many seem to at least explicitly claim to 00:03:18.669 --> 00:03:21.150 have this sort of preference. So if you describe 00:03:21.150 --> 00:03:23.729 an ideal man for them, they'll be like, oh, I 00:03:23.729 --> 00:03:25.669 want them to be at least six foot or yada, yada, 00:03:25.669 --> 00:03:30.689 yada. Okay. What's odd for me is that they say 00:03:30.689 --> 00:03:34.259 that this is what they want. And then I see who 00:03:34.259 --> 00:03:37.780 they date and their description of what they 00:03:37.780 --> 00:03:40.860 say they wanted never seems to fit whatever, 00:03:41.060 --> 00:03:43.060 whoever it is that they're actually dating. So 00:03:43.060 --> 00:03:46.439 it's very confusing. And I honestly don't think 00:03:46.439 --> 00:03:48.699 that it should be too surprising that it's confusing. 00:03:48.819 --> 00:03:50.740 I don't think most people actually know what 00:03:50.740 --> 00:03:54.520 they want from a partner, from family, from life 00:03:54.520 --> 00:03:57.699 just in general, but especially when it comes 00:03:57.699 --> 00:04:00.990 to like romantic partners. They say that they 00:04:00.990 --> 00:04:02.490 want a lot of things, and then it doesn't go 00:04:02.490 --> 00:04:06.050 with how they behave, right? So at least when 00:04:06.050 --> 00:04:08.110 they say that they want certain features and 00:04:08.110 --> 00:04:11.610 an ideal partner, it's actually not very stable. 00:04:12.409 --> 00:04:14.310 It's not stable definitely through the years, 00:04:14.349 --> 00:04:16.470 but sometimes from week to week seems to vary 00:04:16.470 --> 00:04:23.250 what they care more about. So maybe it depends 00:04:23.250 --> 00:04:25.209 on the mood. It depends on maybe the focus or 00:04:25.209 --> 00:04:28.089 the nature of the conversation at the time. Here's 00:04:28.089 --> 00:04:30.790 something else I also experience. I experience 00:04:30.790 --> 00:04:32.790 this from time to time talking to guys, especially 00:04:32.790 --> 00:04:36.709 in competitive settings. Guys will often sun 00:04:36.709 --> 00:04:40.730 or look down on another guy, belittle them as 00:04:40.730 --> 00:04:43.470 part of the trash talking they do in competitive 00:04:43.470 --> 00:04:46.579 arenas. And one way they often do so is height, 00:04:46.699 --> 00:04:49.819 right? So you see this in basketball, in the 00:04:49.819 --> 00:04:53.300 NBA, when one player flexes on another by saying 00:04:53.300 --> 00:04:54.980 that the other one is too small. They do this 00:04:54.980 --> 00:04:56.939 little gesture indicating that they're too small 00:04:56.939 --> 00:05:01.040 or too short to guard them or that it's easy 00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:04.019 to score on them. I wouldn't be surprised if 00:05:04.019 --> 00:05:06.839 kids tease each other because of height, because 00:05:06.839 --> 00:05:09.839 kids tease each other for all kinds of random 00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:14.000 traits, height, clothes, the way you chew. If 00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:15.939 it's observable, if it's something that they 00:05:15.939 --> 00:05:18.500 can see, it's open to mocking for kids. So I 00:05:18.500 --> 00:05:21.519 also wouldn't be surprised if a lot of guys had 00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:22.920 this sort of experience where they were made 00:05:22.920 --> 00:05:25.420 fun of for some physical feature, and one of 00:05:25.420 --> 00:05:29.980 those happened to be their height, right? But 00:05:29.980 --> 00:05:32.680 what this tells me is that guys are getting this 00:05:32.680 --> 00:05:35.720 impression that height matters from somewhere. 00:05:35.860 --> 00:05:38.180 They're not just imagining it. It's not just 00:05:38.180 --> 00:05:40.759 completely in their head. They're not just making 00:05:40.759 --> 00:05:44.480 this stuff up. They're getting this notion that 00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:49.420 height matters from some place. They're not just 00:05:49.420 --> 00:05:51.240 suddenly getting insecure about their height. 00:05:52.000 --> 00:05:54.649 Either they were... directly made fun of for 00:05:54.649 --> 00:05:57.509 being too tall too short maybe they were rejected 00:05:57.509 --> 00:05:59.370 from dates and the reason that was given was 00:05:59.370 --> 00:06:02.670 that they're too short um because you know a 00:06:02.670 --> 00:06:04.389 bunch of there's a bunch of dating shows that 00:06:04.389 --> 00:06:07.589 are like this like i've seen online um where 00:06:07.589 --> 00:06:10.509 people talk about you know height as a preference 00:06:10.509 --> 00:06:14.449 something probably happened to lead to whatever 00:06:14.449 --> 00:06:16.370 insecurity you developed about your height right 00:06:16.370 --> 00:06:18.269 none of this should be surprising like i said 00:06:18.269 --> 00:06:22.509 it all just kind of gets uh it just comes with 00:06:22.509 --> 00:06:24.490 you know growing up in the kind of world that 00:06:24.490 --> 00:06:27.810 we grew up in okay uh you can maybe also lump 00:06:27.810 --> 00:06:29.850 in the muscle mass thing with the height thing 00:06:29.850 --> 00:06:33.209 okay so a lot of men have this impression that 00:06:33.209 --> 00:06:34.850 they need to have a decent amount of muscle mass 00:06:34.850 --> 00:06:39.170 um not necessarily a six -pack but just muscle 00:06:39.170 --> 00:06:42.829 mass in general to be strong uh maybe for me 00:06:42.829 --> 00:06:46.040 it was watching like a lot of wwe Back then it 00:06:46.040 --> 00:06:50.420 was called WWF growing up. And for me, I got 00:06:50.420 --> 00:06:52.899 teased for being fat. Other people have been 00:06:52.899 --> 00:06:57.199 bullied for being scrawny. Something seems to 00:06:57.199 --> 00:06:59.339 contribute to many men thinking that muscle mass 00:06:59.339 --> 00:07:02.839 somehow correlates to manliness. If you're strong, 00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:05.560 then you can protect others, fix things, do manly 00:07:05.560 --> 00:07:08.839 things with manly tools, right? Lift heavy objects, 00:07:09.220 --> 00:07:12.360 right? Adjacent is the whole desire for a six 00:07:12.360 --> 00:07:15.660 pack that does kind of come with it, but not 00:07:15.660 --> 00:07:19.019 necessarily. But I do remember like... Back when 00:07:19.019 --> 00:07:23.480 I was in college, seeing Fight Club for the first 00:07:23.480 --> 00:07:25.399 time, I saw Brad Pitt with his shirt off, and 00:07:25.399 --> 00:07:30.420 goddamn, that looks pretty damn good. That body, 00:07:30.459 --> 00:07:33.399 it was like, damn. I want to be clear about something. 00:07:33.560 --> 00:07:36.220 It's not that I don't see that these physical 00:07:36.220 --> 00:07:39.279 traits can contribute to physical attraction, 00:07:39.459 --> 00:07:42.959 so I'm not going to knock on people for being 00:07:42.959 --> 00:07:45.180 physically attracted to whatever it is that they're 00:07:45.180 --> 00:07:49.379 physically attracted to. But I do want to note 00:07:49.379 --> 00:07:52.740 that I think a lot of times we tend to overly 00:07:52.740 --> 00:07:55.519 emphasize some of these physical traits. Physical 00:07:55.519 --> 00:07:58.800 attraction in humans anyways seem to be quite 00:07:58.800 --> 00:08:02.079 complex, is definitely varied. There's no like 00:08:02.079 --> 00:08:05.120 one thing that everybody seems to be after, at 00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:06.959 least when it comes to people that you actually 00:08:06.959 --> 00:08:08.680 want to develop some kind of relationship with, 00:08:08.740 --> 00:08:11.259 right? Not like just like maybe just like have 00:08:11.259 --> 00:08:13.920 sex with, right? But like actually develop a 00:08:13.920 --> 00:08:17.220 real relationship, right? That kind of deeper 00:08:17.220 --> 00:08:19.680 level attraction is much more complex for humans 00:08:19.680 --> 00:08:21.860 and involves a lot of things that go beyond just 00:08:21.860 --> 00:08:23.620 physical traits. I think this is kind of often 00:08:23.620 --> 00:08:26.459 under discussed. I can find people attractive, 00:08:26.660 --> 00:08:29.339 but never actually think of dating them, right? 00:08:29.500 --> 00:08:31.040 I can find them physically attractive, but not 00:08:31.040 --> 00:08:33.240 think to actually date them or even be friends 00:08:33.240 --> 00:08:35.980 with them, right? Or be around them. That would 00:08:35.980 --> 00:08:39.519 depend heavily on a range of factors that... 00:08:39.950 --> 00:08:42.049 besides the physical, that would draw me to that 00:08:42.049 --> 00:08:45.029 person, like conversation and, you know, shared 00:08:45.029 --> 00:08:48.870 interests, shared values, worldview, you know, 00:08:48.870 --> 00:08:52.590 experience, like shared, you know, experience 00:08:52.590 --> 00:08:55.769 of the world and so on. But to say that seeing 00:08:55.769 --> 00:08:57.429 this out there in the world doesn't impact you 00:08:57.429 --> 00:08:59.269 in any way would be a lie, right? If I were to 00:08:59.269 --> 00:09:01.529 say that, like, look, these physical features 00:09:01.529 --> 00:09:04.009 don't make any difference. I would be lying to 00:09:04.009 --> 00:09:06.210 you, right? It does make a difference. We are 00:09:06.210 --> 00:09:07.529 attracted to who we're attracted to. Some of 00:09:07.529 --> 00:09:10.549 it is shaped by our own experience. Some of it 00:09:10.549 --> 00:09:13.889 is shaped by media telling us these are kind 00:09:13.889 --> 00:09:17.409 of like the standards of beauty. We get them 00:09:17.409 --> 00:09:19.470 from somewhere, right? Again, it comes from somewhere, 00:09:19.549 --> 00:09:22.929 right? Depending on what you're exposed to and 00:09:22.929 --> 00:09:24.149 what you experience, you're going to have your 00:09:24.149 --> 00:09:26.389 own standard for what you find to be physically 00:09:26.389 --> 00:09:29.610 attractive. One thing that does happen is that 00:09:29.610 --> 00:09:31.450 some of these standards in the outside world 00:09:31.450 --> 00:09:35.450 often gets internalized. And, you know, we can 00:09:35.450 --> 00:09:37.409 start seeing ourselves by these standards. And 00:09:37.409 --> 00:09:39.450 I think this is some of the ways in which this 00:09:39.450 --> 00:09:43.769 standard of beauty or physical attractiveness 00:09:43.769 --> 00:09:46.090 kind of becomes kind of insecurity when we don't 00:09:46.090 --> 00:09:49.669 see it in ourselves. So that's with regards to 00:09:49.669 --> 00:09:53.029 like height, maybe muscle mass. I actually am 00:09:53.029 --> 00:09:55.250 not completely certain where the whole penis 00:09:55.250 --> 00:09:59.039 size things come from exactly. i know that guys 00:09:59.039 --> 00:10:01.000 tease each other for having like a small dick 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:04.740 all right but then when i researched this at 00:10:04.740 --> 00:10:06.419 some point i think i think in college i was like 00:10:06.419 --> 00:10:08.139 curious about it because like you know it's like 00:10:08.139 --> 00:10:10.419 oh like just scientifically like what would be 00:10:10.419 --> 00:10:12.940 the average penis size right um i found myself 00:10:12.940 --> 00:10:16.820 you know i think maybe at some point i was a 00:10:16.820 --> 00:10:18.440 little bit insecure because i wasn't sure what 00:10:18.440 --> 00:10:19.940 the average was maybe that was part of the reason 00:10:19.940 --> 00:10:22.059 i wanted to look it up because it seems like 00:10:22.059 --> 00:10:25.990 majority of people uh would fall within a certain 00:10:25.990 --> 00:10:28.549 range like there's like a standard eye like there's 00:10:28.549 --> 00:10:30.509 like a standardized like bell curve or something 00:10:30.509 --> 00:10:34.610 uh let's be clear about something when guys tease 00:10:34.610 --> 00:10:37.429 each other about penis size it's always about 00:10:37.429 --> 00:10:40.450 length never about girth when i was looking this 00:10:40.450 --> 00:10:42.870 stuff up i was like i was always like just kind 00:10:42.870 --> 00:10:45.090 of fascinated by these sorts of conversations 00:10:45.090 --> 00:10:46.769 it was always about length never about girth 00:10:46.769 --> 00:10:48.570 which actually i don't know why right i feel 00:10:48.570 --> 00:10:52.179 like girth is probably um just as important and 00:10:52.179 --> 00:10:55.580 functionally maybe matters more and engineering 00:10:55.580 --> 00:10:58.899 majors could tell me right uh whether or not 00:10:58.899 --> 00:11:00.779 this is true right i feel like i i mean i don't 00:11:00.779 --> 00:11:03.220 know enough about physics and of this and how 00:11:03.220 --> 00:11:04.600 this all works but i feel like girth contributes 00:11:04.600 --> 00:11:07.330 to a strong stable base You know, I think about 00:11:07.330 --> 00:11:10.590 when I'm building Legos, and I want to make sure 00:11:10.590 --> 00:11:13.409 that a large Lego set doesn't topple over. I'm 00:11:13.409 --> 00:11:15.129 like, oh, it needs a strong stable base. That's 00:11:15.129 --> 00:11:18.409 kind of what girth feels like to me, right? It 00:11:18.409 --> 00:11:20.789 gives it a nice strong base. It feels like it 00:11:20.789 --> 00:11:22.710 would be super helpful for many of the penile 00:11:22.710 --> 00:11:26.009 functions that you might have. You might go ahead 00:11:26.009 --> 00:11:29.389 and use whatever it is that you use it for, for 00:11:29.389 --> 00:11:32.110 whatever function you need it for. That's besides 00:11:32.110 --> 00:11:34.309 the point. My point is just that if you've accepted 00:11:34.309 --> 00:11:37.809 your penis size, if your partner is perfectly 00:11:37.809 --> 00:11:40.269 happy with it, if it's functionally doing all 00:11:40.269 --> 00:11:44.610 the things it's supposed to do, reason dictates 00:11:44.610 --> 00:11:47.450 there should be no necessarily any reason to 00:11:47.450 --> 00:11:51.950 be insecure about it. Well, again, it's probably 00:11:51.950 --> 00:11:54.149 coming from somewhere why people get kind of 00:11:54.149 --> 00:11:57.429 worked up and think too hard about the whole 00:11:57.429 --> 00:12:00.799 penis size thing. Maybe someone said something 00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:03.120 hurtful to you or someone was disappointed in 00:12:03.120 --> 00:12:06.299 your bedroom performance. Like, we'll come back 00:12:06.299 --> 00:12:08.080 to this about the whole performance thing, right? 00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:11.299 But, you know, something probably happened to 00:12:11.299 --> 00:12:14.580 make you feel a certain way. Maybe it snowballed 00:12:14.580 --> 00:12:16.679 into something more. You know, this kind of happens 00:12:16.679 --> 00:12:18.860 a lot with insecurities, right? It's like you 00:12:18.860 --> 00:12:21.059 get teased once and then you become super aware 00:12:21.059 --> 00:12:25.129 of it. And then so you see it. Right. And you 00:12:25.129 --> 00:12:27.149 think about it a lot more than maybe other people 00:12:27.149 --> 00:12:29.629 necessarily do. And that just feeds into your 00:12:29.629 --> 00:12:33.049 insecurities. Right. We become more sensitive 00:12:33.049 --> 00:12:35.889 to it and aware of it and then, you know, become 00:12:35.889 --> 00:12:38.350 to some degree like paranoid about this kind 00:12:38.350 --> 00:12:42.509 of stuff. Look, I'm not going to tell anyone 00:12:42.509 --> 00:12:45.230 ever to be insecure about any aspect of their 00:12:45.230 --> 00:12:48.490 body. OK. What I'm trying to do is acknowledge 00:12:48.490 --> 00:12:52.490 that it obviously exists when it comes to insecurities 00:12:52.490 --> 00:12:55.080 about our bodies. Right. This is not a gendered 00:12:55.080 --> 00:12:57.600 thing, right? Like men experience it too. I think 00:12:57.600 --> 00:12:59.460 just a lot of men don't necessarily talk about 00:12:59.460 --> 00:13:02.960 it. But I want to talk about it in the open because 00:13:02.960 --> 00:13:05.299 the first thing I want us to do is not be in 00:13:05.299 --> 00:13:07.720 denial about it, right? Like men need to stop 00:13:07.720 --> 00:13:09.740 pretending like they don't have these insecurities. 00:13:10.460 --> 00:13:12.659 and they don't feel shame about it or whatever, 00:13:12.799 --> 00:13:15.240 right? Like, stop being in denial about it. Just 00:13:15.240 --> 00:13:17.320 acknowledge it, right? Admit it to yourself that 00:13:17.320 --> 00:13:19.659 you have them, that there might be aspects of 00:13:19.659 --> 00:13:21.759 your body that you don't necessarily like, or 00:13:21.759 --> 00:13:24.320 maybe you don't have a problem with it, but you 00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:27.299 feel like other people seem to get on your case 00:13:27.299 --> 00:13:30.159 about it or tease you for it or, you know, don't 00:13:30.159 --> 00:13:31.919 want to date you for it or I don't know, whatever 00:13:31.919 --> 00:13:33.379 else you might be thinking in your head, right? 00:13:34.700 --> 00:13:36.659 And I'm sorry if you haven't found the space 00:13:36.659 --> 00:13:38.639 to be able to acknowledge it out loud. But in 00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:40.259 the least, I hope you acknowledge it to yourself. 00:13:40.720 --> 00:13:42.840 All right? In the least. I think that's probably 00:13:42.840 --> 00:13:44.399 a good starting point because once you kind of 00:13:44.399 --> 00:13:45.940 acknowledge it to yourself, it honestly becomes 00:13:45.940 --> 00:13:48.299 a lot easier to talk about it in the open. My 00:13:48.299 --> 00:13:50.399 guess is probably because you realize other people 00:13:50.399 --> 00:13:54.000 probably have them too. Right? But look, there's 00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:55.960 no point in denying it because it'll haunt you 00:13:55.960 --> 00:13:57.500 for the rest of your life if you don't. It's 00:13:57.500 --> 00:13:59.799 exhausting, honestly, to live with these insecurities, 00:13:59.899 --> 00:14:02.120 right? Trust me, it feels really good to just 00:14:02.120 --> 00:14:04.840 say it out loud, and that way you could deal 00:14:04.840 --> 00:14:07.039 with the feelings and then find a way to work 00:14:07.039 --> 00:14:09.980 through them. Here's also why I want to just 00:14:09.980 --> 00:14:13.320 acknowledge these types of insecurities. Once 00:14:13.320 --> 00:14:16.240 you're able to acknowledge them, you can actually 00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:18.080 have conversations about it. I'm talking like 00:14:18.080 --> 00:14:21.429 real conversations, right? Talk about where you 00:14:21.429 --> 00:14:23.669 get those insecurities, right? Like this is where 00:14:23.669 --> 00:14:26.090 the real like deeper conversations could happen 00:14:26.090 --> 00:14:28.090 with friends, right? You can talk about where 00:14:28.090 --> 00:14:30.230 it is that those insecurities come from. You 00:14:30.230 --> 00:14:31.889 could get a better understanding of each other 00:14:31.889 --> 00:14:35.230 if you share out loud why you feel insecure about, 00:14:35.309 --> 00:14:37.950 you know, what you feel insecure about. And, 00:14:38.049 --> 00:14:39.990 you know, friends care about each other, right? 00:14:40.049 --> 00:14:42.149 So they'll do their best not to like step on 00:14:42.149 --> 00:14:45.659 your sore spots, right? But it's a chance for 00:14:45.659 --> 00:14:47.600 you to kind of have these conversations about 00:14:47.600 --> 00:14:51.419 your past experience, what has hurt you. You 00:14:51.419 --> 00:14:53.500 get to really work through a lot of these feelings, 00:14:53.620 --> 00:14:56.820 both from the past and present, that center around 00:14:56.820 --> 00:14:59.039 these sorts of insecurities, right? And you gain 00:14:59.039 --> 00:15:02.059 clarity as a result. You gain clarity over your 00:15:02.059 --> 00:15:05.870 insecurities. Having insecurities is perfectly 00:15:05.870 --> 00:15:08.610 normal. Having insecurities doesn't make you 00:15:08.610 --> 00:15:12.090 a bitch. I can't stress it enough. I don't care 00:15:12.090 --> 00:15:16.309 that men have insecurities. The fact that you're 00:15:16.309 --> 00:15:18.450 in denial of your insecurities, that's what makes 00:15:18.450 --> 00:15:22.549 you a bitch. Because being in denial of your 00:15:22.549 --> 00:15:25.490 insecurities means that you're not actually dealing 00:15:25.490 --> 00:15:28.970 with it. And all this excessive concern over 00:15:28.970 --> 00:15:32.769 your bodily features... That's really, for me, 00:15:32.929 --> 00:15:36.789 I just see that bitchness leaking out of you 00:15:36.789 --> 00:15:40.669 in other ways. The more you try to cover it up, 00:15:40.710 --> 00:15:42.850 the more you try to obsess over these ideas, 00:15:43.029 --> 00:15:46.210 the more you're likely to put other people down 00:15:46.210 --> 00:15:48.870 or try to build yourself up by focusing on these 00:15:48.870 --> 00:15:52.289 sort of physical traits. And the more you do 00:15:52.289 --> 00:15:53.769 that, the more I just see you as an insecure 00:15:53.769 --> 00:15:57.419 bitch. So maybe this should give you some comfort, 00:15:57.480 --> 00:15:59.500 I think. The next time someone engages in some 00:15:59.500 --> 00:16:02.139 body shaming, you just look at them and ask yourself, 00:16:02.200 --> 00:16:04.340 what kind of insecurities do they have that they 00:16:04.340 --> 00:16:06.840 feel a need to shame others, right? And then 00:16:06.840 --> 00:16:09.120 in your mind, you could just be thinking like, 00:16:09.220 --> 00:16:11.100 oh man, the fact that they're doing it just tells 00:16:11.100 --> 00:16:13.779 me that guy's a bitch, right? Hey guys, seriously, 00:16:13.980 --> 00:16:18.580 men come in all shapes and sizes. You're given 00:16:18.580 --> 00:16:21.250 what you're given. If you want to change the 00:16:21.250 --> 00:16:23.029 way you look, I'm not going to be mad at you, 00:16:23.129 --> 00:16:26.070 right? Look, if you are like, I am not in shape, 00:16:26.210 --> 00:16:28.929 I am out of shape, it is causing health problems, 00:16:29.110 --> 00:16:31.370 I want to get in shape, it's going to change 00:16:31.370 --> 00:16:33.830 the way I look physically, and then I feel better 00:16:33.830 --> 00:16:36.629 when I look better. I don't know, maybe you want 00:16:36.629 --> 00:16:38.409 soft skin. I don't know what the deal is, right? 00:16:38.470 --> 00:16:40.350 If you want to change the way that you look because 00:16:40.350 --> 00:16:43.250 you want to do it for yourself, I ain't going 00:16:43.250 --> 00:16:48.870 to judge you, right? You do you, okay? I don't 00:16:48.870 --> 00:16:50.269 have a problem with that. I don't have a problem 00:16:50.269 --> 00:16:52.970 with plastic surgery in general, like just in 00:16:52.970 --> 00:16:57.490 and of itself, right? What I want you to consider, 00:16:57.509 --> 00:17:01.370 though, is why you're getting it. That's what 00:17:01.370 --> 00:17:03.870 tells me whether or not you're a bitch, right? 00:17:04.150 --> 00:17:07.650 If your decision is rooted in some insecurities 00:17:07.650 --> 00:17:10.750 about your body and you're changing your outward 00:17:10.750 --> 00:17:13.750 appearance instead of dealing with the insecurity 00:17:13.750 --> 00:17:17.200 that's within, then you're a bitch. But you're 00:17:17.200 --> 00:17:20.500 a bitch because all you're doing is avoiding 00:17:20.500 --> 00:17:22.700 the real issue, right? You're being a coward. 00:17:23.180 --> 00:17:26.299 You're avoiding being a grown -up and dealing 00:17:26.299 --> 00:17:30.539 with your real feelings, right? And by not facing 00:17:30.539 --> 00:17:33.259 yourself in the mirror head -on in this way and 00:17:33.259 --> 00:17:36.160 instead just trying to change the physical features 00:17:36.160 --> 00:17:40.079 on the outside to try to help whatever it is 00:17:40.079 --> 00:17:42.500 you're feeling inside without actually dealing 00:17:42.500 --> 00:17:45.799 with those feelings inside, right? like that 00:17:45.799 --> 00:17:49.099 just that just makes you a bitch right i had 00:17:49.099 --> 00:17:51.700 i hate that the world left you feeling like you 00:17:51.700 --> 00:17:54.319 needed to change your body okay to the point 00:17:54.319 --> 00:17:56.920 that you felt the need to like you actually went 00:17:56.920 --> 00:17:59.079 through and change your body right that's fucked 00:17:59.079 --> 00:18:02.039 up that's it's not right the world shouldn't 00:18:02.039 --> 00:18:05.480 be designed in a way where we are bringing people 00:18:05.480 --> 00:18:07.480 down in this way right if anything i would hope 00:18:07.480 --> 00:18:09.799 for a society where we're lifting each other 00:18:09.799 --> 00:18:13.210 up And that we acknowledge that people just have 00:18:13.210 --> 00:18:17.150 different bodies and it is what it is. I'm sorry 00:18:17.150 --> 00:18:20.769 you had to experience that. I am not going to 00:18:20.769 --> 00:18:24.269 judge you or shame you or put you down or blame 00:18:24.269 --> 00:18:28.430 you for the way that the world has impacted you 00:18:28.430 --> 00:18:31.410 in these ways. But the way to deal with it... 00:18:31.759 --> 00:18:34.779 is honestly like how you deal with it matters 00:18:34.779 --> 00:18:37.819 right like look i can't you're right that the 00:18:37.819 --> 00:18:40.839 world could be screwed up left you with a lot 00:18:40.839 --> 00:18:43.740 of pain and suffering but the way you respond 00:18:43.740 --> 00:18:47.200 that's on you and you could deal with it by trying 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:50.700 to change your outward appearance okay or you 00:18:50.700 --> 00:18:52.559 could deal with the actual underlying feelings 00:18:52.559 --> 00:18:56.200 i'll tell you this much right from my experience 00:18:56.200 --> 00:18:58.259 changing your body won't change the way you feel 00:18:58.259 --> 00:19:01.200 inside That's because, again, the issue, the 00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:03.759 root issue isn't your appearance. There's nothing 00:19:03.759 --> 00:19:06.460 necessarily wrong with your appearance. What's 00:19:06.460 --> 00:19:09.740 causing you to feel the way that you do is something 00:19:09.740 --> 00:19:12.819 in you. And that's what you need to address. 00:19:13.019 --> 00:19:15.980 You need to address the way that you look at 00:19:15.980 --> 00:19:18.619 yourself, the way you feel about yourself, wherever 00:19:18.619 --> 00:19:22.720 that's coming from. It's really something internal 00:19:22.720 --> 00:19:25.519 to you. It's not necessarily your body. And I 00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:27.180 can honestly speak from my own personal experience. 00:19:27.259 --> 00:19:29.759 Like I've struggled a lot with my weight. And 00:19:29.759 --> 00:19:32.380 there were times when I weighed a lot more than 00:19:32.380 --> 00:19:36.299 I did at other times. And, you know, I realized 00:19:36.299 --> 00:19:39.519 at some point, right, like no matter how much 00:19:39.519 --> 00:19:42.559 of a quote unquote in shape I became, I think 00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:44.819 there was like a period in college and in grad 00:19:44.819 --> 00:19:46.839 school where, you know, I was doing a pretty 00:19:46.839 --> 00:19:49.799 good job of maintaining my body in certain ways. 00:19:49.839 --> 00:19:51.619 Well, with the exception of my time in Boston, 00:19:51.720 --> 00:19:54.779 I kind of let myself go there, right? But I would 00:19:54.779 --> 00:19:57.960 play a lot of basketball. I would exercise, weight 00:19:57.960 --> 00:20:01.279 lift, do all these things. But at no point did 00:20:01.279 --> 00:20:04.039 I actually ever feel good about my body. Even 00:20:04.039 --> 00:20:05.940 if I got compliments from other people, I never 00:20:05.940 --> 00:20:08.700 felt good about my body. I mean, that just kind 00:20:08.700 --> 00:20:10.519 of goes to show you, right? Like, look, you could 00:20:10.519 --> 00:20:12.160 change your physical appearance, but you're still 00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:14.180 going to look at yourself a certain way if you 00:20:14.180 --> 00:20:17.180 don't deal with what's internal to you, right? 00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:20.059 Which is how you view yourself. I saw myself 00:20:20.059 --> 00:20:22.400 as fat. I saw myself as out of shape. I saw myself 00:20:22.400 --> 00:20:25.670 as... somebody who's not good looking this stems 00:20:25.670 --> 00:20:28.650 from a lot of my own experience of being teased 00:20:28.650 --> 00:20:30.890 and like you know that snowballing to like self 00:20:30.890 --> 00:20:33.670 -image issues from back in like junior high and 00:20:33.670 --> 00:20:37.430 high school um that also contributed by like 00:20:37.430 --> 00:20:39.549 feeling socially awkward a lot of the times in 00:20:39.549 --> 00:20:42.930 those years and that self -image just never went 00:20:42.930 --> 00:20:46.970 away so it didn't matter if i actually looked 00:20:46.970 --> 00:20:51.089 differently i still saw myself as the same kid 00:20:51.089 --> 00:20:53.480 that i you know, that I saw in myself, like back 00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:56.099 when I was in junior high and high school. Okay. 00:20:57.720 --> 00:21:03.599 All this to say, look, your body is your body. 00:21:03.740 --> 00:21:05.740 You're given what you're given. You work with 00:21:05.740 --> 00:21:09.240 what, you know, you got to work with. Okay. Again, 00:21:09.319 --> 00:21:10.799 no judgment on you if you want to change the 00:21:10.799 --> 00:21:13.619 way you look. Okay. You know, people do that. 00:21:13.660 --> 00:21:15.180 I mean, when I talk to people who get a lot of 00:21:15.180 --> 00:21:17.980 tattoos, it's like the same idea. they it's not 00:21:17.980 --> 00:21:20.240 that they don't like hate their body or something 00:21:20.240 --> 00:21:23.059 they don't hate their body it's just they see 00:21:23.059 --> 00:21:24.759 the tattoos as like an art form or something 00:21:24.759 --> 00:21:26.579 like that so like look if getting plastic surgery 00:21:26.579 --> 00:21:29.140 is like that it's like okay i want to do this 00:21:29.140 --> 00:21:31.819 because you know i feel i want to use my body 00:21:31.819 --> 00:21:34.779 as like a piece of art or something go for it 00:21:34.779 --> 00:21:38.920 i don't really care but if it's rooted in some 00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:41.579 internal stuff that you're not you're avoiding 00:21:42.490 --> 00:21:44.269 Instead of actually dealing with it, you're just 00:21:44.269 --> 00:21:46.650 changing your physical appearance. That's a red 00:21:46.650 --> 00:21:48.589 flag for me. That just tells me that you're an 00:21:48.589 --> 00:21:50.470 insecure bitch. You need to work on your bitchness. 00:21:50.509 --> 00:21:55.369 You don't need to worry about your looks. Hope 00:21:55.369 --> 00:21:58.329 that makes sense. Okay. Adjacent to the body 00:21:58.329 --> 00:22:00.950 image issue is the body count issue. I think 00:22:00.950 --> 00:22:03.369 these are actually kind of similar as related. 00:22:04.410 --> 00:22:06.690 And I'm talking in both directions when I'm talking 00:22:06.690 --> 00:22:08.430 about body count, right? I'm talking about both 00:22:08.430 --> 00:22:11.000 keeping track of your own body count. and also 00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:13.759 being concerned with other people's body counts, 00:22:13.920 --> 00:22:15.980 namely like the person you might be interested 00:22:15.980 --> 00:22:18.519 in dating. Okay, let's begin with why the fuck 00:22:18.519 --> 00:22:20.460 you're keeping track of your own body count. 00:22:20.519 --> 00:22:22.660 Let's start there, okay? Let me ask you this. 00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:25.160 Why does it matter to you how many people you 00:22:25.160 --> 00:22:30.539 slept with? Why are you even keeping track? I'll 00:22:30.539 --> 00:22:33.920 tell you some hard facts, right? People in committed 00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:35.900 relationships, at least the last time I saw studies 00:22:35.900 --> 00:22:37.279 on this, right? The people in committed relationships 00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:40.160 have way more sex than people who sleep around 00:22:40.160 --> 00:22:44.119 with different people regularly. Okay? So, in 00:22:44.119 --> 00:22:47.119 the least, body count is definitely not reflective 00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:50.680 of how much sex you have. It's also not a reflection 00:22:50.680 --> 00:22:54.279 of how experienced you are. Having sex with one 00:22:54.279 --> 00:22:56.599 person, but really taking the time to get to 00:22:56.599 --> 00:22:59.380 know that person's body and your own desires 00:22:59.380 --> 00:23:03.380 and kind of experimenting and having a deeper 00:23:03.380 --> 00:23:06.079 understanding of your own and another person's 00:23:06.079 --> 00:23:10.420 sexuality, right? That honestly will probably 00:23:10.420 --> 00:23:12.940 give you a better experience than going around 00:23:12.940 --> 00:23:14.200 and sleeping with a bunch of different people 00:23:14.200 --> 00:23:17.230 that you don't really know very well. So if body 00:23:17.230 --> 00:23:19.630 count is not a reflection of how much sex you 00:23:19.630 --> 00:23:22.049 have or how much experience you have or how knowledgeable 00:23:22.049 --> 00:23:24.470 or how quote unquote skilled you are at having 00:23:24.470 --> 00:23:26.930 sex, I don't even know if that's a real, maybe 00:23:26.930 --> 00:23:29.049 it's kind of a skill scale. I don't know. Then 00:23:29.049 --> 00:23:31.470 why are you thinking about your body count so 00:23:31.470 --> 00:23:34.509 much? I'll tell you what I think it is, right? 00:23:34.589 --> 00:23:37.769 Again, I'm not an expert. I don't know you. Everybody's 00:23:37.769 --> 00:23:41.490 different. You can tell me if I'm wrong, okay? 00:23:41.750 --> 00:23:44.329 My guess is that you're concerned with body count 00:23:44.329 --> 00:23:47.809 because you're insecure about some shit. Maybe 00:23:47.809 --> 00:23:49.809 you're insecure about how attractive you are, 00:23:49.910 --> 00:23:53.750 so maybe you use body count as a way to validate 00:23:53.750 --> 00:23:57.710 the fact that other people might be attracted 00:23:57.710 --> 00:24:00.250 towards you, willing to have sex with you. Maybe 00:24:00.250 --> 00:24:01.690 in your mind, you think that the more people 00:24:01.690 --> 00:24:03.569 you sleep with, the more it means that people 00:24:03.569 --> 00:24:07.900 are... willing because they're willing to have 00:24:07.900 --> 00:24:09.700 sex with you that means that they are actually 00:24:09.700 --> 00:24:12.720 attracted to you though i don't know like knowing 00:24:12.720 --> 00:24:15.039 from experience from friends and so on like a 00:24:15.039 --> 00:24:17.079 lot of times people end up sleeping around for 00:24:17.079 --> 00:24:18.460 all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do 00:24:18.460 --> 00:24:21.940 with attraction um again probably stems from 00:24:21.940 --> 00:24:24.759 some sort of insecurity look you're being an 00:24:24.759 --> 00:24:27.720 insecure bitch that's what you're being okay 00:24:27.720 --> 00:24:31.019 if you need to have sex to feel desired then 00:24:31.019 --> 00:24:32.500 you need to figure out what that shit's about 00:24:32.799 --> 00:24:35.740 You need to figure out why it is that you don't 00:24:35.740 --> 00:24:39.400 feel desired, right? Did someone shame you or 00:24:39.400 --> 00:24:41.259 were you rejected by someone you really liked 00:24:41.259 --> 00:24:43.940 and now this is your way of coping? By having 00:24:43.940 --> 00:24:46.000 sex with as many partners as you can, do you 00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:50.779 feel like now you're objectively attractive or 00:24:50.779 --> 00:24:55.400 desirable in some ways? Maybe this is some competitive 00:24:55.400 --> 00:24:57.480 thing and you feel jealous of someone else who 00:24:57.480 --> 00:25:01.460 seems to have all these potential partners. OK, 00:25:01.579 --> 00:25:03.859 like all these scream to me that you're an insecure 00:25:03.859 --> 00:25:07.059 bitch. Right. Deal with the core issue. Right. 00:25:07.099 --> 00:25:09.220 Deal with your jealousy. Deal with your insecurity 00:25:09.220 --> 00:25:12.380 about, you know, how attractive you are, because 00:25:12.380 --> 00:25:15.140 clearly you're insecure about something like 00:25:15.140 --> 00:25:16.680 that's what it sounds like. That's what it looks 00:25:16.680 --> 00:25:20.380 like to me. It doesn't seem like, you know, you're 00:25:20.380 --> 00:25:22.940 keeping count of your own body count has anything 00:25:22.940 --> 00:25:26.960 to do with anything that is in any way meaningful. 00:25:29.640 --> 00:25:32.720 By the way, this also goes in the other direction 00:25:32.720 --> 00:25:36.019 with men who feel pride for having a low body 00:25:36.019 --> 00:25:38.200 count. I've actually seen this as well. There's 00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:43.460 men who feel some sort of pride that they haven't 00:25:43.460 --> 00:25:46.579 slept around with a bunch of people. But it's 00:25:46.579 --> 00:25:48.779 honestly, for me, it's the same thing. Why are 00:25:48.779 --> 00:25:52.900 you taking pride in it? Why? Is it because you 00:25:52.900 --> 00:25:55.200 want to take some moral high ground, you arrogant 00:25:55.200 --> 00:25:58.759 bitch? Or is it because you're actually insecure 00:25:58.759 --> 00:26:01.359 about your body count, so you want to diminish 00:26:01.359 --> 00:26:05.420 the significance of other people having a higher 00:26:05.420 --> 00:26:08.160 body count? I mean, which is it? Either way, 00:26:08.200 --> 00:26:11.720 you're being a bitch, right? Either way, this 00:26:11.720 --> 00:26:15.079 is really not about the body count stuff. The 00:26:15.079 --> 00:26:18.420 body count really is just a signal for me. that 00:26:18.420 --> 00:26:20.460 there's something else going on in you right 00:26:20.460 --> 00:26:22.720 like there's something that you're trying to 00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:25.039 compensate for or there's something else that 00:26:25.039 --> 00:26:27.880 you're trying to make yourself feel better about 00:26:27.880 --> 00:26:30.319 yourself with regards to this whole body count 00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:32.319 thing right like look what i'm pointing out is 00:26:32.319 --> 00:26:34.380 this right when you keep track of your own body 00:26:34.380 --> 00:26:37.279 a body count right it feels like it's not really 00:26:37.279 --> 00:26:40.839 the body count that matters it seems like for 00:26:40.839 --> 00:26:43.259 me it's an indication that there's something 00:26:43.259 --> 00:26:46.720 else going on in you Right. I think it'll help 00:26:46.720 --> 00:26:48.740 to ask yourself why you're so concerned about 00:26:48.740 --> 00:26:50.460 it. I honestly don't think it matters at all. 00:26:50.539 --> 00:26:53.200 Personally, everyone has a relationship history 00:26:53.200 --> 00:26:56.940 of some kind. You know, it might not be like 00:26:56.940 --> 00:26:58.960 some deep committed relationship. Maybe it's 00:26:58.960 --> 00:27:01.960 just people that you've had a crush on, unrequited 00:27:01.960 --> 00:27:06.900 love, like your first relationship. you know, 00:27:06.900 --> 00:27:08.579 the relationship that helped you learn a lot 00:27:08.579 --> 00:27:10.339 about yourself. It could be like a friendship 00:27:10.339 --> 00:27:13.299 that never blossomed, but, you know, it was super 00:27:13.299 --> 00:27:16.140 meaningful. The ups and downs, the moments of 00:27:16.140 --> 00:27:19.019 uncontrolled passion or pain, right? These are 00:27:19.019 --> 00:27:21.059 all part of the journey of learning how to be 00:27:21.059 --> 00:27:23.740 in a romantic relationship, all part of learning 00:27:23.740 --> 00:27:25.940 about you in the context of relationship, or 00:27:25.940 --> 00:27:28.759 maybe it was just a moment of physical attraction 00:27:28.759 --> 00:27:32.160 that just took you over in that moment. But all 00:27:32.160 --> 00:27:33.920 these moments, these experiences, they're all 00:27:33.920 --> 00:27:37.700 ones that give you insight into what you are 00:27:37.700 --> 00:27:41.339 really like, what you enjoy, what you don't, 00:27:41.339 --> 00:27:43.119 what's a good fit for you, what's not a good 00:27:43.119 --> 00:27:46.119 fit for you. You know, we learn from these relationships. 00:27:46.220 --> 00:27:49.599 We should ideally grow from them. But everyone 00:27:49.599 --> 00:27:51.240 needs to go through them, right? Like there's 00:27:51.240 --> 00:27:52.839 no way to learn without actually having gone 00:27:52.839 --> 00:27:55.400 through it, right? And so for everyone, the journey 00:27:55.400 --> 00:27:59.039 looks different. The journey is what it is. And, 00:27:59.039 --> 00:28:01.400 you know, you're going to learn something different 00:28:01.400 --> 00:28:03.319 from it depending on your own experience, right? 00:28:04.059 --> 00:28:06.380 But that's what matters, right? It's the journey, 00:28:06.519 --> 00:28:08.839 right? When you start keeping track of body count, 00:28:08.960 --> 00:28:11.500 you're not focusing on the journey because you're 00:28:11.500 --> 00:28:14.259 using the number for something, right? The number 00:28:14.259 --> 00:28:18.079 is like a stand -in for something like validation 00:28:18.079 --> 00:28:21.720 or something else, right? The number itself honestly 00:28:21.720 --> 00:28:25.059 shouldn't matter if you're focusing on the ways 00:28:25.059 --> 00:28:27.019 that you've learned from your experience with 00:28:27.019 --> 00:28:28.920 the people that you've encountered and had these 00:28:28.920 --> 00:28:32.599 relationships with along the way. So I'll ask 00:28:32.599 --> 00:28:35.019 you again, why do you care about your body count? 00:28:35.259 --> 00:28:38.640 Why does it actually matter to you? And I think 00:28:38.640 --> 00:28:40.519 once you start asking that question of yourself, 00:28:40.759 --> 00:28:44.099 you'll start to realize, yeah, the body count, 00:28:44.359 --> 00:28:49.599 why was I keeping track of it? What was this 00:28:49.599 --> 00:28:51.740 all about? When you start asking these questions, 00:28:51.839 --> 00:28:55.400 you start digging into exactly what's going on 00:28:55.400 --> 00:28:57.200 underneath the surface. And that's really what 00:28:57.200 --> 00:28:58.440 you need to deal with if you don't want to be 00:28:58.440 --> 00:29:05.640 a bitch. Now, let's shift our concern to your 00:29:05.640 --> 00:29:07.680 concern with other people's body count, right? 00:29:07.980 --> 00:29:11.660 So this is when people are thinking about their 00:29:11.660 --> 00:29:14.019 partner or their potential partner's body count. 00:29:14.140 --> 00:29:16.400 They want to know how many people they've slept 00:29:16.400 --> 00:29:20.619 with in the past. Okay, let me ask you, why do 00:29:20.619 --> 00:29:23.779 you want to know their body count? What the fuck 00:29:23.779 --> 00:29:28.640 is that about? Now, I get that you might be curious 00:29:28.640 --> 00:29:30.700 about your potential partner's body count. But 00:29:30.700 --> 00:29:34.059 again, why are you concerned about it? Why are 00:29:34.059 --> 00:29:35.980 you curious about it? Why do you want to know 00:29:35.980 --> 00:29:38.859 so bad? Now, I guess if you're concerned about 00:29:38.859 --> 00:29:41.359 STDs, and I'm a big proponent of people talking 00:29:41.359 --> 00:29:44.440 openly about their sexual past. I used to not 00:29:44.440 --> 00:29:47.740 be that way because, you know, I come from a 00:29:47.740 --> 00:29:49.359 shame culture. This is something you don't talk 00:29:49.359 --> 00:29:51.319 about. But I think the more that I think about 00:29:51.319 --> 00:29:53.480 it, like from a rational, you know, rationally, 00:29:53.519 --> 00:29:54.880 I think like, oh, it's kind of helps to know 00:29:54.880 --> 00:29:58.099 to some degree. For the sake of being concerned 00:29:58.099 --> 00:30:02.460 with STDs, medical reasons, it may be something 00:30:02.460 --> 00:30:05.200 that you have a legit concern over. But even 00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:07.980 here, you don't need to know body count. What 00:30:07.980 --> 00:30:11.299 you really want to know is whether or not they 00:30:11.299 --> 00:30:15.859 have an STD or not. Whether or not you need to 00:30:15.859 --> 00:30:18.539 be careful about how it is that you and what 00:30:18.539 --> 00:30:21.029 kind of sexual activity you engage in. Whether 00:30:21.029 --> 00:30:23.829 or not they were tested recently, whether they 00:30:23.829 --> 00:30:25.569 should be tested recently just to be on the safe 00:30:25.569 --> 00:30:29.990 side. That's what matters. The body count doesn't 00:30:29.990 --> 00:30:33.650 matter. The body count is like a stand -in. You're 00:30:33.650 --> 00:30:36.710 using it as some sort of metric to figure out 00:30:36.710 --> 00:30:39.910 whether or not they might potentially have an 00:30:39.910 --> 00:30:43.529 SED. It doesn't necessarily mean that they have 00:30:43.529 --> 00:30:46.650 or don't have an SED, right? So go to the thing 00:30:46.650 --> 00:30:48.289 that actually matters then. If you're concerned 00:30:48.289 --> 00:30:51.210 about like, you know, SEDs, then just find out 00:30:51.210 --> 00:30:55.950 about SEDs. Not a big deal. Maybe you're concerned 00:30:55.950 --> 00:30:57.470 with something else. Maybe you're concerned with 00:30:57.470 --> 00:30:59.089 whether or not your partner has had a lot of 00:30:59.089 --> 00:31:02.029 experience because maybe you value people who 00:31:02.029 --> 00:31:05.029 don't go sleeping around with a bunch of people. 00:31:06.250 --> 00:31:08.109 You know, like some people have this sort of 00:31:08.109 --> 00:31:11.420 value, right? Where it's like, sex is a reflection, 00:31:11.559 --> 00:31:13.799 should be a reflection, maybe that's part of 00:31:13.799 --> 00:31:15.299 their value. That should be a reflection of some 00:31:15.299 --> 00:31:17.640 deeper feelings. It shouldn't be just some physical 00:31:17.640 --> 00:31:21.500 act, right? And, you know, fair enough. Like 00:31:21.500 --> 00:31:23.059 you have those values, you have those values, 00:31:23.079 --> 00:31:24.859 and maybe you want to find somebody who shares 00:31:24.859 --> 00:31:29.319 those values, right? It's maybe you connected 00:31:29.319 --> 00:31:32.900 with other values that you hold about loyalty, 00:31:33.019 --> 00:31:36.119 consistency, whether or not they genuinely invest 00:31:36.119 --> 00:31:39.859 in relationships or whether they just are about 00:31:39.859 --> 00:31:41.900 the physical attraction in the moment and then 00:31:41.900 --> 00:31:44.259 they move on. Maybe those are things that you're 00:31:44.259 --> 00:31:47.140 concerned with and you are somebody who's looking 00:31:47.140 --> 00:31:49.880 to invest time, energy into a real relationship. 00:31:50.759 --> 00:31:52.640 And so you care about the body count because 00:31:52.640 --> 00:31:55.119 you want to make sure that, you know, when it 00:31:55.119 --> 00:31:59.539 comes to the physical connection, it's a reflection 00:31:59.539 --> 00:32:02.079 of something deeper. Maybe, I don't know. This 00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:05.319 is one possibility. But then let's be honest, 00:32:05.420 --> 00:32:08.039 right? The body count really isn't the best metric 00:32:08.039 --> 00:32:09.960 for identifying these shared values. You know 00:32:09.960 --> 00:32:13.779 what is a way to identify these shared values 00:32:13.779 --> 00:32:16.200 is to actually have conversations with them, 00:32:16.200 --> 00:32:18.589 right? But I'm asking in earnest, right? Like, 00:32:18.589 --> 00:32:20.990 does body count really matter for determining 00:32:20.990 --> 00:32:22.950 whether or not you have these sheer values? Look, 00:32:23.009 --> 00:32:25.710 because here's some possibilities, right? Here's 00:32:25.710 --> 00:32:27.849 one possibility, right? A person might have what 00:32:27.849 --> 00:32:29.849 you consider to be a high body count because 00:32:29.849 --> 00:32:31.849 maybe they didn't know themselves in the past. 00:32:32.329 --> 00:32:35.509 They made mistakes in the past. They didn't understand 00:32:35.509 --> 00:32:38.910 their own values or what they cared about. And, 00:32:38.990 --> 00:32:41.250 you know, at some point they did some reflection. 00:32:42.349 --> 00:32:44.410 They began to understand what they're about, 00:32:44.589 --> 00:32:46.470 what kind of values they wanted to commit themselves 00:32:46.470 --> 00:32:49.829 to. You know, people all, like I said, people 00:32:49.829 --> 00:32:51.750 all learn from their experience, right? A lot 00:32:51.750 --> 00:32:53.710 of times, like, we don't know ourselves very 00:32:53.710 --> 00:32:56.069 well, and we need to go through it before we 00:32:56.069 --> 00:32:59.930 could, you know, really understand what it is 00:32:59.930 --> 00:33:02.329 that we truly care about, right? So maybe this 00:33:02.329 --> 00:33:04.349 person learned from the past, and then now they 00:33:04.349 --> 00:33:07.230 hold the same value as you, right? But maybe 00:33:07.230 --> 00:33:09.549 they had to go through some experience in order 00:33:09.549 --> 00:33:12.450 to get to that point. Okay. Now, let me ask you 00:33:12.450 --> 00:33:15.109 this. What matters to you? If what matters to 00:33:15.109 --> 00:33:17.410 you is that they share the same values as you, 00:33:17.529 --> 00:33:19.970 right, then, you know, maybe their most recent 00:33:19.970 --> 00:33:22.690 experience might be a good indication. You know, 00:33:22.690 --> 00:33:25.210 people's behaviors can be an indication of past 00:33:25.210 --> 00:33:26.849 behavior, can be indication of future behavior. 00:33:27.349 --> 00:33:29.630 But, you know, I say this with students all the 00:33:29.630 --> 00:33:31.890 time, right? Like, look, the first paper you 00:33:31.890 --> 00:33:33.630 wrote in the class might not be your greatest 00:33:33.630 --> 00:33:35.589 work, but then you might have shown vast improvement 00:33:35.589 --> 00:33:37.980 over the years. That shows me that you've learned 00:33:37.980 --> 00:33:43.279 a lot from your initial work to your last work. 00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:46.460 So it's all part of the process. Maybe they've 00:33:46.460 --> 00:33:49.559 come to hold the same values as you. Then their 00:33:49.559 --> 00:33:51.980 body count won't necessarily be a good indicator 00:33:51.980 --> 00:33:55.660 of whether or not they hold shared values. You 00:33:55.660 --> 00:33:57.579 might want to look at just their more recent 00:33:57.579 --> 00:33:59.779 history and ignore some of their older history. 00:34:00.700 --> 00:34:05.359 I don't know. Another possibility is that you 00:34:05.359 --> 00:34:09.150 have no idea. you know, why their body count 00:34:09.150 --> 00:34:11.329 is what it is and whether or not it aligns with 00:34:11.329 --> 00:34:13.309 your stated values. Like, look, it is possible 00:34:13.309 --> 00:34:15.210 that we just made a mistake. Like, people make 00:34:15.210 --> 00:34:17.730 this kind of mistake all the time where they 00:34:17.730 --> 00:34:20.530 trust somebody, they believe that it's, you know, 00:34:20.530 --> 00:34:21.789 the relationship that they're building is something 00:34:21.789 --> 00:34:24.610 more meaningful, something more committed, only 00:34:24.610 --> 00:34:26.190 to find out the other person doesn't feel that 00:34:26.190 --> 00:34:30.769 way about, you know, you. And so you might have, 00:34:30.929 --> 00:34:34.340 you know, Might have a high body count, but that's 00:34:34.340 --> 00:34:36.079 not because you don't share the same value. You 00:34:36.079 --> 00:34:39.300 just didn't pick out the right people. These 00:34:39.300 --> 00:34:41.739 people maybe didn't know themselves that they 00:34:41.739 --> 00:34:43.760 were partnered up with. Maybe they didn't know 00:34:43.760 --> 00:34:45.980 themselves or maybe they were lying to them or 00:34:45.980 --> 00:34:50.119 whatever else it might be. All I'm saying is 00:34:50.119 --> 00:34:52.239 this. If your goal is to find someone with similar 00:34:52.239 --> 00:34:54.760 values, body count is not necessarily going to 00:34:54.760 --> 00:34:57.869 be the best metric. You know what it is? Getting 00:34:57.869 --> 00:35:00.269 to actually know the person, right? Like having 00:35:00.269 --> 00:35:03.369 real conversations with them and, you know, talking 00:35:03.369 --> 00:35:06.090 about your values and then seeing behavior, I 00:35:06.090 --> 00:35:07.210 think, is probably one of the best indicators, 00:35:07.309 --> 00:35:09.329 right? So seeing how they live out those values 00:35:09.329 --> 00:35:11.969 in their day -to -day life, in, you know, their 00:35:11.969 --> 00:35:14.650 relationship with friends and family and, you 00:35:14.650 --> 00:35:17.050 know, all these other places, right? I personally 00:35:17.050 --> 00:35:20.119 trust what people do, not what they say. So I'd 00:35:20.119 --> 00:35:22.679 probably lean more heavily on what they do on 00:35:22.679 --> 00:35:25.340 a day -to -day basis. And you can see, at least 00:35:25.340 --> 00:35:29.280 to some degree, some consistency if they are 00:35:29.280 --> 00:35:31.280 living out those values in a lot of different 00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:32.960 places in their lives and they're doing it on 00:35:32.960 --> 00:35:34.860 a day -to -day basis. But you won't know that 00:35:34.860 --> 00:35:36.380 until you spend time with them, until you actually 00:35:36.380 --> 00:35:39.119 get to know them. They could lie through their 00:35:39.119 --> 00:35:42.800 teeth all they want, but their day -to -day behavior 00:35:42.800 --> 00:35:45.079 is going to be probably a good reflection of 00:35:45.079 --> 00:35:48.239 who they truly are inside. You'll need to see 00:35:48.239 --> 00:35:50.440 it for yourself. How do you do that? You date 00:35:50.440 --> 00:35:52.199 the person. You spend time with them. You take 00:35:52.199 --> 00:35:54.719 these chances, right? See how they are in different 00:35:54.719 --> 00:35:57.059 settings. Introduce them to people that are close 00:35:57.059 --> 00:35:59.139 to you so that you get a sense of how they are 00:35:59.139 --> 00:36:01.960 with the people that matter to you. I don't know. 00:36:02.179 --> 00:36:04.619 Try all these different things out, right? There's 00:36:04.619 --> 00:36:07.420 no way to really truly know a person, but the 00:36:07.420 --> 00:36:09.780 closest you can get is to spend real meaningful 00:36:09.780 --> 00:36:12.920 time with them. Asking them about their body 00:36:12.920 --> 00:36:15.559 count won't give you that kind of insight. All 00:36:15.559 --> 00:36:17.500 it's going to do is give you a number that you 00:36:17.500 --> 00:36:20.420 then take as a proxy for something, and then 00:36:20.420 --> 00:36:24.460 you just run to whatever conclusion you do with 00:36:24.460 --> 00:36:29.940 that number. Listen up. My guess is honestly 00:36:29.940 --> 00:36:33.119 that whatever excuse you make for why you care 00:36:33.119 --> 00:36:36.010 about body count... The real reason probably 00:36:36.010 --> 00:36:38.949 has something to do with your own insecurities 00:36:38.949 --> 00:36:42.369 or trauma or something else, something in your 00:36:42.369 --> 00:36:46.510 past, right? The past, everyone has a past, right? 00:36:46.550 --> 00:36:48.710 Like the past matters as far as it gives you 00:36:48.710 --> 00:36:51.469 insight into who you are, who the other person 00:36:51.469 --> 00:36:54.269 is. If you actually care about just getting to 00:36:54.269 --> 00:36:56.989 know the person in front of you, then the person's 00:36:56.989 --> 00:36:59.869 body count is a small, I think to some degree, 00:36:59.929 --> 00:37:02.960 fairly insignificant piece of data. What probably 00:37:02.960 --> 00:37:06.119 matters more is just learning about their history, 00:37:06.340 --> 00:37:09.659 like just all of it, right? Getting to really 00:37:09.659 --> 00:37:12.079 know them, learning about the experience that 00:37:12.079 --> 00:37:14.519 they've had and how it's shaped them, seeing 00:37:14.519 --> 00:37:18.219 how that impacts the way that they go through 00:37:18.219 --> 00:37:21.380 life today. Past behavior, like I said, can be 00:37:21.380 --> 00:37:23.500 a good predictor of future behavior, but only 00:37:23.500 --> 00:37:27.579 when a person never learns from their past, right? 00:37:27.639 --> 00:37:29.780 Like, look, if they've grown from their past, 00:37:29.880 --> 00:37:32.590 their future behavior should... change as well 00:37:32.590 --> 00:37:34.909 if they haven't learned from their past they're 00:37:34.909 --> 00:37:36.650 going to just engage in the same sort of behavior 00:37:36.650 --> 00:37:40.510 right so what matters more isn't their past behavior 00:37:40.510 --> 00:37:42.929 isn't their body count necessarily it's whether 00:37:42.929 --> 00:37:45.250 or not they've grown and learned from it and 00:37:45.250 --> 00:37:47.710 became the kind of person that you actually want 00:37:47.710 --> 00:37:51.210 to be with right that's really what would you 00:37:51.210 --> 00:37:54.210 know what would carry that sort of weight in 00:37:54.210 --> 00:37:57.150 figuring out whether or not this person is actually 00:37:57.150 --> 00:38:01.059 right for you I personally would be less concerned 00:38:01.059 --> 00:38:03.579 about body count and more concerned about whether 00:38:03.579 --> 00:38:05.340 or not a person takes time to reflect on their 00:38:05.340 --> 00:38:08.179 experience. That for me is probably a bigger 00:38:08.179 --> 00:38:10.460 indicator. Like if they're the kind of person 00:38:10.460 --> 00:38:14.579 to slow down, reflect on their life, really kind 00:38:14.579 --> 00:38:16.900 of look in the mirror, do a lot of self work. 00:38:17.400 --> 00:38:20.329 That gives me assurance that. at least they're 00:38:20.329 --> 00:38:22.090 willing to go to these places, the difficult 00:38:22.090 --> 00:38:25.409 place, to make some real changes in their life, 00:38:25.530 --> 00:38:27.570 right? When a person lacks that sort of self 00:38:27.570 --> 00:38:29.630 -reflection, that tells me that they're inclined 00:38:29.630 --> 00:38:31.389 to make the same mistakes they did in the past. 00:38:32.110 --> 00:38:35.150 And in that case, their past behavior is going 00:38:35.150 --> 00:38:38.610 to definitely be a red flag, not because they've 00:38:38.610 --> 00:38:41.090 had those experiences in the past, but rather 00:38:41.090 --> 00:38:43.070 because they never learned anything from it, 00:38:43.110 --> 00:38:46.230 right? That would be my concern. So let me ask 00:38:46.230 --> 00:38:48.610 you, like, what exactly is your concern, right? 00:38:49.280 --> 00:38:51.000 And specifically when it comes to body count, 00:38:51.119 --> 00:38:54.199 why are you concerned with the body count? And 00:38:54.199 --> 00:38:57.059 I think it's the same deal, right? As with your 00:38:57.059 --> 00:39:02.659 body image concerns, right? Whatever it is, whatever 00:39:02.659 --> 00:39:04.460 it is that you say you're concerned with, my 00:39:04.460 --> 00:39:07.260 guess is that if you don't have a clear sense 00:39:07.260 --> 00:39:10.000 of some of the internal things that are going 00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:13.719 on, whether it's insecurities or past pain and 00:39:13.719 --> 00:39:16.360 trauma that you never worked through, like whatever 00:39:16.360 --> 00:39:17.940 it is that's leading you to be concerned about 00:39:17.940 --> 00:39:20.710 body count, The fact that you're not dealing 00:39:20.710 --> 00:39:23.489 with the core issue and instead focusing on the 00:39:23.489 --> 00:39:25.949 body count and then saying that that matters 00:39:25.949 --> 00:39:30.190 a lot because of whatever X, Y, Z reasons, it 00:39:30.190 --> 00:39:31.750 honestly just sounds like a bunch of excuses 00:39:31.750 --> 00:39:35.190 for not dealing with your own shit. And what 00:39:35.190 --> 00:39:37.210 have I been saying this whole time? The fact 00:39:37.210 --> 00:39:39.489 that you're not willing to go there to deal with 00:39:39.489 --> 00:39:42.050 your shit, that's what makes you a bitch. Right? 00:39:42.150 --> 00:39:44.429 And I believe you're better than that. I believe 00:39:44.429 --> 00:39:46.929 you're better than that. All it takes is, again, 00:39:47.070 --> 00:39:49.849 to ask those questions. Like, why are you actually 00:39:49.849 --> 00:39:52.849 so concerned about these things? And to really 00:39:52.849 --> 00:39:55.730 dig deep in trying to answer to get to the bottom 00:39:55.730 --> 00:39:58.190 of it. That means that you're going to have to 00:39:58.190 --> 00:40:00.429 trudge up some painful experience from the past 00:40:00.429 --> 00:40:03.429 or, you know, views that you have of yourself 00:40:03.429 --> 00:40:05.510 that are, you know, it's not pleasant to have 00:40:05.510 --> 00:40:07.849 those thoughts or feelings. But you're going 00:40:07.849 --> 00:40:10.059 to have to deal with it, right? And the longer 00:40:10.059 --> 00:40:11.880 you don't deal with it, the more of a bitch you 00:40:11.880 --> 00:40:14.360 stay being, right? So stop being a bitch. Make 00:40:14.360 --> 00:40:17.119 a genuine effort to find out why you care about 00:40:17.119 --> 00:40:19.719 body count, why you care about penis size, why 00:40:19.719 --> 00:40:21.199 you care so much about whether or not you're 00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:25.280 bald. Figure out why this matters to you so much. 00:40:25.340 --> 00:40:27.699 And I think when you do that, you'll get to the 00:40:27.699 --> 00:40:30.840 heart of where this is all coming from. And that'll 00:40:30.840 --> 00:40:33.860 be the first step in becoming less of a bitch. 00:40:34.480 --> 00:40:37.960 I know you can do it. It's hard, but I know you 00:40:37.960 --> 00:40:41.320 can do it. So, if anything, maybe start today, 00:40:41.440 --> 00:40:41.559 yeah?