WEBVTT 00:00:28.200 --> 00:00:34.579 I am not a good person. Not a good person, not 00:00:34.579 --> 00:00:38.340 a good father, not a good teacher, not a good 00:00:38.340 --> 00:00:42.060 partner, not a good friend, not a good colleague. 00:00:42.140 --> 00:00:48.119 I am not a good person. These might seem like 00:00:48.119 --> 00:00:52.079 harsh words, maybe jarring or overly self -critical, 00:00:52.200 --> 00:00:59.060 but that's not what this is for me. It's part 00:00:59.060 --> 00:01:01.920 of a larger personal journey for me in trying 00:01:01.920 --> 00:01:05.349 to understand Just what it means for me to be 00:01:05.349 --> 00:01:10.409 a quote -unquote good person. Why it was so important 00:01:10.409 --> 00:01:14.450 for me to see myself as good. And what kind of 00:01:14.450 --> 00:01:20.129 harm, really, that it did to me. The idea first 00:01:20.129 --> 00:01:22.469 entered my head when I was actually teaching 00:01:22.469 --> 00:01:24.969 at Villanova. So this was like well into my 30s. 00:01:25.689 --> 00:01:30.950 And at Villanova, I was having this very interesting 00:01:30.950 --> 00:01:36.549 experience. Um, there, because, uh, you know, 00:01:36.569 --> 00:01:38.510 I don't expect everyone, unless you've actually 00:01:38.510 --> 00:01:40.849 been to Villanova to really understand the culture, 00:01:40.870 --> 00:01:43.189 but the culture there was just politeness. Like 00:01:43.189 --> 00:01:48.530 everybody was so damn polite and I fucking hated 00:01:48.530 --> 00:01:54.090 it. Let me describe the culture. So a vast majority 00:01:54.090 --> 00:01:57.670 of people carry themselves as like caring, polite, 00:01:57.930 --> 00:02:01.709 kind people. They'd smile and acknowledge you 00:02:01.709 --> 00:02:04.189 when they see you, you know, like they wouldn't 00:02:04.189 --> 00:02:06.549 try to like look the other way and pretend like 00:02:06.549 --> 00:02:07.790 they didn't see you. They'd actually acknowledge 00:02:07.790 --> 00:02:11.990 your existence. They'd open doors for you and 00:02:11.990 --> 00:02:13.849 hold them for you, actually, regardless of how 00:02:13.849 --> 00:02:16.740 far away you were and how long it took. for you 00:02:16.740 --> 00:02:19.000 to actually get there without a complaint or 00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:22.979 anything. Um, they regularly compliment you and 00:02:22.979 --> 00:02:25.719 say, thank you. Everyone was nice and polite 00:02:25.719 --> 00:02:33.039 and that pissed me off. And, uh, it seems like 00:02:33.039 --> 00:02:35.560 a very odd way. Like something's wrong with me 00:02:35.560 --> 00:02:38.740 for not wanting people to be kind and polite, 00:02:38.939 --> 00:02:43.479 but, uh, But I really was pissed off. I was really 00:02:43.479 --> 00:02:46.139 super annoyed by it. And it didn't actually take 00:02:46.139 --> 00:02:50.479 long for me to figure out why. Just because I 00:02:50.479 --> 00:02:53.300 thought initially, like, what the hell is wrong 00:02:53.300 --> 00:02:56.599 with me to get so upset over this kind of stuff? 00:02:57.479 --> 00:02:59.360 But I was able to figure it out after having 00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:01.379 some conversations with people real quickly that, 00:03:01.419 --> 00:03:04.819 you know what it was? It was that it just all 00:03:04.819 --> 00:03:10.849 seems so damn fake. Felt like some weird dystopian 00:03:10.849 --> 00:03:15.030 world where people stop being people, but instead 00:03:15.030 --> 00:03:19.110 more like robots that somehow learned how to 00:03:19.110 --> 00:03:21.469 behave in ways that was deemed by some algorithm 00:03:21.469 --> 00:03:25.389 to be pleasant or acceptable in a community, 00:03:25.550 --> 00:03:29.110 right? It was, for me, it was creepy as hell. 00:03:29.349 --> 00:03:33.550 And I didn't like it at all, not one bit. This 00:03:33.550 --> 00:03:37.270 isn't what I knew of people. At least from my 00:03:37.270 --> 00:03:39.710 experience, people are messy. They have all kinds 00:03:39.710 --> 00:03:43.770 of emotions. You know, they are loving or kind, 00:03:44.030 --> 00:03:47.389 rude, angry, supportive, manipulative, empathetic, 00:03:47.409 --> 00:03:49.849 malicious. It's just all over the place. Like 00:03:49.849 --> 00:03:53.810 people aren't just one thing. There are myriad 00:03:53.810 --> 00:03:56.110 of things and they have a myriad of feelings. 00:03:56.270 --> 00:03:58.870 Right. And they have a myriad of ways of viewing 00:03:58.870 --> 00:04:01.710 and engaging with the world. And people aren't 00:04:01.710 --> 00:04:04.289 what I was seeing from both the students and. 00:04:04.889 --> 00:04:08.129 my colleagues at Villanova. Now, I want to be 00:04:08.129 --> 00:04:10.469 clear about something, right? This is not a knock 00:04:10.469 --> 00:04:13.349 on Villanova. This is not to say that there's 00:04:13.349 --> 00:04:15.590 anything wrong with Villanova or that it was 00:04:15.590 --> 00:04:18.250 a bad thing. I'm just pointing out that I reacted 00:04:18.250 --> 00:04:22.189 in a very particular way. And I think what was 00:04:22.189 --> 00:04:24.569 revealing for me is that it revealed a lot about 00:04:24.569 --> 00:04:29.339 what mattered to me and what I would like. the 00:04:29.339 --> 00:04:31.939 world to be, right? So I think for me, it was 00:04:31.939 --> 00:04:35.259 more like a way to gain insight on myself based 00:04:35.259 --> 00:04:38.759 off of my own reaction to a new, to a different 00:04:38.759 --> 00:04:44.680 environment, okay? So then for me, in kind of 00:04:44.680 --> 00:04:48.899 asking this question and exploring this new world 00:04:48.899 --> 00:04:53.300 that I fell right into, right, was why are people 00:04:53.300 --> 00:04:55.839 like this here, right? What is this about? I 00:04:55.839 --> 00:04:58.600 thought maybe it was some sort of like self -reinforcing 00:04:58.600 --> 00:05:00.259 culture. You know how sometimes it happens where 00:05:00.259 --> 00:05:04.500 you walk into a culture and then you just kind 00:05:04.500 --> 00:05:08.100 of learn to adapt to that culture. You, you know, 00:05:08.100 --> 00:05:09.860 take on some of the elements of that culture. 00:05:11.149 --> 00:05:13.269 If you ever traveled abroad for an extended period 00:05:13.269 --> 00:05:15.750 or lived in a different area, you kind of know 00:05:15.750 --> 00:05:17.850 what I'm talking about, right? Where, you know, 00:05:17.850 --> 00:05:20.009 you're not even trying, but you kind of take 00:05:20.009 --> 00:05:22.029 on some of the elements of the community that 00:05:22.029 --> 00:05:26.810 you are living in. And as a result, you end up 00:05:26.810 --> 00:05:29.209 kind of reinforcing some of the kind of cultural 00:05:29.209 --> 00:05:33.769 norms in that area. But then in teaching ethics, 00:05:33.910 --> 00:05:36.889 which was actually a required course at Villanova, 00:05:36.949 --> 00:05:41.250 which I very much appreciated. I started to see 00:05:41.250 --> 00:05:43.610 something in students that I really never asked 00:05:43.610 --> 00:05:47.470 about myself, right? Students wanted to see themselves 00:05:47.470 --> 00:05:52.149 as good people. Let me repeat, because I don't 00:05:52.149 --> 00:05:53.670 want people to misunderstand what I'm trying 00:05:53.670 --> 00:05:56.670 to say here. I did not say that the students 00:05:56.670 --> 00:05:59.310 wanted other people to see them as good people. 00:05:59.810 --> 00:06:02.310 No, no, no. This is not about how they're perceived 00:06:02.310 --> 00:06:06.610 by the outside world. They, by and large, wanted 00:06:06.610 --> 00:06:10.939 to see themselves as good people. It hurt them 00:06:10.939 --> 00:06:16.339 to think of themselves as not being good or clutching 00:06:16.339 --> 00:06:18.779 pearls here, right? My goodness, the thought 00:06:18.779 --> 00:06:21.639 of them being bad, right? It hurt them a lot 00:06:21.639 --> 00:06:23.879 as in it was devastating. It was detrimental 00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:26.860 to their sense of self to think of themselves 00:06:26.860 --> 00:06:30.439 as anything other than good. It was jarring for 00:06:30.439 --> 00:06:33.899 them. I saw this specifically when I would teach 00:06:33.899 --> 00:06:37.100 Peter Singer's Solution to World Poverty, in 00:06:37.100 --> 00:06:40.000 which Singer discusses how we can save lives 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:43.860 and reduce suffering from a lack of food, water, 00:06:43.980 --> 00:06:46.800 shelter, and medical care, all by simply using 00:06:46.800 --> 00:06:49.319 the money that we would use on unnecessary items 00:06:49.319 --> 00:06:52.579 like a new outfit or eating out at a fancy restaurant 00:06:52.579 --> 00:06:55.779 instead of just cooking at home, and instead 00:06:55.779 --> 00:06:59.160 giving all that extra money, capital, to those 00:06:59.160 --> 00:07:02.160 who are suffering. I mean, a few dollars goes 00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:04.800 a long way in terms of providing vaccines and 00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:08.759 to prevent starvation. And a lot of countries, 00:07:08.860 --> 00:07:11.500 even in the United States, actually, the United 00:07:11.500 --> 00:07:15.680 States has an unfortunate reality that there's 00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:18.439 a lot of children starving from lack of access 00:07:18.439 --> 00:07:24.990 to food and nutrition. So Singer's argument is 00:07:24.990 --> 00:07:27.089 fairly simple, right? And it's actually that 00:07:27.089 --> 00:07:31.129 simplicity that gives it its power, right? So 00:07:31.129 --> 00:07:33.709 regardless of the critiques of his arguments, 00:07:33.750 --> 00:07:36.170 and people have pointed out, you know, different 00:07:36.170 --> 00:07:41.209 issues with his specific argument, he does do 00:07:41.209 --> 00:07:43.569 a good job of pointing out, painting a picture 00:07:43.569 --> 00:07:46.699 in which your decision to... treat yourself as 00:07:46.699 --> 00:07:49.860 kind of pitted against reducing the suffering 00:07:49.860 --> 00:07:52.399 of others, right? And you have to decide what 00:07:52.399 --> 00:07:55.639 you do with the knowledge that you actually can 00:07:55.639 --> 00:07:58.600 make a difference with the money that you have 00:07:58.600 --> 00:08:01.699 and the way that you allocate the resources that 00:08:01.699 --> 00:08:04.759 you have, right? And with each class and each 00:08:04.759 --> 00:08:07.759 new batch of students, I started caring less 00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:10.120 and less about Singer's argument and became more 00:08:10.120 --> 00:08:13.160 interested in the guilt that students experience, 00:08:13.560 --> 00:08:15.899 right? Uh, you know, it's not that, it's not 00:08:15.899 --> 00:08:18.160 that I didn't have students that felt guilty, 00:08:18.199 --> 00:08:21.800 um, when I taught singer elsewhere, right? Like 00:08:21.800 --> 00:08:25.040 I've taught, you know, singer, uh, uh, you know, 00:08:25.040 --> 00:08:27.540 in other settings as well. Right. Um, specifically 00:08:27.540 --> 00:08:30.800 like UC Santa Barbara, but also like had these 00:08:30.800 --> 00:08:34.200 discussions, uh, with students in like my, when 00:08:34.200 --> 00:08:35.919 I was teaching like essay private SAT classes. 00:08:36.039 --> 00:08:40.340 Right. Uh, So, you know, I wasn't surprised that 00:08:40.340 --> 00:08:42.220 some students felt guilt. I was surprised by 00:08:42.220 --> 00:08:43.679 the overwhelming number of students that felt 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:47.460 guilt, right? The guilt at Villanova for some 00:08:47.460 --> 00:08:50.580 reason was much more pronounced than in classes 00:08:50.580 --> 00:08:52.940 I've taught elsewhere. And I was curious why. 00:08:53.019 --> 00:08:56.620 Why did it eat at students to acknowledge that 00:08:56.620 --> 00:08:59.559 they think of themselves before others, right? 00:09:01.419 --> 00:09:03.820 You know, to acknowledge that sometimes maybe 00:09:03.820 --> 00:09:06.840 they are more self -interested or, dare I say 00:09:06.840 --> 00:09:15.399 it, even selfish sometimes. I had this exercise 00:09:15.399 --> 00:09:19.940 in which I asked students to just say the words, 00:09:20.179 --> 00:09:22.720 right, I am not a good person. Just say those 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:25.730 words out loud. regardless of whether or not 00:09:25.730 --> 00:09:27.289 they believed it, right? So they didn't even 00:09:27.289 --> 00:09:29.049 have to believe it, right? They just, I just 00:09:29.049 --> 00:09:31.289 wanted them just as like an exercise to try saying 00:09:31.289 --> 00:09:35.549 it out loud and then just kind of sit for a moment 00:09:35.549 --> 00:09:38.450 with how they're feeling, right? Just say the 00:09:38.450 --> 00:09:41.960 words. That's it. Some couldn't even do it, and 00:09:41.960 --> 00:09:45.480 those that did felt a kind of disgust come over 00:09:45.480 --> 00:09:49.639 them, right? As if I had just dumped a bucket 00:09:49.639 --> 00:09:52.519 of feces on them or something. They were physically, 00:09:52.700 --> 00:09:57.059 physiologically just disgusted with just saying 00:09:57.059 --> 00:09:59.179 these words, having it come out of their mouths, 00:09:59.240 --> 00:10:04.100 right? That I am not a good person. Again, I'm 00:10:04.100 --> 00:10:05.460 not saying this to say something about these 00:10:05.460 --> 00:10:07.419 students or Villanova generally. I'm trying to 00:10:07.419 --> 00:10:10.159 tell you that... though it seemed more easily 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:14.799 identifiable with them, the truth is that I also 00:10:14.799 --> 00:10:17.100 had trouble acknowledging how much it mattered 00:10:17.100 --> 00:10:19.960 to me that I see myself as a good person, right? 00:10:20.100 --> 00:10:22.159 You know, it's like one of those things where 00:10:22.159 --> 00:10:28.539 you often see some element of truth or recognize 00:10:28.539 --> 00:10:31.320 something in others before you see it in yourself, 00:10:31.539 --> 00:10:34.299 right? This is the kind of bias that I think 00:10:34.299 --> 00:10:37.090 all people kind of have, right? Which is... this 00:10:37.090 --> 00:10:42.169 sort of self -denial that is strong, and especially 00:10:42.169 --> 00:10:46.429 strong in me, because it's actually really hard 00:10:46.429 --> 00:10:50.149 to acknowledge truths about yourself. If it was 00:10:50.149 --> 00:10:52.970 easy, then I think the world would be a much 00:10:52.970 --> 00:10:54.929 better place. We would all be able to acknowledge 00:10:54.929 --> 00:10:59.210 our faults, our weaknesses, and just be able 00:10:59.210 --> 00:11:01.769 to, you know, take responsibility for the places 00:11:01.769 --> 00:11:05.759 we fall short. But it's hard because we value 00:11:05.759 --> 00:11:08.139 ourselves. And more specifically, I think we 00:11:08.139 --> 00:11:11.019 all value having a certain image of ourselves. 00:11:11.639 --> 00:11:16.299 And for some, and I think in my case, what I 00:11:16.299 --> 00:11:19.279 saw in the students was what I had to start recognizing 00:11:19.279 --> 00:11:23.860 in myself, which was that I had a strong desire 00:11:23.860 --> 00:11:29.740 to see myself as a good person. I don't think 00:11:29.740 --> 00:11:30.820 anybody's like this where they think they're 00:11:30.820 --> 00:11:32.940 perfect, right? Like I didn't think I was perfect, 00:11:33.059 --> 00:11:36.860 but if you were to put me up in some ranking 00:11:36.860 --> 00:11:40.460 system with the rest of the world on like, you 00:11:40.460 --> 00:11:42.379 know, whether or not like on a goodness scale 00:11:42.379 --> 00:11:44.879 or something, right? Like if you just ranked 00:11:44.879 --> 00:11:47.820 me in the world, I would imagine I'd at least 00:11:47.820 --> 00:11:51.259 fall in the 50th percentile. Like at least like 00:11:51.259 --> 00:11:54.179 I'm not a bad person. I wouldn't be like a murderer 00:11:54.179 --> 00:11:57.379 or like a serial, you know, rapist or something, 00:11:57.419 --> 00:12:00.200 right? That would just be awful. Like, I am not 00:12:00.200 --> 00:12:03.580 one of those, right? So I would be, by and large, 00:12:03.759 --> 00:12:06.720 like, neutral at worst. But, you know, I'd try 00:12:06.720 --> 00:12:08.639 to do some good stuff. I would probably lean 00:12:08.639 --> 00:12:10.799 towards good, wouldn't I, right? Like, that's 00:12:10.799 --> 00:12:12.620 kind of how I viewed myself. And it was really 00:12:12.620 --> 00:12:14.279 important that I viewed myself in this way, and 00:12:14.279 --> 00:12:16.919 especially that I was actually viewing myself 00:12:16.919 --> 00:12:19.419 as someone who constantly tried to be better, 00:12:19.500 --> 00:12:23.539 right? That I tried to at least be a better version 00:12:23.539 --> 00:12:27.039 of myself. today than I was yesterday, right? 00:12:27.139 --> 00:12:29.299 That I learned from my mistakes and I'd be a 00:12:29.299 --> 00:12:32.080 better person just in all kinds of settings, 00:12:32.139 --> 00:12:35.840 right? But the place I saw more clearly just 00:12:35.840 --> 00:12:39.919 how much it mattered to me to see myself as being 00:12:39.919 --> 00:12:44.720 good was in the context of my marriage. I needed 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:48.120 to see myself as a good husband. And now that 00:12:48.120 --> 00:12:50.039 means a lot of different things for a lot of 00:12:50.039 --> 00:12:54.620 different people. But for me specifically, This 00:12:54.620 --> 00:12:57.220 was, you know, there's certain narratives that 00:12:57.220 --> 00:12:58.679 kind of went along with it. I told myself things 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:02.779 like I provide. I am more or less responsible. 00:13:03.419 --> 00:13:06.679 I don't forget birthdays or anniversaries. I 00:13:06.679 --> 00:13:09.059 do stuff around the house, right? I try to be 00:13:09.059 --> 00:13:11.940 as egalitarian and share responsibilities in 00:13:11.940 --> 00:13:15.899 the house. I like to cook and, you know, do nice 00:13:15.899 --> 00:13:21.600 things for my partner. Then there was also my 00:13:21.600 --> 00:13:24.480 sense of purpose in life, right? So beyond marriage, 00:13:24.700 --> 00:13:27.879 I had this grander sense of purpose in life of 00:13:27.879 --> 00:13:29.980 wanting to serve others and make the world a 00:13:29.980 --> 00:13:31.779 better place. So I had these narratives that 00:13:31.779 --> 00:13:34.480 I'm a good citizen who tries to make the world 00:13:34.480 --> 00:13:37.980 around me better. I give to those in need, right? 00:13:38.080 --> 00:13:41.679 So all in all, I'm an overall fairly good person. 00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:46.039 Whichever way you cut it at the core, I cared. 00:13:46.139 --> 00:13:49.669 I cared about being a good person. And because 00:13:49.669 --> 00:13:53.629 I cared so much about being a good person, when 00:13:53.629 --> 00:13:56.549 anything threatened that image I had of myself, 00:13:56.830 --> 00:14:01.409 I got defensive. I got really defensive, right? 00:14:02.169 --> 00:14:05.590 It was like when somebody would say or suggest 00:14:05.590 --> 00:14:09.450 something that might paint me as something other 00:14:09.450 --> 00:14:11.610 than a good person, other than a good husband, 00:14:11.730 --> 00:14:15.929 other than a good citizen, right? I would try 00:14:15.929 --> 00:14:19.889 to find a way to deflect or defend against and 00:14:19.889 --> 00:14:21.789 make excuses for myself, a way to defend myself 00:14:21.789 --> 00:14:25.610 against those, you know, real or imagined accusations, 00:14:25.850 --> 00:14:29.090 right? Or insinuation, right? I had an excuse 00:14:29.090 --> 00:14:31.990 ready for everything I did to show that I actually 00:14:31.990 --> 00:14:36.340 wasn't a bad person, right? If I didn't do what 00:14:36.340 --> 00:14:39.019 I had promised, I dropped the ball because I 00:14:39.019 --> 00:14:41.320 was busy doing some other good thing, right? 00:14:41.379 --> 00:14:43.600 Like helping someone else, right? So it was not 00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:46.279 that bad that I broke my promise, right? If I 00:14:46.279 --> 00:14:48.340 snapped at someone, it was because I was stressed 00:14:48.340 --> 00:14:51.500 trying to do too much to give to others or be 00:14:51.500 --> 00:14:55.039 there for others or, you know, make a living 00:14:55.039 --> 00:14:57.240 so that I could support my family or things like 00:14:57.240 --> 00:15:00.480 that, right? I tried to find a way to make myself 00:15:00.480 --> 00:15:03.399 look better in all these situations. And what's 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:06.179 crazy is it wasn't because I was concerned about 00:15:06.179 --> 00:15:11.279 my image for the outside world. I wasn't really 00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:15.039 concerned with what others thought of me. It 00:15:15.039 --> 00:15:16.840 was because I couldn't acknowledge to myself 00:15:16.840 --> 00:15:21.580 that maybe I didn't care as much as I claimed 00:15:21.580 --> 00:15:27.059 I did or that certain people mattered to me as 00:15:27.059 --> 00:15:29.500 much as I wanted to believe they mattered to 00:15:29.500 --> 00:15:33.460 me. That I sometimes maybe was more concerned 00:15:33.460 --> 00:15:38.639 about myself, about my sense of pride, of my 00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:42.120 own sense of self -worth. That those things mattered 00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:45.740 more to me than maybe actually the suffering 00:15:45.740 --> 00:15:51.539 or the needs of other people. And so the most 00:15:51.539 --> 00:15:54.600 hurtful thing someone could say to me was that 00:15:54.600 --> 00:15:58.159 I wasn't actually good. And that I was lying 00:15:58.159 --> 00:16:01.080 to myself and thinking I was good. And that the 00:16:01.080 --> 00:16:04.440 evidence is in what I do. You know, my partner 00:16:04.440 --> 00:16:07.759 especially was so insightful. I don't know how 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:11.399 much of it was just spending all, like a lot 00:16:11.399 --> 00:16:14.779 of days, a lot of time together and seeing all 00:16:14.779 --> 00:16:18.240 the things that I actually do. Or, you know, 00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:22.649 being a psychologist, just being. Much more. 00:16:22.730 --> 00:16:25.570 But I'm pretty sure she was insightful long before 00:16:25.570 --> 00:16:28.190 she went into that profession. But some combination 00:16:28.190 --> 00:16:30.610 of it may be that she saw through my bullshit 00:16:30.610 --> 00:16:33.970 fairly quickly and did not have the patience 00:16:33.970 --> 00:16:36.549 to just let it slide. She would call me out on 00:16:36.549 --> 00:16:40.649 it. Right. And God damn, that was painful. And 00:16:40.649 --> 00:16:44.529 guess what I did in my defensiveness? Yeah. I 00:16:44.529 --> 00:16:48.230 told her it was her issue that she failed to 00:16:48.230 --> 00:16:53.789 see the good in me that. She was, you know, accusing 00:16:53.789 --> 00:16:56.850 me of things that were simply not true. That 00:16:56.850 --> 00:16:59.669 she did not know how to appreciate. She did not 00:16:59.669 --> 00:17:02.830 know how to acknowledge the good. She did not 00:17:02.830 --> 00:17:06.410 know how to be grateful. That was some gaslighting 00:17:06.410 --> 00:17:10.289 shit that I was doing. That's, I think, a textbook 00:17:10.289 --> 00:17:13.670 definition of gaslighting. Because the reality 00:17:13.670 --> 00:17:16.589 was she was simply pointing to something that 00:17:16.589 --> 00:17:21.509 I behaviorally often just did. And what kind 00:17:21.509 --> 00:17:23.569 of impact it had. It was like if you're giving 00:17:23.569 --> 00:17:27.069 a cause effect story of what I had done. Like, 00:17:27.089 --> 00:17:29.650 for instance, if I forgot to, you know, take 00:17:29.650 --> 00:17:32.730 care of the bill, then there's a late penalty. 00:17:32.849 --> 00:17:36.470 And, you know, since we're sharing finances, 00:17:36.609 --> 00:17:40.150 right, we collectively are paying for my, you 00:17:40.150 --> 00:17:42.390 know, failing to do what I said I was going to 00:17:42.390 --> 00:17:46.839 do. or that it makes it harder for her to trust 00:17:46.839 --> 00:17:49.279 that I'm going to do what I say that I do. These 00:17:49.279 --> 00:17:53.319 are all reasonable things to point out, but because 00:17:53.319 --> 00:17:56.099 I was getting defensive, I wasn't accepting responsibility 00:17:56.099 --> 00:17:59.359 for what I had done and instead found a way to 00:17:59.359 --> 00:18:02.880 make it about her instead of taking responsibility 00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:06.920 for my own actions. But that's what happens when 00:18:06.920 --> 00:18:10.539 being good is so central to how you view yourself. 00:18:11.849 --> 00:18:14.390 When you don't acknowledge that you're holding 00:18:14.390 --> 00:18:18.670 on to this label, you know, over everything else, 00:18:18.809 --> 00:18:22.349 this need to be considered, like to slap that 00:18:22.349 --> 00:18:24.309 label on yourself that you're good, you begin 00:18:24.309 --> 00:18:27.269 to act in ways to protect this view you have 00:18:27.269 --> 00:18:29.109 of yourself. And that's what I was going through, 00:18:29.170 --> 00:18:31.470 right? Even if it comes at a cost to others. 00:18:31.789 --> 00:18:34.250 And that's really who paid the cost. It was other 00:18:34.250 --> 00:18:38.180 people. That was what I was doing. Pretty much 00:18:38.180 --> 00:18:39.960 every day, to be honest, right? Because there's 00:18:39.960 --> 00:18:42.079 always something throughout the day where I drop 00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:45.170 a ball on something, right? And maybe one day 00:18:45.170 --> 00:18:47.730 I'll have a longer conversation about like working 00:18:47.730 --> 00:18:49.930 through finding out that I had like ADHD. But, 00:18:49.990 --> 00:18:52.450 you know, it was pretty common for me to drop 00:18:52.450 --> 00:18:54.950 the ball on something on a given day, right? 00:18:55.289 --> 00:18:57.109 So when my partner called me out on my lack of 00:18:57.109 --> 00:19:00.109 care or concern or a lack of, you know, holding 00:19:00.109 --> 00:19:03.970 myself responsible, I would blame her for my 00:19:03.970 --> 00:19:06.569 own callousness, right? When a colleague pointed 00:19:06.569 --> 00:19:08.990 out my inappropriate behavior, I blamed them 00:19:08.990 --> 00:19:11.210 for judging without understanding the full context. 00:19:11.250 --> 00:19:13.329 When a student complained about my teaching, 00:19:13.549 --> 00:19:17.230 I was dismissive of their feelings because what 00:19:17.230 --> 00:19:20.769 would a student know? I let my desire to be good, 00:19:20.829 --> 00:19:25.609 right, to get in the way of my actually listening 00:19:25.609 --> 00:19:28.990 to others' feelings, gaining some insight into 00:19:28.990 --> 00:19:32.470 them and myself and, you know, really taking 00:19:32.470 --> 00:19:34.750 those concerns to heart and then making some 00:19:34.750 --> 00:19:38.279 real changes. Which I imagine as a third person, 00:19:38.319 --> 00:19:39.920 if I'm looking from the outside, I would think 00:19:39.920 --> 00:19:42.400 like, yeah, that's what a good person would do, 00:19:42.779 --> 00:19:45.480 right? They would actually do the work to be 00:19:45.480 --> 00:19:49.539 better, right? Not perfect, but at least better, 00:19:49.640 --> 00:19:53.279 right? In an important way, and I think this 00:19:53.279 --> 00:19:56.900 is kind of my point, is that my desire to see 00:19:56.900 --> 00:20:00.299 myself as good is what actually kept me from 00:20:00.299 --> 00:20:08.640 being good. And once I saw, and it took a long 00:20:08.640 --> 00:20:11.700 time, right? It took like beating the drum over 00:20:11.700 --> 00:20:14.519 and over again. It took going to therapy and 00:20:14.519 --> 00:20:17.259 kind of working out a lot of this, like why do 00:20:17.259 --> 00:20:19.880 I have the strong need to hold on to this notion 00:20:19.880 --> 00:20:22.819 of being good, right? But once I started to see 00:20:22.819 --> 00:20:25.019 little by little what it is that I was doing. 00:20:25.720 --> 00:20:27.980 I just saw it everywhere. I began to question 00:20:27.980 --> 00:20:32.000 everything that I was doing, right? And the motivation 00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:34.960 behind it, right? Like, where was my heart really? 00:20:36.420 --> 00:20:38.740 And I think the question that continued to press 00:20:38.740 --> 00:20:40.920 on me, and it still does even to this day, is 00:20:40.920 --> 00:20:44.460 like a helpful kind of guiding light is, who 00:20:44.460 --> 00:20:48.400 is this really for, right? The things that I'm 00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:51.759 doing, who is it really for? Is it really for 00:20:51.759 --> 00:20:55.680 the person that I say it's for, right? If it 00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:58.079 is, then what would that actually look like? 00:20:58.160 --> 00:21:00.519 Like, for example, if I'm helping a student with 00:21:00.519 --> 00:21:04.619 her college application and, you know, and I 00:21:04.619 --> 00:21:06.420 ask myself this question, like, am I really doing 00:21:06.420 --> 00:21:08.299 it for the student? Right. It's a helpful way 00:21:08.299 --> 00:21:10.420 for me to kind of keep myself in check and ask 00:21:10.420 --> 00:21:14.980 myself, like, look, is this to make myself feel 00:21:14.980 --> 00:21:19.079 good about myself, that I'm, you know, worthy 00:21:19.079 --> 00:21:22.259 of praise, that I, you know, have some value 00:21:22.259 --> 00:21:27.390 in the world? Or is it really for the student, 00:21:27.450 --> 00:21:32.970 for their benefit? If it is for the student, 00:21:33.029 --> 00:21:36.349 then I would help them be the best version of 00:21:36.349 --> 00:21:38.710 themselves, pursuing the things that matter to 00:21:38.710 --> 00:21:41.630 them. I wouldn't impose my own beliefs on them. 00:21:41.710 --> 00:21:44.509 I wouldn't impose my own values, and I wouldn't 00:21:44.509 --> 00:21:47.789 direct them in the way that I believe that they 00:21:47.789 --> 00:21:52.650 should be in terms of their life trajectory. 00:21:53.569 --> 00:21:55.609 And I would definitely not do it in the hopes 00:21:55.609 --> 00:21:59.190 of receiving some affirmation from them to take 00:21:59.190 --> 00:22:01.630 credit for the accomplishments that they have. 00:22:01.730 --> 00:22:04.349 I wouldn't be looking for them to express like 00:22:04.349 --> 00:22:06.950 extreme gratitude. Right. Like that wouldn't 00:22:06.950 --> 00:22:09.430 be the reason why I do these things. Right. Those 00:22:09.430 --> 00:22:11.470 would merely be like side effects. Right. It 00:22:11.470 --> 00:22:13.589 would be like just some consequence of it. But 00:22:13.589 --> 00:22:15.329 that's not what I would be looking for. Right. 00:22:15.349 --> 00:22:17.890 So, you know, asking myself who is really for 00:22:17.890 --> 00:22:22.250 was really kind of like started serving as. helpful 00:22:22.250 --> 00:22:27.009 guideline, just to check in with my heart, just 00:22:27.009 --> 00:22:29.529 to check in with my motives, just to check in 00:22:29.529 --> 00:22:32.269 with, you know, what this, all this that I'm 00:22:32.269 --> 00:22:36.150 doing, what it was really about. And the thought 00:22:36.150 --> 00:22:40.029 I started having was, if it is what I say it 00:22:40.029 --> 00:22:42.730 is, then it would show in a certain way, in the 00:22:42.730 --> 00:22:45.329 way that I behave specifically. There should 00:22:45.329 --> 00:22:48.130 be some tangible difference in the way that I 00:22:48.130 --> 00:22:50.170 carry myself and the things I say and the things 00:22:50.170 --> 00:22:52.849 that I do. And I'll be honest, the lines aren't 00:22:52.849 --> 00:22:56.089 always clear. A lot of times there might be a 00:22:56.089 --> 00:22:59.509 mix of different motives here. But even in asking 00:22:59.509 --> 00:23:02.670 the question, it became clear to me that it did 00:23:02.670 --> 00:23:05.529 often matter to me that at least I saw myself 00:23:05.529 --> 00:23:08.819 as an agent of good. That if I didn't get affirmation 00:23:08.819 --> 00:23:10.599 from the student, that I got affirmation from 00:23:10.599 --> 00:23:13.059 myself, right? That I was able to pat myself 00:23:13.059 --> 00:23:17.420 on the back and say, you did a good job. And 00:23:17.420 --> 00:23:22.519 therein lies the danger. When I get wrapped up 00:23:22.519 --> 00:23:25.440 in being a good person, I wasn't doing the things 00:23:25.440 --> 00:23:27.500 for the right reasons. I wasn't helping out of 00:23:27.500 --> 00:23:32.099 genuine care for them or for the greater good. 00:23:32.180 --> 00:23:37.640 I did it for me. I did it for my own ego. I did 00:23:37.640 --> 00:23:41.839 it because, I don't know, I needed to feel worthy. 00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:49.420 And though painful at first in coming to terms 00:23:49.420 --> 00:23:52.819 with this reality, there was also something liberating 00:23:52.819 --> 00:23:58.339 about it for me. Like, I want to be clear about 00:23:58.339 --> 00:24:01.039 this. Like, the pain that I had to go through 00:24:01.039 --> 00:24:08.390 was excruciating. It was excruciating because 00:24:08.390 --> 00:24:14.549 it was deeply rooted in a long -held need to 00:24:14.549 --> 00:24:19.609 see myself as somehow rising above the things 00:24:19.609 --> 00:24:26.109 that I was judgmental towards others about. you 00:24:26.109 --> 00:24:28.869 know, their decision -making about their values, 00:24:29.029 --> 00:24:32.170 right? That I was above that, that I wasn't like 00:24:32.170 --> 00:24:35.970 them, that I was better, that I was somehow striving 00:24:35.970 --> 00:24:39.829 for something more, right? Like, so if that's 00:24:39.829 --> 00:24:43.589 something that has been part of my narrative 00:24:43.589 --> 00:24:46.269 or the way that I live my life for basically 00:24:46.269 --> 00:24:48.690 my, almost my entire life, right? Like to unpack 00:24:48.690 --> 00:24:51.930 that and to, you know, just really smash it into 00:24:51.930 --> 00:24:58.799 pieces, like. It just killed my sense of self. 00:25:00.079 --> 00:25:03.180 So when I say the pain was real, it was deep, 00:25:03.339 --> 00:25:07.259 it cut to the core. I mean it actually cut to 00:25:07.259 --> 00:25:11.240 the core. Physically seeing myself in the mirror 00:25:11.240 --> 00:25:19.720 was hard on some days. But that's one of those 00:25:19.720 --> 00:25:21.380 things where once you start seeing it, you just 00:25:21.380 --> 00:25:25.170 start seeing it everywhere. And I just... Couldn't 00:25:25.170 --> 00:25:29.049 hide from myself. And initially, as painful as 00:25:29.049 --> 00:25:33.450 it was, once I started to come to terms with 00:25:33.450 --> 00:25:37.869 this reality, what was liberating about it was 00:25:37.869 --> 00:25:42.730 that I didn't have to hide anymore. And, you 00:25:42.730 --> 00:25:45.450 know, it's like one of those things where if 00:25:45.450 --> 00:25:48.869 I were to use kind of like a metaphor or some 00:25:48.869 --> 00:25:52.289 image to represent what it felt like, it felt 00:25:52.289 --> 00:25:57.579 like... I had been carrying a load, right, like 00:25:57.579 --> 00:26:02.380 this heavy backpack for all my life. And, you 00:26:02.380 --> 00:26:04.180 know, I just had gotten used to it because I've 00:26:04.180 --> 00:26:06.640 had it on for so long. And then I just didn't 00:26:06.640 --> 00:26:10.240 realize how light, how freeing, how liberating 00:26:10.240 --> 00:26:12.960 it felt to just let down that load, right? So 00:26:12.960 --> 00:26:16.019 this desire to preserve a self -image just felt 00:26:16.019 --> 00:26:20.720 like work. Whether I knew it or not, right, it 00:26:20.720 --> 00:26:24.059 was... taking up work, mental space, emotional 00:26:24.059 --> 00:26:27.380 space. And once I was able to kind of acknowledge 00:26:27.380 --> 00:26:32.220 that, look, you know, I've been trying so hard 00:26:32.220 --> 00:26:37.079 to see myself as good. And that's been my guiding 00:26:37.079 --> 00:26:41.299 light that I was actually very much falling short 00:26:41.299 --> 00:26:45.279 because I wasn't really facing the reality of 00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:49.359 all that made up who I was, all the feelings 00:26:49.359 --> 00:26:53.480 of You know, anger and frustration and impatience 00:26:53.480 --> 00:26:55.279 and jealousy, like those things that I didn't 00:26:55.279 --> 00:26:57.420 want to acknowledge about myself. It's there. 00:26:57.440 --> 00:26:59.259 It doesn't go away because you try to pretend 00:26:59.259 --> 00:27:01.220 like it's not there or you try to make excuses 00:27:01.220 --> 00:27:04.559 for it, right? It's still there. And I had to 00:27:04.559 --> 00:27:07.559 start acknowledging it. And in acknowledging 00:27:07.559 --> 00:27:10.599 it, I was able to start accepting responsibility 00:27:10.599 --> 00:27:14.259 and addressing the root of what I was doing. 00:27:15.380 --> 00:27:18.259 And oddly enough, as a result, I was able to 00:27:18.259 --> 00:27:23.069 kind of move forward. Right? It's like, you know, 00:27:23.109 --> 00:27:26.430 when you've been pretending to be something you're 00:27:26.430 --> 00:27:29.329 not for so long, you feel trapped in what you're 00:27:29.329 --> 00:27:31.589 pretending to be. I don't know if anyone's ever 00:27:31.589 --> 00:27:36.390 had that sort of feeling before, right? But it's 00:27:36.390 --> 00:27:38.369 exhausting. And because you have to constantly 00:27:38.369 --> 00:27:41.130 lie, not to other people, but to yourself, right? 00:27:41.829 --> 00:27:45.130 It just feels like you're constantly in tension 00:27:45.130 --> 00:27:47.430 with yourself. You're constantly fighting yourself. 00:27:51.299 --> 00:27:54.720 It's scary to take that mask off because you're 00:27:54.720 --> 00:27:56.779 having to see yourself for the first time. But 00:27:56.779 --> 00:27:59.480 once I did, I felt like I could breathe again. 00:28:00.779 --> 00:28:05.180 I didn't feel trapped by the facade that I'd 00:28:05.180 --> 00:28:10.299 created for myself. A facade that I was essentially 00:28:10.299 --> 00:28:12.700 imposing on myself. Because of that, I didn't 00:28:12.700 --> 00:28:15.619 have to be, you know, I didn't have anything 00:28:15.619 --> 00:28:19.380 to protect. There was no threat to my identity. 00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:22.180 As a good person. Because I wasn't holding on 00:28:22.180 --> 00:28:26.079 to that identity that's been keeping me in that 00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:30.099 cage for so long. Now, you're going to have to 00:28:30.099 --> 00:28:31.799 give me a second. I'm going to geek out for just 00:28:31.799 --> 00:28:33.440 one second here, okay? I swear it's all connected, 00:28:33.619 --> 00:28:39.579 okay? I had this crazy idea that, you know, like, 00:28:39.640 --> 00:28:44.240 I study moral psychology. And I just had this 00:28:44.240 --> 00:28:48.599 crazy idea that, you know, like... when I was 00:28:48.599 --> 00:28:50.700 kind of thinking about this process of letting 00:28:50.700 --> 00:28:53.940 go of the image of being good, I don't know if 00:28:53.940 --> 00:28:56.440 somebody's already developed it in a more deeper 00:28:56.440 --> 00:29:03.779 way, but I have this idea that, you know, once 00:29:03.779 --> 00:29:05.640 you get to the final stages of moral development, 00:29:05.759 --> 00:29:09.809 like once you are... no longer just kind of following 00:29:09.809 --> 00:29:13.950 rules for rule's sake or trying so hard to be 00:29:13.950 --> 00:29:16.710 good, but you're actually living out like what, 00:29:16.789 --> 00:29:19.349 you know, Aristotle might call a virtuous life 00:29:19.349 --> 00:29:23.890 or, you know, Kohlberg deems like the highest 00:29:23.890 --> 00:29:27.210 moral stage of, you know, the stage of moral 00:29:27.210 --> 00:29:29.910 development, right? I had this idea that that 00:29:29.910 --> 00:29:32.750 person, like whoever that person is, they just 00:29:32.750 --> 00:29:38.079 stop thinking about what is or isn't good. The 00:29:38.079 --> 00:29:42.500 word good itself, the words good, bad, right, 00:29:42.640 --> 00:29:46.599 wrong, these words just lose all meaning. The 00:29:46.599 --> 00:29:49.079 virtuous person that Aristotle describes is a 00:29:49.079 --> 00:29:52.559 person who doesn't view herself as good. The 00:29:52.559 --> 00:29:54.960 virtuous person doesn't even view themselves 00:29:54.960 --> 00:29:57.819 as a virtuous person. The word virtue doesn't 00:29:57.819 --> 00:29:59.400 hold any meaning for this person. This person 00:29:59.400 --> 00:30:02.460 just does what she does, lives as she does, thinks 00:30:02.460 --> 00:30:04.819 as she does, feels as she does, acts as she does. 00:30:05.309 --> 00:30:08.190 without any concern or trying to be good or right. 00:30:08.289 --> 00:30:12.049 They just do, right? And as I continue to shed 00:30:12.049 --> 00:30:15.430 myself of this need to be a good person, and 00:30:15.430 --> 00:30:17.329 trust me, it's still a work in progress, right? 00:30:17.490 --> 00:30:20.710 I'm more convinced that this is correct, right? 00:30:20.750 --> 00:30:23.630 Whether or not it's philosophically sound or 00:30:23.630 --> 00:30:26.690 bagged by some empirical data or anything, I'll 00:30:26.690 --> 00:30:29.309 leave that up to the academics to really geek 00:30:29.309 --> 00:30:31.309 out and try to figure out if they haven't done 00:30:31.309 --> 00:30:33.420 so already, right? I'm honestly not interested, 00:30:33.599 --> 00:30:36.519 right? My guess is that we need to have discussions 00:30:36.519 --> 00:30:39.799 of what is good or right to facilitate discourse 00:30:39.799 --> 00:30:43.180 with one another, to reflect on the decision 00:30:43.180 --> 00:30:45.779 -making that we do. But what I'm realizing in 00:30:45.779 --> 00:30:48.059 myself anyways, at least from the first -person 00:30:48.059 --> 00:30:51.519 experience of living out my life, is trying to 00:30:51.519 --> 00:30:57.460 do what I should became a goal in itself, right? 00:30:58.039 --> 00:31:02.789 And in a way, it stopped. me from being genuinely 00:31:02.789 --> 00:31:06.410 invested in what i was doing right like it wasn't 00:31:06.410 --> 00:31:09.569 really coming from the heart like i was like 00:31:09.569 --> 00:31:12.730 i was doing it from you know not from my own 00:31:12.730 --> 00:31:15.450 agency but rather it was like compelled by some 00:31:15.450 --> 00:31:18.349 outside force that said that i should do it right 00:31:18.349 --> 00:31:20.569 like i forget where i heard the quote um but 00:31:20.569 --> 00:31:23.289 i loved it right um the quote was something like 00:31:23.289 --> 00:31:26.730 stop shooting on yourself right and the idea 00:31:26.730 --> 00:31:31.349 was to stop imposing a bunch of you should do 00:31:31.349 --> 00:31:35.069 this on yourself, right? Like I should help others 00:31:35.069 --> 00:31:37.690 or I should give more or I should spend time 00:31:37.690 --> 00:31:41.309 with my family, right? The weight of these shoulds, 00:31:41.309 --> 00:31:44.950 right, is what I saw in my Villanova students, 00:31:45.250 --> 00:31:50.789 right? It's what I felt in myself. And I know 00:31:50.789 --> 00:31:53.730 it weighs on the shoulders of a lot of friends 00:31:53.730 --> 00:31:57.230 and family members who all want to be better, 00:31:57.309 --> 00:31:59.069 right? They're constantly telling themselves 00:31:59.069 --> 00:32:02.619 like, I should do this, I should do that, I should 00:32:02.619 --> 00:32:05.619 try to do this, or I should try to be better, 00:32:05.680 --> 00:32:09.500 right? And interestingly enough, I think it's 00:32:09.500 --> 00:32:12.819 that very thing that should, that weight that 00:32:12.819 --> 00:32:18.519 that should hold, that is what's actually preventing 00:32:18.519 --> 00:32:20.880 them from the very thing that they're seeking 00:32:20.880 --> 00:32:23.990 to be. Which at the end of the day, I think for 00:32:23.990 --> 00:32:26.849 most people is just to genuinely love and care 00:32:26.849 --> 00:32:30.869 and be one with the community and to participate 00:32:30.869 --> 00:32:34.009 in making the world a better place or something 00:32:34.009 --> 00:32:36.269 along these lines, right? Like, I don't know 00:32:36.269 --> 00:32:38.750 if this will be encouraging, but I personally 00:32:38.750 --> 00:32:42.190 want all of you to know that you are you yourself 00:32:42.190 --> 00:32:45.690 are enough because you are already seeking to 00:32:45.690 --> 00:32:49.869 be better, right? And that... You know, I wish 00:32:49.869 --> 00:32:52.450 that you don't let all these should have done 00:32:52.450 --> 00:32:54.369 this or should have done that strip you of your 00:32:54.369 --> 00:32:55.730 humanity, because that's what it kind of feels 00:32:55.730 --> 00:32:58.789 like, right? You're not perfect. None of us are. 00:32:59.589 --> 00:33:03.289 But I hope that in accepting who you are, you 00:33:03.289 --> 00:33:05.569 can strive for better without the burden of feeling 00:33:05.569 --> 00:33:10.009 like you're not enough. This sort of thought 00:33:10.009 --> 00:33:13.490 that what you are is different from what you 00:33:13.490 --> 00:33:16.109 should be. And because you're not what you should 00:33:16.109 --> 00:33:20.319 be, you're not enough. I can't speak for everyone 00:33:20.319 --> 00:33:24.660 else, but I personally feel this way. When I 00:33:24.660 --> 00:33:28.880 encounter a person, I want to love that person 00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:34.019 for who they are, not who they want to be, who 00:33:34.019 --> 00:33:40.000 they want to become. That's the difference, right? 00:33:40.099 --> 00:33:43.619 There's who you are, and there's who you think 00:33:43.619 --> 00:33:47.259 you should be. And there's something about... 00:33:47.849 --> 00:33:51.450 you know, being so focused on who you should 00:33:51.450 --> 00:33:54.369 be that we lose sight of what's in front of us. 00:33:55.309 --> 00:33:58.450 And in some ways, it's like you see past the 00:33:58.450 --> 00:34:01.029 person. You don't see the person that's in front 00:34:01.029 --> 00:34:09.130 of you. And unfortunately, if you are, you know, 00:34:09.190 --> 00:34:12.110 placing all these shoulds on yourself, these 00:34:12.110 --> 00:34:16.389 requirements on yourself to be better, then I 00:34:16.389 --> 00:34:20.670 start losing sight of you. So the only way for 00:34:20.670 --> 00:34:22.929 me to see you as you really are is for you to 00:34:22.929 --> 00:34:25.590 be who you are. That's the good, the bad, the 00:34:25.590 --> 00:34:30.550 ugly. It's what I would hope that you would want 00:34:30.550 --> 00:34:34.710 from me. Because honestly, that's all I have 00:34:34.710 --> 00:34:40.010 to give. It's the good, the bad, the ugly. It's 00:34:40.010 --> 00:34:46.349 just who I am. So I'm not a good person. Not 00:34:46.349 --> 00:34:49.190 because I'm evil or malicious. I'm not a good 00:34:49.190 --> 00:34:54.650 person because I don't want the desire to be 00:34:54.650 --> 00:34:59.210 a good person to have any weight for me anymore. 00:35:00.710 --> 00:35:04.090 I really don't. It feels more like a burden. 00:35:04.989 --> 00:35:10.150 It feels disingenuous. It feels like a lie. I 00:35:10.150 --> 00:35:14.250 am what I am. Nothing more, nothing less. That's 00:35:14.250 --> 00:35:17.929 not enough for you. You can figure out why and 00:35:17.929 --> 00:35:20.389 live with it, but I personally hope that it's 00:35:20.389 --> 00:35:27.389 enough. Because who you are, as you are, it's 00:35:27.389 --> 00:35:27.849 enough for me.