WEBVTT 00:00:28.359 --> 00:00:32.520 When I was in junior high, I remember attending 00:00:32.520 --> 00:00:35.960 a pastor's retreat. This was something that happened 00:00:35.960 --> 00:00:38.399 every summer, sometimes in the winter, but it 00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:41.039 was mostly in the summers. Pastors and their 00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:45.719 families from my dad's church denomination, that 00:00:45.719 --> 00:00:49.759 was the Korean Presbyterian Church of America. 00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:54.359 I forget the exact name. They would often... 00:00:55.210 --> 00:00:57.710 descend on some desert hot spring at some cheap 00:00:57.710 --> 00:01:00.390 motel, or at least that's how it looked, filled 00:01:00.390 --> 00:01:04.150 with like hot tubs and pools and such. And they 00:01:04.150 --> 00:01:06.129 would just do whatever they did. I actually have 00:01:06.129 --> 00:01:09.530 no idea. I just knew that they got together and 00:01:09.530 --> 00:01:13.069 it was supposed to be some sort of gathering 00:01:13.069 --> 00:01:15.890 with a purpose, but I was a kid, so who knows 00:01:15.890 --> 00:01:20.069 what that purpose was. I was already a shy, insecure 00:01:20.069 --> 00:01:23.349 kid who would rather not try to engage with others. 00:01:24.620 --> 00:01:26.480 fear that I might say or do something stupid. 00:01:28.260 --> 00:01:31.120 But I do remember this one particular summer, 00:01:31.239 --> 00:01:37.260 I was swimming at the pool when a little kid, 00:01:37.439 --> 00:01:41.340 I don't even know who it was. It was like some 00:01:41.340 --> 00:01:43.840 elementary school kid. Couldn't have been more 00:01:43.840 --> 00:01:46.439 than like nine years old. Looked down from the 00:01:46.439 --> 00:01:49.599 side of the pool as I was in the pool, hanging 00:01:49.599 --> 00:01:52.700 on to the side. He yelled out, looking down, 00:01:52.780 --> 00:01:58.200 like, hey, look, this guy has boobs. I was mortified. 00:01:59.340 --> 00:02:01.519 You know, I tried in the moment to act like it 00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.920 didn't bother me, but the truth was I felt something 00:02:04.920 --> 00:02:07.579 I've never felt before, like, to that level, 00:02:07.659 --> 00:02:12.099 that degree of shame and embarrassment. I already 00:02:12.099 --> 00:02:15.800 thought my face looked kind of goofy, and honestly... 00:02:16.219 --> 00:02:18.360 at times really ugly because there was a period 00:02:18.360 --> 00:02:20.460 where I had to wear these old man glasses, you 00:02:20.460 --> 00:02:22.639 know, like the kind that Walter White wears in 00:02:22.639 --> 00:02:25.719 Breaking Bad. Yeah, I had those glasses. Like 00:02:25.719 --> 00:02:28.039 I have pictures from my childhood where I'm mortified 00:02:28.039 --> 00:02:30.000 that I had those glasses. So I had I had body 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:32.419 image issues already and I was already a fairly 00:02:32.419 --> 00:02:35.479 chubby kid. So hearing this from a little kid 00:02:35.479 --> 00:02:40.740 was just like, oh, my goodness. I was I just 00:02:40.740 --> 00:02:47.210 I just was in shock. Now. I didn't just see myself 00:02:47.210 --> 00:02:50.969 as just something that was just kind of like, 00:02:51.050 --> 00:02:55.110 there's nothing particularly special. But now 00:02:55.110 --> 00:02:58.189 I was super ashamed of myself, my body. I was 00:02:58.189 --> 00:03:01.849 unappealing. I was fat. I was gross. My body 00:03:01.849 --> 00:03:04.889 was something worth mocking. Now, fast forward 00:03:04.889 --> 00:03:06.870 a couple years, and I'm back at one of these 00:03:06.870 --> 00:03:08.969 passage retreats. It might have been the same 00:03:08.969 --> 00:03:12.750 motel or whatever it was that we were all staying 00:03:12.750 --> 00:03:17.300 at. But this time I was a little bit older. I 00:03:17.300 --> 00:03:19.259 had gained some height, so which kind of made 00:03:19.259 --> 00:03:22.879 me look leaner, I guess. And this time I met 00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:27.840 someone new. There's this girl, petite, cute, 00:03:28.120 --> 00:03:31.780 kind of had an adorable doll -like voice. Some 00:03:31.780 --> 00:03:34.080 other pastor's kid that has never been to one 00:03:34.080 --> 00:03:39.080 of these before. And I fell and I fell hard for 00:03:39.080 --> 00:03:43.099 this girl. To be honest, I couldn't tell you 00:03:43.099 --> 00:03:45.919 why I liked her so much. You know, like, I don't 00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:47.240 know if this is the experience of other people, 00:03:47.319 --> 00:03:49.719 but when you first start liking somebody, you 00:03:49.719 --> 00:03:52.740 don't really know why you like them. You just 00:03:52.740 --> 00:03:55.340 know that you do. And I never really thought 00:03:55.340 --> 00:03:57.300 too hard about it. And this is just generally, 00:03:57.479 --> 00:03:59.159 this is just how it was. I know some people were 00:03:59.159 --> 00:04:01.139 different. They actually tried to figure out 00:04:01.139 --> 00:04:03.159 why they like somebody. I never really thought 00:04:03.159 --> 00:04:04.659 too hard about it. I just thought like, when 00:04:04.659 --> 00:04:08.240 you like somebody, you just like somebody. And 00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:10.520 as far as I can tell, I don't have a particular 00:04:10.520 --> 00:04:12.800 type, like the people that I've been attracted 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:15.240 to in the past just seem to vary significantly 00:04:15.240 --> 00:04:18.680 and, you know, all kinds of features. So it wasn't 00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:23.180 anything particularly, you know, particular feature. 00:04:23.480 --> 00:04:26.160 I just liked who I liked and that's just all 00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:30.300 I knew. But of course, you know, she lived a 00:04:30.300 --> 00:04:32.139 bit of ways away. I mean, you got to think this 00:04:32.139 --> 00:04:35.180 is back at a time when we didn't have like... 00:04:35.660 --> 00:04:38.100 you know, cell phones and Ubers and all this, 00:04:38.180 --> 00:04:40.699 right? So she lived about an hour plus away. 00:04:40.899 --> 00:04:43.199 And, you know, we're both in the ninth grade. 00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:46.019 So, you know, clearly we're not going to be driving 00:04:46.019 --> 00:04:49.699 to see each other regularly at all. Plus gas 00:04:49.699 --> 00:04:52.480 costs money and I didn't have any money. So I 00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:55.060 found other ways to try to stay in contact. And 00:04:55.060 --> 00:04:57.220 like I said, it's an olden days. So before emails 00:04:57.220 --> 00:05:00.079 and so on. So contact was a little bit more difficult. 00:05:00.259 --> 00:05:03.379 You had to call via landline. And I remember 00:05:03.379 --> 00:05:05.720 it cost per minute. you know, to make these calls. 00:05:05.860 --> 00:05:08.839 So I had to be kind of judicious in how long 00:05:08.839 --> 00:05:13.060 I spent on the phone. The other option was to 00:05:13.060 --> 00:05:15.800 mail physical letters, which was another thing 00:05:15.800 --> 00:05:18.939 that I did do. And initially she showed interest 00:05:18.939 --> 00:05:22.480 in me. I mean, I don't know if we explicitly 00:05:22.480 --> 00:05:25.220 had the conversation about liking each other 00:05:25.220 --> 00:05:27.720 or any of that, but it was fairly clear that 00:05:27.720 --> 00:05:29.680 there was some mutual interest. There was like 00:05:29.680 --> 00:05:33.610 flirty type and, you know. You know what I mean, 00:05:33.629 --> 00:05:36.850 right? We would talk on the phone, write letters 00:05:36.850 --> 00:05:40.189 from time to time, but it didn't take very long. 00:05:40.290 --> 00:05:41.870 I don't know if it was just like a month or two, 00:05:42.050 --> 00:05:46.449 but she had lost interest. And I don't know exactly 00:05:46.449 --> 00:05:49.029 why. I kind of have a vague recollection that 00:05:49.029 --> 00:05:52.730 some kind of explanation was given. I think it's 00:05:52.730 --> 00:05:54.829 something about the distance and just not being 00:05:54.829 --> 00:05:58.430 able to see each other, which, you know, upon 00:05:58.430 --> 00:05:59.970 reflection, maybe that makes a lot of sense. 00:06:00.009 --> 00:06:03.279 But I think at the time... I was too focused 00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:05.600 on the idea that things were ending. And that 00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:06.839 was particularly hard because, like I said, I 00:06:06.839 --> 00:06:08.720 fell for this girl pretty hard. This was the 00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:11.240 first girl that I really liked like this, right? 00:06:11.339 --> 00:06:13.500 I mean, I had small crushes when I was in, like, 00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:15.720 third grade, fifth grade, things like that. But 00:06:15.720 --> 00:06:19.079 this was the first time that I thought there 00:06:19.079 --> 00:06:21.139 was something developing because there was kind 00:06:21.139 --> 00:06:22.920 of more of a two -way. It wasn't just a crush, 00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:24.459 right? It was somebody who showed interest back. 00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:28.379 So it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I didn't 00:06:28.379 --> 00:06:35.269 know how to react, you know. I was shell -shocked. 00:06:35.370 --> 00:06:38.949 And so I don't even know if I made an effort 00:06:38.949 --> 00:06:42.490 to try to win her back or just gave up. I don't 00:06:42.490 --> 00:06:45.089 know. I can't even remember exactly how I reacted. 00:06:45.430 --> 00:06:48.509 What I never acknowledged, at least not explicitly, 00:06:48.750 --> 00:06:54.550 was that I felt rejected. I felt like I was not 00:06:54.550 --> 00:06:57.850 someone that girls would remain interested in 00:06:57.850 --> 00:06:59.819 for an extended time. Period. Right. That if 00:06:59.819 --> 00:07:03.379 I were to open up and then just to show my truest 00:07:03.379 --> 00:07:06.319 self, then they would just lose interest. You 00:07:06.319 --> 00:07:08.939 know, I think the narrative that formed emotionally 00:07:08.939 --> 00:07:11.939 inside me was that I'm not the kind of guy that 00:07:11.939 --> 00:07:15.459 girls like. Right. Some people like say things 00:07:15.459 --> 00:07:17.740 like, oh, you're the nice guy that people don't 00:07:17.740 --> 00:07:20.879 like. Like it wasn't quite that because I wasn't 00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:22.920 always nice, but I just wasn't the kind of guy 00:07:22.920 --> 00:07:26.740 that girls liked. If girls. Or like I would tell 00:07:26.740 --> 00:07:28.360 myself, if girls got to know me, then they might 00:07:28.360 --> 00:07:32.060 start losing interest in me. And what I tried 00:07:32.060 --> 00:07:36.240 to ignore most was that belief that I was ugly 00:07:36.240 --> 00:07:38.680 and unattractive and fat and awkward. I never 00:07:38.680 --> 00:07:42.959 really confronted those feelings that were lurking 00:07:42.959 --> 00:07:47.620 kind of in the background. And because I tried 00:07:47.620 --> 00:07:50.259 so hard not to think about it, I mean, like, 00:07:50.339 --> 00:07:53.639 who would want to? It doesn't feel good. to think 00:07:53.639 --> 00:07:55.860 about how disgusting you feel looking at yourself 00:07:55.860 --> 00:07:58.920 in the mirror, right? These self -perceptions 00:07:58.920 --> 00:08:04.060 were there, but not kind of like explicitly present 00:08:04.060 --> 00:08:06.540 in my mind. And that's the thing. When these 00:08:06.540 --> 00:08:09.180 views that you have of yourself are there, but 00:08:09.180 --> 00:08:13.019 just hidden from yourself, right? It shows up 00:08:13.019 --> 00:08:15.959 in ways that you act. It shows up in the way 00:08:15.959 --> 00:08:20.740 that you react. But you end up trying to twist 00:08:20.740 --> 00:08:22.560 the narrative to make it about something else, 00:08:22.620 --> 00:08:24.579 right? You make excuses for what you're really 00:08:24.579 --> 00:08:28.600 feeling, right? For me, to protect my insecurity, 00:08:29.079 --> 00:08:33.019 I told myself that it was something about the 00:08:33.019 --> 00:08:36.259 girls, right? That they just never gave me a 00:08:36.259 --> 00:08:40.220 chance, that they never really tried to understand 00:08:40.220 --> 00:08:45.179 me or get to really know me. So instead of acknowledging 00:08:45.179 --> 00:08:48.340 that I felt terrible about myself, I made it 00:08:48.340 --> 00:08:50.340 about other people not giving me a chance, right? 00:08:51.139 --> 00:08:53.220 I was the one that got rejected. I was the one 00:08:53.220 --> 00:08:55.080 that gets dumped. I'm not the one that hurts 00:08:55.080 --> 00:08:57.639 other people and turns them down. I'm not the 00:08:57.639 --> 00:09:00.019 one that ends relationships because I'm like 00:09:00.019 --> 00:09:04.279 the loyal one. They're just not, right? And it's 00:09:04.279 --> 00:09:07.039 crazy just how much these lies I told myself 00:09:07.039 --> 00:09:11.750 just clouded me from seeing reality. Because 00:09:11.750 --> 00:09:15.769 the truth was that there were girls that were 00:09:15.769 --> 00:09:19.990 drawn to me, who liked me for who I am. And in 00:09:19.990 --> 00:09:23.309 their eyes, I wasn't awkward. I wasn't some ugly 00:09:23.309 --> 00:09:28.129 loser. That for them, I was appealing and they 00:09:28.129 --> 00:09:32.710 wanted to be with me. But when you're so caught 00:09:32.710 --> 00:09:35.289 up in your own lies, it's just kind of hard to 00:09:35.289 --> 00:09:40.330 see that. I mean, you can see... My perception 00:09:40.330 --> 00:09:45.190 of what others would think of me and that versus 00:09:45.190 --> 00:09:47.690 the reality kind of play out in 10th grade. See, 00:09:47.789 --> 00:09:50.970 there was this girl that I liked in class. We're 00:09:50.970 --> 00:09:53.350 not going to name names here, but she was just 00:09:53.350 --> 00:09:56.970 generally a pretty friendly girl, friendly with 00:09:56.970 --> 00:09:59.929 guys, girls, it didn't matter. So even when she 00:09:59.929 --> 00:10:02.190 did talk to me, I don't think I took it as anything. 00:10:02.629 --> 00:10:06.230 In fact, if anything... I was always kind of 00:10:06.230 --> 00:10:07.929 guessing, like, does she actually like me? Does 00:10:07.929 --> 00:10:11.289 she not? Is this just how she is, right? I mean, 00:10:11.309 --> 00:10:12.830 I knew that there was other guys that she talked 00:10:12.830 --> 00:10:15.529 to as well, right? But I couldn't tell if it 00:10:15.529 --> 00:10:17.549 was just like just friends or if she was actually 00:10:17.549 --> 00:10:20.190 interested in one of them. But at some point, 00:10:20.230 --> 00:10:23.350 I don't know if it was jealousy or because of 00:10:23.350 --> 00:10:25.889 the uncertainty and I was just annoyed by feeling 00:10:25.889 --> 00:10:28.269 uncertain about things. I just wanted clarity. 00:10:29.110 --> 00:10:31.409 But I decided to at least just put it out there 00:10:31.409 --> 00:10:33.600 and I just confessed my feelings to her. I believe 00:10:33.600 --> 00:10:37.039 in a letter. And to be honest, I didn't know 00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:39.200 what to expect. Maybe a part of me was kind of 00:10:39.200 --> 00:10:40.879 expecting rejection because that's, again, the 00:10:40.879 --> 00:10:43.659 narrative that I had built up for myself, right? 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:46.860 It's like, I'm the one that gets rejected. So 00:10:46.860 --> 00:10:49.480 I guess I was in part expecting that classic, 00:10:49.559 --> 00:10:52.399 I just want to be friends speech. But that's 00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:53.940 not what happened. It actually turned out that 00:10:53.940 --> 00:10:58.059 she liked me and she liked me a lot. But it was 00:10:58.059 --> 00:11:00.320 just hard because she wasn't actually allowed 00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:04.039 to date. for various reasons. She wasn't allowed 00:11:04.039 --> 00:11:07.919 to date, and she had family members that were 00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:09.980 at the same school that would probably rat her 00:11:09.980 --> 00:11:12.600 out, and then so she would get caught if we were 00:11:12.600 --> 00:11:15.580 caught dating or making googly eyes or something 00:11:15.580 --> 00:11:18.440 at school, right? So if we were to spend time, 00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:22.259 we had to do it kind of in a sneaky, clever way, 00:11:22.379 --> 00:11:24.940 right? We would have to spend time. If it was 00:11:24.940 --> 00:11:26.220 outside of the school, it had to be in group 00:11:26.220 --> 00:11:31.779 settings probably. where it was clear that it 00:11:31.779 --> 00:11:35.519 wasn't just the two of us. Sometimes we were 00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:39.220 trying to find ways to sneak some time out together 00:11:39.220 --> 00:11:43.340 while we're at school, away from prying eyes, 00:11:43.519 --> 00:11:47.440 so we could just have some alone time. At first, 00:11:47.460 --> 00:11:49.080 I guess there was some excitement around the 00:11:49.080 --> 00:11:52.279 sneaking around stuff, but to be honest, at some 00:11:52.279 --> 00:11:54.679 point, I found myself kind of annoyed by the 00:11:54.679 --> 00:11:59.389 whole situation. Lying is not something that 00:11:59.389 --> 00:12:06.149 I think I enjoy doing innately. It's a lot of 00:12:06.149 --> 00:12:08.269 work. Lying is a lot of work, right? Sneaking 00:12:08.269 --> 00:12:11.490 around is a lot of work. It's just not all that 00:12:11.490 --> 00:12:15.450 fun at some point. But more importantly, I found 00:12:15.450 --> 00:12:21.750 myself losing interest. And at the time, all 00:12:21.750 --> 00:12:24.730 I knew was I was feeling differently towards 00:12:24.730 --> 00:12:27.649 her. You know, I don't know if it was just the 00:12:27.649 --> 00:12:29.950 situation or if I was going through some other 00:12:29.950 --> 00:12:32.649 stuff that was more prominent on my mind. Like 00:12:32.649 --> 00:12:35.429 I said, like, you know, it was this was a time 00:12:35.429 --> 00:12:38.009 when I was living in Colton and I was just I 00:12:38.009 --> 00:12:40.309 was just miserable all the time, regardless. 00:12:40.570 --> 00:12:43.649 Right. So regardless, I just I just knew that 00:12:43.649 --> 00:12:46.549 I the initial attraction and excitement dissipated. 00:12:47.309 --> 00:12:51.779 Maybe that some of that is normal. But of course, 00:12:51.840 --> 00:12:54.039 you know, I also know now, like thinking back 00:12:54.039 --> 00:12:57.879 on it, I also wasn't very open emotionally, which 00:12:57.879 --> 00:13:00.440 means that there wasn't a chance to connect on 00:13:00.440 --> 00:13:04.860 some deeper level, right? It wasn't as if we 00:13:04.860 --> 00:13:07.940 had a deep, intimate relationship in that sense. 00:13:08.220 --> 00:13:12.240 I mean, how could we if I'm withholding that 00:13:12.240 --> 00:13:16.700 side of me, right? But I wanted to believe that 00:13:16.700 --> 00:13:21.039 I was never the bad guy. Never the one to hurt 00:13:21.039 --> 00:13:24.240 other people, but rather the one to kind of receive 00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:27.480 hurt. Maybe I was trying to play the hero. I 00:13:27.480 --> 00:13:31.159 don't know what. But I didn't want to talk openly 00:13:31.159 --> 00:13:33.500 face -to -face to her about it, about the changing 00:13:33.500 --> 00:13:41.120 feelings. Instead, I was a coward. I was a true 00:13:41.120 --> 00:13:44.940 grade -A bitch. That kind of coward who chose 00:13:44.940 --> 00:13:48.610 instead to just... start acting disinterested 00:13:48.610 --> 00:13:50.990 and distant in the hopes that she would get the 00:13:50.990 --> 00:13:54.330 point, right? You know, I think in my mind, I 00:13:54.330 --> 00:13:57.090 had thought at the time that I was doing her 00:13:57.090 --> 00:14:00.409 a favor. This is some twisted shit, right? That 00:14:00.409 --> 00:14:04.169 I was doing her a favor by not making it explicit 00:14:04.169 --> 00:14:08.250 that I wanted to end things and then explaining 00:14:08.250 --> 00:14:11.929 myself like that it was for her to spare her 00:14:11.929 --> 00:14:16.710 feelings. If I were to be honest about it, I 00:14:16.710 --> 00:14:22.169 was just a bitch. I was just a coward. And to 00:14:22.169 --> 00:14:25.450 be honest, I don't know what I hate more now, 00:14:25.610 --> 00:14:28.730 looking back on it. The fact that I acted like 00:14:28.730 --> 00:14:30.850 such a bitch or the fact that I didn't acknowledge 00:14:30.850 --> 00:14:33.870 to myself that I was being a bitch. The fact 00:14:33.870 --> 00:14:36.690 that I was lying to myself and couldn't see that 00:14:36.690 --> 00:14:41.169 I was actually being a coward. You know, I thought... 00:14:41.850 --> 00:14:44.090 I think now, like maybe if I had some good friends 00:14:44.090 --> 00:14:46.529 that I, because I didn't really talk about this 00:14:46.529 --> 00:14:48.789 relationship with other people, but, you know, 00:14:48.809 --> 00:14:51.669 I wonder if I had developed better, like, you 00:14:51.669 --> 00:14:54.529 know, you know, friendships where I could talk 00:14:54.529 --> 00:14:56.549 to somebody about it. Maybe they would have been 00:14:56.549 --> 00:14:59.009 honest and hold me accountable and, you know, 00:14:59.009 --> 00:15:01.710 made me or pressured me into facing up to what 00:15:01.710 --> 00:15:04.610 I was doing. But of course I didn't really open 00:15:04.610 --> 00:15:07.559 up to anyone. So I. What was nice is I could 00:15:07.559 --> 00:15:09.919 get away with anything as long as I just didn't 00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:12.120 acknowledge it to myself. I just needed to lie 00:15:12.120 --> 00:15:15.100 to myself. And then I would feel better about 00:15:15.100 --> 00:15:21.820 myself. And the pattern didn't change in college. 00:15:22.220 --> 00:15:26.340 I mean, people's behaviors don't change unless 00:15:26.340 --> 00:15:29.860 you actually face whatever it is that's leading 00:15:29.860 --> 00:15:32.080 to that behavior. So I just did more of the same 00:15:32.080 --> 00:15:36.700 in college. I kept on lying to myself. and said 00:15:36.700 --> 00:15:38.759 I was the kind of guy that got rejected. But 00:15:38.759 --> 00:15:41.799 the truth was, I mean, the reality was very different. 00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:43.840 I actually had no problems getting dates. I mean, 00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:45.820 I did get rejected a lot, but that was partly 00:15:45.820 --> 00:15:48.480 because I was casting a fairly wide net, and 00:15:48.480 --> 00:15:51.659 I was just asking people out left and right, 00:15:51.860 --> 00:15:56.899 doing dumb shit to try to just connect with anybody 00:15:56.899 --> 00:16:00.460 to cast as wide a net as possible to see if anybody 00:16:00.460 --> 00:16:04.500 might be interested. But that just showed I just 00:16:04.500 --> 00:16:07.190 didn't have any. real standards right like it 00:16:07.190 --> 00:16:08.990 wasn't really about what i was interested in 00:16:08.990 --> 00:16:13.750 is more about who would accept me um i mean you 00:16:13.750 --> 00:16:15.409 got to remember like i still believe in my own 00:16:15.409 --> 00:16:21.470 head i just felt i just viewed myself as so low 00:16:21.470 --> 00:16:24.690 i felt so low about myself right um i still felt 00:16:24.690 --> 00:16:27.429 like that fat ugly kid uh even though others 00:16:27.429 --> 00:16:31.309 might not say i think so um and i also thought 00:16:31.309 --> 00:16:33.919 of myself as More or less the kind of person 00:16:33.919 --> 00:16:36.200 who didn't hurt other people that would give 00:16:36.200 --> 00:16:38.419 anyone a chance, right? That was interested in 00:16:38.419 --> 00:16:41.740 me. So I did do that. I just gave anyone a chance, 00:16:41.820 --> 00:16:43.620 even if I might not have been very interested. 00:16:44.460 --> 00:16:46.240 Again, the twisted thing is I thought that I 00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:49.840 was doing them a favor, that I was going above 00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:53.100 and beyond being a good person. But the reality 00:16:53.100 --> 00:16:56.059 was instead I was probably misleading them, right? 00:16:56.139 --> 00:16:59.899 So here I was giving girls here, there, everywhere 00:16:59.899 --> 00:17:01.679 the impression that I was more interested than 00:17:01.679 --> 00:17:05.509 I probably was. engaging them physically to appease 00:17:05.509 --> 00:17:09.930 my own insecurities, not necessarily for them, 00:17:09.950 --> 00:17:13.130 but it was more to just help myself feel better, 00:17:13.329 --> 00:17:16.690 then honestly, I guess the term for it would 00:17:16.690 --> 00:17:18.970 be ghosting them instead of talking things out 00:17:18.970 --> 00:17:21.930 with them. Because I was too afraid to admit 00:17:21.930 --> 00:17:24.450 to myself that I was the one who was ending things. 00:17:25.750 --> 00:17:29.150 Maybe because that memory of having that done 00:17:29.150 --> 00:17:32.259 to me, I thought that was... an awful thing that 00:17:32.259 --> 00:17:34.380 people can do. Like I would don't want to do 00:17:34.380 --> 00:17:38.160 it to other people. And it's crazy how much I 00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:40.960 would twist the situations to make myself look 00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:44.160 better than I was. But the reality was simple. 00:17:44.359 --> 00:17:46.559 Instead of dealing with my own insecurities, 00:17:46.720 --> 00:17:50.220 I just hurt women by misleading them and using 00:17:50.220 --> 00:17:52.059 them so that I can feel better about myself. 00:17:52.259 --> 00:17:55.180 I was a fucking asshole. And the worst kind of 00:17:55.180 --> 00:17:57.880 asshole, the asshole that's in denial about his 00:17:57.880 --> 00:18:00.460 assholatry. I don't even know if that's a word, 00:18:00.500 --> 00:18:04.869 but That's really what it was. I mean, you would 00:18:04.869 --> 00:18:08.029 think that dating around a lot would make me 00:18:08.029 --> 00:18:12.069 at least a little bit less insecure. That maybe 00:18:12.069 --> 00:18:14.690 that reality of having gotten dates would make 00:18:14.690 --> 00:18:18.849 me feel like, oh, hey, maybe I was wrong about 00:18:18.849 --> 00:18:23.349 this narrative that I've had for myself. That 00:18:23.349 --> 00:18:27.170 maybe I should have some confidence that I am 00:18:27.170 --> 00:18:29.710 someone that someone could find attractive or 00:18:29.710 --> 00:18:32.599 interesting. we're spending time and energy on. 00:18:32.660 --> 00:18:35.940 But if you're sensing a theme in any of these 00:18:35.940 --> 00:18:38.680 stories that I've been telling, it's that I at 00:18:38.680 --> 00:18:41.980 least was constantly lying to myself to protect 00:18:41.980 --> 00:18:45.460 my own ego, my own pride, my own sense of self, 00:18:45.579 --> 00:18:50.339 a distorted sense of superiority. My goodness, 00:18:50.420 --> 00:18:52.140 I feel like I'm describing a narcissist, and 00:18:52.140 --> 00:18:55.099 maybe that's exactly what I have been this whole 00:18:55.099 --> 00:18:57.819 time. And these lies were so prevalent and powerful 00:18:57.819 --> 00:19:02.630 that, like, you know, Unless I actually did the 00:19:02.630 --> 00:19:05.549 hard work to kind of face it head on, it just 00:19:05.549 --> 00:19:08.750 continues to do its thing in distorting reality 00:19:08.750 --> 00:19:14.670 on my behalf. So like all things in life, what 00:19:14.670 --> 00:19:16.990 I needed was something to just smack me upside 00:19:16.990 --> 00:19:19.970 the face and then grab my head, stick it next 00:19:19.970 --> 00:19:22.250 to a mirror, and then force me to kind of see 00:19:22.250 --> 00:19:25.910 myself for who I really am. And it didn't come 00:19:25.910 --> 00:19:31.380 until my 20s, during my PhD years. At the time, 00:19:31.380 --> 00:19:34.240 I remember, what was it, like a second year in 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:37.480 the PhD program? First year, second year. I was 00:19:37.480 --> 00:19:39.519 introduced to somebody. I forget exactly how 00:19:39.519 --> 00:19:42.599 the introduction happened. Somebody set me up 00:19:42.599 --> 00:19:44.859 on some blind date or something. And honestly, 00:19:45.019 --> 00:19:49.420 I went just to be nice. I wasn't all that interested, 00:19:49.500 --> 00:19:53.660 but I met this person and I wasn't interested 00:19:53.660 --> 00:19:55.500 in them all that much. But I stayed in it because 00:19:55.500 --> 00:19:59.809 I felt like the longer I was... Spending time 00:19:59.809 --> 00:20:02.890 with this person, the more I felt like I was 00:20:02.890 --> 00:20:05.809 a good boyfriend in that relationship. Or at 00:20:05.809 --> 00:20:09.869 least that's what I believed, right? I felt good 00:20:09.869 --> 00:20:13.690 about myself through the way that I would treat 00:20:13.690 --> 00:20:17.549 her. But the truth was, it wasn't necessarily 00:20:17.549 --> 00:20:21.769 because I liked her all that much. It was more 00:20:21.769 --> 00:20:24.309 like the way that I felt in the relationship. 00:20:25.789 --> 00:20:29.589 But... That only lasts for so long, right? Eventually, 00:20:29.589 --> 00:20:32.309 I lost all interest and I wanted to end things. 00:20:32.930 --> 00:20:35.890 So it was, again, the same pattern. It was the 00:20:35.890 --> 00:20:37.990 same pattern. But one thing that was different 00:20:37.990 --> 00:20:40.470 was I think I stayed in this longer than I have 00:20:40.470 --> 00:20:43.230 in any of the other quote -unquote relationships 00:20:43.230 --> 00:20:45.829 that I've had. I mean, relationship is not the 00:20:45.829 --> 00:20:49.730 best word for what I was doing before. But this 00:20:49.730 --> 00:20:51.190 is the longest that I've been with somebody. 00:20:51.890 --> 00:20:57.539 And given that, I felt like... you know, at least 00:20:57.539 --> 00:21:01.140 ending things, I should at least do it the quote 00:21:01.140 --> 00:21:05.019 unquote right way through at least a conversation. 00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:08.599 I did it through the phone. It was the first 00:21:08.599 --> 00:21:14.000 time I had initiated a talk like this. You know, 00:21:14.019 --> 00:21:15.960 the one where you say it's not you, it's me. 00:21:18.500 --> 00:21:21.480 I've always let others do that to me if it happened 00:21:21.480 --> 00:21:23.579 at all. Sometimes I would twist the situation 00:21:23.579 --> 00:21:27.829 so that they would dump me. If it came to that. 00:21:29.630 --> 00:21:34.009 But this time I just wanted to do it. I mean, 00:21:34.029 --> 00:21:39.769 part of it honestly was that I wanted to end 00:21:39.769 --> 00:21:44.589 it quickly instead of dragging it out. But I 00:21:44.589 --> 00:21:46.670 also know that I was doing it at probably the 00:21:46.670 --> 00:21:49.569 worst possible time. I mean, she was at the time 00:21:49.569 --> 00:21:53.569 going through. You know, a really tough time 00:21:53.569 --> 00:21:57.349 with a lot of stress at her own graduate program. 00:21:59.730 --> 00:22:02.049 And so there's a lot of stuff happening outside 00:22:02.049 --> 00:22:03.569 of the relationship that was already weighing 00:22:03.569 --> 00:22:05.490 on her. And I didn't give any warning. It's not 00:22:05.490 --> 00:22:08.049 as if she saw it coming. It was just complete 00:22:08.049 --> 00:22:10.450 blindside. She was completely blindsided. It 00:22:10.450 --> 00:22:12.910 was just a phone call and a blunt statement saying 00:22:12.910 --> 00:22:15.390 that I can't continue in this relationship. And 00:22:15.390 --> 00:22:19.359 she understandably cried and was confused. was 00:22:19.359 --> 00:22:22.700 wanting to have some sort of explanation to at 00:22:22.700 --> 00:22:27.460 least get a grip of what in the fuck was happening 00:22:27.460 --> 00:22:33.180 and why it was happening. But I heard her crying 00:22:33.180 --> 00:22:41.039 over the phone and I felt like shit. I felt like 00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:44.319 shit in a way that I've never felt before. I 00:22:44.319 --> 00:22:46.880 never wanted to believe that I was capable of 00:22:46.880 --> 00:22:52.700 causing someone so much pain. It was worse than 00:22:52.700 --> 00:22:56.539 being rejected. At least if you're rejected, 00:22:56.720 --> 00:22:58.640 there's somebody you can just blame, right? You 00:22:58.640 --> 00:23:02.059 could be mad at the other person, but you can 00:23:02.059 --> 00:23:04.039 be mad, you can be resentful, you can direct 00:23:04.039 --> 00:23:06.039 all these feelings outwards. But here, there's 00:23:06.039 --> 00:23:09.740 only one person that I could see as responsible 00:23:09.740 --> 00:23:15.079 for this pain, and that was me. You know, I just, 00:23:15.119 --> 00:23:18.339 these questions just ran through my mind. Like, 00:23:18.339 --> 00:23:20.640 why did I let it get so far? Like, it's not as 00:23:20.640 --> 00:23:23.279 if I didn't have a sense fairly early that things 00:23:23.279 --> 00:23:25.059 wouldn't work out, that I wasn't all that interested. 00:23:25.240 --> 00:23:27.599 I mean, I was aware of all this, you know, why 00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:30.740 did I stay in this thinking that it might work 00:23:30.740 --> 00:23:34.599 out, right? Or if I didn't know early on. then 00:23:34.599 --> 00:23:36.440 I should have spent some time to at least think 00:23:36.440 --> 00:23:39.160 about it and to see it instead of letting all 00:23:39.160 --> 00:23:41.859 these feelings get deeper or the sense of commitment 00:23:41.859 --> 00:23:46.240 and connection get deeper before doing this. 00:23:46.460 --> 00:23:48.500 This is just waiting this long just made the 00:23:48.500 --> 00:23:52.019 pain so much worse. I mean, the signs have always 00:23:52.019 --> 00:23:55.660 been there. I just ignored them. I hated myself 00:23:55.660 --> 00:24:01.950 so much. And what made it even worse was that 00:24:01.950 --> 00:24:05.190 she was so gracious about it all. I mean, even 00:24:05.190 --> 00:24:10.769 after I left her deeply hurt and confused, without 00:24:10.769 --> 00:24:13.670 any explanations of why I ended things or where 00:24:13.670 --> 00:24:16.769 this all started or without even giving it another 00:24:16.769 --> 00:24:20.329 chance or even having a conversation about the 00:24:20.329 --> 00:24:24.599 details of what was happening. You know, it was 00:24:24.599 --> 00:24:27.000 after only a few weeks where she sent me this 00:24:27.000 --> 00:24:29.420 letter in a care package letting me know that 00:24:29.420 --> 00:24:31.779 even though she doesn't understand, she's still 00:24:31.779 --> 00:24:37.359 confused. That she was grateful for the time 00:24:37.359 --> 00:24:40.900 that we had together. And that she wishes the 00:24:40.900 --> 00:24:49.720 best for me. And I felt even worse. You know, 00:24:49.720 --> 00:24:51.700 it's funny, when I got rejected, I never responded 00:24:51.700 --> 00:24:56.140 in that way. I never responded that way. I was 00:24:56.140 --> 00:24:58.759 so quick to just be angry and blame and be mad 00:24:58.759 --> 00:25:04.740 and hurt. I never thought to take a moment to 00:25:04.740 --> 00:25:07.619 see the good in the time that we might have had 00:25:07.619 --> 00:25:09.619 together. Or if I was just straight up rejected 00:25:09.619 --> 00:25:12.299 from the very beginning, it was, you know, at 00:25:12.299 --> 00:25:14.880 least the fact that they had shown consideration 00:25:14.880 --> 00:25:17.640 and it wasn't just like a heartless no, right? 00:25:22.279 --> 00:25:27.980 I cried for days. And I just lost all interest 00:25:27.980 --> 00:25:32.039 in dating. I just lost all interest in dating. 00:25:33.500 --> 00:25:36.579 I was depressed. Probably not really aware of 00:25:36.579 --> 00:25:38.460 just how depressed I was, but I was depressed. 00:25:38.859 --> 00:25:42.240 I mean, at least all the physiological symptoms 00:25:42.240 --> 00:25:48.369 were there. And I was lost. At least when it 00:25:48.369 --> 00:25:50.630 came to dating relationships, I was just lost. 00:25:50.789 --> 00:25:53.630 I was feeling shitty about myself. But now it 00:25:53.630 --> 00:25:56.690 was for a whole different reason. I didn't feel 00:25:56.690 --> 00:25:58.609 shitty about myself in the sense that I felt 00:25:58.609 --> 00:26:02.910 like ugly or, you know, unattractive or anything 00:26:02.910 --> 00:26:05.990 like that. I just felt like I was the biggest 00:26:05.990 --> 00:26:09.529 asshole in the world. I couldn't deny it. I was 00:26:09.529 --> 00:26:13.509 inconsiderate. I was immature. I handled this 00:26:13.509 --> 00:26:18.559 just so poorly. And I had to face what I did 00:26:18.559 --> 00:26:22.140 because it just smacked me on my head so hard. 00:26:22.279 --> 00:26:27.180 I just, there was no denying it. I mean, you 00:26:27.180 --> 00:26:30.420 would think that the experiencing, this experience 00:26:30.420 --> 00:26:32.660 would be humbling enough that it would be a great 00:26:32.660 --> 00:26:34.380 learning opportunity that maybe things would 00:26:34.380 --> 00:26:38.519 have, I would have done a big 180. And, you know, 00:26:38.559 --> 00:26:41.380 I mean, I guess I learned a few things, but the 00:26:41.380 --> 00:26:46.200 truth is that. Changing behavior is hard and 00:26:46.200 --> 00:26:53.059 changing old lies, old narratives are hard. So, 00:26:53.200 --> 00:26:56.500 you know, even though I think I became a little 00:26:56.500 --> 00:26:59.019 bit more thoughtful in my dating life afterwards, 00:26:59.099 --> 00:27:01.000 once I was able to kind of get back on my feet 00:27:01.000 --> 00:27:05.819 and get back into the dating world, it became 00:27:05.819 --> 00:27:09.539 clear when I got married that I hadn't addressed 00:27:09.539 --> 00:27:15.859 all of the things that were going on in me. Marriage 00:27:15.859 --> 00:27:19.279 does something to you. When you get married, 00:27:19.539 --> 00:27:26.240 forget about the legality of it all. I think 00:27:26.240 --> 00:27:28.059 there's something about the commitment to marriage 00:27:28.059 --> 00:27:31.680 and the kind of situation you put yourself in 00:27:31.680 --> 00:27:33.920 when you do get married, when everything about 00:27:33.920 --> 00:27:36.640 your lives get intertwined in this way, that 00:27:36.640 --> 00:27:41.319 you leave yourself exposed in ways you never 00:27:41.319 --> 00:27:47.789 have been exposed before. And it became much 00:27:47.789 --> 00:27:49.849 more exposing for me because I happen to have 00:27:49.849 --> 00:27:55.230 married a psychologist, someone who is both understanding 00:27:55.230 --> 00:28:00.670 and very perceptive when it comes to feelings. 00:28:00.829 --> 00:28:03.849 And also, I happen to marry somebody who is very 00:28:03.849 --> 00:28:07.910 good about holding people accountable. So she 00:28:07.910 --> 00:28:12.450 saw through my bullshit. And as she spent... 00:28:12.589 --> 00:28:16.450 More time with me, she saw through the bullshit 00:28:16.450 --> 00:28:18.490 I was throwing at her even more clearly. And 00:28:18.490 --> 00:28:21.650 the bullshit here I'm referring to is the kind 00:28:21.650 --> 00:28:24.190 of twisted narratives that I wanted to tell myself, 00:28:24.390 --> 00:28:27.549 to give myself excuses for feeling a certain 00:28:27.549 --> 00:28:31.269 way or to be in denial about how I was really 00:28:31.269 --> 00:28:33.869 feeling. You know, when I was too absorbed in 00:28:33.869 --> 00:28:37.829 my own feelings and feeling hurt or slighted 00:28:37.829 --> 00:28:40.839 by something she said. I played the same story 00:28:40.839 --> 00:28:43.480 out of my head. I tell myself, she's mean, but 00:28:43.480 --> 00:28:45.200 I'm going to be the bigger person and absorb 00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:49.539 it. But the truth was, as always, I was a coward 00:28:49.539 --> 00:28:51.579 who didn't have the strength to just address 00:28:51.579 --> 00:28:54.380 whatever issue I had with her and to just address 00:28:54.380 --> 00:28:58.180 it head on, to talk about it openly. Even something 00:28:58.180 --> 00:29:00.140 as simple as just admitting that I was hurt by 00:29:00.140 --> 00:29:02.980 something she said. I couldn't even do that. 00:29:03.839 --> 00:29:07.829 And when she was hurt by something I did, I was, 00:29:07.829 --> 00:29:11.130 my ego felt so threatened that I tried hard to 00:29:11.130 --> 00:29:15.009 find a way to make her pain go away or to make 00:29:15.009 --> 00:29:18.069 it out as if her pain just doesn't make any sense. 00:29:18.089 --> 00:29:20.970 Like it's like her own issue. It's not anything 00:29:20.970 --> 00:29:24.329 about what I did to her. I did all this because 00:29:24.329 --> 00:29:26.589 I wanted her pain to go away so that I felt better. 00:29:27.730 --> 00:29:31.250 And as a result, like instead of actually sitting 00:29:31.250 --> 00:29:33.849 with her and understanding her experience and 00:29:33.849 --> 00:29:37.339 experiencing. and really getting kind of a feel 00:29:37.339 --> 00:29:39.119 for the experience she had, right? To get a feel 00:29:39.119 --> 00:29:43.180 for how she was hurting. I just left her all 00:29:43.180 --> 00:29:46.200 alone to deal with not only her hurt, but also 00:29:46.200 --> 00:29:49.660 then trying to carry mine because now she's like 00:29:49.660 --> 00:29:51.680 having to fight against my narrative of saying 00:29:51.680 --> 00:29:54.160 that she doesn't have a good reason to be hurt 00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:56.500 so much or like her hurt doesn't make sense or, 00:29:56.559 --> 00:29:58.859 you know, yeah, you're hurt, but let's go ahead 00:29:58.859 --> 00:30:01.920 and just try to just, you know, wipe it clean. 00:30:02.099 --> 00:30:03.880 Let's figure out something to do to make that 00:30:03.880 --> 00:30:06.880 pain just go away. When what she needed was just 00:30:06.880 --> 00:30:10.119 for me to understand her pain. And that wasn't 00:30:10.119 --> 00:30:13.319 fair to her. She really deserved better. I mean, 00:30:13.380 --> 00:30:17.259 anyone deserves better. But, you know, especially 00:30:17.259 --> 00:30:19.500 if you marry and commit yourself in this way 00:30:19.500 --> 00:30:22.700 to love and honor somebody like that person deserves 00:30:22.700 --> 00:30:26.359 far better. And there's only one reason that 00:30:26.359 --> 00:30:29.819 we're separated now. I never got my shit together. 00:30:30.740 --> 00:30:36.390 And I never owned up to who I was. All she wanted 00:30:36.390 --> 00:30:40.789 was honesty for me, honesty for me, and for me 00:30:40.789 --> 00:30:44.309 to just kind of own up to my feelings and shortcomings. 00:30:45.569 --> 00:30:50.529 You know, she can be very forgiving if I just 00:30:50.529 --> 00:30:54.250 acknowledge how I screwed up and then take responsibility 00:30:54.250 --> 00:30:58.730 for it. But all I want to do was to try to find 00:30:58.730 --> 00:31:02.710 ways to get out of my part in things, my responsibilities. 00:31:03.740 --> 00:31:05.960 I made it about her. I made it about everyone 00:31:05.960 --> 00:31:13.079 else. It was my greatest regret. It is my greatest 00:31:13.079 --> 00:31:16.700 regret. It was. It is my greatest regret. I mean, 00:31:16.740 --> 00:31:24.279 who I was throughout the entire marriage. But 00:31:24.279 --> 00:31:27.980 this is how I've always been. Always late in 00:31:27.980 --> 00:31:30.940 addressing my own shit. And in the meantime, 00:31:31.119 --> 00:31:35.019 leaving a trail of pain. And destruction for 00:31:35.019 --> 00:31:37.940 others to deal with. And the one lesson that 00:31:37.940 --> 00:31:41.059 I always seem to fail to learn is that once I've 00:31:41.059 --> 00:31:45.220 done what I've done, there's no going back. There's 00:31:45.220 --> 00:31:49.180 no undoing what you did. There's no undoing the 00:31:49.180 --> 00:31:55.039 impact you left. And that's how I know that, 00:31:55.059 --> 00:31:59.660 you know, it's going to be something different. 00:32:00.720 --> 00:32:05.380 Even if... I mean, I doubt that there's any going 00:32:05.380 --> 00:32:09.240 back now. But even if there was a path to going 00:32:09.240 --> 00:32:11.039 back, it would still be very different. There's 00:32:11.039 --> 00:32:14.259 just no other way. Because once history is made, 00:32:14.359 --> 00:32:17.599 it's made. And there's no undoing all that pain 00:32:17.599 --> 00:32:28.740 and hurt that I caused. To all the girls that 00:32:28.740 --> 00:32:32.500 I dated, I'm sorry. for leaving you without clarity, 00:32:32.599 --> 00:32:35.799 without answers, for leaving you without any 00:32:35.799 --> 00:32:40.579 closure. I didn't care or respect you enough 00:32:40.579 --> 00:32:42.920 to give you anything beyond some made -up image 00:32:42.920 --> 00:32:47.500 that I had of myself. You never got a chance 00:32:47.500 --> 00:32:49.700 to see my truest self, the good, the bad, the 00:32:49.700 --> 00:32:54.039 ugly. Or if you did see it, I would lie to you 00:32:54.039 --> 00:32:58.779 about it. I have no excuses. This isn't about 00:32:58.779 --> 00:33:01.839 me being young or needing to make these mistakes 00:33:01.839 --> 00:33:05.400 to learn and grow. No, this was just me being 00:33:05.400 --> 00:33:10.259 a bitch. Plain and simple. And you shouldn't 00:33:10.259 --> 00:33:12.680 have had to pay for my immaturity and cowardice. 00:33:14.039 --> 00:33:18.920 That's not on you. And maybe it's too late for 00:33:18.920 --> 00:33:21.119 apologies. I want to believe that people are 00:33:21.119 --> 00:33:23.480 resilient and that I wasn't worth the trouble 00:33:23.480 --> 00:33:27.799 that you've moved on long ago. Even if late, 00:33:27.940 --> 00:33:32.640 I wanted to offer you the truth. And if there's 00:33:32.640 --> 00:33:35.500 still any anger, pain, resentment that you still 00:33:35.500 --> 00:33:40.839 feel in your heart, I'm here. I'll be here to 00:33:40.839 --> 00:33:43.440 hear it all, if anything, so that you can get 00:33:43.440 --> 00:33:46.839 that closure that I wasn't able to give you to 00:33:46.839 --> 00:33:49.359 have a little bit more peace about the past. 00:33:51.000 --> 00:33:55.210 But more than anything, I would want you to know 00:33:55.210 --> 00:33:57.490 that you were worth more than how I treated you. 00:34:00.150 --> 00:34:06.390 And to my now ex -partner, I don't know if you'll 00:34:06.390 --> 00:34:13.469 ever hear this, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry that 00:34:13.469 --> 00:34:20.230 you've had to experience the worst of me. That 00:34:20.230 --> 00:34:24.300 I didn't take the time to... acknowledge who 00:34:24.300 --> 00:34:31.559 I was, how broken I was, how insecure I was, 00:34:31.699 --> 00:34:35.500 and that my own shit just bled out into the marriage, 00:34:35.659 --> 00:34:39.760 and that I had cut you so deeply, wounded you 00:34:39.760 --> 00:34:45.760 again and again and again over those years, that 00:34:45.760 --> 00:34:52.739 even now I'm probably still doing the same. And 00:34:52.739 --> 00:34:57.880 I, there's no undoing it. There's no making up 00:34:57.880 --> 00:35:02.900 for it. There's no taking away of those scars. 00:35:03.059 --> 00:35:05.039 And there's nothing I know that I can do now 00:35:05.039 --> 00:35:10.900 to, you know, make any of that at least a little 00:35:10.900 --> 00:35:14.539 bit more palatable. Because I remember just how 00:35:14.539 --> 00:35:18.099 painful those times were. I remember the tears, 00:35:18.219 --> 00:35:24.300 the screaming, the yelling. The madness. I mean, 00:35:24.300 --> 00:35:28.539 there were good times, but it often felt like 00:35:28.539 --> 00:35:32.219 the pain and the hurt just overshadows so much 00:35:32.219 --> 00:35:35.780 of it. And the fact that I had left you with 00:35:35.780 --> 00:35:38.500 those memories to deal with for the rest of your 00:35:38.500 --> 00:35:44.980 life, I am deeply sorry. I wish that I had worked 00:35:44.980 --> 00:35:49.409 on myself earlier, before I even met you. When 00:35:49.409 --> 00:35:52.909 I had all the opportunities I did from all the 00:35:52.909 --> 00:35:55.590 experiences that I've had, like, there were plenty 00:35:55.590 --> 00:35:59.929 of opportunities. And instead of your getting 00:35:59.929 --> 00:36:02.610 the better version after I have grown and learned 00:36:02.610 --> 00:36:06.110 from it all, you got the still shitty version. 00:36:06.809 --> 00:36:11.389 And in fact, you got it in the worst way. For 00:36:11.389 --> 00:36:16.670 that, I'm deeply sorry. I hope one day that there 00:36:16.670 --> 00:36:19.989 could at least be some peace. and knowing that 00:36:19.989 --> 00:36:26.550 your hurt doesn't go unnoticed, that your scars 00:36:26.550 --> 00:36:38.110 don't go unseen, and that one day maybe you could 00:36:38.110 --> 00:36:42.809 find what you didn't get from me all those years 00:36:42.809 --> 00:36:43.130 ago.