WEBVTT 00:00:27.769 --> 00:00:32.420 I forgot exactly when it started, but It caught 00:00:32.420 --> 00:00:36.219 on. In college, some of my friends started calling 00:00:36.219 --> 00:00:39.679 me Aspert, as opposed to, I think what I was 00:00:39.679 --> 00:00:43.159 going by a lot of the time then was Abert instead 00:00:43.159 --> 00:00:47.960 of Albert. I actually don't know why or when 00:00:47.960 --> 00:00:49.820 they started calling me this. I'm not even sure 00:00:49.820 --> 00:00:54.460 if they know themselves anymore, when or why 00:00:54.460 --> 00:00:57.020 or how it started. Maybe it just had a nice ring 00:00:57.020 --> 00:01:01.399 to it, but it did. make me wonder whether I was 00:01:01.399 --> 00:01:04.540 saying or doing something to warrant such a response. 00:01:06.840 --> 00:01:09.519 You know, in some of these moments, like, why 00:01:09.519 --> 00:01:15.500 is this catching on? I definitely remember that 00:01:15.500 --> 00:01:17.280 there are times when I get pretty aggressive 00:01:17.280 --> 00:01:20.659 with my friends. Like pretty damn aggressive. 00:01:21.420 --> 00:01:23.959 One time I was, I remember I was, there was an 00:01:23.959 --> 00:01:26.739 incident where I was helping a friend move some 00:01:26.739 --> 00:01:28.780 heavy object. I forget, it was like a table or 00:01:28.780 --> 00:01:35.879 something or another. And there was a friend, 00:01:36.060 --> 00:01:40.420 another friend, let's call him Spicy Face, decided 00:01:40.420 --> 00:01:44.540 to just watch and comment while we were trying 00:01:44.540 --> 00:01:47.319 to move this heavy object. You know, we were 00:01:47.319 --> 00:01:50.269 struggling with it. But instead of actually bothering 00:01:50.269 --> 00:01:52.390 to help, he was just watching and commenting 00:01:52.390 --> 00:01:56.189 on what we were doing. And it must have hit a 00:01:56.189 --> 00:01:58.189 nerve for me because I just snapped. And I snapped 00:01:58.189 --> 00:02:00.870 pretty viciously. I think I was yelling explicitly. 00:02:00.969 --> 00:02:05.189 I was like just left and right. Like I should 00:02:05.189 --> 00:02:07.790 have been bleeped at that point. Just all the 00:02:07.790 --> 00:02:11.669 things I was saying. So, you know, like I say, 00:02:11.770 --> 00:02:15.629 I do know that I can be pretty harsh with people, 00:02:15.689 --> 00:02:18.389 especially if I'm pissed off. And I'm in that 00:02:18.389 --> 00:02:22.090 mode where I just snap. Another time I snapped 00:02:22.090 --> 00:02:28.169 at a friend. I remember I got free Lyft tickets 00:02:28.169 --> 00:02:35.169 to some place or another. A friend of mine wanted, 00:02:35.370 --> 00:02:38.659 I guess, and then just gave them to me. And so 00:02:38.659 --> 00:02:40.780 I invited some of my friends to go with me and 00:02:40.780 --> 00:02:44.300 we had to take a plane trip there. And so I remember 00:02:44.300 --> 00:02:46.419 telling them like, hey, like just to make sure 00:02:46.419 --> 00:02:49.680 for logistical reasons, let's, you know, I want 00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:51.819 to plan this so that we could all get there around 00:02:51.819 --> 00:02:55.139 the same time. So don't buy plane tickets so 00:02:55.139 --> 00:02:57.580 that we could get on the same plane. It'll make 00:02:57.580 --> 00:03:00.020 it easier for, you know, car rental and other 00:03:00.020 --> 00:03:03.240 things. Right. And so, you know, I explicitly 00:03:03.240 --> 00:03:05.750 told everybody not to. purchase any plane tickets 00:03:05.750 --> 00:03:07.629 and for us to kind of make these sort of arrangements 00:03:07.629 --> 00:03:12.729 when it came closer to that time. But one of 00:03:12.729 --> 00:03:15.289 the friends decided that he'd go ahead and purchase 00:03:15.289 --> 00:03:21.370 his own ticket, which I was upset, to say the 00:03:21.370 --> 00:03:24.750 least. Not simply because, like, not following 00:03:24.750 --> 00:03:26.210 directions, but I thought it was just completely 00:03:26.210 --> 00:03:28.689 inconsiderate of the fact that we're planning 00:03:28.689 --> 00:03:31.550 a group activity, a group event, and then he 00:03:31.550 --> 00:03:33.069 just decided to go ahead and do his own thing 00:03:33.069 --> 00:03:35.150 without... you know, talking it over with the 00:03:35.150 --> 00:03:39.370 rest of us. So instead of acknowledging that 00:03:39.370 --> 00:03:41.289 he did anything that was a problem or an issue, 00:03:41.490 --> 00:03:45.310 he just got defensive and then got upset himself 00:03:45.310 --> 00:03:48.289 and then said he's not going to go anymore. Now, 00:03:48.389 --> 00:03:53.710 that fucking sucked because I had already found 00:03:53.710 --> 00:03:57.370 tickets and reserved them as well as all the 00:03:57.370 --> 00:03:59.430 other reservations that I had to make to make 00:03:59.430 --> 00:04:02.330 sure that we were able to plan this trip well. 00:04:03.939 --> 00:04:05.680 And I don't know if you know anything about plane 00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:07.419 tickets, but if I wanted to replace a plane ticket 00:04:07.419 --> 00:04:09.300 with somebody else, like that costs money, right? 00:04:09.620 --> 00:04:12.819 So then I had to eat that additional cost. And 00:04:12.819 --> 00:04:15.180 luckily I had a friend who was, you know, a good 00:04:15.180 --> 00:04:18.040 friend who was willing to go. He loves going, 00:04:18.259 --> 00:04:21.800 you know, skiing and snowboarding, snowboarding 00:04:21.800 --> 00:04:25.180 especially. So, you know, he was down to go ahead 00:04:25.180 --> 00:04:27.480 and just take up, take that position. So I luckily 00:04:27.480 --> 00:04:31.060 was able to find somebody, but I had to eat the 00:04:31.060 --> 00:04:33.740 cost of finding replacement. And it was. whole 00:04:33.740 --> 00:04:36.639 thing where i had to call the airlines and then 00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:38.519 have all these you know changes arrangements 00:04:38.519 --> 00:04:46.040 made so super upsetting um man i i think i snapped 00:04:46.040 --> 00:04:48.360 pretty hard on him i was pretty pissed i forget 00:04:48.360 --> 00:04:50.540 exactly how i communicated it but you know i 00:04:50.540 --> 00:04:54.300 i do tend to snap it doesn't like i i don't think 00:04:54.300 --> 00:04:59.199 i snap in that way to that degree that was a 00:04:59.199 --> 00:05:01.959 particularly intense snap moment like it's an 00:05:01.959 --> 00:05:05.980 intense outburst on my end um the more likely 00:05:05.980 --> 00:05:08.439 common scenario is this is a friend of mine who 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:11.300 i regularly got upset with and annoyed with when 00:05:11.300 --> 00:05:14.860 uh he would lie about where he was and why he 00:05:14.860 --> 00:05:16.500 wasn't showing up to some sort of planned event 00:05:16.500 --> 00:05:19.540 like a dinner arrangement or something um you 00:05:19.540 --> 00:05:22.389 know i I was to some degree maybe frustrated 00:05:22.389 --> 00:05:25.069 by his being late because, you know, if you're 00:05:25.069 --> 00:05:29.410 like 30, 40, 45, 50, 60 minutes late, that could 00:05:29.410 --> 00:05:31.810 be annoying. But that's actually not what bothered 00:05:31.810 --> 00:05:34.189 me. It was something else that he did that regularly 00:05:34.189 --> 00:05:36.209 that just drove me up the wall, which was he 00:05:36.209 --> 00:05:40.569 lied about what what the ETA, the estimated time 00:05:40.569 --> 00:05:43.610 of arrival was. Right. So instead of acknowledging 00:05:43.610 --> 00:05:45.850 like, oh, man, I'm like 30 minutes away, he would 00:05:45.850 --> 00:05:48.170 say like, I'm five minutes away. And then like. 00:05:48.410 --> 00:05:49.810 20 minutes will pass and be like, where the hell 00:05:49.810 --> 00:05:53.250 are you? He's like, Oh, I'm parking. And then 00:05:53.250 --> 00:05:55.050 it would be another like 30 minutes and be like, 00:05:55.089 --> 00:05:57.110 what is happening? Like, why is it taking so 00:05:57.110 --> 00:05:59.730 long for you to get, you know, to the, to this 00:05:59.730 --> 00:06:01.490 restaurant here? We're about to leave at this 00:06:01.490 --> 00:06:04.670 point. Right. Like, um, and then we'd find out 00:06:04.670 --> 00:06:06.189 that like, he just didn't actually leave and 00:06:06.189 --> 00:06:09.149 leave his home until, you know, like well after 00:06:09.149 --> 00:06:11.509 we had tried to find out where he was. Right. 00:06:12.009 --> 00:06:15.829 Um, so like, it wasn't so much that he was late 00:06:15.829 --> 00:06:17.509 for stuff. It was the fact that it was just, 00:06:17.949 --> 00:06:19.790 the constant lying about it was super frustrating. 00:06:20.449 --> 00:06:22.470 And it's even more frustrating when you're not 00:06:22.470 --> 00:06:24.170 good at the lying, right? Like, at some point, 00:06:24.189 --> 00:06:26.730 people catch on. Like, look, you're full of shit. 00:06:26.790 --> 00:06:28.509 Like, I can't believe anything you say about 00:06:28.509 --> 00:06:31.009 when you're going to show up, you know? Like, 00:06:31.050 --> 00:06:32.089 if you say you're 20 minutes away, I'm going 00:06:32.089 --> 00:06:33.949 to start thinking you're, like, two hours away, 00:06:34.050 --> 00:06:35.350 right? Like, I don't even know if you're going 00:06:35.350 --> 00:06:38.230 to show up at a certain point. So I would rather 00:06:38.230 --> 00:06:39.910 have people just be honest with me about it. 00:06:40.870 --> 00:06:42.810 instead, just so that we could plan accordingly, 00:06:42.970 --> 00:06:44.089 right? Like, if you're not going to show up, 00:06:44.129 --> 00:06:47.089 that's fine, but then at least let us know. Or 00:06:47.089 --> 00:06:49.269 if you're going to be, you know, not 10 minutes 00:06:49.269 --> 00:06:51.670 late, but you're going to be an hour late, let 00:06:51.670 --> 00:06:53.850 the rest of the group know so that we could plan 00:06:53.850 --> 00:06:56.209 accordingly, right? Like, we could start without 00:06:56.209 --> 00:06:58.990 you, or we might, if we move to a different place, 00:06:59.029 --> 00:07:01.149 we could, you know, notify you so that you don't 00:07:01.149 --> 00:07:04.290 go to the previous location we're at. You know, 00:07:04.310 --> 00:07:08.089 whatever it might be, right? So when I think 00:07:08.089 --> 00:07:10.529 back on these moments, like I do know that I 00:07:10.529 --> 00:07:13.649 do have a tendency, not so much now, but I think 00:07:13.649 --> 00:07:17.290 back then I did snap a lot. A lot of that was 00:07:17.290 --> 00:07:19.829 because I often bit my tongue and didn't say 00:07:19.829 --> 00:07:23.129 anything when I was upset. But, you know, when 00:07:23.129 --> 00:07:24.829 I did get upset, then it was just almost like 00:07:24.829 --> 00:07:28.660 a flood of emotions just pouring out. But I also 00:07:28.660 --> 00:07:31.860 know that I make a lot of snide remarks from 00:07:31.860 --> 00:07:34.620 time to time, oftentimes without realizing that 00:07:34.620 --> 00:07:37.180 that's what I'm doing or how it might be received. 00:07:37.319 --> 00:07:42.459 I think I just shoot off the hip and I just don't 00:07:42.459 --> 00:07:44.100 even think about what I'm saying and how it might 00:07:44.100 --> 00:07:47.620 impact other people, which understandably so, 00:07:47.699 --> 00:07:50.100 people might be upset with it and then just think 00:07:50.100 --> 00:07:52.420 like I'm an asshole when I'm popping off like 00:07:52.420 --> 00:07:56.680 that. And whenever I think back to these situations, 00:07:56.759 --> 00:07:59.500 I think I could have responded differently. Maybe 00:07:59.500 --> 00:08:02.079 I didn't have to say it in the way that I said 00:08:02.079 --> 00:08:06.660 it or with the same level of, you know, enthusiasm 00:08:06.660 --> 00:08:11.279 in yelling at them, right? Like, you know, there 00:08:11.279 --> 00:08:14.220 were things that maybe I could have done differently, 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:19.300 I do think. But, you know, in these cases, when 00:08:19.300 --> 00:08:21.610 I think back to it, I was like, that... In my 00:08:21.610 --> 00:08:23.629 mind, anyways, like that doesn't really justify 00:08:23.629 --> 00:08:28.550 my being called an asshole on a regular basis. 00:08:29.649 --> 00:08:32.590 It seems more situational. And then it seems 00:08:32.590 --> 00:08:35.029 like just in those moments, I get pretty pissed 00:08:35.029 --> 00:08:41.649 and then I'll yell and I'll let it out. But in 00:08:41.649 --> 00:08:43.230 all these cases, I actually, to some degree, 00:08:43.289 --> 00:08:45.990 feel completely justified in feeling the way 00:08:45.990 --> 00:08:50.289 that I did. So I think I. I always find myself 00:08:50.289 --> 00:08:52.789 kind of confused if I'm thinking to these types 00:08:52.789 --> 00:08:54.549 of situations as to why somebody might call me 00:08:54.549 --> 00:08:59.730 Aspert. But that would be cherry picking, right? 00:08:59.850 --> 00:09:01.649 Because the truth of the matter is there were 00:09:01.649 --> 00:09:03.990 a lot of other instances where I think it was 00:09:03.990 --> 00:09:06.809 probably more deserved that somebody would call 00:09:06.809 --> 00:09:13.309 me an ass. And unfortunately, I think I wish 00:09:13.309 --> 00:09:17.149 that people would actually tell me straight up. 00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:20.100 I'll come back to this at some point. I wish 00:09:20.100 --> 00:09:23.460 people would tell me why they consider me an 00:09:23.460 --> 00:09:26.340 ass. I think when I hear an explanation, a lot 00:09:26.340 --> 00:09:27.600 of times it might make sense and I'll be like, 00:09:27.659 --> 00:09:31.039 oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. But 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:33.700 there are other times when I just feel like I'm 00:09:33.700 --> 00:09:37.159 in the dark. I'm grasping for a clear explanation. 00:09:37.399 --> 00:09:41.580 But I do know that there are some instances, 00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:43.559 if I were to reflect on other instances, like 00:09:43.559 --> 00:09:47.210 where... I probably wouldn't have been justified 00:09:47.210 --> 00:09:49.590 in my reaction. In fact, if anything, my friends 00:09:49.590 --> 00:09:51.769 should have been justified in being upset with 00:09:51.769 --> 00:09:58.269 me for being a dick. So I have this memory that 00:09:58.269 --> 00:10:02.450 kind of often comes to me. There's a time when 00:10:02.450 --> 00:10:04.549 a friend of mine let me drive his car. I forget 00:10:04.549 --> 00:10:06.809 exactly why or what the reason was. This was 00:10:06.809 --> 00:10:10.090 back in college. He had this low -riding car, 00:10:10.409 --> 00:10:14.659 and he... And let me drive it. I don't know if 00:10:14.659 --> 00:10:16.899 it was because I was needing to drop them off 00:10:16.899 --> 00:10:19.940 and then take the car back to his apartment or 00:10:19.940 --> 00:10:21.659 what. I forget exactly what the reason was. But 00:10:21.659 --> 00:10:26.120 he had me drive his car. And, you know, we were 00:10:26.120 --> 00:10:27.940 at UCLA. And if you know anything about UCLA, 00:10:28.299 --> 00:10:30.940 there's a lot of hills everywhere. And it's a 00:10:30.940 --> 00:10:33.679 low -riding car. So if I were to go up and down 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:35.379 these hills a little too quickly, that could 00:10:35.379 --> 00:10:42.080 really damage the car. But, of course, I... being 00:10:42.080 --> 00:10:46.139 who I was at the time, was pretty reckless in 00:10:46.139 --> 00:10:50.600 my driving. Part of it might have been I wasn't 00:10:50.600 --> 00:10:52.820 used to driving such a low car, but also the 00:10:52.820 --> 00:10:54.960 excitement of driving a different car. Often, 00:10:55.100 --> 00:10:58.480 I like to drive fast. I think there were many 00:10:58.480 --> 00:10:59.700 times in high school where I probably could have 00:10:59.700 --> 00:11:01.200 died from a car accident because I was probably 00:11:01.200 --> 00:11:05.000 driving recklessly. So admittedly, I was driving 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:06.519 faster than I should have and definitely faster 00:11:06.519 --> 00:11:09.200 than I should have given all those hills. And 00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:10.899 we were going downhill. My friend was in the 00:11:10.899 --> 00:11:14.059 car with me. I clearly wasn't considering how 00:11:14.059 --> 00:11:24.720 the car would hit that dip. And, man, he, I remember 00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:27.080 he saw it coming, right? He's like, slow down, 00:11:27.139 --> 00:11:30.139 slow down. And, you know, I'm pretty sure that 00:11:30.139 --> 00:11:33.960 the people around that area all heard it. Because 00:11:33.960 --> 00:11:37.580 I, even though I hit the brakes, it just wasn't 00:11:37.580 --> 00:11:41.070 enough. And I hit that dip hard. And as you would 00:11:41.070 --> 00:11:43.850 expect, that front attachment, the body kit that 00:11:43.850 --> 00:11:46.490 he had on there, I fucked it up and I fucked 00:11:46.490 --> 00:11:50.169 it up real bad. There was no saving it. It just 00:11:50.169 --> 00:11:55.009 snapped. And you could hear and see the people 00:11:55.009 --> 00:11:58.350 in that intersection just look because, you know, 00:11:58.409 --> 00:12:04.450 there was no escaping it, right? God, I screwed 00:12:04.450 --> 00:12:08.570 up. I screwed up real bad. I was being completely 00:12:08.570 --> 00:12:12.149 careless with his car. And, you know, his car, 00:12:12.289 --> 00:12:14.730 I remember it was his baby. Like, he really loved 00:12:14.730 --> 00:12:17.149 it. He had an emotional attachment to that thing. 00:12:18.830 --> 00:12:22.570 And I mean, I remember I offered to pay, but, 00:12:22.570 --> 00:12:27.090 you know, my friend was kind enough to at least 00:12:27.090 --> 00:12:29.049 say it. I don't know how much he meant it, but 00:12:29.049 --> 00:12:30.769 he said that, no, you didn't have to, like, pay 00:12:30.769 --> 00:12:33.769 for the whole thing, which honestly made no sense. 00:12:34.570 --> 00:12:36.409 I don't know why he wouldn't want me to. I think 00:12:36.409 --> 00:12:39.509 he was just being nice. But the key here is I 00:12:39.509 --> 00:12:41.769 wasn't insistent on paying for the whole bill, 00:12:41.850 --> 00:12:43.870 which I probably should have been. I mean, he 00:12:43.870 --> 00:12:46.690 was deserving not only of getting the whole thing 00:12:46.690 --> 00:12:49.789 fixed on my tab, like me picking out the tab 00:12:49.789 --> 00:12:52.190 for getting it fixed, but it was also a lot of 00:12:52.190 --> 00:12:54.809 headache to go ahead and get it fixed, right? 00:12:54.929 --> 00:12:56.649 It was a lot of work for him, a lot of time and 00:12:56.649 --> 00:12:59.549 energy taken out of his life. But of course, 00:12:59.570 --> 00:13:03.540 like at the time, I wasn't really... Thinking 00:13:03.540 --> 00:13:07.419 about, you know, how he was feeling, I don't 00:13:07.419 --> 00:13:09.159 even know if I was sincere when I offered to 00:13:09.159 --> 00:13:11.299 pay for it, right? I was just so concerned about 00:13:11.299 --> 00:13:13.840 my own financial situation instead of taking 00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:15.860 responsibility for fucking up somebody else's 00:13:15.860 --> 00:13:20.519 car. Which honestly reminds me of another incident. 00:13:20.639 --> 00:13:23.440 This is another friend, but my partner, you know, 00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:24.440 right after we got married and we were moving 00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:27.100 to Philadelphia, we were driving across country 00:13:27.100 --> 00:13:30.990 to Philly and I was driving at night. Um, we 00:13:30.990 --> 00:13:34.570 were driving her car there. Um, I sold my car 00:13:34.570 --> 00:13:36.549 and then I was going to buy one when I got there. 00:13:36.929 --> 00:13:40.850 Um, which was, you know, you know, so we just 00:13:40.850 --> 00:13:46.519 drove her car there. Uh, and man. I was driving, 00:13:46.580 --> 00:13:47.860 I think we were driving through South Dakota. 00:13:47.919 --> 00:13:50.980 It was somewhere in that area, I think. And it's 00:13:50.980 --> 00:13:53.360 important because it's dark. There's no street 00:13:53.360 --> 00:13:57.320 lights in these areas. And there's animals that 00:13:57.320 --> 00:13:59.480 cross the street at night. And there were signs, 00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:01.460 you know, like those signs that show deer crossing 00:14:01.460 --> 00:14:02.840 the street, right? Like they had those signs 00:14:02.840 --> 00:14:05.820 everywhere. So it shouldn't have been a surprise 00:14:05.820 --> 00:14:09.919 that the nighttime and then animals being on 00:14:09.919 --> 00:14:12.500 the streets, guess what might very well happen? 00:14:13.289 --> 00:14:15.309 If I'm not being careful, I might hit one of 00:14:15.309 --> 00:14:18.889 these animals, right? And boy, did I hit an animal. 00:14:18.950 --> 00:14:22.750 I don't know what I hit to this day. I just know 00:14:22.750 --> 00:14:26.669 that I hit something, and I hit it hard. It definitely 00:14:26.669 --> 00:14:29.610 wasn't a deer. If it was a deer, the car was 00:14:29.610 --> 00:14:32.649 like a small sedan, so the car would have been 00:14:32.649 --> 00:14:35.330 completely demolished at that point if it was 00:14:35.330 --> 00:14:36.690 something as big as a deer. So it must have been 00:14:36.690 --> 00:14:38.629 something smaller, maybe a raccoon or something. 00:14:38.710 --> 00:14:42.549 I don't know. I was going fast enough and that 00:14:42.549 --> 00:14:45.350 thing was large enough that the front bumper 00:14:45.350 --> 00:14:48.389 was severely damaged. It was hanging by a thread 00:14:48.389 --> 00:14:51.649 like it was like dragging. Right. And my reaction 00:14:51.649 --> 00:14:53.970 was, damn it, like fucking shit. This sucks. 00:14:54.049 --> 00:14:56.509 Like, I hope the car still runs fine. We can 00:14:56.509 --> 00:14:58.230 make it at least to Pennsylvania before we have 00:14:58.230 --> 00:15:00.590 to get it fixed. Right. That was my concern. 00:15:02.110 --> 00:15:05.730 That was my concern. I was so focused on like. 00:15:06.220 --> 00:15:09.360 fuck this sucks and then so i immediately immediately 00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:13.080 went to like what can i do to just have it patched 00:15:13.080 --> 00:15:14.899 enough so that we could just make it the rest 00:15:14.899 --> 00:15:20.480 of the way um there was no apology on my end 00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:22.500 no acknowledgement that i was driving somebody 00:15:22.500 --> 00:15:26.399 else's car and that it was under my care i was 00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:28.460 the one driving it i was the one entrusted to 00:15:29.149 --> 00:15:32.289 take care of it. No concern for how the person 00:15:32.289 --> 00:15:34.590 next to me, the person that I recently married, 00:15:34.730 --> 00:15:38.049 you know, how, you know, how she was doing emotionally 00:15:38.049 --> 00:15:42.149 or physically. I was just so focused on the shitty 00:15:42.149 --> 00:15:49.710 situation of the car being damaged. in both cases 00:15:49.710 --> 00:15:54.789 i was an ass in two respects now again like i'm 00:15:54.789 --> 00:15:56.909 look i don't know if this is why other people 00:15:56.909 --> 00:16:00.070 call me asper but i do know at least just one 00:16:00.070 --> 00:16:02.230 reflection like i would call myself an asshole 00:16:02.230 --> 00:16:05.330 in these cases for two for two reasons right 00:16:05.330 --> 00:16:08.230 one i was being irresponsible with someone else's 00:16:08.230 --> 00:16:10.730 stuff i didn't give any consideration to the 00:16:10.730 --> 00:16:13.250 fact that a friend had trusted me with something 00:16:13.250 --> 00:16:16.409 of theirs And instead of caring for it with the 00:16:16.409 --> 00:16:18.230 full knowledge that this stuff, maybe it had 00:16:18.230 --> 00:16:20.350 no meaning for me, but it definitely had meaning 00:16:20.350 --> 00:16:23.070 for them. In both cases, the car actually meant 00:16:23.070 --> 00:16:25.149 something to them. It was something that they 00:16:25.149 --> 00:16:27.309 had purchased with their own money. They cared 00:16:27.309 --> 00:16:29.529 for it. They have a history with it. They've 00:16:29.529 --> 00:16:31.029 developed a certain kind of attachment to it. 00:16:31.929 --> 00:16:35.769 But I was careless with it. But more importantly, 00:16:35.929 --> 00:16:39.740 once I did fuck up, That was the second way I 00:16:39.740 --> 00:16:41.820 was being an ass. I didn't acknowledge my friends 00:16:41.820 --> 00:16:44.360 at all in the process of addressing the way that 00:16:44.360 --> 00:16:50.419 I broke that trust. I didn't do anything to try 00:16:50.419 --> 00:16:53.659 to repair the relationship as much as I could. 00:16:54.299 --> 00:16:57.860 It makes you wonder, do I even really care about 00:16:57.860 --> 00:17:00.820 them at all? I imagine they might have felt this 00:17:00.820 --> 00:17:07.349 way. Do I even care about them? you know, or 00:17:07.349 --> 00:17:09.069 else would have showed up in my actions. Like 00:17:09.069 --> 00:17:11.450 maybe if I actually did care, then it would have 00:17:11.450 --> 00:17:14.430 shown up in the way that I offered or insisted 00:17:14.430 --> 00:17:17.329 on paying for the damages or, you know, going 00:17:17.329 --> 00:17:19.430 above and beyond to try to regain their trust. 00:17:20.130 --> 00:17:21.809 I mean, the fact that I didn't even apologize 00:17:21.809 --> 00:17:25.970 as like the first response in any of these cases, 00:17:26.009 --> 00:17:28.549 like that's kind of telling, I feel like, right? 00:17:29.450 --> 00:17:31.349 Maybe I could have been more concerned about 00:17:31.349 --> 00:17:34.069 how they're feeling. Even if they said they're 00:17:34.069 --> 00:17:37.589 fine, like, you know, at least making an effort 00:17:37.589 --> 00:17:40.730 to try to get to the heart of how they felt about 00:17:40.730 --> 00:17:44.529 what I did and maybe trying to repair the way 00:17:44.529 --> 00:17:46.450 that I broke the relationship in that way, right? 00:17:47.009 --> 00:17:49.130 But I didn't do any of that. I just stood there 00:17:49.130 --> 00:17:51.450 like an idiot and just thought of how I can get 00:17:51.450 --> 00:17:53.490 out of it without being too much of a burden 00:17:53.490 --> 00:17:56.630 on me. And it's not just car accidents, right? 00:17:56.730 --> 00:17:59.730 That's not the only situation. I mean, I've done 00:17:59.730 --> 00:18:03.390 things where... Whether it was an accident, whether 00:18:03.390 --> 00:18:05.369 it was intentional or not, there were times when 00:18:05.369 --> 00:18:10.849 I've disclosed information that my friends have 00:18:10.849 --> 00:18:14.809 shared with me in confidence, and I broke that 00:18:14.809 --> 00:18:19.170 trust. I've lied to friends from time to time 00:18:19.170 --> 00:18:22.170 over little things, but sometimes it's over things 00:18:22.170 --> 00:18:24.690 that actually really probably mattered, like 00:18:24.690 --> 00:18:28.390 if I were missing some important event of theirs. 00:18:29.559 --> 00:18:33.700 um if i had forgotten an important you know day 00:18:33.700 --> 00:18:39.500 a meaningful day for them right um and i could 00:18:39.500 --> 00:18:41.700 try to justify all my actions and make excuses 00:18:41.700 --> 00:18:45.079 for them try to say like look in the kind of 00:18:45.079 --> 00:18:47.579 moment i was in like it makes sense why i would 00:18:47.579 --> 00:18:50.500 be so focused on these other things and yada 00:18:50.500 --> 00:18:52.819 yada yada like i can make all kinds of excuses 00:18:52.819 --> 00:18:55.380 but the truth is that these are times that i 00:18:55.380 --> 00:18:59.180 thought of my own situation over considering 00:18:59.180 --> 00:19:01.460 considering their feelings or considering what 00:19:01.460 --> 00:19:08.039 they're going through right um which is not honestly 00:19:08.039 --> 00:19:10.599 that's not what i i believe that's not what a 00:19:10.599 --> 00:19:13.839 good friend looks like right which brings us 00:19:13.839 --> 00:19:16.660 back to asperg you know when i reflect on it 00:19:16.660 --> 00:19:22.460 now i i think i'm more taken aback by my reaction 00:19:22.460 --> 00:19:27.220 to people having called me asperg rather than 00:19:28.529 --> 00:19:31.230 more than anything else, right? It's the fact 00:19:31.230 --> 00:19:34.410 that I got annoyed and upset by their calling 00:19:34.410 --> 00:19:37.730 me that, sometimes denying that that's who I 00:19:37.730 --> 00:19:40.890 was, right? I was just so like tied up in some, 00:19:40.950 --> 00:19:43.730 I don't know what it was, like maybe a need to 00:19:43.730 --> 00:19:46.730 identify myself as a good friend or something, 00:19:46.849 --> 00:19:49.930 somebody who's loyal and trustworthy, right? 00:19:50.029 --> 00:19:53.089 Nobody likes to look at themselves and, you know, 00:19:53.089 --> 00:19:55.990 look at their own flaws and ways in which they 00:19:55.990 --> 00:19:59.490 fall short, right? You know, I, like anybody 00:19:59.490 --> 00:20:02.950 else, didn't want to believe anything terrible 00:20:02.950 --> 00:20:05.470 about myself in that way, right? I never actually 00:20:05.470 --> 00:20:09.329 bothered to reflect on who I was as a friend 00:20:09.329 --> 00:20:13.109 because I was so hung up on trying to say like, 00:20:13.230 --> 00:20:16.410 hey, no, I'm actually a good friend, right? I 00:20:16.410 --> 00:20:18.210 never bothered to think like, look, what kind 00:20:18.210 --> 00:20:21.049 of a friend am I? How am I actually conducting 00:20:21.049 --> 00:20:23.029 myself in my friendships? What does it actually 00:20:23.029 --> 00:20:25.549 look like to be a good friend? What does it actually 00:20:25.549 --> 00:20:29.089 look like to care for somebody deeply, somebody 00:20:29.089 --> 00:20:32.630 that's more than just an acquaintance? I never 00:20:32.630 --> 00:20:37.349 really reflected on any of this. And the most 00:20:37.349 --> 00:20:41.269 basic question, I never actually spent much time 00:20:41.269 --> 00:20:42.930 of it at all, kind of reflecting on whether or 00:20:42.930 --> 00:20:45.690 not I even cared about anyone else. If maybe 00:20:45.690 --> 00:20:48.640 I was just constantly thinking about... myself 00:20:48.640 --> 00:20:54.079 in my own situation. I now wonder whether I was 00:20:54.079 --> 00:20:57.059 so busy being defensive that I never bothered 00:20:57.059 --> 00:21:00.779 to consider exactly what they were seeing or 00:21:00.779 --> 00:21:02.839 experiencing from me and to open up dialogue 00:21:02.839 --> 00:21:05.839 about it. The truth is that sometimes they were 00:21:05.839 --> 00:21:09.180 right, like I was out of line. But sometimes 00:21:09.180 --> 00:21:12.420 they were not, right? I mean, I gave you examples 00:21:12.420 --> 00:21:15.140 of cases where it was some of both, right? Sometimes 00:21:15.140 --> 00:21:18.440 I felt like, you know, My friends were probably 00:21:18.440 --> 00:21:21.240 in the right, and then sometimes they weren't. 00:21:22.059 --> 00:21:24.980 And that's just how humans are, right? I'm that 00:21:24.980 --> 00:21:27.180 way a lot of times, right? So I'm sometimes right 00:21:27.180 --> 00:21:30.599 and sometimes I'm not. But the truth is that, 00:21:30.740 --> 00:21:34.579 you know, in order to get to the bottom of it, 00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:37.160 you need to actually have an open dialogue. You 00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:40.680 need to, you know, not make assumptions or accusations, 00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:43.200 whether in your own head or out loud about the 00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:45.380 other person. Like, you need to... actually have 00:21:45.380 --> 00:21:48.119 a conversation about what happened and, you know, 00:21:48.119 --> 00:21:51.599 how each side was perceiving it. I never had 00:21:51.599 --> 00:21:54.940 these conversations, really. I mean, I might 00:21:54.940 --> 00:21:56.819 have had them time to time, but it was rare. 00:21:57.539 --> 00:22:00.279 It's so rare that I just honestly just paint 00:22:00.279 --> 00:22:02.099 a broad brush and say, like, I just never had 00:22:02.099 --> 00:22:04.579 these conversations, right? Where we're actually 00:22:04.579 --> 00:22:06.259 honest about our feelings, how we felt about 00:22:06.259 --> 00:22:08.220 each other and what the other person had done 00:22:08.220 --> 00:22:16.559 for or to us. I could understand why, right? 00:22:17.819 --> 00:22:21.500 You know, I didn't pursue having these conversations. 00:22:21.720 --> 00:22:24.799 I didn't go around like proactively asking to 00:22:24.799 --> 00:22:27.380 find out how they were feeling or whether they 00:22:27.380 --> 00:22:29.539 were mad at me or upset with me. I tried to avoid, 00:22:29.640 --> 00:22:32.420 I was conflict avoiding like shit, like damn, 00:22:32.539 --> 00:22:33.839 like I didn't want to have those conversations, 00:22:34.059 --> 00:22:38.059 right? And I imagine, you know, knowing what 00:22:38.059 --> 00:22:41.759 I know now about myself, I imagine it would have 00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:44.559 been difficult for a lot of people to have, want 00:22:44.559 --> 00:22:46.740 to have that conversation with me, right? A lot 00:22:46.740 --> 00:22:49.279 of times I could have, you know, I know less 00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:51.720 so now, but I do know that in the past, I mean, 00:22:51.740 --> 00:22:55.140 I was extremely either defensive or just completely 00:22:55.140 --> 00:22:57.720 dense where even if you try to have a conversation 00:22:57.720 --> 00:22:59.819 with me, I might not get it. I might not understand 00:22:59.819 --> 00:23:02.420 these, all these feelings stuff, right? I don't 00:23:02.420 --> 00:23:04.809 really. I didn't really understand, right? I 00:23:04.809 --> 00:23:06.869 didn't understand where these feelings would 00:23:06.869 --> 00:23:09.230 be coming from or why somebody would feel the 00:23:09.230 --> 00:23:11.329 way that they did, right? So I imagine it would 00:23:11.329 --> 00:23:13.569 have been difficult to even have those conversations 00:23:13.569 --> 00:23:16.109 with me, which makes sense why people would just 00:23:16.109 --> 00:23:18.329 avoid having those conversations. You don't want 00:23:18.329 --> 00:23:19.990 to have a conversation with somebody, a difficult 00:23:19.990 --> 00:23:22.170 one at that, if you don't feel like the other 00:23:22.170 --> 00:23:24.210 person is actually going to be receptive in any 00:23:24.210 --> 00:23:29.049 way, right? So knowing myself and kind of reflecting 00:23:29.049 --> 00:23:33.170 on how I was through the years, It actually makes 00:23:33.170 --> 00:23:34.730 a lot of sense why people wouldn't want to bring 00:23:34.730 --> 00:23:39.990 up things with me. So to be honest, I don't know 00:23:39.990 --> 00:23:42.789 if I'm deserving of the nickname Aspert. I haven't 00:23:42.789 --> 00:23:45.789 really heard that term much lately. I don't know 00:23:45.789 --> 00:23:48.549 if that's a sign of everybody kind of aging out 00:23:48.549 --> 00:23:52.890 of it. But frankly, whether or not people call 00:23:52.890 --> 00:23:56.029 me an ass, I could care less. I really could 00:23:56.029 --> 00:23:59.230 care less. Because what I do know is that getting 00:23:59.230 --> 00:24:02.640 worked up over the label... actually took away 00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:06.480 from my being able to really develop meaningful 00:24:06.480 --> 00:24:11.259 friendships. Because meaningful friendships means 00:24:11.259 --> 00:24:15.259 that sometimes we end up doing shitty things 00:24:15.259 --> 00:24:18.059 to one another. And I feel like what makes the 00:24:18.059 --> 00:24:21.980 friendship worthwhile is that you work through 00:24:21.980 --> 00:24:24.640 it. I mean, work through it in a real way, right? 00:24:24.700 --> 00:24:26.599 Where you actually have an open conversation 00:24:26.599 --> 00:24:30.299 about it instead of shying away from... showing 00:24:30.299 --> 00:24:33.740 your true self showing how you really feel right 00:24:33.740 --> 00:24:40.599 um and so like focusing on the label and getting 00:24:40.599 --> 00:24:44.039 worked up over it wondering why i'm an ass or 00:24:44.039 --> 00:24:47.400 not like you know maybe there's they're like 00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:49.700 a nice reflective exercise to do on my own but 00:24:49.700 --> 00:24:51.740 at the end of the day like i think one of the 00:24:51.740 --> 00:24:53.660 things that have shifted for me is i just stopped 00:24:53.660 --> 00:24:56.519 caring you could call me whatever you want to 00:24:56.519 --> 00:25:00.440 what i care more about now is you know, why you're 00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:04.500 feeling the way that you do. And how, you know, 00:25:04.519 --> 00:25:07.500 you were impacted by something I did. And if 00:25:07.500 --> 00:25:10.720 there are ways to repair the relationship. Now, 00:25:10.779 --> 00:25:13.140 I'm not, I'll admit, I'm not perfect at it. I'm 00:25:13.140 --> 00:25:16.460 still a work in progress for sure. And I do know 00:25:16.460 --> 00:25:20.660 that when I am short on energy, especially when 00:25:20.660 --> 00:25:23.440 I'm tired, I experience this a lot with my daughter 00:25:23.440 --> 00:25:27.819 now. When I'm tired, I have a lot smaller capacity. 00:25:28.890 --> 00:25:31.089 to have these sorts of conversations, right? 00:25:31.190 --> 00:25:33.809 So, you know, I know there's still work left 00:25:33.809 --> 00:25:36.130 to be done and to, you know, try to put myself 00:25:36.130 --> 00:25:40.349 in situations where I can be much better responsibly, 00:25:40.410 --> 00:25:44.930 you know, much better at responding to, you know, 00:25:44.930 --> 00:25:49.509 friends in this way. But maybe if I had focused 00:25:49.509 --> 00:25:51.990 my energy here, then I would be experiencing 00:25:51.990 --> 00:25:53.890 deeper friendships now. I don't know. Who knows? 00:25:55.170 --> 00:26:00.380 What I do know is that... At least for me, you 00:26:00.380 --> 00:26:05.619 know, the fact that this nickname has stuck and 00:26:05.619 --> 00:26:08.880 impacted me in the way that it did, I think was 00:26:08.880 --> 00:26:12.019 very revealing for me about where I was really 00:26:12.019 --> 00:26:14.759 spending my energy. Was it on the friendship 00:26:14.759 --> 00:26:18.559 or was it on how I wanted to be perceived or 00:26:18.559 --> 00:26:24.319 how I wanted to perceive myself? And, you know, 00:26:24.319 --> 00:26:27.309 there's something liberating about. Not being 00:26:27.309 --> 00:26:30.369 impacted by whatever labels are thrown your way. 00:26:31.009 --> 00:26:34.650 And just focusing on the deeper thing that really 00:26:34.650 --> 00:26:37.650 matters. And sometimes it's kind of hard to get 00:26:37.650 --> 00:26:45.670 there because, well, these labels can hurt. It 00:26:45.670 --> 00:26:49.609 can make you react. It can make you get defensive. 00:26:51.869 --> 00:26:55.180 But... You know, to the friends out there, like 00:26:55.180 --> 00:26:59.680 I really regret in a lot of ways that I wasn't 00:26:59.680 --> 00:27:03.940 able to be in that space to develop something 00:27:03.940 --> 00:27:06.980 much more meaningful back then. And I hope that, 00:27:06.980 --> 00:27:10.119 you know, if we have the opportunity that we 00:27:10.119 --> 00:27:14.940 get to do so now. As much of a work in progress, 00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.450 I am still at this moment. I feel like I could 00:27:19.450 --> 00:27:22.170 do a better job than I did before. And that at 00:27:22.170 --> 00:27:23.170 least gives me some hope.