how men need to live in a community with others,
that we can't try to do everything ourselves,
and that trying to do everything ourselves is
probably a reflection of some insecure bitch
shit that you need to work on. But there are
many ways to be in community with others, and
I want to highlight something that I experience
sometimes in my life that is not only a pet peeve,
but also an example of some bitch shit, okay?
What I'm talking about is the non -confrontational
bitch, the quote -unquote peacemaker. That's
really a bitch in disguise. The quote unquote
nice guy. Okay. I'm just going to say it first
and unpack it as I go. The dude who doesn't come
to me directly with an issue that they have with
me, no matter how big or small, but tries to
pretend like everything's okay, is a top notch
grade A bitch. Come at me like a man. Okay. Let
me share a quick story. I am a fairly confrontational.
person, at least with men. I am less so with
women, but that was because I was a bitch and
projected my own uncertainties with regards to
how to talk to women and then projected it onto
them. Okay. I'm still trying to be less of a
bitch in that way. But with men, especially ones
that I'm close to, I don't hold back. That often
results in a lot of hurt feelings. I know I have
friends, good friends, that feel a certain way
about me, hurt by something I said, maybe resentful
of something I did. And they never said a thing
to me. Now, I read body language all the time.
I am hypersensitive to that shit. Since I grew
up as a pastor's kid, you kind of always had
to have your guard up, especially with people
that attended my dad's church. I know without
a shadow of a doubt that I have friends that
feel this way about me, but haven't said anything.
I have even welcomed them, to be honest with
me, said that... Just told them straight up,
like, I know that you have some issue with me.
Just say it with your chest. Come at me. I have
no problem hearing it. I'm not going to be dismissive
of you. I want to hear what you have to say so
we can talk about it and just squash whatever
it is, right? But still nothing, okay? Here's
the thing. What happens when they don't confront
me directly? I'll tell you exactly what happens,
okay? It plays out more or less in a similar
fashion every time. Whatever they felt, it doesn't
go away. That anger, resentment, hurt, it just
all builds up. This is what I need men to understand.
Feelings do not go away because you wish them
to go away, okay? You can try to deny it all
you want, try to convince yourself that you're
quote unquote over it, but those feelings without
fail will linger until you address them. And
if you're not going to address it directly, then
those feelings just leak out in other ways. So
what do my friends do sometimes? Maybe they don't
invite me to something or attend something that
matters to me. Maybe they don't reach out to
show genuine care when I'm going through a hard
time. Maybe they talk shit behind my back. Maybe,
and I found this to be quite common among the
men that I know, they blow up on you. All that
pent -up anger explodes over some incident that
honestly isn't... doesn't call for that kind
of explosion because you know it's not about
that incident right there's all this other stuff
that's been brewing for a long time because they
never actually addressed whatever it is that
they were feeling every one of these responses
every single one that i just named right this
is all just some bitch shit okay all of these
are ways to avoid the heart of what you're feeling
and why if you have a problem with me you need
to talk to me about it and through some intermediary,
not through some passive -aggressive shit, not
through some other person. You need to come to
me as a fellow man and say shit to me straight
up, okay? Be a fucking grown man. All right?
Don't expect others to fight your battles for
you or for karma to come get me. Karma's not
going to come get me. No. If I did something
to hurt you, if I wronged you, you need to take
it up with me so that we can resolve it then
and there. Okay? Give me the chance to hear you
out. Give me the opportunity to apologize and
to rectify the wrong I did to you. It'll honestly
help you feel a lot better and you'll actually
feel like things are resolved. Don't be a bitch
and hide behind shit, okay? All right, this all
leads me to talk about what I really wanted to
talk about, which is the stereotypical nice guy.
Let's call the nice guy what they really are.
It's fake nice. You're not genuinely nice. You're
just a bitch that's too scared to engage in direct
confrontation. So you hide behind the facade
of someone who is nice so that you don't get
blowback. You don't seem like the unreasonable
or mean one, okay? you're trying to get people
on your side to comfort you to tell you how wonderful
you are how generous you are how understanding
you are how nice you are but what's really happening
is that you don't have the balls to say how you
really feel okay now if you're like this i don't
know exactly why you're this way Each person
goes on their own journey. So you need to figure
out for yourself exactly, you know, why it is
that you tend to be this way. Maybe you've gotten
in, you know, terrible responses when you try
to confront somebody directly, you know, then
find out, you know, like, you know, that you
are just not very good at, you know, addressing
these difficult conversations. We've all had
those experiences. Confrontation is not necessarily
easy, and doing it well requires skill, it requires
training, it requires experience, right? So then
find out how to bring up difficult conversations
and be better about it. You could do that by
seeing a therapist, by practicing with people
that are good at the kind of confrontation. It's
an actual skill set. You could practice it and
get better about it, right? I don't have the
solution for you specifically. All I know is
that avoiding it is going to make you more of
a bitch, okay? And as with all bitchiness, you
won't grow out of it without doing something
differently, okay? You need to change up the
way that you approach these sorts of conflicts,
okay? All right, does this mean that we need
to be confronting each other all the time over
everything? No, I think, look, I think there's
a virtue in letting things go. especially if
it really isn't that big of a deal. But just
make sure that when you say you let it go, you
actually let it go. A lot of people will say,
oh, I'm over it, I let it go. But then clearly
you're still bothered by it because you talk
about it, because you think about it, because
it still haunts you in some form or fashion.
Or it comes up again when there's another confrontation
that is very similar to that. There's a clear
way to tell if you actually let it go. You don't
think about it. You don't ruminate over it. You
don't bring it up. You don't get reminded or
triggered by something similar that happens,
right? You are genuinely over it. Like it's almost
like you completely forgot it even ever happened.
If it's something that continuously enters into
your mind, then you are not over it and you need
to address it. Clearly, it's weighing on you,
not me, on you. That's the opposite of letting
go. Letting things go feels like a load off your
shoulders. You aren't worried about it. You don't
think about it. You don't even have it on your
radar. You damn near forget. Like I said, you
forget that it even happened. If you're not at
peace, there's only way to address the problem,
and that's head on. Head on. That's it. If you
don't, then the problem just gets bigger and
bigger until it explodes and has some consequences
you're not going to like. Okay. I had to learn
this lesson over years of continuously making
the same mistake again and again in my marriage
and with my parents. Oh God, I blew up on my
parents so many times, right? I tried to pretend
that everything was okay. Tried to convince myself,
you know, that it was true that I had gotten
over it, that I'm not upset by something that
they tend to do. Okay. Maybe I even told myself
to be the bigger man. You need to let it go.
This is what, you know, this is what man does.
Okay. Except I can't just make my feelings go
the way I want, right? And this is just reality
of human life, right? You can't just make yourself
feel differently by telling yourself, I don't
get what cognitive behavioral therapy says, right?
You can't make yourself feel differently, okay?
Those little things will build up and it'll blow
up on you, right? It will just come out in some
form or fashion. It doesn't go away until you
at least do something to address those feelings.
And here's the thing, when it blows up, it damages
relationships that you care about in far deeper
and more harmful ways than you initially would
have thought it would, you know, harm your relationship,
right? So look, if you've experienced anything
like this before, you know exactly what I'm talking
about, right? You hold something against somebody,
you feel resentment, you feel anger, you feel
wronged. You never address it. So what ends up
happening? The next time something similar happens
in your brain, it's like, oh, it's just like
the last time that you did this shit, right?
It all comes up and it all comes up exponentially,
right? The feelings are even much more intense
because it's not just that one time. It's building
off of all these other times that you never really
addressed those similar feelings, right? Being
nice, that's why nice guys piss me off. Okay,
being nice isn't doing anyone any favors. All
you're doing is unilaterally deciding to prevent
the relationship from healing by sharing your
feelings. Because you're not sharing how you
feel, you don't give the other person a chance
to address those feelings. You don't allow for
the relationship to be healed. There's a fracture
in the relationship, and you just let that fracture
simmer and grow into something deeper and much
more painful. by not bringing shit up, you end
up ultimately hurting that relationship, okay?
You, the quote -unquote nice guy, you're doing
something fucked up to the relationship, okay?
This nice guy bitch shit is also true when we
talk about the nice guy in the dating context.
This is where I think I first heard about the
quote -unquote nice guy, right? I grew up a lot
with these types of guys. These are the guys
who've struggled to find a date, and then all
their friends talk about how they're such nice
guys, and that anyone would be lucky to date
them, yada, yada, yada. I think one time I heard
somebody describe me this way, and I got pissed
off. For the longest time, I couldn't figure
out exactly what it was, and I think I have a
lot more clarity. After years of therapy, I think
I have a lot more clarity on why the nice guy
pisses the fuck out of me. Some of these nice
guys would complain that girls only go for the
bad boys, right, instead of a nice guy. And so
they create this whole worldview that in dating,
you have to be mean or edgy to be attractive,
right? Like that's how you attract girls, okay?
Some of them end up being an asshole because
they think that this is the way to get girls.
But others continue on their path of being the
quote -unquote nice guy, okay? Okay, let me break
down what's actually happening, okay? So we're
going to unpack the nice guy bullshit, and we're
going to expose them for the bitch that they
are, okay? When we call a guy a nice guy, what
are we really saying? What we're really saying
is that they act nice. I can't stress this enough.
They're acting nice. Their behavior fits in with
someone who is genuinely nice. Okay? To some
degree, this person might genuinely be nice.
But the nice guy persona is just that. It's a
persona. It's a facade. It's fake. Why? Because
no one is like this. all the fucking time. If
you're nice all the time, it's a red flag for
me because it means that you're fake as fuck,
okay? You can't be nice all the time. Friction,
conflict, disagreements, these are all normal
parts of human relationships. All completely
normal, okay? Feelings that come with them, anger,
resentment, hurt, frustration, these are all
normal too. Okay, so why the hell would I believe
a person to be genuine if they don't ever express
the range of normal fucking human emotions? I
wouldn't be surprised if people don't want to
date the nice guy because they find something
off about the nice guy. They can't put their
finger on it, but something about them feels
off. I'm going to tell you exactly what feels
off, okay? I think people have good intuitions
about this kind of stuff. They just don't know,
may not have the exact words. I'm going to do
it for you, okay? you're probably thinking that
this person is fake as fuck. That when you talk
to them, you don't feel any real connection because
they're presenting you with an image of who they,
you know, an image of who they maybe want to
present themselves to be, not who they really
are. They feel bland because they feel like someone
who was AI generated by an amalgamation of nice
guy memes or something like that. They don't
feel real. And in a game of attraction, like
real attraction, authenticity is key, okay? Nothing
beats authenticity. Nice guys don't feel authentic.
And there's a reason they don't feel authentic
because no one is nice and agreeable about every
fucking thing. That's not a normal human, okay?
That's robot. That's fake shit, okay? Here's
something else about this nice guy. This nice
guy tends to be non -confrontational and, more
generally, fairly risk -averse, specifically
to protect themselves. That's why they're non
-confrontational. That's why they're risk -averse.
It comes down to this inability to, you know,
be direct with people because doing so means
that you put yourself out there, you put yourself
at risk, okay? Let me give you an example, right?
Like, look, if you have a romantic interest,
okay? And you're not able to be open about your
genuine romantic interest in that person, your
attraction to them and your intentions. The fact
that you can't be direct with them. Why is that?
My guess is you're scared little bitch. That's
what it is. You're a coward. You don't want to
acknowledge, put it out there, say it out loud
that you like the person because then you could
officially be rejected. Whereas if you play the
nice guy and then just be friends with them and
then you kind of just let things happen, then
you can try to test out the waters without actually
taking the risk of putting your feelings out
there. I've never heard anyone describe a guy
who goes up to someone they like and just say,
hey, I like you and want to take you out on a
date, okay? I'm sorry, I'm talking about a nice
guy here, right? I never heard anyone describe
a nice guy as someone who does something like
this. No, the nice guy sits back and plays the
friend role, covertly gets close to someone,
and tries to imply their attraction by being
around to listen and help. This implicit shit
is bitch shit. It's cowardly. It's the, I want
to ask you out, but I'm afraid of rejection,
so I won't explicitly ask you out. Because doing
that will mean I might actually get officially
rejected. So what I'm going to do is I'm going
to find the workaround. I know this. I know that
nice guys do this kind of shit. Because I used
to do some of this shit. I told you. I had a
lot of bitch in me. I needed to work through
this stuff. If you want to know who can identify
bitches really well, it's the ones that are recovering
bitches, right? It's like Alcoholics Anonymous,
right? The ones that are going through the 12
-step program and learning not to be a bitch,
right? Those are the ones who's like, I've been
there. I've had to acknowledge it. You see it
a little bit more clearly, right? This is not
being a real nice guy, right? This is being a
coward. That's what this is, right? Let's call
it what it is, okay? You're not fooling me. You're
not fooling me because I know exactly what you're
doing. It's some bitch shit. We need to call
it out for what it is. If you really genuinely
were somebody that actually wasn't cowardly and
was able to stand on your shit, you would just
be able to take that risk and to put your feelings
out there and be okay and learn to deal with
rejection like a normal fucking human being.
Jeez Christ. One more thing. This nice guy role
also comes with something dark and disgusting.
This is the misogynist side of the nice guy.
I'm pretty sure there's probably feminists who
have pointed this out. I am completely on board
with their assessment. The nice guy is a complete
bitch and a covert misogynist piece of shit asshole.
And we need to call it out because I need people
to see exactly what's happening and to not support
this shit. Nice guys sometimes feel like they're
owed something because they are nice. That's
the most disgusting shit I've ever heard of in
my life. Nice guys feel like they are owed something
because they are nice. The underlying attitude
is something like this. I am nice, so I deserve
to have someone insert the name of somebody that
they want to be, whatever their romantic interest
is. This sense that you deserve anything because
you're nice is gross, nasty shit. First off,
the fact that you even think this. The fact that
you even think this makes me believe you're not
really nice, but you're using the niceness or
the act of it as a way to gain, to earn affection,
okay? A real nice person wouldn't be nice with
expectations of something in return. That's like
a billionaire claiming they're generous because
they donate a bunch of money to charity with
the expectation that they get their name plastered
all over a bunch of awards and shit. You're not
genuinely generous if you're giving to charity
with the expectation of recognition and acknowledgement.
That's fake shit. That's fake generosity. But
also, the attitude that you deserve a partner
because you're nice. That turns the partner,
the object of your affection, into nothing more
than an object. That's really all it is. You're
basically saying that they can't have their own
feelings and thoughts and attitudes about you,
but rather they are obligated to like you for
your being nice to them. What kind of manipulative
bullshit is that? Love and affection isn't earned
in this way, okay? It's not deserved by your
working really hard, okay? I'm sorry, but there's
no way to make someone like you. Either they
do or they don't, okay? That's just not how attraction
works. Here's what you can do. You can be more
authentic and work on being the best version
of yourself. You can put yourself out there,
try to meet different people. And I'm fairly
sure that if you're engaging with people with
similar interests, similar backgrounds, similar
values, You put yourself out there and you're
being genuine and authentic in the circles where
people have common interests with you. I am sure
you'll find someone who likes you for who you
are. Why do I believe that? I firmly believe
that authenticity is attractive. Because authenticity
leads to real meaningful human connections. The
ones that are needed to hold down real relationships.
But if you don't do that... You're not going
to find somebody who actually likes you. They're
going to like whatever facade you put on, okay?
That's what the nice guy thing is, right? It's
an act. It's a bullshit act, okay? You're not
really nice. Stop lying to other people and stop
lying to yourself. You're not really nice. If
you call yourself the nice guy, that's surefire
where for me to know you're a bitch. You're not
a nice guy. You're a bitch. That's what you are,
okay? Stop faking it. Just be real. Be honest.
Sometimes you don't like what the other person
is doing. You don't need to constantly do shit
in order to gain approval. That's manipulative
bullshit, okay? I am not having any of that.
Look, I'm not going to miss my words. If you
encourage this sort of nice guy persona, you're
clearly not seeing this person for the bitch
he is. Stop enabling this shit. Hit them with
facts. Confront them on the real feelings that
are driving themselves to present themselves
as a nice guy. As I've been saying, I think there's
a lot of bitches that aren't being called out
for being the bitches that they are. We use other
words that mask what's going on underneath, and
so boys think it's okay to be this way and just
never grow up. We don't give them an example
of how to discern between the bitches and the
non -bitches. You know who's a prime example
of this kind of nice guy persona? Look, I'm going
to call it out so that we all are on the same
page about this. Drake is this nice guy persona,
at least in his early years. Later on, he delved
into something darker. But I remember in his
early days, this is back with his take care era.
He acts all nice and buddy -buddy in front of
people and then sneak disses them on records
like the prime bitch that he is, okay? He does
this with women on his albums, right? He says
one thing and then he sneakily says a bunch of
other shit that is insulting. Clearly, he has
some feelings. No other prime example than the
way that he comes at Rihanna, which I don't know
what the fuck that's about. Whatever that is,
that's some bitch shit is what that is, right?
Look, there are many guys that look up to Drake,
which I don't get, okay? I saw him for the bitch
he was way back when. We're talking like over
a decade ago. This was a long time ago. This
has been a long time in the making, okay? But
I never could understand how other people couldn't
see that he was such a bitch. Well, I'm going
to try to call it out exactly for what it is
and then try to explain exactly why. He tries
to act nice. when he clearly is just a non -confrontational
bitch that is too scared to actually say what's
on his mind and actually acknowledge his own
feelings towards people. Okay? No, look, we need
to call this out. If you're not sure you encountered
a bitch of this kind, right, I'll give you at
least one blueprint for identifying them pretty
easily. Ask yourself, do other people describe
this guy as a nice guy? Instant bitch. See how
easy that is? Doesn't take much work, right?
Other people describe this person as a quote
-unquote nice guy. Oh, let me introduce you to
this nice guy that I know. Okay. Instantly, you
know, I'm not taking that date. That's a bitch
right there, okay? You know who else is this
kind of a bitch? I didn't realize it just because
I didn't pay attention because I didn't like
his music all that much, but Drake's little buddy,
J. Cole. J. Cole might be an even bigger bitch
than Drake. which honestly like it boggles my
mind because i didn't know if that was possible
but j cole's an even bigger bitch all right trying
to play peacemaker when he clearly feels a certain
way about the same people that he's trying to
be all peaceful with okay this faux depth that
he tries to present that's some bitch ass shit
okay stand on what you say or don't stand on
it at all right If you think that you're the
best, stand on it. If you're going to be competitive
about it, be competitive about it. Don't go back
and forth. You're confusing as fuck because it
seems like you don't even know who you are. You're
wanting your cake and eat it too, but you're
neither. And that just makes you a bitch. He
tries to be a friend, comes off as someone who's
looking out for you, someone who doesn't want
to compete with you, all the while trying to
compete with you and then sneak dissing you on
his records or alluding to some shit, only to,
in interviews, pretend like you don't actually
have an issue with them and that you're actually
looking out for them. That's some bitch shit.
That's some non -confrontational, nice guy bitch
shit. When I heard a song, Port Antonio, after
all the battle between Drake and Kendrick, All
I could think was, geez, this guy's delusional.
He's trying to rewrite history to fit a narrative
that makes him look better, implying that he's
still great when he's the bitch that decided
to step out of the ring when push came to shove
and he had to actually put his money where his
mouth was. Instead of just admitting reality,
that's all he has to do. All he has to do for
me to think that he's less of a bitch is just
for him to be honest and admit reality, which
is... He thought he was the best, but he's not
built for this shit, and so he bowed out. Right?
That's all you have to do. Stop acting tough
on the mic. Stop talking about how you're the
best, okay? You're not built like this. You're
not the best MC. Just acknowledge it, okay? His
recent, this is at the time of this podcast,
right? His recent four -pack ass, this birthday
blizzard of his freestyles, was just more of
the same narrative -twisting lies. I won't listen
to whatever the fall -off album is going to be
because I'm guessing it's going to be more of
the same bullshit. He needs to do some soul -searching
and figure out who he is and start acknowledging
his own feelings about shit instead of just constantly
trying to confuse himself and others, switching
back and forth between this false bravado and
peacemaker, all brushed over with some faux -depth.
Look, J. Cole, stop being a bitch. Just admit
it to yourself. You're not the best MC. You never
were. There was never a big three. It was always
just big one, right? It was just K -dot. You're
not deep or insightful, okay? Stop pretending
to be, okay? Stop trying to create this image,
craft this image of yourself in this way. Be
okay with your place in hip -hop. You're a talented
second -tier MC whose music is mostly mid, okay?
That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Your
insecurities show when you try to be something
that you're not. You're not fooling anyone. And
the longer you're in denial, the more you come
off as a bitch. All right? I'm doing this because
I care for you, J. Cole. Stop being a bitch.
All right? Look, I've been talking a lot about
the nice guy not bringing up issues, being non
-confrontational. But look, there's actually
two sides to this coin. Okay? If being a man
involves directly addressing issues with another
person, it also means that being a man means
that you can hear someone who brings up issues
directly with you. Remember what I said before?
I imagine there's a reason that people have a
hard time being directly confrontational. They
might not have had good experience with it. It's
not an easy thing to do. It's not an easy thing
to do to bring up confrontation, but it's also
not easy to hear it. It's both. It's the speaker
and the listener, right? If you've ever done
any of this couple therapy stuff where you have
to learn how to have hard conversations about
stuff, right, about real feelings. Look, I didn't
realize myself just how defensive I would get
until I really worked on myself through years
of therapy. But after having gone through it,
I see it a lot more clearly. Just how often I
and other people try to have a hard time dealing
with other people, coming at you with direct
confrontation. And I'll admit it, there were
many times where I was being a bitch about it.
I was deflecting, denying, defending. I think
I've talked about this already, how often I have
done this. Right? Look, it's hard to hear somebody
bring up issues with me because we get wrapped
around our own image of ourselves. Okay? I'll
at least share... you know, some of what went
on with me. Maybe some of it will resonate with
you. This is like a pretty common thing when
I was married. Suppose I forgot to fix some hole
in the wall, let's say, right? There's something
that I said that I was going to take care of.
I said to my partner that I would fix it this
week. It's now been two weeks. She points out,
hey, you didn't fix a hole that you said you
were going to fix. And my response was not, oh,
shoot, you're right. I did say that and I didn't
do it. I forgot. That was my mistake. I dropped
the ball on it. I'll get on it right away today
and I'll try to go ahead and fix it. I'm sorry
for that. Okay. No, no, no. That wasn't my response.
That would have been like a healthy response,
right? That would be somebody who was able to
hear another person bring up. something that,
I mean, it seems like fairly low stakes, but,
you know, oftentimes arguments start off this
way, right? So, no, that wasn't my response.
No, it wasn't a healthy response. My response
was more like, get off my case. I've been busy.
I'll get to it later. Just don't worry about
it, okay? Why was my response to get so defensive?
Well, it's because I personally pride myself
in being somebody reliable. I wanted to believe
that people can rely on me. So if I drop the
ball on something, then it means that I am not
a reliable person. At least that's what's going
on in my head. I dropped the ball. Someone else
points it out. They confront me on it. It doesn't
feel good. It's now a threat to this worldview
that I have or this view that I have of myself
as somebody that's reliable. I see what she's
saying to me as nothing more than that, as a
threat. I don't hear it. for whatever it is that
she's expressing about her feelings or as an
acknowledgement of holding me accountable for
some shit that I said I was going to do, right?
I just saw it as nothing more than a threat.
So what do you do when you feel threatened? You
defend yourself. And that's exactly what I did.
It's not me who screwed up. No, you're just being
picky and demanding. You need to relax. You need
to not worry about it. You need to get off my
case. That's what it becomes. If we actually
recorded the interaction, like if you had a video
camera of the interaction, you'll probably see
that my partner, knowing her usually when she's
bringing this kind of stuff up, because she gets
very anxious about it because she hasn't had
a good experience with the way that I respond,
probably was just saying this to me in a deadpan
matter -of -fact statement with zero emotions
on her face, right? But then I probably felt
threatened. That's probably what the video would
show, knowing myself better now, right? That's
probably what the video would show. I'd even
bet on it, right? So instead of addressing what
she said, I got defensive and angry and with
all the body language that goes with it. And
of course, when I respond in this way, my partner
now gets defensive as well or feels threatened
or feels attacked or feels wronged. And then
now it becomes a whole thing, becomes a bigger
argument. It escalates, snowballs, yada, yada.
Anybody who's been in a real relationship will
know exactly what I'm talking about. This is
a pretty common type of fight that kind of unfolds,
right? So you would understand then, if I'm responding
in this way, why she might be a bit more hesitant
to bring things up with me directly. Because
look, she could be confrontational, direct, address
things directly with me, but if I am not a good
listener here and I'm reacting all defensively,
then she would have reason to hesitate bringing
things up with me. Does that make sense? So one
of the things that I had to work on was being
better about actually listening. If I tell you,
look, hey, I want you to confront me directly.
I want you to tell me what's up so that we could
address it. I need to also make sure on my part
that I am the kind of person who can actually
hear out what you're saying. And that means that
I'm not getting defensive. I'm not attacking
you for bringing things up. You can bring up
something and confront me directly. and I will
actually address whatever it is that you're bringing
up, all right? Without judgment, without reacting,
but actually addressing the thing that you're
bringing up, okay? I'm trying to point out that,
look, no matter how carefully and thoughtfully
someone comes to you with an issue that needs
to be addressed, right? If you don't hear it
well, then they will have good reason to not
come to you with these issues in the future.
My getting defensive had nothing to do with how
my partner phrased the statement or what body
language she displayed. My reaction was all internal
to me. It was said more about me and the way
I took in the world because I didn't want to
acknowledge certain things about myself. until
i learned to be better about acknowledging and
getting a good sense of how i'm reacting and
how that contributed to the snowballing arguments
this communication 101 stuff right like i needed
to learn to be a better listener right so yeah
the speaker needs to speak clearly directly without
some unwarranted accusations, right? Like you
need to know how to confront well, but you also
need to know how to hear the confrontation well.
And once you're far away for you to know whether
or not you're the kind of person that people
feel comfortable, you know, confronting, is do
they actually confront other people but not you?
That says a lot. That means that it's not about
them because they're able to confront people
just fine. But for some reason, they have an
issue confronting you specifically, which says
there might be something about you. I mean, it's
not a guarantee, but it might be that there's
something about the way that you're responding
that makes other people hesitant to confront
you directly. And look, this is a skill that
you can work on. This is what's great about it,
right? This is just like a... basic skill set
that you can work on and be better about through
practice. You can start with like low stake sort
of confrontations and then work your way up to
more difficult conversations. I'm guessing it
gets harder when there's more at stake, in which
case I think those are the kind of places where
it helps to do a lot of therapy and to get a
better grasp of your own feelings and your trigger
points and to like learn how to manage your own
reactions. It takes dedication. It takes time.
It takes a little know -how. It takes a little
research in figuring out what the best way to
do this is. But it's doable. It's a skill set
you could develop like anyone else, right? Children
need to learn how to do this kind of stuff, right?
And adults need to model it for them. So adults
work on it, right? Model it for them. Model it
in your conversations with other people. I mean,
my kid, honestly, it's kind of odd, but I remember
in Fathom the Gatherings, a lot of times I would
just openly confront some of the false things
that my parents would say sometimes. And I was
surprised because my kid would listen in on the
conversation old enough now to understand some
of what's going on. And she just enjoys the conversation.
I'm like, why do you enjoy it? We would have
these conversations afterwards. I really like
hearing you talk about these things, right? And
it's like, why is that? Because for her, this
was like a modeling of talking and talking through
disagreements, but in a way that wasn't like
threatening, right? People weren't throwing stuff
at each other. They weren't yelling at each other,
right? Like it was just like a normal conversation,
but it was working through a kind of disagreement.
For her, it was a modeling of how to resolve
conflict. in a way where you didn't have to go,
you know, full -blown war mode, and there was
a genuine, the case where there could be genuine
resolutions, right? And that's what children
need, because again, children aren't going to
learn from nothing, they're going to learn from
something, and they're going to learn primarily
from observing what adults do. You need to be
better about it, right? Like, that's the only
way. Now, I myself am not perfect at it, I still
make a lot of mistakes, right? But again, What
makes you less of a bitch is not not making mistakes.
It's actually just learning to acknowledge when
the mistakes happen and then just work to be
better about it. That's it. That's it. Look,
the primary point is this. Conflict, disagreements,
these are all normal part of human lives, normal
part of relationships. Relationships aren't really
real unless there's some conflict because people
being honest will inevitably lead to some areas
of tension. Okay? No two person is alike. except
maybe twins, maybe, I don't know. Actually, even
there, there's probably some tension, right?
Part of what makes nice guys so appealing is
that, you know, when you're nice and not in conflict
with each other, it's to some degree easy, okay?
And I think that a lot of people try to take
the easy way out. Conflicts aren't fun. They
aren't comfortable. They never are, right? I
still get anxious when I have to confront somebody.
I do it because I feel like I should, and that's
a better way to go. But I don't feel good about
it necessarily. And if it's more at stake, then
it becomes a lot more tense and harder to do.
It causes a lot more anxiety for me. But at the
same time, look, nice guys will also feel fake
because somewhere deep down inside, you're realizing
that there's no way a person can be perfectly
aligned with you and be in agreement with you
all the time. That's just, look, they're playing
a part to maintain harmony. That's not necessarily
a bad thing. As I've said, there's a virtue to
letting some of these smaller things go. But
the problem is when you're trying to just get
along and that's all you do all the time, then
you're not being authentic. You're being fake.
And if you want a friend, why would you want
to be friends with an image that this person
has crafted for themselves? You want to be friends
with the actual person. the real person, the
good, the bad, the ugly. If you're dating something,
same thing, right? Why would I want to date some
social media image of a person? I want to date
the real person. I would want a real relationship
with real connections between two real people,
something authentic, something real. Nice guys
aren't that. They're not real. So stop viewing
them as anything other than the bitch that they
are. please, I beg of you, call them out on it.
And don't encourage it. Don't go, aw, you're
such a nice guy. Don't do that. And if you hear
that, just hear it as, aw, you're a bitch. And
respond accordingly, right? Work on yourself.
Don't be a nice guy. Fake piece of shit. Don't
be that person. Be better. You can do it. You
can do it. But you're going to have to first
acknowledge that.