I forgot exactly when it started, but It caught
on. In college, some of my friends started calling
me Aspert, as opposed to, I think what I was
going by a lot of the time then was Abert instead
of Albert. I actually don't know why or when
they started calling me this. I'm not even sure
if they know themselves anymore, when or why
or how it started. Maybe it just had a nice ring
to it, but it did. make me wonder whether I was
saying or doing something to warrant such a response.
You know, in some of these moments, like, why
is this catching on? I definitely remember that
there are times when I get pretty aggressive
with my friends. Like pretty damn aggressive.
One time I was, I remember I was, there was an
incident where I was helping a friend move some
heavy object. I forget, it was like a table or
something or another. And there was a friend,
another friend, let's call him Spicy Face, decided
to just watch and comment while we were trying
to move this heavy object. You know, we were
struggling with it. But instead of actually bothering
to help, he was just watching and commenting
on what we were doing. And it must have hit a
nerve for me because I just snapped. And I snapped
pretty viciously. I think I was yelling explicitly.
I was like just left and right. Like I should
have been bleeped at that point. Just all the
things I was saying. So, you know, like I say,
I do know that I can be pretty harsh with people,
especially if I'm pissed off. And I'm in that
mode where I just snap. Another time I snapped
at a friend. I remember I got free Lyft tickets
to some place or another. A friend of mine wanted,
I guess, and then just gave them to me. And so
I invited some of my friends to go with me and
we had to take a plane trip there. And so I remember
telling them like, hey, like just to make sure
for logistical reasons, let's, you know, I want
to plan this so that we could all get there around
the same time. So don't buy plane tickets so
that we could get on the same plane. It'll make
it easier for, you know, car rental and other
things. Right. And so, you know, I explicitly
told everybody not to. purchase any plane tickets
and for us to kind of make these sort of arrangements
when it came closer to that time. But one of
the friends decided that he'd go ahead and purchase
his own ticket, which I was upset, to say the
least. Not simply because, like, not following
directions, but I thought it was just completely
inconsiderate of the fact that we're planning
a group activity, a group event, and then he
just decided to go ahead and do his own thing
without... you know, talking it over with the
rest of us. So instead of acknowledging that
he did anything that was a problem or an issue,
he just got defensive and then got upset himself
and then said he's not going to go anymore. Now,
that fucking sucked because I had already found
tickets and reserved them as well as all the
other reservations that I had to make to make
sure that we were able to plan this trip well.
And I don't know if you know anything about plane
tickets, but if I wanted to replace a plane ticket
with somebody else, like that costs money, right?
So then I had to eat that additional cost. And
luckily I had a friend who was, you know, a good
friend who was willing to go. He loves going,
you know, skiing and snowboarding, snowboarding
especially. So, you know, he was down to go ahead
and just take up, take that position. So I luckily
was able to find somebody, but I had to eat the
cost of finding replacement. And it was. whole
thing where i had to call the airlines and then
have all these you know changes arrangements
made so super upsetting um man i i think i snapped
pretty hard on him i was pretty pissed i forget
exactly how i communicated it but you know i
i do tend to snap it doesn't like i i don't think
i snap in that way to that degree that was a
particularly intense snap moment like it's an
intense outburst on my end um the more likely
common scenario is this is a friend of mine who
i regularly got upset with and annoyed with when
uh he would lie about where he was and why he
wasn't showing up to some sort of planned event
like a dinner arrangement or something um you
know i I was to some degree maybe frustrated
by his being late because, you know, if you're
like 30, 40, 45, 50, 60 minutes late, that could
be annoying. But that's actually not what bothered
me. It was something else that he did that regularly
that just drove me up the wall, which was he
lied about what what the ETA, the estimated time
of arrival was. Right. So instead of acknowledging
like, oh, man, I'm like 30 minutes away, he would
say like, I'm five minutes away. And then like.
20 minutes will pass and be like, where the hell
are you? He's like, Oh, I'm parking. And then
it would be another like 30 minutes and be like,
what is happening? Like, why is it taking so
long for you to get, you know, to the, to this
restaurant here? We're about to leave at this
point. Right. Like, um, and then we'd find out
that like, he just didn't actually leave and
leave his home until, you know, like well after
we had tried to find out where he was. Right.
Um, so like, it wasn't so much that he was late
for stuff. It was the fact that it was just,
the constant lying about it was super frustrating.
And it's even more frustrating when you're not
good at the lying, right? Like, at some point,
people catch on. Like, look, you're full of shit.
Like, I can't believe anything you say about
when you're going to show up, you know? Like,
if you say you're 20 minutes away, I'm going
to start thinking you're, like, two hours away,
right? Like, I don't even know if you're going
to show up at a certain point. So I would rather
have people just be honest with me about it.
instead, just so that we could plan accordingly,
right? Like, if you're not going to show up,
that's fine, but then at least let us know. Or
if you're going to be, you know, not 10 minutes
late, but you're going to be an hour late, let
the rest of the group know so that we could plan
accordingly, right? Like, we could start without
you, or we might, if we move to a different place,
we could, you know, notify you so that you don't
go to the previous location we're at. You know,
whatever it might be, right? So when I think
back on these moments, like I do know that I
do have a tendency, not so much now, but I think
back then I did snap a lot. A lot of that was
because I often bit my tongue and didn't say
anything when I was upset. But, you know, when
I did get upset, then it was just almost like
a flood of emotions just pouring out. But I also
know that I make a lot of snide remarks from
time to time, oftentimes without realizing that
that's what I'm doing or how it might be received.
I think I just shoot off the hip and I just don't
even think about what I'm saying and how it might
impact other people, which understandably so,
people might be upset with it and then just think
like I'm an asshole when I'm popping off like
that. And whenever I think back to these situations,
I think I could have responded differently. Maybe
I didn't have to say it in the way that I said
it or with the same level of, you know, enthusiasm
in yelling at them, right? Like, you know, there
were things that maybe I could have done differently,
I do think. But, you know, in these cases, when
I think back to it, I was like, that... In my
mind, anyways, like that doesn't really justify
my being called an asshole on a regular basis.
It seems more situational. And then it seems
like just in those moments, I get pretty pissed
and then I'll yell and I'll let it out. But in
all these cases, I actually, to some degree,
feel completely justified in feeling the way
that I did. So I think I. I always find myself
kind of confused if I'm thinking to these types
of situations as to why somebody might call me
Aspert. But that would be cherry picking, right?
Because the truth of the matter is there were
a lot of other instances where I think it was
probably more deserved that somebody would call
me an ass. And unfortunately, I think I wish
that people would actually tell me straight up.
I'll come back to this at some point. I wish
people would tell me why they consider me an
ass. I think when I hear an explanation, a lot
of times it might make sense and I'll be like,
oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. But
there are other times when I just feel like I'm
in the dark. I'm grasping for a clear explanation.
But I do know that there are some instances,
if I were to reflect on other instances, like
where... I probably wouldn't have been justified
in my reaction. In fact, if anything, my friends
should have been justified in being upset with
me for being a dick. So I have this memory that
kind of often comes to me. There's a time when
a friend of mine let me drive his car. I forget
exactly why or what the reason was. This was
back in college. He had this low -riding car,
and he... And let me drive it. I don't know if
it was because I was needing to drop them off
and then take the car back to his apartment or
what. I forget exactly what the reason was. But
he had me drive his car. And, you know, we were
at UCLA. And if you know anything about UCLA,
there's a lot of hills everywhere. And it's a
low -riding car. So if I were to go up and down
these hills a little too quickly, that could
really damage the car. But, of course, I... being
who I was at the time, was pretty reckless in
my driving. Part of it might have been I wasn't
used to driving such a low car, but also the
excitement of driving a different car. Often,
I like to drive fast. I think there were many
times in high school where I probably could have
died from a car accident because I was probably
driving recklessly. So admittedly, I was driving
faster than I should have and definitely faster
than I should have given all those hills. And
we were going downhill. My friend was in the
car with me. I clearly wasn't considering how
the car would hit that dip. And, man, he, I remember
he saw it coming, right? He's like, slow down,
slow down. And, you know, I'm pretty sure that
the people around that area all heard it. Because
I, even though I hit the brakes, it just wasn't
enough. And I hit that dip hard. And as you would
expect, that front attachment, the body kit that
he had on there, I fucked it up and I fucked
it up real bad. There was no saving it. It just
snapped. And you could hear and see the people
in that intersection just look because, you know,
there was no escaping it, right? God, I screwed
up. I screwed up real bad. I was being completely
careless with his car. And, you know, his car,
I remember it was his baby. Like, he really loved
it. He had an emotional attachment to that thing.
And I mean, I remember I offered to pay, but,
you know, my friend was kind enough to at least
say it. I don't know how much he meant it, but
he said that, no, you didn't have to, like, pay
for the whole thing, which honestly made no sense.
I don't know why he wouldn't want me to. I think
he was just being nice. But the key here is I
wasn't insistent on paying for the whole bill,
which I probably should have been. I mean, he
was deserving not only of getting the whole thing
fixed on my tab, like me picking out the tab
for getting it fixed, but it was also a lot of
headache to go ahead and get it fixed, right?
It was a lot of work for him, a lot of time and
energy taken out of his life. But of course,
like at the time, I wasn't really... Thinking
about, you know, how he was feeling, I don't
even know if I was sincere when I offered to
pay for it, right? I was just so concerned about
my own financial situation instead of taking
responsibility for fucking up somebody else's
car. Which honestly reminds me of another incident.
This is another friend, but my partner, you know,
right after we got married and we were moving
to Philadelphia, we were driving across country
to Philly and I was driving at night. Um, we
were driving her car there. Um, I sold my car
and then I was going to buy one when I got there.
Um, which was, you know, you know, so we just
drove her car there. Uh, and man. I was driving,
I think we were driving through South Dakota.
It was somewhere in that area, I think. And it's
important because it's dark. There's no street
lights in these areas. And there's animals that
cross the street at night. And there were signs,
you know, like those signs that show deer crossing
the street, right? Like they had those signs
everywhere. So it shouldn't have been a surprise
that the nighttime and then animals being on
the streets, guess what might very well happen?
If I'm not being careful, I might hit one of
these animals, right? And boy, did I hit an animal.
I don't know what I hit to this day. I just know
that I hit something, and I hit it hard. It definitely
wasn't a deer. If it was a deer, the car was
like a small sedan, so the car would have been
completely demolished at that point if it was
something as big as a deer. So it must have been
something smaller, maybe a raccoon or something.
I don't know. I was going fast enough and that
thing was large enough that the front bumper
was severely damaged. It was hanging by a thread
like it was like dragging. Right. And my reaction
was, damn it, like fucking shit. This sucks.
Like, I hope the car still runs fine. We can
make it at least to Pennsylvania before we have
to get it fixed. Right. That was my concern.
That was my concern. I was so focused on like.
fuck this sucks and then so i immediately immediately
went to like what can i do to just have it patched
enough so that we could just make it the rest
of the way um there was no apology on my end
no acknowledgement that i was driving somebody
else's car and that it was under my care i was
the one driving it i was the one entrusted to
take care of it. No concern for how the person
next to me, the person that I recently married,
you know, how, you know, how she was doing emotionally
or physically. I was just so focused on the shitty
situation of the car being damaged. in both cases
i was an ass in two respects now again like i'm
look i don't know if this is why other people
call me asper but i do know at least just one
reflection like i would call myself an asshole
in these cases for two for two reasons right
one i was being irresponsible with someone else's
stuff i didn't give any consideration to the
fact that a friend had trusted me with something
of theirs And instead of caring for it with the
full knowledge that this stuff, maybe it had
no meaning for me, but it definitely had meaning
for them. In both cases, the car actually meant
something to them. It was something that they
had purchased with their own money. They cared
for it. They have a history with it. They've
developed a certain kind of attachment to it.
But I was careless with it. But more importantly,
once I did fuck up, That was the second way I
was being an ass. I didn't acknowledge my friends
at all in the process of addressing the way that
I broke that trust. I didn't do anything to try
to repair the relationship as much as I could.
It makes you wonder, do I even really care about
them at all? I imagine they might have felt this
way. Do I even care about them? you know, or
else would have showed up in my actions. Like
maybe if I actually did care, then it would have
shown up in the way that I offered or insisted
on paying for the damages or, you know, going
above and beyond to try to regain their trust.
I mean, the fact that I didn't even apologize
as like the first response in any of these cases,
like that's kind of telling, I feel like, right?
Maybe I could have been more concerned about
how they're feeling. Even if they said they're
fine, like, you know, at least making an effort
to try to get to the heart of how they felt about
what I did and maybe trying to repair the way
that I broke the relationship in that way, right?
But I didn't do any of that. I just stood there
like an idiot and just thought of how I can get
out of it without being too much of a burden
on me. And it's not just car accidents, right?
That's not the only situation. I mean, I've done
things where... Whether it was an accident, whether
it was intentional or not, there were times when
I've disclosed information that my friends have
shared with me in confidence, and I broke that
trust. I've lied to friends from time to time
over little things, but sometimes it's over things
that actually really probably mattered, like
if I were missing some important event of theirs.
um if i had forgotten an important you know day
a meaningful day for them right um and i could
try to justify all my actions and make excuses
for them try to say like look in the kind of
moment i was in like it makes sense why i would
be so focused on these other things and yada
yada yada like i can make all kinds of excuses
but the truth is that these are times that i
thought of my own situation over considering
considering their feelings or considering what
they're going through right um which is not honestly
that's not what i i believe that's not what a
good friend looks like right which brings us
back to asperg you know when i reflect on it
now i i think i'm more taken aback by my reaction
to people having called me asperg rather than
more than anything else, right? It's the fact
that I got annoyed and upset by their calling
me that, sometimes denying that that's who I
was, right? I was just so like tied up in some,
I don't know what it was, like maybe a need to
identify myself as a good friend or something,
somebody who's loyal and trustworthy, right?
Nobody likes to look at themselves and, you know,
look at their own flaws and ways in which they
fall short, right? You know, I, like anybody
else, didn't want to believe anything terrible
about myself in that way, right? I never actually
bothered to reflect on who I was as a friend
because I was so hung up on trying to say like,
hey, no, I'm actually a good friend, right? I
never bothered to think like, look, what kind
of a friend am I? How am I actually conducting
myself in my friendships? What does it actually
look like to be a good friend? What does it actually
look like to care for somebody deeply, somebody
that's more than just an acquaintance? I never
really reflected on any of this. And the most
basic question, I never actually spent much time
of it at all, kind of reflecting on whether or
not I even cared about anyone else. If maybe
I was just constantly thinking about... myself
in my own situation. I now wonder whether I was
so busy being defensive that I never bothered
to consider exactly what they were seeing or
experiencing from me and to open up dialogue
about it. The truth is that sometimes they were
right, like I was out of line. But sometimes
they were not, right? I mean, I gave you examples
of cases where it was some of both, right? Sometimes
I felt like, you know, My friends were probably
in the right, and then sometimes they weren't.
And that's just how humans are, right? I'm that
way a lot of times, right? So I'm sometimes right
and sometimes I'm not. But the truth is that,
you know, in order to get to the bottom of it,
you need to actually have an open dialogue. You
need to, you know, not make assumptions or accusations,
whether in your own head or out loud about the
other person. Like, you need to... actually have
a conversation about what happened and, you know,
how each side was perceiving it. I never had
these conversations, really. I mean, I might
have had them time to time, but it was rare.
It's so rare that I just honestly just paint
a broad brush and say, like, I just never had
these conversations, right? Where we're actually
honest about our feelings, how we felt about
each other and what the other person had done
for or to us. I could understand why, right?
You know, I didn't pursue having these conversations.
I didn't go around like proactively asking to
find out how they were feeling or whether they
were mad at me or upset with me. I tried to avoid,
I was conflict avoiding like shit, like damn,
like I didn't want to have those conversations,
right? And I imagine, you know, knowing what
I know now about myself, I imagine it would have
been difficult for a lot of people to have, want
to have that conversation with me, right? A lot
of times I could have, you know, I know less
so now, but I do know that in the past, I mean,
I was extremely either defensive or just completely
dense where even if you try to have a conversation
with me, I might not get it. I might not understand
these, all these feelings stuff, right? I don't
really. I didn't really understand, right? I
didn't understand where these feelings would
be coming from or why somebody would feel the
way that they did, right? So I imagine it would
have been difficult to even have those conversations
with me, which makes sense why people would just
avoid having those conversations. You don't want
to have a conversation with somebody, a difficult
one at that, if you don't feel like the other
person is actually going to be receptive in any
way, right? So knowing myself and kind of reflecting
on how I was through the years, It actually makes
a lot of sense why people wouldn't want to bring
up things with me. So to be honest, I don't know
if I'm deserving of the nickname Aspert. I haven't
really heard that term much lately. I don't know
if that's a sign of everybody kind of aging out
of it. But frankly, whether or not people call
me an ass, I could care less. I really could
care less. Because what I do know is that getting
worked up over the label... actually took away
from my being able to really develop meaningful
friendships. Because meaningful friendships means
that sometimes we end up doing shitty things
to one another. And I feel like what makes the
friendship worthwhile is that you work through
it. I mean, work through it in a real way, right?
Where you actually have an open conversation
about it instead of shying away from... showing
your true self showing how you really feel right
um and so like focusing on the label and getting
worked up over it wondering why i'm an ass or
not like you know maybe there's they're like
a nice reflective exercise to do on my own but
at the end of the day like i think one of the
things that have shifted for me is i just stopped
caring you could call me whatever you want to
what i care more about now is you know, why you're
feeling the way that you do. And how, you know,
you were impacted by something I did. And if
there are ways to repair the relationship. Now,
I'm not, I'll admit, I'm not perfect at it. I'm
still a work in progress for sure. And I do know
that when I am short on energy, especially when
I'm tired, I experience this a lot with my daughter
now. When I'm tired, I have a lot smaller capacity.
to have these sorts of conversations, right?
So, you know, I know there's still work left
to be done and to, you know, try to put myself
in situations where I can be much better responsibly,
you know, much better at responding to, you know,
friends in this way. But maybe if I had focused
my energy here, then I would be experiencing
deeper friendships now. I don't know. Who knows?
What I do know is that... At least for me, you
know, the fact that this nickname has stuck and
impacted me in the way that it did, I think was
very revealing for me about where I was really
spending my energy. Was it on the friendship
or was it on how I wanted to be perceived or
how I wanted to perceive myself? And, you know,
there's something liberating about. Not being
impacted by whatever labels are thrown your way.
And just focusing on the deeper thing that really
matters. And sometimes it's kind of hard to get
there because, well, these labels can hurt. It
can make you react. It can make you get defensive.
But... You know, to the friends out there, like
I really regret in a lot of ways that I wasn't
able to be in that space to develop something
much more meaningful back then. And I hope that,
you know, if we have the opportunity that we
get to do so now. As much of a work in progress,
I am still at this moment. I feel like I could
do a better job than I did before. And that at
least gives me some hope.