🎵 🎵 previous episode i talked about how turning
inward involves accepting and owning ourselves
right especially our decision making uh there
are two sides of this coin right we have the
power to make decisions and we have to accept
responsibility for the decisions that we make
right and i tried to stress the importance of
uh you know being able to be honest with our
insecurities so that they don't cloud us from
acknowledging our responsibility. So far, the
way that I've been talking about our self -worth,
about what it is to be a man, it sounds very
individualistic, as if the focus is solely on
me and my taking responsibility for myself and
then doing things that I need to do in order
to make sure that I am in the right space. But
the reality is that we are not individuals. We
are individuals living in a community. And there's
no denying it. Humans are born into a community,
raised by a community, and sent off into the
world by a community. There's just no exceptions.
There are no lone wolves. You are who you are
because of others who came before you, paved
the way for you, opened doors for you. And if
you don't see them, then you're not seeing what's
been there all along. And I'm stressing the importance
of acknowledging community because I keep hearing
men being down on themselves because they feel
individually like a failure. I've worked a lot
with students who, you know, I remember there
were times when in the summers when I would be
teaching these SAT classes and these, you know,
these boys would just feel so overwhelmed because
they're feeling a great deal of pressure from
their family, you know, doing well and getting
into a good college and yada yada. And there
were, it wasn't just once, multiple times I would
see them completely just break down at some point,
feel like a complete failure. It's a common experience,
not something that was. unusual is I actually
kind of expected it every summer that there at
least be some boys that was facing this kind
of pressure and just buckling under it, right?
And like I said, one of the issues that men have
these days is loneliness and depression, low
sense of worth, you know, just laundry list of
stuff, right? All of this really being a product
of not being, I think, connected to a larger
community that really supports them. But their
disconnect from the larger community isn't really
an accident. In the U .S. anyways, men perceive
their own value to be whatever they could do
for themselves, not what they accomplish alongside
others. If you ask me whether the male ego is
fragile on the whole, I'd say, hell yeah. But
I'd also say it's fragile because it's trying
to stand alone when humans were never designed
to stand alone. You are setting yourself up for
failure. That's essentially what you're doing
because you just can't make it through life on
your own. You can't accomplish big things on
your own. That's just not how life, that's just
not how humans work. I honestly don't know how
much of this idea that men should be able to
do things by themselves is something that is
taught to them. either explicitly or implicitly,
or just something that men just perceive as an
expectation of them when no one actually expects
that of them. You know, I often find that, and
this is again, like true for me, that sometimes
there's a gap between reality and my own perceptions,
right? So a lot of times I'll feel pressure when
nobody else is putting that pressure on me, right?
It's like I'm pushing, putting that pressure
on myself without realizing it. So I'm not sure
how much of this is real and perceived. I imagine
there's probably some blend of the two, and it
probably varies depending on who we're talking
about here, right? Maybe it's just based in something
that we all share, which is a desire to be of
value in some way. Like I said from the very
beginning of all this, this is a pretty natural
thing for people to want, to feel like they are
a contributor in some way. But it honestly doesn't
matter. Let the academics fight about why men
believe this to be true and what the sociological
reasons for it and all that is. What matters,
at least for our purposes, is addressing the
problem, which is that men believe it. That's
really the problem, is that men believe this.
They believe that they need to be able to stand
on their own. They need to be able to believe
that they need to make something of themselves.
They believe that they need something that they
can show to others. that has something that they
were able to do by themselves. And it's this
perspective that I think is putting a lot of
pressure on men to do something, to do so much
on their own. And again, in a strategy that I
think will always fail because we're just not
designed to be that. We're not designed to do
anything on our own. So for this episode, I want
to just sit back, reflect, and just think about
all the many ways that we are dependent on each
other. And that this dependence isn't a sign
of your failure, but rather a strength of the
human spirit. The most obvious place to start
is family. So when you're born, you are a fragile
little thing that cannot survive without someone
taking care of you. Can we all acknowledge that?
You didn't raise yourself when you were an infant.
If you've made it far enough to be listening
to this podcast and understanding any of it,
you've survived. But I'm sure you weren't milking
cows to eat or working for a paycheck as a one
-year -old. So my guess is someone took care
of you, and whoever took care of you, they weren't
getting anything from you except maybe your...
oozing cuteness that's just like just gushing
out of you right what what the hell do you call
that like now you might think well it's a given
that they should take care of me because they're
responsible for me they're just doing what they
should be doing right whoever your caregivers
were i think then you're missing the point regardless
of why they took care of you even if they're
doing it so that they could raise you so that
you could give back to them later in life i don't
really care right Regardless of why they took
care of you, someone somewhere in your early
years gave you food, shelter, health care, so
on, right? You needed a lot. I know because I've
raised a kid. Even the getting up every two hours
to feed your kid as an infant, that's a nightmare.
Destroying my sleep was detrimental to my health,
right? I would not have taken any amount of money
to... If somebody paid me to do that kind of
work, I would never have done it because I swear
it's a form of torture to be woken up every couple
hours, right? Look, you didn't grow up alone.
You weren't independent on day one. No, if you
tried making it on your own in those early years,
you'd be dead. And that's my point. You were
born into a world where others had to take care
of you for you to live. So at least in the early
stages... I don't want to hear any bullshit about
how you did it on your own. The fact is that
you're being alive right now is proof that you
relied on others to get by, okay? Now, once you've
hit adolescence, at least say like 13 years old,
maybe around there, you turn more to your peers
for support, right? So you stop relying so much
on your caregivers. You tend to lean more towards
your peers and care more about them. Their opinions
start to matter more, maybe more than any of
the adults in your life. Here, you might think,
is when you start becoming independent and do
things on your own. Okay, stop talking nonsense.
First of all, you still need the support of your
caregivers for basic needs still, okay? You try
to make it out there on your own without any
sort of help, you'd get crushed. The only way
you would have survived is if you had massive
amounts of resources that were just given to
you, gifted to you to go out there. But there
you're not doing it on your own. You're doing
it. You're living off of whatever your trust
fund or whatever else it might be. Okay. You're
also probably getting an education either paid
for directly or by your caregivers or from the
larger community through taxes. Your ass costs
a lot of money, time and energy. Like, let's
be honest. Okay. Do you think you're earning
your keep by studying at school or doing some
apprenticeship or whatever else you could be
doing at 13 years old? Maybe you work on a farm
or something. Maybe you think you, even with
your own experience, you're still doing enough
to deserve a living wage. Okay, look, stop all
this bullshit. This is nonsense, okay? You're
still dependent at this age. You're more capable
than you were before. You do a lot more independently
than you did before. Maybe, for instance, you
can dress yourself and you can bathe yourself
now that you're not an infant, but you're still
dependent on others, just in different ways.
At each stage of your life, you're just dependent
on others, but in a different way. Okay. So then
now, let's say you feel like you're ready to
be an adult. You go out to work, maybe find a
partner, have your own kid, build a life for
yourself. All these things happen, and then you
start thinking, okay, now I could start taking
credit for my own stuff. I've done some things
on my own. And here we can see the many, many
ways, hidden ways, that society... a larger community
comes to support you, okay? Let's say you're
trying to find a job. Why are you able to find
a job and get a salary that you can then use
to purchase the things you need and do this with
the confidence that it's not all going to be
taken away from you the next day? Why are you
able to save for the future? Why are you able
to make any plans for your own business, for
your family? Why are you able to do all these
things? You can only do this if you live in a
society that's structured in a way that allows
for it. If you live in a society that is stable
enough, that isn't going through some political
upheaval, where the government is just taking
the people's stuff every, like, month just by,
like, going into your house and just grabbing
all your stuff, you're able to do this because
you live in a society that is not completely
breaking down with violence and crime so that
you can trust that, you know, the things that
you earn, you're able to hold on to. The fact
that you can walk down the street and be confident
you won't be shot is a product of the community
you live in. These are not givens, by the way.
These are not things that are, oh, it's this
way for everybody. No, it's not. I've lived in
neighborhoods where it wasn't a given, where
theft was a pretty rampant, regular sort of thing,
like home invasions was a pretty regular thing.
You just move differently when you live in those
kinds of neighborhoods. So, no, it is not a given
that you have safety, that you have stability.
Like, these are not givens. Okay? And the resources
that others have put into it in order to create
this sort of community, that was them. That wasn't
you. It was the people before you who set up
these communities, who structured laws and then
funded programs and built up programs that provide
you with this kind of safety. It wasn't you.
You didn't do any of this. You didn't do shit.
You just plopped into this community. Okay? It
was a previous generation, the current generation
of community leaders that are just helping to
continue good social and economic policies. It's
a countless number of people who... get up each
day and do their jobs, picking up trash, making
sure the utilities work and so on that allows
you to live the kind of life that you do. You,
me, everyone in some way, we're just dependent
on each other. That's the reality. I'm not saying
that you're completely dependent on others. What
I'm saying is that whatever it is you think that
you are doing, you're doing it as part of a larger
body. The most you can do is... to carve out
a little lane for yourself to contribute something
to the larger community. But so yes, you are
doing some things independently, I guess, if
you want to call it that, but you're doing it
still within a larger, much more connected society.
It's just that I think a lot of people tend to
ignore all of these extra little things that
are happening and we just take it for granted
as a given. when it's not a given that the community
operates the way that it does to allow you the
freedom to do what it is that you want to do
with your life, okay? So look, as you can see,
there's no way to escape the reality that you
are in community with others. You contribute
to a community, sometimes unwillingly, and the
community is there to support or maybe harm you,
right? I mean, it could be good or bad, depending
on what it is that everyone else is doing. When
you succeed, however you define it, when you
succeed, it is never, I cannot stress this enough,
it is never the product of just you. Others were
behind your success in some form or fashion.
Others were always behind your success in some
form or fashion. Okay? But here's the thing.
The flip side is also correct. Since you're a
product of the community, when you fail miserably,
It's also a sign that something has gone wrong
in your community. Whether at the local, state,
national, or global level, something has gone
wrong. And you have every reason to be angry
about it, 100%. I'm pissed about it. I'm not
surprised that there's so many angry and despondent
men right now. Something's giving them good reason
to feel that way, right? I'm not saying that
you can now shift the blame to others. That's
not what I'm saying. You're still a part of the
community, so you take some responsibility, right?
Shared responsibility in this. So, you know,
I don't want you to try to escape. You need to
take responsibility for your shit, right? Always.
No exception. But when we see a breakdown of
men all over the place, these are not just isolated
incidents, but these are just an epidemic. We
should also be looking at what the hell is going
on in the larger community that's leading to
this sort of breakdown. Because here's going
to be my guess. If there's a general problem
with men across the board, it can't be just one
-offs happening all over the place. That just
seems way too coincidental. My guess is that
there seems to be some sort of breakdown in the
way that the community is operating that's leading
to all of these men being in the kind of situations
that they are and feeling the way that they do.
However, just because you have good reason to
be angry doesn't mean that whatever you do in
response to those feelings is justified, okay?
No. Some of the ways that these men are responding,
I don't even want to call them men at this point,
right? This is just some bitch -ass responses.
That's what it is, right? Look, one bitch way
to respond is trying to find someone else to
blame. That's your trying to absolve yourself
of any responsibility. Because shifting blame
onto others is essentially alleviating yourself
of any of that responsibility, okay? That's what
bitches do. We've talked about this last time,
right? That's what bitches do. This is essentially
what I see when I see people blame other races
or ethnicities, immigrants, other genders. When
you're looking for a scapegoat, that's bitch
shit, okay? If you hear a politician say this
kind of shit, they're bitches for believing it
or bitches for using it as some sort of rhetoric
for their own political gain. So let's go for
responses that don't reek of bitch assetry, right?
So again, I want to kind of separate these two
things, right? It's perfectly makes sense why.
Men feel that the way that they do, you might
feel angry at the community, at the larger community
for not holding up their own end of the bargain.
And so you might have good reason to be angry
with the rest of the world, but your anger doesn't
justify all of your responses, okay? Your anger
justifies your anger. That's it. You have reason
to be angry. I empathize with that. I see you,
okay? You have reason to be angry. What you do
with that anger, that's on you. What you do with
that anger is on you. You still need to take
responsibility for your own shit, okay? All right.
You know, the approach of actually identifying
the real problem is what I really want to do.
I want to find real solutions, right? That's
what non -bitches do, okay? Bitches go around
blaming other people for all of their own problems,
okay? Yeah, we're not going to do that, okay?
What we want to do is actually fix the goddamn
problems, right? What's the problem and what's
the solution? Okay, here is where I jump off
and say I have no clue, okay? Because I, like
I said, I am not an expert in everything. I have
some thoughts of my own, but they are not the
thoughts of an expert. They are just my own thoughts
based off of what I've learned over the years.
Again, it might vary depending on the specific
community that you're dealing with because we
might each be dealing with a different set of
issues. So I don't want to just like, you know,
blanket statement think that all problems uh
with men can be resolved in the same way okay
i'm actually not sure i'm actually not sure exactly
what the problems are uh like i said i'm not
an expert in this my understanding of this stuff
is i acknowledge i acknowledge is limited but
i can tell you at least some of what i personally
see and you might some of this might resonate
with you and if so then don't take that as a
you and I see eye to eye, take it as, oh, maybe
we might be onto something. Maybe we need to
take a look at it and see if this is really the
root of the problem and then see if you can figure
out something to do in your specific community
to address it, okay? All right, so a couple of
things that I see. Okay, one, much of the anger
in men I see comes from people who are or in
these communities that have been completely devastated
by changing times, okay? I do not see angry,
pissed off, despondent, violent men that are
coming from wealthy homes who, you know, have
a good education, who have parents, who are in
a real, real good marriage, right? Like, I'm
not seeing that. What I see is a lot of angry
men coming from communities that are broken in
some form or fashion. Okay, I think people have
a hard time dealing with someone's anger. It's
not easy. It's not a good feeling. And I think
the instinct is to get that person to not be
so angry. But let me ask you something, right?
If you've been told that you just, you know,
if you just work hard and do the right things,
then you'll be able to build a good life for
yourself. And so you go on to work hard, do the
right things, you know, don't do crime, you try
to do it the right way, build a business for
yourself. you know, all that stuff, right? Be
an honest business person, let's say. Only to
see that your life is still shit, only to see
that you don't, you know, you can't progress,
no matter how hard you try, how would you feel?
You'll probably be depressed and angry, right?
That makes perfect sense. You might blame yourself,
so the anger might be directed inward, in which
case you feel like a failure and then you become
super depressed and then you end up wanting to
hurt yourself, which is, again, one of the major
issues with men. Or you might direct your anger
outward to the world, wondering why in the world
you were told this lie, or why is it that this
isn't working out for you. This is what you're
seeing in a lot of men. I know because I was
told these lies. I was told that if you learn
to behave the right way, study hard, get a job,
then eventually you can build up a good life
for yourself. Well, that might be true for some
people, and I'll acknowledge that it has worked
out for me. But I'm also under no delusion that
this is true for everybody. In fact, there are
a lot of people who grew up in the communities
similar to the ones that I grew up in, where
they did try to do things the right way, only
to find that their wages have fallen, they've
lost their jobs, they were told that they need
to get degrees, only to be in massive amounts
of... college debt, right? And to only find jobs
that no longer pay significantly better than
high school degrees, or maybe they have a hard
time finding a job at all, okay? Whether it's
the lie that was told to them or the society
that hasn't done its part to provide opportunities,
the society or the community around these people
just completely broke down in a way that is leaving
specifically men in pretty shitty positions.
I don't even know the data on this, right? But
I have a pretty strong sense that many of the
men feeling lonely, depressed, and angry are
probably ones from working class backgrounds,
probably from poor communities, rural communities
that were stripped of a way of life, like industries
that used to be there. Probably didn't have any
money that their parents could just hand them
to start a business or put a down payment on
a home or to pay for their college expenses.
This is the economic reality we live in today.
It's not just statistics on a piece of paper.
These are real lives, real people who are wanting
to do the right thing. But because we have made
certain policy decisions as a community, we have
made the tax code what it is, we have allowed
industry, larger industries to strip away opportunities
from entire generations of men. How do you think
that men would respond? With gratitude? Of course
they'd be angry. It makes perfect sense that
they'd be angry. Stop getting upset with them
or tell them that they shouldn't be angry. They
have every reason to be angry. Here's something
else that has happened. Communities have often
radically been reshaped by changes in technology,
society, government, and so on. There are entire
communities in the United States that have been
completely decimated by these changes. And no
one is doing anything to help them rebuild these
communities. I'm thinking particularly of small
towns that went through major changes in industry.
Maybe there was an economic boom at some point
in their town, but then that thing completely
collapsed, right? It could have been because
of economic decisions by private companies or
government policies. Jobs became more concentrated
in bigger cities. Some of these towns became
completely abandoned or just completely aged
out. Investors not looking to kind of put money
into these communities because they don't see
a profit in building up those communities. Look,
change is inevitable, and we all need to learn
to adapt to changes. But think for a second what
would happen if a third of the people in your
community just disappeared overnight and moved
elsewhere. Or if everything that you used to
believe, like the community used to have as certain
norms, changed overnight. If the people in your
community didn't have time to come over to just
connect with you because everyone is too busy
trying to make money or fill in the roles left
by the dwindling population. Maybe you're seeing
entire hollowing out of those communities built
on generations of relationships and families.
People aren't having as many kids nowadays, so
now we don't have the youth there to revive some
of the energy in that community. You don't have
the same sort of activities, like the annual
events that the town used to have. If this is
happening around you, how would you respond?
I mean, I'm guessing that... you would feel in
the least some sense of loss. When the relationships
you had your entire life that your parents and
grandparents had, when they no longer exist the
way that it used to, and you're trying to build,
you now haven't been forced to build new relationships
elsewhere with people that you don't understand
because you don't understand generationally,
you know, like your parents didn't know each
other, your grandparents didn't know each other,
right? I doubt it'll be the same. Something is
lost here. It makes sense why people would be
mourning, be upset, be sad, be grieving the loss
of a community that they once knew. And it wasn't
any individual who did anything, right? A lot
of these pressures for the changes that came,
you know, they came from the outside. It's coming
from the larger society at the state, city, national
level. It's coming from international corporations,
advancements in technologies that change the
direction of entire industries. Again, these
changes are inevitable. It'll happen. It'll come.
You can argue all of that, but it doesn't change
the fact that it at least really hurts some of
these communities. And it's breaking the individuals
that are living within them because they have
lost the community that they once had. And again,
if you really take this seriously, that you are
a product of, in part, of your community, that
your community supports you or can destroy you,
right? When the community is no longer there,
when the community that used to be there as a
source of support and to love and care and helping
each other out, that disappears. What do you
expect to happen? People are going to not have
that social network, isn't going to have that
support. They're going to have a harder time,
period. So one of the things that I at least
see, and again, this is just my own experience,
is that a lot of the men that you see that are
angry, it's coming from very specific communities.
I would look at those specific communities to
figure out why it is that you're getting so many
angry men, okay? But my guess is that this stuff
that I've talked about, right, probably has something
to do with it. And this is a community issue.
This is not on any individual. The community
is falling apart. The community is not doing
its part. The community is dying. And you would
expect, given how humans are, that... yeah, it
would make sense that people would feel lonely,
disconnected, just have a harder time in life,
okay? Here's another observation that I personally
have, right? And this just comes from all kinds
of ways, not just online, but at least in person,
talking to students and talking to friends and
their kids as well, at least the boys in how
they feel kind of... disempowered. I don't know
if that's the best word. But here's the other
thing that is constantly happening, right? Men
are told, at least in the public space, it's
a little different in the private space, but
at least in the public space, men are told to
change their ways without being given the tools
to do so. Okay? Look, I'm all for calling out
bad behavior. But I do often ask the question,
what is the point of it? What is the point of
calling out bad behavior? Is it to shame them
into submission? Or is the point to actually
make people better? If your goal is to actually
make people better, for boys to actually become
men, instead of just trying to act like one,
then you can't just tell them to stop doing something
or that they're wrong or that they need to be
better. you need to also hand them the tools
to be better, okay? This is, by the way, just
people in general. Like when I teach, I often
try my best. I do try my best. I'm not perfect
at it, but I do try my best to say like, look.
If I need your writing to be better, if I need
your reading comprehension skills to be better,
I try to couple that with at least some tangible
things that the students can do to be better.
And the reason it's important to also hand them
the tools is that, look, if you just tell them
to stop doing something, they could stop the
behavior, but they're not going to, A, do it
well because they don't have the tools to address
the underlying issues that are leading to that
behavior, right? But B, you focus so much on
the behavior that you're actually not really
addressing. It doesn't seem like you care about
the root issue. And what ends up happening is
that they feel like you don't actually care about
them. You only just want them to stop doing whatever
it is that they're doing. By the way, I'm having
flashbacks now that I'm talking about it to the
way that my dad used to discipline. My dad used
to discipline me in this way where he would just
say, do as I tell you to do. Don't ask questions.
Just obey my authority. And I remember as a kid,
it never worked, right? Like it never stuck.
And the reason it didn't stick, I mean, it stuck
in some ways. I learned to be sneakier, right?
I learned to lie a lot better and to get away
with stuff. But, you know, it didn't actually
address any of the underlying issues because
I wasn't actually, none of it was being discussed.
And also I wasn't being given the tools to be
able to address the root issue that was leading
to the quote unquote bad behavior. OK, look,
you need to give people a better understanding
of what happened, why it happened and provide
realistic ways to be better. If your goal is
really to be for them to be better. I remember
I got in trouble for stealing. This was maybe
in like eighth or ninth grade. I got yelled at,
told that it was something I shouldn't do and
I did something bad and that I'd get in trouble.
And there was nothing beyond that. Right. I got
in trouble. I was punished. And then people just
assume that this is like, okay, now that you've
experienced the consequences of your actions
and you were punished, that you somehow learned
your lesson. That wasn't true at all. I just
got better at stealing. That's what happened.
I got better at stealing, right? There was no
discussion about why I did what I did, was it
some temptation that I had, or was there something
else, some other reason I was acting out in this
way. Maybe it would have helped to find some
better way of addressing what it is that I was
feeling. But nothing, I was given nothing. So
what did I learn? I just learned that I get in
trouble, so the next time just don't get caught.
That's what I learned. I want to contrast this
with, you know, I remember in my first year in
college, I was living in the residence halls
and I was talking to a bunch of, like, I mean,
there's all these students that just like hang
around all the time, just having conversations.
And I was joining in on a conversation. And I
remember at some point, I remember that first
year I was wilding out, right? I said some wild
offensive ass shit about women. Like, oh man,
people were pissed. I got a call from my RA,
the resident assistant. It was the person that
was kind of in charge of disciplining on that
floor. And this was different than my time getting
caught stealing, right? The RA, bless her heart,
right, actually sat down and had a real conversation
with me, right? She actually wanted to get to
the bottom of, like, why did I say what I did?
Did I mean what I said? Like, do you see how
other people might have taken it? We had a whole
conversation, right? I mean, it wasn't a comfortable
one, but... it was a real conversation where
she just wanted to actually get a sense of where
my head was at, why I was saying what I was doing,
you know, try to explain to me how other people
might've taken it, why they felt the way that
they did. You know, my RA gave me the benefit
of the doubt and didn't assume anything about
me that I was just a complete asshole. Right.
But actually took the time to try to understand.
you know, where I was coming from and, you know,
my own experience and why I might have not thought,
you know, a second thought as to why, like, what
I said would have hurt other people's feelings,
right? Did that stop me from saying more dumb
things later? No. I mean, I still continue to
wild out that first year. My roommates that year
knew, right? Like, I was wild that first year
in college, right? But... It was a move in the
right direction. It planted the seeds for me
to reconsider the impact of my words before I
said them. It wasn't necessarily about fixing
my behavior to try to control me, but rather
there was a genuine engagement. That's what I
had with my RA. It was a genuine engagement to
help me to see what it is I was doing, why it
had the impact that it did, that I can be better,
and there were ways to actually move in that
direction. I'm not saying... Let bad behavior
slide. If you do something, right? If you do
something wrong, you should be called out for
it. You did something wrong and you need to accept
responsibility. But if all you're doing is just
pointing out the bad behavior without actually
engaging with that person, without genuinely
wanting better for them, how do you expect them
to respond, right? There'll be no growth because
you're not... creating opportunity for growth,
all you're doing is shaming or condemning the
behavior. And what they learn is don't get caught
doing this behavior. So what do they do next
time? They just become covert bitches and they
just hide it better. That's what happens. It
just goes undercover, right? Quick side note,
look, you might have been able to guess based
off of what I just said. that I'm fairly against
canceling people, at least in the way that people
do it on social media, where they're just whining
and bitching about somebody's bad behavior, call
it out, maybe call for boycott or something,
or call for them to get fired, and it's a big
ruckus. Look, I genuinely support efforts to
boycott, you know, to right a wrong, to make
things better. I have no problem with any of
that. What I do take issue with is the motive
for a lot of the people that are calling out
bad behavior. And especially on social media,
where honestly, I find that to be most of social
media is just be a bunch of lazy bullshit. This
is not real, like a change that you're creating.
You're just being a bunch of bitches hiding behind,
you know, on TikTok and on Facebook and YouTube
or wherever else. Okay. These same people who
are doing the calling out, I don't see them making
genuine attempts to actually engage the people
they're criticizing to help them do better. It's
honestly like shaming people into submission,
which doesn't serve the purpose of building people
up to be better. I think this is probably why
so many people, not just me, I think this is
probably the intuition why there's such a negative
attitude towards cancel culture. It's not so
much that people have a problem with calling
out bad behavior. There's something about it
that just seems disingenuous, which is you're
trying to get people fired for their bad behavior.
You're trying to get them to experience consequences,
but then you're also not giving them a way out
to be better. So what do they end up doing? They
feel resentful, they feel wronged, and then it
just creates a whole cycle where people feel
that way and then they continue to believe whatever
they believe. You haven't actually made the world
a better place. You haven't done anything to
improve anything, right? People make mistakes.
They do terrible things sometimes. Yes, they
should be held accountable. But beyond that,
the question becomes, what's the purpose of calling
them out? Is it more for yourself as a way to
release some pent -up anger or to take the moral
high ground? Or is it to actually make the world
a better place for people to actually change
into a better version of themselves? I prefer
to call out bad behavior, but then I will also
kind of work with those same people or that same
community to try to find a way to help them,
you know, give them a way forward so that they
don't repeat, you know, those mistakes. Okay,
side note over. All right. Back to the point
I was making. What I was trying to say is pointing
out that men are often doing these bad behaviors,
right? Without giving them the tools to be better,
like, that's a failure of the community. That's
not a failure of the individual, right? Look,
I work with students, and when I teach them,
I realize, like, look, they're only going to
be, there's some responsibility on their part
for sure. Things that they need to do on their
end to learn. But there's a limit to how much
they can learn if they're not given the right
sort of guidance from instructors before them.
And there's a reason. You don't take students
who don't already have the skills to learn and
then don't give them the tools to learn and then
expect them to learn. That makes absolutely no
sense to me. It makes absolutely no sense. They
don't have the tools yet. You need someone to
give them the tools. Who are the ones there to
give the tools? It should be someone in the community,
right? There should be some system set up so
that somebody in the community or a collective
within the community comes in to give that person
the tools to do their part, right? If you really
want them to be better, then you need to give
them those. tools. Without it, how can they learn?
You can't teach yourself because they can't.
You don't expect children to teach themselves.
That doesn't make any sense. They need to be
given the tools to learn, to be better. And if
they're not given those tools, then somebody's
failed. And it's not them because they don't
know any better. So what I'm pointing out is
this. Communities can build people up or it could
tear them down. If you see people torn down,
I doubt that they did it to themselves, at least
intentionally. We can't help men be better without
also giving them the tools to be better. So men
need to be better about providing actionable
ways to other men to be a better version of themselves.
I'm out here calling bitches bitches, but I'm
also trying to explain to you why... This is
some bitch shit. And trying to at least get good
men to be better role models in their community
by taking up that mantle and spending time genuinely
investing in boys and talking them through how
they're feeling through their struggles and helping
them, giving them the tools to be a better man.
You can't expect boys to become men just by going
through life. You need to give them the tools.
You need to give them. a guideline of what it
means to actually be a man and then help them
train in order to be a man we used to have stuff
like that i think the draft was a part of it
to teach some discipline and so on um went to
create like a built -in community uh i don't
know how effective that was i just know that
there were these things kind of in place um it
seems like we've just like that alleviated a
lot of that responsibility to colleges and think
that, oh, you know, we send a bunch of 18 -year
-old boys to college and, of course, they're
going to grow into men. It's like, no, that probably
is just going to surround them with a bunch of
other bitches and then do more bitch -ass stuff.
I remember what college was like. I remember
seeing a bunch of boys, a bunch of bitches acting
like bitches and then exacerbating their bitch
-assness by hanging out with more bitches. That's
just what happened, right? Bitches gathered in
flocks and then they start, you know, increasing
the level of bitch assetry in their little group
of, you know, their little clique, right? So,
look, we need somebody, we need, I don't know,
I'm not sure exactly what, right? What I'm pointing
out is it's a community's responsibility. It's
not on the boys themselves. Like, if you keep
on, you know, harping on the bad behavior of
men, without also giving the flip side of that,
right, giving them the tools to also be better,
we're just going around in circles and we're
not going to make anything better. If anything,
you're going to make a bunch of men more resentful,
okay? So what I'm saying is this. Look, I don't
know exactly what the root issue is. I don't
know exactly what the exact solution is going
to be. What I do know is that this is going to
have to be a community effort. It's going to
have to be a collective effort. Right? I'm wanting
to do for myself, right, at least in my local
community, I'm trying to do the little things
I can. But for you, I don't know what it's going
to look like in your community. What I'm saying
is let's stop pointing so much of the finger
at individuals if you're not going to also give
them the tools to be better than what they were
yesterday. Right? If you're not going to show
boys how to be men, don't start bitching about
how, you know, these boys end up growing into
bitches rather than real men. That's on your
community. So y 'all need to do some self -reflection
to figure out exactly where that's coming from.
So I want to keep driving home this point that
we are all individuals with individual responsibilities,
but also members of a larger community, interrelated
and dependent on one another for better or worse.
I'm really harping on this for a reason, right?
Just as you need to take responsibility for yourself,
the larger community needs to take responsibility
for its decision. And it goes both ways. You
cannot take full credit for all your accomplishments,
but you also can't take full blame either because
the outcome is always a product of both, both
the individual or individuals and the larger
community, okay? So I don't know what's going
on in your city, in your local area, in your
state. If you see shit go bad in that community,
however you define it, Y 'all need to look inwards.
Just as individuals need to look inwards, your
community needs to look inwards to figure out
where the problems are coming from. It is not
like pointing fingers at specific individuals
or specific groups within that community. Y 'all
need to figure out a way to address it, but it's
a collective problem. It's a collective problem.
Now, one of the reasons I want to drive home
this idea that you're always a product of a larger
community is that the focus of your own contributions
or what I did for myself, right, is all part
of this comparison game, to take it back to the
first episodes, that leads to this unhealthy
competition among men. You might have already
sensed it when I talked about how we need to
tamper down the comparison game, but adjacent
to this is the issue of competition. When we're
consumed with what we can do for ourselves without
the help of others, you're building a case that
you are worthy of all this praise for all your
accomplishments. If the other men are doing the
same thing, what are you really doing? Just be
honest, right? You end up having a dick measuring
contest trying to determine who is better. You
end up sizing each other up and ranking each
other based on those individual accomplishments,
okay? Now, in some circles, this kind of competition
is seen as a good thing. You might argue that
competition motivates us to do better or that
in trying to outdo the person next to you, you
end up creating something better for everyone.
People who are super into capitalism think this
is a good thing to have all this clear competition.
You create better service, a better product,
a better idea. People do joke about how stupid
participation trophies are, that we're coddling
the youth, that we should teach them this isn't
the way of the real world, that competition is
part of life and that we ingrain it into their
mind. Competition is the norm as the obvious
reality of the world. But I want to stress the
community thing for a reason because I think
there's a real danger of this competition as
a measure of worth. Competition in and of itself
I don't think is bad. for one. I, for one, tend
to think competitive, I get very competitive
when I play games, right? Now, I keep that in
check when I'm playing with my kid because that's
just not fair. I would win every time. But with
friends, I will murder them in a board game or
a card game, okay? I will not hesitate to engage
whatever legal, right, tactic I can employ to
destroy them, right? Sometimes I find joy in
seeing them suffering, right? But here's the
thing. That competition is within the context
of a game. When the competition becomes about
something else, about winning, you know, in the
game of life, maybe, that's how people view it,
okay? That competition is just there to elevate
yourself and to, you know, relative to other
people. And you're tying yourself worth to the
outcomes of the competition. you're essentially
making yourself a slave to the competition. But
the bigger danger, I think, is that what we need
right now is to address the collective issue
with men. And collective problems are generally
not solved by competition. Men competing with
each other is not going to help, I think, at
all. It's not going to solve any of the issues
because, and this is why I stress the community
aspect, right? collective problems are solved
by cooperation. We need men to work together
here, right? Pointing fingers at each other,
saying that one man is a better man than others,
like this doesn't help. They might think like,
well, you're going around here calling all these
guys bitches. It's like, yeah, I'm doing it in
the hopes that we collectively get together and
then say, hey, y 'all are some bitches. Let's
go ahead and turn you into real men. There's
a difference between providing each other with
constructive criticism to help each other to
be better and trying to take some moral high
ground just to make yourself feel better. I'm
fine with the former. I despise the latter. I'm
not here calling out bitches to make myself feel
better. No, I actually feel terrible that I see
so many bitches out there. It's really exhausting.
You don't have to believe me, but my motivation
is honestly to build a better generation. You
don't believe me? That's fine. Like, look, people
around me know what I'm about. I mean, I live
it every day. When I see my students, my own
kid, I see the world as it is. I'm honestly worried
for them. I'm worried for the women who are very
likely going to face sexual, physical abuse in
their relationships at some point in their life.
I'm worried for the men who don't even try because
they've been told their entire life to do better
without anyone showing them or giving them opportunities
to be better. I'm worried about the quality of
education and whether the younger generation
will be equipped to handle future challenges.
And if bitches are making it worse for them,
I can't help myself. I'm going to call it out.
But it's not to degrade even the bitches, right?
I'm not here to degrade them. It's a plea. It's
a plea for bitches to stop being such bitches
and to become better members of the community.
And I'm asking for the community to not just
sit on their ass, but actually do something about
it. So, look, I'm looking for people to band
with me, to cooperate with me in creating a better
culture here, in creating a better community,
one that demands more of each other, not less,
but more, to stop settling for these bitches
and then to demand better of the men in our lives.
Because I know that I can't do it alone. I, even
within my smaller local community, I know that
I can't do it alone. This is a collective problem
and is not going to be solved by me doing anything
on my own. It's only going to be resolved when
an entire community gets together and works cooperatively
for a common goal, to get these bitches out of
here. So I'll stress it again. If you are successful
in any way, you were lucky or had help, Period.
You had a community behind you that worked for
you. I think we need to stop lying to others
and ourselves that it's even possible for you
to make something of yourself just by your own
sheer will or talent. It's an idea that's especially
pervasive among men. I want to tell you that
is not, never has been, never will be the case.
If you think you made something of yourself,
then I think you need to think more carefully
about all the ways that luck A great community,
other people in your life have played a role
in your success. I am only able to see this very
clearly because I grew up poor and have been
able to see the flip side of how other classes
grew up and built their lives. Here's a basic
fact about people. We don't see the things we
take for granted because those things we take
for granted. We just take it as that's just how
the world is. If you grew up with support from
your parents, from your community, from the government,
these are just norms you take for granted. You
don't see that as help from other people. You
see it as this is just the way the world is.
So there is zero credit that you give to the
others that have helped build you into who you
are. If you grew up poor with jack shit, if you
didn't have any of this shit, then you know that
that's not a given, that the world isn't necessarily
going to give these things to you. You don't
take it for granted. When parents are able to
put food on the table, you don't take it for
granted. You find it to be a blessing that you
have a roof over your head, right? You don't
take it for granted that you have access to public
education and a decent one at that. You don't
take it for granted that you don't have a school
that's run down and riddled with violence so
that you can't actually study. You don't take
it for granted that you're able to go to college.
None of these are given. None of these are obvious.
None of these are expected. None of these are
things that you just assume was going to be there
for you because you live in a community where
that wasn't a given. When you have and have always
had help from your parents, from community members
who ensure that your life didn't have these barriers,
then you don't see that it's possible that you
don't have any of this shit. You don't see that
you were lucky enough to have this shit. You
don't see what it is that the community did to
put you in that position. If you ask me who I
think the most generous people are, I would tell
you that it's the poor, it's the people who live
without, you know, what we might take as the
basic necessities of life. That's because generosity
is forged from the awareness that you have received
much yourself. When you're poor, you don't forget
someone else's generosity because that meant
something to you. That meant survival for you.
It wasn't a given. You didn't take it for granted.
When you have enough, when you have more than
enough, it's a lot easier to overlook the fact
that other people have been there to take care
of you. You don't see the depths and the many
ways in which you've been on the receiving end.
And you'll never experience that level of gratitude.
It's highly unlikely anyways, no matter how hard
you try. Look, I grew up poor, but now I'm doing
well for myself because I went to a competitive
college and got advanced degrees. I came across
a lot more people who grew up with far more than
I could ever dreamed of. Without exception, everyone
from middle to upper class, They just have a
major blind spot in this area. They don't realize
just how lucky they were. They don't realize
just how much their community played a role in
their success. Every single one of them, without
fail, have this blind spot. Some may have gone
to some mission trips to poor neighborhoods and
did some outreach, yada, yada, and think that
they understand gratitude. That's bullshit. You
realize a bit more of what you have that others
don't. You become a little bit more aware of
this kind of stuff. like I had a home, a safe
neighborhood, food to eat, they don't realize
that having all these things also made sure that
they were of sound mind. Like if you actually
live through poverty, like you're also dealing
with anxiety, depression, constant levels of
fear, you know, probably in violent neighborhoods,
like life isn't a given for you, right? It seems
harsh, but I tell people like my parents who
are poor, like no one is... going to save you
because that was a reality that was a reality
we just you just knew that you had to kind of
figure it out a way to just make it through the
day because you live in a an area where the community
didn't have the means to really support you they
did what they could but it's just again none
of it was given Anyone with the means to save
you, like millionaires and billionaires, they
honestly don't give a shit. Not because they're
like cold -hearted or horrible people, but rather
because you're not on their radar. They don't
even see you. That's the reality. That's what
I experience, right? Everyone else is too busy
living out their lives the best they can, trying
to make something of themselves. They're not
sticking around trying to think about what the
other people are in need of. That's just not
the first thing that would come to their mind.
This is what's happening with men. We have a
bunch of men who are suffering or having a hard
time trying to make it through life, trying to
make it through life alone, feeling alone, feeling
isolated, and we left the duty to a bunch of
bitches to guide them. That's what we did. It's
time for a community to step up and be there
for the men that are really in need. I need a
community. I can't do this alone. I know there's
other men like me out there. They're doing their
best, probably going at it alone. I already know
the success rate is going to be zero if you're
trying to go at it alone. We don't have the bandwidth.
to handle competing with each other to try to
see who's the best at, you know, saving bitches
from bitch assness, right? No, we're not competing.
We're working together here. We're cooperating.
Women are not going to save us. They have their
own shit to deal with. Your kids are not going
to save you. The government isn't coming to save
you. The government is full of bitches. Men in
the community need to band together and help
themselves to embrace each other, support each
other. and to allow men to open up about the
worst parts of themselves and challenge each
other to be better and also do so giving each
other the tools and the support they need in
order to actually be better. I know we're capable
of more. We just can't do it alone. So to summarize,
real men don't try to make life about themselves.
They're just... That's just insecure bitch shit
if you're trying to make life about your own
accomplishments and you feeling valuable to the
community. Real men give credit where it's due
because they're not threatened by others because
they're not threatened by others getting their
shine. They're not in a competition with other
men. They don't need to beat the man next to
them. Right now, I want you to see that we need
to be fighting the same fight for the soul of
men. You're not alone in this, but you need to
be a part of it. So I hope you find or create
that community for yourself and that you can
find strength in that brotherhood because we're
not going to be successful without it.