WEBVTT 00:00:34.030 --> 00:00:37.969 So quick recap. Last time I talked about the 00:00:37.969 --> 00:00:41.350 concept of a high value man and how it plays 00:00:41.350 --> 00:00:45.170 on some underdeveloped sense of self that you 00:00:45.170 --> 00:00:48.090 leave your true self behind and instead put on 00:00:48.090 --> 00:00:50.189 whatever mask you need in order to fit the society 00:00:50.189 --> 00:00:53.789 or whoever else it is from which you're seeking 00:00:53.789 --> 00:00:57.530 some sort of affirmation. That alone is a big 00:00:57.530 --> 00:01:00.829 step. If you've done that, now we can have the 00:01:00.829 --> 00:01:03.579 real talk about what it looks like. like to be 00:01:03.579 --> 00:01:09.420 a man okay um at least how i laid it out to the 00:01:09.420 --> 00:01:11.459 implication i think is fairly straightforward 00:01:11.459 --> 00:01:16.159 being a man is being of real value not perceived 00:01:16.159 --> 00:01:19.719 to be a value and it's not being about better 00:01:19.719 --> 00:01:22.019 or worse than anybody but rather focusing on 00:01:22.019 --> 00:01:25.859 your own kind of demands of yourself your vision 00:01:25.859 --> 00:01:30.489 for yourself The focus here is just overall inward, 00:01:30.689 --> 00:01:35.069 right? Into self -perception, into self -worth, 00:01:35.269 --> 00:01:39.150 into self -appraisal. The hardest part of starting 00:01:39.150 --> 00:01:41.890 this journey, though, is that it honestly sucks 00:01:41.890 --> 00:01:46.209 to look inward. It's hard, like really, really 00:01:46.209 --> 00:01:49.890 hard. And it's hard primarily because it's hard 00:01:49.890 --> 00:01:52.370 as hell to look at ourselves honestly. Sometimes 00:01:52.370 --> 00:01:55.450 just physically through an actual mirror, that's 00:01:55.450 --> 00:01:58.739 already hard sometimes. but also emotionally 00:01:58.739 --> 00:02:03.060 through a mirror to our souls or something like 00:02:03.060 --> 00:02:06.079 that. If you were lucky enough to have people 00:02:06.079 --> 00:02:08.099 in your life that were supportive of you and 00:02:08.099 --> 00:02:11.039 give you space to be yourself and embrace and 00:02:11.039 --> 00:02:14.560 love you as you are and walked through life together 00:02:14.560 --> 00:02:17.659 with you to help you work on your flaws or weaknesses 00:02:17.659 --> 00:02:21.659 and also encourage you. you know, and pointed 00:02:21.659 --> 00:02:24.599 out all the great things that you are, then you'll 00:02:24.599 --> 00:02:27.740 probably have an easier time doing this. But 00:02:27.740 --> 00:02:33.919 if you're like me, this shit's going to be hard. 00:02:34.620 --> 00:02:38.240 It's just going to be hard yet. Even here, like 00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:40.139 so soon that you had all these wonderful things 00:02:40.139 --> 00:02:42.560 going for you, where maybe you've already done 00:02:42.560 --> 00:02:45.740 some sort of self reflection. Even here, though, 00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:47.580 I think it helps to get professional help. I'm 00:02:47.580 --> 00:02:50.479 talking about therapists. If you don't have one, 00:02:50.580 --> 00:02:53.520 go get you one, a good one. It's hard to find 00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:57.719 a good therapist. And essentially, well, it's 00:02:57.719 --> 00:03:00.780 especially hard if you want to open up to a male 00:03:00.780 --> 00:03:02.740 therapist since there's a real shortage in those. 00:03:03.219 --> 00:03:06.740 But you need somebody to talk to, somebody to 00:03:06.740 --> 00:03:10.659 explore with you how you genuinely feel and think, 00:03:10.699 --> 00:03:14.479 to be open, to take risks without feeling like 00:03:14.479 --> 00:03:17.469 you might be shamed or shunned. from a community 00:03:17.469 --> 00:03:20.449 right look it's hard being vulnerable as it is 00:03:20.449 --> 00:03:23.169 but when you're doing it with friends family 00:03:23.169 --> 00:03:26.830 or in the public arena there's genuine risk involved 00:03:26.830 --> 00:03:29.669 right like real risk and there's i think a good 00:03:29.669 --> 00:03:32.169 reason that people don't want to open up to just 00:03:32.169 --> 00:03:34.710 anybody right apart from reacting negatively 00:03:34.710 --> 00:03:38.659 to what you say may be just as bad as if they 00:03:38.659 --> 00:03:41.099 react in an unhelpful way, right? So for example, 00:03:41.139 --> 00:03:43.300 suppose I wanted to talk to a friend about feeling 00:03:43.300 --> 00:03:46.120 severely depressed, so much so that I have trouble 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:48.319 getting out of bed in the morning, I never get 00:03:48.319 --> 00:03:52.080 anything done, I'm wasting away, and I smell 00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:54.620 terrible because I don't shower. I'm sure they 00:03:54.620 --> 00:03:57.120 try to cheer me up. Maybe one of them would offer 00:03:57.120 --> 00:04:00.520 some advice like, hey, workout, exercise will 00:04:00.520 --> 00:04:02.180 make you feel better, or maybe they'll try to 00:04:02.180 --> 00:04:04.460 take my mind off of it by switching topics to 00:04:04.460 --> 00:04:07.330 something else. Or suggest we do something together, 00:04:07.469 --> 00:04:09.449 something that I used to find fun, like maybe 00:04:09.449 --> 00:04:11.990 bowling, because they know that I love bowling. 00:04:12.990 --> 00:04:16.850 I can see that they care, but if you've ever 00:04:16.850 --> 00:04:18.970 been somebody who's depressed and in this sort 00:04:18.970 --> 00:04:21.310 of really deep depressive state, their response 00:04:21.310 --> 00:04:24.389 is not helpful in the least bit, at least these 00:04:24.389 --> 00:04:27.250 kinds of responses. And definitely not how a 00:04:27.250 --> 00:04:30.930 quality therapist would, I think, respond. And 00:04:30.930 --> 00:04:34.129 that makes sense. Your friends aren't trained 00:04:34.129 --> 00:04:37.040 for this kind of talk. They mean well, they care, 00:04:37.240 --> 00:04:40.079 and that's also part of what makes it all the 00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:43.680 more worse. I can see that they're trying, and 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:47.139 because they care, I feel like, oh man, I feel 00:04:47.139 --> 00:04:50.740 even worse that I don't feel better, and everything 00:04:50.740 --> 00:04:53.879 that they're saying is actually making me feel 00:04:53.879 --> 00:04:57.160 worse. It makes me feel unseen, I feel more alone, 00:04:57.459 --> 00:05:00.899 I feel just like they don't get it, right? So 00:05:00.899 --> 00:05:03.939 to help me explore what I feel, to help me better 00:05:03.939 --> 00:05:07.399 understand it, Where it comes from, I need to 00:05:07.399 --> 00:05:09.480 have a different kind of discussion that I think 00:05:09.480 --> 00:05:11.899 the professionals are kind of best equipped for. 00:05:12.680 --> 00:05:16.379 Now, I want to be clear. Yes, I am supporting 00:05:16.379 --> 00:05:20.180 getting a therapist, but no, this is not my primary 00:05:20.180 --> 00:05:23.879 point. I'm not here just advocating for getting 00:05:23.879 --> 00:05:27.360 a therapist. Getting professional help is one 00:05:27.360 --> 00:05:31.100 way, one of many, in our learning to be comfortable 00:05:31.100 --> 00:05:34.139 and looking at ourselves honestly. Because at 00:05:34.139 --> 00:05:36.300 the end of the day, that's really the goal. However 00:05:36.300 --> 00:05:39.000 which way you get there, there's a lot of different 00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:40.779 ways of getting there. There's a lot of different 00:05:40.779 --> 00:05:42.220 things that will contribute to your being able 00:05:42.220 --> 00:05:45.920 to get there. Seeing a therapist is one. That's 00:05:45.920 --> 00:05:50.519 why I believe in the importance of seeing a therapist, 00:05:50.560 --> 00:05:51.980 just because I think there's some benefits that 00:05:51.980 --> 00:05:54.699 you don't get from, say, friends and family and 00:05:54.699 --> 00:05:57.139 community. But those are also necessary as well, 00:05:57.240 --> 00:06:00.680 right? So having a good social support network 00:06:00.680 --> 00:06:03.740 really helps you in better understanding yourself, 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:05.500 like people who actually care and aren't going 00:06:05.500 --> 00:06:08.779 to be judging and shunning you, but rather trying 00:06:08.779 --> 00:06:11.399 to kind of help you unpack whatever it is that 00:06:11.399 --> 00:06:17.839 you're going through. So this is why I promote 00:06:17.839 --> 00:06:22.649 therapy, but again, it's not the only way. So 00:06:22.649 --> 00:06:25.290 you don't necessarily need one, but I think it 00:06:25.290 --> 00:06:28.170 is super duper helpful. In fact, I think usually 00:06:28.170 --> 00:06:30.670 when I hear people say like, I don't need a therapist, 00:06:30.889 --> 00:06:33.750 I usually respond with only people who think 00:06:33.750 --> 00:06:35.490 that they don't need a therapist needs a therapist, 00:06:35.629 --> 00:06:37.750 right? Because I think once you've done enough 00:06:37.750 --> 00:06:41.170 of like looking inward, you realize both just 00:06:41.170 --> 00:06:43.610 how difficult it is and just the ways in which 00:06:43.610 --> 00:06:46.569 I think everyday people are may or may not be 00:06:46.569 --> 00:06:48.670 helpful. But again, like, I don't know your circle 00:06:48.670 --> 00:06:51.199 of friends. I don't know if you have people around 00:06:51.199 --> 00:06:53.819 you who are just very, very good at it because 00:06:53.819 --> 00:06:56.420 they are emotionally mature themselves and have 00:06:56.420 --> 00:06:58.779 worked on themselves or because, you know, some 00:06:58.779 --> 00:07:00.319 people are just kind of inclined in this way, 00:07:00.360 --> 00:07:03.980 even from a very young age, have sort of a deep, 00:07:04.100 --> 00:07:07.600 you know, a lot of deep feelings and have good 00:07:07.600 --> 00:07:09.600 intuitions about how other people might be feeling 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:11.000 and knowing how to connect with them, right? 00:07:11.579 --> 00:07:13.899 But the point is this. Everyone needs space to 00:07:13.899 --> 00:07:16.180 be honest with themselves. And you cannot mature 00:07:16.180 --> 00:07:20.220 until you find that space for yourself. Let me 00:07:20.220 --> 00:07:22.500 try to explain it with an analogy. I'm really 00:07:22.500 --> 00:07:24.899 going to try to drive home this point of just 00:07:24.899 --> 00:07:27.339 how important it is, but also some of the struggles 00:07:27.339 --> 00:07:29.279 that come with it. If you're trying to solve 00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:31.560 a math problem and you got the math problem wrong 00:07:31.560 --> 00:07:34.139 and you're trying to fix it, one of the most 00:07:34.139 --> 00:07:36.779 unhelpful things to do is to just dismiss it 00:07:36.779 --> 00:07:40.300 and say to yourself, I'll get it next time. I 00:07:40.300 --> 00:07:42.459 just had a brain fart this time. Made a dumb 00:07:42.459 --> 00:07:45.189 mistake. I work with students on learning all 00:07:45.189 --> 00:07:47.089 the time, and this is one of the comments I get 00:07:47.089 --> 00:07:49.230 from students sometimes when they realize that 00:07:49.230 --> 00:07:51.350 they messed up or made a mistake here or there. 00:07:52.129 --> 00:07:54.050 Now, it might be true that you just had a brain 00:07:54.050 --> 00:07:57.509 fart, but suppose you get similar types of problems 00:07:57.509 --> 00:08:01.870 wrong again and again and again. So now we're 00:08:01.870 --> 00:08:04.730 seeing that there's a clear pattern. This isn't 00:08:04.730 --> 00:08:07.610 just a one -off. It's not just a momentary brain 00:08:07.610 --> 00:08:10.589 fart. There's something that you're not getting 00:08:10.589 --> 00:08:14.569 or not doing that's leading to your making these 00:08:14.569 --> 00:08:17.610 mistakes fairly consistently. Maybe not always, 00:08:17.850 --> 00:08:21.350 but enough that we can notice that there's some 00:08:21.350 --> 00:08:25.870 kind of a pattern. But you won't be able to address 00:08:25.870 --> 00:08:28.689 the root of the problem unless you take a hard 00:08:28.689 --> 00:08:32.169 look at what you're doing, right? You need to... 00:08:32.570 --> 00:08:34.149 Figure out where it is that you're going off 00:08:34.149 --> 00:08:36.590 track because if you don't, you're not going 00:08:36.590 --> 00:08:38.850 to diagnose the problem correctly and you're 00:08:38.850 --> 00:08:41.990 not going to actually fix it, right? Life is 00:08:41.990 --> 00:08:44.889 full of these types of problems. Look, if I keep 00:08:44.889 --> 00:08:48.230 going into debt every month, I can tell myself 00:08:48.230 --> 00:08:50.909 that I just had a bad week or a bad month, made 00:08:50.909 --> 00:08:53.429 some bad decisions this time around, but next 00:08:53.429 --> 00:08:56.820 month I'm going to get it right, right? Again, 00:08:57.039 --> 00:09:00.039 yeah, it might be just a one -off. And if that's 00:09:00.039 --> 00:09:01.580 what the track record actually shows, if that's 00:09:01.580 --> 00:09:03.960 what reality actually shows, that's one thing. 00:09:04.039 --> 00:09:07.360 But if this is a regular occurrence and I'm constantly 00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:09.700 in the red, I'm like every month I'm going further 00:09:09.700 --> 00:09:11.919 and further into debt, right? Then there's something 00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:14.500 deeper going on with my spending habits, with 00:09:14.500 --> 00:09:16.700 my saving habits, habits with the way that I'm 00:09:16.700 --> 00:09:20.799 treating my finances, whether it is that or I'm 00:09:20.799 --> 00:09:23.879 not earning enough, right? Like if it's not... 00:09:24.320 --> 00:09:26.220 If I don't actually get to the root of the problem, 00:09:26.360 --> 00:09:28.799 I'm not going to actually fix the problem. I'm 00:09:28.799 --> 00:09:31.799 going to continuously go into debt. I could try 00:09:31.799 --> 00:09:34.379 to do all the patchwork stuff I want to do, but 00:09:34.379 --> 00:09:36.799 it won't make a difference because the root of 00:09:36.799 --> 00:09:39.299 it, the real source of the reason that I'm going 00:09:39.299 --> 00:09:44.710 into debt, is never addressed. What is the issue? 00:09:44.830 --> 00:09:46.710 What needs to be fixed? That's something for 00:09:46.710 --> 00:09:48.610 everyone to figure out for themselves. Everyone 00:09:48.610 --> 00:09:50.750 is going to be different. Everyone has a different 00:09:50.750 --> 00:09:53.149 life story. Everyone is wired differently. Everyone 00:09:53.149 --> 00:09:55.529 has a different temperament. I don't know you. 00:09:56.009 --> 00:09:58.049 I don't even know who any of my listeners are. 00:09:58.309 --> 00:10:01.009 I don't know any of you. You need to figure it 00:10:01.009 --> 00:10:04.250 out for yourself or to be able to find people 00:10:04.250 --> 00:10:06.389 who can help you figure out what it is that's 00:10:06.389 --> 00:10:10.649 actually going on. Similarly, if you want to 00:10:10.649 --> 00:10:12.879 grow up, if you want to mature, If you want to 00:10:12.879 --> 00:10:15.620 be a better version of yourself, the place to 00:10:15.620 --> 00:10:18.580 start is to figure out the root of what's leading 00:10:18.580 --> 00:10:21.759 to all the problems in your life. You can try 00:10:21.759 --> 00:10:23.679 to blame the world around you, and maybe from 00:10:23.679 --> 00:10:25.879 time to time, that is the problem. Maybe it's 00:10:25.879 --> 00:10:28.820 something that the world has done unto you. I'm 00:10:28.820 --> 00:10:31.500 not going to deny structural societal problems. 00:10:31.639 --> 00:10:34.460 I'm a big proponent of trying to address these 00:10:34.460 --> 00:10:37.440 sort of societal issues that are plaguing entire 00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:41.190 communities. Unfortunately, that's not something 00:10:41.190 --> 00:10:43.570 you can control. You can try to work to improve 00:10:43.570 --> 00:10:46.389 those things, but you're not like a dictator 00:10:46.389 --> 00:10:48.830 here that can suddenly, with a snap of a finger, 00:10:48.889 --> 00:10:51.990 fix all these problems. All you can do is you 00:10:51.990 --> 00:10:54.809 can control what's under your control, which 00:10:54.809 --> 00:10:57.429 is you. And that'll be the negative patterns, 00:10:57.509 --> 00:11:00.610 the negative cycles within your life. It's not 00:11:00.610 --> 00:11:03.409 something that others can address for you. Others 00:11:03.409 --> 00:11:06.009 can help you see what's going on, but it's something 00:11:06.009 --> 00:11:08.870 that only you can address because it's your life. 00:11:09.470 --> 00:11:12.570 And you won't be able to do it unless you are 00:11:12.570 --> 00:11:15.149 willing, and this is the hard part, unless you're 00:11:15.149 --> 00:11:18.350 willing to take a good hard look at yourself 00:11:18.350 --> 00:11:24.330 and identify the root cause of why it is that 00:11:24.330 --> 00:11:26.029 you're doing the kinds of things that you're 00:11:26.029 --> 00:11:30.250 doing that are harmful to you. It could be cognitively, 00:11:30.250 --> 00:11:33.110 emotionally, physically. What is it that you're 00:11:33.110 --> 00:11:35.149 doing that's contributing to your life going 00:11:35.149 --> 00:11:37.070 the way that, you know, you don't necessarily 00:11:37.070 --> 00:11:40.149 want it to, right? What is leading to you not 00:11:40.149 --> 00:11:43.570 learning lessons, right? It's going to be probably, 00:11:43.909 --> 00:11:46.309 my guess would be you're not addressing the root 00:11:46.309 --> 00:11:49.950 issue, okay? This is true of every aspect of 00:11:49.950 --> 00:11:53.210 yourself, right? From your physical health, to 00:11:53.210 --> 00:11:54.970 your education, to work success, to romantic 00:11:54.970 --> 00:11:57.629 life. So you look, all of it, okay? Let me give 00:11:57.629 --> 00:11:59.350 you some examples from my own life, right? Just 00:11:59.350 --> 00:12:01.250 to give you a sense of like what this might look 00:12:01.250 --> 00:12:04.340 like. For the longest time, I had a hard time 00:12:04.340 --> 00:12:07.940 being in a long -term relationship, maybe any 00:12:07.940 --> 00:12:09.919 relationship now that I think about it. I had 00:12:09.919 --> 00:12:12.500 a fairly healthy dating life, especially back 00:12:12.500 --> 00:12:17.039 in college and not too long after, but it didn't 00:12:17.039 --> 00:12:19.379 necessarily lead to anything meaningful, right? 00:12:19.759 --> 00:12:22.220 And I do remember that at the time, I would just 00:12:22.220 --> 00:12:24.700 say to myself things like, oh, that's just because 00:12:24.700 --> 00:12:27.279 I didn't really like them all that much, or maybe, 00:12:27.320 --> 00:12:29.480 you know, I'm just focused on other things right 00:12:29.480 --> 00:12:32.340 now, so I'm not... going to be too invested in 00:12:32.340 --> 00:12:36.100 this. Or maybe I might tell myself sometimes 00:12:36.100 --> 00:12:37.879 like, look, it just wasn't the right person. 00:12:38.159 --> 00:12:40.480 And when I find the right person, I'll know. 00:12:41.740 --> 00:12:44.179 All these were actually, for me anyways, I don't 00:12:44.179 --> 00:12:45.980 know about you, but for me, all these things 00:12:45.980 --> 00:12:48.100 that I was saying to myself, it was masking what 00:12:48.100 --> 00:12:52.059 was actually going on underneath, right? There 00:12:52.059 --> 00:12:54.960 was no relationship that developed because everything 00:12:54.960 --> 00:12:58.649 that I was doing in my dating life didn't allow 00:12:58.649 --> 00:13:03.169 for a real relationship to develop because a 00:13:03.169 --> 00:13:07.470 real relationship requires you to have some sort 00:13:07.470 --> 00:13:11.269 of more intimate connection with the person that 00:13:11.269 --> 00:13:14.850 you're with. And the problem was that I rarely, 00:13:14.929 --> 00:13:18.649 if ever, spent time trying to develop those connections, 00:13:18.769 --> 00:13:24.610 mainly because both I didn't know how and I was 00:13:24.610 --> 00:13:30.250 anxious about trying. So I didn't create that 00:13:30.250 --> 00:13:35.029 space for me to be able to gain something deeper 00:13:35.029 --> 00:13:37.210 than the initial attraction that I had with them. 00:13:37.730 --> 00:13:42.759 So I didn't bother to ask. to find out what made 00:13:42.759 --> 00:13:45.179 that person tick, to find out more about their 00:13:45.179 --> 00:13:48.179 past experience in life, how that informs what 00:13:48.179 --> 00:13:51.019 kind of person they are today, what kind of, 00:13:51.019 --> 00:13:53.539 you know, dreams they have and what they, you 00:13:53.539 --> 00:13:57.360 know, envision for their life, the ins and outs 00:13:57.360 --> 00:14:01.389 of their values, you know. Instead, I learned 00:14:01.389 --> 00:14:03.129 a bunch of shallow little things like their favorite 00:14:03.129 --> 00:14:05.830 place to shop or food to eat. I honestly spent 00:14:05.830 --> 00:14:07.970 most of my dating life just doing things like 00:14:07.970 --> 00:14:10.850 going to places, having new experiences together. 00:14:11.070 --> 00:14:14.389 And sure, those shared experience is nice and 00:14:14.389 --> 00:14:16.730 can spark some connection. It's not nothing. 00:14:17.269 --> 00:14:20.029 But I also wasn't learning anything about the 00:14:20.029 --> 00:14:22.769 person. And they weren't learning anything about 00:14:22.769 --> 00:14:24.970 me because I wasn't sharing any of it, right? 00:14:26.940 --> 00:14:29.000 Did I give us the space to have that kind of 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:31.240 talk, right? It's not as if we had moments where 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:33.899 we're like just sit down over dinner and just 00:14:33.899 --> 00:14:37.279 have really deep conversations. And it wasn't 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:40.720 because like it was not possible at all, but 00:14:40.720 --> 00:14:42.639 there was something in me that was stopping me 00:14:42.639 --> 00:14:45.679 from going there, from having those conversations, 00:14:45.899 --> 00:14:49.379 whether it was my own anxiety or, you know, just 00:14:49.379 --> 00:14:52.779 me not having actually taken the time. to think 00:14:52.779 --> 00:14:54.940 through like what it might actually look like 00:14:54.940 --> 00:14:56.899 to develop a deeper connection with somebody, 00:14:57.019 --> 00:14:58.100 right? That's not even a thought that entered 00:14:58.100 --> 00:14:59.840 into my head. So I had a blind spot. I didn't 00:14:59.840 --> 00:15:01.559 even know that this is something I was doing 00:15:01.559 --> 00:15:05.379 in many cases, right? So there was a reason that 00:15:05.379 --> 00:15:07.720 my dating life would go for like two, three months 00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:12.200 at most and then fade away. And it wasn't an 00:15:12.200 --> 00:15:14.659 accident. Like it was by design. It was based 00:15:14.659 --> 00:15:16.899 at least in part by something that I was doing. 00:15:17.710 --> 00:15:19.789 It was something that I was doing. And that's 00:15:19.789 --> 00:15:21.629 what I'm pointing out. Look, if there's something 00:15:21.629 --> 00:15:25.610 in your life that is a consistent pattern, then 00:15:25.610 --> 00:15:28.970 it's probably, at least in part, having something 00:15:28.970 --> 00:15:32.529 to do with something you're doing. Nothing's 00:15:32.529 --> 00:15:34.429 going to change unless you do something different. 00:15:34.509 --> 00:15:38.009 So if we're talking about growing up, not being 00:15:38.009 --> 00:15:41.309 a bitch and growing up into a real man, then 00:15:41.309 --> 00:15:43.789 one of the things you're going to have to at 00:15:43.789 --> 00:15:46.429 least... develop at least a fundamental thing 00:15:46.429 --> 00:15:48.769 you're going to have to start doing quite regularly 00:15:48.769 --> 00:15:52.490 to get better at it is to take a moment to really 00:15:52.490 --> 00:15:54.509 slow down and process what it is that you're 00:15:54.509 --> 00:15:56.929 doing noticing patterns in your life and instead 00:15:56.929 --> 00:15:59.750 of being a bitch and running away from it taking 00:15:59.750 --> 00:16:03.649 the time to try to actually address what it is 00:16:03.649 --> 00:16:05.649 that's going on in your life now everyone has 00:16:05.649 --> 00:16:07.690 different issues everyone's struggling with something 00:16:07.690 --> 00:16:10.070 different everyone has different sort of patterns 00:16:10.649 --> 00:16:12.610 I don't know what it is for you, but my point 00:16:12.610 --> 00:16:14.429 is that we're going to have to take the time 00:16:14.429 --> 00:16:16.029 to go ahead and actually figure it out, right? 00:16:16.370 --> 00:16:18.750 To not run away from it, to actually be willing 00:16:18.750 --> 00:16:20.649 to address it, right? Here's another example. 00:16:21.350 --> 00:16:24.009 Whenever I was anxious or depressed, I would 00:16:24.009 --> 00:16:26.470 tell myself that it was a phase, a period that 00:16:26.470 --> 00:16:29.289 will come and go like any other feeling, right? 00:16:29.370 --> 00:16:32.000 I just need to ride out the wave, right? I think 00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:34.080 a lot of this actually, this way of thinking 00:16:34.080 --> 00:16:37.320 comes from my parents. I remember my parents, 00:16:37.500 --> 00:16:39.779 especially my dad, thought that I had like phases 00:16:39.779 --> 00:16:41.899 of being really angry and then really depressed. 00:16:42.360 --> 00:16:44.639 And he would always say that it was a phase, 00:16:44.740 --> 00:16:47.460 it'll go away. My mom often did this too. Like 00:16:47.460 --> 00:16:49.139 she would always like any, especially like when 00:16:49.139 --> 00:16:53.240 I was. sad or depressed or you know whatever 00:16:53.240 --> 00:16:56.419 it was she would try to distract me and get me 00:16:56.419 --> 00:16:59.659 to try to be happy right away um or if i was 00:16:59.659 --> 00:17:00.980 anxious she would just tell me that there's no 00:17:00.980 --> 00:17:03.200 reason to be anxious and to try to get me to 00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:05.480 feel differently right the goal was always like 00:17:05.480 --> 00:17:08.160 let's get you to move past this right let's not 00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:09.880 deal with it let's just try to get you to move 00:17:09.880 --> 00:17:12.289 past it right so That sort of way of thinking 00:17:12.289 --> 00:17:14.349 about things kind of creeped into my own life. 00:17:14.789 --> 00:17:16.829 And so the goal was always to get me to stop 00:17:16.829 --> 00:17:19.329 feeling the way I was feeling because it wasn't 00:17:19.329 --> 00:17:20.730 a good feeling, right? It doesn't feel good to 00:17:20.730 --> 00:17:22.190 be depressed. It doesn't feel good to be angry, 00:17:22.329 --> 00:17:25.349 right? It doesn't feel good to be anxious. These 00:17:25.349 --> 00:17:28.089 are not pleasant feelings, right? So in that 00:17:28.089 --> 00:17:31.269 way, I would try to cheer myself up when I was 00:17:31.269 --> 00:17:33.289 down. And when I was anxious, I tried not to 00:17:33.289 --> 00:17:34.890 think about it and distract myself. I was using 00:17:34.890 --> 00:17:37.410 the coping mechanisms, if you want to call it 00:17:37.410 --> 00:17:40.059 that, that I had learned from my parents. Of 00:17:40.059 --> 00:17:42.460 course, to some degree, these strategies worked, 00:17:42.599 --> 00:17:46.279 right? And that sometimes I might find some momentary 00:17:46.279 --> 00:17:50.140 relief. But that's the thing. Even though I had 00:17:50.140 --> 00:17:52.940 convinced myself that these feelings went away, 00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:56.680 it never really did because those feelings were 00:17:56.680 --> 00:18:00.220 never addressed. It found its way out in all 00:18:00.220 --> 00:18:03.380 sorts of other ways. And overeating, excessive 00:18:03.380 --> 00:18:07.059 drinking, being reckless with my spending, oversleeping, 00:18:07.059 --> 00:18:10.619 neglecting responsibilities, like, I can try 00:18:10.619 --> 00:18:13.400 to ignore my feelings as much as I want. Those 00:18:13.400 --> 00:18:16.579 feelings, however, do its own thing, right? They 00:18:16.579 --> 00:18:18.700 don't go away because I want them to. No, in 00:18:18.700 --> 00:18:22.480 fact, they find their way out in far more harmful 00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:25.519 and destructive ways. The point, again, is simple, 00:18:25.599 --> 00:18:28.430 right? Before you can actually fix whatever is 00:18:28.430 --> 00:18:30.630 ailing you, you need to take a hard look at yourself 00:18:30.630 --> 00:18:33.390 and be honest about what's going on, including 00:18:33.390 --> 00:18:37.049 your intentions, your values, your desires, your 00:18:37.049 --> 00:18:40.369 actions, your history, your mistakes, all of 00:18:40.369 --> 00:18:43.569 it. Without taking this first step, everything 00:18:43.569 --> 00:18:46.329 after is just worthless because whatever it is 00:18:46.329 --> 00:18:48.210 that you're doing, you're not actually addressing 00:18:48.210 --> 00:18:53.289 what needs to be addressed. So the reason I'm 00:18:53.289 --> 00:18:56.029 stressing this point of being honest with yourself 00:18:56.029 --> 00:19:00.049 so much is that if you're like me, you're probably 00:19:00.049 --> 00:19:03.670 the type to look quickly for a solution without 00:19:03.670 --> 00:19:06.029 really understanding the problem. Because I'll 00:19:06.029 --> 00:19:08.630 be honest, it's easier to give some half -assed 00:19:08.630 --> 00:19:13.329 diagnosis where you don't have to deal with your 00:19:13.329 --> 00:19:16.730 real feelings and then move on to just trying 00:19:16.730 --> 00:19:19.730 a bunch of shit to try to fix a problem. Diagnosing 00:19:19.730 --> 00:19:21.690 the problem in yourself is emotionally hard. 00:19:22.410 --> 00:19:24.849 So it's much easier to just jump straight into 00:19:24.849 --> 00:19:27.269 problem solving mode. But again, because you're 00:19:27.269 --> 00:19:29.430 not addressing the actual problem, you're going 00:19:29.430 --> 00:19:31.390 to keep facing the same issue again and again 00:19:31.390 --> 00:19:34.609 and again. It's like doing constant patchwork 00:19:34.609 --> 00:19:37.150 to stop all these tiny leaks when you need to 00:19:37.150 --> 00:19:40.490 first stop the giant source of the leak. But 00:19:40.490 --> 00:19:44.829 it's far less painful to focus on patching up 00:19:44.829 --> 00:19:48.369 these little leaks. than to address the giant 00:19:48.369 --> 00:19:51.289 elephant in the room, right? The big leak that 00:19:51.289 --> 00:19:54.710 is leading to everything else, right? I want 00:19:54.710 --> 00:19:57.829 you and I to never forget the importance of slowing 00:19:57.829 --> 00:20:00.230 down and first identifying the root of the problem. 00:20:00.950 --> 00:20:04.230 No matter how hard it is, you need to accept 00:20:04.230 --> 00:20:07.609 that there's no way to fix a problem without 00:20:07.609 --> 00:20:11.349 a proper diagnosis. I need for all of us to stop 00:20:11.349 --> 00:20:14.690 living in denial because that denial just means 00:20:14.690 --> 00:20:17.069 that you're not going to fix what's broken in 00:20:17.069 --> 00:20:21.430 you. And when we have broken men raising broken 00:20:21.430 --> 00:20:25.049 boys, what we end up with is just another generation 00:20:25.049 --> 00:20:29.190 of broken men. I personally want to stop this 00:20:29.190 --> 00:20:32.329 cycle, at least insofar as I could in my circle 00:20:32.329 --> 00:20:36.710 of family and my children, my child, I should 00:20:36.710 --> 00:20:39.720 say, and the children around me, right? That 00:20:39.720 --> 00:20:43.579 cycle won't stop unless we each do our part to 00:20:43.579 --> 00:20:46.519 start being honest with ourselves. All right? 00:20:47.559 --> 00:20:52.160 Okay. So far, I haven't really given you anything 00:20:52.160 --> 00:20:54.940 actionable other than go see a therapist. But 00:20:54.940 --> 00:20:58.579 look, I think there's a way that we can help 00:20:58.579 --> 00:21:01.180 each other be more honest with ourselves. Okay? 00:21:01.220 --> 00:21:04.500 So let me direct my attention to the men that 00:21:04.500 --> 00:21:07.740 already have the maturity to be honest with themselves. 00:21:07.819 --> 00:21:11.670 Please. I want you, if you aren't doing this 00:21:11.670 --> 00:21:15.150 already, to be open, to be vulnerable, and do 00:21:15.150 --> 00:21:18.390 it with a louder voice than other men in whatever 00:21:18.390 --> 00:21:22.589 platform you have. We just need more men to start 00:21:22.589 --> 00:21:26.309 being a lot more vulnerable. We need men to demonstrate 00:21:26.309 --> 00:21:29.549 what it might look like and to show that it's 00:21:29.549 --> 00:21:31.789 not the end of the world. It's not the scariest 00:21:31.789 --> 00:21:36.009 thing. It could be done. But at least creating 00:21:36.009 --> 00:21:38.109 that culture makes it a little bit more comfortable. 00:21:38.759 --> 00:21:42.039 Again, we learn from seeing what people do, not 00:21:42.039 --> 00:21:44.920 from what they say. And we need to see more men 00:21:44.920 --> 00:21:47.900 being vulnerable, men who are not defensive but 00:21:47.900 --> 00:21:50.140 can sit with the good and the bad and the ugly 00:21:50.140 --> 00:21:52.980 in them, and be able to show other men that it's 00:21:52.980 --> 00:21:55.539 okay to have some shortcomings, to be able to 00:21:55.539 --> 00:21:58.700 love your flawed self. There's a friend that 00:21:58.700 --> 00:22:03.599 I have that now lives in South Carolina, I think, 00:22:03.660 --> 00:22:06.119 actually I'm not completely sure now, now that 00:22:06.119 --> 00:22:09.000 I say it out loud, who I had gotten into contact 00:22:09.000 --> 00:22:13.259 with when I was lonely and depressed. And this 00:22:13.259 --> 00:22:15.759 was, I hadn't talked to him in like... you know 00:22:15.759 --> 00:22:18.059 years and then i got into contact just right 00:22:18.059 --> 00:22:19.420 around this time in my life when i was going 00:22:19.420 --> 00:22:22.900 through a really bad depressive episode um and 00:22:22.900 --> 00:22:24.920 he was very very open about his feelings he was 00:22:24.920 --> 00:22:27.259 kind of like always like this uh to a large degree 00:22:27.259 --> 00:22:31.180 i mean i thought i was fairly open but i realized 00:22:31.180 --> 00:22:33.140 now that i was probably just more impulsive and 00:22:33.140 --> 00:22:35.319 just blurted stuff out and i wouldn't necessarily 00:22:35.319 --> 00:22:38.759 call that open now um but i realized that i was 00:22:38.759 --> 00:22:40.740 actually hiding quite a bit of my true self from 00:22:40.740 --> 00:22:43.500 myself as well as from others right But he would 00:22:43.500 --> 00:22:45.940 tell me things that honestly made me feel super 00:22:45.940 --> 00:22:47.299 uncomfortable, right? He would say things like, 00:22:47.339 --> 00:22:50.759 I love you, right? Or he would call or text me 00:22:50.759 --> 00:22:54.720 just to check up on me. And I don't know if I 00:22:54.720 --> 00:22:56.759 actually told him directly, but I was super weirded 00:22:56.759 --> 00:22:58.940 out at first, right? It was like overwhelming 00:22:58.940 --> 00:23:02.099 for me. It was like too much, right? It was so 00:23:02.099 --> 00:23:04.000 much that I needed to take a break from it all. 00:23:04.059 --> 00:23:05.640 Sometimes I would just kind of like try to avoid 00:23:05.640 --> 00:23:08.630 or maybe like... Have like, you know, some distance. 00:23:08.730 --> 00:23:11.069 It's like, oh, man, that's just weird. I don't 00:23:11.069 --> 00:23:14.609 know how to feel about that, right? I hope he 00:23:14.609 --> 00:23:18.630 knows that all the care and openness that he's 00:23:18.630 --> 00:23:22.289 shown me, it wasn't for nothing, right? You know, 00:23:22.329 --> 00:23:24.430 there wasn't like some immediate impact, right? 00:23:24.490 --> 00:23:26.710 I think too often we think that fixes could be, 00:23:26.829 --> 00:23:30.630 fixes need to happen like right away. But sometimes 00:23:30.630 --> 00:23:32.670 that's not really how it works. And especially 00:23:32.670 --> 00:23:34.349 with something like this, right? I think his 00:23:34.349 --> 00:23:38.440 being that open with me. um just being so direct 00:23:38.440 --> 00:23:43.099 about how he feels and sharing himself with me 00:23:43.099 --> 00:23:44.559 right like sharing the things the struggles that 00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:47.000 he's going through with me right i didn't respond 00:23:47.000 --> 00:23:50.019 well but he had the courage to continuously share 00:23:50.019 --> 00:23:52.299 and to be open and i think there was something 00:23:52.299 --> 00:23:56.039 about that that allowed me to feel a lot more 00:23:56.039 --> 00:24:00.220 comfortable with realizing like hey this is not 00:24:00.220 --> 00:24:01.599 the end of the world i mean i'm a little bit 00:24:01.599 --> 00:24:05.400 weirded out But I also don't hate it, and I don't 00:24:05.400 --> 00:24:08.440 want to shame him for it, and I don't want to 00:24:08.440 --> 00:24:12.440 cut him off from my life for it. So I think one 00:24:12.440 --> 00:24:14.480 of the things that it helped to do, to be able 00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:17.160 to see somebody do this with me in real time, 00:24:17.299 --> 00:24:19.519 was that it started opening up the doors for 00:24:19.519 --> 00:24:22.359 me to be a lot more open when I'm going into 00:24:22.359 --> 00:24:24.519 a therapy session or when I'm with even my own 00:24:24.519 --> 00:24:28.079 friends. It made me want to believe that it was 00:24:28.079 --> 00:24:30.759 possible because I saw somebody who's able to 00:24:30.759 --> 00:24:33.890 do it just fine. And, you know, able to move 00:24:33.890 --> 00:24:35.450 through life just fine. Like, people don't hate 00:24:35.450 --> 00:24:36.549 him or anything. Like, they love him, right? 00:24:36.789 --> 00:24:40.069 Okay, so what did that really do for me? It gave 00:24:40.069 --> 00:24:42.390 me a blueprint. It gave me a blueprint for how 00:24:42.390 --> 00:24:45.230 I could be. It opened up a world of possibility 00:24:45.230 --> 00:24:48.930 because, you know, like, sometimes you hear people 00:24:48.930 --> 00:24:52.250 tell you do X, Y, and Z. I do this often. I tell 00:24:52.250 --> 00:24:54.569 people to do X, Y, and Z. But honestly, like, 00:24:54.670 --> 00:24:57.849 people don't operate like that. Being told what 00:24:57.849 --> 00:25:00.869 to do. being given advice or something like people 00:25:00.869 --> 00:25:02.250 don't follow it this is why self -help books 00:25:02.250 --> 00:25:04.230 usually don't work right you could say you could 00:25:04.230 --> 00:25:05.589 tell people all the things that they should be 00:25:05.589 --> 00:25:08.950 doing you might even be right but they need a 00:25:08.950 --> 00:25:11.650 reason to actually do it and one of the ways 00:25:11.650 --> 00:25:15.869 in which i found for myself and for the people 00:25:15.869 --> 00:25:19.789 i engage with like they find much more motivation 00:25:19.789 --> 00:25:21.650 in trying something or doing something when they 00:25:21.650 --> 00:25:25.900 see other people do it so If you are one of these 00:25:25.900 --> 00:25:28.400 guys, I'm sure that you're probably doing it 00:25:28.400 --> 00:25:31.140 already. But I also want to encourage you to 00:25:31.140 --> 00:25:33.299 keep doing it and do more of it. It's in part 00:25:33.299 --> 00:25:36.019 because I think once I've started becoming much 00:25:36.019 --> 00:25:38.779 more open, one of the things that I found is 00:25:38.779 --> 00:25:42.000 that I also kind of coil back and withdraw from 00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:44.799 the world to some degree. And that's in part 00:25:44.799 --> 00:25:50.059 because there isn't really... for me anyways, 00:25:50.200 --> 00:25:52.920 it's been hard to find a male community, a group 00:25:52.920 --> 00:25:57.039 of guys to hang out with where a large swath 00:25:57.039 --> 00:25:59.900 of them are open in this way. It's actually very, 00:25:59.940 --> 00:26:04.420 very hard. Once you become a dad, for some odd 00:26:04.420 --> 00:26:06.339 reason, it actually becomes a little bit harder. 00:26:07.119 --> 00:26:09.160 Why? Because you got all these other responsibilities 00:26:09.160 --> 00:26:11.619 and then so like you often tend to forget to 00:26:11.619 --> 00:26:14.440 prioritize yourself and to prioritize these kinds 00:26:14.440 --> 00:26:17.220 of relationships. As you age, you need to find 00:26:17.220 --> 00:26:18.880 new friends, right? That's the other thing that 00:26:18.880 --> 00:26:20.619 also happens, right? So once you become a dad, 00:26:20.740 --> 00:26:22.039 like this is like a common thing that a lot of 00:26:22.039 --> 00:26:24.519 dads talk to me about, right? That we'd share 00:26:24.519 --> 00:26:26.819 with each other, right? Which is you look for 00:26:26.819 --> 00:26:29.259 other dads as friends, right? Like that's the 00:26:29.259 --> 00:26:31.259 stage of life you're in. So a lot of your conversations 00:26:31.259 --> 00:26:33.420 become about, you know, parenthood, kids and 00:26:33.420 --> 00:26:36.809 all that, right? So... In these moments, it becomes 00:26:36.809 --> 00:26:39.990 very hard to actually be open because sometimes 00:26:39.990 --> 00:26:41.670 it might be because you're meeting new people, 00:26:41.789 --> 00:26:43.609 you're trying to feel them out, you want to see 00:26:43.609 --> 00:26:46.569 if it's okay. But as I said, it's always hard. 00:26:46.650 --> 00:26:48.750 Even the people who are good at this stuff, it's 00:26:48.750 --> 00:26:51.410 always hard because there's always a danger because 00:26:51.410 --> 00:26:52.750 you don't know how people are going to respond 00:26:52.750 --> 00:26:54.759 to you. You don't know if people are going to 00:26:54.759 --> 00:26:56.480 be accepting of you or if they're going to judge 00:26:56.480 --> 00:26:58.619 you or if they're going to talk down to you or 00:26:58.619 --> 00:27:01.259 it might have real tangible consequences, right? 00:27:01.359 --> 00:27:04.019 It might mean, you know, impact on your business, 00:27:04.059 --> 00:27:06.660 on your finances. It could be impact on your 00:27:06.660 --> 00:27:09.980 relationships, on, you know, relationships for 00:27:09.980 --> 00:27:12.740 your kids, right? If you have family, like, you 00:27:12.740 --> 00:27:14.920 know, it could sour relationships in other ways, 00:27:15.019 --> 00:27:18.210 right? So there's real risk. So I understand 00:27:18.210 --> 00:27:20.430 that it's really hard. So I think it's important 00:27:20.430 --> 00:27:22.130 to at least acknowledge that there are men who 00:27:22.130 --> 00:27:23.630 are able to do this, and I just want to encourage 00:27:23.630 --> 00:27:28.410 you to just keep on doing it. But I think even 00:27:28.410 --> 00:27:31.390 if you're not good at this, or maybe you feel 00:27:31.390 --> 00:27:34.210 like you're not great at this, I just want to 00:27:34.210 --> 00:27:36.369 encourage you to let you know that it's just 00:27:36.369 --> 00:27:39.250 a skill set like any other that anybody can learn. 00:27:39.630 --> 00:27:44.420 And I like to think of it kind of like... plumbing 00:27:44.420 --> 00:27:47.079 or housework you know like i became a house you 00:27:47.079 --> 00:27:49.859 know a homeowner not too long ago and you know 00:27:49.859 --> 00:27:54.599 since then i have uh you know it's not a nice 00:27:54.599 --> 00:27:56.859 home that i have purchased there's a lot of issues 00:27:56.859 --> 00:27:59.980 with it so as a result i have become very familiar 00:27:59.980 --> 00:28:03.039 with home depot and youtube videos on how to 00:28:03.039 --> 00:28:04.819 fix a bunch of random stuff because you know 00:28:04.819 --> 00:28:06.920 paying somebody to do it tends to be very expensive 00:28:06.920 --> 00:28:10.599 right um and you know in the beginning it was 00:28:10.599 --> 00:28:13.859 super scary It was super scary because I had 00:28:13.859 --> 00:28:15.400 no idea what I was doing. I was afraid I was 00:28:15.400 --> 00:28:18.619 going to blow something up. And then, boom, there 00:28:18.619 --> 00:28:22.720 goes everything that I put, all the money that 00:28:22.720 --> 00:28:25.359 I put into this thing, right? So it's scary. 00:28:25.519 --> 00:28:27.420 And so you're taking like low risk. You're like, 00:28:27.480 --> 00:28:29.160 okay, let me do this project that looks a lot 00:28:29.160 --> 00:28:32.140 easier, that is not electrical wiring, so I don't 00:28:32.140 --> 00:28:34.819 burn or blow anything up. Let me not deal with 00:28:34.819 --> 00:28:37.500 the gas, you know, anything with the gas furnace 00:28:37.500 --> 00:28:39.519 or anything like that. Let me deal with simple 00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:42.279 things that I know, you know, is low stake, right? 00:28:43.259 --> 00:28:46.140 Great. Start with the low stake stuff. Right. 00:28:46.480 --> 00:28:48.319 Because honestly, that's how we learn. We don't 00:28:48.319 --> 00:28:50.279 learn by, you know, I mean, I understand that 00:28:50.279 --> 00:28:51.740 some people do this where they throw their kids 00:28:51.740 --> 00:28:53.200 into the deep end of the pool and tell them to 00:28:53.200 --> 00:28:57.119 figure it out. But a lot of us learn in, you 00:28:57.119 --> 00:28:59.200 know, in a progressive way. Right. We learn a 00:28:59.200 --> 00:29:02.160 little bit. Right. The low risk stuff. And then 00:29:02.160 --> 00:29:04.319 we feel comfortable with it. So we challenge 00:29:04.319 --> 00:29:05.940 ourselves and do something a little bit more 00:29:05.940 --> 00:29:08.480 difficult. And then as we get better at it, we 00:29:08.480 --> 00:29:10.259 feel more confident and we do more and more of 00:29:10.259 --> 00:29:13.730 it. That's kind of how it is for me. I needed 00:29:13.730 --> 00:29:20.910 somebody who I could talk to that I saw as, here's 00:29:20.910 --> 00:29:22.789 an example of somebody who can be very open in 00:29:22.789 --> 00:29:26.769 this way, who can share and really explore themselves 00:29:26.769 --> 00:29:33.150 openly to show what it looks like. But it doesn't 00:29:33.150 --> 00:29:37.589 have to be that. The one rule really is you need 00:29:37.589 --> 00:29:40.170 to have people you can talk to that aren't going 00:29:40.170 --> 00:29:42.940 to... judge or shame you and here's one of the 00:29:42.940 --> 00:29:46.099 things i think i really like about men is that 00:29:46.099 --> 00:29:47.900 most of the men at least the ones that i've encountered 00:29:47.900 --> 00:29:51.740 rarely are judgmental they're very open they're 00:29:51.740 --> 00:29:54.420 very accepting i'll talk about this you know 00:29:54.420 --> 00:29:56.259 another time but i think maybe a little bit too 00:29:56.259 --> 00:29:58.180 much in that direction sometimes they're a little 00:29:58.180 --> 00:30:00.759 bit too forgiving of things that they maybe shouldn't 00:30:00.759 --> 00:30:04.720 be so forgiving of but i find that if anything 00:30:04.720 --> 00:30:08.500 men tend to be Quite accepting. Now, they might 00:30:08.500 --> 00:30:10.539 still rip on you and make fun of you, but there's 00:30:10.539 --> 00:30:11.819 just something about the male culture where, 00:30:11.900 --> 00:30:14.720 you know, that's a sign of affection. It's a 00:30:14.720 --> 00:30:18.119 weird way of showing affection. So I want to 00:30:18.119 --> 00:30:20.380 just point out, like, it's perfectly fine to 00:30:20.380 --> 00:30:22.519 do it, you know, take little baby steps, you 00:30:22.519 --> 00:30:25.680 know, do it little by little. But I want to encourage 00:30:25.680 --> 00:30:28.660 you because I think that men are better at this 00:30:28.660 --> 00:30:30.859 than they give themselves credit for, right? 00:30:31.480 --> 00:30:33.599 And if you're like me and you have a lot of men 00:30:33.599 --> 00:30:36.460 in your life, like boys that you grew up with 00:30:36.460 --> 00:30:38.619 or people that you've developed friendships with 00:30:38.619 --> 00:30:41.759 over the years, you'd be surprised at just how 00:30:41.759 --> 00:30:45.259 much they want to be there for you. A lot of 00:30:45.259 --> 00:30:47.000 times it might just be that they don't know how. 00:30:47.339 --> 00:30:50.180 And you might be feeling this way. I think it 00:30:50.180 --> 00:30:52.000 might be helpful for all of you to kind of talk 00:30:52.000 --> 00:30:55.559 about it and to, you know, as I'm sure your inclination 00:30:55.559 --> 00:30:58.640 probably is, to be forgiving of one another when 00:30:58.640 --> 00:31:02.859 they don't meet up. meet some sort of the quality 00:31:02.859 --> 00:31:04.880 of interaction that you might have envisioned 00:31:04.880 --> 00:31:07.779 as the ideal. It doesn't have to be that. It 00:31:07.779 --> 00:31:09.920 could just be starting off by sharing some stuff 00:31:09.920 --> 00:31:14.640 about yourself to each other. But you can't really 00:31:14.640 --> 00:31:18.339 be honest with yourself without also being honest 00:31:18.339 --> 00:31:20.539 with other people. I think they kind of go hand 00:31:20.539 --> 00:31:23.160 in hand. I don't know which one came first, like 00:31:23.160 --> 00:31:25.880 chicken or the egg, right? I don't know which 00:31:25.880 --> 00:31:28.859 comes first. What I do know is that they feed 00:31:28.859 --> 00:31:32.140 off of each other. So being open and honest with 00:31:32.140 --> 00:31:34.920 others about your heart, about your struggles, 00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:38.960 about all of what's going on in you, right? That 00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:41.660 actually helps for you to feel confident and 00:31:41.660 --> 00:31:43.940 being more honest with yourself because now you 00:31:43.940 --> 00:31:47.579 realize it's safe. But also, as you become more 00:31:47.579 --> 00:31:50.500 honest with yourself, you would realize that, 00:31:50.539 --> 00:31:53.779 hopefully, you'll realize that it's okay. to 00:31:53.779 --> 00:31:56.200 be who you are and so you're not as worried about 00:31:56.200 --> 00:31:57.940 how other people are going to respond and you're 00:31:57.940 --> 00:32:01.779 much more open as you talk to other people okay 00:32:01.779 --> 00:32:06.099 um look there's been a lot said of boys being 00:32:06.099 --> 00:32:08.579 taught not to cry and the kind of damage that 00:32:08.579 --> 00:32:10.839 does to their emotional health and then stuff 00:32:10.839 --> 00:32:14.140 along these lines right it's not really that 00:32:14.140 --> 00:32:17.319 boys you know, have feelings and should be allowed 00:32:17.319 --> 00:32:20.380 to express them. I mean, it is, but it's not 00:32:20.380 --> 00:32:22.359 quite the point. I think that's kind of like, 00:32:22.400 --> 00:32:24.720 that would be missing the point, right? Being 00:32:24.720 --> 00:32:28.619 able to cry outwardly is really a genuine expression 00:32:28.619 --> 00:32:33.299 of a boy's inner self, right? They want to cry 00:32:33.299 --> 00:32:36.480 because that's how they feel. When we shut that 00:32:36.480 --> 00:32:38.460 off or we tell them to shut that off, what we're 00:32:38.460 --> 00:32:42.019 doing really is teaching boys to disconnect from 00:32:42.019 --> 00:32:44.670 who they are. to be dishonest with themselves, 00:32:44.829 --> 00:32:47.230 to tell themselves lies. I mentioned the example 00:32:47.230 --> 00:32:49.569 of the kind of coping mechanisms that my parents 00:32:49.569 --> 00:32:52.630 left me with, which is a lot of denying how I'm 00:32:52.630 --> 00:32:55.309 feeling, right? Or dismissing how I'm feeling. 00:32:55.390 --> 00:32:58.710 Like, I'm angry. I have a good reason to be angry. 00:32:58.849 --> 00:33:01.450 But instead of talking about why it is that I'm 00:33:01.450 --> 00:33:05.609 angry, it's just, let's ride it out and let's 00:33:05.609 --> 00:33:08.710 let biology do its thing. And, you know, eventually 00:33:08.710 --> 00:33:10.450 that's going to calm down and you're not going 00:33:10.450 --> 00:33:14.430 to be angry anymore, right? As if the feelings 00:33:14.430 --> 00:33:16.849 and why it is I felt the way that I did really 00:33:16.849 --> 00:33:20.410 doesn't matter. It's more a matter of time and 00:33:20.410 --> 00:33:23.210 letting my body run its course or something along 00:33:23.210 --> 00:33:26.890 those lines. That's dishonesty. That's dishonesty 00:33:26.890 --> 00:33:30.029 with myself. So if this is what you've been given 00:33:30.029 --> 00:33:33.420 and utilizing for most of your life, That's going 00:33:33.420 --> 00:33:36.500 to be your go -to in your toolbox, and as a result, 00:33:36.579 --> 00:33:38.220 you're going to continuously be dishonest with 00:33:38.220 --> 00:33:40.619 yourself. But as I've said, being dishonest with 00:33:40.619 --> 00:33:42.980 yourself in this way, it's not addressing anything, 00:33:43.140 --> 00:33:44.339 and this is part of the reason that you don't 00:33:44.339 --> 00:33:45.940 grow. This is part of the reason you don't mature. 00:33:46.339 --> 00:33:48.200 You never actually get to the root of the problem, 00:33:48.359 --> 00:33:50.740 and all you're doing is you're doing patchwork 00:33:50.740 --> 00:33:52.680 on things that you can't patch in the way that 00:33:52.680 --> 00:33:57.599 you think you can. So again, it's this dishonesty 00:33:57.599 --> 00:33:59.680 that prevents us from getting to the root of 00:33:59.680 --> 00:34:02.119 what ails us. When you understand this deeper 00:34:02.119 --> 00:34:04.829 point, You should see why it's important that 00:34:04.829 --> 00:34:07.809 we create a space, men, that we create a space 00:34:07.809 --> 00:34:10.090 for each other to be our most authentic self. 00:34:10.769 --> 00:34:13.530 So I have zero problems with men getting together 00:34:13.530 --> 00:34:16.929 to have, you know, men time, right? Doing men 00:34:16.929 --> 00:34:20.849 things, right? But men, I hope that, you know, 00:34:20.849 --> 00:34:22.769 when you do get together, that you start doing 00:34:22.769 --> 00:34:25.329 at least some of this for each other. That is, 00:34:25.349 --> 00:34:28.309 create some space where men can be their most 00:34:28.309 --> 00:34:32.230 authentic self. Allow them. to be honest with 00:34:32.230 --> 00:34:35.090 you and honest about the things that honestly, 00:34:35.250 --> 00:34:37.750 a lot of men from my experience don't want to 00:34:37.750 --> 00:34:39.309 be honest about, which is the things that are 00:34:39.309 --> 00:34:42.369 difficult and hard. It's easy to share the things 00:34:42.369 --> 00:34:44.449 that, you know, like your successes and, you 00:34:44.449 --> 00:34:46.849 know, moments of joy. It's a lot harder to talk 00:34:46.849 --> 00:34:51.019 about your anxieties, worries, fears. shortcomings, 00:34:51.019 --> 00:34:52.699 insecurities. Those are a lot harder, right? 00:34:52.760 --> 00:34:54.619 So I want to kind of encourage you to create 00:34:54.619 --> 00:34:57.019 a space where, yeah, do all the good stuff, the 00:34:57.019 --> 00:34:59.219 fun stuff, but don't, again, like I talked about 00:34:59.219 --> 00:35:01.159 with my relationships and the lack or the lack 00:35:01.159 --> 00:35:04.300 thereof, right? Don't focus on just doing stuff 00:35:04.300 --> 00:35:06.239 with each other, but take a moment to actually 00:35:06.239 --> 00:35:08.800 ask about what's happening in each other's lives 00:35:08.800 --> 00:35:11.940 to be open and willing to share what's going 00:35:11.940 --> 00:35:15.219 on in your life, right? I still think you should 00:35:15.219 --> 00:35:18.440 find a professional to talk to. If anything, 00:35:18.760 --> 00:35:22.260 I'll be honest with you. I still do not feel 00:35:22.260 --> 00:35:25.440 confident dealing with electrical wiring stuff 00:35:25.440 --> 00:35:27.179 in the house. I don't feel comfortable with it 00:35:27.179 --> 00:35:28.280 at all. I feel like I'm going to electrocute 00:35:28.280 --> 00:35:31.159 myself if I tried, even if it's some basic stuff. 00:35:31.699 --> 00:35:33.599 Some of my friends have told me, oh, no, this 00:35:33.599 --> 00:35:35.599 is easy. You just need to do X, Y, and Z. And 00:35:35.599 --> 00:35:37.039 then YouTube videos make it seem as if it's super 00:35:37.039 --> 00:35:39.579 easy, but I'm deadly scared. I'll still hire 00:35:39.579 --> 00:35:41.699 a professional. Why is that? Because I'm scared, 00:35:41.820 --> 00:35:44.539 right? Now, if I had somebody like a professional 00:35:44.539 --> 00:35:47.300 who actually guided through and taught me how 00:35:47.300 --> 00:35:49.920 to do the things that I need to do to fix my 00:35:49.920 --> 00:35:52.960 house, then I'm sure that I'd feel a lot more 00:35:52.960 --> 00:35:55.400 comfortable and confident about what I'm doing. 00:35:55.980 --> 00:35:58.519 Does it make sense? Right? So the analogy here 00:35:58.519 --> 00:36:00.840 would be talking to a therapist. It's like practice, 00:36:00.940 --> 00:36:02.699 right? It's like getting better at this. And 00:36:02.699 --> 00:36:04.119 then you start feeling better about yourself 00:36:04.119 --> 00:36:05.840 because you're like, oh, yeah, I feel like I 00:36:05.840 --> 00:36:08.139 could definitely do this, right? Oh, like you're 00:36:08.139 --> 00:36:10.320 running through the script and you're like, okay, 00:36:10.840 --> 00:36:13.219 I could try doing it differently. I've gotten 00:36:13.219 --> 00:36:15.119 bad responses. Like you could brainstorm with 00:36:15.119 --> 00:36:16.880 your therapist. It's like your partner in crime, 00:36:16.960 --> 00:36:18.079 right? Trying to figure out how to be better 00:36:18.079 --> 00:36:20.239 about, you know, being open with yourself and 00:36:20.239 --> 00:36:23.780 with others, right? So I would still say find 00:36:23.780 --> 00:36:29.280 a professional, right? But I also think it helps 00:36:29.280 --> 00:36:33.480 when we have multiple places to be our most authentic 00:36:33.480 --> 00:36:37.260 self. Because honestly, I find to be the best 00:36:37.260 --> 00:36:41.300 versions of themselves are people who are just 00:36:41.300 --> 00:36:44.539 consistently who they are wherever they go. They 00:36:44.539 --> 00:36:46.820 don't change themselves for other people. They 00:36:46.820 --> 00:36:48.760 are comfortable with who they are. They've accepted 00:36:48.760 --> 00:36:50.420 themselves for who they are. They know who they 00:36:50.420 --> 00:36:52.840 are, and that's how they walk through life, right? 00:36:53.340 --> 00:36:56.320 My friends will tell you, I still fall short 00:36:56.320 --> 00:36:59.659 in creating that kind of open space myself. I 00:36:59.659 --> 00:37:03.670 can be brash and dismissive and critical. pop 00:37:03.670 --> 00:37:06.949 off i talk my shit a lot um i'm sure there are 00:37:06.949 --> 00:37:10.130 men who you know are far better than me at listening 00:37:10.130 --> 00:37:13.610 with genuine empathy and understanding uh so 00:37:13.610 --> 00:37:15.250 there's a lot of ways in which i can grow in 00:37:15.250 --> 00:37:19.510 that respect for sure um but i'm not going to 00:37:19.510 --> 00:37:23.730 stop trying because It's not until I put myself 00:37:23.730 --> 00:37:25.670 out there, it's not until I try and exercise 00:37:25.670 --> 00:37:29.329 a little bit of courage and be willing to take 00:37:29.329 --> 00:37:32.010 some of these risks that I'm going to get the 00:37:32.010 --> 00:37:35.130 feedback that I need to be better about doing 00:37:35.130 --> 00:37:43.010 this for other men. So I hope that at least leaves 00:37:43.010 --> 00:37:47.190 you on a positive note. But the one thing I don't 00:37:47.190 --> 00:37:52.340 want is for us to try to do this. uh ourselves 00:37:52.340 --> 00:37:56.099 you need mirrors around you to help you see it 00:37:56.099 --> 00:37:57.480 and it's going to be hard and it's going to be 00:37:57.480 --> 00:38:00.260 scary it's not going to feel good but i just 00:38:00.260 --> 00:38:02.840 want to encourage you because this is the fundamentals 00:38:02.840 --> 00:38:06.039 that i think are going to shape everything else 00:38:06.039 --> 00:38:09.579 that we talk about like nothing happens in terms 00:38:09.579 --> 00:38:12.920 of you being less of a bitch if you're not willing 00:38:12.920 --> 00:38:15.280 to first take an honest look in the mirror and 00:38:15.280 --> 00:38:19.069 acknowledge when you're being a bitch right So 00:38:19.069 --> 00:38:21.210 let's do this for each other, not to tear each 00:38:21.210 --> 00:38:22.530 other down, but to build each other up.