WEBVTT 00:00:34.509 --> 00:00:37.409 I can't think of a better place to start than 00:00:37.409 --> 00:00:39.450 this term that I've seen thrown around on the 00:00:39.450 --> 00:00:44.710 Internet, the high value man. This term, I think, 00:00:44.789 --> 00:00:48.149 captures the root of so much of what goes wrong 00:00:48.149 --> 00:00:51.130 in people's conception of masculinity, more than 00:00:51.130 --> 00:00:55.109 the boys don't cry or the toughen up talk. OK. 00:00:55.289 --> 00:00:59.200 All right. Let's be honest. Men want to feel 00:00:59.200 --> 00:01:02.200 valued, to be seen as useful, as someone who 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:05.739 contributes meaningfully to his family, to society, 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:10.319 to loved ones. It feels good to be valued. It 00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:13.500 feels shitty when you're not. I think this is 00:01:13.500 --> 00:01:15.400 probably true for just about everyone, regardless 00:01:15.400 --> 00:01:19.400 of gender. Okay, so far, nothing harmful. Just 00:01:19.400 --> 00:01:23.060 normal human desire. Can't fault a person for 00:01:23.060 --> 00:01:26.250 wanting to feel valued. It's a way to feel seen 00:01:26.250 --> 00:01:28.510 and appreciated for what you bring to the table. 00:01:29.329 --> 00:01:34.829 So, okay, so far so good. Here's where shit slowly 00:01:34.829 --> 00:01:37.829 starts to get twisted. And I want to be clear 00:01:37.829 --> 00:01:40.890 about something. Shit gets twisted not by some 00:01:40.890 --> 00:01:43.709 nefarious design. It's not because there's some 00:01:43.709 --> 00:01:47.069 evil person like, I'm going to go ahead and mess 00:01:47.069 --> 00:01:49.629 with people's head or anything like that. No, 00:01:49.769 --> 00:01:53.189 this is just some normal human shit. Let me try 00:01:53.189 --> 00:01:56.180 to lay it out. kind of one by one. Alright, so 00:01:56.180 --> 00:01:58.700 there's two kind of things that I think are kind 00:01:58.700 --> 00:02:02.159 of coming together to create this idea of being 00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:07.680 of high value. Okay, so first off, we want to 00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:11.039 be valued, but we also conflate being valuable 00:02:11.039 --> 00:02:15.960 with being valued. Okay. Alright, so what do 00:02:15.960 --> 00:02:18.340 I mean by this? Well, you might be valuable, 00:02:18.479 --> 00:02:21.259 right? So you might have some something of value 00:02:21.259 --> 00:02:25.520 to bring to the table. But others may not recognize 00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:30.599 you for the value that you bring, okay? The former 00:02:30.599 --> 00:02:33.300 is your actual value, like what value you actually 00:02:33.300 --> 00:02:37.780 bring. The latter is how you're being valued 00:02:37.780 --> 00:02:42.280 by others, okay? Sometimes these are aligned, 00:02:42.419 --> 00:02:46.050 which I would say is good, right? So oftentimes, 00:02:46.129 --> 00:02:48.289 this is what we want, right? If you bring something 00:02:48.289 --> 00:02:51.289 to the table, you bring something of value, you 00:02:51.289 --> 00:02:53.669 want to be acknowledged by others for the actual 00:02:53.669 --> 00:02:56.849 value that you bring, and they do that, that's 00:02:56.849 --> 00:03:00.349 good, okay? Sometimes, though, these things deviate, 00:03:00.370 --> 00:03:03.030 and it deviates in either direction, right? Either 00:03:03.030 --> 00:03:05.810 you are valued more highly than your actual value, 00:03:05.889 --> 00:03:08.650 or you're valued less than your actual value, 00:03:08.669 --> 00:03:11.530 because people are not seeing what value you 00:03:11.530 --> 00:03:14.680 actually have. Again, nothing that's various, 00:03:14.900 --> 00:03:18.719 just normal human stuff. We as an individual 00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:22.039 or as society don't necessarily value things 00:03:22.039 --> 00:03:26.000 correctly. I might simply overlook some of what 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:28.659 you do for the community, and so I undervalue 00:03:28.659 --> 00:03:31.680 you. Or I might be overly enthusiastic about 00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:34.879 something you did that materially maybe had very 00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:39.860 little impact, and so I overvalued what... I 00:03:39.860 --> 00:03:42.259 thought you brought, right? What I think you 00:03:42.259 --> 00:03:45.659 did. Okay. Mistakes happen. So I'm trying to 00:03:45.659 --> 00:03:49.009 exploit these mistakes to create or create them 00:03:49.009 --> 00:03:51.310 by puffing themselves up to be more valuable 00:03:51.310 --> 00:03:52.789 than they are, right? So you might know people 00:03:52.789 --> 00:03:54.490 like this, right? They try to make themselves 00:03:54.490 --> 00:03:56.210 out to be bigger than they really are or more 00:03:56.210 --> 00:03:59.210 valuable than they are. You know, a co -worker, 00:03:59.409 --> 00:04:01.530 a supervisor, you probably know somebody somewhere 00:04:01.530 --> 00:04:04.050 in your life that does this. You know, they often 00:04:04.050 --> 00:04:06.289 take credit for other people's work or for things 00:04:06.289 --> 00:04:08.430 that were like just sheer luck and it's not really 00:04:08.430 --> 00:04:10.710 anything that they did themselves to bring it 00:04:10.710 --> 00:04:14.159 about. Okay. But there's a reason I stress the 00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:18.220 difference between our actual value and how it 00:04:18.220 --> 00:04:21.439 is that we are valued. Our value is something 00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:26.699 inherent in us and is better aligned with reality. 00:04:27.779 --> 00:04:31.000 If I want to be of greater value, I can make 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:34.300 choices or develop skills or whatever else that 00:04:34.300 --> 00:04:37.540 I could do in my power to actually be of greater 00:04:37.540 --> 00:04:39.920 value, like work harder or whatever else, okay? 00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:44.379 How you are valued, however, is not something 00:04:44.379 --> 00:04:48.779 under your control. I can do things to shed light 00:04:48.779 --> 00:04:51.920 on what I bring to the table to try to make other 00:04:51.920 --> 00:04:55.500 people aware so that they would value me. But 00:04:55.500 --> 00:04:59.300 if others don't acknowledge it, they don't care, 00:04:59.480 --> 00:05:02.399 they don't see it the way that you see it, then 00:05:02.399 --> 00:05:06.120 I'm not going to be valued no matter how valuable 00:05:06.120 --> 00:05:08.990 I actually am. And you might have experienced 00:05:08.990 --> 00:05:12.470 this discrepancy as well at work, at home. You 00:05:12.470 --> 00:05:16.170 clearly bring something of value doing some work 00:05:16.170 --> 00:05:18.250 or fixing something or contributing in some ways, 00:05:18.310 --> 00:05:20.709 but nobody recognizes it. Nobody acknowledges 00:05:20.709 --> 00:05:24.310 it. No one appreciates it. And you can't make 00:05:24.310 --> 00:05:28.410 other people see it if they don't want to see 00:05:28.410 --> 00:05:31.129 it or if they don't bother to or try to, even 00:05:31.129 --> 00:05:33.730 if you try to bring it to their attention. Other 00:05:33.730 --> 00:05:36.269 people will acknowledge you or not based off 00:05:36.269 --> 00:05:38.389 of something about them, not anything necessarily 00:05:38.389 --> 00:05:42.769 about you. I hope that distinction is clear. 00:05:43.470 --> 00:05:47.509 So here's what happens. Then when we conflate 00:05:47.509 --> 00:05:52.850 being valuable with being valued, we begin to 00:05:52.850 --> 00:05:56.569 accept that how others value us is our actual 00:05:56.569 --> 00:05:59.850 value. And this happens especially if we care 00:05:59.850 --> 00:06:02.449 more about how we're being valued. And there's 00:06:02.449 --> 00:06:04.829 good reason to care about how we're being valued. 00:06:04.910 --> 00:06:07.189 It has material consequences for our lives, right? 00:06:07.430 --> 00:06:11.550 It matters for whether or not you get that promotion 00:06:11.550 --> 00:06:14.389 or raise. You need to be acknowledged in order 00:06:14.389 --> 00:06:18.490 to advance in your career or make more money 00:06:18.490 --> 00:06:20.829 or whatever else, right? Charge more for your 00:06:20.829 --> 00:06:24.720 services. When we start to conflate these things, 00:06:24.779 --> 00:06:27.000 here's what happens. Our self -worth becomes 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:31.660 tied to what others say our worth is. Again, 00:06:31.779 --> 00:06:34.000 this is not some horrible thing that the world 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:36.100 imposes on us. I think this is just some fairly 00:06:36.100 --> 00:06:39.790 normal, you know. developmental factors that 00:06:39.790 --> 00:06:42.269 probably contribute heavily to this right namely 00:06:42.269 --> 00:06:44.149 in childhood you know like when our caregivers 00:06:44.149 --> 00:06:47.290 perception of us matters greatly and then in 00:06:47.290 --> 00:06:49.149 adolescence when it's part of the development 00:06:49.149 --> 00:06:51.389 to care more about what our peers our friends 00:06:51.389 --> 00:06:55.810 think of us right when others opinion of us matters 00:06:55.810 --> 00:06:58.689 so much to us it shouldn't be surprising that 00:06:58.689 --> 00:07:01.170 we begin to value ourselves through the eyes 00:07:01.170 --> 00:07:06.360 of others this is again everybody Everybody does 00:07:06.360 --> 00:07:09.379 this. Everybody feels this way. This is just 00:07:09.379 --> 00:07:13.000 normal human stuff, okay? The problem isn't that 00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:18.199 people do this. No. The problem is that maturation, 00:07:18.220 --> 00:07:21.639 right, growing up, requires that you combat this 00:07:21.639 --> 00:07:25.399 to the appropriate degree so that we start to 00:07:25.399 --> 00:07:28.740 see ourselves for the true value that we hold, 00:07:28.899 --> 00:07:33.259 right? This is so that we don't value ourselves 00:07:33.259 --> 00:07:35.439 through the eyes of others, but rather certain 00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:39.439 realities about ourselves. Why do I think this 00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:42.100 is an important part of maturation? Well, for 00:07:42.100 --> 00:07:46.560 one, it's just false to conflate the two. It's 00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:48.300 the difference between perception and reality, 00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:50.879 right? I don't know about you, but for me, part 00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:53.680 of growing up is becoming better at seeing truth. 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:56.420 For instance, you stop believing in Santa Claus 00:07:56.420 --> 00:07:58.560 and the Tooth Fairy, right? You can play along. 00:07:58.639 --> 00:08:01.079 You could appreciate what it did for your childhood 00:08:01.079 --> 00:08:04.139 or whatever else, but you don't really grow up, 00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:06.079 at least in part, unless you could differentiate 00:08:06.079 --> 00:08:09.480 between falsehoods and reality, right? Like imagination 00:08:09.480 --> 00:08:12.680 and reality, okay? So in the least, you should 00:08:12.680 --> 00:08:14.540 develop some awareness of the difference between 00:08:15.240 --> 00:08:17.879 you know, your own value and people's perception 00:08:17.879 --> 00:08:19.579 of your value, right? These are two different 00:08:19.579 --> 00:08:21.839 things, right? But second, and I think more importantly, 00:08:21.980 --> 00:08:24.180 right, your growth and mental health, I think, 00:08:24.180 --> 00:08:27.279 depends on your being able to make this distinction, 00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:31.420 right? The longer you stay dependent on other 00:08:31.420 --> 00:08:33.759 people's perception of you, if that's all you 00:08:33.759 --> 00:08:36.480 care about, because you've kind of like blurred 00:08:36.480 --> 00:08:38.840 the lines between your actual value and how people 00:08:38.840 --> 00:08:41.000 value you, like you just treat them as one of 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:44.259 the same, right? you tend to then just go ahead 00:08:44.259 --> 00:08:47.580 and live your life for other people. You lose 00:08:47.580 --> 00:08:50.379 your sense of self. You become all about how 00:08:50.379 --> 00:08:52.700 people perceive you. I feel like this is kind 00:08:52.700 --> 00:08:54.299 of what fame does to people, right? You become 00:08:54.299 --> 00:08:56.639 so absorbed in how people perceive you that matters 00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:59.580 so much that you just lose sense of what it is 00:08:59.580 --> 00:09:02.779 that you yourself actually want or desire or 00:09:02.779 --> 00:09:06.539 what you yourself value, right? What ends up 00:09:06.539 --> 00:09:09.100 happening then is because you're constantly under 00:09:09.100 --> 00:09:11.399 the control of other people's perception of you, 00:09:11.480 --> 00:09:14.320 you're essentially giving up your sense of self, 00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:16.799 and this is kind of what leads to things like 00:09:16.799 --> 00:09:20.080 depression and anxiety. You're always anxious 00:09:20.080 --> 00:09:22.279 about what other people will think of you. You 00:09:22.279 --> 00:09:24.899 get depressed when people don't like you. You 00:09:24.899 --> 00:09:28.299 become a slave, essentially, to other people's 00:09:28.299 --> 00:09:34.210 perception of you. So to recap, Right. Or to 00:09:34.210 --> 00:09:37.149 summarize, one mistake that we make is conflating 00:09:37.149 --> 00:09:40.889 our actual value versus how others value us. 00:09:41.149 --> 00:09:45.029 Right. Again, perfectly natural. But to some 00:09:45.029 --> 00:09:47.169 degree, at least, it needs to be combated and 00:09:47.169 --> 00:09:48.929 you need to kind of differentiate between them 00:09:48.929 --> 00:09:52.889 as you mature. As I said, because this is for 00:09:52.889 --> 00:09:54.850 your own good, for your own mental health. But 00:09:54.850 --> 00:09:57.830 also, you know, this is just kind of like just 00:09:57.830 --> 00:09:59.850 reality. Right. Like seeing reality for what 00:09:59.850 --> 00:10:02.830 it is. OK. OK. The second thing that I think 00:10:02.830 --> 00:10:07.750 happens is that we care about our value relative 00:10:07.750 --> 00:10:12.649 to others. We play the comparison game. We look 00:10:12.649 --> 00:10:15.090 at our peers and we see how we stack up against 00:10:15.090 --> 00:10:18.330 them. This is not a matter of competition necessarily, 00:10:18.710 --> 00:10:21.480 right? So I want to set that aside for now. Though 00:10:21.480 --> 00:10:23.259 I will come back to it, right? This is the recognition 00:10:23.259 --> 00:10:26.860 of rank or placement in the totem pole of life, 00:10:27.019 --> 00:10:29.320 right? Who is higher up in status than another? 00:10:29.720 --> 00:10:33.879 Where do I land in this ranking? It's an acknowledgement 00:10:33.879 --> 00:10:37.220 that some of us have more or can do more or are 00:10:37.220 --> 00:10:40.070 more capable in certain areas than others. We 00:10:40.070 --> 00:10:42.149 do this with others, right? Like when we, you 00:10:42.149 --> 00:10:44.009 know, argue about the greatest basketball player 00:10:44.009 --> 00:10:46.889 of all time and, you know, that's what are we 00:10:46.889 --> 00:10:49.490 doing? We're ranking players, right? And we have 00:10:49.490 --> 00:10:51.730 arguments about who's better or worse. And we 00:10:51.730 --> 00:10:53.250 do this with ourselves. Like when we measure 00:10:53.250 --> 00:10:56.370 up our academic placement in our class or when 00:10:56.370 --> 00:10:59.490 we rank our, you know, economic class, right? 00:10:59.549 --> 00:11:03.330 Like how much we're capable of purchasing. Exactly 00:11:03.330 --> 00:11:06.929 what are we tracking? for this ranking varies 00:11:06.929 --> 00:11:09.789 based on the situation or the personal interest 00:11:09.789 --> 00:11:11.690 or you know whatever it is that you're trying 00:11:11.690 --> 00:11:14.529 to compare so you could compare along all kinds 00:11:14.529 --> 00:11:17.450 of you know standards it just depends on what 00:11:17.450 --> 00:11:19.509 it is that you're kind of comparing right as 00:11:19.509 --> 00:11:21.009 long as you're comparing like like to like right 00:11:21.009 --> 00:11:26.039 so Some common factors are wealth, power, intellectual 00:11:26.039 --> 00:11:28.960 ability, popularity. Sometimes it might be some 00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:31.460 combination of these things. Sometimes it's across 00:11:31.460 --> 00:11:34.200 generations. Sometimes just amongst your peers 00:11:34.200 --> 00:11:37.679 within that generation. Siblings do this with 00:11:37.679 --> 00:11:40.100 each other, like who is more liked by a parent 00:11:40.100 --> 00:11:43.200 or who is better at something. This is all... 00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:45.879 you know distinct from whether or not we have 00:11:45.879 --> 00:11:48.639 value we we might have all have value right you 00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:51.379 might all think like like you could all be very 00:11:51.379 --> 00:11:55.440 intelligent but we would still play this comparison 00:11:55.440 --> 00:11:58.139 game uh even though we could all acknowledge 00:11:58.139 --> 00:12:00.220 that all of us are intelligent some are more 00:12:00.220 --> 00:12:02.080 intelligent than others right or some are more 00:12:02.080 --> 00:12:04.039 physically more fit than others or whatnot right 00:12:04.769 --> 00:12:07.649 Okay, it's about more or less. Okay. And here 00:12:07.649 --> 00:12:10.029 again, it could there could be, you know, this 00:12:10.029 --> 00:12:12.169 could match reality, or it could just be perceived 00:12:12.169 --> 00:12:14.789 and might just be something that deviates from 00:12:14.789 --> 00:12:18.330 reality. Okay. Again, perfectly natural to play 00:12:18.330 --> 00:12:20.399 the comparison game. I'm not going to fault you 00:12:20.399 --> 00:12:22.240 for playing the comparison game. Everyone does 00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:27.139 this. It's perfectly normal. I've never met a 00:12:27.139 --> 00:12:29.759 person who's never done this before. People just 00:12:29.759 --> 00:12:32.500 do it from an early age, like from childhood 00:12:32.500 --> 00:12:35.960 with siblings, later on at school with peers, 00:12:36.399 --> 00:12:40.580 later on in adulthood in working life. We all 00:12:40.580 --> 00:12:42.659 do this to some degree. Anybody who says that 00:12:42.659 --> 00:12:45.879 they don't is full of shit. Pretty normal. However, 00:12:46.659 --> 00:12:52.090 again, Maturing, growing up, right, requires 00:12:52.090 --> 00:12:57.009 that we keep this comparison game in check, okay? 00:12:57.669 --> 00:13:00.289 Like, we don't let it get out of hand. Why is 00:13:00.289 --> 00:13:03.629 that? Well, look, comparing yourself to others 00:13:03.629 --> 00:13:07.950 in this way, excessively anyways, does real harm, 00:13:08.090 --> 00:13:11.850 not to others, but to yourself. One common example 00:13:11.850 --> 00:13:13.710 of this that people often reference is keeping 00:13:13.710 --> 00:13:15.929 up with the Joneses, right? This idea that, you 00:13:15.929 --> 00:13:18.289 know, you move to a neighborhood, you have a 00:13:18.289 --> 00:13:20.990 neighbor, and then you start playing the comparison 00:13:20.990 --> 00:13:23.230 game, right? Like, oh, they got a new fence. 00:13:23.330 --> 00:13:25.049 I was like, so now I need to get a new fence 00:13:25.049 --> 00:13:27.230 to keep up with them. Oh, they got a new car 00:13:27.230 --> 00:13:30.070 that's shiny and brand new and expensive. I need 00:13:30.070 --> 00:13:32.169 to get a new car that's shiny and brand new and 00:13:32.169 --> 00:13:36.490 expensive, right? When people start looking at 00:13:36.490 --> 00:13:38.029 each other's wealth status and trying to stack 00:13:38.029 --> 00:13:40.889 up against them and trying to outrank them and 00:13:40.889 --> 00:13:43.289 be better than them and so on, this is when people 00:13:43.289 --> 00:13:46.389 tend to get into buying things that they really 00:13:46.389 --> 00:13:49.809 can't afford. They stop living within their means 00:13:49.809 --> 00:13:51.610 because they're too caught up in this comparison 00:13:51.610 --> 00:13:54.950 game. My friend bought this nice expensive... 00:13:55.640 --> 00:13:58.159 expensive house. I have a house that suffices 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:01.240 for my own needs, but because my friend is demonstrating 00:14:01.240 --> 00:14:04.320 this higher status with their expensive house, 00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:06.899 now I feel a need to go ahead and work my butt 00:14:06.899 --> 00:14:09.700 off to make more money or to take out loans to 00:14:09.700 --> 00:14:11.940 go ahead and get a nicer house relative to my 00:14:11.940 --> 00:14:15.399 friend. This makes me feel better because now 00:14:15.399 --> 00:14:19.240 I'm higher up in the rank than them. And we continue 00:14:19.240 --> 00:14:21.259 to pursue this rank, even if it means that, again, 00:14:21.320 --> 00:14:24.000 we make dumb decisions for ourselves, even if 00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:27.000 it's financially costly to us, even if it's costly 00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:29.779 to our health, we're not taking care of ourselves 00:14:29.779 --> 00:14:32.159 or our relationships, right? Sometimes, you know, 00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:34.679 because we, you know, like if you get too competitive, 00:14:34.799 --> 00:14:37.100 let's say at work, then because you're putting 00:14:37.100 --> 00:14:39.220 in all those work hours, then your relationships 00:14:39.220 --> 00:14:41.620 start to sour, right? Relationships outside the 00:14:41.620 --> 00:14:45.899 work. Okay. Prioritizing rank in this way will 00:14:45.899 --> 00:14:51.370 eventually hurt you. The one prioritizing the 00:14:51.370 --> 00:14:53.570 rank in this way, that's the person that's going 00:14:53.570 --> 00:14:55.889 to get hurt. Again, it's you, not anyone else. 00:14:56.090 --> 00:14:58.450 The other people who are not playing this game, 00:14:58.570 --> 00:15:00.389 they're not worried about this. You're the one 00:15:00.389 --> 00:15:02.590 that's working yourself up to a frenzy in order 00:15:02.590 --> 00:15:05.429 to try to keep up with others who are feeling 00:15:05.429 --> 00:15:08.929 greater than or less than. It's also psychologically 00:15:08.929 --> 00:15:11.789 damaging to constantly be playing this comparison 00:15:11.789 --> 00:15:14.570 game. Look, you never feel like you're enough. 00:15:15.179 --> 00:15:17.960 And I think this is kind of like what I'm primarily 00:15:17.960 --> 00:15:20.139 concerned about, right? Because the truth is 00:15:20.139 --> 00:15:22.500 that there will always be someone to compare 00:15:22.500 --> 00:15:25.860 yourself to and on some measure will be higher 00:15:25.860 --> 00:15:27.460 ranked than you, better than you at something, 00:15:27.580 --> 00:15:30.379 right? You're setting yourself up to become insecure 00:15:30.379 --> 00:15:33.000 for the rest of your life because you'll never 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:37.200 be satisfied with yourself or your accomplishments 00:15:37.200 --> 00:15:40.480 and you're constantly looking to find validation 00:15:40.480 --> 00:15:45.090 by beating the person next to you, okay? So you're 00:15:45.090 --> 00:15:47.730 doing this to yourself by playing this game. 00:15:48.190 --> 00:15:51.110 This is all, again, not out of some competitive 00:15:51.110 --> 00:15:53.750 spirit. I can't emphasize this enough. This is 00:15:53.750 --> 00:15:58.169 stemming from just your need to go ahead and 00:15:58.169 --> 00:16:00.509 be in a higher position than the person next 00:16:00.509 --> 00:16:02.889 to you. This is not healthy competition stuff. 00:16:02.990 --> 00:16:07.379 This is just downright insecurity, okay? Which 00:16:07.379 --> 00:16:10.519 brings me to my final point about why we need 00:16:10.519 --> 00:16:13.740 to mature out of this comparison game. When you're 00:16:13.740 --> 00:16:16.139 constantly concerned with your position relative 00:16:16.139 --> 00:16:20.039 to others, you are putting yourself at the mercy 00:16:20.039 --> 00:16:23.720 of this ranking, real or not. It could be some 00:16:23.720 --> 00:16:27.580 fake ranking or whatnot. You become absorbed 00:16:27.580 --> 00:16:31.659 in this in a way that you end up putting yourself 00:16:31.659 --> 00:16:35.220 under the thumb of whatever this ranking is. 00:16:36.009 --> 00:16:40.090 You're not acting out of your own desires. You're 00:16:40.090 --> 00:16:42.629 not acting out of your true values, the things 00:16:42.629 --> 00:16:44.870 that you really care about. You're not prioritizing 00:16:44.870 --> 00:16:47.169 in accordance with what you care about. Everything 00:16:47.169 --> 00:16:50.169 you're doing is to maintain or improve your rank, 00:16:50.269 --> 00:16:53.110 regardless of you, regardless of you. Again, 00:16:53.169 --> 00:16:58.350 you're giving up yourself for the sake of keeping 00:16:58.350 --> 00:17:01.490 up with whatever this thing is, this comparison 00:17:01.490 --> 00:17:04.990 game that you're playing. What you want, essentially, 00:17:05.329 --> 00:17:08.569 what you actually want, becomes irrelevant. Because 00:17:08.569 --> 00:17:10.690 what matters is that you beat the person next 00:17:10.690 --> 00:17:13.589 to you, not whether or not you've accomplished 00:17:13.589 --> 00:17:15.849 the things that you yourself actually care about. 00:17:16.390 --> 00:17:19.369 So now we have these two considerations on the 00:17:19.369 --> 00:17:24.829 table regarding what needs some maturing. there's 00:17:24.829 --> 00:17:27.049 a tendency to conflate our actual value with 00:17:27.049 --> 00:17:28.990 how others value us. And it's important that 00:17:28.990 --> 00:17:31.670 as we mature, we start to make sure that we're 00:17:31.670 --> 00:17:34.970 clearly differentiating between those two. And 00:17:34.970 --> 00:17:37.549 that, you know, even though it's perfectly normal 00:17:37.549 --> 00:17:43.150 to care about how others value us, that we recognize 00:17:43.150 --> 00:17:46.210 that that's not the same as how valuable we really 00:17:46.210 --> 00:17:50.079 are. And then second, that we play this comparison 00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:52.799 game, but we want to make sure that we keep it 00:17:52.799 --> 00:17:54.900 in check so that it's not to the detriment of 00:17:54.900 --> 00:17:57.980 ourselves and to others. So like any other game, 00:17:58.059 --> 00:18:00.700 it's fun and games until it starts hurting people. 00:18:01.339 --> 00:18:05.299 So if the comparison game is, and this is kind 00:18:05.299 --> 00:18:07.220 of like a surefire way of when you figure out 00:18:07.220 --> 00:18:09.259 you went too far, is if it's actually starting 00:18:09.259 --> 00:18:13.019 to do harm to yourself financially, health -wise, 00:18:13.240 --> 00:18:16.200 in your relationships, in your mental health. 00:18:16.329 --> 00:18:18.650 right then the comparison game has gotten out 00:18:18.650 --> 00:18:22.670 of hand all right okay so let me return to this 00:18:22.670 --> 00:18:25.809 term high value man okay so now that we talked 00:18:25.809 --> 00:18:28.309 about all that let's return to this idea of a 00:18:28.309 --> 00:18:31.210 high value man what the fuck is a high value 00:18:31.210 --> 00:18:34.710 man now I can try to play dumb here and say, 00:18:34.829 --> 00:18:37.349 oh, all that means is a man that has some value, 00:18:37.390 --> 00:18:39.109 that brings something to the table, you know, 00:18:39.130 --> 00:18:42.509 someone who isn't a bum, but who values themselves, 00:18:42.730 --> 00:18:45.410 has integrity, yada, yada. Okay, look, that's 00:18:45.410 --> 00:18:47.950 bullshit. No one, at least in the public sphere, 00:18:48.150 --> 00:18:50.670 is using the term in this way. Maybe there's 00:18:50.670 --> 00:18:52.130 individuals here and there that are like, oh, 00:18:52.150 --> 00:18:53.509 this is how I understand it, right? Look, it's 00:18:53.509 --> 00:18:56.089 not how the term is being used, okay? The way 00:18:56.089 --> 00:18:58.339 this term gets thrown around... There seems to 00:18:58.339 --> 00:19:01.140 be two implications. One, you're valuable as 00:19:01.140 --> 00:19:04.000 a man based on how others or society judges your 00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:06.400 value. There's some external standard for whether 00:19:06.400 --> 00:19:09.319 or not you're actually valuable. And this is 00:19:09.319 --> 00:19:11.460 based off of whether or not you make the right 00:19:11.460 --> 00:19:13.619 amount of money, whether you have the right height, 00:19:13.680 --> 00:19:18.000 or whatever the standard is. And two, your value 00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:20.359 can be compared to others and deemed high or 00:19:20.359 --> 00:19:23.380 low on some scale. The reason that we can talk 00:19:23.380 --> 00:19:25.420 about a high value man is because there's also 00:19:25.420 --> 00:19:28.019 a low value man. So there's now a ranking system 00:19:28.019 --> 00:19:30.559 that's just instantly built into this whole concept. 00:19:31.079 --> 00:19:34.259 When we put these two together, you end up with 00:19:34.259 --> 00:19:36.440 something toxic. You end up with something very 00:19:36.440 --> 00:19:38.700 unhealthy, and it's very unhealthy specifically 00:19:38.700 --> 00:19:43.619 for men. Let me begin by giving you a simple 00:19:43.619 --> 00:19:48.000 example from spaces that use this term high -value 00:19:48.000 --> 00:19:52.819 man. The dating world. Assume I am a straight 00:19:52.819 --> 00:19:55.380 man looking for a partner, someone to take out 00:19:55.380 --> 00:19:58.559 on a date. I am in a pool of other bachelors 00:19:58.559 --> 00:20:02.680 looking to find a partner. What makes me a high 00:20:02.680 --> 00:20:07.559 -value man? You're higher ranked than all these 00:20:07.559 --> 00:20:10.119 other candidates, and you're perceived as such 00:20:10.119 --> 00:20:13.960 by the potential partners. What might that be? 00:20:13.980 --> 00:20:16.680 It depends on the pool of partners, but oftentimes 00:20:16.680 --> 00:20:18.740 this pool of partners might want something along 00:20:18.740 --> 00:20:22.480 the lines of you're tall. handsome, make a good 00:20:22.480 --> 00:20:25.940 salary, sociable, physically fit, have friends, 00:20:26.079 --> 00:20:30.180 respected by the community, educated, come from 00:20:30.180 --> 00:20:32.059 a good family, yada, yada, yada. And these are 00:20:32.059 --> 00:20:34.160 all things that a potential partner values or 00:20:34.160 --> 00:20:39.859 wants. Okay, let's back the fuck up. Think about 00:20:39.859 --> 00:20:44.160 what we just set you up for. You now playing 00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:47.849 this little game, this dating game. This way 00:20:47.849 --> 00:20:51.970 of seeing dating basically just says, fuck your 00:20:51.970 --> 00:20:56.250 feelings, you as a person playing this game about 00:20:56.250 --> 00:21:00.529 what you actually want and who you are and how 00:21:00.529 --> 00:21:03.089 you value yourself, your self -perception or 00:21:03.089 --> 00:21:05.390 what you like about yourself. None of that matters, 00:21:05.430 --> 00:21:08.769 right? What matters is whether or not you stack 00:21:08.769 --> 00:21:11.869 up to these external standards that's now imposed 00:21:11.869 --> 00:21:18.220 on you. And you only see your value insofar as 00:21:18.220 --> 00:21:22.180 you fit these standards, how you stack up, whether 00:21:22.180 --> 00:21:25.240 or not all these potential partners value you 00:21:25.240 --> 00:21:29.599 enough to go out on a date with you. Notice what's 00:21:29.599 --> 00:21:31.599 happening, right? What's missing in all of this 00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:36.700 is you. You're the one that's doing the dating 00:21:36.700 --> 00:21:40.359 and yet who you are. Your image of yourself, 00:21:40.720 --> 00:21:44.700 your own history, and the kind of person that 00:21:44.700 --> 00:21:47.599 you value yourself to be, and all the things 00:21:47.599 --> 00:21:49.380 that you might value about yourself that doesn't 00:21:49.380 --> 00:21:52.440 fit in or map onto any of these standards, right? 00:21:53.119 --> 00:21:55.900 That's all missing. That's all gone in this conversation. 00:21:56.759 --> 00:21:59.920 All you are, then, in this game, if we're playing 00:21:59.920 --> 00:22:03.079 along these lines of whether or not you meet 00:22:03.079 --> 00:22:05.980 these standards of what a high -value man is 00:22:05.980 --> 00:22:08.799 by these potential partners, right? What you 00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:11.339 end up doing then is that you made yourself into 00:22:11.339 --> 00:22:14.420 just nothing more than some combination of qualities, 00:22:14.440 --> 00:22:16.279 like a Build -A -Bear or something, right? It's 00:22:16.279 --> 00:22:18.099 like you're taking, oh, I like this quality. 00:22:18.200 --> 00:22:21.480 I'm going to add that to the shopping cart. Oh, 00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:23.480 I like that quality. I'm going to add that to 00:22:23.480 --> 00:22:25.160 the shopping cart. And then you just smush it 00:22:25.160 --> 00:22:28.819 all together. And whether or not you have all 00:22:28.819 --> 00:22:30.579 these things, that's what determines whether 00:22:30.579 --> 00:22:34.319 or not you are a high -value man, okay? If a 00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:38.220 partner sees you in this way, right? Just think 00:22:38.220 --> 00:22:41.259 how degrading it is for you, how dehumanizing 00:22:41.259 --> 00:22:46.880 it is, how used you must feel. You're not being 00:22:46.880 --> 00:22:49.880 valued at all for who you actually are, but whether 00:22:49.880 --> 00:22:51.539 or not you meet these standards, whether you 00:22:51.539 --> 00:22:53.980 have these qualities, right? Look, when I hear 00:22:53.980 --> 00:22:57.640 a man say, I don't like being used for my money, 00:22:57.680 --> 00:23:00.019 this is exactly what I'm talking about. It doesn't 00:23:00.019 --> 00:23:02.240 feel good. It doesn't feel good, does it? It 00:23:02.240 --> 00:23:05.480 feels like you're being used, doesn't it? Why 00:23:05.480 --> 00:23:08.559 is that? Because the person in front of you, 00:23:08.599 --> 00:23:13.680 they don't seem to be valuing you for you, but 00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:17.099 rather for your money, the quality, not you, 00:23:17.240 --> 00:23:20.240 but the quality, the characteristic you bring 00:23:20.240 --> 00:23:23.160 to the table, right? How is it any different 00:23:23.160 --> 00:23:26.539 than any of these other standards that we use 00:23:26.539 --> 00:23:28.640 to stack ourselves against each other, right? 00:23:28.980 --> 00:23:31.940 Imagine hearing, I want to be with you because 00:23:31.940 --> 00:23:34.640 of your looks, because other people like you, 00:23:34.660 --> 00:23:38.230 because you're tall. You, a person, have been 00:23:38.230 --> 00:23:40.769 reduced down to these qualities, nothing more. 00:23:42.130 --> 00:23:44.970 You, as a whole person, as an actual human being, 00:23:45.089 --> 00:23:47.849 is not what matters. It's the qualities that 00:23:47.849 --> 00:23:51.269 you have. And you're in there screaming out like, 00:23:51.369 --> 00:23:55.230 hey, I want you to like me for me. I get that 00:23:55.230 --> 00:23:57.890 all these things are nice, but I also want you 00:23:57.890 --> 00:24:01.529 to get to know me and like me, like who I am, 00:24:01.630 --> 00:24:05.029 that is distinct from just... some all these 00:24:05.029 --> 00:24:07.589 different qualities that i tend to that i might 00:24:07.589 --> 00:24:12.190 happen to have okay now while this notion of 00:24:12.190 --> 00:24:15.930 a high value man says who you are isn't enough 00:24:15.930 --> 00:24:19.089 if you don't meet these standards that's the 00:24:19.089 --> 00:24:21.769 that's the that's the distinction right like 00:24:21.769 --> 00:24:24.230 you want to be like for yourself but this notion 00:24:24.230 --> 00:24:27.049 of a high value man says the exact opposite says 00:24:27.049 --> 00:24:30.029 look who you are doesn't matter all that matters 00:24:30.029 --> 00:24:32.049 is whether or not you meet up to these standards 00:24:32.049 --> 00:24:34.970 whether you have these qualities So you play 00:24:34.970 --> 00:24:37.130 the comparison game because clearly you're not 00:24:37.130 --> 00:24:39.369 good enough if a person is not willing to go 00:24:39.369 --> 00:24:42.410 on a date with you, but is willing to do so with 00:24:42.410 --> 00:24:46.289 someone else. So then you now feel like you need 00:24:46.289 --> 00:24:48.549 to improve yourself on this scale of value that 00:24:48.549 --> 00:24:52.089 others are using. And you're fully playing the 00:24:52.089 --> 00:24:54.670 game now, the game that just others dragged you 00:24:54.670 --> 00:24:58.450 into playing. And in this game, you know, jealousy, 00:24:58.549 --> 00:25:02.440 resentment, pride. all masked as some natural, 00:25:02.619 --> 00:25:05.160 normal competition becomes a central theme in 00:25:05.160 --> 00:25:08.240 your dating life. And then so what does your 00:25:08.240 --> 00:25:10.940 dating life look like? You're constantly working 00:25:10.940 --> 00:25:13.339 to meet these standards, but never receiving 00:25:13.339 --> 00:25:17.619 love for who you are. Because that's not the 00:25:17.619 --> 00:25:19.660 way love works in your mind at this point. Once 00:25:19.660 --> 00:25:22.339 you're fully immersed in this game, you've convinced 00:25:22.339 --> 00:25:25.519 yourself that other people love you for the qualities 00:25:25.519 --> 00:25:30.569 you have and nothing more. And so what are you 00:25:30.569 --> 00:25:32.849 left with? You're left feeling lonely, depressed, 00:25:33.269 --> 00:25:36.269 unseen, unappreciated. Is this all sounding familiar? 00:25:36.950 --> 00:25:41.009 Right? You don't feel love for who you are because 00:25:41.009 --> 00:25:45.130 when you're playing the game in this way, you 00:25:45.130 --> 00:25:46.670 don't think that the other person loves you for 00:25:46.670 --> 00:25:48.309 who you are. You think that they love you for 00:25:48.309 --> 00:25:52.190 these qualities. And so you do your best to try 00:25:52.190 --> 00:25:53.990 to keep up. Make sure that you maintain these 00:25:53.990 --> 00:25:56.470 qualities. Once you lose them, the fear then 00:25:56.470 --> 00:25:59.069 is that you're going to lose this affection that 00:25:59.069 --> 00:26:07.950 this person supposedly shows you. Here's where 00:26:07.950 --> 00:26:10.470 people start to point finger outward. Blame society, 00:26:10.829 --> 00:26:16.109 the dating world, women. Slow your horses. When 00:26:16.109 --> 00:26:19.589 it comes to this whole dating game stuff, let 00:26:19.589 --> 00:26:22.750 me ask you, do you like yourself? Look, I'm genuinely 00:26:22.750 --> 00:26:27.910 asking, do you like yourself? Okay? If you do 00:26:27.910 --> 00:26:30.569 like yourself, right, what do you like about 00:26:30.569 --> 00:26:35.190 yourself? Now, when you are wanting to date someone, 00:26:35.369 --> 00:26:38.029 what is it that you are really wanting? Isn't 00:26:38.029 --> 00:26:39.910 it quite simple? I mean, at least it is for me. 00:26:39.950 --> 00:26:41.890 I mean, you might think differently, but I don't 00:26:41.890 --> 00:26:43.930 know. For me, it's quite simple. You want the 00:26:43.930 --> 00:26:46.630 person you're with to like you for the very things 00:26:46.630 --> 00:26:51.839 you like about yourself. Right? You won't want 00:26:51.839 --> 00:26:56.230 them to like you for your potential. This is 00:26:56.230 --> 00:26:58.150 kind of like a lot of guys. I've heard a lot 00:26:58.150 --> 00:27:00.710 of guys talk about like, oh, I don't want to 00:27:00.710 --> 00:27:03.950 feel like a project. And I get it. Part of what's 00:27:03.950 --> 00:27:06.250 going on here is that you feel like they like 00:27:06.250 --> 00:27:08.329 you for your potential and not for who you are. 00:27:08.569 --> 00:27:10.650 So you don't feel accepted and you don't feel 00:27:10.650 --> 00:27:13.450 appreciated and loved for who you are. You feel 00:27:13.450 --> 00:27:16.869 loved for who you will become if you do the right 00:27:16.869 --> 00:27:19.750 things. So again, it's now this more performative 00:27:19.750 --> 00:27:21.970 thing where you need to match up and develop 00:27:21.970 --> 00:27:25.430 certain qualities to gain affection. No, what 00:27:25.430 --> 00:27:27.230 you really want at the heart of it is you want 00:27:27.230 --> 00:27:30.509 them to like you for you. So then, why are you 00:27:30.509 --> 00:27:33.309 seeking out being valued by those who don't see 00:27:33.309 --> 00:27:36.650 this in you? Again, return to what I had said 00:27:36.650 --> 00:27:39.309 earlier about the way we confuse what matters. 00:27:40.069 --> 00:27:43.450 Do you want to be valued for your true value, 00:27:43.549 --> 00:27:46.369 or do you only want the perception of value? 00:27:47.169 --> 00:27:49.529 Some people will say that perception is all that 00:27:49.529 --> 00:27:52.130 matters. Fine. If that's you, try living that 00:27:52.130 --> 00:27:55.130 way and see how empty your life feels. Go. I 00:27:55.130 --> 00:27:57.829 do it. Come back to me. Let me know when you 00:27:57.829 --> 00:28:00.210 feel like, no, that's the right way to go. I 00:28:00.210 --> 00:28:01.569 should have just cared only about perception 00:28:01.569 --> 00:28:05.089 and that's all that matters to me. We'll have 00:28:05.089 --> 00:28:07.450 a conversation when we get to that point. If 00:28:07.450 --> 00:28:11.849 you're like me, you want to just be valued for 00:28:11.849 --> 00:28:14.960 the value that you really hold. You want to be 00:28:14.960 --> 00:28:18.099 appreciated for who you actually are, not for 00:28:18.099 --> 00:28:21.619 what you can do for someone else, but just for 00:28:21.619 --> 00:28:24.900 being who you are. You want to be valued for 00:28:24.900 --> 00:28:26.660 the fact that you're caring and considerate, 00:28:26.680 --> 00:28:29.099 reflected in the way that you spend money on 00:28:29.099 --> 00:28:30.940 others, not for the fact that you spend money 00:28:30.940 --> 00:28:34.680 on others, not for the behavior, but rather for 00:28:34.680 --> 00:28:37.720 the fact that it's a reflection of your truest 00:28:37.720 --> 00:28:41.480 self. You want to be valued for wanting to maintain 00:28:41.480 --> 00:28:45.250 good health. or for enjoying exercise, not for 00:28:45.250 --> 00:28:48.809 being somebody that can be paraded around in 00:28:48.809 --> 00:28:51.670 public with a new outfit or with a certain body, 00:28:51.809 --> 00:28:54.049 right? Like, that's not, that's like, you feel 00:28:54.049 --> 00:28:56.529 used. You feel like an object. What a horrible 00:28:56.529 --> 00:29:01.349 feeling, okay? Look, everything I'm saying here 00:29:01.349 --> 00:29:03.589 about the dating world also applies everywhere 00:29:03.589 --> 00:29:06.380 else in life, like in the workplace. As an employee, 00:29:06.759 --> 00:29:09.319 what is it that you're really wanting? You want 00:29:09.319 --> 00:29:12.819 to be seen for the value you bring to the business. 00:29:13.299 --> 00:29:16.019 You want to be paid in a way that reflects the 00:29:16.019 --> 00:29:18.640 value you bring. You want to be treated in a 00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:22.299 way that shows that you are valued. When we talk 00:29:22.299 --> 00:29:24.200 about job satisfaction, this is what we're talking 00:29:24.200 --> 00:29:27.940 about. When you aren't being paid a fair wage, 00:29:28.240 --> 00:29:32.980 yes, it's unfair, but more personally, the reason 00:29:32.980 --> 00:29:36.519 you feel slighted is that It's that the paycheck 00:29:36.519 --> 00:29:39.880 seems to be a reflection of how the company values 00:29:39.880 --> 00:29:42.579 you, and it seems like the company isn't valuing 00:29:42.579 --> 00:29:46.900 you properly. They're not seeing the real value 00:29:46.900 --> 00:29:50.180 in you, the way that you think that you should 00:29:50.180 --> 00:29:53.119 be valued. Even more, you might experience competition 00:29:53.119 --> 00:29:55.599 within the company for promotions and raises, 00:29:55.779 --> 00:29:59.470 pitting you against your coworkers. When it's 00:29:59.470 --> 00:30:01.970 not a healthy competition, it rarely is when 00:30:01.970 --> 00:30:04.250 there are high stakes like money and livelihoods 00:30:04.250 --> 00:30:07.849 involved, right? Then we now see our coworkers 00:30:07.849 --> 00:30:10.029 differently. It becomes harder to be happy for 00:30:10.029 --> 00:30:12.009 a coworker's success or recognition. What we 00:30:12.009 --> 00:30:13.690 do is we're, again, playing the comparison game. 00:30:13.970 --> 00:30:16.490 And then we do this to each other, right? We 00:30:16.490 --> 00:30:20.170 feel devalued. We feel overly valued, but we 00:30:20.170 --> 00:30:22.589 don't care. We just want to be better than the 00:30:22.589 --> 00:30:24.309 other person. We want to get paid more than the 00:30:24.309 --> 00:30:27.589 person next to us, right? Again, we end up playing 00:30:27.589 --> 00:30:30.950 these games that end up deviating us, pulling 00:30:30.950 --> 00:30:37.609 us away from who we genuinely are and the value 00:30:37.609 --> 00:30:40.589 that we genuinely bring. What I'm pointing out 00:30:40.589 --> 00:30:43.549 is that when we set up the world and discussions 00:30:43.549 --> 00:30:50.150 of what it is to be a man in this way, that assumes 00:30:50.150 --> 00:30:53.150 or incorporates the idea that the value you see 00:30:53.150 --> 00:30:56.480 in yourself doesn't matter. and that your value 00:30:56.480 --> 00:30:59.579 is not as important as what it is in comparison 00:30:59.579 --> 00:31:02.839 to others, we create space for something really 00:31:02.839 --> 00:31:05.900 toxic. For too long, men have been put in this 00:31:05.900 --> 00:31:07.960 kind of space, and then you wonder why so many 00:31:07.960 --> 00:31:11.019 of us turn out to be complete bitches. We get 00:31:11.019 --> 00:31:12.839 too caught up in this shit and lose ourselves 00:31:12.839 --> 00:31:15.660 in the process. Let me give you a personal example. 00:31:15.779 --> 00:31:17.900 Like, look, when I was in 10th grade, it was 00:31:17.900 --> 00:31:21.000 geometry class. I had a teacher who would jokingly, 00:31:21.019 --> 00:31:22.640 I mean, I love the guy to death, but he would 00:31:22.640 --> 00:31:24.740 jokingly call me King Albert because I often 00:31:24.740 --> 00:31:28.759 got high marks on tests. I just happened to be 00:31:28.759 --> 00:31:31.099 very good at math. And I also happened to be 00:31:31.099 --> 00:31:33.619 very competitive at the time. And so I always 00:31:33.619 --> 00:31:35.880 wanted to get the top score on all the tests, 00:31:35.960 --> 00:31:37.839 right? And of course, when I didn't get the highest 00:31:37.839 --> 00:31:40.059 mark, he would jokingly say that I had lost my 00:31:40.059 --> 00:31:44.779 crown, right? Now, I didn't think this, itself 00:31:44.779 --> 00:31:46.660 is something horrible. I'm sharing this story 00:31:46.660 --> 00:31:48.700 because there was a recurring theme throughout 00:31:48.700 --> 00:31:51.859 my academic career. I got caught up in this game 00:31:51.859 --> 00:31:54.740 of trying to stay on top academically, right? 00:31:55.440 --> 00:31:58.220 I had to be the smartest. I had to have the highest 00:31:58.220 --> 00:32:00.700 grades, right? Some of this was driven by my 00:32:00.700 --> 00:32:02.380 own anxieties. I've spoken about it in other 00:32:02.380 --> 00:32:06.160 episodes of my podcast, but I also felt a deep 00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:09.059 sense of pride in this part of myself, right? 00:32:09.460 --> 00:32:12.279 That this is one place where I knew that I felt 00:32:12.279 --> 00:32:14.700 like I knew I could succeed. I wrapped my identity 00:32:14.700 --> 00:32:17.980 around this idea that I was smart, I was competitive 00:32:17.980 --> 00:32:21.180 as hell, and it was toxic. Not to others, right? 00:32:21.539 --> 00:32:24.740 Other people, I think, I might have overthought. 00:32:25.039 --> 00:32:26.460 how much other people might care, but other people 00:32:26.460 --> 00:32:28.559 really didn't care, right? Other people may not 00:32:28.559 --> 00:32:30.660 have even noticed. They might not have even, 00:32:30.700 --> 00:32:33.220 you know, batted an eye at it, right? It was 00:32:33.220 --> 00:32:35.819 toxic to me. So here's what happened. In college, 00:32:35.839 --> 00:32:39.599 I started every term with a sign that I would 00:32:39.599 --> 00:32:42.000 make for myself of the outcomes that I wanted 00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:46.579 in that particular term, right? And one of the 00:32:46.579 --> 00:32:48.319 recurring things that I had on my list was A 00:32:48.319 --> 00:32:52.200 plus for every single one of my classes. Anything 00:32:52.200 --> 00:32:55.019 else is a failure. All right. Highest honors. 00:32:55.140 --> 00:32:58.119 Right. Get this award. Yada, yada. Right. Okay. 00:32:59.400 --> 00:33:01.500 When I hit these goals, I felt like the shit 00:33:01.500 --> 00:33:03.259 because I felt like I was better than everyone 00:33:03.259 --> 00:33:06.259 else. When I missed, I felt like I wasn't anything. 00:33:06.460 --> 00:33:11.759 I felt low. Okay. None of what I was feeling 00:33:11.759 --> 00:33:15.440 was or doing was actually tracking reality. I 00:33:15.440 --> 00:33:19.200 mean, look. A plus, if you don't know in college, 00:33:19.319 --> 00:33:20.880 some of these classes, some of these instructors 00:33:20.880 --> 00:33:23.740 don't actually even give out any A pluses. A 00:33:23.740 --> 00:33:26.940 plus didn't even exist for some of these classes, 00:33:26.980 --> 00:33:29.140 but I still put it as a goal. I was setting myself 00:33:29.140 --> 00:33:33.500 up for failure. It actually also didn't impact. 00:33:33.900 --> 00:33:36.640 your GPA, right? So, you know, an A, an A +, 00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:38.819 they were all the same GPA, at least the college 00:33:38.819 --> 00:33:41.880 I went to, made zero difference, right? So what 00:33:41.880 --> 00:33:44.819 I was striving for didn't map onto reality in 00:33:44.819 --> 00:33:46.700 any way. It didn't actually translate into anything 00:33:46.700 --> 00:33:50.140 meaningful. It was just more me feeling a need 00:33:50.140 --> 00:33:52.740 to, as a matter of soul, matter of pride, of 00:33:52.740 --> 00:33:55.319 needing to feel comparatively smarter than others, 00:33:55.420 --> 00:33:56.720 right? It's like if I got an A +, and the person 00:33:56.720 --> 00:33:58.539 next to me got an A, then I was better than them, 00:33:58.579 --> 00:34:01.539 right? Okay, so you can imagine how crushed I 00:34:01.539 --> 00:34:04.190 was when reality slapped me in the face and I 00:34:04.190 --> 00:34:07.230 got rejected one after another from one PhD program 00:34:07.230 --> 00:34:09.550 after another. I think I applied to about 25 00:34:09.550 --> 00:34:13.719 schools. I got into two, but one of those acceptances 00:34:13.719 --> 00:34:15.460 didn't feel like a real acceptance because they 00:34:15.460 --> 00:34:17.820 didn't really offer full financial support. And 00:34:17.820 --> 00:34:20.260 if you know anything about philosophy, PhD programs, 00:34:20.460 --> 00:34:22.079 if you're not going to get full financial backing 00:34:22.079 --> 00:34:24.199 and you don't have parents who could pay for 00:34:24.199 --> 00:34:26.260 your education, you're going to take on debt 00:34:26.260 --> 00:34:30.019 that you probably can't repay, right? So I essentially 00:34:30.019 --> 00:34:33.579 got only one offer, and that was demoralizing 00:34:33.579 --> 00:34:37.380 to my ego. Then I started the program and realized, 00:34:37.519 --> 00:34:39.719 damn, the other students were damn good at what 00:34:39.719 --> 00:34:42.690 they do. In fact, they were better than me. I 00:34:42.690 --> 00:34:44.730 could tell. I was playing the comparison game. 00:34:45.010 --> 00:34:47.190 I was trying to stack myself up against the people 00:34:47.190 --> 00:34:49.989 that were next to me. And I was like, shit, I 00:34:49.989 --> 00:34:52.969 thought I was a shit. But these people are better 00:34:52.969 --> 00:34:55.929 at what they do, right? Ooh, their insights are 00:34:55.929 --> 00:34:58.610 much more insightful, right? Ooh, their papers 00:34:58.610 --> 00:35:00.809 are of higher quality. Ooh, they published something 00:35:00.809 --> 00:35:02.469 that I would never have been able to publish, 00:35:02.550 --> 00:35:05.550 right? All that insecurity I was trying to mask 00:35:05.550 --> 00:35:08.730 with accolades, I couldn't mask it anymore. Reality 00:35:08.730 --> 00:35:15.190 always wins. Reality always wins. And the reality 00:35:15.190 --> 00:35:19.119 was that I wasn't the shit. Did that mean that 00:35:19.119 --> 00:35:22.360 I had no value? No, but it sure felt that way 00:35:22.360 --> 00:35:25.719 because I wasn't thinking of what value I actually 00:35:25.719 --> 00:35:29.199 had. I wasn't even concerned with anything about 00:35:29.199 --> 00:35:33.920 myself. I was so consumed by the outside standards, 00:35:34.019 --> 00:35:37.480 the perceived rank and value in society, in the 00:35:37.480 --> 00:35:40.300 academic sphere, in whatever circle I was running 00:35:40.300 --> 00:35:44.760 in. I lost myself in that game and so couldn't 00:35:44.760 --> 00:35:47.400 even love myself, couldn't even appreciate how 00:35:47.400 --> 00:35:51.739 far I had come or how much I had grown as a learner, 00:35:51.900 --> 00:35:53.840 as an instructor, in all these different ways 00:35:53.840 --> 00:35:56.320 that I have grown and matured and become better. 00:35:56.400 --> 00:35:58.179 I couldn't even appreciate it because I was so 00:35:58.179 --> 00:36:02.880 caught up in this comparison game. This is a 00:36:02.880 --> 00:36:05.860 real consequence of treating dating, work, friendships, 00:36:06.179 --> 00:36:10.199 just life in general in that way. We end up having 00:36:10.199 --> 00:36:13.260 a hard time loving and appreciating ourselves. 00:36:14.039 --> 00:36:16.760 We cannot see ourselves as anything other than 00:36:16.760 --> 00:36:19.179 how the world views us, sometimes even worse. 00:36:19.400 --> 00:36:21.780 The world might not even view us in that way, 00:36:21.800 --> 00:36:24.719 but we think because we project onto the world 00:36:24.719 --> 00:36:28.239 what we think that they want from us. And so 00:36:28.239 --> 00:36:30.260 sometimes we impose even a harsher standard on 00:36:30.260 --> 00:36:32.559 ourselves. And so no wonder you feel like shit 00:36:32.559 --> 00:36:36.860 when you play this game. Look, I'll be direct. 00:36:37.019 --> 00:36:42.179 The very idea of a high -value man is some bullshit 00:36:42.179 --> 00:36:46.219 bitch -assetry. It promotes a way of viewing 00:36:46.219 --> 00:36:48.980 ourselves that leaves us at the mercy of others' 00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:52.000 perception of us, and it leaves us trapped in 00:36:52.000 --> 00:36:54.800 an unwinnable game of comparing ourselves to 00:36:54.800 --> 00:36:59.139 others. When you are living for others, and especially 00:36:59.139 --> 00:37:02.880 in some comparison game, you don't stand on your 00:37:02.880 --> 00:37:06.260 own shit, right? Like what you end up becoming 00:37:06.260 --> 00:37:09.340 is just like a shell of a real person. You don't 00:37:09.340 --> 00:37:11.719 even take the time to think about what you genuinely 00:37:11.719 --> 00:37:14.019 care about, about whether you're living the life 00:37:14.019 --> 00:37:16.340 that you actually want for yourself. In fact, 00:37:16.360 --> 00:37:18.900 you might be so detached from yourself at that 00:37:18.900 --> 00:37:22.119 point that you, if I asked you like, what do 00:37:22.119 --> 00:37:26.059 you really want outside apart from all the kind 00:37:26.059 --> 00:37:28.420 of standards that you're trying to live up to, 00:37:28.519 --> 00:37:32.650 you might not even have an answer. You're constantly 00:37:32.650 --> 00:37:36.289 looking to be seen by others and to be valued 00:37:36.289 --> 00:37:38.929 by others instead of actually valuing yourself. 00:37:39.050 --> 00:37:42.329 I can't think of a bigger bitch than that. So 00:37:42.329 --> 00:37:46.170 then what should you do? Look, I don't have all 00:37:46.170 --> 00:37:48.369 the answers. I'm not an expert. I often tell 00:37:48.369 --> 00:37:50.630 students this, and my students always tell me, 00:37:50.690 --> 00:37:52.010 like, you always say the same thing, right? Like, 00:37:52.070 --> 00:37:54.210 go see a therapist, right? Because I think at 00:37:54.210 --> 00:37:56.190 the end of the day, you need to figure out what 00:37:56.190 --> 00:37:59.630 actually works for you, you know, because it's 00:37:59.630 --> 00:38:01.309 your life. It's not mine, right? It's your life, 00:38:01.349 --> 00:38:04.630 right? But I do want people to, like, collectively 00:38:04.630 --> 00:38:07.489 to take a moment, step back, and ask themselves, 00:38:07.750 --> 00:38:10.340 right? Like, look, who... are you and who do 00:38:10.340 --> 00:38:12.480 you want to be? Like, who do you genuinely want 00:38:12.480 --> 00:38:15.019 to be? A lot of this is going to involve you 00:38:15.019 --> 00:38:18.159 being able to have a deep understanding of your 00:38:18.159 --> 00:38:21.460 own history, of how you're raised, about your 00:38:21.460 --> 00:38:24.159 own experiences and how that impacted you, and 00:38:24.159 --> 00:38:26.679 what ultimately kind of ends up mattering most 00:38:26.679 --> 00:38:29.300 to you, right? But ask yourself, like, what kind 00:38:29.300 --> 00:38:32.619 of a person do you want to truly be? Set aside 00:38:32.619 --> 00:38:35.559 any concern for how you'll be perceived or how 00:38:35.559 --> 00:38:38.130 you'll be, you know, when you're stuck. yourself 00:38:38.130 --> 00:38:41.949 up to other people think only of yourself right 00:38:41.949 --> 00:38:45.630 turn your attention inward are you the kind of 00:38:45.630 --> 00:38:48.269 person who loves to geek out about board games 00:38:48.269 --> 00:38:52.210 do you find joy in watching anime and cosplaying 00:38:52.210 --> 00:38:55.050 and interacting with others at comic -con do 00:38:55.050 --> 00:38:57.889 you prefer to express yourself through interpretive 00:38:57.889 --> 00:39:01.570 dance what matters to you and what you love about 00:39:01.570 --> 00:39:04.530 yourself is where you need to start If you're 00:39:04.530 --> 00:39:06.269 having trouble, my guess is that you've been 00:39:06.269 --> 00:39:10.250 so consumed by how others have valued you in 00:39:10.250 --> 00:39:12.690 the past or the demands that you feel maybe now 00:39:12.690 --> 00:39:16.030 on you that you might not even know yourself 00:39:16.030 --> 00:39:17.650 well enough to be able to answer these questions. 00:39:18.130 --> 00:39:20.590 Then this would be a good time to discover something 00:39:20.590 --> 00:39:23.670 about yourself. And like I always tell my students, 00:39:24.130 --> 00:39:26.130 then also go see a therapist because that would 00:39:26.130 --> 00:39:27.730 be a great place to go ahead and do this kind 00:39:27.730 --> 00:39:30.889 of self -discovery. Look, I'm not saying that 00:39:30.889 --> 00:39:33.070 you should be or do whatever the hell you feel 00:39:33.070 --> 00:39:35.889 like. we'll unpack this as we go um you know 00:39:35.889 --> 00:39:38.289 through the series right but uh what it takes 00:39:38.289 --> 00:39:40.170 to stomp out the inner bitch in you right but 00:39:40.170 --> 00:39:43.269 you can't even begin the process of not being 00:39:43.269 --> 00:39:46.869 a bitch if you start under the control of others 00:39:46.869 --> 00:39:49.929 other people's expectations and demands right 00:39:49.929 --> 00:39:54.130 that being under that control, right? Being under 00:39:54.130 --> 00:39:56.190 those standards and living under those standards 00:39:56.190 --> 00:39:58.369 and just losing yourself, that just, it's like 00:39:58.369 --> 00:40:00.869 automatic bitch. It just automatically will make 00:40:00.869 --> 00:40:03.650 you a bitch. So at least as a starting point, 00:40:03.730 --> 00:40:06.210 you need to start figuring out where the line 00:40:06.210 --> 00:40:09.349 is between the world and you, between the world's 00:40:09.349 --> 00:40:12.269 demands and expectations and your own expectations 00:40:12.269 --> 00:40:16.289 for yourself, okay? And you can't make that separation 00:40:16.289 --> 00:40:19.230 until you have a clear sense of who you are. 00:40:22.539 --> 00:40:25.460 I'll end with this. From my experience, as you 00:40:25.460 --> 00:40:28.619 gain a firmer sense of yourself and what it feels 00:40:28.619 --> 00:40:31.719 like to have a clear distinction between yourself 00:40:31.719 --> 00:40:35.300 and others, you begin to see a bit more clearly 00:40:35.300 --> 00:40:39.119 just how much of a bitch people are when they 00:40:39.119 --> 00:40:41.039 move through the world trying to gain recognition 00:40:41.039 --> 00:40:44.079 from others or play this comparison game. Even 00:40:44.079 --> 00:40:46.360 the ones that are supposedly at the top of this 00:40:46.360 --> 00:40:50.980 game, like the alpha males, right? I didn't get 00:40:50.980 --> 00:40:54.440 here until I was maybe late 30s, 40s. It took 00:40:54.440 --> 00:40:56.480 a while for me, so I'm not going to pass any 00:40:56.480 --> 00:40:59.139 judgment on people who are still working on it 00:40:59.139 --> 00:41:02.179 in adulthood. Once you get to a place of being 00:41:02.179 --> 00:41:05.280 able to see it, even these alpha males, these 00:41:05.280 --> 00:41:07.519 people that are well -respected in the community 00:41:07.519 --> 00:41:09.900 and so on, a lot of them start looking like nothing 00:41:09.900 --> 00:41:14.019 but a bitch. The reason is because you know what 00:41:14.019 --> 00:41:16.000 it feels like to have this good sense of who 00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:18.679 you are as opposed to what the world wants. you 00:41:18.679 --> 00:41:22.099 could see how, based on the way that people move 00:41:22.099 --> 00:41:24.639 through life, you can see how much of their life 00:41:24.639 --> 00:41:28.639 is dedicated to mapping onto what other people 00:41:28.639 --> 00:41:31.099 give them or perception or value that they put 00:41:31.099 --> 00:41:34.320 on them versus how they value themselves, what 00:41:34.320 --> 00:41:36.059 matters to them, what they're passionate about, 00:41:36.139 --> 00:41:38.239 what matters to what they do with their life. 00:41:38.659 --> 00:41:41.219 So as I said, when you give up who you are and 00:41:41.219 --> 00:41:43.460 try to become what everyone else says you should 00:41:43.460 --> 00:41:46.719 be to be of any worth, you've already made yourself 00:41:46.719 --> 00:41:50.880 a bitch. Don't be a bitch. Stand on who you are, 00:41:50.940 --> 00:41:53.579 the good, the bad, the ugly.