So last time, we turned our attention inward
and focused on becoming more honest with ourselves.
Sitting with our true feelings and tensions and
past and maybe even present actions is really
hard. It's not an easy thing to do at all, but
if you can do it and just accept the reality
of who you are in that moment, you'll also find
something else. and that's going to be the topic
for the day, you're going to find that you have
a greater sense of ownership over yourself. What
I mean by that is because you can sit with who
you are, because you are no longer trying to
fight or deny that this is who you are, because
you've accepted it, you can now do something
about it. And it's that ability to now do something
about it that gives you real power and a real
sense of responsibility. Try my best to unpack
this a bit. Think for a second of when you have
tried to avoid responsibility. We've all had
these moments, but let's just take an example.
Let's say you were supposed to meet a friend
at like 2 p .m. sharp. It was a really important
appointment, and it was important that you be
there on time. Both of you agreed to this. It
was made very clear, the importance of it, that
everyone needs to be there on time. But you show
up an hour late. and didn't tell your friend
that you'd be late. So you didn't give them a
text or anything saying, hey, I'm running behind,
right? Your friend is now angry at you for both
being late and not giving him a heads up. Okay?
Here's the reality. You're responsible for both
of these things. You're responsible for being
late and also not giving your friend a heads
up, right? These are both things that, you know,
you did that you had promised not to do, right?
Or maybe it was implicitly promised, right? Your
friend has every reason to be upset with you,
right? Your friend was sitting there for an hour,
not knowing what's happening, you know, time
wasted, right? There's a lot of reasons for your
friend to be upset with you. There's good reason,
okay? If you were in a similar boat, you might
feel the same way. Now, if you're trying to avoid
that responsibility, you might make some excuse
about how there was traffic or how your phone
was on silent, you didn't hear the alarm. I don't
know, like whatever the reason was that you did
not show up on time and did not send a heads
up message to your friend, right? Your first
response, let's say, isn't to just accept responsibility,
right? Just say that you screwed up. apologize,
and then make an honest effort to be better about
it in the future. Maybe find a way to make up
for it, right? So why is that? Why is it that
your first response isn't to just accept responsibility?
Why is it that you're so keen on providing some
explanation or a reason as to why you were late?
A reason that you want your friend to just kind
of accept, right? You want your friend to just
be like, oh, I get it. Things happen. I understand.
That's probably the response that you were hoping
to get. So maybe this is an oversimplification,
but my guess is that you don't want to accept
that you screwed up. I think at the core of it,
that's kind of what it is that you're looking
for, right? You don't want your friend to believe
you screwed up, or maybe you don't want to believe
that about yourself. I mean, I don't know you,
so I can't tell you what's going on in your own
psyche, but... Let's run down the possibility
of why it is that you're not just straightforwardly
accepting responsibility for being late. One
possibility is that you just don't want the consequences
that come with dropping your responsibilities,
right? But you have no problem with being irresponsible
as if you don't even feel bad about it, in which
case you're a fucking psychopath, okay? If you
just don't care that you're being irresponsible,
that other people are depending on you, and then
you let them down, but you just don't care, right?
Because you don't have any empathy. You're a
psychopath. Okay. Second possibility is that
you do feel bad. Okay. So you're not a complete
psychopath, but you don't want to accept the
consequences that come with your actions just
because the consequences are not. Pleasant ones,
right? Like it doesn't feel good for a friend
to be mad at you. It doesn't feel good for, you
know, somebody to express that to you. Maybe
it doesn't feel good to try to make up for your
mistakes because it costs you in some form or
fashion, okay? In which case, you care more about
what happens to you than accepting responsibility.
Okay. Here's a third possibility. You're in denial
and you don't think that you're responsible for
what you did, even though every piece of evidence
says otherwise, right? So like, even though there's
a lot of things that you could have done differently
that you didn't do, you just are in denial and
say like, you know, it's not my responsibility
to, you know, do all these things that I could
have done to make sure that I wasn't late. Okay.
I'm going to just assume that you're not a psychopath,
so we could eliminate the first possibility.
A genuine psychopath is fairly rare. They do
exist, but I'm going to assume that you are not
one of them. If you're in the second camp, so
you feel bad, you just don't want to accept the
consequences of your mistake. at least you acknowledge
that you screwed up, right? At least there's
a part of you that acknowledges that, yes, you
are responsible and then you screwed up. That
tells me that you are at least aware of what
you did, but still you're a little bit of a bitch
for trying to escape responsibility. Here's why.
When you don't do your part, when you don't handle
your own responsibilities, your obligations,
at the end of the day, somebody pays the cause.
You fuck over somebody else. right? It's not
always obvious and it's not always visible, but
it's there, right? So like in this case, if you're
late to this meeting with your friend without
telling them, who ate the cost of your dropping
the ball on this, right? It was your friend.
Your friend was the one sitting around wasting
their time waiting for you, not knowing, getting
frustrated, like they're eating the emotional
cost, they're eating the, you know, just the
time wasted. If you don't do your part in a group
project, that needs to meet a deadline who is
the cause i mean there's always going to be someone
right the other team members i have to now pick
up the slack for you make sure to make sure the
deadline's met um let's say if you don't discipline
your kids by setting appropriate boundaries assuming
you have kids right who ends up eating the cost
the rest of society because now the rest of society
has to deal with a psychopath that you've raised
that just goes around violating everyone else's
boundaries right there's never a time when somebody
drops the ball on a responsibility And someone
somewhere doesn't pay for it, right? There's
always a cost to you. You're not doing your part,
okay? It's just not that obvious all the time.
You might have to think about it a little bit.
But if you think about this for a second, you'll
realize it's, I mean, I believe it's to a large
degree true, right? Ideally, the person who is
responsible should be the one paying the cost
because they're the ones who should be taking
ownership of whatever it is, the mess that they
created, right? But if you avoid accepting the
consequences of your decisions, of your behavior,
then someone else is going to deal with the consequences.
So when you don't accept your own responsibilities,
like you don't take accountability for what you
did as you did, and the consequences that come
with it, pushing it off to somebody else right
like that's essentially what you're doing is
that you're you know you're saying hey i'm prioritizing
myself and my own needs or desires or whatever
it is that i want from life and i'm going to
push over whatever it is at the cost of my screwing
up or making mistakes or not taking care of the
things i need to take care of i'm going to push
it off onto someone else right you know who else
does that that's right the first camp of people
the psychopaths Okay, now it might not be to
the same extent, but still there's a little bit
of this psychopathy behavior. Okay, so not a
real good option. Okay, the third camp. This
is the camp of people who are in complete denial
about the fact that they are responsible for
whatever it is that all the evidence points to
they're being responsible for. The third camp
is where we get narcissistic bitch -assetry.
Those deeply insecure bitches. They're such bitches
that they don't even know that they're bitches.
These are the Elon Musks and the Donald Trumps
of the world. I genuinely believe that they believe
that all the problems around them are the fault
of others. Why do they believe that? Because
acknowledging even the possibility that they
might be responsible for any of the shit they
create is just out of their mental capability,
right? It's just too hard to acknowledge that
maybe they screwed up. that maybe they didn't
measure up to whatever standard they held themselves
up to be, that maybe they're not as capable as
what they want to believe themselves to be. They're
in denial because it's too hard to acknowledge
reality that maybe they screwed up and all the
things that come with it. These are rooted, I'm
guessing, in some insecurities about themselves.
which is why they not only need to present themselves
to the world as being awesome, but also need
to see themselves in this way, right? Admitting
it not only to other people, but admitting it
to themselves is like a very difficult task,
right? Admitting that they aren't the shit would
be just too hard for them. Their brain would
just melt down and wouldn't know what to do with
that information, okay? So they go through life
blaming other people and never accepting responsibility,
not because they don't want to accept any consequences,
but because they can't even bring themselves
to acknowledge that they did anything wrong.
That first step alone is just too hard. Now,
I want to be clear. Everyone has a little bit
of all three of these, I think, in them to some
degree. OK, because the truth is that we all
have some insecurities. We all don't want to
accept consequences for the things that we've
done. Right. Like these are all like comes in
varying degrees with each person. Right. But
there's always a little bit of this as part of
the growing process. Children do this. You don't
have to even teach children to try to hide from
taking responsibility like they just naturally
do it. It's a normal human thing to have some
of this. Right. It's just that we just have different
insecurities. So it just comes out in different
ways for different people. Like I've said, there's
always a little bitch in each of us. That's just
a matter of degree and impact. I point to Musk
and Trump because the impact of their bitch assetry
is pretty big, given the kind of money and power
they have. But this type of bitch assetry exists
in some degree in all of us, and even, yes, in
me, right? I'll tell you one clear place where
I've been a bitch in this way. It's actually
in my dating and married life. I always wanted
to see myself as one of those people that genuinely
cared for others, the people that I dated. I
wanted to believe that I would never date someone
just to boost my own ego, to make me feel like
I was a shit. I wanted to believe that I was
the kind, genuine person that would only ask
someone out if they really wanted to build something
meaningful, not just for like some one night
stand. When it came to marriage and family life,
I believed myself to be a family man committed
to marriage and to parenthood. Seeing myself
in this way was important for me. It was important
for my sense of self, my own identity. So it
would make sense that if I did something that
jeopardized that view of myself, I would get
defensive. And boy, would I get defensive, right?
When a relationship of only a few months just
completely died, I would never take a second
to look at what I had done to let the relationship
die, right? I didn't bother to consider my part
in why things didn't work out because to do so
would mean that I have to consider that maybe
I had some part in this thing not working out,
right? Instead, I would just say some trope like,
oh, this is just how it is sometimes, or it just
wasn't the right fit, it wasn't the right person,
or maybe something else other than the fact that
maybe I neglected building a meaningful connection
or I got too complacent or something else that
I actually had some control over, right? And
the same thing carried out in married life as
well, right? That defensiveness was actually
even worse in married life, right? If I was being
financially irresponsible, it was my partner's
fault for getting worried about my spending or
it was my partner's fault for making me take
on these responsibilities even though the truth
is that like i i actually volunteered or maybe
even demanded that i handle those responsibilities
because i was more or less a control freak right
if my partner would get mad at me for not doing
something i said that i would do like let's say
fix a sink or do the laundry my mind would immediately
go to all the other things that i did for quote
unquote us Maybe to show her, but also to myself,
that I was still a good husband and did my part
in the relationship. And because my mind went
to those places, instead of addressing the thing
that I didn't do, The things that, you know,
I was responsible for. Right. My emotional response
was naturally like resentment towards the partner
for, you know, making me out to be this kind
of guy. Right. Which then would lead to all kinds
of fights because, you know, like. I'm feeling
resentful. That's going to seep out in some way.
It's going to lead me to say something that is
very mean, right? That leads to a response, right?
And then you get into a fight, right? When my
child would get frustrated with me, it was...
It was the same kind of story, right? It was
a child that was lacking self -control. It was
never my own action that contributed in any way
to their frustration, right? I think this is
a pretty common thing with a lot of parents,
right? Because it's hard. When you see a kid,
you see them as they're not a full -grown adult.
They're still lacking in a lot of ways. So it's
easy to kind of point the finger at them and
say like, hey, the kid is just not grown yet.
They need to grow up. But the reality is that
kids respond to other people, and especially
to their primary caregiver. They respond to nonverbal
cues, body language. They respond to whatever
it is that the parents are putting out there.
So a lot of times when they're frustrated, it
could, I'm not saying it definitely is, but it
could be because of something that I'm doing
to contribute to it, or at least making it worse.
But I couldn't allow myself to acknowledge my
part because if I did, it meant that I was being
a bad father, right? And so then what do I end
up doing? I end up being defensive. I deflect.
I basically try not to take responsibility for
my part in it. I point my finger at everything
else that could be an explanation or a reason
as to why things are turning out the way that
it is, why my kid is frustrated instead of something
that maybe I'm doing, right? So my mind, even
without trying, just puts up these mental blocks
that prevented me from even considering. looking
inward and acknowledging my responsibility in
all of this. And if the responsibility isn't
with me, well, there's only one other place the
responsibility can go. It'll be outwards, right?
So then I would tend to point my finger to my
partner, to my kid, to friends, to society, to
whatever else I can conjure up in my mind except
me, right? That's the whole point. I'm being
defensive. I'm trying to protect me. So it can't
be my fault. It has to be somebody else's. Or
the excuse better be good enough for everybody
else because I'm not the one responsible for
what happened. Look, we all have this. It just
looks different for everyone, but we all have
this. And the worst part is that we don't see
it because... We hide it from ourselves. It's
like this built -in mechanism where it's easy
for us to deny things to ourselves because it's
just hard to look in the mirror and try to acknowledge
the hard, cold reality that sometimes it's our
fault, right? So then the only ones that can
draw it out of others, sorry, draw it out of
us are other people who point it out, right?
It's like because we have a hard time seeing
ourselves kind of objectively, rationally, you
know, with clarity, the reality is that a lot
of times, not always, it depends on who you have
around you, but a lot of times other people probably
have a much clearer view of what's going on with
us, right? Or what it is that we're up to. But
even then, if we are in denial, right, then we
won't accept what others tell us. So it's like
a double whammy, right? It's like you can't accept
it because you can't acknowledge it to yourself,
but because you have a hard time acknowledging
it to yourself, even when other people point
it out, you still have a hard time accepting
that that's what's going on, right? And I think
here is where you see some cultural differences
based on ethnicity, gender, religion, probably
other factors. Look, everyone has some insecurities,
and it'll often play out in the way that I described
in some form or fashion, but the cultural difference
is that some are given the space to speak more
openly about these insecurities, to make them
more visible, not less visible, not to others,
but... to themselves, right? And other people
might just be there as a reflection point to
help us better see ourselves, right? I can name
some examples, right? Like women in the U .S.,
I think maybe globally, but I'm not sure. I'm
not a cultural anthropologist. Somebody else
could, you know, chime in on this, right? But
I usually found that women in the U .S., and
from my experience anyways, generally have been
far more open and honest in exploring and speaking
about their insecurities than men. I don't know
exactly why that is. You could ask a sociologist.
They probably have some explanation. But there
seems to be some difference. From personal experience,
certain religious spaces are better about getting
people to open up about their shortcomings, to
acknowledge their mistakes, taking responsibility
for themselves. If you grew up in a shame -based
Asian Christian community like the one I grew
up in under my dad, there was actually very little
space to be open about our insecurities. But
I've learned from my time at Villanova especially
and getting more familiar with the Catholic community
that at least in Catholicism, confession is like
a regular thing. It's good to confess. And so
it becomes almost like a daily, weekly practice
to confess. So there's a space that's created
for there to be a kind of openness without condemnation,
without judgment. that allows people to be able
to kind of explore or to be honest about whatever
it is that's going on within them, right? Instead
of pointing the finger outward, they could actually
take a look inward, right? A lot of men in the
U .S., across a range of other factors, right?
don't really have that space. Men often do support
and lift each other up with words of affirmation
and logistical help, at least from my experience,
right? My friends are great about it. If I'm
going through a tough time with my kid, I have
dads I could turn to that'll understand, provide
me with some encouraging words, maybe some advice,
right? And I think we all often confuse this
with a deeper kind of vulnerability, a deeper
kind of vulnerability. that's really required
to talk about deeper insecurities, right? I've
never heard a man talk to me about their insecurities
about their sex life. I am 100 % certain that
they're... at least some women talk to each other
about it. I actually know this for sure because
they've shared these things, right? That they
have these conversations with friends, right?
Sharing tips on what they can do or some insecurities
they experience in the process, right? Now, I'm
not saying that it's like a night and day difference,
right? Again, it comes in degrees. It depends
on exactly what specific community you're a part
of. But I also find that it is much less common
to have this sort of vulnerable conversations
among men. OK, I'm not saying that the talk that
women have with each other is necessarily good
or helpful. It could actually be traumatizing
and it could be to have negative impact. But
they do have the conversations. Right. And that's
the thing that I think have been missing, at
least in my conversations with most, let's say,
straight, you know, cisgender male. I don't know
what the proper labeling here will be. Right.
But my experience with men. Okay, never. I've
never heard of a man talk to each other about
their financial insecurities. That just never
happens. They'll seek out financial advice, right?
They'll try to share information with each other,
but they will never be vulnerable about struggles
that they're going through, right? Or feeling
like they weren't enough as a provider. These
are not the kinds of conversations I've ever
had. I've tried to elicit them, right? You know,
but the most I get is, you know, I hear men talk
about how they can make more money, heard a lot
of that, not about the feeling side of things
where they felt like they weren't enough. Maybe
they felt like they were falling short as a father
or a husband, right? Okay, I shouldn't say never,
but it's very rare. And that's a problem. It's
rare. It's extremely rare. And believe me, it
is a problem. You don't think it is? Let me ask
you. Why do so many men feel lonely and depressed?
Is it because there aren't other bros around
to do stuff together? No. I see men do shit together
all the time. In fact, it's actually quite easy
for men to connect on some dumb shit like love.
I mean, I remember I used to connect with guys
over when I was super into scotch, right? I was
like, dude, we could just connect over scotch.
Like, that's all it took. sports was an easy
one games were an easy one right like it didn't
take much for guys to get together and do stuff
together right but here's the thing doing shit
together isn't the same as being open with one
another there's a great skit from saturday night
live that you can look up yourself i'm not going
to link it here right but i think it's titled
like the straight male friend and the joke in
that skit is that the straight male friends are
easy to make because they're a low investment
in regards to your time and energy with zero
expectations of being open and sharing real feelings.
So it's like low emotional investment as well.
But the result is also that you don't get much
out of the relationship. That friend doesn't
even know your birthday, doesn't even know that
you have siblings, doesn't care that you'll be
gone for the next six months. And then you pick
up right where you left off the next time you
see them, just sitting together, doing stuff
together, eating food together, watching sports
together, and not once having to share real feelings
with each other. Look, loneliness is not the
same thing as solitude. You can be physically
alone, right? By yourself and not feel lonely
at all. I'm in solitude most of the day and I
don't feel lonely. You feel lonely when you don't
feel connected to another person in any intimate
way. And doing stuff together isn't the same
as building connections. This is a lesson that
I had to learn in reflecting on my past romantic
relationships, right? That we would do a bunch
of stuff together, but we're not really building
any sort of intimate connection with each other,
right? Understanding... who each other were,
what made each other tick, right? Our history
and our life experience that kind of informs
why we are the way that we are, right? Being
able to understand why your friend would feel
a certain way before they even said it, right?
If you know them really well, then you could
kind of sense how they might react to the kind
of different situations they face in life, right?
It can be the doing stuff together can be the
start starting point for building those connections,
but they're not the same thing. And until you
build real meaningful connections, you're going
to continue feeling lonely. You're going to feel
like there's no one who gets you, who truly understands
you or cares because just doing stuff together
doesn't lead you to feel that sort of deep, you
know, sense of being understood, being cared
for, being loved. You're going to feel like there's
no one who gets you, who truly understands you
or cares, but that's not a product of what others
did or didn't do. It's a product of you not putting
in the time and energy and having that reciprocated
in being vulnerable in the ways that are necessary
for you to not feel lonely. So then how do we
as men create space for us to be more open about
our insecurities so that... We don't hide it,
not just from the world, but from ourselves.
How do we get to a place where we can start acknowledging
our responsibility in any of this and not be
afraid to acknowledge responsibility because
we're not scared to hide from ourselves in this
way? The answer should be obvious. You need to
turn to other men, right? As members of a community,
we are responsible for that community. So I'm
speaking to other men here, right? If you're
a man or claim to be a man, who knows? You might
just be a bitch. Then you need to now step up
and live out the life of a man in your community.
And what I mean specifically is a community of
men. You and I need to do some part, take some
part in creating the space for men. I can't actually
tell you how to do this. And that's partly because
we all operate in different spaces. Your community
looks different than mine. I don't know if you're
right now listening in some rural area or in
the city, if you are surrounded by a certain
type of community or another that has its own
culture that's different than the one that I
am embedded in. You know your community better
than I do. So you'll know better what that community
will and won't be receptive to. Because the truth
is that you could create the space, but you can't
make people come, right? So you can't make men
be more open. You can only do your part in trying
to create some of these spaces where they feel
more comfortable being able to slowly move in
that direction. But again, what your community
feels comfortable with depends on your community,
right? And it's going to be, I'm not going to
judge, right? It's going to be to a different
degree depending on exactly where you're at.
But my guess is that it'll be some incremental
process. Maybe it starts with having a group
of men who first come together for some common
interests, like it could be video games or sports.
It honestly doesn't matter, right? So maybe you
start by doing stuff together maybe, okay? Then
slowly taking interest in each other's personal
lives. Right? And somebody has to do it, right?
That's why I always say, like, look, I'm talking
to the men in the room, not to the boys, because
it's going to be the men who have the capability
of stepping up in these cases. And so then the
men could step up and kind of, you know, model
that for others, you know, sharing a little bit
about your personal life. Then from those relationships,
maybe inquiring about what each of us are struggling
with. And then steering away from all this advice
-giving stuff, just actually talking about real
feelings. I imagine you'll need someone to, like
I said, step up and start the process of being
vulnerable and risk that embarrassment and putting
yourself out there, maybe even putting some of
your insecurities out there. You can take baby
steps. you know, something small to kind of get
things going. And then as people feel more comfortable
and connected, then you could try to dive a little
deeper. You can't just like, you know, do a trauma
dump on people on day one, right? It's probably
not all that different from what I get from students
who don't want to ask questions in class, I think.
This might be a strange analogy, but I think
it works for me, right? Because, you know, there's
students who are, like, not wanting to speak
up in class because they're worried that they
might look stupid. And I always tell them this,
right? Like, the one who asks questions, right,
who are bold enough to be the first ones to just
jump out there, they're the ones that are courageous.
They're the ones that we should all, I mean,
other students actually look up to them, right?
The truth is that whatever question the student
had, it was probably something that others were
thinking, but were too scared to ask. So it just
takes one or two people to just kind of take
some of these chances for everyone else to start
feeling comfortable to take those chances themselves,
right? Like we're like, I think most primates
are kind of like this, right? Where we learn
from watching other people do something rather
than from one. we are told that we should do,
right? So it helps to see someone take these
chances because then we start feeling more comfortable
taking these chances as well. I'm guessing in
a similar way, you're going to need at least
a few men to be brave enough to step out and
be willing to maybe even possibly make a fool
of themselves so that, you know, others can feel
more comfortable to be open and vulnerable in
this way. I personally was lucky enough to meet
men like this in my life. Even my dad in his
later years was a bit like this, right? But all
of this is bound to fail until we collectively
as men come to realize the importance of prioritizing
our role as men in a community, right? Nobody
here, at least not you're going to hear from
me, is going to tell you to not be a man in the
community. What I've been trying to do is not
to discourage you from being a man. What I've
been trying to encourage you to do is to be a
real man and not a bitch, all right? And being
a real man means being vulnerable in this way
and being the one to be courageous, to take a
step, be vulnerable, be willing to make a fool
of yourself, be willing to be hurt, not get the
best response from people around you in the hopes
that you can actually, you know, Create that
space where other people might start thinking,
hey, there's at least one person who's willing
to put themselves out there in this way. Maybe
it's something that I am able to do and I'm a
little less scared to do because I can see that
others have done it as well. And it's not the
end of the world. Each and every one of you is
needed. I can't stress this enough. You're needed
to be present and active in your community, needed
to be a better role model, needed to be healed
and grown, create this new culture that is better
for the newer generation of men. If you want
something more actionable, let me just make it
fairly simple, right? Ask yourself if you ever
have other men that you are close to, ones that
you think would be open to deepening the relationship
by being more open and vulnerable with each other.
then just be intentional in how you spend time
with each other, right? What I mean is don't
just plan activities together. At some point,
also speak to each other, right? Don't do stuff
just side by side. Just intentionally take time
to just speak to each other. So you might have
people that you've known for a really long time
that you feel very comfortable with. And it might
feel a little uncomfortable because you might
be breaking the mold of what you're used to doing
with them. actually face them and have a conversation
with them, right? Like go out for a brunch date
and have a real conversation about life. What
do you actually know about that person, right?
Do you actually know anything about their recent
struggles, their recent highs, their joys, right?
What about their family and personal history?
Do you check in with each other knowing that
they're going through something, right? You know,
how good does it feel if you get a call, somebody
just saying, hey, I'm thinking of you, I care
about you, I just want to see how you're doing.
You might be doing great, but I just wanted to,
you know, just hear from you, hear your voice.
How great does that feel, right? It could be
maybe even your neighbors, if it's not somebody
that you've known for a long time, but you've
encountered them, your acquaintances with them
have been for a while, right? You don't need
to do all this all the time, right? But at least
start, right? Make it a priority. And that's
all I'm saying, right? Make it a priority. Just
like you make work, family, finance, hobbies,
all these things a priority, make this a priority.
Make it a priority. And by making it a priority,
all I mean is that you're not passive about it,
right? You get off your ass and do something.
You join a club or activity. You create a chat
group. You set aside time and mental energy to
spend quality time with other men. I realized
as I was actually creating this, I didn't know
any of my neighbors, right? But I do see a bunch
of kids running around and know that some of
them go to the local public schools that are
within walking distance here. So I'm personally
working right now to get connected with them
and their parents to see if there's any way we
can support each other, especially the boys in
the neighborhood, knowing that each of us probably
have something different to offer. Maybe this
neighborhood can be one where people actually
know each other. That would be really nice, right?
I would love it if I knew the other dads in this
community, if only to talk about how dad life
is, right, both the highs and the lows, and then
just be there to have a listening ear of somebody
who knows what it's like to go through it, right?
But again, you need to do it, right? No one is
coming to save you. I don't know if I've said
this already, but I'm probably going to repeat
it again and again. No one is coming to save
you, and definitely not women, right? So if no
one else is coming to save you, then who's going
to have to do the work? You need to start taking
responsibility, right? Other men can create spaces
for you to participate, and they can do their
part, but even then, you need to participate.
You need to put yourself out there. You need
to take a step forward. You need to take chances.
And if there isn't that space available in your
circle, in your community, then you need to create
that space. You're responsible for yourself.
You're responsible for creating a community that
works for you. Let me add one final note on why
it's important that men take responsibility for
their own shit. As I have said, it's better for
men because they can... address their own loneliness
depression anxiety and so on right you'll also
probably feel a lot more empowered because you
can see what you need to work on and then work
on it instead of just living in denial right
like if you are in denial of the problem you're
not like what is it what is it in alcoholics
anonymous we said like the first step is to acknowledge
that you have a problem right like If you can't
see what's going on in you, that's the root of
the problem. You're not going to address it because
you're not even acknowledging the problem, right?
So one of the things that actually for me has
been very empowering, if anything, is acknowledging
my shortcomings because then I feel like, okay,
now that I know what the issue is, I feel a little
bit more in control of myself. I feel like there's
something I can actually do about it, right?
And yes, if you're taking responsibility for
your own decisions, you also don't push off consequences
of your bad decisions onto others. So there's
a lot of benefits to just taking ownership over
yourself, right? But there's still another benefit.
Like when you take responsibility for yourself,
you end up building up the people around you.
And this might be intentional or not, but this
is something that just kind of ends up happening,
right? How so? One of the ways we make people
feel less than right is by dismissing them by
ignoring or diminishing the significance of their
concerns complaints or contributions right but
here's the thing when we are willing to take
responsibility we put down those walls that automatically
come up to kind of protect ourselves from acknowledging
our shortcomings which means that we are more
likely to consider to make room for others, for
their thoughts and feelings. Or in other words,
like, look, we are less likely to shut other
people down, but instead willing to actually
hear them out, right? Like, look, one of the
things I talked about with regards to my own
experience, right, is in these relationships,
I had a hard time hearing criticism, right? Why?
Because I had my defenses up. But when the defenses
come down, it's much easier. to hear other people's
genuine concern, their grievances, why they're
hurt. I can actually hear what they're saying,
understand why they're feeling the way that they're
feeling, and acknowledge it instead of just dismissing
them because I don't have my defenses up. I'm
not saying you need to agree with everyone else,
but people generally feel terrible, low, insecure,
all kinds of ways when their thoughts and feelings
are just tossed aside like they don't matter,
right? That's the part that I think hurts a lot
of people. It's a different level of terrible
that you feel when you're dismissed in this way
than when somebody just simply disagrees with
you. When somebody disagrees with you, it's just
we disagree about something. You believe what
you believe. I believe what I believe. We don't
see eye to eye on something. It happens, right?
This is just like a natural part of life. We
have disagreements, right? But it's just a downright
awful feeling when somebody doesn't even consider.
what it is you have to say, right? They didn't
even consider it enough to disagree with you.
They just dismiss it outright from the very beginning,
right? Take the workplace as an example. How
many times have employees at companies complained
about feeling overlooked? Is this really just
about a paycheck? And my guess, honestly, is
that it's not, right? Employees feel like shit
when the management of that business don't value
their input. both good and bad, right? Like you
don't need to necessarily agree. Like the managers
don't have to do whatever it is that the employees
say that they should do, right? But the fact
that their input isn't even valued, it's like,
well, what am I to you and this company? I feel
like just like some object. That's what people
feel like, right? Good managers actually know
this, right? Good managers know that people want
to feel heard, that they want to feel like, you
know, what they had to say was taken seriously,
that they're contributing. to the overall goal
that the company might have. It's a big factor
in employee satisfaction. It's the same in relationships,
all relationships, right? People want their friends,
significant others, children, parents, to hear
them out, to take in what they have to say, to
give it due consideration. And it's hard to do
that if you have your defenses up, like if you're
constantly trying to defend against possible,
like, you know, slights against you, right? If
you're always just itching for a fight, you can't
hear what the other person actually has to say,
like good, bad, or otherwise, right? But if you're
the kind of person who is willing to accept responsibility,
then you welcome what other people have to say,
even if it doesn't always feel good. And when
you do that for others, then they feel seen and
heard, and it breaks down barriers instead of
building, breaks down these barriers, and instead
it just builds up, you know, connections. It
makes them feel like they were heard, feels like
they were heard specifically by you, right? And
whatever issue that they had, the fact that they
were at least heard, at least some of their feelings
are probably going to be resolved. I'll leave
you with this. I firmly believe that you will
see yourself differently and others will respond
to you differently when you take ownership of
yourself. This is what I've learned from years
of going to therapy and just seeing my life change
from making these sorts of adjustments. and I
firmly believe that you're capable of doing so.
I'm not going to lie to you. It's not easy. It's
hard as fuck because it means that you have to
look inward and dig up all the parts of you that
you don't like about yourself, and that is painful
as hell. I still have memories of the first few
years of therapy where I was digging through
all of my own shit, and there would be days I
would come home, and I just cried for hours and
then just passed out because my brain just like...
It was just so hard to kind of see myself honestly
in this way, to even be able to talk about myself
honestly in this way. But I believe that you
have the ability and the courage to do it. And
I can promise you that when you come out the
other end, you will be a better man for it. And
it's not just that you will feel it yourself,
it's that others will be able to see that as
well. Because you end up moving through life
differently. When you take full ownership of
yourself, you are really in control of yourself.
You're not being swayed and moved by the world,
but you are directing your life in the way that
you see fit. You take ownership of your own mistakes,
and people respect that, right? So you're going
to see other people respond to you differently
as well. And I can't stress this enough. You're
more than capable. And so I am genuinely excited
for the man you will become once you do make
it through that difficult process. I just hope
that you start that journey sooner rather than
later. Boys, other men are depending on it.