let me just take a moment to uh talk to these
men who are doing the quote -unquote women jobs
like flight attendants nurses and full -time
dads you are the manliest men in the world because
you don't buy into this bullshit that limits
a man's potential but you do what you can do
to give you know your family your community what
it is that they need you are the shit I have
a friend who's a full -time dad and I have the
highest respect for what he does. I have a kid
and I can tell you, it's just one kid, right?
I can't stand more than two hours of engagement
at a time before I start feeling like I'm going
to lose my mind, right? My mind also tends to
be fairly scattered without imposing structure
on myself. So when you're dealing with, you know,
parenting duties and you have a kid that just
feels however they want and does whatever they
want when they feel it. You can imagine what
that does to my brain, right? It's constantly
getting interrupted. I feel like I'm going to
go insane, right? So I would be miserable as
a full -time dad, right? Especially in those
younger years when they're home all the time,
right? But my friend thrives in that role. Like,
he's on top of the kids' schedule. He can understand
exactly what the kids need, how they're feeling,
can address them, or really helping them develop
and learn how to cope physically, emotionally,
cognitively as they go through the life stages.
It's a hard job. It's a hard job. He's trying
to be everything for them, right? All I know
is that if someone gave me that job, like, you
couldn't pay me enough to take on that job. I
would suck at it. I would hate it with a passion,
like, without a doubt. And I thought I was going
to be a good dad and I was going to love it.
Turns out, no, no, no. I can't stand it. I'm
already waiting for my kid to grow up and be
an adult. Unfortunately, even with some of these
cultural shifts and the idea of what a man's
job is, what a manly job is, I'm afraid that
too many men still buy into this idea that they
should do certain types of jobs or that their
paycheck defines their worth. Actually, I'm not
completely sure what the diagnosis is. Look,
again, I'm sure experts who probably research
this stuff more are going to have something to
say about it, about why there are these gender
gaps in certain fields, how much of it is coming
from the way that some of these jobs tend to
be gendered in the sense that society creates
a certain kind of image of this is a man's job
and this is a more woman's job. What I do know...
is that right now in the United States, we have
a shortage specifically of men in the following
professions. I'm just going to name some. This
is not the complete list, but I do know that
at least with these professions, there is a very
small percentage of men in these fields. Nursing.
Therapy. I'm talking like mental health, like
specifically like, you know, talk therapy, right?
Psychologists. Skincare. Hairdresser. Manicurist.
early childhood education, and just child care
generally, administrative assistant, and social
work. Again, this is not an extensive list. This
is just some of the jobs where I think over like
80 % of the workers are women, and in some cases
like 90 plus percent of the people in these fields
are women. In contrast, men tend to dominate
plumbing, construction, and so on. When you see
the disparity, you can't help but get the idea
that some work is men's work and others are women's
work. You just see the percentage of people in
these different fields and you think, oh, men
gravitate towards this kind of work, women gravitate
towards that kind of work. But I think pigeonholing
men in this way degrades them and limits them
from doing what's best for them. When we gender
these roles that any gender can actually do,
you're kind of restricting options for people,
men, women alike. Women complained for centuries
about being kept out of jobs that they had the
ability to do. So why are we then now putting
restrictions like that on men? There's, of course,
one key difference. Women were kept out of certain
fields and positions primarily through discriminatory
practices, through laws that allowed the discrimination
of women in this way. That's why we have laws
to protect women from not being discriminated.
Historically, that's just how it's been. Men
are kept out of these fields. Not because anybody's
imposing any sort of restriction on them. Like,
look, men can go into nursing whenever they want.
They just need to apply to be a nurse, right?
But it seems like this is a much more self -imposed
restriction that men are putting on themselves
because of some dumb notion going around that
certain things, certain jobs are like men's jobs,
right? And certain jobs are not really men's
jobs. And it's not even about the money either,
right? Which I'll get to later. There's a huge
demand for nurses and therapists. And, you know,
if you ever tried to find a therapist, forget
dealing with insurance, right? You know that
it's a nightmare to find a therapist at all,
one that's available. But let's say now you're
searching for specifically a male therapist.
I had to do this when I, you know, came back
to California and I was like, oh, you know, I've
seen a therapist and I kind of want to make sure
that I see a male therapist now because I feel
like there are certain things that I feel more
comfortable talking to a man about. And if you
try to do that, like if you try to limit your
search to male therapists, like the number dwindles
down so much. It's like everybody needs to go
to the exact same male therapist if they're looking
for a male therapist. Like they're just so far.
few and far between that like it's just almost
impossible to find one right but men are not
going into these fields in large numbers even
though the job security the pay is actually quite
good compared to a lot of other jobs right part
of this is a reflection of some larger issues
maybe in education we could save that for talk
another time but another part is that men don't
seem to see themselves in these roles because
they aren't for men That's supposed to be the
idea that I think is floating around. I don't
think men think this explicitly necessarily.
I think most of them just have a certain ick
factor or it's just not even under consideration
because they don't see men in those fields. Nursing
is a good example of this. I don't see a lot
of men imagining themselves in a nursing role.
They can imagine themselves being a doctor and
they might pursue that, but they don't see themselves
in a nursing role when, in fact, Nurses make
a good amount of money, have a great job security,
have great hours. It's a good job. Maybe we just
need more men to be represented in these fields
so that we can see ourselves in them. I don't
know what the reason is. Again, let the experts
figure that out. But clearly, there's something
that is keeping men away from these fields. And
it's not because there's some explicit restriction
against men. There's no quota that says we can't
allow men to be nurses. That just doesn't exist.
Something I also hear a lot is that these gender
disparities are somehow natural. The thought
is that men and women are just different in some
respects, at least collectively, and it starts
in early childhood. Boys, for instance, I mean,
a lot of this biological stuff is actually pretty
well established. Boys, for instance, develop
gross motor skills generally faster, while girls
develop those fine motor skills faster. Maybe
for this reason or other, boys tend to gravitate
towards building stuff and doing things actively.
their hands they also have a harder time sitting
still at an early age it's not because adhd is
just because their bodies are kind of wired a
little bit differently in those early years girls
more towards like other kinds of activities and
as a result they become better in different areas
and they're encouraged to move into certain fields
that fall along these lines Look, I'm not an
expert in this area, so whether or not there's
some truth to it, I don't know. But what I will
say is, even if this is all true, we cannot just
let this disparity be what it is. This is something
I can't emphasize enough, right? Like, it doesn't
matter why the disparity exists. The disparity
itself, at least this kind of gross disparity
where it's like 90 % one gender, this is going
to be a serious problem, especially in some of
these fields. I'm going to talk about this in
some detail, right? We can't simply just sit
back and say that this is natural and there's
nothing we can do about it. It's not an option
because at least for some of these fields, there's
a lot at stake. Let me just point out two particular
fields to kind of unpack the kind of significance
there is in the gender disparity as a serious
problem. And that's going to be early childhood
education and in therapy. So I'm going to use
these two as just simply examples to highlight
how gender disparity itself is a problem in these
fields. It's a problem not just for men, but
it's going to be a problem for everybody, as
I'll try to explain. Now, other fields might
not have the same significance, and that could
be true. It's going to be a case -by -case basis
with some of these fields. But at least with
these two, I'm fairly confident that we're going
to have... We're already seeing, actually, significant
problems with there not being enough men in these
fields. Let's start with early childhood education.
Men are actually quite prevalent in education
generally, but not in early education. Not in
preschool, kindergarten, elementary school. These
are spaces where men, if you see them at all,
are also often not teachers. They're in the administrative
role, principals, or work in the grounds, or
doing something else. I'm not an expert on why
that is. Again, talk to an expert about exactly
why that is. I'll let them figure out if they
haven't done so already. What I do know is this,
that a lack of men in these early years are leaving
boys without good role models. It's probably
also leaving the early education system biased
in favor of girls. I don't know for sure, but
I have some suspicions that there's a reason
that girls tend to perform better in schools.
The school structure seems to be structured in
a way that favors one gender over the other.
Like I said, there's some probably early developmental
stuff involved here. And again, each specific
case might vary, but overall, I think there are
some of these differences, right? Okay, I don't
expect women to understand what it's like being
a boy. That would make no sense. If we expect
women to somehow understand what it's like to
be a boy, that's insane because they don't know
what it's like being a boy. They don't have that
kind of experience, right? Look, if you ask me
what it's like to be Latino growing up in California,
I would look at you and be like, how the hell
would I know? I grew up in neighborhoods that
were overwhelmingly Latino. We're talking like
60%, 70%, 80 % depending on the time of my life,
right? But even there, even being surrounded
by it, I still wouldn't know. what it's like
being Latino. And it would be stupid of me to
go ahead and try to act like I did somehow understand.
I don't. So how do you expect boys to be understood
if you don't have men around that connect with
them and really understand what their experience
might be like, right? If you don't have men in
these positions to guide the younger boys into
becoming more and more of a man. And these early
years are particularly important. It's really
the early years that shape how we make sense
of the world, right? How we make sense of the
narratives we start to build about ourselves,
about who we are within the educational space.
And it's going to have lasting impact, right?
Like a lot of people have... There's plenty of
research already on this. Those early years of
development are so critical that it takes so
much more work to undo the harm that's done in
those early years than it is to undo some of
the harms that are done later in your life. Those
early years are critical. And in those early
years, if you don't have men as role models,
every day showing up to classrooms and showing
them what it's like to be a man, to resolve disputes
among boys, to show them a better way, you're
setting up entire generations of boys to become
bitches. That's really what you're doing. You're
not giving them an opportunity to grow in the
right way, right? What's crazy to me is that
it's not as if men don't want to teach. Like
I said, we have men teaching all over. We have
men teaching in high school, in colleges. Hell,
they dominate certain fields in colleges. So
it's not that men are not wanting to teach. It's
not something specific about teaching. It's not
as if men can't teach. That's insane, okay? But
for some reason, men are not going specifically
into early education or they're not going there
and staying there. Why is that? What's the deal?
I don't know. Someone tell me. But what I do
know is that we need to get this fixed and we
need to get this fixed ASAP. If we don't... We're
going to fuck over an entire generation of boys
if we haven't already. I'm guessing we already
have. I've spoken about this many a times. It
takes an entire community to build up boys into
men. You're not going to do it with just the
parents. Parents are the most important figures
in a child's life, but it's not going to be just
the child that gets them there. And this is especially
true when we already know that, especially boys,
they stop listening to their parents at a certain
point. You're going to need other role models
in these kids' lives to help guide them to being
better men. And we're not going to do that if
we don't have men being put in positions where
they can be that kind of an influence. So, yeah.
gender disparity exists there might be good reason
for why that is that again nobody needs to be
doing anything malicious but the gender disparity
itself i think is a is a real problem it's a
real problem it's not something that we can just
sit by and say like oh you know this is just
how it is like men just don't want to get into
these fields and you know this for their own
reasons and whatever okay then figure out a way
to incentivize it so that men will want to enter
into these fields we do that for we do that for
women When we realize in places like engineering,
it's like, look, there's not a lot of women going
into engineering. It's not because they're not
capable. Clearly, there's reasons why it's not
attractive to women. We can make it more attractive
to women. We could do the same thing with early
education for men. But what I do know is that
we need men in these positions. We need them
because it is such a critical space, especially
for the boys that are in need of good role models.
to have men in their lives that can guide and
direct them in the right sorts of ways. The other
area where I want to give some attention is therapy.
I'm not talking psychiatrists. I'm not talking
about the ones that prescribe pills. I'm talking
about psychologists, counselors, therapists,
mental health professionals that sit down and
talk about your feelings and so on. It doesn't
matter what the title is. I don't even know what
the distinction is between all these. What I
think is missing is... men in this field train
properly that other men can talk to. So I have
some personal experience with this because I
was looking for a therapist. I initially saw
a woman, I think it was for a good year and a
half, very helpful. A good therapist is a good
therapist. One that you can connect to is one
that you can connect to. But this was back in
Pennsylvania. When I was moving back to California
because of work situation, I knew that there
was something missing in my relationship with
my therapist. I thought it would be helpful to
talk to somebody that was maybe a different...
I mean, I had to find somebody new. Back then,
the whole online teletherapist thing wasn't a
real thing. But I also wanted to see somebody
in person. And I knew that I wanted to find a
male therapist because I knew that there were
some things that I think I would have felt a
little bit more comfortable sharing that doesn't
necessarily have to do with being a man, but...
I did wonder whether it would feel different
because somebody who's gone through something
similar, at least in the developmental stages
and so on, or at least understand male culture
and what I'm dealing with, might be able to better
understand what it is I'm going through. And
like I said, if you ever try to find a therapist,
it's hard enough to find somebody that takes
your insurance, is available, and that you can
actually vibe with, that you can connect with,
right? Add to that, you're looking for a male
therapist, and you've narrowed down potential
therapists by 90 % instantly. 90%, right? In
other words, 90 % of the therapists out there
that are available are women. Only 10 % men.
That's insane to me. That's insane to me. Might
as well just give up before you start. If men
are having a hard time connecting with other
men because no one ever taught them how to explore
their feelings and so on, Therapy would be the
place to do it, but if you don't have that space
with a male therapist to work on it, what other
options are we leaving men, right? I have friends,
men, who have been trying to find a male therapist
for years. I wouldn't be surprised if they all
went to the same therapist because there's so
few available. This is absolutely unsustainable.
Look, I don't want... people bitching about men
needing to work on their feelings if we don't
also give them a place to work on their feelings.
And we're not giving them a place to work on
their feelings if we don't have more men in the
mental health profession. Again, not as psychiatrists,
not some people that are just prescribing pills,
but actually talking through feelings to model
what it looks like to have real, connected, deep,
vulnerable exchanges to actually mimic it in
the therapy session where it's safe. If we don't
do this for men, you're basically saying, hey,
men, work on your feelings. Be better about expressing
your feelings, right? Be comfortable with feelings.
We're telling men to do all these things, but
we're also not giving them the tools that will
be most helpful for them to get there. And we
don't have the tools because we don't have enough
men in this field, okay? Again, I don't know
exactly why the disparity exists. I do remember
when I was an undergrad and I was a psych major.
And I remember going to psych classes and I was
like, oh, looking around, I was like, geez, it's
like 80 % women. Right? That was pretty common.
So I don't know what the deal is. I don't know
why this is the case, but what I do know is that
this disparity is doing a great deal of harm.
Why? I've talked about this already, right? Like
there's so much for men to work on with regards
to... working through insecurities and all the
bitch -ass shit that they need to work through,
but you can't do it necessarily with just random
people that you meet or with your friends if
they're not equipped to deal with this kind of
stuff. You're going to need a professional at
some point. Well, if you can't find a professional,
that's a problem, and it's not your fault if
there are just not enough professionals available.
This is a community issue. This is a collective
issue. We need to figure out a way to... provide
more of these spaces for men. By that, what I
mean is we need more male therapists. Like, we
need a lot more. It doesn't have to be 50 -50.
We just need more options. We just need more
of them so that it's not impossible for men to
go ahead and seek out therapy. Right? I mean,
I always tell, you know, guys, like, look, it's
a godsend to have a therapist you could turn
to. But I also know that they're going to have
a hard time finding a therapist because there's
not a lot of men that are in this field. unfortunately.
And again, these are not individual issues. I
know good men who want to do what they can to
help other men. There's something systemic going
on. When there's this kind of disparity, it's
a societal issue. It's not going to be fixed
by a few people trying to do good work. It's
going to have to be fixed collectively as a community.
What I want to say is that if there are any men
who are saying anything discouraging to other
men who are entering into these fields, You need
to shut the fuck up. At this point, we need to
support each other. We need to encourage each
other to get into these fields. And especially
when they're trying to help other men, that's
when we need to not get in their way. We need
to not tease them about it. We need to admire,
respect, push, encourage them to continue on
and get into these fields. These fields are in
dire need of men. For the sake of men. This is
not for anybody else. This is for men. For boys
and for men, we need people, we need men in these
fields. We need to stand by them and find ways
to encourage them to step up into these areas.
I want to quickly return to this whole breadwinner
issue. So men, again, not all men, but many men
seem to take pride in being a provider. I personally
have no problem with that in general. Nothing
wrong with wanting to be a provider. Look, wanting
to take care of the people that matter to you
is not a bad thing. If anything, we should actually
encourage it. We should praise it. We should,
you know, people should take some, I think to
some degree, some pride in it. That said, I do
find that this idea of providing for those you
care about becomes something more harmful to
men when they make it some central part of their
identity. Or they tie their being a provider
strictly with their paycheck, right? There are
many ways to be there for the people you love.
And the people you love will want something from
you and need something from you. And my guess
is that it's not solely your finances, right?
It's not strictly what you could provide in terms
of your financial abilities. I'll admit, this
is one way that I went awry myself and became
more of a bitch. Let me just take my kid as an
example, right? My kid could care less whether
or not I'm able to buy her all the nicest things
in the world. She might be sad if she doesn't
get something that she wants, but her disappointment
is something that she needs to learn to deal
with. That's just part of growing up, learning
how to deal with disappointments, right? It's
not an indictment on me as a father or as a man
that I do not get her everything that she wants.
In fact, that would make me a horrible father
if I just gave her whatever it is that she wanted.
See, what I didn't realize early and had to really
reflect on to understand is that my kid cares
not that I get her stuff, but rather that I'm
present with her. Not physically, but I mean
cognitively and emotionally. like there and present
with her. When I spent time with her, what mattered
was that I saw her and I listened to her. You
know, I was there and entered into the world
that she was in and took the effort to really
understand what it is that she was going through
and knowing that she's still a child, right?
I remember focusing so much on work and making
a living and making sure that I didn't get fired
that mentally... My mind was on work when I was
spending time with her, right? So, like, physically
I might be there with her, but my mind was elsewhere.
And she definitely picks up on it, right? She
could tell when I wasn't engaged and when I wasn't
listening. You know, she would say something,
and then I would respond in a way that clearly
told her, like, I did not understand. I didn't
listen. I didn't attend to what it is that she
was actually saying, right? My mind was on finances,
on health insurance, on taxes, and all this other
stuff. Does that mean that it doesn't matter
whether or not I do a good job at work or bring
home a steady paycheck? No, of course that matters,
right? But my point is that it didn't matter
to my kid. It didn't matter to my then wife.
It didn't matter because money was just a means
to ensure that we can do the things that we actually
wanted to, right? And for them, what mattered
was that we spent quality time together, that
when we were spending time together, that...
You know, we were actually engaged with one another,
connecting with one another, forming just wonderful
memories together. Right. That's what mattered.
Right. The relational side of it. That's what
mattered. Right. No one was expecting me to buy,
you know, really nice, expensive stuff or to
ensure that we got like a big giant house. Right.
Or to go on some fancy vacations like that didn't
matter. We could have worked around all of that,
given how much, you know, means we had. What
mattered was that when we did spend time together.
in our day -to -day lives that I was present
and there for them for whatever else it is that
they needed, like emotional support or to form
these memories or to just enjoy life together,
right? And what I think men often lose sight
of is the fact that work, money, earning potential,
all this can serve some good in your ability
to care for others. But we need to look hard
in the mirror and start asking, Who this is all
really for. If you really have your priorities
straight and work and money is just a means to
an end, right, with the primary goal that you
be there for the ones you love, if you are really
aiming to be a provider in the fullest sense,
right, I have news for you. The people you love
want you, not your money, right? If you have
a genuine relationship, if you have people who
actually care about you, What they want is you.
They don't want your money. They don't want your
job title. They like all those things because
it helps for them to develop something with you,
right? When you're not under financial strain,
it allows you to free your mind so that you could
actually focus on your relationships and experience
with each other and so on, right? But at the
end of the day, the final goal that they have,
they truly love you, is that they want you, the
person, right? If your pursuit of money or job
title doesn't align with what the people who
love you want from you, then you're going to
have to ask yourself whether you're actually
doing this for them or for yourself. Because
I'll tell you this, it's probably not for them.
If they're not asking for it, then it's not really
for them. It seems like it has more to do with
you, right? I don't know what it is, right? Maybe
you're insecure about your job status and maybe
you have good reason for it. Like maybe you've
gotten fired in the past. And so that, you know,
was a traumatic experience. It was really stressful
and you didn't want to ever experience that again.
So you poured yourself into work or maybe you
want power or recognition, right? Maybe you didn't
get enough of that at some point. And then, so
you want to feel like you're the shit. I don't
know. Or maybe you're like me and grew up without
money. So money represents for you security,
right? So for me, it was a lot of anxiety when
I didn't have what I thought was enough money.
So maybe it's something like that for you. But
notice that all of this, all of this is then
for you, right? It's to address your own anxiety.
It's to address your own insecurities. It's to
address something that you feel missing in your
life. And now you're using money and work as
a way to not address the deeper issues that are
plaguing you. but rather you're doing it to avoid
the core issues and instead you twist it into
something about you needing to do this for other
people when in reality it's you not addressing
whatever is going on with you, right? And again,
because you're avoiding addressing the core issues
like your insecurities and your anxieties, you're
being a bitch, right? All I'm saying is this.
If you claim that you work hard and want to be
a breadwinner, to be a provider for your friends
and family, for your loved ones, then you better
make damn sure that it's actually about them
and not about you. The truth is, if you cared
about just being there for the ones you love,
if you care about being a provider, of being
a good caretaker, of being somebody who's reliable,
being somebody who others can lean on, If it's
really about them and being the kind of person
that could support the people around you, right,
then whether or not you're the breadwinner, that
shouldn't be your primary concern. It could be
a part of your concern, right, to want to contribute
in some way possible. But if your partner is
able to earn more and it doesn't affect the relationship
because you're not being a bitch about it, right,
then you can find ways to contribute to your
loved ones, right? that doesn't necessarily involve
being the breadwinner, right? It's like you lost
focus of what actually mattered. If what mattered
to you was caring for the people you love, there
are a lot of ways of doing it. It doesn't necessarily
have to be by being the main income earner, right?
I mentioned my friend who was a stay -at -home
dad. That man is no bitch, right? He is doing
his part in caring for the people he loves. The
situation that he happens to be in is just one
in which it makes more financial sense for his
partner to, you know, go ahead and work, to earn
the large portion of the income, and for him
to spend the rest of the time, because especially
given, you know, if you live in California, you
know this, right? Given how expensive childcare
costs are, right? Given how young their kids
are, right? It makes much more sense for him
to go ahead and be the primary childcare. Right.
Provider. Right. Like to be the one to take care
of the kids, to send them off to daycare, to
go ahead and make sure that they, you know, are
getting all the things they need in order and
preparing for the next stage, getting them registered
in schools, yada, yada, like all the things that
come with taking care of kids. It just made more
sense in his situation to provide in that way.
Right. He isn't he isn't insecure about it. No
one gives him shit about it. Right. In fact,
it's weird because none of the other men in his
life seem to look down on him at all, right?
And he doesn't seem to feel less of a man. And
he doesn't need to feel that way because he finds
joy in doing the thing that he loves and being
there for the people that are really depending
on him. That's what a real man looks like. At
the end of the day, I think that men want more
than anything to be useful, productive, valued
members of society. We collectively need to fight
to put men in positions where they can be just
that. The last thing we want to do is to discourage
men from entering into these professions because
by calling them or giving them the impression
that it's not man's work. There's no gender role
when it comes to profession. It's either you
can do the job or you can't do the job. It's
one or the other, right? And I hope you agree
with me that there are a lot of professions that
are seen as women's jobs that we need to encourage
men to enter. It's not for themselves. It's for
the sake of the entire community. It's for the
sake of all the boys and men who are in need
of these sorts of services from other men. It
makes a difference. I don't know what it'll take,
okay? What kind of incentive or social awareness
or whatever else we need to promote. If somebody
comes up with some good ideas, I know I've heard
some floating around, I will support it. I will
push for it. But what should be clear is that
we in the least should be encouraging men into
entering into these fields. So this is an open
invitation. Please, men, consider these fields.
You are sorely needed to make a real difference
in the world. You are not a bitch for taking
on these jobs. It's the exact opposite. The people
discouraging you from going into these fields,
they're the bitches. You're rather someone who
should be respected and looked up to for taking
on this burdensome task of supporting boys and
men in these ways. You're doing something that
few other men are doing, but something that men
truly, truly need. And I can't think of anything
nobler. So much respect to you.