You know what's crazy to me? It's how often society
talks about all the ways that women's bodies
are shamed and how women have to face these societal
standards of beauty that create these insecurities
in them. What we don't talk about enough is how
men are also feeling similar bodily insecurities
because they are taught by, or through experience
maybe, or sometimes just directly taught by God
knows who, that their bodies need to be a certain
way. Maybe it's through images. Maybe it's just
assumptions that they make. Maybe it's because
they get teased at some point. I don't know.
Usually, guys tend to make jokes about it, but
I don't remember ever having any real conversation
with other men about their bodily insecurities.
I know they exist. I just don't know why it's
never talked about. As a society, we talk about
women's bodies a lot, right? Why aren't we talking
about men's bodies more? Not to criticize, but
to really unpack the insecurities created by
some maybe unspoken expectations of men. So I'm
going to talk about it. If you feel uncomfortable,
probably because maybe you haven't talked about
this stuff out in the open, about your own body
image issues, well, it's time to start exploring
exactly what that's about. So I'm going to be
fairly blunt. Be ready to feel uncomfortable.
I know many of you probably will, but the discomfort
is not necessarily a bad thing. It's probably
because we're not used to having these kinds
of conversations, okay? All right. There are
two physical insecurities that, from my experience,
again, it could differ depending on what kind
of community you live in, right? But for me,
there are two physical insecurities that plague
a lot of men. That's their height and their penis
size, okay? Maybe... we could also add to this
list baldness or like a receding hairline or
something i don't know uh that seems to be something
that um a lot of men seem to be seem to be insecure
about as well i'm not sure exactly why maybe
a sociologist can give me a breakdown of how
society imposes these expectations on men through
i don't know media or whatever else it is Again,
I'm not an expert in most things, or maybe anything
you could argue. I can tell you what I do here
myself from conversations with straight female
friends. So I have some idea of where this height
stuff at least comes from. At least from some
of these female friends, they talk about height
in an ideal partner quite a bit, like a lot.
It seems to be a big factor. I still can't figure
out exactly what the preference is about necessarily,
but many seem to at least explicitly claim to
have this sort of preference. So if you describe
an ideal man for them, they'll be like, oh, I
want them to be at least six foot or yada, yada,
yada. Okay. What's odd for me is that they say
that this is what they want. And then I see who
they date and their description of what they
say they wanted never seems to fit whatever,
whoever it is that they're actually dating. So
it's very confusing. And I honestly don't think
that it should be too surprising that it's confusing.
I don't think most people actually know what
they want from a partner, from family, from life
just in general, but especially when it comes
to like romantic partners. They say that they
want a lot of things, and then it doesn't go
with how they behave, right? So at least when
they say that they want certain features and
an ideal partner, it's actually not very stable.
It's not stable definitely through the years,
but sometimes from week to week seems to vary
what they care more about. So maybe it depends
on the mood. It depends on maybe the focus or
the nature of the conversation at the time. Here's
something else I also experience. I experience
this from time to time talking to guys, especially
in competitive settings. Guys will often sun
or look down on another guy, belittle them as
part of the trash talking they do in competitive
arenas. And one way they often do so is height,
right? So you see this in basketball, in the
NBA, when one player flexes on another by saying
that the other one is too small. They do this
little gesture indicating that they're too small
or too short to guard them or that it's easy
to score on them. I wouldn't be surprised if
kids tease each other because of height, because
kids tease each other for all kinds of random
traits, height, clothes, the way you chew. If
it's observable, if it's something that they
can see, it's open to mocking for kids. So I
also wouldn't be surprised if a lot of guys had
this sort of experience where they were made
fun of for some physical feature, and one of
those happened to be their height, right? But
what this tells me is that guys are getting this
impression that height matters from somewhere.
They're not just imagining it. It's not just
completely in their head. They're not just making
this stuff up. They're getting this notion that
height matters from some place. They're not just
suddenly getting insecure about their height.
Either they were... directly made fun of for
being too tall too short maybe they were rejected
from dates and the reason that was given was
that they're too short um because you know a
bunch of there's a bunch of dating shows that
are like this like i've seen online um where
people talk about you know height as a preference
something probably happened to lead to whatever
insecurity you developed about your height right
none of this should be surprising like i said
it all just kind of gets uh it just comes with
you know growing up in the kind of world that
we grew up in okay uh you can maybe also lump
in the muscle mass thing with the height thing
okay so a lot of men have this impression that
they need to have a decent amount of muscle mass
um not necessarily a six -pack but just muscle
mass in general to be strong uh maybe for me
it was watching like a lot of wwe Back then it
was called WWF growing up. And for me, I got
teased for being fat. Other people have been
bullied for being scrawny. Something seems to
contribute to many men thinking that muscle mass
somehow correlates to manliness. If you're strong,
then you can protect others, fix things, do manly
things with manly tools, right? Lift heavy objects,
right? Adjacent is the whole desire for a six
pack that does kind of come with it, but not
necessarily. But I do remember like... Back when
I was in college, seeing Fight Club for the first
time, I saw Brad Pitt with his shirt off, and
goddamn, that looks pretty damn good. That body,
it was like, damn. I want to be clear about something.
It's not that I don't see that these physical
traits can contribute to physical attraction,
so I'm not going to knock on people for being
physically attracted to whatever it is that they're
physically attracted to. But I do want to note
that I think a lot of times we tend to overly
emphasize some of these physical traits. Physical
attraction in humans anyways seem to be quite
complex, is definitely varied. There's no like
one thing that everybody seems to be after, at
least when it comes to people that you actually
want to develop some kind of relationship with,
right? Not like just like maybe just like have
sex with, right? But like actually develop a
real relationship, right? That kind of deeper
level attraction is much more complex for humans
and involves a lot of things that go beyond just
physical traits. I think this is kind of often
under discussed. I can find people attractive,
but never actually think of dating them, right?
I can find them physically attractive, but not
think to actually date them or even be friends
with them, right? Or be around them. That would
depend heavily on a range of factors that...
besides the physical, that would draw me to that
person, like conversation and, you know, shared
interests, shared values, worldview, you know,
experience, like shared, you know, experience
of the world and so on. But to say that seeing
this out there in the world doesn't impact you
in any way would be a lie, right? If I were to
say that, like, look, these physical features
don't make any difference. I would be lying to
you, right? It does make a difference. We are
attracted to who we're attracted to. Some of
it is shaped by our own experience. Some of it
is shaped by media telling us these are kind
of like the standards of beauty. We get them
from somewhere, right? Again, it comes from somewhere,
right? Depending on what you're exposed to and
what you experience, you're going to have your
own standard for what you find to be physically
attractive. One thing that does happen is that
some of these standards in the outside world
often gets internalized. And, you know, we can
start seeing ourselves by these standards. And
I think this is some of the ways in which this
standard of beauty or physical attractiveness
kind of becomes kind of insecurity when we don't
see it in ourselves. So that's with regards to
like height, maybe muscle mass. I actually am
not completely certain where the whole penis
size things come from exactly. i know that guys
tease each other for having like a small dick
all right but then when i researched this at
some point i think i think in college i was like
curious about it because like you know it's like
oh like just scientifically like what would be
the average penis size right um i found myself
you know i think maybe at some point i was a
little bit insecure because i wasn't sure what
the average was maybe that was part of the reason
i wanted to look it up because it seems like
majority of people uh would fall within a certain
range like there's like a standard eye like there's
like a standardized like bell curve or something
uh let's be clear about something when guys tease
each other about penis size it's always about
length never about girth when i was looking this
stuff up i was like i was always like just kind
of fascinated by these sorts of conversations
it was always about length never about girth
which actually i don't know why right i feel
like girth is probably um just as important and
functionally maybe matters more and engineering
majors could tell me right uh whether or not
this is true right i feel like i i mean i don't
know enough about physics and of this and how
this all works but i feel like girth contributes
to a strong stable base You know, I think about
when I'm building Legos, and I want to make sure
that a large Lego set doesn't topple over. I'm
like, oh, it needs a strong stable base. That's
kind of what girth feels like to me, right? It
gives it a nice strong base. It feels like it
would be super helpful for many of the penile
functions that you might have. You might go ahead
and use whatever it is that you use it for, for
whatever function you need it for. That's besides
the point. My point is just that if you've accepted
your penis size, if your partner is perfectly
happy with it, if it's functionally doing all
the things it's supposed to do, reason dictates
there should be no necessarily any reason to
be insecure about it. Well, again, it's probably
coming from somewhere why people get kind of
worked up and think too hard about the whole
penis size thing. Maybe someone said something
hurtful to you or someone was disappointed in
your bedroom performance. Like, we'll come back
to this about the whole performance thing, right?
But, you know, something probably happened to
make you feel a certain way. Maybe it snowballed
into something more. You know, this kind of happens
a lot with insecurities, right? It's like you
get teased once and then you become super aware
of it. And then so you see it. Right. And you
think about it a lot more than maybe other people
necessarily do. And that just feeds into your
insecurities. Right. We become more sensitive
to it and aware of it and then, you know, become
to some degree like paranoid about this kind
of stuff. Look, I'm not going to tell anyone
ever to be insecure about any aspect of their
body. OK. What I'm trying to do is acknowledge
that it obviously exists when it comes to insecurities
about our bodies. Right. This is not a gendered
thing, right? Like men experience it too. I think
just a lot of men don't necessarily talk about
it. But I want to talk about it in the open because
the first thing I want us to do is not be in
denial about it, right? Like men need to stop
pretending like they don't have these insecurities.
and they don't feel shame about it or whatever,
right? Like, stop being in denial about it. Just
acknowledge it, right? Admit it to yourself that
you have them, that there might be aspects of
your body that you don't necessarily like, or
maybe you don't have a problem with it, but you
feel like other people seem to get on your case
about it or tease you for it or, you know, don't
want to date you for it or I don't know, whatever
else you might be thinking in your head, right?
And I'm sorry if you haven't found the space
to be able to acknowledge it out loud. But in
the least, I hope you acknowledge it to yourself.
All right? In the least. I think that's probably
a good starting point because once you kind of
acknowledge it to yourself, it honestly becomes
a lot easier to talk about it in the open. My
guess is probably because you realize other people
probably have them too. Right? But look, there's
no point in denying it because it'll haunt you
for the rest of your life if you don't. It's
exhausting, honestly, to live with these insecurities,
right? Trust me, it feels really good to just
say it out loud, and that way you could deal
with the feelings and then find a way to work
through them. Here's also why I want to just
acknowledge these types of insecurities. Once
you're able to acknowledge them, you can actually
have conversations about it. I'm talking like
real conversations, right? Talk about where you
get those insecurities, right? Like this is where
the real like deeper conversations could happen
with friends, right? You can talk about where
it is that those insecurities come from. You
could get a better understanding of each other
if you share out loud why you feel insecure about,
you know, what you feel insecure about. And,
you know, friends care about each other, right?
So they'll do their best not to like step on
your sore spots, right? But it's a chance for
you to kind of have these conversations about
your past experience, what has hurt you. You
get to really work through a lot of these feelings,
both from the past and present, that center around
these sorts of insecurities, right? And you gain
clarity as a result. You gain clarity over your
insecurities. Having insecurities is perfectly
normal. Having insecurities doesn't make you
a bitch. I can't stress it enough. I don't care
that men have insecurities. The fact that you're
in denial of your insecurities, that's what makes
you a bitch. Because being in denial of your
insecurities means that you're not actually dealing
with it. And all this excessive concern over
your bodily features... That's really, for me,
I just see that bitchness leaking out of you
in other ways. The more you try to cover it up,
the more you try to obsess over these ideas,
the more you're likely to put other people down
or try to build yourself up by focusing on these
sort of physical traits. And the more you do
that, the more I just see you as an insecure
bitch. So maybe this should give you some comfort,
I think. The next time someone engages in some
body shaming, you just look at them and ask yourself,
what kind of insecurities do they have that they
feel a need to shame others, right? And then
in your mind, you could just be thinking like,
oh man, the fact that they're doing it just tells
me that guy's a bitch, right? Hey guys, seriously,
men come in all shapes and sizes. You're given
what you're given. If you want to change the
way you look, I'm not going to be mad at you,
right? Look, if you are like, I am not in shape,
I am out of shape, it is causing health problems,
I want to get in shape, it's going to change
the way I look physically, and then I feel better
when I look better. I don't know, maybe you want
soft skin. I don't know what the deal is, right?
If you want to change the way that you look because
you want to do it for yourself, I ain't going
to judge you, right? You do you, okay? I don't
have a problem with that. I don't have a problem
with plastic surgery in general, like just in
and of itself, right? What I want you to consider,
though, is why you're getting it. That's what
tells me whether or not you're a bitch, right?
If your decision is rooted in some insecurities
about your body and you're changing your outward
appearance instead of dealing with the insecurity
that's within, then you're a bitch. But you're
a bitch because all you're doing is avoiding
the real issue, right? You're being a coward.
You're avoiding being a grown -up and dealing
with your real feelings, right? And by not facing
yourself in the mirror head -on in this way and
instead just trying to change the physical features
on the outside to try to help whatever it is
you're feeling inside without actually dealing
with those feelings inside, right? like that
just that just makes you a bitch right i had
i hate that the world left you feeling like you
needed to change your body okay to the point
that you felt the need to like you actually went
through and change your body right that's fucked
up that's it's not right the world shouldn't
be designed in a way where we are bringing people
down in this way right if anything i would hope
for a society where we're lifting each other
up And that we acknowledge that people just have
different bodies and it is what it is. I'm sorry
you had to experience that. I am not going to
judge you or shame you or put you down or blame
you for the way that the world has impacted you
in these ways. But the way to deal with it...
is honestly like how you deal with it matters
right like look i can't you're right that the
world could be screwed up left you with a lot
of pain and suffering but the way you respond
that's on you and you could deal with it by trying
to change your outward appearance okay or you
could deal with the actual underlying feelings
i'll tell you this much right from my experience
changing your body won't change the way you feel
inside That's because, again, the issue, the
root issue isn't your appearance. There's nothing
necessarily wrong with your appearance. What's
causing you to feel the way that you do is something
in you. And that's what you need to address.
You need to address the way that you look at
yourself, the way you feel about yourself, wherever
that's coming from. It's really something internal
to you. It's not necessarily your body. And I
can honestly speak from my own personal experience.
Like I've struggled a lot with my weight. And
there were times when I weighed a lot more than
I did at other times. And, you know, I realized
at some point, right, like no matter how much
of a quote unquote in shape I became, I think
there was like a period in college and in grad
school where, you know, I was doing a pretty
good job of maintaining my body in certain ways.
Well, with the exception of my time in Boston,
I kind of let myself go there, right? But I would
play a lot of basketball. I would exercise, weight
lift, do all these things. But at no point did
I actually ever feel good about my body. Even
if I got compliments from other people, I never
felt good about my body. I mean, that just kind
of goes to show you, right? Like, look, you could
change your physical appearance, but you're still
going to look at yourself a certain way if you
don't deal with what's internal to you, right?
Which is how you view yourself. I saw myself
as fat. I saw myself as out of shape. I saw myself
as... somebody who's not good looking this stems
from a lot of my own experience of being teased
and like you know that snowballing to like self
-image issues from back in like junior high and
high school um that also contributed by like
feeling socially awkward a lot of the times in
those years and that self -image just never went
away so it didn't matter if i actually looked
differently i still saw myself as the same kid
that i you know, that I saw in myself, like back
when I was in junior high and high school. Okay.
All this to say, look, your body is your body.
You're given what you're given. You work with
what, you know, you got to work with. Okay. Again,
no judgment on you if you want to change the
way you look. Okay. You know, people do that.
I mean, when I talk to people who get a lot of
tattoos, it's like the same idea. they it's not
that they don't like hate their body or something
they don't hate their body it's just they see
the tattoos as like an art form or something
like that so like look if getting plastic surgery
is like that it's like okay i want to do this
because you know i feel i want to use my body
as like a piece of art or something go for it
i don't really care but if it's rooted in some
internal stuff that you're not you're avoiding
Instead of actually dealing with it, you're just
changing your physical appearance. That's a red
flag for me. That just tells me that you're an
insecure bitch. You need to work on your bitchness.
You don't need to worry about your looks. Hope
that makes sense. Okay. Adjacent to the body
image issue is the body count issue. I think
these are actually kind of similar as related.
And I'm talking in both directions when I'm talking
about body count, right? I'm talking about both
keeping track of your own body count. and also
being concerned with other people's body counts,
namely like the person you might be interested
in dating. Okay, let's begin with why the fuck
you're keeping track of your own body count.
Let's start there, okay? Let me ask you this.
Why does it matter to you how many people you
slept with? Why are you even keeping track? I'll
tell you some hard facts, right? People in committed
relationships, at least the last time I saw studies
on this, right? The people in committed relationships
have way more sex than people who sleep around
with different people regularly. Okay? So, in
the least, body count is definitely not reflective
of how much sex you have. It's also not a reflection
of how experienced you are. Having sex with one
person, but really taking the time to get to
know that person's body and your own desires
and kind of experimenting and having a deeper
understanding of your own and another person's
sexuality, right? That honestly will probably
give you a better experience than going around
and sleeping with a bunch of different people
that you don't really know very well. So if body
count is not a reflection of how much sex you
have or how much experience you have or how knowledgeable
or how quote unquote skilled you are at having
sex, I don't even know if that's a real, maybe
it's kind of a skill scale. I don't know. Then
why are you thinking about your body count so
much? I'll tell you what I think it is, right?
Again, I'm not an expert. I don't know you. Everybody's
different. You can tell me if I'm wrong, okay?
My guess is that you're concerned with body count
because you're insecure about some shit. Maybe
you're insecure about how attractive you are,
so maybe you use body count as a way to validate
the fact that other people might be attracted
towards you, willing to have sex with you. Maybe
in your mind, you think that the more people
you sleep with, the more it means that people
are... willing because they're willing to have
sex with you that means that they are actually
attracted to you though i don't know like knowing
from experience from friends and so on like a
lot of times people end up sleeping around for
all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do
with attraction um again probably stems from
some sort of insecurity look you're being an
insecure bitch that's what you're being okay
if you need to have sex to feel desired then
you need to figure out what that shit's about
You need to figure out why it is that you don't
feel desired, right? Did someone shame you or
were you rejected by someone you really liked
and now this is your way of coping? By having
sex with as many partners as you can, do you
feel like now you're objectively attractive or
desirable in some ways? Maybe this is some competitive
thing and you feel jealous of someone else who
seems to have all these potential partners. OK,
like all these scream to me that you're an insecure
bitch. Right. Deal with the core issue. Right.
Deal with your jealousy. Deal with your insecurity
about, you know, how attractive you are, because
clearly you're insecure about something like
that's what it sounds like. That's what it looks
like to me. It doesn't seem like, you know, you're
keeping count of your own body count has anything
to do with anything that is in any way meaningful.
By the way, this also goes in the other direction
with men who feel pride for having a low body
count. I've actually seen this as well. There's
men who feel some sort of pride that they haven't
slept around with a bunch of people. But it's
honestly, for me, it's the same thing. Why are
you taking pride in it? Why? Is it because you
want to take some moral high ground, you arrogant
bitch? Or is it because you're actually insecure
about your body count, so you want to diminish
the significance of other people having a higher
body count? I mean, which is it? Either way,
you're being a bitch, right? Either way, this
is really not about the body count stuff. The
body count really is just a signal for me. that
there's something else going on in you right
like there's something that you're trying to
compensate for or there's something else that
you're trying to make yourself feel better about
yourself with regards to this whole body count
thing right like look what i'm pointing out is
this right when you keep track of your own body
a body count right it feels like it's not really
the body count that matters it seems like for
me it's an indication that there's something
else going on in you Right. I think it'll help
to ask yourself why you're so concerned about
it. I honestly don't think it matters at all.
Personally, everyone has a relationship history
of some kind. You know, it might not be like
some deep committed relationship. Maybe it's
just people that you've had a crush on, unrequited
love, like your first relationship. you know,
the relationship that helped you learn a lot
about yourself. It could be like a friendship
that never blossomed, but, you know, it was super
meaningful. The ups and downs, the moments of
uncontrolled passion or pain, right? These are
all part of the journey of learning how to be
in a romantic relationship, all part of learning
about you in the context of relationship, or
maybe it was just a moment of physical attraction
that just took you over in that moment. But all
these moments, these experiences, they're all
ones that give you insight into what you are
really like, what you enjoy, what you don't,
what's a good fit for you, what's not a good
fit for you. You know, we learn from these relationships.
We should ideally grow from them. But everyone
needs to go through them, right? Like there's
no way to learn without actually having gone
through it, right? And so for everyone, the journey
looks different. The journey is what it is. And,
you know, you're going to learn something different
from it depending on your own experience, right?
But that's what matters, right? It's the journey,
right? When you start keeping track of body count,
you're not focusing on the journey because you're
using the number for something, right? The number
is like a stand -in for something like validation
or something else, right? The number itself honestly
shouldn't matter if you're focusing on the ways
that you've learned from your experience with
the people that you've encountered and had these
relationships with along the way. So I'll ask
you again, why do you care about your body count?
Why does it actually matter to you? And I think
once you start asking that question of yourself,
you'll start to realize, yeah, the body count,
why was I keeping track of it? What was this
all about? When you start asking these questions,
you start digging into exactly what's going on
underneath the surface. And that's really what
you need to deal with if you don't want to be
a bitch. Now, let's shift our concern to your
concern with other people's body count, right?
So this is when people are thinking about their
partner or their potential partner's body count.
They want to know how many people they've slept
with in the past. Okay, let me ask you, why do
you want to know their body count? What the fuck
is that about? Now, I get that you might be curious
about your potential partner's body count. But
again, why are you concerned about it? Why are
you curious about it? Why do you want to know
so bad? Now, I guess if you're concerned about
STDs, and I'm a big proponent of people talking
openly about their sexual past. I used to not
be that way because, you know, I come from a
shame culture. This is something you don't talk
about. But I think the more that I think about
it, like from a rational, you know, rationally,
I think like, oh, it's kind of helps to know
to some degree. For the sake of being concerned
with STDs, medical reasons, it may be something
that you have a legit concern over. But even
here, you don't need to know body count. What
you really want to know is whether or not they
have an STD or not. Whether or not you need to
be careful about how it is that you and what
kind of sexual activity you engage in. Whether
or not they were tested recently, whether they
should be tested recently just to be on the safe
side. That's what matters. The body count doesn't
matter. The body count is like a stand -in. You're
using it as some sort of metric to figure out
whether or not they might potentially have an
SED. It doesn't necessarily mean that they have
or don't have an SED, right? So go to the thing
that actually matters then. If you're concerned
about like, you know, SEDs, then just find out
about SEDs. Not a big deal. Maybe you're concerned
with something else. Maybe you're concerned with
whether or not your partner has had a lot of
experience because maybe you value people who
don't go sleeping around with a bunch of people.
You know, like some people have this sort of
value, right? Where it's like, sex is a reflection,
should be a reflection, maybe that's part of
their value. That should be a reflection of some
deeper feelings. It shouldn't be just some physical
act, right? And, you know, fair enough. Like
you have those values, you have those values,
and maybe you want to find somebody who shares
those values, right? It's maybe you connected
with other values that you hold about loyalty,
consistency, whether or not they genuinely invest
in relationships or whether they just are about
the physical attraction in the moment and then
they move on. Maybe those are things that you're
concerned with and you are somebody who's looking
to invest time, energy into a real relationship.
And so you care about the body count because
you want to make sure that, you know, when it
comes to the physical connection, it's a reflection
of something deeper. Maybe, I don't know. This
is one possibility. But then let's be honest,
right? The body count really isn't the best metric
for identifying these shared values. You know
what is a way to identify these shared values
is to actually have conversations with them,
right? But I'm asking in earnest, right? Like,
does body count really matter for determining
whether or not you have these sheer values? Look,
because here's some possibilities, right? Here's
one possibility, right? A person might have what
you consider to be a high body count because
maybe they didn't know themselves in the past.
They made mistakes in the past. They didn't understand
their own values or what they cared about. And,
you know, at some point they did some reflection.
They began to understand what they're about,
what kind of values they wanted to commit themselves
to. You know, people all, like I said, people
all learn from their experience, right? A lot
of times, like, we don't know ourselves very
well, and we need to go through it before we
could, you know, really understand what it is
that we truly care about, right? So maybe this
person learned from the past, and then now they
hold the same value as you, right? But maybe
they had to go through some experience in order
to get to that point. Okay. Now, let me ask you
this. What matters to you? If what matters to
you is that they share the same values as you,
right, then, you know, maybe their most recent
experience might be a good indication. You know,
people's behaviors can be an indication of past
behavior, can be indication of future behavior.
But, you know, I say this with students all the
time, right? Like, look, the first paper you
wrote in the class might not be your greatest
work, but then you might have shown vast improvement
over the years. That shows me that you've learned
a lot from your initial work to your last work.
So it's all part of the process. Maybe they've
come to hold the same values as you. Then their
body count won't necessarily be a good indicator
of whether or not they hold shared values. You
might want to look at just their more recent
history and ignore some of their older history.
I don't know. Another possibility is that you
have no idea. you know, why their body count
is what it is and whether or not it aligns with
your stated values. Like, look, it is possible
that we just made a mistake. Like, people make
this kind of mistake all the time where they
trust somebody, they believe that it's, you know,
the relationship that they're building is something
more meaningful, something more committed, only
to find out the other person doesn't feel that
way about, you know, you. And so you might have,
you know, Might have a high body count, but that's
not because you don't share the same value. You
just didn't pick out the right people. These
people maybe didn't know themselves that they
were partnered up with. Maybe they didn't know
themselves or maybe they were lying to them or
whatever else it might be. All I'm saying is
this. If your goal is to find someone with similar
values, body count is not necessarily going to
be the best metric. You know what it is? Getting
to actually know the person, right? Like having
real conversations with them and, you know, talking
about your values and then seeing behavior, I
think, is probably one of the best indicators,
right? So seeing how they live out those values
in their day -to -day life, in, you know, their
relationship with friends and family and, you
know, all these other places, right? I personally
trust what people do, not what they say. So I'd
probably lean more heavily on what they do on
a day -to -day basis. And you can see, at least
to some degree, some consistency if they are
living out those values in a lot of different
places in their lives and they're doing it on
a day -to -day basis. But you won't know that
until you spend time with them, until you actually
get to know them. They could lie through their
teeth all they want, but their day -to -day behavior
is going to be probably a good reflection of
who they truly are inside. You'll need to see
it for yourself. How do you do that? You date
the person. You spend time with them. You take
these chances, right? See how they are in different
settings. Introduce them to people that are close
to you so that you get a sense of how they are
with the people that matter to you. I don't know.
Try all these different things out, right? There's
no way to really truly know a person, but the
closest you can get is to spend real meaningful
time with them. Asking them about their body
count won't give you that kind of insight. All
it's going to do is give you a number that you
then take as a proxy for something, and then
you just run to whatever conclusion you do with
that number. Listen up. My guess is honestly
that whatever excuse you make for why you care
about body count... The real reason probably
has something to do with your own insecurities
or trauma or something else, something in your
past, right? The past, everyone has a past, right?
Like the past matters as far as it gives you
insight into who you are, who the other person
is. If you actually care about just getting to
know the person in front of you, then the person's
body count is a small, I think to some degree,
fairly insignificant piece of data. What probably
matters more is just learning about their history,
like just all of it, right? Getting to really
know them, learning about the experience that
they've had and how it's shaped them, seeing
how that impacts the way that they go through
life today. Past behavior, like I said, can be
a good predictor of future behavior, but only
when a person never learns from their past, right?
Like, look, if they've grown from their past,
their future behavior should... change as well
if they haven't learned from their past they're
going to just engage in the same sort of behavior
right so what matters more isn't their past behavior
isn't their body count necessarily it's whether
or not they've grown and learned from it and
became the kind of person that you actually want
to be with right that's really what would you
know what would carry that sort of weight in
figuring out whether or not this person is actually
right for you I personally would be less concerned
about body count and more concerned about whether
or not a person takes time to reflect on their
experience. That for me is probably a bigger
indicator. Like if they're the kind of person
to slow down, reflect on their life, really kind
of look in the mirror, do a lot of self work.
That gives me assurance that. at least they're
willing to go to these places, the difficult
place, to make some real changes in their life,
right? When a person lacks that sort of self
-reflection, that tells me that they're inclined
to make the same mistakes they did in the past.
And in that case, their past behavior is going
to definitely be a red flag, not because they've
had those experiences in the past, but rather
because they never learned anything from it,
right? That would be my concern. So let me ask
you, like, what exactly is your concern, right?
And specifically when it comes to body count,
why are you concerned with the body count? And
I think it's the same deal, right? As with your
body image concerns, right? Whatever it is, whatever
it is that you say you're concerned with, my
guess is that if you don't have a clear sense
of some of the internal things that are going
on, whether it's insecurities or past pain and
trauma that you never worked through, like whatever
it is that's leading you to be concerned about
body count, The fact that you're not dealing
with the core issue and instead focusing on the
body count and then saying that that matters
a lot because of whatever X, Y, Z reasons, it
honestly just sounds like a bunch of excuses
for not dealing with your own shit. And what
have I been saying this whole time? The fact
that you're not willing to go there to deal with
your shit, that's what makes you a bitch. Right?
And I believe you're better than that. I believe
you're better than that. All it takes is, again,
to ask those questions. Like, why are you actually
so concerned about these things? And to really
dig deep in trying to answer to get to the bottom
of it. That means that you're going to have to
trudge up some painful experience from the past
or, you know, views that you have of yourself
that are, you know, it's not pleasant to have
those thoughts or feelings. But you're going
to have to deal with it, right? And the longer
you don't deal with it, the more of a bitch you
stay being, right? So stop being a bitch. Make
a genuine effort to find out why you care about
body count, why you care about penis size, why
you care so much about whether or not you're
bald. Figure out why this matters to you so much.
And I think when you do that, you'll get to the
heart of where this is all coming from. And that'll
be the first step in becoming less of a bitch.
I know you can do it. It's hard, but I know you
can do it. So, if anything, maybe start today,
yeah?