So quick recap. Last time I talked about the
concept of a high value man and how it plays
on some underdeveloped sense of self that you
leave your true self behind and instead put on
whatever mask you need in order to fit the society
or whoever else it is from which you're seeking
some sort of affirmation. That alone is a big
step. If you've done that, now we can have the
real talk about what it looks like. like to be
a man okay um at least how i laid it out to the
implication i think is fairly straightforward
being a man is being of real value not perceived
to be a value and it's not being about better
or worse than anybody but rather focusing on
your own kind of demands of yourself your vision
for yourself The focus here is just overall inward,
right? Into self -perception, into self -worth,
into self -appraisal. The hardest part of starting
this journey, though, is that it honestly sucks
to look inward. It's hard, like really, really
hard. And it's hard primarily because it's hard
as hell to look at ourselves honestly. Sometimes
just physically through an actual mirror, that's
already hard sometimes. but also emotionally
through a mirror to our souls or something like
that. If you were lucky enough to have people
in your life that were supportive of you and
give you space to be yourself and embrace and
love you as you are and walked through life together
with you to help you work on your flaws or weaknesses
and also encourage you. you know, and pointed
out all the great things that you are, then you'll
probably have an easier time doing this. But
if you're like me, this shit's going to be hard.
It's just going to be hard yet. Even here, like
so soon that you had all these wonderful things
going for you, where maybe you've already done
some sort of self reflection. Even here, though,
I think it helps to get professional help. I'm
talking about therapists. If you don't have one,
go get you one, a good one. It's hard to find
a good therapist. And essentially, well, it's
especially hard if you want to open up to a male
therapist since there's a real shortage in those.
But you need somebody to talk to, somebody to
explore with you how you genuinely feel and think,
to be open, to take risks without feeling like
you might be shamed or shunned. from a community
right look it's hard being vulnerable as it is
but when you're doing it with friends family
or in the public arena there's genuine risk involved
right like real risk and there's i think a good
reason that people don't want to open up to just
anybody right apart from reacting negatively
to what you say may be just as bad as if they
react in an unhelpful way, right? So for example,
suppose I wanted to talk to a friend about feeling
severely depressed, so much so that I have trouble
getting out of bed in the morning, I never get
anything done, I'm wasting away, and I smell
terrible because I don't shower. I'm sure they
try to cheer me up. Maybe one of them would offer
some advice like, hey, workout, exercise will
make you feel better, or maybe they'll try to
take my mind off of it by switching topics to
something else. Or suggest we do something together,
something that I used to find fun, like maybe
bowling, because they know that I love bowling.
I can see that they care, but if you've ever
been somebody who's depressed and in this sort
of really deep depressive state, their response
is not helpful in the least bit, at least these
kinds of responses. And definitely not how a
quality therapist would, I think, respond. And
that makes sense. Your friends aren't trained
for this kind of talk. They mean well, they care,
and that's also part of what makes it all the
more worse. I can see that they're trying, and
because they care, I feel like, oh man, I feel
even worse that I don't feel better, and everything
that they're saying is actually making me feel
worse. It makes me feel unseen, I feel more alone,
I feel just like they don't get it, right? So
to help me explore what I feel, to help me better
understand it, Where it comes from, I need to
have a different kind of discussion that I think
the professionals are kind of best equipped for.
Now, I want to be clear. Yes, I am supporting
getting a therapist, but no, this is not my primary
point. I'm not here just advocating for getting
a therapist. Getting professional help is one
way, one of many, in our learning to be comfortable
and looking at ourselves honestly. Because at
the end of the day, that's really the goal. However
which way you get there, there's a lot of different
ways of getting there. There's a lot of different
things that will contribute to your being able
to get there. Seeing a therapist is one. That's
why I believe in the importance of seeing a therapist,
just because I think there's some benefits that
you don't get from, say, friends and family and
community. But those are also necessary as well,
right? So having a good social support network
really helps you in better understanding yourself,
like people who actually care and aren't going
to be judging and shunning you, but rather trying
to kind of help you unpack whatever it is that
you're going through. So this is why I promote
therapy, but again, it's not the only way. So
you don't necessarily need one, but I think it
is super duper helpful. In fact, I think usually
when I hear people say like, I don't need a therapist,
I usually respond with only people who think
that they don't need a therapist needs a therapist,
right? Because I think once you've done enough
of like looking inward, you realize both just
how difficult it is and just the ways in which
I think everyday people are may or may not be
helpful. But again, like, I don't know your circle
of friends. I don't know if you have people around
you who are just very, very good at it because
they are emotionally mature themselves and have
worked on themselves or because, you know, some
people are just kind of inclined in this way,
even from a very young age, have sort of a deep,
you know, a lot of deep feelings and have good
intuitions about how other people might be feeling
and knowing how to connect with them, right?
But the point is this. Everyone needs space to
be honest with themselves. And you cannot mature
until you find that space for yourself. Let me
try to explain it with an analogy. I'm really
going to try to drive home this point of just
how important it is, but also some of the struggles
that come with it. If you're trying to solve
a math problem and you got the math problem wrong
and you're trying to fix it, one of the most
unhelpful things to do is to just dismiss it
and say to yourself, I'll get it next time. I
just had a brain fart this time. Made a dumb
mistake. I work with students on learning all
the time, and this is one of the comments I get
from students sometimes when they realize that
they messed up or made a mistake here or there.
Now, it might be true that you just had a brain
fart, but suppose you get similar types of problems
wrong again and again and again. So now we're
seeing that there's a clear pattern. This isn't
just a one -off. It's not just a momentary brain
fart. There's something that you're not getting
or not doing that's leading to your making these
mistakes fairly consistently. Maybe not always,
but enough that we can notice that there's some
kind of a pattern. But you won't be able to address
the root of the problem unless you take a hard
look at what you're doing, right? You need to...
Figure out where it is that you're going off
track because if you don't, you're not going
to diagnose the problem correctly and you're
not going to actually fix it, right? Life is
full of these types of problems. Look, if I keep
going into debt every month, I can tell myself
that I just had a bad week or a bad month, made
some bad decisions this time around, but next
month I'm going to get it right, right? Again,
yeah, it might be just a one -off. And if that's
what the track record actually shows, if that's
what reality actually shows, that's one thing.
But if this is a regular occurrence and I'm constantly
in the red, I'm like every month I'm going further
and further into debt, right? Then there's something
deeper going on with my spending habits, with
my saving habits, habits with the way that I'm
treating my finances, whether it is that or I'm
not earning enough, right? Like if it's not...
If I don't actually get to the root of the problem,
I'm not going to actually fix the problem. I'm
going to continuously go into debt. I could try
to do all the patchwork stuff I want to do, but
it won't make a difference because the root of
it, the real source of the reason that I'm going
into debt, is never addressed. What is the issue?
What needs to be fixed? That's something for
everyone to figure out for themselves. Everyone
is going to be different. Everyone has a different
life story. Everyone is wired differently. Everyone
has a different temperament. I don't know you.
I don't even know who any of my listeners are.
I don't know any of you. You need to figure it
out for yourself or to be able to find people
who can help you figure out what it is that's
actually going on. Similarly, if you want to
grow up, if you want to mature, If you want to
be a better version of yourself, the place to
start is to figure out the root of what's leading
to all the problems in your life. You can try
to blame the world around you, and maybe from
time to time, that is the problem. Maybe it's
something that the world has done unto you. I'm
not going to deny structural societal problems.
I'm a big proponent of trying to address these
sort of societal issues that are plaguing entire
communities. Unfortunately, that's not something
you can control. You can try to work to improve
those things, but you're not like a dictator
here that can suddenly, with a snap of a finger,
fix all these problems. All you can do is you
can control what's under your control, which
is you. And that'll be the negative patterns,
the negative cycles within your life. It's not
something that others can address for you. Others
can help you see what's going on, but it's something
that only you can address because it's your life.
And you won't be able to do it unless you are
willing, and this is the hard part, unless you're
willing to take a good hard look at yourself
and identify the root cause of why it is that
you're doing the kinds of things that you're
doing that are harmful to you. It could be cognitively,
emotionally, physically. What is it that you're
doing that's contributing to your life going
the way that, you know, you don't necessarily
want it to, right? What is leading to you not
learning lessons, right? It's going to be probably,
my guess would be you're not addressing the root
issue, okay? This is true of every aspect of
yourself, right? From your physical health, to
your education, to work success, to romantic
life. So you look, all of it, okay? Let me give
you some examples from my own life, right? Just
to give you a sense of like what this might look
like. For the longest time, I had a hard time
being in a long -term relationship, maybe any
relationship now that I think about it. I had
a fairly healthy dating life, especially back
in college and not too long after, but it didn't
necessarily lead to anything meaningful, right?
And I do remember that at the time, I would just
say to myself things like, oh, that's just because
I didn't really like them all that much, or maybe,
you know, I'm just focused on other things right
now, so I'm not... going to be too invested in
this. Or maybe I might tell myself sometimes
like, look, it just wasn't the right person.
And when I find the right person, I'll know.
All these were actually, for me anyways, I don't
know about you, but for me, all these things
that I was saying to myself, it was masking what
was actually going on underneath, right? There
was no relationship that developed because everything
that I was doing in my dating life didn't allow
for a real relationship to develop because a
real relationship requires you to have some sort
of more intimate connection with the person that
you're with. And the problem was that I rarely,
if ever, spent time trying to develop those connections,
mainly because both I didn't know how and I was
anxious about trying. So I didn't create that
space for me to be able to gain something deeper
than the initial attraction that I had with them.
So I didn't bother to ask. to find out what made
that person tick, to find out more about their
past experience in life, how that informs what
kind of person they are today, what kind of,
you know, dreams they have and what they, you
know, envision for their life, the ins and outs
of their values, you know. Instead, I learned
a bunch of shallow little things like their favorite
place to shop or food to eat. I honestly spent
most of my dating life just doing things like
going to places, having new experiences together.
And sure, those shared experience is nice and
can spark some connection. It's not nothing.
But I also wasn't learning anything about the
person. And they weren't learning anything about
me because I wasn't sharing any of it, right?
Did I give us the space to have that kind of
talk, right? It's not as if we had moments where
we're like just sit down over dinner and just
have really deep conversations. And it wasn't
because like it was not possible at all, but
there was something in me that was stopping me
from going there, from having those conversations,
whether it was my own anxiety or, you know, just
me not having actually taken the time. to think
through like what it might actually look like
to develop a deeper connection with somebody,
right? That's not even a thought that entered
into my head. So I had a blind spot. I didn't
even know that this is something I was doing
in many cases, right? So there was a reason that
my dating life would go for like two, three months
at most and then fade away. And it wasn't an
accident. Like it was by design. It was based
at least in part by something that I was doing.
It was something that I was doing. And that's
what I'm pointing out. Look, if there's something
in your life that is a consistent pattern, then
it's probably, at least in part, having something
to do with something you're doing. Nothing's
going to change unless you do something different.
So if we're talking about growing up, not being
a bitch and growing up into a real man, then
one of the things you're going to have to at
least... develop at least a fundamental thing
you're going to have to start doing quite regularly
to get better at it is to take a moment to really
slow down and process what it is that you're
doing noticing patterns in your life and instead
of being a bitch and running away from it taking
the time to try to actually address what it is
that's going on in your life now everyone has
different issues everyone's struggling with something
different everyone has different sort of patterns
I don't know what it is for you, but my point
is that we're going to have to take the time
to go ahead and actually figure it out, right?
To not run away from it, to actually be willing
to address it, right? Here's another example.
Whenever I was anxious or depressed, I would
tell myself that it was a phase, a period that
will come and go like any other feeling, right?
I just need to ride out the wave, right? I think
a lot of this actually, this way of thinking
comes from my parents. I remember my parents,
especially my dad, thought that I had like phases
of being really angry and then really depressed.
And he would always say that it was a phase,
it'll go away. My mom often did this too. Like
she would always like any, especially like when
I was. sad or depressed or you know whatever
it was she would try to distract me and get me
to try to be happy right away um or if i was
anxious she would just tell me that there's no
reason to be anxious and to try to get me to
feel differently right the goal was always like
let's get you to move past this right let's not
deal with it let's just try to get you to move
past it right so That sort of way of thinking
about things kind of creeped into my own life.
And so the goal was always to get me to stop
feeling the way I was feeling because it wasn't
a good feeling, right? It doesn't feel good to
be depressed. It doesn't feel good to be angry,
right? It doesn't feel good to be anxious. These
are not pleasant feelings, right? So in that
way, I would try to cheer myself up when I was
down. And when I was anxious, I tried not to
think about it and distract myself. I was using
the coping mechanisms, if you want to call it
that, that I had learned from my parents. Of
course, to some degree, these strategies worked,
right? And that sometimes I might find some momentary
relief. But that's the thing. Even though I had
convinced myself that these feelings went away,
it never really did because those feelings were
never addressed. It found its way out in all
sorts of other ways. And overeating, excessive
drinking, being reckless with my spending, oversleeping,
neglecting responsibilities, like, I can try
to ignore my feelings as much as I want. Those
feelings, however, do its own thing, right? They
don't go away because I want them to. No, in
fact, they find their way out in far more harmful
and destructive ways. The point, again, is simple,
right? Before you can actually fix whatever is
ailing you, you need to take a hard look at yourself
and be honest about what's going on, including
your intentions, your values, your desires, your
actions, your history, your mistakes, all of
it. Without taking this first step, everything
after is just worthless because whatever it is
that you're doing, you're not actually addressing
what needs to be addressed. So the reason I'm
stressing this point of being honest with yourself
so much is that if you're like me, you're probably
the type to look quickly for a solution without
really understanding the problem. Because I'll
be honest, it's easier to give some half -assed
diagnosis where you don't have to deal with your
real feelings and then move on to just trying
a bunch of shit to try to fix a problem. Diagnosing
the problem in yourself is emotionally hard.
So it's much easier to just jump straight into
problem solving mode. But again, because you're
not addressing the actual problem, you're going
to keep facing the same issue again and again
and again. It's like doing constant patchwork
to stop all these tiny leaks when you need to
first stop the giant source of the leak. But
it's far less painful to focus on patching up
these little leaks. than to address the giant
elephant in the room, right? The big leak that
is leading to everything else, right? I want
you and I to never forget the importance of slowing
down and first identifying the root of the problem.
No matter how hard it is, you need to accept
that there's no way to fix a problem without
a proper diagnosis. I need for all of us to stop
living in denial because that denial just means
that you're not going to fix what's broken in
you. And when we have broken men raising broken
boys, what we end up with is just another generation
of broken men. I personally want to stop this
cycle, at least insofar as I could in my circle
of family and my children, my child, I should
say, and the children around me, right? That
cycle won't stop unless we each do our part to
start being honest with ourselves. All right?
Okay. So far, I haven't really given you anything
actionable other than go see a therapist. But
look, I think there's a way that we can help
each other be more honest with ourselves. Okay?
So let me direct my attention to the men that
already have the maturity to be honest with themselves.
Please. I want you, if you aren't doing this
already, to be open, to be vulnerable, and do
it with a louder voice than other men in whatever
platform you have. We just need more men to start
being a lot more vulnerable. We need men to demonstrate
what it might look like and to show that it's
not the end of the world. It's not the scariest
thing. It could be done. But at least creating
that culture makes it a little bit more comfortable.
Again, we learn from seeing what people do, not
from what they say. And we need to see more men
being vulnerable, men who are not defensive but
can sit with the good and the bad and the ugly
in them, and be able to show other men that it's
okay to have some shortcomings, to be able to
love your flawed self. There's a friend that
I have that now lives in South Carolina, I think,
actually I'm not completely sure now, now that
I say it out loud, who I had gotten into contact
with when I was lonely and depressed. And this
was, I hadn't talked to him in like... you know
years and then i got into contact just right
around this time in my life when i was going
through a really bad depressive episode um and
he was very very open about his feelings he was
kind of like always like this uh to a large degree
i mean i thought i was fairly open but i realized
now that i was probably just more impulsive and
just blurted stuff out and i wouldn't necessarily
call that open now um but i realized that i was
actually hiding quite a bit of my true self from
myself as well as from others right But he would
tell me things that honestly made me feel super
uncomfortable, right? He would say things like,
I love you, right? Or he would call or text me
just to check up on me. And I don't know if I
actually told him directly, but I was super weirded
out at first, right? It was like overwhelming
for me. It was like too much, right? It was so
much that I needed to take a break from it all.
Sometimes I would just kind of like try to avoid
or maybe like... Have like, you know, some distance.
It's like, oh, man, that's just weird. I don't
know how to feel about that, right? I hope he
knows that all the care and openness that he's
shown me, it wasn't for nothing, right? You know,
there wasn't like some immediate impact, right?
I think too often we think that fixes could be,
fixes need to happen like right away. But sometimes
that's not really how it works. And especially
with something like this, right? I think his
being that open with me. um just being so direct
about how he feels and sharing himself with me
right like sharing the things the struggles that
he's going through with me right i didn't respond
well but he had the courage to continuously share
and to be open and i think there was something
about that that allowed me to feel a lot more
comfortable with realizing like hey this is not
the end of the world i mean i'm a little bit
weirded out But I also don't hate it, and I don't
want to shame him for it, and I don't want to
cut him off from my life for it. So I think one
of the things that it helped to do, to be able
to see somebody do this with me in real time,
was that it started opening up the doors for
me to be a lot more open when I'm going into
a therapy session or when I'm with even my own
friends. It made me want to believe that it was
possible because I saw somebody who's able to
do it just fine. And, you know, able to move
through life just fine. Like, people don't hate
him or anything. Like, they love him, right?
Okay, so what did that really do for me? It gave
me a blueprint. It gave me a blueprint for how
I could be. It opened up a world of possibility
because, you know, like, sometimes you hear people
tell you do X, Y, and Z. I do this often. I tell
people to do X, Y, and Z. But honestly, like,
people don't operate like that. Being told what
to do. being given advice or something like people
don't follow it this is why self -help books
usually don't work right you could say you could
tell people all the things that they should be
doing you might even be right but they need a
reason to actually do it and one of the ways
in which i found for myself and for the people
i engage with like they find much more motivation
in trying something or doing something when they
see other people do it so If you are one of these
guys, I'm sure that you're probably doing it
already. But I also want to encourage you to
keep doing it and do more of it. It's in part
because I think once I've started becoming much
more open, one of the things that I found is
that I also kind of coil back and withdraw from
the world to some degree. And that's in part
because there isn't really... for me anyways,
it's been hard to find a male community, a group
of guys to hang out with where a large swath
of them are open in this way. It's actually very,
very hard. Once you become a dad, for some odd
reason, it actually becomes a little bit harder.
Why? Because you got all these other responsibilities
and then so like you often tend to forget to
prioritize yourself and to prioritize these kinds
of relationships. As you age, you need to find
new friends, right? That's the other thing that
also happens, right? So once you become a dad,
like this is like a common thing that a lot of
dads talk to me about, right? That we'd share
with each other, right? Which is you look for
other dads as friends, right? Like that's the
stage of life you're in. So a lot of your conversations
become about, you know, parenthood, kids and
all that, right? So... In these moments, it becomes
very hard to actually be open because sometimes
it might be because you're meeting new people,
you're trying to feel them out, you want to see
if it's okay. But as I said, it's always hard.
Even the people who are good at this stuff, it's
always hard because there's always a danger because
you don't know how people are going to respond
to you. You don't know if people are going to
be accepting of you or if they're going to judge
you or if they're going to talk down to you or
it might have real tangible consequences, right?
It might mean, you know, impact on your business,
on your finances. It could be impact on your
relationships, on, you know, relationships for
your kids, right? If you have family, like, you
know, it could sour relationships in other ways,
right? So there's real risk. So I understand
that it's really hard. So I think it's important
to at least acknowledge that there are men who
are able to do this, and I just want to encourage
you to just keep on doing it. But I think even
if you're not good at this, or maybe you feel
like you're not great at this, I just want to
encourage you to let you know that it's just
a skill set like any other that anybody can learn.
And I like to think of it kind of like... plumbing
or housework you know like i became a house you
know a homeowner not too long ago and you know
since then i have uh you know it's not a nice
home that i have purchased there's a lot of issues
with it so as a result i have become very familiar
with home depot and youtube videos on how to
fix a bunch of random stuff because you know
paying somebody to do it tends to be very expensive
right um and you know in the beginning it was
super scary It was super scary because I had
no idea what I was doing. I was afraid I was
going to blow something up. And then, boom, there
goes everything that I put, all the money that
I put into this thing, right? So it's scary.
And so you're taking like low risk. You're like,
okay, let me do this project that looks a lot
easier, that is not electrical wiring, so I don't
burn or blow anything up. Let me not deal with
the gas, you know, anything with the gas furnace
or anything like that. Let me deal with simple
things that I know, you know, is low stake, right?
Great. Start with the low stake stuff. Right.
Because honestly, that's how we learn. We don't
learn by, you know, I mean, I understand that
some people do this where they throw their kids
into the deep end of the pool and tell them to
figure it out. But a lot of us learn in, you
know, in a progressive way. Right. We learn a
little bit. Right. The low risk stuff. And then
we feel comfortable with it. So we challenge
ourselves and do something a little bit more
difficult. And then as we get better at it, we
feel more confident and we do more and more of
it. That's kind of how it is for me. I needed
somebody who I could talk to that I saw as, here's
an example of somebody who can be very open in
this way, who can share and really explore themselves
openly to show what it looks like. But it doesn't
have to be that. The one rule really is you need
to have people you can talk to that aren't going
to... judge or shame you and here's one of the
things i think i really like about men is that
most of the men at least the ones that i've encountered
rarely are judgmental they're very open they're
very accepting i'll talk about this you know
another time but i think maybe a little bit too
much in that direction sometimes they're a little
bit too forgiving of things that they maybe shouldn't
be so forgiving of but i find that if anything
men tend to be Quite accepting. Now, they might
still rip on you and make fun of you, but there's
just something about the male culture where,
you know, that's a sign of affection. It's a
weird way of showing affection. So I want to
just point out, like, it's perfectly fine to
do it, you know, take little baby steps, you
know, do it little by little. But I want to encourage
you because I think that men are better at this
than they give themselves credit for, right?
And if you're like me and you have a lot of men
in your life, like boys that you grew up with
or people that you've developed friendships with
over the years, you'd be surprised at just how
much they want to be there for you. A lot of
times it might just be that they don't know how.
And you might be feeling this way. I think it
might be helpful for all of you to kind of talk
about it and to, you know, as I'm sure your inclination
probably is, to be forgiving of one another when
they don't meet up. meet some sort of the quality
of interaction that you might have envisioned
as the ideal. It doesn't have to be that. It
could just be starting off by sharing some stuff
about yourself to each other. But you can't really
be honest with yourself without also being honest
with other people. I think they kind of go hand
in hand. I don't know which one came first, like
chicken or the egg, right? I don't know which
comes first. What I do know is that they feed
off of each other. So being open and honest with
others about your heart, about your struggles,
about all of what's going on in you, right? That
actually helps for you to feel confident and
being more honest with yourself because now you
realize it's safe. But also, as you become more
honest with yourself, you would realize that,
hopefully, you'll realize that it's okay. to
be who you are and so you're not as worried about
how other people are going to respond and you're
much more open as you talk to other people okay
um look there's been a lot said of boys being
taught not to cry and the kind of damage that
does to their emotional health and then stuff
along these lines right it's not really that
boys you know, have feelings and should be allowed
to express them. I mean, it is, but it's not
quite the point. I think that's kind of like,
that would be missing the point, right? Being
able to cry outwardly is really a genuine expression
of a boy's inner self, right? They want to cry
because that's how they feel. When we shut that
off or we tell them to shut that off, what we're
doing really is teaching boys to disconnect from
who they are. to be dishonest with themselves,
to tell themselves lies. I mentioned the example
of the kind of coping mechanisms that my parents
left me with, which is a lot of denying how I'm
feeling, right? Or dismissing how I'm feeling.
Like, I'm angry. I have a good reason to be angry.
But instead of talking about why it is that I'm
angry, it's just, let's ride it out and let's
let biology do its thing. And, you know, eventually
that's going to calm down and you're not going
to be angry anymore, right? As if the feelings
and why it is I felt the way that I did really
doesn't matter. It's more a matter of time and
letting my body run its course or something along
those lines. That's dishonesty. That's dishonesty
with myself. So if this is what you've been given
and utilizing for most of your life, That's going
to be your go -to in your toolbox, and as a result,
you're going to continuously be dishonest with
yourself. But as I've said, being dishonest with
yourself in this way, it's not addressing anything,
and this is part of the reason that you don't
grow. This is part of the reason you don't mature.
You never actually get to the root of the problem,
and all you're doing is you're doing patchwork
on things that you can't patch in the way that
you think you can. So again, it's this dishonesty
that prevents us from getting to the root of
what ails us. When you understand this deeper
point, You should see why it's important that
we create a space, men, that we create a space
for each other to be our most authentic self.
So I have zero problems with men getting together
to have, you know, men time, right? Doing men
things, right? But men, I hope that, you know,
when you do get together, that you start doing
at least some of this for each other. That is,
create some space where men can be their most
authentic self. Allow them. to be honest with
you and honest about the things that honestly,
a lot of men from my experience don't want to
be honest about, which is the things that are
difficult and hard. It's easy to share the things
that, you know, like your successes and, you
know, moments of joy. It's a lot harder to talk
about your anxieties, worries, fears. shortcomings,
insecurities. Those are a lot harder, right?
So I want to kind of encourage you to create
a space where, yeah, do all the good stuff, the
fun stuff, but don't, again, like I talked about
with my relationships and the lack or the lack
thereof, right? Don't focus on just doing stuff
with each other, but take a moment to actually
ask about what's happening in each other's lives
to be open and willing to share what's going
on in your life, right? I still think you should
find a professional to talk to. If anything,
I'll be honest with you. I still do not feel
confident dealing with electrical wiring stuff
in the house. I don't feel comfortable with it
at all. I feel like I'm going to electrocute
myself if I tried, even if it's some basic stuff.
Some of my friends have told me, oh, no, this
is easy. You just need to do X, Y, and Z. And
then YouTube videos make it seem as if it's super
easy, but I'm deadly scared. I'll still hire
a professional. Why is that? Because I'm scared,
right? Now, if I had somebody like a professional
who actually guided through and taught me how
to do the things that I need to do to fix my
house, then I'm sure that I'd feel a lot more
comfortable and confident about what I'm doing.
Does it make sense? Right? So the analogy here
would be talking to a therapist. It's like practice,
right? It's like getting better at this. And
then you start feeling better about yourself
because you're like, oh, yeah, I feel like I
could definitely do this, right? Oh, like you're
running through the script and you're like, okay,
I could try doing it differently. I've gotten
bad responses. Like you could brainstorm with
your therapist. It's like your partner in crime,
right? Trying to figure out how to be better
about, you know, being open with yourself and
with others, right? So I would still say find
a professional, right? But I also think it helps
when we have multiple places to be our most authentic
self. Because honestly, I find to be the best
versions of themselves are people who are just
consistently who they are wherever they go. They
don't change themselves for other people. They
are comfortable with who they are. They've accepted
themselves for who they are. They know who they
are, and that's how they walk through life, right?
My friends will tell you, I still fall short
in creating that kind of open space myself. I
can be brash and dismissive and critical. pop
off i talk my shit a lot um i'm sure there are
men who you know are far better than me at listening
with genuine empathy and understanding uh so
there's a lot of ways in which i can grow in
that respect for sure um but i'm not going to
stop trying because It's not until I put myself
out there, it's not until I try and exercise
a little bit of courage and be willing to take
some of these risks that I'm going to get the
feedback that I need to be better about doing
this for other men. So I hope that at least leaves
you on a positive note. But the one thing I don't
want is for us to try to do this. uh ourselves
you need mirrors around you to help you see it
and it's going to be hard and it's going to be
scary it's not going to feel good but i just
want to encourage you because this is the fundamentals
that i think are going to shape everything else
that we talk about like nothing happens in terms
of you being less of a bitch if you're not willing
to first take an honest look in the mirror and
acknowledge when you're being a bitch right So
let's do this for each other, not to tear each
other down, but to build each other up.