I am not a good person. Not a good person, not
a good father, not a good teacher, not a good
partner, not a good friend, not a good colleague.
I am not a good person. These might seem like
harsh words, maybe jarring or overly self -critical,
but that's not what this is for me. It's part
of a larger personal journey for me in trying
to understand Just what it means for me to be
a quote -unquote good person. Why it was so important
for me to see myself as good. And what kind of
harm, really, that it did to me. The idea first
entered my head when I was actually teaching
at Villanova. So this was like well into my 30s.
And at Villanova, I was having this very interesting
experience. Um, there, because, uh, you know,
I don't expect everyone, unless you've actually
been to Villanova to really understand the culture,
but the culture there was just politeness. Like
everybody was so damn polite and I fucking hated
it. Let me describe the culture. So a vast majority
of people carry themselves as like caring, polite,
kind people. They'd smile and acknowledge you
when they see you, you know, like they wouldn't
try to like look the other way and pretend like
they didn't see you. They'd actually acknowledge
your existence. They'd open doors for you and
hold them for you, actually, regardless of how
far away you were and how long it took. for you
to actually get there without a complaint or
anything. Um, they regularly compliment you and
say, thank you. Everyone was nice and polite
and that pissed me off. And, uh, it seems like
a very odd way. Like something's wrong with me
for not wanting people to be kind and polite,
but, uh, But I really was pissed off. I was really
super annoyed by it. And it didn't actually take
long for me to figure out why. Just because I
thought initially, like, what the hell is wrong
with me to get so upset over this kind of stuff?
But I was able to figure it out after having
some conversations with people real quickly that,
you know what it was? It was that it just all
seems so damn fake. Felt like some weird dystopian
world where people stop being people, but instead
more like robots that somehow learned how to
behave in ways that was deemed by some algorithm
to be pleasant or acceptable in a community,
right? It was, for me, it was creepy as hell.
And I didn't like it at all, not one bit. This
isn't what I knew of people. At least from my
experience, people are messy. They have all kinds
of emotions. You know, they are loving or kind,
rude, angry, supportive, manipulative, empathetic,
malicious. It's just all over the place. Like
people aren't just one thing. There are myriad
of things and they have a myriad of feelings.
Right. And they have a myriad of ways of viewing
and engaging with the world. And people aren't
what I was seeing from both the students and.
my colleagues at Villanova. Now, I want to be
clear about something, right? This is not a knock
on Villanova. This is not to say that there's
anything wrong with Villanova or that it was
a bad thing. I'm just pointing out that I reacted
in a very particular way. And I think what was
revealing for me is that it revealed a lot about
what mattered to me and what I would like. the
world to be, right? So I think for me, it was
more like a way to gain insight on myself based
off of my own reaction to a new, to a different
environment, okay? So then for me, in kind of
asking this question and exploring this new world
that I fell right into, right, was why are people
like this here, right? What is this about? I
thought maybe it was some sort of like self -reinforcing
culture. You know how sometimes it happens where
you walk into a culture and then you just kind
of learn to adapt to that culture. You, you know,
take on some of the elements of that culture.
If you ever traveled abroad for an extended period
or lived in a different area, you kind of know
what I'm talking about, right? Where, you know,
you're not even trying, but you kind of take
on some of the elements of the community that
you are living in. And as a result, you end up
kind of reinforcing some of the kind of cultural
norms in that area. But then in teaching ethics,
which was actually a required course at Villanova,
which I very much appreciated. I started to see
something in students that I really never asked
about myself, right? Students wanted to see themselves
as good people. Let me repeat, because I don't
want people to misunderstand what I'm trying
to say here. I did not say that the students
wanted other people to see them as good people.
No, no, no. This is not about how they're perceived
by the outside world. They, by and large, wanted
to see themselves as good people. It hurt them
to think of themselves as not being good or clutching
pearls here, right? My goodness, the thought
of them being bad, right? It hurt them a lot
as in it was devastating. It was detrimental
to their sense of self to think of themselves
as anything other than good. It was jarring for
them. I saw this specifically when I would teach
Peter Singer's Solution to World Poverty, in
which Singer discusses how we can save lives
and reduce suffering from a lack of food, water,
shelter, and medical care, all by simply using
the money that we would use on unnecessary items
like a new outfit or eating out at a fancy restaurant
instead of just cooking at home, and instead
giving all that extra money, capital, to those
who are suffering. I mean, a few dollars goes
a long way in terms of providing vaccines and
to prevent starvation. And a lot of countries,
even in the United States, actually, the United
States has an unfortunate reality that there's
a lot of children starving from lack of access
to food and nutrition. So Singer's argument is
fairly simple, right? And it's actually that
simplicity that gives it its power, right? So
regardless of the critiques of his arguments,
and people have pointed out, you know, different
issues with his specific argument, he does do
a good job of pointing out, painting a picture
in which your decision to... treat yourself as
kind of pitted against reducing the suffering
of others, right? And you have to decide what
you do with the knowledge that you actually can
make a difference with the money that you have
and the way that you allocate the resources that
you have, right? And with each class and each
new batch of students, I started caring less
and less about Singer's argument and became more
interested in the guilt that students experience,
right? Uh, you know, it's not that, it's not
that I didn't have students that felt guilty,
um, when I taught singer elsewhere, right? Like
I've taught, you know, singer, uh, uh, you know,
in other settings as well. Right. Um, specifically
like UC Santa Barbara, but also like had these
discussions, uh, with students in like my, when
I was teaching like essay private SAT classes.
Right. Uh, So, you know, I wasn't surprised that
some students felt guilt. I was surprised by
the overwhelming number of students that felt
guilt, right? The guilt at Villanova for some
reason was much more pronounced than in classes
I've taught elsewhere. And I was curious why.
Why did it eat at students to acknowledge that
they think of themselves before others, right?
You know, to acknowledge that sometimes maybe
they are more self -interested or, dare I say
it, even selfish sometimes. I had this exercise
in which I asked students to just say the words,
right, I am not a good person. Just say those
words out loud. regardless of whether or not
they believed it, right? So they didn't even
have to believe it, right? They just, I just
wanted them just as like an exercise to try saying
it out loud and then just kind of sit for a moment
with how they're feeling, right? Just say the
words. That's it. Some couldn't even do it, and
those that did felt a kind of disgust come over
them, right? As if I had just dumped a bucket
of feces on them or something. They were physically,
physiologically just disgusted with just saying
these words, having it come out of their mouths,
right? That I am not a good person. Again, I'm
not saying this to say something about these
students or Villanova generally. I'm trying to
tell you that... though it seemed more easily
identifiable with them, the truth is that I also
had trouble acknowledging how much it mattered
to me that I see myself as a good person, right?
You know, it's like one of those things where
you often see some element of truth or recognize
something in others before you see it in yourself,
right? This is the kind of bias that I think
all people kind of have, right? Which is... this
sort of self -denial that is strong, and especially
strong in me, because it's actually really hard
to acknowledge truths about yourself. If it was
easy, then I think the world would be a much
better place. We would all be able to acknowledge
our faults, our weaknesses, and just be able
to, you know, take responsibility for the places
we fall short. But it's hard because we value
ourselves. And more specifically, I think we
all value having a certain image of ourselves.
And for some, and I think in my case, what I
saw in the students was what I had to start recognizing
in myself, which was that I had a strong desire
to see myself as a good person. I don't think
anybody's like this where they think they're
perfect, right? Like I didn't think I was perfect,
but if you were to put me up in some ranking
system with the rest of the world on like, you
know, whether or not like on a goodness scale
or something, right? Like if you just ranked
me in the world, I would imagine I'd at least
fall in the 50th percentile. Like at least like
I'm not a bad person. I wouldn't be like a murderer
or like a serial, you know, rapist or something,
right? That would just be awful. Like, I am not
one of those, right? So I would be, by and large,
like, neutral at worst. But, you know, I'd try
to do some good stuff. I would probably lean
towards good, wouldn't I, right? Like, that's
kind of how I viewed myself. And it was really
important that I viewed myself in this way, and
especially that I was actually viewing myself
as someone who constantly tried to be better,
right? That I tried to at least be a better version
of myself. today than I was yesterday, right?
That I learned from my mistakes and I'd be a
better person just in all kinds of settings,
right? But the place I saw more clearly just
how much it mattered to me to see myself as being
good was in the context of my marriage. I needed
to see myself as a good husband. And now that
means a lot of different things for a lot of
different people. But for me specifically, This
was, you know, there's certain narratives that
kind of went along with it. I told myself things
like I provide. I am more or less responsible.
I don't forget birthdays or anniversaries. I
do stuff around the house, right? I try to be
as egalitarian and share responsibilities in
the house. I like to cook and, you know, do nice
things for my partner. Then there was also my
sense of purpose in life, right? So beyond marriage,
I had this grander sense of purpose in life of
wanting to serve others and make the world a
better place. So I had these narratives that
I'm a good citizen who tries to make the world
around me better. I give to those in need, right?
So all in all, I'm an overall fairly good person.
Whichever way you cut it at the core, I cared.
I cared about being a good person. And because
I cared so much about being a good person, when
anything threatened that image I had of myself,
I got defensive. I got really defensive, right?
It was like when somebody would say or suggest
something that might paint me as something other
than a good person, other than a good husband,
other than a good citizen, right? I would try
to find a way to deflect or defend against and
make excuses for myself, a way to defend myself
against those, you know, real or imagined accusations,
right? Or insinuation, right? I had an excuse
ready for everything I did to show that I actually
wasn't a bad person, right? If I didn't do what
I had promised, I dropped the ball because I
was busy doing some other good thing, right?
Like helping someone else, right? So it was not
that bad that I broke my promise, right? If I
snapped at someone, it was because I was stressed
trying to do too much to give to others or be
there for others or, you know, make a living
so that I could support my family or things like
that, right? I tried to find a way to make myself
look better in all these situations. And what's
crazy is it wasn't because I was concerned about
my image for the outside world. I wasn't really
concerned with what others thought of me. It
was because I couldn't acknowledge to myself
that maybe I didn't care as much as I claimed
I did or that certain people mattered to me as
much as I wanted to believe they mattered to
me. That I sometimes maybe was more concerned
about myself, about my sense of pride, of my
own sense of self -worth. That those things mattered
more to me than maybe actually the suffering
or the needs of other people. And so the most
hurtful thing someone could say to me was that
I wasn't actually good. And that I was lying
to myself and thinking I was good. And that the
evidence is in what I do. You know, my partner
especially was so insightful. I don't know how
much of it was just spending all, like a lot
of days, a lot of time together and seeing all
the things that I actually do. Or, you know,
being a psychologist, just being. Much more.
But I'm pretty sure she was insightful long before
she went into that profession. But some combination
of it may be that she saw through my bullshit
fairly quickly and did not have the patience
to just let it slide. She would call me out on
it. Right. And God damn, that was painful. And
guess what I did in my defensiveness? Yeah. I
told her it was her issue that she failed to
see the good in me that. She was, you know, accusing
me of things that were simply not true. That
she did not know how to appreciate. She did not
know how to acknowledge the good. She did not
know how to be grateful. That was some gaslighting
shit that I was doing. That's, I think, a textbook
definition of gaslighting. Because the reality
was she was simply pointing to something that
I behaviorally often just did. And what kind
of impact it had. It was like if you're giving
a cause effect story of what I had done. Like,
for instance, if I forgot to, you know, take
care of the bill, then there's a late penalty.
And, you know, since we're sharing finances,
right, we collectively are paying for my, you
know, failing to do what I said I was going to
do. or that it makes it harder for her to trust
that I'm going to do what I say that I do. These
are all reasonable things to point out, but because
I was getting defensive, I wasn't accepting responsibility
for what I had done and instead found a way to
make it about her instead of taking responsibility
for my own actions. But that's what happens when
being good is so central to how you view yourself.
When you don't acknowledge that you're holding
on to this label, you know, over everything else,
this need to be considered, like to slap that
label on yourself that you're good, you begin
to act in ways to protect this view you have
of yourself. And that's what I was going through,
right? Even if it comes at a cost to others.
And that's really who paid the cost. It was other
people. That was what I was doing. Pretty much
every day, to be honest, right? Because there's
always something throughout the day where I drop
a ball on something, right? And maybe one day
I'll have a longer conversation about like working
through finding out that I had like ADHD. But,
you know, it was pretty common for me to drop
the ball on something on a given day, right?
So when my partner called me out on my lack of
care or concern or a lack of, you know, holding
myself responsible, I would blame her for my
own callousness, right? When a colleague pointed
out my inappropriate behavior, I blamed them
for judging without understanding the full context.
When a student complained about my teaching,
I was dismissive of their feelings because what
would a student know? I let my desire to be good,
right, to get in the way of my actually listening
to others' feelings, gaining some insight into
them and myself and, you know, really taking
those concerns to heart and then making some
real changes. Which I imagine as a third person,
if I'm looking from the outside, I would think
like, yeah, that's what a good person would do,
right? They would actually do the work to be
better, right? Not perfect, but at least better,
right? In an important way, and I think this
is kind of my point, is that my desire to see
myself as good is what actually kept me from
being good. And once I saw, and it took a long
time, right? It took like beating the drum over
and over again. It took going to therapy and
kind of working out a lot of this, like why do
I have the strong need to hold on to this notion
of being good, right? But once I started to see
little by little what it is that I was doing.
I just saw it everywhere. I began to question
everything that I was doing, right? And the motivation
behind it, right? Like, where was my heart really?
And I think the question that continued to press
on me, and it still does even to this day, is
like a helpful kind of guiding light is, who
is this really for, right? The things that I'm
doing, who is it really for? Is it really for
the person that I say it's for, right? If it
is, then what would that actually look like?
Like, for example, if I'm helping a student with
her college application and, you know, and I
ask myself this question, like, am I really doing
it for the student? Right. It's a helpful way
for me to kind of keep myself in check and ask
myself, like, look, is this to make myself feel
good about myself, that I'm, you know, worthy
of praise, that I, you know, have some value
in the world? Or is it really for the student,
for their benefit? If it is for the student,
then I would help them be the best version of
themselves, pursuing the things that matter to
them. I wouldn't impose my own beliefs on them.
I wouldn't impose my own values, and I wouldn't
direct them in the way that I believe that they
should be in terms of their life trajectory.
And I would definitely not do it in the hopes
of receiving some affirmation from them to take
credit for the accomplishments that they have.
I wouldn't be looking for them to express like
extreme gratitude. Right. Like that wouldn't
be the reason why I do these things. Right. Those
would merely be like side effects. Right. It
would be like just some consequence of it. But
that's not what I would be looking for. Right.
So, you know, asking myself who is really for
was really kind of like started serving as. helpful
guideline, just to check in with my heart, just
to check in with my motives, just to check in
with, you know, what this, all this that I'm
doing, what it was really about. And the thought
I started having was, if it is what I say it
is, then it would show in a certain way, in the
way that I behave specifically. There should
be some tangible difference in the way that I
carry myself and the things I say and the things
that I do. And I'll be honest, the lines aren't
always clear. A lot of times there might be a
mix of different motives here. But even in asking
the question, it became clear to me that it did
often matter to me that at least I saw myself
as an agent of good. That if I didn't get affirmation
from the student, that I got affirmation from
myself, right? That I was able to pat myself
on the back and say, you did a good job. And
therein lies the danger. When I get wrapped up
in being a good person, I wasn't doing the things
for the right reasons. I wasn't helping out of
genuine care for them or for the greater good.
I did it for me. I did it for my own ego. I did
it because, I don't know, I needed to feel worthy.
And though painful at first in coming to terms
with this reality, there was also something liberating
about it for me. Like, I want to be clear about
this. Like, the pain that I had to go through
was excruciating. It was excruciating because
it was deeply rooted in a long -held need to
see myself as somehow rising above the things
that I was judgmental towards others about. you
know, their decision -making about their values,
right? That I was above that, that I wasn't like
them, that I was better, that I was somehow striving
for something more, right? Like, so if that's
something that has been part of my narrative
or the way that I live my life for basically
my, almost my entire life, right? Like to unpack
that and to, you know, just really smash it into
pieces, like. It just killed my sense of self.
So when I say the pain was real, it was deep,
it cut to the core. I mean it actually cut to
the core. Physically seeing myself in the mirror
was hard on some days. But that's one of those
things where once you start seeing it, you just
start seeing it everywhere. And I just... Couldn't
hide from myself. And initially, as painful as
it was, once I started to come to terms with
this reality, what was liberating about it was
that I didn't have to hide anymore. And, you
know, it's like one of those things where if
I were to use kind of like a metaphor or some
image to represent what it felt like, it felt
like... I had been carrying a load, right, like
this heavy backpack for all my life. And, you
know, I just had gotten used to it because I've
had it on for so long. And then I just didn't
realize how light, how freeing, how liberating
it felt to just let down that load, right? So
this desire to preserve a self -image just felt
like work. Whether I knew it or not, right, it
was... taking up work, mental space, emotional
space. And once I was able to kind of acknowledge
that, look, you know, I've been trying so hard
to see myself as good. And that's been my guiding
light that I was actually very much falling short
because I wasn't really facing the reality of
all that made up who I was, all the feelings
of You know, anger and frustration and impatience
and jealousy, like those things that I didn't
want to acknowledge about myself. It's there.
It doesn't go away because you try to pretend
like it's not there or you try to make excuses
for it, right? It's still there. And I had to
start acknowledging it. And in acknowledging
it, I was able to start accepting responsibility
and addressing the root of what I was doing.
And oddly enough, as a result, I was able to
kind of move forward. Right? It's like, you know,
when you've been pretending to be something you're
not for so long, you feel trapped in what you're
pretending to be. I don't know if anyone's ever
had that sort of feeling before, right? But it's
exhausting. And because you have to constantly
lie, not to other people, but to yourself, right?
It just feels like you're constantly in tension
with yourself. You're constantly fighting yourself.
It's scary to take that mask off because you're
having to see yourself for the first time. But
once I did, I felt like I could breathe again.
I didn't feel trapped by the facade that I'd
created for myself. A facade that I was essentially
imposing on myself. Because of that, I didn't
have to be, you know, I didn't have anything
to protect. There was no threat to my identity.
As a good person. Because I wasn't holding on
to that identity that's been keeping me in that
cage for so long. Now, you're going to have to
give me a second. I'm going to geek out for just
one second here, okay? I swear it's all connected,
okay? I had this crazy idea that, you know, like,
I study moral psychology. And I just had this
crazy idea that, you know, like... when I was
kind of thinking about this process of letting
go of the image of being good, I don't know if
somebody's already developed it in a more deeper
way, but I have this idea that, you know, once
you get to the final stages of moral development,
like once you are... no longer just kind of following
rules for rule's sake or trying so hard to be
good, but you're actually living out like what,
you know, Aristotle might call a virtuous life
or, you know, Kohlberg deems like the highest
moral stage of, you know, the stage of moral
development, right? I had this idea that that
person, like whoever that person is, they just
stop thinking about what is or isn't good. The
word good itself, the words good, bad, right,
wrong, these words just lose all meaning. The
virtuous person that Aristotle describes is a
person who doesn't view herself as good. The
virtuous person doesn't even view themselves
as a virtuous person. The word virtue doesn't
hold any meaning for this person. This person
just does what she does, lives as she does, thinks
as she does, feels as she does, acts as she does.
without any concern or trying to be good or right.
They just do, right? And as I continue to shed
myself of this need to be a good person, and
trust me, it's still a work in progress, right?
I'm more convinced that this is correct, right?
Whether or not it's philosophically sound or
bagged by some empirical data or anything, I'll
leave that up to the academics to really geek
out and try to figure out if they haven't done
so already, right? I'm honestly not interested,
right? My guess is that we need to have discussions
of what is good or right to facilitate discourse
with one another, to reflect on the decision
-making that we do. But what I'm realizing in
myself anyways, at least from the first -person
experience of living out my life, is trying to
do what I should became a goal in itself, right?
And in a way, it stopped. me from being genuinely
invested in what i was doing right like it wasn't
really coming from the heart like i was like
i was doing it from you know not from my own
agency but rather it was like compelled by some
outside force that said that i should do it right
like i forget where i heard the quote um but
i loved it right um the quote was something like
stop shooting on yourself right and the idea
was to stop imposing a bunch of you should do
this on yourself, right? Like I should help others
or I should give more or I should spend time
with my family, right? The weight of these shoulds,
right, is what I saw in my Villanova students,
right? It's what I felt in myself. And I know
it weighs on the shoulders of a lot of friends
and family members who all want to be better,
right? They're constantly telling themselves
like, I should do this, I should do that, I should
try to do this, or I should try to be better,
right? And interestingly enough, I think it's
that very thing that should, that weight that
that should hold, that is what's actually preventing
them from the very thing that they're seeking
to be. Which at the end of the day, I think for
most people is just to genuinely love and care
and be one with the community and to participate
in making the world a better place or something
along these lines, right? Like, I don't know
if this will be encouraging, but I personally
want all of you to know that you are you yourself
are enough because you are already seeking to
be better, right? And that... You know, I wish
that you don't let all these should have done
this or should have done that strip you of your
humanity, because that's what it kind of feels
like, right? You're not perfect. None of us are.
But I hope that in accepting who you are, you
can strive for better without the burden of feeling
like you're not enough. This sort of thought
that what you are is different from what you
should be. And because you're not what you should
be, you're not enough. I can't speak for everyone
else, but I personally feel this way. When I
encounter a person, I want to love that person
for who they are, not who they want to be, who
they want to become. That's the difference, right?
There's who you are, and there's who you think
you should be. And there's something about...
you know, being so focused on who you should
be that we lose sight of what's in front of us.
And in some ways, it's like you see past the
person. You don't see the person that's in front
of you. And unfortunately, if you are, you know,
placing all these shoulds on yourself, these
requirements on yourself to be better, then I
start losing sight of you. So the only way for
me to see you as you really are is for you to
be who you are. That's the good, the bad, the
ugly. It's what I would hope that you would want
from me. Because honestly, that's all I have
to give. It's the good, the bad, the ugly. It's
just who I am. So I'm not a good person. Not
because I'm evil or malicious. I'm not a good
person because I don't want the desire to be
a good person to have any weight for me anymore.
I really don't. It feels more like a burden.
It feels disingenuous. It feels like a lie. I
am what I am. Nothing more, nothing less. That's
not enough for you. You can figure out why and
live with it, but I personally hope that it's
enough. Because who you are, as you are, it's
enough for me.