um maybe it's my uh father's influence but uh
i was always taught to be to find gratitude and
everything and uh though i hated my dad the topic
for another day and wanted to ignore or question
everything he ever told me um i didn't have a
good sense that i was lucky to have gotten as
far as i have um which honestly where i ended
up where i'm at now it really shouldn't have
happened um my parents were immigrants low income
Lots of fighting in the home, usually over money,
but often over other things as well. My parents
weren't really educated. My dad technically went
to theology school in Korea, but I questioned
the rigor of the program based off of everything
I've heard. My mom went to junior college in
Korea for nursing, but it's different than community
college here now for nursing because she wasn't
learning anything like that you would associate
with nursing today. She was just learning how
to change bedpans and give sponge baths and nothing
really more. So getting into UCLA, a competitive
school, was not something you would have bet
on, let alone eventually getting up to a PhD
in philosophy, which is by many metrics one of
the more competitive graduate programs, especially
in the humanities. Then getting an actual tenure
track job, like that's nearly impossible. Like
chances of all this happening, given my background,
I'd probably give it less than 1%. And that's
probably being generous. My parents always attributed
all this to God's divine intervention. But me,
I was aware of how many times my life trajectory
could have gone in a very different direction.
I'm still remember like in 10th grade, I could
have gotten more than a suspension for possession
of stolen goods. There was at least several times
I could have been caught for shoplifting and
had a criminal record and gone to juvenile hall.
I know that they wouldn't have let me off all
that easy given the value of the things I was
stealing. So, you know, I've been reckless when
driving. There were several times where I probably
could have died in a car accident because I like
to try to push, especially in high school. the
car to the limit. In high school, my geometry
and Spanish teacher were extremely supportive
and helped me to get leadership positions. In
college, I acted the fool. I remember once the
resident assistants had to pull me over and had
to talk into me. And instead of filing a bunch
of paperwork, it became a whole thing because
I was saying and doing pretty outlandish things
to other students. It could have landed me in
some real trouble. It could have gone on certain
records that would have eliminated me from being
selected for various programs. But instead, you
know, she just trusted that I was actually good
inside or something and then just had a talking
to and thought that would address it. And I got
selected for various programs at UCLA by supervisors
who had no idea what they were getting themselves
into. both the Student Health Advocate Program
and the Orientation Program. The Orientation
Program was wild. I actually thought that first
year I was there, I had done some really offensive
stuff. I had also once, with a fellow counselor,
shut down the entire internet in the dorms during
orientation because we try to pull a fast one
in. hook up an extra router to give our students
an edge so that we could hook up more computers
and get them enrolled in their classes before
the other students got to. That supervisor for
the orientation program who knew all this, all
this dumb shit that I did, she's the one who
wrote a glowing recommendation on my behalf that
got me a free ride. to Boston University for
a master's program there. And I can tell you
this, that it was her letter because they actually
told me during the phone conversation when they
said that I got this scholarship that it was
her letter that really impressed them and made
them go with me as the scholarship candidate.
My goodness. I mean, I honestly would not have
gone to that university if I didn't get that
financial support because it was way too expensive
and I could not justify. going there without
that money. I honestly have no idea how I got
into a PhD program. The acceptance rate on average,
I think around that time was 2 % for any of the
programs worth applying to. And the advice I
got was if you don't get into one of the top
like 40, 50 PhD programs in the country, then
just don't bother because you're just not going
to get a job if you don't, you know, get a PhD
from one of these places. And so It was very
low acceptance rate. I actually applied to like,
oh my goodness, I think it was like 30 places,
hoping to get into just one. And luckily I did
get into at least one. My dissertation advisor
probably left me off the hook because I honestly
did not think much of my own dissertation. I
thought it was lacking, that it was insufficient.
But I do wonder, maybe he went a little easy
on me because by then I had already landed this
teaching fellowship at Villanova. But that program
required that I finish my PhD before I start
in the fall, which means that like if I wonder
if he felt a little pressure to just like make
sure I got that degree so that I didn't lose
this opportunity. And at Villanova, they supported
me in developing my teaching and research, like
both monetarily, allowing me to like, you know,
go on these to these conferences and to certain.
programs to help me develop my teaching a bit
more. But they also had like an in -house instructor
development program that I thought was amazing.
And later I found out that there were individuals
advocating for me during my application process
at Pasadena City College, right? People who have
really pushed for me so that I landed that job.
I didn't know any of them. They just saw something
in me that I don't think I necessarily deserved
it. I'm sure there were other candidates that
were just as worthy. I'm pointing all this out
for a reason. I was lucky. The chances of me
getting to where I'm at now, in my mind, it's
fairly low probability. I know without a doubt
that I got as far as I did because I just happened
to have... The right people opened doors for
me at the right time, every step of the way.
And also on top of that, I got away with a lot
of stuff that I could have definitely been caught
for and changed my life trajectory in a very
different way. There's no way that I move forward
the way I did without them. And recognizing this
truth meant both... That I feel a deep sense
of gratitude, but I also feel to some degree
that I don't belong. And you see, like every
time I got to the quote unquote next level, right?
So going from like, you know, high school degree
to a bachelor's degree to a master's to a doctorate,
right? Every step of the way, I knew that I probably
didn't have the same background as the people
next to me. And it became more kind of... explicit
the higher up I went all right because let's
be honest philosophy is something you pursue
because you're passionate about it not when you're
looking for stable work not when you're concerned
with making ends meet right I remember the advice
I was given by my mentor when I was at UCLA was
uh you know he said don't even bother applying
to a PhD program like try to find something else
right the chances were low to getting accepted
anyways because you'd you know You have no job
prospect unless you're accepted to one of the
more competitive programs. And the competitive
programs, like I said, was like 2 % acceptance
rate on average, right? You probably won't get
good financial support even if you get accepted.
So, you know, getting accepted is one thing,
but then getting accepted with some financial
package that they can guarantee you, that was
a question mark. It's also, so it's not worth
pursuing unless you... Don't have to take out
loans for six or seven years. That's a long time
for them to kind of financially support you.
Even if you do get in with that financial support,
right, there's also a 50 % chance you probably
won't even complete the program. So the 2 % is
just getting accepted, right? Like half of the
students don't seem to even finish the program.
A large chunk of the PhD students quit before
then for various reasons. A large chunk of them,
from what I was told. This was me as an undergrad,
kind of not knowing, but my mentor was pretty
honest about it because he wanted me to be clear
-eyed in making the decision instead of doing
it from a place of distorted reality or something.
So a large chunk of the PhD students were probably
suffering from severe depression or anxiety or
both, right? Many of them probably resorting
to heavy smoking and drinking. And on top of
that, you're going to be super stressed because
you're probably not going to get a job in academia
once you finish. Because there's just not that
many positions out there, right? So if there's
anything that I had an interest in other than
philosophy, anything else in life that would
keep me satisfied, happy, he told me pursue that
instead. Just don't bother with philosophy. And
it was honest and good advice. Like everything
he said to me was from my experience and from
everything I've seen is more or less on the dot.
Some things might have changed over the years,
but a lot of this is true, at least when it comes
to the competitiveness and acceptance, but also
that you need to get into one of these more competitive
programs, and funding is not always guaranteed,
and the job prospects are just horrible. These
all still remain true. So I actually give the
same advice to my students who are thinking about
going to graduate school, right? Unless I see
some particular reason that I should really push
for them to go for it. There are a few cases
where I've seen students where they have the
clear potential. They're already a cut above
everyone else and doing graduate work already
to some degree, at least in terms of their writing
and research. Like, rarely do I... tell a student,
like, just go for it, right? Like, I would give
them the reality and then let them know how daunting
and hard it is. Because, like, just because I
made it to where I'm at doesn't mean that another
person is going to. Because, again, I acknowledge
the amount of luck that probably went into my
getting to where I got. I soon realized that,
you know, Like I said, I know the chances of
my getting all the way, given my own personal
background, was very unlikely that I got to where
I was. And I think it became even more clear
as I started the PhD program and I'm hanging
around all these graduate schools. I mean, I
had a sense of it during the master's program,
but the master's program is kind of weird because
it was in theology and some of them were coming
from, you know, it was a different kind of program.
It wasn't as competitive. A lot of them were
there. for vocational reasons, right? These are
people who are going into the ministry. Half
of the students weren't. They were going into
academia. But because there were so many students
that were going there for vocational reasons,
it was a very different kind of mix. But I think
in the PhD program, it became very clear to me
that I was not the norm, right? You know, I think
most of the people who made it up to the PhD
program tended to be middle to upper class. come
from middle to upper class family, probably well
educated. And let's be honest, philosophy at
the time that I was going overwhelmingly was
dominated by white males. That's just how it
was for a lot of different reasons. And I know
that they've done a lot to try to address this
issue and to root out any sort of biases that
are contributing to it. But that's just how it
was when I was in graduate school. I didn't know
the exact reason, but I do know that academic
philosophy has in the past, you know, kind of
protected a certain way about doing things that
kind of, how do I put this? It's like, it was
kind of like an old boys club. So it's hard to
see major changes happen, I think, anytime soon,
in part because new faculty comes up only when
the old guard kind of retires or dies, and that's
just not happening very quickly. And that was
just the reality. I felt it at every place I've
been to, whether it was UCLA, Villanova, UC Santa
Barbara. When I was at Boston University, I mean,
Boston is like, right? old, old, uh, old money,
uh, crew. Like you just saw a lot of, um, you
just saw a lot of that same sort of, uh, demographic.
Um, it's not a criticism. I'm just letting you
know that this is just what I experienced. Um,
I remember, um, I remember my partner at the
time telling me, uh, when we're dating that I
sounded like an old white man. And I did sound
like an old white man because that's what I was
surrounded by. It made a lot of sense. I mean,
I think it made more sense to her when she finally
hung out with my professors and fellow grad students.
Because she was like, she was trying to figure
out, like, why do you not speak like my friends
and like just normal working folk, right? Like,
why do you sound so weird and different? And
she hung out with them. It's like, oh, my goodness,
you sound like they all sound like very similar.
Y 'all talk in the same way. All right. Y 'all
have the same mannerisms and the same sort of.
way of intellectualizing things, very head heavy.
Right. And I was like, yeah, that's kind of how
we all are. Um, and what's crazy is that, you
know, it was, it was kind of like a weird switch
that happened. Right. So like when she sees me
hanging out with friends, like from college,
like just fellow buddies. Right. I didn't sound
anything like that. Right. It was like, I, it
was almost as though I switched my speech pattern
when I was hanging out in that academic circle.
At the time, I really never thought much of it.
I'd been doing it for so long. But the reality
was I was, I don't know what the word used nowadays
would be, like code switching, right? I was in
some sense pretending in speech and mannerisms
and the things I talked about. I was doing all
the things that I needed to do to fit in. And
it was a world that was honestly foreign to me.
I mean, a decent number of the faculty at these
colleges had like annual like tickets to the
opera or symphony. I only got to go to the symphony
when I was in Boston because they had some cheap
pass for students where they could get in to
these like leftover seats if there were any available.
You just kind of had to like reserve them on
the day of. get exactly what that program was
called. But I got to, I mean, I love the symphony,
but I couldn't afford it, right? It's expensive.
The fact that they actually went out of their
way to get tickets to go regularly, right? That's
just not the crowd I'm used to like rolling with,
right? A few of the younger faculty might've
listened to like punk rock or something, but
I didn't know any faculty member that was steeped
deep in hip hop culture. most of their references
to art or culture went completely over my head.
At least at UCLA and UC Santa Barbara, I could
connect with the faculty on some Cali shit. When
I sat in a class, I remember before I decided
on what PhD program to go to, I visited UC Santa
Barbara and I got to sit in a class with one
of the professors. That professor... Showed up
to the class in T -shirt and board shorts and
flip -flops, and I was like, yeah, Cali to the
core, right? Like, this guy must have surfed
back in the days, right? You know, it was just
that vibe. Villanova was a whole different story,
right? The faculty there were all dressed by
title, and everyone dressed up, like, to the
T to teach. Like, I mean, they full -on tie and,
you know, suit and everything, right? I did what
I did to try to fit in, right? So I dressed similarly,
but I honestly, like, that... That was super
uncomfortable for me. That was not at all who
I am. The point is that because of my own background,
the higher the education, the wealthier or more
educated the circle, the more I felt out of place.
The more I felt like I had to be someone that
I really wasn't just so that I could fit in.
And here's the thing. Generally, I'm the kind
of person who just doesn't give a fuck about
what other people think. I just like doing my
own thing. But I will act differently if it actually
impacts the bottom line, right? Like my chances
of getting a job or keeping it. And essentially,
like whether I knew it or not, like explicitly
in my head, like what I was essentially doing
was playing that game, like playing that part.
I was acting and I was doing it knowing that
I had to do it. Because this is the game that's
played. This is how you get to that place where
you could land a job. Just like you would dress
up for an interview. That's exactly how it was.
Except I was having to do that every day as I
was going to grad school. And when you keep it
up for long enough, then it just becomes so natural
and easy to just switch into that mode. You just
naturally move in and out. Talking a certain
way, talking about certain things. you know,
dressing a certain way, presenting yourself in
a certain way, right? But what's crazy is that
if you pretend for long enough, you can't help
but kind of become the thing that you're pretending
so hard to be. You get so wrapped up in that
character, in that role you're playing, and academia
has its own little culture. And I got wrapped
up in it, like, so fast, right? A lot of it was
the pressure of getting a job, but I mean...
It wasn't just that, like there's a kind of culture
that you get sucked into, right? Academia is
extremely competitive, right? It's almost like
a place where at least, I don't know about other
fields, maybe it's different in other fields,
but at least in philosophy, right? It's often
competitive and it makes sense. Like I said,
it's extremely competitive to get into a program,
to finish the program. Like there's just, it's
just a very difficult route to go. But like I
said about the job situation, right? There's
just not a lot of jobs. Because everybody's fighting
for these few positions, right? Everyone just
starts getting super competitive. Like it's just
a situation that lends people to be this way.
Everyone is fighting for attention to show that
their research is somehow worthy of consideration
or it's contributing something meaningful to
humanity, right? And when you add the job market
prospects, right, then all that competitiveness
just gets exacerbated and you start feeling a
need to kind of promote yourself or your research,
right? Oh, the self -promotion, like I hated
it so much, but then I also felt like I had to
do it myself. Right. I always held onto this
ideal that people should just naturally be interested
in your work. And if they're not, then they're
just not in this. Okay. And I shouldn't have
to try to sell it. But of course, like without
putting yourself out there and demonstrating
the significance of what you're doing. people
are not going to give you that look, that chance
to land that job, right? So I'm not going to
lie. I got caught up in this mess. I started
acting and speaking and promoting myself in ways
that deep down I really didn't want to. I think
at the time I even created like one of those
personal websites that all these other philosophers
did, like all these other academics did. And
I was like, oh. I can't believe I have to do
this. Like, I feel so gross promoting myself.
But I did it because I felt like I had to. In
the least, I tried to fake it till I made it,
right? And then maybe then I can make some different
decisions. But the truth was, I didn't feel like
anything special, right? Like I said, I know.
that I wasn't anything particularly special.
Like I didn't feel like my work was anything
significant. I didn't feel like I was the best
at my craft or, you know, somehow better or more
impressive than the person next to me. I mean,
by the time I was working on my PhD, I mean,
I encountered way too many grad students and
way too many professors that was, they were on
a different level, right? Like at each step,
I felt like my ego was getting checked by people
who were that much better than me. you know,
they were more knowledgeable, more insightful,
more creative, more skilled, more everything,
right? And I didn't necessarily attribute it
to any like God -given innate ability, right?
I just knew that they had had opportunities to
develop, whether it was the time in the field
or something about their background, that they
had time to just like hone their craft in ways
that I just didn't, right? I mean, I was well
aware at the time of, you know, statistics on
you know, education that shows like, you know,
like how much better of a vocabulary you have
at the earliest age when it probably gives you
the biggest, right, bump. If you have parents
who are highly educated and, you know, just naturally
use big words, right? I had parents who didn't
speak English at all. So my vocabulary just sucked.
Like it was shit, right? When I took the SATs,
I didn't know any of those words. I had to really
study for them. I think words that like, friends
who kind of came back from more uh came from
more educated uh backgrounds like parents who
spoke english at like a high level they were
just like these just seem like normal everyday
words i'm like what the fuck are you talking
about i never heard these words before right
um you know i met people who just they just had
wider exposure to you know different sort of
experiences in life, like traveling and things
like that. So they were more familiar with history
of all these countries that they visited and
so on. And it wasn't like they were trying to
do any of these things. They just had the opportunity
to learn all these things along the way, right?
So I felt, in order to keep up, I felt a need
to kind of act, to at least give the impression
that I was closer to the level that everyone
else is at than I maybe actually was. All that
acting, I just completely lost myself, right?
I didn't really speak in my own voice with my
own mannerisms, right? I didn't really, for instance,
talk about hip -hop unless there was a fellow
grad student that I knew that had some vague
interest in it. But most of these things I just
kept to myself or to a different circle of friends.
I didn't really bring up most of my own experiences
when I hung out. with the graduate and professor
crowd, right? I often didn't talk about what
was really on my mind or what I really cared
about. I just, I got too caught up in the game.
And I began doing what everyone else did in academia,
right? And the saddest part, I think, in all
this is that I had forgotten why I had pursued
this path in the first place. Why I even went
after a PhD and trying to be a professor, right?
Like, you know. Like I said, I was told to avoid
this at all costs, right? And I had risked so
much to pursue it because I genuinely loved studying
philosophy. Like it brought me joy to exercise
my mind in that way. in learning and thinking
and critiquing established theories and trying
out new ideas. I mean, philosophy was like a
playground for people who just likes to try out
crazy ideas and go as far as they want with it,
even if at the end of the day, they just walk
it back and they're like, it's not going to work,
right? But philosophy, I love that philosophy
gave me that freedom to think outside the box
and then try a new, a different angle in analyzing
some problem. But, you know, I got so wrapped
up in playing this game that I just really, it's
almost like, you know, like when you take on
a job and it's something that you love, but then
you get so wrapped up in the job part that you
stop loving it the way that you used to. Like,
that's kind of what it felt like, right? And
I wouldn't really regain any of that, any of
my true self, right? That kind of like the deepest
core of kind of like who I am, how I, you know,
how I was raised and like what really mattered
to me. I didn't really get to really live out
that part of me until years into my career at
Pasadena City College. So I would say it started
maybe like just a few years ago. Right. This
is right now at 2025. Right. I mean, I've been
at PCC for years now. Even after I got tenured,
it didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. You'd
think that having some job security that I wouldn't
feel a need to pretend, but you can't just turn
off the acting. If you've been doing it for so
long, it's hard to just turn it off. It just
kind of comes naturally. You do it without even
realizing you're doing it. But I think there
was one thing that kind of helped me more than
anything. I think one of the things that helped
were finding faculty. alongside me who kind of
just the older faculty who've been there for
a while who kind of realized right at some point
for themselves that they wanted to focus on things
that actually mattered to them and they felt
this freedom and I was always kind of like oh
man I wish I could do that myself right but there
was something else that actually really helped
me when I reflect on this I didn't think much
of it at the time but I do remember that even
in my first semester teaching at Pasadena City
College I had older students in my class. I mean,
I'm talking like 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, right? I
mean, my first semester, that's when I had my
daughter. That was my first child, right? It
was the students that were giving me life advice.
Because I had some older students in there that
were like parents and they're all full grown.
And, you know, they're, you know, really supportive
and trying to give me guidance and all these
things that come with having a kid and raising
a family. But it was really the older students
that I encountered that I really loved having
them in my class. I just didn't experience it
when I was teaching at the four -year colleges
because you really don't get as many of them
there for sure. So one of the joys for me at
teaching at a community college were these older
adults that have already gone through life, that
have done the struggle in supporting themselves
and their family. They've seen so much of life's
ups and downs. now has the opportunity to kind
of take a step back and return to school for,
at least in part, for the love of learning, right?
And when I see them, I would see, I would just
be reminded of the younger version of myself.
The one that, you know, was so in love with studying
philosophy that I would just try to rope fellow
students in. I remember at UCLA, I would just
try to rope students into like impromptu discussions
of like... crazy topics of radical skepticism
and moral nihilism, right? I was reminded of
a time before I was concerned about job prospects
and, you know, running the rat race to try to
do all the research to get a job, right? Like
all that stuff, like promoting myself and all
that. Like there was a time before then when
I was just a student who just loved learning,
right? And now I had these students who are in
their, you know, like in their later years. with
free time because their children are all grown
up and off in college and or beyond they're like
full -grown adults themselves um they're wanting
to take courses that actually interest them right
and these are even i mean some of these Adults
were like no doubt taking courses as part of
like a career change, right? But their approach
to learning was very different because even though
they're taking like general education classes,
they weren't going to waste time on classes they
weren't interested in. So when they took my class,
it was because they read the description. They're
like, oh, this actually sounds interesting. I
actually want to learn it. So when they come
into class, they're asking questions, like genuine
questions that are coming from their own, you
know, interests, right? Learning wasn't given
for them this whole time because of all the things
that life threw at them. So like they really
not only were, was taking the education seriously
in the sense of like picking the things that
they wanted to learn, but like when they were
in there, they just cherished that moment, right?
That opportunity to learn. And so like. Even
though, yeah, they might have needed a degree
to get a job, that wasn't the thing that was
driving them. They were there to really learn.
And that's what was so inspiring, right? That's
what kind of took me back to the old days when
I was like that and I had kind of missed it,
right? I think maybe it's because education has
become so, I don't know what the word for it
is, is like, you know, part of like the... you
know, capitalistic marketplace or something like
people seem to view a degree as a means to an
end. And too many don't like kind of sit down
and just enjoy the learning part of it. There's
every once in a while you get a student that
does so, but I don't know if it's like the life
pressure, but I see more and more students that
come into a college class and they treat the
class. It happens less so at a community college.
It happens more so at these four -year colleges.
But they treat a class as a means to an end.
And so as a result, it just feels like some service
I'm providing. It feels like a business exchange,
right? It doesn't feel like we're here to just
learn and talk about some interesting stuff together
and grow as a community. But with these older
students, I just always would get the sense like,
oh, yeah, they're actually trying to learn. And
they're just actually finding joy in it because
they're not worried about all the other stuff.
They've got the other stuff in life locked down.
They've gone through it all. They're here for
the learning, right? And they're enjoying that
experience, right? So it's like seeing them go
through it, I'm regaining, as I engage with more
and more of these things, I'm regaining that
same joy. And the craziest thing happened, right?
As a result of kind of experiencing that joy
of learning with them, I'm also regaining the
joy in teaching as well, right? Because here's
the thing, right? Like for the longest time,
teaching was a passion of mine. I enjoyed it
because I enjoyed engaging in discussions with
people. And I also enjoyed the craft of teaching.
But that also got stripped away when... You know,
all the job stuff and the worrying about future
prospects and things like that, like that all
muddied up what was fun about teaching. You know,
I remember there was a time when I was just so
stressed about students and, you know, faculty
evaluation scores of my teaching. Right. Because
that was part of my. You know, teaching fellowship
was also part of my teaching development. And
it's also in my contract. And I have to get this
done every, you know, so often, get my teaching
evaluated. And, you know, so I felt a need to,
again, act in a certain way. It was like I was
performing a little play, a little show so that
I get the right sort of reaction so that I get
the right review so that it helps my career,
right? All that just takes away from the joy
of teaching, right? And it's honestly nothing
that I would care about. I couldn't care less
about these evaluations, except, like, I was
told that these evaluations actually matter for
employment. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, now
I have to actually, you know, focus on how people
receive it. But then I just hated having to do
that performance, but I did it anyway because
it was tied to my future employment, right? You
know, because all these things that were a concern
before about getting a job were things that I
had realized, like, I could start to let go of
now. I got to be more of who I really was. And
when it comes to teaching, I was more like that
teacher that I saw, right? The one that I, you
know, said, like, showed up to class in, like,
T -shirt and board shorts and flip -flops. I
mean, that's how I show up to class. I don't
dress up. I'm not trying to be in a position
of authority. I want to get down to the level
of where the students are at. And I want to just
introduce some topics and then have some real
conversations and explore them together, right?
I want to learn and grow just as much as they
want to learn through our conversations. And
I'm not looking to be in a position of authority
trying to tell them what to think. Rather, I
want it to be like a mutual challenging each
other to continue to expand our understanding
of whatever it is we're discussing. And the best
part in teaching is when I'm able to let my guard
down in this way, when I'm not concerned with...
evaluations, when I'm not concerned with how
this is going to impact my job, when I'm not
concerned with am I going to be critiqued by
a colleague for the way that I teach, or I'm
not concerned about am I going to get a complaint
about the way that I teach, when I'm just able
to be myself in the classroom and just engage
in the deeper, more meaningful discussions that
I want to have with you, the person that's in
front of me. You know, that space without titles,
without hierarchy, with nothing else but the
common goal of just the pursuit of knowledge.
You know, I guess it's correct to say that I'm
in a I don't give a fuck mode. But I think what's
probably more accurate is to say I don't give
a fuck about all the things that have always
been pretty meaningless to me when it comes to
learning and teaching, right? The only thing
that I ever felt as... felt was meaningful was
just learning and being in community with others
and doing so. I also cared about opening doors
for others in the way that others have done for
me. These are the things I cared about. Most
things in life I honestly don't care about. Latest
trends, what's popular, I care less. There's
just too many things in life I honestly just
don't care about. I just find zero meaning in.
Right. There's only a few things, but it just
feels like when I reflect back on it, it just
feels like life often adds all this bullshit
that takes me away from what is meaningful. Right.
Things like I need to make money. I need to schmooze
to get a job. I need to make a name for myself
and need to dress up in a certain way to be taken
seriously. Right. none of this stuff ever mattered
to me, but I got wrapped up in it because I felt
like I had to become something I'm not to get
an invitation to the party. And in that pursuit,
it's like I stripped all the meaning away from
my own life. I mean, let me kind of restate that
here. I, me, I stripped myself of the meaning
from my own life. I did this to me. Right. It's
like because I was pretending and getting caught
up in a rat race and not taking a step back to
really kind of sit with what actually mattered
to me. Right. Because I was so busy just doing
things that I thought that I had to do to get
where I needed to get, because I was so focused
on achieving the goal, no matter how it is that
I got there. That I took away the meaningfulness
from my own life. Like, I did that to myself.
By focusing my attention on the other shit. That
really didn't matter to me. So, here's the thing.
From here on out, my desire for myself is to
live in one way and one way only. To try to start
honoring myself. my truest self, who I really
am, by giving my life the meaning it once had
and never depriving myself of what matters most
to me. And I hope that if there's anything I
learned from my students is this one thing and
that I could hold on to it and not get caught
up in the rat race again, not get caught up in
the pursuit of all this other shit that... I
tell myself is important to care about. Because
the truth is, I really don't care. And I hope
that I could acknowledge that for myself, because
that's honestly the best way to care for myself
and to let myself live the way that I honestly
really want to live.