WEBVTT 00:00:27.179 --> 00:00:32.619 So I straddle two realities. most of the weekdays, 00:00:32.820 --> 00:00:35.820 I went to school to spend time with neighborhood 00:00:35.820 --> 00:00:38.719 kids, none of them were really Korean, really. 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:43.460 Even at school, with the exception of maybe first, 00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:46.740 second grade, there weren't very many Korean 00:00:46.740 --> 00:00:50.899 kids there either. And I didn't really see Korean 00:00:50.899 --> 00:00:53.320 kids at school until, again, until maybe like 00:00:53.320 --> 00:00:55.960 junior high, at least that I was aware of or 00:00:55.960 --> 00:01:01.590 that I hung out with. And even when I did meet 00:01:01.590 --> 00:01:04.129 Korean kids. Like I honestly did not like them 00:01:04.129 --> 00:01:08.209 all. It's just a longer explanation. No, my friends 00:01:08.209 --> 00:01:11.329 actually were quite varied, depended on my neighborhood, 00:01:11.489 --> 00:01:14.730 depended on who was around me. When I first moved 00:01:14.730 --> 00:01:17.590 to Redlands, initially it was a large number 00:01:17.590 --> 00:01:20.290 of white kids. Like the elementary school I went 00:01:20.290 --> 00:01:23.840 to, just a bunch of white kids. The two that 00:01:23.840 --> 00:01:26.379 would spend, you know, recess with me in the 00:01:26.379 --> 00:01:28.939 monkey bars, I remember, third and fourth grade, 00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:31.739 and then also for the rest of, honestly, elementary 00:01:31.739 --> 00:01:39.459 school. There was a girl who was just whitey 00:01:39.459 --> 00:01:42.859 white white. And there was another white boy 00:01:42.859 --> 00:01:45.879 who came from a decent, it seemed like a pretty 00:01:45.879 --> 00:01:48.200 decent background. He had a nice home. There's 00:01:48.200 --> 00:01:50.939 another white boy that... was from Texas, family 00:01:50.939 --> 00:01:53.519 was from Texas. When we were visiting his home, 00:01:53.659 --> 00:01:56.780 parents had a really, really thick, thick Texas 00:01:56.780 --> 00:01:59.900 accent, and they were never really shy about 00:01:59.900 --> 00:02:04.340 their Texas roots. But at least in the neighborhood, 00:02:04.459 --> 00:02:06.599 there was also this black kid who would come 00:02:06.599 --> 00:02:09.860 over to our house regularly to play video games. 00:02:09.939 --> 00:02:14.969 We had a console, and he had... the video game 00:02:14.969 --> 00:02:17.830 that we wanted to play i don't know where his 00:02:17.830 --> 00:02:20.550 console was but he had the video game and then 00:02:20.550 --> 00:02:22.389 so he would come over and we would play with 00:02:22.389 --> 00:02:24.229 them he'd usually completely destroy us in the 00:02:24.229 --> 00:02:26.909 game i think that's why he enjoyed playing and 00:02:26.909 --> 00:02:29.449 could dominate us seemed to have gotten a decent 00:02:29.449 --> 00:02:31.770 amount of practice in um but his sister would 00:02:31.770 --> 00:02:33.969 be there just to not play but just to like watch 00:02:33.969 --> 00:02:36.870 um by the time i got to high school redlands 00:02:36.870 --> 00:02:40.169 at least at the school redlands high became A 00:02:40.169 --> 00:02:42.629 lot more diverse than at least my elementary 00:02:42.629 --> 00:02:44.150 school. Maybe it was just always that way. I 00:02:44.150 --> 00:02:46.750 just didn't realize. And that's how I met those 00:02:46.750 --> 00:02:48.810 Vietnamese kids that I've mentioned before that 00:02:48.810 --> 00:02:51.949 I've went and did activities with after school. 00:02:53.629 --> 00:02:56.789 But I guess the people who I hung out with the 00:02:56.789 --> 00:02:59.729 most just happened to be whoever was in the same 00:02:59.729 --> 00:03:04.490 class or club. I was never really, I don't remember 00:03:04.490 --> 00:03:09.500 myself being super social. And the reality was 00:03:09.500 --> 00:03:11.759 that was just during the school week. After school, 00:03:11.879 --> 00:03:14.919 I would go back home to Colton, and there we 00:03:14.919 --> 00:03:17.360 didn't really hang out in the neighborhood. We 00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:20.360 weren't really outside all that much, just because 00:03:20.360 --> 00:03:23.500 of, unless it's like daytime on the weekends, 00:03:23.620 --> 00:03:28.400 right? But we rarely spent time outside, especially 00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:32.120 once it started getting dark. But most of the 00:03:32.120 --> 00:03:33.759 people in that neighborhood were predominantly 00:03:33.759 --> 00:03:38.430 Mexican. Latinos generally, but more often than 00:03:38.430 --> 00:03:43.330 not, it was Mexican. The weekends were a different 00:03:43.330 --> 00:03:47.750 world altogether. On the weekends, aside from 00:03:47.750 --> 00:03:51.509 the occasional school or club event, I spent 00:03:51.509 --> 00:03:54.969 most of the weekends around Korean people. On 00:03:54.969 --> 00:03:57.930 Saturdays, it was primarily because my parents 00:03:57.930 --> 00:04:01.870 insisted that I go to Korean school. Even into 00:04:01.870 --> 00:04:04.169 my high school days, like that was just like 00:04:04.169 --> 00:04:06.389 forever. I don't know why I kept on going. I 00:04:06.389 --> 00:04:08.870 honestly was learning nothing there. I had already 00:04:08.870 --> 00:04:11.150 learned how to speak, write, you know, read the 00:04:11.150 --> 00:04:13.349 language. And they didn't they actually did not 00:04:13.349 --> 00:04:17.370 even have the right level for me and for my brother. 00:04:18.290 --> 00:04:20.970 They just started making up new grades as they 00:04:20.970 --> 00:04:24.449 went along. But there were I didn't really have 00:04:24.449 --> 00:04:27.069 a teacher. We actually just like I think there's 00:04:27.069 --> 00:04:28.889 a group of there's a small group of me, like 00:04:28.889 --> 00:04:31.149 four or five of us. who were at that level, and 00:04:31.149 --> 00:04:33.149 we just spent that time hanging out. That's really 00:04:33.149 --> 00:04:37.629 what we did. On Sundays, well, Sundays were, 00:04:37.750 --> 00:04:40.310 my dad's a pastor, so Sundays were dedicated 00:04:40.310 --> 00:04:44.569 to church all day, like all day long. I didn't 00:04:44.569 --> 00:04:47.269 get to choose what church I attended. You know, 00:04:47.290 --> 00:04:49.410 my dad is a pastor, so I go to my dad's church. 00:04:49.709 --> 00:04:52.689 It was a very conservative Korean Presbyterian 00:04:52.689 --> 00:04:56.129 church. I think my dad was actually more conservative 00:04:56.129 --> 00:05:00.769 than the congregation members. I remember thinking 00:05:00.769 --> 00:05:04.670 like in my mind that his his values, his mindset, 00:05:04.709 --> 00:05:08.389 his worldview was kind of like stuck in his childhood 00:05:08.389 --> 00:05:12.810 before he immigrated to the United States, back 00:05:12.810 --> 00:05:16.329 when he was in the countryside of Korea, back 00:05:16.329 --> 00:05:20.910 in the 1970s or 80s or something. I say that 00:05:20.910 --> 00:05:23.529 because I was well aware that even the congregation 00:05:23.529 --> 00:05:26.550 members complained that he was too stuck in his 00:05:26.550 --> 00:05:29.370 old ways of thinking, right? Whatever that meant. 00:05:29.449 --> 00:05:31.410 I mean, I didn't really make full sense of it, 00:05:31.490 --> 00:05:33.290 but I do remember there were some complaints 00:05:33.290 --> 00:05:36.790 along those lines. But what was consistent was 00:05:36.790 --> 00:05:42.629 that I spent most of these weekends exclusively 00:05:42.629 --> 00:05:46.290 with the Korean immigrant population, right? 00:05:48.439 --> 00:05:52.500 all engaged in the world today, like at the time, 00:05:52.660 --> 00:05:56.860 they were living the world as they did before 00:05:56.860 --> 00:05:59.199 they came to the United States. In other words, 00:05:59.259 --> 00:06:02.500 I wonder if this is just common among immigrants 00:06:02.500 --> 00:06:05.459 generally, at least from my experience, it seemed 00:06:05.459 --> 00:06:09.819 like they were kind of not integrating, but rather 00:06:09.819 --> 00:06:14.110 trying to hold on to their older culture. They 00:06:14.110 --> 00:06:16.189 felt a strong sense of Korean identity and they 00:06:16.189 --> 00:06:18.629 wanted to retain it. They wanted to pass it down 00:06:18.629 --> 00:06:22.110 to their children. They kept the Korean traditions 00:06:22.110 --> 00:06:25.129 they knew, cooked the Korean food the way their 00:06:25.129 --> 00:06:29.170 parents made it for them, used the language of 00:06:29.170 --> 00:06:31.790 their mother country. You know, this is just 00:06:31.790 --> 00:06:35.670 how weekends were, right? Like everybody in that 00:06:35.670 --> 00:06:38.189 community was more or less along these lines. 00:06:38.290 --> 00:06:40.910 And on top of that, we also did have a lot of 00:06:40.910 --> 00:06:45.279 students that were there in that area just to 00:06:45.279 --> 00:06:47.120 get an education, right? So they weren't even 00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:49.060 there. They weren't immigrating to the United 00:06:49.060 --> 00:06:50.639 States. They were just there on like a student 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:53.160 visa or something like that, just getting an 00:06:53.160 --> 00:06:57.540 education. And so the church became kind of like 00:06:57.540 --> 00:07:01.639 a community for them to stay connected, to get 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:03.139 in contact with people who know how to speak 00:07:03.139 --> 00:07:07.279 the language and then navigate through the U 00:07:07.279 --> 00:07:09.899 .S., whatever political, economic, whatever system 00:07:09.899 --> 00:07:14.410 is there. My parents and everyone else in the 00:07:14.410 --> 00:07:17.430 circle kind of reinforced the idea that I, being 00:07:17.430 --> 00:07:21.750 the blood of two Korean parents, was a Korean 00:07:21.750 --> 00:07:26.689 myself. Hence, I needed to learn the language 00:07:26.689 --> 00:07:29.350 and the traditions. I needed to do all the things 00:07:29.350 --> 00:07:32.290 that came with being a Korean, retaining the 00:07:32.290 --> 00:07:37.209 values, demonstrating respect to elders and following 00:07:37.209 --> 00:07:40.959 all these unspoken norms in Korean society. I 00:07:40.959 --> 00:07:44.800 had to be Korean on the weekends, right? Now, 00:07:44.819 --> 00:07:47.819 I want to be clear. I was never in denial that 00:07:47.819 --> 00:07:51.480 being Korean is to some degree a part of who 00:07:51.480 --> 00:07:53.420 I am, right? And that the Korean culture does 00:07:53.420 --> 00:07:56.379 shape me in many ways, right? It shaped my childhood 00:07:56.379 --> 00:07:59.399 experience for sure, whether I wanted it to or 00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:01.300 not, right? So even though I was born in the 00:08:01.300 --> 00:08:05.420 United States and was not really surrounded by 00:08:05.420 --> 00:08:08.060 Koreans, except, like I said, mostly on the weekends. 00:08:09.930 --> 00:08:13.389 And I ended up, I mean, I had to learn the language. 00:08:13.410 --> 00:08:15.310 My parents couldn't speak English. I mean, even 00:08:15.310 --> 00:08:17.649 to this day, they can't speak English beyond 00:08:17.649 --> 00:08:20.089 maybe like a first grade level. Like it's, I 00:08:20.089 --> 00:08:22.189 have to translate everything for them still. 00:08:23.230 --> 00:08:28.009 I, you know, I learned the language. I had to, 00:08:28.009 --> 00:08:30.610 so that I could communicate with my parents. 00:08:31.189 --> 00:08:33.269 I understood some of the culture, at least the 00:08:33.269 --> 00:08:35.009 ones that my parents exposed me to. But as I 00:08:35.009 --> 00:08:37.419 grew older, I realized like, man, they... They 00:08:37.419 --> 00:08:39.659 did not teach me everything. There was actually 00:08:39.659 --> 00:08:42.799 a lot more that I just never, ever was exposed 00:08:42.799 --> 00:08:46.460 to. But since my parents were especially insistent, 00:08:46.460 --> 00:08:48.120 you know, my family celebrated all the bigger 00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:51.700 holidays, like the, you know, Korean traditions 00:08:51.700 --> 00:08:55.460 on New Year's, of wearing the traditional gown, 00:08:55.519 --> 00:09:00.159 the hanbok, and eating rice cake soup, you know, 00:09:00.159 --> 00:09:02.909 bowing to your parents and getting... That's 00:09:02.909 --> 00:09:05.649 what I saw it as, another chance to get some 00:09:05.649 --> 00:09:09.690 money before the holidays were over. And just 00:09:09.690 --> 00:09:11.809 generally, a lot of it centered around food, 00:09:11.909 --> 00:09:16.210 around meals, learning about Korean food, how 00:09:16.210 --> 00:09:18.450 to make it. The kind of palate that I've developed, 00:09:18.590 --> 00:09:21.110 a lot of it came from, especially my dad. He 00:09:21.110 --> 00:09:22.929 was from the countryside, and he was used to 00:09:22.929 --> 00:09:27.529 cooking food from the land. He grew up on a farm. 00:09:29.139 --> 00:09:31.320 So, you know, a lot of that definitely did influence 00:09:31.320 --> 00:09:34.799 me. But the truth was, I also never felt like 00:09:34.799 --> 00:09:39.460 a Korean. Or at least it wasn't, maybe a better 00:09:39.460 --> 00:09:40.879 way to put it is, it wasn't like an identity 00:09:40.879 --> 00:09:43.960 that I really embraced. It was something that 00:09:43.960 --> 00:09:48.360 was kind of imposed on me, right? Because of 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:50.019 the way I look, because of who my parents were, 00:09:50.179 --> 00:09:53.579 because that's just kind of how society... Like 00:09:53.579 --> 00:09:56.940 our society puts labels on you, right? They categorize 00:09:56.940 --> 00:09:59.500 you. They want to understand you. And then so 00:09:59.500 --> 00:10:02.279 they'll put you into, they'll give you these 00:10:02.279 --> 00:10:05.820 labels and then it just sticks, right? But with 00:10:05.820 --> 00:10:08.120 the exception of family and those weekends, everything 00:10:08.120 --> 00:10:10.360 else I experienced was nothing like the world 00:10:10.360 --> 00:10:14.460 my parents described. The rest of the world seemed 00:10:14.460 --> 00:10:16.220 to be following a value system that was very 00:10:16.220 --> 00:10:20.220 different than the one that my parents tried 00:10:20.220 --> 00:10:24.759 to teach me. No one else outside of this weekend 00:10:24.759 --> 00:10:27.440 community viewed the world the same way that 00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:30.279 honestly I was living it. And that was the discrepancy, 00:10:30.279 --> 00:10:33.759 right? There was a difference between what I 00:10:33.759 --> 00:10:35.879 was being told, this is the way the world is, 00:10:35.879 --> 00:10:39.100 and this is how you should be as a way of navigating 00:10:39.100 --> 00:10:41.759 the world. What I was told on the weekend versus 00:10:41.759 --> 00:10:43.519 what I was actually living out the rest of the 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:47.019 time. I was at school and just hanging out with 00:10:47.019 --> 00:10:49.879 neighborhood kids and such. And being exposed 00:10:49.879 --> 00:10:51.620 to so many people, I mean, maybe this is just 00:10:51.620 --> 00:10:53.840 part of living in California and the region that 00:10:53.840 --> 00:10:56.620 I lived in, but just being exposed to so many 00:10:56.620 --> 00:10:58.519 different people with different cultural norms 00:10:58.519 --> 00:11:00.899 and beliefs. Like I said, like when I moved to 00:11:00.899 --> 00:11:03.559 Colton, like that area was predominantly Latino. 00:11:04.720 --> 00:11:07.600 The park across the street, it was just, just 00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:10.500 basically on the weekends, it was just like. 00:11:11.149 --> 00:11:13.830 I don't know if Mexico is like this, but it was 00:11:13.830 --> 00:11:16.210 just all Mexican neighbors, like, just hanging 00:11:16.210 --> 00:11:18.990 out there barbecuing and turning on their mariachi 00:11:18.990 --> 00:11:21.909 music and, you know, just spending time with 00:11:21.909 --> 00:11:24.029 their family, right? Like, that's what I saw. 00:11:24.269 --> 00:11:26.730 That's what I kind of, like, just was exposed 00:11:26.730 --> 00:11:30.190 to. And it was just in such, maybe it's just 00:11:30.190 --> 00:11:32.669 this exposure to all these different, like, ways 00:11:32.669 --> 00:11:36.669 of living out life, having conversations with 00:11:36.669 --> 00:11:39.049 people that were different from me that just... 00:11:39.690 --> 00:11:44.009 gave me this sense that culture was at least 00:11:44.009 --> 00:11:47.230 like what I got to practice and endorse or like 00:11:47.230 --> 00:11:50.009 what I wanted to adopt. That there was something 00:11:50.009 --> 00:11:52.990 about culture that just felt, how do I say this, 00:11:53.169 --> 00:11:57.029 made up. I don't want to say like completely 00:11:57.029 --> 00:12:00.230 meaningless. I'm not trying to say that. It's 00:12:00.230 --> 00:12:04.620 just something about it that felt like it. I 00:12:04.620 --> 00:12:06.799 saw that it held meaning for people. It just 00:12:06.799 --> 00:12:08.940 maybe mattered to them more than it does for 00:12:08.940 --> 00:12:14.440 me. For me, it just never held much significance. 00:12:14.759 --> 00:12:18.000 I think part of it was that it did feel like 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:21.539 a lot of these cultural practices were just different 00:12:21.539 --> 00:12:25.179 things that different groups of people placed 00:12:25.179 --> 00:12:27.399 meaning in, and they expressed it in different 00:12:27.399 --> 00:12:31.039 ways. But there was nothing at the heart of it 00:12:31.039 --> 00:12:34.899 about different cultures that made... One somehow 00:12:34.899 --> 00:12:40.519 better or more right or good or... And on top 00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:44.100 of that, like, if I'm living out a life where 00:12:44.100 --> 00:12:47.600 these cultures, I'm just exposed to different 00:12:47.600 --> 00:12:50.639 ones, it doesn't ever feel like one is necessarily 00:12:50.639 --> 00:12:53.559 mine, right? If that makes any sense, right? 00:12:55.779 --> 00:12:58.679 Like, even the Korean practices, it never really 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:03.559 felt like mine because it wasn't. in some ways, 00:13:03.700 --> 00:13:06.019 right? It was something that was handed to me 00:13:06.019 --> 00:13:09.279 or actually more like forced upon me on the weekends, 00:13:09.340 --> 00:13:12.519 but it was just nothing like how I would have 00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:16.899 wanted to find meaning or the way that I might 00:13:16.899 --> 00:13:20.379 have wanted some of these practices. Moreover, 00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:24.620 maybe it's just also some other aspect of me. 00:13:24.659 --> 00:13:26.539 I never really got to the heart of it. I just 00:13:26.539 --> 00:13:28.620 never liked anyone imposing anything on me, like 00:13:28.620 --> 00:13:32.500 a belief or a worldview. So you can imagine just 00:13:32.500 --> 00:13:36.000 how much I would have resisted and maybe even 00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:39.220 come to hate when somebody tries to impose an 00:13:39.220 --> 00:13:43.139 identity on me, and especially a Korean identity, 00:13:43.200 --> 00:13:46.240 which I wasn't even in Korea, right? I wasn't 00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:49.440 exposed to it on a daily basis, right? I heard 00:13:49.440 --> 00:13:52.840 from Koreans repeatedly that it was important 00:13:52.840 --> 00:13:55.440 for me to remember my roots and know my heritage. 00:13:56.220 --> 00:14:00.139 Uh, they insisted on it. I just hated it so much 00:14:00.139 --> 00:14:01.759 that I distinctly remember yelling at my parents 00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:04.700 at some point that I'm not Korean. Not because 00:14:04.700 --> 00:14:07.740 like, I didn't think I was like technically a 00:14:07.740 --> 00:14:10.940 Korean, but rather it was that the culture that 00:14:10.940 --> 00:14:14.220 they kind of insisted that I adopt. Right. Um, 00:14:14.480 --> 00:14:18.360 I just didn't want that imposition on me. Right. 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:20.419 I wanted to kind of find my own way. And this 00:14:20.419 --> 00:14:23.200 was as early as I think in junior high, um, maybe 00:14:23.200 --> 00:14:26.110 a little bit before then. Right. Of course, you 00:14:26.110 --> 00:14:28.529 know, then they shipped me off immediately to 00:14:28.529 --> 00:14:31.070 Korea for an entire summer to spend some time 00:14:31.070 --> 00:14:34.269 with my relatives. I think my parents were kind 00:14:34.269 --> 00:14:36.389 of taken so far back. They just like didn't know 00:14:36.389 --> 00:14:38.210 what to do. And they went to the extreme route 00:14:38.210 --> 00:14:40.809 of just shipping me off there. And I was just 00:14:40.809 --> 00:14:43.490 passed off from one relative to another for like, 00:14:43.529 --> 00:14:46.570 I think, two months while I was out there. I 00:14:46.570 --> 00:14:48.690 spent a significant amount of time with my grandparents 00:14:48.690 --> 00:14:52.350 who have at that point already like aged quite 00:14:52.350 --> 00:14:54.870 a bit. And they were just living out there. uh, 00:14:54.970 --> 00:14:58.850 retirement years, essentially on the farm. Uh, 00:14:59.009 --> 00:15:02.409 man, so many memories of that, that, that farm, 00:15:02.429 --> 00:15:05.450 uh, man, like it was such a different world than 00:15:05.450 --> 00:15:07.370 the world I grew up in. I, like I said, like, 00:15:07.450 --> 00:15:10.190 I think my dad kind of, I, I, I don't understand 00:15:10.190 --> 00:15:11.870 my dad a lot because this is where he grew up. 00:15:11.889 --> 00:15:14.110 Right. It was the same place, the same farm, 00:15:14.169 --> 00:15:16.669 uh, that he grew up in. It was a rural town with 00:15:16.669 --> 00:15:18.570 very little modern amenities. I mean, the house 00:15:18.570 --> 00:15:21.870 didn't even have, um, plumbing, it had a toilet 00:15:21.870 --> 00:15:24.309 and I guess it was the fancier house, one of 00:15:24.309 --> 00:15:26.230 the fancier houses there because the toilet was 00:15:26.230 --> 00:15:28.870 in the house and not in like an outhouse. Uh, 00:15:29.090 --> 00:15:31.009 but the toilet was in the house, but there wasn't 00:15:31.009 --> 00:15:33.610 any plumbing. It's just, it was like a porta 00:15:33.610 --> 00:15:35.769 potty, right? You, there's just a dig hole, a 00:15:35.769 --> 00:15:38.750 hole, I'm sorry, a deep hole that was dug like 00:15:38.750 --> 00:15:41.490 straight down into the ground. Uh, my dad had 00:15:41.490 --> 00:15:43.690 these stories of how they would have to periodically 00:15:43.690 --> 00:15:49.250 clear out that, uh, that, um, that giant vessel 00:15:49.250 --> 00:15:53.250 that was underneath the hole of the poo, and 00:15:53.250 --> 00:15:55.289 they would use it as fertilizer, or they would 00:15:55.289 --> 00:15:58.549 do something with it, I forget. But the stench 00:15:58.549 --> 00:16:00.389 was unbearable. Like, it smelled like a port 00:16:00.389 --> 00:16:02.190 -a -potty. Like, it's exactly what you would 00:16:02.190 --> 00:16:05.129 think it would smell like if you just had poo 00:16:05.129 --> 00:16:07.210 sitting there and other people's poo and pee 00:16:07.210 --> 00:16:10.230 just, like, stacked on top of each other, settling 00:16:10.230 --> 00:16:14.470 in, and just the stench just... Oh, my gosh. 00:16:14.529 --> 00:16:17.470 I felt like I couldn't get it off of me. I did 00:16:17.470 --> 00:16:20.730 come back to the U .S. speaking Korean much better. 00:16:21.409 --> 00:16:24.149 And I did listen to some Korean music out there, 00:16:24.250 --> 00:16:27.370 which began my love -hate relationship with K 00:16:27.370 --> 00:16:32.309 -pop, right? The problem was that when I just 00:16:32.309 --> 00:16:34.909 lived my life, none of the being Korean part 00:16:34.909 --> 00:16:39.250 of it really mattered to me at all. I was more 00:16:39.250 --> 00:16:41.330 focused on the fact that I was broke as fuck, 00:16:41.509 --> 00:16:43.970 right? That my neighbors were broke as fuck, 00:16:44.049 --> 00:16:47.549 that life sucked. Who cares what ethnicity you 00:16:47.549 --> 00:16:49.649 are, right? If your life is shit, then it's shit, 00:16:49.750 --> 00:16:52.389 right? It doesn't matter. That's what I connected 00:16:52.389 --> 00:16:55.690 with. That's where my concern was. I was not 00:16:55.690 --> 00:16:59.149 motivated to buy into the importance of this 00:16:59.149 --> 00:17:02.710 Korean -ness as part of my identity. It just 00:17:02.710 --> 00:17:08.660 didn't carry all that much meaning for me. But 00:17:08.660 --> 00:17:11.220 I also think there was something else that was 00:17:11.220 --> 00:17:15.319 going on for me. I don't know if other people 00:17:15.319 --> 00:17:18.559 kind of viewed it this way, but I felt a kind 00:17:18.559 --> 00:17:22.180 of darkness also surrounding this imposition 00:17:22.180 --> 00:17:24.359 of holding on to my currentness. Now, I don't 00:17:24.359 --> 00:17:26.220 think for most people it was anything dark. I 00:17:26.220 --> 00:17:28.380 think for most people it was kind of like, you 00:17:28.380 --> 00:17:29.680 know, they're trying to hold on to something 00:17:29.680 --> 00:17:32.579 that had a lot of value for them, right? Had 00:17:32.579 --> 00:17:35.619 a lot of meaning. It was a part of their identity 00:17:35.619 --> 00:17:40.619 and, you know, it meant a lot to them. But I 00:17:40.619 --> 00:17:43.319 think in the midst of kind of holding it onto 00:17:43.319 --> 00:17:48.720 us so tightly, there was a sense of kind of pride 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:51.380 and nationalism that I was just never comfortable 00:17:51.380 --> 00:17:54.180 with. And it wasn't specific to Korean people. 00:17:54.539 --> 00:17:58.460 It was just anybody who sensed any kind of pride. 00:17:59.400 --> 00:18:01.380 I don't know if maybe this was something to talk 00:18:01.380 --> 00:18:03.079 about when I'm talking about like my issues with 00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:07.960 my dad, right? But I just never liked pride. 00:18:08.180 --> 00:18:12.039 Like there's something about pride that disgusted 00:18:12.039 --> 00:18:16.619 me that I was just not attracted to at all. It 00:18:16.619 --> 00:18:20.059 was that there's like a stench that it carried 00:18:20.059 --> 00:18:23.319 this self -satisfaction and leaning on arrogance 00:18:23.319 --> 00:18:25.700 or a false sense of superiority. I just don't 00:18:25.700 --> 00:18:28.700 know what it was exactly. I never was able to 00:18:28.700 --> 00:18:31.420 kind of. put a good word on it outside of pride, 00:18:31.640 --> 00:18:35.240 but there's something about others demanding 00:18:35.240 --> 00:18:38.700 that I join in to this fold that just made it 00:18:38.700 --> 00:18:42.779 that much worse. That made me, I think, resist 00:18:42.779 --> 00:18:46.420 adopting something about my ethnicity as an important 00:18:46.420 --> 00:18:50.079 part of my identity. It was honestly the same 00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:54.059 kind of feel that I got from the self -proclaimed 00:18:54.059 --> 00:18:59.059 Christians at my dad's church that were... always 00:18:59.059 --> 00:19:03.380 telling other people that they knew the truth 00:19:03.380 --> 00:19:05.700 and that others were wrong, right? It was also 00:19:05.700 --> 00:19:09.299 the same that I honestly feel that I got from 00:19:09.299 --> 00:19:11.460 myself when I reflect on it, from myself when 00:19:11.460 --> 00:19:15.319 I was a proud UCLA Bruin, right? The school pride, 00:19:15.500 --> 00:19:18.460 it bordered on irrational. No, it was definitely 00:19:18.460 --> 00:19:22.460 irrational. And because of that, like when I, 00:19:22.519 --> 00:19:24.220 you know, now that I have a clear head and I 00:19:24.220 --> 00:19:27.019 go back, oh man, like. It was pretty excessive, 00:19:27.259 --> 00:19:29.119 right? Like I went to a different level with 00:19:29.119 --> 00:19:30.660 it. And there's something about that, that it 00:19:30.660 --> 00:19:33.579 was the same thing for me anyways, right? It's 00:19:33.579 --> 00:19:36.079 also the same feel that I get from narcissists 00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:41.319 who are covering up their insecurities. Any of 00:19:41.319 --> 00:19:43.480 the pro -America rhetoric, like America is the 00:19:43.480 --> 00:19:46.420 greatest country on earth sort of rhetoric. Like, 00:19:46.460 --> 00:19:48.980 I mean, it takes all kinds of forms. There's 00:19:48.980 --> 00:19:51.160 different flavors, but at the core of it, it's 00:19:51.160 --> 00:19:52.980 the same thing. It's a kind of pride, right? 00:19:53.559 --> 00:19:55.680 And you might argue that there's like a good 00:19:55.680 --> 00:19:59.119 sort of pride, like maybe not beating down on 00:19:59.119 --> 00:20:01.140 yourself and having some sense of self -worth, 00:20:01.240 --> 00:20:03.940 but I would not call that pride. Like I'm thinking 00:20:03.940 --> 00:20:06.960 like people who just thought like they were the 00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:10.819 shit, right? And I don't know what it was about 00:20:10.819 --> 00:20:14.759 the Korean immigrants in my community, but a 00:20:14.759 --> 00:20:18.400 lot of them seem to have that feel. Like I said, 00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:20.900 I don't know. Like I wish I could have a longer 00:20:20.900 --> 00:20:23.710 conversation with them now. to find out exactly 00:20:23.710 --> 00:20:25.289 what was going through their head, I imagine 00:20:25.289 --> 00:20:28.690 a lot of it had to do with just a desire in a 00:20:28.690 --> 00:20:30.349 world that was completely different for them, 00:20:30.390 --> 00:20:33.289 right? Living in an area that was just foreign 00:20:33.289 --> 00:20:35.089 to them, essentially, right? Especially people 00:20:35.089 --> 00:20:36.970 who came when they were full -grown adults, right? 00:20:37.289 --> 00:20:40.329 It's a world that was completely different. Finding, 00:20:40.390 --> 00:20:44.509 you know, comfort in something that you knew, 00:20:44.690 --> 00:20:48.509 lived in, grew up in, right? I imagine that helped, 00:20:48.769 --> 00:20:54.299 but I did find that, The kind of imposing it 00:20:54.299 --> 00:20:59.339 on me reeked of like a desire for me to have 00:20:59.339 --> 00:21:02.700 the same sense of pride. It like completely missed 00:21:02.700 --> 00:21:05.759 who I was because I was not, did not have the 00:21:05.759 --> 00:21:08.400 same background as them. There's a gap between 00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:10.799 the immigrants that actually came when they were 00:21:10.799 --> 00:21:13.759 like 20, 30 years old versus me who was born 00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:17.619 in the United States and grew up here. But, you 00:21:17.619 --> 00:21:20.759 know, most mostly I just didn't care. I get that 00:21:20.759 --> 00:21:23.099 the world operates in a way that it does. And, 00:21:23.099 --> 00:21:26.640 you know, they like, you know, in America, you 00:21:26.640 --> 00:21:29.619 can't you can't deny that skin color seem to 00:21:29.619 --> 00:21:34.220 have had a long, you know. deep impact on the 00:21:34.220 --> 00:21:37.579 way that society is structured. So I understand 00:21:37.579 --> 00:21:39.980 that society operates a certain way, right? This 00:21:39.980 --> 00:21:43.640 is why I would dress up for an interview, right? 00:21:43.720 --> 00:21:45.960 The world operates the way that it does, and 00:21:45.960 --> 00:21:47.920 people make judgment about you and categorize 00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:50.759 you and label you, and it's a way for them to 00:21:50.759 --> 00:21:53.480 try to make sense of who you are. But deep down 00:21:53.480 --> 00:21:55.920 inside, I just didn't care about any of those 00:21:55.920 --> 00:21:59.799 things, right? I just didn't care. And because 00:21:59.799 --> 00:22:03.359 I didn't care, I found myself annoyed and not 00:22:03.359 --> 00:22:07.259 really seen and understood when people tried 00:22:07.259 --> 00:22:10.539 to impose these categories on me, especially 00:22:10.539 --> 00:22:14.640 when these categories are made to be some kind 00:22:14.640 --> 00:22:19.720 of identifying marker of who I am. It happened 00:22:19.720 --> 00:22:25.200 again to some degree. I understand it could work 00:22:25.200 --> 00:22:28.660 to my advantage. I will play things up if it 00:22:28.660 --> 00:22:32.079 might help. The truth is, like, I think what 00:22:32.079 --> 00:22:35.700 happened more often than not was that the way 00:22:35.700 --> 00:22:37.960 that I look on the outside or because I speak 00:22:37.960 --> 00:22:41.140 a particular language or because I could understand 00:22:41.140 --> 00:22:45.980 the collectivist Korean culture, the mindset, 00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:48.599 some of the, you know, being aware of the nonverbal 00:22:48.599 --> 00:22:52.319 cues, because I can navigate that community better 00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:55.720 than just a complete stranger. I think it gave 00:22:55.720 --> 00:22:58.779 people the sense that somehow, like, they and 00:22:58.779 --> 00:23:02.099 I were. on the same page about stuff, right? 00:23:02.180 --> 00:23:05.140 Like we were seeing eye to eye. But the truth 00:23:05.140 --> 00:23:08.119 was, like, I could understand but not necessarily 00:23:08.119 --> 00:23:12.720 agree as it being something that I would endorse, 00:23:12.940 --> 00:23:18.680 right? And I think this became a bigger issue 00:23:18.680 --> 00:23:23.640 when, you know, I developed fairly early on a 00:23:23.640 --> 00:23:26.119 critical eye towards the Korean culture, morally. 00:23:27.180 --> 00:23:29.799 Right. From the way that they treated women, 00:23:29.980 --> 00:23:33.279 just had differences in views to some of the 00:23:33.279 --> 00:23:34.920 harmful educational practice. I mean, there's 00:23:34.920 --> 00:23:37.220 just a range of stuff. Right. I've mentioned 00:23:37.220 --> 00:23:40.880 like my issues with K -pop music. Right. I have 00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:42.839 like a love hate relationship because there's 00:23:42.839 --> 00:23:45.000 many aspects of it that I just absolutely hate. 00:23:45.220 --> 00:23:47.480 I think it's absolutely immoral. Right. And it 00:23:47.480 --> 00:23:50.319 and it's regardless of a deeper culture. I could 00:23:50.319 --> 00:23:53.819 understand the culture. Right. And the practices 00:23:53.819 --> 00:23:56.079 and where it comes from. But I was still critical 00:23:56.079 --> 00:23:59.099 of it. Because in my eyes, right is right, good 00:23:59.099 --> 00:24:02.420 is good, wrong is wrong, right? Like this transcends 00:24:02.420 --> 00:24:07.619 culture, right? It doesn't matter. And, you know, 00:24:07.740 --> 00:24:12.579 I don't, I don't, I think it was hard in part 00:24:12.579 --> 00:24:17.279 because depending on what community I was in, 00:24:17.380 --> 00:24:21.980 they were trying to push me in a direction that 00:24:21.980 --> 00:24:26.829 wasn't consistent with who I was. deep inside. 00:24:27.789 --> 00:24:31.190 When I was around Koreans, they would assume 00:24:31.190 --> 00:24:34.910 they would want me to root for, let's say, Koreans 00:24:34.910 --> 00:24:38.130 during the World Cup. I have no desire to root 00:24:38.130 --> 00:24:42.509 for Koreans in the World Cup. They want me to 00:24:42.509 --> 00:24:46.509 understand and practice and live out a lot of 00:24:46.509 --> 00:24:48.849 the Korean values. I disagree with quite a few 00:24:48.849 --> 00:24:53.529 of them. I don't agree with all of any of the 00:24:53.529 --> 00:24:56.269 cultural values of any culture, right? If anything, 00:24:56.509 --> 00:25:00.970 like, I felt a deep kinship, right? I felt drawn 00:25:00.970 --> 00:25:06.349 to a lot of the Latino, right, values growing 00:25:06.349 --> 00:25:13.069 up. I think I saw elements of, you know, black 00:25:13.069 --> 00:25:15.890 culture that I really liked. That I was like, 00:25:15.930 --> 00:25:18.390 this is a good way to kind of live and understand 00:25:18.390 --> 00:25:20.750 and find meaning in life. There were elements 00:25:20.750 --> 00:25:24.829 of white culture. I mean, I studied, I mean, 00:25:24.849 --> 00:25:27.410 I studied philosophy and my specialization was 00:25:27.410 --> 00:25:29.609 in a bunch of Scottish philosophers from 17th 00:25:29.609 --> 00:25:32.690 and 18th century, right? So, you know, like I 00:25:32.690 --> 00:25:36.630 saw value wherever I saw value, right? There 00:25:36.630 --> 00:25:40.569 was never anything that was drawn along ethnicity, 00:25:40.789 --> 00:25:43.930 at least for me. Now, I imagine this is different 00:25:43.930 --> 00:25:46.910 for other people and that's fine. But what I 00:25:46.910 --> 00:25:50.289 didn't like was when, you know, I just had this 00:25:50.289 --> 00:25:55.789 sense that people were trying to box me in. And 00:25:55.789 --> 00:26:01.309 I think this became much clearer to me when something 00:26:01.309 --> 00:26:03.369 happened. I mean, growing up in Los Angeles at 00:26:03.369 --> 00:26:08.430 this time, you couldn't escape it, right? It 00:26:08.430 --> 00:26:12.849 became very clear in the killing of LaTosha Harlins, 00:26:12.970 --> 00:26:15.789 the LAPD's assault of Rodney King, and the LA 00:26:15.789 --> 00:26:21.940 civil unrest that followed, right? I had a hard 00:26:21.940 --> 00:26:27.279 time standing with Koreans. I always wanted to 00:26:27.279 --> 00:26:31.579 stand for truth, justice, wherever I found it, 00:26:31.619 --> 00:26:34.299 right? That's why I was critical of pretty much 00:26:34.299 --> 00:26:37.299 every culture. Like, I loved aspects of different 00:26:37.299 --> 00:26:39.339 cultures, and then I just really hated other 00:26:39.339 --> 00:26:43.259 aspects of different cultures, right? Some of 00:26:43.259 --> 00:26:45.900 it was just like to each their own, but others, 00:26:45.960 --> 00:26:49.940 it was deeply like... offensive to me, the moral 00:26:49.940 --> 00:26:54.019 values reflected in it. But I think especially 00:26:54.019 --> 00:26:56.799 when all this went down with the LA civil unrest, 00:26:57.059 --> 00:27:02.680 right, the Korean community, at least in my neighborhood, 00:27:02.859 --> 00:27:05.160 right, with my parents, that community, right, 00:27:05.220 --> 00:27:07.359 there was a way in which they were taking a stand 00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:13.440 that I just did not agree with. You know? I mean, 00:27:13.559 --> 00:27:15.559 let me take this picture for you, right? In the 00:27:15.559 --> 00:27:17.160 case of LaTosha Harlan, right, it was a Korean 00:27:17.160 --> 00:27:21.759 store owner. who shot Latasha in the back, in 00:27:21.759 --> 00:27:25.680 the fucking back, right? That's not self -defense. 00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:29.359 I'm not going to stand by that. I don't care 00:27:29.359 --> 00:27:32.339 who the fuck you are, right? You should have 00:27:32.339 --> 00:27:35.759 been punished accordingly, not let off so easily. 00:27:36.880 --> 00:27:39.880 Yet many in the Korean community, at least, like 00:27:39.880 --> 00:27:41.180 I said, in my neighborhood, right? The ones that 00:27:41.180 --> 00:27:45.440 I was exposed to, right? If they did not outright 00:27:45.440 --> 00:27:50.440 support the store owner, They stood silent. They 00:27:50.440 --> 00:27:53.539 were silent in all this. And the L .A. civil 00:27:53.539 --> 00:27:55.839 unrest impacted a lot of Korean store owners, 00:27:56.000 --> 00:27:57.440 right? A lot of this was happening in Koreatown, 00:27:57.519 --> 00:28:00.319 right? Some with direct and indirect ties to 00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:02.420 my parents and the different church members there, 00:28:02.480 --> 00:28:04.960 right? And they obviously would side with the 00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:06.759 Koreans, appalled by the violence, like, why 00:28:06.759 --> 00:28:10.400 is this happening, right? I was silent on the 00:28:10.400 --> 00:28:13.680 issue in front of them because I honestly sided 00:28:13.680 --> 00:28:18.210 with the uprising. I understood. The anger and 00:28:18.210 --> 00:28:21.569 the frustration, right? I have lived the way 00:28:21.569 --> 00:28:24.309 that Korean people were treating and viewing 00:28:24.309 --> 00:28:26.730 black people, Mexicans, like in the neighborhood, 00:28:26.829 --> 00:28:29.329 right? They would talk about them, like talk 00:28:29.329 --> 00:28:32.210 down on them, right? And maybe that's where I 00:28:32.210 --> 00:28:34.170 sensed a lot of this pride and arrogance, right? 00:28:34.289 --> 00:28:36.930 It's like they had this sense that they were 00:28:36.930 --> 00:28:40.289 smarter, they were better, like morally, that 00:28:40.289 --> 00:28:43.269 blacks and Latinos were nothing but criminals. 00:28:44.410 --> 00:28:46.869 Like, that was the attitude of the Korean community. 00:28:47.910 --> 00:28:52.730 And the civil unrest, they just took it as more 00:28:52.730 --> 00:28:55.869 of the same. This is just something that Black 00:28:55.869 --> 00:28:57.549 people do. This is just something that Latinos 00:28:57.549 --> 00:29:02.309 do. That was when I was living in the Inland 00:29:02.309 --> 00:29:05.569 Empire, San Bardino. When I spent time in Orange 00:29:05.569 --> 00:29:08.170 County later on in life, and this is where I'm 00:29:08.170 --> 00:29:13.220 at now, living in this area, right? I... was 00:29:13.220 --> 00:29:16.259 and am still disgusted even more by the Korean 00:29:16.259 --> 00:29:19.819 community. More specifically, it's the ones that 00:29:19.819 --> 00:29:24.440 were able to accrue wealth. And so now they have 00:29:24.440 --> 00:29:29.220 a home, a 401k, they have money, capital to spend. 00:29:29.619 --> 00:29:34.099 And I was just appalled at how often they tend 00:29:34.099 --> 00:29:37.279 to perpetuate the oppression of the poor, including 00:29:37.279 --> 00:29:41.240 poor Koreans, right? Other racial groups. Those 00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:44.460 without a higher education, right? All while 00:29:44.460 --> 00:29:46.980 proudly displaying the accomplishments of Koreans. 00:29:47.180 --> 00:29:52.740 It honestly makes me want to throw up. The wealthy 00:29:52.740 --> 00:29:56.019 Koreans in this neighborhood, they were the oppressors. 00:29:56.200 --> 00:29:59.500 In my eyes, they are adopting the same mindset 00:29:59.500 --> 00:30:02.140 as the attitudes of wealthy white oppressors 00:30:02.140 --> 00:30:04.099 before them, right? Like, there's no difference 00:30:04.099 --> 00:30:07.619 in my eyes between the two. They might speak 00:30:07.619 --> 00:30:11.059 as if they side with... The immigrant community, 00:30:11.380 --> 00:30:13.640 the poor, whatever else, right? They might play 00:30:13.640 --> 00:30:17.839 nice. The image they might project or they want 00:30:17.839 --> 00:30:19.440 to project might be something different. But 00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:24.039 their silence, their stance on policy, their 00:30:24.039 --> 00:30:27.220 attitudes towards social programs, like, tell 00:30:27.220 --> 00:30:32.759 me just all I need to know. They were ignorant 00:30:32.759 --> 00:30:35.220 and numb to the suffering of those in their own 00:30:35.220 --> 00:30:37.920 community. And they would justify it in whatever 00:30:37.920 --> 00:30:42.130 way they can. not as an indictment of their own 00:30:42.130 --> 00:30:45.630 hoarding of resources or pushing for policies 00:30:45.630 --> 00:30:48.490 that benefit them while hurting others. They 00:30:48.490 --> 00:30:50.890 engage in the same sort of dog whistle shit. 00:30:52.529 --> 00:30:55.710 My parents buy into a lot of this stuff. Even 00:30:55.710 --> 00:30:58.789 to this day, they send me text messages of shit 00:30:58.789 --> 00:31:01.130 where it's like, where are you getting this? 00:31:01.250 --> 00:31:04.089 And it's from other fellow Koreans in their community. 00:31:08.079 --> 00:31:11.819 Do I hate them? No, it's not anything like that. 00:31:12.940 --> 00:31:18.019 But what I'm pointing out is this. It's going 00:31:18.019 --> 00:31:22.559 to be inaccurate more than anything to look at 00:31:22.559 --> 00:31:25.960 me and then try to box me in or to try to make 00:31:25.960 --> 00:31:29.460 assumptions about my ethnicity, to think that 00:31:29.460 --> 00:31:32.859 my ethnicity somehow is informative of anything 00:31:32.859 --> 00:31:36.920 about me. Because that is actually not at the 00:31:36.920 --> 00:31:40.440 core. of what I care about. And it's reflected 00:31:40.440 --> 00:31:43.480 in the way that I live out my life. It's reflected 00:31:43.480 --> 00:31:45.680 in the things that I value. It's reflected in 00:31:45.680 --> 00:31:48.319 the kinds of things that I'm willing to critique. 00:31:48.420 --> 00:31:51.359 It's in the way that I, in the things that I 00:31:51.359 --> 00:31:55.220 stand by and the things I stand against. What 00:31:55.220 --> 00:31:58.980 I'm saying is this, fuck your ethnicity. I don't 00:31:58.980 --> 00:32:02.180 give a shit if we share the same heritage, if 00:32:02.180 --> 00:32:05.180 we share the same roots. Or even if we share 00:32:05.180 --> 00:32:07.339 the same experience. If anything, it's a reason 00:32:07.339 --> 00:32:10.180 for me to come down harder on you. But maybe 00:32:10.180 --> 00:32:12.599 that's just me. I personally think that we should 00:32:12.599 --> 00:32:16.160 be holding our own communities accountable so 00:32:16.160 --> 00:32:19.599 that people from the outside don't have to. So 00:32:19.599 --> 00:32:22.240 if you want me to be a part of your community, 00:32:22.440 --> 00:32:25.839 you just need to know, I will be a participant 00:32:25.839 --> 00:32:27.640 in the community. But part of that means that 00:32:27.640 --> 00:32:30.619 I will be critical of it. Because I'd rather, 00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:32.700 as a member of the community, be critical of 00:32:32.700 --> 00:32:35.890 it. then let an outsider come in and then start 00:32:35.890 --> 00:32:38.750 critiquing it. The point is this. My identity 00:32:38.750 --> 00:32:40.849 is rooted in a search for truth and justice. 00:32:40.930 --> 00:32:44.630 I think that's universal. And my ethnicity, your 00:32:44.630 --> 00:32:47.329 ethnicity, doesn't have shit to do with that. 00:32:48.230 --> 00:32:51.329 If anything, a pride in your ethnicity, if not 00:32:51.329 --> 00:32:54.009 checked, can be the source of your moral degradation. 00:32:54.109 --> 00:32:58.250 So stop calling me Korean. It means nothing to 00:32:58.250 --> 00:32:58.349 me.