WEBVTT 00:00:37.070 --> 00:00:39.210 how men need to live in a community with others, 00:00:39.329 --> 00:00:41.750 that we can't try to do everything ourselves, 00:00:41.750 --> 00:00:43.609 and that trying to do everything ourselves is 00:00:43.609 --> 00:00:45.969 probably a reflection of some insecure bitch 00:00:45.969 --> 00:00:49.350 shit that you need to work on. But there are 00:00:49.350 --> 00:00:52.070 many ways to be in community with others, and 00:00:52.070 --> 00:00:53.770 I want to highlight something that I experience 00:00:53.770 --> 00:00:56.789 sometimes in my life that is not only a pet peeve, 00:00:56.869 --> 00:01:00.109 but also an example of some bitch shit, okay? 00:01:00.429 --> 00:01:03.109 What I'm talking about is the non -confrontational 00:01:03.109 --> 00:01:06.810 bitch, the quote -unquote peacemaker. That's 00:01:06.810 --> 00:01:09.150 really a bitch in disguise. The quote unquote 00:01:09.150 --> 00:01:12.549 nice guy. Okay. I'm just going to say it first 00:01:12.549 --> 00:01:16.489 and unpack it as I go. The dude who doesn't come 00:01:16.489 --> 00:01:19.489 to me directly with an issue that they have with 00:01:19.489 --> 00:01:22.569 me, no matter how big or small, but tries to 00:01:22.569 --> 00:01:25.049 pretend like everything's okay, is a top notch 00:01:25.049 --> 00:01:29.549 grade A bitch. Come at me like a man. Okay. Let 00:01:29.549 --> 00:01:33.650 me share a quick story. I am a fairly confrontational. 00:01:34.810 --> 00:01:37.609 person, at least with men. I am less so with 00:01:37.609 --> 00:01:40.689 women, but that was because I was a bitch and 00:01:40.689 --> 00:01:43.129 projected my own uncertainties with regards to 00:01:43.129 --> 00:01:45.349 how to talk to women and then projected it onto 00:01:45.349 --> 00:01:47.430 them. Okay. I'm still trying to be less of a 00:01:47.430 --> 00:01:50.069 bitch in that way. But with men, especially ones 00:01:50.069 --> 00:01:53.969 that I'm close to, I don't hold back. That often 00:01:53.969 --> 00:01:57.010 results in a lot of hurt feelings. I know I have 00:01:57.010 --> 00:01:59.450 friends, good friends, that feel a certain way 00:01:59.450 --> 00:02:02.930 about me, hurt by something I said, maybe resentful 00:02:02.930 --> 00:02:05.620 of something I did. And they never said a thing 00:02:05.620 --> 00:02:09.800 to me. Now, I read body language all the time. 00:02:09.900 --> 00:02:13.479 I am hypersensitive to that shit. Since I grew 00:02:13.479 --> 00:02:15.800 up as a pastor's kid, you kind of always had 00:02:15.800 --> 00:02:18.740 to have your guard up, especially with people 00:02:18.740 --> 00:02:22.539 that attended my dad's church. I know without 00:02:22.539 --> 00:02:25.400 a shadow of a doubt that I have friends that 00:02:25.400 --> 00:02:27.719 feel this way about me, but haven't said anything. 00:02:28.360 --> 00:02:31.419 I have even welcomed them, to be honest with 00:02:31.419 --> 00:02:34.479 me, said that... Just told them straight up, 00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:36.280 like, I know that you have some issue with me. 00:02:36.580 --> 00:02:40.180 Just say it with your chest. Come at me. I have 00:02:40.180 --> 00:02:42.240 no problem hearing it. I'm not going to be dismissive 00:02:42.240 --> 00:02:44.180 of you. I want to hear what you have to say so 00:02:44.180 --> 00:02:46.120 we can talk about it and just squash whatever 00:02:46.120 --> 00:02:50.740 it is, right? But still nothing, okay? Here's 00:02:50.740 --> 00:02:53.479 the thing. What happens when they don't confront 00:02:53.479 --> 00:02:56.360 me directly? I'll tell you exactly what happens, 00:02:56.580 --> 00:02:58.719 okay? It plays out more or less in a similar 00:02:58.719 --> 00:03:01.580 fashion every time. Whatever they felt, it doesn't 00:03:01.580 --> 00:03:04.400 go away. That anger, resentment, hurt, it just 00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:07.000 all builds up. This is what I need men to understand. 00:03:07.780 --> 00:03:10.319 Feelings do not go away because you wish them 00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:13.680 to go away, okay? You can try to deny it all 00:03:13.680 --> 00:03:15.840 you want, try to convince yourself that you're 00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:18.500 quote unquote over it, but those feelings without 00:03:18.500 --> 00:03:21.460 fail will linger until you address them. And 00:03:21.460 --> 00:03:23.360 if you're not going to address it directly, then 00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:26.120 those feelings just leak out in other ways. So 00:03:26.120 --> 00:03:28.860 what do my friends do sometimes? Maybe they don't 00:03:28.860 --> 00:03:30.900 invite me to something or attend something that 00:03:30.900 --> 00:03:33.520 matters to me. Maybe they don't reach out to 00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:35.300 show genuine care when I'm going through a hard 00:03:35.300 --> 00:03:38.599 time. Maybe they talk shit behind my back. Maybe, 00:03:38.680 --> 00:03:41.199 and I found this to be quite common among the 00:03:41.199 --> 00:03:44.460 men that I know, they blow up on you. All that 00:03:44.460 --> 00:03:47.419 pent -up anger explodes over some incident that 00:03:47.419 --> 00:03:50.500 honestly isn't... doesn't call for that kind 00:03:50.500 --> 00:03:53.219 of explosion because you know it's not about 00:03:53.219 --> 00:03:55.539 that incident right there's all this other stuff 00:03:55.539 --> 00:03:57.819 that's been brewing for a long time because they 00:03:57.819 --> 00:04:00.060 never actually addressed whatever it is that 00:04:00.060 --> 00:04:02.659 they were feeling every one of these responses 00:04:02.659 --> 00:04:05.979 every single one that i just named right this 00:04:05.979 --> 00:04:08.780 is all just some bitch shit okay all of these 00:04:08.780 --> 00:04:11.379 are ways to avoid the heart of what you're feeling 00:04:11.379 --> 00:04:14.639 and why if you have a problem with me you need 00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:19.629 to talk to me about it and through some intermediary, 00:04:19.649 --> 00:04:22.069 not through some passive -aggressive shit, not 00:04:22.069 --> 00:04:25.569 through some other person. You need to come to 00:04:25.569 --> 00:04:30.050 me as a fellow man and say shit to me straight 00:04:30.050 --> 00:04:34.040 up, okay? Be a fucking grown man. All right? 00:04:34.300 --> 00:04:36.480 Don't expect others to fight your battles for 00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:39.439 you or for karma to come get me. Karma's not 00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:42.319 going to come get me. No. If I did something 00:04:42.319 --> 00:04:45.600 to hurt you, if I wronged you, you need to take 00:04:45.600 --> 00:04:48.000 it up with me so that we can resolve it then 00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:51.100 and there. Okay? Give me the chance to hear you 00:04:51.100 --> 00:04:54.379 out. Give me the opportunity to apologize and 00:04:54.379 --> 00:04:56.920 to rectify the wrong I did to you. It'll honestly 00:04:56.920 --> 00:04:59.560 help you feel a lot better and you'll actually 00:04:59.560 --> 00:05:01.959 feel like things are resolved. Don't be a bitch 00:05:01.959 --> 00:05:06.759 and hide behind shit, okay? All right, this all 00:05:06.759 --> 00:05:08.920 leads me to talk about what I really wanted to 00:05:08.920 --> 00:05:12.519 talk about, which is the stereotypical nice guy. 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:16.060 Let's call the nice guy what they really are. 00:05:16.779 --> 00:05:20.670 It's fake nice. You're not genuinely nice. You're 00:05:20.670 --> 00:05:23.949 just a bitch that's too scared to engage in direct 00:05:23.949 --> 00:05:26.670 confrontation. So you hide behind the facade 00:05:26.670 --> 00:05:30.269 of someone who is nice so that you don't get 00:05:30.269 --> 00:05:34.209 blowback. You don't seem like the unreasonable 00:05:34.209 --> 00:05:38.610 or mean one, okay? you're trying to get people 00:05:38.610 --> 00:05:41.329 on your side to comfort you to tell you how wonderful 00:05:41.329 --> 00:05:43.430 you are how generous you are how understanding 00:05:43.430 --> 00:05:46.410 you are how nice you are but what's really happening 00:05:46.410 --> 00:05:49.889 is that you don't have the balls to say how you 00:05:49.889 --> 00:05:55.089 really feel okay now if you're like this i don't 00:05:55.089 --> 00:05:58.779 know exactly why you're this way Each person 00:05:58.779 --> 00:06:02.019 goes on their own journey. So you need to figure 00:06:02.019 --> 00:06:05.300 out for yourself exactly, you know, why it is 00:06:05.300 --> 00:06:08.120 that you tend to be this way. Maybe you've gotten 00:06:08.120 --> 00:06:10.060 in, you know, terrible responses when you try 00:06:10.060 --> 00:06:12.740 to confront somebody directly, you know, then 00:06:12.740 --> 00:06:17.899 find out, you know, like, you know, that you 00:06:17.899 --> 00:06:20.120 are just not very good at, you know, addressing 00:06:20.120 --> 00:06:23.600 these difficult conversations. We've all had 00:06:23.600 --> 00:06:25.959 those experiences. Confrontation is not necessarily 00:06:25.959 --> 00:06:29.079 easy, and doing it well requires skill, it requires 00:06:29.079 --> 00:06:32.040 training, it requires experience, right? So then 00:06:32.040 --> 00:06:34.079 find out how to bring up difficult conversations 00:06:34.079 --> 00:06:36.319 and be better about it. You could do that by 00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:38.720 seeing a therapist, by practicing with people 00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:42.079 that are good at the kind of confrontation. It's 00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:44.199 an actual skill set. You could practice it and 00:06:44.199 --> 00:06:47.120 get better about it, right? I don't have the 00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:49.360 solution for you specifically. All I know is 00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:53.220 that avoiding it is going to make you more of 00:06:53.220 --> 00:06:57.459 a bitch, okay? And as with all bitchiness, you 00:06:57.459 --> 00:06:59.620 won't grow out of it without doing something 00:06:59.620 --> 00:07:02.779 differently, okay? You need to change up the 00:07:02.779 --> 00:07:05.379 way that you approach these sorts of conflicts, 00:07:05.620 --> 00:07:09.220 okay? All right, does this mean that we need 00:07:09.220 --> 00:07:11.360 to be confronting each other all the time over 00:07:11.360 --> 00:07:13.920 everything? No, I think, look, I think there's 00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:16.649 a virtue in letting things go. especially if 00:07:16.649 --> 00:07:19.230 it really isn't that big of a deal. But just 00:07:19.230 --> 00:07:21.110 make sure that when you say you let it go, you 00:07:21.110 --> 00:07:24.629 actually let it go. A lot of people will say, 00:07:24.730 --> 00:07:28.629 oh, I'm over it, I let it go. But then clearly 00:07:28.629 --> 00:07:30.350 you're still bothered by it because you talk 00:07:30.350 --> 00:07:32.009 about it, because you think about it, because 00:07:32.009 --> 00:07:33.810 it still haunts you in some form or fashion. 00:07:34.149 --> 00:07:36.250 Or it comes up again when there's another confrontation 00:07:36.250 --> 00:07:39.009 that is very similar to that. There's a clear 00:07:39.009 --> 00:07:42.470 way to tell if you actually let it go. You don't 00:07:42.470 --> 00:07:44.879 think about it. You don't ruminate over it. You 00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:47.199 don't bring it up. You don't get reminded or 00:07:47.199 --> 00:07:49.439 triggered by something similar that happens, 00:07:49.500 --> 00:07:52.259 right? You are genuinely over it. Like it's almost 00:07:52.259 --> 00:07:54.120 like you completely forgot it even ever happened. 00:07:54.899 --> 00:07:57.819 If it's something that continuously enters into 00:07:57.819 --> 00:08:02.399 your mind, then you are not over it and you need 00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:05.480 to address it. Clearly, it's weighing on you, 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:09.620 not me, on you. That's the opposite of letting 00:08:09.620 --> 00:08:13.420 go. Letting things go feels like a load off your 00:08:13.420 --> 00:08:15.819 shoulders. You aren't worried about it. You don't 00:08:15.819 --> 00:08:17.899 think about it. You don't even have it on your 00:08:17.899 --> 00:08:20.360 radar. You damn near forget. Like I said, you 00:08:20.360 --> 00:08:23.199 forget that it even happened. If you're not at 00:08:23.199 --> 00:08:26.399 peace, there's only way to address the problem, 00:08:26.480 --> 00:08:30.120 and that's head on. Head on. That's it. If you 00:08:30.120 --> 00:08:32.440 don't, then the problem just gets bigger and 00:08:32.440 --> 00:08:35.519 bigger until it explodes and has some consequences 00:08:35.519 --> 00:08:38.460 you're not going to like. Okay. I had to learn 00:08:38.460 --> 00:08:41.080 this lesson over years of continuously making 00:08:41.080 --> 00:08:44.340 the same mistake again and again in my marriage 00:08:44.340 --> 00:08:46.519 and with my parents. Oh God, I blew up on my 00:08:46.519 --> 00:08:48.299 parents so many times, right? I tried to pretend 00:08:48.299 --> 00:08:50.460 that everything was okay. Tried to convince myself, 00:08:50.620 --> 00:08:52.639 you know, that it was true that I had gotten 00:08:52.639 --> 00:08:55.600 over it, that I'm not upset by something that 00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:58.440 they tend to do. Okay. Maybe I even told myself 00:08:58.440 --> 00:09:01.240 to be the bigger man. You need to let it go. 00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:03.159 This is what, you know, this is what man does. 00:09:03.299 --> 00:09:07.009 Okay. Except I can't just make my feelings go 00:09:07.009 --> 00:09:09.210 the way I want, right? And this is just reality 00:09:09.210 --> 00:09:11.809 of human life, right? You can't just make yourself 00:09:11.809 --> 00:09:14.370 feel differently by telling yourself, I don't 00:09:14.370 --> 00:09:15.870 get what cognitive behavioral therapy says, right? 00:09:15.909 --> 00:09:18.750 You can't make yourself feel differently, okay? 00:09:18.850 --> 00:09:21.710 Those little things will build up and it'll blow 00:09:21.710 --> 00:09:24.110 up on you, right? It will just come out in some 00:09:24.110 --> 00:09:27.289 form or fashion. It doesn't go away until you 00:09:27.289 --> 00:09:29.590 at least do something to address those feelings. 00:09:30.269 --> 00:09:33.070 And here's the thing, when it blows up, it damages 00:09:33.070 --> 00:09:36.470 relationships that you care about in far deeper 00:09:36.470 --> 00:09:38.870 and more harmful ways than you initially would 00:09:38.870 --> 00:09:41.289 have thought it would, you know, harm your relationship, 00:09:41.409 --> 00:09:44.190 right? So look, if you've experienced anything 00:09:44.190 --> 00:09:46.610 like this before, you know exactly what I'm talking 00:09:46.610 --> 00:09:49.570 about, right? You hold something against somebody, 00:09:49.809 --> 00:09:52.610 you feel resentment, you feel anger, you feel 00:09:52.610 --> 00:09:55.789 wronged. You never address it. So what ends up 00:09:55.789 --> 00:09:58.169 happening? The next time something similar happens 00:09:58.169 --> 00:10:00.850 in your brain, it's like, oh, it's just like 00:10:00.850 --> 00:10:02.169 the last time that you did this shit, right? 00:10:02.929 --> 00:10:05.830 It all comes up and it all comes up exponentially, 00:10:06.950 --> 00:10:08.730 right? The feelings are even much more intense 00:10:08.730 --> 00:10:12.049 because it's not just that one time. It's building 00:10:12.049 --> 00:10:14.070 off of all these other times that you never really 00:10:14.070 --> 00:10:16.789 addressed those similar feelings, right? Being 00:10:16.789 --> 00:10:19.090 nice, that's why nice guys piss me off. Okay, 00:10:19.129 --> 00:10:23.320 being nice isn't doing anyone any favors. All 00:10:23.320 --> 00:10:28.139 you're doing is unilaterally deciding to prevent 00:10:28.139 --> 00:10:31.440 the relationship from healing by sharing your 00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:34.600 feelings. Because you're not sharing how you 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:36.960 feel, you don't give the other person a chance 00:10:36.960 --> 00:10:39.440 to address those feelings. You don't allow for 00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:42.179 the relationship to be healed. There's a fracture 00:10:42.179 --> 00:10:45.200 in the relationship, and you just let that fracture 00:10:45.200 --> 00:10:48.340 simmer and grow into something deeper and much 00:10:48.340 --> 00:10:53.519 more painful. by not bringing shit up, you end 00:10:53.519 --> 00:10:57.080 up ultimately hurting that relationship, okay? 00:10:57.179 --> 00:11:00.879 You, the quote -unquote nice guy, you're doing 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:03.139 something fucked up to the relationship, okay? 00:11:03.340 --> 00:11:07.320 This nice guy bitch shit is also true when we 00:11:07.320 --> 00:11:09.240 talk about the nice guy in the dating context. 00:11:09.279 --> 00:11:11.460 This is where I think I first heard about the 00:11:11.460 --> 00:11:14.139 quote -unquote nice guy, right? I grew up a lot 00:11:14.139 --> 00:11:20.200 with these types of guys. These are the guys 00:11:20.200 --> 00:11:22.940 who've struggled to find a date, and then all 00:11:22.940 --> 00:11:24.899 their friends talk about how they're such nice 00:11:24.899 --> 00:11:27.600 guys, and that anyone would be lucky to date 00:11:27.600 --> 00:11:30.740 them, yada, yada, yada. I think one time I heard 00:11:30.740 --> 00:11:32.419 somebody describe me this way, and I got pissed 00:11:32.419 --> 00:11:35.620 off. For the longest time, I couldn't figure 00:11:35.620 --> 00:11:37.980 out exactly what it was, and I think I have a 00:11:37.980 --> 00:11:39.799 lot more clarity. After years of therapy, I think 00:11:39.799 --> 00:11:41.700 I have a lot more clarity on why the nice guy 00:11:41.700 --> 00:11:44.889 pisses the fuck out of me. Some of these nice 00:11:44.889 --> 00:11:47.289 guys would complain that girls only go for the 00:11:47.289 --> 00:11:50.190 bad boys, right, instead of a nice guy. And so 00:11:50.190 --> 00:11:52.429 they create this whole worldview that in dating, 00:11:52.509 --> 00:11:54.990 you have to be mean or edgy to be attractive, 00:11:55.289 --> 00:11:57.169 right? Like that's how you attract girls, okay? 00:11:58.029 --> 00:11:59.730 Some of them end up being an asshole because 00:11:59.730 --> 00:12:01.110 they think that this is the way to get girls. 00:12:01.250 --> 00:12:03.370 But others continue on their path of being the 00:12:03.370 --> 00:12:05.929 quote -unquote nice guy, okay? Okay, let me break 00:12:05.929 --> 00:12:07.409 down what's actually happening, okay? So we're 00:12:07.409 --> 00:12:10.370 going to unpack the nice guy bullshit, and we're 00:12:10.370 --> 00:12:11.470 going to expose them for the bitch that they 00:12:11.470 --> 00:12:14.340 are, okay? When we call a guy a nice guy, what 00:12:14.340 --> 00:12:17.159 are we really saying? What we're really saying 00:12:17.159 --> 00:12:20.539 is that they act nice. I can't stress this enough. 00:12:20.779 --> 00:12:25.539 They're acting nice. Their behavior fits in with 00:12:25.539 --> 00:12:29.559 someone who is genuinely nice. Okay? To some 00:12:29.559 --> 00:12:31.620 degree, this person might genuinely be nice. 00:12:32.220 --> 00:12:35.139 But the nice guy persona is just that. It's a 00:12:35.139 --> 00:12:39.500 persona. It's a facade. It's fake. Why? Because 00:12:39.500 --> 00:12:44.620 no one is like this. all the fucking time. If 00:12:44.620 --> 00:12:47.720 you're nice all the time, it's a red flag for 00:12:47.720 --> 00:12:50.840 me because it means that you're fake as fuck, 00:12:51.019 --> 00:12:55.200 okay? You can't be nice all the time. Friction, 00:12:55.360 --> 00:12:58.960 conflict, disagreements, these are all normal 00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:02.159 parts of human relationships. All completely 00:13:02.159 --> 00:13:05.879 normal, okay? Feelings that come with them, anger, 00:13:06.039 --> 00:13:09.179 resentment, hurt, frustration, these are all 00:13:09.179 --> 00:13:13.360 normal too. Okay, so why the hell would I believe 00:13:13.360 --> 00:13:16.559 a person to be genuine if they don't ever express 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:21.200 the range of normal fucking human emotions? I 00:13:21.200 --> 00:13:23.320 wouldn't be surprised if people don't want to 00:13:23.320 --> 00:13:24.759 date the nice guy because they find something 00:13:24.759 --> 00:13:26.980 off about the nice guy. They can't put their 00:13:26.980 --> 00:13:28.840 finger on it, but something about them feels 00:13:28.840 --> 00:13:30.919 off. I'm going to tell you exactly what feels 00:13:30.919 --> 00:13:33.879 off, okay? I think people have good intuitions 00:13:33.879 --> 00:13:36.299 about this kind of stuff. They just don't know, 00:13:36.379 --> 00:13:38.539 may not have the exact words. I'm going to do 00:13:38.539 --> 00:13:40.649 it for you, okay? you're probably thinking that 00:13:40.649 --> 00:13:43.429 this person is fake as fuck. That when you talk 00:13:43.429 --> 00:13:46.029 to them, you don't feel any real connection because 00:13:46.029 --> 00:13:49.169 they're presenting you with an image of who they, 00:13:49.309 --> 00:13:52.789 you know, an image of who they maybe want to 00:13:52.789 --> 00:13:54.269 present themselves to be, not who they really 00:13:54.269 --> 00:13:58.490 are. They feel bland because they feel like someone 00:13:58.490 --> 00:14:01.470 who was AI generated by an amalgamation of nice 00:14:01.470 --> 00:14:03.789 guy memes or something like that. They don't 00:14:03.789 --> 00:14:07.120 feel real. And in a game of attraction, like 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:12.019 real attraction, authenticity is key, okay? Nothing 00:14:12.019 --> 00:14:15.440 beats authenticity. Nice guys don't feel authentic. 00:14:15.620 --> 00:14:18.000 And there's a reason they don't feel authentic 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:23.600 because no one is nice and agreeable about every 00:14:23.600 --> 00:14:27.820 fucking thing. That's not a normal human, okay? 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:32.080 That's robot. That's fake shit, okay? Here's 00:14:32.080 --> 00:14:34.429 something else about this nice guy. This nice 00:14:34.429 --> 00:14:37.929 guy tends to be non -confrontational and, more 00:14:37.929 --> 00:14:40.809 generally, fairly risk -averse, specifically 00:14:40.809 --> 00:14:43.389 to protect themselves. That's why they're non 00:14:43.389 --> 00:14:45.149 -confrontational. That's why they're risk -averse. 00:14:45.389 --> 00:14:50.610 It comes down to this inability to, you know, 00:14:50.610 --> 00:14:53.370 be direct with people because doing so means 00:14:53.370 --> 00:14:55.309 that you put yourself out there, you put yourself 00:14:55.309 --> 00:14:58.529 at risk, okay? Let me give you an example, right? 00:14:58.590 --> 00:15:01.110 Like, look, if you have a romantic interest, 00:15:01.309 --> 00:15:05.480 okay? And you're not able to be open about your 00:15:05.480 --> 00:15:07.539 genuine romantic interest in that person, your 00:15:07.539 --> 00:15:10.580 attraction to them and your intentions. The fact 00:15:10.580 --> 00:15:12.759 that you can't be direct with them. Why is that? 00:15:13.100 --> 00:15:16.460 My guess is you're scared little bitch. That's 00:15:16.460 --> 00:15:20.139 what it is. You're a coward. You don't want to 00:15:20.139 --> 00:15:22.299 acknowledge, put it out there, say it out loud 00:15:22.299 --> 00:15:25.000 that you like the person because then you could 00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:29.000 officially be rejected. Whereas if you play the 00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:31.460 nice guy and then just be friends with them and 00:15:31.460 --> 00:15:34.340 then you kind of just let things happen, then 00:15:34.340 --> 00:15:36.779 you can try to test out the waters without actually 00:15:36.779 --> 00:15:38.779 taking the risk of putting your feelings out 00:15:38.779 --> 00:15:41.320 there. I've never heard anyone describe a guy 00:15:41.320 --> 00:15:43.720 who goes up to someone they like and just say, 00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:47.379 hey, I like you and want to take you out on a 00:15:47.379 --> 00:15:51.330 date, okay? I'm sorry, I'm talking about a nice 00:15:51.330 --> 00:15:52.809 guy here, right? I never heard anyone describe 00:15:52.809 --> 00:15:54.549 a nice guy as someone who does something like 00:15:54.549 --> 00:15:57.929 this. No, the nice guy sits back and plays the 00:15:57.929 --> 00:16:00.669 friend role, covertly gets close to someone, 00:16:00.809 --> 00:16:03.629 and tries to imply their attraction by being 00:16:03.629 --> 00:16:07.289 around to listen and help. This implicit shit 00:16:07.289 --> 00:16:10.809 is bitch shit. It's cowardly. It's the, I want 00:16:10.809 --> 00:16:12.450 to ask you out, but I'm afraid of rejection, 00:16:12.610 --> 00:16:15.730 so I won't explicitly ask you out. Because doing 00:16:15.730 --> 00:16:18.529 that will mean I might actually get officially 00:16:18.529 --> 00:16:20.690 rejected. So what I'm going to do is I'm going 00:16:20.690 --> 00:16:25.669 to find the workaround. I know this. I know that 00:16:25.669 --> 00:16:27.149 nice guys do this kind of shit. Because I used 00:16:27.149 --> 00:16:30.230 to do some of this shit. I told you. I had a 00:16:30.230 --> 00:16:32.190 lot of bitch in me. I needed to work through 00:16:32.190 --> 00:16:35.830 this stuff. If you want to know who can identify 00:16:35.830 --> 00:16:37.850 bitches really well, it's the ones that are recovering 00:16:37.850 --> 00:16:39.750 bitches, right? It's like Alcoholics Anonymous, 00:16:39.909 --> 00:16:42.330 right? The ones that are going through the 12 00:16:42.330 --> 00:16:44.070 -step program and learning not to be a bitch, 00:16:44.110 --> 00:16:45.990 right? Those are the ones who's like, I've been 00:16:45.990 --> 00:16:48.049 there. I've had to acknowledge it. You see it 00:16:48.049 --> 00:16:50.110 a little bit more clearly, right? This is not 00:16:50.110 --> 00:16:52.929 being a real nice guy, right? This is being a 00:16:52.929 --> 00:16:54.529 coward. That's what this is, right? Let's call 00:16:54.529 --> 00:16:56.610 it what it is, okay? You're not fooling me. You're 00:16:56.610 --> 00:16:58.490 not fooling me because I know exactly what you're 00:16:58.490 --> 00:17:00.809 doing. It's some bitch shit. We need to call 00:17:00.809 --> 00:17:04.549 it out for what it is. If you really genuinely 00:17:04.549 --> 00:17:08.710 were somebody that actually wasn't cowardly and 00:17:08.710 --> 00:17:11.250 was able to stand on your shit, you would just 00:17:11.250 --> 00:17:14.450 be able to take that risk and to put your feelings 00:17:14.450 --> 00:17:18.150 out there and be okay and learn to deal with 00:17:18.150 --> 00:17:20.369 rejection like a normal fucking human being. 00:17:20.789 --> 00:17:25.609 Jeez Christ. One more thing. This nice guy role 00:17:25.609 --> 00:17:27.309 also comes with something dark and disgusting. 00:17:28.970 --> 00:17:31.789 This is the misogynist side of the nice guy. 00:17:33.049 --> 00:17:35.630 I'm pretty sure there's probably feminists who 00:17:35.630 --> 00:17:37.930 have pointed this out. I am completely on board 00:17:37.930 --> 00:17:40.349 with their assessment. The nice guy is a complete 00:17:40.349 --> 00:17:43.690 bitch and a covert misogynist piece of shit asshole. 00:17:43.950 --> 00:17:46.509 And we need to call it out because I need people 00:17:46.509 --> 00:17:49.329 to see exactly what's happening and to not support 00:17:49.329 --> 00:17:51.990 this shit. Nice guys sometimes feel like they're 00:17:51.990 --> 00:17:54.990 owed something because they are nice. That's 00:17:54.990 --> 00:17:57.210 the most disgusting shit I've ever heard of in 00:17:57.210 --> 00:18:01.420 my life. Nice guys feel like they are owed something 00:18:01.420 --> 00:18:03.859 because they are nice. The underlying attitude 00:18:03.859 --> 00:18:06.960 is something like this. I am nice, so I deserve 00:18:06.960 --> 00:18:10.099 to have someone insert the name of somebody that 00:18:10.099 --> 00:18:12.079 they want to be, whatever their romantic interest 00:18:12.079 --> 00:18:15.660 is. This sense that you deserve anything because 00:18:15.660 --> 00:18:20.680 you're nice is gross, nasty shit. First off, 00:18:20.740 --> 00:18:25.380 the fact that you even think this. The fact that 00:18:25.380 --> 00:18:27.559 you even think this makes me believe you're not 00:18:27.559 --> 00:18:30.900 really nice, but you're using the niceness or 00:18:30.900 --> 00:18:35.240 the act of it as a way to gain, to earn affection, 00:18:35.519 --> 00:18:39.460 okay? A real nice person wouldn't be nice with 00:18:39.460 --> 00:18:42.539 expectations of something in return. That's like 00:18:42.539 --> 00:18:44.960 a billionaire claiming they're generous because 00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:47.200 they donate a bunch of money to charity with 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:50.740 the expectation that they get their name plastered 00:18:50.740 --> 00:18:53.519 all over a bunch of awards and shit. You're not 00:18:53.519 --> 00:18:57.500 genuinely generous if you're giving to charity 00:18:57.500 --> 00:19:00.500 with the expectation of recognition and acknowledgement. 00:19:00.700 --> 00:19:04.420 That's fake shit. That's fake generosity. But 00:19:04.420 --> 00:19:06.720 also, the attitude that you deserve a partner 00:19:06.720 --> 00:19:10.240 because you're nice. That turns the partner, 00:19:10.359 --> 00:19:13.920 the object of your affection, into nothing more 00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:16.099 than an object. That's really all it is. You're 00:19:16.099 --> 00:19:17.859 basically saying that they can't have their own 00:19:17.859 --> 00:19:19.720 feelings and thoughts and attitudes about you, 00:19:19.759 --> 00:19:22.839 but rather they are obligated to like you for 00:19:22.839 --> 00:19:26.319 your being nice to them. What kind of manipulative 00:19:26.319 --> 00:19:30.859 bullshit is that? Love and affection isn't earned 00:19:30.859 --> 00:19:34.970 in this way, okay? It's not deserved by your 00:19:34.970 --> 00:19:37.869 working really hard, okay? I'm sorry, but there's 00:19:37.869 --> 00:19:40.210 no way to make someone like you. Either they 00:19:40.210 --> 00:19:43.150 do or they don't, okay? That's just not how attraction 00:19:43.150 --> 00:19:47.450 works. Here's what you can do. You can be more 00:19:47.450 --> 00:19:49.670 authentic and work on being the best version 00:19:49.670 --> 00:19:51.930 of yourself. You can put yourself out there, 00:19:51.970 --> 00:19:55.069 try to meet different people. And I'm fairly 00:19:55.069 --> 00:19:57.970 sure that if you're engaging with people with 00:19:57.970 --> 00:19:59.950 similar interests, similar backgrounds, similar 00:19:59.950 --> 00:20:03.420 values, You put yourself out there and you're 00:20:03.420 --> 00:20:06.519 being genuine and authentic in the circles where 00:20:06.519 --> 00:20:10.440 people have common interests with you. I am sure 00:20:10.440 --> 00:20:12.440 you'll find someone who likes you for who you 00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:16.579 are. Why do I believe that? I firmly believe 00:20:16.579 --> 00:20:19.940 that authenticity is attractive. Because authenticity 00:20:19.940 --> 00:20:22.799 leads to real meaningful human connections. The 00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:24.640 ones that are needed to hold down real relationships. 00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:28.480 But if you don't do that... You're not going 00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:30.440 to find somebody who actually likes you. They're 00:20:30.440 --> 00:20:33.240 going to like whatever facade you put on, okay? 00:20:33.599 --> 00:20:35.599 That's what the nice guy thing is, right? It's 00:20:35.599 --> 00:20:39.819 an act. It's a bullshit act, okay? You're not 00:20:39.819 --> 00:20:42.240 really nice. Stop lying to other people and stop 00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:44.839 lying to yourself. You're not really nice. If 00:20:44.839 --> 00:20:46.940 you call yourself the nice guy, that's surefire 00:20:46.940 --> 00:20:48.779 where for me to know you're a bitch. You're not 00:20:48.779 --> 00:20:51.299 a nice guy. You're a bitch. That's what you are, 00:20:51.359 --> 00:20:56.299 okay? Stop faking it. Just be real. Be honest. 00:20:56.460 --> 00:20:58.079 Sometimes you don't like what the other person 00:20:58.079 --> 00:21:01.279 is doing. You don't need to constantly do shit 00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:03.440 in order to gain approval. That's manipulative 00:21:03.440 --> 00:21:05.920 bullshit, okay? I am not having any of that. 00:21:06.859 --> 00:21:09.880 Look, I'm not going to miss my words. If you 00:21:09.880 --> 00:21:14.140 encourage this sort of nice guy persona, you're 00:21:14.140 --> 00:21:16.759 clearly not seeing this person for the bitch 00:21:16.759 --> 00:21:20.980 he is. Stop enabling this shit. Hit them with 00:21:20.980 --> 00:21:24.259 facts. Confront them on the real feelings that 00:21:24.259 --> 00:21:26.299 are driving themselves to present themselves 00:21:26.299 --> 00:21:32.440 as a nice guy. As I've been saying, I think there's 00:21:32.440 --> 00:21:37.059 a lot of bitches that aren't being called out 00:21:37.059 --> 00:21:39.500 for being the bitches that they are. We use other 00:21:39.500 --> 00:21:41.740 words that mask what's going on underneath, and 00:21:41.740 --> 00:21:44.819 so boys think it's okay to be this way and just 00:21:44.819 --> 00:21:47.299 never grow up. We don't give them an example 00:21:47.299 --> 00:21:49.700 of how to discern between the bitches and the 00:21:49.700 --> 00:21:53.059 non -bitches. You know who's a prime example 00:21:53.059 --> 00:21:54.940 of this kind of nice guy persona? Look, I'm going 00:21:54.940 --> 00:21:57.180 to call it out so that we all are on the same 00:21:57.180 --> 00:22:01.920 page about this. Drake is this nice guy persona, 00:22:02.079 --> 00:22:04.599 at least in his early years. Later on, he delved 00:22:04.599 --> 00:22:07.519 into something darker. But I remember in his 00:22:07.519 --> 00:22:11.559 early days, this is back with his take care era. 00:22:12.519 --> 00:22:14.640 He acts all nice and buddy -buddy in front of 00:22:14.640 --> 00:22:16.480 people and then sneak disses them on records 00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:20.079 like the prime bitch that he is, okay? He does 00:22:20.079 --> 00:22:22.839 this with women on his albums, right? He says 00:22:22.839 --> 00:22:25.880 one thing and then he sneakily says a bunch of 00:22:25.880 --> 00:22:28.500 other shit that is insulting. Clearly, he has 00:22:28.500 --> 00:22:31.119 some feelings. No other prime example than the 00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:33.319 way that he comes at Rihanna, which I don't know 00:22:33.319 --> 00:22:35.680 what the fuck that's about. Whatever that is, 00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:37.400 that's some bitch shit is what that is, right? 00:22:38.490 --> 00:22:40.670 Look, there are many guys that look up to Drake, 00:22:40.829 --> 00:22:44.009 which I don't get, okay? I saw him for the bitch 00:22:44.009 --> 00:22:46.910 he was way back when. We're talking like over 00:22:46.910 --> 00:22:49.009 a decade ago. This was a long time ago. This 00:22:49.009 --> 00:22:51.269 has been a long time in the making, okay? But 00:22:51.269 --> 00:22:53.130 I never could understand how other people couldn't 00:22:53.130 --> 00:22:55.730 see that he was such a bitch. Well, I'm going 00:22:55.730 --> 00:22:57.910 to try to call it out exactly for what it is 00:22:57.910 --> 00:23:00.349 and then try to explain exactly why. He tries 00:23:00.349 --> 00:23:03.789 to act nice. when he clearly is just a non -confrontational 00:23:03.789 --> 00:23:07.490 bitch that is too scared to actually say what's 00:23:07.490 --> 00:23:10.549 on his mind and actually acknowledge his own 00:23:10.549 --> 00:23:16.089 feelings towards people. Okay? No, look, we need 00:23:16.089 --> 00:23:18.730 to call this out. If you're not sure you encountered 00:23:18.730 --> 00:23:21.809 a bitch of this kind, right, I'll give you at 00:23:21.809 --> 00:23:24.190 least one blueprint for identifying them pretty 00:23:24.190 --> 00:23:27.089 easily. Ask yourself, do other people describe 00:23:27.089 --> 00:23:30.650 this guy as a nice guy? Instant bitch. See how 00:23:30.650 --> 00:23:33.650 easy that is? Doesn't take much work, right? 00:23:34.210 --> 00:23:35.869 Other people describe this person as a quote 00:23:35.869 --> 00:23:37.329 -unquote nice guy. Oh, let me introduce you to 00:23:37.329 --> 00:23:40.589 this nice guy that I know. Okay. Instantly, you 00:23:40.589 --> 00:23:42.890 know, I'm not taking that date. That's a bitch 00:23:42.890 --> 00:23:45.630 right there, okay? You know who else is this 00:23:45.630 --> 00:23:48.450 kind of a bitch? I didn't realize it just because 00:23:48.450 --> 00:23:49.869 I didn't pay attention because I didn't like 00:23:49.869 --> 00:23:51.849 his music all that much, but Drake's little buddy, 00:23:51.970 --> 00:23:55.430 J. Cole. J. Cole might be an even bigger bitch 00:23:55.430 --> 00:23:58.700 than Drake. which honestly like it boggles my 00:23:58.700 --> 00:24:00.259 mind because i didn't know if that was possible 00:24:00.259 --> 00:24:03.460 but j cole's an even bigger bitch all right trying 00:24:03.460 --> 00:24:06.000 to play peacemaker when he clearly feels a certain 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:08.579 way about the same people that he's trying to 00:24:08.579 --> 00:24:12.880 be all peaceful with okay this faux depth that 00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:16.220 he tries to present that's some bitch ass shit 00:24:16.220 --> 00:24:20.779 okay stand on what you say or don't stand on 00:24:20.779 --> 00:24:23.910 it at all right If you think that you're the 00:24:23.910 --> 00:24:26.029 best, stand on it. If you're going to be competitive 00:24:26.029 --> 00:24:27.930 about it, be competitive about it. Don't go back 00:24:27.930 --> 00:24:30.230 and forth. You're confusing as fuck because it 00:24:30.230 --> 00:24:32.210 seems like you don't even know who you are. You're 00:24:32.210 --> 00:24:34.569 wanting your cake and eat it too, but you're 00:24:34.569 --> 00:24:37.420 neither. And that just makes you a bitch. He 00:24:37.420 --> 00:24:39.640 tries to be a friend, comes off as someone who's 00:24:39.640 --> 00:24:41.480 looking out for you, someone who doesn't want 00:24:41.480 --> 00:24:43.500 to compete with you, all the while trying to 00:24:43.500 --> 00:24:45.740 compete with you and then sneak dissing you on 00:24:45.740 --> 00:24:48.700 his records or alluding to some shit, only to, 00:24:48.819 --> 00:24:51.519 in interviews, pretend like you don't actually 00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:53.079 have an issue with them and that you're actually 00:24:53.079 --> 00:24:55.700 looking out for them. That's some bitch shit. 00:24:55.839 --> 00:24:58.640 That's some non -confrontational, nice guy bitch 00:24:58.640 --> 00:25:01.819 shit. When I heard a song, Port Antonio, after 00:25:01.819 --> 00:25:06.009 all the battle between Drake and Kendrick, All 00:25:06.009 --> 00:25:07.990 I could think was, geez, this guy's delusional. 00:25:08.190 --> 00:25:10.450 He's trying to rewrite history to fit a narrative 00:25:10.450 --> 00:25:13.490 that makes him look better, implying that he's 00:25:13.490 --> 00:25:16.130 still great when he's the bitch that decided 00:25:16.130 --> 00:25:19.569 to step out of the ring when push came to shove 00:25:19.569 --> 00:25:21.089 and he had to actually put his money where his 00:25:21.089 --> 00:25:23.730 mouth was. Instead of just admitting reality, 00:25:24.069 --> 00:25:27.390 that's all he has to do. All he has to do for 00:25:27.390 --> 00:25:30.789 me to think that he's less of a bitch is just 00:25:30.789 --> 00:25:33.890 for him to be honest and admit reality, which 00:25:33.890 --> 00:25:37.769 is... He thought he was the best, but he's not 00:25:37.769 --> 00:25:41.250 built for this shit, and so he bowed out. Right? 00:25:41.589 --> 00:25:43.710 That's all you have to do. Stop acting tough 00:25:43.710 --> 00:25:45.410 on the mic. Stop talking about how you're the 00:25:45.410 --> 00:25:48.329 best, okay? You're not built like this. You're 00:25:48.329 --> 00:25:51.569 not the best MC. Just acknowledge it, okay? His 00:25:51.569 --> 00:25:53.750 recent, this is at the time of this podcast, 00:25:53.809 --> 00:25:55.650 right? His recent four -pack ass, this birthday 00:25:55.650 --> 00:25:58.450 blizzard of his freestyles, was just more of 00:25:58.450 --> 00:26:01.420 the same narrative -twisting lies. I won't listen 00:26:01.420 --> 00:26:03.980 to whatever the fall -off album is going to be 00:26:03.980 --> 00:26:06.059 because I'm guessing it's going to be more of 00:26:06.059 --> 00:26:08.880 the same bullshit. He needs to do some soul -searching 00:26:08.880 --> 00:26:11.160 and figure out who he is and start acknowledging 00:26:11.160 --> 00:26:15.039 his own feelings about shit instead of just constantly 00:26:15.039 --> 00:26:17.700 trying to confuse himself and others, switching 00:26:17.700 --> 00:26:20.460 back and forth between this false bravado and 00:26:20.460 --> 00:26:23.819 peacemaker, all brushed over with some faux -depth. 00:26:24.900 --> 00:26:27.559 Look, J. Cole, stop being a bitch. Just admit 00:26:27.559 --> 00:26:29.680 it to yourself. You're not the best MC. You never 00:26:29.680 --> 00:26:32.200 were. There was never a big three. It was always 00:26:32.200 --> 00:26:35.660 just big one, right? It was just K -dot. You're 00:26:35.660 --> 00:26:38.619 not deep or insightful, okay? Stop pretending 00:26:38.619 --> 00:26:42.119 to be, okay? Stop trying to create this image, 00:26:42.160 --> 00:26:44.359 craft this image of yourself in this way. Be 00:26:44.359 --> 00:26:46.880 okay with your place in hip -hop. You're a talented 00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:49.900 second -tier MC whose music is mostly mid, okay? 00:26:50.640 --> 00:26:54.819 That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Your 00:26:54.819 --> 00:26:57.180 insecurities show when you try to be something 00:26:57.180 --> 00:26:59.720 that you're not. You're not fooling anyone. And 00:26:59.720 --> 00:27:01.700 the longer you're in denial, the more you come 00:27:01.700 --> 00:27:05.339 off as a bitch. All right? I'm doing this because 00:27:05.339 --> 00:27:07.420 I care for you, J. Cole. Stop being a bitch. 00:27:07.619 --> 00:27:12.720 All right? Look, I've been talking a lot about 00:27:12.720 --> 00:27:15.660 the nice guy not bringing up issues, being non 00:27:15.660 --> 00:27:18.099 -confrontational. But look, there's actually 00:27:18.099 --> 00:27:21.950 two sides to this coin. Okay? If being a man 00:27:21.950 --> 00:27:24.049 involves directly addressing issues with another 00:27:24.049 --> 00:27:27.789 person, it also means that being a man means 00:27:27.789 --> 00:27:31.150 that you can hear someone who brings up issues 00:27:31.150 --> 00:27:34.269 directly with you. Remember what I said before? 00:27:34.410 --> 00:27:36.529 I imagine there's a reason that people have a 00:27:36.529 --> 00:27:38.750 hard time being directly confrontational. They 00:27:38.750 --> 00:27:40.910 might not have had good experience with it. It's 00:27:40.910 --> 00:27:42.890 not an easy thing to do. It's not an easy thing 00:27:42.890 --> 00:27:45.769 to do to bring up confrontation, but it's also 00:27:45.769 --> 00:27:50.039 not easy to hear it. It's both. It's the speaker 00:27:50.039 --> 00:27:52.200 and the listener, right? If you've ever done 00:27:52.200 --> 00:27:53.920 any of this couple therapy stuff where you have 00:27:53.920 --> 00:27:56.980 to learn how to have hard conversations about 00:27:56.980 --> 00:28:00.279 stuff, right, about real feelings. Look, I didn't 00:28:00.279 --> 00:28:03.180 realize myself just how defensive I would get 00:28:03.180 --> 00:28:05.380 until I really worked on myself through years 00:28:05.380 --> 00:28:08.380 of therapy. But after having gone through it, 00:28:08.420 --> 00:28:11.779 I see it a lot more clearly. Just how often I 00:28:11.779 --> 00:28:16.579 and other people try to have a hard time dealing 00:28:16.579 --> 00:28:19.670 with other people, coming at you with direct 00:28:19.670 --> 00:28:22.569 confrontation. And I'll admit it, there were 00:28:22.569 --> 00:28:24.210 many times where I was being a bitch about it. 00:28:24.250 --> 00:28:26.250 I was deflecting, denying, defending. I think 00:28:26.250 --> 00:28:28.950 I've talked about this already, how often I have 00:28:28.950 --> 00:28:36.529 done this. Right? Look, it's hard to hear somebody 00:28:36.529 --> 00:28:39.569 bring up issues with me because we get wrapped 00:28:39.569 --> 00:28:44.269 around our own image of ourselves. Okay? I'll 00:28:44.269 --> 00:28:47.849 at least share... you know, some of what went 00:28:47.849 --> 00:28:50.549 on with me. Maybe some of it will resonate with 00:28:50.549 --> 00:28:54.509 you. This is like a pretty common thing when 00:28:54.509 --> 00:28:58.210 I was married. Suppose I forgot to fix some hole 00:28:58.210 --> 00:29:00.049 in the wall, let's say, right? There's something 00:29:00.049 --> 00:29:01.410 that I said that I was going to take care of. 00:29:01.450 --> 00:29:03.150 I said to my partner that I would fix it this 00:29:03.150 --> 00:29:06.089 week. It's now been two weeks. She points out, 00:29:06.190 --> 00:29:08.549 hey, you didn't fix a hole that you said you 00:29:08.549 --> 00:29:12.250 were going to fix. And my response was not, oh, 00:29:12.410 --> 00:29:15.700 shoot, you're right. I did say that and I didn't 00:29:15.700 --> 00:29:18.319 do it. I forgot. That was my mistake. I dropped 00:29:18.319 --> 00:29:21.400 the ball on it. I'll get on it right away today 00:29:21.400 --> 00:29:23.779 and I'll try to go ahead and fix it. I'm sorry 00:29:23.779 --> 00:29:26.259 for that. Okay. No, no, no. That wasn't my response. 00:29:26.339 --> 00:29:27.660 That would have been like a healthy response, 00:29:27.859 --> 00:29:30.319 right? That would be somebody who was able to 00:29:30.319 --> 00:29:33.819 hear another person bring up. something that, 00:29:33.819 --> 00:29:35.880 I mean, it seems like fairly low stakes, but, 00:29:35.880 --> 00:29:38.460 you know, oftentimes arguments start off this 00:29:38.460 --> 00:29:41.140 way, right? So, no, that wasn't my response. 00:29:41.220 --> 00:29:42.859 No, it wasn't a healthy response. My response 00:29:42.859 --> 00:29:45.079 was more like, get off my case. I've been busy. 00:29:45.259 --> 00:29:46.980 I'll get to it later. Just don't worry about 00:29:46.980 --> 00:29:50.460 it, okay? Why was my response to get so defensive? 00:29:50.839 --> 00:29:52.839 Well, it's because I personally pride myself 00:29:52.839 --> 00:29:55.900 in being somebody reliable. I wanted to believe 00:29:55.900 --> 00:29:59.279 that people can rely on me. So if I drop the 00:29:59.279 --> 00:30:01.140 ball on something, then it means that I am not 00:30:01.140 --> 00:30:02.819 a reliable person. At least that's what's going 00:30:02.819 --> 00:30:06.099 on in my head. I dropped the ball. Someone else 00:30:06.099 --> 00:30:08.819 points it out. They confront me on it. It doesn't 00:30:08.819 --> 00:30:11.299 feel good. It's now a threat to this worldview 00:30:11.299 --> 00:30:13.599 that I have or this view that I have of myself 00:30:13.599 --> 00:30:18.980 as somebody that's reliable. I see what she's 00:30:18.980 --> 00:30:21.980 saying to me as nothing more than that, as a 00:30:21.980 --> 00:30:26.119 threat. I don't hear it. for whatever it is that 00:30:26.119 --> 00:30:29.059 she's expressing about her feelings or as an 00:30:29.059 --> 00:30:32.279 acknowledgement of holding me accountable for 00:30:32.279 --> 00:30:34.640 some shit that I said I was going to do, right? 00:30:35.339 --> 00:30:37.079 I just saw it as nothing more than a threat. 00:30:37.180 --> 00:30:39.220 So what do you do when you feel threatened? You 00:30:39.220 --> 00:30:41.039 defend yourself. And that's exactly what I did. 00:30:41.299 --> 00:30:43.880 It's not me who screwed up. No, you're just being 00:30:43.880 --> 00:30:46.400 picky and demanding. You need to relax. You need 00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:47.980 to not worry about it. You need to get off my 00:30:47.980 --> 00:30:51.869 case. That's what it becomes. If we actually 00:30:51.869 --> 00:30:54.410 recorded the interaction, like if you had a video 00:30:54.410 --> 00:30:56.309 camera of the interaction, you'll probably see 00:30:56.309 --> 00:30:59.329 that my partner, knowing her usually when she's 00:30:59.329 --> 00:31:00.990 bringing this kind of stuff up, because she gets 00:31:00.990 --> 00:31:03.029 very anxious about it because she hasn't had 00:31:03.029 --> 00:31:04.710 a good experience with the way that I respond, 00:31:04.869 --> 00:31:07.569 probably was just saying this to me in a deadpan 00:31:07.569 --> 00:31:11.069 matter -of -fact statement with zero emotions 00:31:11.069 --> 00:31:13.089 on her face, right? But then I probably felt 00:31:13.089 --> 00:31:14.869 threatened. That's probably what the video would 00:31:14.869 --> 00:31:18.630 show, knowing myself better now, right? That's 00:31:18.630 --> 00:31:20.460 probably what the video would show. I'd even 00:31:20.460 --> 00:31:23.220 bet on it, right? So instead of addressing what 00:31:23.220 --> 00:31:25.680 she said, I got defensive and angry and with 00:31:25.680 --> 00:31:27.559 all the body language that goes with it. And 00:31:27.559 --> 00:31:30.039 of course, when I respond in this way, my partner 00:31:30.039 --> 00:31:33.039 now gets defensive as well or feels threatened 00:31:33.039 --> 00:31:36.420 or feels attacked or feels wronged. And then 00:31:36.420 --> 00:31:38.339 now it becomes a whole thing, becomes a bigger 00:31:38.339 --> 00:31:41.140 argument. It escalates, snowballs, yada, yada. 00:31:41.240 --> 00:31:43.700 Anybody who's been in a real relationship will 00:31:43.700 --> 00:31:44.839 know exactly what I'm talking about. This is 00:31:44.839 --> 00:31:49.160 a pretty common type of fight that kind of unfolds, 00:31:49.160 --> 00:31:53.660 right? So you would understand then, if I'm responding 00:31:53.660 --> 00:31:56.099 in this way, why she might be a bit more hesitant 00:31:56.099 --> 00:31:58.900 to bring things up with me directly. Because 00:31:58.900 --> 00:32:03.220 look, she could be confrontational, direct, address 00:32:03.220 --> 00:32:07.099 things directly with me, but if I am not a good 00:32:07.099 --> 00:32:10.019 listener here and I'm reacting all defensively, 00:32:10.019 --> 00:32:15.259 then she would have reason to hesitate bringing 00:32:15.259 --> 00:32:18.380 things up with me. Does that make sense? So one 00:32:18.380 --> 00:32:21.299 of the things that I had to work on was being 00:32:21.299 --> 00:32:25.220 better about actually listening. If I tell you, 00:32:25.279 --> 00:32:27.440 look, hey, I want you to confront me directly. 00:32:28.079 --> 00:32:30.700 I want you to tell me what's up so that we could 00:32:30.700 --> 00:32:33.839 address it. I need to also make sure on my part 00:32:33.839 --> 00:32:36.960 that I am the kind of person who can actually 00:32:36.960 --> 00:32:39.680 hear out what you're saying. And that means that 00:32:39.680 --> 00:32:41.480 I'm not getting defensive. I'm not attacking 00:32:41.480 --> 00:32:43.799 you for bringing things up. You can bring up 00:32:43.799 --> 00:32:46.700 something and confront me directly. and I will 00:32:46.700 --> 00:32:49.000 actually address whatever it is that you're bringing 00:32:49.000 --> 00:32:53.160 up, all right? Without judgment, without reacting, 00:32:53.240 --> 00:32:55.180 but actually addressing the thing that you're 00:32:55.180 --> 00:32:57.440 bringing up, okay? I'm trying to point out that, 00:32:57.500 --> 00:32:59.559 look, no matter how carefully and thoughtfully 00:32:59.559 --> 00:33:02.259 someone comes to you with an issue that needs 00:33:02.259 --> 00:33:04.039 to be addressed, right? If you don't hear it 00:33:04.039 --> 00:33:06.900 well, then they will have good reason to not 00:33:06.900 --> 00:33:08.880 come to you with these issues in the future. 00:33:09.339 --> 00:33:13.380 My getting defensive had nothing to do with how 00:33:13.380 --> 00:33:15.660 my partner phrased the statement or what body 00:33:15.660 --> 00:33:18.200 language she displayed. My reaction was all internal 00:33:18.200 --> 00:33:20.980 to me. It was said more about me and the way 00:33:20.980 --> 00:33:24.119 I took in the world because I didn't want to 00:33:24.119 --> 00:33:27.349 acknowledge certain things about myself. until 00:33:27.349 --> 00:33:30.509 i learned to be better about acknowledging and 00:33:30.509 --> 00:33:32.990 getting a good sense of how i'm reacting and 00:33:32.990 --> 00:33:34.990 how that contributed to the snowballing arguments 00:33:34.990 --> 00:33:38.190 this communication 101 stuff right like i needed 00:33:38.190 --> 00:33:42.410 to learn to be a better listener right so yeah 00:33:42.410 --> 00:33:45.430 the speaker needs to speak clearly directly without 00:33:45.430 --> 00:33:47.710 some unwarranted accusations, right? Like you 00:33:47.710 --> 00:33:50.609 need to know how to confront well, but you also 00:33:50.609 --> 00:33:52.670 need to know how to hear the confrontation well. 00:33:53.049 --> 00:33:55.509 And once you're far away for you to know whether 00:33:55.509 --> 00:33:57.130 or not you're the kind of person that people 00:33:57.130 --> 00:34:01.309 feel comfortable, you know, confronting, is do 00:34:01.309 --> 00:34:03.690 they actually confront other people but not you? 00:34:04.509 --> 00:34:06.509 That says a lot. That means that it's not about 00:34:06.509 --> 00:34:08.010 them because they're able to confront people 00:34:08.010 --> 00:34:11.199 just fine. But for some reason, they have an 00:34:11.199 --> 00:34:14.179 issue confronting you specifically, which says 00:34:14.179 --> 00:34:16.139 there might be something about you. I mean, it's 00:34:16.139 --> 00:34:17.980 not a guarantee, but it might be that there's 00:34:17.980 --> 00:34:19.340 something about the way that you're responding 00:34:19.340 --> 00:34:21.719 that makes other people hesitant to confront 00:34:21.719 --> 00:34:26.239 you directly. And look, this is a skill that 00:34:26.239 --> 00:34:29.099 you can work on. This is what's great about it, 00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:31.300 right? This is just like a... basic skill set 00:34:31.300 --> 00:34:34.119 that you can work on and be better about through 00:34:34.119 --> 00:34:37.000 practice. You can start with like low stake sort 00:34:37.000 --> 00:34:38.960 of confrontations and then work your way up to 00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:41.260 more difficult conversations. I'm guessing it 00:34:41.260 --> 00:34:43.320 gets harder when there's more at stake, in which 00:34:43.320 --> 00:34:45.460 case I think those are the kind of places where 00:34:45.460 --> 00:34:48.440 it helps to do a lot of therapy and to get a 00:34:48.440 --> 00:34:50.360 better grasp of your own feelings and your trigger 00:34:50.360 --> 00:34:53.260 points and to like learn how to manage your own 00:34:53.260 --> 00:34:56.380 reactions. It takes dedication. It takes time. 00:34:56.480 --> 00:34:58.320 It takes a little know -how. It takes a little 00:34:58.320 --> 00:35:00.880 research in figuring out what the best way to 00:35:00.880 --> 00:35:04.260 do this is. But it's doable. It's a skill set 00:35:04.260 --> 00:35:08.139 you could develop like anyone else, right? Children 00:35:08.139 --> 00:35:09.900 need to learn how to do this kind of stuff, right? 00:35:09.960 --> 00:35:13.139 And adults need to model it for them. So adults 00:35:13.139 --> 00:35:16.610 work on it, right? Model it for them. Model it 00:35:16.610 --> 00:35:19.010 in your conversations with other people. I mean, 00:35:19.050 --> 00:35:21.809 my kid, honestly, it's kind of odd, but I remember 00:35:21.809 --> 00:35:24.510 in Fathom the Gatherings, a lot of times I would 00:35:24.510 --> 00:35:27.150 just openly confront some of the false things 00:35:27.150 --> 00:35:30.210 that my parents would say sometimes. And I was 00:35:30.210 --> 00:35:34.309 surprised because my kid would listen in on the 00:35:34.309 --> 00:35:36.010 conversation old enough now to understand some 00:35:36.010 --> 00:35:38.570 of what's going on. And she just enjoys the conversation. 00:35:38.650 --> 00:35:41.190 I'm like, why do you enjoy it? We would have 00:35:41.190 --> 00:35:43.519 these conversations afterwards. I really like 00:35:43.519 --> 00:35:45.800 hearing you talk about these things, right? And 00:35:45.800 --> 00:35:49.000 it's like, why is that? Because for her, this 00:35:49.000 --> 00:35:51.780 was like a modeling of talking and talking through 00:35:51.780 --> 00:35:55.719 disagreements, but in a way that wasn't like 00:35:55.719 --> 00:35:58.880 threatening, right? People weren't throwing stuff 00:35:58.880 --> 00:36:00.760 at each other. They weren't yelling at each other, 00:36:00.800 --> 00:36:02.599 right? Like it was just like a normal conversation, 00:36:02.639 --> 00:36:06.440 but it was working through a kind of disagreement. 00:36:06.500 --> 00:36:09.960 For her, it was a modeling of how to resolve 00:36:09.960 --> 00:36:14.559 conflict. in a way where you didn't have to go, 00:36:14.699 --> 00:36:17.739 you know, full -blown war mode, and there was 00:36:17.739 --> 00:36:20.219 a genuine, the case where there could be genuine 00:36:20.219 --> 00:36:25.239 resolutions, right? And that's what children 00:36:25.239 --> 00:36:27.019 need, because again, children aren't going to 00:36:27.019 --> 00:36:28.400 learn from nothing, they're going to learn from 00:36:28.400 --> 00:36:30.099 something, and they're going to learn primarily 00:36:30.099 --> 00:36:33.559 from observing what adults do. You need to be 00:36:33.559 --> 00:36:35.199 better about it, right? Like, that's the only 00:36:35.199 --> 00:36:38.679 way. Now, I myself am not perfect at it, I still 00:36:38.679 --> 00:36:41.630 make a lot of mistakes, right? But again, What 00:36:41.630 --> 00:36:44.190 makes you less of a bitch is not not making mistakes. 00:36:44.309 --> 00:36:47.690 It's actually just learning to acknowledge when 00:36:47.690 --> 00:36:49.710 the mistakes happen and then just work to be 00:36:49.710 --> 00:36:53.309 better about it. That's it. That's it. Look, 00:36:53.389 --> 00:36:55.929 the primary point is this. Conflict, disagreements, 00:36:55.929 --> 00:36:58.389 these are all normal part of human lives, normal 00:36:58.389 --> 00:37:01.250 part of relationships. Relationships aren't really 00:37:01.250 --> 00:37:04.329 real unless there's some conflict because people 00:37:04.329 --> 00:37:07.030 being honest will inevitably lead to some areas 00:37:07.030 --> 00:37:11.449 of tension. Okay? No two person is alike. except 00:37:11.449 --> 00:37:13.690 maybe twins, maybe, I don't know. Actually, even 00:37:13.690 --> 00:37:15.110 there, there's probably some tension, right? 00:37:16.030 --> 00:37:18.570 Part of what makes nice guys so appealing is 00:37:18.570 --> 00:37:21.969 that, you know, when you're nice and not in conflict 00:37:21.969 --> 00:37:24.829 with each other, it's to some degree easy, okay? 00:37:26.349 --> 00:37:29.070 And I think that a lot of people try to take 00:37:29.070 --> 00:37:31.389 the easy way out. Conflicts aren't fun. They 00:37:31.389 --> 00:37:34.590 aren't comfortable. They never are, right? I 00:37:34.590 --> 00:37:37.010 still get anxious when I have to confront somebody. 00:37:37.250 --> 00:37:39.349 I do it because I feel like I should, and that's 00:37:39.349 --> 00:37:42.039 a better way to go. But I don't feel good about 00:37:42.039 --> 00:37:44.960 it necessarily. And if it's more at stake, then 00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:47.539 it becomes a lot more tense and harder to do. 00:37:47.639 --> 00:37:51.099 It causes a lot more anxiety for me. But at the 00:37:51.099 --> 00:37:53.760 same time, look, nice guys will also feel fake 00:37:53.760 --> 00:37:56.539 because somewhere deep down inside, you're realizing 00:37:56.539 --> 00:37:59.199 that there's no way a person can be perfectly 00:37:59.199 --> 00:38:00.980 aligned with you and be in agreement with you 00:38:00.980 --> 00:38:03.480 all the time. That's just, look, they're playing 00:38:03.480 --> 00:38:06.639 a part to maintain harmony. That's not necessarily 00:38:06.639 --> 00:38:08.840 a bad thing. As I've said, there's a virtue to 00:38:08.840 --> 00:38:11.739 letting some of these smaller things go. But 00:38:11.739 --> 00:38:16.119 the problem is when you're trying to just get 00:38:16.119 --> 00:38:20.300 along and that's all you do all the time, then 00:38:20.300 --> 00:38:23.840 you're not being authentic. You're being fake. 00:38:24.760 --> 00:38:27.719 And if you want a friend, why would you want 00:38:27.719 --> 00:38:30.880 to be friends with an image that this person 00:38:30.880 --> 00:38:33.139 has crafted for themselves? You want to be friends 00:38:33.139 --> 00:38:36.590 with the actual person. the real person, the 00:38:36.590 --> 00:38:40.090 good, the bad, the ugly. If you're dating something, 00:38:40.210 --> 00:38:42.889 same thing, right? Why would I want to date some 00:38:42.889 --> 00:38:45.949 social media image of a person? I want to date 00:38:45.949 --> 00:38:48.969 the real person. I would want a real relationship 00:38:48.969 --> 00:38:52.429 with real connections between two real people, 00:38:52.510 --> 00:38:57.530 something authentic, something real. Nice guys 00:38:57.530 --> 00:39:01.590 aren't that. They're not real. So stop viewing 00:39:01.590 --> 00:39:04.070 them as anything other than the bitch that they 00:39:04.070 --> 00:39:08.280 are. please, I beg of you, call them out on it. 00:39:08.659 --> 00:39:12.159 And don't encourage it. Don't go, aw, you're 00:39:12.159 --> 00:39:15.139 such a nice guy. Don't do that. And if you hear 00:39:15.139 --> 00:39:19.420 that, just hear it as, aw, you're a bitch. And 00:39:19.420 --> 00:39:22.599 respond accordingly, right? Work on yourself. 00:39:23.019 --> 00:39:26.760 Don't be a nice guy. Fake piece of shit. Don't 00:39:26.760 --> 00:39:30.480 be that person. Be better. You can do it. You 00:39:30.480 --> 00:39:32.699 can do it. But you're going to have to first 00:39:32.699 --> 00:39:33.239 acknowledge that.