WEBVTT 00:00:34.030 --> 00:00:37.109 So last time, we turned our attention inward 00:00:37.109 --> 00:00:40.630 and focused on becoming more honest with ourselves. 00:00:41.530 --> 00:00:45.189 Sitting with our true feelings and tensions and 00:00:45.189 --> 00:00:49.070 past and maybe even present actions is really 00:00:49.070 --> 00:00:52.049 hard. It's not an easy thing to do at all, but 00:00:52.049 --> 00:00:55.289 if you can do it and just accept the reality 00:00:55.289 --> 00:00:59.090 of who you are in that moment, you'll also find 00:00:59.090 --> 00:01:01.600 something else. and that's going to be the topic 00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:03.479 for the day, you're going to find that you have 00:01:03.479 --> 00:01:07.659 a greater sense of ownership over yourself. What 00:01:07.659 --> 00:01:11.299 I mean by that is because you can sit with who 00:01:11.299 --> 00:01:13.599 you are, because you are no longer trying to 00:01:13.599 --> 00:01:17.000 fight or deny that this is who you are, because 00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:19.599 you've accepted it, you can now do something 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:23.599 about it. And it's that ability to now do something 00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:27.060 about it that gives you real power and a real 00:01:27.060 --> 00:01:31.069 sense of responsibility. Try my best to unpack 00:01:31.069 --> 00:01:35.650 this a bit. Think for a second of when you have 00:01:35.650 --> 00:01:38.329 tried to avoid responsibility. We've all had 00:01:38.329 --> 00:01:40.409 these moments, but let's just take an example. 00:01:41.469 --> 00:01:43.510 Let's say you were supposed to meet a friend 00:01:43.510 --> 00:01:47.450 at like 2 p .m. sharp. It was a really important 00:01:47.450 --> 00:01:49.689 appointment, and it was important that you be 00:01:49.689 --> 00:01:52.430 there on time. Both of you agreed to this. It 00:01:52.430 --> 00:01:54.909 was made very clear, the importance of it, that 00:01:54.909 --> 00:01:58.230 everyone needs to be there on time. But you show 00:01:58.230 --> 00:02:00.739 up an hour late. and didn't tell your friend 00:02:00.739 --> 00:02:03.379 that you'd be late. So you didn't give them a 00:02:03.379 --> 00:02:05.879 text or anything saying, hey, I'm running behind, 00:02:06.079 --> 00:02:10.080 right? Your friend is now angry at you for both 00:02:10.080 --> 00:02:15.020 being late and not giving him a heads up. Okay? 00:02:15.939 --> 00:02:19.939 Here's the reality. You're responsible for both 00:02:19.939 --> 00:02:21.819 of these things. You're responsible for being 00:02:21.819 --> 00:02:24.780 late and also not giving your friend a heads 00:02:24.780 --> 00:02:27.520 up, right? These are both things that, you know, 00:02:27.539 --> 00:02:32.259 you did that you had promised not to do, right? 00:02:33.209 --> 00:02:35.530 Or maybe it was implicitly promised, right? Your 00:02:35.530 --> 00:02:37.370 friend has every reason to be upset with you, 00:02:37.389 --> 00:02:39.069 right? Your friend was sitting there for an hour, 00:02:39.229 --> 00:02:42.969 not knowing what's happening, you know, time 00:02:42.969 --> 00:02:45.030 wasted, right? There's a lot of reasons for your 00:02:45.030 --> 00:02:46.729 friend to be upset with you. There's good reason, 00:02:46.830 --> 00:02:50.849 okay? If you were in a similar boat, you might 00:02:50.849 --> 00:02:54.250 feel the same way. Now, if you're trying to avoid 00:02:54.250 --> 00:02:57.229 that responsibility, you might make some excuse 00:02:57.229 --> 00:03:00.509 about how there was traffic or how your phone 00:03:00.509 --> 00:03:04.310 was on silent, you didn't hear the alarm. I don't 00:03:04.310 --> 00:03:07.550 know, like whatever the reason was that you did 00:03:07.550 --> 00:03:10.250 not show up on time and did not send a heads 00:03:10.250 --> 00:03:14.009 up message to your friend, right? Your first 00:03:14.009 --> 00:03:18.770 response, let's say, isn't to just accept responsibility, 00:03:19.009 --> 00:03:22.099 right? Just say that you screwed up. apologize, 00:03:22.099 --> 00:03:24.259 and then make an honest effort to be better about 00:03:24.259 --> 00:03:26.139 it in the future. Maybe find a way to make up 00:03:26.139 --> 00:03:29.840 for it, right? So why is that? Why is it that 00:03:29.840 --> 00:03:33.360 your first response isn't to just accept responsibility? 00:03:34.139 --> 00:03:37.479 Why is it that you're so keen on providing some 00:03:37.479 --> 00:03:41.060 explanation or a reason as to why you were late? 00:03:41.340 --> 00:03:43.240 A reason that you want your friend to just kind 00:03:43.240 --> 00:03:46.409 of accept, right? You want your friend to just 00:03:46.409 --> 00:03:50.509 be like, oh, I get it. Things happen. I understand. 00:03:51.110 --> 00:03:53.050 That's probably the response that you were hoping 00:03:53.050 --> 00:03:55.969 to get. So maybe this is an oversimplification, 00:03:56.069 --> 00:03:58.289 but my guess is that you don't want to accept 00:03:58.289 --> 00:04:03.150 that you screwed up. I think at the core of it, 00:04:03.189 --> 00:04:04.469 that's kind of what it is that you're looking 00:04:04.469 --> 00:04:06.449 for, right? You don't want your friend to believe 00:04:06.449 --> 00:04:08.370 you screwed up, or maybe you don't want to believe 00:04:08.370 --> 00:04:11.150 that about yourself. I mean, I don't know you, 00:04:11.270 --> 00:04:13.430 so I can't tell you what's going on in your own 00:04:13.430 --> 00:04:15.900 psyche, but... Let's run down the possibility 00:04:15.900 --> 00:04:19.439 of why it is that you're not just straightforwardly 00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:23.579 accepting responsibility for being late. One 00:04:23.579 --> 00:04:26.819 possibility is that you just don't want the consequences 00:04:26.819 --> 00:04:29.399 that come with dropping your responsibilities, 00:04:29.660 --> 00:04:33.579 right? But you have no problem with being irresponsible 00:04:33.579 --> 00:04:36.360 as if you don't even feel bad about it, in which 00:04:36.360 --> 00:04:41.009 case you're a fucking psychopath, okay? If you 00:04:41.009 --> 00:04:42.930 just don't care that you're being irresponsible, 00:04:43.329 --> 00:04:45.709 that other people are depending on you, and then 00:04:45.709 --> 00:04:47.529 you let them down, but you just don't care, right? 00:04:47.649 --> 00:04:50.230 Because you don't have any empathy. You're a 00:04:50.230 --> 00:04:52.550 psychopath. Okay. Second possibility is that 00:04:52.550 --> 00:04:55.050 you do feel bad. Okay. So you're not a complete 00:04:55.050 --> 00:04:57.370 psychopath, but you don't want to accept the 00:04:57.370 --> 00:05:00.470 consequences that come with your actions just 00:05:00.470 --> 00:05:03.139 because the consequences are not. Pleasant ones, 00:05:03.259 --> 00:05:05.180 right? Like it doesn't feel good for a friend 00:05:05.180 --> 00:05:08.560 to be mad at you. It doesn't feel good for, you 00:05:08.560 --> 00:05:11.800 know, somebody to express that to you. Maybe 00:05:11.800 --> 00:05:13.759 it doesn't feel good to try to make up for your 00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:16.740 mistakes because it costs you in some form or 00:05:16.740 --> 00:05:19.560 fashion, okay? In which case, you care more about 00:05:19.560 --> 00:05:23.060 what happens to you than accepting responsibility. 00:05:24.939 --> 00:05:27.379 Okay. Here's a third possibility. You're in denial 00:05:27.379 --> 00:05:29.800 and you don't think that you're responsible for 00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:32.439 what you did, even though every piece of evidence 00:05:32.439 --> 00:05:35.279 says otherwise, right? So like, even though there's 00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:36.699 a lot of things that you could have done differently 00:05:36.699 --> 00:05:40.360 that you didn't do, you just are in denial and 00:05:40.360 --> 00:05:42.019 say like, you know, it's not my responsibility 00:05:42.019 --> 00:05:44.860 to, you know, do all these things that I could 00:05:44.860 --> 00:05:46.879 have done to make sure that I wasn't late. Okay. 00:05:48.640 --> 00:05:51.399 I'm going to just assume that you're not a psychopath, 00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:53.879 so we could eliminate the first possibility. 00:05:54.259 --> 00:05:57.540 A genuine psychopath is fairly rare. They do 00:05:57.540 --> 00:06:01.339 exist, but I'm going to assume that you are not 00:06:01.339 --> 00:06:05.019 one of them. If you're in the second camp, so 00:06:05.019 --> 00:06:06.600 you feel bad, you just don't want to accept the 00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:13.000 consequences of your mistake. at least you acknowledge 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:14.720 that you screwed up, right? At least there's 00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:16.500 a part of you that acknowledges that, yes, you 00:06:16.500 --> 00:06:18.060 are responsible and then you screwed up. That 00:06:18.060 --> 00:06:21.160 tells me that you are at least aware of what 00:06:21.160 --> 00:06:25.000 you did, but still you're a little bit of a bitch 00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:27.579 for trying to escape responsibility. Here's why. 00:06:27.860 --> 00:06:31.560 When you don't do your part, when you don't handle 00:06:31.560 --> 00:06:33.639 your own responsibilities, your obligations, 00:06:33.879 --> 00:06:37.759 at the end of the day, somebody pays the cause. 00:06:37.800 --> 00:06:41.040 You fuck over somebody else. right? It's not 00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:43.600 always obvious and it's not always visible, but 00:06:43.600 --> 00:06:46.220 it's there, right? So like in this case, if you're 00:06:46.220 --> 00:06:47.879 late to this meeting with your friend without 00:06:47.879 --> 00:06:51.560 telling them, who ate the cost of your dropping 00:06:51.560 --> 00:06:53.379 the ball on this, right? It was your friend. 00:06:53.439 --> 00:06:55.379 Your friend was the one sitting around wasting 00:06:55.379 --> 00:06:58.259 their time waiting for you, not knowing, getting 00:06:58.259 --> 00:07:00.180 frustrated, like they're eating the emotional 00:07:00.180 --> 00:07:02.579 cost, they're eating the, you know, just the 00:07:02.579 --> 00:07:06.500 time wasted. If you don't do your part in a group 00:07:06.500 --> 00:07:09.740 project, that needs to meet a deadline who is 00:07:09.740 --> 00:07:11.620 the cause i mean there's always going to be someone 00:07:11.620 --> 00:07:13.639 right the other team members i have to now pick 00:07:13.639 --> 00:07:15.939 up the slack for you make sure to make sure the 00:07:15.939 --> 00:07:19.339 deadline's met um let's say if you don't discipline 00:07:19.339 --> 00:07:21.839 your kids by setting appropriate boundaries assuming 00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:24.180 you have kids right who ends up eating the cost 00:07:24.180 --> 00:07:26.560 the rest of society because now the rest of society 00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:28.759 has to deal with a psychopath that you've raised 00:07:28.759 --> 00:07:31.439 that just goes around violating everyone else's 00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:34.579 boundaries right there's never a time when somebody 00:07:34.579 --> 00:07:38.459 drops the ball on a responsibility And someone 00:07:38.459 --> 00:07:41.399 somewhere doesn't pay for it, right? There's 00:07:41.399 --> 00:07:44.720 always a cost to you. You're not doing your part, 00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:49.459 okay? It's just not that obvious all the time. 00:07:49.759 --> 00:07:51.060 You might have to think about it a little bit. 00:07:51.100 --> 00:07:52.620 But if you think about this for a second, you'll 00:07:52.620 --> 00:07:55.860 realize it's, I mean, I believe it's to a large 00:07:55.860 --> 00:07:59.430 degree true, right? Ideally, the person who is 00:07:59.430 --> 00:08:01.569 responsible should be the one paying the cost 00:08:01.569 --> 00:08:03.810 because they're the ones who should be taking 00:08:03.810 --> 00:08:06.910 ownership of whatever it is, the mess that they 00:08:06.910 --> 00:08:10.009 created, right? But if you avoid accepting the 00:08:10.009 --> 00:08:12.069 consequences of your decisions, of your behavior, 00:08:12.250 --> 00:08:16.129 then someone else is going to deal with the consequences. 00:08:16.810 --> 00:08:20.110 So when you don't accept your own responsibilities, 00:08:20.410 --> 00:08:22.810 like you don't take accountability for what you 00:08:22.810 --> 00:08:26.089 did as you did, and the consequences that come 00:08:26.089 --> 00:08:29.250 with it, pushing it off to somebody else right 00:08:29.250 --> 00:08:31.389 like that's essentially what you're doing is 00:08:31.389 --> 00:08:35.149 that you're you know you're saying hey i'm prioritizing 00:08:35.149 --> 00:08:39.190 myself and my own needs or desires or whatever 00:08:39.190 --> 00:08:41.750 it is that i want from life and i'm going to 00:08:41.750 --> 00:08:45.049 push over whatever it is at the cost of my screwing 00:08:45.049 --> 00:08:47.769 up or making mistakes or not taking care of the 00:08:47.769 --> 00:08:49.389 things i need to take care of i'm going to push 00:08:49.389 --> 00:08:52.929 it off onto someone else right you know who else 00:08:52.929 --> 00:08:55.850 does that that's right the first camp of people 00:08:55.850 --> 00:08:59.919 the psychopaths Okay, now it might not be to 00:08:59.919 --> 00:09:03.820 the same extent, but still there's a little bit 00:09:03.820 --> 00:09:07.779 of this psychopathy behavior. Okay, so not a 00:09:07.779 --> 00:09:11.200 real good option. Okay, the third camp. This 00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:14.059 is the camp of people who are in complete denial 00:09:14.059 --> 00:09:17.600 about the fact that they are responsible for 00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:20.620 whatever it is that all the evidence points to 00:09:20.620 --> 00:09:23.080 they're being responsible for. The third camp 00:09:23.080 --> 00:09:26.120 is where we get narcissistic bitch -assetry. 00:09:26.519 --> 00:09:31.620 Those deeply insecure bitches. They're such bitches 00:09:31.620 --> 00:09:33.559 that they don't even know that they're bitches. 00:09:34.120 --> 00:09:36.860 These are the Elon Musks and the Donald Trumps 00:09:36.860 --> 00:09:39.620 of the world. I genuinely believe that they believe 00:09:39.620 --> 00:09:42.399 that all the problems around them are the fault 00:09:42.399 --> 00:09:45.720 of others. Why do they believe that? Because 00:09:45.720 --> 00:09:48.820 acknowledging even the possibility that they 00:09:48.820 --> 00:09:50.940 might be responsible for any of the shit they 00:09:50.940 --> 00:09:54.759 create is just out of their mental capability, 00:09:55.019 --> 00:09:58.899 right? It's just too hard to acknowledge that 00:09:58.899 --> 00:10:01.960 maybe they screwed up. that maybe they didn't 00:10:01.960 --> 00:10:04.080 measure up to whatever standard they held themselves 00:10:04.080 --> 00:10:07.100 up to be, that maybe they're not as capable as 00:10:07.100 --> 00:10:11.399 what they want to believe themselves to be. They're 00:10:11.399 --> 00:10:13.740 in denial because it's too hard to acknowledge 00:10:13.740 --> 00:10:16.840 reality that maybe they screwed up and all the 00:10:16.840 --> 00:10:20.340 things that come with it. These are rooted, I'm 00:10:20.340 --> 00:10:23.220 guessing, in some insecurities about themselves. 00:10:24.090 --> 00:10:27.269 which is why they not only need to present themselves 00:10:27.269 --> 00:10:29.789 to the world as being awesome, but also need 00:10:29.789 --> 00:10:33.110 to see themselves in this way, right? Admitting 00:10:33.110 --> 00:10:35.490 it not only to other people, but admitting it 00:10:35.490 --> 00:10:37.549 to themselves is like a very difficult task, 00:10:37.610 --> 00:10:39.769 right? Admitting that they aren't the shit would 00:10:39.769 --> 00:10:41.870 be just too hard for them. Their brain would 00:10:41.870 --> 00:10:45.269 just melt down and wouldn't know what to do with 00:10:45.269 --> 00:10:48.279 that information, okay? So they go through life 00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:51.059 blaming other people and never accepting responsibility, 00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:53.899 not because they don't want to accept any consequences, 00:10:53.919 --> 00:10:57.019 but because they can't even bring themselves 00:10:57.019 --> 00:10:58.960 to acknowledge that they did anything wrong. 00:10:59.059 --> 00:11:02.919 That first step alone is just too hard. Now, 00:11:03.899 --> 00:11:07.019 I want to be clear. Everyone has a little bit 00:11:07.019 --> 00:11:09.039 of all three of these, I think, in them to some 00:11:09.039 --> 00:11:11.960 degree. OK, because the truth is that we all 00:11:11.960 --> 00:11:15.299 have some insecurities. We all don't want to 00:11:15.299 --> 00:11:17.360 accept consequences for the things that we've 00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:20.860 done. Right. Like these are all like comes in 00:11:20.860 --> 00:11:22.820 varying degrees with each person. Right. But 00:11:22.820 --> 00:11:24.940 there's always a little bit of this as part of 00:11:24.940 --> 00:11:27.360 the growing process. Children do this. You don't 00:11:27.360 --> 00:11:30.259 have to even teach children to try to hide from 00:11:30.259 --> 00:11:32.779 taking responsibility like they just naturally 00:11:32.779 --> 00:11:35.340 do it. It's a normal human thing to have some 00:11:35.340 --> 00:11:37.429 of this. Right. It's just that we just have different 00:11:37.429 --> 00:11:39.629 insecurities. So it just comes out in different 00:11:39.629 --> 00:11:42.389 ways for different people. Like I've said, there's 00:11:42.389 --> 00:11:44.429 always a little bitch in each of us. That's just 00:11:44.429 --> 00:11:47.110 a matter of degree and impact. I point to Musk 00:11:47.110 --> 00:11:50.269 and Trump because the impact of their bitch assetry 00:11:50.269 --> 00:11:52.950 is pretty big, given the kind of money and power 00:11:52.950 --> 00:11:55.549 they have. But this type of bitch assetry exists 00:11:55.549 --> 00:11:58.450 in some degree in all of us, and even, yes, in 00:11:58.450 --> 00:12:03.070 me, right? I'll tell you one clear place where 00:12:03.070 --> 00:12:05.230 I've been a bitch in this way. It's actually 00:12:05.230 --> 00:12:09.009 in my dating and married life. I always wanted 00:12:09.009 --> 00:12:12.769 to see myself as one of those people that genuinely 00:12:12.769 --> 00:12:16.409 cared for others, the people that I dated. I 00:12:16.409 --> 00:12:18.809 wanted to believe that I would never date someone 00:12:18.809 --> 00:12:22.049 just to boost my own ego, to make me feel like 00:12:22.049 --> 00:12:24.759 I was a shit. I wanted to believe that I was 00:12:24.759 --> 00:12:27.899 the kind, genuine person that would only ask 00:12:27.899 --> 00:12:30.480 someone out if they really wanted to build something 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:33.120 meaningful, not just for like some one night 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:36.620 stand. When it came to marriage and family life, 00:12:36.679 --> 00:12:39.320 I believed myself to be a family man committed 00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:42.340 to marriage and to parenthood. Seeing myself 00:12:42.340 --> 00:12:44.879 in this way was important for me. It was important 00:12:44.879 --> 00:12:48.559 for my sense of self, my own identity. So it 00:12:48.559 --> 00:12:50.980 would make sense that if I did something that 00:12:50.980 --> 00:12:53.809 jeopardized that view of myself, I would get 00:12:53.809 --> 00:12:56.769 defensive. And boy, would I get defensive, right? 00:12:56.809 --> 00:12:59.750 When a relationship of only a few months just 00:12:59.750 --> 00:13:02.169 completely died, I would never take a second 00:13:02.169 --> 00:13:05.429 to look at what I had done to let the relationship 00:13:05.429 --> 00:13:08.990 die, right? I didn't bother to consider my part 00:13:08.990 --> 00:13:12.110 in why things didn't work out because to do so 00:13:12.110 --> 00:13:14.090 would mean that I have to consider that maybe 00:13:14.090 --> 00:13:17.629 I had some part in this thing not working out, 00:13:17.690 --> 00:13:21.399 right? Instead, I would just say some trope like, 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:24.879 oh, this is just how it is sometimes, or it just 00:13:24.879 --> 00:13:27.100 wasn't the right fit, it wasn't the right person, 00:13:27.139 --> 00:13:30.460 or maybe something else other than the fact that 00:13:30.460 --> 00:13:32.960 maybe I neglected building a meaningful connection 00:13:32.960 --> 00:13:36.480 or I got too complacent or something else that 00:13:36.480 --> 00:13:39.340 I actually had some control over, right? And 00:13:39.340 --> 00:13:41.659 the same thing carried out in married life as 00:13:41.659 --> 00:13:43.460 well, right? That defensiveness was actually 00:13:43.460 --> 00:13:46.360 even worse in married life, right? If I was being 00:13:46.360 --> 00:13:49.240 financially irresponsible, it was my partner's 00:13:49.240 --> 00:13:51.580 fault for getting worried about my spending or 00:13:51.580 --> 00:13:54.120 it was my partner's fault for making me take 00:13:54.120 --> 00:13:56.480 on these responsibilities even though the truth 00:13:56.480 --> 00:13:59.179 is that like i i actually volunteered or maybe 00:13:59.179 --> 00:14:01.700 even demanded that i handle those responsibilities 00:14:01.700 --> 00:14:04.700 because i was more or less a control freak right 00:14:04.700 --> 00:14:07.240 if my partner would get mad at me for not doing 00:14:07.240 --> 00:14:09.580 something i said that i would do like let's say 00:14:09.580 --> 00:14:13.100 fix a sink or do the laundry my mind would immediately 00:14:13.100 --> 00:14:16.759 go to all the other things that i did for quote 00:14:16.759 --> 00:14:21.009 unquote us Maybe to show her, but also to myself, 00:14:21.110 --> 00:14:23.950 that I was still a good husband and did my part 00:14:23.950 --> 00:14:26.889 in the relationship. And because my mind went 00:14:26.889 --> 00:14:29.370 to those places, instead of addressing the thing 00:14:29.370 --> 00:14:34.500 that I didn't do, The things that, you know, 00:14:34.500 --> 00:14:37.879 I was responsible for. Right. My emotional response 00:14:37.879 --> 00:14:41.179 was naturally like resentment towards the partner 00:14:41.179 --> 00:14:45.340 for, you know, making me out to be this kind 00:14:45.340 --> 00:14:48.580 of guy. Right. Which then would lead to all kinds 00:14:48.580 --> 00:14:51.350 of fights because, you know, like. I'm feeling 00:14:51.350 --> 00:14:53.690 resentful. That's going to seep out in some way. 00:14:54.090 --> 00:14:56.330 It's going to lead me to say something that is 00:14:56.330 --> 00:14:59.909 very mean, right? That leads to a response, right? 00:14:59.970 --> 00:15:02.649 And then you get into a fight, right? When my 00:15:02.649 --> 00:15:05.230 child would get frustrated with me, it was... 00:15:06.009 --> 00:15:07.710 It was the same kind of story, right? It was 00:15:07.710 --> 00:15:09.870 a child that was lacking self -control. It was 00:15:09.870 --> 00:15:13.289 never my own action that contributed in any way 00:15:13.289 --> 00:15:15.389 to their frustration, right? I think this is 00:15:15.389 --> 00:15:16.649 a pretty common thing with a lot of parents, 00:15:16.750 --> 00:15:18.970 right? Because it's hard. When you see a kid, 00:15:19.110 --> 00:15:21.809 you see them as they're not a full -grown adult. 00:15:21.970 --> 00:15:23.870 They're still lacking in a lot of ways. So it's 00:15:23.870 --> 00:15:25.370 easy to kind of point the finger at them and 00:15:25.370 --> 00:15:28.970 say like, hey, the kid is just not grown yet. 00:15:28.990 --> 00:15:32.110 They need to grow up. But the reality is that 00:15:32.110 --> 00:15:35.649 kids respond to other people, and especially 00:15:35.649 --> 00:15:39.629 to their primary caregiver. They respond to nonverbal 00:15:39.629 --> 00:15:43.230 cues, body language. They respond to whatever 00:15:43.230 --> 00:15:44.629 it is that the parents are putting out there. 00:15:45.070 --> 00:15:47.909 So a lot of times when they're frustrated, it 00:15:47.909 --> 00:15:49.970 could, I'm not saying it definitely is, but it 00:15:49.970 --> 00:15:52.149 could be because of something that I'm doing 00:15:52.149 --> 00:15:54.350 to contribute to it, or at least making it worse. 00:15:55.460 --> 00:15:57.399 But I couldn't allow myself to acknowledge my 00:15:57.399 --> 00:16:00.600 part because if I did, it meant that I was being 00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:04.940 a bad father, right? And so then what do I end 00:16:04.940 --> 00:16:07.600 up doing? I end up being defensive. I deflect. 00:16:08.059 --> 00:16:10.860 I basically try not to take responsibility for 00:16:10.860 --> 00:16:13.679 my part in it. I point my finger at everything 00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:16.240 else that could be an explanation or a reason 00:16:16.240 --> 00:16:18.500 as to why things are turning out the way that 00:16:18.500 --> 00:16:22.440 it is, why my kid is frustrated instead of something 00:16:22.440 --> 00:16:26.200 that maybe I'm doing, right? So my mind, even 00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:28.759 without trying, just puts up these mental blocks 00:16:28.759 --> 00:16:31.809 that prevented me from even considering. looking 00:16:31.809 --> 00:16:34.870 inward and acknowledging my responsibility in 00:16:34.870 --> 00:16:37.690 all of this. And if the responsibility isn't 00:16:37.690 --> 00:16:39.789 with me, well, there's only one other place the 00:16:39.789 --> 00:16:42.590 responsibility can go. It'll be outwards, right? 00:16:42.710 --> 00:16:45.490 So then I would tend to point my finger to my 00:16:45.490 --> 00:16:48.649 partner, to my kid, to friends, to society, to 00:16:48.649 --> 00:16:51.289 whatever else I can conjure up in my mind except 00:16:51.289 --> 00:16:54.679 me, right? That's the whole point. I'm being 00:16:54.679 --> 00:16:57.620 defensive. I'm trying to protect me. So it can't 00:16:57.620 --> 00:16:59.899 be my fault. It has to be somebody else's. Or 00:16:59.899 --> 00:17:02.200 the excuse better be good enough for everybody 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:05.960 else because I'm not the one responsible for 00:17:05.960 --> 00:17:09.940 what happened. Look, we all have this. It just 00:17:09.940 --> 00:17:12.220 looks different for everyone, but we all have 00:17:12.220 --> 00:17:15.480 this. And the worst part is that we don't see 00:17:15.480 --> 00:17:18.650 it because... We hide it from ourselves. It's 00:17:18.650 --> 00:17:21.809 like this built -in mechanism where it's easy 00:17:21.809 --> 00:17:24.789 for us to deny things to ourselves because it's 00:17:24.789 --> 00:17:27.190 just hard to look in the mirror and try to acknowledge 00:17:27.190 --> 00:17:30.150 the hard, cold reality that sometimes it's our 00:17:30.150 --> 00:17:33.130 fault, right? So then the only ones that can 00:17:33.130 --> 00:17:36.769 draw it out of others, sorry, draw it out of 00:17:36.769 --> 00:17:39.470 us are other people who point it out, right? 00:17:39.750 --> 00:17:42.289 It's like because we have a hard time seeing 00:17:42.289 --> 00:17:46.839 ourselves kind of objectively, rationally, you 00:17:46.839 --> 00:17:51.000 know, with clarity, the reality is that a lot 00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:53.079 of times, not always, it depends on who you have 00:17:53.079 --> 00:17:55.400 around you, but a lot of times other people probably 00:17:55.400 --> 00:17:58.500 have a much clearer view of what's going on with 00:17:58.500 --> 00:18:01.680 us, right? Or what it is that we're up to. But 00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:05.960 even then, if we are in denial, right, then we 00:18:05.960 --> 00:18:10.140 won't accept what others tell us. So it's like 00:18:10.140 --> 00:18:12.579 a double whammy, right? It's like you can't accept 00:18:12.579 --> 00:18:14.720 it because you can't acknowledge it to yourself, 00:18:14.799 --> 00:18:16.960 but because you have a hard time acknowledging 00:18:16.960 --> 00:18:18.940 it to yourself, even when other people point 00:18:18.940 --> 00:18:21.059 it out, you still have a hard time accepting 00:18:21.059 --> 00:18:23.819 that that's what's going on, right? And I think 00:18:23.819 --> 00:18:27.660 here is where you see some cultural differences 00:18:27.660 --> 00:18:31.779 based on ethnicity, gender, religion, probably 00:18:31.779 --> 00:18:35.089 other factors. Look, everyone has some insecurities, 00:18:35.130 --> 00:18:37.650 and it'll often play out in the way that I described 00:18:37.650 --> 00:18:40.430 in some form or fashion, but the cultural difference 00:18:40.430 --> 00:18:43.970 is that some are given the space to speak more 00:18:43.970 --> 00:18:47.009 openly about these insecurities, to make them 00:18:47.009 --> 00:18:51.009 more visible, not less visible, not to others, 00:18:51.109 --> 00:18:53.480 but... to themselves, right? And other people 00:18:53.480 --> 00:18:55.940 might just be there as a reflection point to 00:18:55.940 --> 00:18:58.299 help us better see ourselves, right? I can name 00:18:58.299 --> 00:19:00.480 some examples, right? Like women in the U .S., 00:19:00.480 --> 00:19:03.619 I think maybe globally, but I'm not sure. I'm 00:19:03.619 --> 00:19:05.380 not a cultural anthropologist. Somebody else 00:19:05.380 --> 00:19:07.920 could, you know, chime in on this, right? But 00:19:07.920 --> 00:19:10.160 I usually found that women in the U .S., and 00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:13.099 from my experience anyways, generally have been 00:19:13.099 --> 00:19:15.539 far more open and honest in exploring and speaking 00:19:15.539 --> 00:19:19.690 about their insecurities than men. I don't know 00:19:19.690 --> 00:19:22.509 exactly why that is. You could ask a sociologist. 00:19:22.509 --> 00:19:24.970 They probably have some explanation. But there 00:19:24.970 --> 00:19:27.769 seems to be some difference. From personal experience, 00:19:28.029 --> 00:19:30.490 certain religious spaces are better about getting 00:19:30.490 --> 00:19:33.789 people to open up about their shortcomings, to 00:19:33.789 --> 00:19:38.430 acknowledge their mistakes, taking responsibility 00:19:38.430 --> 00:19:40.990 for themselves. If you grew up in a shame -based 00:19:40.990 --> 00:19:43.430 Asian Christian community like the one I grew 00:19:43.430 --> 00:19:46.650 up in under my dad, there was actually very little 00:19:46.650 --> 00:19:49.319 space to be open about our insecurities. But 00:19:49.319 --> 00:19:52.079 I've learned from my time at Villanova especially 00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:55.079 and getting more familiar with the Catholic community 00:19:55.079 --> 00:19:59.059 that at least in Catholicism, confession is like 00:19:59.059 --> 00:20:02.319 a regular thing. It's good to confess. And so 00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:05.880 it becomes almost like a daily, weekly practice 00:20:05.880 --> 00:20:10.079 to confess. So there's a space that's created 00:20:10.079 --> 00:20:14.740 for there to be a kind of openness without condemnation, 00:20:14.740 --> 00:20:18.380 without judgment. that allows people to be able 00:20:18.380 --> 00:20:21.819 to kind of explore or to be honest about whatever 00:20:21.819 --> 00:20:23.960 it is that's going on within them, right? Instead 00:20:23.960 --> 00:20:25.980 of pointing the finger outward, they could actually 00:20:25.980 --> 00:20:29.559 take a look inward, right? A lot of men in the 00:20:29.559 --> 00:20:32.619 U .S., across a range of other factors, right? 00:20:33.130 --> 00:20:37.650 don't really have that space. Men often do support 00:20:37.650 --> 00:20:40.369 and lift each other up with words of affirmation 00:20:40.369 --> 00:20:43.289 and logistical help, at least from my experience, 00:20:43.390 --> 00:20:45.349 right? My friends are great about it. If I'm 00:20:45.349 --> 00:20:47.670 going through a tough time with my kid, I have 00:20:47.670 --> 00:20:50.309 dads I could turn to that'll understand, provide 00:20:50.309 --> 00:20:53.869 me with some encouraging words, maybe some advice, 00:20:54.049 --> 00:20:57.329 right? And I think we all often confuse this 00:20:57.329 --> 00:21:01.549 with a deeper kind of vulnerability, a deeper 00:21:01.549 --> 00:21:03.049 kind of vulnerability. that's really required 00:21:03.049 --> 00:21:06.950 to talk about deeper insecurities, right? I've 00:21:06.950 --> 00:21:09.410 never heard a man talk to me about their insecurities 00:21:09.410 --> 00:21:12.309 about their sex life. I am 100 % certain that 00:21:12.309 --> 00:21:15.250 they're... at least some women talk to each other 00:21:15.250 --> 00:21:17.809 about it. I actually know this for sure because 00:21:17.809 --> 00:21:19.650 they've shared these things, right? That they 00:21:19.650 --> 00:21:21.109 have these conversations with friends, right? 00:21:21.130 --> 00:21:24.089 Sharing tips on what they can do or some insecurities 00:21:24.089 --> 00:21:26.250 they experience in the process, right? Now, I'm 00:21:26.250 --> 00:21:29.349 not saying that it's like a night and day difference, 00:21:29.549 --> 00:21:32.170 right? Again, it comes in degrees. It depends 00:21:32.170 --> 00:21:34.349 on exactly what specific community you're a part 00:21:34.349 --> 00:21:37.710 of. But I also find that it is much less common 00:21:37.710 --> 00:21:40.670 to have this sort of vulnerable conversations 00:21:40.670 --> 00:21:46.759 among men. OK, I'm not saying that the talk that 00:21:46.759 --> 00:21:48.779 women have with each other is necessarily good 00:21:48.779 --> 00:21:51.779 or helpful. It could actually be traumatizing 00:21:51.779 --> 00:21:54.140 and it could be to have negative impact. But 00:21:54.140 --> 00:21:56.400 they do have the conversations. Right. And that's 00:21:56.400 --> 00:21:58.359 the thing that I think have been missing, at 00:21:58.359 --> 00:22:02.359 least in my conversations with most, let's say, 00:22:02.440 --> 00:22:07.200 straight, you know, cisgender male. I don't know 00:22:07.200 --> 00:22:09.559 what the proper labeling here will be. Right. 00:22:09.640 --> 00:22:13.400 But my experience with men. Okay, never. I've 00:22:13.400 --> 00:22:14.980 never heard of a man talk to each other about 00:22:14.980 --> 00:22:17.480 their financial insecurities. That just never 00:22:17.480 --> 00:22:20.640 happens. They'll seek out financial advice, right? 00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:23.019 They'll try to share information with each other, 00:22:23.059 --> 00:22:26.019 but they will never be vulnerable about struggles 00:22:26.019 --> 00:22:28.819 that they're going through, right? Or feeling 00:22:28.819 --> 00:22:30.980 like they weren't enough as a provider. These 00:22:30.980 --> 00:22:33.079 are not the kinds of conversations I've ever 00:22:33.079 --> 00:22:36.859 had. I've tried to elicit them, right? You know, 00:22:36.859 --> 00:22:39.440 but the most I get is, you know, I hear men talk 00:22:39.440 --> 00:22:42.759 about how they can make more money, heard a lot 00:22:42.759 --> 00:22:46.500 of that, not about the feeling side of things 00:22:46.500 --> 00:22:50.380 where they felt like they weren't enough. Maybe 00:22:50.380 --> 00:22:53.359 they felt like they were falling short as a father 00:22:53.359 --> 00:22:56.200 or a husband, right? Okay, I shouldn't say never, 00:22:56.279 --> 00:22:59.039 but it's very rare. And that's a problem. It's 00:22:59.039 --> 00:23:03.319 rare. It's extremely rare. And believe me, it 00:23:03.319 --> 00:23:06.809 is a problem. You don't think it is? Let me ask 00:23:06.809 --> 00:23:10.549 you. Why do so many men feel lonely and depressed? 00:23:11.269 --> 00:23:13.829 Is it because there aren't other bros around 00:23:13.829 --> 00:23:18.470 to do stuff together? No. I see men do shit together 00:23:18.470 --> 00:23:21.509 all the time. In fact, it's actually quite easy 00:23:21.509 --> 00:23:24.170 for men to connect on some dumb shit like love. 00:23:24.289 --> 00:23:26.049 I mean, I remember I used to connect with guys 00:23:26.049 --> 00:23:28.410 over when I was super into scotch, right? I was 00:23:28.410 --> 00:23:30.130 like, dude, we could just connect over scotch. 00:23:30.529 --> 00:23:33.559 Like, that's all it took. sports was an easy 00:23:33.559 --> 00:23:36.920 one games were an easy one right like it didn't 00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:39.440 take much for guys to get together and do stuff 00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:42.160 together right but here's the thing doing shit 00:23:42.160 --> 00:23:45.119 together isn't the same as being open with one 00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:48.559 another there's a great skit from saturday night 00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:50.640 live that you can look up yourself i'm not going 00:23:50.640 --> 00:23:53.339 to link it here right but i think it's titled 00:23:53.339 --> 00:23:56.680 like the straight male friend and the joke in 00:23:56.680 --> 00:23:59.579 that skit is that the straight male friends are 00:23:59.579 --> 00:24:02.460 easy to make because they're a low investment 00:24:02.460 --> 00:24:06.180 in regards to your time and energy with zero 00:24:06.180 --> 00:24:08.799 expectations of being open and sharing real feelings. 00:24:08.819 --> 00:24:10.680 So it's like low emotional investment as well. 00:24:11.579 --> 00:24:13.900 But the result is also that you don't get much 00:24:13.900 --> 00:24:15.700 out of the relationship. That friend doesn't 00:24:15.700 --> 00:24:18.619 even know your birthday, doesn't even know that 00:24:18.619 --> 00:24:21.019 you have siblings, doesn't care that you'll be 00:24:21.019 --> 00:24:23.980 gone for the next six months. And then you pick 00:24:23.980 --> 00:24:25.720 up right where you left off the next time you 00:24:25.720 --> 00:24:27.319 see them, just sitting together, doing stuff 00:24:27.319 --> 00:24:30.099 together, eating food together, watching sports 00:24:30.099 --> 00:24:34.119 together, and not once having to share real feelings 00:24:34.119 --> 00:24:37.660 with each other. Look, loneliness is not the 00:24:37.660 --> 00:24:41.339 same thing as solitude. You can be physically 00:24:41.339 --> 00:24:45.380 alone, right? By yourself and not feel lonely 00:24:45.380 --> 00:24:48.259 at all. I'm in solitude most of the day and I 00:24:48.259 --> 00:24:51.640 don't feel lonely. You feel lonely when you don't 00:24:51.640 --> 00:24:54.200 feel connected to another person in any intimate 00:24:54.200 --> 00:24:57.819 way. And doing stuff together isn't the same 00:24:57.819 --> 00:25:03.190 as building connections. This is a lesson that 00:25:03.190 --> 00:25:06.109 I had to learn in reflecting on my past romantic 00:25:06.109 --> 00:25:08.990 relationships, right? That we would do a bunch 00:25:08.990 --> 00:25:12.990 of stuff together, but we're not really building 00:25:12.990 --> 00:25:15.289 any sort of intimate connection with each other, 00:25:15.369 --> 00:25:17.940 right? Understanding... who each other were, 00:25:18.099 --> 00:25:21.299 what made each other tick, right? Our history 00:25:21.299 --> 00:25:24.200 and our life experience that kind of informs 00:25:24.200 --> 00:25:27.640 why we are the way that we are, right? Being 00:25:27.640 --> 00:25:30.220 able to understand why your friend would feel 00:25:30.220 --> 00:25:34.000 a certain way before they even said it, right? 00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:36.359 If you know them really well, then you could 00:25:36.359 --> 00:25:39.500 kind of sense how they might react to the kind 00:25:39.500 --> 00:25:41.460 of different situations they face in life, right? 00:25:42.599 --> 00:25:44.799 It can be the doing stuff together can be the 00:25:44.799 --> 00:25:46.759 start starting point for building those connections, 00:25:46.920 --> 00:25:48.779 but they're not the same thing. And until you 00:25:48.779 --> 00:25:51.819 build real meaningful connections, you're going 00:25:51.819 --> 00:25:54.859 to continue feeling lonely. You're going to feel 00:25:54.859 --> 00:25:57.519 like there's no one who gets you, who truly understands 00:25:57.519 --> 00:26:01.140 you or cares because just doing stuff together 00:26:01.140 --> 00:26:06.220 doesn't lead you to feel that sort of deep, you 00:26:06.220 --> 00:26:08.559 know, sense of being understood, being cared 00:26:08.559 --> 00:26:11.210 for, being loved. You're going to feel like there's 00:26:11.210 --> 00:26:13.309 no one who gets you, who truly understands you 00:26:13.309 --> 00:26:15.890 or cares, but that's not a product of what others 00:26:15.890 --> 00:26:19.650 did or didn't do. It's a product of you not putting 00:26:19.650 --> 00:26:23.049 in the time and energy and having that reciprocated 00:26:23.049 --> 00:26:26.430 in being vulnerable in the ways that are necessary 00:26:26.430 --> 00:26:32.470 for you to not feel lonely. So then how do we 00:26:32.470 --> 00:26:36.509 as men create space for us to be more open about 00:26:36.509 --> 00:26:39.329 our insecurities so that... We don't hide it, 00:26:39.410 --> 00:26:40.829 not just from the world, but from ourselves. 00:26:41.210 --> 00:26:44.450 How do we get to a place where we can start acknowledging 00:26:44.450 --> 00:26:49.250 our responsibility in any of this and not be 00:26:49.250 --> 00:26:51.789 afraid to acknowledge responsibility because 00:26:51.789 --> 00:26:54.450 we're not scared to hide from ourselves in this 00:26:54.450 --> 00:26:58.369 way? The answer should be obvious. You need to 00:26:58.369 --> 00:27:02.089 turn to other men, right? As members of a community, 00:27:02.390 --> 00:27:06.299 we are responsible for that community. So I'm 00:27:06.299 --> 00:27:08.619 speaking to other men here, right? If you're 00:27:08.619 --> 00:27:11.220 a man or claim to be a man, who knows? You might 00:27:11.220 --> 00:27:14.740 just be a bitch. Then you need to now step up 00:27:14.740 --> 00:27:18.740 and live out the life of a man in your community. 00:27:19.000 --> 00:27:21.279 And what I mean specifically is a community of 00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:26.539 men. You and I need to do some part, take some 00:27:26.539 --> 00:27:30.420 part in creating the space for men. I can't actually 00:27:30.420 --> 00:27:35.029 tell you how to do this. And that's partly because 00:27:35.029 --> 00:27:37.509 we all operate in different spaces. Your community 00:27:37.509 --> 00:27:40.630 looks different than mine. I don't know if you're 00:27:40.630 --> 00:27:43.509 right now listening in some rural area or in 00:27:43.509 --> 00:27:46.450 the city, if you are surrounded by a certain 00:27:46.450 --> 00:27:49.190 type of community or another that has its own 00:27:49.190 --> 00:27:52.029 culture that's different than the one that I 00:27:52.029 --> 00:27:55.670 am embedded in. You know your community better 00:27:55.670 --> 00:27:59.349 than I do. So you'll know better what that community 00:27:59.349 --> 00:28:03.069 will and won't be receptive to. Because the truth 00:28:03.069 --> 00:28:05.430 is that you could create the space, but you can't 00:28:05.430 --> 00:28:12.309 make people come, right? So you can't make men 00:28:12.309 --> 00:28:14.930 be more open. You can only do your part in trying 00:28:14.930 --> 00:28:17.170 to create some of these spaces where they feel 00:28:17.170 --> 00:28:19.170 more comfortable being able to slowly move in 00:28:19.170 --> 00:28:22.490 that direction. But again, what your community 00:28:22.490 --> 00:28:24.289 feels comfortable with depends on your community, 00:28:24.410 --> 00:28:26.710 right? And it's going to be, I'm not going to 00:28:26.710 --> 00:28:28.549 judge, right? It's going to be to a different 00:28:28.549 --> 00:28:31.150 degree depending on exactly where you're at. 00:28:32.329 --> 00:28:34.970 But my guess is that it'll be some incremental 00:28:34.970 --> 00:28:38.109 process. Maybe it starts with having a group 00:28:38.109 --> 00:28:39.910 of men who first come together for some common 00:28:39.910 --> 00:28:41.750 interests, like it could be video games or sports. 00:28:41.869 --> 00:28:43.670 It honestly doesn't matter, right? So maybe you 00:28:43.670 --> 00:28:47.289 start by doing stuff together maybe, okay? Then 00:28:47.289 --> 00:28:49.950 slowly taking interest in each other's personal 00:28:49.950 --> 00:28:52.900 lives. Right? And somebody has to do it, right? 00:28:52.960 --> 00:28:55.440 That's why I always say, like, look, I'm talking 00:28:55.440 --> 00:28:58.119 to the men in the room, not to the boys, because 00:28:58.119 --> 00:29:00.460 it's going to be the men who have the capability 00:29:00.460 --> 00:29:04.700 of stepping up in these cases. And so then the 00:29:04.700 --> 00:29:07.059 men could step up and kind of, you know, model 00:29:07.059 --> 00:29:10.819 that for others, you know, sharing a little bit 00:29:10.819 --> 00:29:13.920 about your personal life. Then from those relationships, 00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:16.519 maybe inquiring about what each of us are struggling 00:29:16.519 --> 00:29:19.809 with. And then steering away from all this advice 00:29:19.809 --> 00:29:22.349 -giving stuff, just actually talking about real 00:29:22.349 --> 00:29:27.069 feelings. I imagine you'll need someone to, like 00:29:27.069 --> 00:29:29.109 I said, step up and start the process of being 00:29:29.109 --> 00:29:33.230 vulnerable and risk that embarrassment and putting 00:29:33.230 --> 00:29:36.190 yourself out there, maybe even putting some of 00:29:36.190 --> 00:29:38.450 your insecurities out there. You can take baby 00:29:38.450 --> 00:29:42.680 steps. you know, something small to kind of get 00:29:42.680 --> 00:29:45.220 things going. And then as people feel more comfortable 00:29:45.220 --> 00:29:47.339 and connected, then you could try to dive a little 00:29:47.339 --> 00:29:50.160 deeper. You can't just like, you know, do a trauma 00:29:50.160 --> 00:29:53.480 dump on people on day one, right? It's probably 00:29:53.480 --> 00:29:55.599 not all that different from what I get from students 00:29:55.599 --> 00:29:58.319 who don't want to ask questions in class, I think. 00:29:59.019 --> 00:30:01.079 This might be a strange analogy, but I think 00:30:01.079 --> 00:30:03.579 it works for me, right? Because, you know, there's 00:30:03.579 --> 00:30:05.039 students who are, like, not wanting to speak 00:30:05.039 --> 00:30:06.539 up in class because they're worried that they 00:30:06.539 --> 00:30:08.539 might look stupid. And I always tell them this, 00:30:08.660 --> 00:30:11.519 right? Like, the one who asks questions, right, 00:30:11.599 --> 00:30:13.539 who are bold enough to be the first ones to just 00:30:13.539 --> 00:30:16.519 jump out there, they're the ones that are courageous. 00:30:16.680 --> 00:30:18.420 They're the ones that we should all, I mean, 00:30:18.460 --> 00:30:20.180 other students actually look up to them, right? 00:30:20.879 --> 00:30:23.599 The truth is that whatever question the student 00:30:23.599 --> 00:30:26.000 had, it was probably something that others were 00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:29.319 thinking, but were too scared to ask. So it just 00:30:29.319 --> 00:30:31.740 takes one or two people to just kind of take 00:30:31.740 --> 00:30:33.380 some of these chances for everyone else to start 00:30:33.380 --> 00:30:35.680 feeling comfortable to take those chances themselves, 00:30:35.900 --> 00:30:38.619 right? Like we're like, I think most primates 00:30:38.619 --> 00:30:40.500 are kind of like this, right? Where we learn 00:30:40.500 --> 00:30:42.599 from watching other people do something rather 00:30:42.599 --> 00:30:45.289 than from one. we are told that we should do, 00:30:45.369 --> 00:30:48.029 right? So it helps to see someone take these 00:30:48.029 --> 00:30:49.930 chances because then we start feeling more comfortable 00:30:49.930 --> 00:30:53.950 taking these chances as well. I'm guessing in 00:30:53.950 --> 00:30:56.450 a similar way, you're going to need at least 00:30:56.450 --> 00:30:58.809 a few men to be brave enough to step out and 00:30:58.809 --> 00:31:01.390 be willing to maybe even possibly make a fool 00:31:01.390 --> 00:31:06.349 of themselves so that, you know, others can feel 00:31:06.349 --> 00:31:08.470 more comfortable to be open and vulnerable in 00:31:08.470 --> 00:31:11.789 this way. I personally was lucky enough to meet 00:31:11.789 --> 00:31:14.950 men like this in my life. Even my dad in his 00:31:14.950 --> 00:31:19.670 later years was a bit like this, right? But all 00:31:19.670 --> 00:31:23.230 of this is bound to fail until we collectively 00:31:23.230 --> 00:31:27.569 as men come to realize the importance of prioritizing 00:31:27.569 --> 00:31:31.789 our role as men in a community, right? Nobody 00:31:31.789 --> 00:31:33.390 here, at least not you're going to hear from 00:31:33.390 --> 00:31:36.630 me, is going to tell you to not be a man in the 00:31:36.630 --> 00:31:39.619 community. What I've been trying to do is not 00:31:39.619 --> 00:31:42.140 to discourage you from being a man. What I've 00:31:42.140 --> 00:31:43.920 been trying to encourage you to do is to be a 00:31:43.920 --> 00:31:47.000 real man and not a bitch, all right? And being 00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:49.359 a real man means being vulnerable in this way 00:31:49.359 --> 00:31:52.720 and being the one to be courageous, to take a 00:31:52.720 --> 00:31:55.380 step, be vulnerable, be willing to make a fool 00:31:55.380 --> 00:31:58.819 of yourself, be willing to be hurt, not get the 00:31:58.819 --> 00:32:01.859 best response from people around you in the hopes 00:32:01.859 --> 00:32:06.140 that you can actually, you know, Create that 00:32:06.140 --> 00:32:08.119 space where other people might start thinking, 00:32:08.259 --> 00:32:10.680 hey, there's at least one person who's willing 00:32:10.680 --> 00:32:13.240 to put themselves out there in this way. Maybe 00:32:13.240 --> 00:32:16.079 it's something that I am able to do and I'm a 00:32:16.079 --> 00:32:17.839 little less scared to do because I can see that 00:32:17.839 --> 00:32:21.359 others have done it as well. And it's not the 00:32:21.359 --> 00:32:23.960 end of the world. Each and every one of you is 00:32:23.960 --> 00:32:28.119 needed. I can't stress this enough. You're needed 00:32:28.119 --> 00:32:30.720 to be present and active in your community, needed 00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:33.299 to be a better role model, needed to be healed 00:32:33.299 --> 00:32:37.900 and grown, create this new culture that is better 00:32:37.900 --> 00:32:42.619 for the newer generation of men. If you want 00:32:42.619 --> 00:32:45.640 something more actionable, let me just make it 00:32:45.640 --> 00:32:49.559 fairly simple, right? Ask yourself if you ever 00:32:49.559 --> 00:32:52.420 have other men that you are close to, ones that 00:32:52.420 --> 00:32:54.579 you think would be open to deepening the relationship 00:32:54.579 --> 00:32:57.220 by being more open and vulnerable with each other. 00:32:58.419 --> 00:33:01.740 then just be intentional in how you spend time 00:33:01.740 --> 00:33:04.680 with each other, right? What I mean is don't 00:33:04.680 --> 00:33:08.339 just plan activities together. At some point, 00:33:08.359 --> 00:33:12.740 also speak to each other, right? Don't do stuff 00:33:12.740 --> 00:33:15.059 just side by side. Just intentionally take time 00:33:15.059 --> 00:33:17.380 to just speak to each other. So you might have 00:33:17.380 --> 00:33:19.079 people that you've known for a really long time 00:33:19.079 --> 00:33:22.759 that you feel very comfortable with. And it might 00:33:22.759 --> 00:33:24.299 feel a little uncomfortable because you might 00:33:24.299 --> 00:33:26.200 be breaking the mold of what you're used to doing 00:33:26.200 --> 00:33:29.029 with them. actually face them and have a conversation 00:33:29.029 --> 00:33:31.130 with them, right? Like go out for a brunch date 00:33:31.130 --> 00:33:35.970 and have a real conversation about life. What 00:33:35.970 --> 00:33:37.589 do you actually know about that person, right? 00:33:37.670 --> 00:33:39.569 Do you actually know anything about their recent 00:33:39.569 --> 00:33:43.329 struggles, their recent highs, their joys, right? 00:33:43.569 --> 00:33:45.690 What about their family and personal history? 00:33:46.519 --> 00:33:48.619 Do you check in with each other knowing that 00:33:48.619 --> 00:33:50.819 they're going through something, right? You know, 00:33:50.880 --> 00:33:52.799 how good does it feel if you get a call, somebody 00:33:52.799 --> 00:33:54.519 just saying, hey, I'm thinking of you, I care 00:33:54.519 --> 00:33:56.579 about you, I just want to see how you're doing. 00:33:56.619 --> 00:33:58.400 You might be doing great, but I just wanted to, 00:33:58.400 --> 00:34:01.240 you know, just hear from you, hear your voice. 00:34:01.460 --> 00:34:05.240 How great does that feel, right? It could be 00:34:05.240 --> 00:34:07.160 maybe even your neighbors, if it's not somebody 00:34:07.160 --> 00:34:08.659 that you've known for a long time, but you've 00:34:08.659 --> 00:34:10.519 encountered them, your acquaintances with them 00:34:10.519 --> 00:34:13.500 have been for a while, right? You don't need 00:34:13.500 --> 00:34:18.110 to do all this all the time, right? But at least 00:34:18.110 --> 00:34:20.289 start, right? Make it a priority. And that's 00:34:20.289 --> 00:34:23.710 all I'm saying, right? Make it a priority. Just 00:34:23.710 --> 00:34:26.469 like you make work, family, finance, hobbies, 00:34:26.610 --> 00:34:29.309 all these things a priority, make this a priority. 00:34:29.489 --> 00:34:32.489 Make it a priority. And by making it a priority, 00:34:32.590 --> 00:34:34.710 all I mean is that you're not passive about it, 00:34:34.730 --> 00:34:36.170 right? You get off your ass and do something. 00:34:36.849 --> 00:34:39.530 You join a club or activity. You create a chat 00:34:39.530 --> 00:34:42.650 group. You set aside time and mental energy to 00:34:42.650 --> 00:34:45.440 spend quality time with other men. I realized 00:34:45.440 --> 00:34:49.559 as I was actually creating this, I didn't know 00:34:49.559 --> 00:34:52.340 any of my neighbors, right? But I do see a bunch 00:34:52.340 --> 00:34:53.960 of kids running around and know that some of 00:34:53.960 --> 00:34:56.340 them go to the local public schools that are 00:34:56.340 --> 00:34:58.880 within walking distance here. So I'm personally 00:34:58.880 --> 00:35:01.119 working right now to get connected with them 00:35:01.119 --> 00:35:03.619 and their parents to see if there's any way we 00:35:03.619 --> 00:35:06.000 can support each other, especially the boys in 00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:08.900 the neighborhood, knowing that each of us probably 00:35:08.900 --> 00:35:12.250 have something different to offer. Maybe this 00:35:12.250 --> 00:35:13.969 neighborhood can be one where people actually 00:35:13.969 --> 00:35:15.789 know each other. That would be really nice, right? 00:35:15.929 --> 00:35:18.829 I would love it if I knew the other dads in this 00:35:18.829 --> 00:35:21.909 community, if only to talk about how dad life 00:35:21.909 --> 00:35:25.889 is, right, both the highs and the lows, and then 00:35:25.889 --> 00:35:28.050 just be there to have a listening ear of somebody 00:35:28.050 --> 00:35:29.809 who knows what it's like to go through it, right? 00:35:30.230 --> 00:35:32.949 But again, you need to do it, right? No one is 00:35:32.949 --> 00:35:37.440 coming to save you. I don't know if I've said 00:35:37.440 --> 00:35:39.059 this already, but I'm probably going to repeat 00:35:39.059 --> 00:35:42.159 it again and again. No one is coming to save 00:35:42.159 --> 00:35:46.300 you, and definitely not women, right? So if no 00:35:46.300 --> 00:35:48.780 one else is coming to save you, then who's going 00:35:48.780 --> 00:35:50.619 to have to do the work? You need to start taking 00:35:50.619 --> 00:35:53.599 responsibility, right? Other men can create spaces 00:35:53.599 --> 00:35:56.820 for you to participate, and they can do their 00:35:56.820 --> 00:35:59.219 part, but even then, you need to participate. 00:36:00.250 --> 00:36:02.389 You need to put yourself out there. You need 00:36:02.389 --> 00:36:04.130 to take a step forward. You need to take chances. 00:36:04.250 --> 00:36:06.489 And if there isn't that space available in your 00:36:06.489 --> 00:36:09.570 circle, in your community, then you need to create 00:36:09.570 --> 00:36:11.829 that space. You're responsible for yourself. 00:36:12.150 --> 00:36:15.349 You're responsible for creating a community that 00:36:15.349 --> 00:36:20.809 works for you. Let me add one final note on why 00:36:20.809 --> 00:36:23.550 it's important that men take responsibility for 00:36:23.550 --> 00:36:26.869 their own shit. As I have said, it's better for 00:36:26.869 --> 00:36:30.739 men because they can... address their own loneliness 00:36:30.739 --> 00:36:33.500 depression anxiety and so on right you'll also 00:36:33.500 --> 00:36:36.420 probably feel a lot more empowered because you 00:36:36.420 --> 00:36:39.500 can see what you need to work on and then work 00:36:39.500 --> 00:36:41.440 on it instead of just living in denial right 00:36:41.440 --> 00:36:45.739 like if you are in denial of the problem you're 00:36:45.739 --> 00:36:48.400 not like what is it what is it in alcoholics 00:36:48.400 --> 00:36:50.599 anonymous we said like the first step is to acknowledge 00:36:50.599 --> 00:36:53.739 that you have a problem right like If you can't 00:36:53.739 --> 00:36:57.059 see what's going on in you, that's the root of 00:36:57.059 --> 00:36:59.679 the problem. You're not going to address it because 00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:02.179 you're not even acknowledging the problem, right? 00:37:02.260 --> 00:37:05.699 So one of the things that actually for me has 00:37:05.699 --> 00:37:09.440 been very empowering, if anything, is acknowledging 00:37:09.440 --> 00:37:12.659 my shortcomings because then I feel like, okay, 00:37:12.719 --> 00:37:15.780 now that I know what the issue is, I feel a little 00:37:15.780 --> 00:37:18.099 bit more in control of myself. I feel like there's 00:37:18.099 --> 00:37:19.599 something I can actually do about it, right? 00:37:20.269 --> 00:37:23.349 And yes, if you're taking responsibility for 00:37:23.349 --> 00:37:26.730 your own decisions, you also don't push off consequences 00:37:26.730 --> 00:37:29.449 of your bad decisions onto others. So there's 00:37:29.449 --> 00:37:32.210 a lot of benefits to just taking ownership over 00:37:32.210 --> 00:37:34.409 yourself, right? But there's still another benefit. 00:37:34.530 --> 00:37:36.469 Like when you take responsibility for yourself, 00:37:36.650 --> 00:37:40.210 you end up building up the people around you. 00:37:40.670 --> 00:37:43.130 And this might be intentional or not, but this 00:37:43.130 --> 00:37:44.550 is something that just kind of ends up happening, 00:37:44.590 --> 00:37:47.309 right? How so? One of the ways we make people 00:37:47.309 --> 00:37:52.210 feel less than right is by dismissing them by 00:37:52.210 --> 00:37:55.230 ignoring or diminishing the significance of their 00:37:55.230 --> 00:37:59.489 concerns complaints or contributions right but 00:37:59.489 --> 00:38:01.730 here's the thing when we are willing to take 00:38:01.730 --> 00:38:05.949 responsibility we put down those walls that automatically 00:38:05.949 --> 00:38:09.570 come up to kind of protect ourselves from acknowledging 00:38:09.570 --> 00:38:14.050 our shortcomings which means that we are more 00:38:14.050 --> 00:38:17.980 likely to consider to make room for others, for 00:38:17.980 --> 00:38:21.460 their thoughts and feelings. Or in other words, 00:38:21.519 --> 00:38:23.219 like, look, we are less likely to shut other 00:38:23.219 --> 00:38:26.280 people down, but instead willing to actually 00:38:26.280 --> 00:38:30.260 hear them out, right? Like, look, one of the 00:38:30.260 --> 00:38:31.960 things I talked about with regards to my own 00:38:31.960 --> 00:38:33.440 experience, right, is in these relationships, 00:38:33.679 --> 00:38:35.880 I had a hard time hearing criticism, right? Why? 00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:38.940 Because I had my defenses up. But when the defenses 00:38:38.940 --> 00:38:43.420 come down, it's much easier. to hear other people's 00:38:43.420 --> 00:38:46.679 genuine concern, their grievances, why they're 00:38:46.679 --> 00:38:48.159 hurt. I can actually hear what they're saying, 00:38:48.260 --> 00:38:50.179 understand why they're feeling the way that they're 00:38:50.179 --> 00:38:53.440 feeling, and acknowledge it instead of just dismissing 00:38:53.440 --> 00:38:56.619 them because I don't have my defenses up. I'm 00:38:56.619 --> 00:38:59.019 not saying you need to agree with everyone else, 00:38:59.159 --> 00:39:02.940 but people generally feel terrible, low, insecure, 00:39:03.099 --> 00:39:06.019 all kinds of ways when their thoughts and feelings 00:39:06.019 --> 00:39:08.420 are just tossed aside like they don't matter, 00:39:08.539 --> 00:39:12.179 right? That's the part that I think hurts a lot 00:39:12.179 --> 00:39:16.119 of people. It's a different level of terrible 00:39:16.119 --> 00:39:18.539 that you feel when you're dismissed in this way 00:39:18.539 --> 00:39:20.860 than when somebody just simply disagrees with 00:39:20.860 --> 00:39:22.860 you. When somebody disagrees with you, it's just 00:39:22.860 --> 00:39:25.420 we disagree about something. You believe what 00:39:25.420 --> 00:39:26.960 you believe. I believe what I believe. We don't 00:39:26.960 --> 00:39:29.360 see eye to eye on something. It happens, right? 00:39:29.480 --> 00:39:31.159 This is just like a natural part of life. We 00:39:31.159 --> 00:39:35.340 have disagreements, right? But it's just a downright 00:39:35.340 --> 00:39:39.159 awful feeling when somebody doesn't even consider. 00:39:39.929 --> 00:39:42.889 what it is you have to say, right? They didn't 00:39:42.889 --> 00:39:45.190 even consider it enough to disagree with you. 00:39:45.230 --> 00:39:47.449 They just dismiss it outright from the very beginning, 00:39:47.570 --> 00:39:51.289 right? Take the workplace as an example. How 00:39:51.289 --> 00:39:53.210 many times have employees at companies complained 00:39:53.210 --> 00:39:56.389 about feeling overlooked? Is this really just 00:39:56.389 --> 00:39:59.150 about a paycheck? And my guess, honestly, is 00:39:59.150 --> 00:40:01.730 that it's not, right? Employees feel like shit 00:40:01.730 --> 00:40:04.949 when the management of that business don't value 00:40:04.949 --> 00:40:07.820 their input. both good and bad, right? Like you 00:40:07.820 --> 00:40:09.360 don't need to necessarily agree. Like the managers 00:40:09.360 --> 00:40:10.920 don't have to do whatever it is that the employees 00:40:10.920 --> 00:40:13.599 say that they should do, right? But the fact 00:40:13.599 --> 00:40:17.320 that their input isn't even valued, it's like, 00:40:17.460 --> 00:40:22.539 well, what am I to you and this company? I feel 00:40:22.539 --> 00:40:24.400 like just like some object. That's what people 00:40:24.400 --> 00:40:26.639 feel like, right? Good managers actually know 00:40:26.639 --> 00:40:28.860 this, right? Good managers know that people want 00:40:28.860 --> 00:40:31.519 to feel heard, that they want to feel like, you 00:40:31.519 --> 00:40:33.159 know, what they had to say was taken seriously, 00:40:33.280 --> 00:40:36.789 that they're contributing. to the overall goal 00:40:36.789 --> 00:40:39.929 that the company might have. It's a big factor 00:40:39.929 --> 00:40:42.070 in employee satisfaction. It's the same in relationships, 00:40:42.250 --> 00:40:44.409 all relationships, right? People want their friends, 00:40:44.550 --> 00:40:46.769 significant others, children, parents, to hear 00:40:46.769 --> 00:40:49.449 them out, to take in what they have to say, to 00:40:49.449 --> 00:40:52.349 give it due consideration. And it's hard to do 00:40:52.349 --> 00:40:54.309 that if you have your defenses up, like if you're 00:40:54.309 --> 00:40:57.150 constantly trying to defend against possible, 00:40:57.289 --> 00:41:01.119 like, you know, slights against you, right? If 00:41:01.119 --> 00:41:02.619 you're always just itching for a fight, you can't 00:41:02.619 --> 00:41:04.420 hear what the other person actually has to say, 00:41:04.460 --> 00:41:07.519 like good, bad, or otherwise, right? But if you're 00:41:07.519 --> 00:41:09.940 the kind of person who is willing to accept responsibility, 00:41:10.239 --> 00:41:12.880 then you welcome what other people have to say, 00:41:12.960 --> 00:41:16.199 even if it doesn't always feel good. And when 00:41:16.199 --> 00:41:19.039 you do that for others, then they feel seen and 00:41:19.039 --> 00:41:21.840 heard, and it breaks down barriers instead of 00:41:21.840 --> 00:41:24.659 building, breaks down these barriers, and instead 00:41:24.659 --> 00:41:29.420 it just builds up, you know, connections. It 00:41:29.420 --> 00:41:32.119 makes them feel like they were heard, feels like 00:41:32.119 --> 00:41:36.039 they were heard specifically by you, right? And 00:41:36.039 --> 00:41:38.619 whatever issue that they had, the fact that they 00:41:38.619 --> 00:41:41.519 were at least heard, at least some of their feelings 00:41:41.519 --> 00:41:44.800 are probably going to be resolved. I'll leave 00:41:44.800 --> 00:41:47.559 you with this. I firmly believe that you will 00:41:47.559 --> 00:41:50.800 see yourself differently and others will respond 00:41:50.800 --> 00:41:53.199 to you differently when you take ownership of 00:41:53.199 --> 00:41:55.360 yourself. This is what I've learned from years 00:41:55.360 --> 00:41:58.360 of going to therapy and just seeing my life change 00:41:58.360 --> 00:42:03.820 from making these sorts of adjustments. and I 00:42:03.820 --> 00:42:05.599 firmly believe that you're capable of doing so. 00:42:06.260 --> 00:42:08.900 I'm not going to lie to you. It's not easy. It's 00:42:08.900 --> 00:42:11.920 hard as fuck because it means that you have to 00:42:11.920 --> 00:42:13.860 look inward and dig up all the parts of you that 00:42:13.860 --> 00:42:16.000 you don't like about yourself, and that is painful 00:42:16.000 --> 00:42:19.099 as hell. I still have memories of the first few 00:42:19.099 --> 00:42:21.079 years of therapy where I was digging through 00:42:21.079 --> 00:42:23.500 all of my own shit, and there would be days I 00:42:23.500 --> 00:42:26.519 would come home, and I just cried for hours and 00:42:26.519 --> 00:42:29.639 then just passed out because my brain just like... 00:42:29.690 --> 00:42:33.530 It was just so hard to kind of see myself honestly 00:42:33.530 --> 00:42:36.190 in this way, to even be able to talk about myself 00:42:36.190 --> 00:42:39.730 honestly in this way. But I believe that you 00:42:39.730 --> 00:42:42.630 have the ability and the courage to do it. And 00:42:42.630 --> 00:42:44.710 I can promise you that when you come out the 00:42:44.710 --> 00:42:48.489 other end, you will be a better man for it. And 00:42:48.489 --> 00:42:50.989 it's not just that you will feel it yourself, 00:42:51.210 --> 00:42:53.349 it's that others will be able to see that as 00:42:53.349 --> 00:42:56.150 well. Because you end up moving through life 00:42:56.150 --> 00:42:58.429 differently. When you take full ownership of 00:42:58.429 --> 00:43:02.409 yourself, you are really in control of yourself. 00:43:02.590 --> 00:43:05.170 You're not being swayed and moved by the world, 00:43:05.230 --> 00:43:08.250 but you are directing your life in the way that 00:43:08.250 --> 00:43:11.789 you see fit. You take ownership of your own mistakes, 00:43:11.949 --> 00:43:14.530 and people respect that, right? So you're going 00:43:14.530 --> 00:43:16.090 to see other people respond to you differently 00:43:16.090 --> 00:43:19.289 as well. And I can't stress this enough. You're 00:43:19.289 --> 00:43:22.860 more than capable. And so I am genuinely excited 00:43:22.860 --> 00:43:25.860 for the man you will become once you do make 00:43:25.860 --> 00:43:28.519 it through that difficult process. I just hope 00:43:28.519 --> 00:43:31.320 that you start that journey sooner rather than 00:43:31.320 --> 00:43:35.880 later. Boys, other men are depending on it.