So before we begin, I just want to make a quick
note that this episode is going to get really
heavy since I will be talking about my struggles
with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.
And I'm going to be fairly blunt. So it's best
to get yourself ready. If you need to pause and
come back to it when you're ready, or if you'd
rather turn to something else, I think it would
be wise. I'm guessing you know yourself better
than I do. Just letting you, giving you fair
warning. Okay, now on to the show. I'm not sure
when it all began. All I know is that I first
considered suicide in junior high and that I
thought about it fairly often all throughout
high school. It's hard to pinpoint exactly why.
At the time, I remember my feelings fluctuated
a lot. I had a lot of mood swings, but, you know,
feelings of depression and anger, being back
to being depressed and anxious and happy and
excited, back to being angry and depressed. I
think my aunt has bipolar. I think that's what
she was officially diagnosed with, although I
don't know what the diagnosis is now for her.
But I wondered if that's what it was like, just
going through so many different feelings that
fluctuated day to day. Well, why did my feelings
fluctuate like this? I think much of it probably
at the time depended on the situation. Being
broke all the time definitely contributed to
feeling anxious about the future, but that was
just a default. I don't know why I felt anxious
about it sometimes. Maybe it got overwhelming
and then I just shut down at some point. It's
hard to remember from so far in the past. But
I do know that I wasn't anxious all the time.
Seeing others not as broke as me led to feelings
of anger, a sense of injustice. But again, like
those feelings would come and go. It wasn't like
I was thinking about or feeling that way all
the time. So, you know, I wondered if a lot of
the feelings fluctuating was just that there
were just a lot of things under the surface that
was bubbling up. And I don't know why some things
just popped off at certain times. My parents
couldn't seem to find a way to succeed, to do
something to stay above water financially, which
also left me feeling helpless a lot. All of these
contributed to an overall sense of hopelessness,
like life was just hard. And being alive, going
through the day by day was just hard. Making
ends meet was hard. Just completing your daily
tasks was hard. And then carrying all these emotions
alone, well, with no one else to talk to, that
was especially hard. I think it also didn't help
that I felt responsible for my parents in a lot
of ways, as if they were my children. I think
I lost respect for them fairly early in my life,
probably late elementary school is when it started.
But I think in junior high, I just full on didn't
respect them at all. I remember one time I...
I forget exactly how old I was, but at one point
I ended up like smacking my own father in the
face. That was one hell of a moment. I also remember
flipping the bird off to my mom. All kinds of
nasty behavior. But it was honestly a reflection
of the fact that I just didn't respect them as
human beings, as parents. Not just because they
struggled to put food on the table, but because
I couldn't trust their decision making on anything.
from how they trusted the wrong people and they
would get swindled to cultural norms, which they
were fairly wrong about a lot since they were
immigrants and they were still living, I think,
in their heads in another country in a completely
different context. And I also didn't just trust
their judgment on, I don't know, just about everything,
right? I also felt responsible for their feelings,
which is kind of weird. In my mind, I think,
like, Things like I can't ask them for anything
for my birthday, like no gifts, because the things
I really wanted, I know they can't afford. So
they won't be able to get it for me, first of
all. And then all I would get is a barrage of
guilty feelings on their end. And then now I'd
feel terrible for making them feel guilty, right?
So these are all things that I mean, I don't
know how much of this would have been was true.
Like if these are this is exactly what would
have how would have played out. But I think there
was a lot of experiences in the day to day that
gave me this belief. And I really, you know,
held on to it. It was kind of like a pretty common
narrative in my own head of how things would
play out with them. Right. Like they meant the
best, but they were just. unable they were lacking
in some ways and so you know all i would do is
i was i was just going to cause emotional harm
i also didn't realize it until later on um that
they also lacked emotional intelligence so i
learned early that turning to them made me feel
worse a lot of times much of their responses
to my expressions of any feeling was that it'll
pass, or it's just a phase, it's all temporary,
or that it's hard, but that there's nothing you
can do about it, so learn to deal with it. They
taught me to just try to overcome or to ignore
it. I think a lot of the things that they saw
me, like just genuine expressions of feelings
and trying to explain why I felt that way, I
think we met with their reaction. Like they themselves
just didn't know how to deal with my feeling
these ways. And so a lot of the times their explanations
were just fairly, I'm guessing pretty cookie
cutter for a lot of parents to say like, you
know, oh, I know it feels that way right now.
I know things are hard, but it'll be better or,
you know, things like that. It's all I got. I
ended up using a lot of these coping mechanisms
that, of course. These strategies just only mask
what's happening underneath, I think. And whatever
I was feeling, it didn't go away. It was there.
I just learned not to deal with it. That's really
what the lesson I took from. I'm not trying to
rip on my parents. I just want to paint the full
picture. Like imagine a kid feeling everything
he's feeling and feeling them intensely. I don't
know if it was particular to me, but I did feel
a lot of these feelings fairly intensely. Not
having anywhere to just put those feelings, right?
Like anytime I expressed it physically or through
words, through yelling, through crying, like
those were things that, you know, there was no
real reaction to, right? It was just like, he's
sad, but he'll get over it, right? Like that
was the kind of response. And I didn't really
have friends to turn to. No parents, no... no
adults of any kind that I could trust. So I was
just left sitting with all these feelings alone.
And that's really the point, is that I was left
with these feelings alone. And it's overwhelming.
And that's what made suicide so appealing at
that time. Life was just overwhelming. Like,
having been through it, I imagine that for most
people, suicide isn't something to glorify or
praise. It's not something to seek out. If you've
been through it, like if you've been there in
that place where you're even considering it,
it's really a last resort. It's the option you
turn to when the alternative, which is honestly
just simply living, when that option just felt
too hard. I'm not talking about like, you know,
making ends meet or just completing daily tasks.
Like those felt overwhelming when you're already
in this place. For me, by living, I just meant
being awake. Like that was hard. Like being conscious,
right? Being aware of the world, having thoughts
and feelings, experiencing life in any way. All
of that felt just overwhelming. That became too
painful. And when all that becomes so painful,
you just want everything to stop. You just want
it to stop. And that's what it was. I was yearning.
I was wanting peace. I was wanting silence. I
was wanting an end. I just wanted things to end.
I don't know what it was on the other side of
it. I just wanted everything to stop. I just
wanted life to stop. And these thoughts would
just start taking a life of its own, right? Thoughts
about how to make it happen, strategizing about
how to do it, but also planning for the aftermath
of it all, right? Like I said, I often felt responsible
for my parents' feelings. And I thought maybe
the best way for everyone to deal with my death
would have been for it to look like an accident.
So I even had these thoughts of how could I make
it look like it was an accident? Like, you know.
make it not so obvious that I was trying to get
hit by a car or fall off a cliff or, you know.
I spent many nights considering the possibilities
and sometimes I did it like, I mean, we lived
out in the desert. It gets cold out at night.
We're talking freezing cold. And there were nights
when I remember I would just spend, I would just
get up out of the house. One, two in the morning
when everyone was asleep. It was freezing cold
outside and I would just lay at the park bench
right outside in our apartment complex in the
middle of the night and just lay there. And I
would just hope that I would fall asleep and
in my sleep I would just freeze to death. That
I didn't have to do anything. I would just fall
asleep and that would just be the end. I had
a lot of recurring dreams where I would fall
from a building and it felt liberating, to be
honest, in those dreams. Or dreams of getting
into some head -on collision or getting in a
fire accident of some kind. Houses burning down
and it collapses on me. Those honestly wouldn't
have been bad ways to go. I mean, I sometimes
wanted the physical pain, to be honest. Because
it at least drowned out whatever other kind of
pain I was feeling inside. But I also, you know,
had this weird thing about sharp objects and
fires, right? So I had a lot of thoughts in those
directions about what I might do to myself. Something
quick maybe in a quiet, isolated place. someplace
peaceful, someplace where I could just slowly
just end it. And then at some point my body would
give out, I'd fall asleep and I'd wake up the
next day and I'd find a way to manage to carry
on. The thoughts never went away. It was always
there. The only difference was the degree of
willingness to follow through on them. And the
theme was always the same. When life felt overwhelming,
I turned to those thoughts for, I'm not sure
what, for comfort? For hope? And what's crazy
is that it just wasn't always like that, right?
So for a while, I felt like I had things under
control. And this is especially true when I went
off to college. You know, I went through ups
and downs. It wasn't like life was... Beautiful
and perfect. But I don't know what about college
it was. Maybe it was just the fact that I was
away from home or that I got to get a nice restart
on my life. At least that's what I told myself.
Just ignore my past and then start anew. Whether
it was just physically being in a place with
better weather. physically just being in a different
place and having lots of distractions. I mean,
you know, if you live in the residence halls,
there's always something going on, right? So
it's not that I had emotional support necessarily,
but there was always something there to distract
me. There was always something going on so that
I didn't have to deal with my own head, with
my own thoughts, my own feelings. And graduate
school was more the same. I got to be away from
home. I got to be on my own. And luckily, I was
able to receive decent financial support throughout
my graduate school education. So money wasn't
a huge like stressor. I was also able to teach
SATs at that point over the summers and make
some money that way. So financially, I was fine.
I had a lot of people around me, a lot of events,
a lot of things that could distract me. And I
just needed to focus on school and just, you
know, it was just like. Take it one step at a
time, right? Just finish one program and then
get on to the next, right? So maybe that singular
focus helped me to not have to worry about anything
else. And so life felt manageable. It felt easy
in some ways. But then I got married and life
suddenly got overwhelming again. And it wasn't
marriage. It wasn't really the marriage. It was
honestly the timing of it all. I don't know what
the hell I was thinking, right? But in a six
-month span, I got married, which was already
stressful if you ever had to plan for a wedding.
It causes a lot of stress and arguing and, you
know, man, really tough just planning for the
wedding. I applied for and landed a job at Villanova,
which was great. They required that I finish
my PhD by the time I started the job. So now
I'm stressed out, like trying to finish my PhD,
which, my God, like I went through revision after
revision and none of it felt like it was going
to get me to the end. Like that was painfully
stressful. And then I moved across country where
I knew no one. And it was different this time
because I had someone with me. And so we're planning
a move together. And if you know anything about
me, like. planning things with other people is
not necessarily my forte. I do it sometimes if
I need to, but I don't really enjoy doing it
and it's particularly stressful for me. So juggling
all this at once, right? Saying that it was a
lot is really an understatement. I was super
overwhelmed. I mean, every day. Every day there
was a long to -do list before we moved, during
the move, after the move. There was just a lot.
of things that I was trying to juggle and prepare
for, and I just never felt like there was enough
time in the day. Every day was just a struggle
to just enjoy a moment. Every day was also another
change in routine, something different that I
had to do. I remember, like, before we even left
for Philly, I was already having these suicidal
ideations again. I remember the first, you know...
Right after the wedding, it was already pretty
stressful learning how to be in that kind of
a relationship. And then with all this other
stuff piled up on, I remember there was a moment
when I just was playing with a knife in the dark
room. We're planning the move and we're trying
to figure out how to box things up and we're
doing all these things to prepare. And I had
a night where I just like laid in that room with
all these boxes and stuff that was slowly being
packed up, like just with a knife because I just
felt so overwhelmed. I mean, luckily I didn't
do anything. I fell asleep, woke up in the morning
with this thing next to me. I mean, geez, like
when I say that things can turn really fast for
me, it can turn really fast. It doesn't take
much. I just need to get past a certain point
and then. It's a real -life possibility. And
it didn't seem like anything I did was enough
to make me feel like I was back on solid ground.
Because now I was juggling several different
things that had a lot of meaning to me. And so
as a result, I just constantly felt like I was
failing at everything, right? When I... You know,
when I focus on work and I still have to focus
on work, not just because of the new job, if
it was just teaching in the position and fulfilling
the requirements of the job, that wouldn't have
been so stressful. But, you know, it wasn't a
permanent position. It was a teaching fellowship.
And so I was still applying for more permanent
position, a tenure track job, which meant I was
trying to do research and publish and, you know,
do X, Y and Z. And so. I would spend a lot of
energy on work because I would be so anxious
about work. And then when I did so, my marriage
would suffer. But then when I focused on my marriage,
I felt like my work suffered. When I focused
on settling in and finding a community in Philly,
my introvert self would be exhausted. And I just
never felt like I was in an okay place. No matter
what I did, I just felt like I was dropping the
ball on something, whether it's... for other
people or for myself. I was filled with anxiety
every day, just looking at the responsibility
lists, just hoping for them to just magically
disappear. But they didn't because they don't,
right? I just wanted them to disappear. They're
there when you wake up in the morning. And the
way I coped at the time when it became overwhelming,
it was like, you know, better to just... drink
and numb myself rather than to just end it all.
Because now I had people that I was responsible
for, I felt like. And so as a result, you know,
I thought that maybe this would be better than
just ending it all. So the nights would be filled
with just drinking just to numb myself, just
enough so that I could go to sleep. Then I would
wake up in the morning and I would just go through
the checklist, the things that I got to do. like
a mindless zombie. I dreaded going to work, even
though teaching was and is a passion of mine.
I dreaded going to work. I dreaded going home
because I felt like I was terrible at, you know,
relationships. I dreaded life. I was just falling
apart left and right. I probably wouldn't have
even taken any steps to seek help, to be honest.
It's hard, kind of, if you're still functioning
when you're depressed. Right. It's it's easy
to be in denial that you have a serious problem.
If you could still wake up like, you know, I
study psychology. So, you know, in my mind, I'm
thinking like, well, I'm not like, you know,
just laying in bed, sleeping all day and I'm
still showering daily and I'm still doing X,
Y and Z. So, you know, I'm fine. I still have
some, you know, still feel like I have some control.
And so it actually was the biggest barrier probably
was a mental barrier to just acknowledge that
I could at least use some help. But of course,
finding a therapist is really hard. Finding that
kind of help is just really difficult. To my
surprise at the time, right, it was so hard.
You know, juggling what would and wouldn't be
covered by insurance, finding a therapist that
was actually available. That was surprisingly
hard. It's just such a shortage of mental health
professionals. And on top of that, already being
depressed. And so I was already lacking motivation.
And as I said, like if you're in denial to some
degree, like you're not going to act on, you
know, trying to get help because it doesn't make
sense to if you're actually OK and you can handle
it. Thinking it helped to have a partner who
at least had information about what to look for,
what to ask, followed up with me on how things
might have gone if I was trying out a therapist
and figuring out whether or not it was a good
fit. I mean, she was really helpful for all of
that. And once I found a therapist I was happy
with, I was at least able to let myself feel
something real, right? To cry, to hurt. There's
a lot of things that I just, I told you, like,
I learned to cope with things by just repressing
everything in many ways or distracting myself
until I started feeling a little bit better.
And it worked for me for a while. It helped me
get through life. So I thought it was fine, but
it just didn't work anymore. Right. So, you know,
this was a space for me to actually feel something
real. And it was obvious I had a lot that was
still pent up that it was there that never just.
Because just in talking about my history, my
experiences, there would be days I would come
home after a session and I would just put the
blanket over my head and I would just cry until
I fell asleep. I didn't want anyone around me.
I just, I didn't, you know, it was a good kind
of crying. It was a releasing in a way of all
that I just was holding on to. And so I did feel
to some degree lighter each time that happened.
But in the moment, I remember it took hours for
me to even be functional after some of these
sessions. And it took a while, but things did
improve. In the least, I became more aware of
how sad or angry I've been in my marriage and
life in general. I also started to see the ways
my own anxieties fed this unhealthy approach
to work, this obsession with feeling like I need
to do more that was taking me away from the other
things in my life that mattered. I began to slowly
find myself on at least more solid ground, at
least more than I had been since the move to
Philly. But the truth was that though I improved
some, there was, in retrospect, so much work
left to be done. It was just kind of scratching
the surface, right? And the signs were there.
You know, the signs were there because, like
I said, this way of reacting to situations, the
way of coping was something that I had developed
over decades at that point, right? So when I
had a bad fight with my partner, I would spiral.
I mean, it happened less often than before. My
responses shifted noticeably, but there were
still days and there were still weeks even when
I would just spiral. It happened less, but it
didn't go away. And that's really the theme here.
Things just happen less, just not never necessarily.
When I had anything that could be construed as
a negative feedback at work, man, I would have
this sudden rush of anxiety that just kept me
up some nights. I would just be a workaholic,
like just not necessarily pull all -nighters,
but I would lose sleep because I was trying to
alleviate those feelings of anxiety by doing
something about it. I became obsessed with just
getting things done and help. alleviate something
but a lot of it was probably the anxiety I was
feeling but still I was able to manage and which
was better than before and I found comfort and
consistency in life in you know we built a decent
community in Philly and I was hopeful for I was
at least hopeful for something better as we were
moving forward right we're pretty excited And
I found out and I was super excited that I was
about to have my first kid. So, like I said,
a lot of things to be kind of hopeful for. Then,
again, life became overwhelming. You know, when
I didn't expect it, I came fairly late in spring.
It was actually right around graduation time
at Villanova. And I was called for an interview
at Pasadena City College. And I even flew out
there for the interview, even though I think
they offered to do it virtually. And then, lo
and behold, I landed the job and I had to move
back to California right when I was about to
have my first kid. And so now I'm moving across
the country again, starting a new job again,
and becoming a father for the first time while
dealing... with all that kind of responsibilities
and so on, and emotional baggage that comes with
it. But plus, on top of that, this was a tenure
-track position. So for me, there was a lot at
stake. Like, I really did not want to fuck this
up. Like, this is a once -in -a -lifetime opportunity.
So, you know, it was... Like, I'm trying to kind
of explain that it wasn't just like... A lot
of to -do stuff. There was a lot of emotions
here, right? Like what the job meant to me, what
moving back to California actually meant to me
emotionally. There's just a lot there. Being
close to the family was actually one of the negatives.
There's something nice about being far away from
family. I mean, you probably noticed that from
the theme here of my years in college and graduate
school, that just being away from home was often
helpful just so that I had one less. emotional
burden, at least. And if all that wasn't enough,
like, I start the job, my daughter is born, like,
just really within, like, a couple months of
starting the job, and then she is hospitalized
at two weeks old. It was an infection, a staph
infection, that they couldn't figure out exactly
where it was rooted. Eventually we found out
it was in her bone, in her leg, and so she had
to go into surgery. We were in the hospital.
I was basically living in the hospital for a
good two weeks. I was still commuting to work.
You know, at this time, there wasn't any online
classes I was teaching. All of this was in person.
So, you know, I just started. I didn't have paternity
leave. I had to physically go into work. And
because I just started, there was only a few
days of personal time off I could take. I tried
to schedule it so that I could be away from work
as much as possible, but the reality was I still
had to go in for work. And it was a lot of, I
remember a lot of late nights. You know, you
have late nights just because a kid, an infant,
wakes up every couple hours, but it was also,
man, those nights when under a lamp. two, three
in the morning, just grading papers as quickly
as I can, just to at least do what I can to complete
the basic do. Like I said, it was a tenure track
job. I didn't want to screw up that opportunity.
None of these are excuses, by the way, for how
I handle things. If anything, these events simply
expose what I think was still underneath, that
there wasn't a good foundation for how I dealt
with my depression and anxiety, at least not
a healthy way of dealing with it. Because there
was a tendency that, like I said, the foundation
was a tendency that was laid through over a couple
of decades at that point, like two, three decades.
You know, I did just more of the same, right?
I go into default mode. That's what I do when
things get this hard. I focus on just making
it through the day. I was in survival mode. Just
get what you can done as much as possible. You
can wait till tomorrow to feel anything, right?
Like when all this is done, that's when you can
let yourself reflect and feel. But in the meantime,
you just got to get it done. And right now you
just need to focus on duties, work, logistics.
That's the focus. When my mind is there, you
could imagine what that meant for my relationships
with my partner, with my kid, with family, with
friends. I was constantly checked out. I mean,
I kind of had a sense, but I think probably other
people felt it and experienced it more. I was
like a zombie just going through the motions
of life. I was dead inside, an empty shell of
a person. There was just no life in me. And if
anything got too much at any given moment, all
that I wasn't letting myself feel, it just came
out in a big explosion. It was in a fit of anger
or sense of hopelessness or once again, my old
friend, the suicidal thoughts. I was not a pleasant
person to be around. This is kind of how depression
works, right? Like when you're in a major depressive
episode, like you just drag everyone else down
with you. And it's not that I was always a downer
and that people didn't want to be around me because
I was no fun. Depression for me, and I imagine
it probably is for a lot of other people, it
just comes out in a lot of different ways, right?
I mean, if I was wanting to feel better, but
I can't, and other people around me didn't necessarily
help with that, right? Like if nothing they were
doing helped to make me feel better. I would
snap at them, right? I mean, it's unfair to them.
Like it's not their responsibility for how I
feel, but, you know, because I'm just, I feel
overwhelmed and I just want somebody else to
take off that burden. I'm just, I'm just snapping
at them. Sometimes I, it was because I was dismissive
of help and genuine care and concern from people,
right? Like people might express care, but I
would just kind of brush it off. Partly because
maybe I was feeling hopeless myself at the time,
but other times it was because I just didn't
want to drag other people down with me. I just
felt like if I shared what it is I was really
going through, how I was feeling, I would just
drag the world down with me. So a lot of times,
at least early on, I tried to just keep it to
myself. Pretending like I was okay was pretty
common. As a result, eventually the people that
care about you, they start to actually give up
or to just move away themselves, right? Because
the truth is like my behaviors, my words encourage
them to do so. It's not intentional. It's just
how I am when I'm depressed. Like the way that
I am just makes it hard on the people around
you. And though they try, if I don't eventually
get to a place where I'm responding to them differently,
like they lose energy, they lose motivation to
keep trying. So even the people who probably
cared, I'm sure at some point just felt exhausted.
And, you know, I told you I started going to
therapy, so you'd think I would have learned
my lesson. And maybe I did, at least to some
degree, though, you know, in terms of the way
that I responded, It's just, it was a lot of
like one step forward, two steps back. Like that's
what it often felt like. But the one thing I
did learn was that it, that I needed, that I
was wanting to find a therapist. Again, I needed
some encouragement because, you know, when you're
depressed, like you're just not feeling very
particularly motivated to. seek help like it's
like a weird self -fulfilling um sort of cycle
right where you're depressed so as a result you
just aren't motivated to find help but as a result
of not finding help you stay depressed right
um so i found a therapist the first therapist
i found that i saw for a decent amount of time
was uh helpful to some degree but not really
with feelings it was really with the more intellectual
side of things Kind of getting me to consider
what's going on from a bird's eye view. But also
it was like having a colleague where we're trying
to diagnose me and to figure out what it is that
I might be experiencing. So there's a lot of
random things that he would suggest checking
out as a possibility beyond just simple depression
and anxiety. The one I'm seeing now, though,
I think is a much better fit, a better balance
of what I really needed, which is... Yeah, the
intellectual side of things, like having somebody
who understands me in that respect, I think helps.
But at the end of the day, what I needed to do
was deal with the feelings that I just wasn't
able to let out, at least not in a healthy way.
But I honestly didn't start seeing improvements,
at least for that depressive episode. until I
started also coupling it with some medication.
So for the first time I was taking antidepressants.
I was never opposed, you know, to medication.
I was familiar with it. And so, you know, I was
always open to it as a possibility. And it wasn't
for me like a sign of like shame or anything.
Like it wasn't something to like be like, oh
no, like, you know, I'm on medication. It was
actually, for me, it had more to do with my own
weird obsession with not losing control. I have
this thing about being in control, especially
of my own mind. Like, I have a fear of losing
control of my own mind, right? It scares the
living shit out of me. But even with all this,
like, it's been a struggle. I mean, we're going
on years now. Not days or weeks or months. It's
years. almost a decade, trying to get back on
my feet. Man, and during these depressive episodes,
my health took a beating. I did not sleep well.
I did not exercise regularly. I just didn't care.
And so my body just, man, they just started deteriorating.
So even now I'm feeling the impacts because I'm
trying to finally regain. better physical health,
you know, and that makes a difference. At least
all the research shows improving your physical
self helps your emotional self. I am more aware
of, but still can't stop, intrusive thoughts
of self -harm. I still get them for various different
reasons. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe
some philosopher can help me with it. But I go
through these cycles of existential crises where
I have just this overwhelming sense that life
is completely meaningless and that I should just
end it all. It's not necessarily because I'm
depressed, but life just feels meaningless. And
everything that I have done to distract myself
feels like... a show that i'm putting on or something
and it's not real all of it is fake but right
life really just has no meaning at all um you
know i think in earlier sessions those were some
dark discussions i had with my therapist and
now they become more like oh we're back to this
again right like it's with a little bit more
humor in these sessions now Life has become more
stable from my daughter's health to work to living
situation. I mean, all that stuff helps, of course,
but it's hard not to think, you know, given my
history, I know that I don't know when the next
depressive episode is going to be. I don't know
exactly what's going to trigger it. And I know
that things could turn real fast, especially
when life just constantly seems to be throwing
curveballs at you. You can't control. What you
can't control, and you can't control what life
is going to bring, put on your table at any given
moment. I don't know what you were hoping for
in this story. I don't know what I was hoping
for in this story, to be honest. Maybe we're
just hoping for a happy ending, but this is not
a story of some triumph over depression and anxiety.
It's far from it. The reality, the real truth
is that there are good days. There are bad days.
I've built up a better support system for myself.
I have things I could turn to now and better
habits that I've developed that I know that I'll
be in better position to deal with things in
a healthier way than I had before. The best that
I could honestly hope for in any given day is
just enjoy the good days and manage the bad.
But knowing my history, I know that bad days
can spiral into something very dark very fast.
And for me, tomorrow just is never guaranteed.
Never. So, how am I doing? I guess today I'm
doing okay, so far. But ask me again tomorrow.