WEBVTT 00:00:27.999 --> 00:00:30.859 So before we begin, I just want to make a quick 00:00:30.859 --> 00:00:34.000 note that this episode is going to get really 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:37.159 heavy since I will be talking about my struggles 00:00:37.159 --> 00:00:40.460 with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. 00:00:40.500 --> 00:00:43.979 And I'm going to be fairly blunt. So it's best 00:00:43.979 --> 00:00:46.659 to get yourself ready. If you need to pause and 00:00:46.659 --> 00:00:51.380 come back to it when you're ready, or if you'd 00:00:51.380 --> 00:00:54.380 rather turn to something else, I think it would 00:00:54.380 --> 00:00:56.020 be wise. I'm guessing you know yourself better 00:00:56.020 --> 00:00:59.799 than I do. Just letting you, giving you fair 00:00:59.799 --> 00:01:07.640 warning. Okay, now on to the show. I'm not sure 00:01:07.640 --> 00:01:12.560 when it all began. All I know is that I first 00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:16.299 considered suicide in junior high and that I 00:01:16.299 --> 00:01:19.379 thought about it fairly often all throughout 00:01:19.379 --> 00:01:22.219 high school. It's hard to pinpoint exactly why. 00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:26.359 At the time, I remember my feelings fluctuated 00:01:26.359 --> 00:01:30.400 a lot. I had a lot of mood swings, but, you know, 00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:34.519 feelings of depression and anger, being back 00:01:34.519 --> 00:01:36.620 to being depressed and anxious and happy and 00:01:36.620 --> 00:01:41.099 excited, back to being angry and depressed. I 00:01:41.099 --> 00:01:43.620 think my aunt has bipolar. I think that's what 00:01:43.620 --> 00:01:45.319 she was officially diagnosed with, although I 00:01:45.319 --> 00:01:46.939 don't know what the diagnosis is now for her. 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:50.620 But I wondered if that's what it was like, just 00:01:50.620 --> 00:01:53.620 going through so many different feelings that 00:01:53.620 --> 00:01:59.049 fluctuated day to day. Well, why did my feelings 00:01:59.049 --> 00:02:02.129 fluctuate like this? I think much of it probably 00:02:02.129 --> 00:02:07.689 at the time depended on the situation. Being 00:02:07.689 --> 00:02:10.129 broke all the time definitely contributed to 00:02:10.129 --> 00:02:13.189 feeling anxious about the future, but that was 00:02:13.189 --> 00:02:15.169 just a default. I don't know why I felt anxious 00:02:15.169 --> 00:02:16.990 about it sometimes. Maybe it got overwhelming 00:02:16.990 --> 00:02:19.229 and then I just shut down at some point. It's 00:02:19.229 --> 00:02:24.740 hard to remember from so far in the past. But 00:02:24.740 --> 00:02:26.639 I do know that I wasn't anxious all the time. 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:31.979 Seeing others not as broke as me led to feelings 00:02:31.979 --> 00:02:36.539 of anger, a sense of injustice. But again, like 00:02:36.539 --> 00:02:38.419 those feelings would come and go. It wasn't like 00:02:38.419 --> 00:02:39.879 I was thinking about or feeling that way all 00:02:39.879 --> 00:02:43.080 the time. So, you know, I wondered if a lot of 00:02:43.080 --> 00:02:44.680 the feelings fluctuating was just that there 00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:46.259 were just a lot of things under the surface that 00:02:46.259 --> 00:02:49.659 was bubbling up. And I don't know why some things 00:02:49.659 --> 00:02:53.090 just popped off at certain times. My parents 00:02:53.090 --> 00:02:56.930 couldn't seem to find a way to succeed, to do 00:02:56.930 --> 00:02:59.069 something to stay above water financially, which 00:02:59.069 --> 00:03:03.430 also left me feeling helpless a lot. All of these 00:03:03.430 --> 00:03:07.990 contributed to an overall sense of hopelessness, 00:03:07.990 --> 00:03:12.509 like life was just hard. And being alive, going 00:03:12.509 --> 00:03:15.870 through the day by day was just hard. Making 00:03:15.870 --> 00:03:19.930 ends meet was hard. Just completing your daily 00:03:19.930 --> 00:03:23.439 tasks was hard. And then carrying all these emotions 00:03:23.439 --> 00:03:26.740 alone, well, with no one else to talk to, that 00:03:26.740 --> 00:03:30.580 was especially hard. I think it also didn't help 00:03:30.580 --> 00:03:32.939 that I felt responsible for my parents in a lot 00:03:32.939 --> 00:03:36.900 of ways, as if they were my children. I think 00:03:36.900 --> 00:03:39.800 I lost respect for them fairly early in my life, 00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:42.039 probably late elementary school is when it started. 00:03:42.080 --> 00:03:45.259 But I think in junior high, I just full on didn't 00:03:45.259 --> 00:03:47.659 respect them at all. I remember one time I... 00:03:48.840 --> 00:03:50.919 I forget exactly how old I was, but at one point 00:03:50.919 --> 00:03:54.000 I ended up like smacking my own father in the 00:03:54.000 --> 00:03:58.520 face. That was one hell of a moment. I also remember 00:03:58.520 --> 00:04:02.740 flipping the bird off to my mom. All kinds of 00:04:02.740 --> 00:04:06.240 nasty behavior. But it was honestly a reflection 00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:07.979 of the fact that I just didn't respect them as 00:04:07.979 --> 00:04:12.740 human beings, as parents. Not just because they 00:04:12.740 --> 00:04:14.539 struggled to put food on the table, but because 00:04:14.539 --> 00:04:16.680 I couldn't trust their decision making on anything. 00:04:17.659 --> 00:04:20.220 from how they trusted the wrong people and they 00:04:20.220 --> 00:04:24.120 would get swindled to cultural norms, which they 00:04:24.120 --> 00:04:25.980 were fairly wrong about a lot since they were 00:04:25.980 --> 00:04:28.120 immigrants and they were still living, I think, 00:04:28.120 --> 00:04:30.220 in their heads in another country in a completely 00:04:30.220 --> 00:04:36.680 different context. And I also didn't just trust 00:04:36.680 --> 00:04:39.920 their judgment on, I don't know, just about everything, 00:04:40.060 --> 00:04:42.560 right? I also felt responsible for their feelings, 00:04:42.740 --> 00:04:46.639 which is kind of weird. In my mind, I think, 00:04:46.800 --> 00:04:49.550 like, Things like I can't ask them for anything 00:04:49.550 --> 00:04:53.470 for my birthday, like no gifts, because the things 00:04:53.470 --> 00:04:56.110 I really wanted, I know they can't afford. So 00:04:56.110 --> 00:04:57.970 they won't be able to get it for me, first of 00:04:57.970 --> 00:05:01.189 all. And then all I would get is a barrage of 00:05:01.189 --> 00:05:04.230 guilty feelings on their end. And then now I'd 00:05:04.230 --> 00:05:06.949 feel terrible for making them feel guilty, right? 00:05:07.769 --> 00:05:09.490 So these are all things that I mean, I don't 00:05:09.490 --> 00:05:12.290 know how much of this would have been was true. 00:05:12.389 --> 00:05:14.050 Like if these are this is exactly what would 00:05:14.050 --> 00:05:16.670 have how would have played out. But I think there 00:05:16.670 --> 00:05:19.310 was a lot of experiences in the day to day that 00:05:19.310 --> 00:05:24.149 gave me this belief. And I really, you know, 00:05:24.149 --> 00:05:26.730 held on to it. It was kind of like a pretty common 00:05:26.730 --> 00:05:29.529 narrative in my own head of how things would 00:05:29.529 --> 00:05:33.730 play out with them. Right. Like they meant the 00:05:33.730 --> 00:05:37.889 best, but they were just. unable they were lacking 00:05:37.889 --> 00:05:41.569 in some ways and so you know all i would do is 00:05:41.569 --> 00:05:43.750 i was i was just going to cause emotional harm 00:05:43.750 --> 00:05:49.930 i also didn't realize it until later on um that 00:05:49.930 --> 00:05:52.490 they also lacked emotional intelligence so i 00:05:52.490 --> 00:05:55.829 learned early that turning to them made me feel 00:05:55.829 --> 00:05:58.410 worse a lot of times much of their responses 00:05:58.410 --> 00:06:01.620 to my expressions of any feeling was that it'll 00:06:01.620 --> 00:06:04.100 pass, or it's just a phase, it's all temporary, 00:06:04.540 --> 00:06:06.800 or that it's hard, but that there's nothing you 00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:10.779 can do about it, so learn to deal with it. They 00:06:10.779 --> 00:06:14.019 taught me to just try to overcome or to ignore 00:06:14.019 --> 00:06:17.519 it. I think a lot of the things that they saw 00:06:17.519 --> 00:06:20.540 me, like just genuine expressions of feelings 00:06:20.540 --> 00:06:23.879 and trying to explain why I felt that way, I 00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:30.180 think we met with their reaction. Like they themselves 00:06:30.180 --> 00:06:33.660 just didn't know how to deal with my feeling 00:06:33.660 --> 00:06:36.139 these ways. And so a lot of the times their explanations 00:06:36.139 --> 00:06:39.199 were just fairly, I'm guessing pretty cookie 00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:41.180 cutter for a lot of parents to say like, you 00:06:41.180 --> 00:06:43.740 know, oh, I know it feels that way right now. 00:06:43.740 --> 00:06:46.379 I know things are hard, but it'll be better or, 00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:50.199 you know, things like that. It's all I got. I 00:06:50.199 --> 00:06:52.259 ended up using a lot of these coping mechanisms 00:06:52.259 --> 00:06:56.149 that, of course. These strategies just only mask 00:06:56.149 --> 00:06:59.310 what's happening underneath, I think. And whatever 00:06:59.310 --> 00:07:02.329 I was feeling, it didn't go away. It was there. 00:07:02.410 --> 00:07:04.550 I just learned not to deal with it. That's really 00:07:04.550 --> 00:07:07.649 what the lesson I took from. I'm not trying to 00:07:07.649 --> 00:07:10.829 rip on my parents. I just want to paint the full 00:07:10.829 --> 00:07:13.430 picture. Like imagine a kid feeling everything 00:07:13.430 --> 00:07:17.009 he's feeling and feeling them intensely. I don't 00:07:17.009 --> 00:07:19.149 know if it was particular to me, but I did feel 00:07:19.149 --> 00:07:21.930 a lot of these feelings fairly intensely. Not 00:07:21.930 --> 00:07:24.370 having anywhere to just put those feelings, right? 00:07:24.509 --> 00:07:28.470 Like anytime I expressed it physically or through 00:07:28.470 --> 00:07:32.430 words, through yelling, through crying, like 00:07:32.430 --> 00:07:36.810 those were things that, you know, there was no 00:07:36.810 --> 00:07:41.149 real reaction to, right? It was just like, he's 00:07:41.149 --> 00:07:43.009 sad, but he'll get over it, right? Like that 00:07:43.009 --> 00:07:46.490 was the kind of response. And I didn't really 00:07:46.490 --> 00:07:52.579 have friends to turn to. No parents, no... no 00:07:52.579 --> 00:07:57.319 adults of any kind that I could trust. So I was 00:07:57.319 --> 00:07:59.800 just left sitting with all these feelings alone. 00:08:00.680 --> 00:08:03.879 And that's really the point, is that I was left 00:08:03.879 --> 00:08:09.240 with these feelings alone. And it's overwhelming. 00:08:10.240 --> 00:08:13.779 And that's what made suicide so appealing at 00:08:13.779 --> 00:08:22.199 that time. Life was just overwhelming. Like, 00:08:22.199 --> 00:08:24.759 having been through it, I imagine that for most 00:08:24.759 --> 00:08:30.600 people, suicide isn't something to glorify or 00:08:30.600 --> 00:08:35.679 praise. It's not something to seek out. If you've 00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:39.039 been through it, like if you've been there in 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:40.519 that place where you're even considering it, 00:08:40.580 --> 00:08:43.620 it's really a last resort. It's the option you 00:08:43.620 --> 00:08:45.840 turn to when the alternative, which is honestly 00:08:45.840 --> 00:08:49.919 just simply living, when that option just felt 00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:55.269 too hard. I'm not talking about like, you know, 00:08:55.289 --> 00:08:57.730 making ends meet or just completing daily tasks. 00:08:57.970 --> 00:09:00.490 Like those felt overwhelming when you're already 00:09:00.490 --> 00:09:03.269 in this place. For me, by living, I just meant 00:09:03.269 --> 00:09:06.269 being awake. Like that was hard. Like being conscious, 00:09:06.509 --> 00:09:09.529 right? Being aware of the world, having thoughts 00:09:09.529 --> 00:09:12.090 and feelings, experiencing life in any way. All 00:09:12.090 --> 00:09:18.990 of that felt just overwhelming. That became too 00:09:18.990 --> 00:09:25.320 painful. And when all that becomes so painful, 00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:29.620 you just want everything to stop. You just want 00:09:29.620 --> 00:09:34.080 it to stop. And that's what it was. I was yearning. 00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:38.240 I was wanting peace. I was wanting silence. I 00:09:38.240 --> 00:09:42.740 was wanting an end. I just wanted things to end. 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:45.700 I don't know what it was on the other side of 00:09:45.700 --> 00:09:49.419 it. I just wanted everything to stop. I just 00:09:49.419 --> 00:09:53.629 wanted life to stop. And these thoughts would 00:09:53.629 --> 00:09:58.769 just start taking a life of its own, right? Thoughts 00:09:58.769 --> 00:10:00.750 about how to make it happen, strategizing about 00:10:00.750 --> 00:10:05.110 how to do it, but also planning for the aftermath 00:10:05.110 --> 00:10:07.690 of it all, right? Like I said, I often felt responsible 00:10:07.690 --> 00:10:10.950 for my parents' feelings. And I thought maybe 00:10:10.950 --> 00:10:13.370 the best way for everyone to deal with my death 00:10:13.370 --> 00:10:15.250 would have been for it to look like an accident. 00:10:15.289 --> 00:10:18.190 So I even had these thoughts of how could I make 00:10:18.190 --> 00:10:21.149 it look like it was an accident? Like, you know. 00:10:21.899 --> 00:10:24.259 make it not so obvious that I was trying to get 00:10:24.259 --> 00:10:28.419 hit by a car or fall off a cliff or, you know. 00:10:30.379 --> 00:10:33.179 I spent many nights considering the possibilities 00:10:33.179 --> 00:10:37.360 and sometimes I did it like, I mean, we lived 00:10:37.360 --> 00:10:39.200 out in the desert. It gets cold out at night. 00:10:39.820 --> 00:10:42.919 We're talking freezing cold. And there were nights 00:10:42.919 --> 00:10:46.279 when I remember I would just spend, I would just 00:10:46.279 --> 00:10:49.700 get up out of the house. One, two in the morning 00:10:49.700 --> 00:10:51.799 when everyone was asleep. It was freezing cold 00:10:51.799 --> 00:10:55.220 outside and I would just lay at the park bench 00:10:55.220 --> 00:11:01.299 right outside in our apartment complex in the 00:11:01.299 --> 00:11:05.059 middle of the night and just lay there. And I 00:11:05.059 --> 00:11:06.980 would just hope that I would fall asleep and 00:11:06.980 --> 00:11:11.220 in my sleep I would just freeze to death. That 00:11:11.220 --> 00:11:14.360 I didn't have to do anything. I would just fall 00:11:14.360 --> 00:11:18.179 asleep and that would just be the end. I had 00:11:18.179 --> 00:11:22.080 a lot of recurring dreams where I would fall 00:11:22.080 --> 00:11:25.679 from a building and it felt liberating, to be 00:11:25.679 --> 00:11:28.480 honest, in those dreams. Or dreams of getting 00:11:28.480 --> 00:11:31.200 into some head -on collision or getting in a 00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:34.200 fire accident of some kind. Houses burning down 00:11:34.200 --> 00:11:39.240 and it collapses on me. Those honestly wouldn't 00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:44.460 have been bad ways to go. I mean, I sometimes 00:11:44.460 --> 00:11:47.570 wanted the physical pain, to be honest. Because 00:11:47.570 --> 00:11:54.429 it at least drowned out whatever other kind of 00:11:54.429 --> 00:11:59.370 pain I was feeling inside. But I also, you know, 00:11:59.370 --> 00:12:03.669 had this weird thing about sharp objects and 00:12:03.669 --> 00:12:06.549 fires, right? So I had a lot of thoughts in those 00:12:06.549 --> 00:12:11.929 directions about what I might do to myself. Something 00:12:11.929 --> 00:12:16.080 quick maybe in a quiet, isolated place. someplace 00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:19.360 peaceful, someplace where I could just slowly 00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:25.919 just end it. And then at some point my body would 00:12:25.919 --> 00:12:28.500 give out, I'd fall asleep and I'd wake up the 00:12:28.500 --> 00:12:31.720 next day and I'd find a way to manage to carry 00:12:31.720 --> 00:12:35.799 on. The thoughts never went away. It was always 00:12:35.799 --> 00:12:38.500 there. The only difference was the degree of 00:12:38.500 --> 00:12:41.940 willingness to follow through on them. And the 00:12:41.940 --> 00:12:44.629 theme was always the same. When life felt overwhelming, 00:12:44.850 --> 00:12:47.909 I turned to those thoughts for, I'm not sure 00:12:47.909 --> 00:12:56.250 what, for comfort? For hope? And what's crazy 00:12:56.250 --> 00:12:59.190 is that it just wasn't always like that, right? 00:12:59.289 --> 00:13:03.250 So for a while, I felt like I had things under 00:13:03.250 --> 00:13:05.889 control. And this is especially true when I went 00:13:05.889 --> 00:13:09.570 off to college. You know, I went through ups 00:13:09.570 --> 00:13:12.080 and downs. It wasn't like life was... Beautiful 00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:16.899 and perfect. But I don't know what about college 00:13:16.899 --> 00:13:19.019 it was. Maybe it was just the fact that I was 00:13:19.019 --> 00:13:22.720 away from home or that I got to get a nice restart 00:13:22.720 --> 00:13:25.440 on my life. At least that's what I told myself. 00:13:26.600 --> 00:13:30.700 Just ignore my past and then start anew. Whether 00:13:30.700 --> 00:13:33.399 it was just physically being in a place with 00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:39.620 better weather. physically just being in a different 00:13:39.620 --> 00:13:41.580 place and having lots of distractions. I mean, 00:13:41.620 --> 00:13:44.139 you know, if you live in the residence halls, 00:13:44.240 --> 00:13:46.019 there's always something going on, right? So 00:13:46.019 --> 00:13:48.580 it's not that I had emotional support necessarily, 00:13:48.779 --> 00:13:50.440 but there was always something there to distract 00:13:50.440 --> 00:13:53.919 me. There was always something going on so that 00:13:53.919 --> 00:13:58.059 I didn't have to deal with my own head, with 00:13:58.059 --> 00:14:00.940 my own thoughts, my own feelings. And graduate 00:14:00.940 --> 00:14:03.419 school was more the same. I got to be away from 00:14:03.419 --> 00:14:09.519 home. I got to be on my own. And luckily, I was 00:14:09.519 --> 00:14:11.620 able to receive decent financial support throughout 00:14:11.620 --> 00:14:14.720 my graduate school education. So money wasn't 00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:18.399 a huge like stressor. I was also able to teach 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:21.279 SATs at that point over the summers and make 00:14:21.279 --> 00:14:23.480 some money that way. So financially, I was fine. 00:14:24.100 --> 00:14:27.740 I had a lot of people around me, a lot of events, 00:14:27.940 --> 00:14:30.980 a lot of things that could distract me. And I 00:14:30.980 --> 00:14:33.320 just needed to focus on school and just, you 00:14:33.320 --> 00:14:35.389 know, it was just like. Take it one step at a 00:14:35.389 --> 00:14:37.269 time, right? Just finish one program and then 00:14:37.269 --> 00:14:40.870 get on to the next, right? So maybe that singular 00:14:40.870 --> 00:14:43.450 focus helped me to not have to worry about anything 00:14:43.450 --> 00:14:47.149 else. And so life felt manageable. It felt easy 00:14:47.149 --> 00:14:53.470 in some ways. But then I got married and life 00:14:53.470 --> 00:14:58.549 suddenly got overwhelming again. And it wasn't 00:14:58.549 --> 00:15:00.830 marriage. It wasn't really the marriage. It was 00:15:00.830 --> 00:15:04.629 honestly the timing of it all. I don't know what 00:15:04.629 --> 00:15:07.269 the hell I was thinking, right? But in a six 00:15:07.269 --> 00:15:12.169 -month span, I got married, which was already 00:15:12.169 --> 00:15:14.789 stressful if you ever had to plan for a wedding. 00:15:14.830 --> 00:15:18.610 It causes a lot of stress and arguing and, you 00:15:18.610 --> 00:15:21.929 know, man, really tough just planning for the 00:15:21.929 --> 00:15:27.929 wedding. I applied for and landed a job at Villanova, 00:15:27.970 --> 00:15:31.860 which was great. They required that I finish 00:15:31.860 --> 00:15:34.799 my PhD by the time I started the job. So now 00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:36.919 I'm stressed out, like trying to finish my PhD, 00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:40.179 which, my God, like I went through revision after 00:15:40.179 --> 00:15:42.240 revision and none of it felt like it was going 00:15:42.240 --> 00:15:46.419 to get me to the end. Like that was painfully 00:15:46.419 --> 00:15:50.340 stressful. And then I moved across country where 00:15:50.340 --> 00:15:54.059 I knew no one. And it was different this time 00:15:54.059 --> 00:15:57.220 because I had someone with me. And so we're planning 00:15:57.220 --> 00:15:58.960 a move together. And if you know anything about 00:15:58.960 --> 00:16:01.000 me, like. planning things with other people is 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:03.500 not necessarily my forte. I do it sometimes if 00:16:03.500 --> 00:16:06.120 I need to, but I don't really enjoy doing it 00:16:06.120 --> 00:16:10.820 and it's particularly stressful for me. So juggling 00:16:10.820 --> 00:16:15.059 all this at once, right? Saying that it was a 00:16:15.059 --> 00:16:18.159 lot is really an understatement. I was super 00:16:18.159 --> 00:16:20.799 overwhelmed. I mean, every day. Every day there 00:16:20.799 --> 00:16:24.620 was a long to -do list before we moved, during 00:16:24.620 --> 00:16:26.460 the move, after the move. There was just a lot. 00:16:26.860 --> 00:16:29.620 of things that I was trying to juggle and prepare 00:16:29.620 --> 00:16:31.399 for, and I just never felt like there was enough 00:16:31.399 --> 00:16:34.899 time in the day. Every day was just a struggle 00:16:34.899 --> 00:16:39.379 to just enjoy a moment. Every day was also another 00:16:39.379 --> 00:16:42.259 change in routine, something different that I 00:16:42.259 --> 00:16:44.000 had to do. I remember, like, before we even left 00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:47.679 for Philly, I was already having these suicidal 00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:53.700 ideations again. I remember the first, you know... 00:16:54.000 --> 00:16:57.100 Right after the wedding, it was already pretty 00:16:57.100 --> 00:17:00.440 stressful learning how to be in that kind of 00:17:00.440 --> 00:17:03.220 a relationship. And then with all this other 00:17:03.220 --> 00:17:07.640 stuff piled up on, I remember there was a moment 00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:13.960 when I just was playing with a knife in the dark 00:17:13.960 --> 00:17:16.519 room. We're planning the move and we're trying 00:17:16.519 --> 00:17:18.319 to figure out how to box things up and we're 00:17:18.319 --> 00:17:22.180 doing all these things to prepare. And I had 00:17:22.180 --> 00:17:24.839 a night where I just like laid in that room with 00:17:24.839 --> 00:17:28.119 all these boxes and stuff that was slowly being 00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:30.799 packed up, like just with a knife because I just 00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:33.599 felt so overwhelmed. I mean, luckily I didn't 00:17:33.599 --> 00:17:36.500 do anything. I fell asleep, woke up in the morning 00:17:36.500 --> 00:17:40.980 with this thing next to me. I mean, geez, like 00:17:40.980 --> 00:17:43.240 when I say that things can turn really fast for 00:17:43.240 --> 00:17:46.400 me, it can turn really fast. It doesn't take 00:17:46.400 --> 00:17:48.920 much. I just need to get past a certain point 00:17:48.920 --> 00:17:54.559 and then. It's a real -life possibility. And 00:17:54.559 --> 00:17:58.359 it didn't seem like anything I did was enough 00:17:58.359 --> 00:18:01.240 to make me feel like I was back on solid ground. 00:18:01.500 --> 00:18:04.420 Because now I was juggling several different 00:18:04.420 --> 00:18:08.420 things that had a lot of meaning to me. And so 00:18:08.420 --> 00:18:10.799 as a result, I just constantly felt like I was 00:18:10.799 --> 00:18:16.910 failing at everything, right? When I... You know, 00:18:16.910 --> 00:18:19.670 when I focus on work and I still have to focus 00:18:19.670 --> 00:18:22.410 on work, not just because of the new job, if 00:18:22.410 --> 00:18:25.750 it was just teaching in the position and fulfilling 00:18:25.750 --> 00:18:27.650 the requirements of the job, that wouldn't have 00:18:27.650 --> 00:18:30.190 been so stressful. But, you know, it wasn't a 00:18:30.190 --> 00:18:32.170 permanent position. It was a teaching fellowship. 00:18:32.769 --> 00:18:36.089 And so I was still applying for more permanent 00:18:36.089 --> 00:18:40.150 position, a tenure track job, which meant I was 00:18:40.150 --> 00:18:43.309 trying to do research and publish and, you know, 00:18:43.309 --> 00:18:47.059 do X, Y and Z. And so. I would spend a lot of 00:18:47.059 --> 00:18:48.960 energy on work because I would be so anxious 00:18:48.960 --> 00:18:51.680 about work. And then when I did so, my marriage 00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:55.059 would suffer. But then when I focused on my marriage, 00:18:55.180 --> 00:18:58.740 I felt like my work suffered. When I focused 00:18:58.740 --> 00:19:01.539 on settling in and finding a community in Philly, 00:19:01.579 --> 00:19:06.400 my introvert self would be exhausted. And I just 00:19:06.400 --> 00:19:10.519 never felt like I was in an okay place. No matter 00:19:10.519 --> 00:19:13.019 what I did, I just felt like I was dropping the 00:19:13.019 --> 00:19:15.569 ball on something, whether it's... for other 00:19:15.569 --> 00:19:18.789 people or for myself. I was filled with anxiety 00:19:18.789 --> 00:19:21.150 every day, just looking at the responsibility 00:19:21.150 --> 00:19:24.690 lists, just hoping for them to just magically 00:19:24.690 --> 00:19:27.690 disappear. But they didn't because they don't, 00:19:27.690 --> 00:19:30.849 right? I just wanted them to disappear. They're 00:19:30.849 --> 00:19:35.089 there when you wake up in the morning. And the 00:19:35.089 --> 00:19:38.490 way I coped at the time when it became overwhelming, 00:19:38.569 --> 00:19:41.910 it was like, you know, better to just... drink 00:19:41.910 --> 00:19:44.930 and numb myself rather than to just end it all. 00:19:45.210 --> 00:19:48.930 Because now I had people that I was responsible 00:19:48.930 --> 00:19:53.730 for, I felt like. And so as a result, you know, 00:19:53.730 --> 00:19:56.089 I thought that maybe this would be better than 00:19:56.089 --> 00:19:59.150 just ending it all. So the nights would be filled 00:19:59.150 --> 00:20:02.609 with just drinking just to numb myself, just 00:20:02.609 --> 00:20:05.509 enough so that I could go to sleep. Then I would 00:20:05.509 --> 00:20:07.829 wake up in the morning and I would just go through 00:20:07.829 --> 00:20:10.950 the checklist, the things that I got to do. like 00:20:10.950 --> 00:20:14.609 a mindless zombie. I dreaded going to work, even 00:20:14.609 --> 00:20:17.890 though teaching was and is a passion of mine. 00:20:17.950 --> 00:20:20.589 I dreaded going to work. I dreaded going home 00:20:20.589 --> 00:20:23.849 because I felt like I was terrible at, you know, 00:20:23.849 --> 00:20:26.950 relationships. I dreaded life. I was just falling 00:20:26.950 --> 00:20:32.029 apart left and right. I probably wouldn't have 00:20:32.029 --> 00:20:34.509 even taken any steps to seek help, to be honest. 00:20:35.630 --> 00:20:38.430 It's hard, kind of, if you're still functioning 00:20:38.430 --> 00:20:42.589 when you're depressed. Right. It's it's easy 00:20:42.589 --> 00:20:46.250 to be in denial that you have a serious problem. 00:20:47.470 --> 00:20:49.930 If you could still wake up like, you know, I 00:20:49.930 --> 00:20:52.450 study psychology. So, you know, in my mind, I'm 00:20:52.450 --> 00:20:54.450 thinking like, well, I'm not like, you know, 00:20:54.450 --> 00:20:57.509 just laying in bed, sleeping all day and I'm 00:20:57.509 --> 00:21:01.009 still showering daily and I'm still doing X, 00:21:01.109 --> 00:21:03.769 Y and Z. So, you know, I'm fine. I still have 00:21:03.769 --> 00:21:07.210 some, you know, still feel like I have some control. 00:21:09.480 --> 00:21:12.740 And so it actually was the biggest barrier probably 00:21:12.740 --> 00:21:15.460 was a mental barrier to just acknowledge that 00:21:15.460 --> 00:21:19.220 I could at least use some help. But of course, 00:21:19.259 --> 00:21:22.819 finding a therapist is really hard. Finding that 00:21:22.819 --> 00:21:24.900 kind of help is just really difficult. To my 00:21:24.900 --> 00:21:26.700 surprise at the time, right, it was so hard. 00:21:28.170 --> 00:21:31.009 You know, juggling what would and wouldn't be 00:21:31.009 --> 00:21:33.829 covered by insurance, finding a therapist that 00:21:33.829 --> 00:21:35.710 was actually available. That was surprisingly 00:21:35.710 --> 00:21:39.210 hard. It's just such a shortage of mental health 00:21:39.210 --> 00:21:42.230 professionals. And on top of that, already being 00:21:42.230 --> 00:21:44.329 depressed. And so I was already lacking motivation. 00:21:44.390 --> 00:21:47.170 And as I said, like if you're in denial to some 00:21:47.170 --> 00:21:50.549 degree, like you're not going to act on, you 00:21:50.549 --> 00:21:52.769 know, trying to get help because it doesn't make 00:21:52.769 --> 00:21:54.910 sense to if you're actually OK and you can handle 00:21:54.910 --> 00:21:58.160 it. Thinking it helped to have a partner who 00:21:58.160 --> 00:22:00.279 at least had information about what to look for, 00:22:00.339 --> 00:22:03.920 what to ask, followed up with me on how things 00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:06.339 might have gone if I was trying out a therapist 00:22:06.339 --> 00:22:08.859 and figuring out whether or not it was a good 00:22:08.859 --> 00:22:10.640 fit. I mean, she was really helpful for all of 00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:15.660 that. And once I found a therapist I was happy 00:22:15.660 --> 00:22:18.880 with, I was at least able to let myself feel 00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:23.059 something real, right? To cry, to hurt. There's 00:22:23.059 --> 00:22:25.339 a lot of things that I just, I told you, like, 00:22:25.660 --> 00:22:28.920 I learned to cope with things by just repressing 00:22:28.920 --> 00:22:31.240 everything in many ways or distracting myself 00:22:31.240 --> 00:22:33.940 until I started feeling a little bit better. 00:22:35.019 --> 00:22:37.559 And it worked for me for a while. It helped me 00:22:37.559 --> 00:22:40.539 get through life. So I thought it was fine, but 00:22:40.539 --> 00:22:44.359 it just didn't work anymore. Right. So, you know, 00:22:44.359 --> 00:22:47.559 this was a space for me to actually feel something 00:22:47.559 --> 00:22:52.319 real. And it was obvious I had a lot that was 00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:54.819 still pent up that it was there that never just. 00:22:55.160 --> 00:22:59.880 Because just in talking about my history, my 00:22:59.880 --> 00:23:03.839 experiences, there would be days I would come 00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:09.319 home after a session and I would just put the 00:23:09.319 --> 00:23:11.259 blanket over my head and I would just cry until 00:23:11.259 --> 00:23:14.700 I fell asleep. I didn't want anyone around me. 00:23:14.900 --> 00:23:19.799 I just, I didn't, you know, it was a good kind 00:23:19.799 --> 00:23:23.450 of crying. It was a releasing in a way of all 00:23:23.450 --> 00:23:27.130 that I just was holding on to. And so I did feel 00:23:27.130 --> 00:23:29.390 to some degree lighter each time that happened. 00:23:29.430 --> 00:23:33.250 But in the moment, I remember it took hours for 00:23:33.250 --> 00:23:35.829 me to even be functional after some of these 00:23:35.829 --> 00:23:40.029 sessions. And it took a while, but things did 00:23:40.029 --> 00:23:44.130 improve. In the least, I became more aware of 00:23:44.130 --> 00:23:47.289 how sad or angry I've been in my marriage and 00:23:47.289 --> 00:23:51.660 life in general. I also started to see the ways 00:23:51.660 --> 00:23:54.180 my own anxieties fed this unhealthy approach 00:23:54.180 --> 00:23:57.259 to work, this obsession with feeling like I need 00:23:57.259 --> 00:24:00.759 to do more that was taking me away from the other 00:24:00.759 --> 00:24:04.700 things in my life that mattered. I began to slowly 00:24:04.700 --> 00:24:08.539 find myself on at least more solid ground, at 00:24:08.539 --> 00:24:11.619 least more than I had been since the move to 00:24:11.619 --> 00:24:15.420 Philly. But the truth was that though I improved 00:24:15.420 --> 00:24:19.779 some, there was, in retrospect, so much work 00:24:19.779 --> 00:24:23.019 left to be done. It was just kind of scratching 00:24:23.019 --> 00:24:24.660 the surface, right? And the signs were there. 00:24:25.140 --> 00:24:27.160 You know, the signs were there because, like 00:24:27.160 --> 00:24:31.680 I said, this way of reacting to situations, the 00:24:31.680 --> 00:24:37.500 way of coping was something that I had developed 00:24:37.500 --> 00:24:40.660 over decades at that point, right? So when I 00:24:40.660 --> 00:24:43.380 had a bad fight with my partner, I would spiral. 00:24:43.519 --> 00:24:46.759 I mean, it happened less often than before. My 00:24:46.759 --> 00:24:51.319 responses shifted noticeably, but there were 00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:56.019 still days and there were still weeks even when 00:24:56.019 --> 00:25:03.400 I would just spiral. It happened less, but it 00:25:03.400 --> 00:25:06.539 didn't go away. And that's really the theme here. 00:25:07.420 --> 00:25:11.339 Things just happen less, just not never necessarily. 00:25:12.490 --> 00:25:14.710 When I had anything that could be construed as 00:25:14.710 --> 00:25:17.170 a negative feedback at work, man, I would have 00:25:17.170 --> 00:25:20.789 this sudden rush of anxiety that just kept me 00:25:20.789 --> 00:25:24.009 up some nights. I would just be a workaholic, 00:25:24.170 --> 00:25:26.809 like just not necessarily pull all -nighters, 00:25:26.869 --> 00:25:29.970 but I would lose sleep because I was trying to 00:25:29.970 --> 00:25:33.069 alleviate those feelings of anxiety by doing 00:25:33.069 --> 00:25:38.789 something about it. I became obsessed with just 00:25:38.789 --> 00:25:43.440 getting things done and help. alleviate something 00:25:43.440 --> 00:25:46.619 but a lot of it was probably the anxiety I was 00:25:46.619 --> 00:25:50.259 feeling but still I was able to manage and which 00:25:50.259 --> 00:25:52.220 was better than before and I found comfort and 00:25:52.220 --> 00:25:58.819 consistency in life in you know we built a decent 00:25:58.819 --> 00:26:03.220 community in Philly and I was hopeful for I was 00:26:03.220 --> 00:26:05.740 at least hopeful for something better as we were 00:26:05.740 --> 00:26:10.059 moving forward right we're pretty excited And 00:26:10.059 --> 00:26:12.880 I found out and I was super excited that I was 00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:16.519 about to have my first kid. So, like I said, 00:26:16.559 --> 00:26:20.099 a lot of things to be kind of hopeful for. Then, 00:26:20.099 --> 00:26:24.900 again, life became overwhelming. You know, when 00:26:24.900 --> 00:26:30.900 I didn't expect it, I came fairly late in spring. 00:26:31.039 --> 00:26:33.619 It was actually right around graduation time 00:26:33.619 --> 00:26:36.539 at Villanova. And I was called for an interview 00:26:36.539 --> 00:26:42.339 at Pasadena City College. And I even flew out 00:26:42.339 --> 00:26:43.700 there for the interview, even though I think 00:26:43.700 --> 00:26:49.259 they offered to do it virtually. And then, lo 00:26:49.259 --> 00:26:51.960 and behold, I landed the job and I had to move 00:26:51.960 --> 00:26:55.160 back to California right when I was about to 00:26:55.160 --> 00:26:58.740 have my first kid. And so now I'm moving across 00:26:58.740 --> 00:27:01.759 the country again, starting a new job again, 00:27:01.940 --> 00:27:06.299 and becoming a father for the first time while 00:27:06.299 --> 00:27:11.460 dealing... with all that kind of responsibilities 00:27:11.460 --> 00:27:14.900 and so on, and emotional baggage that comes with 00:27:14.900 --> 00:27:21.339 it. But plus, on top of that, this was a tenure 00:27:21.339 --> 00:27:23.900 -track position. So for me, there was a lot at 00:27:23.900 --> 00:27:25.779 stake. Like, I really did not want to fuck this 00:27:25.779 --> 00:27:27.480 up. Like, this is a once -in -a -lifetime opportunity. 00:27:27.819 --> 00:27:34.400 So, you know, it was... Like, I'm trying to kind 00:27:34.400 --> 00:27:37.299 of explain that it wasn't just like... A lot 00:27:37.299 --> 00:27:40.400 of to -do stuff. There was a lot of emotions 00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:43.839 here, right? Like what the job meant to me, what 00:27:43.839 --> 00:27:45.839 moving back to California actually meant to me 00:27:45.839 --> 00:27:48.759 emotionally. There's just a lot there. Being 00:27:48.759 --> 00:27:51.240 close to the family was actually one of the negatives. 00:27:51.740 --> 00:27:53.819 There's something nice about being far away from 00:27:53.819 --> 00:27:56.240 family. I mean, you probably noticed that from 00:27:56.240 --> 00:27:59.259 the theme here of my years in college and graduate 00:27:59.259 --> 00:28:02.259 school, that just being away from home was often 00:28:02.259 --> 00:28:06.480 helpful just so that I had one less. emotional 00:28:06.480 --> 00:28:11.039 burden, at least. And if all that wasn't enough, 00:28:11.279 --> 00:28:14.619 like, I start the job, my daughter is born, like, 00:28:14.680 --> 00:28:17.559 just really within, like, a couple months of 00:28:17.559 --> 00:28:19.619 starting the job, and then she is hospitalized 00:28:19.619 --> 00:28:23.880 at two weeks old. It was an infection, a staph 00:28:23.880 --> 00:28:25.960 infection, that they couldn't figure out exactly 00:28:25.960 --> 00:28:28.519 where it was rooted. Eventually we found out 00:28:28.519 --> 00:28:32.500 it was in her bone, in her leg, and so she had 00:28:32.500 --> 00:28:34.759 to go into surgery. We were in the hospital. 00:28:35.039 --> 00:28:36.920 I was basically living in the hospital for a 00:28:36.920 --> 00:28:41.359 good two weeks. I was still commuting to work. 00:28:41.700 --> 00:28:44.619 You know, at this time, there wasn't any online 00:28:44.619 --> 00:28:46.680 classes I was teaching. All of this was in person. 00:28:46.759 --> 00:28:51.140 So, you know, I just started. I didn't have paternity 00:28:51.140 --> 00:28:53.700 leave. I had to physically go into work. And 00:28:53.700 --> 00:28:56.240 because I just started, there was only a few 00:28:56.240 --> 00:29:01.079 days of personal time off I could take. I tried 00:29:01.079 --> 00:29:03.259 to schedule it so that I could be away from work 00:29:03.259 --> 00:29:06.099 as much as possible, but the reality was I still 00:29:06.099 --> 00:29:15.119 had to go in for work. And it was a lot of, I 00:29:15.119 --> 00:29:17.740 remember a lot of late nights. You know, you 00:29:17.740 --> 00:29:20.299 have late nights just because a kid, an infant, 00:29:20.460 --> 00:29:22.980 wakes up every couple hours, but it was also, 00:29:23.160 --> 00:29:29.019 man, those nights when under a lamp. two, three 00:29:29.019 --> 00:29:31.160 in the morning, just grading papers as quickly 00:29:31.160 --> 00:29:36.559 as I can, just to at least do what I can to complete 00:29:36.559 --> 00:29:38.500 the basic do. Like I said, it was a tenure track 00:29:38.500 --> 00:29:39.920 job. I didn't want to screw up that opportunity. 00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:44.220 None of these are excuses, by the way, for how 00:29:44.220 --> 00:29:47.940 I handle things. If anything, these events simply 00:29:47.940 --> 00:29:51.839 expose what I think was still underneath, that 00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:56.980 there wasn't a good foundation for how I dealt 00:29:56.980 --> 00:30:03.490 with my depression and anxiety, at least not 00:30:03.490 --> 00:30:06.849 a healthy way of dealing with it. Because there 00:30:06.849 --> 00:30:09.069 was a tendency that, like I said, the foundation 00:30:09.069 --> 00:30:14.670 was a tendency that was laid through over a couple 00:30:14.670 --> 00:30:16.730 of decades at that point, like two, three decades. 00:30:18.009 --> 00:30:22.230 You know, I did just more of the same, right? 00:30:22.289 --> 00:30:24.730 I go into default mode. That's what I do when 00:30:24.730 --> 00:30:27.730 things get this hard. I focus on just making 00:30:27.730 --> 00:30:30.569 it through the day. I was in survival mode. Just 00:30:30.569 --> 00:30:35.430 get what you can done as much as possible. You 00:30:35.430 --> 00:30:37.569 can wait till tomorrow to feel anything, right? 00:30:37.670 --> 00:30:39.269 Like when all this is done, that's when you can 00:30:39.269 --> 00:30:41.410 let yourself reflect and feel. But in the meantime, 00:30:41.569 --> 00:30:45.529 you just got to get it done. And right now you 00:30:45.529 --> 00:30:48.549 just need to focus on duties, work, logistics. 00:30:48.890 --> 00:30:56.119 That's the focus. When my mind is there, you 00:30:56.119 --> 00:30:59.359 could imagine what that meant for my relationships 00:30:59.359 --> 00:31:02.799 with my partner, with my kid, with family, with 00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:07.819 friends. I was constantly checked out. I mean, 00:31:07.880 --> 00:31:10.920 I kind of had a sense, but I think probably other 00:31:10.920 --> 00:31:14.700 people felt it and experienced it more. I was 00:31:14.700 --> 00:31:16.339 like a zombie just going through the motions 00:31:16.339 --> 00:31:19.779 of life. I was dead inside, an empty shell of 00:31:19.779 --> 00:31:23.319 a person. There was just no life in me. And if 00:31:23.319 --> 00:31:26.700 anything got too much at any given moment, all 00:31:26.700 --> 00:31:31.160 that I wasn't letting myself feel, it just came 00:31:31.160 --> 00:31:34.880 out in a big explosion. It was in a fit of anger 00:31:34.880 --> 00:31:38.940 or sense of hopelessness or once again, my old 00:31:38.940 --> 00:31:42.339 friend, the suicidal thoughts. I was not a pleasant 00:31:42.339 --> 00:31:45.180 person to be around. This is kind of how depression 00:31:45.180 --> 00:31:47.759 works, right? Like when you're in a major depressive 00:31:47.759 --> 00:31:50.440 episode, like you just drag everyone else down 00:31:50.440 --> 00:31:53.579 with you. And it's not that I was always a downer 00:31:53.579 --> 00:31:57.039 and that people didn't want to be around me because 00:31:57.039 --> 00:32:00.619 I was no fun. Depression for me, and I imagine 00:32:00.619 --> 00:32:02.299 it probably is for a lot of other people, it 00:32:02.299 --> 00:32:03.559 just comes out in a lot of different ways, right? 00:32:03.619 --> 00:32:07.400 I mean, if I was wanting to feel better, but 00:32:07.400 --> 00:32:10.339 I can't, and other people around me didn't necessarily 00:32:10.339 --> 00:32:13.960 help with that, right? Like if nothing they were 00:32:13.960 --> 00:32:16.890 doing helped to make me feel better. I would 00:32:16.890 --> 00:32:19.970 snap at them, right? I mean, it's unfair to them. 00:32:19.970 --> 00:32:21.609 Like it's not their responsibility for how I 00:32:21.609 --> 00:32:24.569 feel, but, you know, because I'm just, I feel 00:32:24.569 --> 00:32:26.569 overwhelmed and I just want somebody else to 00:32:26.569 --> 00:32:31.769 take off that burden. I'm just, I'm just snapping 00:32:31.769 --> 00:32:37.849 at them. Sometimes I, it was because I was dismissive 00:32:37.849 --> 00:32:40.049 of help and genuine care and concern from people, 00:32:40.130 --> 00:32:42.730 right? Like people might express care, but I 00:32:42.730 --> 00:32:46.839 would just kind of brush it off. Partly because 00:32:46.839 --> 00:32:49.980 maybe I was feeling hopeless myself at the time, 00:32:50.019 --> 00:32:53.480 but other times it was because I just didn't 00:32:53.480 --> 00:32:55.140 want to drag other people down with me. I just 00:32:55.140 --> 00:32:57.619 felt like if I shared what it is I was really 00:32:57.619 --> 00:33:00.579 going through, how I was feeling, I would just 00:33:00.579 --> 00:33:03.779 drag the world down with me. So a lot of times, 00:33:03.839 --> 00:33:07.259 at least early on, I tried to just keep it to 00:33:07.259 --> 00:33:13.980 myself. Pretending like I was okay was pretty 00:33:13.980 --> 00:33:18.900 common. As a result, eventually the people that 00:33:18.900 --> 00:33:24.019 care about you, they start to actually give up 00:33:24.019 --> 00:33:28.920 or to just move away themselves, right? Because 00:33:28.920 --> 00:33:33.160 the truth is like my behaviors, my words encourage 00:33:33.160 --> 00:33:36.500 them to do so. It's not intentional. It's just 00:33:36.500 --> 00:33:39.759 how I am when I'm depressed. Like the way that 00:33:39.759 --> 00:33:43.740 I am just makes it hard on the people around 00:33:43.740 --> 00:33:48.480 you. And though they try, if I don't eventually 00:33:48.480 --> 00:33:51.400 get to a place where I'm responding to them differently, 00:33:51.559 --> 00:33:55.279 like they lose energy, they lose motivation to 00:33:55.279 --> 00:33:57.539 keep trying. So even the people who probably 00:33:57.539 --> 00:34:01.619 cared, I'm sure at some point just felt exhausted. 00:34:03.819 --> 00:34:06.079 And, you know, I told you I started going to 00:34:06.079 --> 00:34:07.259 therapy, so you'd think I would have learned 00:34:07.259 --> 00:34:11.139 my lesson. And maybe I did, at least to some 00:34:11.139 --> 00:34:13.400 degree, though, you know, in terms of the way 00:34:13.400 --> 00:34:16.579 that I responded, It's just, it was a lot of 00:34:16.579 --> 00:34:18.719 like one step forward, two steps back. Like that's 00:34:18.719 --> 00:34:20.519 what it often felt like. But the one thing I 00:34:20.519 --> 00:34:23.420 did learn was that it, that I needed, that I 00:34:23.420 --> 00:34:25.539 was wanting to find a therapist. Again, I needed 00:34:25.539 --> 00:34:29.059 some encouragement because, you know, when you're 00:34:29.059 --> 00:34:30.719 depressed, like you're just not feeling very 00:34:30.719 --> 00:34:34.130 particularly motivated to. seek help like it's 00:34:34.130 --> 00:34:38.309 like a weird self -fulfilling um sort of cycle 00:34:38.309 --> 00:34:40.929 right where you're depressed so as a result you 00:34:40.929 --> 00:34:43.809 just aren't motivated to find help but as a result 00:34:43.809 --> 00:34:46.150 of not finding help you stay depressed right 00:34:46.150 --> 00:34:49.389 um so i found a therapist the first therapist 00:34:49.389 --> 00:34:51.949 i found that i saw for a decent amount of time 00:34:51.949 --> 00:34:55.130 was uh helpful to some degree but not really 00:34:55.130 --> 00:34:58.110 with feelings it was really with the more intellectual 00:34:58.110 --> 00:35:01.849 side of things Kind of getting me to consider 00:35:01.849 --> 00:35:04.269 what's going on from a bird's eye view. But also 00:35:04.269 --> 00:35:07.550 it was like having a colleague where we're trying 00:35:07.550 --> 00:35:11.369 to diagnose me and to figure out what it is that 00:35:11.369 --> 00:35:13.889 I might be experiencing. So there's a lot of 00:35:13.889 --> 00:35:15.829 random things that he would suggest checking 00:35:15.829 --> 00:35:19.869 out as a possibility beyond just simple depression 00:35:19.869 --> 00:35:24.550 and anxiety. The one I'm seeing now, though, 00:35:24.590 --> 00:35:26.750 I think is a much better fit, a better balance 00:35:26.750 --> 00:35:30.559 of what I really needed, which is... Yeah, the 00:35:30.559 --> 00:35:33.679 intellectual side of things, like having somebody 00:35:33.679 --> 00:35:36.559 who understands me in that respect, I think helps. 00:35:37.179 --> 00:35:39.699 But at the end of the day, what I needed to do 00:35:39.699 --> 00:35:42.460 was deal with the feelings that I just wasn't 00:35:42.460 --> 00:35:45.440 able to let out, at least not in a healthy way. 00:35:46.780 --> 00:35:49.900 But I honestly didn't start seeing improvements, 00:35:49.940 --> 00:35:53.130 at least for that depressive episode. until I 00:35:53.130 --> 00:35:55.170 started also coupling it with some medication. 00:35:55.429 --> 00:35:58.170 So for the first time I was taking antidepressants. 00:35:58.389 --> 00:36:01.190 I was never opposed, you know, to medication. 00:36:01.909 --> 00:36:05.329 I was familiar with it. And so, you know, I was 00:36:05.329 --> 00:36:08.670 always open to it as a possibility. And it wasn't 00:36:08.670 --> 00:36:10.590 for me like a sign of like shame or anything. 00:36:10.670 --> 00:36:13.550 Like it wasn't something to like be like, oh 00:36:13.550 --> 00:36:17.480 no, like, you know, I'm on medication. It was 00:36:17.480 --> 00:36:19.820 actually, for me, it had more to do with my own 00:36:19.820 --> 00:36:22.480 weird obsession with not losing control. I have 00:36:22.480 --> 00:36:25.239 this thing about being in control, especially 00:36:25.239 --> 00:36:28.579 of my own mind. Like, I have a fear of losing 00:36:28.579 --> 00:36:32.139 control of my own mind, right? It scares the 00:36:32.139 --> 00:36:36.699 living shit out of me. But even with all this, 00:36:36.820 --> 00:36:40.300 like, it's been a struggle. I mean, we're going 00:36:40.300 --> 00:36:43.860 on years now. Not days or weeks or months. It's 00:36:43.860 --> 00:36:50.900 years. almost a decade, trying to get back on 00:36:50.900 --> 00:36:54.960 my feet. Man, and during these depressive episodes, 00:36:55.039 --> 00:36:59.920 my health took a beating. I did not sleep well. 00:37:00.019 --> 00:37:03.460 I did not exercise regularly. I just didn't care. 00:37:04.179 --> 00:37:09.820 And so my body just, man, they just started deteriorating. 00:37:09.960 --> 00:37:12.920 So even now I'm feeling the impacts because I'm 00:37:12.920 --> 00:37:16.610 trying to finally regain. better physical health, 00:37:17.030 --> 00:37:19.710 you know, and that makes a difference. At least 00:37:19.710 --> 00:37:22.710 all the research shows improving your physical 00:37:22.710 --> 00:37:30.130 self helps your emotional self. I am more aware 00:37:30.130 --> 00:37:33.349 of, but still can't stop, intrusive thoughts 00:37:33.349 --> 00:37:40.869 of self -harm. I still get them for various different 00:37:40.869 --> 00:37:49.190 reasons. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe 00:37:49.190 --> 00:37:52.289 some philosopher can help me with it. But I go 00:37:52.289 --> 00:37:55.070 through these cycles of existential crises where 00:37:55.070 --> 00:37:59.050 I have just this overwhelming sense that life 00:37:59.050 --> 00:38:01.949 is completely meaningless and that I should just 00:38:01.949 --> 00:38:04.809 end it all. It's not necessarily because I'm 00:38:04.809 --> 00:38:10.469 depressed, but life just feels meaningless. And 00:38:10.469 --> 00:38:13.250 everything that I have done to distract myself 00:38:13.250 --> 00:38:17.570 feels like... a show that i'm putting on or something 00:38:17.570 --> 00:38:20.949 and it's not real all of it is fake but right 00:38:20.949 --> 00:38:24.849 life really just has no meaning at all um you 00:38:24.849 --> 00:38:27.110 know i think in earlier sessions those were some 00:38:27.110 --> 00:38:29.909 dark discussions i had with my therapist and 00:38:29.909 --> 00:38:32.610 now they become more like oh we're back to this 00:38:32.610 --> 00:38:35.769 again right like it's with a little bit more 00:38:35.769 --> 00:38:40.429 humor in these sessions now Life has become more 00:38:40.429 --> 00:38:43.690 stable from my daughter's health to work to living 00:38:43.690 --> 00:38:46.230 situation. I mean, all that stuff helps, of course, 00:38:46.309 --> 00:38:49.989 but it's hard not to think, you know, given my 00:38:49.989 --> 00:38:54.170 history, I know that I don't know when the next 00:38:54.170 --> 00:38:56.449 depressive episode is going to be. I don't know 00:38:56.449 --> 00:38:59.010 exactly what's going to trigger it. And I know 00:38:59.010 --> 00:39:01.869 that things could turn real fast, especially 00:39:01.869 --> 00:39:04.289 when life just constantly seems to be throwing 00:39:04.289 --> 00:39:08.250 curveballs at you. You can't control. What you 00:39:08.250 --> 00:39:12.230 can't control, and you can't control what life 00:39:12.230 --> 00:39:15.489 is going to bring, put on your table at any given 00:39:15.489 --> 00:39:20.030 moment. I don't know what you were hoping for 00:39:20.030 --> 00:39:21.670 in this story. I don't know what I was hoping 00:39:21.670 --> 00:39:27.130 for in this story, to be honest. Maybe we're 00:39:27.130 --> 00:39:31.809 just hoping for a happy ending, but this is not 00:39:31.809 --> 00:39:34.409 a story of some triumph over depression and anxiety. 00:39:34.969 --> 00:39:40.369 It's far from it. The reality, the real truth 00:39:40.369 --> 00:39:43.610 is that there are good days. There are bad days. 00:39:45.750 --> 00:39:49.929 I've built up a better support system for myself. 00:39:52.829 --> 00:39:57.070 I have things I could turn to now and better 00:39:57.070 --> 00:39:59.630 habits that I've developed that I know that I'll 00:39:59.630 --> 00:40:03.349 be in better position to deal with things in 00:40:03.349 --> 00:40:06.769 a healthier way than I had before. The best that 00:40:06.769 --> 00:40:08.889 I could honestly hope for in any given day is 00:40:08.889 --> 00:40:12.969 just enjoy the good days and manage the bad. 00:40:15.269 --> 00:40:18.190 But knowing my history, I know that bad days 00:40:18.190 --> 00:40:20.969 can spiral into something very dark very fast. 00:40:21.809 --> 00:40:26.090 And for me, tomorrow just is never guaranteed. 00:40:27.909 --> 00:40:36.139 Never. So, how am I doing? I guess today I'm 00:40:36.139 --> 00:40:42.219 doing okay, so far. But ask me again tomorrow.