I can't think of a better place to start than
this term that I've seen thrown around on the
Internet, the high value man. This term, I think,
captures the root of so much of what goes wrong
in people's conception of masculinity, more than
the boys don't cry or the toughen up talk. OK.
All right. Let's be honest. Men want to feel
valued, to be seen as useful, as someone who
contributes meaningfully to his family, to society,
to loved ones. It feels good to be valued. It
feels shitty when you're not. I think this is
probably true for just about everyone, regardless
of gender. Okay, so far, nothing harmful. Just
normal human desire. Can't fault a person for
wanting to feel valued. It's a way to feel seen
and appreciated for what you bring to the table.
So, okay, so far so good. Here's where shit slowly
starts to get twisted. And I want to be clear
about something. Shit gets twisted not by some
nefarious design. It's not because there's some
evil person like, I'm going to go ahead and mess
with people's head or anything like that. No,
this is just some normal human shit. Let me try
to lay it out. kind of one by one. Alright, so
there's two kind of things that I think are kind
of coming together to create this idea of being
of high value. Okay, so first off, we want to
be valued, but we also conflate being valuable
with being valued. Okay. Alright, so what do
I mean by this? Well, you might be valuable,
right? So you might have some something of value
to bring to the table. But others may not recognize
you for the value that you bring, okay? The former
is your actual value, like what value you actually
bring. The latter is how you're being valued
by others, okay? Sometimes these are aligned,
which I would say is good, right? So oftentimes,
this is what we want, right? If you bring something
to the table, you bring something of value, you
want to be acknowledged by others for the actual
value that you bring, and they do that, that's
good, okay? Sometimes, though, these things deviate,
and it deviates in either direction, right? Either
you are valued more highly than your actual value,
or you're valued less than your actual value,
because people are not seeing what value you
actually have. Again, nothing that's various,
just normal human stuff. We as an individual
or as society don't necessarily value things
correctly. I might simply overlook some of what
you do for the community, and so I undervalue
you. Or I might be overly enthusiastic about
something you did that materially maybe had very
little impact, and so I overvalued what... I
thought you brought, right? What I think you
did. Okay. Mistakes happen. So I'm trying to
exploit these mistakes to create or create them
by puffing themselves up to be more valuable
than they are, right? So you might know people
like this, right? They try to make themselves
out to be bigger than they really are or more
valuable than they are. You know, a co -worker,
a supervisor, you probably know somebody somewhere
in your life that does this. You know, they often
take credit for other people's work or for things
that were like just sheer luck and it's not really
anything that they did themselves to bring it
about. Okay. But there's a reason I stress the
difference between our actual value and how it
is that we are valued. Our value is something
inherent in us and is better aligned with reality.
If I want to be of greater value, I can make
choices or develop skills or whatever else that
I could do in my power to actually be of greater
value, like work harder or whatever else, okay?
How you are valued, however, is not something
under your control. I can do things to shed light
on what I bring to the table to try to make other
people aware so that they would value me. But
if others don't acknowledge it, they don't care,
they don't see it the way that you see it, then
I'm not going to be valued no matter how valuable
I actually am. And you might have experienced
this discrepancy as well at work, at home. You
clearly bring something of value doing some work
or fixing something or contributing in some ways,
but nobody recognizes it. Nobody acknowledges
it. No one appreciates it. And you can't make
other people see it if they don't want to see
it or if they don't bother to or try to, even
if you try to bring it to their attention. Other
people will acknowledge you or not based off
of something about them, not anything necessarily
about you. I hope that distinction is clear.
So here's what happens. Then when we conflate
being valuable with being valued, we begin to
accept that how others value us is our actual
value. And this happens especially if we care
more about how we're being valued. And there's
good reason to care about how we're being valued.
It has material consequences for our lives, right?
It matters for whether or not you get that promotion
or raise. You need to be acknowledged in order
to advance in your career or make more money
or whatever else, right? Charge more for your
services. When we start to conflate these things,
here's what happens. Our self -worth becomes
tied to what others say our worth is. Again,
this is not some horrible thing that the world
imposes on us. I think this is just some fairly
normal, you know. developmental factors that
probably contribute heavily to this right namely
in childhood you know like when our caregivers
perception of us matters greatly and then in
adolescence when it's part of the development
to care more about what our peers our friends
think of us right when others opinion of us matters
so much to us it shouldn't be surprising that
we begin to value ourselves through the eyes
of others this is again everybody Everybody does
this. Everybody feels this way. This is just
normal human stuff, okay? The problem isn't that
people do this. No. The problem is that maturation,
right, growing up, requires that you combat this
to the appropriate degree so that we start to
see ourselves for the true value that we hold,
right? This is so that we don't value ourselves
through the eyes of others, but rather certain
realities about ourselves. Why do I think this
is an important part of maturation? Well, for
one, it's just false to conflate the two. It's
the difference between perception and reality,
right? I don't know about you, but for me, part
of growing up is becoming better at seeing truth.
For instance, you stop believing in Santa Claus
and the Tooth Fairy, right? You can play along.
You could appreciate what it did for your childhood
or whatever else, but you don't really grow up,
at least in part, unless you could differentiate
between falsehoods and reality, right? Like imagination
and reality, okay? So in the least, you should
develop some awareness of the difference between
you know, your own value and people's perception
of your value, right? These are two different
things, right? But second, and I think more importantly,
right, your growth and mental health, I think,
depends on your being able to make this distinction,
right? The longer you stay dependent on other
people's perception of you, if that's all you
care about, because you've kind of like blurred
the lines between your actual value and how people
value you, like you just treat them as one of
the same, right? you tend to then just go ahead
and live your life for other people. You lose
your sense of self. You become all about how
people perceive you. I feel like this is kind
of what fame does to people, right? You become
so absorbed in how people perceive you that matters
so much that you just lose sense of what it is
that you yourself actually want or desire or
what you yourself value, right? What ends up
happening then is because you're constantly under
the control of other people's perception of you,
you're essentially giving up your sense of self,
and this is kind of what leads to things like
depression and anxiety. You're always anxious
about what other people will think of you. You
get depressed when people don't like you. You
become a slave, essentially, to other people's
perception of you. So to recap, Right. Or to
summarize, one mistake that we make is conflating
our actual value versus how others value us.
Right. Again, perfectly natural. But to some
degree, at least, it needs to be combated and
you need to kind of differentiate between them
as you mature. As I said, because this is for
your own good, for your own mental health. But
also, you know, this is just kind of like just
reality. Right. Like seeing reality for what
it is. OK. OK. The second thing that I think
happens is that we care about our value relative
to others. We play the comparison game. We look
at our peers and we see how we stack up against
them. This is not a matter of competition necessarily,
right? So I want to set that aside for now. Though
I will come back to it, right? This is the recognition
of rank or placement in the totem pole of life,
right? Who is higher up in status than another?
Where do I land in this ranking? It's an acknowledgement
that some of us have more or can do more or are
more capable in certain areas than others. We
do this with others, right? Like when we, you
know, argue about the greatest basketball player
of all time and, you know, that's what are we
doing? We're ranking players, right? And we have
arguments about who's better or worse. And we
do this with ourselves. Like when we measure
up our academic placement in our class or when
we rank our, you know, economic class, right?
Like how much we're capable of purchasing. Exactly
what are we tracking? for this ranking varies
based on the situation or the personal interest
or you know whatever it is that you're trying
to compare so you could compare along all kinds
of you know standards it just depends on what
it is that you're kind of comparing right as
long as you're comparing like like to like right
so Some common factors are wealth, power, intellectual
ability, popularity. Sometimes it might be some
combination of these things. Sometimes it's across
generations. Sometimes just amongst your peers
within that generation. Siblings do this with
each other, like who is more liked by a parent
or who is better at something. This is all...
you know distinct from whether or not we have
value we we might have all have value right you
might all think like like you could all be very
intelligent but we would still play this comparison
game uh even though we could all acknowledge
that all of us are intelligent some are more
intelligent than others right or some are more
physically more fit than others or whatnot right
Okay, it's about more or less. Okay. And here
again, it could there could be, you know, this
could match reality, or it could just be perceived
and might just be something that deviates from
reality. Okay. Again, perfectly natural to play
the comparison game. I'm not going to fault you
for playing the comparison game. Everyone does
this. It's perfectly normal. I've never met a
person who's never done this before. People just
do it from an early age, like from childhood
with siblings, later on at school with peers,
later on in adulthood in working life. We all
do this to some degree. Anybody who says that
they don't is full of shit. Pretty normal. However,
again, Maturing, growing up, right, requires
that we keep this comparison game in check, okay?
Like, we don't let it get out of hand. Why is
that? Well, look, comparing yourself to others
in this way, excessively anyways, does real harm,
not to others, but to yourself. One common example
of this that people often reference is keeping
up with the Joneses, right? This idea that, you
know, you move to a neighborhood, you have a
neighbor, and then you start playing the comparison
game, right? Like, oh, they got a new fence.
I was like, so now I need to get a new fence
to keep up with them. Oh, they got a new car
that's shiny and brand new and expensive. I need
to get a new car that's shiny and brand new and
expensive, right? When people start looking at
each other's wealth status and trying to stack
up against them and trying to outrank them and
be better than them and so on, this is when people
tend to get into buying things that they really
can't afford. They stop living within their means
because they're too caught up in this comparison
game. My friend bought this nice expensive...
expensive house. I have a house that suffices
for my own needs, but because my friend is demonstrating
this higher status with their expensive house,
now I feel a need to go ahead and work my butt
off to make more money or to take out loans to
go ahead and get a nicer house relative to my
friend. This makes me feel better because now
I'm higher up in the rank than them. And we continue
to pursue this rank, even if it means that, again,
we make dumb decisions for ourselves, even if
it's financially costly to us, even if it's costly
to our health, we're not taking care of ourselves
or our relationships, right? Sometimes, you know,
because we, you know, like if you get too competitive,
let's say at work, then because you're putting
in all those work hours, then your relationships
start to sour, right? Relationships outside the
work. Okay. Prioritizing rank in this way will
eventually hurt you. The one prioritizing the
rank in this way, that's the person that's going
to get hurt. Again, it's you, not anyone else.
The other people who are not playing this game,
they're not worried about this. You're the one
that's working yourself up to a frenzy in order
to try to keep up with others who are feeling
greater than or less than. It's also psychologically
damaging to constantly be playing this comparison
game. Look, you never feel like you're enough.
And I think this is kind of like what I'm primarily
concerned about, right? Because the truth is
that there will always be someone to compare
yourself to and on some measure will be higher
ranked than you, better than you at something,
right? You're setting yourself up to become insecure
for the rest of your life because you'll never
be satisfied with yourself or your accomplishments
and you're constantly looking to find validation
by beating the person next to you, okay? So you're
doing this to yourself by playing this game.
This is all, again, not out of some competitive
spirit. I can't emphasize this enough. This is
stemming from just your need to go ahead and
be in a higher position than the person next
to you. This is not healthy competition stuff.
This is just downright insecurity, okay? Which
brings me to my final point about why we need
to mature out of this comparison game. When you're
constantly concerned with your position relative
to others, you are putting yourself at the mercy
of this ranking, real or not. It could be some
fake ranking or whatnot. You become absorbed
in this in a way that you end up putting yourself
under the thumb of whatever this ranking is.
You're not acting out of your own desires. You're
not acting out of your true values, the things
that you really care about. You're not prioritizing
in accordance with what you care about. Everything
you're doing is to maintain or improve your rank,
regardless of you, regardless of you. Again,
you're giving up yourself for the sake of keeping
up with whatever this thing is, this comparison
game that you're playing. What you want, essentially,
what you actually want, becomes irrelevant. Because
what matters is that you beat the person next
to you, not whether or not you've accomplished
the things that you yourself actually care about.
So now we have these two considerations on the
table regarding what needs some maturing. there's
a tendency to conflate our actual value with
how others value us. And it's important that
as we mature, we start to make sure that we're
clearly differentiating between those two. And
that, you know, even though it's perfectly normal
to care about how others value us, that we recognize
that that's not the same as how valuable we really
are. And then second, that we play this comparison
game, but we want to make sure that we keep it
in check so that it's not to the detriment of
ourselves and to others. So like any other game,
it's fun and games until it starts hurting people.
So if the comparison game is, and this is kind
of like a surefire way of when you figure out
you went too far, is if it's actually starting
to do harm to yourself financially, health -wise,
in your relationships, in your mental health.
right then the comparison game has gotten out
of hand all right okay so let me return to this
term high value man okay so now that we talked
about all that let's return to this idea of a
high value man what the fuck is a high value
man now I can try to play dumb here and say,
oh, all that means is a man that has some value,
that brings something to the table, you know,
someone who isn't a bum, but who values themselves,
has integrity, yada, yada. Okay, look, that's
bullshit. No one, at least in the public sphere,
is using the term in this way. Maybe there's
individuals here and there that are like, oh,
this is how I understand it, right? Look, it's
not how the term is being used, okay? The way
this term gets thrown around... There seems to
be two implications. One, you're valuable as
a man based on how others or society judges your
value. There's some external standard for whether
or not you're actually valuable. And this is
based off of whether or not you make the right
amount of money, whether you have the right height,
or whatever the standard is. And two, your value
can be compared to others and deemed high or
low on some scale. The reason that we can talk
about a high value man is because there's also
a low value man. So there's now a ranking system
that's just instantly built into this whole concept.
When we put these two together, you end up with
something toxic. You end up with something very
unhealthy, and it's very unhealthy specifically
for men. Let me begin by giving you a simple
example from spaces that use this term high -value
man. The dating world. Assume I am a straight
man looking for a partner, someone to take out
on a date. I am in a pool of other bachelors
looking to find a partner. What makes me a high
-value man? You're higher ranked than all these
other candidates, and you're perceived as such
by the potential partners. What might that be?
It depends on the pool of partners, but oftentimes
this pool of partners might want something along
the lines of you're tall. handsome, make a good
salary, sociable, physically fit, have friends,
respected by the community, educated, come from
a good family, yada, yada, yada. And these are
all things that a potential partner values or
wants. Okay, let's back the fuck up. Think about
what we just set you up for. You now playing
this little game, this dating game. This way
of seeing dating basically just says, fuck your
feelings, you as a person playing this game about
what you actually want and who you are and how
you value yourself, your self -perception or
what you like about yourself. None of that matters,
right? What matters is whether or not you stack
up to these external standards that's now imposed
on you. And you only see your value insofar as
you fit these standards, how you stack up, whether
or not all these potential partners value you
enough to go out on a date with you. Notice what's
happening, right? What's missing in all of this
is you. You're the one that's doing the dating
and yet who you are. Your image of yourself,
your own history, and the kind of person that
you value yourself to be, and all the things
that you might value about yourself that doesn't
fit in or map onto any of these standards, right?
That's all missing. That's all gone in this conversation.
All you are, then, in this game, if we're playing
along these lines of whether or not you meet
these standards of what a high -value man is
by these potential partners, right? What you
end up doing then is that you made yourself into
just nothing more than some combination of qualities,
like a Build -A -Bear or something, right? It's
like you're taking, oh, I like this quality.
I'm going to add that to the shopping cart. Oh,
I like that quality. I'm going to add that to
the shopping cart. And then you just smush it
all together. And whether or not you have all
these things, that's what determines whether
or not you are a high -value man, okay? If a
partner sees you in this way, right? Just think
how degrading it is for you, how dehumanizing
it is, how used you must feel. You're not being
valued at all for who you actually are, but whether
or not you meet these standards, whether you
have these qualities, right? Look, when I hear
a man say, I don't like being used for my money,
this is exactly what I'm talking about. It doesn't
feel good. It doesn't feel good, does it? It
feels like you're being used, doesn't it? Why
is that? Because the person in front of you,
they don't seem to be valuing you for you, but
rather for your money, the quality, not you,
but the quality, the characteristic you bring
to the table, right? How is it any different
than any of these other standards that we use
to stack ourselves against each other, right?
Imagine hearing, I want to be with you because
of your looks, because other people like you,
because you're tall. You, a person, have been
reduced down to these qualities, nothing more.
You, as a whole person, as an actual human being,
is not what matters. It's the qualities that
you have. And you're in there screaming out like,
hey, I want you to like me for me. I get that
all these things are nice, but I also want you
to get to know me and like me, like who I am,
that is distinct from just... some all these
different qualities that i tend to that i might
happen to have okay now while this notion of
a high value man says who you are isn't enough
if you don't meet these standards that's the
that's the that's the distinction right like
you want to be like for yourself but this notion
of a high value man says the exact opposite says
look who you are doesn't matter all that matters
is whether or not you meet up to these standards
whether you have these qualities So you play
the comparison game because clearly you're not
good enough if a person is not willing to go
on a date with you, but is willing to do so with
someone else. So then you now feel like you need
to improve yourself on this scale of value that
others are using. And you're fully playing the
game now, the game that just others dragged you
into playing. And in this game, you know, jealousy,
resentment, pride. all masked as some natural,
normal competition becomes a central theme in
your dating life. And then so what does your
dating life look like? You're constantly working
to meet these standards, but never receiving
love for who you are. Because that's not the
way love works in your mind at this point. Once
you're fully immersed in this game, you've convinced
yourself that other people love you for the qualities
you have and nothing more. And so what are you
left with? You're left feeling lonely, depressed,
unseen, unappreciated. Is this all sounding familiar?
Right? You don't feel love for who you are because
when you're playing the game in this way, you
don't think that the other person loves you for
who you are. You think that they love you for
these qualities. And so you do your best to try
to keep up. Make sure that you maintain these
qualities. Once you lose them, the fear then
is that you're going to lose this affection that
this person supposedly shows you. Here's where
people start to point finger outward. Blame society,
the dating world, women. Slow your horses. When
it comes to this whole dating game stuff, let
me ask you, do you like yourself? Look, I'm genuinely
asking, do you like yourself? Okay? If you do
like yourself, right, what do you like about
yourself? Now, when you are wanting to date someone,
what is it that you are really wanting? Isn't
it quite simple? I mean, at least it is for me.
I mean, you might think differently, but I don't
know. For me, it's quite simple. You want the
person you're with to like you for the very things
you like about yourself. Right? You won't want
them to like you for your potential. This is
kind of like a lot of guys. I've heard a lot
of guys talk about like, oh, I don't want to
feel like a project. And I get it. Part of what's
going on here is that you feel like they like
you for your potential and not for who you are.
So you don't feel accepted and you don't feel
appreciated and loved for who you are. You feel
loved for who you will become if you do the right
things. So again, it's now this more performative
thing where you need to match up and develop
certain qualities to gain affection. No, what
you really want at the heart of it is you want
them to like you for you. So then, why are you
seeking out being valued by those who don't see
this in you? Again, return to what I had said
earlier about the way we confuse what matters.
Do you want to be valued for your true value,
or do you only want the perception of value?
Some people will say that perception is all that
matters. Fine. If that's you, try living that
way and see how empty your life feels. Go. I
do it. Come back to me. Let me know when you
feel like, no, that's the right way to go. I
should have just cared only about perception
and that's all that matters to me. We'll have
a conversation when we get to that point. If
you're like me, you want to just be valued for
the value that you really hold. You want to be
appreciated for who you actually are, not for
what you can do for someone else, but just for
being who you are. You want to be valued for
the fact that you're caring and considerate,
reflected in the way that you spend money on
others, not for the fact that you spend money
on others, not for the behavior, but rather for
the fact that it's a reflection of your truest
self. You want to be valued for wanting to maintain
good health. or for enjoying exercise, not for
being somebody that can be paraded around in
public with a new outfit or with a certain body,
right? Like, that's not, that's like, you feel
used. You feel like an object. What a horrible
feeling, okay? Look, everything I'm saying here
about the dating world also applies everywhere
else in life, like in the workplace. As an employee,
what is it that you're really wanting? You want
to be seen for the value you bring to the business.
You want to be paid in a way that reflects the
value you bring. You want to be treated in a
way that shows that you are valued. When we talk
about job satisfaction, this is what we're talking
about. When you aren't being paid a fair wage,
yes, it's unfair, but more personally, the reason
you feel slighted is that It's that the paycheck
seems to be a reflection of how the company values
you, and it seems like the company isn't valuing
you properly. They're not seeing the real value
in you, the way that you think that you should
be valued. Even more, you might experience competition
within the company for promotions and raises,
pitting you against your coworkers. When it's
not a healthy competition, it rarely is when
there are high stakes like money and livelihoods
involved, right? Then we now see our coworkers
differently. It becomes harder to be happy for
a coworker's success or recognition. What we
do is we're, again, playing the comparison game.
And then we do this to each other, right? We
feel devalued. We feel overly valued, but we
don't care. We just want to be better than the
other person. We want to get paid more than the
person next to us, right? Again, we end up playing
these games that end up deviating us, pulling
us away from who we genuinely are and the value
that we genuinely bring. What I'm pointing out
is that when we set up the world and discussions
of what it is to be a man in this way, that assumes
or incorporates the idea that the value you see
in yourself doesn't matter. and that your value
is not as important as what it is in comparison
to others, we create space for something really
toxic. For too long, men have been put in this
kind of space, and then you wonder why so many
of us turn out to be complete bitches. We get
too caught up in this shit and lose ourselves
in the process. Let me give you a personal example.
Like, look, when I was in 10th grade, it was
geometry class. I had a teacher who would jokingly,
I mean, I love the guy to death, but he would
jokingly call me King Albert because I often
got high marks on tests. I just happened to be
very good at math. And I also happened to be
very competitive at the time. And so I always
wanted to get the top score on all the tests,
right? And of course, when I didn't get the highest
mark, he would jokingly say that I had lost my
crown, right? Now, I didn't think this, itself
is something horrible. I'm sharing this story
because there was a recurring theme throughout
my academic career. I got caught up in this game
of trying to stay on top academically, right?
I had to be the smartest. I had to have the highest
grades, right? Some of this was driven by my
own anxieties. I've spoken about it in other
episodes of my podcast, but I also felt a deep
sense of pride in this part of myself, right?
That this is one place where I knew that I felt
like I knew I could succeed. I wrapped my identity
around this idea that I was smart, I was competitive
as hell, and it was toxic. Not to others, right?
Other people, I think, I might have overthought.
how much other people might care, but other people
really didn't care, right? Other people may not
have even noticed. They might not have even,
you know, batted an eye at it, right? It was
toxic to me. So here's what happened. In college,
I started every term with a sign that I would
make for myself of the outcomes that I wanted
in that particular term, right? And one of the
recurring things that I had on my list was A
plus for every single one of my classes. Anything
else is a failure. All right. Highest honors.
Right. Get this award. Yada, yada. Right. Okay.
When I hit these goals, I felt like the shit
because I felt like I was better than everyone
else. When I missed, I felt like I wasn't anything.
I felt low. Okay. None of what I was feeling
was or doing was actually tracking reality. I
mean, look. A plus, if you don't know in college,
some of these classes, some of these instructors
don't actually even give out any A pluses. A
plus didn't even exist for some of these classes,
but I still put it as a goal. I was setting myself
up for failure. It actually also didn't impact.
your GPA, right? So, you know, an A, an A +,
they were all the same GPA, at least the college
I went to, made zero difference, right? So what
I was striving for didn't map onto reality in
any way. It didn't actually translate into anything
meaningful. It was just more me feeling a need
to, as a matter of soul, matter of pride, of
needing to feel comparatively smarter than others,
right? It's like if I got an A +, and the person
next to me got an A, then I was better than them,
right? Okay, so you can imagine how crushed I
was when reality slapped me in the face and I
got rejected one after another from one PhD program
after another. I think I applied to about 25
schools. I got into two, but one of those acceptances
didn't feel like a real acceptance because they
didn't really offer full financial support. And
if you know anything about philosophy, PhD programs,
if you're not going to get full financial backing
and you don't have parents who could pay for
your education, you're going to take on debt
that you probably can't repay, right? So I essentially
got only one offer, and that was demoralizing
to my ego. Then I started the program and realized,
damn, the other students were damn good at what
they do. In fact, they were better than me. I
could tell. I was playing the comparison game.
I was trying to stack myself up against the people
that were next to me. And I was like, shit, I
thought I was a shit. But these people are better
at what they do, right? Ooh, their insights are
much more insightful, right? Ooh, their papers
are of higher quality. Ooh, they published something
that I would never have been able to publish,
right? All that insecurity I was trying to mask
with accolades, I couldn't mask it anymore. Reality
always wins. Reality always wins. And the reality
was that I wasn't the shit. Did that mean that
I had no value? No, but it sure felt that way
because I wasn't thinking of what value I actually
had. I wasn't even concerned with anything about
myself. I was so consumed by the outside standards,
the perceived rank and value in society, in the
academic sphere, in whatever circle I was running
in. I lost myself in that game and so couldn't
even love myself, couldn't even appreciate how
far I had come or how much I had grown as a learner,
as an instructor, in all these different ways
that I have grown and matured and become better.
I couldn't even appreciate it because I was so
caught up in this comparison game. This is a
real consequence of treating dating, work, friendships,
just life in general in that way. We end up having
a hard time loving and appreciating ourselves.
We cannot see ourselves as anything other than
how the world views us, sometimes even worse.
The world might not even view us in that way,
but we think because we project onto the world
what we think that they want from us. And so
sometimes we impose even a harsher standard on
ourselves. And so no wonder you feel like shit
when you play this game. Look, I'll be direct.
The very idea of a high -value man is some bullshit
bitch -assetry. It promotes a way of viewing
ourselves that leaves us at the mercy of others'
perception of us, and it leaves us trapped in
an unwinnable game of comparing ourselves to
others. When you are living for others, and especially
in some comparison game, you don't stand on your
own shit, right? Like what you end up becoming
is just like a shell of a real person. You don't
even take the time to think about what you genuinely
care about, about whether you're living the life
that you actually want for yourself. In fact,
you might be so detached from yourself at that
point that you, if I asked you like, what do
you really want outside apart from all the kind
of standards that you're trying to live up to,
you might not even have an answer. You're constantly
looking to be seen by others and to be valued
by others instead of actually valuing yourself.
I can't think of a bigger bitch than that. So
then what should you do? Look, I don't have all
the answers. I'm not an expert. I often tell
students this, and my students always tell me,
like, you always say the same thing, right? Like,
go see a therapist, right? Because I think at
the end of the day, you need to figure out what
actually works for you, you know, because it's
your life. It's not mine, right? It's your life,
right? But I do want people to, like, collectively
to take a moment, step back, and ask themselves,
right? Like, look, who... are you and who do
you want to be? Like, who do you genuinely want
to be? A lot of this is going to involve you
being able to have a deep understanding of your
own history, of how you're raised, about your
own experiences and how that impacted you, and
what ultimately kind of ends up mattering most
to you, right? But ask yourself, like, what kind
of a person do you want to truly be? Set aside
any concern for how you'll be perceived or how
you'll be, you know, when you're stuck. yourself
up to other people think only of yourself right
turn your attention inward are you the kind of
person who loves to geek out about board games
do you find joy in watching anime and cosplaying
and interacting with others at comic -con do
you prefer to express yourself through interpretive
dance what matters to you and what you love about
yourself is where you need to start If you're
having trouble, my guess is that you've been
so consumed by how others have valued you in
the past or the demands that you feel maybe now
on you that you might not even know yourself
well enough to be able to answer these questions.
Then this would be a good time to discover something
about yourself. And like I always tell my students,
then also go see a therapist because that would
be a great place to go ahead and do this kind
of self -discovery. Look, I'm not saying that
you should be or do whatever the hell you feel
like. we'll unpack this as we go um you know
through the series right but uh what it takes
to stomp out the inner bitch in you right but
you can't even begin the process of not being
a bitch if you start under the control of others
other people's expectations and demands right
that being under that control, right? Being under
those standards and living under those standards
and just losing yourself, that just, it's like
automatic bitch. It just automatically will make
you a bitch. So at least as a starting point,
you need to start figuring out where the line
is between the world and you, between the world's
demands and expectations and your own expectations
for yourself, okay? And you can't make that separation
until you have a clear sense of who you are.
I'll end with this. From my experience, as you
gain a firmer sense of yourself and what it feels
like to have a clear distinction between yourself
and others, you begin to see a bit more clearly
just how much of a bitch people are when they
move through the world trying to gain recognition
from others or play this comparison game. Even
the ones that are supposedly at the top of this
game, like the alpha males, right? I didn't get
here until I was maybe late 30s, 40s. It took
a while for me, so I'm not going to pass any
judgment on people who are still working on it
in adulthood. Once you get to a place of being
able to see it, even these alpha males, these
people that are well -respected in the community
and so on, a lot of them start looking like nothing
but a bitch. The reason is because you know what
it feels like to have this good sense of who
you are as opposed to what the world wants. you
could see how, based on the way that people move
through life, you can see how much of their life
is dedicated to mapping onto what other people
give them or perception or value that they put
on them versus how they value themselves, what
matters to them, what they're passionate about,
what matters to what they do with their life.
So as I said, when you give up who you are and
try to become what everyone else says you should
be to be of any worth, you've already made yourself
a bitch. Don't be a bitch. Stand on who you are,
the good, the bad, the ugly.