WEBVTT 00:00:29.260 --> 00:00:32.240 um maybe it's my uh father's influence but uh 00:00:32.240 --> 00:00:35.619 i was always taught to be to find gratitude and 00:00:35.619 --> 00:00:39.159 everything and uh though i hated my dad the topic 00:00:39.159 --> 00:00:41.840 for another day and wanted to ignore or question 00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:44.619 everything he ever told me um i didn't have a 00:00:44.619 --> 00:00:47.000 good sense that i was lucky to have gotten as 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:53.079 far as i have um which honestly where i ended 00:00:53.079 --> 00:00:55.020 up where i'm at now it really shouldn't have 00:00:55.020 --> 00:00:57.659 happened um my parents were immigrants low income 00:00:58.490 --> 00:01:01.149 Lots of fighting in the home, usually over money, 00:01:01.310 --> 00:01:04.450 but often over other things as well. My parents 00:01:04.450 --> 00:01:06.849 weren't really educated. My dad technically went 00:01:06.849 --> 00:01:09.010 to theology school in Korea, but I questioned 00:01:09.010 --> 00:01:10.930 the rigor of the program based off of everything 00:01:10.930 --> 00:01:13.930 I've heard. My mom went to junior college in 00:01:13.930 --> 00:01:17.829 Korea for nursing, but it's different than community 00:01:17.829 --> 00:01:21.849 college here now for nursing because she wasn't 00:01:21.849 --> 00:01:24.049 learning anything like that you would associate 00:01:24.049 --> 00:01:26.500 with nursing today. She was just learning how 00:01:26.500 --> 00:01:28.799 to change bedpans and give sponge baths and nothing 00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:34.780 really more. So getting into UCLA, a competitive 00:01:34.780 --> 00:01:38.500 school, was not something you would have bet 00:01:38.500 --> 00:01:42.140 on, let alone eventually getting up to a PhD 00:01:42.140 --> 00:01:47.319 in philosophy, which is by many metrics one of 00:01:47.319 --> 00:01:49.840 the more competitive graduate programs, especially 00:01:49.840 --> 00:01:54.030 in the humanities. Then getting an actual tenure 00:01:54.030 --> 00:01:56.250 track job, like that's nearly impossible. Like 00:01:56.250 --> 00:01:58.590 chances of all this happening, given my background, 00:01:58.829 --> 00:02:01.730 I'd probably give it less than 1%. And that's 00:02:01.730 --> 00:02:04.969 probably being generous. My parents always attributed 00:02:04.969 --> 00:02:10.689 all this to God's divine intervention. But me, 00:02:10.770 --> 00:02:15.270 I was aware of how many times my life trajectory 00:02:15.270 --> 00:02:18.229 could have gone in a very different direction. 00:02:19.150 --> 00:02:21.110 I'm still remember like in 10th grade, I could 00:02:21.110 --> 00:02:23.569 have gotten more than a suspension for possession 00:02:23.569 --> 00:02:26.810 of stolen goods. There was at least several times 00:02:26.810 --> 00:02:28.610 I could have been caught for shoplifting and 00:02:28.610 --> 00:02:31.550 had a criminal record and gone to juvenile hall. 00:02:34.090 --> 00:02:37.030 I know that they wouldn't have let me off all 00:02:37.030 --> 00:02:38.889 that easy given the value of the things I was 00:02:38.889 --> 00:02:41.750 stealing. So, you know, I've been reckless when 00:02:41.750 --> 00:02:43.430 driving. There were several times where I probably 00:02:43.430 --> 00:02:46.069 could have died in a car accident because I like 00:02:46.069 --> 00:02:49.219 to try to push, especially in high school. the 00:02:49.219 --> 00:02:54.099 car to the limit. In high school, my geometry 00:02:54.099 --> 00:02:58.219 and Spanish teacher were extremely supportive 00:02:58.219 --> 00:03:02.240 and helped me to get leadership positions. In 00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:05.419 college, I acted the fool. I remember once the 00:03:05.419 --> 00:03:07.419 resident assistants had to pull me over and had 00:03:07.419 --> 00:03:09.520 to talk into me. And instead of filing a bunch 00:03:09.520 --> 00:03:12.120 of paperwork, it became a whole thing because 00:03:12.120 --> 00:03:15.280 I was saying and doing pretty outlandish things 00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:20.139 to other students. It could have landed me in 00:03:20.139 --> 00:03:22.379 some real trouble. It could have gone on certain 00:03:22.379 --> 00:03:24.340 records that would have eliminated me from being 00:03:24.340 --> 00:03:27.439 selected for various programs. But instead, you 00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:30.780 know, she just trusted that I was actually good 00:03:30.780 --> 00:03:33.280 inside or something and then just had a talking 00:03:33.280 --> 00:03:38.340 to and thought that would address it. And I got 00:03:38.340 --> 00:03:41.419 selected for various programs at UCLA by supervisors 00:03:41.419 --> 00:03:43.780 who had no idea what they were getting themselves 00:03:43.780 --> 00:03:47.210 into. both the Student Health Advocate Program 00:03:47.210 --> 00:03:50.770 and the Orientation Program. The Orientation 00:03:50.770 --> 00:03:52.930 Program was wild. I actually thought that first 00:03:52.930 --> 00:03:57.270 year I was there, I had done some really offensive 00:03:57.270 --> 00:04:02.930 stuff. I had also once, with a fellow counselor, 00:04:03.090 --> 00:04:06.449 shut down the entire internet in the dorms during 00:04:06.449 --> 00:04:08.590 orientation because we try to pull a fast one 00:04:08.590 --> 00:04:11.319 in. hook up an extra router to give our students 00:04:11.319 --> 00:04:13.340 an edge so that we could hook up more computers 00:04:13.340 --> 00:04:15.439 and get them enrolled in their classes before 00:04:15.439 --> 00:04:20.139 the other students got to. That supervisor for 00:04:20.139 --> 00:04:22.000 the orientation program who knew all this, all 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:25.139 this dumb shit that I did, she's the one who 00:04:25.139 --> 00:04:27.579 wrote a glowing recommendation on my behalf that 00:04:27.579 --> 00:04:30.550 got me a free ride. to Boston University for 00:04:30.550 --> 00:04:33.209 a master's program there. And I can tell you 00:04:33.209 --> 00:04:36.009 this, that it was her letter because they actually 00:04:36.009 --> 00:04:38.589 told me during the phone conversation when they 00:04:38.589 --> 00:04:40.970 said that I got this scholarship that it was 00:04:40.970 --> 00:04:44.370 her letter that really impressed them and made 00:04:44.370 --> 00:04:46.629 them go with me as the scholarship candidate. 00:04:48.910 --> 00:04:51.189 My goodness. I mean, I honestly would not have 00:04:51.189 --> 00:04:52.730 gone to that university if I didn't get that 00:04:52.730 --> 00:04:56.069 financial support because it was way too expensive 00:04:56.069 --> 00:04:58.860 and I could not justify. going there without 00:04:58.860 --> 00:05:02.199 that money. I honestly have no idea how I got 00:05:02.199 --> 00:05:05.459 into a PhD program. The acceptance rate on average, 00:05:05.519 --> 00:05:09.000 I think around that time was 2 % for any of the 00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:10.740 programs worth applying to. And the advice I 00:05:10.740 --> 00:05:12.519 got was if you don't get into one of the top 00:05:12.519 --> 00:05:18.819 like 40, 50 PhD programs in the country, then 00:05:18.819 --> 00:05:20.779 just don't bother because you're just not going 00:05:20.779 --> 00:05:22.819 to get a job if you don't, you know, get a PhD 00:05:22.819 --> 00:05:26.350 from one of these places. And so It was very 00:05:26.350 --> 00:05:28.430 low acceptance rate. I actually applied to like, 00:05:28.449 --> 00:05:30.529 oh my goodness, I think it was like 30 places, 00:05:30.730 --> 00:05:34.810 hoping to get into just one. And luckily I did 00:05:34.810 --> 00:05:38.089 get into at least one. My dissertation advisor 00:05:38.089 --> 00:05:41.209 probably left me off the hook because I honestly 00:05:41.209 --> 00:05:43.149 did not think much of my own dissertation. I 00:05:43.149 --> 00:05:45.670 thought it was lacking, that it was insufficient. 00:05:45.810 --> 00:05:49.189 But I do wonder, maybe he went a little easy 00:05:49.189 --> 00:05:52.050 on me because by then I had already landed this 00:05:52.050 --> 00:05:55.430 teaching fellowship at Villanova. But that program 00:05:55.430 --> 00:05:57.949 required that I finish my PhD before I start 00:05:57.949 --> 00:06:02.730 in the fall, which means that like if I wonder 00:06:02.730 --> 00:06:05.129 if he felt a little pressure to just like make 00:06:05.129 --> 00:06:07.389 sure I got that degree so that I didn't lose 00:06:07.389 --> 00:06:11.149 this opportunity. And at Villanova, they supported 00:06:11.149 --> 00:06:13.189 me in developing my teaching and research, like 00:06:13.189 --> 00:06:16.449 both monetarily, allowing me to like, you know, 00:06:16.449 --> 00:06:19.930 go on these to these conferences and to certain. 00:06:20.930 --> 00:06:23.389 programs to help me develop my teaching a bit 00:06:23.389 --> 00:06:26.610 more. But they also had like an in -house instructor 00:06:26.610 --> 00:06:28.430 development program that I thought was amazing. 00:06:30.209 --> 00:06:34.089 And later I found out that there were individuals 00:06:34.089 --> 00:06:36.970 advocating for me during my application process 00:06:36.970 --> 00:06:41.189 at Pasadena City College, right? People who have 00:06:41.189 --> 00:06:44.709 really pushed for me so that I landed that job. 00:06:45.069 --> 00:06:48.230 I didn't know any of them. They just saw something 00:06:48.230 --> 00:06:50.949 in me that I don't think I necessarily deserved 00:06:50.949 --> 00:06:52.529 it. I'm sure there were other candidates that 00:06:52.529 --> 00:06:56.910 were just as worthy. I'm pointing all this out 00:06:56.910 --> 00:07:01.329 for a reason. I was lucky. The chances of me 00:07:01.329 --> 00:07:04.649 getting to where I'm at now, in my mind, it's 00:07:04.649 --> 00:07:09.850 fairly low probability. I know without a doubt 00:07:09.850 --> 00:07:13.250 that I got as far as I did because I just happened 00:07:13.250 --> 00:07:16.879 to have... The right people opened doors for 00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:19.560 me at the right time, every step of the way. 00:07:20.759 --> 00:07:24.519 And also on top of that, I got away with a lot 00:07:24.519 --> 00:07:26.399 of stuff that I could have definitely been caught 00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:31.579 for and changed my life trajectory in a very 00:07:31.579 --> 00:07:35.480 different way. There's no way that I move forward 00:07:35.480 --> 00:07:39.120 the way I did without them. And recognizing this 00:07:39.120 --> 00:07:43.629 truth meant both... That I feel a deep sense 00:07:43.629 --> 00:07:47.470 of gratitude, but I also feel to some degree 00:07:47.470 --> 00:07:50.529 that I don't belong. And you see, like every 00:07:50.529 --> 00:07:54.290 time I got to the quote unquote next level, right? 00:07:54.670 --> 00:07:57.589 So going from like, you know, high school degree 00:07:57.589 --> 00:08:00.269 to a bachelor's degree to a master's to a doctorate, 00:08:00.269 --> 00:08:03.189 right? Every step of the way, I knew that I probably 00:08:03.189 --> 00:08:06.850 didn't have the same background as the people 00:08:06.850 --> 00:08:10.370 next to me. And it became more kind of... explicit 00:08:10.370 --> 00:08:13.029 the higher up I went all right because let's 00:08:13.029 --> 00:08:14.850 be honest philosophy is something you pursue 00:08:14.850 --> 00:08:17.750 because you're passionate about it not when you're 00:08:17.750 --> 00:08:20.290 looking for stable work not when you're concerned 00:08:20.290 --> 00:08:22.509 with making ends meet right I remember the advice 00:08:22.509 --> 00:08:27.189 I was given by my mentor when I was at UCLA was 00:08:27.189 --> 00:08:30.250 uh you know he said don't even bother applying 00:08:30.250 --> 00:08:32.909 to a PhD program like try to find something else 00:08:32.909 --> 00:08:35.610 right the chances were low to getting accepted 00:08:35.610 --> 00:08:40.940 anyways because you'd you know You have no job 00:08:40.940 --> 00:08:42.600 prospect unless you're accepted to one of the 00:08:42.600 --> 00:08:44.519 more competitive programs. And the competitive 00:08:44.519 --> 00:08:47.179 programs, like I said, was like 2 % acceptance 00:08:47.179 --> 00:08:50.200 rate on average, right? You probably won't get 00:08:50.200 --> 00:08:51.919 good financial support even if you get accepted. 00:08:52.100 --> 00:08:54.519 So, you know, getting accepted is one thing, 00:08:54.519 --> 00:08:56.120 but then getting accepted with some financial 00:08:56.120 --> 00:08:58.200 package that they can guarantee you, that was 00:08:58.200 --> 00:09:03.080 a question mark. It's also, so it's not worth 00:09:03.080 --> 00:09:06.259 pursuing unless you... Don't have to take out 00:09:06.259 --> 00:09:08.600 loans for six or seven years. That's a long time 00:09:08.600 --> 00:09:10.179 for them to kind of financially support you. 00:09:10.799 --> 00:09:12.940 Even if you do get in with that financial support, 00:09:13.139 --> 00:09:15.000 right, there's also a 50 % chance you probably 00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:17.539 won't even complete the program. So the 2 % is 00:09:17.539 --> 00:09:20.100 just getting accepted, right? Like half of the 00:09:20.100 --> 00:09:21.539 students don't seem to even finish the program. 00:09:21.860 --> 00:09:26.139 A large chunk of the PhD students quit before 00:09:26.139 --> 00:09:30.500 then for various reasons. A large chunk of them, 00:09:30.539 --> 00:09:33.399 from what I was told. This was me as an undergrad, 00:09:33.659 --> 00:09:37.100 kind of not knowing, but my mentor was pretty 00:09:37.100 --> 00:09:39.980 honest about it because he wanted me to be clear 00:09:39.980 --> 00:09:42.539 -eyed in making the decision instead of doing 00:09:42.539 --> 00:09:45.600 it from a place of distorted reality or something. 00:09:46.220 --> 00:09:48.360 So a large chunk of the PhD students were probably 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:50.879 suffering from severe depression or anxiety or 00:09:50.879 --> 00:09:53.679 both, right? Many of them probably resorting 00:09:53.679 --> 00:09:57.720 to heavy smoking and drinking. And on top of 00:09:57.720 --> 00:09:58.779 that, you're going to be super stressed because 00:09:58.779 --> 00:10:00.299 you're probably not going to get a job in academia 00:10:00.299 --> 00:10:02.789 once you finish. Because there's just not that 00:10:02.789 --> 00:10:06.230 many positions out there, right? So if there's 00:10:06.230 --> 00:10:08.350 anything that I had an interest in other than 00:10:08.350 --> 00:10:10.590 philosophy, anything else in life that would 00:10:10.590 --> 00:10:15.610 keep me satisfied, happy, he told me pursue that 00:10:15.610 --> 00:10:19.370 instead. Just don't bother with philosophy. And 00:10:19.370 --> 00:10:22.009 it was honest and good advice. Like everything 00:10:22.009 --> 00:10:24.950 he said to me was from my experience and from 00:10:24.950 --> 00:10:28.590 everything I've seen is more or less on the dot. 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:31.320 Some things might have changed over the years, 00:10:31.419 --> 00:10:34.059 but a lot of this is true, at least when it comes 00:10:34.059 --> 00:10:37.039 to the competitiveness and acceptance, but also 00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:40.539 that you need to get into one of these more competitive 00:10:40.539 --> 00:10:43.940 programs, and funding is not always guaranteed, 00:10:44.039 --> 00:10:49.740 and the job prospects are just horrible. These 00:10:49.740 --> 00:10:53.379 all still remain true. So I actually give the 00:10:53.379 --> 00:10:55.559 same advice to my students who are thinking about 00:10:55.559 --> 00:10:57.100 going to graduate school, right? Unless I see 00:10:57.100 --> 00:11:00.039 some particular reason that I should really push 00:11:00.039 --> 00:11:03.340 for them to go for it. There are a few cases 00:11:03.340 --> 00:11:05.820 where I've seen students where they have the 00:11:05.820 --> 00:11:08.639 clear potential. They're already a cut above 00:11:08.639 --> 00:11:11.779 everyone else and doing graduate work already 00:11:11.779 --> 00:11:13.980 to some degree, at least in terms of their writing 00:11:13.980 --> 00:11:19.399 and research. Like, rarely do I... tell a student, 00:11:19.440 --> 00:11:21.539 like, just go for it, right? Like, I would give 00:11:21.539 --> 00:11:24.139 them the reality and then let them know how daunting 00:11:24.139 --> 00:11:28.340 and hard it is. Because, like, just because I 00:11:28.340 --> 00:11:30.539 made it to where I'm at doesn't mean that another 00:11:30.539 --> 00:11:33.419 person is going to. Because, again, I acknowledge 00:11:33.419 --> 00:11:35.539 the amount of luck that probably went into my 00:11:35.539 --> 00:11:43.460 getting to where I got. I soon realized that, 00:11:43.659 --> 00:11:48.399 you know, Like I said, I know the chances of 00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:50.539 my getting all the way, given my own personal 00:11:50.539 --> 00:11:53.120 background, was very unlikely that I got to where 00:11:53.120 --> 00:11:55.100 I was. And I think it became even more clear 00:11:55.100 --> 00:11:58.200 as I started the PhD program and I'm hanging 00:11:58.200 --> 00:11:59.419 around all these graduate schools. I mean, I 00:11:59.419 --> 00:12:00.860 had a sense of it during the master's program, 00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:03.279 but the master's program is kind of weird because 00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:05.779 it was in theology and some of them were coming 00:12:05.779 --> 00:12:08.399 from, you know, it was a different kind of program. 00:12:08.519 --> 00:12:10.940 It wasn't as competitive. A lot of them were 00:12:10.940 --> 00:12:14.620 there. for vocational reasons, right? These are 00:12:14.620 --> 00:12:17.279 people who are going into the ministry. Half 00:12:17.279 --> 00:12:19.200 of the students weren't. They were going into 00:12:19.200 --> 00:12:21.580 academia. But because there were so many students 00:12:21.580 --> 00:12:24.340 that were going there for vocational reasons, 00:12:24.539 --> 00:12:27.159 it was a very different kind of mix. But I think 00:12:27.159 --> 00:12:30.379 in the PhD program, it became very clear to me 00:12:30.379 --> 00:12:37.000 that I was not the norm, right? You know, I think 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:39.159 most of the people who made it up to the PhD 00:12:39.159 --> 00:12:42.629 program tended to be middle to upper class. come 00:12:42.629 --> 00:12:45.909 from middle to upper class family, probably well 00:12:45.909 --> 00:12:50.809 educated. And let's be honest, philosophy at 00:12:50.809 --> 00:12:55.549 the time that I was going overwhelmingly was 00:12:55.549 --> 00:12:59.649 dominated by white males. That's just how it 00:12:59.649 --> 00:13:03.250 was for a lot of different reasons. And I know 00:13:03.250 --> 00:13:05.610 that they've done a lot to try to address this 00:13:05.610 --> 00:13:08.289 issue and to root out any sort of biases that 00:13:08.289 --> 00:13:11.169 are contributing to it. But that's just how it 00:13:11.169 --> 00:13:15.070 was when I was in graduate school. I didn't know 00:13:15.070 --> 00:13:18.049 the exact reason, but I do know that academic 00:13:18.049 --> 00:13:26.429 philosophy has in the past, you know, kind of 00:13:26.429 --> 00:13:29.889 protected a certain way about doing things that 00:13:29.889 --> 00:13:34.509 kind of, how do I put this? It's like, it was 00:13:34.509 --> 00:13:37.500 kind of like an old boys club. So it's hard to 00:13:37.500 --> 00:13:41.379 see major changes happen, I think, anytime soon, 00:13:41.559 --> 00:13:45.240 in part because new faculty comes up only when 00:13:45.240 --> 00:13:47.580 the old guard kind of retires or dies, and that's 00:13:47.580 --> 00:13:53.639 just not happening very quickly. And that was 00:13:53.639 --> 00:13:55.919 just the reality. I felt it at every place I've 00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:59.580 been to, whether it was UCLA, Villanova, UC Santa 00:13:59.580 --> 00:14:01.879 Barbara. When I was at Boston University, I mean, 00:14:01.899 --> 00:14:06.409 Boston is like, right? old, old, uh, old money, 00:14:06.570 --> 00:14:10.730 uh, crew. Like you just saw a lot of, um, you 00:14:10.730 --> 00:14:13.190 just saw a lot of that same sort of, uh, demographic. 00:14:13.529 --> 00:14:15.590 Um, it's not a criticism. I'm just letting you 00:14:15.590 --> 00:14:17.769 know that this is just what I experienced. Um, 00:14:17.929 --> 00:14:21.909 I remember, um, I remember my partner at the 00:14:21.909 --> 00:14:24.669 time telling me, uh, when we're dating that I 00:14:24.669 --> 00:14:27.840 sounded like an old white man. And I did sound 00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:29.919 like an old white man because that's what I was 00:14:29.919 --> 00:14:32.840 surrounded by. It made a lot of sense. I mean, 00:14:32.840 --> 00:14:34.899 I think it made more sense to her when she finally 00:14:34.899 --> 00:14:36.980 hung out with my professors and fellow grad students. 00:14:38.279 --> 00:14:39.659 Because she was like, she was trying to figure 00:14:39.659 --> 00:14:41.960 out, like, why do you not speak like my friends 00:14:41.960 --> 00:14:45.240 and like just normal working folk, right? Like, 00:14:45.240 --> 00:14:47.399 why do you sound so weird and different? And 00:14:47.399 --> 00:14:48.919 she hung out with them. It's like, oh, my goodness, 00:14:49.000 --> 00:14:50.740 you sound like they all sound like very similar. 00:14:51.159 --> 00:14:53.399 Y 'all talk in the same way. All right. Y 'all 00:14:53.399 --> 00:14:55.940 have the same mannerisms and the same sort of. 00:14:56.799 --> 00:14:58.879 way of intellectualizing things, very head heavy. 00:14:58.980 --> 00:15:00.940 Right. And I was like, yeah, that's kind of how 00:15:00.940 --> 00:15:06.679 we all are. Um, and what's crazy is that, you 00:15:06.679 --> 00:15:08.659 know, it was, it was kind of like a weird switch 00:15:08.659 --> 00:15:10.659 that happened. Right. So like when she sees me 00:15:10.659 --> 00:15:12.539 hanging out with friends, like from college, 00:15:12.580 --> 00:15:15.899 like just fellow buddies. Right. I didn't sound 00:15:15.899 --> 00:15:17.860 anything like that. Right. It was like, I, it 00:15:17.860 --> 00:15:20.500 was almost as though I switched my speech pattern 00:15:20.500 --> 00:15:23.720 when I was hanging out in that academic circle. 00:15:24.930 --> 00:15:28.009 At the time, I really never thought much of it. 00:15:28.789 --> 00:15:32.190 I'd been doing it for so long. But the reality 00:15:32.190 --> 00:15:35.529 was I was, I don't know what the word used nowadays 00:15:35.529 --> 00:15:38.409 would be, like code switching, right? I was in 00:15:38.409 --> 00:15:42.370 some sense pretending in speech and mannerisms 00:15:42.370 --> 00:15:46.210 and the things I talked about. I was doing all 00:15:46.210 --> 00:15:50.750 the things that I needed to do to fit in. And 00:15:50.750 --> 00:15:53.669 it was a world that was honestly foreign to me. 00:15:54.539 --> 00:15:57.940 I mean, a decent number of the faculty at these 00:15:57.940 --> 00:16:02.519 colleges had like annual like tickets to the 00:16:02.519 --> 00:16:07.179 opera or symphony. I only got to go to the symphony 00:16:07.179 --> 00:16:09.379 when I was in Boston because they had some cheap 00:16:09.379 --> 00:16:12.919 pass for students where they could get in to 00:16:12.919 --> 00:16:15.519 these like leftover seats if there were any available. 00:16:15.779 --> 00:16:17.840 You just kind of had to like reserve them on 00:16:17.840 --> 00:16:21.470 the day of. get exactly what that program was 00:16:21.470 --> 00:16:23.769 called. But I got to, I mean, I love the symphony, 00:16:23.850 --> 00:16:26.250 but I couldn't afford it, right? It's expensive. 00:16:26.669 --> 00:16:28.549 The fact that they actually went out of their 00:16:28.549 --> 00:16:33.629 way to get tickets to go regularly, right? That's 00:16:33.629 --> 00:16:36.470 just not the crowd I'm used to like rolling with, 00:16:36.570 --> 00:16:40.049 right? A few of the younger faculty might've 00:16:40.049 --> 00:16:42.909 listened to like punk rock or something, but 00:16:42.909 --> 00:16:46.470 I didn't know any faculty member that was steeped 00:16:46.470 --> 00:16:50.460 deep in hip hop culture. most of their references 00:16:50.460 --> 00:16:54.799 to art or culture went completely over my head. 00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:58.720 At least at UCLA and UC Santa Barbara, I could 00:16:58.720 --> 00:17:01.200 connect with the faculty on some Cali shit. When 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:05.240 I sat in a class, I remember before I decided 00:17:05.240 --> 00:17:09.160 on what PhD program to go to, I visited UC Santa 00:17:09.160 --> 00:17:12.420 Barbara and I got to sit in a class with one 00:17:12.420 --> 00:17:17.549 of the professors. That professor... Showed up 00:17:17.549 --> 00:17:19.670 to the class in T -shirt and board shorts and 00:17:19.670 --> 00:17:21.650 flip -flops, and I was like, yeah, Cali to the 00:17:21.650 --> 00:17:24.250 core, right? Like, this guy must have surfed 00:17:24.250 --> 00:17:27.930 back in the days, right? You know, it was just 00:17:27.930 --> 00:17:30.869 that vibe. Villanova was a whole different story, 00:17:31.049 --> 00:17:32.970 right? The faculty there were all dressed by 00:17:32.970 --> 00:17:35.009 title, and everyone dressed up, like, to the 00:17:35.009 --> 00:17:37.750 T to teach. Like, I mean, they full -on tie and, 00:17:37.829 --> 00:17:41.789 you know, suit and everything, right? I did what 00:17:41.789 --> 00:17:44.950 I did to try to fit in, right? So I dressed similarly, 00:17:45.089 --> 00:17:47.160 but I honestly, like, that... That was super 00:17:47.160 --> 00:17:51.980 uncomfortable for me. That was not at all who 00:17:51.980 --> 00:17:57.099 I am. The point is that because of my own background, 00:17:57.359 --> 00:18:01.279 the higher the education, the wealthier or more 00:18:01.279 --> 00:18:03.579 educated the circle, the more I felt out of place. 00:18:04.039 --> 00:18:07.619 The more I felt like I had to be someone that 00:18:07.619 --> 00:18:10.779 I really wasn't just so that I could fit in. 00:18:11.220 --> 00:18:13.470 And here's the thing. Generally, I'm the kind 00:18:13.470 --> 00:18:14.849 of person who just doesn't give a fuck about 00:18:14.849 --> 00:18:18.849 what other people think. I just like doing my 00:18:18.849 --> 00:18:23.869 own thing. But I will act differently if it actually 00:18:23.869 --> 00:18:26.329 impacts the bottom line, right? Like my chances 00:18:26.329 --> 00:18:29.609 of getting a job or keeping it. And essentially, 00:18:29.849 --> 00:18:33.250 like whether I knew it or not, like explicitly 00:18:33.250 --> 00:18:35.890 in my head, like what I was essentially doing 00:18:35.890 --> 00:18:37.710 was playing that game, like playing that part. 00:18:37.849 --> 00:18:40.769 I was acting and I was doing it knowing that 00:18:40.769 --> 00:18:43.769 I had to do it. Because this is the game that's 00:18:43.769 --> 00:18:46.630 played. This is how you get to that place where 00:18:46.630 --> 00:18:48.589 you could land a job. Just like you would dress 00:18:48.589 --> 00:18:50.450 up for an interview. That's exactly how it was. 00:18:50.450 --> 00:18:52.930 Except I was having to do that every day as I 00:18:52.930 --> 00:18:56.829 was going to grad school. And when you keep it 00:18:56.829 --> 00:19:00.349 up for long enough, then it just becomes so natural 00:19:00.349 --> 00:19:03.930 and easy to just switch into that mode. You just 00:19:03.930 --> 00:19:07.130 naturally move in and out. Talking a certain 00:19:07.130 --> 00:19:11.339 way, talking about certain things. you know, 00:19:11.339 --> 00:19:13.339 dressing a certain way, presenting yourself in 00:19:13.339 --> 00:19:17.779 a certain way, right? But what's crazy is that 00:19:17.779 --> 00:19:21.559 if you pretend for long enough, you can't help 00:19:21.559 --> 00:19:23.720 but kind of become the thing that you're pretending 00:19:23.720 --> 00:19:26.920 so hard to be. You get so wrapped up in that 00:19:26.920 --> 00:19:30.940 character, in that role you're playing, and academia 00:19:30.940 --> 00:19:34.380 has its own little culture. And I got wrapped 00:19:34.380 --> 00:19:37.220 up in it, like, so fast, right? A lot of it was 00:19:37.220 --> 00:19:38.900 the pressure of getting a job, but I mean... 00:19:39.390 --> 00:19:41.490 It wasn't just that, like there's a kind of culture 00:19:41.490 --> 00:19:43.670 that you get sucked into, right? Academia is 00:19:43.670 --> 00:19:46.150 extremely competitive, right? It's almost like 00:19:46.150 --> 00:19:48.150 a place where at least, I don't know about other 00:19:48.150 --> 00:19:49.750 fields, maybe it's different in other fields, 00:19:49.829 --> 00:19:51.970 but at least in philosophy, right? It's often 00:19:51.970 --> 00:19:53.490 competitive and it makes sense. Like I said, 00:19:53.529 --> 00:19:55.549 it's extremely competitive to get into a program, 00:19:55.690 --> 00:19:59.170 to finish the program. Like there's just, it's 00:19:59.170 --> 00:20:02.309 just a very difficult route to go. But like I 00:20:02.309 --> 00:20:04.569 said about the job situation, right? There's 00:20:04.569 --> 00:20:07.269 just not a lot of jobs. Because everybody's fighting 00:20:07.269 --> 00:20:10.349 for these few positions, right? Everyone just 00:20:10.349 --> 00:20:12.289 starts getting super competitive. Like it's just 00:20:12.289 --> 00:20:14.650 a situation that lends people to be this way. 00:20:15.089 --> 00:20:17.109 Everyone is fighting for attention to show that 00:20:17.109 --> 00:20:20.450 their research is somehow worthy of consideration 00:20:20.450 --> 00:20:22.670 or it's contributing something meaningful to 00:20:22.670 --> 00:20:26.390 humanity, right? And when you add the job market 00:20:26.390 --> 00:20:29.410 prospects, right, then all that competitiveness 00:20:29.410 --> 00:20:32.029 just gets exacerbated and you start feeling a 00:20:32.029 --> 00:20:35.009 need to kind of promote yourself or your research, 00:20:35.130 --> 00:20:38.269 right? Oh, the self -promotion, like I hated 00:20:38.269 --> 00:20:40.710 it so much, but then I also felt like I had to 00:20:40.710 --> 00:20:45.289 do it myself. Right. I always held onto this 00:20:45.289 --> 00:20:47.369 ideal that people should just naturally be interested 00:20:47.369 --> 00:20:49.470 in your work. And if they're not, then they're 00:20:49.470 --> 00:20:51.650 just not in this. Okay. And I shouldn't have 00:20:51.650 --> 00:20:55.009 to try to sell it. But of course, like without 00:20:55.009 --> 00:20:56.890 putting yourself out there and demonstrating 00:20:56.890 --> 00:21:00.839 the significance of what you're doing. people 00:21:00.839 --> 00:21:04.259 are not going to give you that look, that chance 00:21:04.259 --> 00:21:09.380 to land that job, right? So I'm not going to 00:21:09.380 --> 00:21:11.640 lie. I got caught up in this mess. I started 00:21:11.640 --> 00:21:15.059 acting and speaking and promoting myself in ways 00:21:15.059 --> 00:21:18.500 that deep down I really didn't want to. I think 00:21:18.500 --> 00:21:20.460 at the time I even created like one of those 00:21:20.460 --> 00:21:22.740 personal websites that all these other philosophers 00:21:22.740 --> 00:21:24.640 did, like all these other academics did. And 00:21:24.640 --> 00:21:26.630 I was like, oh. I can't believe I have to do 00:21:26.630 --> 00:21:28.829 this. Like, I feel so gross promoting myself. 00:21:28.950 --> 00:21:32.170 But I did it because I felt like I had to. In 00:21:32.170 --> 00:21:34.809 the least, I tried to fake it till I made it, 00:21:34.829 --> 00:21:36.529 right? And then maybe then I can make some different 00:21:36.529 --> 00:21:40.529 decisions. But the truth was, I didn't feel like 00:21:40.529 --> 00:21:42.490 anything special, right? Like I said, I know. 00:21:43.210 --> 00:21:45.549 that I wasn't anything particularly special. 00:21:45.690 --> 00:21:47.289 Like I didn't feel like my work was anything 00:21:47.289 --> 00:21:50.250 significant. I didn't feel like I was the best 00:21:50.250 --> 00:21:53.569 at my craft or, you know, somehow better or more 00:21:53.569 --> 00:21:55.930 impressive than the person next to me. I mean, 00:21:55.930 --> 00:21:58.670 by the time I was working on my PhD, I mean, 00:21:58.690 --> 00:22:01.369 I encountered way too many grad students and 00:22:01.369 --> 00:22:03.630 way too many professors that was, they were on 00:22:03.630 --> 00:22:06.329 a different level, right? Like at each step, 00:22:06.430 --> 00:22:09.970 I felt like my ego was getting checked by people 00:22:09.970 --> 00:22:13.980 who were that much better than me. you know, 00:22:13.980 --> 00:22:15.720 they were more knowledgeable, more insightful, 00:22:15.920 --> 00:22:18.140 more creative, more skilled, more everything, 00:22:18.319 --> 00:22:20.559 right? And I didn't necessarily attribute it 00:22:20.559 --> 00:22:22.599 to any like God -given innate ability, right? 00:22:22.839 --> 00:22:25.960 I just knew that they had had opportunities to 00:22:25.960 --> 00:22:28.539 develop, whether it was the time in the field 00:22:28.539 --> 00:22:31.799 or something about their background, that they 00:22:31.799 --> 00:22:34.160 had time to just like hone their craft in ways 00:22:34.160 --> 00:22:38.359 that I just didn't, right? I mean, I was well 00:22:38.359 --> 00:22:40.980 aware at the time of, you know, statistics on 00:22:41.710 --> 00:22:44.230 you know, education that shows like, you know, 00:22:44.230 --> 00:22:46.849 like how much better of a vocabulary you have 00:22:46.849 --> 00:22:49.569 at the earliest age when it probably gives you 00:22:49.569 --> 00:22:53.970 the biggest, right, bump. If you have parents 00:22:53.970 --> 00:22:56.769 who are highly educated and, you know, just naturally 00:22:56.769 --> 00:22:59.390 use big words, right? I had parents who didn't 00:22:59.390 --> 00:23:03.190 speak English at all. So my vocabulary just sucked. 00:23:03.289 --> 00:23:06.349 Like it was shit, right? When I took the SATs, 00:23:06.349 --> 00:23:07.970 I didn't know any of those words. I had to really 00:23:07.970 --> 00:23:11.559 study for them. I think words that like, friends 00:23:11.559 --> 00:23:13.619 who kind of came back from more uh came from 00:23:13.619 --> 00:23:16.440 more educated uh backgrounds like parents who 00:23:16.440 --> 00:23:19.319 spoke english at like a high level they were 00:23:19.319 --> 00:23:21.819 just like these just seem like normal everyday 00:23:21.819 --> 00:23:23.500 words i'm like what the fuck are you talking 00:23:23.500 --> 00:23:24.819 about i never heard these words before right 00:23:24.819 --> 00:23:29.619 um you know i met people who just they just had 00:23:29.619 --> 00:23:34.140 wider exposure to you know different sort of 00:23:34.140 --> 00:23:36.480 experiences in life, like traveling and things 00:23:36.480 --> 00:23:38.839 like that. So they were more familiar with history 00:23:38.839 --> 00:23:40.799 of all these countries that they visited and 00:23:40.799 --> 00:23:43.640 so on. And it wasn't like they were trying to 00:23:43.640 --> 00:23:45.759 do any of these things. They just had the opportunity 00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:47.940 to learn all these things along the way, right? 00:23:48.359 --> 00:23:51.880 So I felt, in order to keep up, I felt a need 00:23:51.880 --> 00:23:54.259 to kind of act, to at least give the impression 00:23:54.259 --> 00:23:56.380 that I was closer to the level that everyone 00:23:56.380 --> 00:24:00.960 else is at than I maybe actually was. All that 00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:03.799 acting, I just completely lost myself, right? 00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:07.339 I didn't really speak in my own voice with my 00:24:07.339 --> 00:24:11.119 own mannerisms, right? I didn't really, for instance, 00:24:11.180 --> 00:24:14.819 talk about hip -hop unless there was a fellow 00:24:14.819 --> 00:24:17.480 grad student that I knew that had some vague 00:24:17.480 --> 00:24:19.460 interest in it. But most of these things I just 00:24:19.460 --> 00:24:22.700 kept to myself or to a different circle of friends. 00:24:23.140 --> 00:24:26.839 I didn't really bring up most of my own experiences 00:24:26.839 --> 00:24:31.119 when I hung out. with the graduate and professor 00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:35.000 crowd, right? I often didn't talk about what 00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:36.500 was really on my mind or what I really cared 00:24:36.500 --> 00:24:38.720 about. I just, I got too caught up in the game. 00:24:39.099 --> 00:24:42.140 And I began doing what everyone else did in academia, 00:24:42.299 --> 00:24:45.819 right? And the saddest part, I think, in all 00:24:45.819 --> 00:24:48.619 this is that I had forgotten why I had pursued 00:24:48.619 --> 00:24:54.319 this path in the first place. Why I even went 00:24:54.319 --> 00:24:56.920 after a PhD and trying to be a professor, right? 00:24:56.980 --> 00:25:01.880 Like, you know. Like I said, I was told to avoid 00:25:01.880 --> 00:25:04.500 this at all costs, right? And I had risked so 00:25:04.500 --> 00:25:09.480 much to pursue it because I genuinely loved studying 00:25:09.480 --> 00:25:12.380 philosophy. Like it brought me joy to exercise 00:25:12.380 --> 00:25:15.910 my mind in that way. in learning and thinking 00:25:15.910 --> 00:25:18.769 and critiquing established theories and trying 00:25:18.769 --> 00:25:20.690 out new ideas. I mean, philosophy was like a 00:25:20.690 --> 00:25:23.250 playground for people who just likes to try out 00:25:23.250 --> 00:25:26.490 crazy ideas and go as far as they want with it, 00:25:26.569 --> 00:25:28.670 even if at the end of the day, they just walk 00:25:28.670 --> 00:25:30.089 it back and they're like, it's not going to work, 00:25:30.190 --> 00:25:32.369 right? But philosophy, I love that philosophy 00:25:32.369 --> 00:25:36.170 gave me that freedom to think outside the box 00:25:36.170 --> 00:25:40.349 and then try a new, a different angle in analyzing 00:25:40.349 --> 00:25:47.700 some problem. But, you know, I got so wrapped 00:25:47.700 --> 00:25:51.759 up in playing this game that I just really, it's 00:25:51.759 --> 00:25:55.160 almost like, you know, like when you take on 00:25:55.160 --> 00:25:57.900 a job and it's something that you love, but then 00:25:57.900 --> 00:25:59.759 you get so wrapped up in the job part that you 00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:01.920 stop loving it the way that you used to. Like, 00:26:01.960 --> 00:26:04.559 that's kind of what it felt like, right? And 00:26:04.559 --> 00:26:12.759 I wouldn't really regain any of that, any of 00:26:12.759 --> 00:26:17.029 my true self, right? That kind of like the deepest 00:26:17.029 --> 00:26:19.789 core of kind of like who I am, how I, you know, 00:26:19.789 --> 00:26:22.630 how I was raised and like what really mattered 00:26:22.630 --> 00:26:25.369 to me. I didn't really get to really live out 00:26:25.369 --> 00:26:30.069 that part of me until years into my career at 00:26:30.069 --> 00:26:32.769 Pasadena City College. So I would say it started 00:26:32.769 --> 00:26:35.170 maybe like just a few years ago. Right. This 00:26:35.170 --> 00:26:38.890 is right now at 2025. Right. I mean, I've been 00:26:38.890 --> 00:26:42.440 at PCC for years now. Even after I got tenured, 00:26:42.500 --> 00:26:46.940 it didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. You'd 00:26:46.940 --> 00:26:49.099 think that having some job security that I wouldn't 00:26:49.099 --> 00:26:52.539 feel a need to pretend, but you can't just turn 00:26:52.539 --> 00:26:54.599 off the acting. If you've been doing it for so 00:26:54.599 --> 00:26:57.059 long, it's hard to just turn it off. It just 00:26:57.059 --> 00:26:59.579 kind of comes naturally. You do it without even 00:26:59.579 --> 00:27:02.660 realizing you're doing it. But I think there 00:27:02.660 --> 00:27:04.119 was one thing that kind of helped me more than 00:27:04.119 --> 00:27:07.859 anything. I think one of the things that helped 00:27:07.859 --> 00:27:11.670 were finding faculty. alongside me who kind of 00:27:11.670 --> 00:27:15.069 just the older faculty who've been there for 00:27:15.069 --> 00:27:18.910 a while who kind of realized right at some point 00:27:18.910 --> 00:27:22.130 for themselves that they wanted to focus on things 00:27:22.130 --> 00:27:23.690 that actually mattered to them and they felt 00:27:23.690 --> 00:27:25.329 this freedom and I was always kind of like oh 00:27:25.329 --> 00:27:27.829 man I wish I could do that myself right but there 00:27:27.829 --> 00:27:29.410 was something else that actually really helped 00:27:29.410 --> 00:27:32.710 me when I reflect on this I didn't think much 00:27:32.710 --> 00:27:36.230 of it at the time but I do remember that even 00:27:36.230 --> 00:27:38.430 in my first semester teaching at Pasadena City 00:27:38.430 --> 00:27:41.740 College I had older students in my class. I mean, 00:27:41.759 --> 00:27:44.420 I'm talking like 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, right? I 00:27:44.420 --> 00:27:46.000 mean, my first semester, that's when I had my 00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:50.420 daughter. That was my first child, right? It 00:27:50.420 --> 00:27:52.920 was the students that were giving me life advice. 00:27:53.339 --> 00:27:55.119 Because I had some older students in there that 00:27:55.119 --> 00:27:57.079 were like parents and they're all full grown. 00:27:57.259 --> 00:28:00.319 And, you know, they're, you know, really supportive 00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:02.960 and trying to give me guidance and all these 00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:05.000 things that come with having a kid and raising 00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.480 a family. But it was really the older students 00:28:09.480 --> 00:28:11.859 that I encountered that I really loved having 00:28:11.859 --> 00:28:13.779 them in my class. I just didn't experience it 00:28:13.779 --> 00:28:16.180 when I was teaching at the four -year colleges 00:28:16.180 --> 00:28:20.019 because you really don't get as many of them 00:28:20.019 --> 00:28:23.440 there for sure. So one of the joys for me at 00:28:23.440 --> 00:28:25.740 teaching at a community college were these older 00:28:25.740 --> 00:28:29.480 adults that have already gone through life, that 00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:32.319 have done the struggle in supporting themselves 00:28:32.319 --> 00:28:35.299 and their family. They've seen so much of life's 00:28:35.299 --> 00:28:39.599 ups and downs. now has the opportunity to kind 00:28:39.599 --> 00:28:41.519 of take a step back and return to school for, 00:28:41.619 --> 00:28:43.859 at least in part, for the love of learning, right? 00:28:45.339 --> 00:28:47.680 And when I see them, I would see, I would just 00:28:47.680 --> 00:28:49.339 be reminded of the younger version of myself. 00:28:49.859 --> 00:28:54.539 The one that, you know, was so in love with studying 00:28:54.539 --> 00:28:57.640 philosophy that I would just try to rope fellow 00:28:57.640 --> 00:29:00.240 students in. I remember at UCLA, I would just 00:29:00.240 --> 00:29:02.400 try to rope students into like impromptu discussions 00:29:02.400 --> 00:29:06.079 of like... crazy topics of radical skepticism 00:29:06.079 --> 00:29:11.359 and moral nihilism, right? I was reminded of 00:29:11.359 --> 00:29:14.359 a time before I was concerned about job prospects 00:29:14.359 --> 00:29:17.819 and, you know, running the rat race to try to 00:29:17.819 --> 00:29:19.420 do all the research to get a job, right? Like 00:29:19.420 --> 00:29:21.559 all that stuff, like promoting myself and all 00:29:21.559 --> 00:29:22.920 that. Like there was a time before then when 00:29:22.920 --> 00:29:24.759 I was just a student who just loved learning, 00:29:24.819 --> 00:29:28.079 right? And now I had these students who are in 00:29:28.079 --> 00:29:31.380 their, you know, like in their later years. with 00:29:31.380 --> 00:29:33.500 free time because their children are all grown 00:29:33.500 --> 00:29:35.920 up and off in college and or beyond they're like 00:29:35.920 --> 00:29:38.420 full -grown adults themselves um they're wanting 00:29:38.420 --> 00:29:41.180 to take courses that actually interest them right 00:29:41.180 --> 00:29:44.119 and these are even i mean some of these Adults 00:29:44.119 --> 00:29:45.779 were like no doubt taking courses as part of 00:29:45.779 --> 00:29:48.339 like a career change, right? But their approach 00:29:48.339 --> 00:29:51.839 to learning was very different because even though 00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:53.500 they're taking like general education classes, 00:29:53.579 --> 00:29:55.160 they weren't going to waste time on classes they 00:29:55.160 --> 00:29:57.259 weren't interested in. So when they took my class, 00:29:57.359 --> 00:29:59.220 it was because they read the description. They're 00:29:59.220 --> 00:30:00.799 like, oh, this actually sounds interesting. I 00:30:00.799 --> 00:30:02.660 actually want to learn it. So when they come 00:30:02.660 --> 00:30:06.359 into class, they're asking questions, like genuine 00:30:06.359 --> 00:30:08.640 questions that are coming from their own, you 00:30:08.640 --> 00:30:14.579 know, interests, right? Learning wasn't given 00:30:14.579 --> 00:30:16.900 for them this whole time because of all the things 00:30:16.900 --> 00:30:19.019 that life threw at them. So like they really 00:30:19.019 --> 00:30:23.160 not only were, was taking the education seriously 00:30:23.160 --> 00:30:24.839 in the sense of like picking the things that 00:30:24.839 --> 00:30:26.119 they wanted to learn, but like when they were 00:30:26.119 --> 00:30:30.059 in there, they just cherished that moment, right? 00:30:30.140 --> 00:30:33.400 That opportunity to learn. And so like. Even 00:30:33.400 --> 00:30:35.079 though, yeah, they might have needed a degree 00:30:35.079 --> 00:30:38.619 to get a job, that wasn't the thing that was 00:30:38.619 --> 00:30:40.660 driving them. They were there to really learn. 00:30:40.920 --> 00:30:43.799 And that's what was so inspiring, right? That's 00:30:43.799 --> 00:30:47.980 what kind of took me back to the old days when 00:30:47.980 --> 00:30:50.920 I was like that and I had kind of missed it, 00:30:50.960 --> 00:30:55.859 right? I think maybe it's because education has 00:30:55.859 --> 00:30:58.279 become so, I don't know what the word for it 00:30:58.279 --> 00:31:02.460 is, is like, you know, part of like the... you 00:31:02.460 --> 00:31:05.420 know, capitalistic marketplace or something like 00:31:05.420 --> 00:31:08.279 people seem to view a degree as a means to an 00:31:08.279 --> 00:31:12.480 end. And too many don't like kind of sit down 00:31:12.480 --> 00:31:14.319 and just enjoy the learning part of it. There's 00:31:14.319 --> 00:31:15.559 every once in a while you get a student that 00:31:15.559 --> 00:31:18.059 does so, but I don't know if it's like the life 00:31:18.059 --> 00:31:20.500 pressure, but I see more and more students that 00:31:20.500 --> 00:31:23.720 come into a college class and they treat the 00:31:23.720 --> 00:31:26.660 class. It happens less so at a community college. 00:31:26.720 --> 00:31:28.180 It happens more so at these four -year colleges. 00:31:28.279 --> 00:31:31.099 But they treat a class as a means to an end. 00:31:31.200 --> 00:31:35.180 And so as a result, it just feels like some service 00:31:35.180 --> 00:31:37.000 I'm providing. It feels like a business exchange, 00:31:37.299 --> 00:31:40.880 right? It doesn't feel like we're here to just 00:31:40.880 --> 00:31:43.200 learn and talk about some interesting stuff together 00:31:43.200 --> 00:31:48.700 and grow as a community. But with these older 00:31:48.700 --> 00:31:52.599 students, I just always would get the sense like, 00:31:52.660 --> 00:31:55.380 oh, yeah, they're actually trying to learn. And 00:31:55.380 --> 00:31:58.339 they're just actually finding joy in it because 00:31:58.339 --> 00:32:00.380 they're not worried about all the other stuff. 00:32:00.440 --> 00:32:02.980 They've got the other stuff in life locked down. 00:32:03.059 --> 00:32:06.079 They've gone through it all. They're here for 00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:09.660 the learning, right? And they're enjoying that 00:32:09.660 --> 00:32:13.960 experience, right? So it's like seeing them go 00:32:13.960 --> 00:32:18.160 through it, I'm regaining, as I engage with more 00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:19.420 and more of these things, I'm regaining that 00:32:19.420 --> 00:32:23.460 same joy. And the craziest thing happened, right? 00:32:23.500 --> 00:32:27.779 As a result of kind of experiencing that joy 00:32:27.779 --> 00:32:30.480 of learning with them, I'm also regaining the 00:32:30.480 --> 00:32:33.440 joy in teaching as well, right? Because here's 00:32:33.440 --> 00:32:35.160 the thing, right? Like for the longest time, 00:32:35.339 --> 00:32:39.819 teaching was a passion of mine. I enjoyed it 00:32:39.819 --> 00:32:41.759 because I enjoyed engaging in discussions with 00:32:41.759 --> 00:32:43.880 people. And I also enjoyed the craft of teaching. 00:32:44.180 --> 00:32:47.480 But that also got stripped away when... You know, 00:32:47.480 --> 00:32:50.299 all the job stuff and the worrying about future 00:32:50.299 --> 00:32:52.319 prospects and things like that, like that all 00:32:52.319 --> 00:32:57.079 muddied up what was fun about teaching. You know, 00:32:57.079 --> 00:32:59.339 I remember there was a time when I was just so 00:32:59.339 --> 00:33:05.640 stressed about students and, you know, faculty 00:33:05.640 --> 00:33:08.000 evaluation scores of my teaching. Right. Because 00:33:08.000 --> 00:33:11.349 that was part of my. You know, teaching fellowship 00:33:11.349 --> 00:33:14.450 was also part of my teaching development. And 00:33:14.450 --> 00:33:16.829 it's also in my contract. And I have to get this 00:33:16.829 --> 00:33:20.170 done every, you know, so often, get my teaching 00:33:20.170 --> 00:33:24.289 evaluated. And, you know, so I felt a need to, 00:33:24.369 --> 00:33:28.130 again, act in a certain way. It was like I was 00:33:28.130 --> 00:33:31.150 performing a little play, a little show so that 00:33:31.150 --> 00:33:34.509 I get the right sort of reaction so that I get 00:33:34.509 --> 00:33:36.829 the right review so that it helps my career, 00:33:36.950 --> 00:33:40.519 right? All that just takes away from the joy 00:33:40.519 --> 00:33:44.180 of teaching, right? And it's honestly nothing 00:33:44.180 --> 00:33:46.880 that I would care about. I couldn't care less 00:33:46.880 --> 00:33:50.099 about these evaluations, except, like, I was 00:33:50.099 --> 00:33:52.079 told that these evaluations actually matter for 00:33:52.079 --> 00:33:53.640 employment. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, now 00:33:53.640 --> 00:33:56.700 I have to actually, you know, focus on how people 00:33:56.700 --> 00:34:00.819 receive it. But then I just hated having to do 00:34:00.819 --> 00:34:03.579 that performance, but I did it anyway because 00:34:03.579 --> 00:34:07.240 it was tied to my future employment, right? You 00:34:07.240 --> 00:34:11.059 know, because all these things that were a concern 00:34:11.059 --> 00:34:14.400 before about getting a job were things that I 00:34:14.400 --> 00:34:16.980 had realized, like, I could start to let go of 00:34:16.980 --> 00:34:21.579 now. I got to be more of who I really was. And 00:34:21.579 --> 00:34:24.880 when it comes to teaching, I was more like that 00:34:24.880 --> 00:34:27.980 teacher that I saw, right? The one that I, you 00:34:27.980 --> 00:34:30.099 know, said, like, showed up to class in, like, 00:34:30.159 --> 00:34:32.239 T -shirt and board shorts and flip -flops. I 00:34:32.239 --> 00:34:34.860 mean, that's how I show up to class. I don't 00:34:34.860 --> 00:34:38.000 dress up. I'm not trying to be in a position 00:34:38.000 --> 00:34:41.219 of authority. I want to get down to the level 00:34:41.219 --> 00:34:44.539 of where the students are at. And I want to just 00:34:44.539 --> 00:34:46.619 introduce some topics and then have some real 00:34:46.619 --> 00:34:49.300 conversations and explore them together, right? 00:34:50.139 --> 00:34:53.900 I want to learn and grow just as much as they 00:34:53.900 --> 00:34:56.579 want to learn through our conversations. And 00:34:56.579 --> 00:34:59.699 I'm not looking to be in a position of authority 00:34:59.699 --> 00:35:03.309 trying to tell them what to think. Rather, I 00:35:03.309 --> 00:35:06.070 want it to be like a mutual challenging each 00:35:06.070 --> 00:35:08.590 other to continue to expand our understanding 00:35:08.590 --> 00:35:13.210 of whatever it is we're discussing. And the best 00:35:13.210 --> 00:35:16.469 part in teaching is when I'm able to let my guard 00:35:16.469 --> 00:35:19.130 down in this way, when I'm not concerned with... 00:35:19.480 --> 00:35:22.139 evaluations, when I'm not concerned with how 00:35:22.139 --> 00:35:24.960 this is going to impact my job, when I'm not 00:35:24.960 --> 00:35:27.119 concerned with am I going to be critiqued by 00:35:27.119 --> 00:35:31.199 a colleague for the way that I teach, or I'm 00:35:31.199 --> 00:35:32.860 not concerned about am I going to get a complaint 00:35:32.860 --> 00:35:36.039 about the way that I teach, when I'm just able 00:35:36.039 --> 00:35:40.739 to be myself in the classroom and just engage 00:35:40.739 --> 00:35:44.739 in the deeper, more meaningful discussions that 00:35:44.739 --> 00:35:47.619 I want to have with you, the person that's in 00:35:47.619 --> 00:35:50.420 front of me. You know, that space without titles, 00:35:50.500 --> 00:35:54.079 without hierarchy, with nothing else but the 00:35:54.079 --> 00:35:55.780 common goal of just the pursuit of knowledge. 00:35:58.460 --> 00:36:01.320 You know, I guess it's correct to say that I'm 00:36:01.320 --> 00:36:04.980 in a I don't give a fuck mode. But I think what's 00:36:04.980 --> 00:36:06.579 probably more accurate is to say I don't give 00:36:06.579 --> 00:36:08.619 a fuck about all the things that have always 00:36:08.619 --> 00:36:11.360 been pretty meaningless to me when it comes to 00:36:11.360 --> 00:36:15.000 learning and teaching, right? The only thing 00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:19.210 that I ever felt as... felt was meaningful was 00:36:19.210 --> 00:36:23.730 just learning and being in community with others 00:36:23.730 --> 00:36:27.570 and doing so. I also cared about opening doors 00:36:27.570 --> 00:36:29.650 for others in the way that others have done for 00:36:29.650 --> 00:36:31.969 me. These are the things I cared about. Most 00:36:31.969 --> 00:36:37.150 things in life I honestly don't care about. Latest 00:36:37.150 --> 00:36:42.269 trends, what's popular, I care less. There's 00:36:42.269 --> 00:36:44.809 just too many things in life I honestly just 00:36:44.809 --> 00:36:46.969 don't care about. I just find zero meaning in. 00:36:47.369 --> 00:36:52.070 Right. There's only a few things, but it just 00:36:52.070 --> 00:36:54.550 feels like when I reflect back on it, it just 00:36:54.550 --> 00:36:57.130 feels like life often adds all this bullshit 00:36:57.130 --> 00:37:02.250 that takes me away from what is meaningful. Right. 00:37:02.309 --> 00:37:06.329 Things like I need to make money. I need to schmooze 00:37:06.329 --> 00:37:08.690 to get a job. I need to make a name for myself 00:37:08.690 --> 00:37:11.130 and need to dress up in a certain way to be taken 00:37:11.130 --> 00:37:14.219 seriously. Right. none of this stuff ever mattered 00:37:14.219 --> 00:37:16.719 to me, but I got wrapped up in it because I felt 00:37:16.719 --> 00:37:19.679 like I had to become something I'm not to get 00:37:19.679 --> 00:37:23.320 an invitation to the party. And in that pursuit, 00:37:23.500 --> 00:37:26.179 it's like I stripped all the meaning away from 00:37:26.179 --> 00:37:31.059 my own life. I mean, let me kind of restate that 00:37:31.059 --> 00:37:38.320 here. I, me, I stripped myself of the meaning 00:37:38.320 --> 00:37:44.170 from my own life. I did this to me. Right. It's 00:37:44.170 --> 00:37:47.389 like because I was pretending and getting caught 00:37:47.389 --> 00:37:51.730 up in a rat race and not taking a step back to 00:37:51.730 --> 00:37:55.829 really kind of sit with what actually mattered 00:37:55.829 --> 00:38:01.590 to me. Right. Because I was so busy just doing 00:38:01.590 --> 00:38:03.929 things that I thought that I had to do to get 00:38:03.929 --> 00:38:07.230 where I needed to get, because I was so focused 00:38:07.230 --> 00:38:10.409 on achieving the goal, no matter how it is that 00:38:10.409 --> 00:38:16.210 I got there. That I took away the meaningfulness 00:38:16.210 --> 00:38:20.250 from my own life. Like, I did that to myself. 00:38:21.250 --> 00:38:25.349 By focusing my attention on the other shit. That 00:38:25.349 --> 00:38:30.610 really didn't matter to me. So, here's the thing. 00:38:30.650 --> 00:38:34.369 From here on out, my desire for myself is to 00:38:34.369 --> 00:38:39.090 live in one way and one way only. To try to start 00:38:39.090 --> 00:38:43.360 honoring myself. my truest self, who I really 00:38:43.360 --> 00:38:47.340 am, by giving my life the meaning it once had 00:38:47.340 --> 00:38:51.179 and never depriving myself of what matters most 00:38:51.179 --> 00:38:56.179 to me. And I hope that if there's anything I 00:38:56.179 --> 00:39:00.820 learned from my students is this one thing and 00:39:00.820 --> 00:39:04.340 that I could hold on to it and not get caught 00:39:04.340 --> 00:39:07.019 up in the rat race again, not get caught up in 00:39:07.019 --> 00:39:10.489 the pursuit of all this other shit that... I 00:39:10.489 --> 00:39:14.550 tell myself is important to care about. Because 00:39:14.550 --> 00:39:18.030 the truth is, I really don't care. And I hope 00:39:18.030 --> 00:39:19.570 that I could acknowledge that for myself, because 00:39:19.570 --> 00:39:23.110 that's honestly the best way to care for myself 00:39:23.110 --> 00:39:26.969 and to let myself live the way that I honestly 00:39:26.969 --> 00:39:28.030 really want to live.